Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one consider that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep..
Marriage is the death of hope.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
I am at two with nature.
It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.
A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.