Movie Trivia

Marge: Do you think those things could also have contributed to my fear of flying? Zweig: [brusque] Yes, yes, it's all a rich tapestry. Marge: Oh, well, thank you doctor. You've changed my life! Zweig: You know, Marge, we've really just begun to scratch the surface. There's still the far more serious problem of your husband. Homer: [walking in] That's OK, you don't have to make her into some kind of superwoman. She can get on a plane, that's plenty. [rushes Marge out] Marge: Thank you, doctor. Whenever the wind whistles through the leaves, I'll think "Lowenstein", "Lowenstein". Zweig: My name is Zweig. Marge: [whispering] Lowenstein...

— Marge the old honeydripper, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: Don't worry about a thing, honey. I'm going to help you through this. [he and Marge sit down; some noises occur] Those are all normal noises. Luggage compartment closing...cross checking...just sit back and relax. [shot from outside the plane] That's just the engine powering up...that's just the engine struggling... [the plane drives off the runway into a swamp] That's just a carp swimming around your ankles... Marge: Mmm...

— Not much help allaying those fears, "Fear of Flying"

Plumber: Looks like you got a leak. Marge: Could you start fixing it pretty soon? The basement is getting awfully flooded. And I think the cat's down there. [Snowball II meows balefully from underwater] Plumber: Yeah, I probably won't be able to get the parts I need for two, three weeks and that's if I order them today -- which I won't. Marge: Oh, dear. [his pager beeps; he looks, it shows "Low Battery"] Plumber: Hmm, emergency call. Gotta go. [starts to leave] Homer: What should we do until you get back? Plumber: Ehh, put a pan down there. [Homer puts one down; it floats away] Homer: Aw, it didn't work!

— A good use of $75/hour, "Homer the Great"

Homer: Lousy traffic jams...[laughs] the traffic report will get me out of this one. [turns on KBBL] Arnie: [from a helicopter] This is Arnie Pie! Looks like we got a little accident that's backing traffic up as far as this reporter can see. [camera pulls back; the helicopter is causing the jam]

— At least he's not lying, "Homer the Great"

Homer: So anyway, Lenny and Carl are never around on Wednesdays and they don't tell me where they go. It's like a conspiracy. Bart: A conspiracy, eh? You think they might be involved in the Kennedy assassination in some way? Homer: I do...now. Anyway, I'm going to follow them tonight and see where they go. Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so _illegal_. Remember when you were stalking Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden? Homer: Well, something did! Marge: I don't want you stalking anyone tonight. Homer: Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute [gets up]: I'm...[sly] going outside. To..._stalk_...Lenny and Carl. [realizes] D'oh!

— Homer has a garden?, "Homer the Great"

Homer: [giggles] I can see everything and they're none the wiser! [the glass starts to crack, then it breaks and he falls in] Moe: An intruder! Skinner: He will pay the ultimate price. Hibbert: Yes...the ultimate price. Moe: Get outta here! [tosses him out the front door]

— "Ultimate" is relative, "Homer the Great"

Homer: I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff! And I want in. Carl: We don't, uh, know what you're talking about, Homer. Lenny: And you can't join the Stonecutters because it's too exclusive! Carl: [sighs] Well, it was a real nice secret organization we had once.

— And he'll tell two friends, and so on..., "Homer the Great"

Homer: Stonecutters, eh? How do I join? Lenny: There are only two ways to gain membership: be the son of a Stonecutter -- Homer: Next? Lenny: -- or, save the life of a Stonecutter. [starts to eat a sandwich] Homer: Hey! [grabs it, stomps on it] I saved your life! That egg sandwich could have killed you by cholesterol. Lenny: Pfft, forget it, Homer. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human blood stream. Homer: So one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh? Lenny: Aw, you've got it all wrong, Homer. It's not like that. [a man in an egg costume creeps, then runs, away] Homer: You'd better run, egg!

— The insidious Egg Council, "Homer the Great"

Homer: Why don't people like me, Marge? Marge: Mmm, everyone likes you, you're a wonderful person. Homer: Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks? Marge: I'm sure it's nothing personal, Homer. Homer: It is. It's been happening to me all my life. [flashback to kids climbing into a treefort] Boy: Hey Billy! Hey Joey! Come on in. There's plenty of room. Sorry, not you, Homer. Homer: Why not? [boy points to sign, "No Homers Club"] But you let in Homer Glumplich. Homer G.: [pops head out window] Hyuck hyuck! Boy: It says no Homer_s_. We're allowed to have one. Homer: Oh... [back to the present] Homer: I felt so left out. Marge: Kids can be so cruel. Bart: [walking by] We can? Thanks, Mom! Lisa: [from another room] Ow! Cut it out, Bart!

— A license to ill, "Homer the Great"

Homer: I'd give anything to get into the Stonecutters. Lisa: What do they do there, Dad? Abe: I'm a member -- Homer: What do they do? What _don't_ they do? [laughs] Oh, they do so many things they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars. Lisa: You don't know _what_ they do there, do you? Homer: Not as such, no. Abe: I'm a Stonecutter -- Bart: Dad, remember those self-hypnosis courses we took to help us ignore Grampa? Homer: Do I ever! It's five years later and I _still_ think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge! Marge: I know, I know. Bart: Maybe we should be listening to him now.

— Bart, the voice of reason, "Homer the Great"

Abe: I'm a member! Homer: Huh? Abe: What? Homer: What? Abe: Huh? Lisa: You're a member of the Stonecutters, Grampa? Abe: Oh, sure. Let's see...[pulls out wallet, starts going through it] I'm an elk, a Mason, a communist. I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason...ah, here it is. The Stonecutters. Homer: This is it! My ticket in: they have to let me in if I'm the son of a member. I'll take this communist one too. [walks out]

— McCarthy, no Springfieldian he, "Homer the Great"

Homer: Coming through! Can't throw me out, my father's a member. I'm in, I'm in. Lenny: OK, OK, Homer, you're in. Just don't point that..._thing_ at me. Homer: [pushes Grampa over] Aw, thanks, Lenny. When am I going to be initiated? Carl: As soon as Number One gets here. Homer: [scoffing] Number One? Heh heh, what kind of stupid weiner name is that? [dumb voice] Hello, my name is Number One. Hee hee... [tiring of it] and so forth.

— Mockery has its day, "Homer the Great"

Lenny: We call each other by number, not by name. Carl is Number Fourteen, I'm Number Twelve. Burnsie's Number 29. Homer: [incredulous] _You_ outrank Mr. Burns here? Lenny: Sure. Watch -- hey, 29, get over here! [Burns walks over; Lenny pinches his nose] Burns: [shudders] Thank you, Sir. May I have another? [Lenny kicks him in the butt; he falls over] [ominous] Patience, Monty...climb the ladder.

— The sword of Damocles returns, "Homer the Great"

Homer: Is he the leader? Moe: Of this chapter. There are chapters all over the world. And, it has been foretold that some day, a Chosen One will -- Homer: OK, OK, I didn't ask for your life story.

— Homer the sympathetic listener, "Homer the Great"

Carl: Let the initiation begin. Number One: All Stonecutters must take the Leap of Faith. If you survive this five-story plunge, your character will be proven. [Homer whimpers] Moe: Happy landings! [pushes him] [Homer falls two feet onto the floor; everyone laughs] [the floor collapses and Homer falls through with a yell and a crash -- five times consecutively] Homer: [from the bottom] I think I have to do it again. My blindfold came off.

— Playing by the rules, "Homer the Great"

Number One: This ritual is called...Crossing the Desert. [Homer gets paddled on the butt by Hibbert, Skinner, Brockman, Krusty, Moe, Quimby, and Willy in succession] Number One: And this, we call the Unblinking Eye. [he gets paddled by the same people in reverse order] Homer: Hey...have you ever noticed that the Crossing the Desert is a lot like the Unblinking Eye. And it's _exactly_ like the Wreck of the Hesperus. Number One: And now, the final ordeal: the Paddling of the Swollen Ass...With Paddles.

— Homer's initiation continues, "Homer the Great"

Homer: And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated and my head be plucked of all but three hairs -- Moe: Um, I think he should have to take a different oath. Number One: Everyone takes the same oath. Welcome to the club, Number 908. You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters who, since ancient times, have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Now let's all get drunk and play ping pong! Everyone: Yay! Moe: 'Cause he's already kind of heavy, you know, and --

— Moe, who's never been on safari, "Homer the Great"

Plumber: Well, to be honest, I never got around to ordering that part for you, so, uh, it's still going to be a couple of weeks. Homer: [sly] Oh, really? Plumber: Yes... Homer: Really? Plumber: Yes, yes. Homer: But what if I were to shake your hand in _this_ wise? [he and the plumber do a ridiculous handshake and pull up their shirts to reveal Stonecutters T-shirts] Plumber: Whoa, I didn't realize you were a member! [fixes the pipe with one twist, fishes Snowball II out of the water]

— Membership has its privileges[tm], "Homer the Great"

Homer: Jealous? Lenny: Well...no, we've got the same chair. Homer: [smug] You're jealous. Lenny: Your membership pack. [hands it to him] Homer: [pulls out a decal] What's this? Lenny: You put that sticker on your car so you won't get any tickets. And this other one keeps paramedics from stealing your wallet while they're working on you. Carl: Oh, and don't bother calling 911 any more...here's the _real_ number. [hands him a card with "912"] Homer: Ooh!

— 912 ain't no joke, "Homer the Great"

Lisa: {I _still_ don't believe all the founding fathers were Stonecutters.} Homer: {That's because you trust your stupid schoolbooks. Here's what _really_ happened at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. [flash to signing]} Washington: {And a nation is born. Now let us party like 'twas 1799! [small kegs are rolled in; two men chug]} Everyone: {[chanting] Quaff! Quaff! Quaff! Quaff! [a man lights a match, blows beer at it] [it makes a flamethrower and burns another man's wig]} Owner: {Please, sir! You're destroying my establishment.} Man: {We just created the greatest democracy on earth, you low- life commoner. [kicks him]} Homer: {[in the present] You want to see how Davy Crockett _really_ died at the Alamo? You must be eighteen...}

— Or is that NC-17?, "Homer the Great"

Marge: Homer, a man who called himself You-Know-Who just invited you to a secret wink-wink at the you-know-what. You certainly are popular now that you're a Stonecutter. Homer: Oh, yeah. [reads from a book] "Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, A.A. meetings, beer nights..." It's wonderful, Marge! I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people look deep within my soul and assign me a number based on the order in which I joined. [sniffs tearily]

— A true measure of worth, "Homer the Great"

Everyone: Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do! We do. Who leaves the Atlantis off the maps? [shot of Carl] Who keeps the Martians under wraps? [shot of Lenny] We do! We do. [shot of Martian] Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? [shot of Steve] We do! We do. Who robs cave fish of their sight? [shot of Skinner] Who rigs every Oscar night? [shot of Homer] We do! We do.

— The Stonecutters' call to order, "Homer the Great"

Number One: Tonight we are here to commemorate our glorious society's 1500th anniversary, and in honor of this momentous occasion...we're havin' ribs. [everyone cheers as caterers roll carts out] Homer: Uh oh, I need a bib. If I slop any on my shirt, I could lose the respect of my beloved bretheren. Number One: So let us rejoice and enjoy our meal in the shadow of the hallowed, sacred parchment. [everyone looks, gasps to see it gone] Lenny: Homer...[points at his "bib" -- the parchment] Homer: Huh? Oh, yeah. Thanks, Lenny. [wipes his mouth with it] Number One: This is just appalling and outrageous! Homer: What, did I miss something? [wipes his mouth again] [everyone murmurs angrily] Krusty: Oh... Moe: Oh, God! Lenny: Oh, Homer, no! [Homer cleans his ears] This is outrageous: you can't do that! [Homer blows his nose] No! Carl: You really are stupid.

— Hallowed, sacred, slightly soiled parchment, "Homer the Great"

[Homer hands over his robe] Number One: And the official Stonecutter underwear too. Homer: Aw. [hands it over] [Number One places them on a fire; ghosts fly out of them as they burn up] Homer: Please don't kick me out. This society is everything to me. Please give me another chance. I've learned my lesson! I've! Learned! My! Les! Son! [pounds parchment five times in his misery] [everyone clamors for more punishment] Oh, sorry.

— Homer "learns" another lesson, "Homer the Great"

Number One: Homer Simpson, for your continuing and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished from the stonecutters forever. And as a final humiliation, you must walk home naked, dragging behind you the Stone of Shame. [someone snaps a metal collar around his neck] [he starts to walk out when everyone gasps and points] Hibbert: The mark! Homer: Oh, that. It's just a birthmark. And I'll thank you not to stare! Moe: He's the Chosen One! [everyone bows low before him] Number One: You are the Chosen One whom the sacred parchment prophesied would lead us to glory! Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation! Remove the Shone of Shame. Homer: Woo hoo! Number One: Attach the Stone of Triumph! Homer: B'oh! Everyone: Yay! [they all run off] [Homer strains like anything with the new larger stone]

— Rags to riches, "Homer the Great"

Homer: Uh...I'm out. Carl: No, no no, Homer, you have the Royal, um...Sampler. [three six ten jack king] Homer: [bored] Oh, I win again, don't I. Woo hoo. [everyone congratulates him] You know, I think you guys are letting me win. Everyone: No! No... Homer: From now on you want me to be honest with me. I mean, I'm not perfect, right? Carl: Uh...y -- uh, yeah. Wiggum: Um, well, y -- na -- y -- na -- um -- Moe: Um, y -- uh -- y -- n -- run! [everyone takes off]

— A hard time with the truth, "Homer the Great"

Skinner: [to Lisa] The Grand Exulted Leader requests a moment of your time. [claps hands] Class dismissed! Children: Yay! Hoover: Yay. Homer: [walks in] Lisa, you were right. My happiness _is_ fading. Lisa: You're experiencing spiritual emptiness because your power has isolated you from other human beings. Homer: What do you mean, isolated? [echo in the class: "ated...ated...ated...ated"] Lisa: Well, maybe you could reach out to the community and help other people. Homer: Hmm...I _could_ help others. [slowly] I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress them up, and make them reenact the civil war. Lisa: Dad, that doesn't help people! Homer: Couldn't hurt...unless the monkeys start hurting people. Which they almost certainly would.

— It was the best of times..., "Homer the Great"

Homer: Brothers, I've learned a wonderful lesson: helping others makes our own lives better and makes us better people. So instead of just shooting pool and drinking beer, let us Stonecutters use what we have to help the less fortunate. [crowd stares, dumbfounded; crickets chirp] Moe: He's gone mad with power like that Albert Schweitzer guy.

— Albert, Adolf, what's the difference, "Homer the Great"

Homer: You were right, Lisa: I've never felt so spiritually fulfilled. And with my brothers the Stonecutters behind me, this is the beginning of a better world for all of us. Moe: We've got to kill him! Number One: Take it easy, Moe. Let's hear from the Stonecutter world council before we act too rashly. Orville: Kill him. Nicholson: Kill him. Mr. T: Kill the fool! Bush: I'm afraid I have to disagree with Orville, Jack, and Mr. Can't we just do something to his voice box?

— Sage World Council advice, "Homer the Great"

Number One: We might as well face the truth: as long as we're Stonecutters, he will control our lives. Moe: Maybe...but _maybe_ we don't want to be Stonecutters no more. [a crane removes a "Baskin Robbins" sign and replaces it with "Abandoned Store"] Number One: Silence! I now call to order the first meeting of the ancient mystic society of...No Homers. [George Bush unveils a logo] Everyone: Yay! Homer: [knocking] Hey fellahs, can I join? Number One: Sorry...no Homers. Homer G.: Hyuck hyuck.

— No Homers, plural, already!, "Homer the Great"

Homer: Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg. [camera pulls back to reveal scattered, costumed monkeys] Marge: [walking in] Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these globus monkeys. Somebody's going to get parasites. Homer: Oh Marge, kids, I miss my club. Marge: Oh, Homey. You know, you _are_ a member of a very exclusive club. Homer: Black panthers? Marge: No, the family Simpson, which has just five members -- and only two of those members have special rings. Bart+Lisa: Yeah! [they blow on their whistle rings] Marge: I meant our wedding rings!

— "Homer the Great"

Homer: You know, Marge, you're right. The Simpson family is the best possible club I could belong to. [group hug] [at home, Bart paddles Homer] Homer: This club better be worth it! [Bart paddles Homer more] Marge: All right, all right. It's Lisa's turn.

— Democracy in the Simpson family club, "Homer the Great"

Announcer: We now return to "Knightboat: the Crime-Solving Boat". Michael: Faster, Knightboat! We gotta catch those starfish poachers. Knightboat: You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you. Michael: Oh, no! They're headed for land. [the poachers ride onto the beach, jump on motorcycles, and speed away] Michael: We'll never catch them now. Knightboat: Incorrect: look! A canal. Homer: Go, Knightboat, go! Bart: Oh, every week there's a canal. Lisa: Or an inlet. Bart: Or a fjord. Homer: Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat.

— Ripoff 90s shows, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Marge: OK, TV off. It's family time. Homer: Oh, but Marge! Knightboat, the _crime-solving_ boat. Marge: Homer, you promised. One night of family time a week -- besides, that backtalking boat sets a bad example. Bart: Says you, woman.

— Marge, right yet again, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Marge: All right, family time begins now. [turns a kitchen timer to 0:60] [Bart yawns; Homer yawns] [Homer grabs the timer and starts turning it the other way] Marge: Homer! Homer: It was Bart.

— Homer and his scapegoats, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Lisa: Why don't we all look at the photo album? Homer: [as Marge opens it] So many memories. Aw, look -- Knightboat. Bart+Lisa: Aww... Homer: And _here's_ our TV next to the mirror! It looks like we have two. Bart+Lisa: Wow, two! Marge: Yeah, yeah, yeah, two. Let's get to the baby pictures. Bart+Lisa: Aw, Mom! Homer: [sarcastic] Oh, yeah, _that's_ exciting.

— Quality family time, "And Maggie Makes Three"

[looking at the photo album] Marge: Here's Bart sleeping. Here he is dozing...here he is after a visit from the sandman. Ooh, here's nappy time, Bart! Here's a cute one: he's all tuckered out. Lisa: Why aren't there any pictures of Maggie? [Maggie looks worried] Homer: Well I'm _glad_ you asked. It's actually a very interesting story. Bart+Lisa: [groaning] Oh... Homer: It all began about two years ago before Maggie was even born. {Bart, you were Lisa's age and Lisa, you were...the age Bart was several years ago.} Bart: {Get the camera ready, Bart very sleepy...[yawns]}

— Photo ops, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Homer: {Listen carefully and my words will shape images as clear as any TV show.} It was a tumultuous time for our nation: the clear beverage craze gave us all a reason to live. The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek. And the domestication of the dog continued unabated. [flash to Homer at work] I was at my work station when suddenly -- [a voice comes over the PA] Terrorist: Attention American workers: your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists. [the lights go off; the emergency lighting comes on] Homer: Not on _my_ shift! [jumps into an overhead vent] [in Burns' office, terrorists prepare to kill bound and gagged Lenny, Burns, and Carl] [Homer arrives through a vent and karate chops them all] Homer: Simpson ten, terrorists eight. [the gagged captives laugh despite themselves] Marge: Homer, tell the story right! Homer: Oh, OK.

— Hyperbolic Homer, "And Maggie Makes Three"

[Homer raises his arms one at a time in front of a fan] [Carl and Lenny hold hankies to their noses and cough] Carl: [gagging] Homer, you should see a doctor -- I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell. Smithers: [walking in] Your paychecks, gentlemen. Homer: [opening his] Woo hoo! This is it: with this single, glorious check, I'm finally completely out of debt! [he checks a calendar with the 18th circled: "Out of debt here"] Yes! With my bills paid off, I can finally quit this lousy job. Lenny: But Homer, how are you going to make a living? Homer: Don't worry about Homer J., I've got a plan. [menacing] A plan that'll fix you good... Carl: Hey, what did we do? Homer: Sorry, that just slipped out. [hugs them] I'll miss you.

— Homer's sincere departure, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Homer: Did you hear me? I said I quit, Monty! And since I quit, I can do anything I want. Burns: Is that so? Homer: Ooh, lovely desk. It would be too bad if someone, oh, I don't know...didn't use a coaster! [picks glass off coaster, puts it on the desk] Burns: [gasps] Homer: [laughs] Such a nice tidy office...maybe it's time you started living like a pig! [empties single wad of paper from garbage pail onto floor] Burns: [stammers incoherently] Homer: Oh, I hope I haven't upset you...bongo-head! [starts playing the bongos on Burns' head, grunting along] Burns: [calm] Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage...and island rhythms. [Homer drives through the plant on an electric car] [everyone cheers as Homer continues playing] Carl: Yeah, way to play the boss' head like a bongo, Homer! Lenny: [moving to the beat] He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.

— New uses for Burns' pate, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Homer: And that is that! Goodbye mind-numbing, back-breaking labor forever. Hello, dream job in paradise. [scene switch to Homer against a backdrop of blue skies, beaches, palm trees, and steel drum music] And now, the final phase of my plan. [camera pulls back to reveal Homer is at the bowling alley] [walking up to him] Hey Barney, any chance you can get me a job here? Barney: Hey, sure, Homer. I told you, my uncle owns the place. Hey, Uncle Al: can Homer here have a job? Al: Sure. Homer: Woo hoo! [dances a little jig] Al: Barney, you're fired. Barney: OK. [walks away] Al: Show up tomorrow. Bring three rags. Oh! And, uh, change your pants. Homer: Why? Al: When it happens, you'll know.

— Homer's new plan for life, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Bart: You're a pin-monkey? Wow! Finally I don't have to be ashamed of my father's job. Lisa: I think it's romantic, throwing off the shackles of the workaday world and following a dream...of sorts. Marge: I don't know if it's such a good idea. Can we get by on a pin-monkey's salary? Homer: Don't worry, Marge, I've come up with a perfectly balanced budget. There will be exactly enough money for you, me, Bart, and Lisa, if we make a few small sacrifices. Marge: [skeptical] Uh huh... Homer: From now on, we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind. [Bart punches the wall] Homer: And only one of you kids can go to college. Bart+Lisa: Fine.

— Probably _not_ Bart, I'm guessing, "And Maggie Makes Three"

[scene shows Marge dressing up and Homer in a suit] Homer: [voice-over] That night, your mother and I went out for a romantic evening to celebrate the start of our new life... ["At the Copacabana" plays] [camera shows Marge and Homer dancing while seated in the car at at Krusty Burger drive thru] Homer: [voice-over] ...followed by a stroll on the beach. [they lie down on the sand near the water and kiss] Homer: Marge... Marge: Homer... Homer: [sly] I've got sand in my underpants. Marge: Me too. Let's go home. [they leave; Homer runs back quickly to scoop more sand into his pants]

— So much for _that_ lumbering double entendre, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Homer: [sighs] I love you, Marge. Marge: I love you too, Homey. Homer: Everything in our lives is finally perfectly balanced. I hope things stay exactly like this forever. Marge: Mm hmm. ["Seconds later" scene shows lots of little Homer sperm bumping their heads and going "D'oh! D'oh!"] [one breaks through the egg and goes "Woo hoo!"] [scene switch to present day, Homer swimming like a sperm] Marge: Did you have to be so graphic? Homer: It's OK, Marge: they pave the way for this kind of filth in school.

— Homer gives sex-ed lessons, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Lisa: So, Dad, were you excited that Mom was pregnant? Homer: Actually, your mother hadn't told me. At that time I had no idea Maggie even existed. [he goes to sit down, right where Maggie is] Bart+Lisa: Dad! [Marge grabs her away] Homer: [not realizing] Hi Maggie!

— At _that_ time?, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Homer: So anywho, back then there was _no_ way for me to know your mother was pregnant. [flash to Marge pushing Homer out of the way, running into the bathroom, and throwing up] Homer: Marge, you tie up the bathroom every morning! I've got to wash my hair. [pounds on door]

— "And Maggie Makes Three"

Homer: [voice-over] The next few weeks at my dream job were like a wonderful waking coma. [Homer turns the balls so all finger holes point the same way] [everyone walking by says, "Hi Homer!" cheerfully] Homer: [spraying shoes then sniffing them] Mmm, bowling fresh. [putting urinal cakes in the urinals] Mmm, urinal fresh. [Homer shines a ball in the "Shine-O Ball-O; glances around furtively, then shines his head in it] Al: [reflected in Homer's head] Homer, did you polish your head in the Shine-O Ball-O? Homer: Mmm...no. Al: OK, then. [checks his hair, then walks off]

— I guess Homer's got an oily T-zone, "And Maggie Makes Three"

[Homer serves drinks to bowlers] Homer: [voice-over] I was in heaven. If horseracing is the sport of kings, then surely bowling is a...very good sport as well. Bowler 1: Hey, great job, Homer. Bowler 2: Thanks a lot, Homer. Bowler 3: Hey, you're the best. Homer: [singing] I'm going to make it after all! [tosses his bowling ball, which breaks through the alley]

— Homer Tyler Moore, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Hibbert: Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson: you're pregnant. Marge: Mmm... Hibbert: Am I to take it that this is [chuckles] an unwanted pregnancy? Marge: Oh, no, no, not exactly. It's just that I haven't told Homer yet, and with his new job, I don't know how we're going to be able to afford this. Hibbert: Well, you know a healthy baby can bring upwards of $60,000. Marge: What?! Hibbert: Well, of course, that was just a test. Er, had you reacted differently, you'd be in jail right now. Simply a test. [laughs uncomfortably]

— Dr. Hibbert, evil Republican, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Marge: So in a few months, both of you will have a brand new brother or sister. Bart: Been there, done that. Lisa: I hope it's a girl. Bart: You know nothing about genetics, Lis: it goes boy, girl, boy, girl. Lisa: You're worried about telling Dad, aren't you, Mom? Marge: Why do you say that? Lisa: Well you've been in my room for about four hours now. Marge: Hey, I'm just hangin'. [Marge goes to the door and peeks around the corner furtively]

— A bun in the oven, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Marge: Homey, I -- Homer: Can't talk, praying. Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me and I am thankful. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. Marge: Mmm. Homer: So here's the deal: you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. [brief pause] OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign. [brief pause] Thy will be done! [mows down]

— Homer's solution to the Lord's unresponsiveness, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Marge: I've got to tell Homer about this baby in just the right way and at just the right time. Until then, please, keep this to yourselves. Patty: Oh, if he found out now, it would probably destroy him, huh? Marge: Oh, yes. Patty+Selma: Gotta go! Marge: Wait a minute! Wait, I know that look. Now promise you won't tell Homer. Selma: Oh, we promise we won't tell..._Homer_. [they go to the phone book and open it to page one] Patty: [dials 356756] Hello, is this A. Aaronson? It might interest to you to know that Marge Simpson is pregnant again. [later] Patty: [on the phone] Just thought you'd like to know, Mr. Zykowski. [hangs up, sighs] There. Aaronson and Zykowski are the two biggest gossips in town. In an hour, everyone will know.

— Odd last-name coincidences, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job. Wiggum: [driving by] Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer. Homer: Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work. Apu: Oh, Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir! Homer: It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money. Moe: [sly] Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant. [laughs] Homer: This is getting very abstract, but thank you: I _do_ enjoy working at the bowling alley.

— Nietzschean Moe, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Everyone: Surprise! Baby shower. Marge: Baby shower? You _know_ I haven't told Homer yet, and he'll be home any minute. Patty+Selma: [mocking] Oh _really_? [the door opens] Marge: [gasps, sees no one there] Phew! [starts to close the door] Homer: [barging in] Hey, it's me. It's hell out there! [notices everyone standing around] Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're..._showering_ Marge with gifts. Hmm...with little, tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub. [walks up stairs] Maude: By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer. Homer: New job? ...Marge is pregnant?! [pulls hair out] Noooooo! [runs up stairs screaming, slams bedroom door]

— Homer infers an exceedingly indirect inference, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Bart: [in the present] Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl? Homer: Oh, just that one time. Marge: Actually, when I was about to have Bart -- Homer: [in flashback] You're pregnant?! [pulls hair, screams] Marge: [in the present] And then when I told him about Lisa -- Homer: [in flashback] You're pregnant again?! [pulls hair, screams, runs off] Homer: [in the present] Well, who _wouldn't_ be upset? That new baby in your mother's womb was a ticking time bomb threatening to blow this family eight ways from Sunday. [Bart and Lisa are walking off] Hey! Where are you going? Bart: Dad, you can't expect a person to sit for thirty minutes straight. Lisa: I'm going to get a snack, or maybe go to the bathroom. Marge: I'll stay here, but I'm going to think about products I might like to purchase. [closes eyes] Ooh...mmm...ooh, I don't have that.

— Leading to commercial, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Homer: Oh, you're pregnant! We're going to have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined. We're doomed...doomed, I tells ya! [Homer's head expands, then explodes] Marge: [in the present] Bart, let your father tell the story. Homer: Yeah! Bart: OK, but I know funny. Homer: Anywho... Homer: [in the past, still headless] [weeps] We're doomed! Marge: [voice-over] Homer, you had a head. Homer: [voice-over] Check. [a new one grows] Marge: And your bottom was a little bigger. Homer: Aw. [it inflates like a balloon]

— Poetic license, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Marge: You've worked hard at the bowling alley. Why don't you ask for a raise? Homer: Yeah, a raise. I've never been good enough at any job to deserve one before, but I'm damn good at this one. That's it: I'm going to march right up to Al and say -- [at the alley] Homer: Steve! I mean, Al! I think I deserve a raise. Al: Aw, you're a hard worker, and I'd like to give you a raise, but the alley just ain't doing enough business to pay that kind of money. Homer: How about...if I _triple_ the business? Then could I get a raise? Al: Well, yeah, but -- Homer: [motions him to stop] [shot of Homer reading "Advanced Marketing" at home] [shot of garbage can containing "Advanced Marketing" and Homer reading "Basic Marketing"] [shot of both books in garbage and Homer reading the dictionary]

— Slow starts, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Lisa: Mom, make Dad tell the story right! Marge: That's what really happened. Lisa: Oh...

— Homer describes his marketing plan involving a shotgun, "And Maggie Makes Three"

[Homer walks dejected through the empty alley] Homer: [voice-over] My marketing plan attracted a record number of police and fire officials. But few stayed to bowl. I'd failed. Quitting my dream job was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Al: You did a great job, Homer, and I'm really going to miss you. The place has never been cleaner, and the way you kept the young people away -- whew! That was beautiful. [assembled bowlers murmur assent] Anyway, we all pitched in and we got you this little going- away thing. [a jacket saying "Sorry you had to 'split'"] Homer: [sniffs] This was the happiest time of my life. I'll never forget you guys. Especially you, Joey. Joey: [a young boy dressed like a shoe-shine boy] See you 'round, Mr. Homer. Homer: Don't worry, Joey, we'll make it to California some day. Joey: Sure we will, Mr. Homer, sure we will. [coughs] Bowler 1: It's going to be sad around here without you, Homer. [bowlers murmur assent as Homer walks out] Bowler 2: Boy, this is depressing. Bowler 3: Hey, I know what would cheer us up: bowling!

— Homer's grandiose plans laid to rest, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Woman: Yes? Are you a new applicant? Homer: Actually, I quit and I came to get my job back. Woman: Through there. [points to a doggy door] [Homer crawls through, into Mr. Burns' office] [he coughs up dust] Burns: So...come crawling back, eh? Homer: Seems like the classy thing to do would be not to call attention to it.

— Trying to convince Monty of reason, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Homer: Thanks for giving me my old job back. Burns: I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague. Smithers: Uh, sir, that's the plaque. Burns: Ah yes, the special demotivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. Because, you see, you're here forever. [Smithers screws a "Don't forget: you're here forever" plaque into the wall] Burns: Don't forget: you're here forever!

— Unpleasant reminders, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Homer: Aw, I've never been so miserable in all my life. But I can't take it out on Marge and the kids -- I've gotta carry the burden all by myself. [walks in] Hi, honey, how are you? Marge: Well, actually -- Homer: Aw, I can't go on with this charade any longer! I hate my job, I hate my life, and ever since I found out about this baby there's been nothing but bad luck. Marge: My contractions started an hour ago. Homer: It's just in one ear and out the other with you, isn't it, Marge?

— Homer, sensitive new-age man, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Quimby: {This is incredible. It's God's most wondrous miracle.} Nurse: {Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.} Quimby: {My wife? Where? Where?! [runs off in a panic]} Doctor: {Congratulations, it's a boy! [takes a polaroid]} McAllister: {Argh. [holding his baby by the feet] You're truly the catch of the day.} Homer: [nonplussed] It's wonderful, it's magical, oh boy, here it comes, another mouth. Hibbert: One more push should do it. Homer: Marvelous. [a baby cries once, then again] Hibbert: Congratulations, Mr. Simpson: you have a beautiful, healthy baby. Homer: OK. [makes thumbs up sign] [Maggie grabs the thumb with her tiny hand] Huh? Marge: Homey, I think someone is saying "Hello". Homer: Hello. Aw, it's a boy -- and what a boy! Hibbert: Er, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.

— Details, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Homer: A girl! Oh, Marge, we have a wonderful baby girl. Not just a girl -- the most beautiful baby girl in the whole world. Marge: [sighs] Homer: Come on, Marge, show a little enthusiasm. [they kiss; Maggie shapes her lips like a kiss, then grabs a pacifier and sucks it]

— The genesis of the pacifier explained, "And Maggie Makes Three"

[in the present] Lisa: So you loved her right from the start! Homer: [tickling Maggie and giggling] Absolutely. Bart: Then why no pictures? Homer: Oh, there are pictures. I keep them where I need the most cheering up. [shot of pictures covering demotivational plaque at work] [all that can be seen of the plaque is "Do it for her"]

— End of story, "And Maggie Makes Three"

Skinner: And now, to top off our most propane-explosion-free science week ever, our grand finale: the launching of a weather balloon! Children: Yay! Bart: Go, weather balloon! Hurrah for science, woo! Skinner: [to himself] "Hurrah for science, woo"? I can't say I approve of the "woo" but the "hurrah" was quite heartening.

— Skinner, censurer, "Bart's Comet"

Bart: I don't think I really captured the eyes. Milhouse: Bart, if you have a failing, it's that you're always demanding perfection -- _if_ you have a failing. Skinner: Whoever brings down that balloon doesn't have to learn fractions! Children: Yay! [start throwing rocks at it] Skinner: [hearing clanking noises] Uh, careful, children, that's my car...

— Bart pulls a weather balloon prank, "Bart's Comet"

Skinner: [ominous] Destroy that balloon. Willy: Aye. [cocks a shotgun, shoots into the sky] [two fighter planes fly overhead] Pilot 1: Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact ID on the bogey now. [screen shows a silhouette of Willy and "Identify"] [screen flashes "Iraqi fighter jet"] Pilot 1: Iraqis again. Launching sidewinder missile. [missile destroys the other plane] Missed him. Launching second sidewinder missile. [missile destroys his own plane] Pilot 1: [parachuting] This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care! Pilot 2: [parachuting] It's a good program! Just give it a chance, that's all I ask. [their parachutes fail; they crash to the ground]

— Pros and cons of deficit reduction schemes, "Bart's Comet"

Skinner: Oh, it won't come down for months. Curse the man who invented helium! Curse Pierre-Jules-Cesar Janssen. Now to find out who did this...Bart! Empty your pockets. Bart: Empty _my_ pockets, you say? [does so] Well, certainly, but I fail to see how -- Skinner: [picking something up] Hmm...blueprints of the dummy... notarized photos of you _making_ the dummy...and an alternate wording for the _banner_, "Buttzilla". Bart: Race you to Utah, Milhouse. Milhouse: OK.

— Exit Bart, "Bart's Comet"

Skinner: I'm going to punish you for this, Bart -- and it won't just be a simple caning this time. Because you have impeded science, you must now _aid_ science. Yes...starting tomorrow, you will assist me with my amateur astronomy, taking down measurements, carrying equipment, and so forth. 4:30 in the morning. Bart: There's a 4:30 in the morning now?

— Bart's twelve-hour days, "Bart's Comet"

DJ: Top of the hour, time for the morning news. But of course, there _is_ no news yet. Everyone's still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds. Good night, everybody. Bart: [groans] Oh... {[walks to his parents' room]} {Mom, will you make me breakfast?} Marge: {[mostly asleep] There's a stuffed pepper in the trash from last night. Just rinse it good.} {[downstairs, the pets watch TV]} {TV: Come home, Lassie. Here, boy! Come on, girl.} {[the pets see Bart coming and quickly turn the TV off and pretend to sleep]}

— The secret nocturnal lives of pets, "Bart's Comet"

Skinner: Ah, there's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention...[chuckles] Science has it all. Bart: Is that the telescope we're going to be looking through? Skinner: Yes, but you won't be looking through it: I forbid it, heh heh. But you don't _need_ a telescope to enjoy astronomy, Bart: there are all the constellations you've heard so much about. [pointing] There's Orion, the swan, the chariot race -- Bart: Why don't they look anything like their names? Skinner: Well, you do have to use your imagination. Look: there's the three wise men. [points to Curly, Larry, and Moe]

— Wise at slapstick, maybe, "Bart's Comet"

Bart: Who names these things [the constellations] anyway? Skinner: Whoever discovers them. I've been hoping I could find something that would be named after me. Bart: And you've never found anything? Skinner: Once...but by the time I got to the phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kahoutek...[a cloud covers the moon; scary music plays] I got back at him, though...him and that little _boy_ of his. [the music ends] Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.

— The former green beret and his tricks, "Bart's Comet"

Skinner: Now, this morning we're going to be mapping a small square of sky that's thought to be empty. It's my hope that it's not. Bart: So what am I supposed to do exactly? Skinner: Just write down my findings as I give them to you. Six hours nineteen minutes right ascension, fourteen degrees twenty-two minutes declination: no sighting. Bart: [bored] Mm hmm. Skinner: Six hours nineteen minutes right ascension, fourteen degrees twenty-three minutes declination: no sighting. Bart: Mm hmm. [later] Skinner: Six hours nineteen minutes right ascension, fourteen degrees fifty-eight minutes declination: no sighting. Did you get that one Bart? Bart: Hell no? Skinner: Good.

— Gripping astronomy, "Bart's Comet"

Skinner: My stars! Give me the phone. [dials 325-6753] Woman: [at observatory] Check out 6-19-14-59. [man at telescope does so] [the Skinner weather balloon comes into focus] Skinner: No, there's no need to do that...it's already named after me.

— Skinner the observator, "Bart's Comet"

Skinner: It's coming pretty close to the ground, maybe I can catch it. Don't touch the telescope, Bart. A slight change in elevation can destroy a whole morning's work. [runs off] Bart: [looks at telescope, grins, spins it] Woo! Pirates off the port bow, all hands on deck! [looks through it] Hey... [pushes "redial" on the phone] Hello, observatory? This is Bart Simpson. I see something in the sky at 4-12-8 and the last number is 7. Skinner: [catching the balloon] Ah, got you, my rumpy doppelganger. [floats to ground next to Bart] I've got it! I -- what are you doing? Give me that phone! Woman: [on phone] Congratulations, Bart. You've just discovered a comet. Skinner: Nooo! [lets go of balloon by accident] Noooo! [paperman rides by, throws paper in front of him] [headline: "Prez Sez: school is for losers"] Nooooo!

— A chapter of accidents, "Bart's Comet"

Homer: {And then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate.} Lisa: {Sounds like you had a good day today, Dad.} Homer: {Yeah...except I forgot to go to work.} {[everyone looks at him silently]} Marge: What did you do today, Bart? Bart: What _didn't_ I do? [hands his mother a newspaper] Marge: [reads comet] "Boy Discovers Comet"... Lisa: What? Marge: "A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet to be known as the `Bart Simpson Comet'." [gasps] Oh, honey, I'm so _proud_ of you. Bart: But then, you've _always_ been proud of me. Marge: [pauses] Yes...

— Well no, actually, "Bart's Comet"

Ham: Won't you join us, Bart? Bart: [looks around] Uh...I guess so. Database: As the first student at Springfield Elementary to discover a comet, we're very proud to make you a member of our very select group. Welcome to Super Friends. Bart: Huh? Kids: Welcome, Super Friend. Ham: I am called Ham, because I enjoy ham radio. This is Email... Cosine...Report Card...Database...and Lisa. Your nickname will be Cosmos. Bart: [finishing a mouthful hurriedly] Well, I'm done eating. Goodbye. Kids: Goodbye, Cosmos.

— Bart's not as cool as Green Lantern, "Bart's Comet"

Database: Perhaps some night you could show us your comet. Bart: [pointing] There it is right there. Database: I make it a point never to turn my head unless I expect to see something, Bart. Now truly, we can't see your comet in broad daylight and without a telescope. Bart: But you don't _need_ a stupid telescope. It's right _there_. [the kids look and gasp as they see it] Email: Oh no, no, no, this isn't right at all! Database: It must be coming toward us at a fantastic speed. Bart: Huh? Lisa: Don't you realize what's happening, Bart? Your comet is going to collide with the Earth and every living thing in its path will be killed! Bart: I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet, Lisa. You've always been petty and small, _right_ from the beginning. Report Card: We must alert the proper authorities. Email: To the observatory!

— The comet's threat is discovered, "Bart's Comet"

Abe: Sounds like the doomsday whistle! Ain't been blown for nigh onto three years. Jasper: Tsk, tsk, tsk...trouble abrewing.

— The air raid siren blows, "Bart's Comet"

Quimby: Fellow citizens, when I learned about the impending crisis, I caught the very next plane to Springfeld...field. [everyone claps politely] First of all, yes, there is a comet in the sky, and yes, it is going to hit Springfield. [a couple of people clap] You don't need to applaud that.

— The mayor calls a town meeting, "Bart's Comet"

Quimby: Now, here's what we think the impact might look like. Show them, Jerry. [first slide shows arrows pointing to "Springfield" and the "Comet"] [second slide shows collision of two and an arrow pointing to "Moe's"] Moe: Oh, dear God, no! [third slide shows smoking crater with arrows pointing to "Charred Bodies"] Quimby: Fortunately we have a plan: Professor Frink? Frink: Nn-hey, good evening, ladies and -- Man: [hysterical] Quit stalling! What's the plan? Frink: All right, just take your seat, just take your seat. [pulls a sheet off a model of the city] Now, working with former Carter Administration officials and military men who were forced into early retirement for various reasons which we won't go into here, nn-hey, we have planned this defense for the city: [flicks a switch] as the comet hurtles towards the city, our rocket will intercept it and blow it to smithereens. [little models of the comet and rocket demonstrate] [the comet explodes and catches "Moe's" on fire] Moe: Oh, dear God, no!

— Moe, loser either way, "Bart's Comet"

Homer: Will you all stop worrying about that stupid comet? It's going to be destroyed, didn't you hear what that guy in the building said? Lisa: But Dad, don't you think -- Homer: Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't _have_ to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they? Lisa: No, Dad, I don't think -- Homer: There's that word again.

— Homer doing what he does best, "Bart's Comet"

Marge: Homer, what if this doesn't work? Homer: Well, then I have a backup plan. See? While the unprepared are still sitting around twiddling their thumbs and going -- [twiddles his thumbs, hums a goofy tune] Bart: {[interrupts] Dad! The plan.} Homer: {I'm getting to that! So anyway, they're going -- [twiddles his thumbs more, hums more]} Bart: [interrupts] Dad! Homer: So anyway, we get in our car and take the bridge out of town, all the while they're still going -- [twiddles his thumbs and hums again] Lisa: [interrupts] Dad, they're firing the rocket! Homer: [knocked backwards by the blast] All right!

— The alternate plan cut short, "Bart's Comet"

Lisa: It blew up the bridge! We're doomed. Homer: It's times like this I wish I were a religious man. Lovejoy: [running down the street] It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer, argh...

— Religion, opiate of Homer, "Bart's Comet"

Kent: And, like Icarus, the rocket foolishly soared too high, and lost control of its servo guidance mechanism, leaving us with some...[checks watch] six hours to live. So, let's go live now to the charred remains of the only bridge out of town with Arnie Pie and Arnie in the Sky! Arnie: With the bridge gone and the airport unfortunately on the other side of the bridge, a number of citizens are attempting to jump the gorge with their cars. It's a silent testament to the never-give-up and never-think- things-out spirit of our citizens. Kent: With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States congress. Speaker: Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of -- Congressman: Wait a minute, I want to tack on a rider to that bill: $30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts. Speaker: All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-pervert bill? [everyone boos] Speaker: Bill defeated. [bangs gavel] Kent: I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.

— Kent Brockman shows his true color: pink, "Bart's Comet"

Kent: Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so...the following people are gay. [a list flashes by hurriedly] Marge: Turn it off! Homer: [copying down the list quickly] Just a second...

— Homer and his useless lists, "Bart's Comet"

Homer: What's everyone so worked up about? So there's a comet -- big deal. It'll burn up in our atmosphere and what's ever left will be no bigger than a chihuahua's head. Bart: Wow, Dad, maybe you're right. Homer: Of course I'm right. If I'm not, may we all be horribly crushed from above somehow. [everyone groans] OK, if you're that worried about it, let's go down to the bomb shelter. Lisa: We have a bomb shelter? Homer: Homer Simpson takes care of _his_ family. [the family goes outside] Homer: [pounding on a door] Flanders! Open up.

— Homer, living vicariously through Ned, "Bart's Comet"

Ned: Heidy-hoeroony, neighbor. What can I do you for? Homer: Get out of there. My family needs to use your bomb shelter. Marge: Homer! Ned: Uh oh, I kind of figured this might happen, so I built the shelter big enough for both our families. Homer: No deal. Out. Marge: Get in the shelter, Homer!

— Homer rejects the first offer, "Bart's Comet"

Marge: [checks her watch] One more hour. Homer: An hour? I can't wait another hour. What's keeping that stupid comet? [someone knocks on the door] Ah, there it is. [Ned answers it; the rest of Springfield stands outside] Ned: Well, howdily-doodily, neighbors. Shouldn't you be in your shelterinis by now? Moe: [menacing] We haven't got shelterinis. We want in yours! Ned: Well, ho ho, the shelter's kind of full. Moe: [not realizing] Really? Oh. Well, we'll just go off some place and die then. Thanks. [everyone walks off] Ned: Wait! You know, I may regret this when our air runs out and we can't whistle _or_ stay alive, but...oh, what the hey. [everyone barges in]

— Moe's bargaining tactics, "Bart's Comet"

Homer: I can't get the -- [struggles] -- I can't get the door closed. Somebody's going to have to get out. Lisa: [muffled] I'd get out but I don't know where I am. Barney: Hey! Somebody's touching me. Skinner: I am. Barney: [happy] Oh, OK.

— Ned's shelter brims over capacity, "Bart's Comet"

Krusty: OK, OK, let's figure out who should stay. The world of the future will need laughter, so I'm in. Moe: And they'll need somebody to dispense drinks, i.e., me, and someone'll have to run the power. You can do that, Homer. Homer: [uncertain] Uh, yeah...I can do that. [the comet looms ever closer] Lovejoy: OK, let's start again. We'll need laughter, religious enlightenment, gossip -- that's Mrs. Lovejoy --

— Predicting the future world necessities, "Bart's Comet"

Homer: Wait a minute: we all know the one thing we won't need in the future! Left-handed stores. That's you, Flanders! [whispered to Rod & Todd] I'm terribly story. [to everyone] Flanders is the only useless person here. If anyone dies, it should be him. [whispered] I'm sorry, please forgive me. [to everyone] So let's kick Flanders out. [whispered] Sorry. Ned: Well sir, sounds fair. Toodleloo, everybody; I'll scream when the comet gets here. Maude: Oh, I'm coming with you, Neddy. Ned: No, sweetheart, you...you stay here because -- Maude: [quickly] OK. Ned: I might go mad with fear out there, so Todd, I want you to shoot Daddy if he tries to get back in. Todd: OK, Dad. [weeps] Ned: OK. [sings on his way out] Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see...

— Ned, closed fatalist, "Bart's Comet"

Moe: Hey, uh, I got an idea: we can play a game to pass the time. Er, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, er, you all try to guess what it is. Ahem: [makes some unidentifiable noise] Wiggum: It's a pig! Bart: It's a cow, man. Lisa: It's a pony. Krusty: No, it's a goat. You know, one of them lady goats. Selma: There are no lady goats: a lady goat is a sheep. Hibbert: I believe she's right. Otto: You're crazy. McAllister: Arr, what's it to you? Otto: What's it to _me_? [everyone starts arguing] Marge: Stop it! Stop it! Can't you see this barnyard noise guessing game is tearing us apart? [Ned still sings "Que Sera, Sera" outside] Say, Moe, was it a duck? [everyone argues again]

— The final hour before the comet hits, "Bart's Comet"

Homer: Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it. I can't take this any more. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you -- especially his children. I'm going out there! [goes out, slams door behind him] [pops his head back in] It was a baby ox. Moe: He's right, you know. Skinner: [surprised] About the ox? Moe: About everything, dammit. Hey Homer, wait up. I want to die too. Apu: If you are going, I am going. Barney: Me too! [everyone assents and leaves]

— Never-think-things-through, indeed, "Bart's Comet"

Ned: [singing] When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, "What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?" Here's what she said to me: Everyone: [joining in] Que sera, sera, Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours to see Que sera -- Quimby: [pointing at the comet] Run!

— Forced bravado, "Bart's Comet"

Bart: Cool. [picks up what's left of the comet] Lisa: We're saved! Everyone: Yay! Selma: Sure makes you appreciate the preciousness of life. [she and Patty light a cigarette and puff contentedly] Moe: Let's go burn down the observatory so this will never happen again.

— Moe's miracle cure, "Bart's Comet"

Lisa: I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against burned up the comet. Bart: But what's really amazing, is that this is _exactly_ what Dad said would happen. Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right. Homer: I know, kids. I'm scared too!

— Homer "Nostradamus" Simpson, "Bart's Comet"

Lisa: When Krusty wants to, he can still blow 'em away. Bart: Yes. He can take a simple, everyday thing like eating a bicycle and make it funny.

— Bart and Lisa marvel at the Klown, "Homer the Clown"

Krusty: Ah, there's nothing better than a cigarette...unless it's a cigarette lit with a $100 bill! [tosses a burning $100 bill away] [hands bundles of cash to his aides] Put five thousand bucks on the Lakers. Hire Kenny G to play for me in the elevator. My house is dirty; buy me a clean one. [walks into his office, closes the door] Bill: Krusty, as your accountant, I must warn you your spending -- Krusty: Did you send those thousand roses to Bea Arthur's grave? Bill: [exasperated] Yes, but she's still -- Krusty: I don't want to hear the end of any sentences! Woman: [over intercom] George Carlin on three. Krusty: [answers it] Yeah?...Lawsuit? Oh, come on. My "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit was _entirely_ different from _your_ "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit. ...So I'm a thief, am I? Well, excuuuse me! [to his accountant] Give him ten grand. Woman: Steve Martin on four. Krusty: Ten grand.

— Krusty learns the value of paying people off, "Homer the Clown"

Tony: Krusty, with regards to the large wager you made on yesterday's horse race -- Krusty: Aw, come on, let -- how about letting me go double or nothing on the big opera tonight? Tony: Who do you like? Krusty: The tenor! Tony: [thinks] OK. But we're only letting the bet ride because you crack us so consistently up.

— Krusty's gambling racketeers, "Homer the Clown"

Bill: You've got to stop blowing your money like this, Krusty. Krusty: No can do. [lights a cigarette with an original Superman comic] Bill: And those ridiculous bets you make...gambling is the finest thing a person can do _if_ he's good at it, but you haven't won anything in months. Krusty: So? I'll just make some more money. Crank out some cheesy merchandise. Bill: But you've already merchandised everything: Krusty's Monopoly Game, the Krusty Krowd Kontrol Barrier..._nothing_ is selling any more, not even your new Lady Krusty line. Krusty: But our infomercials are running 24 hours a day! [flips TV on] [a woman goes over her upper lip with a chomping Krusty shaver-type thing] Johnny: So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty Mustache Removal System now, Angelique? Angelique: It's Krusteriffic, Johnny Unitas. But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this? Johnny: Probably.

— Truth in advertising, "Homer the Clown"

Bill: At this rate you'll be broke in a month. The only thing left to do is...open a Clown College and train some regional Krustys. Krusty: You mean like that bozo, Bonko the Clown? Bill: Exactly. Krusty: Forget it. I'll just cut back on the condor egg omelettes. Mmm, a couple of those would be tasty right now. Bill: I'll found the college tomorrow. [Krusty lights a cigarette with a string of pearls]

— Endangered omelettes, "Homer the Clown"

Homer: [gasps] It must be the first of the month: new billboard day! [a car-carrying truck stops behind him] [a bunch of cars drive onto it accidentally] Driver: Heh heh heh...finders keepers. [drives off] Homer: [reading] "This year, give her English muffins." Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard! [skids off] [stops suddenly at another billboard for barbeque sauce] [cars collide behind him and explode] Homer: [reading] "Best in the West." Heh heh heh, that rhymes! [looking at the next one] "Clown college"? You can't eat that.

— Homer's billboard-judging criteria, "Homer the Clown"

Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! [leaves] Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

— "Homer the Clown"

Homer: {Hurry up! It's my first day of clown college.} Marge: {Hold still, Homer. Don't squirm!} Homer: {[squirming] I _am_ holding still. I _am_ squirming.} Bart: {Dad, you can't just go around pretending to be Krusty, it's sacrilege. He's a one-and-only. I mean, he invented the pie- fight, the pratfall, and the seltzer bottle, as far as I know.} Lisa: {Yeah, Dad, it was bad enough when you tried to pass yourself off as Tom Bosley, but Krusty?} Homer: {You weren't complaining when I got you this close to Chachi.} Bart: {[pauses] [looks at Lisa] What's a Chachi?}

— It's like a hibachi, only funnier, "Homer the Clown"

Krusty: All right, now there can only be one Krusty in each territory, so I hope this works out. Tell me where you're from. Man 1: Georgia. Texan 1: Texas. Texan 2: Uh, Brooklyn. Man 2: Russia. Man 3: New Hampshire. Homer: Homer.

— Homer from Bonerland, "Homer the Clown"

Krusty: OK, we'll start off with the baggy -- wha? [sees Homer] Those are supposed to be baggy pants. Baggy! Homer: Ooh. I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life. [back in the classroom] Krusty: OK, memorize these funny place names: Walla Walla. Keokuk. Cucamonga. Seattle -- Homer: [laughs] Stop it, you're killing me! [laughs more] Seattle. Krusty: [groans]

— The trials of teaching Homer, "Homer the Clown"

Krusty: And now, everybody's favorite, the Spin Cycle Fantastique trick! It's a great piece of buffoonery if you pull it off, but if you blow it, you'll look like a fool. [Homer gets on the little bike and wobbles] Homer: Steady...steady...[crashes through ramp] [back in class] Krusty: Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong! [throws pie into dowager's face; her head cracks the wall] Homer: [taking notes] Kill wealthy dowager.

— The trials of teaching Homer, part deux, "Homer the Clown"

Krusty: These Krusty brand balloons are three bucks each. But get a cheap one and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room! What's _that_ going to cost you? [to accountant] Hey, Bill, what did that cost us?

— Krusty teaches balloon animal art, "Homer the Clown"

Bart: Wow, I'm sorry I doubted you before, Dad. Lisa: If there had to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's you. Homer: Thanks, honey. Bank shot! [bounces seltzer off Bart's cheek and onto Lisa] Lisa: Wow! That's good aim, Dad. Homer: Well, it _was_ my major.

— With a minor in dirty limericks, "Homer the Clown"

Krusty: Welcome to the noble family of skilled Krustaceans. You will now go back to your home towns and do kids' parties, swap meets, and all the other piddling crap I wouldn't touch with a ten foot clown pole. Now, come and get your catskins -- er, I mean, sheepskins. [everyone lines up] [Krusty hands out the first one] [he shakes the man's hand and shocks him with a joy buzzer] Man: [walking up] This is the happiest day of my li -- ow! Krusty: Heh heh. Homer: [grabs his diploma] Got it! No shock for me, hee hee! [runs off] Krusty: Oh yeah? [Krusty pounces on him and shocks him repeatedly]

— Those goofy clown graduations, "Homer the Clown"

Emcee: And now, to help introduce our fantastic new burger -- the one with ketchup -- here he is, coming in by parachute: Krusty the Klown! [sound of Homer yelling, getting rapidly louder] [he smashes through the hamburger display; his parachute floats gently after him] Homer: [dazed] [laughs like Krusty] Children: Yay! Homer: [reading monotonically] "To audience: I now proclaim this new burger...for sale!" Children: Yay! Homer: [sees emcee motioning, laughs like Krusty] [Homer does some inept cartwheels] Oh...save me. Children: Yay! [a midget in a prison outfit and mask walks out] Child: It's the Krusty Burglar! Homer: Ohmigod! He's stealing all the burglars! Why you little -- [jumps Krusty Burglar, starts pummeling him] Emcee: Oh, Homer, it -- it's all -- it -- it's all j -- jus -- just an act! Child: [crying] Stop! Stop, he's already dead. [two men drag Homer off] Emcee: Er, Krusty the Klown, everybody! [a few children clap; the rest are too horrified] Burglar: Please look at my Medic Alert bracelet...

— The dedication that shouldn't have been, "Homer the Clown"

Homer: [folding a balloon incompetently] And then, take that...and... put that in there, and you...ah! There's your giraffe, little girl. Ralph: I'm a boy! Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up. Milhouse: Well, I guess you're pretty impressed, huh, Bart? _My_ Dad got Krusty the Klown to personally appear at my party. Bart: Ehh, I have a feeling I could get him to appear at my house. Milhouse: Ho ho, I don't know, Bart. My Dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory.

— A big salted wheel, that is, "Homer the Clown"

Lenny: Hey: nice threads. Homer: Whew, I'm beat. And after work I've got to dedicate a new Jiffy Lube and cohost the Ace Awards. Lenny: Wow! Jiffy Lube! Carl: Boy, you're really running yourself ragged. Homer: Yeah. When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown. I tell you, it's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.

— Clowning breeds cynicism, "Homer the Clown"

Dick: Well, my time's almost up here, so, uh, I'd just like to say...I know Woody Allen. [a couple of people clap halfheartedly] Homer: And now the winner for the most promising new series on cable: "Old Starsky and Hutches". [funky music starts] Announcer: Accepting the award is the son of the guy who played Huggy Bear. [after the show] Dick: Let's walk and talk. I, uh, I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way. Homer: Er, can't, I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo. Dick: Hey, me too. We can go together. Homer: Um...no, I'm going a different way than you, Dick. Dick: Heh heh, your...churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho and -- Homer: Look, you're going to be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it.

— Homer does the Ace Awards, "Homer the Clown"

Homer: Aw, being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I've leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business. [a siren sounds behind him] Aw, no. Wiggum: [getting out of his car] Well, well, well, Velocity Boy, I'm going to give you the biggest ticket you -- hey! Krusty! Homer: I'm not Krusty. Wiggum: Oh, to think I was going to give _you_ a ticket. Krusty the Klown. Homer: [annoyed] I am _not_ Krusty! Wiggum: Hey Krusty, Krusty, remember the time we got loaded and set those beavers loose in that pine furniture store? [laughs] Ah, memories. [rips ticket up] All right, you take it easy, Krusty. [drives off] Homer: Hey, he didn't give me a ticket! This is an intriguing development...

— Intriguing, indeed, "Homer the Clown"

Homer: [gasps] You mean I get five percent off on everything in the store just because I look like -- I mean, just because I _am_ Krusty the Klown? Apu: How could I charge full price to the man whose lust for filthy magazines kept me in business during that first shaky year? [quietly] Oh, by the way, here is your new issue of "Gigantic Asses". [holds up magazine with a large butt on it]

— The upside of mistaken identities, "Homer the Clown"

Homer: I'm telling you Marge, this will work. They'll think I'm Krusty and give us free stuff. I've been getting free stuff all day! Look at this swell bucket of house paint. [holds one up] Look at it! Marge: I'm not saying it won't work, I'm just saying it's dishonest. Homer: Well if we agree, then why are we arguing? [they walk into the restaurant] Luigi: Hey, Krusty! Hey, ooh, beautiful date-a tonight, huh? And such-a lovely children you have-a now. Bart: I'm more striking than lovely. Luigi: You come-a with me -- come-a with Luigi! You don't want to sit with the rest of these-a scum. Everyone: Hey! What do you call that? etc. Luigi: I only-a consider you scum compared-a to Krusty. Everyone: Ah! Oh, well, right. I can see that, etc. Luigi: Yeah, you see how you scum.

— Homer (er, Krusty) takes the family for dinner, "Homer the Clown"

Bill: Let me get this straight: you took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters? Krusty: Oh, I thought the Generals were due! [TV shows a Globetrotter spinning the ball as Generals watch] He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it, take the ball. [the Globetrotter kicks it into the net behind him] That game was fixed. They were using a freakin' ladder, for gods' sakes.

— Krusty learns the Globetrotter truth the hard way, "Homer the Clown"

Tony: I am afraid the time has come for you to pay us. Krusty: Look, I'm cleaned out. Just take the Clown College. Tony: We have already taken it. [at the college] Man: Kids have a lot of money these days. So after you finish your performance, you might consider robbing them. Krusty: Look, what did I tell you? You can't get blood from a turnip. You want to kill me? Go ahead and kill me. [someone starts firing at him] Oh! Hey! Hey, all right, OK, already! [firing stops] Look, we can talk this over. Tony: No more talk. It is time for us to take you for a ride. Krusty: Oh, no...mind if I go to the bathroom first? Tony: I see no harm in that. [Krusty runs off, slams the bathroom door] [a window slides open; a car speeds away; a plane flies overhead] Legs: When he's done in there, I gotta go.

— "Homer the Clown"

Tony: OK, wherever Krusty's gone, we'll find him. Legs, you check out the East Side. Louie, Rome and Budapest. Tell the boys I want a total world search. Legs+Louie: Right, boss. Homer: [at a car dealer] I want a free car because I'm Krusty. Krusty the Klown? Get it? Krus -- [honks horn] -- ty! [honk] [Tony's car skids to a halt] Tony: Cancel the world search. Homer: I want everything that's coming to Krusty the Klown. Which is me, Krusty! Louie: [behind a fence with a rifle] Hey! It's Krusty, all right. Should I shoot him gangland-style or execution-style? Tony: Listen to your heart. Salesman: Well I can't _give_ you the car, Krusty, but I _can_ let you have this little number for practically nothing: only $38,000. [bullets hit the car] Homer: [suspicious] Hey, what are all these holes? Salesman: [quickly] These are speed holes. They make the car go faster. Homer: Oh, yeah. Speed holes! [bullets riddle the car and smash the windshield] Salesman: You want my advice? I think you should buy this car.

— Instant depreciation, "Homer the Clown"

Doctor: Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you. [hands him a mirror] Krusty: Aah! I look exactly the same, you moron! Doctor: Ho ho, nonsense, Krusty: you look at least ten years younger! Plus, I did your breasts. Krusty: Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts? Oh, what's the use? I gotta go back to Springfield and face the music. Can you loan me bus fair? [the doctor stuffs a bill in Krusty's new cleavage] [offended] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

— "Homer the Clown"

Ned: Whatcha diddely-doin', neighbor? Homer: Aw, putting speed holes in my car. Makes it go faster. Ned: Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders-mobile could use some -- [a shot rings out] aah! [Ned collapses] [he gets up slowly] Wow! Lucky I always keep a bible close to my heart -- [boom!] aah! [Ned collapses] [he gets up] Ho ho, lucky I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. I think I'll go inside. [a shot hits Homer's pick axe] Homer: What keeps doing that? Tony: I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Let's just grab him!

— Louie the henchman, not the marksman, "Homer the Clown"

Homer: But wait...you can't kill me for being Krusty the Klown. I'm not him...I'm Homer Simpson! Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club? Homer: Uh, actually, my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumbel. Legs: The same Barney Gumbel who keeps taking picture of my sister? Homer: Uh, actually, my _real_ name is, uh -- think, Krusty, think! -- Joe Valachi! Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about Organized Crime? [later] Homer: Benedict Arnold! Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British? Homer: D'oh!

— Homer "Fletch" Simpson, "Homer the Clown"

Vittorio: I am so glad I had a chance to meet you before we did this, Krusty, because I am a great fan. [holds out hand] Don Vittorio DiMaggio. Homer: [sadly] Krusty the Klown. Vittorio: Sorry I have to do this, Krusty. [pulls a gun] [points it at Homer, cocks trigger] I cannot do it. To murder a funny man of such genius would be a crime. Ah, tell you what, Krusty: do for me my favorite trick where you ride the little bike for me through the loop, and I will let you live. Homer: Oh, but I've never been able to do that -- [trigger is cocked] Hey, how about if I just squirt you in the face with my boutoniere? [trigger cocks more] OK.

— The power of persuasion, "Homer the Clown"

Vittorio: The fact that you did not do the trick well is the biggest insult of all -- [cocks gun] Krusty: [bursting in] Hey guys, I came to -- oh, you've got a deadly game of cat and mouse going. I'll come back. Legs: [gasps] I'm seeing double here: four Krustys! Homer: Krusty! Oh thanks, thanks a lot. You came here to save me! Krusty: [slowly] Yeah, that's what I did. Vittorio: My apologies to you. I almost made a grievous error. [cocks gun at Krusty] Goodbye, Krusty. Krusty: Wait: he can't kill anybody if he doesn't know which one is the real Krusty. [grabs Homer by the head and plays the shell game with himself and Homer] Vittorio: I am confused. Homer: Heh heh. Good one, Krusty. [Vittorio cocks the gun at Krusty] Krusty: Oh, crap.

— That's putting it mildly, "Homer the Clown"

Italians: Yay, Krustys! [applauding] Vittorio: Grazie, grazie. You have a brought great joy to this old Italian stereotype. Legs: No, no, Don Vittorio, you're not -- Vittorio: Yes, I am, I know it, I am. Anyway, thank you, Krusty. Krusty: You're welcome. So, uh, we're even now, huh? Vittorio: No, we just won't kill you. But you still owe us the money. [ominous] $48. Krusty: [hands him a bill] Here's $50. Vittorio: And two your change, and we thank you.

— Come again!, "Homer the Clown"

Bart: Go, toothpaste, go! Move your pasty white butt. Lisa: Come on, shampoo! You can do it! [both swirl down the sink, shampoo first] Yay! I won your stupid bathroom products race. Bart: No fair! You only won because you had the inside track. If the water was spinning the other way -- Lisa: It _never_ spins the other way. In the Northern hemisphere, water always drains counterclockwise. It's called the Coriolis Effect. Bart: No way. Water doesn't obey your _rules_: it goes where it wants...like me, babe. Lisa: Yes, _Bart_...why don't you try it and see? [Bart turns the tap on; water swirls counterclockwise] Bart: I _know_ I've seen it go the other way. Ah, faithful toilet: you'll prove me right. [flushes it repeatedly; groans as it swirls counterclockwise] Homer: [elsewhere] I'm a singin' in the show --! Ow! Hot...aah! Cold! Oh! Hot! Cold! Hot! Oh! Who's...doing...that? Marge: [walking into upstairs bathroom, seeing Bart pushing the water the other way] Oh, for Pete's sake, Bart, use the plunger!

— Marge, uncharacteristically, misinterprets Bart's behavior, "Bart vs. Australia"

Bart: Hello, Southern hemisphere? Which way does the water go in your toilet? Man 1: [sighs] Just a minute, I'll check. [walks into bathroom; toilet water is frozen] Man 2: [walking in with a magazine] Aw, nuts.

— Bart checks with Antarctica, "Bart vs. Australia"

Aide: Please to repeat again and I will translating for the el presidente. Bart: [slowly] Which way does the water turn in your toilet? Aide: [in Spanish] He says the tide is turning! Presidente: Ay, caramba! Then the rebels will soon take the capital. I must flee! [dives out window]

— Bart checks with Argentina, "Bart vs. Australia"

Bart: I can't get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere. [tries another number] [a phone rings in a car in a foreign country] Adolf: Eine minuten, eine minuten! [ringing stops] Ach! Das facken phone ist ein...nuisance phone! Man: [riding by on penny farthing bicycle] Buenos notches, mein fuehrer. Adolf: Ja, Ja.

— Bart checks with Argentina, "Bart vs. Australia"

Lisa: [walking in] Bart, you can't actually _call_ these places. Don't you know how expensive international calls are? Bart: [dials] Hello, Operator? I'd like to make a collect call to [in Australia, a phone rings; a koala electrocutes itself] Operator: This is the international operator. Will you accept a collect call from -- Bart: [lowering voice] Uh, yes. Uh, ahem, this is Dr. Bart Simpson of the International Drainage Commission. It's an emergency. Tobias: If it's an emergency, then. Bart: We understand some drains in your area have been malfunctioning, sucking in people and...whatnot. Tobias: Willikers! That's awful. Bart: [gravely] Indeed. We need you to check your sinks and toilets and tell us which way the water is going, and please! Stand clear. [Tobias checks sink and toilet] Tobias: [breathless] The fixtures...they're all draining clockwise, Sir! Bart: D'oh, she was right, stupid Lisa science queen.

— Bart forgets his sisters' mental superiority, "Bart vs. Australia"

Bart: Look, why don't you just check your neighbor's drains? I'll hold. [Tobias rides trike off down long dirt road] Milhouse: [at the window] Hey, Bart! The bakery caught fire and all of downtown smells like cookies! Wanna go smell? Bart: Yes...yes, I do. [leaves phone off hook] [later that night, Bart walks back into the kitchen] ["Hello! Sir! Sir!" is heard from phone, still off the hook] Bart: [picking up phone] Huh? Tobias: I've returned from the Koolamuggerys' place...they're draining clockwise too! Bart: Draining? I don't care about that any more. Tobias: Are we in any dang -- [Bart hangs up]

— Short Attention Span Simpson, "Bart vs. Australia"

Homer: Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places? Brain: Quiet, it might be you! I can't remember. Homer: Naw, I'm going to ask Marge. Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins. [Homer scribbles a check, then sighs with pleasure]

— Bart's tomfoolery is paid for once again, "Bart vs. Australia"

Bruno: Nine hundred dollary-doos? Tobias! Did you accept a six hour collect call from the States? Tobias: It was an emergency call from the International Drainage Commission in Springfield. Bruno: Oh my God! There's nothing wrong with the bidet, is there?

— A fate worse than death, "Bart vs. Australia"

Bart: [sleepy] Hello? Bruno: Right! I'm calling all the way from Squatter's Crog, Australia and I want to speak to, er, Dr. Bart Simpson right now. Bart: Uh...[plugs nose] hold, please. Bruno: All right, but I don't -- Bart: [low voice] Payroll, Bert Stanton speaking. Bruno: Oy! I said "Bart Simpson". What kind of a company is this? Bart: [high voice] Bart Simpson's office. Bruno: Thank the great good Lord. Look, I was just say -- Bart: One moment please. [hums "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head"] Bruno: Who do they think I am, some stupid Aussie drongo? Bleedin' yanks, I oughta -- Bart: This is Bart Simpson. Can I help you, ma'am? Bruno: Yeah, er -- hey! My name is Bruno Drundridge, right? You owe me $900, mate. Bart: No, you owe _me_ $900! Bruno: [stammers] I...you...ooh! You're just some punk kid, aren't you? Ooh, you picked the wrong guy to tangle with here, mate. Bart: [chuckles] I don't think so. You're all the way in Australia. Hey! I think I hear a dingo eating your baby. [hangs up]

— Bart cries in the dark, "Bart vs. Australia"

Bruno: Ooh! Ah, that's it. I'm going to report this to me member of parliament. [yells out window] Hey, Gus! I got something to report to you. [Gus tends his swine] Gus: That's a bloody outrage, it is! I want to take this all the way to the Prime Minister. [they go down to a lake] Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy! Andy: [floating naked on an inner tube with a beer] Eh, mates! What's the good word?

— The Australian governmental structure, "Bart vs. Australia"

Lisa: Hey, I need that! [grabs her saxophone] [looks at letters in garbage] Office of the Solicitor General? Office of the Prime Minister? Hopping Mad Collection Agency? What is all this stuff? Bart: Nothing. Some stupid country thinks I owe them money. Lisa: Uh oh. Bart, you better talk to Mom and Dad about this. Bart: [walking into TV room] Hey, guys? Just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia. Homer: [scoffs] That's no reason to block the TV. Marge: Oh my...

— Homer, to the point as usual, "Bart vs. Australia"

Marge: Bart, did you trick an Australian boy into accepting a $900 collect call? Bart: Yes, 'm. Homer: [looking at globe] Hmm, there it is: Aus-tra-li-a. I'll be damned. [spins globe, laughs] Look at this country! ["Uruguay"] U-R-Gay. [laughs]

— Homer, phonetic reader, "Bart vs. Australia"

Conover: Oh, my. Hello, I'm Evan Conover with the US State Department. [hands Marge his card] Marge: [reading] "Undersecretary for International Protocol: Brat and Punk Division." Conover: Unfortunately, Bart, your little escapade could not have come at a worse time. [sets up screen] Americo-Australianian relations are at an all-time low. [talks over a slide show] As I'm sure you remember, in the late 1980s the US experienced a short-lived infatuation with Australian culture. For some bizarre reason, the Aussies thought this would be a permanent thing. Of course, it wasn't. [a slide shows "Yahoo Serious Festival"] Lisa: I know those words, but that sign makes no sense. Conover: Anyway, the Down Under fad fizzled and the diplomatic climate turned absolutely frosty. [a slide shows Castro in crosshairs: "Cuba Plan B"] Oops, let's pretend we didn't see this. [swallows slide]

— The US takes an unsavory route? No, "Bart vs. Australia"

Conover: And Bart's childish taunting agitated the Aussies further. Homer: Oh, he'll agitate you. Ho, ho! He sure will. [laughs heartily, then less so, then sighs] What can we do for you? Conover: Well, it's too late to merely pay back the money, but as a sign of good faith to our Australian friends, we'd like to imprison Bart for five years. Homer: [thinks briefly] That's tough but fair. Boy, go with the man. Marge: [holds Bart to her] No, no, no! No! I'm not going to have my son go to jail over some silly tiff with Australia. You'll just have to find some other country to have relations with. Conover: You're sure, now? The prison train is sailing. [Marge hugs Bart tighter] OK, I'm not hearing a lot of support for prison.

— "Bart vs. Australia"

Conover: There _is_ one other option: they'll drop the charges if Bart makes a public apology in Australia. Homer: All Bart has to do is apologize and we get a free trip to Australia? Conover: Mm, hmm. Bart: I can handle that: I'm an expert at phony apologies. Marge: [reproachful] Bart! Bart: [with phony sincerity] I'm sorry. Marge: That's better. Bart: Heh heh heh...

— Bart, master of deceit, "Bart vs. Australia"

Homer: Oh. We left at 1:30pm Monday. What time is it now? Lisa: It's 6:45am next Wednesday. You may also be interested to know that it's summer here, not winter. Homer: Oh! [throws his sled away] Bart: What does that sign say? ["Advisory: foreign florae and faunae prohibited!"] I thought they spoke English here! Lisa: It says you can't bring in outside plants or animals. Any foreign creature you bring in could upset the environmental balance. Bart: Oh. [removes toad from bag] Sorry, girl. I don't want to get into any more trouble down here. I'll pick you up on the way home. [puts it on the edge of a fountain]

— Bart, ecosystem havoc-wreaker, "Bart vs. Australia"

Homer: Hey! Are you like one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything? [makes noises and faces at him] [gets punched in the face] Ow! Marine: No, Sir! US Marine Corps, Sir!

— Hello, Joker, "Bart vs. Australia"

Homer: Oh, yeah, this is the life! Boy, next summer can you commit some fraud in Orlando, Florida? Bart: I'm way ahead of you, Dad. Conover: [walking in] Kno-ock! Simpsons, I'd like you to meet our ambassador, the honorable Avril Ward. Ward: Hello. Now, everything is all set for Bart's apology. Mr. Conover will meet you at the parliament house at three p.m. Questions? Bart: Yeah, do the toilets go backwards in here? Ward: No. To combat homesickness, we've installed a device that makes them swirl the correct American way. [he flushes the toilet] [it swirls one way, then a machine kicks in and makes it swirl the other way] Homer: [singing] Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing...[weeps]

— A moment of patriotism, "Bart vs. Australia"

Bart: Hey, G.I.Joe: your sign's broken. We're already in Australia. Marine: Actually, Sir, the embassy is considered American soil, Sir! Homer: Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia...[hops over the line] Now I'm in America...Australia! America! Bart: I get it, Dad. Homer: Australia! America! Marge: Homer, that's enough! Homer: Australia! America! [gets punched] Ow! Marine: Here in America we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!

— Laying down the law, "Bart vs. Australia"

Marge: "Australia was originally founded as a settlement for British convicts"! Oh, Lisa, watch your camera. [Lisa turns around to see a group of people reaching for it; they back off sheepishly and turn to another tourist]

— Criminals, the lot of them, "Bart vs. Australia"

[Bart flicks a pocket knife open and closed repeatedly] Man: You call that a knife? _This_ is a knife. Bart: That's not a knife, that's a spoon. Man: All right, all right, you win, heh. I see you've played Knifey-Spooney before. Homer: [to bartender] Hey! Give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about. [bartender puts a huge beer in front of him] Bartender: Something wrong, yank? Homer: No. It's pretty big...I guess. Marge: I'll just have a cup of coffee. Bartender: Beer, it is. Marge: No, I said "coffee". Bartender: "Beer"? Marge: [slowly] Coff-ee. Bartender: Be-er? Marge: C -- O -- Bartender: B -- E --

— Selective hearing, "Bart vs. Australia"

Marge: We'll meet you boys back here for dinner. Good luck, honey. [kisses Bart] Lisa: Bart, I'm sorry I'm going to miss your public humiliation, but the Wolumbaloo Dirt Monument is just too exciting to pass up!

— Bart prepares to apologize, "Bart vs. Australia"

Andy: Hear ye, hear ye. This session will now come to order. With the cooperation of the US Department of State, we have present today one Bart Simpson. [everyone mutters amongst themselves] I believe he has something to say. Bart? Bart: [goes to microphone, scratches, clears throat several times] I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did to your country. [everyone applauds] Andy: [jovial] Well, you're free to go, Bart...right after your additional punishment. Homer: Punishment? Andy: Well, a mere apology would be a bit empty, eh? Let the booting begin. Homer: Booting? Andy: Aw, it's just a little kick in the bum. [a man with a gigantic boot walks in] Bart: Y'uh oh.

— Little meaning big, that is, "Bart vs. Australia"

Homer: What kind of a sick country would kick someone with a giant boot? Conover: Mr. Simpson, shush! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense. It's one of their proudest traditions. [Australian flag shows a union jack, the boot, and a butt] [Bart is bent over by the Andy; the boot man winds up] Homer: You sold us out, Conover! [breaks free] [pulls boot off boot man, threatens others with it] [puts boot on, grabs Andy] Stand back, or I'll boot your Prime Minister! I'll do it, so help me God I'll boot him! When will you Australians learn? In America we _stopped_ using corporal punishment, and things have never been better! The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, "Let your children run wild and free."

— Homer mounts the soapbox, "Bart vs. Australia"

Man 1: I'll stop them! [throws a boomerang which skims Bart's hair] Oh, no! It's coming back this way! Man 2: That throwing stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us. Bart: [spying a kangaroo] Hey! We can get away in their pouches. [tries to climb in] Ew! It's not like in cartoons. Homer: Yeah, there's a lot more mucus.

— Mmm, pouch mucus, "Bart vs. Australia"

Lisa: Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right? Well I want the didgeridoo. [plays it] Marge: Mmm, that seems very noisy and expensive for a souvenir. Mmm, why don't you get this nice cap? ["Pobody's Nerfect in Australia"] It's clever...just like you. Hmm? Hmm? Owner: [sweeping a bunch of toads out] Get out, get out! Shoo, shoo. Get out of here, yuck! These bloody things are everywhere. They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bond wizard, and all over the malonga gilderchuck. Clerk: They're like kangaroos, but they're reptiles, they is. Marge: We have them in America. They're called bullfrogs. Clerk: What? That's an odd name. I'd have called them "chazzwazzers".

— Ah, the wacky Australian faunae, "Bart vs. Australia"

Marge: I can't believe our government would set up Bart like that! I'm must say, I'm very angry at the State Department right now. Ward: Yes, but Mrs. Simpson, please: we're about to reach a breakthrough with the Aussies. Conover: [on the phone] Then it's agreed: during the bargaining session, we each get two candy apples...all right, one candy and one caramel. Marge: Oh, for the love of criminy! Gimme that. [grabs phone] Look, I know Bart did something wrong, but he's my son, and _I'm_ going to punish him myself. Our countries may have their differences, but as human beings, I think we can all agree, there's no substitute for the discipline of a loving parent... [listens] He wants to talk to you. Conover: Y'ello? Mm hmm...so we're in agreement. She won't be allowed near the phone again. Marge: Mmm...

— "Bart vs. Australia"

Ward: We _did_ it! We've worked out a compromise that will allow both nations to save face. Conover: We've argued them down to...a booting. Everyone: What?! Ward: The Prime Minister just wants to kick you once, through the gate, with a regular shoe. Conover: I believe it's a wingtip. Marge: No deal! This is my son we're talking about. Sure, he's not perfect, but who is in this workaday world? Bart: Mom, wait! [he goes to look at the toilet swirling machine] It's time for me to bend over and receive my destiny.

— Bart, stoic in valor, "Bart vs. Australia"

Lisa: [weepy] Thank you, Bart. I promise I won't make fun of you later for this. Homer: [sniffs] Show 'em what American butts are made of, Son. [the Prime Minister shines his shoe] [Bart bends over in front of him, on the other side of the gate] Andy: That's it, lad: this is for the Commonwealth of Australia. [winds up; Bart moves out of the way just in time] Bart: And _this_ is for the United States of America! [moons them: "Don't tread on me" is written on his butt] [hums "The Star Spangled Banner" while waving it at them]

— Patriotic until the last, "Bart vs. Australia"

Marge: I'm glad you're OK, honey, but I wish you'd chosen a more tasteful way to be patriotic. Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

— In the aftermath of the mooning, "Bart vs. Australia"

Homer: Hey, do we get to land on an aircraft carrier? Pilot: No, Sir, the closest vessel in the USS Walter Mondale. It's a laundry ship. They'll take you the rest of the way. [shot shows frogs destroying all the crops] Homer: Hey, look! Those frogs are eating all their crops. [everyone starts laughing] Lisa: Well, that's what happens when you introduce foreign species into an ecosystem that can't handle them. [everyone laughs more] [a lone koala holds onto the helicopter with determination]

— Imminent koala infestation of the US predicted, "Bart vs. Australia"

Moe: [sniffing a cigar] Ah, this place is going to smell classy all week. Barney: To Homer, the Wall Street genius! [everyone claps as Homer bows] [Homer lights a cigar with a $1, then puts out the flame and puts it back in his wallet] Lenny: Hey, Homer! How come you've got money to burn? Or singe, anyway? Carl: Yeah, Homer, what's your secret investment? Homer: Take a guess. Barney: Uh, pumpkins? Homer: [pause] Yeah, that's right, Barney. This year, I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October and I got a feeling they're going to peak right around January. Then, bang! That's when I'll cash in. Barney: To Homer, and to Sergeant Pepper, who's growing out of the middle of your back. Moe: Uh, Barn, you gotta unwrap the plastic before you smoke those.

— Moe, carcinogen expert, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Broker: Homer, you knuckle-beak, I told you a hundred times: you've got to sell your pumpkin futures before Hallowe'en! Before! Homer: All right, let's not panic: I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

— Homer confuses internal organs, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Homer: Oh, how am I going to tell Marge we're broke? I need a miracle... [sees smoke leaking from under the front door] [gasps] My house is on fire. Woo hoo! Insurance to the rescue. [walks in, sees Patty and Selma smoking] Patty+Selma: Hello, Homer. Homer: Marge, we had a deal: your sisters don't come here after 6:00 and I stop eating your lipstick. [wipes some furtively off his teeth] Marge: This is a special occasion. Patty and Selma just got promoted at the DMV! Selma: Yeah, Homer: let your wife have a glimpse of success for once. Homer: All right, that's the last straw: time to take out the trash! But first, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

— Homer's veiled threats, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Marge: I'm sorry: Homer doesn't mean to be rude, he's just a very complicated man. [Homer appears at the bedroom window, breaks a plate over his head] Homer: Wrong! Selma: When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge? Patty: Granted, you got some kids out of him, but when the seed have been planted, you throw away the envelope. Marge: I wish you wouldn't put Homer down like that. He may not be a big success like you, but I can always count on him to provide for the family. Homer: [overhearing] Oh, sweet, trusting Marge, I can't let you down. [holds up overdue mortgage notice] I'll get some money somehow. [dials phone 5774623] Hello, Vegas? Give me 100 bucks on red... D'oh! All right, I'll send you a check.

— The Vegas Gamb-L-Phone, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Homer: If only I could think of an invention...something that would really make money. Must concentrate and work harder than I've ever worked -- [falls asleep] [in his dream, a conference table of executives applaud] Man: Congratulations, Mr. Simpson. This invention of yours has made us all rich, especially you. It's simply yet ingenious, and it fits right in the palm of your hand. Every person in America now owns one of these, and in many cases, three or four. Homer: [reaching for the man's palm] Uh, could I just get a look at that? Man: Ha ha! Why would you need to see it? You're the genius that invented the product in question. Homer: But, uh, could I just -- Man: Now don't worry, you'll get to see it just as soon as we unveil our new ad campaign. [a screen projects a hand closed around something] [everyone stands up and blocks Homer's view] Homer: Lemme see, lemme see! Out of the way!

— Not even in his dreams, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

[Marge appears in the dream, then awakens Homer] Marge: Homer! Homer, wake up! There's still a few minutes till our usual bedtime. Homer: Oh, my invention! All our money problems could have been -- Marge: Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble? [Homer imagines Marge dressed like a queen] Homer: Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. [Lisa walks up; Homer imagines her differently] And Lisa, my little princess. [Bart walks up] And who could forget dear Ratboy? Bart: Ratboy? I resent that. [gnaws on doorframe] Marge: Bart, I told you before, stop gnawing on the drywall.

— Bart's teeth-dulling tactics, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding -- Milhouse: It is a gorgeously fabulous day -- marvelous, even. Bart: So, uh...what's your hurry to get to school? [slows down] Milhouse: [coy] Nothing...what's _your_ hurry? [slows down more] [Bart stops walking] That's enough, Bart. Fun is fun, but if we're late we're going to get in trouble. Bart: You're right, Milhouse: fun _is_ fun. [whistles]

— Bart, nonchalant idler, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Skinner: [over PA] Attention, students. It's time once again to choose a gym class for the coming term so let's all prove how adult we can be by filing to the gym in a calm and orderly manner...even though it's first come, first serve, and the most popular sports fill up fast. [a mass hysteria takes over as everyone rushes to the gym] Willy: [getting trampled] Aah! Too many wee ones. Richard: This gets uglier every year! Any sign of Bart and Milhouse? Lewis: No...and if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them. Ralph: [at "tethered swimming"] I don't feel right.

— I don't think he means Eliot, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Milhouse: Do you hear that, Bart? That was the tardy bell. Truant! Truant! Truant, they'll all say! [runs off screaming] Bart: Aw, who needs him? I can have fun all by myself. [makes a puppet with his hand] Bart: [high voice] S'all right? Puppet: [low voice] S'all right. Bart: S'all right? Puppet: S'all right. Bart: S'all right? Puppet: S'all right. [Bart laughs to himself]

— New Bedlam, here he comes, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Moe: Sure, Homer, I can loan you all the money you need. However, since you have no collateral, I'm going to have to break your legs in advance. Homer: Gosh, Moe, I use these all the time. Couldn't you just bash my head in? Moe: Hey, hey: are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works? [grabs a sledgehammer] Now let's do this thing.

— Moe, the real Wall Street genius, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Bart: Oh, no, it's PE signup day! Lisa: How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library. Milhouse: Better sign up for something fast, man. Baseball just filled up -- oof! [gets kicked] Nelson: So did Tae Kwon Do.

— Thanks for the demo, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Skinner: Heh heh, there's only one class left, but it happens to be the coolest one of all. Bart: Ballet? Dancing is for girls. Skinner: Well, you should have gotten here earlier.

— Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badass Revenge, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Homer: Er, I need another extension on my mortgage payments. Manager: I understand that Mr. Simpson, but according to our computer, your credit history is not good. It says here that you've been predeclined for every major credit card. It also says that you once grabbed a dog by the hind legs and pushed him around like a vacuum cleaner. Homer: That was in the third grade! Manager: Yeah, well, it all goes on your permanent record. I'm sorry, but if you don't come up with that money by tomorrow, the bank is going to take your house. Homer: Well, good luck finding it, because I'm going to take the numbers off tonight! Manager: Well, we'll look for the house with no numbers. Homer: Then I'll take off the numbers on my neighbor's house. Manager: So, well then we'll look for the house _next_ to the house with no numbers. Homer: [thinks for a bit] All right, you'll get your money.

— Homer loses the loan extension tete-a-tete, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Homer: You're my last, last chance: bottom-of-the-barrel, hail-mary, long-shot, wish-you-would-do-it-but-probably-won't final resort to lend me money. Selma: We'll take care of you. Patty: Yes, care. [they laugh evilly] [Homer starts laughing too; he continues long after they stop] Patty: Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here!

— Patty's patience limit, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Homer: What a wonderful dinner. What a beautiful family! Someone get a picture of me with my arm around this steak. Lisa: You're certainly in a good mood tonight, Dad. Homer: Well, Lisa, I managed to solve a little problem today, and to celebrate, I'm going to tilt my chair. [does so] Mmm, slanty. [a grumbling is heard] Marge: Patty! Selma! What are you doing here? Patty: We thought we'd stop by unexpectedly for dinner. Selma: Now bring us some extra chairs like a good blubber-in-law. Homer: Time to fertilize the lawn; a couple of 500 pound bags should do it! [grabs them by the neck] Marge: Homer! Be careful of my sisters' heads: their necks are brittle. Patty: That's OK, Marge: nothing's broke...except Homer. Homer: [gasps] Marge: What's that supposed to mean? Patty: It means -- Homer: [stuffing their heads against his armpits] It means these two fabulous babes are staying for dinner. Selma: [gasping] Now there's a stink I could have done without.

— Homer's secret shame almost slips out, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Marge: This has been such a nice peaceful dinner. It calls for a celebration. I'm going to make the most international coffee in the house: Montreal Morn. [leaves] Homer: All right, you had your fun, now get lost. Patty: Oh ho, our fun hasn't begin yet. Homer: Huh? [Selma holds out mortgage IOU paper] Selma: We know something you don't want Marge to know. Now, we own you like Siegfried owns Roy. Marge: I'm sorry, all we have is Nescafe. I'm very, very sorry. Patty: Oh Marge, Marge: you're just in time. Homer's getting ready to give us a foot rub. Marge: You are? Homer: No! I -- uh...I'm giving them a foot massage. At least let me have that. Patty: [holding leg out] You can start with the corns. Selma: [holding leg out] Then you can move on to bunion country.

— It's a big country, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Bart: OK...steady, Bart. Taking ballet doesn't make you any less of a man. [opens the door; all the little girls point and laugh] Teacher: All right, girls, today we learn the dance of the Faerie Queens. You can either be a faerie, or a queen. It's wide open. Bart: [groans] Teacher: Ah! And what have we here? A young man maybe who thinks he can be the next Baryshnikov? Bart: [surly] I don't want to be the next _anything_. I'm only taking this stupid class because they made me. Teacher: So, he has fire in the belly! But it will take more than bellyfire to be the next Baryshnikov. Bart: Look, Boris, I think ballet's for sissies. Teacher: Ha ha ha! Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined, but for the sissies, never! Now, put on this fuchiatard: you are a faerie.

— In the most masculine sense of the word, that is, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Lenny: Quitting time! Carl: Let's go, Homer. On the way home, we're stopping at Moe's for a Zima. Homer: Er, maybe I'll just stay and work overtime. My sisters-in-law are at my house again. Carl: Homer, quit wallowing in self-pity. Pull yourself together and come get drunk with us.

— On Zima? Surely you jest, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Teacher: Is something wrong, Mr. Simpson? Bart: I don't like wearing tights, ma'am. Teacher: But so many of your heroes wear tights: Batman, for example, and...Magellan. Bart: Look, I don't like this cootie platoon and I never well. I'm out of here, and I'm out of this stupid outfit. [struggles to take it off; struggles turn graceful] Wait! Joy of movement increasing. Love of dance impossible to resist. [the other girls gasp with delight] Toes twinkling...look at me, girls! I'm doing ballet...and I love it!

— At least he's not wizzing with the door open, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Patty: Hmm...am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here? Homer: Request permission to slink by. Patty: Permission pending. First...light our cigarettes. Homer: But you're already smoking cig -- [they stub them and take new ones, clearing their throats] You're really pushing it. Selma: Come on, Homer: you can't spell "obsequious" without I-O-U. Homer: I'll have to trust you on that. Patty: Well, Marge was always a good speller...let's ask her. Homer: No! Don't tell Marge. I'll be good, I'll be good! [lights their cigarettes, then tries to light the IOU] Patty: Tut tut tut! Just for that, you have to crawl around on the floor like the dog you are. Homer: [stammers] Yes, ma'am. [gets on all fours] [the twins laugh] Patty: Now say, "I am Homer Simpson, the lowly dog" -- in a dog's voice. Homer: I am Homer Simpson... Patty: Good, good. Jump, Homer, jump!

— No end to the humiliation, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Marge: [walking in] What's going on in here? Homer: [in a dog's voice still] Absolutely nothing, Marge! Marge: What's that paper? Homer: What paper? [reaches for it] [it floats up and lands on top of the light] Marge: [gasps] Homer! Is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters? Homer: I don't know, Marge, I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings. Patty: He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns. Homer: [gasps] You told! [tosses Patty out] [tosses Marge out accidentally, runs out to get her] Sorry, Marge. [tosses Selma out] I never want to see you again! You either. Marge: Homer...Homer, why didn't you tell me? Homer: [ashen] I was ashamed, Marge. I've failed you as a husband and a provider...and at best, I was a B+ dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight. [goes to bedroom]

— The truth comes out, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Lisa: How's Dad today? Marge: Not too good, Lisa. Frankly, he's underneath the table. Homer: Nobody make me any breakfast. A man so deeply in debt doesn't deserve it. Marge: But I like to make you breakfast! Homer: Oh, in that case I'll just have French toast with double butter and a side of bacon...but no powdered sugar, I don't deserve it. Well, maybe a little powdered sugar.

— The powdered sugar scale of shame, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Bart: See that? I started to do, like, a little arabesque, but then I just fully went for it and pulled off the demi-entrechat. Not that I'm into that kind of thing -- [drinks a Tab] Teacher: Bravissimo, Bart! Next week, class gives its first recital, and you, you will dance the male lead! Bart: Dance in front of the whole school? What is it with you and ballet? Teacher: I have know you have great conflict, Bart: you love ballet, yet you fear the boys will laugh at you, no? Bart: No, I fear the girls will laugh at me. I fear the boys will beat the living snot out of me.

— As opposed to the dead snot, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Lisa: Hey, Dad. Whatcha doin'? Homer: Daddy has very important work to do. He's looking through the want ads to find a part-time job. Lisa: Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival. Homer: Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine. Oh, I'll never pay off that debt! [on TV] Announcer: Need money fast? Got no experience? Step up...to elegance! Become a limo driver at Classy Joe's. Homer: That's it! I'll make money with a chauffeur job. Good thing you turned on that TV, Lisa. Lisa: I didn't turn it on, I thought _you_ turned it on. Homer: No. Well, anyway, turn it off. Lisa: It _is_ off.

— Enter "Twilight Zone" theme, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Skinner: You're going to have to work hard to win this crowd over. Most of them are here as part of detention. Bart: Pretty big crowd. Skinner: Mm hmm. We've even bussed in troublemakers from other schools. Bart: [gulps apprehensively]

— Detention punishments worse than death, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Lisa: That spiky-haired masked dancer is really something. I wonder who he is? Jimbo: He's graceful, yet masculine. So it's OK for me to enjoy this. Nelson: {[philosophically] This reminds me of the movie "Fame", and to a lesser extent, the TV series, which was also called "Fame".}

— Bart wows his fellow students, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Homer: Oh, wow! I can't believe my very first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks! I _love_ that movie "Young Frankenstein"... scared the hell out of me. Brooks: Um...thanks. Homer: Hey! Let's do that 2000-pound man thing. I'll be that Carl Reiner guy, and you be what's-his-face. Brooks: [chuckles] Homer, it's not that easy. It takes the genius of Carl Reiner and the rhythm and timing that only he and I -- Homer: [as Reiner] Sir, today every country has a national anthem. Did they have national anthems 2000 years ago? Brooks: [Yiddish voice] Sure. Sure, we had. Of course, we was caves... but every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget that my cave's national anthem was -- Homer: What was that...national anthem? Brooks: [singing] Let 'em all go to hell/except Cave 76 --

— It's happening again!, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Brooks: [Yiddish voice] What's with the sir -- [normal voice] What's with the siren? Wiggum: Evening, Simpson. You got a short and your taillight started blinking when you made that turn. Let's see your chauffer's license. Homer: Chauffeur's license, eh? Mel, buckle your borscht belt! [floors it] Wiggum: Um, since you're trying to make a getaway in "park", I'm guessing you _don't_ have a license. Better head down to the DMV; these two broads will help you out. [shows a photo] Homer: Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Brooks: Wow. Er, officer, this man is making me a little edgy. Could you please give me a ride to the airport? Wiggum: Well hey, hey! You're Mel Brooks. Sure, I'll give you a ride. Brooks: Thank you. Wiggum: Er, on the way, we can do that, uh, 2000-dollar man thing. Brooks: Mmm... Wiggum: You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be police chief Wiggum. Brooks: Listen, why don't _you_ play Carl Reiner, and let _me_ play police chief Wiggum? I hate Carl Reiner!

— Not as much as Carl Sagan, though, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Jimbo: {[weeping] I haven't been moved like this since "The Joy Luck Club".} [Bart does a final leap; everyone oohs] Bart: [thinking] They love me; I'm accepted. I don't need this mask any more. [out loud] Behold, the masked dancer is me, Bart! [removes mask; everyone gasps] It is I who have won your acclaim. Jimbo: Bart does ballet! Kearney: He dances like girls! Nelson: Ha ha! Bart: Go ahead and laugh. But I took a chance and did something I wanted to do. And if that makes me a sissy, well, then...I guess I'm a sissy. Jimbo: [pause] He's a sissy! Let's rush him.

— So much for openness, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Jimbo: Looks like he took a pretty bad spill. Nelson: [pokes him with a stick] Well, as long as he's hurt... [they walk away] Lisa: {Bart, I am so proud of you. You've showed a sensitive side of yourself that can never be erased. From this day forward, we are kindred spirits. [kisses him, walks off]} Bart: {Why'd she just leave me here when I clearly need medical attention?}

— Ah, the mysteries of life, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Homer: Stupid driving test at the stupid DMV where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work! Sometimes I think God is teasing me...just like he teased Moses in the desert. Marge: Tested, Homer! God tested Moses. And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time. Homer: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes...yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now _that's_ sarcasm.

— Homer masters a new art form, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Patty: Well, well, well: look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license. Homer: Look, all I ask is that you be fair. Patty: Oh! Did not adjust side mirror. Minus one point. Selma: Failed to check blind spot. Minus two points. Homer: You won't be happy until my family thinks I'm a loser, will you? Patty: You _are_ a loser, Homer...and we're winners. You gotta learn that. Selma: Ooh, seat belt twisted. Minus one point. Homer: Nagging the driver. Minus ten points for you! Patty: Grazed a cone. Minus _five_ points! Homer: Being a jerk. Minus a million points!

— Did not! Did too!, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Homer: D'oh! Patty: One more wrong answer, and Homer flunks another of life's little tests. And what's this? Selma: Ooh...someone didn't fill in a circle all the way! Homer: Oh! [Patty stamps "FAIL" on it] Patty: Oho. Oh boy. Oh, that felt good. Selma: Let me try, let me try. [grunts] Oh, yeah. Oh boy. Oh that was so sweet. [they light up cigarettes]

— Vicarious pleasure, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Marge: [walking up] So, Homer, how'd you do? Homer: [glum] Well, I... Super: Ladies, please don't tell me you're smoking in a government building. Because that is _precisely_ the kind of infraction that can cost a couple of sisters their promotion. [they gasp, and stammer] Homer: [chuckles to himself] [sees Marge looking unhappy] [sighs] I'll never forgive myself for this. [grabs both cigarettes, drags] Super: Wait a minute! Those are yours, sir? Homer: [monotone] Yes. [coughs] I am in flavor country. Super: [skeptical] _Both_ of them? Homer: [hacks] It's a big country. Super: Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler. [she slaps him]

— Homer's going to invade Poland next, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Patty: Homer, um...I'm speechless. You just saved our hides. Homer: Please, on top of everything else, don't make me picture your hides! Marge: That's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters. Homer: I didn't do it for them...I did it for _you_, Marge. I'd kill for you. Please ask me to kill for you -- Marge: No, Homey. You see? You see, this is the stuff I've been telling you about that you never see! Patty: Homer...we're...sorry. Selma: If there's anything we can do to make it up -- Homer: Call off the debt? Patty: Or, say, we could let you pass your driver's test -- Homer: Call off the debt? Patty: Uh...well -- Homer: Debt's off! Let's go, Marge. [squeals away in his car]

— Exeunt Homer and Marge, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Ned: Zounds, I did thee mightily smitily! [assembled audience under "Springfield Renaissance Fair" clap] "Zounds" is a renaissance English word short for "God's wounds" but the "smitily", that's pure Flanders! Smithers: [lying on the ground] [raising his visor] Please, call a doctor. Bart: [whining] Oh, these renaissance fairs are so boring. Marge: Oh, really? Did you see the loom? [camera turns to it] I took loom in high school. [Marge hums, quickly weaves "Hi Bart, I am weaving on a loom"] Bart: [pause] Meh.

— Marge's hidden talents, "Lisa's Wedding"

Doris: Yon meat, 'tis sweet as summer's wafting breeze. Homer: Can I have some? Doris: Mine ears are only open to the pleas of those who speak ye olde English. Homer: Sweet maiden of the spit, grant now my boon, that I might sup on suckling pig this noon. Doris: Whatever.

— Homer, linguist, "Lisa's Wedding"

Homer: Oh, I've eaten eight different meats. I am a true renaissance man! [takes a huge bite] Lisa: I'll go to the first aid tent and tell them to plug in ye olde stomach pump.

— Wonderful medieval technology, "Lisa's Wedding"

[Lisa walks up] Wiggum: Alight your gaze on yonder fabled beasts of yore. [motions to chimera and manticore pictures] [inside the tent] Behold, the rarest of the rare, the mythological two-headed hound born with only one head. [a regular dog wags its tail with a bored look] Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit and the body of a rabbit. [the rabbit hops out of its pen] Oh, it's galloping away. Lisa: [chasing it] Here, bunny bunny. Here, bunny. Wiggum: [correcting her] "Here, esquilax".

— Fantastical, indeed, "Lisa's Wedding"

Woman: I've been waiting for you, Lisa. Lisa: [gasps] How did you know my name? Woman: Your nametag. ["Hi, I'm Lady Lisa"] Would you like to know your future? Lisa: Heh, sorry, I don't believe in fortune telling. I should go. Woman: What's your hurry? Bart and Maggie and Marge are at the joust, and Homer is heckling the puppet show. Lisa: [gasps] Wow, you _can_ see into the...present.

— Lisa meets the soothsayer, "Lisa's Wedding"

Woman: Now we'll see what the future holds. [turns over a card from what looks like a Tarot deck] Lisa: [gulps] The "Death" card? Woman: No, that's good: it means transition, change. Lisa: [relieved] Oh. [the woman turns over another card] Lisa: Oh, that's cute. Woman: [gasps] "The Happy Squirel"! Lisa: [timid] That's bad? Woman: Possibly. The cards are vague and mysterious.

— The science of tarot card reading, "Lisa's Wedding"