Lazarus Long

A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.

— Lazarus Long

A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other people's demands.

A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself.

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together

— Herbert Prochnow

A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.

— Victor Hugo

A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.

— Edgar A. Shoaff

A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.

— Publilius Syrus

A friend is a present you give yourself.

— Robert Louis Stevenson

A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.

— Lisa Kirk

A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.

— John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.

— John Updike

A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... water..." "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." "They're only four dollars apiece." "I need *water*." "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, and he heads off into the distance. The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."

A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.

— James Joyce, "Ulysses"

A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he was making a bolt for the door.

A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.

A man who turns green has eschewed protein.

A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.

A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man would deliberately go mad to prove his point.

— Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

— Gore Vidal

A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.

— William S. Burroughs

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

"A penny for your thoughts?" "A dollar for your death."

— The Odd Couple

A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.

A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.

A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.

— Elbert Hubbard

A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something of yours to press against my heart.

— Goethe

A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.

— George Eliot

A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.

— Miguel de Cervantes

A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.

A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.

A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.

— Antoine de Saint-Exupery

A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.

A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are worth committing.

— Samuel Butler

"...A strange enigma is man!" "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says the statistician."

— Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.

— B. Franklin

A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

A well-known friend is a treasure.

A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound." "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."

According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.

Adam was but human--this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.

Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, then at least be aseptic.

After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.

— Jean Giraudoux

After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

— P.J. O'Rourke

After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything. Just in case.

After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to sing, "Some day my prints will come."

Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.

— Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6

Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.

Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!

Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.

— from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"

Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.

— Tom Robbins

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

— Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"

All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.

— Yoda

All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.

All men have the right to wait in line.

All men profess honesty as long as they can. To believe all men honest would be folly. To believe none so is something worse.

— John Quincy Adams

All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.

All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane.

"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific."

— Jane Wagner

All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.

All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.

— Susan Sontag

All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism to live beyond its income.

— Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

— Sean O'Casey

All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with our lives."

— Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"

Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

— Charlie McCarthy

America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but I've already paid them half of it." "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"

An evil mind is a great comfort.

An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote excellence: "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."

— Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.

— Benjamin Stolberg

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.

— Henry Ford

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

— Konrad Adenauer

An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.

— Albert Camus

An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.

— Don Marquis

And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about them, aren't braced against them.

— Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"

And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez Addams -- he was good for nothing."

— Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family

And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.

And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no clothes! He is naked!"

— "The Emperor's New Clothes"

"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said he, earnestly.

— William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"

Anger is momentary madness.

— Horace

Anger kills as surely as the other vices.

Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.

— Lazarus Long

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.

— Charles McCabe

Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die?

— Charles Lindbergh

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know how to lie well.

— Samuel Butler

Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that requires a heroism which is transcendent.

— Henry Ward Beecher

Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.

— Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.

Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.

Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way -- that is not easy.

— Aristotle

"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of thought on every occasion."

— Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)

Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.

Apathy Club meeting this Friday. If you want to come, you're not invited.

"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"

Appearances often are deceiving.

— Aesop

Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen or so pencils from marking the cloth? Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do? Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.

— Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul

Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion.

— Oscar Wilde

"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."

— Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.

— Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly useful and interesting, I just had to share it. Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. 3. Some people never look at me. 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. 5. My sex life is A-okay. 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point. 12. I cannot read or write. 13. I am bored by thoughts of death. 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. 16. I am never startled by a fish. 17. My mother's uncle was a good man. 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. 19. People who break the law are wise guys. 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.

As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly useful and interesting, I just had to share it. Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 1. I think beavers work too hard. 2. I use shoe polish to excess. 3. God is love. 4. I like mannish children. 5. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. 10. Frantic screams make me nervous. 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room full of mice. 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice. 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener. 16. My eyes are always cold. 17. Cousins are not to be trusted. 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 19. I am never startled by a fish. 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.

As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.

— The Cowboy

Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.

— J.J. Gibson

Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.

— John Stuart Mill

Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.

— Stanley Walker

At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.

— Marshall Lumsden

Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways and it was always snowing.

Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.

Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.

— Socrates

Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection.

Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.

— James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"

Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.

Be independent. Insult a rich relative today.

Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.

— Wilson Mizner

Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.

— Pope St. Gregory I

Be self-reliant and your success is assured.

Be valiant, but not too venturous. Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.

— John Lyly

Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.

— Redd Foxx

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

— Addison H. Hallock

Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility goes before honour.

— Psalms 18:12

Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.

Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.

Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.

— Christina Rossetti

Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a drip under pressure.

Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.

"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way."

— Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"

BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.

Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.

Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.

Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders.

— Nietzsche

Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded to say it.

— James Russell Lowell

Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.

— W.C. Bennett

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

— Alexander Pope

Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, for he shall enjoy living.

— W.C. Bennett

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

— George Eliot

Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.

— Ralph Lewin

Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if brusque, your character.

— Jonathan Swift

Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.

But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such arrogance down.

— Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"

But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!

"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station."

But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?

— M. Proust

By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.

By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart.

— Confucius

Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!

— Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"

Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.

— Robert J. Ringer

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money?

— Ogden Nash

Character is what you are in the dark!

— Lord John Whorfin

Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth? Linus: To make others happy. Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?

Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.

— "Bugsy" Siegel

Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're leading the parade.

— Bill Battie

Clones are people two.

Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.

Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

— Clive James

Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.

— Josh Billings

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

— Albert Einstein

Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.

— Descartes, 1637

Conceit causes more conversation than wit.

— LaRouchefoucauld

Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.

— Josh Billings

Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.

— Peter de Vries

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.

Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.

— Lord Thomas Dewar

Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you fall flat on your face.

— Dr. L. Binder

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

— H. L. Mencken

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.

— H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't.

Convention is the ruler of all.

— Pindar

Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.

Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the line-up.

— Raymond Chandler

Correction does much, but encouragement does more.

— Goethe

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

Courage is grace under pressure.

Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll say it was obvious all along.

— Alan Ashley-Pitt

Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.

Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.

Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.

— Zeuxis

Dare to be naive.

— R. Buckminster Fuller

Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."

Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them.

Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!

Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.

— Bill Musselman

Delay is preferable to error.

— Thomas Jefferson

Did you know that clones never use mirrors?

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.

— Euripides