Movie Trivia

Homer: Phew! I'm back. [walks up stairs to kitchen where family eats breakfast] Aw, my loving family! Nothing's changed. [a buzzer goes off; a TV screen morphs from the floor] Ned: [on TV] Heidely-ho, slaverinos! Family: Okily dokily. Homer: Hey, what the hell is that geek Flanders doing on TV? [a siren goes off] Ned: Oh! I see by the Big Board we got a Negative Nellie in Sector Two. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask the whole family to kind of freeze and prepare for Re-Neducation. Bart: Don't you remember, Dad? Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world. Homer: D'oh!

— Apparently, Homer forgot, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Ned: [on a TV] OK, everybody, let's see some biiig smiles! [hooks descend on audience, forcing their cheeks apart] Just relax and let the hooks do their work. Homer: [to man next to him] What the hell are you smiling at?

— Same thing as you, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Ned: [on a TV] Now, in case all that smiling didn't cheer you up, there's one thing that never fails: a nice glass of warm milk, a little nap -- and a total frontal lobotomy. Moe: [slowly] It's not so bad, Homer. They...go in through your nose and...they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out. Look! [holds up a jar with a piece of brain in it] Ooh! Hello! Hello there! Who's that big man there? Who's that? Bart+Lisa: [droning] Join us, father. Marge: [droning] It's bliiiissss... Homer: Nooo!

— How to raise Homer's IQ, "Treehouse of Horror V"

[Homer gets chased by dogs] Homer: Oh no, they're gaining on me. Wait! I have an idea! [reaches into shirt, pulls out wieners] These wieners will give me the quick energy I need to escape. [eats them, pours on speed]

— Homer revolts against Re-Neducation, "Treehouse of Horror V"

[Homer arrives in the past] Homer: This time I'm not going to touch a thing. [a tyrannosaurus rex attacks him] Aah! [hopping away] Mustn't crush...mustn't kill...made it! [sits on a fish that walks out of the water] Ohh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

— Homer "Theodore" Simpson, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Homer: [walking into empty kitchen] Hey, where is everybody? [giant Lisa peeps through window, rips roof off house] Bart: Hey...there's a bug that looks like Dad. Let's kill it! Lisa: [gruff] OK.

— Ask a question..., "Treehouse of Horror V"

Homer: D'oh! I mean...hey. Bart: Good morning, Father dear. [hands him comics] Hope you're well. Lisa: Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today? Homer: Hmm, fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan...woo hoo! I hit the jackpot. [sits down] Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut? Marge: Donut? What's a donut? Homer: Aah! Aah! [pushes toaster handle, disappears] [donuts start to fall from the sky] Marge: Hmm. It's raining again.

— Donuts keep falling on my head, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Willy: You're still not in your own world, Homer! I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I -- argh! [Maggie axes him] Maggie: [James Earl Jones voice] This is indeed a disturbing universe.

— And how, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Kang: Foolish earthling...totally unprepared for the effects of time travel. [aliens laugh, then change into Sherman and Mr. Peabody] Kang: [in Sherman's voice] What happened to us, Kodos? Kodos: [in Mr. Peabody's voice] Quiet, you.

— Homer's not the only unprepared one, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Marge: Good morning, dear. Homer: What's my name? What color is the sky? What of donuts? What?! For the love of God, tell me! Marge: Homer, the sky is blue, donuts are plentiful, Friday is T.G.I.F. night on ABC. What's gotten into you? Homer: Nothing...nothing at all. Let's just eat. [everyone but Homer eats with long forked tongues] Homer: Ehh, close enough.

— A world without cutlery, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Bart: Hey everybody! Let's all turn our desks backwards before Mrs. Krabappel comes in! [everyone agrees vociferously] Bart: [laughs, looks around] Huh? [he's the only one facing backwards] Edna: All right, backwards boy, back your butt down to detention.

— Alone in crime, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Skinner: Over here, Simpson. The detention room is dangerously overcrowded so you'll be serving your time in the cafeteria. Kid: [pressed against glass] Oxygen running out -- Skinner: Yes, you should have thought of that _before_ you made that paper airplane!

— No child abuse laws, "Treehouse of Horror V"

[behind the closed kitchen door] Jimbo: It's hard for me to clean this giant pot when you keep spilling meat tenderizer all over me. [click] Oh, great, now I gotta work in the dark. [at lunch, Mr. Largo, Miss Hoover, and Mrs. Krabappel eat hamburgers] Edna: Mmm, mmm, mmm. This sandwich tastes so young and impudent, heh heh. Seymour, what's with the good grub? Skinner: Mmm, well perhaps I ought to let you folks in on a secret! Do you remember me telling Jimbo Jones that I would "make something of him" one day? Edna: [gasps] Are you saying you killed Jimbo, processed his carcass, and served him for lunch? [Skinner taps his nose] Hah! [everyone chows down with renewed vigor]

— Make something of him...literally!, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Bart: Hmm, I wonder where Jimbo is today? He should have beaten us up for our lunch money an hour ago. Uter: [cutting in line] Oh, lunch lady? Please to have another sloppy Jimbo? [to Bart] Das ist gut, nein? [chomps] Skinner: Now that's your third helping, young man, making you fat and soft...[licks lips] and tender. Er, you just cut in line, didn't you? Report to detention, Uter. Uter: For how long? Skinner: [quietly] Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do it.

— That'll take over 700 minutes, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Doris: OK, I got your German grub right here. [serves Bart, who eats, and walks away] Lisa: Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called "Uterbraten"? Skinner: [walking up in leiderhosen] Oh, relax, kids, I've got a _gut_ feeling Uter is around here somewhere. [chuckles] After all, isn't there a little _Uter_ in all of us? [chuckles] In fact, you might even say we just _ate_ Uter and he's in our _stomachs_ right now! [laughs] Wait...scratch that one.

— A little too literal, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Lisa: Mom! Mom! You've gotta help: they're cooking kids in the school cafeteria! Marge: Listen, kids: you're eight and ten years old now. I can't be fighting all your battles for you. Bart: But Mom -- Marge: No buts! You march right back to that school, look them straight in the eye, and say "Don't eat me"! Bart+Lisa: [disappointed] OK.

— A new twist on an old saying, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Willy: Hold on, kids! I'm coming to rescue the lot of you! [Skinner appears and axes him] Argh! Oh, I'm bad at this.

— Groundskeeper Willy, zero for three, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Skinner: I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes...I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts. [Skinner turns a food processor on to "gooify" and backs the children towards it] Bart: Don't worry, guys. Something _always_ comes along to save us. [Milhouse falls off the edge into the blender] Uh, nevertheless I remain confident that something will come along and save the two Simpson children...

— They're needed for continuity, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Marge: Relax, honey, you were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back with your family now where there's nothing to be afraid of...except that fog that turns people out. Bart: Huh? Homer: Uh oh, it's seeping in. Stupid cheap weatherstripping!

— The half-assed guide to weatherstripping, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Lisa: Remember, Bart -- I mean, Dances In Underwear -- we take the White Man alive. Bart: All right, Thinks Too Much: it shall be so. [elsewhere] Milhouse: Keep your eyes peeled for Injuns -- I mean, Native Americans. They're after us because we gave them those blankets infected with cooties. Ralph: I ate all my caps. [one explodes] Ouch! Bart: [appearing] Throw down your weapons and kiss the prairie, Cowdorks! [Milhouse, Lewis, Ralph do so] Milhouse: Oh, why do we have to pay this corny old game anyway? I brought my jacks...[starts playing] [gasps] I got twosies! [Nelson appears with a large gun shoots everyone] Bart: That's not fair, Nelson. They didn't have the Killmatic 3000 back then. Nelson: Hey: records from that era are spotty at best.

— The children play on a Sunday morning, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Marge: [in the distance] Bart! Lisa! Time for church! Mrs. Van Houten: [in the distance] Milhouse! Time for church. Jewish Man: [in the distance] Shlomo! Time for your violin lesson!

— The parents call their children, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: Why the crap do we have to go to church anyway? Marge: You just answered your own question with that commode mouth. Besides, you kids need to learn morals and decency and how to love your fellow man. [in church] Lovejoy: And with flaming swords, the Aromites did pierce the eyes of their fellow men and did feast on what flowed forth. Among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh...

— Mmm, free eye goo, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Lovejoy: And now my daughter Jessica, who has just returned from boarding school, will read the same passage I just read. I noticed a few of you weren't paying attention. Bart: [groans] Oh... [Jessica walks up; a heavenly light shines upon her] Bart: [gasps] Wow! There _is_ a God! [the light comes from a lighthouse outside] Man: I'm telling you the light would work better if it pointed out to sea. McAllister: Arr, shut up! I know what I'm doing. [a boat crashes in the distance] Arr, I hate the sea and everything in it.

— Blanket statements, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Mrs. Lovejoy: Bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Thank you for choosing our church. Bye-bye. Bart: [looking at Jessica] I've never felt this way about a girl before. My long search is finally over. [gulps, walks over, clears throat] [Jessica turns and smiles] Hi, I'm Bart Simpson. I was incredibly moved by your reading. I don't think God's words have _ever_ sounded so plausible. Jessica: Thanks, Art. Um, I have to go over here now. [turns away, stands there]

— Oh, the humanity, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Lisa: Don't be so hard on yourself, Bart. It's not your fault Jessica doesn't like you. Bart: Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes day in, day out for the last four years? Lisa: No, Bart. I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter and you're the devil's cabana boy.

— Bart laments Jessica's brush-off, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Teacher: [watching children draw] Good! Very good! Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels. [sees Bart, gasps] Bart Simpson? Bart: Yes, ma'am. I'd like to return to your wonderful Sunday school, please. Teacher: [nervous] Uh, but Bart, we banned you from Sunday school. You were happy, we were happy, everybody was happy -- particularly the hamster. [the hamster sees Bart and cowers]

— The hamster _is_ smarter, after all, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: I've changed my ways. _Please_ give me another chance, ma'am. Teacher: All right, Bart. The Bible _does_ teach forgiveness. Class, I want you to welcome back our prodigal son. [children look at each other: "What's prodigal mean?"] Oh, dear.

— Bart gets back into Sunday school, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: You know, the great thing about Sunday school is we're finally learning something we can use. Jessica: Yah, so true. I have to turn my chair this way now.

— Snubbed again, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: Somehow I gotta convince her I'm a good person! All right, I have to sit here and behave no matter what. Teacher: OK, class, we have a special treat today for pass-around: a replica of the slingshot David used to slay Goliath. While you kids are looking at that, I'll just busy myself in this file cabinet. [bends over]

— The worst temptation, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: Must...fight...Satan...make it...up to him...later! [manages to resist, sighs] You know, I was considering staying after school and helping teacher clean up. Jessica: [yawns] Do you ever think anything you _don't_ say?

— Three snubs lucky, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: There is just no pleasing a girl like that! [musses hair] All that unnecessary behaving...[smears dirt on himself] I'm all tense through the chestal area! I need relief. [sees "Scotchtoberfest" sign and Willy playing the bagpipes] Willy: Now the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury. [Bart ties balloons to his kilt; it lifts to reveal his shame] Willy: [seeing people look away] Ach! 'Tis no more than what God gave me, you puritan pukes!

— Bart lets loose, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: [laughs] That'll hold me. At least until I get my hands on some kind of explosives. [a tree grabs him; police with guns pop up from everywhere] Skinner: Congratulations, Simpson. You just fell for our sting and won yourself three months' detention. There's no such thing as "Scotchtoberfest". Willy: There's not? You used me, Skinner! You used me!

— The best-laid plans, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Jessica: Hi, Bart. I saw the way they set you up. That was really unfair! Bart: [groans] Oh... Jessica: Want to have dinner at my house tonight? Bart: Really? Uh, sure... Jessica: Great. [giggles] We eat at 7:00. [walks off] Bart: There's only on thing to do at a moment like this: strut. ["Stayin' Alive" starts playing]

— You can tell by the way he uses his walk..., "Bart's Girlfriend"

Homer: {I can't believe my little boy is already going on his first date. [sings] Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset... Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon... Yes, we have no bananas...[weeps]} Marge: {Oh, that's sweet Homer. Our son _is_ growing up, isn't he.} Homer: {No, it's not that. Didn't you hear? They have no bananas! They have no bananas today...[walks off crying]}

— Bart comes of age, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Mrs. Lovejoy: So, Bart, how's school going? Jessica always gets straight A's. Bart: Well, in _my_ family grades aren't that important. It's what you _learn_ that counts. Rev. Lovejoy: Six times five, what is it? Bart: Um...

— So he hasn't learned his times tables, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: Actually, numbers don't have much use in my future career: Olympic gold medal rocket sled champion! Mrs. Lovejoy: Hmm. I didn't know the rocket sled was an Olympic event. Bart: Well, no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse. [gasps from the adults] Rev. Lovejoy: Young man, explain yourself! Bart: Sorry. I have a kind of a short fuse...which some find charming! Speaking of charming, watching Fox last night, I heard a rather amusing story. This character named Martin was feeling rather...randy, and he was heard to remark -- [scene cut to Bart being kicked out] Rev. Lovejoy: Don't you _ever_ come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"! Bart: But -- but -- but -- Mrs. Lovejoy: [plugging her ears] Make him stop, make him stop!

— The dinner date goes awry, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Jessica: [walking up] You're _bad_, Bart Simpson. Bart: [plaintive] No I'm not! I'm really -- Jessica: Yes you are. You're bad...and I like it. Bart: [suave] I'm bad to the bone, honey. Jessica: Let's go find some fun. Bart: But your father said -- Jessica: [scoffs] I told the _Rev_ I was going to my room to say my prayers. Bart: Smart, beautiful..._and_ a liar! So much better than that Sarah, plain and tall. [a weeping Sarah runs away]

— "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: Excellent! You're incredible, Jessica: your throws, your catches, your spirals, and your loops -- it's like the toilet paper is an extension of your body.

— Bart and Jessica decorate a statue, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Milhouse: No way would a minister's daughter go out with _you_. Bart: Oh yeah? I'll prove it. [walks over] Hey, Jessica! Jessica: Yes? Am I supposed to know you? Bart: Jessica, we just -- oof! [Nelson belts him] Nelson: That's for besmirching an innocent girl's name!

— Nelson, honor-bound, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: [in pain] Why? Jessica: I'm sorry, Bart. You know my parents can't find out about us. And besides, if it's secret, it's even more exciting... Bart: I guess... Jessica: Hey, you want to go skateboarding? Bart: Actually, I was hoping I could sit down for just a second. Jessica: [cajoling] Come on! It'll be fun. [looks around, then kisses Bart] Bart: Wow! [stands up] Now I have the energy to do anything! [doubles over again] Just give me two minutes.

— Bart deals with Nelson's punch, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: Jessica, I think this is too steep. Jessica: Bart, you can't trust your perception at this altitude. [pushes him]

— The children go skateboarding, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart? Homer: New glasses? Marge: No...he looks like something might be disturbing him. Homer: Probably misses his old glasses. Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him. Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair. Marge: That's not what I meant. Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

— Marge's secret death-wish, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Jessica: Hi. Bart: Uh, we should get to class. Jessica: What's the hurry? Bart: We could get in trouble for being late. Jessica: Aw, you worry too much. Come on, if you stay here a while I'll let you hold my hand. [she grabs his hand, then uses it to pull the fire alarm] [laughs] Teamwork! Come on, Bart. [everyone rushes out in a panic] Willy: If I don't save the wee turtles, who will?! [kicks down door, comes out covered in turtles] Aah! Save me from the wee turtles! They were too quick for me!

— Willy, noble in pain, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Lisa: I can't believe it, Bart. I'd always thought Jessica was so sweet! Bart: She's like a Milk Dud, Lis: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside. Lisa: You gotta give her up. Bart: No no, wait: hear my plan. Put up with her for seven more years, then we'll get married. Once the first baby comes along she's bound to settle down and start treating me right. After all, I deserve it. Lisa: Bart, it's naive to think you can change a person...except maybe that boy who works in the library... [flashback to library] Ralph: Do you have, "Go, Dog, Go"? Boy: [scoffs] That's in Juvenile. This is Young Adult. [back to present] Well-read, and just a little wild. [dreamy] Ooh, if only someone could tame him... Bart: You're right, Lisa: love isn't about _fixing_ someone. I'm just going to give her up cold turkey. I'm not going to talk to her or see her -- it's over. Thanks for the advice, sis. Lisa: [sighs wistfully]

— Those library workers are the wildest, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: There. If I can just get through this many days without seeing her she should be completely out of my system. OK: day one. [circles it] Marge: Time for church, Bart! I bet your little friend Jessica will be there. Bart: D'oh!

— "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: [hears singing] Jessica! Lisa: Bart, be strong! You don't need that little hellcat. Bart: Oh, Lis: she's already drawing me to her with her beautiful siren song. [opens church door, sees Ned Flanders singing falsetto] [shudders] That's _very_ disturbing.

— But hardly surprising, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Jessica: Hey, Bart. [Bart looks away] What? What's wrong? Bart: Well, Jessica...I don't think we should hang out together any more. You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug. Homer: Oh, good. Here comes the collection plate! [puts a coupon inside] Marge: [reading it] "30 cents off Shake'N'Bake"...Homer! Homer: We can spare it, Marge! We've been blessed.

— Shake'N'Bake don't pay the bills, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Jessica: You're right about everything, Bart. [sighs] I have been too reckless. From now on, I am going to settle down. [dumps collection plate money into her purse] Bart: [gasps] Jessica! What are you doing? Jessica: Well, it takes money to start a new life. Bart: Stealing from the collection basket is really wrong! Even _I_ know that. Jessica: Fine. You just lost your cut.

— Partners in crime, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Mrs. Lovejoy: I'll just take that -- [sees empty collection plate] [gasps] Everyone turn around and look at this! Abe: What is it? A Unitarian? [everyone surrounds Bart] Bart: [thinking] Now just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand. [aloud] I -- Mrs. Lovejoy: -- took the money? Yes, we know. Moe: He confessed! Bart: OK! [jumps out window] Homer: [after a delay] Stop him! He's headed for the window!

— Closing the barn door too late, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Homer: Son, if you can look me in the eye and say you didn't take the collection money, that's all I need. Bart: [looking at him] I didn't take it. Homer: Why you little -- [strangles him] How can you look me in the eye and lie like that? Marge: Homer, stop it! I believe him. Homer: Tell me: if he didn't take the money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes? Marge: [sighs] That's what he wore to church. Homer: Oh, how convenient! Marge: Bart, honey, do you know who _did_ take the money? Bart: [pause] No. Homer: See, son? Telling the truth isn't so bad.

— Black is white, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: We gotta talk. Jessica: Listen, thanks for not turning me in. That was sweet. Bart: Well, it seems like if you really care for me, you should come forward. Jessica: Oh, don't you see? It's because I care for you that I _can't_ come forward. Bart: [thinks] That doesn't make any sense. Jessica: [petulant] All right, then I just don't feel like it, OK? Bart: Jessica, you're really beautiful, but _you_ are not very nice. Jessica: [sighs contemptulously] Duh. Bart: You know, with the way you're treating me, why _should_ I protect you? Jessica: Because, if you tell, no one will believe you. Remember I'm the sweet, perfect minister's daughter...and you're just yellow trash.

— Meta-humor galore, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Lisa: [entering treehouse] So here's where you're hiding! Bart: Yeah. This is my only refuge from the taunts and accusations of the townspeople. Jasper: [appearing at window] Thief! [Bart pulls the blind] Lisa: Bart, we can't just let her get away with this. Bart: Give it up, Lis: she's a criminal mastermind. She's got 108 IQ, she reads at a fifth grade level, and...[sighs] her hair smells like red Froot Loops. Lisa: [threatening] Yeah? Well I eat Froot Loops for breakfast.

— A dire threat, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Lovejoy: Because of last week's problems, we'll be taking certain precautions with this week's collection. Marge: We really shouldn't have let them do this; it can't be helping his self-esteem. [Bart is in a Hannibal Lecter-type contraption]

— Kids are resilient, however, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Lovejoy: Now, for our offertory reading, Lisa Simpson -- who we'll all be keeping an eye on. Lisa: I know most of you have already judged my brother guilty without any proof, but doesn't the Bible teach us, "Judge not, lest ye be judged," Reverend? Lovejoy: [sullen] I think it may be somewhere towards the back.

— Bible knowledge just like a minister should have, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Lisa: There is someone among us with a guilty conscience. After much soul-searching I decided it would be wrong of me to name names. But I urge that guilty person here, under the eyes of God, to come forward -- to confess, and save yourself from the torment of your own personal hell! Skinner: Aah! I smelled some marijuana smoke in Vietnam! Abe: I was the one who canceled "Star Trek"! Hibbert: I left my Porsche keys inside Mrs. Glick! Lisa: I am talking to the collection money thief! Only you can come forward and end this injustice. [Jessica looks around, smiling and saying nothing] Oh, what the heck: it was Jessica Lovejoy!

— So much for not naming names, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Skinner: _That's_ the collection money! Moe: [sniffs it] Oh yeah, smells like church. Lovejoy: I guess it's obvious what's happened here. Bart Simpson has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house. [everyone looks at him] Well, come on! Use your imaginations! Jessica: No, Dad. _I_ did it: it's your classic cry for attention. Lovejoy: Well, young lady, I suppose we brought you home from boarding school a little prematurely. Jessica: I was _expelled_, Dad! Remember the pipe bomb, the Glee Club brawl? Remember the school _chapel_ collection plate? [Lovejoy starts singing "Bringing in the Sheaves"] Exploding toilets ring a bell? Come on, Dad! Pay attention to me! We're going there...

— The truth comes out, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Bart: Hi Jessica. Jessica: Hi Bart. Come to watch me suffer? Bart: I just wanted to let you know that even though this was a difficult experience, I really learned a lot. I'm a little wiser, and a little less naive. Jessica: [coquettish] Well, I learned that I can make men do whatever I want. Bart: Well...don't you see, Jessica, then you really haven't learned -- Jessica: Um, would you finish scrubbing these steps with me? Bart: [enthusiastic] _Will_ I? Boy: [riding up on bike] Hey, Jessica! Jessica: Coming! [runs over to him; they ride off] Bart: Poor sucker. It's amazing what some guys will do for a pretty face! Not me, though. [sly] Wait till she sees the second- rate job I do on these stairs. [laughs to himself]

— A different kind of revenge, "Bart's Girlfriend"

Announcer: It's "Channel Six Action News." [several explosions are shown] Bart: Ah, Action News. The last place an impressionable kid can go for TV violence. Announcer: And now, here's your Action Anchor[tm], Kent Brockman. Kent: [jumping in, panting] Hello, I'm Kent Brockman! Our top stories tonight: a tremendous _explosion_ in the price of lumber, President Reagan _dyes_...his hair, plus Garry Trudeau and his new musical comedy revue. But first! Let's check the death count from the killer storm bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow. Weatherman: Well, Kent, as of now the death count is zero. But it _is_ ready to shoot right up. Kent: Oh my God. [shakes fist at heaven] Damn you snow!

— Doing what's needed for ratings, "Lisa on Ice"

Bart: All right! Snow day. No school tomorrow! [throws his schoolbook on the fire] Lisa: That doesn't mean you don't have to do your book report. What if the weatherman is wrong? Bart: Lisa, that man is a professional meteorologist. Weatherman: Kent, I'd like to remind everybody to come down and watch me at the Springfield Laff'N'Brew, and burgers and fries this Saturday. The forecast calls for a 75\% chance of hilarity! Homer: I like those odds...

— Professional barbequer too, "Lisa on Ice"

Bart: You're going to eat a blizzard of...[looks around] unseasonable warmth? Lisa: I made the snowball from the frost in our freezer! [laughs] [all the other kids around laugh] Jimbo: Nice PJs, Simpson. Did your mommy buy 'em for ya? Bart: Of course she did. Who else would have? Jimbo: [thinks] [menacing] All right, Simpson, you win _this_ round.

— I know you are, but what am I?, "Lisa on Ice"

Edna: OK, it's book report time. We'll do them alphabetically. Today it's A through M. Bart: I'm saved! I love being a S-s-s-s-simpson. Edna: Let's see, we have no A's, so let's go right to the B's. Bart? Bart: Huh? Edna: Hah! Bart: [slowly] Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't -- Skinner: [over PA] Attention, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the Principal's Office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. [to himself] Dammit, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.

— Memorial? Butthead's dead?, "Lisa on Ice"

Skinner: Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different. Test scores are at an all-time low, so I've come up with these academic alerts. [hold stack of cards] You will receive one as soon as your grades start to slip in any subject. This way your parents won't have to wait until report card time to punish you. Martin: How innovative. I like it! Kearney: Hey Dolph, take a memo on your Newton: beat up Martin. [Dolph writes "Beat up Martin" which the Newton translates as "Eat up Martha"] Bah! [throws Newton] Martin: [being bonked on the head] Ow!

— Good ol' Apple Computer, "Lisa on Ice"

Marge: Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder. Homer: Whew! That's all of 'em. [puts stack in front of Bart] And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son? Bart: Well, I _could_ use a new pair of hockey skates. Homer: Done and done. Lisa: That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out? Homer: [sitting back] Ah, the mysteries of life.

— Homerian philosophy, "Lisa on Ice"

Teacher: Tell you what, Simpson: I won't fail you if you join one of those peewee teams outside the school. Lisa: You mean those leagues where parents push their kids into vicious competition to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory? Teacher: Look, I don't need this. I inhaled my favorite whistle this morning!

— Lisa talks to her gym teacher, "Lisa on Ice"

Lisa: [sobs] Mom, this is really scary. I'm going to get my first F ever. Marge: Cheer up! So you're not good at sports: it's a very small part of life. Homer: [walking in, humming] Sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports...Marge, Bart rides up in the front seat today because he's a good guy at sports. Marge: [whispering] I think Lisa needs to feel a little special tonight. How about letting her ride up front too? [Homer looks at Bart, who shakes his head] Homer: Ehh, I tried.

— Not very hard, as usual, "Lisa on Ice"

Homer: OK son, just remember to have fun out there today. And if you lose, I'll kill you! [everyone laughs] Bart: [good-humored] Oh, Dad. Homer: [looks menacingly at Bart] Bart: [cringes]

— "Lisa on Ice"

Homer: Well, boy, you won. So I'm going to live up to my side of the agreement: here's your turtle, alive and well. Bart: [taking it] Aw, thanks, Dad. [they hug] How about some adulation from my little sister? Lisa: Wow, Bart, I'm so impressed you were able to give Milhouse a concussion.

— He didn't ask for _sincere_ adulation, "Lisa on Ice"

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such. Marge: I think women should be able to play any sport men play, but hockey is so violent and dangerous -- look at Milhouse's teeth. [open her hand] Bart: Mom, will you stop showing us those?

— Marge's darker side, "Lisa on Ice"

Lisa: I _have_ to join the team or I'll get an F that will haunt me for the rest of my life. [in the future, Lisa is being sworn in] Man: I now pronounce you President of these United -- Reporter: Stop the inauguration! I just discovered our President Elect got an F in second grade gym class! [crows gasps; Lisa is handcuffed] Man: In that case I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. [to Lisa] Don't worry, it's just a name. [Lisa and others are chased by fire-breathing monsters] Lisa: He said it was just a name! Man: What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.

— Lisa's future, "Lisa on Ice"

Homer: OK, hotshots, now that my daughter is on your team, I want to make a few things clear. Lisa: [embarrassed] Please, Dad, I'll be fine Homer: [makes negative mumbling noises at Lisa] I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different: no jokes, no taunting -- [spots Uter] [guffaws] Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? [chases Uter, laughing] Come here, you butterball. Uter: [screams] Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate!

— Uter and the chocolate explosion, "Lisa on Ice"

[Homer and Bart laugh] Marge: [covering her eyes] I can't even watch. I don't know how you two can sit her laughing at poor Lisa while she's out there probably scared to death. Homer: We're laughing _with_ her, Marge. There's a big difference. Lisa: [off-camera] Aah! [Homer and Bart burst out laughing again] [Marge looks disapprovingly at Homer] Homer: [to Marge, quickly] With her.

— Lisa's first hockey game, "Lisa on Ice"

Lisa: You really think I did OK out there, Mom? Marge: Absolutely, honey. By blocking the net, I really think you helped your team.

— Marge's trenchant insight, "Lisa on Ice"

Homer: OK, little buddy: hop in! [Bart steps forward] Ah bah! I mean my little _girl_ buddy. Lisa: That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent competitive behavior. However, I _will_ sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love. Homer: [kindly] OK, hon. [she gets in] Sucker! Competitive violence, that's why you're here! [laughs]

— Such a devious ruse, "Lisa on Ice"

Apu: We're having our best season ever. And I would like to say that it is because of teamwork...gee, who am I kidding, huh? It's all because of Lisa. Kearney: Let's hear it for Lisa! [Bart looks sullen] Milhouse: Hey Bart, if Lisa's better than you at hockey, does that mean you're going to become better than her at school? Bart: [gasps] Maybe I will, Milhouse. Maybe I will. [in class, Bart grins and puts up his hand] Edna: Who can tell me the capital of Spain? Bart Simpson? Edna: [later] The square root of 36? Bart Simpson? Edna: [later] Who freed the slaves? Bart Simpson? Edna: [later] Bart Simpson? Edna: [later] Bart Simpson? Edna: [later] Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand? You haven't had one right answer all day. Bart: Sorry.

— A for effort, however, "Lisa on Ice"

[Jimbo and Kearney restrain Bart] Nelson: [beating on Bart] This is for wasting teacher's valuable time! Lisa: [punches Jimbo, pulls his shirt half over his head] Lay off, guys! He's with me. [Kearney and Nelson back away] Jimbo: [points at Bart] It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother. Lisa: Don't worry, Bart, they won't bother you any more. [everyone points and laughs] Skinner: I hardly ever let Mother fight for me any more! [laughs] Milhouse: Sorry, Bart, I'm going to hang out with Lisa...for protection..._and_ to be seen!

— The new Simpson pants-wearer, "Lisa on Ice"

Bart: Come watch TV with me, Dad. We missed the first two episodes of "Cops", but if we hurry we can catch the last three. Homer: Aw, sorry Bart, Lisa and I are going out for a gelato. We'd ask you to come, but...you know. Bart: Oh. Marge: Bart, _I_ can spend some time with you. Bart: I don't know, Mom. Marge: Don't have a stereotypical view of me just because I'm your mother. I know: how about we play the basketball? I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but -- Bart: Ohh... {[outside, Marge dribbles with two hands]} Marge: {Watch out for the Shaq attaq! [throws the ball at Bart's face]} Bart: {Ow!} Marge: {I told you to watch out...}

— Marge O'Neal, "Lisa on Ice"

Lisa: Milhouse! Knock him down if he's in your way. Jimbo! Jimbo, go for the face! Look! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard. Hack the bone! Hack the bone! Homer: Wow...eye of the tiger, mouth of a Teamster! Just think of all the time I've wasted on _you_! [points at Bart] [realizing] Er, well, not...wasted, uh...I love you.

— Homer backpedals, "Lisa on Ice"

Marge: Let me give my special little winner a big, _big_ hug. Lisa: [tired] Ma, I think I'm all hugged out, heh...aw, one more. [Marge hugs her again] [Lisa walks into her room, turns on the light] Bart: Hello, queen Lisa. Lisa: Bart! What are you doing in my room? Bart: Lisa, certain differences -- rivalries, if you will -- have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people. But instead, I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny. [holds up stuffed rabbit in one hand, head in the other] Lisa: Bart, that was _your_ cherished childhood toy. Bart: Aah! Mr. Honeybunny! [tries to repair it, kisses it] Homer: Quiet down, Bart!

— "Lisa on Ice"

Lisa: Bart, just get outta here. Bart: Hey: it's a free country. _You_ get out. Lisa: That doesn't make sense. Bart: I know you are, but what am I? Lisa: Get out, get out!

— Sibling rivalry, "Lisa on Ice"

Bart: OK, but on my way, I'm going to be doing this: [windmills arms] If you get hit, it's your own fault. Lisa: OK, then I'm going to start kicking air like this. [kicks] And if any part of you should fill that air, [kicks] it's _your_ own fault. [they walk towards each other, then start fighting] Marge: Oh, I better go check that out. Now Homer, don't you eat this pie! Homer: OK...[Marge leaves] All right, pie, I'm just going to do this. [chomps air] And if you get eaten, it's your own fault! [walks towards pie, chomping air, and hits head on range head] Ow! Oh, my -- aw, to hell with this. [grabs pie, eats it]

— "Lisa on Ice"

Marge: Stop it, stop it, stop it! [flicks light on and off] Bart: Mom, that is _really_ annoying. Lisa: Bart started it. Bart: Uh uh, Lisa started it. Marge: I don't care _who_ started it. I don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again. We love you both: you're _not_ in competition with each other. Repeat: you are not in competition with each other. Homer: Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! [flicks light on and off] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!...

— How not to encourage your children, "Lisa on Ice"

Wiggum: All right, I'm going to make a little deal with you mugs. I'm going to let you all out to see my team play the hockey game _if_ you promise to return to your cells. Snake: Sorry, pig, we can't make that promise. Wiggum: All right...all right, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back, _but_: you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, OK? Snake: No. Wiggum: I'll take that as a yes. [turns the key, lets them out]

— The best cop in Springfield, "Lisa on Ice"

Sherri+Terri: {At seven tonight the games begin, Bart vs. Lisa: who will win? Their father's fat and their mother's thin, And Grampa Simpson reeks of gin!} Abe: {Hey! [sniffs himself] That's "Obsession" for men.}

— Perfume _does_ have a strong alcoholic component, "Lisa on Ice"

Homer: [eating] Pass ketchup. [Bart winds up, slaps it with his knife] Lisa: [catches it] You'll have to do better than that tonight, _chump_. [Bart hits relish towards her and she ducks] Homer: [catches it] I asked for ketchup! I'm eating salad here. Marge: I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in this house.

— Anti-controversy and anti-aggression, "Lisa on Ice"

Moe: Hello. Homer: Moe, what are you doing here? Moe: What? What, a bartender can't come by and say hi to his best customer? Hey, hey there, Midge. Oh, gee, I like what you've done with your hair. Marge: You caught me at a _real_ bad time, Moe. I hope you understand I'm too tense to pretend I like you. Moe: Uh, and how are the little kids doing? I mean, _really_, how are they doing? Any disabling injuries, something, say, that the gambling community might not yet know about? [grabs Bart's leg] Come here, let me see those knees. Marge: [stands up] Moe, I think you should leave. [forces him out] Moe: But Blanche, you gotta help me out here, please! I'm 64 grand in the hole! They're going to take my thumbs!

— Moe's Italian, er, Sicilian, roots, "Lisa on Ice"

Bart: Good luck tonight, _sis_. I'll try not to hurt you. Lisa: Don't worry, I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head. [pulls out a rabbit's head on a pendant] Bart: [gasps] Mr. Honeybunny! You inhuman monster. Lisa: You want a piece of me? [they start slugging each other] Apu: [pulling them apart] Hey. Hey! Stop it, stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game.

— Sound advice, "Lisa on Ice"

Homer: Now that we're all alone, Marge, admit it: you like Lisa best! Marge: No! Homer: Oh, so you're a Bart woman, are you? Marge: No! Homer: Well, you can't possibly like Maggie best. What's she ever done? Nothin' for nobody. [Maggie jumps up and catches a ketchup bottle headed for Homer's head] Marge: Homer, we can't root for one child over the other. You wouldn't like it if the kids played favorites with us. [on the ice] Bart: Hey, Mom! Look at me, Mom! Lisa: Hi, Mom! Over here! Mom! Homer: [chuckles] Hi kids!

— Just before the big game, "Lisa on Ice"

Announcer: And now, to honor America, here's Krusty the Klown. Krusty: [singing] Oh say, can you see La la la, da da light, What so proudly we yah, La la yah...oh. I shouldn't have turned down those cue cards.

— At least the flag is right-side up, "Lisa on Ice"

[on the ice, Jimbo trips Bart] Marge: He tripped my boy! I demand vengeance. I want vengeance! Announcer: Jimbo Jones, called for tripping. The penalty shot will be taken by Bart Simpson. Homer: Oh my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!

— Homer, caring parent, "Lisa on Ice"

Wiggum: Kill her, boy! Apu: Stop him dead, little girl! Bart crowd: _Kill_, Bart! _Kill_, Bart! _Kill_, Bart! Lisa crowd: Kill _Bart_! Kill _Bart_! Kill _Bart_!

— Bart takes a penalty shot, "Lisa on Ice"

Man 1: What the heck is a tie game? Man 2: Tie game? Woman 1: What the hell? Woman 2: This is outrageous! Marge: Oh, I've never been so proud of them. Homer: [weeping] They're both losers. Losers! Abe: Rip-off! Hans: We paid for blood! Wiggum: Let's tear this place apart! Abe: Good idea!

— A good-old hockey riot, "Lisa on Ice"

Snake: Those kids are, like, so sweet. [sobs] If only they had had peewee hockey when I was a lad. [sniffs] Oh well. [grabs crowbar, rips seats apart]

— Yet another lesson lost, "Lisa on Ice"

Bart: Aw, damn FDA! Why can't it all be marshmallows? Lisa: Ew! Bart, don't put the non-marshmallow pieces back in the box. They go in the trash!

— Bart eats Lucky Charms, "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: Ooh, you like sweets, kids? I know a place that's sweeter than sweetness itself. In this sweet place, earthly donuts are sour as poison -- you'd spit them out, you would! [pounds fist] I'm talking about...[pulls out tickets] the Candy Industry Trade Show! Hee hee. Lisa: How did _you_ get tickets? Homer: They hid them in every millionth Krusty Klump Bar and Krusty Klump Bar with Almonds. [flash to Homer opening all the wrappers at the Kwik-E-Mart] Apu: Hey. Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to...ask you nicely again.

— The perils of convenience store ownership, "Homer Bad Man"

Bart: Can I come to the candy show, huh, huh? Can I, can I? Huh, huh, huh? Can I? Can I? Lisa: No, me! Take me, me, me, me, me, me! Take me, me! Homer: Sorry, kids, but this is the one event I want my darling wife by my side. Marge: Oh, well thank you, Homer, but take one of the kids. Homer: Marge, they can't carry enough candy! They have puny little muscles, not big ropy ones like you. Marge: Mmm... Bart: You go, Mom, for the greater good. Lisa: For the greater good.

— Altruism in Springfield, "Homer Bad Man"

Marge: Homer, are all these pockets necessary? Homer: They wouldn't be if you were willing to sit in a hollowed-out wheelchair!

— The parents prepare for Candy Convention departure, "Homer Bad Man"

[doorbell rings] Marge: Oh, that's the babysitter. No one in town will sit for you two any more. I had to choose between a grad student at the university and a scary-looking hobo. Bart: [going to answer door] Please the hobo, please the hobo, please the hobo -- [opens it] Ashley: Hi, I'm Ashley Grant. Bart: [groaning] Oh...

— No Bart, put it down, Bart, "Homer Bad Man"

Lisa: [gasps] Ashley Grant! You gave a talk on women's issues at my school on how we don't have to be second-class citizens. Bart: [indignant] Mom! How can you leave us with this maniac? Homer: Hurry, Marge! If we get there early we can get our pictures taken with the two surviving Musketeers! [drags here] Marge: There's also a baby somewhere upstairs -- ooh! [leaves]

— No time to waste, "Homer Bad Man"

Bart: So...you're one of those "Don't call me a chick" chicks, huh? Lisa: Ehh, sorry about my unenlightened brother. He _will_ make the next few hours a living hell. Ashley: Oh, I don't know. See this, Bart? [dangles "Disembowler IV" video game cartridge] Bart: "Disembowler IV": the game where condemned criminals dig at each other with rusty hooks. Ashley: Mm hmm. Do a little housework and you can play for five minutes. Bart: No way. [turns away, but has to turn back] Argh! Yes, 'm. Ashley: See, Lisa? Males aren't hard to tame. They all follow their... video cartridges. [swings it towards wall, Bart follows and smashes his nose] Bart: Ow.

— The silicon and plastic 1990s carrot, "Homer Bad Man"

Man: [over PA] Mr. Goodbar to the front desk. The front desk is looking for Mr. Goodbar. Homer: Ooh! I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.

— Homer arrives at the Candy Convention, "Homer Bad Man"

Frink: As you can see, I have created a lemon ball so sour, it can only be safely contained in a magnetic field. The candy, known as 77X42 is -- hey! [looks in case] Where the hell's the candy? Homer: [face grossly contorted] I dunno...

— "Homer Bad Man"

Man: {Hey, sir! Try our wax lips: the candy of 1000 uses.} Homer: {[skeptical] Like what?} Man: {One, a humorous substitute for your own lips.} Homer: {Mm hmm, keep going.} Man: {Two, er...ooh, I'm needed in the basement!}

— Homer at the Wax Lips booth, "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: Ooh, gummi bears! Gummi calves' heads...gummi jaw breakers! [sees a gummi figure on a red pillow in a glass case, turning] Homer: [lustily] Ohh...[walks up] What's that? Man: [German accent] That is the rarest gummi of them all, the gummi Venus de Milo, carved by gummi artisans who were exclusively in the medium of gummi. Marge: Will you two stop saying "gummi" so much?

— Gummi jaw breakers?, "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: Must have rare gummi...[to Marge] Distract the salesman. Marge: No! I won't make a spectacle out of myself any further. [her pocket bursts, spilling candy out] [sheepish] Oh, oh. How'd they get there? [laughs] [everyone helps her pick up] Homer: Now, this is going to take all my skill...heh heh heh. [smashes glass, takes Venus de Milo; an alarm sounds] Man: Halt, halt! Homer: Run, Marge! Save the booty!

— The Candy Convention ends abruptly, "Homer Bad Man"

Bart: Hey Lis, I found a big caramel deposit at the small of her back! Lisa: [under the coat] I'm coming! [the coat bursts and deluges candy in a big pile] [Bart and Lisa fall out, laughing and cheering] Homer: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Where's my Gummi de Milo? OK, don't panic, she can't have gotten far. She has no arms. Marge: [exasperated] I'm sure it'll turn up! Take the babysitter home now. She's been sitting in the car for twenty minutes. Homer: Relax, Marge, there's plenty for her to do in there. [horn honks outside] See? She's having the time of her life.

— Bet she's flashing the headlights too, "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: So, a graduate student, huh? How come you guys can go to the moon but you can't make my shoes smell good? Ashley: I'm sorry? Homer: Aw, nobody's blaming you. Hey: could you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once. Ashley: [repulsed] Just drop me off here. [Homer stops the car; Ashley gets out] Homer: [sees Venus de Milo on Ashley's pants] [gasps] Precious Venus... [rips it off; Ashley looks back to see Homer drooling lustily] Ashley: Aah! [slams door, runs off] Homer: Thank you. [eats it]

— Not too priceless to enjoy digesting, "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: Hey kids! Lots of candy left for breakfast. [Bart and Lisa groan] Marge: Why don't we give it to some needy children then? [Bart and Lisa groan negatively, lie on candy, eat it slowly]

— The morning after the candyfest, "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: Oh no! The candy conventioneers tracked us down. [looks out window] Ashley: [outside] There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed me! Homer: Whew! For a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble. It's just the -- [realizes] D'oh!

— Homer uses all the power of his brain, "Homer Bad Man"

Crowd: Two! Four! Six! Eight! Homer's crime was very great! [pause] "Great" meaning "large" or "immense", We use it in the pejorative sense! Homer: Marge, I swear I didn't touch her. You know how bashful I am -- I can't even say the word "titmouse" without giggling like a schoolgirl. [giggles] Marge: Er, at any rate, I believe you and I think you should go outside and straighten this out. Some of their chants are very catchy and memorable.

— Who can forget "pejorative"?, "Homer Bad Man"

Ashley: You grabbed me in the car! Homer: Oh, that. No, I was just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants. Woman: Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book. [crowd boos, hisses] Homer: C'mon! I'm a decent guy. [window blows up his bathrobe, uncovering his shame] [crows boos, hisses]

— "Decent" not being the opposite of "indecent", "Homer Bad Man"

Bart: Why would anybody want to touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from! Lisa: Dad, I don't understand. What is she saying you did? Homer: Well, Lisa, remember that postcard Grampa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? Bart: Oh, yeah, _that_ was _brilliant_! Homer: That's right, we _all_ thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong: that alligator was sexually harassing that woman. Bart: And the dog in the Coppertone ad? Same deal, Dad? Homer: Well, there's kind of a grey area.

— Not in the nineties, there's not, "Homer Bad Man"

[protesters surround Homer at work] Man: Just try to push the right buttons now! Woman: We ain't crazy about nuclear power either! Smithers: [walking in] You people aren't allowed in here. [everyone stops, quiet] Homer: [sullen] It's OK, they're with me. [Smithers walks out, everyone starts to yell again]

— The Geneva protesters' convention, "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: They're ruining my whole life. Marge, please, this is where I need you the most: I'm counting on you do to something or say something to make it all better. OK...go! Marge: Homer -- Homer: [anxious] Uh huh? Marge: -- I already talked to the indignation coordinator out on the lawn today. I told her you were a decent man, but she wouldn't listen. Besides standing by you and supporting you, there isn't any more I can do. Homer: You mean...I'm on my own? I've never been on my own! Oh no...on own...on own! I need help...oh, God, help me. Help me, God! [phone rings, Homer answers it very slowly] Homer: [very slowly] Y'ello? Man: Hello, Homer. This is God...frey Jones from the TV magazine show "Rock Bottom".

— Does the first syllable count?, "Homer Bad Man"

Jones: We're aware of your problems, and, Mr. Simpson...we want to help. Homer: Mmm. I saw that report you did on Sasquatch. It was fair and even-handed. I'll do it!

— "Rock Bottom"'s laurels, "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: Ehh, someone had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on the gummi Venus, so I grabbed it off her. Oh, just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy...[moans lustfully] I just wish I had another one right now. But the most important thing is -- Jones: That was really great Mr. Simpson. We got everything we need. Homer: OK. Say, can you introduce me to the Sasquatch? I like his style.

— The interview on "Rock Bottom", "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: Hee hee! Here comes the bouncing ball of justice! Jones: Tonight on "Rock Bottom", we go undercover at a sex farm for sex hookers. Farmer: I keep telling you, I just grow sorghum here. Man: Uh huh. And where are the hookers? Farmer: [points] 'round back. [realizes] Whoops. Jones: But first: [photo of Ashley and her parents at graduation] She was a university honor student who devoted her life to kids, [slomo of Homer reaching for his car keys] until the night a grossly-overweight pervert named Homer Simpson gave her a crash course in depravity. "Babysitter and the Beast"!

— The "Rock Bottom" show, "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on [splice] her sweet [splice] can. [splice] -- o I grab her -- [splice] sweet can. [splice] Oh, just thinking about [splice] her [splice] can [splice] I just wish I had he -- [splice] sweet [splice] sweet [splice] s-s-sweet [splice] can. Jones: So, Mr. Simpson: you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? Homer: [looking lustful in a clearly-paused VCR shot] Jones: Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. [paused shot of Homer grows larger] No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! Mist -- Mr. Simpson -- nooo! Man: [quickly] Dramatization -- may not have happened.

— High-quality "Rock Bottom" journalism, "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: [fearfully] Marge? Kids? Everything's going to be just fine. No go upstairs, and pack your bags...we're going to start a new life...under the sea. [calypso music starts] [Homer dances with fish as Lisa plays a seahorse saxophone, Marge a squid harp, and Bart the xylophone clams] Homer: [eats a dancing fish, sings] Under the sea, under the sea, [eats a couple more fish] There'll be no accusations, just friendly crustaceans Under the sea! [eats a line of seahorses, grabs an escaping one] [eats a live crab as though it were a shrimp] [eats a pair of dancing fish, then a snail who tries to escape] [stands there with fish skeletons floating about] Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything: to move under the sea. It's not going to happen! Homer: Not with _that_ attitude!

— The little Homer mermaid, "Homer Bad Man"

Marge: Look, maybe this whole thing will blow over. [helicopters swoop over the house; news vans pull up] Homer: It didn't blow over, Marge. Nothing _ever_ blows over for me. [the car gets flipped by the wind from the helicopters]

— They only blow over literally, "Homer Bad Man"

Newsman: Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers. Homer: Hey -- that's a half-truth! {[changes channels to Sally Jesse Raphael]} Woman: {[weeping] I don't know Homer Simpson, I -- I never met Homer Simpson or had any contact with him, but -- [cries uncontrollably] -- I'm sorry, I can't go on.} Sally: {That's OK: your tears say more than real evidence _ever_ could.}

— "Homer Bad Man"

Announcer: Today on "Ben": mothers and runaway daughters reunited by their hatred of Homer Simpson. And here's your host, Gentle Ben. [a bear wearing a helmet with a microphone runs out] Woman 1: I just have one thing to say: let's have less Homer Simpson and more money for public schools. [smattering of applause; Ben growls] Woman 2: Ben, I have a question -- [Ben runs over to tables piled with food] Man: No, Ben, no! [Ben swats him away; men shoot tranquilizers into him]

— Nightmare daytime talk shows, "Homer Bad Man"

Announcer: And now we return to "Fox Night at the Movies": "Homer S.: Portrait of an Ass-Grabber", starring Dennis Franz. Homer: Ooh, "portrait"! Sounds classy. [looks at family, who look away] Doesn't it? [on screen, Franz laughs as he drives through a line of parking meters while the babysitter screams] [a cat cleans itself in the middle of the road] "Ashley": No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature. "Homer": I don't care. [runs it over] [crashes into some garbage bins] "Homer": Now I'm going to grab me some _sweet_. "Ashley": No, Mr. Simpson, that's sexual harassment. If you keep it up, I'll yell so loud the whole country will hear "Homer": [laughs] With a _man_ in the White house? [laughs] Not likely! [laughs more]

— Unbiased media coverage, as usual, "Homer Bad Man"

Kent: This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out...possibly because it was harassed, we don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So, let's turn it on. [screen shows blue house, orange Simpsons watching TV] Now, this technology is new to me, but...I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. [closeup of turkey] His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees -- he's literally stewing in his own juices. [in the studio] Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll: 95\% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of course, this is just a television poll which is not legally binding, unless proposition 304 passes. And we all pray it will.

— Channel Six's coverage, "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: Oh...I don't have a friend in the world. Moe: [outside] Let us through! Barney: [outside] ...Homer's true friends! Marge: Oh, _really_? Moe: Come on, let us through, you vultures! Homer: Oh, Marge, it's a miracle. Moe: How can you judge this man without talking to the people who know him best? _We_ got the real dirt on Homer Simpson, and the bidding starts at ten G's! Man 1: I bid ten G's! Man 2: Ten-five G's!

— Homer's true materialistic friends, "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: Aw, I need a hug. [everyone pauses, then hugs him] How come you guys hesitated? Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we _do_ believe in you, we really do. Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have. Homer: Oh, maybe TV _is_ right. TV's _always_ right! [walks upstairs] [Bart and Lisa hug the TV] [from upstairs] Are you hugging the TV?! Bart+Lisa: No...[kiss it]

— They just have their arms around it, "Homer Bad Man"

Letterman: And the number one reference that I am running into the ground is..."Homer Simpson"! [music starts, audience laughs] [changes channel to Chespirito who gets his butt pinched] Chespirito: Aie aie aie! Es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado! Oh! {[the flower he was smelling wilts]} Homer: {Oh, I like it better when they're making fun of people who _aren't_ me.} [gasps] I know, "Evening at the Improv". They never talk about anything beyond the 1980s. [flips] Comedian: See, I think about weird stuff. Like, what would happen if E.T. and Mr. T had a baby? Heh, well, you'd get Mr. E.T., wouldn't you? And you know, I think he'd sound a little something like this: "I pity the fool who doesn't phone home." [audience laughs] Homer: [laughs] Ooh, I wouldn't want to be Mr. T right now.

— Relief from the Homer Simpson fiasco, "Homer Bad Man"

Marge: Homer! Homer, the kids have a great idea how you can clear your name. Lisa: The media's making a monster out of you because they don't care about the truth! All they care about is entertainment. Well, _you_ need a forum where they don't even know the _meaning_ of the word "entertainment": public access television. Homer: Aw, but those shows all look so crummy. Marge: Well we could dress it up a bit...we can bring a fern, and a folding chair from the garage, and the most decorative thing of all -- the truth! [everyone looks at her]

— Marge, interior decorator, "Homer Bad Man"

Marge: There are only 49 stars on that flag. Abe: I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!

— P.S. I am not a crackpot, "Homer Bad Man"

Lisa: And now it's time for the Innocence Report with Homer Simpson. [holds sign: "Innocence Report"] Homer: Hello. I am Homer Simpson, or as some of you wags have dubbed me, Father Goose. You know, everybody believed the worst about me right away; nobody cares that I didn't do it. But I didn't! OK, look: I've done some bad things in my life, but harassing women is not one of them. [softly] Like one time, we were having this race with the stupid old tiny bicycle with the big wheel in front, so I figure, "We'll see about that!" So I get this big chunk of cinderblock, and -- Marge: [makes choking noises] Homer: Oh, gotta go. [walks off] [pops head back on] Innocent!

— Classy public access TV, "Homer Bad Man"

Lisa: Dad, you did it! I am so proud of you. Kid: The switchboards are lighting up! Everyone: Yay! Kid: Two calls: that's our best ever! [answers one] Hello? No, Janice doesn't live here...[answers other] Hello? Yes, I _am_ interested in long-distance savings! _Very_ interested.

— 1-800-PIN...aw, forget it, "Homer Bad Man"

Homer: [stirring a bowl] Aw, Marge, this is so depressing, my only hope is this homemade Prozac. [tastes it] Mmm, needs more ice cream.

— Homer's appeal to the public fails, "Homer Bad Man"

[Homer answers the door] Man: [on pennyfarthing bicycle] So, er, you don't like the old-time bikes, huh? [kicks Homer in the face, rides off] [doorbell rings again; Homer answers] Willy: Homer! I _love_ amateur video, and your show is the most amateur video I ever saw. My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in cars. I dinna come forward because in this country, it makes you look like a pervert -- but _every_ single Scottish person does it! [puts in videotape] Quimby: [on TV] Oh baby, oh yeah, oh baby -- Willy: Aw, no, that's Mayor Quimby. [fast forwards] Ah, here we go. Homer: [on TV] Precious Venus...[gargles] Ashley: Aah! [slams door, runs off] Homer: Thank you! [eats gummi Venus] Lisa: Dad, this clears you completely! Marge: You know, the courts might not work any more, but as long as everybody is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.

— A sad comment on American society, "Homer Bad Man"

Lisa: See? Ashley: Hmm. Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter said you were a decent man. I guess she was right. Homer: You're _both_ right.

— Homer's innocence, stored on video, "Homer Bad Man"

Jones: In our mad pursuit of the scoop, we members of the press sometimes...make mistakes. "Rock Bottom" would like to make the following corrections. [a list scrolls by very, very quickly] Bart: Wow! V8 juice _isn't_ one-eighth gasoline. Homer: And Ted Koppel _is_ a robot! Lisa: There's you, Dad! Everyone: Yay! Jones: Tomorrow, on "Rock Bottom": [slomo of Willy walking into Godfrey's office] he's a foreigner who takes perverted videos of you when you least expect it. He's "Rowdy Roddy Peeper"... Homer: Oh, that man is _sick_! Marge: Groundskeeper Willy saved you, Homer. Homer: But listen to the music! He's evil! Marge: Hasn't this experience taught you you can't believe everything you hear? Homer: Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing. [family walks off, disgruntled] Homer: [hugs TV] Let's never fight again.

— The lesson lost, "Homer Bad Man"

Announcer: We now return to the 1971 film, "Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out", starring Troy McClure. [a multicolored VW bug is chased by police] Man: Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash? Slim: There's more than one way to get high, baby. [he floors it] [Marge, dressed seductively, snuggles with Homey] Homer: Please, Marge! How often can I see a movie of this calibre on late-night TV? Marge: Is there something wrong, Homey? Homer: No! It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye -- er, what I meant to say is, uh, we'll snuggle tomorrow sweetie. I promise.

— Homer's promises, never broken, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Bart: [bursting in] Mom! Dad! Homer+Marge: Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light! Bart: There's a UFO outside my window. Seriously! [in Bart's room] Marge: Oh, Bart, it's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree. [it dislodges and swoops towards the window] Bart: Aah! C-c-can I sleep in there with you guys tonight? Marge: No. Bart: Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat in case a UFO _does_ come? Marge: Yes, yes, yes, that's fine. Good, good. [walks out]

— Marge, always the concerned parent, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Marge: Mmm, I hope you kept the Homey-fires burning. [Homer snores] Homer... Homer: Huh? Marge: Homer, wake up! Wake up! Homer: Wha? Marge: We need to talk about the -- marital difficulties we've been having lately. Homer: Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex. Marge: I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help... how about a book? Homer: [excited] Ooh, OK! Marge: A _tasteful_ book. Homer: [unexcited] Oh, all right.

— Dear Penthouse Forum, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Homer: [looking at Kama Sutra] Hey Marge! This guy looks like Apu. Marge: Shh. I don't want people to see us looking at these books. [Bart and Lisa walk up] Bart: Hi, guys. Whatcha lookin' at? [Homer and Marge fumble books] Marge: Um...I'm just reading up on -- ["Tanks of the Third Reich"] -- artillery. Homer: Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in -- ["Mapplethorpe"] -- aah!

— At the book store, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Marge: This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty. It's a book on tape by Paul Harvey, you know, that nice midwestern man on the radio who's like a pleasant version of Grampa? Homer: Ooh! "Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American." Lisa: Mom! Dad! Look, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only 99c. And I found the new Al Gore book. [holds it up] Marge: "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow." Lisa: Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future". Bart: I'm getting this book on UFOs. ["Unidentified Flying Outrage!"] Did you know they're real, but there's a huge government conspiracy to cover it up? Lisa: Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy. [the man runs Lisa's book over the scanner] [a signal travels down through the scanner, over wires, to a satellite dish, up to a satellite, and down to the Pentagon] [a man in uniform grabs a printout and dashes off to the White House] Officer: Mr. Vice President! Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir. Al Gore: Well, this calls for a celebration. [puts on a Kool 'n' the Gang record: "Celebrate good times... "] I will.

— Celebrating sanely for a sensible tomorrow, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Harvey: Hello, Americans, Paul Harvey here. Did you know every good American is at heart an erotic American? It's true. A famous couple -- I don't need to tell you it was Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower -- offered _this_ advice: "Double your pleasure with a bath...together!" [Homer sits in the bathtub, a lit candle perched nearby] Marge: [climbing in, straining] Homey, I can't quite -- Homer: Faucet's jammed into my back...I'm stuck! Marge: [grunts] So am I! Homer: [strains; dislodges faucet] Oh! [water sprays into Marge's face; a drop extinguishes the candle] Homer+Marge: Kids? Kids!

— "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Harvey: A romantic vacation can provide titillation. Sensual, sanitary seclusion awaits you at any of America's fine AAA-approved motor lodges. [they pull up to the "Aphrodite Inn"] Marge: The Arabian Nights Room looks nice. Homer: Ooh, the Pharaoh's Chamber has a vibrating sarcophagus. Manager: Er, sorry there, Fred and Ethel, you should have made a reservation. We only got one room left. Quimby: [dressed in leopard skin] The toilet is overflowing in the Caveman Room! [Marge and Homer walk past "Safari Room" and "Camelot Room"] Homer: Oh, here we are: [opens door] [lusty] the Utility Room. [it's a real utility room with two cots] Marge: This isn't very erotic. It's an actual utility room. Homer: No, honey: it's a romantic fantasy. I imagine I'm the janitor and you're...the janitor's wife, who has to live with me in the utility room. [they lie down on the cots] Manager: [walking in] Don't mind me, folks, just need to get the old wet-dry vac.

— With occasional interruptions from the motel manager, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Harvey: By now your new, improved lovelife should have you flinging woo like nobody's business. So to you, Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American, I bid...goodday. [the tape flies out the car window and onto the road] [Homer stops, backs up, and repeatedly drives over the tape]

— Paul Harvey's love advice fails, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Abe: Welcome home, Son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. [Marge walks away] What's wrong with your wife? Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand. Abe: Flu? Homer: No. Abe: Protein deficiency? Homer: No. Abe: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis? Homer: No. Abe: Unsatisfying sex life? Homer: N -- yes! But please, don't _you_ say that word! Abe: What, seeeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeex. Homer: [groans]

— Once, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Homer: You're home safe. Done my duty. See you the next time we need your signature. Abe: Aw, you never want to spend any time with me. Well I can help you with your lovin' problem: I got a home remedy that'll put the zowsers back in your trousers. [walks to sink, plugs it, starts pouring things from his medicine cabinet in] Legend has it my great grandpappy stumbled upon this recipe when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute for holy water. [bottles some] Here you g -- [sees Homer has left] Hey! [opens curtains] Here you go, you ingrate. Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life.

— Ew, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

[Homer opens the door resolutely, then unplugs the TV] [the kids, watching it, open their mouths] Homer: [quickly] Kids! Here's $50, why not go to the movies, then take a cab to your aunts' house? Stay there, phone call you later. Now, now, now! [sweeps Marge into his arms] Marge: Whoa! Homey, what's -- Homer: Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards. [carries her upstairs into bedroom, shuts door] [a train goes into a tunnel] [a rocket takes off] [hot dogs are rolled along an assembly line] [camera pulls back to show a movie screen; Bart, Lisa, and Maggie sit in the front row] Lisa: What do you think Mom and Dad are doing right now? Bart: I dunno.

— Abe's miracle love tonic does its work, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Marge: Here he is: Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. Ooh, hmm. That tonic really works -- you and Grampa should bottle it and go into business together. Homer: You want me to spend _more_ time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution? Marge: You can make a lot of money... Homer: Yeah! Where are my pants? Marge: You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again. {[outside, said pants are stuck in the Flanders' tree]} Maude: {Oh, hurry Neddy. They're awful!} Ned: {[trying to dislodge them] You just be ready with that garbage bag!}

— Pants of pollution, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Homer: Ooh, Mama! This is _finally_ really happening. After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes, I _know_ I'm gonna get Rich with _this_ scheme...and _quick_!

— The bottling business begins, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Homer: Sir! Uh, hello sir! Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife. So -- [man slugs him in the face] Ow! Oh...I guess people have some sort of _moral_ objection to our sex drug. Abe: [grabbing bottle] Lemme sell it, you idjit. [takes deep breath] Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented revitalizing toniiic. [takes deep breath] Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her-prizing, revitalizing tonic. [a large crowd has gathered; they clap and cheer]

— Abe, closet huckster, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Frink: N-hey, I doubt very highly that one elixir could boast so many fantastic properties. [drinks some; turns into a handsome man] [smooth voice] What say we am-scray outta here and have a wild wingding at the cyclotron, doctor? Mrs. Frink: [geeky] Anything you _say_, professor! Whoa...

— John Frink discovers Simpson & Son's tonic, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Mr. Van Houten: Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together...and I found something for Milhouse down at the mall, too: [hands it to him] a pup tent! Milhouse: Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard. Mr. Van Houten: Yeah! Every single night...

— The Van Houtens discover Simpson & Son's tonic, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Milhouse: What's going on? Where are all the grown-ups? Nelson: Who cares? With no adults, I _run_ this city. [pauses, looks awkward] Um...carry on. [walks off] Bart: Listen to this: [reads] "Unexplainable behavior: individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena, e.g., telephone explosions." Milhouse: Jeez...if it's in a book, it's _gotta_ be true! Bart: Scary, no? [points at author's photo] And _this_ guy's head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa! Ralph: [walking up] Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.

— The love tonic's side effects, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Abe: Hurry up! We've got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid... Homer: Great. I'm going to be stuck in the car all weekend with that wheezy windbag. [in the car] Abe: And that's what's wrong with Bart's generation. Now as for _your_ generation -- Homer: [groaning] Ohh.

— "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Abe: And for the minimal outlay of one dollar, you can take home a bottle of liquid Lothario, distilled Don Juan, catalytically- carbonated Cassanova. Lock old Rover in the shed, 'cause man has a new best friend in Simpson & Son's revitalizing tonic. Man: I'm not convinced! I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs. Abe: All question will be answered, all fears will be allayed, with one incontrovertible demonstration. May I have a volunteer from the audience? [points to Homer] Yes, _you_ sir. Now, sir, you've never seen me before, is that correct? Homer: [wooden] That is correct. Man: Well then how come his face is on the bottle? Homer: [pause] Um... Abe: [pause] Um...

— Salesmen stumpers, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

[banjo music plays] Abe: You're the worst shill I've ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine shill business. Homer: They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music! [turns radio off; banjo music stops] [pickup full of hillbillies stops and turns around]

— How to avoid being ridden out of town, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Bart: OK, it's not _painfully_ clear the adults are _definitely_ paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people. Milhouse: You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too? [he and Bart start wrestling] Lisa: Hey! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one." Bart: [condescending] So what's the simplest explanation? Lisa: I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark. Everyone: Aah! Reverse vampires! Reverse vampires! [Lisa sighs]

— "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Abe: Hey, wait a minute! That's Amos Pearson's moose farm. Make a right here. [Homer does so; they get out] Homer: Ew! Why are we stopping at this dump? Abe: That's the house you grew up in, son. Homer: Wow. Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted. Abe: Yeah, we lived here 'til the bank foreclosed in '63. Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk. Something must have spooked 'em good. [flashback to young Homer in the barn] Homer: Nah, stupid cows! Nyah, nyeah, nyeah nyeah, nyeah! [flaps tongue at them] Boo, boo, boo! Aah! Aah!

— Something, indeed, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Abe: Oh, memories! If this old place could talk, it'd say -- [pulls light cord; ceiling collapses, piles vase, chair, toaster, and tricycle on Abe's head] Homer: Heh heh heh -- [bathtub falls on him]

— Sticks and stones, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Abe: [points to old TV] There she is, the old Radiation King. You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end. [young Homer's shadow is burned into the floor and wall] [flashback to Homer watching Kennedy] Kennedy: If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with yet another flip remark. [reporters laugh, sigh] Homer: Wow. [walks into kitchen] Look at me, er, uh, Mom: I am, er, uh, President Kennedy. Mrs. Simpson: Oh, Abe: maybe our Homer could grow up to be President some day. Abe: You, President? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like you from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead! [back in the present] Abe: Quit your daydreaming, melonhead.

— The more things change..., "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Homer: Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could have been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to a great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. Abe: Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas. [in the car] Homer: Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me. Abe: That's 'cause you're a screw-up. Homer: _You're_ the screw-up! Abe: Why you little -- [strangles Homer] Homer: All right, all right. That's it: we're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic. Abe: If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident! Homer: [gasps, stops car] Get out. Abe: I'm sorry I said that. Homer: Out. Abe: I'm going to get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive away -- [Homer skids off] Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. [that night, Abe still stands there] Dang.

— The painful truth comes out, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Marge: Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life. Homer: Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident...he didn't want to have me. Marge: You didn't want to have Bart. Homer: I know, but you're never supposed to _tell_ the child. Marge: You tell Bart all the time! You told him this morning. Homer: [plaintive] But when I do it, it's cute.

— Double parenting standards, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Bart: So finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with the adults. Milhouse? Milhouse: [steps up to blackboard] Ahem. OK, here's what we've got: the Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people -- Bart: Thank you. Milhouse: -- under the supervision of the reverse vampires -- Lisa: [sighs] Milhouse: -- are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner. [sotto voce] We're through the looking glass, here, people...

— A conspiracy theory Oliver Stone would be proud of, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

[Bart eats a candy bar] Homer: Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolatey -- put it away, boy! -- situation. And your daddy has realized something very important: a father should always make his kids feel wanted. Starting right now I promise to spend a lot more time with you and give you the attention you deserve. [gets up, hugs Bart and Lisa really tight so they can hardly breathe]

— Homer's contract with his kids, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Abe: And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood, the son that puts the fun in Simpson & Son, my son, Barney! Barney: [walks out from behind a curtain] I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. [belches] Man: That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas. [HS] Abe: I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem. Barney: Oh -- [collapses]

— Oh, well that's OK, then, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Homer: I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing! Lisa: No, Dad, I want to get down. This tire is filthy and the steel belts are poking me. Homer: [pushing her] Whee! Whee! Lisa: Nooo! Nooo! Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting. Homer: But I'm using my whole ass. Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary. Homer: [sighs] Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've got to go somewhere and do some serious thinking. [gets into car, drives off] Bart: I'm sure he meant to say, "serious drinking". Lisa: That's what I assumed.

— His kids know him well, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Homer: Dad! Abe: Son! Homer: I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house. Abe: No, I'm a screw-up. _I_ burned down our house. Homer: You know what? Abe: What? Homer: We're _both_ screw-ups. Abe: It doesn't matter. What matters is, you were right when you told me I never said anything nice about you. Homer: [fearful] So...are you going to say something nice now? Abe: Well I hadn't thought _that_ far ahead. [pause] Oh, OK, here it goes: I'm not sorry I had you, son. I was always proud...that you weren't a short man. Homer: Aw, Dad! [they hug as the house roof caves in] Abe: What do you say we roll on the grass, Son? Homer: I'm with you, Dad. [they roll around, shouting, trying to extinguish the flames on their clothes]

— All's well that ends well, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Lenny: Hey, Moe...you got change for a five? Moe: Yeah, sure thing Lenny. [opens cash register] [a cobra pops out and bites him repeatedly] A snake in the cash register! [everyone laughs] Great prank, fellas, great prank. Oh, I'm gonna be sick tonight. Barney: Hey Moe, you want to smell my flower? Moe: _Do_ I?! [walks over] [Barney holds a lighter under Moe's chest] Ooh! I'm burning up here. Ooh! [everyone laughs] Aw, taking advantage of my alcohol-soaked clothes. Ho, ho, it's funny _and_ it makes you think. Oh, I need some coffee before I pass out. Homer, pass me the sugar. Homer: [unscrewing lid] This is going to be great! [Moe pours sugar in his cup; a whole lot comes out] Barney: Oh, jeez. Moe: Aw, there's sugar all over the bar now. Lenny: That's not funny, Homer. Barney: Yeah! We were just messing around, and you had to go too far.

— The subtleties of pranks, "Fear of Flying"

Moe: How many people want Homer banned from this place for life? Everyone: Yeah! Homer: Aw, come on, everybody. This bar is like a tavern to me. Moe: Sorry, Homer, you should have thought of that before you gave me the old sugar-me-do. I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore [does so] and I'm taking your favorite song out of the juke box. Homer: [gasps] "It's Raining Men"? Moe: Yeah, not no more it ain't. [tosses it out like a frisbee] [it hits Smithers, who's driving a car] Smithers: Ow! [checks title] Ooh! [Homer gets tossed out] Homer: Oh. Heh heh heh, joke's on them: I'm still alive.

— Homer "Eddie Vedder" Simpson, "Fear of Flying"

Bart: Cheer up, Homer. Homer: Can't. Bart: [happily] OK. Marge: What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh? Homer: I'm not going to dignify that with an answer. Lisa: Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"? Homer: Yes! Cris-atunity.

— Something like that, anyway, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: You're right. I've been wasting my life away in that dump for years. That's it! I'm going to find a _new_ bar to drink in, and I'm going to get drunker than I've ever been in my entire life! Bart! Where's my wallet? Bart: [pulling it from his own pocket] Right here, Dad! Homer: Thank you!

— Homer gives up Moe's Tavern, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: Wow, classy. Maitre D': Good evening, sir. Would you please leave without a fuss right now? Homer: [meek] OK.

— Homer's search for a new bar begins, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: Ooh, this looks like a nice friendly place. Carla: Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins on the same night you're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowing. Sam: OK, Carla, I'll make you a bet: if this affects my major league comeback, I'll sell my bar. Norm: Woody...gimme a beer. Woody: I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home any more. Norm: Just gimme another beer, you brain-dead hick! [grabs wine bottle, smashes it, holds it by the neck] I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Cliff: [restraining him] Whoa, settle down, Normy. Gotta save those pipes for Karaoke. Homer: [gasps] Whoa! [runs out] Norm: I love you guys...[weeps]

— You wanna go where everybody knows their character, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: Wait a minute...there's something bothering me about this place. [looks around] I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your death trap, ladies. [leaves] Woman: What was her problem?

— Homer at the "She-She Club", "Fear of Flying"

Guy: Greetings, good men. Might I trouble you for a drink? Moe: Oh, get out of here, Homer. Guy: Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito. [he gets beaten up and tossed out, unconscious] Homer: [walks up, looks at Guy] [gasps] Oh my God! This man is my exact double. [gasps] Oh my God! That dog has a puffy tail! [he chases it, giggling] Here, Puff! Here, Puff!

— A great moment passes Homer by, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: The last bar in Springfield...if they don't let me in here, I'm going to have to quit drinking! Homer's liver: Yay! Homer: Shut up, liver! [punches it] Ow! My liver hurts... [walks in] I'd like a beer, please. Bartender: Uh, sorry, you gotta be a pilot to drink in here. Homer: Um, but I _am_ a pilot. Bartender: Where's your uniform? Homer: Um...I stowed it safely in the overhead compartment. Bartender: Well, you talk the talk. Here's a loaner. [gives him a uniform]

— Homer in "The Little Black Box", "Fear of Flying"

Man: We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City? [pilots all go, "Oh, I'll go!", "Me", "I'm your man", etc.] Man: Conditions are a little windy. [pilots all go, "Well", "I dunno", "Never mind", etc.] Man: [to Homer] You! Homer: [now dressed as a pilot] But I -- Man: Hey...you're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are you? Homer: Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here. Man: [laughs] You fly boys, you crack me up. Homer: [being pushed into the cockpit] But I keep telling you I'm not a pilot! Man: And I keep telling you you fly boys crack me up!

— "Fear of Flying"

Alan: Hi, I'm Alan. I'm your copilot. Homer: Uh, yeah, uh, hmm. Er, uh, as a change of pace, I'm going to let you do most of the work. I think you're ready for it, Alan. [Alan makes a face] And, um, I'll just get us started. [flips a switch randomly] Alan: Uh, we'll need that to live. [Homer flips another switch; the wheels retract and the plane smashes into the runway]

— Homer, involuntary pilot, "Fear of Flying"

Official: If word gets out about this, Krazy Klown Airlines will be a laughingstock. In exchange for your silence, I'm prepared to offer your family free tickets to anywhere in the United States. Excluding Alaska and Hawaii, the freak states. Homer: Woo hoo! [at home] Good news, everybody! Because I endangered lives, we can fly anywhere we want! Bart: Alaska! Lisa: Hawaii!

— Well, _almost_ anywhere, "Fear of Flying"

Marge: Er, I don't know, Homer. We're right in the middle of the busy housekeeping season. Homer: But Marge, you deserve a vacation. It's a chance for you to clean up after us in a whole other state! Marge: I don't want to be a wet blanket, but getting on a plane like that seems like a hassle coupled with a burden. Homer: Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero...I want to _live_, Marge! Won't you let me _live_? Won't you please?!

— Passionate pleas, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: So, Marge, pretty sweet, eh? Marge: Hmm. Oh, I forgot to clean the lint basket in the dryer. If someone broke into the house and did laundry, it could start a fire. [a baby starts crying] Bart: Oh, great. I specifically asked not to be seated next to a baby. [camera pulls back to reveal Maggie crying] Abe: [looking out window] Wow...we must be _really_ flying high! Those people down there look all tiny and blurry...just like the inside of a cataract.

— Conversation while the plane is on the ground, "Fear of Flying"

Stewardess: [over PA] Attention passengers. Due to our policy of overselling flights, this flight has been oversold. In accordance with FAA rules, the first two people to the front will be upgraded to first class. [everyone rushes madly; Bart and Lisa climb over everyone] Stewardess: OK, you two! Lisa: Come on, Bart! They're going to pamper us! Bart: [gasps] Lisa: Not _literally_, of course. [in first class, someone fills Bart's martini glass with milk] Bart: I come for the service, [sigh] but I stay for the leg room. [Lisa roasts marshmallows over a mini-fire on her tray]

— "Fear of Flying"

Marge: [panicked] I think I'll go get a picture of the plane taking off. [struggles with her seat belt] Homer: Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it? Marge: Homer, I've never told you this before, but I'm not a good flyer. [pants, gasps] I have to get off the plane. Let me off the plane. [stands up] I'm asking you nicely to open the doors! Homer: Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good? Marge: [screaming] Let me off let me off let me off let me off let me off let me off -- [runs up and down the aisle] [the plane takes off as the family watches] Homer: It's OK, Marge. We don't need to go on a trip; we'll just wait for the killer bees to come to us.

— Homer, consoling, "Fear of Flying"

Bart: You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something... Abe: [still on the plane] Aaaaah! Homer: Ehh, I'm sure it's nothing. Lisa: Mom, are you feeling any better? Marge: Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it. Homer: Permit _me_ to solve the mystery: your mother has a fear of flying. Bart: So much for the days when I could say, "At least my _mother_'s normal." Marge: Well, everybody's got a fear of something. Homer: Not everybody. Marge: [to Homer] Sock puppets! Homer: Where?! Where?! Aah! Aah! Lisa: Mom, are you _sure_ you don't want to discuss it? Marge: Sure as sugar...[laughs awkwardly]

— No dysfunctionality here, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: Lisa, the important thing is for your mother to repress what happened. Push it deep down inside her, so she'll never annoy us again. Lisa: But if we don't encourage her to vent her feelings, they can come out in other ways. Marge: I just realized we never had a wedding for the cat and the dog... they've been living in sin! [the pets whimper]

— Not with each other, but..., "Fear of Flying"

Lisa: Mom, you've been cooking all night? Marge: [happy] Judge, jury, and executioner, all rolled into one, you are! Lisa: See, Dad, I told you Mom would have problems. Marge: No, no, honey, it's all right. Really, I'm fine, I'm all right. Mother always said, "Don't complain. Be good. Behave. Behave. Be nice. Smile. Be polite. Don't wink..." [walks out] Homer: You heard your mother's ramblings. She's fine, so behave.

— Homer, attuned to Marge's needs, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: Marge, it's 3 a.m.! Shouldn't you be baking? Marge: In a little while.

— Marge hammers shingles at night, "Fear of Flying"

Lisa: Mom, can we talk to you? Marge: Can't talk. Keeping myself in a state of catlike readiness. Lisa: Uh, neat.

— "Fear of Flying"

Lisa: Anyway, Mom, maybe you should go into therapy. Marge: No, I don't need therapy, I'm fine. And it's too expensive. Homer: And I don't believe in it! It breaks up families, turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, neighbors against me. You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist ten bucks an hour to get top-notch therapy. [at KBBL] Psychic: Hello, "Radio Psychic". You will die a terrible, terrible death. Marge: [on the phone] [gasps] Psychic: Ooh, I'm sorry! That was our last caller. OK, I'm getting something now. Hmm. OK, you will die a terrible, terrible death. Marge: But I -- DJ: Thank you for calling "Radio Psychic". Do you have a song request? Homer: [running to the phone] "It's Raining Men"!

— Homer "Waylon" Simpson, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: Now Marge, "Dear Abby" says seeing films about air travel can calm your fears. Ooh! Here are some upbeat titles: "Hero", "Fearless"..."Alive!" [at home, Marge watches them] Man 1: No thanks to the plane, many of us are still... Everyone: Alive! Man 2: [through full mouth] We certainly are. [chews] Man 3: Pass me another hunk of copilot. Lisa: Dad, Mom's getting worse. You have to take her to see a real psychiatrist. Look how tense she is! Homer: She's fine! [camera shows Marge sitting on air] Oh.

— Rigid, not tense, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: [sarcastic] All right, Lisa, you got your way. Your Mom's going to a psychiatrist. She's going to tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans. Lisa: Dad, I like picking beans with Gramma. Homer: Well, keep it up, then. Lisa: [sarcastic] OK, I will. Homer: Good. You do that. Lisa: Fine. Homer: You'll be picking many a bean. Lisa: Hope I do.

— Homer gives his kids sarcasm lessons, "Fear of Flying"

Bart: I don't believe it! Principal Skinner. Well, well, well, I never thought I'd win _this_ easy. Skinner: Hmph. This has nothing to do with you, Simpson. I have many, many issues with my beloved smother -- mother. Homer: Bart, leave that man alone with his pain and sit down. Bart: [abashed] OK. [Homer laughs at Skinner, makes crazy noises at him]

— Homer, sensitive to mental illness, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: All right, how much do you charge? Zweig: If money's a problem, I charge on a sliding scale. I can go as low as $30 an hour. Homer: Keep sliding. Marge: $30 will be fine. Homer: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa! First, what are your qualifications? Zweig: Well -- [she motions to a wall of diplomas] Homer: Oh, no. I'm not here to take a reading test. I want to see some credentials. Marge: Mph, I'm sorry, Doctor, he's just afraid you'll blame all my problems on him. Zweig: I'm not here to blame anyone. [she double-underlines "Husband" on a pad of paper]

— The first meeting with Dr. Zweig, "Fear of Flying"

Zweig: Marge, therapy can be an intense process. Marge: Uh huh... Zweig: We're going to delve deeply into your subconscious and we're not going to stop until we've exposed the root of your fear of flying. Marge: Mmm... Zweig: Don't worry. This is a private sanctuary where whatever transpires will be just between us. [Homer, dressed as a window washer, appears at the window] Marge: Huh? Zweig: Oh, that's just Murray the window washer. He comes every day at 12:00. Marge: But it's a few seconds before 12:00. [Murray drops down on Homer, knocking him off]

— Marge's first session, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: Ever since you started therapy, all you can do is talk about yourself. Well what about _me_, Marge? Marge: I just left my first session and I haven't even opened my mouth yet! Homer: You see? You see? "_I_ just left _my_ first session and _I_ haven't opened _my_ mouth yet".

— Homer traps Marge, "Fear of Flying"

Zweig: Marge, there's no simple explanation for your fear of flying. But it can probably be traced to some childhood trauma. Think back...what's the earliest memory you have of something bad happening? Marge: Hmm...that would have to be my first day of school. [flashback] Patty: They got this thing called a "fire drill". They use it to drill a flaming hole in your head. Marge: Mmm... Selma: And there's only one big toilet, and they make you all go at the same time. [laughs]

— The sensitive Bouvier twins, "Fear of Flying"

Marge: [voice over] The kids at school were even worse. [young Marge gets on the bus, sits next to a girl] Girl: [seeing her lunch pail] Ew! You like the Monkees? You _know_ they don't write their own songs. Marge: They do so! Girl: They don't even play their own instruments. Marge: No...no! Girl: That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat. Marge: Aah! [back in the present] Zweig: Kids can be so cruel. Marge: But it's true. They didn't write their own songs _or_ play their own instruments. Zweig: The Monkees weren't about music, Marge. They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval! [Marge smiles, relieved]

— Dr. Zweig does her job, "Fear of Flying"

Homer: [sullen] Did you talk about me in therapy today? Marge: I don't think so. Homer: Tell me the truth! [gasps] Don't tell her I raised my voice. [laughs nervously] Happy family, happy family...

— "Fear of Flying"

Marge: I keep having the same dream. I'm the mother from "Lost in Space". [scene shift to Marge's dream] Marge: Ready for breakfast, Dr. Smith? Homer: Oh, being stuck on this godforsaken planet has vanquished what little appetite I have. [sits down, mows down] Lisa: [as a robot] Warning. Warning. Dr. Smith refuses to do his astrochores. Homer: Why, you clattering clank of cogs and -- my fair lady, as you well know, my back is a disaster area. Oh, the pain. Oh, the pain of it all! Lisa: Danger. Danger. My hook are flailing wildly. [a rocket takes off] Marge: Wait! Wait, Daddy, please don't leave. Take me with you! [back to the office] Zweig: Marge, are you aware you just said "Please don't leave" to your daddy? Marge: No I didn't. Zweig: Yes you did. And you also infringed on any number of copyrights.

— Dr. Zweig, psychiatric lawyer, "Fear of Flying"

Zweig: Now...let's talk about your father. Marge: [hurried] Sure. OK, I'll talk about father...Father Christmas. That's what they call Santa Claus in England. They drive on the wrong side of the road there. Now _that's_ crazy. [laughs nervously] People are always saying how small England is but you couldn't fit it all in here, not by a long shot. [laughs again] You know what? I'm cured. [gets up to leave] Zweig: Marge, get back here and tell me about your father. Marge: OK. OK, but you're going to make a big deal out of this. He was a pilot. Zweig: A pilot?! This _is_ a big deal. Marge: You see?

— Self-fulfilling prophecies., "Fear of Flying"

Zweig: Er, Marge, this may not be the best time to bring this up, but, uh, your last check bounced. Marge: Wait, I'm remembering something. Zweig: Yes, Marge, there's still the matter of -- Marge: I was a little girl... [flashback to Marge holding Daddy's hand] Daddy: Goodbye, Margie. Be a good girl, now. [gets on plane] Marge: Why does Daddy have to leave? Mommy: Because he's a pilot. He flies all over the world. Marge: I want to see Daddy fly. [runs up plane steps] Mommy: Margie! No, come back! [Marge gets inside, looks around] Marge: Daddy? Daddy, where are -- Daddy: [a steward] So, who wants pre-flight cookie? Fig Newtons? Hydrox? Marge: Daddy? Aah! Daddy: Don't look at me. Don't look at me!

— The shameful truth comes out, "Fear of Flying"

Marge: [weeping] My father was a stewardess! Zweig: Marge, there's nothing to be ashamed of here. Today, male flight attendants or "stewards" are common. Marge: They are? Zweig: Yes, thanks to trailblazers like your father. You might say he was a pioneer. Marge: Yeah...you might even say he was an American hero. Zweig: Let's not go nuts.

— Too late, "Fear of Flying"