Movie Trivia

Woman: They seem to be revealing the story of your first love. Do you want me to continue? Lisa: [gulps] Guess so. Woman: [concentrating] It's coming to me...yes, I see an eastern university in the year 2010. The world has become a very different place. [in the future, many robots clatter past] [they walk past a sign saying "Wizard of Oz auditions today"] [these are followed by a scarecrow and a lion] Student: I can't wait to see that play.

— The storytelling begins, "Lisa's Wedding"

Lisa: [breathless] Hello, I need "Ecosystem of the Marsh" by Thompson. Librarian: The last copy was just signed out by...[checks computer] oh, Hugh Parkfield. Oh, there he is. [points] Lisa: No! It couldn't be. [a man holding a book turns around; it isn't Hugh] Phew! [Hugh, who had been bent over, stands up] Hugh: Thanks for holding my book while I tied my shoe. Lisa: D'oh!

— Her father's habits, "Lisa's Wedding"

Lisa: That's the book I need. You'll probably take forever with it, too. Hugh: I can read faster than you. Lisa: I read at a 78th grade level. Hugh: [opens book, slaps it on a table] Right here! [they both read frantically] Lisa: [much later] Finish this page? Hugh: Ages ago. Lisa: Grr... Hugh: I'll get the dictionary. Lisa: Why? Hugh: You'll see when you get there: the word "stochastic". Lisa: "Pertaining to a process involving a randomly-determined sequence of observations". [laughs] [they look at each other, then embrace passionately] Librarian: [looking on] Hmph. First they hate other, now all of a sudden they _love_ each other. Oh, it doesn't make any sense to me. Man: Of course not, you're a robot. [the librarian weeps; her tearduct malfunctions and her head melts]

— The improperly designed librarian, "Lisa's Wedding"

Hugh: I've never met anyone who so understood the magic of Jim Carrey. Lisa: He can make you laugh with no more than a frantic flailing of his limbs. [later, back at "Dr. & Mrs. Dre Hall"] Hugh: Mmm, I can't believe how much we have in common. We're both studying the environment, we're both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both _love_ the Rolling Stones. Lisa: Yes, not for the music, but for their tireless effort to preserve historic buildings. Hugh: Lisa, I can't _bear_ the thought of being apart from you all summer. Come back with me to Parkfield Manor. Lisa: I'd love to! Can we get vegetarian meals at your parents' house? Hugh: Yes, we can, Lisa. Lisa: _That_ is good because eating animals is wrong. Hugh: So very wrong. Lisa: When will the world learn? Hugh: [mournful] I don't know. I just don't know.

— Two crusaders against the omnivores of the world, "Lisa's Wedding"

Lisa: Beautiful dinnerware, Mrs. Parkfield. Mrs. P: Thank you, Lisa. They were made for the finest family in Britain. Mr. P: I don't know how _we_ ended up with them. Lisa: [thinking] Uh oh. Should I laugh? Was that dry British wit, or subtle self-pity? Ooh, they're staring at me, better respond. [laughs very tentatively] Mr. P: Oh, it's good to hear a boisterous American laugh! Lisa: And I love that painting. Judging by the clothes, I'd say... seventeenth century? Mrs. P: Actually, Lisa, it's just Uncle Eldred. Eldred: [fishing in an empty fishbowl] I get me brain medicine from the National Health!

— Neither dry British wit _nor_ subtle self-pity, "Lisa's Wedding"

Lisa: This place is so enchanting, Hugh. I love it here! Hugh: I wanted this to be perfect for you. I know you Americans like everything to be...fireworks. [some explode in the distance] Lisa: [gasps] Oh? [sees a sign lighting up slowly] ["Lisa, will you do me the honor of giving me your hand in the holy tradition of matrimo --" then it burns out] Hugh: Oh, blast. [speaking into his watch] Go to plan B. [a cow walks out with a hand-painted "Marry me" sign] Lisa: Yes I will! [they kiss] Man 1: Isn't it wonderful? Master Hugh has found a true love. [he and Man 2 both weep; their heads melt]

— More lousy androids, "Lisa's Wedding"

Lisa: Hi, Mom. Marge: Lisa! Hello. How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a "lift", a mile is called a "kilometer", and botulism is called "steak and kidney pie". Lisa: Guess what? Hugh and I are getting married! Marge: All right! Lisa, that's _wonderful_. If only your father were still with us...but he left for work a few minutes ago. Lisa: Mom, remember when I was little, we'd always planned my dream wedding and you always promised to...you know, well, keep Dad from ruining it? Marge: [crossing her fingers] Oh, don't worry, honey, I guarantee your father will behave. Lisa: [nonplussed] Mom, it's a picture phone. Marge: [looking at her fingers] This? This? Oh, no, I've just got a touch of the rheumatiz. Lisa: Oh. Marge: [wipes her brow] Phew! Lisa: Mom, picture phone.

— The disadvantage of technology, "Lisa's Wedding"

Bart: [on phone] Hi Mom! Oh, that's great news about Lisa. Well, listen, I better get back to work. [hangs up] Heh heh, they're finally paying me for this! [uses a crane to demolish a building] Oh yeah, ha ha!

— Bart, demolition man, "Lisa's Wedding"

Homer: [on phone] Woo hoo! Aw, Marge, that's great news. Milhouse: [walking in] Hey hey, there, with the personal calls, Simpson. Homer: Oh, uh, but Mr. Milhouse, my little girl's getting married. Milhouse: Lisa? [mournful] Oh, my one true love. [flash to teenage, acned Milhouse behind wheel of a car] Lisa: It's not you, Milhouse, I just don't plan to ever get married. [Milhouse weeps openly] [back to present] Milhouse: [threatening] I think I'll write your performance evaluation now, Simpson. [walks out]

— Milhouse, levelheaded supervisor, "Lisa's Wedding"

Homer: Oh, I gotta call everyone and tell them the good news. [picks up phone: "In use"] What the -- oh. Maggie! I need to use the phone! [upstairs, Maggie glowers] Will that girl ever shut up? OK, Marge, I'll plan everything: we can have the reception at Moe's. Wait! Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks. Marge: Homer, don't take this personally, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding. Homer: [reads documents] Well, these seem to be in order. I'll be out back in the hammock.

— Homer takes rejection well, "Lisa's Wedding"

Smithers: "Mr. Smithers plus guest"...huh. There's only one person I would want to bring. [pulls a frozen Mr. Burns from a slot in the wall] Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for seventeen stab wounds in the back. How're we doing, boys? Frink: Well, we're up to fifteen! Scientists: Yay!

— Dr. Frink's gainful new employment, "Lisa's Wedding"

Troy: {[on TV] Now turn to the next problem. If you have three Pepsis and drink one, how much more refreshed are you? You, the redhead in the Chicago school system? [a window opens up on the screen to show the girl]} Girl: {Pepsi?} Troy: {Partial credit!} Skinner: [walking in] We've been invited to the wedding of our only graduate to read at an adult level. Hoover: Mmm, it must be Lisa Simpson, because of course Martin Prince perished in that science fair explosion. [camera pans down below the earth] Martin: [dressed as The Phantom] Not quite perished, my lady love, although some days I wish I had. [starts playing "A Fifth of Beethoven" on an organ]

— A fate truly worse than death, "Lisa's Wedding"

Lisa: [to cab driver] Hey, I remember you! Mayor Quimby, right? Quimby: I, uh, er, uh, uh, no. Look at this licence: Mohammed Jafar. Otto: [on screen] Quimby, after this fare, get your indicted ass out to the convention center. Quimby: [to himself] I cut the ribbon at that convention center.

— At least he's not illiterate, "Lisa's Wedding"

Lisa: [laughing nervously] Just a couple more blocks to my house! [laughs more, then starts hyperventilating] Hugh: Lisa, darling, don't worry: I'm sure I'll get along with your family. You've so thoroughly prepared me for the worst. As long as they're not squatting in a ditch poking berries up their noses... Lisa: [breathing heavily] And if they are? Bart: [seeing them] Here they come: raise the flag! [Homer does so; it sparks as it touches something electrical] Marge: Oh, Lisa! Homer: Yo, Hugh! Here's a little bit of US hospitality: whaddaya think of _that_? [the flag is now on fire] [Hugh gasps] Lisa: Dad! Homer: Aah! [he and Bart pull it down and stomp on it] Marge: Now throw compost on it! [they do so] Homer: Whew! [hands the flag to Hugh] Er, enjoy. Hugh: Oh...[a tear forms] it's still warm. [Lisa hyperventilates some more]

— Sounds worse than the berries scenario, "Lisa's Wedding"

Homer: You can be the first to try out the new guest bedroom I built. [quietly] Remember, if the building inspector comes by, it's not a room, it's a window box. [walks out] Lisa: [hugging Hugh] Oh, Hugh, thank you. You've been just wonderful through this entire ordeal. Hugh: Lisa, I love you so much I'm willing to go through anything. [falls through the floor onto the compost heap] Lisa: [gasps] Are you OK? Hugh: [strained] I'm fine, Lisa. Fortunately, the compost heap broke my fall. Be a dear: run a bath.

— He didn't mean literally, "Lisa's Wedding"

Marge: Homer! Bart! Maggie! Company eating rules. Homer: [burps] Oh, right. [everyone eats all delicate, like] Bart: Anyway, Hugh, there's more to my life than just the wrecking ball: I also crush cars into cubes. And on the side, I promote local tough man contests. Basically, I'm getting out all my aggression 'till I go to law school. Homer: So, Hugh: have you heard all the latest American jokes? Uh... here's a good one: pull my finger! Hugh: [chuckles] Yes, we have that one in England, too, Mr. Simpson. Homer: [threatening] I said pull my finger. Lisa: [nervous] Uh, Mom? We've got my wedding dress fitting this afternoon. Maggie, if you're not doing anything, why don't you come with us? Maggie: Mmm -- Marge: Maggie! Don't talk with your mouth full. [Maggie glowers] Homer: Me and Bart will take you out on the town this afternoon. Lisa: Hugh should take it easy because of his fall. Hugh: Oh, Lisa, please, the only thing bruised in that fall was my spine. I'd be delighted. Homer: Great. There's only one thing I ask in return. Hugh: Certainly. Homer: Pull my finger!

— The first family dinner together, "Lisa's Wedding"

Homer: Hugh, there's something I want you to have. My Dad gave me his cufflinks on the day I married Marge and they brought us good luck. I couldn't imagine a happier marriage. We don't have many traditions in our family, but it would mean a lot to me if you kept this one alive. Hugh: Well I'd be honored... [opens case; cufflinks are a bride and groom pig] ...to wear those...things. Homer: Aw.

— Homer, not too perceptive, "Lisa's Wedding"

Marge: You know, Fox turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice. Yeesh! [turns TV off] Homer: Marge, it's so great to have the whole family together under one roof. I never realized how much I missed it! Listen to the murmurs in the next room...the house is full of life again. [pounds on wall] Keep it down in there! Lisa: All right, Dad! [sighs] I'm sorry I left you alone with Homer and Bart. Hugh: [weakly] No, no, honey: I had a fine time. Lisa: How did you get that gash on your forehead? Hugh: Oh, that was when we hid in the dumpster, after the fire alarm went off in the pornographic magazine warehouse. Lisa: Oh, you are so good to put up with all of this. Hugh: Oh, don't be silly, Lisa. Everything's fine, really. Now go to sleep: we have a _big_ day ahead of us tomorrow, a big, long day. [they kiss; Lisa turns over] [Hugh drums his fingers together apprehensively]

— Trouble in fiance land, "Lisa's Wedding"

Marge: Lisa, I can't _believe_ it's your wedding day already. Lisa: Mom, I feel kind of funny wearing white. I mean...Milhouse. Marge: [dismissive] Oh, Milhouse doesn't count. [they both laugh] Lisa: OK, I've got something old, that's my pearl necklace, something new is the wedding dress, something borrowed is this antique brooch from Hugh's mother...now I just need something blue. Marge: [cuts a lock of her hair] Here. Lisa: Oh, Mom, thanks. [they hug]

— Gray as a mule since seventeen, "Lisa's Wedding"

Bart: Wow, Lisa, looking at you makes me want to get married for a third time. I met a really nice exotic dancer the other night at Hugh's bachelor party. Lisa: Hugh didn't have a bachelor party. Bart: We had one in his honor. [Lisa looks glum] _I_ had one in his honor. [Lisa continues to look glum] [abashed] I went to a strip club.

— True confessions, "Lisa's Wedding"

Hugh: [sighs heavily] Well, here goes nothing. Mum, Dad...meet Homer Simpson. [they exchange pleasantries] Homer: [long pause] You know what's great about you English? "Octopussy". Man, I must have seen that movie...twice! Hugh: [weakly] Yes...yes! Well, that's not too bad.

— Preparing for the worst, "Lisa's Wedding"

Patty: {Hey, Krabappel: if you get in the way of that bouquet, I'll stuff that sunhat down your neck.} Burns: [being wheeled in] Smithers, take me home! I'm not fully defrosted. Smithers: Nonsense! Just sit down and rest for a moment. There you go. [Burns' bottom half breaks off] Burns: Ow! Smithers: Oh, no. We've got a little situation here. Burns: I can't feel anything below my cummerbund.

— The wedding guests arrive, "Lisa's Wedding"

Homer: Ooh la la! Lisa: Hi, Dad. Homer: You look great, sweetheart. Lisa: [abashed] Thanks. Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me. Lisa: Oh, Dad -- Homer: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment and you did it all yourself. You helped me understand my own wife better and taught me to be a better person, but you're also my daughter, and I don't think anybody could have had a better daughter than you -- Lisa: Dad, you're babbling. Homer: See? You're still helping me.

— The joy of children, "Lisa's Wedding"

Lisa: [noticing the cufflinks] Hey Dad, did you forget to give those cufflinks to Hugh? Homer: Uh...no. Lisa: Well? Homer: I found them on the nightstand this morning and...well, I guess they weren't his cup of tea. Don't worry about it. Lisa: But you've been going on about these all week. I'm sure he just forgot. [walks to where Hugh is preparing] Hugh: Lisa, we're not supposed to see each other before the wedding. It's tradition. Lisa: What about _my_ family's tradition? [holds up cufflinks] Hugh: Surely you don't want me to wear those? In front of my parents and their friends? Lisa: But you promised my Dad you would. Hugh: I was just humoring him, darling. Actually, he frightens me a bit. Lisa: I know they look a little silly but his feelings will be hurt if you don't wear them. Hugh: [resigned] Fine. [wears them]

— The delicate issue of the cufflinks, "Lisa's Wedding"

Hugh: I must say, you were right. This has been quite trying. You know, I've attempted to enjoy your family on a personal level, on an ironic level, as a novelty, as camp, as kitsch, as cautionary example...nothing works. Frankly, I'll be quite relieved when we get back to England and we won't have to deal with them. Lisa: Are you saying we won't see my family again? Hugh: Well, possibly your mother will come when the children are born. Lisa: I can't believe I'm hearing this. I don't want to cut my family out of my life. Hugh: Really? But Lisa, you're better than this place: you're like a flower that grew out of a pot of dirt. Lisa: That's a horrible thing to say! Hugh: Well, come on, _you_ complain about them more than anyone. Lisa: Maybe, but I still love them! And I don't think you understand that. [walks out, leaving the ring in Hugh's hand]

— "Lisa's Wedding"

Lovejoy: And now, to sing "Amazing Grace", Miss Maggie Simpson. Hibbert: Heh heh, she's quite a hellion but she does have an incredible voice. Maggie: Ahem. [breathes in] Hugh: [rushing in] Stop everything! The wedding has been called off. [everyone gasps and chatters] Nelson Sr.: Ha ha! Nelson Jr.: Ha ha! Krusty: Ohh... Lovejoy: Uh, this is very sad news, and it never would have happened if the wedding had been inside the church with God instead of out here in the cheap showiness of nature. Doris: Who wants cake? [everyone stampedes for it]

— A happy ending for some, "Lisa's Wedding"

Woman: The next day, Hugh goes back to England, and you never see him again. Lisa: Wow. Now that I know all this, isn't there any way to change the future? Woman: No...but try to look surprised. Lisa: I thought you said you'd tell me about my _true_ love. Woman: Oh, you'll have a true love, but I specialize in foretelling the relationships where you get jerked around. [laughs manically; throws a smoke bomb and continues to laugh] [the smoke clears, and she's still sitting there]

— Less-than-spectacular exits, "Lisa's Wedding"

Homer: Lisa, Lisa! Where were you? You missed the most incredible thing. Lisa: [grateful] Hi, Dad! [hugs him] Homer: I ate seven pounds of fudge! Lisa: Wow! Homer: The man at the stand said it was a record. Lisa: Wow! What else did you do, Dad? Homer: I rode the teacups, then I got a little sick and I had to sit down. But then, I rode them again...

— All's well, "Lisa's Wedding"

Skinner: Ah, is there nothing so intoxicating as the school hallway at early morn? [sniffs] Hmm, school normally doesn't smell so rank. [sniffs under his arm] Ah, washbasin fresh. That funk must be coming from one of the classrooms. [enters a classroom; groans, covers nose with hankerchief] [sees gerbil in cage] Aw, poor fellow: crushed by his own waterbottle.

— Skinner discovers the death of Superdude, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Skinner: Willy, some time over the holiday weekend the beloved grade four gerbil, uh, Superdude, lost his life. I need you to air out the classroom and give Superdude a proper burial. [Willy looks inside the box, gets a whiff] Willy: Gah! [cut to Willy digging a hole in the dirt] Eh, you're lucky you're getting a decent burial. Me own father got thrown in the bog.

— With seventeen bullets in him, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Bart: Yuck! What reeks? Nelson: [smug] Smells like one of Van Houten's. Milhouse: It does not! [an oil gusher explodes between Bart and Milhouse] [the tiles under Ralph Wiggum's desk shake] Ralph: Miss Hoover? The floor is shaking. Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you thought the -- [gusher explodes through the ceiling, taking Ralph with it]

— No Snagglepuss sightings this time, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Burns: Now, before we adjourn, gentlemen, I have one last matter of utmost importance. I need to send this parcel with the profit projections to Pete Porter in Pasadena. And it absolutely, positively _has_ to be there overnight. [hands the package to the man to his right] Man 1: Pete Porter, pass it on. [hands it on] Man 2: Pasadena promptly. [hand it on] Man 3: Package to parcel processing, pronto. [hands it to Smithers] [Smithers runs into the parcel processing room] Smithers: Forgot prende asked for highly pressing package of power plant profit projections for Pete Porter in Pasadena. Attendant: Priority? Smithers: Precisely.

— Pressing parcel processing, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Skinner: My lord, such destruction. [sees Chalmers climbing up onto the roof] Superintendent Chalmers, er, how are you going? Chalmers: Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded" I immediately though of the word "Skinner"?! Skinner: [makes awkward noises of protest] Chemist: [holding a flask] Congratulations, gentlemen. Your custodian struck oil. You're standing on top of the richest elementary school in the state! [the two men look surprised and elated] We also found this. [hands Skinner oil-coated gerbil] Skinner: Thank you, Superdude. [hurls the carcass away]

— The magical divining gerbil, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Burns: A non-profit organization with oil...I won't allow it! [camera pulls back to show Burns with his feet up on a tandem exercise bike and Smithers pedaling] An oil well doesn't belong in the hands of Betsy Bleedingheart and Maynard G. Muskievote! Smithers: [panting] Sir, have you had [pant] enough...[pant] exercise for this morning? Burns: [getting up] No. Let's go another twenty miles. Smithers: [groaning] Oh... [Burns begins playing pinball in another room]

— Ever since he was a young boy..., "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Burns: {Hello Lenny...Carl...Guillermo. Hello, um, uh, er...} {[Homer waves his nametag back and forth]} {Ooh, uh...} {[the door opens; Smithers and Burns leave]} Lenny: {Don't take it so hard, Homer. He's always screwing up people's names.} Guillermo: {Yeah. At the picnic, he thought my son Renaldo was my son Rolando. Can you believe that?}

— In the elevator, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Skinner: Superintendent, we made the front page today! [holds up newspaper, covering word "Awful" in headline] Chalmers: Uh, what's that say under your hand there? Skinner: Hmm? Oh, it's an unrelated article. Chalmers: It's an unrelated article? Skinner: [nodding] Mm hmm. Chalmers: Within the banner headline? Skinner: Yes. [puts the newspaper down] Now, to redirect our conversation slightly, I had a few ideas on how to spend this oil money. Chalmers: Well, we could give each student a full college scholarship. [both burst out laughing] Skinner: Oh, mercy. Seriously though...

— No 78th-grade readers yet, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Skinner: Before we draw up the budget, I believe the students and faculty have a few suggestions. Willy: I want a crystal bucket for my slopwater and a brand new filthy blanket. [Skinner stamps "Approved" on his clipboard] Doris: The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff. ["Approved"] Lisa: I'd like to start a jazz program for the music department. We've got a really great instructor lined up. [opens door] Skinner: [with Chalmers] Tito Puente! [Tito plays his bongos] Lisa: He's ready to give up the drudgery of the professional mambo circuit and settle into a nice teaching job. Tito: Man, it will be my pleasure. Lisa has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is. Lisa: [nervous laugh] Let's go now, Mr. Puente. ["Approved"] Ralph: Chocolate microscopes. ["Approved"] Otto: You know those guitars, that are like, double guitars, you know? ["Approved"] Skinner: More rubber stamps. ["Approved"]

— The basic necessities, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Smithers: [over intercom] Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you. Skinner: That's odd. I don't have a secretary...or an intercom! But send him in. [Burns enters dressed like Jimbo] Burns: Ahoy, there, Dean. I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh? [sits on desk; groans as his knee bends painfully] Well, me and my fourth form chums think it would be quite corking if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern. Skinner: [clears throat] Mr. Burns? Burns: Buh! Skinner: It _was_ naive of you think I would mistake this town's most prominent 104- year-old man for one of my elementary school students.

— Burns tries his hand at skulduggery, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Burns: [menacing] I want that oil well. I've got a monopoly to maintain! I own the electric company, and the water works -- plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue! Skinner: That hotel's a dump and your monopoly's pathetic. This school's oil well is not for sale, particularly to a blackhearted scoundrel like yourself. Burns: I see. Then I'll just have to...attack you! [he flails like a sissy at the unflinching Skinner] I must have that oil. [pants] Smithers...Smithers, help me subdue [pant] this beast. Smithers: [walking in] Sorry sir, this was all I could find. ["fires" a stapler at Skinner] Take that, and that! [staples land uselessly on a briefcase] Skinner: Please don't waste those.

— New fiduciary concerns, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Marge: I'm happy for the school. It sounds like this money's going to provide a lot of new opportunities. Bart: Big deal. They didn't approve my idea; they said it was unfeasible. Lisa: It _is_ unfeasible to resurrect the dead, Bart. And even if the Three Stooges _were_ alive I doubt they'd want to hang around with you. Bart: Oh yeah. I guess they'd probably want to be with their families or something, huh? Homer: Oh, I hate my job. I mean, what's the point when your boss doesn't even remember your name? Marge: I have an idea. Homer: What? What's your idea? Marge: When my father was first trying to catch my mother's eye, he sent her a box of candy with his photo in it. After that, she never forgot him. Homer: That's all well and good, but it's not really _your_ idea, is it now, Marge?

— Homer characteristically misses the point, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Burns: That's it. Fumble about with your widgets and do-bobs. It will all be a monument to futility when my plan comes to fruition. [looks through binoculars at his own drilling site: "Burns Construction Co. Building a better tomorrow...for him"] Smithers: Sir...[sighs] What I am about to say violates every sycophantic urge in my body, but I wish you would reconsider. This isn't a rival company your battling with: it's a school. People won't stand for it. Burns: Pish posh, it will be like taking candy from a baby. [sees a baby with some candy through the binoculars] Say, that sounds like a larf. Let's try it right now.

— A regular laff riot, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Smithers: Er, um, there's some candy right here, Sir. [points to a box] Why don't we eat this instead of stealing? Burns: Oh, very well. [they open it and start eating; a photo is slowly uncovered] Smithers: Now look, there's a photo in here. Burns: Ah yes, I believe that's little Maggie Simpson, the baby who found my precious teddy bear Bobo. Oh, and that Simpson mutt, my former guard dog. Oh and um, that's uh, Bart Simpson, he was my heir for a brief period, you know? Smithers: Yes sir, I remember. [later, they both look ill] Burns: Anything left? Smithers: Uh, only the sour quince log, sir. [the log covers Homer's face] Burns: Ew! Dispose of it. And, uh, send a thank you note to Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie Simpson.

— The best-laid plans, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Skinner: Today Springfield Elementary embarks on a new era: an era of unbridled spending where petrodollars will fuel our wildest educational fantasies. These young minds will enjoy every academic advantage [chuckles] till they enter Springfield High School, which has no oil well. Kid: [from audience] We got an air hockey table! Skinner: Fine. Now to switch on our oil pump for the very first time, here's our top student, Lisa Simpson. Kearney: [from audience] Nerd! [Lisa throws the switch] [a huge rumble is heard, but only a single drop of oil comes out] Chemist: There's no pressure. Someone else has tapped this well! Tito: Aye caramba!

— Tito's stolen catch-phrase, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Burns: Ah, soon that mighty apparatus will burst forth with its precious fluid. Almost sexual, isn't it, Smithers? Smithers: [not impressed] Ehh.

— Burns watches his oil well, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Vet: Your dog's condition has been upgraded from stable to frisky, [SLH walks out with his hind legs in a cast on rollers] and he's free to go. His legs should be as good as new in a few months, but in the meantime he'll have to use the wheelabout. Bart: I'll get even with whoever did this to you, boy, I swear it. Vet: Whoops, almost forgot. Wouldn't want you gnawing on those casts, eh boy? [straps a lampshade-like thing around SLH's neck] Nelson: Ha ha! Bird: [in cage in Nelson's hand] Ha ha! [whistles]

— Like owner, like pet, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Lisa: [on phone] Oh no, that's awful, Mr. Puente. What? Oh, he owns the nuclear power plant. Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash too. [hangs up] Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns? Homer: Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card. Lisa: [reading it] "Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie." Dad, this doesn't have your name on it. [Homer looks closely at the card, then lowers it slowly] Homer: Kids, would you step outside for a second? [the kids run out] [standing up] F -- [a church organ plays a chord; birds fly away; everyone stops] Ned: Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

— And he's probably heard plenty, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Barney: These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem? [a man at the end of the bar slumps to the floor] Moe: Hey, if you guys are getting loaded of them fumes I'm gonna have to charge you. [two scientists in ecosuits walk in] Man: Man alive! There are, uh, men alive in here. Woman: [holding a beeping detector] I'm detecting over twenty different toxins in the air. [Barney belches; the beeping increases in speed] Man: All right, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed! Moe: Damned Burns. Let me just get one thing. [pulls shotgun from behind the bar] Barney: Me too! [pulls gun from his side] Ah: now _there's_ the inflated sense of self-esteem!

— Barney, NRA card-carrier, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Smithers: Well, Sir, you've certainly vanquished all your enemies: the Elementary School, the local tavern, the old age home...you must be very proud. Burns: [stuffing money into his wallet] No, not while my greatest nemesis still provides our customers with free light, heat and energy. I call this enemy...the sun. [throws a switch; a control panel appears at his desk] [another button slides the floor off a model of Springfield] Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing...block it out! [another button raises a shield over the model town] Smithers: Good God!

— Burns' dastardly plan revealed, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Burns: Imagine it, Smithers: electrical lights and heaters running all day long! Smithers: But Sir! Every plant and tree will die, owls will deafen us with incessant hooting...the town's sundial will be useless. I don't want any part of this project, it's unconscionably fiendish. Burns: I will not suffer your insubordination. There has been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon. And you will fall into line, now! Smithers: [pained] No...no, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity. Burns: I'll do no such thing. You're fired! [Smithers walks out] [Burns starts crushing things in the model] Burns: [laughing] Take that, Bowlerama! [stomp] Take that, Convenience Mart! [stomp] Take that, Nuclear Power Plan -- [stomp] oh, fiddlesticks.

— Fiddle dee dee, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Marge: I must say, Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate -- selfish, even. [Bart and Lisa walk in] Bart: Burns needs some serious boostafazoo, right Dad?...Dad?...Homer! [pulls paper away to reveal Abe] [Abe and kids all scream] Lisa: Sorry, Grampa. It's just that for a second it looked like Dad had melted. Abe: Well, get used to it, 'cause I'm living here now. I ain't going back to the retirement home until they fish my bed out of that sinkhole. [Marge walks to the table with two bowls] Marge: Strained carrots for Maggie, strained carrots for Grampa. Abe: [whining] I want a bib too!

— No perks at home, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Burns: [turning on the light] Who the devil are you? [Homer has painted "I am Homer Simpson" on the wall] Homer: [rushing Burns and shaking him] Homer Simpson! Burns: What? Homer: Homer Simpson! Burns: What are you talking about? Homer: Homer... Burns: You're not making sense, man! Homer: Shut up! Homer Simpson! Burns: I can't understand a word you're saying! Homer: My name is Homer Simpson! Burns: You're just babbling incoherently... Homer: My name is Homer -- [three guards rush in, restrain Homer, and drag him away] Oh, you're a dead man, Burns. Oh, you're dead! You're dead, Burns!

— Homer gets serious, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Abe: Hey, the lamp's running away! Bart: That's my dog, man! Abe: So long, lamp. Now stop loafing and help your Grampa unpack. [Bart pulls out a cigar box and opens the top] Bart: [seeing a gun] Wow! Abe: That's my old Smith and Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause its loaded. Marge: [walking in] Aah! Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house. [takes it away] Abe: How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through that door? Marge: I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. [walks out] Abe: Geesh! You should have fired into the air. She would have run off!

— Abe, ever practical, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Quimby: People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it. Aide: [whispering] Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns. Quimby: Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor. [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up] Smithers: [crying] Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to...a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central! Hibbert: Oh, dear God! Smithers: {Ehh, it's not that bad. I never miss "Pardon My Zinger".} {[Ned wraps a blanket around him]}

— Weekdays at three p.m., "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Willy: {Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.} Abe: {Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.} Old man: {You bastard!} Moe: I lost my bar! Barney: I lost his bar! Lisa: He robbed the school of music! Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security! Tito: He robbed the school of Tito! Homer: He can't remember my name! Marge: He's causing us all to yell! [Maggie sucks violently] Bart: Look what he did to my best friend! [camera pans to Milhouse eating cheezies] No, my dog! [SLH rolls in on his cart] Burns: [chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?

— Uncalled-for jokes, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Bart: You twisted old monster! [runs at him; Burns pulls back his lapel and shows a gun] Burns: [scolds] I've decided to protect myself ever since I was attacked in my office by an unidentified assailant. Homer: D'oh! McAllister: Arr. Burns, your scurvy schemes will earn ye a one way passage to the boneyard... Ned: I'd like to hear from Sideshow Mel. Mel: I'll see to it that Mr. Burns suffers the infernal machinations of hell's grim tyrant. [flicks a switchblade] Otto: Yeah! Burns: Oh, you all talk big. But who here has the guts to stop me? [camera pans across still audience] Mm hm. Very well. One last question: have you ever seen the sun set...at three p.m.? McAllister: Aye, once. When I was sailing 'round the arctic -- Burns: Shut up, you!

— Burns' diabolical plan unfolds, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Doris: Eternal darkness. Well, that's just great. Apu: Listen, someone's got to get that Mr. Burns. Where is that gun- toting lowlife when you need one? Snake: Sorry, I was in the can.

— Even criminals have to go, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Selma: Mr. Burns has been shot. Wiggum: Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask! [pulls at his face a little] Wait, it _is_ Burns. Heh, his wrinkly skin, it...looks like a mask. Marge: I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town's a suspect. Hibbert: Heh heh heh. Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can..._you_? [points at camera] [camera pulls back to reveal that he's pointing at Wiggum] Wiggum: Yeah, I'll give it a shot, I mean, you know, it's my job, right?

— To be continued, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One"

Bart: Ohh, all these new superheroes _suck_! None of them can hold a candle to "Radioactive Man". Milhouse: The only decent new one is "Radiation Dude". Bart: Nah, he's just a cheap imitation of Radioactive Man. Milhouse: [put out] Explain. Bart: The similarities are subtle, but many. For example, Radioactive Man has his famous catch phrase, "Up and at 'em!" with "at 'em" spelled A-T-O-M in a delicious pun. Milhouse: Go on... Bart: While Radiation Dude has a similar but lamer catch phrase, "Up and let's go!"

— Bart compares and contrasts, "Radioactive Man"

Owner: So you kids fancy yourselves experts, eh? Bart: Well, between us we've read all 814 issues of "Radioactive Man". Milhouse: Yeah, and we both have the special limited-edition issue where he and Fallout Boy get killed on every page! Owner: Well I suppose you know, then, that Hollywood is planning a feature film about Radioactive Man. [Bart and Milhouse gasp in surprise] [their hats shoot up off their heads] I have got to do something about that air conditioner suction.

— Those cheap sight gags explained, "Radioactive Man"

Man 1: I don't see why Rainier Wolfcastle should be the star. I think we should bring back Dirk Richter. Kids will want to see the original Radioactive Man. Assistant: I keep telling you, he's 73 years old and he's dead. Man 1: Granted, but -- Director: Besides, we want to stay as far away from the campy 70s version as possible. [Batman-like flash to 70s version] Fallout Boy: Billowing backpacks, Radioactive Man: it's the worst villain of them all -- the Scoutmaster! Radioactive Man: I see him, Fallout Boy. Scoutmaster: [a la Paul Lynde] Go get 'em, scouts. [Batman music plays as a large fight ensues] Don't be afraid to use your nails, boys! [laughs] [with each huge punch, onomatopoetic sounds appear: ZUFF! PAN! SNUH! BORT! POOO! NEWT! MINT! ZAK!] [a bunch of women run on and start boogying, as do Radioactive Man, Fallout Boy, and all the scouts] [in the present, the director shudders]

— The decade of bad TV, "Radioactive Man"

Man 1: So where can we shoot this picture? Assistant: [holding a map of the US] We need a city that has a nuclear reactor, and a gorge, and can guarantee us the full cooperation of city officials. Woman: I'll check "Variety". [flips past "Film New York", "Film Texas", and "Film Utah" ads] Assistant: Wow! Look at that ad! [a small box with "Flim Springfield" in it] All right, this place _must_ be hot. They don't need a big ad, or even correct spelling. Man 1: I agree with that logic. Assistant: [into intercom] Get me two plane tickets to the state that Springfield is in.

— The best-kept secret, "Radioactive Man"

Assistant: All right, we have $30 million to spend. Quimby: We'll blow up our dams, destroy forests, anything! If there's a species of animal that's causing problems nosing around your camera, we'll have it wiped out! Director: Look! We just want to make movies, not kill things. Wiggum: [winks] Riight, _we_ understand, heh.

— Say no more, "Radioactive Man"

Skinner: Students, I have an announcement. One of your favorite comic book heroes, Radio Man -- Nelson: Radio_active_ Man, stupid! Skinner: Strange, I shouldn't have been able to hear that. Anyway, uh, Hollywood Studio has decided to film the Radioactive Man movie here in Springfield. Kids: Yay! Skinner: And they will be holding auditions to find a local youngster to play Fallout Boy. [kids all gasp, their hats fly off] Oh, and the air conditioner will be fixed this afternoon.

— Those dumb ducts, "Radioactive Man"

Bart: Look behind you, Radioactive Man! The sun is exploding again! [jumps down, does a somersault] Marge: Bart, why are you talking like that? Homer: Yeah, and who the hell are you talking to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men? Bart: I'm practising my Fallout Boy dialog. If I get this role, I can finally come to terms with this funny little muddle called Bart.

— The purest motives, "Radioactive Man"

Barney: Whoa! You mean, you were one of the original Little Rascals? Moe: Yeah. Homer: Which one were you? The ugly one? [Moe glares] Were you the ugly one? Moe: No, I was the tough kid, Smelly. My shtick was looking into an exhaust pipe and getting a faceful of soot. Nobody could do that better than me. Of course, it was kind of hard to think of _reasons_ for me to _look_ in that exhaust pipe every time, but, you know -- we had good writers. William Faulkner can write an exhaust pipe gag that would really make you think.

— Faulkner's humble beginnings, "Radioactive Man"

Barney: If you were such a big shot, why aren't you still making movies? Moe? Moe! [Moe thinks back to an episode where the Little Rascals are playing marbles] [he flicks one away; it bounces into an exhaust pipe] Moe: Oh, no! My favorite aggie! [Alfalfa runs off, looks in the exhaust pipe] [the car starts and blows soot in his face] Moe: [smashing Alfalfa's head into the ground] You stole my bit! That's my bit...ooh! Ooh! You stole my bit! Man: Cut! Oh my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa. Moe: [in the present] Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan owned by the studio. Denizens: Oh! I see. That makes sense.

— Justifiable homicide, "Radioactive Man"

Kent: With wealthy Hollywood people on the way, local merchants can be forgiven for raising their prices a little. [at Le Pamperie: "Giant Horrible Toupees: $1000/lb"] [at Springfield Hardware: "Movie Screws $10"] [Snake with a sign: "Give me a million dollars or I'll bash you"]

— The new sights around town, "Radioactive Man"

Milhouse: [whining] Mom, don't make me do this. I don't want to be an actor. Mrs. VH: Nonsense. You're going to be great. Now take off those glasses so they can see your beautiful eyes... [she does so, revealing his downright odd-looking eyes]

— A mother's love, "Radioactive Man"

Doris: At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy? Nelson: [too slowly] Watch out -- Director: Next! [Nelson walks off, sees his face in a mirror] Nelson: Ha ha! Hey -- that hurts. No wonder no one came to my birthday party. Doris: At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy? Ralph: What's for lunch tomorrow? Director: Next. Ralph: Chicken necks? Director: We're never going to find -- [spots Martin sitting outside] -- wait a minute. That child has the exact qualities we're looking for. He's perfect! What is his name? Woman: I don't know. He just came along with one of the others. He didn't sign up officially. Director: Oh, forget him, then. It wouldn't be fair to the other children who filled out their application forms in full. Next!

— The new Hollywood ethics, "Radioactive Man"

Doris: At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy? Bart: Watch out, Radioactive Man! Director: Brilliant reading! Again? Bart: Watch out, Radioactive Man! Director: Fantastic! One more time? Bart: Watch out, Radioactive Man! Director: Congratulations, Bart Simpson: you're our new Fallout Boy! Bart: [gasps] Director: That's what I'd be saying to you if you weren't an inch too short. Next!

— The new Hollywood cruelty, "Radioactive Man"

Bart: I have _got_ to grow an inch by tomorrow or I won't get that part. Pull, you mighty stallions, pull! Show me no mercy. [SLH and Snowball II make a small effort at pulling] [they stop, and start licking themselves and scratching]

— Mighty, schmighty, "Radioactive Man"

Bart: Ohh, I only grew half an inch. I'm still too short. Marge: Growing half an inch in one day is still pretty good, Bart. Lisa: Yeah, that's how fast Grampa's shrinking. Grampa: [walking by, his head below table level] Oh, I'm as tall as I -- Bart: Is there any way I can look taller without actually being taller? [he walks out of the house with elevator shoes, a chihuahua, and a spikier haircut]

— There are three ways, actually, "Radioactive Man"

Bart: Good news, gentlemen: I've grown that extra inch you wanted plus several feet more. Director: We've found our new Fallout Boy! Bart: [gasps] Director: And he's right over there. [camera pans to Milhouse] Milhouse: Huh?

— A great day in the history of acting, "Radioactive Man"

Director: Ladies and gentlement, meet America's new Fallout Boy! Milhouse: Aah! [screaming girls close in on him] Hutz: [pushing through] Out of the way...Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, body guard, unauthorized biographer, and drug dealer...er, keeper-awayer. Milhouse: Aah! Leave me alone! [everyone chases him back to his house] Mom! Dad! Make 'em stop! [slams the door to the house] [sees his parents opening boxes] What is all this stuff? Mr. VH: We've heard you've become a star. We've decided we better start living in the fast lane. Milhouse: What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this? Mrs. VH: I'm sorry, I can't hear you, son! I'm wearing a jacuzzi suit. Milhouse: Ohh --

— Instant collateral, "Radioactive Man"

Bart: Ohh, I just missed out on the greatest opportunity of my entire life! George Burns was right: show business is a hideous bitch goddess. Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend, someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low! Bart: You're right, Lis. I can suck up to him, like the religious people suck up to God.

— Bart deconstructs religion, "Radioactive Man"

Homer: Guess what, kids? They're going to pay us $50 a day to film some of the movie here. Crewman: Yeah, we'll run that cable through here. [starts hammering into the wall] Homer: Careful, now -- [turns around] Hey! Didn't you direct "Unnatural Discretion"? Director: [modest] Yes, I did. Homer: [holding his news] Phew-ee! Woo! Oh! You know, I never walk out of a movie, but -- yecch! Assistant: Ahem, I've got an idea Mr. Simpson. Why don't you get something to eat from our food truck? [Homer flies off; a cloud of dust retains his form] Mist -- Mr. Simpson? [pokes at dust]

— Cartoon physics revisited, "Radioactive Man"

Krusty: You've got to give me the part of Crispy the Clown! Director: I'm sorry: you're wrong for the part. Krusty: But look at my range! [holds out photograph] [pictures show Krusty laughing, frowning, saluting in a sailor cap, and looking through a microscope] Assistant: Well, I'm sorry: Crispy the Clown has been cast. But I will hire you for Angry the Crown, Silly Sailor, and Dr. Clownius. Krusty: I _won't_ let you down. [the men leave] Well, I _might_ let you down in Silly Sailor.

— Aware of his faults, "Radioactive Man"

Coach: Up and atom! Rainier: Up and at them! Coach: Up and atom! Rainier: Up and at them! Coach: [annoyed] Up and atom! Rainier: [louder] Up and at them! Coach: [covers his eyes] Better.

— McBain misses the point, "Radioactive Man"

Bart: Hey, Milhouse. I want you to know that I'm glad at least one of us got the part. [Milhouse explodes] Bart: Milhouse! [a leg lands in front of him] I didn't do it...I didn't do it! I wished him well. [his head lands in Bart's arms] Aah! Man: Stupid dummy wasn't supposed to explode yet! Bart: [sighs] There's the _real_ Milhouse. [Milhouse rides a bike across a road] [a truck plows into him; its door opens and an X-ray machine falls out, pointing right at his head] Bart: [gasps] Milhouse! [runs up] Hey, you're not Milhouse. [it's the Estonian midget from 1F16] Midget: No, I'm just Milhouse when he gets hurt. [groans]

— Stunt doubles, "Radioactive Man"

Director: OK, let's get the _real_ Milhouse over here, under the X-ray truck. Milhouse: [abashed] Hi, Bart. Bart: Hey. Cool, Milhouse! You get to be crushed by a truck. Milhouse: It sounds like more fun that it really is. Hey! I think I'm lying on a broken bottle. Director: Beautiful! Use it.

— Unaccounted-for props, "Radioactive Man"

Director: OK, Fallout Boy origin scene, take 1 -- action! [X-ray machine blasts straight on Milhouse's face] Rainier: [lifts up truck] Up and at them. Milhouse: Thanks for the help, mysterious stranger. Say -- I think those X-rays gave me super powers. [they stand around; Rainier scratches himself] Director: That was perfect! Let's do it again. Milhouse: Uh, these aren't real X-rays, are they? Director: Good question! We'll check into that. OK, X-ray machine to full power, and -- action! [X-ray machine blasts Milhouse's face; his skull becomes visible]

— "Radioactive Man"

Martin: Uh, Sir, why don't you just use real cows? Painter: Cows don't look like cows on film. You gotta use horses. Ralph: What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse? Painter: Ehh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together.

— Clever film techniques, "Radioactive Man"

Homer: You guys work on the movie? Teamster: You sayin' we're not working? Homer: Oh, I always wanted to be a Teamster. So lazy and surly... mind if I relax next to you?

— Yet another lifelong dream, "Radioactive Man"

Assistant: [on phone] Oh, here he comes. What is it now, Quimby? Quimby: Nothing, nothing. Only the, er, city has just passed another tax on puffy directing pants. Director: [exasperated] But I don't wear puffy pants! Quimby: I meant a tax on _not_ wearing puffy pants. Assistant: Oy. Quimby: I'm sorry. [sounding anything but]

— More stringent than the "two comely lasses" thing, "Radioactive Man"

Bart: Wow, you really got it made now, Milhouse. This is living! Milhouse: [in a costume] Is it, Bart? Is it really? Bart: Yeah. Milhouse: Ever since I became a movie star I've been miserable. I had to get up at five a.m. just for makeup. I like the way the blush brings out my cheekbones, but it's not worth it. And making movies is so horribly repetitive: I've said "jiminy jillikers" so many times the words have lost all meaning! Director: We've got to do the "jiminy jillikers" scene again, Milhouse. Milhouse: [quietly angry] But we already did it. It took seven hours, but we did it. It's done! Director: Yes...but we've got to do it from different angles! Again and again, and again and again and again! Milhouse: Aah! [gets dragged out screaming] Bart: [looking around] Yeah! [sighs]

— The downside of stardom, "Radioactive Man"

Rainier: Ach! I can't believe Silly Sailor beat us both up and imprisoned us in his floating Aquaworld. Milhouse: Jiminy jillikers! Rainier: Uh, now there's no need for profanity, Fallout Boy. [in the editing room, the clip rolls] Assistant: Everyone in town has been gouging us silly, but it's worth it: it's all up there on the screen. Director: Yes. That Milhouse is going to be big -- Gabby Hayes big!

— Appropriate allusions, "Radioactive Man"

Director: OK, listen up, everybody: this is the hardest, most expensive scene in the movie, and we only get one shot at it, so we _have_ to do it right. Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety moments before he's hit with a forty-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now, that's real acid, so I want to see goggles, people! [everyone puts them on] Rainier: [tied up] _Real_ acid?

— The perils of movie stardom, "Radioactive Man"

Editor: Thanks to modern editing techniques, we can use existing footage to complete the film without Milhouse! [shot of assistant and director staring blankly] Watch. [rolls film] [a band of Road Warrior-esque toughs faces the duo in a cave] Rainier: Looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy. [scene switch to field in springtime] Milhouse: Jiminy jillikers, Radioactive Man. [back to cave] Rainier: We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready? [switch to Milhouse on a couch] Milhouse: Yes. [switch to Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy fighting alien slugs] Editor: Seamless, huh? Assistant: [pause] You're fired. Editor: And with good cause!

— ILM, you've done it again, "Radioactive Man"

Wiggum: OK, we can all stop worrying now. These dogs never fail. Mr. VH: But...will they just find Milhouse, or will they find him and kill him? Wiggum: Well, they'll -- when they find him, they'll, um -- [mumbles something incomprehensible] Mr. VH: Uh, excuse me: you didn't answer me. You just trailed off. Wiggum: Yeah...yeah, I did kind of trail off, there, didn't I? Heh.

— Evading the honest answer, "Radioactive Man"

Bart: Have you seen Milhouse? Owner: No, now go away: we're racing for the title of the champion of the universe. [Otto's school bus crashes] Otto: All right!

— A day at the slot car races, "Radioactive Man"

Bart: Yo, Dr. S: have you seen Milhouse today? Dr. S: No. Bart: OK, thanks. [starts to leave] Dr. S: Wait: did you know that there's a direct correlation between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? Think about it. Bart: I will. [walks off] Dr. S: No you won't. [goes back to drawing]

— Bart visits the Spirograph factory, "Radioactive Man"

Bart: Aha! Milhouse: Stay away from me, Bart. I mean it: I'm not going back. I'm not cut out to be a star. Bart: But Milhouse, being a star is every patriotic American's dream. Milhouse: Not mine. It's a sham, Bart! You get up on that movie screen pretending to be a hero, but you're not. The real heroes are out _there_, toiling day and night on more important things! Bart: [dreamy] Television. Milhouse: No! Curing heart disease and wiping out world hunger. Bart: But Milhouse, they haven't cured anything! Heart disease and world hunger are still rampant. Those do-gooders are all a bunch a pitiful losers...every last one of them. Want results? You have to go to the Schwarzeneggers, the Stallones, and to a lesser extent, the Van Dammes.

— Bart mounts the soapbox, "Radioactive Man"

Boys: [gasp] Mickey Rooney! Rooney: Hi, Milhouse. The studio sent me to talk to you, being a former child star myself, _and_ the number one box office draw from 1939 to 1940. Bart: Wow, spanning two decades. Milhouse: How'd you find us? Rooney: Uh, they tapped your treehouse phone. [shot of a pair of cans with a wire going to a van]

— The latest technology, "Radioactive Man"

Rooney: Milhouse, listen: you can't quit this movie. I've seen your work; it's good -- very, very good. Van Johnson good. Milhouse: I know I'm good. Movie stardom is just so hollow. Rooney: Hollow?! The only thing in show business that's hollow is the music industry. Come on, Milhouse, you _have_ to do this, if not for yourself, then for the moviegoing public and for the foreign markets that are more important than ever nowadays and...finally, for me -- the Mickster. Milhouse: [adamant] No. Rooney: All right, I tried. Fortunately, we have a perfectly good Fallout Boy right here. [puts his arm around Bart] [next shot shows Rooney in Fallout Boy costume] Rooney: Jiminy jillikers. Jiminy jillikers. Jiminy jillikers! Director: [covering his eyes] We're shutting down production. Assistant: Yeah, well, we only have $1000 left anyway. Quimby: Uh, there's a $1000 leaving town tax.

— Good to the last milked drop, "Radioactive Man"

Rooney: Well, I hope you're all satisfied. You bankrupted a bunch of naive movie folks -- folks from a Hollywood where values are... different. They weren't thinking about the money. They just wanted to tell a story, a story about a radioactive man, and you slick small-towners took 'em for all they were worth. [everyone looks dejected and mournful] Otto: [sniffles] Do we give them some of their money back? Quimby: [weeps] No. [the helicopter swings by overhead] Pilot: Hurry, Mr. Rooney! We've got a disenchanted little girl in a Jell-O Pudding commercial! Rooney: I could play that...[grabs the rope ladder]

— Always looking out for numero uno, "Radioactive Man"

Bart: So, Milhouse, it must be a little tough giving up all that glamor and coming back to school, huh? Midget: Quiet! Maybe I can get my citizenship.

— All's well, "Radioactive Man"

Kent: Welcome to the six o'clock news in our brand new studio. Lookin' good, Springfield! [he waves to the people out the large window behind him] In today's news, a two-ton rhino escaped from the Springfield Zoo, but zoo officials were quick to act, and Petunia, as she is known, is safely back in captivity. [a large rhino gores people outside the window] In other news, a three-ton rhino that escaped from the zoo last week is still at large.

— America's violentest home videos, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Marge: All right, who broke my vase? Lisa: Who took all my test papers off the refrigerator and tore them up? Homer: Who spread garbage all over Flanders' yard before I got a chance to? Bart: Oh, please. This is senseless destruction with none of my usual social commentary. [SLH runs in, destroying a pillow, then runs out] Lisa: If it wasn't you, then who was it? [SLH chases Snowball II in, a knife in his jaws] Marge: Well, I'm sure these things didn't destroy themselves, now, did they? Homer: [worried] Did they? [SLH runs in, shreds Homer's shirt] Hmm. I guess Bart's not to blame. Which is lucky, too, because it's spanking season, and I got a hankering for some spankering!

— No duck or wabbit season 'round Springfield, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Marge: I think there's really something wrong with Santa's Little Helper. He was up barking all night, and dug up the back yard worse than ever. [they all look out the window at the dug-up back yard] Lisa: [gasps] My bongo drums! Bart: [gasps] My strobelight! Homer: [gasps] My "Best of Ray Stevens featuring `The Streak'" album! So it was the _dog_ that buried all our stuff. Marge: Yes, the dog. [outside, SLH's head pokes up from a hole] Homer: Oh my God! He's got the precious cable TV cable! [SLH runs through the neighborhood tearing up the cable] [at the Wiggums' house, the parents watch "Kent's Kitchen"] Kent: Always use fresh macaroni. If the box rattles, throw it away. [the picture goes off] Wiggum: Aw! Announcer: Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please, do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless. Wiggum: [checking under the covers] Well I'll be damned.

— TV, bastion of truth, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Marge: Excuse me, we're having a problem with our dog. Clerk: Lady, I'll tell you what I'm telling everyone else: I'm sorry if your dog went blind, but your gripe is with Hartz Mountain, not with me. Marge: No, no! Our dog is out of control: he's wild, destructive, and has little or no respect for authority. Clerk: Hmm...let me try a canine-human mind meld. It's an incredibly rare psychic power possessed only by me and three other clerks at this store. [puts his hands on SLH's face] OK...bruff! Bruff! Bruff! [groans] I'm bored...I'm restless. Need change in life...ruff!...like imported leather leash, ruff!...Er, blue contact lenses, ruff!...200-volt shock training collar -- [later, in a car full of canine accessories] Homer: Well, problem solved. [dusts his hands together] Marge: Homer! Hold on to the wheel. Homer: You got it. [does so]

— The wonders of modern pet psychiatry, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Bart: Hey! Homer: Don't worry: we'll catch him, or run him over trying! Bart: Look! He's headed back to the greyhound racing track where we found him. Homer: Don't worry, as soon as they find out he doesn't have any money, they'll throw him out. Believe me, I know.

— A tight little ball of rage, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Marge: Ooh, this place is so big. Do you think we should split up and look for him, Homey? Homey? Homer: [at a ticket booth] Two bucks to win on number eight. [sees Marge looking at him] [plaintive] And have you seen my beloved dog? [laughs painfully] Gimme the ticket.

— Homer succumbs to Gamblor, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Homer: We can't lose! Look at the name of the dog I bet on. Marge: "She's The Fastest"...Homer, I don't think that means necessarily -- Announcer: And they're off! She's The Fastest jumps out to an insurmountable lead. Homer: You're lucky you got looks, Marge. Announcer: As they round the far turn, it's She's The Fastest, followed by Always Comes in Second and I'm Number Three. Homer: Yes! Come on, you little horse! Announcer: And they're in the home stretch. It's -- wait! Another dog is on the track. Bart: It's Santa's Little Helper. Announcer: The mystery dog is gaining fast on the outside. Of course, he could never win this race...or could he? [SLH chases the lead dog] Lisa: What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Marge: Uh oh... Bart: It looks he's trying to jump over her, but he can't quite make it. Come on, boy, you can do it! [Marge covers the children's eyes]

— The birds having sex with the bees, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end: the end of dog racing. Everyone: Boo! Marge: I think they're in love. Everyone: Aw... [the dogs lie contentedly on the track] Homer: Aw, so _that's_ what's been wrong with the little fellow: he misses casual sex. Lisa: Can we keep Santa's girlfriend, Mom? Bart: Please? Marge: But she's not our dog. Texan: She's yours now. Once they fall in love, they lose their racing spirit. Marge: Won't you miss her loyalty and companionship? Texan: [guffaws heartily] Lady, you're all right.

— I don't get it, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

[SLH paws at the front door] Marge: OK, you can go out and play, but no more you-know-what in front of the house, all right? [the dogs run out] Hey! What'd I just say?

— Time for obedience school once again, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Bart: Hey, boy, you want to play fetch? [SLH looks up, tired, then puts his head back down] Aw. Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team, but he never wants to play any more since his bitch moved in. Marge: Bart, don't ever say that word again! Bart: Well, that's what she is. I looked it up. Marge: Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me...

— Marge "Tipper Gore" Simpson, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Lisa: {Wow, 25 puppies!} [Snowball II rubs her eyes, whimpers, and bats a ball of catnip aside]} Bart: {An army of dogs! No bully will ever touch me again. [walks to front door; Jimbo threatens Milhouse] Hey, jerkface! You have the face of a jerk.} Jimbo: {[running over] All right, Simpson, you asked for it --} Bart: {Get 'im, boys! [the puppies stumble and whimper towards Jimbo] Heh. Say, er, Jimbo, heh, hope I wasn't out of line with that "jerkface" crack, heh. [Jimbo pounds him]}

— Would you believe..., "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Marge: Oh, Homey, aren't they adorable? Homer: Yes. We've waited many years, but the good Lord has finally blessed us with a real family. [Bart, Lisa, and Maggie glower at Homer]

— Meal time for people and puppies alike, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Lisa: Mom, why do _I_ have to wear a flea collar? Marge: Oh, it's just easier this way.

— The simple way out, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Marge: Yeesh, this house stinks! You're not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you? Homer: Do you have a better idea?

— Well yes, actually, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Marge: Now, I know we love the puppies very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem. Bart: Yeah, they ate all my socks. I have to wear Lisa's to school today. [Bart's socks are pink] Homer: How do you explain the coulottes, boy? Bart: [wearing a pink skirt] Well, I have to coordinate, don't I? Homer: Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away. Bart+Lisa: No! Homer: Mainly your mother. Lisa: Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them? [camera pans rapidly to the Springfield Retirement Castle] Abe: [picking up phone] Hello? Is anybody there? Aw...[hangs up]

— Lisa, rhetoric queen, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Marge: All right, we'll give the dogs one more chance. As long as the puppies don't do anything else wrong, they stay. Hmm. On a completely unrelated topic, I'm having a very, very important dinner party tonight. Homer: Splendid! Who's coming? Marge: Reverend Lovejoy, your old army drill sergeant, and the regional director of the IRS. [that night] Lovejoy: Oh, just lovely, Marge. The whole town will hear what a perfect evening this was -- how nothing at all went wrong. Sergeant: Simpson! This evening has gone so flawlessly, I'm going to forget that you were mistakenly let out of the army a month early. Auditor: And I'm so impressed by this problem-free evening that there's no need for that audit. Togther: A toast...to the Simpsons! Sergeant: And to that delectable turkey...that's walking around the table?! Lovejoy: Dear Lord, it's a demon-bird! [the turkey breaks open; two puppies wrestle inside] [the guests retch into their napkins and leave] Sergeant: Simpson! See you at reveille, 0500 tomorrow. Auditor: See you at the IRS! Lovejoy: See you in hell! [slams door, then pops head back in] From heaven. [slams door]

— The dinner goes horribly awry, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Ned: Well, we sure could use a pooch to guard the flock at the Flanderosa. Skinner: It'd be nice to have some companionship when mother goes out on dates. Abe: We could use a new pet over at the home seeing as how we accidentally killed that smart-mouth bird.

— At the puppy giveaway, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Lisa: They don't like being broken up. Marge: We've got to be realistic, kids. Who's going to have a big enough heart to take care of 25 puppies? Burns: [chuckling] And I know the little fellows will love romping around my many acres, chasing my many cars, drinking from my many toilets... Homer: Who wouldn't? Lisa: [whispering] Mom, don't give the puppies to him, he'll be mean to them. Marge: Hmm...she's right, Homer. There's something about his face I don't trust. [Burns laughs evilly to himself] Homer: Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but...you can't have these dogs. [cringes] Am I fired? Burns: Hmm? Oh, of course not. They're your pets, you can do as you wish. Good day, everyone. [he starts to walk off with Smithers] Marge: My, he certainly took that well. Homer: A little too well, if you ask me. I'm sure he's plotting some brilliant scheme to get those puppies. [Burns piles them into a sack while the family's backs are turned] Burns: There you go...there you go...you go, too. Smithers: Honestly, Sir, you just don't put the effort into your schemes that you used to.

— Burns, lazy in his old age, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Wiggum: Don't worry, folks, we'll find your wallet. Marge: Dogs! Chief, you're getting powdered sugar all over my floor. Wiggum: No I'm not, no I'm not. I'm, um, dusting for prints. Marge: Oh.

— Advances in police science, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

[Burns takes the puppies out of a bath] Burns: There you are...there you go, little fellow...and you. [one of the puppies stands on its hind legs] [gasps] Smithers, look: he's standing up. I've never seen anything so adorable! Do you know who it reminds me of? Smithers: Benji? Burns: No. Smithers: Lassie? Burns: No, no, no, a person. You know who I mean. Smithers: Snoop Doggy Dogg? Bob Barker? David Brenner? Burns: No, no! The person who's always standing and walking. Smithers: Rory Calhoun? Burns: That's it!

— Twenty Questions, Monty style, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Smithers: Are you sure you want to go through with this, Sir? You _do_ have a very full wardrobe as it is. Burns: Yes...but not completely full. For you see... [singing] Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food, The only thing I'm hunting for is an outfit that looks good. [to the tune of "Be Our Guest"] See my vest, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest, Feel this sweater, there's no better than authentic Irish Setter. See this hat? 'Twas my cat. My evening wear? Vampire bat. These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. Grizzly bear underwear; turtles' necks, I've got my share. Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest; Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two, See my vest, see my vest, see my vest! [with hat and cane] Like my loafers? Former gophers! It was that or skin my chauffers, But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. So let's prepare these dogs -- Woman: Kill two for matching clogs! Burns: See my vest, see my vest, oh please, won't you see my vest? [spoken] I really like the vest. Smithers: I gathered, yeah.

— Disney, schmisney, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Lisa: He's going to make a tuxedo out of our puppies! [Bart hums "See my vest"] Bart! Bart: Sorry. You gotta admit, it's catchy.

— Alan Mencken's greatest reward, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Bart: I know, the window. Lisa: No, Bart! What are you doing? Bart: Dogs always land on their feet. Lisa: That's cats. Bart: No, it's dogs. I'll prove it. [drops a dog from six inches; it lands on its back] Best two out of three.

— The children try to rescue the hounds, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Lisa: Quick! Let's get the -- Burns: Going somewhere? Bart: That's impossible. How did you get here first? Burns: Oh, there'll be plenty of time for explanations later. Right now, I'll be taking my puppies back. Lisa: But they're ours. You stole them from us! Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares. [Lisa dials 911] Give me that!

— Threats taken literally, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Burns: But they're so wretchedly adorable. 25 little Rory Calhouns...I can't do it. But I can kill you. [Lisa whimpers like a puppy] No, I can't kill you either. Look at you, standing there on your hind legs like a couple of Rory Calhouns. [Lisa and Bart sigh] Lisa: Well, Mr. Burns, I hope you've realized the folly of killing innocent animals for fashion. Burns: [repentant] Oh, I have, I have! I swear I will never wear any clothing made from an animal. [to himself] That can do an amusing trick. [a long time later] Announcer: Another victory for Montgomery Burns' champion greyhounds. 25 dogs, 25 world champions which so far have earned their owner over ten million dollars. I'll bet whoever gave him those dogs is kicking themselves now. [Marge walks down to the basement and sees Homer's shadow dangling] Marge: Homer! For the love of God, no! Homer: [grunts] Marge, you know that batting this lightbulb is the only thing that cheers me up after giving away those million- dollar greyhounds.

— Homer releases his aggression, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"

Milhouse: This bus has seen better days. Bart: Well, at least it's safer than the old bus. [shot of old bus, propped up on blocks] [a leaf from a tree falls on it; it explodes] Milhouse: Uh oh, time to move: the hole's getting bigger. [they climb onto the seat in front as their seat falls through] Edna: Seymour, the children are playing in the hole again. Shouldn't you get that fixed? Skinner: Edna, you _know_ they just cut the school's budget. If I had the money I'd fix the exhaust leak in the back. Actually, I think it's causing some of our low test scores. [shot of the children in the back surrounded by smoke and drooling, except for Ralph Wiggum who looks normal]

— One a Wiggum, always a Wiggum, "The PTA Disbands"

Guide: This civil war cannon had been fully restored and is in ready-to- fire condition. But it's a good thing we're _not_ firing it because it happens to be aimed at the main support leg of that lookout tower. People don't realize that these cannons are very sensitive, and the slightest jolt could set them off. [the bus from Springfield Elementary arrives and skids into the cannon, knocking one of its wheels off] Of course, for safety reasons, we don't keep the cannon loaded: it's just common sense.

— A tour of Fort Springfield, "The PTA Disbands"

Skinner: Otto, why don't you get some more gas? Here's the "credit card". [hands him a length of siphoning pipe] Otto: [groaning] Oh... Skinner: And a mint for afterwards.

— Stupid afterwards mint!, "The PTA Disbands"

Skinner: Five dollars a child?! Last year it was free! Woman: Hmph, new ownership. [points to sign] ["Diz-Nee Historical Park; Sorry, but there's profit to be had."] Skinner: But we don't have that kind of money! In fact, no school could afford the -- [the brand new Shelbyville Elementary bus pulls up and disgorges its passengers] Valiant: Here's the admission, plus, er, something for you. See that they get a little extra education, would you? Woman: [bright] Yes sir, Principal Valiant! Skinner: He thinks he's so hot ever since he swept the Princi Awards. Those things are rigged...

— Second-rate Skinner, "The PTA Disbands"

Guide: On May 21, 1864, the men of the Ninth Bearded Infantry were sunning and fluffing their beards in the sun. Suddenly, enemy troops crested that hill over there. Man 1: Fort Springfield, we surrender unconditionally! Man 2: We're sick. We need leeches and hacksaws to saw off our gangrenous limbs! Guide: But the Springfield Brigade was too brave to accept the surrender. Man 3: Come on, boys! Those white flags are no match for our muskets. [they charge] Guide: And the Springfielders heroically slaughtered their enemies as they prayed for mercy. [the children watch the mayhem and cheer]

— Violence sells, "The PTA Disbands"

Bart: It's hard to see what's going on; I can only make out the fat soldiers. Skinner: All right, children, switch. [one of the soldiers spots the children] Man 4: Hey, they're trying to learn for free! Guide: [sees them] Get 'em! Man 3: Use your phony guns as clubs! Skinner: Run, children! [they take off, followed by the soldiers] Start the bus, Otto, start the bus! [Otto, siphoning, swallows some gasoline by accident and coughs] Otto: Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first. [starts the bus] OK, hop on! [the children, for the most part, do so] Uter: Wait, wait! [he stumbles; the soldiers catch up and surround him] Edna: Well, Seymour, because of your penny-pinching, we're coming back from a field trip with the fewest children yet. Skinner: God bless the man who invented permission slips. [kisses an armful of them]

— The field trip ends on a sour note, "The PTA Disbands"

Bart: Uh, I think I got your lunch. [holds up note: "I am very proud of you, Love, Mom"] Lisa: Oh yeah, I didn't think this was for me. [holds up note: "Be good. For the love of God, _please_ be good."]

— Bart and Lisa eat lunch, "The PTA Disbands"

Edna: Seymour, the teachers are fed up. You have to start putting money back into the school. You've cut back on everything: salaries, supplies, the food -- [takes a bite] -- I don't care what you say, I can taste the newspaper. Skinner: Posh. Shredded newspapers add much-needed ruffage and essential inks. Besides, you didn't notice the old gym mats. [Lunch Lady Doris feeds some into a grinder] Doris: There's very little meat in these gym mats. Edna: Our demands are very reasonable. By ignoring them, you're selling out these children's future! Skinner: Oh, come on, Edna: we both know these children _have_ no future! [all the children stop and look at him] [chuckles nervously] Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.

— The Skinnerian challenge, "The PTA Disbands"

Lisa: I've never seen them fight like that, Bart. I'm worried that all this posturing and saber-rattling could lead to a teachers' strike. Bart: [scheming] Strike, eh? [cracks his knuckles; they snap painfully] Ouch! My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of... [picks up milk carton, reads it] "Malk"?

— Now with Vitamin R, "The PTA Disbands"

Edna: How do you expect us to teach with these supplies? Well, this pointer's so old, it's worn down to a nub. Skinner: [takes it] It still points, doesn't it? Edna: Stop that! And look at this: the only books we have are ones that were banned by other schools. Skinner: Well, the kids have to learn about "Tek War" sooner or later. [walks off]

— Mmm, William Shatner, "The PTA Disbands"

Edna: Go away, Bart, this is not a good time. Bart: I saw you two fighting...I'm worried there could be a strike and the school would shut down. Edna: [scoffs] I'm sure you'd really hate that. There's not going to be a strike, Bart. Bart: Yeah...Skinner says you wouldn't have the won tons to go through with it. Edna: Skinner said _that_? Bart: Well, I had to clean it up a little. [in Skinner's office] Basically, Krabappel said you'd give the teachers everything they want. Skinner: She did? Bart: Yeah. She said you'd fold faster than Superman on laundry day. Skinner: We'll see about that. Simpson, I always thought you were... sneaky and manipulative. Now I see you're really a very sensitive little boy. Bart: Thank you, Sir. Skinner: Aww...

— Bart sows dissent, "The PTA Disbands"

Edna: Seymour, you're being _totally_ unfair and the teachers won't stand for it. Skinner: You don't have the guts to strike. Edna: You don't have the guts to take us all on. [they start walking away from each other] [Bart pokes his head out of a locker and makes chicken noises] [they turn around and glare] Skinner: That's it! Edna: Stee-rike! [over the PA, a struggle is heard] Skinner: Attention, this is an emergency broadcast: all is well in the school. My authority as principal is total -- [more struggling is heard] Give me that! Edna: Attention, teachers: we're on strike. [the kids murmur amongst themselves] Lisa: Strike? Ralph: Miss Hoover, are you on st -- Hoover: [skidding away in her car] Go home, children!

— Sounds like a "yes", "The PTA Disbands"

Marge: Bart, Lisa, what are you two doing home so early? Bart: Great news, Mom! Lisa: Horrible news, Mom! Bart: The school's on strike, maybe forever! [gasps] Oh, overload, pleasure overload...[kisses SLH, runs off] Lisa: Luckily I've prepared for this, so I'm not too worried. [opens up "Strike Preparedness Kit", turns on tape recorder] Hoover: [on tape] Sit up straight. Eyes forward. No talking. Is that gum? Is that gum? Is that gum? Lisa: Oh, yeah. Phew!

— Drastic measures, "The PTA Disbands"

Marge: Bart, leave that crowbar here. You know I don't like you prying and jimmying.

— Motherly chastisement, "The PTA Disbands"

Milhouse: Mom! Dad! Great news! The teachers are on -- Mrs. Van H: We heard. Mr. Van H: And we already hired a tutor. Tutor: Well, looks like we'll be staying late today to make up for all the dillydallying. Milhouse: [groaning] Oh...

— "The PTA Disbands"

Bart: You, with the crane! Spin around real fast! [crane operator shrugs, then does so] Now you! Dump three tons of sand onto that Porta-potty. [a man enters the Porta-potty as it gets covered] [the foreman walks up and grabs the megaphone] Foreman: [with Bart's voice] Hey! Can't you tell my voice from a ten- year-old kid's? [sighs] Ay, carumba!

— The joy of power, "The PTA Disbands"

Homer: Lousy teachers, trying to palm off our kids on us! Lisa: But, Dad, by striking, they're trying to effect a change in management so that they can be happier and more productive. Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

— Homer tells it like it is, "The PTA Disbands"

Lisa: I've got some textbooks but without state-approved syllabi and standardized testing my education can only go so far. Marge: Honey, maybe you should relax a little. Lisa: Relax? I can't relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or -- [groans] Only two synonyms? Oh my God: I'm losing my perspicacity! [runs off screaming] Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look.

— Tautologies, "The PTA Disbands"

Edna: Good news, people! [the other teachers cheer] I'm happy to announce that another union has joined us in a sympathy strike: the piano tuners' Local 412! [the teachers look at one another, confused] [a piano tuner stands outside a house with an out-of-tune piano and looks smug] Bart: [walking up] Now for Operation Strike-Make-Go-Longer. [to teacher] You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute. [the teachers whisper it forward through the line] Teacher: [to Edna] Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher. Edna: Well! We'll show him, especially for that "purple monkey dishwasher" remark. [everyone shouts their assent]

— Rabble rousing, "The PTA Disbands"

Tutor: Fifteen minute recess, Milhouse. The recess assignment is chapter three through seven. Milhouse: Yay! Recess! [tears outside] Bart: Milhouse! I found a hive of killer bees. You wanna go throw rocks at it? Milhouse: Sorry, Bart, I'm deeply immersed in the Teapot Dome scandal. Bart: Huh? Milhouse: However, it might be feasible in a fortnight. Bart: Wha? Milhouse: I can play in two weeks. Bart: Juh?

— Bart, master of the monosyllable, "The PTA Disbands"

Lisa: [panting] Grade me...look at me...evaluate and rank me! Oh, I'm good, good, good, and oh so smart! Grade me! [Marge scribbles an A on a piece of paper] [Lisa walks off, muttering crazily and sighing]

— "The PTA Disbands"

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat. Homer: [scoffs] I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster. Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome. [looks out window] Bart: [creepy voice] Hello, Mother dear. Marge: [closing the curtains] That's it: we have to get them back to school. Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in, chuckling nervously] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

— The last straw, "The PTA Disbands"

Ned: Well, all right, I'd like to call this meeting of the PTA to or-diddely-order. Let's see if we can't put an end to this strike fuss, huh? Mrs. Krabappel, why don't you begin? Skinner: Boo! Edna: Oh, "boo" yourself. Our demands are simple: a small cost-of- living increase and some better equipment and supplies for your children. Audience: Yeah! Give it to them! etc. Skinner: Yeah, in a dream world. We have a very tight budget; to do what she's asking, we'd have to raise taxes. Audience: Raise taxes? They're too high as they are. Taxes are bad. etc. Edna: It's your children's future. Audience: That's right. Children are important. etc. Skinner: It'll cost you. Audience: No to taxes. My God, they're going to raise taxes. etc. Edna: C'mon! Audience: She makes a good case. Good point. etc. Skinner: [rubs his fingertips together] Audience: More taxes? The finger thing means the taxes. etc. Ned: Well, I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree. Skinner: I don't agree to that. Edna: Neither do I!

— So much for being conciliatory, "The PTA Disbands"

Ned: Ho, ho, this is a dilly of a pickle. Man: Oh my God...the PTA has disbanded! [jumps out a window] Ned: No, no! The PTA has not disbanded. [the man reverses his path through the window and sits down] We do have an emergency plan in case of a prolonged strike right here. [opens a briefcase] Let's see..."Replace teachers with super-intelligent cyborgs. Or, if cyborgs aren't invented yet, use people from the neighborhood."

— Long-term planning by the PTA, "The PTA Disbands"

Jasper: Talking out of turn...that's a paddling. Looking out the window...that's a paddling. Staring at my sandals...that's a paddling. Paddling the school canoe...ooh, you better believe that's a paddling. Lisa: [groaning] Oh...

— Lisa's substitute, "The PTA Disbands"

Frink: N'hey hey! Ahem, n'hey, so the compression and expansion of the longitudinal waves cause the erratic oscillation -- you can see it there -- of the neighboring particles. [a girl raises her hand] [sighs] Yes, what is it? What? What is it? Girl: Can I play with it? Frink: No, you can't play with it; you won't enjoy it on as many levels as I do. [he chuckles as he plays with it] The colors, children!

— Professor Frink explains the physics of a toy, "The PTA Disbands"

Moe: OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath? [everyone laughs] All right, settle down. Anita Bath here? [everyone laughs] All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks. [everyone laughs] Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh: I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well children, I can't help that! [runs out crying] Bart: [sighing] Ah... [crosses Moe's name off list of substitute teachers] Milhouse: Wow, Bart, I'm impressed the way you knocked off all those substitutes. Bart: In my weaker moments, I almost pity them. Then I just remind myself, they're trying to teach.

— Nefarious Bart, "The PTA Disbands"

Skinner: Well, children, I don't know what you did to all those substitutes, but it's going to stop now. Leopold? Leopold: [bursting in] All right, you listen up, you little _freaks_. The fun stops here: you're going to shut your stinking traps and behave, dammit! This is one substitute you're not going to screw with! [Martin and Wendell swallow uncomfortably] Marge Simpson! [she walks in] [Bart swallows uncomfortably] Marge: Hi, class! Hi Bart...over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi! Hey! Hello? Bart: [groaning] Ohh...

— No groaning in my class, "The PTA Disbands"

Marge: Well, I'm sure some of you already know me. I'm Bart Simpson's mother. [everyone laughs; Nelson pushes Bart] [Marge goes up to Bart and starts wiping dirt off his cheek] Bart: Mom! Milhouse: Hey, Bart! What about the booby trap? [Bart gasps, runs up to the front, removes tack from chair] Bart: May I? [pulls out her chair] Marge: Thank you. Everyone: Teacher's pet! Momma's boy! etc. Milhouse: I meant the other booby trap! [Bart gasps, dives for Marge, pushes her out of the way] [a huge log crashes into the blackboard] Marge: Oh, kids have been doing that one since my day.

— The youth of yesteryear, "The PTA Disbands"

Homer: [expansive] So, how was everybody's day at school? Bart: Horrifying! Lisa: Pointless! Marge: Exhausting. It took the children forty minutes to locate Canada on the map. Homer: Marge, anyone can miss Canada, all tucked away down there. Lisa: Well, _my_ teacher's a nightmare. Three kids got sick from inhaling his ointment fumes, he confiscated everything made of tin, and then he sent us home early because he got his beard caught in the pencil sharpener. [at school, Abe tries to help Jasper get out of it] [Abe turns the crank; Jasper gets pulled in a bit] Abe: Oh! Oh, um, OK, um, hmm...um, here. [turns it some more; Jasper gets pulled in more] D'oh! OK, uh, OK, let's see, um...what if I did this? [turns it some more; Jasper gets pulled in more] Um...you're on your own. [runs off] Lisa: There's no way I'll get into an ivy league school now. At this rate I probably won't even get into Vassar. Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!

— Homer, defender of the faith, "The PTA Disbands"

Bart: Look, Mom, it feels really weird having you on my turf. How would you feel if I started mopping the floor? Marge: I'd be thrilled. You can start right now. Bart: [angry] Oh! Marge: And I'm going to keep teaching your class, like it or lump it. Bart: Well, then, I guess I'll just have to get into the crawlspace again. [runs off] Marge: I hate it when he gets in there. [pounds the wall with a broom]

— "The PTA Disbands"

Bart: Psst! Over here. Marge: Huh? Bart: Mom, I need a dollar. Ever since you started teaching here kids have been taking my lunch money, and I need that money for candy. Marge: Mmm, here you go precious. Now, go off with your friends. [pushes him towards Jimbo, Dolph, and Nelson] Jimbo: "Here you go, precious." [they start beating him up] Bart: Why isn't my mom stopping this? Jimbo: We created a diversion. Marge: That's a very nice jig, Kearney. Now isn't dancing much more fun than bullying? Kearney: [chuckles] Yeah.

— Kearney the sissy, "The PTA Disbands"

Bart: That's it, I can't take this any more, Milhouse. I've got to get the real teachers back. Milhouse: Bart, you'll never get Krabappel and Skinner together again. They're like two positively charged ions. Bart: Zuh? Wait! That's it! With your booksmarts, and my ability to exploit people with booksmarts, we can figure out a clever plan to get them back together! [later] Edna: A surprise party for _me_? In Principal Skinner's office? Well, I don't know, but...all right. Skinner: Me? Go to my office? Well, it's highly irregular, but all right. [Bart padlocks them into the office] Bart: And you're not coming out until you reach an agreement!

— The clever plan, "The PTA Disbands"

Edna: Well, Seymour, I guess we could start talking. Skinner: What's the point? There's no more money, unless you've got some magic new source of revenue. Edna: Well, we've _got_ to think something up. They've got us locked in here like prisoners. Skinner: Prisoners in our own school...hey! [they gasp at one another]

— A plan begins to form, "The PTA Disbands"

Skinner: This is a great way to make extra money, renting out our cloakrooms to our overcrowded prison system. Snake: Yo, I used to sit right over there. [the other prisoner snatches a piece of Martin's shirt] [he moves his desk quickly away] Edna: It's all right, children, just ignore the murderer. Skinner: And, as a bonus, some of our more troublesome students might be scared straight. Snake: Psst! Kid, help me break out of here. I'll _totally_ make it worth your while. Bart: [smiling] I'm listening...

— Or scared crooked, whatever, "The PTA Disbands"

Smithers: Uck. My mouth tastes like an ashtray. [burps up a mouthful of cigarette butts] [opens bathroom door, sees someone in the shower] [opens glass shower door] Burns: [humming] Doo doo doo, doo doo, dee. [turns around] Smithers, wait your turn. There's plenty of hot water for all. Smithers: Sir...you _weren't_ shot! [sighs] It was all a dream. Burns: [turns off shower] That's right. The year is 1965, and you and I are undercover detectives on the hot rod circuit. [puts on helmet] Now, let's burn rubber, baby!

— Smithers wakes up from his nightmare, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Kent: Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. [scene shows Burns being loaded into an ambulance] At three p.m. Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at town hall. [still shots of Burns and town hall] Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. [scene shows Marvin Monroe Memorial Hospital] He was then transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to "alive". [scene shows Springfield General hospital] Now let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum. Wiggum: [eating an ice cream] Oh. Oh, hiya, Kent. Ahem. Uh, right now, we are questioning two witnesses who were in the vicinity at the time. [scene shows Lou holding a photo of Smithers at someone] Lou: Did you see this guy? Was he anywhere near the parking lot when Burns got shot? [camera shows Maggie and SLH being questioned] Eddie: No, it's no use. They ain't talking.

— Bad cops, bad cops, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Lisa: Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns, even us. [everyone groans in agreement] Bart, he broke your dog's legs. Grampa, he destroyed your home. And Dad -- well, you kind of went berserk when he couldn't remember your name. Homer: {[screaming] Berserk is right! [quietly] May I have some iced tea, please?} Bart: Aren't we forgetting someone...Sister Suspect? Lisa: [chuckling sheepishly] I was just getting to me. Because of Mr. Burns, they canceled my jazz program, and my friend Tito Puente got fired...but _I_ could never shoot someone. Bart: Could so. Lisa: Could not. Bart: Could so. Lisa: Could not. Bart: Could so! Lisa: Could not! Homer: [interrupting] Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're _both_ potential murderers.

— A loving, bias-free father, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Marge: [hopeful] The police already have a suspect: it's Mr. Smithers. [everyone talks animatedly about how plausible that is] Abe: Yeah, Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. [leaves] Lisa: We don't have an outhouse. Homer: [gasps] My toolshed! Oh Dad --

— It's a house, and it's outside, ain't it?, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Smithers: Oh...could I have shot Mr. Burns in a drunken rage? No, no, not me. I know in my heart I -- [reaches into trenchcoat inside pocket] [gasps] A gun! [sniffs barrel] And it's been recently fired. Wait...I remember leaving the town meeting... [flash to out-of-focus shot of Smithers' feet weaving down sidewalk] [a shadow walks up] [voiceover] I must have run into Mr. Burns outside and -- [Smithers grapples with shadow, pulls gun, and shoots] [in the present] Mr. Burns! What have I done? [falls on ground, weeps] [a giant muffler walks by and slips a flyer into his pocket]

— Thanks, giant muffler!, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Moe: Hey, Homer: us hotheads here is going to go tear down Burns' sun- blocking machine. You want to come with? Homer: Sure. I've had it up to here with these damn rickets! [waddles toward tow truck]

— The perils of lack of sunlight, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Krusty: {Um, er...what town did we just crush?} Skinner: {Shelbyville.} Everyone: {Yay!}

— The infernal machination of hell's grim tyrant is laid to rest, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Smithers: Mmm...this guilt is driving me _mad_! I've _got_ to tell someone. [walks into a church; goes to the confession booth] Father, I'm not a Catholic, but...well, I _tried_ to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade. But anyway, I've got a...rather large sin to confess. [sniffles] I'm the one who...shot Mr. Burns! Wiggum: [pokes head out, cocks gun] That's all I needed to hear! Boy, this thing works great.

— The wonder of confession, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Smithers: The man became consumed by greed. He'd steal from anyone! [flashback to part one] Smithers: This isn't a rival company you're battling with, it's a school. People won't stand for it. Burns: Pish posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby! Say, that sounds like a larf. [back to the present] Smithers: And when he tried to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy. Colossos: {[in prison cell] Bah! He was a rank amateur compared to Dr. Colossos! [laughs maniacally]} {[pushes "Colosso Boots" button in his belt, hits head on ceiling]} {Ow! Ooh. Aw, when is my lawyer coming?}

— Springfield's evilest super-villain, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Shutton: Uh, Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper. Who are you? Where are you going? Kent: Oh, do your research, Shutton! Uh, Kent Brockman, Channel Six News. How does it feel to be accused of the attempted murder of your boss and mentor? Smithers: Kent, I...I feel about as low as Madonna when she found out she missed Tailhook. Kent: Oh. I'm going to say "Ouch" for Madonna! Krusty: [watching] Hey! That's _my_ Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag! Mel: And _you_ stole it from last Friday's episode of "Pardon My Zinger". Krusty: Stole, made up, what's the difference?

— Attributing the source, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Mel: Mr. Smithers must have seen that program too! He never misses it. [puffs pipe] Hmm...at the town meeting, he mentioned that he watched Comedy Central. I made sure to note that, as it seemed quite unusual. Ye Gods! To the police station, Krusty. [the two burst in] Mel: I am Melvin van Horne. And this is my associate Herschel Krustofsky. Krusty: Hey hey. Mel: Officers: you have arrested an innocent man. Wiggum: Really? {Aw, jeez. [pushes a button] All right, Colossos, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain.} Colossos: {[sulky] But all my stuff is there!} Mel: {[clears throat] I was referring to Waylon Smithers.}

— Elementary, my dear...Herschel?, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Mel: Mr. Burns was shot Friday at three p.m., the very time that Smithers was at home watching "Pardon My Zinger". So you see, he couldn't have done it. Smithers: [gasps] Yes, you're right! I remember now, I watched that entire show. In fact -- [flash to shot of Smithers's feet weaving down sidewalk] Smithers: [voice over] I left the town meeting early so I could get home in time. [in flashback] [slurred] Ohh, I've got to run or I'll miss the opening rank-out. [a shadow approaches in front] Get of my way, please -- Jasper: Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walking, not for fancy walking. Smithers: Get out of my way, I'm in a hurry. Jasper: You simmer down, I'll let you go. [Smithers pulls a gun, shoots] [back to the present] Smithers: So...instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse! Krusty: {About 50,000 volts worse, if you know what I mean! [makes electrocuting sound effects]}

— Krusty's legendary sympathy, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Wiggum: Wait a minute. If the second old geezer got shot, how come nobody reported it? [at the old folks home, they pound on door 26] [Jasper answers] Wiggum: Uh, hi. Um...can we take a look at your leg? Jasper: [pulling off his prosthesis] That's real spruce. You like it? Smithers: [seeing the bullet lodged in the leg] Thank God! Sir, I only hope you can forgive me for shooting your wooden leg. Jasper: You shot who in the what, now? Wiggum: OK, Smithers, you're free to go. And you...one question. Do you know who shot Mr. Burns? 'Cause we are _really_ up the creek on this one, heh heh.

— It can't hurt to ask, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Kent: And with the prime suspect cleared and found completely innocent, we must now ask ourselves: who could possibly be as bloodthirsty as Waylon Smithers? Marge: I guess it's never the most likely suspect. Lisa: Actually, Mom, in 95\% of cases, it is. The rest of the time, it's usually some deranged lunatic who did it for no reason. [everyone looks at Homer] Homer: Hey! I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name. [flashback to part one] Burns: Who the devil are you? Homer: [loses it, rushes Burns] Homer Simpson! Burns: You're just babbling incoherently. Homer: My name is Homer Simpson... [back to the present] Lisa: Well I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder. Abe: Eh...you never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong. Lisa: Nancy Drew says that all you need to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this. Marge: Mmmmm...I think you're a little young to be investigating an attempted murder. Why don't you try to solve the mystery of who put that mud in the freezer? Bart: Who wants chocolate ice cream? Homer: Me, me, me!

— Abe, ever optimistic, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Wiggum: OK, boys, we've got a clue: the bullet they took out of Burns. Now, let's discuss the, um...[picks up Agatha Christie book] mo- tive. Lisa: Mr. Burns is the richest man in town. Maybe it's about money. Wiggum: That's some good thinkin', Lou. Lou: Aw, thanks, Chief. Lisa: [below desk level] Hey! I said that.

— Out of sight, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Lisa: My name is Lisa Simpson and I made a chart of all the suspects in the Burns case. Look! [holds up a card] Mr. Burns hurt all these people financially. Nightclub owner Moe Szyslak: his bar was closed because of Burns' negligence. Liquor connoisseur Barney Gumbel: when Moe's closed, Barney lost his only means of support -- sucking coins out of the Love Tester machine. Eddie: {That's a _real_ good way to get sick.} Lisa: Dedicated educator Principal Seymour Skinner: his school lost millions when Burns pirated its oil well. And grounds tender Groundskeeper Willy: he lost his job and his dream of owning a fine crystal slop bucket. Wiggum: Hey, what about that jazz teacher that got laid off? You know, uh, Mr. Samba? Senor Mambo? What was it? Lisa: Tito Puente? Wiggum: Yeah. Lisa: Well, he _did_ vow revenge, heh heh. [pause] But I can't see him doing something illegal. He's in show business, he's a celebrity -- Wiggum: Let's roll, boys.

— Wiggum's wind gets up, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Tito: Revenge? Of course. But why wound his body with bullets when I could set his soul afire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge -- uno, dos, tres! [band starts playing salsa music] Singer: Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song Burns will always carry with him. [shot of Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou bobbing to the beat] So I'll settle my score on the salsa floor With this vengeful Latin rhythm. [shots of chef with tray of clams opening their mouths in rhythm and man at condom machine buying many condoms] Chorus: Burns! [trumpet riff] Singer: Con un corazo'n de perro. Chorus: Sen~or Burns! [trumpet riff] Singer: El diablo con dinero. [mambo riff] It may not surprise you, but all of us despise you Please die, and fry in hell You rotten rich old wretch -- Adios viejo. [trumpet riff] Wiggum: [clapping] Yeah! OK, OK, I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all our suspects are this much fun.

— Tito Puente clears his name, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Skinner: I _did_ go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. When it adjourned, I rushed to the lavatory to apply my camouflage makeup -- [flashback to Skinner in washroom] Skinner: [with eyeshadow and lipstick on] Blast! I took _Mother's_ makeup kit by mistake. Chalmers: [walking in] Ooh, er, excuse me, ma'am. Skinner: [gasps] Superintendent Chalmers! Chalmers: [slowly] Oh my God... [a shot sounds outside] [back to the present] Wiggum: So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts? Skinner: Oh, yes. But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.

— Ring-a-ding-ding, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Willy: I'm telling ye, I could nay have shot Burns. [uncrosses, then recrosses, his legs; everyone groans] Eddie: [cocking pistol] This is your last warning about that. Willy: It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingerrrs. Look at 'em! [holds them up] I got it from "Space Invaders" in 1977. Wiggum: Aw, yeah. That was a pretty addictive video game. Willy: [surprised] Video game?

— More shooting aliens on a faraway planet, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns? Moe: No! [buzz] All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him. [ding] Eddie: Checks out. OK, sir, you're free to go. Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] _A_ date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. [buzz] [weakly] Sears catalog. [ding] [angry] Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]

— Moe vs. the polygraph machine, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Marge: Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the back yard but the gun wasn't there. Have you seen it? Abe: You accuse me of everything around here? "Who put slippers in the dishwasher?" "Who threw a cane at the TV?" {"Who fell into the china hutch?"} Marge: I was just asking if you'd seen it. There's no need to be a prickly pear. {[walks out]} Abe: {[pulls gun from shirt] Oh, you're the bee's knees, baby. I missed you bad.} Marge: {Are you talking to me, Grampa?} Abe: {Um...yes?} Marge: {Ew...}

— Old people's yucky affection, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Wiggum: We're still not close. Boy! This is going to be an all-night brain-buster. [rolls chair over to coffee machine] Oh, we're out of coffee! Oh, well, I'll just drink this warm cream. [does so, falls asleep]

— With stained whiskers, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Wiggum: [awakening] Oh! Oh. Eddie: I had an idea, Chief: why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he got shot? Wiggum: Did you have that same backwards-talking dream with flaming cards? Eddie: [pause] I'll drive.

— To protect and serve, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

DNA guy: Ooh, nice eyelash. Yours? Wiggum: No. We need to find out who it belonged to. We want a DNA test. DNA guy: Ooh, ooh, ee, ooh, ooh, that takes, uh, eight to ten weeks. Wiggum: [sighs, hands him a carton of cigarettes] DNA guy: Did I say weeks? 'Cause I meant seconds. [runs over to another machine, grabs a card from it; puts it in a computer] Wiggum: What do you got, the whole town's DNA on file? DNA guy: Y'uh huh. If you've ever handled a penny, the government's got your DNA. Why do you think they keep 'em in circulation?

— Little-known facts, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Lisa: Hey! Chief Wiggum, what are you doing? What's going on? Wiggum: I'm sorry, kid, we got Simpson DNA on Burns' clothing and your father was identified by the old man himself. Everyone: [gasps] Bart: [scoffing] DNA, positive ID -- those won't hold up in any court. Run, Dad! [Homer runs into Lou] Lou: Hey ho! Look what I found under Mr. Simpson's car seat. [holds up a revolver with rubber gloves] [Eddie dusts it for prints] Homer: I swear, I've never seen that gun before! Eddie: [grabbing a glass from Homer's hand] Then why are your fingerprints all over it, Sir? Homer: Aah! [Wiggum opens the chamber and pulls out a bullet] Wiggum: This bullet matches the one we pulled out of Mr. Burns! Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder. Homer: [getting cuffed] D'oh! Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "D'oh".

— Criminal minds, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Wiggum: We need two cups of coffee, and two orders of bite-sized breakfast pancakes. With extra dipping sauce. Kid: Please pull up to the service window, please. Wiggum: [tries] The wagon's too tall! Oh, I don't want to have to get out. Ehh, I'll just drive up on the curb. [does so, leans out window to grab order] [van starts tipping] Wiggum: Almost got it... Lou: Drop the food, chief! [van falls over; back door opens and Homer stands up] [Jasper pulls up in an old car] Jasper: [honks] Damn fools! Drive Thru's not for a-parking. [floors it, then skids to halt, pushing the van out forward] [Homer hobbles in front of it, trying to avoid it] Kid: Diane? I'm going to take my break now.

— He saw nothing, you can't prove anything, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Nick: [opening the door] Hi, everybody! Burns: Ho, mer-Simp son! Nick: OK, that was a little strange. Um, tell me: how are you feeling today? Burns: Homer. Simpson, Homer. D'oh...Simpson. Nick: Hmm. That seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?

— The new medical scientific method, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Marge: The police have such a strong case against Homer. Mr. Burns said he did it, they have Homer's DNA -- Lisa: They have Simpson DNA! It could have come from any of us, except you, since you're a Bouvier. Marge: No! No, no, when I took your father's name, I took everything that came with it -- including DNA. Lisa: [giving up] OK, Mom.

— Marge, literal-minded, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Lisa: Anyway, my point is, the evidence isn't as concrete as it seems. Like those fingerprints: they could have gotten on the gun some other way. [flashback to Lisa in the car with Homer] Lisa: Are you sure you don't want me to hold one of your ice cream cones? Homer: [driving with his knees] Pfft. Yeah, right. You chose fruit, you live with fruit. [one scoop falls out of the cone] D'oh! [reaches under seat] [touches Pipin' Hot Bread 8-track] No... [touches pineapple air freshener] No... [touches gun] No... [touches lollipop] Ew! Why is this on the floor? [puts it in his pocket] [back to present] Lisa: And we don't even know whose gun that was! Maybe somebody planted it there to frame Dad. Marge: No, we can't start thinking that way about our own family members. Suspicion could tear us apart. Abe: {That's right. We've all got to stick together if we're going to have any hope of bringing that awful Homer to justice.}

— Parental love, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Wiggum: Here is a photo of the fugitive from our files. [holds up picture of Homer in "Haig in '88" T-shirt] And now, Waylon Smithers, uh, who's been a _real_ good sport about that wrongful arrest thing -- whew! Heh -- has a, er, statement that he would like to make. Waylon? Smithers: Thank you. As Montgomery Burns' closest friend, I am certain there's nothing he would want more than swift, brutal revenge against Homer Simpson. Therefore I am offering a $50,000 reward for his capture -- dead or alive. [everyone bustles off] Wiggum: Oh, wow. Me first! Me first!

— Justice is blind, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Burns: Homer Simpson? Homer: So, you finally learned my name, eh? Burns: [shaking head] Homer Simpson. Homer: [freaked out] I've got no time for your demented parlor games. You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you... [reaches to strangle Burns]

— Tense scene in the hospital room, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Lisa: Stop! Don't shoot my Dad. He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly! [they open the door] Burns: [being strangled and shaken] Ho-mer Simp-son! Ho-mer Simp-son! Homer: Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me. Burns: [grunting] What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me? Homer: [loses it] D'ohhh! [grabs a gun, cocks it as Burns' head] Say it, Burns: say I never shot you! Before. Burns: [jovial] Shot? [chuckles] By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was -- [looks around, sees his assailant] Aah! Aah! Aah! M-Maggie Simpson!

— The truth revealed, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Burns: Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid, but finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I gave up and collapsed on the sundial. Lisa: Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S... or, from your point of view, M and S. Burns: What? No! With my last ounce of strength, I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have sticky fingers.

— Not if you're a Stonecutter, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Marge: Well, I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and that you've recovered and that we can all get back to normal. If Maggie could talk I'm sure she'd apologize for shooting you. Burns: I'm afraid that's insufficient. Officer: arrest the baby! Wiggum: Hah. Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world's going to convict a baby. Mmm...maybe Texas.

— Not if you have a lucky hat, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"

Marge: Aren't you glad we got out of the house and came downtown for a little culture? Homer: Peh. They're butchering the classics. Could that bassoon have come in any more late? Marge: Aw, come on, Homer, there's lasers. You like lasers... Homer: Laser effects, mirrored balls...John Williams must be rolling around in his grave. [the music segues from "Star Wars" to "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star"] Hibbert: [chuckles] Devilishiously satirical! I wonder if anyone else got that.

— The Boston Pops, the modern equivalent of death, "The Springfield Connection"

Homer: Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper- lower-middle class types, so avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone. Snake: Three-Card Monte. Homer: Woo hoo! Easy money! [runs over] Marge: Homer, these games are fixed. Homer: Then how come that guy's winning? Man: [looks and sounds like Snake] Whoa, I, like, totally won again. Snake: Way to go, bro!

— Sincere viperine adulation, "The Springfield Connection"

Snake: Just pick the red card, it's totally not hard. [shuffles them a bit] Homer: Twenty on this one, my good man. [puts a $20 dows] Snake: [flips it] Sorry, my good man: black. [Marge turns the other two cards over; they're both black] Marge: Homer, he cheated you! [spectators grumble angrily] Snake: Surely you don't blame _me_! Marge: It's people like _you_ who are ruining our downtown promenades and piazzas. How dare you prey on the greedy and stupid like this!

— A motherly scolding, "The Springfield Connection"

Wiggum: Cuff him, boys. We're putting this dirtbag away. Snake: Huh! I'll be back on the street in 24 hours. Wiggum: We'll try to make it twelve. [Homer arrives in a car, still panting] Homer: Marge, are you OK? Marge: Uh, I think I'm OK. It was scary, but...in a weird way, it was also kind of exhilarating. Homer: Yes, it _is_ exhilarating to see the police get their man and save a hysterical woman. Marge: Oh, for crying out loud -- Homer: Easy now, sweetheart, Homey's here. Marge: Mmm...

— Secrets of a successful marriage, "The Springfield Connection"

Lisa: Hey Mom, is this how you caught him? [throws Bart to the ground with his arm behind his back] Bart: [panting] Face it, Lis, you're too puny to -- aah! Ow! Lisa: Heh heh heh... Marge: Lisa, unhand your brother. [Lisa laughs unkindly, does so] Bart: Yeah, like that really hurt. [walks away] [groaning] Oh... Lisa: Mom, was catching that guy _the_ most incredibly exciting thing you've ever done? Marge: Well, it _was_ pretty exciting...but celery soup's pretty exciting too! [chops up the celery, grunting with each piece]

— The many forms of excitement, "The Springfield Connection"

Wiggum: All right, get in there. Lou: You're going _down_. Eddie: I want a piece of him. Wiggum: You think you're pretty hot, huh? Well, we got everything we need on you. [everyone grabs a piece of the pizza] Marge: [knocking] Uh, excuse me? Wiggum: What? What? What what what what what? This better be about pizza. Marge: Uh, actually, I'm interested in becoming a police officer. [everyone laughs for a long time, gradually it fades] Wiggum: Welcome aboard.

— Bizzare police initiation, "The Springfield Connection"

Homer: You did _what_?! Bart: I borrowed your nail clipper. What's the big deal? Homer: Nothing. I'm just a little edgy since your mother told me she wants to be a cop. Bart: Cool! Will you bring me along when you do evictions? Marge: You got it, little buddy! Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man...which makes me the woman. I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear (which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing). Marge: Homer, there's no reason for you to feel threatened. You'll always be the man of this house. Homer: Aw, thanks honey. [they kiss; Homer bends one of his knees coquettishly]

— Gender-bending heaven, "The Springfield Connection"

Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is _not_ something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge. Man: Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?! Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name. Man: I've had it up to here with your "rules"! [walks off]

— Stacy Koons in training, "The Springfield Connection"

Bart: Wow, Mom, I never pictured you as any kind of authority figure before. Homer: Marge, I want you to take care of yourself out there. You've become very dear to me. Marge: Oh, Homey, of course I will. Lisa: Mom, if someone shot at the mayor, would you have to throw yourself in front of him and take the bullet? Marge: I suppose I would. Bart: What if they shot at a Coke machine? Marge: No. Bart: TV? Marge: No. Bart: TV with a picture of the mayor on it? Lisa: Whatever you do, Mom, we'll be proud of you. Marge: Well thank you, honey. Lisa: As long as it's constitutional. Marge: Mmm. Homer, give me my pepper spray! Homer: Oh, Marge, one squirt and you're south of the border! [eats something] Mmm, incapacitating...[his eyes water]

— Marge's first day on the beat, "The Springfield Connection"

Wiggum: All right, settle, people. People, settle. People! Ward and Van Zuylen, stake out Donut Land: when they fry up a fresh batch, call it in. Keneally and Earhart, back 'em up. Fitz and Garcia, it's your turn to sleep in. [they remove their caps and don nightcaps] And Simpson, seeing how this is your first day, you're inexperienced and vulnerable. Your beat is Junkyville and Bumtown.

— The first-day assignments, "The Springfield Connection"