Movie Trivia

Homer: So anywho, last night we're playing poker, right? As usual, I'm winning and not realizing it, and Lenny says that I'm, er -- [laughs] -- get this -- [laughs] -- a little slow! [laughs a lot] [stops] How come you're not laughing? Do you think I'm slow? Bart: Buh. [looks away] Lisa: Sla. [looks away] [Maggie sucks her pacifier] Marge: {Uh, we don't think you're slow. On the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.} Homer: {You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge: they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, [puts head on table, pounds fist] but they won't! They won't let me live! [sobs]}

— Six hours of TV a day, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: Oh, who am I kidding? I _am_ slow. Marge: Oh, Homey, if you feel so bad about yourself, there's always things you can do to feel better. Homer: Take another bath in malt liquor? Marge: There's that...or you could take an adult education course. Homer: Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine- making course and I forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how.

— Something to be really proud of, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: Wait a minute...even Lenny is teaching a class! Look at the way they admire and adore him. [everyone drools 'baccy, dreamily watching Lenny] That's it. If he can teach a class, _he_ can teach a class -- I mean, _I_ can teach a class! [in the Administrator's office] Admin: What is your area of expertise? Homer: Well, I can tell the difference between butter and "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" Admin: No you can't, Mr. Simpson! No one can. Homer: Oh, I've failed again. Everyone can teach a class but me. I'm an idiot! What am I going to tell my wife and kids? Admin: Oh, you're married? Homer: That depends...is there another way to get this job? [blinks engagingly] Admin: No...Mr. Simpson, what I mean is, we may have a job for you after all. We need someone to teach a course on how to build a successful marriage. Homer: I'll do it. _Anything_ to get me out of that house away from all that nagging, and noise...of a family of love. Sha na na na...

— Quickly backpedaling, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: Look, everyone: now that I'm a teacher, I've sewed patches on my elbows! [shows his elbow] Marge: Homer, that's supposed to be _leather_ patches on a _tweed_ blazer, not that other way around! You've ruined a perfectly good jacket! Homer: Ah -- incorrect, Marge. _Two_ perfectly good jackets. [holds up jacket with patches cut out of the back]

— At least he can add one and one, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Lisa: _I_ think it's great you're a teacher, Dad. So, will be you lecturing from a standardized text or using the more socratic method of interactive class participation? Homer: [pause] [condescending] Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.

— Slow? Nah, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

[Homer drives to Flanders' house; rings doorbell] Ned: Well, Homer, what a pleasant -- Homer: Can't talk now, Flanders. _I've_ got a class to teach. Ned: Heh, but you rang my -- [Homer speeds away. He stops at a Krusty Burger Drive-Thru] Kid: Can I take your order? Homer: Nothing for me today. _I've_ got a class to teach. Kid: Sir, it's a felony to tease the order box. [Homer speeds away. Goes through a red light at an intersection; cars skid around him] Homer: It's all right! I'm a teacher. Hoover: I didn't know we could do that! [speeds through light]

— You can, but not legally, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: All right. The first thing they told me to do was to make sure everyone here is in the right class. [gets tobacco spat on him] Down the hall, room twelve. Man: [mouth full] Thank you. Homer: [gets more spat on him] Ew. OK, let's get started. Uh...um...umm...hmm. Woman: [whispers to classmate] Homer: [pointing] No talking! [clears throat] Uh...{hmm. Hmm. Oh!...hmm...no. Uh...hmm.} Skinner: Um, how about if we tell you about our problems with relationships? Homer: Yeah...yeah! That'll eat up some time.

— Really earning his pay as a teacher, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Otto: My standards are just too high, you know? I feel like nobody's good enough for me. [a flea falls from his hair] Oh. You think you got 'em all, but you forget about the eggs! Hutz: My problem is I'm a real user of women. I move in right away and stay until the money's gone. Edna: Well I'm a smart woman, but I make bad choices. [Hutz whispers to her] Oh, ho ho ho. OK, here's a set of house keys and my ATM card. Smithers: Um, I was married once, but, er, I just didn't know how to keep it together. [black & white flashback to Southern Belle on a bed] Belle: Come on, Waylon. Make love to me the way you used to! Smithers: [pouring a drink] No! Belle: It's that horrible Mr. Burns, isn't it? Smithers: [screaming] You leave Mr. Burns out of this! [sweeps drinks off table] Burns: [outside] Smithers! [Smithers walks out joyfully] Smithers!

— Many a Springfieldian skeleton, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Smithers: Mr. Simpson, are you listening? [Homer eats an orange] Simpson?! Homer: Huh? Yeah, I was listening. Very funny. Moe: Oh, you were not! You were just eating a damn orange. Homer: Well, yes, yes, to the untrained eye, I'm eating an orange, But to the eye that has brains, I'm making a point about marriage! For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange. First, you have the skin...then the sweet, sweet innards... [devours it] Apu: I don't understand...? Willy: {If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange-eating class! [in the orange-eating class]} Hans: {The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage.} Abe: {Just eat the damn oranges!}

— Oranges and marriage: an unusual parallel, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: [seeing everyone leaving] Oh, I told Marge this wouldn't work the other night in bed! [everyone hears "bed", turns around, interested] Moe: So something wasn't working in bed, huh? Heh heh heh. Homer: No, that's not what I meant! Marge and I always talk things over in bed. Like the other night we were fighting about money. Skinner: Ooh, a fight! Moe: Trouble in paradise, huh? Heh heh heh. Homer: I was telling Marge we could save some money if she only dyed her hair once a month. Edna: [gasps] Marge dyes her hair? Homer: Oh, yeah. She's been as grey as a mule since she was seventeen.

— Her name wasn't Brian McGee, however, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: I went on for hours, and they were hanging on my every word! I really think I was born to teach. Wiggum: [pulls up, draws gun] All right, Simpson! You were warned about teasing box. Homer: Aah! [drives away] Kid: Wait! I need closure on that anecdote.

— "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Apu: Oh, Mrs. Simpson: it may interest to you to know we're having a sale on blue dye #52. It is your hair color, I believe. Marge: Whatever do you mean? I don't die my hair. [sheepish laughter] Moe: Naw, naw, you got it wrong, 'pu. She's blue #56. Marge: I don't know what you're talking about. [walks off] Edna: We just love your husband's class. Marge: [driving away] That's nice...

— A fine cover-up, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Marge: Homer, I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class. Homer: Marge, I didn't tell 'em personal stuff. Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair! Homer: Oh, you mean about you. All right, maybe I said some things, some personal things. But you should have seen them, Marge: they really wanted to hear what I had to say -- Marge: Mmm, I'm happy about that. But I think you can be a good teacher and still respect our privacy. Homer: Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. _I'm_ the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! _You're_ out of order. The whole freaking _system_ is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown. Marge: Homer, don't _ever_ tell them personal stuff about me again! Homer: [meek] Yes ma'am.

— High reference density, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: Now, what is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary describes a wedding as, "The process of removing weeds from one's garden." [everyone groans] Moe: Tell us more about you and Marge! Homer: This is a place of learning, not a house of...hearing about things. [everyone starts to leave] Woman: I guess he's run out of stories. Skinner: What a rip-off. Otto: I can't believe I paid $10,000 for this course! What the heck was that lab fee for?

— The not-so-captive audience, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: I _do_ have a story about two other young marrieds... [everyone turns back and sits down] Now, the wife of this couple has an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow. Edna: We need names! Homer: Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson." [everyone gasps delightedly]

— Anonymity? Hah!, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Marge: Oh, Homer, don't you have to get to class? Homer: Not tonight, Marge. Tonight, we can eat a nice leisurely dinner at home. Marge: Oh, well that will be lov -- [gasps] What the darn -- Homer: Marge, you'll never guess what: my whole class is here! They're going to observe the human peep-show that is our lives. Mel: Apparently, that disturbing odor _was_ the food.

— Not boding well, exactly, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: So, little Lisa, apple of my eye: how are things down at the old schoolhouse? Lisa: I find this demeaning and embarrassing beyond my worst nightmares. Homer: [hearty laughter] And how's my little major-leaguer? Catch any junebugs today? Bart: Oh, me and Milhouse took some mail from the mail truck and threw it down the sewer. Homer: Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do. Bart: What the hell are you talking about? You're the one who double- dared us. Homer: Why you little -- [strangles Bart]

— Homer has his class over to observe dinner, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Bart: I'm outta here! Lisa: Me too. [they both leave] Homer: Well, now that the little ones have toddled off to bed -- Marge: [slowly] I want this to end _now_! Moe: Hey Homer, why don't you just nibble her elbow? That always melts her butter, right? [mocking laughter] Marge: [gasps] All right, OK. Everybody out! Apu: Ooh, she's gotta have it! Marge: Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out out out out -- [rushes everyone to the door] Homer: All right, we're breaking early tonight, class. For tomorrow, you should read pages seven through eighteen in Lisa's diary. Marge: You too. Homer: Huh? Marge: Get out! Homer: But I'm not in the class -- [Marge tosses Homer out and slams the door] Otto: Is any of this going to be on the test? 'Cause I wasn't paying attention.

— "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: Come on, Marge, let me in! There's crickets out here. [Marge opens the door, glares] OK, Marge. Things were said, mistakes were made. Let's end this madness and get on with our lives. Marge: You just don't get it, do you, Homer? You told personal things about our lives even after your promised you wouldn't. I can't trust you any more. Homer: But I learned my lesson! It'll never happen again. Ned: [leaning from his window] Hey, Homer, what's the big brouhaha-ha? Homer: Aw, Marge is throwing me out for blabbing about her elbow thing -- [Marge slams the door] Honey, the door blew shut...oh, fine. If that's what you want, you've got it. [walks off] This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road! Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I end up in this crazy old world.

— Homer gets booted out once again, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Marge: Kids, your father and I are going through a really tough time right now, and I don't know what's going to happen. But just remember both your Mom and your Dad love you very, very much. [walks off] Bart: Wow, I've never seen Mom so mad at Homer before. Lisa: I'll tell you a secret, Bart: every time I'm worried about Mom and Dad, I go to the attic and add to my ball of string. [said ball is huge; it crushes Snowball II]

— The radius of Lisa's worry, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Bart: Earthbase? This is commander Bart McCool. We are under attack by the Zornid Brain Changers! Quickly, into the safety dome, Milbot! Milhouse: [monotonic] Affirmative, humanoid. [the two climb up to Bart's treehouse] Together: [seeing Homer] Ew! Homer: Don't mind me, boys, just scrubbing my undies. Milhouse: Sorry, Bart. Your dad kind of blew the fantasy. I only like it when I'm pretend-scared. Homer: Keep up the roughhousing, son! Without a strong male presence in the house, you could turn sissy overnight! Oh, these stubborn grass stains.

— Kind of like that, huh?, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: Oh, good. Reverend Lovejoy will make Marge take me back! He _has_ to push the sanctity of marriage, or his God will punish him! [inside] Rev. Lovejoy: Get a divorce. Mrs. Lovejoy: Mmm hm. Marge: But isn't that a sin? Rev. Lovejoy: Marge, _everything_ is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing? [holds up a bible] Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.

— Thou shalt not...pass water?, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Lisa: Here Dad, I brought you some nice -- aah! [sees Homer with a potted plant] Homer: Good news, Lisa: I don't need your mother any more! I've created a replacement for her that's superior in almost every way. [clips some branches] Lisa: Dad, that's just a plant. Homer: [aghast] Lisa! You will respect your new mother. Now give her a kiss. Kiss her! [drops plant; it smashes on the ground] Homer: Omigod omigod omigod! [pants] All right, let's get out story straight: she tripped, right? Lisa: [forced happiness] Look, I brought you some nice pudding! Homer: Ah, your flesh mother used to bring me pudding.

— Quick diversion of attention, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: Oh, I miss Marge. Lisa, you're smart; help me trick her into taking me back! Lisa: Dad, you can't trick somebody into loving you. There's a reason two people come together and stay together: there's something they give each other that nobody else can give them. If you want to get Mom back, you just have to remember what you give her that nobody else can. Homer: [pause] I'll bet you $40 if you think of it for me. Lisa: No! Homer: OK, thirty. Lisa: Good luck, Dad. [leaves] Homer: All right, Brain, it's all up to you. If you don't think of what it is, we'll lose Marge forever. Brain: {Eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding} -- Homer: {OK. But then we gotta get to work. [pigs out]}

— A literal one-track mind, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

[Marge answers the door] Moe: Oh, h -- hi, Marge. I heard you and Homer broke up so I'm declaring my intentions to move in on his territory. Here, I, uh...brung you some posies. Marge: Oh, my! I'm very flattered, but I'm not really interested. Moe: Jeez, I come here, get dressed up all nice-like, put my heart on the line and I make a fool of myself. Oh, boy. Aw, I'm gonna start bawling here. Marge: Oh, why don't you come inside for a drink of water? Moe: [voice breaking] 'K.

— More of Moe's tender side, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Moe: Clean house, no silverfish. Coulda been very happy here. [knock at door] Homer! Homer: Moe! What are you doing here? Moe: I, er, well, I -- I never touched her, Homer. Homer, I swear I never touched her! Marge: [entering] Here's your water, Moe. Moe: I didn't ask her for no water! She's lying, Homer, she's lying. I -- she told me you were dead, that's the only reason I -- I didn't do nothing! [runs out through kitchen window] Homer: Bye Moe...

— Moe loses his cool, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Marge: Homer, what happened to you? Homer: Marge, I figured out what I can give you that no one else can: a bouquet of po -- [sees Moe's bouquet] oh, I give up. I don't deserve to live with you. [walks off; coffee table catches on his pants, preventing him from leaving] Oh, my tattered rags are caught on your coffee table. Marge: Oh, here, let me help you. [unhooks it; she and Homer look at each others] Homer: Wait a minute...wait, that's it! I know now what I can offer you that no one else can: complete and utter dependence! Marge: Homer, that's not a good thing. Homer: Are you kidding? It's a wondrous, marvelous thing! Marge, I need you more than anyone else on this entire planet could possibly ever need you! I need you to take care of me, to put up with me, and most of all I need you to love me, 'cause I love you. Marge: But how do I know I can trust you? Homer: Marge, look at me: we've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman. In another few hours I'll be dead! I can't afford to lose your trust again.

— A compelling argument, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Marge: I must admit, you really do make a gal feel needed. Homer: Wait till my class hears about this! [quickly] Kidding.

— The Simpsons get back together, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: [yawns] Oh, it's great to be indoors with my family. Lisa: I'm really glad you're back, Dad. I knew you could do it. [quietly] Now don't screw it up. Bart: Look, Dad: I missed you so much that I couldn't concentrate in school and I got an F. Homer: Hey, this is dated two weeks ago. Bart: Oh, sorry. Here's a fresh one. Marge: And I have a special present for you, but I'll give it to you later tonight. Homer: Special present? I don't want to wait! I want it now. I want the children to see. Ooh -- oh, right. Later. Heh heh heh -- Moe: [appears at kitchen window] So, Marge, are you _really_ happy? _Really_? Homer: Hey Moe. Moe: Aah! [ducks]

— Easy to terrify, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Mel: Please, Krusty: this is very demeaning! Krusty: Shut up and conduct!

— Sideshow Mel is forced to lead a band of monkeys, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Homer: [watching TV] Maggie, can you point to the monkey? [Maggie points at Homer] Pfft. What do babies know? Lisa: Maggie, can you point to the credenza? [she does so] Homer: D'oh!

— She knows zebus as well, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge: Homer! You didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake. Homer: [walking in] What? [reads lettering] It's not Magaggie's birthday? Oh. [eats the extra "a" and "g", then eats other letters] Marge: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop it. I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there. Homer: Ooh! [goes over, picks letters off it]

— She knows him well, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Patty: Hello, everybody except Homer. Jackie: [touching Maggie's nose] Happy birthday, granddaughter. Patty: Marge, I think that's your father-in-law across the street. [Abe knocks on door] Abe: [to black man who answers] Happy Birthday!

— That's him, all right, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge: {Everybody get ready! Here comes the birthday girl, in her very first dress.} Everyone: {Aw!} Patty: {She's a little angel.} Selma: {Yeah. I want to put a hook in her and hang her from our Christmas tree.} Abe: {[loudly] What smells?} Marge: {Uh oh.}

— A wee accident?, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge: Maggie! We've got a surprise for you. [brings in the cake. Everyone takes photos of her, and Maggie gets frightened by the flashbulbs, candle flame, and darkened room. She whimpers] Abe: Ooh! Put some Lister's Carbolic Unguent on a wad of cotton, and stick it in her ear! That'll stop them shakes. Jackie: No, no. What she needs is a balsam specific. Abe: Balsam specific?! Oof! While we're burning money, why don't we give her a curative galvanic belt too. Bart: [raspy] Don't forget to give her Smeckler's Powder. Abe+Jackie: Don't make fun!

— "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Jackie: I remember Lisa's third birthday. She and Bart did this adorable little song and dance routine. Abe: Oh, heh heh! That was a real horn-honker! Let's see it. [Bart and Lisa look at each other] Abe: Now! Do it! [Bart and Lisa groan] Abe: [threatening] Do it...! Bart+Lisa: [walk to window, turn around] [bored] Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs, Abe: Sing it like you mean it! [plays harmonica] Bart+Lisa: What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs? Bart: [fat voice] Fat kids! Lisa: [squeaky voice] Skinny kids! Bart: Kids who climb on rocks! Lisa: [tough voice] Tough kids! Bart: [sissy voice] Sissy kids! Milhouse: [spots on his face] Even kids with chicken pox -- Everyone: -- love hot dogs, Armour hot dogs, The dogs...kids...love...to...bite! [Home walks by with a sign for Armour hot dogs] Lisa: Doesn't this family know any songs that aren't commercials? Everyone: [Lisa walks off] I feel like Chicken Tonight, like Chicken Tonight, like Chicken Tonight...

— Lisa demonstrates the rhetorical question, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Jackie: It's been great spending time with my family again. I guess the next time I see you won't be until Thanksgiving. Homer: [sly] Or if not then, Christmas... Abe: I suppose I'll be gettin' home too. At least I got Matlock to keep me company. Oh! He's on in five minutes. Jackie: He is? Step on it! [the old folks' bus pulls up] Crazy old man: [inside] Hurry up, hurry! Each "Matlock" could be our last.

— A wish before dying, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge: Homey, you know, it's funny. Both my mother and your father seem pretty lonely. Homer: Hee hee hee! That is funny. Marge: Yeah. Anyway, maybe they could go to a matinee together, or shopping. Or to that room in the library that's always full of old people? Um...periodicals! That's it. Homer: Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. Marge: Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?

— Stockdale could still surprise us, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge: Say, I've got a neat idea! Why don't you go in and pick up my mother and we'll all go out to dinner? Abe: I'll be back in a jiffy! [comes back with a woman in a wheelchair] Marge: That's not my mother. Abe: I'll be back in a jiffy! Woman: Can I come too? [Homer rolls up Marge's power window] Woman: [disappointed] Oh...

— Too many cooks, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge: You know, Mom, you and Abe have a lot in common. Um...hmm. You both got swindled by that telemarketing scam! Abe: Oh, it's not a swindle. What you do is, see, you give 'em all your credit card numbers, and if one of them is lucky, they'll send you a prize. Jackie: I was just happy to talk to someone on the phone. Abe: Aw, feeling blue, eh? I got something that'll cheer you up. [puts forks in two potatoes and makes them dance] Jackie: [wheezes laughter] Lawyer: [approaching] Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt to this unauthorized imitation. Boys? [two large men grab the potatoes and forks and stomp on them]

— "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Jackie: And here's a picture of me getting arrested for indecent exposure. It was the most embarrassing day of my life. Abe: [whistles] Lift those gams. You were one nifty number! Jackie: Boys all paid attention to me and it drove my friends crazy. Abe: Who were your friends? Jackie: Oh, Zelda Fitzgerald, Frances Farmer, and little Sylvia Plath. Abe: You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to. Jackie: You're so sweet... Abe: [thinking] Ooh, I feel all funny. [gasp] I'm in love! No, wait. It's a stroke. [later, in the ambulance] No, wait! It _is_ love! [the ambulance halts and the attendants boot him out] I'm in love! [rolls onto highway as cars honk]

— "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Troy: Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as "The Boatjacking of Supership 79" and "Hydro, the Man With the Hydraulic Arms". Coming up this hour on the Impulse Buying Network, your chance to own a piece of Itchy and Scratchy, the toontown twosome beloved by everyone -- even cynical members of Generation X! Gen Xer: [watching at home] Pfft, yeah. "Groovy". Meyers: Troy, I'm proud to offer your viewers these hand-drawn Itchy and Scratchy animation cels. Each one is absolutely, positively, 100\% guaranteed to increase in value. Announcer: [quickly] Not a guarantee.

— Checks will not be honored either, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

[Bart and Homer run into each other] Bart: Pardon me, sir. Forgive my clumsiness. Homer: Not at all. Bart: [chuckles, holding Homer's wallet] Homer: [chuckles, holding Bart's slingshot] Bart: [on phone] Uh, yes. My name is Homer Simpson, and I'd like to order an Itchy and Scratchy cel...my credit card? Uh, do you accept a Federal Breast Inspector's card? License to Ogle? Vysa?...Oh, yes, of course. That's what I meant, _Visa_. It's these new dentures.

— Dentures paid for on Vysa, no doubt, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge: Well I think it's wonderful that your father has fallen in love with my mother. Homer: Well I'm opposed to the whole thing. Damn opposed! Bart: He's damn opposed. Damn, damn, _damn_ opposed! Marge: Bart! Homer, what possible reason could you have against Grampa being in love? Homer: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister. And then our kids...they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand! [Homer imagines the freakish kids] Aaah!

— They'd be almost...human, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge: Hello, Mom?...Fine. You know, Abe had a very nice time with you last Sunday -- Abe: Tell her I love her! Marge: [covering mouthpiece] Grampa, shh! I know my mother. If you come on too strong, she's going to get scared away! Abe: [runs to other phone] I love ya! Jackie: What? Marge: Er, I love you, Mom! Abe: I love you, I love you -- [Marge joins in saying "I love you"] Marge: -- I love you. I love you, Mom, gotta go!

— No telemarketing skill at all, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

{[Bart answers the door]} Man: {Yeah, hi. I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.} Bart: {That's me!} Man: {[punches Bart in the face] Don't write no more letters to Mr. Sinatra.} {[doorbell rings; Bart answers it]} Teenager: {I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.} Bart: {Uh, that's me.} Teenager: {[punches Bart in the face] Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range!} {[doorbell rings]} Man: {[through door] Homer Simpson! I've got a, uh, special delivery for you.} Bart: {Go away!} Man: {If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson, I cannot give you your...special delivery.} {[Bart looks through mail slot, sees man holding animation cel rolled in cardboard]} Bart: {[sighs with relief] [opens door]} Man: {Here's your special delivery.} Bart: {Thanks --} Man: {[punches Bart in the face] And that's for keeping me waiting.}

— Three for three, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Abe: Hot diggety! I'm going to smooch her like a mule eating an apple! [demonstrates] I even bought me some special novelty dentures. [turns off light] See? [smiles. Dentures glow, "Kiss me, sweetie!"] Homer: Dad, that will never work. If you want to make your move, you got to play it...cool. [jazz bass and cymbals start playing] [to the beat] Now what you gotta do If you wanna get a kiss Is act real smooth And make your move like this: [stands up, stretches and yawns, and sits down again, arm still outstretched so it lands around Abe's shoulder] Abe: Oh, I see! [to the beat] So if I take your advice And make your patented move, Then my chances for love Will slightly improve? [does the Homer move] Homer: [giggles] Now what's that rule? Abe: Play it cool. [music stops] [doorbell rings. Abe panics, jumps behind the couch]

— Real cool, just like that, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Bart: Is this cel worth anything? [gives him cel with arm on it] Dealer: [looks at it, sighs] Let me show you something. This -- this is a Snagglepuss drawn by Hic Heisler. It is worth something. This -- this is an arm, drawn by nobody. It is worth nothing. Bart: Can't you give me anything for it. Dealer: I can give you this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth. Bart: Oh... Dealer: No groaning in my store.

— Or was that "no Groening"?, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Jackie: Oh, my favorite song. This is so nice! Abe: I can't remember when I felt this young. Oh...I really can't! [they almost kiss] Burns: Say, sport! Mind if I have the next dance? Abe: [stammers] What the --? Don't sneak up on a -- oh, you -- Burns: No need for the blown gasket, Charlie. I'll have her back in one piece. ["Sing, Sing, Sing" begins. Burns dances up a storm with Jackie] Abe: Grr. That big ape thinks he can muscle in on my girl, does he? I'm gonna give him the frowning of a lifetime! [does so] [Monty and Jackie dance on, oblivious]

— Not much of a revenge, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

[Burns and Jackie laugh] Jackie: I swear, Monty: you are the devil himself! Burns: I -- [yelling] who told yo -- oh, ho ho, I, yes, yes, well, I'd say you're an angel, but angels don't dance like that.

— They've never flown so low either, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Abe: Good night, Mrs. Bouvier...wherever you are. Lawyer: [approaching] Mr. Simpson, I represent the estate of Jimmy Durante. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt of this unauthorized imitation. Boys? [two large men grab Abe's hat and stomp on it. The three leave] Abe: Well, would it be all right with you if I just laid down in the street and died? Lawyer: [off-camera, shuffles papers] Yes, that would be acceptable.

— "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Burns: Smithers, guess what happened to me last night? Smithers: I don't know, sir. You had sex with that old woman? Burns: She said "no" to me! Do you know how many women have said "no" to me? One hundred thirty, but only one since I've become a billionaire. And _she's_ the one for me. I'm in love! [Smithers groans] Smithers: Whoop-de-do, sir. Burns: Yes, whoop-de-do! Whoop-de-do to the world. Whoop-de-do, Mr. Florist. Whoop-de-do, Mr. Physical Trainer. Whoop-de-do, Mr. President! Clinton: I'm happy you finally found love. Burns: Whoop-de-do, Tarantula Town! [grabs PA mike] Whoop-de-do, employees! Everyone who's found true love may leave early today! Everyone: Yay! [run off, except one man, who cries]

— Being singled-out, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Burns: [grabbing paper] "Memorandum to Mrs. Bouvier, re: Delineation of Romantic Intentions" -- pfft, too sappy. Smithers, come over here and help me write a mash note to my girlfriend. Smithers: [rolls eyes] Fine. "Darling one, read my words and hear my heart speak of a love soft and undying: a love that will be with you always. Sincerely," yatta, yatta, yatta. Burns: That's marvelous! How did you think of that so fast? Smithers: I [sobs] sent it to you on your birthday! [cries] Excuse me, I have something in my eye!

— Just like watching "Bambi", "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge: Mom's almost ready for her date. She sure seems taken by this new beau. I feel so bad for Grampa. Homer: Dad says this new guy's a repulsive, obnoxious old billionaire. So let's all be extra-nice to him. [doorbell rings; Homer answers it] [Marge and Homer scream] Burns: Hello! Why it's -- it's, er -- oh, it's er -- [goes back, whispers to Smithers. Smithers whispers back and chuckles] Why, it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife Wilma! Oh, and this must be little Pebbles. [pats Maggie] Mind if I come in? I've brought chocolates. Homer: [grabbing them] Yabba dabba doo!

— The modern stone-age family, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge: He's an awful, awful, _awful_ man! I guess if he makes Mom happy, that's all that really matters. Homer: That's right, money. Your money's happiness is all that moneys.

— Subliminal suggestions, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Bart: You know, Gramma really likes it when her boyfriends are nice to me...she 'specially likes it when they give me money. Burns: Run along, Pee Wee. Baby gets nothing! Bart: Very well. You leave me no choice. This gun is filled with ketchup, this one with mustard. Now gimme three hundred fifty bucks or you're going to be a mess for your date. Burns: [ominous] You don't have the guts. [they stare each other down; Bart squirts him] Burns: Eww! Here, take your money, take it! [Bart drops a gun] Ooh, now the tables have turned, haven't they? Jackie: [coming down stairs] Monty, I'm ready! [sees Burns, gasps] [Bart runs off]

— Bad second impressions, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Abe: Oh, why'd she have to leave me? Jasper: [walking in] Hi, Abe! We heard you was in need of some cheering up. We got you a special cake. ["cheer up Abe"] [coughing comes from inside the cake] Jasper: [looking in] Uh oh. Better call the nurse.

— Geriatric disasters, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Burns: {Bravissimo, Luigi! Bring us your finest bottle of vino!} Luigi: {Hey, you trust-ah Luigi, huh? He knows-ah what for to make-ah really nice the amore.} Jackie: {Oh, Monty, I've never been to a more romantic restaurant.} Luigi: {[entering kitchen] Hey, Salvatore! Break out the cheap hooch for Mr. No-Tip and the dried-up-ah zombie he's-ah captured!}

— Romance, my butt, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Bart: Dad, I'm really sorry, but I charged $350 on your credit card. Homer: What?! Bart: Don't worry, here's the cash! Homer: Woo-hoo! $350. Now I can buy seventy transcripts of Nightline! Hee hee. Bart: But Dad -- oh well, he's happy. I'm going to keep the Mary Worth phone right here. Her stern but sensible face will remind me never to do anything so stupid again. [it rings; Bart answers it] Milhouse: Hey Bart, you want to go play with that X-ray machine in the abandoned hospital? Bart: Sure...

— Worked for two seconds, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Monty: [dropping a ring into a champagne glass] Now, my dear, if you look in your champagne, I think you'll find a little surprise -- [Jackie drinks it, swallows the ring, and chokes a little] Heh, uh, not to worry, I believe there's another one around here somewhere -- [reaches into boiling fondue, burns himself] [kneeling] My darling, since my kneecaps are filling with fluid as we speak. Will you marry me? [cut to Marge in the kitchen with Jackie] Marge: Oh, Mom, you can't marry Mr. Burns. He's an evil man. Jackie: Evil, schmevil, Marge! Monty can provide for me. Besides, he's a great kisser. Homer: Ew, yuck! Marge: What about Abe Simpson? Don't you have any feelings for him? Jackie: Oh, he's a dear. But he's too much of an old fusspot. Marge: We're all aware of Grampa's problems, but compared to Mr. Burns, he's Judge freaking Reinhold! Jackie: [pause] I don't know who that is.

— A lost comparison, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Abe: Aw, who needs her? Now I'll have more time to read things I find on the ground. [picks something up] "La...tex...con...do"...boy, I'd like to live in one of those!

— I don't think so, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Lisa: Where's Grampa? Wasn't he invited? Bart: Yeah, but his reply envelope just had a check to the gas company in it.

— The perils of age, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Lovejoy: And so when Eliphaz came down from Mount Hebron bearing figs, he offered them to Mohem, who you will remember is the father of Sheckhom, and to Hazar on the occasion of their matrimony, much in the same -- Burns: We've heard enough about Bliz-Blaz and Him-Ham already. Get to the bloody point! [Marge elbows Jackie, "Hmm? Hmm?"] Lovejoy: Do you, Charles Montgomery Burns, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? Burns: I do. [Bart bumbles with the ring and drops it] The ring, you little imbecile, before I really lose my temper! [kicks Bart. Marge elbows Jackie] Jackie: I know, I know. Ow! Ow! [Burns forces the ring on] [Marge scowls] Lovejoy: Do you, Jacqueline Bouvier, take this man to be your lawfully wedding husband? ["Moonlight Serenade" starts on the organ] Jackie: Oh, Monty, my favorite song! How did -- Burns: I specifically requested _no_ romantic music! What --

— A real charmer, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Abe: Honey! Are you sure you want to be Mrs. Montgomery Burns? Wouldn't you rather be Mrs. Abraham J. Simpson? Jackie: No! Abe: [gulps] [Burns grins] Jackie: I don't want to be either! Abe: Hot ziggety zam! That's good enough for me! [skips down the aisle with her, arm in arm, and onto the bus to the retirement home] [guitar music plays] Abe: Turn off that racket! Otto: Yeah, fat chance, Pops.

— Otto, always the sympathetic one, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Bart: Homer, my hat goes off to you. Homer: It's _cool_ in here, boy. For the rest of the summer, we can live inside the refrigerator. Marge: [poking her head in] Homer, the fridge wasn't meant to be used this way...although I must say, it's certainly refreshing! [She and Lisa crawl in] [Maggie does too, and goes to sleep on some jello] Homer: I got the idea when I noticed the refrigerator was cold. Marge: Won't this overload the motor? [the motor buzzes, then fizzles and smokes] Homer: Marge, can you set the oven to "cold"?

— Forgetting his Appliances 101 class, "Bart of Darkness"

Ice Cream man: [driving past in his truck] I'm all out of ice cream! [to Bart and Lisa] It's true, you know. Ice cream! Ice cream! Bart+Lisa: {Aw...} Chili man: {[driving past in his truck] Chili! Red-hot Texas-style chili! And we got gingerale: boiling-hot Texas-style gingerale! Texas...} Bart: {Ew!} Lisa: Aw, face it, Bart. Our salvation isn't just going to roll by on the back of some stupid truck. [The "Springfield Pool-Mobile" truck drives up] [Otto screeches to a halt, gets splashed by a wave] Otto: Woo, I gotta replace that window. Bart+Lisa: Pool Mobile?!

— So it would seem, "Bart of Darkness"

Bart: [coming up for air] Look, Lis, I snatched five bathing suits -- all Martin's! Martin: Take your best shot! I'm wearing seventeen layers. [tough kids surround him and tear at his bathing suits] Ha ha ha -- [gasps, notices his layers are gone] [quietly] I brought this on myself.

— Learning the lesson yet again, "Bart of Darkness"

Otto: OK, little dudes, time's up. Everybody out! [kids groan, leave, except for Bart and Lisa] Lisa: Time's up? Bart: So long, Lis. I'm going to stow away under water and go where the pool goes. [hugs her] Have a good life. [holds his breath, submerges, but comes up again gasping] Otto: Sorry, Bart-dude. We gotta fill this thing with epsom salts and jam it on over to the old folks' home. Bart: Oh well. Same time tomorrow, Otto? Otto: [laughs] No way, man. One day of summer is all we're budgeted for. I guess it is kind of a tease.

— Curse you, financial planners!, "Bart of Darkness"

[Homer watches TV] Lisa: [walking in with Bart, blocks Homer's view of TV] Dad? [Homer flops sideways, continues watching TV] Lisa: Dad! [turns off TV] [Homer turn it back on with remote control] Lisa: Dad! [Bart unplugs TV] Homer: [cheery] Yes, Lisa? Lisa: Dad, as you know, we've been swimming, and we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of... Bart+Lisa: Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Bart: Can we -- [Lisa motions him to stop] Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

— A fitting celebration, "Bart of Darkness"

Salesman: Over here we have the Hick Tub, the, er, Insta-Rust, that's the Lightning Magnet, that's the Tinkler -- Homer: Ooh, the Tinkler! I like the sound of that. We'll take it! Marge: Is it true we should wait at least an hour after eating before we go in? Salesman: Look, question, lady. This job is not what I really do, OK? I play keyboards.

— Keeping his day job, "Bart of Darkness"

Homer: All right. Everybody in the pool! Amish: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. Homer: D'oh-eth!

— The non-Indo-European "D'oh!" variants, "Bart of Darkness"

Homer: [timid] Is it a pool yet? Lisa: [tired] Yes, Dad. Homer: Woo hoo! [the doorbell rings] Marge: Who could that be? [she answers it; a huge crowd of children in bathing suits smiles] Jimbo: Uh, hello, er, Mrs., uh, Bart. Is your pool ready yet? Marge: Mmm...

— News travels fast, "Bart of Darkness"

Marge: Bart, are all these children friends of yours? Bart: Friends and well-wishers, yes. [children walking by all say "Hi Bart!", "Hey Bart!" to some fat kid eating a sandwich] Boy: Hello, Mrs. Cumberdale.

— Giving them an inch, "Bart of Darkness"

Bart: People, people! It's time we all discussed the pool safety rules! Kids: [chanting] Jump, Bart, jump! Jump, Bart, jump! Bart: You got it! Nelson: Hey, Bart! Your epidermis is showing. Bart: [worried] It is? [checks himself] [the kids laugh] [Bart falls, starts yelling] Nelson: [to Kearney] See, "epidermis" means your hair. [Bart lands with a thud] So technically it's true. That's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment -- [at Bart] Ha ha! Milhouse: Hey Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg. Nelson: [exasperated] I said, "Ha ha"!

— A quote for every occasion, "Bart of Darkness"

Hibbert: I'm sorry, that leg's going to have to come off. [Homer and Bart gasp] Hibbert: [chuckles] Did I say "leg"? I meant that wet bathing suit. I'm afraid you'll need a cast on that broken bone. Bart: Aw, I'm going to miss the whole summer. Homer: Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

— Yeah, but he'll also be earning money, "Bart of Darkness"

Sherri: [to Lisa] Isn't it amazing the same day you got a pool is the same day we realized we liked you? Terri: The timing worked out great, don't you think?

— Fair-weather friends, indeed, "Bart of Darkness"

Bart: Hey, guys! Sign my cast? [holds out a pen] Sign my cast? [they all walk past] Guys! [they jump in the pool, laughing and playing] Milhouse! Milhouse: [sneaking by] Uh...hi Bart. Bart: Faithful Milhouse. You'll spend the long, hot days by my side, won't you? [forces the pen into his hand] Milhouse: [signing hurriedly] Uh, I think I lost my glasses in your pool. I better go in and find them. Bart: But you're wearing your glasses. Milhouse: No I'm not. [he's signed "MilpooL", the L trailing off]

— "Bart of Darkness"

Bart: [thinking] Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Barty-boy. [aloud] Oh, great, I get to spend the summer with my brain.

— The perils of a broken leg, "Bart of Darkness"

Bart: [laughing at I&S] You know, this isn't so bad. I'll just spend the summer getting better acquainted with an old friend called television. [kids cheer, Krusty appears and laughs] Krusty: Hope you enjoyed that, kids, 'cause Krusty's out of here for the summer. In the meantime, we'll be running [groans] "Klassic Krusty". [laughs uncomfortably] Enjoy... [the Krusty Show from February 6th, 1961 comes on] Krusty: [chuckles] Good evening. Tonight my guest is AFL/CIO chairman George Meany, who will be discussing collective bargaining agreements. Meany: It's a pleasure to be here, Krusty. Krusty: Let me be blunt: is there a labor crisis in America today? [looks bored] Meany: Well that depends what you mean by "crisis"... [Bart groans]

— Not as classic as Krusty with Noam Chomsky, "Bart of Darkness"

Homer: Ah, there's nothing like rising with the sun for a quiet, peaceful dip in your very own pool. [cheers, dives in] [comes up covered in algae, yells and sputters] [Lisa walks out] Lisa, the Blob has got me! Don't touch me or he'll get you too. Lisa: Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean. Homer: Chlorine, eh? [later, all the kids scream and rub their bloodshot eyes] Ralph: [coming up] Ow, my face is on fire!

— Big surprise there, "Bart of Darkness"

Marge: Oh look, there's Bart! Wave to him! [she and Lisa do] [Bart pulls his blinds down] Mmm, maybe we should spend more time with Bart. He's becoming isolated and weird... [in Bart's room, Bart plays Stratego and holds one red piece and one blue piece, and does the voices for each] Blue piece: I swear I don't know where the bombs are. Only the miners know that. Red piece: Maybe this will loosen your tongue...hah! Blue piece: No! Aah!

— A tenuous grip on reality, "Bart of Darkness"

Lisa: Uh, Bart -- Bart: [pointing] Don't turn on that light! Lisa: Sorry, I just came to see how you were feeling. Bart: I'm fine, just fine. Lisa: What are you writing here? A play? Bart: Er...no. Lisa: Y'uh huh, [reads] cast of characters: Viceroy Fizzlebottom, a hearty cherub of a man -- Bart: [grabs it] Gimme that, it's a work in progress!

— The sensitive playwright, "Bart of Darkness"

Bart: So...how do you like being Miss Popularity? Lisa: Oh, well, you know, it ain't so great. [Bart looks at her] Bart, it's the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole life! [forced laugh] Well, anyway, I brought you a present. It's a telescope I won at the optics festival. Bart: There was an optics festival and I wasn't informed?

— Apparently not, "Bart of Darkness"

Marge: This was a lovely idea, Homey. Come here and kiss me... Homer: Mmm...[shudders] [a light shines down on them, and they cover themselves and scream] Wiggum: [from a helicopter, through a megaphone] Do not be alarmed, continue swimming naked. [eats popcorn] Aw, c'mon, continue! Come on! Oh... [to Lou] All right, Lou, open fire.

— Misdemeanors in Springfield only, "Bart of Darkness"

Bart: Wow, the universe is so boring. I know! I'll use this to peer into Springfield's seamy underbelly. [scans school, sees Skinner sharpening pencils, groans] [scans Dr. Hibbert riding his bike and watching TV, groans] [scans Jimmy Stewart in a wheelchair with a camera and a large telephoto lens] Jimmy: Grace, c'mere! There's a sinister-looking kid I want you to see.

— A rear window into Springfield, "Bart of Darkness"

Bart: Oh, I'm never _ever_ going to see anything interesting with this stupid piece of junk. [disassembles telescope, puts it away] [a woman screams] That came from Flanders' house! [starts reassembling the telescope, then gives up] [woman screams again] [Bart hastily assembles the telescope, spies Flanders looking at the floor] Ned: Oh my God, what have I done? I've killed her! [pulls blind] Bart: This can't be what it looks like: this is Flanders we're talking about! Nah, I'll just watch some TV. [turns it on] Krusty: And now, what you've been waitin' for, another long raga by Ravi Shanker. Ravi: Shankar. Krusty: Shankar. Groovy, man.

— "Bart of Darkness"

[Flanders fills in a grave] Bart: Oh, this can't be what it looks like! There's gotta be some other explanation! Ned: I wish there was some other explanation for this, but there isn't. I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer! Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders. Ned: [yelling] I'm a mur-diddley-urdler. Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

— Understudying for Ned, "Bart of Darkness"

Todd: Daddy, where's Mommy? We miss her. Ned: Mommy...had to go away. She's with God now. Rod+Todd: Yay! Can we go there too? Ned: [remorsefully] Soon enough. Rod+Todd: Yay! Bart: [gasps] He's going to kill Rod and Todd too. That's horrible! ...in principle.

— Bart vs. the seventh commandment, "Bart of Darkness"

Nelson: Look, Lisa: I found this change on the bottom of the pool. You can have it. Lisa: Thanks, Nelson. Ralph: [coming up for air] Somebody took my juice money! Rex: Lisa, please join my family for a weekend in the country. They'll be hunting, charades, and ever so many delightful romantic misunderstandings? [kids clamor for her] Lisa: [thinking] They're only using you for your pool, you know. [aloud] Shut up, brain! I got friends now. I don't need you any more. [moronically] Duh, yeah, I'd love to go to your house, hyuck hyuck.

— Nope, no need for thinking, "Bart of Darkness"

Martin: Ah, my plan has come to fruition. Soon _I'll_ be queen of summertime. Er, king. King! [workmen look at each other]

— Filling Martin's new pool, "Bart of Darkness"

[Dolph whispers to Jimbo] Jimbo: [to Kearney] Dude, Buzz has it an even wussier kid has an even better pool than this! [pool empties of kids; water level sinks dramatically] Lisa: Huh? Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here! I gotta think of a way to get out. Lisa's brain: Well, well, well: look who's come crawling back.

— No easy escape from one's brain, "Bart of Darkness"

Bart: Listen, Ned Flanders murdered his wife! Homer: But why? She's such a fox. [Marge scowls at him] I mean, what's on Fox tonight? Something ribald ["rye-bald"], no doubt. Marge: Mmm, I wish you'd stop spreading bad rumors about people. Remember how you got Grampa tarred and feathered? Bart: Sure, that was twenty minutes ago. Grampa: Gonna be in the tub for a while.

— That, you are, "Bart of Darkness"

Lisa: Bart, I'm really sorry I've been ignoring you lately. I got carried away with being popular. But, now that I'm unpopular again, I want you to know I'm here for you. Bart: You can start making it up to me right now. Flanders is leaving the house. I want you to sneak in there and bring me back some evidence. And something sweet for later. Lisa: Bart, I'm here for you, but I'm not going to break into somebody's house. Bart: All right, you're right, you're right, let's, let's just forget about that. Here: let me read to you from my play. Ahem. [cockney] "`Kippers for breakfast, Aunt Helga? Is it St. Swithin's Day already?' `'Tis,' replied Aunt Helga" -- Lisa: I'm going, I'm going!

— Incentive enough for anyone, "Bart of Darkness"

Bart: [watching Flanders] An ax. He's got an ax! I'll save you, Lisa! [tries to walk on his leg, falls back] Uh, I'll save you by calling the police. [dials 911] Voice: Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department Resc-u- Fone[tm]. If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered or calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line. Bart: [growls, punches some numbers] Voice: You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one.

— Shockingly ineffective answering services, "Bart of Darkness"

Ned: Ho! What the gumdrops is going on here? Bart: Came to stop you from murdering Lisa like you murdered your wife! Ned: Murdered? [groans, faints] [later] Maude: Murdered? Oh no, I've just been in the country for a week. Bart: [to Flanders] But I distinctly heard you say that Maude was with God. Maude: Oh, that's right. I was at Bible Camp. I was learning how to be more judgemental.

— A useful Christian skill, "Bart of Darkness"

Bart: But I saw the murder and then I saw you bury the corpse in the back yard! Ned: [weeping] All right, it's true. I am a murderer! [everyone gasps] I overwatered Maude's favorite ficus plant, I panicked, then I buried the remains. I was hoping to replace it before you got home. Bart: But I heard a woman scream. Ned: Oh? Well, now that I can't explain. Lou: [holding up plant] Found it, Chief. Ned: [screams like a woman] Bart: Oh. Well, I guess that explains everything. Homer: Not everything. There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife. Maude: Um, I'm right here. Homer: [sarcastic] Oh, I see. Then everything is wrapped up in a neat little package. [everyone looks at him] Really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

— Getting his histrionics wrong, "Bart of Darkness"

Martin: More friends! More allies! More, I say. Hang those who talk of less. There's a few inches over here, ho! [one more kid squeezes in, causing the pool to burst] My precious pool and its lifestyle accoutrements...no! [everyone grumbles, leaves] Nelson: [rips off Martin's bathing suit] Ha ha! Martin: Oh. The gentle caress of the summer breeze. [sings] The summer wind Came blowing in From across the sea...

— Martin Frank Prince, I presume?, "Bart of Darkness"

Itchy: Thanks, kids. Now we'd like to speak to you seriously for a moment. Scratchy: Yup. This week is the grand opening of "Itchy and Scratchy Land" -- the violentest place on earth[tm]. Itchy: And to celebrate, for this week only, we're cutting ticket prices in half. [pulls out scissors] [Scratchy pulls out a card saying "ticket prices"] [Itchy stabs the scissors through Scratchy's brain] Scratchy: Yow! [pulls out scissors and brain together] [stars drooling moronically] [camera pulls out to show Krusty standing next to a TV which he turns off] Krusty: Kids, you heard the cartoon rat. If you haven't already run to your parents begging to go, do it now. You won't be missing anything funny: I'll just be sitting here reading this grownup's newspaper. ["Racing Form"] [laughs] Go now!

— Those krazy klown endorsements, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Lisa: Dad, remember how you said going to Itchy and Scratchy Land would be too damned expensive? Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this bible I just got -- fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book...everybody's a sinner! [points to a verse] Except for this guy. Bart: But now Itchy and Scratchy Land is cutting ticket prices in half! Can we go, Dad? Can we, can we, can we? Take it, Lis. Lisa: Can we? Homer: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ask your mother. Bart+Lisa: Yay! [run off]

— Homer's new religious bent, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Bart: Mom, guess what? Lisa: We're going to Itchy and Scratchy Land! Marge: No. I've already planned our vacation. We're going to the Highway Nine Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new birdfeeder this year. [Bart and Lisa look aghast] Marge: It's shaped like a diner. And it's on this really tall pole. [Bart and Lisa look aghast]

— How to bring your children down hard, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

[Lisa enters the parents' bedroom with Bart in tow] Lisa: Mom, Dad! Bart's dead! [Homer and Marge wake up, gasp] Bart: [coming alive] That's right: dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land. [Homer and Marge groan]

— How to give your parents a heart attack, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Lisa: You know, Itchy and Scratchy Land isn't for kids. They have a place called "Parents' Island". [Homer and Marge look interested] Yeah! Dancing, bowling, fashionable shops, over one hundred bars and saloons, _and_ a world-class chemical dependency center. Homer: [looks at pamphlet] [gasps] TV Town! Hammock Land! Marge: Hmm, Recipe-Related Bumper Cars.

— Something for everyone, it seems, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Marge: Now wait a minute, I'm not sure about this. Every time we've ever gone on vacation I end up being horribly embarrassed. We end up in a big fight and we come home more miserable than when we left. You have to promise me that this isn't going to happen this time. Homer: Embarrassed? What are you talking about? Marge: Well, there was our trip to the Amish country... Homer: Oh, yeah... [flashback to Homer sticking ice cream cones on a man's head] Homer: Heh heh heh, hey look, Marge! They're still not fighting back. [shoves another ice cream cone on man's cheek] Hee hee! I can be a jerk and no one can stop me! [laughs] [a mule kicks him hard] Marge: Even worse was our trip to Sandy Beach... [flashback to people in ocean being frightened off by a shark fin] Homer: [coming out of the water wearing a mask and a strap-on fin] [laughs] Suckers. Bart: [swimming up beside Homer, also with mask and fin] [laughs] Homer: Aah! Sharkboy! [runs off in a panic]

— The dreaded Homo Sharkus, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Marge: This year I want us to do things together as a family, and get a lot of good exercise outdoors so we'll have a lot of wonderful memories of our vacation. Bart: Don't worry Mom, we'll make you proud of us. [Homer packs a suitcase and lists off the items] Homer: Lobster hat, Fishnet Speedo Junior[tm], wheelie shoes, "Invisible Dog" leash...[laughs] Well, I'm packed.

— Packed for embarrassment, certainly, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Marge: And remember, every morning give one bowl of Kibble to Santa's Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down? Abe: No! I ain't senile, dad blast it. Marge: OK, bye bye. Homer: Bye! Bart: Bye! Lisa: Bye Grampa! [Homer drives off] Grampa: Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? "Grampa's Little Helper"...what's that? [meekly to animals] Which one of you is the mailman? [animals roll their eyes slowly towards one another]

— Not senile, just a little weird, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Homer: OK, let's make a pact. This is going to be the best vacation ever, or we'll all agree to disband and join other families. Everyone: Agreed.

— The motion is passed, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Homer: Ah, the Interstate. Fasten your seat belts, kids: we're on our way to Itchy and Scratchy Land! [pulls up to highway...which is gridlocked] Everyone: D'oh! Homer: Don't worry, I've got an ace up my sleeve. [honks horn]

— Homer, wearing a t-shirt, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Homer: {Oh my God...what'll I do, what'll I do?} Marge: {What's the matter with you, Homer? We don't have any fruits or vegetables in the car.} Homer: {[winces] The whole trunk's full of 'em, Marge! [Homer holds a pamphlet: "Smuggled vegetables: the road to E-Z success"]} Kid: {[approaching car] Got any fruits or vegetables? [Homer panics, floors it, smashes wooden barrier] [fruits and vegetables spill from the trunk in a trail] Hey...Mr. Wembley, it happened again!}

— The road to E-Z imprisonment, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Homer: And now to absorb some local color through the magic of AM radio. DJ 1: -- book of Revelations tells us to watch for the seven signs of evil -- DJ 2: -- sign of evil number four -- DJ 3: -- inuing our "Sign of Evil" countdown. Here's Vanessa Williams --

— That's what she gets for posing in Penthouse, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Marge: We better find a motel and stop for the night. Homer: [slurred] We don't need to do that, Marge. I'm not tired, I'm not tired at all. [car skids on road, crashes into pole, bursts into flame] [the family watches through the window of a motel room] Bart: Whew! Glad that wasn't us.

— "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Homer: [looking at map] North...south...aw, nuts to this! I'm going to take a shortcut. Marge: Homer, no, you're going to get lost. Homer: Trust me, Marge. With today's modern cars, you _can't_ get lost, what with all the silicon chips and such.

— A typical Homer non sequitur, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Pilot: We're now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy Land: the amusement park of the future where nothing can possi- blye go wrong. [everyone looks worried] Er, possi_bly_ go wrong. Heh, that's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.

— Second, actually, the first being that nothing could go wrong, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Homer: One adult and four children. Woman: Would you like to buy some Itchy and Scratchy Money? Homer: What's that? Woman: Well it's money that's made just for the park. It works just like regular money, but it's, er..."fun". Bart: Do it, Dad. Homer: Well, OK, if it's fun...let's see, uh...I'll take $1100 worth. [he walks in, sees all the signs: "No I&S Money", "We Don't Take Itchy and Scratchy Money", etc.] Aw!

— So much for fun, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Bart: Oh wow, cool! Lisa: Aw, cool! That is neato. Marge: Such a violent motif. Bart: Yeah, but it's just pretend violence, which is _actually_ beneficial for children. [kicks Lisa] Lisa: Ow! [punches Bart] Bart: Ow! Marge: Hmm... Guard: [laughs] There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land we're just as concerned about violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem so that we may educate as well as horrify. Marge: _When_ do you show the consequences? On TV that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next scene the cat was breathing comfortably. Guard: Just like in real life. [pause] [pointing] Hey, look over there! [family does so, he takes off quickly]

— A Hutz-esque argument, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Bart: [to waiter] I'll have a Brain Burger with extra pus, please. Marge: Bart! Homer: Eyeball stew. Marge: Homer! We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior. Bart: I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent names for everything here. Marge: Oh, I see. All right, hmm...I'll have the Baby Guts. Waiter: Lady, you disgust me. Ew. Lisa: [embarrassed] Mom, that's veal. Marge: Oh...

— Mmm...extra pus, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

"Torture Land"..."Explosion Land"..."Searing Gas Pain Land"... "Unnecessary Surgery Land"...hmm...

— Marge reads the park map, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Lisa: Aw, look at that cute little baby ax. [baby ax runs to catch up with bigger axes] Marge: It's cute, but I'm sure it's very sharp and probably dirty. Guard: [walks up] [laughs] Dirty, mabye -- dangerous, hardly. These are the latest state-of-the-art animatronic robots. They have sensors that ensure they only attack each other, never the guests. [laughs] [Itchy robot's point of view shows it identifying "Scratchy" and "Kill", then "humans" and "Do not hurt"] [robot turns, takes the top of its head off and bows] Marge: See all that stuff in there, Homer? That's why your robot never worked.

— What without all those silicon chips and such, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Marge: You know, part of spending time together as a family is spending time apart as individuals. Homer: Parents' Island? Marge: Y'uh huh. I'm sure we'll appreciate each other all the more when we meet up at dinner. Are you kids going to be all right? [looks around] Kids? [Bart and Lisa start the ride over again, grinning]

— The end of the Log Ride, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Homer: It _is_ the seventies! Right down to the smallest detail. Marge: Hey...the bartender even looks like John Travolta. Bartender: Yeah..."looks like".

— At Itchy's 70s Disco, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Bart: Look at all this great stuff, Lis! [finds vanity license plate rack] Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"? Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate. Mother: No. Come along, Bort. Man: Are you talking to me? Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.

— At the gift shop, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Lisa: Who are all these characters? Bart: Well, you're probably too young to remember the short-lived "Itchy & Scratchy and Friends Hour". They had to come up with some friends. There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Ku Klux Klam... Lisa: Oh yeah, heh. They weren't very funny. Bart: I dunno...Disgruntled Goat had his moments.

— Nightmare cartoons of the mid-eighties, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Bandleader: Welcome to T. G. I. McScratchy's where it's constantly New Year's Eve. Here we go again! Three, two, one! Everyone: Happy new year! ["Auld Lang Syne" starts up] [a waiter walks up with champagne glasses] Marge: It must be wonderful to ring in the new year over and over and over. Waiter: Please, kill me.

— At least he hasn't been hiccupping for 45 years, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Roger Meyers senior, the gentle genius behind Itchy and Scratchy, loved and cared about almost all the peoples of the world. And he, in turn, was beloved by the world, except in 1938 when he was criticized for his controversial cartoon, "Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors".

— The narrator tells "The Roger Meyers Story", "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Narrator: Roger Meyers' next full-length feature was the wildly successful "Pin-Itchy-o". Scratchy: [Italian accent] Now you be good Pin-Itchy-o, and don't you lie. Itchy: I promise I will never hurt you. [his nose grows suddenly, spearing Scratchy's eyeball] Scratchy: Ouch! Lisa: I wonder if this kind of violence really _does_ desensitize us? [berserk Scratchy robot crashes through screen. Its head pops off and blood spurts] Bart: Want to get a Sno Cone[tm]? Lisa: OK.

— Lisa's question, suddenly rhetorical, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Bart: So, Mr. Itchy, you think you're God's gift to women, do you? Lisa: Don't do it, Bart. [Bart pulls a stink bomb from his "Li'l Bastard Traveling Kit" and slingshots it straight into Itchy's mouth] Itchy: [choking] I just wanted to entertain! Bart: [laughs] Can you believe I keep getting away with this...officer? [a uniformed man puts a hand on his shoulder]

— They'll be asking _you_ the questions soon, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Man 1: Mop and bucket man to the exit of the "Nauseator". Man 2: We got another jumper on the roof of T. G. I. McScratchy's. Man 3: We need more "Bort" license plates in the gift shop. I repeat, we are sold out of "Bort" license plates.

— Inside the control room, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Bart: Dad? Homer: Aw, I kicked one of those stupid Itchy characters in the butt. Bart: Yeah. There's just no way to resist it, is there. [inside a gift shop] Marge: I want all five t-shirts to say "Best Vacation Ever". Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson: your son has been arrested. Woman: I'd be terrible embarrassed if _I_ were that boy's mother. Marge: [groans] Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson: we've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son. Marge: Mmm...

— Son, husband, what's the difference?, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Marge: Oh, I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die. Officer: OK, throw her in the hole. Marge: Oh, please: it was just a figure of speech!

— Marge in Homer and Bart's detention cell, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Frink: You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving. Repairman: How much time do we have, professor? Frink: [checks clipboard] Well, according to my calculations, the robots won't go berserk for at least 24 hours. [Scratchy robot grabs men by the throat] [Itchy robot goes after another man] Oh, I forgot to, er, carry the one.

— A small miscalculation, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Marge: I have nothing to say to you. Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

— Homer, master flowcharter, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Lisa: Dad, I think you're wrong about that robot trying to be your friend. Homer: Lisa! [robot swipes at him with ax] Don't [swipe!] contradict [swipe!] your [swipe!] elders! [swipe! Homer's two hairs are cut off] Aah! My hair. You chopped off my hair! Oh God, I'm ugly.

— Truth is slow to dawn sometimes, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Bart: A chopper! We're saved! Man: [in Itchy costume] Hey! You're the guys that didn't like our capering. When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent you. [kicks Bart and Homer]

— Hell hath no fury like an Itchy scorned, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

[the robots close in] Marge: Oh, my. It looks like we're doomed. Homer: Back, you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me...and maybe the boy!

— He got that part right, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Lisa: Dad! The flash must have scrambled their circuits. Homer: What are you, the narrator? Lisa: Aah! Just keep taking pictures! [Homer snaps another shot and an Itchy collapses] Bart: [grabbing its mallet] I'll get more cameras! [runs over to camera shop, smashes window, grabs cameras] [turns back] Smashy, smashy! [smashes another window] Marge: I don't approve of that...

— Not the time for approval, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Bart: [German accent] Hey mouse...say cheese. [snaps picture; an Itchy robot collapses] With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero. [the family snaps more photos] [Homer emerges from a pile of robots] Homer: Die, bad robots, die! [laughs] With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.

— Yeah, real dry, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Bart: Who would have thought that our visit to Itchy and Scratchy Land would turn out to be our best vacation ever? Lisa: Yeah, best ever! Marge: Are you two bonkers? We almost got killed...not to mention all the embarrassment I suffered. Lisa: But Mom, it's exactly what you wanted in a vacation: it brought us together as a family, we got a lot of good exercise outdoors, and we have so many memories. Marge: [pause] You know, you're right. This truly _was_ the best vacation ever. Now let us never speak of it again.

— "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Meyers: As Roger Meyers Jr., the owner of the park, I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots, and to show my appreciation, here are two free passes. Homer: But there are five of us. Meyers: [angry] Here are two free passes! Homer: That's better.

— I don't get it, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Frink: Man, if this is happening here, I'd hate to think of what's happening in Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land, n-hey. [shot of empty parking lot in said park] Booth man: [French accent] Hello? Itchy and Scratchy Land open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

— Art imitates life, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Marge: I hope you realize now that violence on TV may be funny, but it's not so funny when that violence is happening to you. Bart: [smug] But it _would_ be funny to someone who was watching us. Marge: Hmm... Lisa: No, Mom, he's right. [takes off shoe] Observe: [throws it at Bart] [Marge laughs involuntarily; Lisa and Bart laugh too] Marge: Oh, my! Lisa, go to your room. Lisa: Aw...

— Marge refuses to see the light, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

No sports, no rock, no information, For mindless chatter, we're your station!

— KBBL radio's jingle, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Barlow: Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby Quagmire, you ask, oh reasonable listener? Because this town is under the stranglehold of a few tie-dyed tree-huggers who would rather play hackeysack than lock up the homeless.

— Those wonderful conservative theories, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Marge: [hearing radio] Mmm...this sounds awfully controversial. Lisa, you _know_ I don't like controversy in this house. Lisa: I don't like him either, Mom, but I'm doing a report on local politics for my school project. Bart: You think you're so big because your class always gets to do projects. [condescending] Well, um, I'm doing a school project on, er, fireworks. [displays a bundle] Marge: Mmm...Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that. [takes bundle, douses it in sink, throws it away] [at school] Skinner: And now, as a special sendoff and a way to say "Gong Hei Fatt Choy" to our visiting Chinese principals, Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display. [motions to Bart] [Bart looks at Edna and groans as she gives him "F"] Princ. 1: All week, he promise big firework display. Princ. 2: Bad student. Princ. 1: Uh-uh...bad principal.

— "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Barlow: So, my friends, let's just junk those Dumbocrats and their bleeding-heart smellfare program. Lisa: Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning. Can we listen to something else? Homer: When _I'm_ driving the car, _I_ get to choose the radio station. When _you're_ driving, we'll listen to _your_ radio station. [scene switch to Lisa driving and smiling as she listens to John Parr's "St. Elmo's Fire" theme] Homer: [moans] I can't take this any more! Let's switch back.

— Springfield, where the driving age is eight, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Barlow: All right, my friends, let's go to the phones. First up is Bob from South Springfield. Welcome to you, sir. Bob: Hello, Birch. Long-time listener, first-time caller. Kudos for bringing the public back to the Republican party. It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all Johnny Hatemongers, Charlie Bible Thumps, or even -- God forbid -- George Bushes. Lisa: [gasps] That sounds like Sideshow Bob! Homer: Yes, ma'am. Sideshow Bob, yakking it up on the old yak box. Lisa: Dad, I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who Sideshow Bob is. Homer: Phew!

— Lisa, making it easier on Daddy, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Lisa: Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Klown's sidekick. In 1990 he framed Krusty for armed robbery and Bart got him put in jail. Homer: Uh huh. Lisa: When he got out, he married Aunt Selma and tried to murder her. Homer: Oh, Side_show_ Bob.

— Placing the emphasis carefully, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Lisa: Bart, your mortal enemy is on the radio! [turns it on] Marty: It's time for more deeee-mentia with Dr. Demento. Bart: Aah! [tosses radio out window] Marty: And now, "The Funny Five"! Lisa: I meant your _other_ mortal enemy. Sideshow Bob. Bart: [gasping] Sideshow Bob? Oh. I'm only ten and I already got two mortal enemies.

— It's not clear which is more frightening, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Quimby: And this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants. [people gab amongst themselves] Abe: What's in it for us? Jasper: Yeah, give us something we like or we'll ride you out of town on a rail! Quimby: Ahem, well, uh, what do you people like? Jasper: Sleep. Man: Sexy dames, and plenty of 'em. Abe: Maaatloock! [murmurs of assent] Quimby: Well, I suppose I could name it the "Matlock Expressway". [everyone cheers]

— His honor polls the electorate, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Bob: [on the radio] But it would be terribly myopic of me to blame all my current woes on one spiky-haired little simpleton. Barlow: Mm hm, myopic. Or to say the least, intransigent. Now you mentioned some woes there. Bob: Well...you see, Birch, I'm presently incarcerated. [scene switch to prison where a riot is taking place] Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Hah! Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they? [Bob ducks as a toilet smashes overhead] Oh, really, now! This _is_ a personal call.

— Inconsiderate rioters, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Barlow: My friends, isn't this just typical? Another intelligent conservative here, railroaded by our liberal justice system, just like [reads lists] Colonel Oliver North, officer Stacey Koons, and cartoon Smokespeson Joe Camel. [scene switch back to Bart listening to walkman in class] Well, I've had it! I am going to make it my mission to see that our friend Bob is set free. Bart: Nooo! [class stops, looks at him] Edna: Well, _despite_ Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free democratic elections.

— Bart's secret pro-apartheid agenda, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Barlow: [on the radio] My friends, Bob is a political prisoner. I want every loyal listener to do everything they can to get him out of jail. Moe: All right, you heard the man. [pulls out a box] One grenade each. [hands them out] Barney: Moe, I think he meant through nonviolent, grassroots political action. Moe: Aw, geez, really, you think so? [pause] All right, give 'em back. [everyone moans] C'mon, everybody, give 'em back. Hey. Hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?

— Fire in the hole, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Quimby: Very well. If that is the way the winds are blowing, let no one say I don't also blow. [dials phone] [scene shift to Bob leaving prison] By special order of the mayor of Springfield, you are hereby granted a full and complete pardon. Congratulations, Robert Underdunk Terwilliger. Bob: Aah! [falls off cliff into water] Guard: [calling down] Boat's on the other side. Bob: Yes, thank you.

— By the way, he was being sarcastic, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Burns: Hail, brothers. Coranon Silaria, Ozoo Mahoke. [everyone answers "Mahoke"] Now, then, gentlemen, the mayoral campaign is upon us. And if we hope to defeat this Joe Quimby, we need a candidate with name recognition and media savvy -- a true leader who'll do exactly as he's told. Barlow: Monty, I'm way ahead of you. If you'll just open that door you'll see the next mayor of Springfield. [door opens to reveal a water cooler; everyone applauds] [the cooler bubbles] Senator: What'd it say? Barlow: No, no, no, Bob. Bob, come in! Bob: [enters wrapped in a US flag] A fine "Mahoke" to you all. Hibbert: Why, he's even better. Ranier: I agree. I like the human touch.

— At the Republican Party headquarters, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Skinner: Now, students, I want you to be on your best behavior for this carefully-choreographed media event. Now this means there is to be no wising-off, no face-making, and no grass-eating. This means you, Ralph. Ralph: [through a full mouth] Yes, sir.

— The candidates speak at Springfield Elementary, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Bob: Hello, children. [with malice] Hello, Bart. Bart: Eep. Bob: Young friends, my opponent, Joe Quimby, is confused about your school system. Do you know what he does? He flip-flops. [does backflips; children marvel] Sometimes he doesn't know whether he's coming or going. [walks funny; children clap and cheer] He wants to sell your future short. [shrinks, walks sideways; children clap more] Lisa: Hmm. Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight. We're going to have to stoop to the lowest common denominator. Bart: I can do that. [they jump into Quimby's arms] Quimby: Aah! Help! I'm being attacked by...things! [cameras turn from Bob juggling to Quimby] Lisa: [chilidishly] [giggles] Uncle Mayor was just saying that us kids are the most important natural resource we have. Kent: More important than _coal_?! Quimby: [uncertain] Uh, yes.

— Kent "living in the 19th century" Brockman, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Bob: That was a _big_ mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

— Bob chides Bart for his stunt, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Singers: Without a Mayor Quimby, our town would really sink, [a garbage truck with a "Vote Quimby" ad empties a bin] We wouldn't have a tire yard, or a mid-size roller rink. [Quimby grins next to burning tires, then roller skates] We wouldn't have our gallows, or our shiny Bigfoot trap, [Quimby grins through noose, then smiles next to trap] It's not the mayor's fault that the stadium collapsed. [Quimby surveys damage sadly, then shrugs and smiles] Voice: Quimby. If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you. Paid for by the "Mayor Quimby for Mayor" Mayoral Committee.

— A campaign ad for Diamond Joe, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Bart: [to passers-by] Hey Four-eyes! Vote Quimby. Hey Beardo! Vote Quimby. Lisa: This time he's the _lesser_ of two evils. Jimbo: Uh, yeah, yeah. I love Grimby. Uh, can I have some more bumper stickers, please, dude? [Bart gives him some] [Jimbo walks back to shopping cart with Milhouse inside, taped up with bumper stickers, and covers Milhouse's eyes with one] All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey. [Kearney pushes the cart down a hill] Milhouse: Aah! What's happening?!

— Moe Grimby for mayor?, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Abe: {That Quimby fellow promised to build us a Matlooock Expressway. How're you going to top that, smart guy?} Bob: {Hmm. Well, how's this? I'll not only build the expressway, I will spend the rest of this afternoon patiently listening to your interminable anecdotes.} Abe: {Hot ziggety-zam! Me first. [old people surround Bob, grinning] Not many people know I owned the first radio in Springfield. Weren't much on the air then, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A!" he'd say, then "B". "C" would usually follow --} Bob: {[groans] Oh...}

— A tough promise to keep, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

[scene shows prisoners going in a revolving door and coming out immediately] Voice: Mayor Quimby supports revolving door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob -- a man twice convicted of attempted murder. [scene shows prisoners leaving on escalator and ski lift] Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for mayor.

— A campaign ad for Sideshow Bob, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

King: The League of Uninformed Voters presents the Springfield Mayoral Debates. I'm your moderator, Larry King. Now, a word to our audience: even though we're being broadcast on...Fox, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering. [audience hoots and hollers] King: Oh...

— Enacting the status quo, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Quimby: [with a cold] I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people. [Bart hands him some pills; Quimby eats a handful, then stumbles on stage] Lisa: I hope that flu doesn't affect his performance out there. Bart: Don't worry...he's taken a million of these capsules. [box says "Extra-Drowsy Formula"]

— Eep, indeed, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Barlow: Sideshow Bob, councilman Les Whinen says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor. Sir, what do you have to say about that? Bob: I'd say that Les Whinen ought to do more thinking and less whining! [audience laughs and claps] Lisa: There's no councilman Les Whinen. Bart: [chuckling] Good line, though. Barlow: Mayor Quimby, you're well-known, sir, for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that _your_ house was ransacked by thugs, _your_ family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths, you try to open the door but there's too much _blood_ on the knob -- Quimby: What is your question? Barlow: My question is about the budget, sir.

— The Springfield Mayoral Debates, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Homer: [looks at ballot information] Hmm...I don't agree with his Bart- killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy. [votes for Bob] Krusty: Well, he framed me for armed robbery, but man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut. [votes for Bob]

— Springfield voters, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Kent: And the results are in. For Sideshow Bob, 100\%, for Joe Quimby, 1\%. And we remind you there is a 1\% margin of error.

— The election results, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Homer: Aah! It's the Rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes!

— Homer is awakened by construction, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Bob: So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking construction of our new Matlock Expressway. [camera pulls back to show expressway looming overhead] Now, I am a fair man. You will have 72 hours to vacate. At that time we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons. Marge: Homer, we've got to stop them! Homer: I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwigiger. And no one in my family's going to stand for it. [Abe honks horn from atop expressway] Abe: Move your goldurn house, son!

— No one except him, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Skinner: Bart, by special request of the Mayor's office, you are going to be left back. Bart: Oh. You mean I have to repeat the fourth grade? Skinner: Well, yes, but not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten. Bart: Kindergarten?! Edna: [pops champagne cork] Hah!

— A cause for celebration, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Teacher: [slowly] Now, boys and girls, who knows what this is? Bart: [cocky] Triangle. Teacher: Very good, Bart! You have first choice of toys for free play. Bart: Cool! I call the Flintstone Phone. [dials it] Fred: Yabba dabba do, I like talkin' to you!

— I'll bet you do, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Homer: We're going to lose our house and end up living under a bridge like common trolls. Lisa: I don't think Bob won that election legally. I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes and another convicted felon would get so few.

— Sound reasoning, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Man: [carrying large stack of paper] Here you go: the results of last month's mayor election. All 48000 voters and who each one of them voted for. Lisa: I thought this was a secret ballot. Man: Ehh.

— Secret, schmecret, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Bart: So whoever it is who wrote that note wants to meet us here tonight? Lisa: This is so cool, Bart. We're just like Woodward and Bernstein. Bart: Yeah, except their dad wasn't waiting in the car reading Archie comics. Homer: Stuck-up Riverdale punks...think they're too good for me!

— Homer's greatest failing, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Man: You're on the right track. Follow the names. Bart: How the hell do you know? Man: [takes a drag] I can't tell you who I am, but I worked on the campaign. Homer: [pulling up in car, shines headlights] Hey, Mr. Smithers! Smithers: Well, you might as well give me a ride home now. [in the car] I've never gone behind Mr. Burns' back before but Sideshow Bob's ultra-conservative views, er, conflict with my...choice of lifestyle. All I can do is give you one name: Edgar Neubauer. Find him, and you'll find your answer.

— At long last, the truth about Waylon J., "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Lisa: This is hopeless. They're going to demolish our house for sure. We're going to have to move into a Motel Six. Bart: But Dad can't afford six dollars a night!

— The quest for Edgar Neubauer seems hopeless, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Bart: Lis! Lis, come here, I found him! I found Edgar Neubauer. [points at a tombstone: "Edgar Neubauer: Beloved husband and old grouch (1831-1909)"] Oh my God...the dead have risen and they're voting Republican. Lisa: [gasp] No, Bart, don't you see? Dead people can't vote. [pulls out list, looks at another tombstone] Prudence Goodwyfe, died 1641. She voted for Bob too. [gasps] So did Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper. [walking] Even the pet cemetery voted for Bob, look! Mr. and Mrs. Bananas, Humphrey Boa-Gart...oh, my poor dead kitty, please not you too... [checks list, sees "Snowball I"] [angry] All right, Bob, now it's personal!

— The Mayor crosses the line, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Hutz: Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election? Bob: No, I did not. Hutz: [pause] Kids, help. [the judge shrugs] Bob: Oh, I don't mind. We want these children to feel justice has been served. That way they can sleep soundly tonight on their hard, feculent motel pillows.

— I'd have preferred the term, "Unsoft, somewhat rotten motel head rests", "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Bob: Well Bart, Lisa...here I am. Lisa: I have a plan. I think we can trap him. [they walk up; Lisa takes a sip of water] You know, Sideshow Bob, I believe you when you say you're innocent. Bob: Indeed I am. Lisa: Because we all know you're a naive pawn -- puppet, if you will -- of the most diabolical political genius Springfield has ever known: Birchibald T. Barlow! [Barlow stammers incoherently] You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you? Bart: You were just Barlow's lackey. Lisa: You were Ronny to his Nancy! Bart: Sonny to his Cher! Lisa: Ringo to his rest of the Beatles!

— Ringo "Excuse the lateness of my reply"?, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Bob: Enough! Lies, lies, lies! I did it! I did it all! [everyone gasps] There. Bart: We want the truth! Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth- handler, you. Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities. Judge: Will you get to the point?

— "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Bob: Only _I_ could have executed such a masterpiece of electoral fraud. And I have the records to prove it! Here, just look at these -- [pulls out binders and floppy disks] each one a work of Machiavellian art. Judge: But why? Bob: Because you _need_ me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king. That's why I did this: to protect you from yourselves. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run. Judge: Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest. Bob: What? Oh yes, all that stuff I did.

— Mayor Bob digs his own grave (and saves), "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Lisa: Bart, we did it! Now we get to keep our house and you get to go back to the fourth grade. Bart: Oh, tomorrow we were going to find out who the dish ran away with. Lisa: The spoon, Bart. Bart: [gasps, smiles] Of course!

— Lisa wrecks the ending, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Bob: Someday I'll have my vengeance -- someday, when I find my way out of this savage, roach-ridden cesspool -- [camera pulls back to "Springfield Minimum Security Prison"] Man: Say, Terwilliger's a Yalie. [shot of men in sculling boat] Coxswain: Bob! Come along. We need an eighth to row against the Princeton alums. Bob: Princeton?! [groans] Coxswain: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke...

— No more teatimes with Snake, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Marge: Hello once again. As usual, I must warn you all that this year's Hallowe'en show is very, very scary, and those of you with young children may want to send them off for bed -- [someone hands her a paper; she reads it] Oh, my! It seems the show is _so_ scary that Congress won't even let us show it. Instead they've suggested the 1947 Glenn Ford classic movie, "200 Miles to Oregon". [a clip from the movie shows]

— Introductions, "Treehouse of Horror V"

[picture shows a green line] Bart: There's nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust your picture. _We_ are controlling the transmission. Homer: What's that, boy? We're in control? Hey, look! I can see my voice! [laughs] Brrr...hee! Heeee! [changing pitches] Blub blub blub blub blub! Thiiis...iiis my vooice...on teeeveeeee -- Bart: Dad! You're ruining the mood. Homer: Sorry. Bart: For the next half-hour, _we_ will control what you see and hear. You are about to experience the terror and foul horror of...The Simpsons Hallowe'en Special. [green line turns into outline of five family members]

— Bart opens the show, "Treehouse of Horror V"

[screen shows "Tuesday"] Homer: Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there. Marge: Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house? Homer: D'oh! [screen shows "Wednesday"] Homer: Well, it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there again. Marge: When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door? Homer: D'oh! D'oh! [screen shows "Thursday"] [family drives along in sullen silence] Lisa: [gasps] Oh no! We left Grampa back at the gas station. [silence] What about Grampa?

— What _about_ him?, "Treehouse of Horror V"

[the Simpsons pull up, hop out of the car, and wave] Burns: Oh, goody: the Sea Monkeys I ordered have arrived. Heh heh heh, look at them cavort and caper. Smithers: Sir, they're the new winter caretakers for the lodge. Burns: Yes...they work hard and they play hard.

— And use Right Guard, probably, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Burns: This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was build on an ancient Indian burial ground and was the setting of satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials. Homer: [revolted] Ohh, John Denver. [they stop in front of the elevator, which opens and disgorges a river of blood] Burns: Hmm, that's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

— The five warning signs of a bad lodge, "Treehouse of Horror V"

[a chainsaw noise is heard] Bart: Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze. Willy: Why you little -- [thinking] No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis! Bart: What's haggis? Willy: [gasps] Boy...you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning. Bart: You mean "Shining". Willy: [sotto voce] Shh! You want to get sued? Now look, boy: if your Dad goes gaga, you just use that...Shin of yours to call me and I'll come a running. But don't be reading my mind between four and five. That's Willy's time!

— For thinking about haggis, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lives. Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that [closes car trunk] maybe it was doing _this_ that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families? Burns: Hmm...perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.

— The utmost respect for life, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Homer: [changing channels, seeing snow] Hmm. Cable's out. [switch scene to kitchen] Think I'll have a beer. [opens fridge] Hmm. Not a drop in the house. What do you know. Marge: Homer, I'm impressed! You're taking this quite well. Homer: [crazy] I'll kill you...I'll kill all of you! Marge: Homer! Homer: Sorry, sorry. Don't worry...there's plenty I can do to keep myself occupied. Maybe I'll check out that axe collection. [walks out, shuts door, then pops head back in] [evil] See you later... Lisa: Mom, is Dad going to kill us? Marge: We're just going to have to wait and see.

— Cavalier about death, "Treehouse of Horror V"

[a ghostly Moe materializes behind the bar] Moe: So, what'll it be, Homer? Homer: Moe...gimme a beer! Moe: No. Not unless you kill your family. Homer: Why should I kill my family? Moe: Uh...they'd be much happier as ghosts. Homer: You don't look so happy. Moe: [angry] Oh, I'm happy. I'm very happy -- la la la, la la la la. See? [grabs Homer] Now waste your family, and I'll give you a beer!

— Not a compelling argument, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Marge: Homer? Homey? Hmm...[notices typewriter] What he's typed will be a window into his madness. [reads it] "Feelin' fine". Woah! That's a relief. [lightning strikes, revealing "No TV and no beer make Homer go crazy" scribbled all over the walls] Mmm...this is less encouraging -- Homer: [bursting in] Hello! Marge: Aah! Homer: So what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV and No Beer Make Homer" something something. Marge: [timid] "Go Crazy"? Homer: Don't mind if I do!

— That wasn't an offer, "Treehouse of Horror V"

[Homer stuffs his face] Moe: [through door] Homer? It's Moe. Uh, look: some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward. Homer: Can't murder now: eating. Moe: Oh, for crying out loud...

— Homer's one-track mind, "Treehouse of Horror V"

[Homer chops through door] Homer: Heeeere's Johnny! [camera pulls back to reveal empty room] D'oh! [Homer chops through another door] Homer: Daaaaavid Letterman! Abe: Hi David, I'm Grampa. Homer: D'oh! [Homer chops through another door] Homer: [holding a ticking stopwatch] I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on "60 Minutes"! Family: Aah!

— The Simpsons learn the meaning of "fear", "Treehouse of Horror V"

Marge: [into microphone] Hello, police? This is Marge Simpson. My husband is on a murderous rampage. Over. [shot of Chief Wiggum listening] Wiggum: [sighs] Well thank God that's over. I was worried there for a second. [turns off radio]

— Unfamiliar with radio protocol, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Bart: Don't worry, Mom. I can use my...[looks confused] "Shinning"... to call Willy. [concentrates] [Willy watches TV in a little house] Kent: And that was the first time she'd ever flown a plane. Willy: Uh oh. The little fat boy and his family are in trouble. [runs outside, throws TV in the snow] I'm coming to rescue the lot of you! [opens door to lodge] All right, loony: show me what you got. [Homer drives an axe into his back] Aw, is that the best you can do? [collapses] Marge: Oh, my. I hope that rug was Scotchgarded.

— Marge, ever practical, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Lisa: Dad, look! [holds TV up] Homer: Television! Teacher, mother, [lusty] secret lover. Urge to kill...fading...fading...fading -- rising! Fading... fading [family sighs] Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow. [hours later, everyone is frozen] Man: [on TV] Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden! Bart: [with difficulty] Homer...change channel! Homer: Can't! Frozen! [music on TV: "One chorus line of people..."] Urge to kill...rising...

— Enough to make _anyone_ kill, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Homer: You know, Marge, I've had my share of troubles, but sitting here now with you and the kids in our cozy home in this beautiful free country...it just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy. Lisa: Dad! Your hand is jammed in the toaster! [everyone screams; Homer runs around] Homer: Aah! Get it off! Get it off! [slams it into things] Get it off of me! [throws it off, sighs, slumps down to floor] Bart: Dad! It's in there again!

— Three times lucky, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Homer: This shouldn't be too hard to fix...with the right tools. [breaks it open with a rock]

— Homer repairs the family toaster, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Homer: There...better than new! [puts final panel on toaster; inside lights blink] Now to take her for a test toast. [pops bread in; toaster flashes] What the -- [he grabs it; they both disappear] [they fly down a swirly vortex with clocks around them] Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time. Mr. Peabody: Correction, Homer: you're the second. Sherman: That's right, Mr. Peabody! Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you.

— Brazilian? Huh?, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos!

— "Treehouse of Horror V"

Homer: Aah! OK, don't panic -- remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day. [remembers Abe with hair and a tuxedo] Abe: If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine. Homer: Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future. [a mosquito flies in] Stupid bug! You go squish now! [swats it]

— Touching and swatting are different, "Treehouse of Horror V"