Movie Trivia

Homer: [gasps] Duck! I can't let the boys see me with you! Ned: What? Homer: [grunts, pushes Ned down] Hi! Lenny: Hey! Look, Homer's got one of those robot cars! [the car crashes] Carl: One of those _American_ robot cars.

— Carl the cynic, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Burns: {[to players] Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you.} Milhouse: {[to his parents] I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.}

— No plan too dastardly, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Homer: Well, I guess I should pay my share. Ned: [laughs] Relax, Homer. I keep telling you, you're my guest. Homer: Ooh, you brought me a nacho hat! Thanks, Ned. [dips a nacho in it, then eats it] [sings] Nacho, nacho man, I want to be a nacho man...

— Not as creative as "Baby on Board", "Homer Loves Flanders"

Stan: [calling a play] Blue 27 on three. Homer: If anyone can pull it off, it's Stan "The Boy" Taylor. Crowd: {Stan, Stan, he's our boy, If he can't do it, no one -- will.}

— Non-intuitive nicknames, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Homer: Hey! Somebody sign an autograph? Please? Somebody...sign an autograph? Hey, would you sign a...You fat, stupid jerks! [the players turn around] It was him! [points at Flanders] Stan: Ned? Is that -- Ned Flanders? Ned: Heidely-ho, Stanster. Homer: You know Stan Taylor? Stan: Know me? Ned Flanders saved me. I used to party all night and sleep with lingerie models until Ned and his bible group showed me that I could have more. Homer: Professional athletes, always wantin' more. Stan: Ned, they gave me the game ball, but I want you to have it. Homer: [gasps] Ned: Tell you what -- Homer Simpson here's just about the biggest Atom fan that's ever graced God's green earth. I bet he'd enjoy it even more than me! Stan: Sure, anything for Neddy. Here you go! Homer: Wow. Now I have four children. [to ball] You will be called "Stitchface".

— A rough name to start life with, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Ned: Oh, I guess it's time for me to duck again. Homer: No! I want everyone to know that -- [yells] this is Ned Flanders, my friend! Lenny: What'd he say? Carl: I dunno. Something about being gay.

— Something like that, yeah, "Homer Loves Flanders"

[Homer throws a picture into the garbage] Marge: Homer, that's our wedding photo! Homer: Marge, quit living in the past.

— "Homer Loves Flanders"

Ned: Heydily-ho, window buddy. Just wondering if you'd like to come over and give the new pool table a whirl. Homer: I'll be there. And this time, _you_ can be the Nacho Man. [both laugh] Lisa: Dad and Ned Flanders next? Hmph. What's next, A's on Bart's report card? [Marge, Lisa, and Bart laugh] Bart: [realizes] Hey!

— Slow reaction time, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Ned: [uneasy] Uh, be careful there, Homer, that is sort of a new table, heh heh, heh. Homer: Watch this, Ned. They don't call me "Springfield Fats" just because I'm morbidly obese! [tables legs break off under Homer's weight] _Now_ you've got a lawsuit on your hands. Just kidding.

— A bad time for joking, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Father sheep: What's wrong, Jeremiah? Jeremiah: It's not fair. My brother Joseph has a sin to confess. I wish I had one too. Father sheep: Oh, don't you see? You _do_ have a sin to confess -- the sin of envy. [sheep baa their laughter] Todd: It's all well and good for sheep, but what are we to do? Homer: Boring! Let's watch something else. Rod+Todd: Aw... Ned: Now, boys, Mr. Simpson is the guest. He gets to decide what to watch. Homer: Yeah... [Homer flips through channels which all seem to be blank] Hey, what gives? I thought you had a satellite dish. Ned: Sure doodily-do. Over 230 channels locked out!

— A good investment, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Maude: OK, boys, time for bed. Say good night. Rod+Todd: Good night, Daddy. Good night, Uncle Homer. Homer: Aw, Uncle Homer. Ned, since you've let me spend time with your family, I want you to get to know _my_ family. [they go to Moe's] Hey everyone. Barney: Hey. Homer: I'd like to introduce Ned Flanders, my best friend. Moe: Hey, I don't want no one in here with their "evils of alcohol" rap. Ned: Wait a second: you're the man at the hospital who reads to sick children. [flashback to Moe reading the end of "My Friend Flicka" and sniffling] Moe: [grabs Ned] If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt.

— Who woulda thunk it?, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Marge: Honey, I'm so glad you're ho -- Homer: Can't talk, seeing Flanders. Later, sex. Marge: Hmm...

— Short and sweet, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Ned: Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middlemen who jacked up the price, and let's not forget the humane but determined boys over at the slaughterhouse. [Homer appears at the window] Homer: Hiya. Flanders. Ooh, dinner! May I join you? [climbs in] [digs in amidst gasps from the Flanders clan] Ned: Homer, I'd love to chitty-chat, but tonight's the night I do my charity work. Homer: Oh yeah, the judge made me do that once too. Stupid lack of public urinals.

— Much-needed city funds, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Homer: Come on! We've been here for fifteen minutes! Can't you see they're sucking the life out of us? Ned: Homer...maybe you'd have more fun at Moe's tonight. Homer: Aw, for some reason, Moe's always closed on Wednesdays Moe: [in a corner, reading] "And then they realized, they were no longer little girls: they were little women." [sniffles]

— The many lives of Morris the Bartender, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Marge: Homey, I'm very proud of you, but don't you think you're spending too much time with Ned? Your family needs you too. Homer: Oh, of _course_ you'd say something like that, Marge. You've hated Ned for years! In fact, you wanted to bash his head in with a pipe. Marge: That was you! Homer: Love, Marge. Don't hate -- love.

— Back to the sixties for a second, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Bart: The Flanders are a bunch of geeks, man. Homer: The Flandereses are not geeks! -- OK, Rod and Todd are, and the wife has a thing for me, but she hides it behind a mask of low- key hostility -- but we've gotta give this thing a chance! I want the two families to take a trip together this weekend. Bart: No way, Jose! Homer: Yes way! Lisa: Don't worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons. My advice is to ride it out, make the occasional smart-alec quip, and by next week we'll be back to where we started from, ready for another wacky adventure. Bart: Ay, caramba! Lisa: That's the spirit.

— Meta-humor galore, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Marge: I hope the children enjoy my special fruit punch. Lisa: We got the recipe from the Fruit Punch Advisory Board. Maude: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. Our boys don't eat sugar. Marge: But why would the Advisory Board give us bad advice? Maude: No sugar! [Marge and Lisa groan] [in the woods, in a clearing] Todd: Thank you, but we're not allowed. Bart: Aw, it's OK. There's no sugar in Pixie Stix. [Rod tries some and his eyes bug out] Rod: Don't hog it all, smelly-head. Todd: Go to hell, zit face! [They roll around fighting for it]

— What was the root of all evil again?, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Homer: I'd like to propose a toast to the coming together of the Simpsons and Flanders. If this were a more perfect world, we'd all be known as the Flimpsons. So here's to my best friend, Ned. Ned: [sighs] Well, sir...my entire family is very touched -- Homer: Food fight! [All the Simpsons get into it while the Flanders just get pelted] Homer: [later] Whatcha doin'? Ned: We're heading back. Todd's got Zesty Italian in his eye. Homer: Oh, OK. But at least let me take the boat out for one last spin? Ned: Oh, I don't know -- Homer: Too late! Ned: [groans] Oh Lord, please give me the strength to endure Homer Simpson's friendship? [Homer jumps the boat high out of the water right onto Ned's car] Homer: Your car. [looks at the full parking lot] Boy, what are the odds, huh? [laughs]

— "Homer Loves Flanders"

[Ned wakes up, gasping] Maude: What's the matter, Ned? Ned: I...I think I hate Homer Simpson. [Homer wakes up, gasping] Homer: Marge...I think I hate Ted Koppel! No, wait, I find him informative and witty. 'Night.

— _I'll_ sleep easier, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Homer: Hey! What's up for today, Neddy? Ned: Uh, er, Homer, we're gonna visit the boys' grandmother. Family only, you know? Homer: Right! No reporters. Ned: No, I, I...I mean just the Flanders family. Homer: [slowly] Oh, OK. [goes back through the hedge] Todd: Oh boy! Grandma! Ned: We're not goin' anywhere. Todd: But you said -- Ned: Er...sometimes to keep from hurting someone's feelings, you have to say things that aren't exactly -- Rod: Lies make baby Jesus cry.

— You've been told, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Ned: We did it! We got rid of -- [siren wails; Ned is pulled over] Ned: I told you, officer, I'm not "hepped up on Goofballs." Wiggum: [bored] Yeah, right. [a church tour bus drives by] Lovejoy: Ned Flanders! I never would have imagined. [Ned feels weak with shame, then faints] Wiggum: High as a kite, everybody! Goofballs! [forces him into the back of the police car] Yeah, where's your Messiah now, Flanders?

— He's hepped up too, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Ned: I can't do it, Maude. I can't face their accusing eyes! Maude: Oh, don't worry, Ned. This is a house of love and forgiveness. [Ned opens the door] Crowd: There he is, Ned Flanders! The fallen one. The evil one. Bet he's the one who wrote "Homer" all over the bathroom. Ned: Oh, I think we should leave. Homer: Hey, Flanders, over here! I got us some kick-ass seats.

— The shame and humiliation, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Lovejoy: Before I get started on today's sermon entitled, "What Ned Did," I'd like to congratulate Homer Simpsons on his recent charity work. [everyone claps politely] Homer: [kisses audience] I live to give! Lovejoy: That's beautiful. We appreciate the kisses.

— "Homer Loves Flanders"

Ned: Oh, can't you see this man isn't a hero? He's annoying. He's very, very annoying! Mrs. Lovejoy: [haughty] Well. Ned Flanders is just jealous. Moe: Aw, the guy's hepped up on Goofballs. Abe: Let's sacrifice him to our god! [everyone is silent] Come on, we did it all the time in the thirties.

— Paganism in the twentieth century, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Homer: How dare you talk about Ned Flanders like that. He's a wonderful, kind, caring man -- maybe even more so than me. There have been times when I lost patience with him -- even lashed out at him! -- but this man has turned every cheek on his body. If everyone here were like Ned Flanders, there'd be no need for heaven: we'd already be there. [everyone seems sympathetic] Lovejoy: Um...well, I think we all owe Ned a heartfelt apology. We were wrong to doubt him. Lenny: Hey, that guy's right!

— Give 'em hell, Timothy, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Ned: Thank you so much, Homer. You're a true friend. Homer: Right back at you, buddy. Now how about that game at the Pitch'N'Putt? Ned: Just try and stop me. Bart: I don't get it, Lis. You said everything would be back to normal, but Homer and Flanders are still friends. Lisa: Yeah. Maybe this means the end of our wacky adventures. ["Next Thursday at 8:00pm"] Homer: Guess what, everybody? My great uncle Boris died and left us his old country house! There's only one catch: they say it's haunted. But I'm sure we can prove 'em wrong by spending the weekend there. Ned: Hi-diddely-ho, neighbor! Homer: Get lost, Flanders. Ned: Okily dokily. [Bart and Lisa sigh]

— Back to normal at last, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Bart: After breakfast, me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine. We got a tip from a six-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there. Lisa: And I'm going to the park to jam with "The Little White Girls Blues Quartet." Wanna come with me, Daddy-O? Homer: I'd love to, honey, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest today. Bart: Think you'll win? Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. Bart: Gotcha.

— The wisdom of age, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Bart: Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom. Homer: [cheery] Push her down, son.

— "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Marge: Now each one of you take a floor and get started. Homer: I call the basement! Bart+Lisa: Fine. Homer: [questioningly] D'oh? [Turns on the light in the basement, sees the huge mess] D'oh!

— The cleaning spree begins, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Bart: [whining] I'm tired. I'm hungry. Can't we just buy a new house? Marge: Oh, Bart, cleaning doesn't have to be a chore! Here, work to the music. [turns on the radio] Ernie: You load sixteen tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt... Bart: Amen, Ernie.

— Apt cleaning-music, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Homer: All done. Marge: You're not done. I want you to throw away these old calendars and TV Guides. Homer: Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV Guides: [fondly] so many memories. [opens one] "Gomer upsets Sergeant Carter"...oh, I'll never forget that episode. [imagines] Carter: [annoyed] Pyle! Gomer: Shazam! Carter: Pyle! Gomer: Shazam! Carter: Pyle! Gomer: Shazam! Homer: Heh heh heh...Shazam.

— Homer "cleans" the basement, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Marge: Stop remembering TV and get back to work! Homer: What's the point of all this cleaning? Are we so vain?!

— Apparently, yes, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Homer: {[reads label on the Mr. Cleanser bottle] Hmm..."Use only in a well-ventilated area." Shove it, buddy! [pours some out, starts scrubbing] Ooh... [the fumes get to him, and the logos on the cleansers come alive and look at him evilly] Huh? [the creatures all jump him]} Mr. Cleanser: {[in a Russian accent] I must destroy you!} Homer: {Aah! Aah! Aah!} Marge: {Homer! What's going on down there?} Homer: {Nothing.} Marge: {Then stop screaming so loud!} Homer: {OK...oh. Oh. Oh.}

— Pointless warning labels, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Marty: Now let's try another lucky phone call. [phone rings] Wiggum: Help! Help us! They stole our uniforms, guns, and tasers! Snake: [wearing a police uniform] Fry, piggy. [charges taser] Wiggum: No, no -- no don't -- aargh! Aargh! A little to the left... Ah, that's the stuff. Bill: Oh, I'm sorry. The phrase is, "KBBL is going to give me something stupid." Pretty weird, hyuck, hyuck. ["sproing" noise]

— It's probably just a joke, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Marty: Let's try one more number. Homer: Y'ello? Bart: [grabs phone] KBBL is going to give me something stupid! Marty: Well, hot dog! We have a weiner! [car alarm noise] Homer: [grasping air] Y'ello? Bart: I won, I won! Marty: You win your choice of $10,000 or -- what's our gag prize this week, Bill? Bill: [raucous] A full-grown African Elephant! Bart: Well, all that money sounds mighty tempting, Marty, but I think I'm going to have to go with the elephant. Homer: [to Marge, happily] He's taking the elephant instead of the money. Marty: [whispering] The kid wants the elephant! Bill: We don't have an damn elephant. Marty: Don't whisper into the mike! Bill: Ahem, kid, the elephant's a gag prize. Nobody takes the gag prize. [nervous laughter] You want the cash. Bart: [indignant] I want the elephant! Homer: Heh, heh, stick it to the man!

— Homer, forever anti-authority, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love! Marge: Or double-ply windows. They look just like regular windows but they'll save us 4\% on our heating bill. [long pause] Well they will. Lisa: You all seem to be forgetting the most important thing...which is that it's wrong to imprison an animal! [long pause] Homer: Lisa, go to you room.

— Homer deals with opposition, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Marty: [sheepish laughter] We appreciate you coming down, but, heh, look kid, the thing us, uh heh heh...we don't _have_ an elephant, heh heh. Bill: Come on, kid: just take the money, huh? Otherwise we might get fired. You don't want us to get fired, do you? Bart: Ehh, either way. [the DJs gasp]

— The cruelty of ten-year-olds, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Marty: We think we know how your mind works, Bart. So how about this: we pay your principal $10,000 to pull down his pants and keep them down for the rest of the school year, ha ha! Skinner: I'll do it, Bart. Bart: Ermmm...no. Bill: OK, OK...what if we use the $10,000 to, er, surgically transform Skinner here into, er...some kind of a lobster-like creature? Skinner: Now wait just a minute: that wasn't discussed with me.

— Going over his head, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Boss: Look, our ratings are down, and the station is being swamped with angry calls and letter-bombs. [A few letter-bombs explode in a pile] And it's all your fault! Bill: Yes it is, ma'am. Boss: This is the DJ 3000. It plays CDs automatically, and it has three distinct varieties of inane chatter. [presses a button] DJ 3000: [stilted] Hey, hey. How about that weather out there? Woah! _That_ was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog! We have a weiner. Bill: Man, that thing's great! Marty: _Don't_ praise the machine! Boss: If you don't get that kid an elephant by tomorrow, the DJ 3000 gets your job. [Marty punches it] DJ 3000: Those clowns in congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns. Bill: [laughs] How does it keep up with the news like that?

— Misplaced admiration, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Marge: Homer...it looks like it could gore. Homer: Heh heh...it _does_ look like Al Gore. Bart: [admiring] Ew, he smells worse than anything. Hey you, elephant! Lift me up on your back, man. [elephant stuffs him in its mouth] Marge: Bart! [Bart gets out with a plop] Bart: [nervous laughter] He tried to kill me.

— Examining the elephant, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Marge: I really think this is a bad idea. Homer: Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

— Pros and cons of keeping the elephant, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

[Stampy trumpets] Homer: What's he yelling about? Lisa: He's hungry. Here you go Stampy: [holds a platter] eat it slow. It has to last for -- [Stampy grabs it all at once] You ate it too fast. Homer: Maybe if we tied it down so it couldn't move it wouldn't get so hungry. Lisa: You can't do that, Dad, it's cruel! Homer: Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the back yard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. Well, excuse me if I'm cruel! [Stampy stuffs Homer in his mouth; Homer struggles out] Now I've had my head in an elephant, a hippo, and a giant sloth.

— Three for impressive three, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

[Stampy lies weakly on the ground] Lisa: He can't just eat peanuts, Dad, he needs plants to live. Homer: [crafty] Plants, eh? [At the Springfield Arboretum "(Tree place)"] Bart: Strip the bark now, Stampy. Homer: Hey: any more arboretums around here? Man: No!

— Too much of a good thing, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Homer: {That bird! He's killing the elephant. Stop him!} Lisa: {No, Dad, he's grooming him.} Homer: {[crafty] Grooming him, eh? [later, at home]} Marge: {Ooh, Homer, there's a bird on your head!} Homer: {I know. He's grooming me. Mmm...elephant fresh.}

— Fresh as you can get, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Lisa: Taught Stampy any tricks yet, Bart? Bart: Nah. He doesn't want to learn, and I don't want to teach him. We get along fine. [SLH and S II walk by, balancing on balls] Homer: Hey, what's with them? Lisa: I think they're trying to get some attention. Homer: Oh. Good luck!

— "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Mrs. Lovejoy: That animal of yours is certainly bad-tempered. Lisa: Yeah, well you'd be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat and gawked at by a bunch of slack- jawed yokels. Man: Hey, Moe: look at that pointy-hairded little girl. Hyuck.

— Slack-jawed, indeed, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world. Marge: Stampy's food bill today was $300. Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.

— A fate worse than death, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the elephant twice and rode him once, right? Mrs. Van Houten: Yes, but we paid you $4. Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 more that you owe me. Mr. Van Houten: Get off our property.

— So much for that idea, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Man: Well, sir, I'll be honest with you: I need a large African elephant and I need it today. But I'm afraid this just isn't what I'm looking for. Homer: What do you mea? It's an elephant, isn't it? Man: Well, it is, and it isn't. If you understand what I mean. Homer: [pause] [happily] He likes peanuts.

— A good selling-point, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Warden: Our wildlife refuge is the ideal environment for your elephant: thousands of acres of simulated African savannah. Lisa: It's perfect, Dad. Homer: I only have two questions: "How much", and "Give it to me". Warden: Well, we really can't offer you any money, we're a non-profit organization. Homer: So your bid is zero. Warden: Well, we like to think of it as -- Homer: Thank you. Warden: You know I really think -- Homer: Thank you.

— Zero don't pay the bills, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Blackheart: Mr. Simpson, I think you'll find this amount more than fair. Lisa: Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer! His boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, and I'm pretty sure that check is ivory. Homer: Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is _less_ likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low. SLH: [growling] We...love...you. Lisa: Mr. Blackheart? Blackheart: Yes, my pretty? Lisa: Are you an ivory dealer? Blackheart: [laughs] Well, little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: whale-hunter, seal-clubber, president of the Fox network, and, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory. Bart: Dad, you can't do this. Stampy is my friend. Homer: Don't worry, son. I'll get you a new elephant. Blackheart: I'll take that one too. Homer: Done.

— Let's make a deal, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Blackheart: All right, I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy. Homer: Here's the keys. Blackheart: Elephants don't have keys. Homer: Well, I'll just keep these then.

— Little-known facts, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Bart: Don't worry, Stampy. I won't let Homer sell you to that ivory dealer. You and I are going to run away together. We'll keep to the back roads and make our way south. Then, if I know my geography, it's just twelve miles to Africa. OK, bud, very quietly: let's just sneak through -- [Stampy brushes him off and tromps off] Stampy! [walks through the Flanders' yard] Ned: [gasps] It's the four elephants of the apocalypse! Maude: That's horsemen, Ned. Ned: Well, getting closer.

— Elephants, horsemen...what's the difference?, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Lisa: Mom! Dad! Bart and Stampy are gone! Marge: Oh my Lord! Lisa: I bet it's 'cause of that horrible ivory dealer, [accusing] _Dad_. Homer: That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart. That wasn't part! [drives off looking] Piece of cake! All we have to do is follow the path of destruction. [looks up] Oh, stupid tornado! [laughs] Look! It got Patty and Selma. [the two sit in rocking chairs up in the air] Patty: Hmm. I feel it all the way up my skirt. Selma: Ditto.

— That's one powerful gale, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Yeah, right, lady: an elephant ran through your front yard. OK. [goes to another line] Wiggum...yeah, right, mister, mm hm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. OK. [goes to another line] Wiggum...Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson.

— You were last week to Flanders, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

[Homer drives into a preserved deer statue] Homer: D'oh! Lisa: A deer! Marge: A _female_ deer...

— The best Simpsons gag ever, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Homer: Son! You're OK. [hypnotic] And you led us to the precious ivory...[affable] and, of course, your lovable pet, who it's connected to. Bart: Dad, I can't let you sell him. Stampy and I are friends. [Stampy beats him with his trunk] Ow! Anyway, I want him to go to that animal refuge. Homer: Forget it! That elephant cost me thousands of dollars. Lisa: Dad, how would _you_ like to be sold to an ivory dealer? Homer: I'd like it fine. Bart: Even if he killed you and made your teeth into piano keys? Homer: Yes, of course I would! Who wouldn't like that -- to be part of the music scene?

— The difference between involvement and commitment, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Lisa: Dad! You're sinking. Homer: Huh? Marge: Get a rope, Bart? Homer: Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

— Homer at the Springfield tar pits, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

[Stampy pulls Homer from the tar pit] Homer: I'm alive. I'm alive! And I owe it all to this feisty feline. Lisa: Dad, "feline" means "cat". Homer: Elephant, honey. It's an elephant!

— Well, duh, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Homer: I guess it wouldn't be right to sell Stampy after he saved my life. And the boy seems to have some sort of relationship with him. Bart: Thanks, Dad. Homer: On the other hand, who's to say what's right these days, what with all our modern ideas...and products? [Bart and Lisa look angrily at him] All right, we'll give the stupid elephant to the stupid animal refuge. Kids: Yay! [hug Homer] Bart: Uh, Mom? We're stuck to Dad. Marge: Mmm, this is just what happened at the caramel factory. [pulls them off] Lisa: Ow, my hair! Homer: Mmm, caramel.

— We don't want to know, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

[Stampy butts another elephant] Marge: Gosh, I thought he'd be happier in his true habitat. Warden: Oh, I think he is. Marge: Then why is he attacking all those other elephants? Warden: Well, animals are not like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson. [Homer butts the warden repeatedly]

— "Jerk" about sums it up, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Homer: [sighs] Lousy job. Nothing exciting ever happens. [A fanfare plays; an emcee and a scantily clad woman appear] Emcee: Congratulations, Homer Simpson! You've just won the employee raffle. Homer: Woo hoo! What do I get? Emcee: The job of industrial chimney sweep. [Silence; a "BIG WINNER!" sign flashes in the background] Homer: Woo hoo!

— Delayed reaction, "Burns' Heir"

Burns: Careful, Smithers! That sponge has corners, you know. Smithers: I'll go find a spherical one, sir.

— Mr. Burns takes a bath, "Burns' Heir"

Man 1: All right! We're finally going to stop those corporate pigs from dumping that nuclear waste! Man 2: Oh, no! Our boat is sinking! Burns: It was I, you fools! The man you trusted wasn't Wavy Gravy at all! [tosses a guitar away] And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.

— Burns foils Greenpeace, "Burns' Heir"

Smithers: I got a mink chamois, sir, I hope it -- Oh my God! Mr. Burns is dead! [sobs] Why do the good always die so young? Burns: [rising from the water] You almost killed me! [strangles him] Smithers: Please...sir...[wraps a towel around him] You'll catch... cold...

— Devotion to duty, "Burns' Heir"

Burns: Smithers, do you realize if I had died, there would be no one to carry on my legacy. Due to my hectic schedule and lethargic sperm, I never fathered an heir. Now I have no one to leave my enormous fortune to. No one. Smithers: Ahem -- Burns: You, Smithers? Oh no, my dear friend. I've planned a far greater reward for you. When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me. [Opens a miniature coffin containing dead Burns and aghast Smithers] Smithers: Oh...goody.

— Contagious enthusiasm, "Burns' Heir"

Burns: Hello, I'm Montgomery Burns. Homer: Aah! Burns: Now then, I'm looking for a suitable young male heir to leave my fortune to when I pass away -- my vast, vast, _vast_ fortune. Vast. [audience chatters] Burns: Auditions will be tomorrow at my estate. And now, our feature presentation! [whispering from off camera] Oh, for -- oh, very well. ["For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" starts] [sings] Let's all go to the lobby, Let's all go to the lobby, Let's all go to the lobby, Get ourselves some snacks.

— Shameless plugs for popcorn, "Burns' Heir"

Milhouse: I have nothing to offer you but my love. Burns: I specifically said, no geeks! Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool... Burns: Next! Nelson: Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in! Burns: Oh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list. Martin: [walks out as music begins] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley! Ring, ring, ring went the bell! Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings -- oof! [Nelson belts him] Burns: Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

— The tryouts begin, "Burns' Heir"

Lisa: [clears throat] I propose to you that your heir not need be a boy. In this phallocentric society of ours -- Burns: Er, I don't know what phallocentric means, but no girls! Milhouse: [offstage, in drag] So much for Plan B.

— Lousy four-syllable words, "Burns' Heir"

Homer: That's it, boy: you're our last hope. Bart: Aw, I just don't want to be here, Dad. Besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on.

— Bart gets cold feet, "Burns' Heir"

Homer: OK, boy, I wrote down exactly what to say. Just read it and you're a shoo-in! Bart: [walks onstage, squints at cue cards] Hello, Mr. ...Kurns. I bad want...money now. Me sick. Homer: Ooh, he card-reads good. Bart: So pick please me, Mr. Burns. Homer: {[calling from offstage] It's "Kurns", stupid!} Marge: {No it's not!} Homer: {Disregard.}

— "Burns' Heir"

Marge: I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say? Homer: There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Heh heh heh -- right in the butt. That was great.

— A one-track mind, "Burns' Heir"

Burns: It's no use. I guess I'll have to leave all my money to the Egg Advisory Council. Eggs have gotten quite a bad rap lately, you know, Smithers. [A rock crashes through the window] Ooh, look! A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction. Smithers: I think it's a rock, sir. Burns: We'll see what the lab has to say about _that_.

— Rock, petrified bird...what's the difference?, "Burns' Heir"

Burns: Heh heh, look, Smithers -- a creature of pure malevolence. He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teat. [opens window] You there, boy! What day is this? Boy: [cockney accent] Today? Sir, why, it's Christmas Day! Burns: I was talking to _him_. You! What day is this? Bart: Huh? Burns: I'll tell you what day this is: today is the day you become my heir! [Bart throws a rock which hits Smithers in the head] Ooh, I like him a _lot_.

— "Burns' Heir"

Burns: Just sign here, and your son will stand to inherit my entire estate. Homer: Woo hoo! We're rich! Bart, get over to the mansion and open up all the windows. We want to get the old people smell out before we move in. Lisa: Dad, Mr. Burns hasn't passed away yet. Homer: Huh? Oh, right. So, I guess you're in OK shape, huh? No heart problems or anything? Burns: Well I -- Homer: Boo! [Abe collapses, struggling and groaning] Abe: [from the floor] I'm OK!

— One way to find out, "Burns' Heir"

Bart: Now that you've agreed to reap the windfall of my death, I must return to my large, empty mansion to rattle around and await the inevitable -- alone. Marge: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Homer: Yeah. Let's push him down the steps.

— That's not it, "Burns' Heir"

Marge: Bart, since he is giving you all of his money, maybe it would be nice if you'd spend some time with him. Bart: Well... Marge: Come on, honey. Bart: All right. Homer: Aw, how come Bart gets to do that and I can't spend one night lurking in the bushes outside Chef Boy-Ar-Dee's house?

— Just because, OK?, "Burns' Heir"

Burns: Bart, I know you children see me as some sort of "booger man", but I'm really not such a bad dude. Oh, your milk's gone cold -- I'll ring for the maid. [pushes a button; metal bars spring out around Bart's jaw and wrists] Oh, sorry -- wrong button. Bart: Uh...I think I'd like to go home. Burns: Oh, this day, you can have anything you want to eat. Even...some sort of gelatin dish. It's made from hooves, you know.

— Now _there's_ an appetizing thought, "Burns' Heir"

Bart: And I had the greatest time! Mr. Burns' house has everything -- a hedge-maze, a moat, bleached hardwood floors, and a bottomless pit. Lisa: It couldn't possibly be bottomless. Bart: Well, for all intents and purposes.

— Intents and purposes such as?, "Burns' Heir"

Homer: Bart, you're coming home. Bart: I want to stay here with Mr. Burns. Burns: I suggest you leave immediately. Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead -- do your worst! [Burns slams the door and locks it] [disbelieving] He locked the door! I'll show him -- [rings the doorbell and runs away]

— Swish, "Burns' Heir"

Marge: I'm very concerned. Mr. Burns has stolen our son and he won't give him back! Wiggum: Oh, for gosh g -- can't you people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.

— "Burns' Heir"

Hutz: Well, you good folks can rest easy now because you've come to the very best in legal representation. Skinner: Uh, excuse me, is there an Orange Julius stand on this floor? Hutz: I'll sell you this one, it's almost full. Skinner: Well, why don't I drink out of a toilet bowl. Hutz: He'll be back. And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in this state -- often as a lawyer. [drinks his Orange Julius]

— Small comfort, "Burns' Heir"

Milhouse: Cool train! Where does it go? Bart: Beats me. But it won't be back for three hours and forty minutes. Once it had snow on it.

— The boys play with toys in Burns' mansion, "Burns' Heir"

[they walk towards a red sports car tied with a bow] Bart: For me? But I don't know how to drive. Burns: Pish, posh. There's a Jaws of Life in the trunk.

— "Burns' Heir"

Deprogrammer: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns. Marge: Are you sure you can get him back for us? Deprogrammer: Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know. Marge: What about Peter Fonda? Deprogrammer: Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I _did_ get Paul McCartney out of Wings. Homer: You idiot! He was the most talented one.

— Resting on his laurels, "Burns' Heir"

[Deprogrammer walks out of the room] Deprogrammer: Well, it was a gruelling two weeks -- but you have your son back. [Hans Moleman walks out] Hans: Mom, Dad, I missed you. Homer: Oh -- [kisses him a few times] Marge: Homer, that's Hans Moleman. Homer: Can I keep in anyway? Huh? Huh?

— A welcome addition to any family, "Burns' Heir"

Bart: Mr. Burns, I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I want to go home to my family. Burns: [sighs] I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you this, but...I'm afraid your family doesn't want you back. [flicks a switch] [one of the TV monitors shows the Simpsons in the TV room] Homer: [not Homer's voice] I do not miss Bart at all. Marge: [not Marge's voice] I am glad he's gone. Lisa: [almost Lisa's voice] As am I. Homer: [drops a sandwich] B'oh! Bart: It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Burns: Really? Excuse me for just a moment. [walks into a nearby room and shuts the door. A TV set of the Simpsons living room has been set up.] People, that was all wrong. Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh", he says [checks script] "D'oh"! Actor Homer: [pulls mask off; looks like Michael Caine] Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment, like "Rain Man", or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the _hell_ am I doing here?! Actor Marge: And this dialog has _none_ of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown". Actor Lisa: [the midget Bart ran into] Hey, you know we are getting into golden time. Burns: Yes, well just get it right or you'll all be doing "Come Blow Your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater. [walks back out into the control room] All right, let's see what the old Simpson family is up to now. Actor Homer: [drops sandwich] Duh-oh!

— A tricky part to act, "Burns' Heir"

[Lisa tears off a strip of wallpaper] Marge: Lisa, what are you doing? Lisa: Just trying to fill the void of random, meaningless destruction Bart's absence has left in our hearts. [Homer walks in; Lisa trips him] Marge: Oh, that's sweet, honey.

— "Burns' Heir"

[Bart wears a suit and stands in front of a mirror] Bart: [strangled] It's a little tight... Burns: Yes, that's to correct your posture. Soon you'll have a mighty hump! Now...you really are my son. This calls for a celebration: let's fire some employees. Bart: _Ex_cellent.

— Like father, like..., "Burns' Heir"

Burns: OK, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "E", you can keep your job. Lenny: Uh, OK. Um, I'm a good...work...guy -- Burns: You're fired. Lenny: But I didn't say -- Burns: [convinced certainty] You will. [pushes a button] Lenny: [falling through a trap door] EEEEeeeee!

— Nostradamus would have been proud, "Burns' Heir"

[Bart pushes a button; Homer walks in with an armful of donuts] Homer: Hey, the trail of donuts ended -- [gasps] Bart! Bart: [gasps] Homer! Burns: [gasps] What a coincidence! And a perfect opportunity to prove your loyalty. Go ahead, Bartholomew: you may fire when ready. Bart: [groans] Burns: Hurry...fire him now or I'll disown you. You'll lose everything: the fabulous toys, the lifetime of wealth and luxury, the gift certificate from Blockbuster Video -- the freedom to do whatever you want! Homer: I'll miss you, son. Bart: I'm sorry, Dad...you're fired! Burns: What? Fire _me_? That does it: you can _never_ be my son! Bart: A little to the left. Burns: Huh? Oh, very well. [moves] You can never be my -- [Bart pulls a lever; Burns falls through a trap door] EEEeee! Smithers: [jumping in afterwards] Sir, try to land on Leonard's carcass!

— Cushioning the blow, "Burns' Heir"

Homer: Son, I know you're upset because you thought you saw us on TV saying we didn't want you in our family. But those were just actors playing us! Bart: How do you know? Homer: Because one of them hung out with me for a week trying to get my character down. Lisa: Yeah, me too. That midget taught me a lot about his native Estonia. Marge: The point is, the real Simpson family missed you a lot and we're really glad you're home. [kisses him] Bart: I love you guys. Homer: Right back at you, son. [they all hug] And now I want you to meet your new brother: Hans Moleman. [Hans walks in dressed like Bart, holding a skateboard] Hans: Cowabunga, dudes. [Homer kisses him repeatedly] Homer: Try it. It's like kissing a peanut! Heh heh heh.

— An enigmatic simile, "Burns' Heir"

Bart: Lisa, will you keep it down? I'm making a crank phone call to Principal Skinner. Skinner: [on phone] Well, as a matter of fact, my refrigerator _wasn't_ running. You've spared me quite a bit of spoilage: thank you, anonymous young man. Bart: D'oh! Lisa: It's my room, and I can do what I want. Bart: Oh yeah? Well I can do what I want in _my_ room. [walks off into his room, starts kicking wall] Lisa: Bart, quit it! Bart: [reading "Bad Boy's Life"] I can keep this up _all day_.

— A man of his word, "Lisa's Rival"

Homer: Lisa, stop the racket. I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. [holds drill to it, with hammer poised above it] Now, easy...easy...[hits it; it smashes] Hmm...I'm going to need a bigger drill.

— The Time-Life series on camera repair, "Lisa's Rival"

Marge: My, these seas are certainly heaving. Pirate: Well, no more than your bountiful bosom, [sly] milady. Marge: [laughs rakishly] Does that earring mean you're a pirate? [refers to earring in pirate's right ear] Pirate: Kinda. Ah, the seas have quieted. And only in the sweet embrace of quietude can two lovers truly be -- [Lisa starts playing her sax] Ooh, such noise! Well, _I'm_ done for the evening. [Marge comes back to reality] Marge: Mmm! Lisa, stop blowing my sex. I mean, stop blowing your sax, your sax. Stop it. Lisa: Mom, I'm auditioning for first chair in the school band and I've got to practice! Marge: I'm sorry, but I sacrificed a very expensive camera just to get some quiet time.

— The price she pays, "Lisa's Rival"

{[the sound of Lisa's saxophone can be heard outside]} Flanders: {Hey, what -- that sounds like Gabriel's trumpet. You know what that means, kids!} Rod+Todd: {Yay! Judgment Day!}

— Trumpet, saxophone: whatever, "Lisa's Rival"

Hoover: Forty-five seconds till pencils down. Ralph: [whispering] Lisa, what's the answer to number seven? Lisa: [whispering] Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation. Ralph: [pause] My cat's name is Mittens.

— Followups set to alt.non.sequitur, "Lisa's Rival"

Hoover: Now, here's an oral extra-credit question. What was Christopher Columbus actually looking for when he discovered America? Lisa: [puts her hand up] Ooh! Ooh! Hoover: Anyone besides Lisa for a change? Ralph: [puts his hand up] Ooh! Ah! Hoover: [nonplussed] Ralph, this better not be about your cat. Ralph: [puts his hand down] Oh. Hoover: Oh, all right, Lis -- Alison: Columbus was looking for a passage to India. Hoover: Correct, Alison! And on your very first day in our class. Alison: And, during a subsequent voyage, Columbus found what is now the continent of South America. Hoover: Yowie... Lisa: I never made Miss Hoover "yowie"...

— The grade two appraisal system, "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa: Hi, Alison, I'm Lisa Simpson. Oh, it's great to finally meet someone who converses above the normal eight-year-old level. Alison: Actually, I'm seven. I was just skipped ahead because I was getting bored with the first grade. Lisa: You're younger than me too? [look worried, starts breathing into her paper lunch bag] Alison: Are you hyperventilating? Lisa: No...I just like to smell my lunch.

— No snouts and entrails there, "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa: Gee, I never met anyone who's skipped a grade before. Alison: I'm surprised you haven't been skipped. You're obviously smart enough. Lisa: Well, I'm sure I could have, but, heh, I'd hate to leave behind my wonderful friends. Sarah: [walking up] Out of the way, brain queen! [pushes Lisa over] Lisa: [chuckling sheepishly] Hey Sarah.

— Not exactly debating team material, "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa: Well, I gotta go. I have to practice for band auditions. Alison: Me too! Hey, what instrument do you play? Lisa: The sax. Alison: Me too! Lisa: I'm going for first chair this year. Alison: Me too! Lisa: Wow! [disingenuous] We have so much in common, I'm sure we'll be the best of friends... Alison: Me too. Lisa: [weakly] Me too...

— Ralph's cat would say "Me three", "Lisa's Rival"

Bart: Hurry up and finish eating! Homer: You're steering fine, boy. Hard to the right! Bart: Oh! Homer: Hard to the left! Bart: Oh! Homer: Cat! Deer! Old man! Abe: [diving out of the way] Aah! Homer: Jackknifed sugar truck! [gasps] Sugar? [skids to halt; Hans Moleman stands outside the truck] Homer: Don't worry, buddy. Here's a quarter; call for help at the nearest phone. I'll keep an eye on things here. Hans: If only this sugar were as sweet as you, sir. [walks off] Bart: Homer, that was downright decent of you. Homer: We've hit the jackpot here! White gold, Texas tea! ... sweetener.

— Something like that, anyway, "Lisa's Rival"

Bart: Dad, isn't this stealing? Homer: Read your town charter, boy. "If foodstuff should touch the ground, said foodstuff shall be turned over to the village idiot." Since I don't see him around...start shoveling!

— He's with the comely lasses of virtue true, "Lisa's Rival"

Marge: [sighs dreamily] Lisa: Mom? Marge: What? What? Lisa: Why am I still rotting away in the second grade instead of being skipped ahead? Marge: I dunno honey, I guess that's the school's decision to make. Lisa: Well, did you ever talk to anyone at the school? Make a few calls on my behalf? Maybe you could have been "nicer" to Principal Skinner, if ya know what I mean. Marge: Lisa! ...I _am_ nice.

— Marge avoids the question, "Lisa's Rival"

Marge: Homer, I really appreciate you making dinner, but this food tastes a little strange. Lisa: It hurts my teeth. Homer: That's because I've loaded it with sugar! [holds up bag containing "Farmer Homer's Sweet Sweet Sugar"] Marge, our ship has come in! I found five hundred pounds of sugar [to Bart, sly] in the forest [to Marge] that I'm going to sell directly to the consumer! All for a low, low price of one dollar per pound. Marge: But the grocery store sells sugar for thirty-five cents a pound. Lisa: And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it. Homer: Those are prizes! [eats a mouthful] Ooh, a blasting cap.

— Don't bite down too hard, now, "Lisa's Rival"

Largo: It's your turn, Jimbo. Jimbo: [steps up with tambourine, hits it once] Unh! Largo: Hmm, someone's been practicing over the summer. Welcome aboard. Jimbo: Yes! [walks off, hits Martin in the head with tambourine] Martin: Ow! My lute! [he drops it, breaking it] Largo: [not caring] Mm hm.

— Sympathy for the lute, "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa: [opening her eyes] Largo: Oh! That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it. Lisa: [happy] I won first chair? Largo: No, you regained consciousness. Alison got first chair. Lisa: [screams, passes out again] [opens her eyes] Oh, it was just a dream... Largo: Oh! That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it. Lisa: [happy] I won first chair? Largo: No, you regained consciousness. Alison got first chair -- and believe me, this is _not_ a dream! Lisa: [screams]

— Largo's people skills, "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa: I need help, Mom. There's another girl at school who's smarter, younger, and a better sax player than me. Ew, I feel so average. Marge: Well, you'll always be number one to me -- Bart: [walking past] Ahem, hello...first born within earshot. Marge: Mmm, I meant my number-one girl -- [Maggie tugs on Marge's dress] Oh, for cry -- mmm. Honey, if you get too competitive, you'll never be happy. No matter how good you are, there's always going to be someone better than you. {I always thought I had the tallest hair, but that trip to Graceland really opened my eyes.} Lisa: But she's better than me at everything that makes me special! Marge: Oh, believe me honey, she's more scared of you than you are of her. Lisa: [sullen] You're thinking of bears, Mom.

— "Lisa's Rival"

Homer: {[ringing doorbell] Sugar man! [eats some from the bag]} Skinner: {Door-to-door sugar? [chuckles] What a marvelous idea. [Skinner's mother calls] What's that mother? ...I'm just talking to the sugar man! ...Mother, I'm a big boy, I can do as I wish! [to Homer] Excuse me. [slams door] [opens door] Thanks a lot, Simpson, now I'm grounded!}

— Perils of living with your parents, "Lisa's Rival"

Ralph: [whispers] Hey, Alison: what's the answer to number nine? Alison: [whispers] I can't tell you, Ralph. Lisa: [whispers] I can't tell you either, Ralph. Ralph: [to Lisa] Leave me alone!

— Snubbed by Ralph of all people, "Lisa's Rival"

Bart: I can't stand to see you so miserable, Lis...unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress. Hmm, that gives me an idea. [pulls out pocket tape recorder, presses "record"] Note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress. [chuckles] [turns back to Lisa, then as an afterthought, chuckles onto tape again] Hey, I know! How about I dig up some dirt on Alison? Remember how I got Milhouse's picture on "America's Most Wanted"? [two agents in sunglasses drive up, see Milhouse] Agent 1: There he is on the monkey bars. Agent 2: Try to take him alive. Milhouse: Oh no, not again!

— Bart's bestest buddy, "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa: I appreciate the offer, but it goes against every moral fiber in my body. Bart: Suit yourself. If you change your mind, here's my card. Lisa: I don't need a card. You live in the room next to me. Bart: [into tape recorder] Note: next year, order fewer cards.

— Dirt-finding business practice, "Lisa's Rival"

Homer: And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus. Marge: While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday. Homer: Woo hoo! A four-day weekend.

— That should be five, surely?, "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa: Hey, I _am_ above average! So what if Alison's ahead of me? There's no shame in being second. [imagines] Announcer: And now, Avis Rent-A-Car is proud to present the second best band in America. Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-up". [Audience boos] Lisa: Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?

— Because you're number two?, "Lisa's Rival"

Bart: Lis, I did some checking on this Alison character, and I know it's against all your moral fibers -- Lisa: [grabs sheet] Give it to me. [chuckles] Hey, wait! There's nothing bad here. Bart: Yep, she's clean as a bean, but...I _did_ tip off the Feds as to the whereabouts of our good friend Milhouse. [Milhouse stands at the mouth of a large pipe with his hands up, facing an agent pointing a gun at him] Milhouse: I'm telling you, I didn't do anything. Agent: I don't care. Milhouse: [turns around, looks down, jumps...off a dam] Aah...[hits churning water at bottom] Ouch! My glasses.

— Priorities out of whack, "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa: [sigh] I've got to stop being so petty. I should be Alison's friend, not her competitor. I mean...she is a wonderful person... Bart: Way to go, Lis. I mean, why compete with someone who's just going to kick your butt anyway? Lisa: [pause] I prefer my phrasing.

— "Lisa's Rival"

Alison: It's great of you to come over, Lisa. I really want us to be friends. Lisa: You're a wonderful person. Taylor: Hi, Lisa, I'm Alison's father, Professor Taylor. I've heard great things about you. Lisa: Oh, really? I -- Taylor: Oh, don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us in our anagram game. Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person. Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness. Alison: [thinks] Genuine class. Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons. Lisa: [looks with consternation] Jeremy's...iron. Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. [pulls one from his pocket] Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?

— Lowering the level of difficulty, "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa: What's this? Alison: Oh, it's for the school diorama competition. Lisa: You're finished _already_? But the competition isn't for weeks! Alison: [smirks] Lisa, we're talking dioramas. Who could wait?

— The fascination of dioramas, "Lisa's Rival"

Alison: I chose "The Tell-Tale Heart" by Edgar Allen Poe. See, this is the bedroom where the old man was murdered...and he's buried here under the floorboards. Oh, and look, I used an old metronome to simulate the heartbeat that drove the killer _insane_. [flicks a switch; the metronome ticks slowly] Ha ha, it's neat, huh? Lisa: [uncomfortable] Ha ha, it's great, it's really great. [she pulls out the ball, tries to bounce it, and drops it] Taylor: Oh! Got away from you, huh? Well, you keep at it.

— Murphy's Law with a vengeance, "Lisa's Rival"

Homer: [sleepy] Must...protect...sugar. Thieves everywhere. The strong must protect the sweet...the sweet...[snores] Marge: [walking out] Homer? Homer: [with a Spanish accent] In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women...[snores] Marge: Homer...Homer! Homer: Wha...what? Marge: I want you to forget about guarding the stupid sugar! You're being completely paranoid. Homer: Oh, am I? Am I really? Ah ha! [Pulls a man from behind the pile] Thief: [holds teacup and saucer] Hello. Homer: All right, pal: where'd you get the sugar for that tea? Thief: I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second, and I'd do it again. [sips tea] Goodbye.

— Homer Pacino defends his territory, "Lisa's Rival"

Homer: You see, Marge? Do you see? Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme? Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?" Marge: Look, just get rid of the sugar, OK? Homer: No! [Marge leaves] [a swarm of bees lands on Homer and the sugar pile] Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! [gets stung] Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow.

— Yeah, they'll do that, "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa: Look, Bart. It almost killed me, but I handcrafted all 75 characters from Oliver Twist. And now, the coup de grace: a bitter snowstorm. [turn on fan, sprinkles confetti] Bart+Lisa: Ooh! [the diorama lifts up, then blows out the window] Bart: Uh oh. [crash] Lisa: [with trepidation] Is it OK? Bart: Well...the important thing is, _we_ survived.

— Small mercies, "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa: Oh, who am I kidding? There's no _way_ I'm ever going to beat Alison. Bart: Sure there is! ...but it involves being a bit underhanded, a bit devious, a bit -- as the French say -- Bartesque. Lisa: I'll do whatever it takes. Bart: Then welcome to the nether regions of the soul.

— No hyperbole in this household, "Lisa's Rival"

Bart: Now, here's what we do. Tomorrow morning when Alison comes out of her house, we spray her with the hose -- soaking her from head to toe, leaving us relatively dry. Lisa: "Relatively"? Bart: Well, there's bound to be some splash-back. Lisa: Bart, her being wet won't help me win the competition. Bart: Well...we could just sabotage her diorama, humiliating her in front of the students and faculty. Lisa: Perfect! Bart: Leaving her primed for the most dramatic hose-soaking of her life! Lisa: Enough with the hose!

— A one-track mind, "Lisa's Rival"

Beekeeper 1: Well, sure is quiet in here today. Beekeeper 2: Yes, a little too quiet, if you know what I mean. Beekeeper 1: Hmm...I'm afraid I don't. Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise -- suggests no bees! Beekeeper 1: Oh, I understand now. Oh look, there goes one now. Beekeeper 2: To the Beemobile! Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy? Beekeeper 2: Yes.

— Again with the West/Ward jokes!, "Lisa's Rival"

Beekeeper 1: Well, very clever, Simpson, luring our bees to your sugar pile and selling them back to us at an inflated price. Homer: Bees are on the what now? Beekeeper 2: Simpson, you diabolical...we're willing to pay you $2000 for the swarm. [starts counting money] Homer: Deal! [thunder crashes, rain starts] Beekeeper 1: Oh, wait a minute. The bees are leaving. Homer: No! My sugar is melting. Melting! Oh, what a world. [thief spits out his tea] Homer: [weeps] My sugar's gone... Marge: [walk out with umbrella] I'm sorry, Homey. Homer: It's OK, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

— And Homer should know, too, "Lisa's Rival"

Skinner: Ah, "Diorama-Rama", my favorite school event next to "Hearing- Test Thursday". [he and Miss Hoover walk up to Nelson's diorama] Hoover: "The Grapes of Wrath"? I don't get it. Nelson: Here's the grapes...and here's the wrath! [pounds grapes with a mallet, soaking Skinner and Miss Hoover] [all the kids groan] Skinner: [dismissive] Yes, yes, very good wrath.

— Remarkable control of his temper, "Lisa's Rival"

Skinner: Ah, let's see: our foreign exchange student Uter has chosen "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". I -- but this is just an empty box! Uter: [chocolate on his face and hands] I begged you to look at mine first...I begged you!

— An eight-fold double-corrugated fourteen-gauge box, no less, "Lisa's Rival"

Bart: Lisa, here is -- as the French say -- le fake diorama. I'll create a diversion and you make the switch. [walks to center of gym] Hey everybody, whoa! Look at me, I'm over here. Turn this way right now! Sherri: Hey, it's Bart! Milhouse: And he's doin' stuff! [everyone turns to look, fascinated] [Lisa grabs Alison's diorama, leaves the other one there, and hides Alison's in a trap door in the gym floor] Skinner: Bart, stop creating a diversion and get out of here! [Bart caws like a crow and leaves]

— Quoth the raven, indeed, "Lisa's Rival"

Hoover: OK, our next entry is "The Tell-Tale Heart" by Alison Taylor. Skinner: Mmm, I can't wait to see this. [low voice] Be ready with the ribbon. [pulls cover off to reveal bloody animal heart] Children: Ew! Hoover: What _is_ it? Bart: [disguising his voice] It's a cow's heart. [changing voices] They're trying to make a monkey out of you. [Lisa smiles] Skinner: Alison, is this supposed to be some kind of joke? Alison: I didn't do that...I made a different one. Skinner: Oh, is that so, young lady? Where is this "phantom diorama"? Alison: Uh, I don't know... [Lisa hears a heart beating, and looks worried] Skinner: Aw, at least have the guts to take the blame, girl. You're only compounding your folly by lying about it. Bart: Right on! Skinner: Young lady, cow hearts belong in a butcher's window, not the classroom. [Lisa hears the heart getting louder, frets] Well, maybe in an older students' biology classroom, but that's none of my business. Elementary school is where I wound up, and it's too late to do anything about that!

— Losing track of the point, "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa: Aah! It's the beating of that hideous heart! [everyone looks at her] I mean, I think I hear something. [opens trap door, retrieves diorama] Why, here's Alison's real diorama. It got misplaced...[laughs a bit] or so it would seem. Skinner: Oh, well, that changes everything. Let's have a look. [quietly to Miss Hoover] Get the ribbon ready. [pulls sheet off] Oh...a little...sterile...no _real_ insight. What do you think, Miss Hoover? Hoover: Ehh. [Lisa gasps, looks at Alison] Skinner: This has been a very disappointing day. All right, on to Lisa Simpson. Bart: You're a shoo-in now, Lis. Lisa: After the way I've behaved, I don't deserve to win. Skinner: Well, this doesn't deserve to win. Lisa: What?

— Just desserts, "Lisa's Rival"

Skinner: Ooh, now we're into the dregs. Here's Ralph Wiggum's entry. [pulls sheet off] Pre-packaged "Star Wars" characters, still in their display box? Are those the limited-edition action figures? Ralph: What's a diorama? Skinner: Why it's Luke, and Obi-Wan, and my favorite, Chewie! They're all here! [to Miss Hoover] What do you think? Hoover: [bored] I think it's lunch time. Skinner: We have a winner!

— Nonbiased judging, "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa: I'm really sorry about what I did, Alison. It's no shame being second to you. Alison: Thank you, Lisa. You know, I'm actually kind of glad I lost. Now I know that losing isn't the end of the world. Hey, you still think we can be friends? Lisa: Only if we're the best. Ralph: [skipping with his diorama] I beat the smart kids! I beat the smart kids! I -- [trips] [unhappy] I bent my Wookie. Lisa: Hey Ralph, want to come with me and Alison to play "Anagrams"? Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person. Ralph: My cat's breath smells like cat food.

— "Smitten" by "Mittens", "Lisa's Rival"

[Bart watches a home movie of Homer's birthday] Bart: [laughs] They're going to eat this up at Show and Tell. Marge: I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea of your classmates laughing at our family's private moments. How would you like it if, twenty years from now, people were laughing at things _you_ did? Bart: Not likely. Come on, have a sense of humor about yourself! [the movie turns to baby Bart, naked, sitting on the toilet] Young Bart: I'm a big boy today.

— Maybe Mom _was_ right, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Bart: I need something for Show and Tell. Lisa: Just take one of my geodes. [Bart stares blankly] The rocks on my desk. [Bart goes over, picks up something] No, that's a trilobyte. [Bart picks up something else] That's petrified wood. [Bart picks up something else] Bart, that's a bran muffin!

— No petrified birds, however, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Nelson: {The ingredients were: fresh pureed tomatoes, water, salt, and sodium benzoate used to retard spoilage. Once again, if I'm not mistaken, this can contained tomato paste.} Edna: {Thank you, Nelson. I look forward to seeing it again next week.} Bart, you're up. [Bart walks up as a cardboard box follows him] Bart: Boys and girls, Mrs. Krabappel, I come before you today to solve a riddle that has plagued mankind for centuries: What has four legs and ticks? Milhouse: A walking clock? Nelson: A walking clock! Martin: I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box! Edna: Bart, is it a walking clock? Bart: [mystified] What? No, it's my dog.

— That was my next guess, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Edna: [looking at SLH] Oh, he is a gem! Here boy. [kisses] Would you like these cookies Martin made for me? Martin: My raisin roundies! Bart: My dog's name is Santa's Little Helper. One time he crawled under the house and when he came out he was covered with ants. Then he ran into a church and drank all the holy water. Everyone: Wow!

— Amazing but true, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Martin: Kaboom! That, the sound of the thunderous volcanic explosion that gives birth to the magnificent geode, one of nature's most -- Nelson: You're doing it wrong. You gotta pet him hard so he can feel it. [he demonstrates; SLH sneezes] Sherri: Look, look, look! The doggie sneezed. Edna: Hah! It thinks it's people. Willy: [on the other side of the door] Hey, poochie! Here, poochie, poochie, poochie! Martin: Ahem. My geode must be acknowledged! Edna: [angrily] Oh, brother. All right, back to Show and Tell! Bart, why don't you put the doggie away. Everyone: Aw.

— Short attention spans, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent. Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside? Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.

— The boy who cried "dog", "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Skinner: [on the phone] I know Weinstein's parents were upset, uh, superintendent, but, but -- but I was _sure_ it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made up: "yom kip pur". [laughs sheepishly] Willy: [bursting in] Sir, you've got to come quick! There's a dog running around in the air ducts. Skinner: I understand. [over PA] Children, this is Principal Skinner. Remain calm. There is a dog in the vents. [In Bart's class, everyone cheers and gallavants]

— That's not what he asked you to do, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Skinner: Willy, go into the vent and get him. Willy: What? Have you gone waxy in your peaster? I cannot fit in tha' wee vent, you croquet-playing mint muncher. Skinner: Grease yourself up and go in, you...you guff-speaking work- slacker. Willy: Ooh, good comeback.

— Indeed, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Willy: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. Now, out we go -- [pushes vent cover out; the cover hits the gymnasium floor far below. The vent begins to pull from the roof] Urg...'tis more dizzying than the belfry at St. Caliga Glenwalgens.

— Willy catches Santa's Little Helper, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Chalmers: [voice rising] Skinner...! Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers! You didn't have to come all the way down here. Everything's under control. [fireman falls off ladder, which smashes the gym window] Chalemers: Oh, I have had it, I have _had_ it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children -- Skinner: Oh, now I really think the children's appearance -- Chalmers: Seymour, you are in very, _very_ big trouble. [SLH falls into his arms] Why, looking into this lovable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven. Willy: [yells] Make way for Willy! [lands on Chalmers] I said "Make way for Willy," you bloated gasbag. Chalmers: Seymour... Skinner: Hmm? Chalmers: You're fired! [Bart gasps] Skinner: I'm sorry, did...did you just call me a liar? Chalmers: No, I said you were fired. Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.

— In some ways, yes, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Bart: I thought I'd be jumping for joy the day Skinner got fired. Now all I have is this weird hot feeling in the back of my head. Lisa: That's guilt. You feel guilty because your stunt wound up costing a man his job. Bart: I guess it is guilt. [scratches his head; a small spider bites him repeatedly there]

— The poisonous fangs of guilt, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Homer: {Whoa, whoa, whoa -- let me get this straight. They let everybody out of school early just because _you_ brought a dog?} Bart: {Well, yeah, but --} Homer: {Well, I'm off to work. [picks up SLH]} Marge: {The dog has had enough excitement.} Homer: {But Marge, dogs can _never_ have enough excitement. Look: [swings SLH around] whee! Whee! Heh heh. Whee! [giving in] All right, all right. I won't take the dog. [grabs Maggie] Come here! [Marge grabs her back] [Homer moans]}

— "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Ned: Now, I know everybody's eager to get back to class -- Edna: Hah! Ned: -- but I thought it might break the ice if we had a little Q & A! Kearney: [to Jimbo] Dude, ask a question or we'll have to go back to class! Jimbo: [stands up] Um... Ned: Yeah. you! Jimbo: Uh, yeah, uh, I was wondering, do you, er, what's your policy on, uh, lunch? Ned: Well, let me just say I want to put the "stew" back in "students". [everyone laughs] Chalmers: {It's just a damn popularity contest with you kids! [walks off]} Leopold: {Now look what you've done, you little freaks!}

— The sensitive side of the superintendent, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Milhouse: Bart, look! It's Principal Skinner. And I think he's gone crazy -- he's not wearing a suit or tie or anything! Bart: [approaches him] Principal Skinner? Um, I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired, and biting you, and then getting it on with your leg. Skinner: Well...maybe it was for the best. Now I...I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus." Apu: Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through... [later]...was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had... [later]...most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?! [realizing] I mean, thank you, come again.

— Remembering his role, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Ned: Bart, I've barely been here a good solid week, and you've been sent to my office eleven times. And now that I have peanut butter cups, you seem to be getting in trouble every hour. Bart: [through a full mouth] Must have been a coincidence. Ned: Uh, anyhoo, Bart, you're going to have to be punished. This isn't some sort of clubhouse. [Bart holds up an empty glass and rattles it] Oh, sorry: were you drinking Slice or Yoo Hoo?

— Lousy irony!, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Skinner: Let's see: Tide...Cheer...Bold...Biz...Fab...All...Gain...Wisk. I believe today I will try...Bold. [Bart skateboards by] Bart! How are you? How's school? Bart: Um...it's a lot of fun. [pause] Well, it was good to see you -- Skinner: It was? Well then we should get together again. Say, er, Saturday at my house. You know where I live? Bart: Er, no... [flashback to Bart knocking on a door and running] Skinner: [answers door, looks down] Hmm. A flaming bag, eh? Well, these new Italian loafers will make short work of it. [stomps on it] [back to the present] Bart: Er, I'm kind of busy on Saturday. [Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney run by. Jimbo darts in] Skinner: Hey! Jimbo: [taunts] We got Skinner's underpants! And there's nothing you can do about it, Mr. Ex-Principal. Skinner: That's not true. I can buy a new pair! [checks his wallet] No I can't. I needed those, I really did.

— Unemployed, unemployable, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Skinner: Bart! Heh heh, welcome. Can I offer you a Diet Caffeine-Free Dr. Pepper or an individual fruit cocktail cup? Bart: Uh, I'll pass. Hey, what's this? [points to photo] Skinner: Oh, that's my old unit from Vietnam. I was their sergeant, they were my loyal troops. [photo shows Skinner saluting and his men scowling at him] That photo was taken shortly before I was shot in the back -- which was very strange because it was during a Bob Hope show. I was trying to get Joey Heatherton to put on some pants, for God's sake. Mother: [from downstairs] Seymour, your friend Bart is here. Skinner: I know, Mother! Mother: Seymour, do you want me to tell you when it's 7:30? Skinner: No, Mother!

— It's 7:30...now!, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Skinner: [laughing hard] Ned Flanders actually eliminated detention and put the whole school on the honor system? Bart: [laughs] Yeah. And the teachers are afraid to leave the faculty lounge! [laughs] Skinner: [chuckles] Oh, ho ho, that place must be falling apart. Oh, mercy. [quietly] Nobody's mentioned me, have they? Bart: Er, I thought I heard someone say your name in the cafeteria, but they might have been saying "skim milk".

— Lousy homonyms!, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Skinner: I thought you might like this restaurant, Bart. They'll make a pizza pie with the topping of your choice! Chef: Hey, Seymour-ah. You wanna your usual-ah table? Skinner: No, no, Luigi. I'd like one with two seats. I'll be dining with a friend tonight. Chef: Hey, good for you, huh? [goes into the kitchen] Skinner: Hmm, it's real nice here. Chef: Hey, Salvatore, guess who's here-ah? Mister Kookalamanza, and- ah some real ugly kid-ah.

— If that's real nice..., "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Milhouse: [squirting ketchup on his stomach] This is great! Not only am I not learning, I'm forgetting stuff I used to know, heh. And it's all thanks to you, Bart. Bart: Yeah, great. Milhouse: What's the matter? Bart: Don't you see, Milhouse? We've gone too far. We need Skinner back. Martin: My water dish is empty...

— Your points being?, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Bart: {Table for one.} Chef: {Oh, you miss you friend, huh? Don't-ah you worry, my cook can surely cheer you up-ah. [enters kitchen] Hey Salvatore, give-ah the ugly kid a plate of the red-ah crap-ah!}

— Stereotypical Italian sympathy, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Colonel: It's good to have another combat veteran around here. I myself received a number of medals for, um, securing that Montgomery Ward in Kuwait City? Skinner: Hmm, yes, colonel. Now I understand it will be my duty to mold the new recruits into a well-disciplined, highly-trained infantry unit. Colonel: Sure, I, I guess. Here they come! [a bus arrives] Recruit 1: Hey, where do I get my grenades at? Recruit 2: They don't have them group toilets here no more, do they?

— Highly potty-trained, anyway, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Marge: Ned, Homer and I are a little concerned with the way the school's being run. Homer: [mouth full of peanut butter cups] Yes. Deeply concerned. Ned: I may go a little easy on the old hickory-dickory stick, but that's just because my dad was hard on me when I was a boy. [flashback to New York City; a young Ned spills some ink] Young Ned: Whoopsie doodle. Ned's Dad: Oh, man! Ned spelled ink all over my poems. He's a real flat tire, I mean a cube, man. He's putting us on the train to Squaresville, Mona!

— Ned, the product of beatniks?, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Men: [jogging] "I knew a woman in Paris, France, Had a big hole in her underpants" -- Skinner: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where did you pick up that filth? Recruit: We heard Sergeant Clarke's company singing it, Sir! Skinner: Yes, well there will be no smut in my company. You're in this man's army to learn! Men: [jogging] "I don't know, but I've been told The parthenon is mighty old." Skinner: How old? Men: We don't know. Skinner: That's real good, but needs improvement.

— Important knowledge for _anyone_, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

[Bart sighs at photo of Skinner] Lisa: Wow, I never thought Principal Skinner could become any more of a square, but there's the proof. Bart: It's weird, Lis: I miss him as a friend, but I miss him even more as an enemy. Lisa: I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty, Mountain Dew has its Mellow Yellow, even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow. [Maggie scowls out the window as said baby goes by in a baby buggy]

— "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Skinner: Man on the range! Change your trajectories! [the recruits strain to comply] [scene change to Apu and Sanjay at the Kwik-E-Mart] Apu: Sixteen brand new gas pumps. At last we can compete with the Gas-N-Gulp. [they look up as whistling is heard overhead]

— _Could_ have competed, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Bart: If there was some way to get rid of Flanders, would you want to come back? Skinner: Ehh, I must admit, I do miss the school. And frankly, the army isn't _quite_ as I remembered it -- [some recruits drive by in a tank. One moons Skinner, another swears at him, another tosses a beer can at him] Actually, it's _exactly_ as I remembered it.

— The more things change..., "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Skinner: I do want to come back, but it doesn't sound like Flanders is going to get fired. Bart: Oh, I think I could get him fired. I got you fired, didn't I? [laughs] Skinner: [unimpressed] Yes.

— A painful memory, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

[Skinner walks in, sees Homer] Skinner: What's _he_ doing here? Bart: Well once he found out we were going to get Ned Flanders fired, he _insisted_ on helping. Homer: That is true. Bart: Here's the plan: once Chalmers comes for his next inspection and sees how crappy the school has gotten, he'll fire Ned on the spot. Skinner: Er, one question remains: how do I get out of the army? Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer! Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done. Marge: [outside] What's going on in there? Everyone: Nothing...

— No, really, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Bart: Come on, Chalmie, you fired Skinner for less than this. Chalmers: Yeah, I did, but...Skinner really bugged me! Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say, lay back and enjoy it! It's a hell of a toboggan ride. Ned: [over PA] Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day. Chalmers: Thank the Lor -- thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. Simpson, you get your wish: Flanders is history! [scene change to Willy cleaning graffiti off the lockers] Ned: Well, I really enjoyed my time here, Superintendent. May the Lord bless and keep you. Chalmers: Yeah, take it outside, God-boy. Ned: Okily dokily. Skinner: Dirksen, tuck in your shirt. Jaffee, spit out that gum! Leopold: You really think it's a good idea to give that _freak_ his job back? Chalmers: Aw, he seems to know the students' names.

— A compelling reason, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Bart: Oh, how can they imprison kids in school on a beautiful day like this? Lisa: They're not imprisoning us, Bart, they're -- [a grey bus labeled "Springfield Prison" pulls up] Bart: [getting on] Prison bus, Otto? Otto: The regular school bus broke down, so take a seat before I blow your heads off! Lisa: Otto...! Otto: Oh, sorry. This bus and I have sort of a "Shining" thing going on.

— Incomprehensible justifications, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Edna: Well, children, our new ultra-hard PostCherfect chairs have arrived. They've been designed by eminent posturologists to eliminate slouching by the year 3000. Martin: Mrs. Krabappel? [groans] I'm having back spasms... Edna: [chuckles] I know they seem a little uncomfortable right now, but eventually your bones will change shape. Milhouse: I've lost all feeling in the left side of my body. [lifts his limp left arm with his right arm] Edna: Yeah, yeah.

— Recognizing the signs of danger, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Bart: [to himself] That does it, I'm outta here. [scribbles something on paper] Mrs. Krabappel, I have to go to the dentist. I have a carroway seed caught under my bridgework. [hands her the note] My Mom's number's on there if you want to check up on me. Edna: That's OK, Bart. I trust you. [in Skinner's office, Skinner holds a magnifying glass] Skinner: [reading] "Please excuse my handwriting, I busted whichever hand it is I write with. Signed, Mrs. Simpson." You were right to be suspicious, Edna. To the crime lab!

— High-tech elementary schools, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Willy: {Spill it! Where's your brother?} Skinner: {You'd better answer him, Lisa. He's a bad man. [Lisa giggles] What are you laughing about?} Lisa: {You started off as the bad cop, but now you're the good one! You and Willy got mixed up about ten minutes ago.} Skinner: {We did not! Now where's Bart? You better tell me!} Willy: {Oh, you better tell him, lassie. I cannot control him when he gets like this!} Lisa: {[laughs] Now _you're_ the good cop!} Willy: {What?!}

— Not getting their act together, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Skinner: If I were a truant boy out for a good time, I'd be right here: the Springfield Natural History Museum. [chuckles] You're mine, Simpson. [Bart argues at a triple-R rated movie box office] Bart: Look, if I was under seventeen, I'd be in school, right? Ticket boy: Yeah, I guess you're right. Enjoy "Boobarama", sir. [Skinner has left the museum, meanwhile] Skinner: Why, there are no children here at the four-H club, either! Am I so out of touch...? No, it's the children who are wrong.

— Firm in his conviction, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

[Bart and Homer spot each other suddenly. They gasp] Bart: I can't let Dad see me playing hooky! Homer: I can't let the boy see me skipping work! [Bart brushes his hair forward; Homer uses a comb as a mustache] Bart: [walking past] Good afternoon. Homer: [walking past] How do you do, sir? Together: [chuckle] Sucker...

— Masters of disguise, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Skinner: A spoor! [reaches down, picks up the gum, licks it] His brand of gum, Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention. {Heh. I wish someone was around to hear that.} And so we enter...endgame.

— Skinner, hot on Bart's trail, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Bart: Oh my God, he is like some sort of...non...giving up...school guy!

— Bart is chased by Principal Skinner, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Blonde: Freddy honey? I think something just dropped into the back seat. Freddy: I'm not paying you to talk.

— Bart escapes in Freddy Quimby's car, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

[Freddy approaches two people tossing a football] Freddy: Gimme the ball! [runs to the punch bowl, throws it in hard] The punch has been spiked! Ha ha! Quimby: That's my nephew, displaying the Quimby wit that's won the public heart. Happy birthday, Freddy! And may all your disgraces be private.

— Witty indeed, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Quimby: And who are you, little boy? Bart: I'm one of your nephews you don't see very often. Um, Bart- Bart.

— Bart tries to crash Freddy Quimby's party, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Bart: Hey, McBain, I'm a big fan, but your last movie really sucked. McBain: I know. There were script problems from day one. Wiggum: Yeah, I'll say. Magic ticket, my ass, McBain. McBain: [to his wife] Maria, my mighty heart is breaking. I'll be in the Humvee.

— Not-so-adoring fans, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Freddy: Hey! What the hell is this? Waiter: [French accent] It's a bowl of chowder, sir. ["shaudere"] Freddy: Wait a minute, come here. What did you call it? Say it loud enough so everyone can hear. Cone on, say it... Waiter: Ahem. Chowder. ["shaudere"] Freddy: [raucous laughter] Shau-dere? Shau-dere? It's "chowder". ["chowdah"] Say it right! Waiter: [pause] Chowder. ["shaudear"] Freddy: [laugher] Come back here! I'm not through demeaning you.

— Gotta love those Quimbys, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Marge: [reading the paper] Mmm. It says Freddy Quimby beat a waiter half to death! Those Quimby children are so wild and rich, I hope he finally gets what's coming to him. Bart: But Freddy Quimby's innocent! Lisa: How do you know? There weren't any witnesses. Bart: Heh, oh yeah, right. Lisa: You'd think someone would have seen something at a crowded party like that. Bart: Well they didn't, OK? They didn't. It says right here in black and white, "No witnesses." Case closed. [grabs paper] Now let's all read the funnies. [reads] Oh look: Charlie Brown said "good grief". Hah. I didn't see _that_ coming. [forced laughter]

— 37 years of "Good Grief", "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Bart: Lisa, I gotta tell somebody. I was at the Quimby compound yesterday when that frog waiter got whacked. I _know_ that Freddy Quimby is innocent. Lisa: You're a witness? Bart, you have to tell the police! Bart: [groans] I can't. Lisa: Why? Skinner: Bart Simpson, I know you cut school yesterday, and as soon as I can prove it, I'm sending you off to the Christian Military Reform School. Bart: What he said. Lisa: Oh, I see.

— "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Lisa: If you testify, Skinner will know you skipped school. Well, if Freddy Quimby didn't do it, I'm sure he'll be found innocent by a fair and impartial jury. [after school] Homer: Aw, jury duty? I'll see that Quimby kid hanged for this! Bart: Oh... Lisa: {I _knew_ it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.}

— Fair and impartial both, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Scott: Let's go over to the County Courthouse, live to Kent Brockman. Kent: -- ockman, just outside the County Courtroom where an argument about chowder has spilled over into the biggest trial in Springfield history. Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed "Beat-Up Waiter." This reporter suggested "Waitergate", but was howled down at the press club. Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state, so [whispers] we'll have to be quiet. [walks towards courtroom doors only to have them slammed in his face]

— A sneaky ruse, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

[Skinner scowls at Bart from the jury box] Skinner: [thinking] I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: if I found out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you head me. I _think_ words I would never say. Homer: [thinking] I know you can read _my_ thoughts, boy. [singing] Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow...

— Not the Meow Mix commercial!, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Lawyer: I intend to prove that Freddy Quimby is totally innocent! First of all, his accuser is a very shady character. That waiter, Mr. LaCoste, not only wasn't born in Springfield, he wasn't even born in this country! [jury gasps, reporters run to phones and dial rapidly] Hutz: [to LaCoste] From now on, you tell me _everything_!

— The key to the defense, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Moe: Freddy Quimby was with me the entire...night in question. We were collecting canned goods for the starving people in...er, you know, one of them loser countries. Woman: He's clearly innocent. [Chief Wiggum hands him a big bag with "$" on it] Moe: Oh good! My laundry is done. Bart: You see, Lisa? They don't need my testimony. Lisa: Only because Mayor Quimby's _buying_ his nephew's freedom. Bart: Ah. The system works. Just ask Claus von Bulow.

— No insulin in _this_ trial, however, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of _not_ being guilty. I refer you to my expert witness, Dr. Hibbert. Hibbert: Well, only one in two million people has what we call the "evil gene". [holds up a card showing DNA] Hitler had it, Walt Disney had it, and Freddy Quimby has it. [chuckles] Hutz: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case. Judge: You rest your case? Hutz: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed. [sits down]

— Proper legal terms, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Apu: Excuse me, Your Honor? I'd like to bring something to the court's attention. [removes "open eye" glasses from snoring, drooling Homer] [judge bangs her gavel] Homer: [waking up] Hmm? Huh? What?! Judge: Give those glasses to the bailiff. Homer: [crafty] All right. [does so, dons a "half-open eyes" pair] Judge: And those. Homer: [moaning] Oh.

— He should have waited a bit, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Lawyer: Your Honor, even though I've proven my client's innocence, I'd still like to call Freddy Quimby to the stand. So that we can all bask in his gentle decency. [Freddy stands up, grins winningly at audience, takes stand] Mr. Quimby, did you assault Mr. LaCoste? Freddy: Of course not. I love each and every thing on God's green earth. Lawyer: Therefore, you would _never_ lose your temper over something as trivial as the pronunciation of "chowder". Freddy: That's "chowdah"! Chowdah! I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you, especially those of you in the jury! [man on jury mutters, "He's clearly guilty"] Lawyer: Wow, that didn't go well. The defense rests.

— Making the best of a bad situation, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Judge: Will the jury retire and come to its decision? Mrs. Lovejoy: Heh, this won't take long. He's clearly guilty. We'll probably be home by dinner time. Jasper: Good. I hear the dog from "Frasier" is going to ride the dolphin on "Sea Quest".

— Gotta rush home, then, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Lisa: Well, Bart, because of you, a horrible yet innocent person is going to jail. Bart: Hmm. Maybe I should come forward. Skinner: I can't wait for the sentencing part! That's where I really shine. [Bart imagines standing in front of Skinner at the bench] Skinner: Bart, for the heinous crime of "hooky", I sentence you to a lifetime of hard labor in the cafeteria. [in the cafeteria] Bart: [smoking] More cream corn, Jimbo Junior? Jimbo Jr.: This cream corn tastes like cream crap! Bart: Watch the potty-mouth, honey. [back to the present] Judge: Your sister says you have something to tell me? Bart: What? Uh, um, yeah, uh, I just, I just wanted to say how great it is to finally see some chicks on the bench. Judge: Hmm. Bart: Keep up the good work, toots. [forced laughter] [runs out] Judge: Hmm. Lisa: [sheepish] Heh heh, "chicks on the bench". [forced laughter]

— A blow for women's lib, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Jasper: Why bother voting? He's guilty. Flanders: Well, we might as well make it official. Homer: What does "sequestered" mean? Skinner: If the jury is deadlocked they're put up in a hotel together so they can't communicate with the outside world. Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean? Skinner: It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict. Homer: Uh huh. And "if"? Skinner: A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that". Homer: So _if_ we don't all vote the same way, we'll be _deadlocked_ and have to be _sequestered_ in the Springfield Palace Hotel -- Patty: That's not going to happen, Homer. Jasper: Let's vote. My liver is failing. Homer: -- where we'll get a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO -- Ooh! "Free Willy"! Skinner: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little if anything to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote! Homer: Uh, how are the rest of you voting? Everyone: Guilty. Homer: OK, fine. How many S's in "innocent"? Everyone: Aw. Homer: I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.

— You forgot "free shower curtain", "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Homer: [on phone] Aw, I miss you too, Marge. But the law needs me! I'll be home as soon as I can. [hangs up, presses a button] Room service? Send up two more pot roasts and three more pillows with mints on them. Skinner: {You know...we're kind of like the original "Odd Couple". You're the messy one and I'm the --} Homer: {Shut up!} Skinner: {Oh, yes, very well.}

— Handle with Kare, indeed, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Lisa: So, Bart, have your insides been gnawed away by guilt yet? Bart: Sell it to Hallmark, Sis. You're looking at Cucumber boy, as in "Cool as a". Announcer: [on TV] Next, on "McGonigle", McGonigle is framed for a crime he didn't commit. And only one person can clear his name: a little sissy boy who's too scared to come forward. McGonigle: You gotta tell 'em what you saw, Billy. Billy: But I'm so _scared_, McGonigle. McGonigle: You gotta do this one for me, Billy: McGonigle. Billy: Well, OK. For you, McGonigle. Chief: Well, McGonigle, Billy is dead. They slit is throat from ear to ear. McGonigle: Hey! I'm trying to eat lunch here.

— Negative reinforcement, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Homer: Jump, Free Willy. Jump! Jump with all your might! [on the TV, Willy jumps over a rock barrier as a little boy smiles, but a shadow looms on his face and the smile turns to fear] Woman: Oh, no. Willy didn't make it. And he crushed our boy! Man: Ew. What a mess. Homer: Ohh, I don't like this new director's cut.

— Bemoaning those who control things, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Homer: {[lowering a table out the window] Got it, Barn?} Barney: {[below] Got what? [crash] Ow!} Skinner: {You're stealing a table?} Homer: {I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!} Skinner: {Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing?} Homer: {Souvenir.}

— "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Bart: Mom, what if there's a really bad crummy guy who's going to jail but I know he's innocent? Marge: Well, Bart, your uncle Arthur used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let God sort 'em out." Unfortunately, one day put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshalls to bring him down. Now let's never speak of him again. [hums as she dusts] Bart: Mom. ...Mom. ...Mom! Marge: Huh? Bart: What if I can get this guy off the hook? Should -- should I do it? Marge: Honey, you should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head like a certain uncle did one grey December morn. [hums some more]

— Simpson family skeletons, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Judge: Even though reopening a trial at this point is illegal and grossly unconstitutional, I just can't say no to kids. Lawyer: So, young man, if Freddy Quimby _didn't_ inflict these injuries on Mr. LaCoste, just who did? Bart: Well, I was hiding in the kitchen when it all happened. [flashback] Freddy: Say it, Frenchy! Say "chowder"! Waiter: Never! Freddy: OK, you asked for it. I'm going to enjoy this! [grunts, pops the cork off some champagne, chugs it] Waiter: Hah. [slips on floor, bangs head on four frying pans, breaks glass, hand lands in blender, then in toaster, then head falls in oven, boiling water is spilled on his back, then into broom closet where rat traps snap closed all over him, then beaks more glass and falls over] [back to reality] Bart: And that's what really happened. Waiter: This is an outrage! I am not a clumsy Clouseau-esque waiter. I will -- [trips on chair, falls out window into truck containing rat traps] Waiter: At least, there were no big ones -- [snap] -- aie.

— Only one big one, it seems, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Hutz: How could you have seen all this, Bart? Weren't you supposed to be in school? Bart: [slowly] I sort of skipped school. Skinner: I knew it! I knew you'd slip up sooner or later, Simpson! Apu: What slip up? What are you talking about? He confessed it! Skinner: Quiet, I need this.

— Apu, accidental lawyer, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Skinner: Bart, I'm impressed with what you did in there. You testified for the Quimby boy even though it was putting your own head in a noose. On the other hand, you skipped school. Bart: I guess the two things cancel each other out, huh? Skinner: [sighs] I'm a small man in some ways, Bart. A small, petty man. Three months' detention. Bart: [groans, {walks away}] Skinner: {Wait a minute, Bart. Make that...four months' detention.}

— "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Homer: Well, Marge, it was horrible. Everyone was against me in that jury room. But I stood by the courage of my convictions and I prevailed. And that's why we had chinese food for lunch. Marge: Good for you, Homey! You know, a lot of things happened around here while you were gone. Homer: Right, Marge, I wanna hear all about it. [puts on "open eye" glasses] Heh heh -- Marge: Gimme those! Homer: Aw...[snap] Marge: And those... Homer: Aw...[snap] Marge: And those... Homer: Aw...

— A new third pair?, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Moe: All right, I raise a quarter. Carl: I'm out. Lenny: I'm out. Barney: I'm out. Whoa -- [passes out; chair tips over] Moe: Homer, you want any cards? [Homer gags] Homer! [hits Homer; he coughs up a blue chip] Homer: Whoo! Don't try to eat these so-called "chips".

— A special warning just because of him, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Lenny: You want another card or not? Homer: Huh? Oh, OK. I'll take three. [Moe deals them] D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! I mean...woo hoo. Moe: I'm in. [tosses a chip into the pot] Let's see your cards. Homer: Oh, I was bluffing. [shows them] Moe: Ha ha. Come to papa -- wait a minute! You have a straight flush, Homer! You do this every time, you -- oh, you -- oh! Gah! I'm choking on my own rage here. Carl: Hey, don't yell at Homer. Just 'cause he's a little slow... Homer: [gasps] [thinks] Something was said...not good. What was it? "Don't yell at Homer!" No, that's OK. What was it? ...Slow! They called you slow! [stands up, yells] How dare you call me that! I -- huh? [Lenny walks into empty kitchen wearing night cap] Lenny: [opens fridge] Hey, Homer, you still here? Boy, you _are_ slow. Homer: [thinks] Something said...not good. Lenny: Get the hell out of here!

— All the power of his brain, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"