Movie Trivia

Homer: All right: these are our new family security rules. Be home before dark, and make sure you're not followed. Lock all doors and windows. Marge: And don't take candy from strangers. Homer: [plaintive] Marge, they're only human!

— "Homer the Vigilante"

Lisa: What's the point of all these precautions? I've already lost the only thing that matters to me. Homer: Oh, Lisa, stop pining for your saxophone. I got you another instrument. Lisa: What, this jug? [She blows its spout, producing two alternating tones in rhythm] [Homer begins to laugh and cheer, but Lisa stops] Homer: Lisa, never _ever_ stop in the middle of a hoedown!

— "Homer the Vigilante"

Flanders: Welcome, neighbors. Since the police can't seem to get off their dufferoonies to do something about this burglarino, I think it's time we started our own neighborhood watch... eroony! [Everyone cheers] Now, who should lead the group? Man: You! Everyone: Yay! Flanders! Flanders! Flanders! Flanders: I don't really have very much experience, but I'll -- Moe: Someone else! Everyone: Yay! Someone else! Someone else! Someone else! Homer: _I'm_ someone else. Lenny: He's right! Homer: We don't need a thinker. We need a doer: someone who'll act without considering the consequences. Everyone: Homer! Homer! Homer!

— How quickly they sway, "Homer the Vigilante"

Barney: I'm with you, Homer! McAllister: I be with ya too, matey. Skinner: I'm with you, Homer. Moe: You're the man, Homer. Apu: You should do it. Otto: You're the man, man. Abe: I'll join! I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first I was just filled with vinegar. Homer: Hmm...sorry, Dad. You're too old. Abe: [stammers] Too old? Why, that just means I have experience. Who chased the Irish out of Springfield village in aught four? Me, that's who! Irish man: And a fine job you did, too. Homer: Aw, Dad. You've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless. [tickles Abe] Aren't they? Aren't they? Huh? Yes they are! Yes they are! Tee hee -- Abe: Stop it! That's a form of abuse.

— Father and son, "Homer the Vigilante"

Marge: I don't think the guns are a good idea. Homer: Marge! We're responsible adults. And -- Moe: [shoots] Whoops. Homer: And if a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way -- McAllister: [shoots] Sorry. Skinner: [shoots] Uh oh. Moe: [shoots] Me again. Bart: [shoots] Sorry.

— You were saying?, "Homer the Vigilante"

Homer: {OK, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need code names. I'll be Cue-Ball, Skinner can be Eight-Ball, Barney will be Twelve-Ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-Ball.} Moe: {You're an idiot.}

— No, Moe can be Lucille Ball, "Homer the Vigilante"

Herman: So...wedding, huh? Homer: No, we're forming a vigilante group.

— An easy mistake to make, "Homer the Vigilante"

Herman: See, it's a miniature version of the A-Bomb. The government built it in the fifties to drop on beatniks. [Homer imagines a beatnik on the grass with a bongo] Beatnik: Radiant cool, crazy nightmare Zen New Jersey nowhere... [A group of beatniks snap their fingers in time] [Homer flies overhead in a plane] Homer: Put this in your pipe and smoke it! [Presses a button, but the A-Bomb doesn't fall] Beatnik: How now, brown bureaucrat? [Homer jumps on the bomb, and it falls with him still on it. He cheers as though he's riding a bronco] [It explodes, bringing us back to reality] Take that, Maynard G. Krebs! Herman: Hey...see the sign? ["Do not ride the bomb"] Homer: Sorry.

— Eradication of undesirables, "Homer the Vigilante"

Homer: OK, men, it's time to clean up this town! Skinner: Meaning what, exactly? Homer: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.

— A noble directive, "Homer the Vigilante"

Homer: Hey, you! Where did you get that saxophone? Student: [pause] Sears. Homer: Get him!

— Mistaken identity, "Homer the Vigilante"

Homer: You better have a good reason for doing that, boy. Jimbo: It makes me feel like a big man. Homer: Let me check my reason list. ...Yep! It's on here. Jimbo: Hey! You're that drunken posse. Wow...can I join ya? Homer: [skeptical] I don't know...can you swing a sack of door knobs? Jimbo: _Can_ I? Homer: You're in! Here's the sack. Moe: But you gotta supply your own knobs.

— A small price to pay, "Homer the Vigilante"

Homer: So I said to him, "Look, buddy, your car was upside down when we got here. And as for your Grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!" Lisa: Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes? I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police? Homer: I dunno. Coast Guard?

— You scratch my back..., "Homer the Vigilante"

Marge: Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar? Lisa: And I still don't have my saxophone. Homer: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. [reads a list] Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination -- Lisa: World domination? Homer: Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo. [thinks] Mental note: the girl knows too much.

— Precocious eight-year-olds, "Homer the Vigilante"

Kent: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack-beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent? Homer: Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that. Kent: I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing? Homer: [amused] Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes. Kent: [pause] Well, touche'.

— Effective interview responses, "Homer the Vigilante"

[phone rings] Kent: Well it looks like we have our first caller...and I mean ever, because this is not a call-in show. Hello, you're on the air. Man: Hello, Kent. Hello, Homer -- my arch-nemesis. Homer: Y'ello. Man: You _do_ realize who this is? Homer: Uh...Marge? Man: No, Homer, I'm not your wife. Although, I do enjoy her pearls. As a matter of fact, I'm holding them right now: listen. [plays with them] Homer: Why you monster. And you have my daughter's saxophone too! [He strangles someone off camera] Kent: Homer! That's our stage manager. Homer: Oh...heh, sorry. I'm a little nervous.

— No great loss, "Homer the Vigilante"

Man: You may be interested to know that for my next crime, I'll be pinching the pride and joy of the Springfield Museum -- the world's largest cubic zirconia. Homer: Listen, Mr. Cat Burglar, I vow to go without sleep and guard the Springfield Museum day and night for as long as it takes from now on. Unless you want to taunt me more by giving me an approximate time... [no answer] [sweetly] We'll be right back. Kent: I get to say that!

— No fair, "Homer the Vigilante"

Abe: Son, we want to help you catch that plug-ugly yegg. Homer: [sweet] Dad, the best way for you to help is to set a good example. [serious] Just stand around and don't steal anything. [He turns away, but suddenly turns back, noticing Abe and Jasper carting something from the museum] Hey! Abe: We're on our break!

— Oh, _that_ justifies it, "Homer the Vigilante"

Skinner: Any sign of the burglar yet? Homer: He'll show. Skinner: How's that? Homer: It's his job. Skinner: How's that? Homer: He's a burglar.

— Socratic questioning, "Homer the Vigilante"

Well, Mr. Cat Burglar, you'd like to get in here, wouldn't you? There's just one little problem: 36 years ago, some lady gave birth to a man named Homer J. Simp -- ohmigod: underage kids drinking beer without a permit!

— Homer guards the Springfield Museum, "Homer the Vigilante"

Homer: "Asleep at the switch"? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk! Bart: I believe you, Dad.

— Your sympathy is touching, "Homer the Vigilante"

Jimbo: You let me down, man. Now I don't believe in nothing no more. I'm going to law school Homer: Noo! Lisa: Dad...maybe this will cheer you up. [plays her jug] Homer: Aw, this doesn't work any more. [Lisa stops] I didn't say stop!

— The healing power of hoedown, "Homer the Vigilante"

Abe: Let me through! Let me through. Lisa: Oh, Grampa, they pelted you too? Abe: No, actually, I fell down at the Big Boy.

— Great free-food scams, "Homer the Vigilante"

Abe: Son, I've come to help you. I know who the Cat Burglar is. Homer: What? Marge: Who? Bart: Huh? Lisa: What? Abe: [triumphant] Well, well, well! Before I was just too old, and no one wanted my help. Suddenly, look who comes to old Grampa -- wait! Where are you going? [meek] Come back, I'll tell you.

— No gloating allowed, "Homer the Vigilante"

Abe: He was right under my nose the whole time. He lives in my retirement home. His name is Malloy. Lisa: Wow! How'd you track him down, Grampa? Abe: Good question! On one of my frequent trips to the ground, I noticed Malloy wore sneakers...for sneaking. My next clue came yesterday at the museum. We felt slighted by your age-bashing, and started home. Malloy said, "I'll catch up with you." [Malloy shoots a rope over the building] I couldn't quite put my finger on it. There was something strange about the way he walked -- much more vertical than usual. And finally, Malloy, unlike most retired people, has the world's largest cubic zirconia on his coffee table. Homer: Aw, Dad, I could kiss you! Abe: Well, kiss me right here. It's the only part that still has feelings.

— Sherlock Abe, "Homer the Vigilante"

Skinner: And there she is: the world's largest cubic zirconia. Moe: What an eyesore! Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him. Skinner: How ironic.

— Moronic, that is, "Homer the Vigilante"

Malloy: Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you. Homer: Actually, it wasn't me, it was my dad, Grampa. Abe: Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him! Ah ha ha ha -- Moe: Shut up. Abe: [meek] I've had my moment.

— You'll have fourteen more, "Homer the Vigilante"

Malloy: And of course, I'm happy to return all of your treasured possessions. [Everyone talks with surprise] Selma, my dear: your lock of MacGyver's hair. Selma: Thank you. I'll add it to the ball.

— That's why he's going bald, "Homer the Vigilante"

Malloy: And little Lisa: here's your saxophone. Lisa: Thank you. And thank you, Dad. You got it back -- just like you said you would. Malloy: I sincerely regret any inconvenience that I may have caused. And although I have stolen your material goods, let me assure you that your dear town has stolen my heart. Everyone: Aw! Skinner: Oh, he's so charming. Barney: Let's let him go! Everyone: Yeah! Wiggum: Oh, sorry folks. [sarcastic] Gee, I really hate to spoil this little love-in, but Mr. Malloy broke the law. And when you break the law, you gotta go to jail. Quimby: Uh, that reminds me, er, here's your monthly kickback. Wiggum: You just -- you couldn't have picked a worse time.

— Kickbacks aren't illegal, they're in the Springfield Towne Charter, "Homer the Vigilante"

Homer: I caught the Cat Burglar! I caught the Cat Burglar! That means you-ou! You are the Cat Burglar! Malloy: I suppose you're wondering where I hid all the millions of dollars I stole over the years. Homer: Shut up! Wiggum: No, wait a minute -- maybe we should, er, hear him out. Where'd you hide the loot, Malloy? Malloy: It's buried right here in Springfield...under a big T. Homer: No...kidding? Wiggum: Big T, huh? Homer: [backing away] Well...I guess I'll be going to my home now, and...sleep. Wiggum: Yeah...me too...I will also go home...for sleep.

— Dripping with nonchalance, "Homer the Vigilante"

Wiggum: We need more information. Malloy: Very well. It's buried at 4723 Maple Valley Road. [Everyone stares blankly] [sighs] You take highway 201 south for 15 minutes. You take a left -- a left --

— On a silver platter, "Homer the Vigilante"

Kent: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside? Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

— A reasoned opinion, "Homer the Vigilante"

Otto: I found something! [pulls a briefcase from the ground] Wiggum: [opens it] It's just a piece of paper. Homer: It's mine! [reads] "Frightfully sorry, but there is no hidden treasure. I have already used this time to escape from your jail. Fondest wishes" -- oh, I can't make out the signature! Quimby: Keep digging. We're bound to find something!

— Missing the point, "Homer the Vigilante"

Quimby: I guess we're not going to find anything. Otto: Um, how are we going to get out of here? Homer: We'll dig our way out! Wiggum: No, dig _up_, stupid.

— "Homer the Vigilante"

Man 1: I need one 29-cent stamp. Apu: That's $1.85. Man 2: I'll have $2.00 worth of gas, please. Apu: $4.20. Martin: How much is your penny candy? Apu: [cheerful] Surprisingly expensive!

— Apu the cheerful convenience store employee, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: Jiminy Cricket! Wooh, expired ham. [scribbles over the expiry date] Oh, this time I have gone to far. No, no one will fall for -- Homer: Woo hoo! Cheap meat! [picks it up] Ooh, this one's open. [starts eating it]

— No ham too rancid, "Homer and Apu"

[eats ham, but his stomach groans] Stomach...churning! [eats some more] Bowels...clenching! Not much time...must...finish...[eats some more]

— Homer battles the expired ham, "Homer and Apu"

Hibbert: Well, sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food, or, heh heh, some sort of voodoo curse. Patty: Hey: we've just been working the eyes. [holds up a Homer doll with pins in the eyes]

— That explains the poor vision, "Homer and Apu"

Homer: Your old meat made me sick! Apu: Oh, I'm so sorry. [gets a pail of shrimp] Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp? Homer: [holds one up, sniffs it] This shrimp isn't frozen! And it smells funny. Apu: OK, ten pounds. Homer: Woo hoo!

— No shrimp too thawed, "Homer and Apu"

Good evening. Here's an update on last week's nursing home expose, "Geezers in Freezers." It turns out the rest home _was_ adequately heated; the footage you saw was of a fur-storage facility. We've also been told to apologize for using the term "geezer." Now, coming up next, the case of the cantankerous old geezer.

— Kent Brockman on "Bite Back", "Homer and Apu"

Homer: Oh, rancid meat attack! Stupid parasites. Is there no way I can find justice? Kent: If you have a consumer complaint, just call this number -- Homer: Boring. Lisa: Dad, you should blow the whistle on the Kwik-E-Mart. Kent: And now a message from the Church of Latter-Day Saints. [dog barks repeatedly] Lisa: Dad, are you listening to me? Homer: Shh, Lisa: the dog is barking.

— Anything, indeed, "Homer and Apu"

Kent: All right, are you willing to go undercover to nail this creep? Homer: No way, man. No way, man! Get yourself another patsy, man. No way am I wearing a freakin' wire! Kent: {All right, all right, all right.} Would you be willing to wear a hidden camera and microphone? Homer: Oh, that I'll wear.

— _Much_ safer, "Homer and Apu"

Kent: We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat. [Homer puts it on, and struggles to stand upright] Now, go get us some incriminating footage, and remember: you have to get in and out in ten minutes, or you'll suffer permanent neck damage. Man: [neck horribly twisted] He's not kidding.

— Moving in for the kill, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: Huh? Homer: Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat. Apu: Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet? Homer: Bee? Aah! [stomps on hat, runs out] Kent: Homer, that hat's been with the station twenty years! He had one day left till retirement.

— A sad day for Channel Six, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: Well, time to replenish the hot dog roller. La, la -- oops [drops a hot dog] Oh, no -- it is encrusted with filth. [blows it off] Oh well, let's sell it anyway. Now this is just between me and you...smashed hat. Hee hee -- Kent: Hot diggety-dog, we've got him, Mr. Simpson. Now let's -- Mr. Simpson? Homer: One hot dog, please.

— No hot dog too encrusted, "Homer and Apu"

[on "Bite Back"] Kent: Apu, will you ever stop selling spoiled meat? Apu: No -- I mean, yes -- I mean -- uh oh. [sweats] [Apu turns off the TV] I think I come off very well. Woman: Monster! Run, children.

— "Homer and Apu"

Inspector: Apu Nahasapeemapetilan, you have disgraced the Kwik-E-Mart Corporation. Apu: But, sir, I was only following standard procedure. Inspector: Ah, true. But it's _also_ standard procedure to blame any problems on a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb. Apu: Uh huh, and if I can obtain for you these animals? Inspector: I'm sorry, Apu: I have no choice. You can no longer wear this name patch. [tears it off] Apu: [gasps] Inspector: And you can no longer tell people about our fried pickles. [tears off the patch] Now: turn in your pricing gun. {[Apu removes it from a shoulder holster]} {[severe] The other one too.} [Apu removes it from an ankle holster] Apu: [sighs] Fired...after all these years of loyal service. [picks up a hot dog] I don't want to live any more. Inspector: [grabs him] Give me that weiner -- Apu: I don't want to live, sir! Inspector: Give me that weiner -- Apu: Don't -- Inspector: No, Apu, it's not worth it!

— The biggest moment of Apu's life, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: What do I do now? I have been drummed out of my profession. I'm a disgrace! Even this babbling brook sounds almost like mocking laughter. [laughter is coming from under the bridge where two bums tickle each other with feathers] Bum: Who needs money when we got feathers?

— A new aphorism, perhaps?, "Homer and Apu"

Comedian: Yo, check this out: black guys drive a car like this. [Leans back, as though his elbow were on the windowsill] Do, do, ch. Do-be-do, do-be-do-be-do. Yeah, but white guys, see, they drive a car like this. [Hunches forward, talks nasally] Dee-da-dee, a-dee-da-dee-da-dee-da-dee. [Audience howls with laughter] Homer: Ah ha ha, it's true, it's true! We're so lame!

— Homer's humility, "Homer and Apu"

Homer: No, don't kill me. I didn't know there was film in that camera in that hat! I was unaware. I was unaware! [sobs] Apu: Mr. Simpson, you misunderstand me. In my village this is the traditional pose of apology. Homer: Oh. Apu: You know, now that I think about it, it may be a little confusing. Many have died needlessly.

— The price of tradition, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was _I_ who wronged _you_. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service. Homer: You're...selling _what_, now? Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment. Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. [slams the door] Apu: He's got me there.

— Homer teaches about karma, "Homer and Apu"

Homer: [annoyed] Is he still out there? Marge: Yes. He's raking leaves? Homer: What? That's _your_ job. If he starts doing Lisa's wood chopping -- Marge: If he wants to make it up to you so badly I think you should let him. Homer: OK, OK, I'll let him. But then I get a Chipwich, OK?

— Homer, master delegator, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: It is an honor to begin repaying my debt to you. Back in Ramatpur I was considered quite the gourmet. Marge: [sniffs her food] Mmm, it certainly is exotic. [looks up] Ooh, Lisa -- is that too spicy for you? Lisa: [breathless] I can see through time! Homer: [stuffing his face] Stop being such babies. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a...Apu, what do you call this thing again? Apu: A "napkin". Homer: Ha ha ha ha! Outrageous!

— First time for everything, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: I'm hoping you enjoy this movie. It made every Indian critic's top 400 list. Woman: [singing] Love love love love love! I'm in love with lovely Johnny. [an Indian man breaks through a window and curses in Hindi at three sitting men] [they all start dancing] Bart: This movie you rented sucks. Homer: No it doesn't, it's funny! Their clothes are different from my clothes. [laughs] Look at what they're wearing! [laughs more]

— "Homer and Apu"

Inspector: All right, why do you want to become part of the Kwik-E-Mart family? Barney: Because I like people. And I need a place where I'll be out of the sun. Woman: Thank you. Barney: [burps] Inspector: Hmm...he's head and shoulders above everyone else.

— At beer-drinking, perhaps, "Homer and Apu"

Inspector: Name? Woods: James Woods, heh. Woman: Previous job experience? Woods: Ooh, uh, let's see, "True Believer", uh, "Salvador", "Onion Field", uh -- "The Hard Way"? Inspector: Wait, wait a minute. Those aren't convenience stores! That sounds more like the resume of a Hollywood movie star. Woods: [chuckles] You know, er. Together: [gasp] James Woods!

— That's what he said, "Homer and Apu"

Woman: Why would you want to work at a Kwik-E-Mart? Woods: To be honest, in my upcoming movie I'm going to be playing this tightly-wound convenience store clerk and, I kind of like to research my roles and really get into it. For instance, "True Believer"? I actually worked in a law firm for two months. And then, the film "Chaplin"? I had a little cameo in that. I actually _traveled_ in time, back to the twenties, where -- oh, heh, I've said too much. Inspector: Welcome aboard.

— "Back to the Future" wannabe James Woods, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: {[holds out a towel] Good morning, sir!} Homer: {Aah!} Apu: {Relax, please. You do not have anything I have not seen before. [sees something on Homer's chest] What is...?} Homer: {[sheepish] Er...I...like to keep a lollipop there.}

— For emergencies only, "Homer and Apu"

Marge: Hmm. Apu, we usually store our cans in the cupboard. Apu: Oh, they'll never move that way. Lisa: Mmm, corn! Haven't had that in a while. Bart: Yeah, delicious corn.

— Corn-selling strategy 101, "Homer and Apu"

Marge: [checks the fridge] Oh, we're low on milk for Maggie. You want to come with me to the Kwik-E-Mart? Apu: [knocking over cans] Please, Mrs. Simpson, I -- I cannot go there. That is the scene of my spiritual de-pantsing.

— Not the de-pantsing!, "Homer and Apu"

Marge: Ooh, that's a _great_ price for twelve pounds of nutmeg. Apu: Oh, great selection and rock-bottom prices. But where is the love? Man: [over loudspeaker] Attention, Monstro Mart shoppers: just a reminder that we love each and every one of you. Everyone: Aw. Apu: [impressed] Hmph.

— Plug for the Monstro Mart, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: Mrs. Simpson, the express line is the fastest line not always. That old man up front, he is starved for attention. He will talk the cashier's head off. Abe: {Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three -- medium brown.}

— Then he tied an onion to his belt, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: Let's go to...that line. Marge: But that's the longest. Apu: Yes, but look: all pathetic single men. Only cash, no chitchat.

— Axioms of shopping lines, "Homer and Apu"

Woods: 75, 85, 90, and a dollar. Thank you, and come again. Hey, wait a minute! Hey! Uh...could I just ask you a question? Did you...did you _believe_ that, the way I gave you the change? Did I sound like a _real_ Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kind of guy? Jimbo: Actually, I thought it was a little labored. Woods: Oh. Jimbo: You've got to lose yourself in the moment, man! Woods: Yeah, like, yeah, OK, great! OK, let's, let's just try that again, OK? Come on. Hey, come on -- hey! Get over here. OK, now you're you, I'm me. Jimbo: [with trepidation] I'm me? Woods: [grabs his collar] Hey -- don't..._jerk_ me around, fella.

— Not to be toyed with., "Homer and Apu"

Marge: Apu, you've been so helpful. If it weren't for him, we'd still be in line at the Monstro Mart! Lisa: And he taught me how to play the Sheh'nai. [plays a snake- charmers instrument] Homer: [shudders] That's even worse than the album Grampa released. Bart: And he taught me how to do this. [puts both legs behind his head] I got out of school because I told them I was mangled in a car wreck.

— A believable excuse, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: Thank you all for the kind praise. Homer: Well, you deserve it. All these vegetables are really clearing the cholesterol out of the old heart. [A lump of cholesterol leaves Homer's heart and travels to his brain] [monotonically] Uh, Apu friend me good.

— Brain short circuits, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: You see, whether igloo hut, or lean-to, or a geodesic dome, There's no structure I have been to, which I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived, you were all such jerks, But now I've come to looooooove your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can philosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fella, sorry about the salmonella. Homer: [Heh heh, that's OK.] Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Now here comes the tricky part. Oh, won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Marge: Their floors are Stick-E-Mart, Lisa: They make Dad Sick-E-Mart, Bart: Let's hurl a Brick-E-Mart, Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real...[D'oh!] Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...[held for next three lines] OFF: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart, Goodbye to Kwik-E-Mart, Who needs Kwik-E-mart? Apu: Not me.

— The Kwik-E-Mart song, "Homer and Apu"

Homer: Everything _really_ wrapped up nicely. [checks his watch] Ooh, much quicker than usual. Marge: I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it. Homer: And we've _all_ found happiness, every one of us. [Apu sobs in the background] Hey, what's that sound? [outside, they see Apu on the roof] Apu: [singing folornly] Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do. Homer: {Hey, he's not happy at all. He lied to us through song. I _hate_ when people do that!}

— Damn you, feeble song, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: I can't lie to myself, you know. I _do_ miss my Kwik-E-Mart. Lisa: Isn't there _anything_ you can do to get your job back? Apu: I must go to the head office and appeal my case. Homer: I'm coming with you. I got you fired; it's the least I can do. Well, the least I can do is absolutely nothing, but I'll go you one better and come along! Apu: But, sir, the head office is in India. Homer: OK. Lisa: Dad, that's over ten thousand miles away. Homer: I'm aware of that! Lisa: That's over sixteen thousand kilometers! Homer: D'oh!

— Here comes the metric system, indeed, "Homer and Apu"

Homer: {Are we in India yet?} Apu: {No.} Homer: {Are we in India yet?} Apu: {No.} Homer: {Are we in India yet?} Apu: {No.} Homer: {Are we in India yet?} Apu: {No. Oh, wait...now we are.}

— The plane trip to India, "Homer and Apu"

Tony, you're my agent. You _have_ to do something about this. ...How can it be the same movie if they've changed my character from a convenience store clerk to a jittery eskimo firefighter? ...Uh huh...uh huh...mm hmm...well, actually, that's a pretty good explanation. {Now this is gross, right, this'll be _gross_ points in this new...? OK. Yeah, 'cause there's monkey -- yeah, OK, great.} OK, good: book me a flight, rent me an igloo, and tell those dorks at the Kwik-E-Mart that boom! I am outta here, I'm a dot, I'm gone, OK? ...What do you mean, I gotta give two weeks' notice? Why you frickin', no good, motha [beep] [beep] cheese! ...No, not you, I'm just talking to my oven.

— James Woods' frustrations, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: There she is: the world's first convenience store! [points to store on top of mountain] Homer: This isn't very convenient. Apu: Must you dump on everything we do?

— Well, yes, actually, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: He is the benevolent and enlightened president and C.E.O. of Kwik-E-Mart -- and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. He is the one we must ask for my job back. Master: Approach, my sons. [they do] You may ask me three questions. Apu: That's great, because all I need is one -- Homer: Are you _really_ the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Master: Yes. Homer: Really? Master: Yes. Homer: You? Master: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you. Apu: But I must -- Master: Thank you, come again. Apu: But -- Master: Thank you, come again.

— The master speaks, "Homer and Apu"

Homer: Well, _that_ was a big bust. Is he _really_ the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Apu: [growls, reaches towards Homer] Homer: No need to apologize, Apu: it was as much my fault as it was yours. Apu: [grabs Homer by the throat and squeezes] Homer: OK, Apu: I accept your apology!

— Confusion reigns supreme, "Homer and Apu"

Bart+Lisa: Dad, dad! What did you bring? What did you bring? Marge: How did it go? Homer: Fine! [looks at Apu] Oh, I mean not good. Lisa: I'm sorry, Apu. But remember, [sings] "Who needs the Kwik-E- Mart?" Apu: Would you mind? I'm not in the mood.

— Disappointment, "Homer and Apu"

Apu, if it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead!

— Homer comforts Apu, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: I've got to go down to the Kwik-E-Mart and I'm going to face my demon. Marge: Oh, that'll work out great! We're out of Lucky Charms.

— Dual-purpose visit, "Homer and Apu"

Apu: Ah, my old Squishee machine. And my scum bucket with fly! And a whole check list. Woods: Hey, you're Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, aren't you? I mean, you're the -- you're like _the_ guy, you're a legend around here. Can I ask you, is it true you once worked 96 hours straight? Apu: Oh yes, it was horrible I tell you. By the end I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind. Woods: Oh yeah, you know, I studied your old security tapes. [On tape, Apu imitates a hummingbird, flying back and forth across the screen and emitting a high-pitched humming noise] Apu: In a few minutes, I tried to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head.

— Nectar without cholesterol, that is, "Homer and Apu"

Robber: All right, you. Hand over the cash and don't try any funny stuff. Woods: Hey, pal, I assure you: if I tried any funny stuff, _you_ would be in hysterics.

— Disarming comebacks, "Homer and Apu"

Woods: Apu, you saved my life. And as a small token of my appreciation, I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart. Apu: Oh...oh, Mr. Woods, your -- Woods: But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet. Marge: That sounds like a good movie. Woods: Yes...yes, a...a movie, yes.

— James Woods departs in peace, "Homer and Apu"

Homer: Hey, let's all hug Apu. [They all do, then there's a pause] [Homer looks at his watch] Hey, there's still time: let's hug him again!

— Metahumor, "Homer and Apu"

Ah, the morning horoscope. "Today will be a day like every other day. D'oh! It just gets worse and worse."

— Homer the pessimist, "Bart Gets Famous"

Lisa: [to Bart] Why are you so happy? Homer: Yeah. You kids gotta go to school, I gotta go to work; the only one who has it easy is Marge. [Marge scrubs at the floor, grunting]

— Easy is relative, "Bart Gets Famous"

Bart: We're having a field trip today! Ah, Lis, won't it be great to cast of the shackles of the soul-crushing hellhole that is Springfield Elementary? [sarcastically] Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot: your class isn't going! Lisa: You're right, Bart: school is for losers. [fade to Lisa's future mansion] [Her wall covered with awards] [typing] "And that's how I cured all disease, ended war, and reunited the entire cast of TV's `Facts of Life', including long- time holdout, Tootie." Bart: [polishing Lisa's awards] [groans] Sounds like another Pulitzer for me to polish. Lisa: Hush, field-trip boy! [Lisa kicks Bart] Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize: how ironic. [back to reality] Bart: Yo, Lis: Lis! Come back, Lis! Come back! Lisa: [dreamy] Why? I'm so much happier here.

— "Bart Gets Famous"

Edna: And now, Principal Skinner will tell us where we'll be going on this year's field trip. Skinner: Thank you, Edna, everyone. [clears throat] Now, class, I wonder who among you can tell me what this is? [shows a box] Edna: Oh, not the box factory again, Seymour! [Class groans] Martin: This may well prove fascinating! Bart: I know: I'll just do like Lisa and escape into fantasy! [Bart imagines Seymour] Skinner: Class, instead of going to the box factory today, we'll be going to the...box factory! Bart: Damn TV, you've ruined my imagination, just like you've ruined my ability to -- to, um...uh...oh well. [Turns on Itchy & Scratchy on a portable TV]

— The source of the world's problems, "Bart Gets Famous"

The story of how two brothers (and five other men) parlayed a small business loan into a thriving paper-goods concern is a long and interesting one. And, here it is: it all began with the filing of form 637/A, the application for a small business or farm...

— The box factory's tour guide, "Bart Gets Famous"

Guide: Many interesting and important things have been put into boxes over the years: textiles, other boxes, even children's candy. Milhouse: Do any of these boxes have candy in them? Guide: No. Milhouse: Will they ever? Guide: No, we only make boxes to ship nails. Any other questions? Martin: When will we be able to see a finished box, Sir? Guide: Well, we don't assemble them here -- that's done in Flint, Michigan. Bart: Have any of the workers ever had their hands cut off by the machinery? Guide: No -- Bart: And then the hand started crawling around and tried to strangle everybody? Guide: No, that has never happened. Bart: Any popped eyeballs? Guide: I'm not sure what kind of factory you're thinking of; we just make boxes here.

— Q&A at the box factory, "Bart Gets Famous"

Guide: This room is the most popular part of our tour. Milhouse: It's just like the other rooms. Guide: Yes, but with one important difference: [looks over] Oh, they took that out. Yes, it is just like the other rooms. Milhouse: [pointing out the window] What's that building over there? Guide: That's just a TV studio where they film Krusty the Klown and other non-box-related programs. Since it has nothing to do with boxes, I'll just shut these blinds.

— Keeping attention focused, "Bart Gets Famous"

Guard: [condescending] Do you work here, little boy? Bart: Yeah! Guard: [formal] Well then, go right in, Sir!

— Bart's deceptive!, "Bart Gets Famous"

Skinner: [to Edna] I'll handle this. Simpson! I'm giving you till the count of three to come out! One, two, three! [pause] I've done all I can do. Edna: We better call his parents. Marge: [Runs dripping from the shower toward the ringing phone] Just a minute! Don't hang up! [picks up the phone, but it's dead] Mmm... Edna: No answer at home; I'll call his father. Homer: [Runs with a towel around his waist toward the phone] Just a minute! Don't hang up! Y'ello? You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

— "Bart Gets Famous"

Ethan: Action! Chespirito: [With a lobster on his tail] Ay, ay, ay! No me gusta! [stops] I'm sorry, I'm really not comfortable with this, Ethan. Ethan: What's the matter, love? Chespirito: It's just -- it's, it's the same old tired gags, isn't it? I mean, let's give the audience some credit. Ethan: How about a giant mousetrap? Chespirito: I love it! [someone gets a giant mousetrap] Ethan: Action! Chespirito: Ay, ay, ay! No me gusta! Ay, es grande!

— Ah, much better, "Bart Gets Famous"

Homer: [to Skinner] Whaddaya mean, you lost him? He might have fallen into one of these machines! [turns] Oh, my God: that's his lucky red hat. He's a box! My boy's a box! Damn you, a box!

— Tragedy befalls Homer, "Bart Gets Famous"

Krusty: Aw, heck: now where am I gonna get a danish? Bart: Here's a danish, Krusty! Krusty: Gimme, gimme, gimme! [devours it] Now that's danish! Where'd you get it? Bart: I stole it from Kent Brockman. Krusty: Great! [realizes] Uh, he didn't touch it, did he? Bart: No. Krusty: Good job, kid! What's your name? Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. I saved you from jail. Krusty: [not remembering] Er, I... Bart: I reunited you with your estranged father. Krusty: Er, uh, I don't know... Bart: I saved your career, man! Remember your comeback special? Krusty: Yeah, well, what have you done for me lately? Bart: I got you that danish. Krusty: [grateful] And I'll never forget it.

— It's the little things he remembers, "Bart Gets Famous"

Kent: Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I _don't_ read the news until I get my danish. Go ahead, try to find a replacement. [Chespirito runs over and pushes him aside] Chespirito: A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed one hundred and twenty people. [jumps up] Ay, chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

— News with actions, "Bart Gets Famous"

Homer: [holding a box with a red hat on top] Marge, I have some horrible, bone-chilling news! Marge: [gasps] What is it? Bart: Hi, Homer. Homer: Oh...nothing.

— Crisis averted, everything is super, "Bart Gets Famous"

Bart: Hey, that's my lucky red hat sitting on top of a double- corrugated, eight-fold, fourteen-gauge box! Marge: Oh, it sounds like you really learned something on your field trip. Think you'd be interested in a career as a box maker? Bart: Well, that'll always be the dream...

— "Bart Gets Famous"

Marge: Hmm, I don't know, Bart. You're only ten. Lisa: I've got a weekend job helping the poor and I'm only eight. Homer: [scoffs] That's not a job, it's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothing! What satisfaction you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody! [Marge, Lisa, and Bart stare at him] Bart: So, anyway...

— Homer the Generous, "Bart Gets Famous"

Bart: Can I, Mom? Can I take the job? Marge: Well -- Homer: Why not? I remember my first after school job. I was in a band. [Flashback to Homer wearing many instruments and holding a guitar] Hello, everybody. I'm Archie Bell, and I'm also the Drells. I've got a new song called "Tighten Up," and this is the music you tighten up with! [starts playing; everyone leaves, and an organ grinder chides him] Giuseppe: Hey, what's-a matter you? You crazy kid, you chasing away my business-a. Homer: Buzz off, Giuseppe. Giuseppe: [to his monkey] A-Pepe, go for the face-a! [The monkey does so, and Homer falls over and screams] Yes, son, you can have an electric guitar just like your old man. Bart: Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job. Homer: [condescending] Gig, son. When you're a musician, a job is called a "gig".

— Attack of the killer organ grinder's monkey, "Bart Gets Famous"

Bart: Wow. Bein' in show business is like a dream. We're really lucky, aren't we? Workman: I wish I was dead. Krusty: Don't listen to him, kid. This is a dream factory, the birthplace of magic -- an enchantment! Now I need you to go clean out my toilet. [guides Bart over to it] Right in here, boy: it -- ew! I don't know _what_ I was thinking last night. This'll take you a couple hours.

— "Bart Gets Famous"

Bart: I'm telling you, I _do_ work on the Krusty show. Look at the credits! [presses "play"] Krusty: Bye bye, kids! [laughs] [credits roll] Kent: I'm Kent Brockman. On the eleven o'clock news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm. Bart: [presses "pause"] There's my name, right there: Bart Simpson. Milhouse: Looks more like Brad Stortch. Martin: No! It says Betty -- Betty Symington. Nelson: [punches Bart in the gut] That's for taking credit for other people's work.

— Punishment for usurping, "Bart Gets Famous"

Homer: It's OK, son. Who cares what a bunch of fourth-graders think? You're doing what _you_ want to do with your life. Nothing else matters. Bart: [grateful] Thanks, Dad. That's great advice. Homer: Yep, well, that's what got me where I am today. Bart: [groans] Homer: There, there.

— Admission of uselessness, "Bart Gets Famous"

Edna: OK, kids, open your books to page sixty -- [a phone rings; Bart wakes up and pulls it from his pocket] Bart: [tired] Yes, Krusty? Krusty: Bart, I need to get your fingerprints on a candlestick. Meet me in the conservatory, chop-chop. Don't worry: everything's gonna be aaaall right. Bart: Oh, I wish I was dead.

— You may get your wish soon, "Bart Gets Famous"

Mel: [spits out food] Pah! There's cheese in this sandwich. Surely you know I'm lactose-intolerant? Bart: [bored] Sorry. Mel: Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? [groans] Oh, boy. Come and stand next to the bathroom door; I want to yell at you some more.

— Bart, scapegoat for abuse, "Bart Gets Famous"

Krusty: Bart! I need to use you in a sketch. Bart: You want me to be on the show? Krusty: It's just one line. Mel's supposed to say it, but he's dead. Bart: Dead? Krusty: Or sick, I dunno. I forget. Anyway, all you gotta do is say, "I am waiting for a bus." Then I hit you with pies for five minutes. Got that? Bart: "I am waiting for a bus." Krusty: Makes _me_ laugh. Let's go!

— Humor for the masses, "Bart Gets Famous"

Krusty: Oh, man. It's a miracle we got through that one. Remind me never to let you on stage again, kid. Some people got it, some people don't, and _you_, my young friend, do not have -- hold on, I want to finish this thought outside -- [Opens the door; a crowd awaits] Man: It's that kid! [Everyone cheers] Man: It's the "I didn't do it" guy! [Krusty looks shocked] Krusty: He's mine! [grabs Bart] I own him and all his subsidiary rights!

— A sudden change of heart, "Bart Gets Famous"

Snake: Don't move, dude. This is totally a gun. [Apu presses the alarm button quickly] [Snake cocks the shotgun and points it at Apu] Apu: I didn't do it! [Both laugh helplessly]

— Important hold-up strategies, "Bart Gets Famous"

Lisa: This biography of Bart came out awfully quickly. It's not even about him! Bart: Sure it is! Look at the cover. Lisa: But inside it's mostly about Ross Perot, and the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial. Homer: Ah, Oliver North. He was just _poured_ into that uniform.

— That's _Senator_ Oliver North, almost, "Bart Gets Famous"

I have to pay to see my own grandson. That's the Democrats for ya.

— Abe, fierce Republican, "Bart Gets Famous"

Krusty: See the boy, five dollars, or call him, twenty-four hours a day, on "BartChat". [A little girl dials "BartChat"] Barney: BartChat. Girl: Are you Bart? Barney: Sure I am. I didn't do nothin'. Girl: Uh, isn't it, I didn't do _it_? Barney: Yeah, whatever. [burps]

— Details, "Bart Gets Famous"

Bart: Uh...I never thought I'd say this, but shouldn't we be learning something? Milhouse: Say the line, Bart! Bart: [sighs] I didn't do it. Everyone: Yay!

— The price of education, "Bart Gets Famous"

Homer: Come on, Lisa, say something funny. [holds a tape recorded with a microphone] Lisa: Like what? Homer: Oh, something stupid like Bart would say. "Bucka Bucka" or "Woozle Wuzzle": something like that. Lisa: Forget it, Dad. If I ever become famous, I want it to be for something worthwhile, not because of some obnoxious fad. Bart: Obnoxious fad? Homer: Aw, don't worry, son. You know, they said the same thing about Urkel, a -- that little snot boy! I'd like to smash that kid!

— Homer's temper flares, "Bart Gets Famous"

Homer: What the hell are you reading books for? Bart: I'm doing "The Conan O'Brien Show", and I want to have some intelligent stuff to talk about. Homer: Don't forget to say "I didn't do it." Bart: Dad, there's more to me than just a catch-phrase. Homer: How do you figure, boy? Bart: Watch "The Conan O'Brien Show", you'll see. Homer: All right, but after Leno I'm all laughed out, you know.

— "Bart Gets Famous"

Bart: You know, Conan, I have a lot to say. I'm not just a one-line wonder. Did you know that a section of rain forest the size of Kansas is burned every single -- Conan: Just do the line. Bart: [glum] I didn't do it. [Everyone laughs and cheers] Conan: [laughs] Great material. We'll be right back. [Music starts, and Conan dances. Bart half-heartedly joins him] Sit perfectly still: only I may dance!

— Deprived, "Bart Gets Famous"

Bart: "Just do the line", "Just do the line"...what's going to happen to me? [He imagines the future set of "The Match Game"] Announcer: And now it's time for "Match Game 2034", with Billy Crystal! Billy: Hi! Announcer: Farah Fawcett-Majors-O'Neal-Varney! Farah: [grunts] Announcer: The "I didn't do it" boy! Bart: [grunts] Announcer: Ventriloquist Loni Anderson! Loni: [sighs] Announcer: Spike Lee! Spike: Mmm. Announcer: And the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle! Kitty: Hi, everybody: let's start the game!

— Worse than "Let's Make A Deal", "Bart Gets Famous"

Marge: [knocking] Bart? It's time to get ready for the show. Bart: Nooo! [blocks his door] Krusty: Where is that little punk? We go on in ten minutes. Oh, the tension. Somebody! Walk on my back. [Everyone stops, looks at the prone klown] [They all run over to walk on him] Ow! Ow! One at a time! No teamsters.

— Popularity problems, "Bart Gets Famous"

Marge: Honey, I know you feel a little silly saying the same four words over and over, but you shouldn't. You're making people happy, and that's a very hard thing to do. Bart: You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job. I am going to go out there tonight and give the _best_ performance of my life. Marge: The _best_ performance of your life? Bart: The _best_ performance of my life!

— What was that again?, "Bart Gets Famous"

Krusty: Where is that lousy little pisher -- [Bart walks in] [joyfully] Bart! [kisses him] [On stage, a fanfare plays] And now, boys and girls, here he is, the boy that says the words you've been longing to hear, like the salivating dogs that you are, Bart Simpson!

— Did someone ring a bell?, "Bart Gets Famous"

Bart: What happened? Krusty: Aw, don't worry about that. You're just finished, that's all. Bart: Finished? Krusty: Ehh, it happens all the time. That's show business for you: one day you're the most important guy that ever lived, the next day you're some shmoe working in a box factory. Guide: I heard that. Bart: Boy. Show business is kind of cruel, isn't it? [Krusty slams and locks the exit, leaving Bart outside]

— You _could_ say that, yes, "Bart Gets Famous"

Marty: That was "Kung Fu Fighting". Say, speaking of one-trick ponies, whatever happened to that "I didn't do it" kid? Bill: Boy, did _that_ get old fast. Whoa! You know, if you want to last in this business, you've gotta stay fresh! [a slide-whistle and clown horn play]

— "Bart Gets Famous"

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one- dimensional character with a silly catch-phrase. Homer: [breaks a lamp] D'oh! Bart: Ay, caramba! Marge: Mmm. Maggie: [sucks her pacifier] Flanders: Heidely-ho. Barney: [burps] Nelson: Ha, ha! Burns: Ex-cellent! [Everyone looks at Lisa] Lisa: [unimpressed] If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

— Three-dimensional Lisa, "Bart Gets Famous"

Hibbert: Er, welcome to the new Springfield Center for Geriatric Medicine. You know, health care for the aging is an important priority in this -- Abe: Get to Matlock! Maaatlooock! Hibbert: Well, uh, ahem, without further ado, heh heh, I give you the man who puts young people behind bars -- where they belong. TV's Matlock! [An old man with two canes walks slowly onto the stage] Crowd: [singing] We love you Matlock, oh yes we do...

— Matlock: Hero of the Aged, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Abe: Hello. As you may know, I might not be around much longer. So, I've decided to give you your inheritance before I die. That way I can see you enjoy it. Lisa, I know you like reading and...so forth. To you, I give you my lifetime of personal correspondence. Lisa: Thanks. [reads] "Mr. Simpson stop Your calls and letters are becoming nuisance stop If you do not cease I will be forced to pursue legal action stop Signed Boris Karloff, Hollywood, California."

— A persistent fan, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Abe: And to my son Homer -- Homer: Woo-hoo! Abe: -- and his entire family -- Homer: D'oh! Abe: -- I leave these: a box of mint-condition 1918 liberty-head silver dollars. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub and -- [notices everyone ready to leave] where are you going? Homer: Dad, we'd love to stay here and listen to your amusing antidote, but we have to take these coins to the mall and spend 'em!

— Priority one, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Abe: Anyway, about my washtub...I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a "walking bird". We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called "baseball"...

— Onions for everyone's belt, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Homer: Look, Maggie! It's Sergeant Thug's Mountaintop Command Post! Complete with "DeathBringer Missiles" that really launch. Marge: Mmm...that toy isn't safe for a baby like Maggie! Homer: Aw, come on, Marge, you're way too -- [cuts his finger on it] D'oh! Aw -- [gets electrocuted] Aah! [launches a missile into his mouth] ooh -- [it explodes]

— A closed mouth gathers no feet, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Abe: When I was young, toys were built to last. Look at this junk! [holds a toy rocket] It breaks the first time you take it out of the box. [He strains, then manages to break it in half] And look at these toy soldiers -- they'll break the second I step on 'em. [stomps on em] Arg! Stupid! Toy! Soldiers! Break, you stupid -- [Two security guards grab him] Guard: All right, come on, Pops. Soldiers won't bother you any more.

— Reliving days of pain, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Lisa: I warning you, Mom: I may get a little crazy. Marge: Oh, I understand, honey. When I was your age, there was a -- Lisa: [rushing at the girls] Hey, horse-face! Get your ugly hooks off that Summer Fun Set!

— Worse than Woodstock, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Girl 1: Look! Achy Breaky Stacy for a dollar ninety-nine! Girl 2: Live from the Improv Stacy's only eighty-nine cents! Together: [realizing] Eww! [drop the dolls]

— Passing doll fads, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Girl 2: Hey, Mister, what's in the box? Employee: [uncomfortable] Uh, it's the, uh, new talking Malibu Stacy. [a crowd of little girls pause, then rush him] Girls: Get him! Employee: Help! Mr. Wise!

— Pandemonium breaks loose, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Bart: [plays with Sergeant Thug's Mountaintop Command Post, making plane and machine gun noises] Abe: Hey, watch it with that thing! [a missile launches out the window] My skull is eggshell-thin. [The missile explodes behind the car] Bart: Cool! Lisa: Thanks for buying us these toys, Grampa. Abe: Ehh, why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows, or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty! Ew, what smells like mustard? There're sure a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh! Look at that one. [Homer turns into the driveway; everyone jumps out except Abe] Ow, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a Demmycrat. [Everyone rushes into the house] Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt. Hello? [honks horn repeatedly]

— The challenge of aged parents, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Abe: Why are you people avoiding me? Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of Death? Homer: [pause] Yes, but there's more. [sits down on the couch] Dad, I love you, but -- [angry] you're a weird, sore-headed old crank and nobody likes you! Abe: Consarn it! I guess I am an old crank. But what am I going to do about it? [On TV, mellow music plays and three old people drink Buzz Cola. Suddenly, they're transformed into partiers. An old man with an H. R. Beck guitar wears Hawaiian shorts] Old man: One sip and I'm totally hip! Announcer: Buzz Cola. There's a little boogie in every bottle. Abe: Holy smokes, that's it! From now on I'm thinkin', actin', and lookin' young, and I'm gonna start with a bottle of Buzz Cola. [Grabs it from Homer, starts to chug] Oh! Ah! Ow! The bubbles are burning my tongue! Ow! Oh! Water! water!

— It was the thought that counted, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Lisa: A hush falls over the general assembly as Stacy approaches the podium to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address. [pulls Stacy's cord] Stacy: I wish they taught shopping in school! Lisa: [groans, pulls Stacy's cord again] Stacy: Let's bake some cookies for the boys! Lisa: Come on, Stacy. I've waited my whole life to hear you speak. Don't you have anything relevant to say? [pulls cord] Stacy: Don't ask me, I'm just a girl. [giggles coquettishly] Bart: Right on! Say it, sister. Lisa: It's not funny, Bart. Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act -- that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband! Bart: [pause] Just what I was going to say.

— Shyeah, right, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Stacy: Let's buy makeup so the boys will like us. Lisa: [sighs] Don't you people see anything wrong what Malibu Stacy says? Celeste: There's something wrong with what _my_ Stacy says. Stacy: [in a low voice] My spidey sense is tingling -- anybody call for a web-slinger? Lisa: No, Celeste. I mean, the things she says are sexist. Girls: [giggle] Lisa said a dirty word!

— Ah, to be eight again, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Lisa: They _cannot_ keep making dolls like this...something has to be done! [Chewing stops slowly; Homer swallows noisily] Marge: Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you've been doing that an awful lot lately! Bart: Yeah. You made us march in that gay rights parade! [Holds up newspaper showing gay parade with Bart prominently in front looking surprised] Homer: And we can't watch Fox because they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria. Lisa: I can't believe you're just going to stand by as your daughters grow up in a world where this, _this_, is their role model. Marge: I had a Malibu Stacy when I was little and I turned out all right. Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream! Stacy: Now low let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!

— Subconscious memory strikes again, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Voice: Hello. You have reached the Malibu Stacy customer service center. If you have a complaint about Malibu Stacy's appearance or odor, press one. If you've given Malibu Stacy a haircut and need to order a replacement head, press two. For information on our factory tour, press three. Lisa: Mom! We could go on the factory tour and I could complain in person! Marge: Honey, you're not going to throw red paint at the executives, are you? The Keebler people were very upset.

— Environmentally unfriendly cookie-makers, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Tour guide: Welcome to "Enchantment Lane" where all the parts come together and Malibu Stacy is born. Some folks say there's a little touch of fairy dust in the air. [Shot of grizzled men unhappily assembling dolls] Foreman: Aw, crap. There's a clog in the torso chute. Leroy! Get your ass in gear. Leroy: Shut your hole. [jams a mop in the chute] [a whole pile of torsos fall out]

— Fairy dust and asbestos, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Narrator: Malibu Stacy: America's favorite eight-and-a-half incher. In 1959, homemaker Stacy Lavelle had a design and a dream. The design? Malibu Stacy. The dream? To mass market a fashion doll that was also edible. Kids didn't much like the taste of dried onion meal, but they _loved_ the doll. A second, plastic Malibu Stacy took America by storm. Just ask the owner of the world's largest Malibu Stacy collection: Wayland Smithers of Springfield. Smithers: Hello, Malibu Stacy collectors. I'll see _you_ [points] at StacyCon '94, at the San Diego Airport Hilton. Narrator: And what does Stacy think of her thirty-five years of success and millions of friends worldwide? Stacy: Don't ask me, I'm just a girl. [giggles] Narrator: [chuckles] She sure is.

— Nightmare demotional videos, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Tour guide: Well, that's the tour. If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer -- Lisa: I have one. Tour guide: Yes? Lisa: Is the remarkably sexist drivel spouted by Malibu Stacy intentional, or is it just a horrible mistake? Tour guide: [laughs] Believe me, we're very mindful of such concerns. Man: [wolf whistles] Hey Jiggles, grab a pad and back that gorgeous butt in here. Tour guide: [laughs good-naturedly] Oh, get away, you. Man: Aw, don't act like you don't like it.

— Mindful of some concerns, yes, but not others, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you. Abe: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you. Homer: {I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me -- no matter how dumb my suggestions are.} {[pulls out a "nuts and gum" mixture, starts chomping]}

— Together at last, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Lisa: Well I'm not going to accomplish anything just sitting here -- Abe: -- and griping. It's time for -- Lisa: -- action! I've got to talk to that woman who invented Malibu Stacy, and see if I can get her to -- Abe: -- come out of retirement. I'm gonna get me a job -- a real malibu [falters]...and see if Stacy...can help...invent...me... young...Help! Lisa: You're getting a job. Abe: Yes! I'm going where the action is.

— Slipped his mind for a moment, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

[Lisa knocks] Smithers: [answers] Yes? I -- why, it's Homer Simpson's daughter. Lisa: I thought you might be able to help me get in touch with the inventor of Malibu Stacy. Smither: Whew! Heh, that would be quite a feat. Stacy Lavelle is a total recluse! She hasn't appeared in public in twenty years. Here, I'm writing an article on her for my next Malibu Stacy newsletter. It contains her last known whereabouts. Here, I'll print you out a copy. Lisa: Thanks! [Smithers turns his computer on. A bitmapped Mr. Burns appears] Burns: [with inconsistent pitch] Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on. Smithers: Um...you probably should ignore that.

— Thank God for scanners and samplers, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Lisa: Excuse me, Miss Lavelle? I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy. Stacy: Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down? Lisa: Am I the first? Stacy: [pause] Yes. Lisa: I want you to hear what Malibu Stacy is telling a generation of little girls. Stacy: [the doll] Thinking too much gives you wrinkles. [The old iron gate creaks open slowly. Lisa walks in] Boy: All right! I've been waiting nine years to get my frisbee back. [He throws it, but it goes right back inside] [moaning] Aw!

— Another nine years you'll wait, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Stacy: [the doll] My name is Stacy, but you can call me [wolf whistle]. Stacy: I see exactly what you mean; this is a problem. But what do you expect me to do? Lisa: Change what she says. It's your company. Stacy: Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective. Lisa: [gasps] That's awful. Stacy: Well, that, and...I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

— Too late to save Saigon, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

But you _are_ Malibu Stacy. And as long as she has your name, you have a responsibility. I'd be mortified if someone ever made a lousy product with the Simpson name on it.

— Lisa, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Stacy: I may have had things in common with Stacy at the beginning, but thirty years of living her lifestyle taught me some very harsh lessons. Five husbands: Ken, Johnny, Joe, Dr. Colossus, Steve Austin -- Lisa: But if you can learn from Malibu Stacy's mistakes, so can everyone! I'm sure we can think of something together. Come on! Stacy: Not now, I'm...to drunk. Lisa: No you're not. [Stacy sips slowly from a drink, then sighs] Lisa: Uh, I'll come back tomorrow.

— "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

We need some more Secret Sauce. Put this mayonnaise in the sun.

— Mr. Peterson, manager of Krusty Burger, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

She'll have the wisdom of Gertrude Stein and the wit of Cathy Guisewite, the tenacity of Nina Totenberg, and the common sense of Elizabeth Cady Stanton! And to top it off, the down-to-earth good looks of Eleanor Roosevelt.

— Lisa's talking doll plans, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Joe: Stacy, please, I must have you back. Just come for a ride with me in my Mobile Command Unit[tm]. Stacy: Joe, I told you, it's over. Release me from your Kung-Fu Grip[tm]. Joe: Fine. I'll bomb your house into the ground, missy.

— Unpleasant ex-husband visits, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Lisa: Make sure you get my mom's hair just right! Stacy: [lops it off] Um, I think we'll use someone different for the hair. Lisa: How about me? Stacy: Um, there's something not quite -- Bart: How about me? Stacy: I -- uh -- Homer: How about me? Stacy: [frustrated] You _all_ have hideous hair! Family: [gasps] Stacy: I mean, from a _design_ point of view.

— Backpedaling quickly, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Techie: Talking doll, take eight. Lisa: "When I get married, I'm keeping my own name." Oh, no, that should probably be "If I choose to get married." Techie: Uh, look, little girl, we got other talking dollies to record today. Krusty: [barging in with cue cards] All right, you poindexters, let's get this right! One: "Hey, hey, kids, I'm Talking Krusty." Two: "Hey, hey, here comes Slideshow Mel" -- again -- "Here comes Sideshow Mel". "Sideshow Mel". Three: [does a Krusty laugh] Budda-bing, budda-boom, I'm done. Learn from a professional, kid. [walks out, squeals his tires away] Techie: OK, Krusty, we are ready to roll any -- what the...?

— Don't blink, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Doll: Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything! Lisa: All right. Now all we need is a name. Bart: How about Blabbermouth, the jerky doll for jerks? Lisa: How about Minerva, after the Roman goddess of wisdom? Stacy: Ehh, not enough commercial appeal. Bart: Wendy Windbag? Ugly Doris? Hortense the mule-faced doll! Stacy: I think we should name her after Lisa. We'll call her Lisa Lionheart. Bart: No, Loudmouth Lisa! Stupid Lisa Grabage Face! [no one pays attention] I can't stand this any longer. Somebody please pay attention to me! Hello, pay attention to me! Look at me! I'm Bart, I'm Bart! Look at me, look at me, look at me! [waggles tongue]

— Ignoring is bliss, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Lisa: This is great. They're really going to sell our doll! Stacy: Well, it wasn't difficult. I just told them who I was, and who you were, and they couldn't resist. Lisa: Really? Stacy: Well, I didn't tell them who _you_ were.

— Oh, no, not Lisa Simpson, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Executive: Gentlemen, we've got to sink this Lisa Lionheart doll, and fast! It's time to call in a favor from Washington. Senator: [on phone] Yes...yes, I understand...I'll take care of it personally. [drives by the Simpson house in his limo, tosses a brick at the door, laughs evilly, and drives off] Lisa: Dad, did you hear something? Homer: [dumb voice] I-unno.

— Oh, no, not the brick, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Daughter: Dad? Kent: Uh huh? Daughter: My new doll is much better than Malibu Stacy. Do a newscast about her. Kent: Ho ho, please, honey, Daddy's job is to bring people important news. Right now I'm busy preparing a report about the fortieth anniversary of Beetle Bailey. Daughter: Oh, Daddy, that is boring. Talk about the dolly! Kent: [considers] Well, you were right about the Berlin Wall...

— Who needs an AP wire?, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Though it was unusual to spend 28 minutes reporting on a doll, this reporter found it impossible to stop talking. It's just really fascinating news, folks. Good night! [Music starts playing and credits roll] Oh, and the President was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night, or you can turn to another channel. [Looks off to the side] Oh. Do not turn to another channel.

— Kent Brockman, intrepid reporter, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Executive: Our one effort to put a stop to this Lisa Lionheart thing has failed miserably. Gentlemen, we have to reinvent Malibu Stacy for the nineties. [ominous] We'll stay here all night if need be. Man: Can we order Chinese food? Executive: [pause] Yes. [Everyone starts talking excitedly]

— Great motivators, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Jasper: I cut my tongue on these pancakes. Woman: These eggs are difficult to digest. I want soft-boiled eggs! Abe: I told you, we don't have soft-boiled eggs! If you want -- by gum, you're right! We should have 'em. I shouldn't be listening to complaints; I should be making them with you guys! The good Lord lets us grow old for a reason: to gain the wisdom to find fault with everything He's made. Mr. Peterson, you can take this job and...fill it. And one more thing -- I never once washed my hands. That's your policy, not mine.

— Abe fesses up, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Lisa: [sigh] Well, I guess you can't beat big business. There's just no room for the little guy. Lisa: [the doll] Trust in yourself, and you can achieve anything! [another girl plays with Lisa Lionheart and smiles] Lisa: You know, if we get through to just that one little girl, it'll all be worth it! Stacy: Yes. Particularly if that little girl happens to pay $46,000 for that doll. Lisa: What? Stacy: Oh, nothing.

— Financial loss but emotional gain, "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Carl: I hate these "Worker of the Week Award" ceremonies. Lenny: Who even cares any more? Everyone at work sure has already got one. Carl: Except foooooor -- Homer: Hello! Well, today's the day for Homer J.! I _know_ I'm going to win this time. Lenny: Yeah? How come? Homer: Union rule 26. "Every employee must win 'Worker of the Week' at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity, or rank odor." Heh heh heh heh.

— He's a shoo-in, then, "Deep Space Homer"

Smithers: Attention, everyone. Let's have an awed hush please for Mr. Burns. [Everyone gasps] Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. [Smithers whispers to him] Hmm? What? Oh, and by that I mean, of course, it's time for the "Worker of the Week Award". I can't believe we've overlooked this week's winner for so very, very long. We simply could not function without his tireless efforts. So, a round of applause for...this inanimate carbon rod! [Everyone cheers] Homer: [growls] Ooh...inanimate, huh? I'll show him inanimate! [stands perfectly still while his shadow elongates]

— Homer, master impressionist, "Deep Space Homer"

Homer: Stupid carbon rod. It's all just a popularity contest! Bart: Wow! Did you actually get to _see_ the rod? Marge: Oh, I'm sorry, Homey. Homer: [mournful] Nobody respects me at work. Marge: Well _we_ respect you! [Bart writes "Insert Brain Here" on the back of Homer's head] [Lisa and Bart laugh] Bart, I told you, don't draw on your father's skull. [Marge reads it and begins to chuckle]

— Once a Simpson, always a Simpson, "Deep Space Homer"

Homer: Ah, TV respects me. It laughs _with_ me, not at me! [Turns it on; a man points at him] Man: You stupid -- [laughs uncontrollably] Homer: D'oh! [switches channels]

— "Deep Space Homer"

Tom: It's a lovely day for a launch, here, live at Cape Canaveral, at the lower end of the Florida Peninsula, and the purpose of today's mission is truly, really electrifying. Man 2: That's correct, Tom. The lion's share of this flight will be devoted to the study of the effects of weightlessness on tiny screws. Tom: Unbelievable, and just imagine the logistics of weightlessness. And of course, this could have literally millions of applications here on Earth -- everything from watchmaking to watch repair. Homer: Boring. [tries to switch channels, but the batteries fall from the remote control] No! The batteries! Tom: Now let's look at the crew a little. Man 2: They're a colorful bunch. They've been dubbed "the Three Musketeers". Heh heh heh -- Tom: And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different _kind_ of mathematician, and a statistician. Homer: Make it stop! [panics] Bart: Oh no, not another boring space launch. Change the channel. Change the channel! Homer: I can't! I can't! [Bart dives for the plug and tears it from the wall] [He and Homer both sigh]

— Close call, "Deep Space Homer"

Assistant: Sir, we've run into a serious problem with the mission. These Nielsen ratings are the lowest ever. [holds a piece of paper] Scientist: Oh my God...we've been beaten by "A Connie Chung Christmas!"

— NASA's ultimate nightmare, "Deep Space Homer"

Scientist: People, we're in danger of losing our funding. America isn't interested in space exploration any more. Assistant: Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret: that all the chimps we sent into space came back super-intelligent. Chimp: No, I don't think we'll be telling them _that_. [Roller skates away, making monkey noises]

— The best-kept secret, "Deep Space Homer"

Scientist: We need a fresh angle to keep the public interested. Assistant: The public see our astronauts as clean-cut, athletic go- getters. They hate people like that. Woman: Well, who do they like? Assistant: Well, here are the most popular personalities on television, or "TV". [Turns one on, shows "Home Improvement"] Taylor: I did it! I supercharged my riding mower. [Makes his characteristic noises. Backs through a fence by mistake] Oh, no! I've killed Wilson. Looks like it's back to jail for me. [Makes more train noises] [The next channel shows "Married...With Children"] Peg: [whines] Al...let's have sex! Al: Ehh, no Peg. [Audience laughs and claps] [Al flushes a toilet, and everyone hollers and cheers]

— Fox: only the best programs, "Deep Space Homer"

Researcher: Why, they're all a bunch of blue-collar slobs! Scientist: People, that's who we need for our next astronaut. Assistant: I suggest a lengthy, inefficient search. At the taxpayers' expense, of course. Scientist: I wish there was an easier way. [Phone rings] Homer: Hello, is this NASA? Scientist: Yes? Homer: Good! Listen: I'm sick of your boring space launches. Now I'm just an ordinary, blue-collar slob, but I know what I likes on TV. Scientist: How did you get this number? Homer: Shut up! And another thing: how come I can't get no Tang 'round here? And also -- [a toilet flushes] Scientist: People, our long search is over.

— At no expense to the taxpayers, yet, "Deep Space Homer"

Homer: Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang, it'd be you. ...Shut up! Assistant: Excuse me -- Homer: Aah! Assistant: Are you the person that called NASA yesterday? Homer: No, it wasn't me, I swear! It was...him! [points to Barney] Scientist: Sir, how would you like to get higher than you've ever been in your life? Barney: Be an astronaut? Sure! Scientist: Well, welcome aboard. I think you'll find this will win you the respect of your family and friends. Homer: [gasps] Respect? Nooo! It was me. _I_ made the crank call. I do it all the time! Check with the FBI: I have a file. I have a file! Scientist: Ehh, better take both of them. [The assistant clubs Barney and Homer, knocking them out] I don't really think that was necessary; they _wanted_ to be astronauts. Assistant: I know.

— "Deep Space Homer"

Scientist: Ladies and gentlemen and members of the press. I'd like to present the new generation of NASA astronauts: the average American. [Curtain rises to show Homer wearing a "Hail to the Chef" apron and Barney dressed as a golfer] Reporter: Jim Wallace, Associated Press. [clears throat] Is this a joke? Scientist: [cheery] Far from it, Jim. One of these men will prove space travel is within the reach of the common man. Reporter: Toby Hunter, Minneapolis Star. No really, is this a joke? Scientist: No, Toby, and no more questions about whether this is a joke. [Everyone lowers their hand, dejected]

— "Deep Space Homer"

Reporter: Uh, question for the barbeque chef. Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending underqualified civilians into space? Homer: I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to [ominous] that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty...that was _our_ planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell! [weeps] Barney: [burps] Oh -- [falls over] Scientist: Thank you, that's all we have time for.

— The NASA press conference, "Deep Space Homer"

Scientist: Now of course only one of you will be chosen to go into space. So the next few weeks will be a grueling series of tests to determine which one of you is most qualified. Assistant: Oh, and Mr. Gumble: for the duration of the training there will be no more beer. Barney: What? Three whole weeks with only wine? I'll go crazy! Homer: And may the best man win. [whispers to assistant] He's got a big drinking problem; could embarrass the program. Meet me up in that tree later and I'll tell you more.

— Good sportsmanship, "Deep Space Homer"

Bart: Wow, my father an astronaut. I feel so full of...what's the opposite of shame? Marge: Pride? Bart: No, not _that_ far from shame. Homer: [quavering] Less shame? Bart: [happy] Yeah...

— English has a word for everything, "Deep Space Homer"

Marge: You know, Homer, when I found out about this, I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then...kind of sleepy, then worried, and then concerned, but now I realize that being a spaceman is something you have to do. Homer: Who's doing what now?

— Does Marge read "Life in Hell"?, "Deep Space Homer"

Homer: Well, here I am, right on time. I don't see Barney "Let's crash the rocket into the White House and kill the President" Gumble... Assistant: Actually, he's been here since sunrise. [Barney works with a punching bag] Barney: Hi Homer. Since they made me stop drinking, I've regained my balance and diction! Observe: [does backflips] "I am the very model of a modern major general, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral." Homer: Oh, that's nothing. Watch this: [does cartwheels] "There once was a man fron Nantucket, Whose --" [smashes into a wall]

— Let's not complete that limerick, "Deep Space Homer"

Scientist: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the two experienced astronauts who will accompany the winner into space: Race Banyon and Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon! Buzz: {Second comes right after first. [Long pause]} So Barney, we hear you're kickin' ass. Homer: [contemptuous] I, er, don't think this contest is over yet, "Buzz"...if that _is_ your real name. I believe there is still a little something called "The Swimsuit Competition". Scientist: There's no swimsuit competition, Homer. Homer: [voice rising] You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?!

— That's what he means, "Deep Space Homer"

Scientist: Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard. And in a way, you're both winners. But in another more accurate way, Barney is the winner. Homer: [downcast] Congratulations, Barney. Scientist: That's very gracious of you, Homer. Please join us in a toast...to the mission! [The four of them drink, and Barney looks slightly crazed] Barney: It begins...[grabs the bottle and chugs]

— So close and yet so far, "Deep Space Homer"

Scientist: [resigned] Well, Homer, I guess you're the winner by default. Homer: Default? Woo hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language: de-fault! De-fault! De-fault! [assistant clubs him] Scientist: Where'd you get that, anyway? Assistant: Sent away.

— Thank God for mail-order, "Deep Space Homer"

Announcer: The preceding program contained scenes of extreme violence and should not have been viewed by young children. [Bart and Lisa cackle with mirth]

— Pointless disclaimers after Itchy and Scratchy, "Deep Space Homer"

Homer: Marge...I don't really want to go through with this. But being an astronaut is how I got you to respect me! Marge: Homer, when I met you, you weren't an astronaut. You didn't even know how to use a touchtone, but I _still_ respected you and I always will, no matter what. [touchtone sounds come from the phone] Homer, you already dialed.

— I can't believe they invented it, "Deep Space Homer"

Marge: But on the other hand, when you don't take advantage of an opportunity, you can end up regretting it for the rest of your life. Homer: You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day I kept saying, "I'll go a little later. I'll go a little later." And then when I got there, they told me he'd just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he would ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again! I'm going into space right now! Marge: Oh, I am so proud of you. And I know it's going to go just fine -- [touchtone sounds come from the phone] Mmm...

— I still can't believe they invented it, "Deep Space Homer"

Buzz: Mission Control, this is Corvair. Launch sequence initiated. All systems go. Homer: Are we there yet? I'm thirsty. Race: Mission Control, request permission to sedate cargo ahead of schedule. Controller: Permission denied.

— Busted!, "Deep Space Homer"

Race: Payload checklist. IRS surveillance satellite -- Buzz: Check. Race: Ant farm -- Buzz: Check. Race: Children's letters to God -- Buzz: Check.

— Only the essentials on _this_ mission, "Deep Space Homer"

Bart: Go, Dad, go! Lisa: "How doth the hero strong and brave, A celestial path in the heavens pave." Everyone: Huh? Lisa: [quiet] Go, Dad, go.

— No time for eloquence, "Deep Space Homer"

Assistant: Sir, the TV ratings for the launch are the highest in ten years. Everyone: Yay! Scientist: And how's the spacecraft doing? Assistant: I dunno. All this equipment is just used to measure TV ratings.

— Equipment purchased at the taxpayers' expense, "Deep Space Homer"

It's beautiful. It's the most awe-inspiring sight I have ever seen. Giver of life, mother of us all...hey guys, look what I smuggled aboard! [shows a bag of chips]

— Homer, just after lift-off, "Deep Space Homer"

Ant 1: Protect the queen! Ant 2: Which one's the queen? Ant 3: I'm the queen! Ant 1: No you're not! Homer: Nooo! [his head smashed the colony, and the ants float free] Ant 1: Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom! Buzz: You fool! Now we may never know if ants can be trained to sort tiny screws in space.

— The bane of humanity, "Deep Space Homer"

Controller: Er, some good news, gentlemen. We have quite a treat for you. We've been able to coax superstar James Taylor in here to Mission Control to wish you well and play you a little bit of his own brand of laid-back adult contemporary music. Homer: Wow, former president James Taylor. Taylor: How ya doin', fellas? Buzz: With all due respect, Mr. Taylor, this isn't the best time for your unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. We have a potentially critical situation here. I'm sure you'll understand. Taylor: Listen, Aldrin, I'm not as laid back as people think. Now here's the deal: I'm going to play, and you're going to float there and like it. [sings] When you're down, and troubled, And you need a helping hand, And nothing, oh, nothing is going right...

— Strangely apt choice of lyrics, "Deep Space Homer"

Race: Oh my God, the ants are shorting out our navigation systems! [the astronauts smack back and forth into the walls] Taylor: Ants, huh? We had quite a severe ant problem at the vineyard this year. I had Art Garfunkel come by with his compressor, and we created a total vacuum outside the house, and we blew the ants out the front door. But I'm sure you high-tech NASA people could care less about our resort-town ways. Assistant: [menacing] Quiet, you -- Scientist: Wait a minute...this unkempt youngster might just be on to something.

— Unkempt? Young? Naah, "Deep Space Homer"

Buzz: Homer, you broke the handle. Race: With that hatch open, we'll burn up on re-entry! That's it: if I go, I'm taking you to hell with me. Homer: Wait a minute, Race. Wait a minute...wait! [breaks off a support rod] Aha! Now I'll bust that pretty face of yours! [tries to swing it, but it catches in the door] Aw, stupid bar. Buzz: Wait, Homer. If that bar holds, we just might make it back to earth. Homer: Oh. [voice rising] I'll bash you good!

— One-track minds, "Deep Space Homer"

Well, this reporter was...possibly a little hasty earlier and would like to...reaffirm his allegiance to this country and its human president. May not be perfect, but it's still the best government we have. For now. [notices "HAIL ANTS" sign taped up, tears it down] Oh, yes, by the way, the spacecraft still in extreme danger, may not make it back, attempting risky reentry, bla bla bla bla bla bla. We'll see you after the movie.

— Kent Brockman, backpedaling furiously, "Deep Space Homer"

Lisa: Come on, Dad. You can make it! Abe: Aw, of course he'll make it. It's TV.

— Metahumor, "Deep Space Homer"

Tom: Uh, how'd you solve the door dilemma? Buzz: Homer Simpson was the real hero here. He jury-rigged the door closed using this. Man 1: Hey, what is that? Man 2: It's an inanimate carbon rod! Everyone: Yay! [Time magazine cover: "In Rod We Trust"]

— Rod Flanders? Nope, "Deep Space Homer"

[Homer shuts off the TV] Bart: Aw, they were just about to show some close-ups of the rod! Homer: Oh, stupid rod! I got gypped. Marge: Oh, Homey, you should be proud! Only a handful of people have done what you've done. Lisa: Yeah, Dad! How many people have seen the icecaps and the deserts all at once, or the majesty of the Northern Lights from one hundred miles above? Homer: Yeah, maybe I do have the right...what's that stuff?

— Uh, stuff?, "Deep Space Homer"

Bart: [sly] Hey Dad, sell you these for fifty bucks... Homer: Woo hoo! Sold. [gives Bart money] [Bart runs off] Marge: [tired] Those aren't tickets to the game, Homer. Homer: What do you mean? It says right here: "Free wig with every purchase of large wig. Downtown Wig Center". Why you little -- hmm, free wig... [imagines looking at himself wearing a Marge wig] [falsetto] I love you, Homey. Mmm.. [normal voice] Heh heh, I don't need her at all any more.

— The power of fantasy, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Homer: Heh heh heh, I did it! Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work. Man: With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper. Homer: In theory, yes. [sotto voce] Jerk.

— Marginal productivity of labor., "Homer Loves Flanders"

Man: Give me, er, 30,000 tickets. Woman: That'll be $950,000 please. Man: Look, the thing about that is, I only got $10 on me. Can I pay you the rest later? Woman: Sure.

— Gee, you think he's scamming you?, "Homer Loves Flanders"

[sound of Bobby McFerrin song finishing] Marty: That was Bobby McFerrin's new one, "I'm Worried (Need Money)". If you want tickets to the big Pigskin Classic [oinking noise] just get to a phone and be our thirteenth caller. Homer: Get tickets. Must get tickets! Find phone. Yes! [arrives at work behind a line of cars] Ho ho, stupid sheep. [drives the wrong way through the gate, bursts all his tires] Marty: Still waiting for that caller... Homer: [runs in whimpering, grabs phone] Marty: Oh, we have a winner! What's your name, sir? Ned: Ned Flanders! Homer: Oh, not Flanders, anybody but Flanders -- Ned: Well, golly, if that doesn't put the "shaz" in "shazam." Oh, listen: what's the cash value of those tickets so I can report it on my income tax?

— Goody two-shoes Ned, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Homer: Why am I such a loser? Why? Bart: Well, your father was a loser, and _his_ father, and his father...it's genetic, man. [realizes] D'oh!

— That's not the only genetic thing, either, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Lisa: What's so special about this game anyway? It's just another chapter in the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall. Homer: Heh heh heh. Yeah, they swore they'd get us back by spiking our water supply. But they didn't have the guts. Marge: [drinks tap water, sees the walls start to run] Ooooh. The walls are melting again. [giggles] Chicken: [getting out of the oven] Personally, I think I'm overdone. [flies away]

— Drugs and cooking don't mix, "Homer Loves Flanders"

Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. [doorbell rings] Ned: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick -- Homer: [slams the door] Why do you mock me, O Lord? Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. [Marge scrapes it off into Homer's hands] Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.

— No waffle too sacred, "Homer Loves Flanders"

[Homer rings Ned's doorbell] Marge: [calling from window] Homer? Homer: Huh? Marge: Are you planning to hit Ned Flanders with that pipe and take his tickets? Homer: Ye -- no... Ned: [answers door] Huh? [Homer winds up] Homer: Oh. [winds down] Flanders, I decided I'd like to go to the game with you. Ned: Well, get out the Crayloas and color me "Tickled Pink". Ooh, what's with the lead pipe, were you going to give my noggin a flogging? Homer: [sheepish] Well, yeah. [both chuckle]

— Ned, the good sport, "Homer Loves Flanders"