Movie Trivia

Gladys: "... and that has made all the difference." Now let's get down to business. [Hutz's voice on the tape] To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000. Marge: MR. HUTZ! Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would!

— It worked in Kamp Krusty, "Selma's Choice"

Gladys: To Marge, I leave my potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here -- Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right down to Jay Leno. These chips were my children, Marjorie -- take special care of them. [Homer eats said chips] Homer: [looking at them] Uh oh. [continues to eat]

— Bunker Hill was a worthless battle anyway, "Selma's Choice"

Gladys: To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet Iguana, Jub-Jub. Jackie: Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?

— "Selma's Choice"

Selma: Aunt Gladys was right. There's something missing in our lives. Patty: Don't worry. We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow.

— "Selma's Choice"

Back to the loch with you, Nessie!

— Groundskeeper Willy watches a date tape of Selma, "Selma's Choice"

Opal: [Gypsy accent] One drop of this love potion, and you will have any man you desire. [puts a drop on her tongue] Selma: What are the magical ingredients? Opal: [Brooklyn voice] Oh, mostly corn syrup, a little rubbing alcohol. You'll be lucky if it doesn't make your hair fall out actually. [looks at the bottle: "TRUTH SERUM"] Aagh!

— A mistake anyone could make, "Selma's Choice"

Kid: Paper or plastic? Selma: You decide. [looks down] So, wearing a belt, are you? Kid: Uh-huh. Selma: No suspenders for you. Kid: [pauses] I guess not. Selma: Orange is really your color. Kid: They make us wear this. Selma: Shall we continue this conversation over dinner? Kid: Uh -- I'm not allowed to date customers. It's store policy. Arnold: No, it isn't. Kid: [kicks him in the shin, whispering] Shut up! Arnold: No, go for it, man!

— Yeah, right!, "Selma's Choice"

Selma: Wait a minute. It says here you're single. Hans: Did I do wrong?

— You sure did, "Selma's Choice"

Selma: Get out of my car. [drives off] Hans: This isn't my house.

— Selma ends a date, "Selma's Choice"

Anncr: Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a problem anymore. Now featuring the clean-shaven sound of "Hooray for Everything"! [A large auditorium with the gang in a beer-bottle construct.] All: Hey, kids. Take a walk on the wild side! Boy: And all the races sing... All: Shoo-be-doo, shooby-dooby-doo, shoo-be-do, shooby-dooby-doo, yeah!

— Clean-shaven sounds, indeed, "Selma's Choice"

Bart: Can we go to Duff Gardens this weekend? Homer: Sure. Unless another aunt dies.

— "Selma's Choice"

Marge: Selma! You're back from your date already? Selma: Yeah. I was so upset I ate a jar of expired olives. [sighs] I guess I'll never have a baby. Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may seem a little presumptious, but have you ever considered artificial insemination? Homer: [laughs] I don't know. You gotta be pretty lame to make it with a robot. [Marge whispers in his ear] I knew that.

— Making it with sperm in a cup, "Selma's Choice"

Selma: How do I know I'm getting quality? Doctor: Don't worry. Our donors have to pass a rigourous screening process. [Barney walks in a nurse's desk holding a cup] Barney: All done! Nurse: Thank you, sir. Barney: Always a pleasure. [looks at a baby] What a beautiful little girl. [the baby burps like Barney]

— Except for that guy, "Selma's Choice"

Marge: "101 Frozen Pops." [turns the page] A Nobel Prize Winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh, one of the Sweathogs. Selma: I checked. It's not Horshack.

— Not Horshack? Get outta here, "Selma's Choice"

Selma: Sorry, my mind's made up. Patty: Why do you want to have a baby so bad? Selma: I got a lot of love to give, and right now my only outlet is my ham radio. Radio: [speaking foreign language] I have a ham radio. Marge: Are you sure about this? A baby can really change your life. Patty: You'll have to give up smoking. Selma: I'll chew. Patty: No man will ever want you. Selma: All I got now is sperm in a cup. Marge: Mmm. Patty: Mmm. Marge: Mmm. Patty: Mmm. Marge: Mmm. Patty: Mmm.

— She's got a point there, "Selma's Choice"

[Bart and Lisa talk simultaneously] [Bart pulls back the covers] [Homer looks grotesquely sick] Bart: Oh, man, Dad's dead.

— Can we still go to Duff Gardens?, "Selma's Choice"

Carl: We hardly made a dent in that ten-foot hoagie. Homer: I'll give it a good home. [flash to Homer in front of the TV, eating the sandwich.] Marge: You've been eating that sandwich for over a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn. Homer: Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge. [flash to Marge walking up to Homer with a sandwich-looking thingamabob.] Marge: Homer, I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it away. Homer: Suggestion noted. [when Marge leaves, Homer chows down]

— Mmm, botulism, "Selma's Choice"

Homer: Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment. Marge: Are you going to eat it? Homer: [pause] Yes.

— Honesty is the best policy, "Selma's Choice"

Marge: You look awful! Homer: I don't care. I'm going to Duff Gardens! [his face quivers and he drops to the floor, crawling away]

— A man with a mission, "Selma's Choice"

Homer: S-s-ssoo coolld... Marge: Homey, your lips are turning blue. I think you'd better stay home. Homer: No! Duff Gardens, hurraaahhh... [faints on the car horn]

— That's what you get for eating months-old hoagies, "Selma's Choice"

Marge: I want to thank you for taking care of the kids on such short notice. Selma: We'll have fun, won't we kids? Bart: To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself. Selma: That's the spirit.

— "Selma's Choice"

Lisa: Bye, Dad, don't eat any solids. Homer: But I love solids.

— They're so sweet and tasty, "Selma's Choice"

Bart: It won't be any fun without you, Dad. [the car shoves off] Bart+Lisa: YAY!

— The kids head to Duff Gardens, "Selma's Choice"

Lisa: [reading from the pamphlet] The Duff Beer-amid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. Twenty-two immigrant laborers died during its construction. Selma: Eh, there's plenty more where that came from.

— Selma, anti-immigrant, "Selma's Choice"

Lisa: Look! The Seven Duffs! Bart: There's Tipsy and Queasy... Lisa: There's Surly and Remorseful... [Surly pushes Remorseful aside] [a kid takes a picture of Surly] Surly: Take a picture, it'll last longer. Get outta here. [the kid runs off]

— Truly in character, "Selma's Choice"

Lincoln: Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed a refreshing drink from hops and barley. [drinks his Duff and starts beatboxing] We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say, if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down! [crushes a beer can on his head] Lisa: This is a disgrace. Selma: Hey, if it's this bad, it has to be educational.

— I sincerely doubt it, "Selma's Choice"

{What are the odds to getting sick on a Saturday? A thousand to one.}

— Homer, "Selma's Choice"

Bart: [reading] "BEER GOGGLES: See life through the eyes of a drunk." [puts them on] [Selma becomes a foxy lady] Selma: You're charming the pants off of me. Bart: [removing glasses] What did you say, Aunt Selma? Selma: I said take off those damn glasses!

— At Duff Gardens, "Selma's Choice"

Marge: Homer, you've cooled down! Homer: That's what you think! Rrowr! [grabs Marge]

— Feeling hot, "Selma's Choice"

Marge: [laughs] You know, I rented another movie, in case you felt better. [hands it to him] Homer: "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules". Marge: With Norman Fell as Zeus. Homer: Woo-hoo!

— "Selma's Choice"

Bart: I want to get off. Selma: You _can't_ get off, we have five more continents to visit.

— The kids and Selma ride "Little Land of Duff", "Selma's Choice"

I can see the music!

— Lisa after getting whacked up on "water", "Selma's Choice"

Selma: Surly, can't you do something. Surly: Ey, Surly only looks out for one guy -- Surly. Selma: Hm, sorry, Surly. Surly: Shut up!

— Don't mess with Surly, "Selma's Choice"

Don't blame these kids, it's not their fault. I think their father's missing a chromosome.

— Selma blames the Duff Gardens incident on Homer, "Selma's Choice"

Officer 2: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium. [Lisa, heaping jittery, covered by a towl] Lisa: [raises her arms] I am the Lizard Queen!

— Lisa whacked out on wowee sauce, "Selma's Choice"

Selma: Thank you, doctor. Doctor: Oh, I'm not a doctor.

— But I play one on TV!, "Selma's Choice"

Homercles: Come to Homercles! Marge: [laughs] I can't! The beans will burn! Homercles: Homercles cares not for beans! [lifts up Marge on her shoulder]

— Wow, he's in for some lovin', "Selma's Choice"

Homer: Hi, kids, how was Duff Gardens? Lisa: Can't talk, coming down. [takes some pills]

— Lisa under psychedelia, "Selma's Choice"

Selma: How do you do it, Homer? Homer: You take an ordinary bedsheet, fold it around like th-- Selma: No, I mean raising kids! I just couldn't cut it today. All I wanted was a little version of me I could hold in my arms.

— Then hold a snake, "Selma's Choice"

Selma: Oh, Jub-Jub. Patty: When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.

— Close enough, "Selma's Choice"

Oh, baby, what you've done to me You made me feel so good inside Now I just wanna be close to you You made me feel so right 'Cause you make me feel You make me feel You make me feel Like a natural woman

We got a great show for ya! Well, actually, the last half hour is a real garbage dump.

— Krusty the Clown hosts "Tuesday Night Live", "Brother from the Same Planet"

Homer: Bart's not mad at me. Marge: He called you a bad father. Homer: Marge, when kids these days say `bad', they mean `good'. And to `shake your booty' means to wiggle one's butt. Permit me to demonstrate.

— So hot, it's cool, "Brother from the Same Planet"

Marge: Homer, do you have an explanation for this bill? Homer: Oh, it's that record club. The first nine were only a penny. Then they jacked up the price! [breaks down crying] It's not fair! It's not fair, I tells ya!

— "Brother from the Same Planet"

Marge: Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa? Lisa: I did! [begin flashback. Homer watches television, Lisa stands in front.] Lisa: Dad, can I... Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

— A wink is as good as a nod, "Brother from the Same Planet"

Dealer: Nineteen. Homer: Hit me. Dealer: [deals another card] Twenty. Homer: Hit me. Dealer: [deals another card] Twenty-one. Homer: Hit me. Dealer: [deals another card] Twenty-two. Homer: D'oh!

— Know when to say when, "Brother from the Same Planet"

Hi, you've reached the Corey hot-line. $4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Gory. Story. Allegory. Montessori.

— "Brother from the Same Planet"

Bart: Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neuro-disruptor. [Bart aims it and fires it at Martin, who convulses and collapses. The other kids applaud politely.] Ms.K: He's not dead, is he, Bart? Bart: Naah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for a while. Ms.K: Very good, Bart. Thank you. Bart: Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.

— "Brother from the Same Planet"

Hi, this is Corey. Hope you and I can get married someday.

— Call 1-900-555-CORY, "Brother from the Same Planet"

Homer: Hey, boy. Where ya goin'? Bart: Father-son picnic. [leaves] Homer: Have a good time! ... Wait a minute...

— "Brother from the Same Planet"

Tom: Hey, look at the forest fire down there. Bart: [uninterested] Yeah, great.

— "Brother from the Same Planet"

Bart: You've been really great to me, but there's probably some other kid who needs you even more. Tom: Bart, I could kiss you. If the "Bigger Brothers" didn't make me sign a form promising I wouldn't.

— Living in the age of cooties, "Brother from the Same Planet"

Administrator: And what are your reasons for wanting a Little Brother? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge! Don't say revenge! Homer's mouth: Uh, revenge? Homer's brain: That's it, I'm gettin' outta here. [footsteps, and a door slam]

— "Brother from the Same Planet"

Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit any more!

— Principal Skinner gets weird again, "Brother from the Same Planet"

Homer: Son, I just want you to know I love you very much. Bart: [shoves a half grapefruit in Homer's face] Shut up! [end of flashback] Homer: Mmmmmm... grapefruit.

— "Brother from the Same Planet"

Pepe: Tell me more! I want to know <all> the constellations. Homer: Well, there's... Jerry the Cowboy. And that big dipper looking thing is Alan... the Cowboy.

— "Brother from the Same Planet"

Pepe: Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learn\`ed. Homer: Heh heh heh. `Learn'd', son. It's pronounced `learn'd'.

— "Brother from the Same Planet"

Pepe: I love you, Papa Homer. Homer: I love you, too, Pepsi. Pepe: Pepe. Homer: Pepe.

— The Pepe challenge, "Brother from the Same Planet"

You're not the <only> one who can abuse a non-profit organization!

— Homer, "Brother from the Same Planet"

Homer: Remember when I used to push you on the swing? Bart: I was faking it. Homer: Gasp! Liar! Bart: Oh yeah? Remember this? "Higher, Dad! Higher! Whee!"

— "Brother from the Same Planet"

This just in. A fistfight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Early reports indicate, and this is very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. [inset of Godzilla] [to off-camera aide] Do we have a source on this? ... Uh huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. ... All right, I could use some names. I. P. Freeley.

— Kent Brockman's breaking news story, "Brother from the Same Planet"

Another beer, Dad?

— Bart, "Brother from the Same Planet"

Bart: Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed "I'm a hemophiliac" and when he let you go, you kicked him in the back? Homer: Heh heh heh. Yeah. Bart: Could you teach me how to do that?

— "Brother from the Same Planet"

Marge: And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day. [serves Homer breakfast of eggs and bacon, spelling out "I love you"] Homer: [thinking] Special day!? Oh, what have I forgot now? Now don't panic. Is it Bacon Day? No, that's crazy-talk. Marge: [smile gradually fades from her radiant visage] Homer: [thinking] She's getting impatient! Take a stab at it! [aloud] Happy... Valentine's Day... Marge: [rubbing his head] (*squeak*) (*squeak*) Aw, thank you, dear. Homer: [in celebration] Woo-hoo!

— Not Bacon Day, <Eggs> and Bacon Day, "I Love Lisa"

If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost.

— Apu thinks to himself, "I Love Lisa"

Apu: Nickel off on expired baby food. Homer: Sold!

— Think of the money he's saving, "I Love Lisa"

Ms. Hoover: First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the valentines. Lisa: Isn't that just pointless busy-work? Ms. Hoover: [taps her nose] Bull's-eye. Get cracking.

— Crack the bull-whip? "I Love Lisa"

Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors. Class: [giggles and snickers] Ms. Hoover: The children are right to laugh, Ralph. These scissors couldn't cut butter. [demonstrates on her arm]

— All the better to slice you to pieces with, "I Love Lisa"

Attention everyone, this is Principal Skinner. Some student (possibly Bart Simpson) has been circulating candy hearts with crude off-color sentiments.

— What can I say, I've got a weakness for the classics, "I Love Lisa"

Cool, I broke his brain!

— Bart, "I Love Lisa"

Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder Heh.

— Ralph, "I Love Lisa"

... and my doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose-bleeds if I kept my finger out of there.

— Thank you Ralph, very graphic, "I Love Lisa"

Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel wacked out on wowie-sauce!

— Krusty, "I Love Lisa"

Bart: I'd do anything to go to that show! Homer: I'd sell my first-born son! Bart: Hey! Homer: You'll do as you're told!

— And if he doesn't, you can always exchange him (again), "I Love Lisa"

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

— Homer, "I Love Lisa"

Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested? Marge: Well, honey, when I... Homer: [puts up a hand] Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. [enumerating them on his fingers] "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I don't speak English." Lisa: I get the idea. Homer: [not getting the hint] "I'm married to the sea." "I don't wanna kill you, but I will." ...

— What? And break the code of the schoolyard? "I Love Lisa"

Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.

— Homer's advice to Lisa on how to dissuade a suitor, "I Love Lisa"

Let that be a lesson to the rest of you nuts!

— Chief Wiggum addresses a bowl of walnuts, "I Love Lisa"

That's funny for so many reasons.

— Bart, "I Love Lisa"

Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush?

— Homer, "I Love Lisa"

Lisa: Just make up some excuse! [running to hide] Homer: [answering the door] She's in the can. Go away.

— "I Love Lisa"

Since boyhood, I have yearned to be on the one-dollar bill...

— Auditions for the part of George Washington, "I Love Lisa"

I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home-Pregnancy Test!

— Bart plans ahead, "I Love Lisa"

Lisa: I'm not sure if I <should> go. I don't even like him. Bart: You're right, Lis, you shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. <I'll> go, disguised as you. Lisa: But what if he wants to hold hands? Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. Lisa: What if he wants to kiss? Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. Lisa: What if... Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

— The things people will do for love, "I Love Lisa"

Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like? Homer: Sure it is, honey. You <do> mean stealing, don't you?

— Haven't we gone through this before? "I Love Lisa"

Lisa: My conscience is bothering me. Homer: Your conscience!? Lisa, don't let that pushy little weenie tell you what to do. [a tiny Homer-angel appears] Homer's conscience: Homer, that's a terrible thing to say. Homer: Aw, shut up! Homer's conscience: [meekly] Yes, sir. (*poof*)

— "I Love Lisa"

Ah, nothing beats a good porno movie.

— Chief Wiggum, "I Love Lisa"

Lisa: That story isn't suitable for children. Chief Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in this version.

— "I Love Lisa"

Hey, Mr. President! I campaigned for the other guy, but I voted for you!

— Krusty, "I Love Lisa"

Now, for my favorite part of the show. ... [squinting] What's that say?

— Krusty, "I Love Lisa"

Homer: You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops! Chief Wiggum: [suddenly afraid] They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date?

— "I Love Lisa"

Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and <picking up after yourselves>.

— Principal Skinner's warm welcome (hint hint), "I Love Lisa"

We are the mediocre presidents. You won't find our faces on dollars or on cents! There's Taylor, there's Tyler, there's Fillmore and there's Hayes. There's William Henry Harrison, "I died in thirty days!" We... are... the... adequate, forgettable, occasionally regrettable Caretaker presidents of the U-S-A!

— President's Day Pageant, "I Love Lisa"

Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?

— Miss Hoover gives Bart a scolding, "I Love Lisa"

You have one line, and then you're shot.

— Miss Hoover coaches Milhouse on his r\^ole as Abraham Lincoln, "I Love Lisa"

Hasta la vista, Abey.

— Bart Simpson plays John Wilkes Booth (the Assassinator), "I Love Lisa"

C'mon, boy! Finish him off!

— Homer roots for John Wilkes Booth, "I Love Lisa"

Principal Skinner: And now, our evening comes to an end... Homer: [stands up] Woo-hoo! Principal Skinner: ... with a thorough re-telling of the life of George Washington. Homer: [o.s.] D'oh!

— "I Love Lisa"

Kerny: To the library! Jimbo: Yeah!

— "I Love Lisa"

Attention all units! Riot in progress at (*click*)

— Chief Wiggum turns a deaf ear, "I Love Lisa"

For a school with no Asian kids I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.

— Principal Skinner, "Duffless"

I'm disrupting the learning process, and I love it!

— Skinner loves Bart's "Go-Go Ray", "Duffless"

Lisa: [echoic from Bart's dream] First prize! First prize! First prize! Bart: Why are you saying that? Lisa: Just screwing with your mind. [Laughs and runs off]

— Sibling rivalry, "Duffless"

Marge: [making up a batch of pancakes] Homer, I want you to encourage Lisa with her science fair project. Homer: [pouring syrup on a newly minted stack of pancakes] Yeah, syrup is better than jelly.

— Homer's own science project, "Duffless"

Lisa: [showing off a tomato the size of a beach ball] I've grown a futuristic tomato by fertilizing it with anabolic steroids. Bart: The kind that help our Olympic athletes reach new peaks of excellence? Lisa: The very same.

— "Duffless"

Homer: Well, time to go to work. Homer's brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour. Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan. Homer's brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing. [camera pans down to Homer's mouth, but he doesn't say anything] Well, off to the plant. Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery. Homer's brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it? Homer: [panicky] I've got to think of a lie fast! Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery? Homer: Aah! [Runs off]

— Brain before mouth?, "Duffless"

Hey! That looks like Princess Di. [drives forward a few feet. Homer slams into the ground just behind the car] Aw, wait, it's just a pile of rags.

— Barney, "Duffless"

Lisa: Oh Bart, I forgot my math book. Could you hold this for me, please? Bart: [Curly-esque] Why, <sointantly>! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. [takes the tomato from Lisa] Skinner: [walks past Bart, then stops] Whoops! Shoe's untied. [bends over to tie it] Over, under, in and out, that's what shoe tying's all about.

— "Duffless"

Guide: Welcome to the Duff Brewery. Well, I'm sure that all of you have heard the rumors that a batch of Duff was contaminated with strychnine. Tourists: No. Strychnine? That's news to me. Guide: Are you sure? Everyone's talking about it; it was even on CNN last night. Tourists: CNN? Whoah. Guide: [dismissing] Well, it's not true.

— Take my word for it, "Duffless"

Doctor: Only Duff fills your "Q zone" with pure beer goodness. [the letters G-O-O-D-N-E-S-S tumble down into the "stomach."] [the commercial cuts to a shot of the doctor] So drink up -- and up -- and up! [the cartoon doctor literally takes off, like a rocket] Announcer: Duff Brewery -- proud sponsors of Amos and Andy!

— A Duff Beer commercial from the 1950's, "Duffless"

Nixon: Well I would suggest, Mr. Vancouver, that if you knew the President that, that was just a facetious remark. Announcer: And now a word from our sponsor. Kennedy: I would like to take this opportunity to announce my fondness for, ah, Duff Beer. [audience cheers] Nixon: I'd also like to express, er, <my> fondness for that particular beer. [audience grumbles]

— A Duff Beer commercial from 1960, "Duffless"

The man never drank a Duff in his life.

— Homer watches the Duff Beer commercial from 1960 featuring Nixon, "Duffless"

Here we have, Duff, Duff Light, and our newest flavor, Duff Dry. [camera pulls back to reveal that all three vats are fed by a common pipe]

— The Duff Brewery tour guide, "Duffless"

Guide: What does the future hold for us? Heh. Let's just say we have a few ideas up our sleeve. Homer: Like what? Guide: Um, I'd rather not get into it right now. Homer: Why not? Guide: All right, we don't have any ideas for the future. We got nothing. Happy? Homer: [whiny] No.

— So much for innovation, "Duffless"

Lisa: [laughs wickedly] Marge: What's so funny? Lisa: Oh, uh ... I was just thinking of a joke I saw on Herman's Head. [laughs nervously]

— A _funny_ joke?, "Duffless"

Homer: {Mmmmm, Gummi Beers.} [eats one] Hey, Barney, I think you've had enough. Barney: [lying on a bench under one of the beer taps] Are you crazy? We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Duff, ohhh. [passes out]

— Mmmm, toothpastey beer, "Duffless"

Homer: Barney, give me your keys. You're too drunk to drive. Barney: I'm fine. Homer: OK, you leave me no option. [punches Barney] Barney: Ow! What was that for? Homer: I'm trying to knock you out. [tries a little harder -- with a tire iron] Barney: Ow! Cut it out. [Homer tries slamming Barney's head in the car door] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! All right, here, take the keys. [hands Homer the keys]

— A head of stone, "Duffless"

Homer: [standing on one foot and singing "The Alphabet Song"] W, X, Y, and Z. Now I know my ABCs, won't you come and play with me. Eddie: Flawless. Lou: We also would have accepted, "tell me what you think of me." Eddie: Well, I guess your free to... Barney: Give him the breathalyzer! Homer: Huh? [Eddie sticks it in Homer's mouth. It beeps] Lou: You're under arrest! Homer: D'oh!

— What if that thing's broken...?, "Duffless"

Marge: Hello? Wiggum: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA. Marge: Oh, my God! He's dead? Wiggum: Oh, wait. I mean DWI. Heh, heh, heh. I always get those two mixed up. [hangs up phone] [at that moment, a lady arrives at the police station] Woman: My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband's DWI. Wiggum: [stalling] Uhhhh, why don't you talk to that officer over there. I'm going out to lunch.

— Bad cops, bad cops, "Duffless"

[to Homer, in jail] Hutz: Don't worry, Homer, I've got a foolproof strategy to get you out of here -- surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him. [camera pulls back to reveal Hutz is in the cell next to Homer] Cop: [bangs bars with nightstick] Pipe down in there, Hutz.

— Couldn't we go for in forma pauperis?, "Duffless"

Judge: Your license is hereby revoked, and I'd like you to attend traffic school and two months of Alc-Anon meetings. Homer: Your honor, I'd like that stricken from the record. Judge: No.

— Speedy trials, "Duffless"

Lisa: I want the most intelligent hamster you've got. Clerk: OK. [reaches into a box of hamsters under the counter and randomly selects one] Uh, this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J. D. McGregor. Lisa: How can a hamster write mysteries? Clerk: Well, he gets the ending first, then he writes backward. Lisa: Aw, C'mon. Clerk: Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him, all right?

— Lisa gets a hamster for her project, "Duffless"

Lisa: [writing] I propose to determine the answer to the question: is my brother dumber than a hamster? Bart: Hey Lis, look what I can do! [inserts fist into mouth, but discovers he can't retract it] Mmmph -- doggone it.

— Are you sure you don't already know?, "Duffless"

Stupid books -- hey, a cupcake!

— Bart passes by the bookcase, "Duffless"

The hamster has learned a valuable lesson: beware the hand of man.

— Lisa's science project, "Duffless"

Wiggum: Now if any of you ever <think> of drinking and driving again, this film will scare the pants off of you. {[shows movie, but it's of Wiggum in Speedos, in a kiddie pool]} Woman: {Aaah!} Wiggum: {Guys, guys, this is the wrong movie.}

— "Duffless"

[downcast] What a terrible waste. [perks up] Hi! I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such driver's ed films as "Alice's Adventures through the Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot." For the next sixty minutes, we'll be seeing actual film of car crash victims.

— Troy McClure introduces himself, "Duffless"

Here's an appealing fellow -- in fact, they're a-peeling him off the sidewalk.

— McClure narrates a driver's ed film, "Duffless"

It's funny 'cause I don't know him.

— Homer watches footage of actual car crash victims, "Duffless"

Homer: I'm here for the Alc-Anon meeting. Lovejoy: Mm-hm. Third door on your left. [Jasper walks up] Coping with senility? Jasper: [gruff] No. I'm here for Microwave Cookery. No, wait. Coping with senility.

— At the Community Center, "Duffless"

Ned: My name is Ned. All: Hello, Ned! Ned: It's been 4,000 days since my last drink. It was my first -- and last -- blackberry schnapps. [flashback of Ned and Maude in bed] Maude: Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today? Ned: [climbing into bed] Ann Landers is a boring old biddy! Maude: [gasps] Ned! [back to reality (BTR)] Ned: [sobbing] I was more animal than man!

— Ned Flanders at the Alc-Anon, "Duffless"

My name is Otto, I looove to get blotto.

— Otto introduces himself at the Alc-Anon meeting, "Duffless"

My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!

— Hans Moleman introduces himself at the Alc-Anon meeting, "Duffless"

My name is Homer, and I'm just here because the courts made me come.

— Homer introduces himself at the Alc-Anon meeting, "Duffless"

Lovejoy: Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again. Homer: Aaah! [jumps out the window]

— The Alc-Anon meeting, "Duffless"

Homer: ...so they say I might have a problem. [finishes brushing his teeth, and polishes off a bottle of that wonderful Duff] Marge: [reading from a pamphlet entitled, "Is Your Spouse a Souse?"] Homey, do you ever drink alone? Homer: Does the Lord count as a person? Marge: No. Homer: Then yes. Marge: Do you need a beer to fall asleep? Homer: Thank you, that'd be nice. Marge: Do you ever hide beer around the house? Homer: Do I ever! [fetches a beer from its hiding place in the toilet tank, and takes a swig] Ahhhh. Marge: Do you ever drink to escape from reality. Homer: [looks in the mirror and imagines himself as a big muscular guy] [to "Can-Can"] Duhh, duh duh duh duh duuh duuh, duh duh duh duh duuh duuh, duh duh duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh... Marge: Homey, I'd like you to do something for me. Homer: You name it. Marge: I want you to give up beer for a month. Homer: You got it. No deer for a month. Marge: Did you say beer, or deer? Homer: .... Deer. Marge: Please, Homey, I know you can do this. Homer: All right, starting tomorrow no beer for a month. [puts the light out. We can hear the sound of a can popping open] Marge: What was that noise? Homer: I was saying, "Psssst, I love you."

— "Duffless"

Homer: Well beer, we've had some great times... [singing to "It was a Very Good Year"] When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake ID My name was Brian McGee I stayed up listening to Queen When I was 17.

— "Duffless"

Lisa: [Frantically looks for it] Oh, oh! Bart: Looking for something? [petting the hamster] Lisa: What have you done with my report? [goes to look for it] Bart: I've hidden it. To find it, you'll need to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish -- Lisa: [finds it] Got it! Bart: D'oh!

— Great plan, Bart, "Duffless"

Milhouse: Behold gravity in all its glory! [pushes a Slinky down an inclined 2-by-4. It goes one step, then stops] Edna: Pretty lame, Milhouse.

— Milhouse's science project, "Duffless"

Chuck: {Can I touch it?} Dad: {I've worked too long and hard on this for you to screw it up now.} Chuck: {But it's got my name on it.} Dad: {Just stand over there! [kid walks off screen] Over there!}

— You can't enjoy it on as many levels as I can, "Duffless"

Martin: {Behold the flying machine that will car me, Phineas Fogg, around the world in eighty days.} Nelson: {[shoots Martin's balloon] Dang! I was aiming for his head.}

— Martin Prince's science project, "Duffless"

Marge: I don't know if I like you experimenting on your brother. Lisa: Please, mother, its purely in the interests of science. [thinking] That'll learn him to bust my tomater.

— Revenge is a dish best served cold a la gazpacho, "Duffless"

Step right up, folks! We'll answer the question that's been plaguing scientists for ages: Can hamsters fly planes?

— Bart's science project, "The Simpsons"

Every good scientist is half B. F. Skinner and half P. T. Barnum.

— Principal Skinner, on Bart's project, "Duffless"

Women: Down with sexism! Down with sexism! Man 1: Look at all those feminists. Man 2: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? [they both reach for bottles of beer, shake them up, and spray the foam on the protesters. This magically turns them into bikini-clad party animals. (Kids, don't try that at home.)] Both Men: Yeah! Yes! All right!

— A Duff Beer commercial, "Duffless"

TV, have you turned on me, too?

— Homer, "Duffless"

Announcer: ...the windup and a 2-2 pitch. Oh, no, wait a minute, the batter is calling for time. Looks like he's going to get himself a new bat. And now there's a beach ball on the field, and the balls boys are discussing which one of them's going to go get it. Homer: [only one not drinking] I never realized how boring this game is.

— A rude awakening, "Duffless"

Patty: {Thank you all for coming. We've got some very interesting new developments in the field of Supperware.} Selma: {Uh, huh. This is the 128-ounce tub. You can fit your whole head in it. [demonstrates and looks at Jub-Jub] Don't be scared Jub-jub; it's momma.} Homer: {[sotto voce] I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.}

— "Duffless"

Lovejoy: So Homer, pleas feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here. Homer: The other day I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers. Lovejoy: I cast thee out!

— You remember Matthew 21:17, "Duffless"

Homer: Thirty days. Marge: I'm proud of you, Homey. Homer: Marge, I'm going to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm coming back loaded. [kisses Marge good-bye]

— "Duffless"

Marge: Mmmm. You don't have to start drinking right away. I waas thinking we could go for a bike ride. Homer: But Marge, the barflies are expecting me. Larry, and Barney, and that guy who calls me Bill. Marge: But you look better, you don't sweat when you eat any more, and look -- [holds up a wad of cash] you've saved more than a hundred dollars. I found it in your pants. Homer: [snatches money] Yoink! Marge: Mmmm.

— "Duffless"

Moe: Well, well. Look who it is, Mr. "I Don't Need Alky-hol to Enjoy Life." We hate him, right fellas? Barflies: [grumble] Homer: Moe, give me a beer. Moe: Hey everybody, Homer's back. Barflies: [grumbles]

— Who cares?, "Duffless"

Moe: C'mon, Homer, do it for your old pal Moesy. Barney: But Moe, yesterday you called Homer a worthless sack of -- Moe: [strikes Barney] Pipe down, rub-a-dub!

— Moe pushes Homer to get back to alkyholism, "Duffless"

Homer: [setting the glass on the bar] Put it in the fridge Moe, I got a date with my wife. Moe: You'll be back! [points at various customers] And so will you. And you. [points at camera] And you. [he points at Barney] Barney: Of course I'll be back. If you didn't close, I'd never leave.

— Moe fails to get Homer back to alkyholism, "Duffless"

(instrumental continues for ~10 seconds) It won't be long before happiness steps up to greet me . . . Raindrops keep falling on my head But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red Crying's not for me, 'cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining Because I'm free, nothing's worrying me.

Benefits? Perqs? A green cookie on Saint Patrick's Day?

— Monty Burns reads the proposed union contract, "Last Exit to Springfield"

You can't treat the working man this way. One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!

— The beginning of the end, "Last Exit to Springfield"

If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

— Monty Burns, "Last Exit to Springfield"

Bart: Dr. Wolfe likes to pull kids' teeth so he can sell 'em. Kid: To who? Bart: Know that rattle when you shake up a can of spray paint? That's a kid's teeth!

— "Last Exit to Springfield"

Dr. Wolfe: Maggie's teeth are coming in rather crooked. Has she been sucking on a pacifier? Marge: Errrrrmmmmm... Not to my knowledge.

— "Last Exit to Springfield"

Dr. Wolfe: I'm also afraid little Lisa is going to need braces. Lisa: Oh no! I'll be socially unpopular! ... More so!

— "Last Exit to Springfield"

Carl: What do we want? All: More equitable treatment at the hands of management! Carl: When do we want it? All: Soon!

— "Last Exit to Springfield"

Then I got <this> scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.

— Homer, "Last Exit to Springfield"

Carl: Welcome, brothers of Local 643. As you know, our president, Chuckie Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We're all prayin' he'll turn up soon, alive and well. All: [laugh] Carl: All right, all right. But seriously.

— "Last Exit to Springfield"

Lenny: So long, dental plan! Homer: [thinks...] Lenny's voice: Dental plan! Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. Lenny's voice: Dental plan! Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. Lenny's voice: Dental plan! Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. Lenny's voice: Dental plan! Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. Lenny's voice: Dental plan! Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. Lenny's voice: Dental plan! Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. Chuckie: [as a prank, drops a pencil into the crack of Homer's butt] Carla: Bull's-eye! Homer: Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I lost my train of throught. Lenny's voice: Dental plan! Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. Lenny's voice: Dental plan! Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. Homer: If we give up our dental plan... ... ... I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces!

— Surely but slowly, "Last Exit to Springfield"

Burns: Who is that firebrand, Smithers? Smithers: That's Homer Simpson. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man? Smithers: [brief chuckle] He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude... Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.

— I'd remember if Marge was nude while painting me... "Last Exit to Springfield"

Homer: Hey, what does this job pay? Carl: Nuthin'. Homer: D'oh! Carl: Unless you're crooked. Homer: Woo-hoo!

— U-S-A! U-S-A! "Last Exit to Springfield"

Lisa: This is your chance to get a fair shake for the working man. Homer: <And> make life-long connections to the world of organized crime. Mmmmm... organized crime.

— "Last Exit to Springfield"

Lisa and Marge, these braces are invisible, painless, and periodically release a delightful burst of Calvin Klein's Obsession... for Teeth.

— Dr. Wolfe, "Last Exit to Springfield"

These predate stainless steel, so you can't get them wet.

— Dr. Wolfe shows Lisa a more affordable set of braces, "Last Exit to Springfield"

Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract. Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me? Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me? Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? Homer: [thinking] My God! He <is> coming onto me! Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [chuckle] [wink] Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh! [aloud] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

— Wink wink, nudge nudge, "Last Exit to Springfield"

Look, fellas. It's Lisa in the sky.

— Ringo, "Last Exit to Springfield"

Homer: [answering the door] Who is it? Voice: Goons. Homer: Who? Voice: Hired goons. Homer: Hired goons? [opens the door] Goons: [take Homer roughly away]

— "Last Exit to Springfield"

Burns: And this is my basement. [reveals a traditional unfinished basement, complete with ping-pong table] Homer: Gee, it's not as nice as the other rooms. Burns: Yes, I really should stop ending the tour with it.

— "Last Exit to Springfield"

Burns: Now, let's get down to business. Homer: [thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon? [water drips in the background, Smithers pours a cup of coffee] Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking. I want to take the pressure off. Now, it doesn't take a `whiz' to know that you're looking out for `Number One'. Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon.

— "Last Exit to Springfield"

Homer: Which way to the bathroom? Burns: Oh, it's the twenty-third door on the left.

— "Last Exit to Springfield"

Tonight, on Smartline. "The Power plant strike. Argle bargle, or fooforaw?"

— Kent Brockman, "Last Exit to Springfield"

I brought my own mike!

— Dr. Joyce Brothers appears on `Smartline', "Last Exit to Springfield"

Kent: Um, my director is telling me not to talk to you any more. Homer: Woo-hoo!

— "Last Exit to Springfield"

Look at them all, through the darkness I'm bringing. They're not sad at all. They're actually singing! They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers!

— "Last Exit to Springfield"

Ixnay on the Oojay!

— Ustykray the Ownklay, "The Front"

What are you going to change your name to when you grow up?

— Bart to Lisa, "The Front"

Eh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a...heheheh-hey! Whoa! Wasn't that great, kids?

— Krusty discovers the wonders of live television, "The Front"

Lisa: The writers should be ashamed of themselves! Bart: Cartoons have writers?

— I thought it was just a bunch of stuff that happened, "The Front"

Lisa: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Bart: Probably not.

— "The Front"

Homer's brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the horrible secret from your past. Homer: Marge I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom. Marge: Oh, my God! Homer's brain: No, the other secret!

— One secret at a time, "The Front"

Homer: I never passed Remedial Science 1A. Marge: And you're a nuclear technician?

— But his job description clearly specified an illiterate, "The Front"

Lisa: Look, there's only one way to settle this. Rock-paper-scissors. Lisa's brain: Poor predictable Bart. Always takes `rock'. Bart's brain: Good ol' `rock'. Nuthin' beats that! Bart: Rock! Lisa: Paper. Bart: D'oh!

— "The Front"

What about Grampa? He's pretty out of it. He let those guys use his checkbook for a whole year.

— Bart, "The Front"

When I read your magazine, I don't see one wrinkled face or single toothless grin. For shame! To the sickos at `Modern Bride' magazine.

— Grampa Simpson writes a letter, "The Front"

Bart: Hey, Grampa, we need to know your first name. Grampa: You're making my tombstone!?

— "The Front"

Whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear!

— Grampa Simpson, "The Front"

Bobby: First, the award for the alumnus who gaied the most weight. Homer Simpson! Homer: Oh, my God! Bobby: How'd you do it, Homer? Homer: I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.

— "The Front"

What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut.

— Homer accepts an award, "The Front"

Bart! Our cartoon's on TV!

— Lisa, "The Front"

Lisa; Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing nothing? Grampa: I figured, 'cuz the Democrats were in power again.

— "The Front"

Dear Mr. President. There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot!

— Grampa Simpson writes another letter, "The Front"

Homer: All right brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer. Homer's brain: It's a deal!

— "The Front"

I'll never watch an awards show again.

— Bart Simpson, "The Front"

God bless those pagans...

— Homer, "So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show"