Movie Trivia

TV: The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum. Homer: Mmmmm... beer...

— Homer, "So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show"

Eddie: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.

— "So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show"

Eddie: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney! Wiggum: [gets out of the car] I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8. Eddie: [into radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

— "So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show"

It was an amusing episode. ... Of our lives.

— Bart, "So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show"

Mmm... Chocolate...

— Homer, "So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show"

Marge: Please, Grampa, he's in a coma. Grampa: Coma!? Pfffft. Why, I go in and out of comas all the... [falls asleep] [wakes up] French toast, please.

— "So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show"

Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers, welcome! Chalmers: [dryly] Hello, Seymour. Skinner: So, what's the word down at One School Board Plaza? Chalmers: We're dropping the geography requirement. The children weren't testing well. It's proving to be an embarrassment. Skinner: Very good. Back to the three R's. Chalmers: Two R's, come October.

— "Whacking Day"

Excellent. Not a trace of urine.

— Superintendent Chalmers inspects the school sandbox, "Whacking Day"

Homer: Hey, kids, how was school? Lisa: I learned how many grams in a pennyweight. Bart: I got expelled. Homer: That's my boy! [sips his Duff] Mmm... beer... [double-take] What!?

— It's beer, Homer, "Whacking Day"

Ach du lieber! Das is nicht eine Booby!

— Adolf Hitler, "Whacking Day"

Marge: Bart, I'd like you to read this copy of "Johnny Tremaine". It's a book I read as a girl. Bart: A book!? Pfffft. Marge: I think you might like this. It's about a boy who goes to war. His hand is deformed in an accident. Bart: Deformed? Why didn't you say so! They should call this book "Johnny Deformed"?

— I'd prefer "Johnny Quest Deformed", "Whacking Day"

Gentlemen, start your whacking!

— Miss Springfield, "Whacking Day"

I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock.

— Grampa Simpson, "Whacking Day"

Bart: That cute little character could take America by storm. All he needs is a hook. Gabbo: [coyly] I'm a bad widdle boy. Bart: Ay, Carumba!

— Fool me once, shame on you... "Krusty Gets Cancelled"

Krusty: I've had plenty of guys come after me, and I've buried them all. Sea Captain. Joey Bishop. Pennycandy: Don't forget the Special Olympics. Krusty: [wistfully] Oh, yeah... I slaughtered the Special Olympics!

— "Krusty Gets Kancelled"

Krusty: All right, here's the deal. Every time you watch my show, I will send you... [holds up a check] forty dollars! Voice: [fine print] Checks will not be honored.

— "Krusty Gets Kancelled"

Quimby: I'll admit I used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemies. But as Gabbo would say, "I'm a bad widdle boy." Crowd: Yaaaaaay!

— "Krusty Gets Kancelled"

Gabbo: And now it's time for another patented Gabbo Crank Call! Bart: I can't believe it. He stole this bit from Krusty! Lisa: Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.

— Is there anything that <isn't> stolen from Steve Allen? "Krusty Gets Kancelled"

If this is anyone other than Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit!

— Krusty the ex-Klown, "Krusty Gets Kancelled"

Bart: Somebody ought to ruin Gabbo's career the way he ruined Krusty's. Lisa: Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart. Bart: Yes they do. Lisa: No they don't. Bart: Yes they do! Lisa: No they don't! Bart: Yes they do!! Lisa: Daaaad! Homer: Two wrongs make a right, Lisa.

— "Krusty Gets Kancelled"

Thirty-five years in television and already nobody remembers me. Just like what's-his-face.

— Krusty the Klown, "Krusty Gets Kancelled"

Bart: I didn't know you knew Luke Perry. Krusty: Pfft. Know him? He's my worthless half-brother. Lisa: He's a big TV star. Krusty: Yeah. [scoffing] On FOX.

— Does Rabbi Krustofsky know? "Krusty Gets Kancelled"

Krusty: I don't know how to thank you kids. Bart: That's all right, Krusty. Lisa: We're getting fifty percent of the T-shirt sales.

— The money is in the merchandising, "Krusty Gets Kancelled"

Hello, everybody, I'm Troy McClure, star of such films as "P is for Psycho" and "The President's Neck is Missing".

— "Marge in Chains"

Burns: Who the devil are you? Homer: [thinks] Don't panic. Just come up with a good story. [aloud] My name is Mr. Burns. [thinks] D'oh!

— Burns, eh? "Marge in Chains"

Crowd: We need a cure! We need a cure! Hibbert: Ho ho ho. Why, the only cure is bedrest. Anything I give you would be a placebo. Woman: [frantic] Where can we get these placebos?

— "Marge in Chains"

Oh, the network slogan is true! Watch FOX and be damned for all eternity!

— Ned Flanders, "Marge in Chains"

Lisa: Mom, could you bring me more O.J.? Bart: Mom, could you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphine?

— Marge tends to an ill family, "Marge in Chains"

Marge: And a bottle of aspirin. Apu: [holding a bottle that can't hold more than 10 tablets] The aspirin is $24.95. Marge: $24.95?! Apu: I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.

— Our loss is your pain, "Marge in Chains"

All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says `Capricorn', and something with coconut on it!

— And keep them high above your head where I can see them, "Marge in Chains"

Ooh, he's going to win!

— Lionel Hutz observes the District Attorney, "Marge in Chains"

D.A. Now, Mrs. Lovejoy, could you tell us a little about Marge Simpson? Helen: Well, as the wife of a minister, I'm privy to a lot of sensitive information. And here it is...

— "Marge in Chains"

So, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that <is> your real name...

— Lionel Hutz cross-examines Apu, "Marge in Chains"

Lisa: You're a latter-day Clarence Darrow! Hutz: Uh, was he the black guy on the Mod Squad?

— No, he's the black guy on the Supreme Court, "Marge in Chains"

If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.

— Lionel Hutz, "Marge in Chains"

Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

— "Marge in Chains"

It's so nice not to have to cook.

— Marge enjoys a meal in prison, "Marge in Chains"

Now, kids, while your mother's gone, I don't want to have to wash any dishes, so from now on, drink straight from the faucet or milk carton, and we'll eat while standing over the sink or toilet.

— Homer watches the kids, "Marge in Chains"

Bart: Dad, we're running out of clean clothes! Lisa: It seems like I've been wearing this same red dress forever!

— "Marge in Chains"

Nelson: Hah-hah! Your mom's a jailbird! Bart: So's yours. Nelson: Oh yeah.

— "Marge in Chains"

From now on, I'll use my gossip for good instead of evil.

— Helen Lovejoy, "Marge in Chains"

Quimby: [to his bodyguards] Human roaches, feeding off each others' garbage! The only thing you can't buy here is dignity. [taps the microphone] Welcome swappers! To the Springfield swap meet! Ich bin ein Springfield swap meet patron! [Applause] [to his bodyguards] I need a drink and a shower.

— He loves his job, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Bart: Oh boy! Free trading cards! Milhouse: Wow! Joseph of Arimathea! Twenty six conversions in A.D. 46. Nelson: Whoa, a Methuselah rookie card! Flanders: Heh heh, well boys, who'd have thought learning about religion could be fun? Bart: Religion? Milhouse: Learning? Nelson: Let's get out of here!

— Wouldn't want that, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Lisa: Wow, an original Malibu Stacey from 1958! [Sees the huge, pointed breasts] Oh... Man: Yeah, they took her off the market after some kid put both his eyes out.

— That'll teach boys to play with dolls, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool! Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.

— Kids these days, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Bart: Dad, when did you record an album? Homer: I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only eight years ago. Bart: Dad, thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago. [Everyone laughs uproariously except Bart] No, really, I can't! It's a serious problem. [Everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too] What are we all laughing about? Homer: [joyously] Who cares? Anyways...

— "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Homer: Every afternoon at Moe's, Chief Wiggum, Principal Skinner, Apu, and I would get together and sing, and the crowds went wild! [Scene shows roses and underwear getting thrown on stage] Barney: [The only audience member, seductively] Yoo hoo!

— One's a crowd, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Bart: [incredulous] Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught six, dagnab it. Homer: [reproachfully] Bart, what did I tell you? Bart: [abashed] No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector...consarn it.

— The cockney bootblack within, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Anyway, rock and roll had become stagnant. "Achy Breaky Heart" was seven years away; something had to fill the void. That something was barbershop.

— Homer tells it like it is, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Abe: That's my son up there! Man: What, the balding fat-ass? Abe: Uh, no, the...Hindu guy.

— Abe thinks under pressure, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Ned: You know, reverend, this really isn't a hymn. Rev: [crossly] Ned, there's an oil stain in the parking lot that looks just like St. Barnabas. Ned: [aghast] Oh, my stars!

— That oughta keep him busy, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Nigel: Homer, I'm a theatrical agent, and I want to represent your group. [Hands Homer his card] Homer: Really? Nigel: Yeah. You've got _it_. All except that police officer. Yuck! Too "Village People".

— But they were great!, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Apu: [introducing himself] Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. Nigel: Hmm. Never fit on a marquee, luv. From now on, your name is Apu de Beaumarchais. Apu: [unhappily] That is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god...[brightens] but okay!

— Twist my arm, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Homer: Barney! How'd you like to sing for our group? Barney: [On the bathroom floor] Sure, why not? [searching] Now, where's me toothpick?

— Maybe it fell in the toilet, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Moe: Those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job. Nigel: _I_ didn't pay any girls to scream. Moe: Huh?!

— They really mean it?, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Skinner: Only one question remains, gentlemen...what do we call ourselves? Nigel: How about, "Handsome Homer Simpson Plus Three?" Barney: I like it! Apu: Wait, I do not. Skinner: Er, um, we need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it. Apu: How about, "The Be Sharps?" [Everyone laughs loud at first, then less, then the laughter tapers off] Skinner: Perfect!

— Important group naming criteria, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Homer: What'd you kids get? Bart: I bought this cool pencil holder. Homer: Heh heh, far out man. I haven't seen a bong in years.

— But it _could_ hold pencils, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Marge: [dejected] No one bought a wishbone necklace. Homer: Well, one of us made some money! I sold a guy our spare tire. [A tire on the car blows out] D'oh!

— Didn't think we'd need it, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Homer: Well, it'll be a long time before your mother gets back with the tire, so why don't I tell you more of the story?

— A tire blows out on the Simpson car, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Homer: [plays some chords, then sings tentatively] There was nothing in Al Capone's vault, But it wasn't Geraldo's fault... [spoken] D'oh!

— Composing is harder than you might think, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Marge: Look what I got! Now people will stop intentionally ramming our car.

— Marge buys a "Baby On Board" sign, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Homer: Hmm, "Baby on Board..." [sings] Baby On Board, Something something, Burt Ward... [spoken] This thing writes itself!

— Homer "Amadeus" Simpson, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Homer: [excited] Wait till I tell Marge! Nigel: [with consternation] Oh, yes...Bouffant Betty. Well, I would prefer if we kept your marriage a secret. You see, a lot of women are going to want to have _sex_ with you, and, er, we want them to think they _can_. Homer: Well, if I explain it to Marge _that_ way, I'm sure she'll understand. [scene change to the Simpson home] Marge: [cries loudly] Homer: [trying to placate her] C'mon, honey! It'll only be until we finish our tour of Sweden.

— Homer, master comforter, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Ah, Squiddy! I got nothing against ye. I just heard there was gold in yer belly. Ha ha har, ha ha ha har!

— Captain McAllister vs. the Sea Squid, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Marge: Homer, you're going to be famous! Homer: Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been. Marge: Hmm, have you seen Bart? Homer: Ehh, I stuck him somewhere.

— It's started already, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Reporter: I have a question for Apu de Beaumarchais. Isn't it true that you're really an Indian? Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie. Reporter: Barney! How did you join the group? Barney: They found me on the men's room floor. [Everyone laughs, but a tear rolls down Barney's cheek] Reporter: Principal Skinner, you've been referred to as "the funny one." Is that reputation justified? Skinner: [seriously] Yes. Yes, it is. [Everyone laughs]

— Funny to look at perhaps, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Homer: We'd like to dedicate this next number to a very special woman. She's a hundred years old, and she weighs over two hundred... tons. Man: This enormous woman will devour us all! Aah! [jumps into water] Homer: Er, I meant the statue...

— Used a bong lately?, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero! David: Oh, you like my music? Barney: [surprised] You're a musician?

— Birds of a feather, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

George: Hello, Homer! I'm George Harrison. Homer: [incredulous] Oh my God. Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie? George: Over there. There's a big pile of them. Homer: [Laughs crazily, then devours a whole bunch] [satisfied] Oh, ma-an... [devours more] George: Well, what a nice fellow.

— You ain't seen nothin' yet, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Homer: Lisa, did you see the Grammys? Lisa: You beat Dexy's Midnight Runners. Homer: Well, you haven't heard the last of them.

— Oh yeah?, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Lisa: Wow, look at all this Be Sharps merchandise. Lunch boxes... coffee mugs...funny foam...[squirts some on Homer] Homer: [angrily] They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die. [looks over] Bart! Bart: [through a mouth full of foam, guiltily] What?

— A closed mouth gathers no feet, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Lisa: I can't believe you're not still popular. Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus? Homer: All the time! That was the title of our second album.

— They meant "more popular", not "bigger", "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Homer: We were about to learn an iron law of show business: what goes up must come down. Lisa: What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over fifty years. Bart: So's Sinatra. Homer: Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of -- Lisa: Dean Martin still packs 'em in. Bart: Ditto Tom Jones. Homer: Shut up!

— Counterexample, schmounterexample, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

[Homer, Skinner, and Apu sing] For all the latest medical poop Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. Poo poo pa-doop. Apu: This is worse than your song about Mr. T. Homer: I pity the fool who doesn't like...he.

— At least it rhymes, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Skinner: Well, William, I'm back! So...how did you spend your summer? Willy: I made millions in software and lost it at the track. Ach!

— Who knew?, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Apu: It may not be glamorous, but it's good, honest work. Woman: How much is this quart of milk? Apu: Twelve dollars.

— The best policy, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Moe: Hey, Barney! What'll it be? Barney: I'd like a beer, Moe! Yoko: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat. Moe: [reaching under bar] Here you go.

— And you thought he couldn't mix drinks, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Homer: Hey, fellows, I'm back! Carl: Oh, that's great. Your replacement was getting tired. [shot of a chicken in Homer's chair, pecking the controls] Hey, Queenie, you can go now! Homer: I'll give her a good home. [scene shifts back to Bart and Lisa, centered on Homer's stomach] And I did.

— Always keeps his promises, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Bart: Man, that's some story! Lisa: But there are still a few things I don't get. Like, how come we never heard about this until today? Bart: Yeah, and what happened to the money you made? Lisa: Why haven't you hung up your gold records? Bart: Since when could you write a song? Homer: [laughs] There are perfectly good answers to those questions. But they'll have to wait for another night. Now off to bed!

— Never a continuity error, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it's "Up Late with McBain". I'm your announcer, Corporal Obergruppenfuehrer Wolfcastle. And heeere's McBain! McBain: Ja, thank you, ja, that's nice. Let's say hello to my music guy, Skoey. [Skoey bows] That is some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. [Audience boos] Whoa, maybe you all are homosexuals too! Bart: This is horrible. Lisa: The FOX network has sunk to a new low.

— Thank God for FOX, "Cape Feare"

Marge: Lisa, you got a letter. Lisa: It's from my pen-pal Anya! [reads] Anya: [voice over] Dear Lisa, as I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and [voice changes to that of a man] replaced by the benevolent general Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl.

— Hmm, sudden tone change, "Cape Feare"

But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace.

— Bart, "Cape Feare"

Abe: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George "Goober" Lindsay. Bart: [dismissively] Grampa, Matlock's not real. Abe: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

— Matlock and corn: good by themselves, twice as good together, "Cape Feare"

Um, I checked around. The girls are calling you "fatty-fat fat fat", and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants, but...nobody's trying to kill ya.

— Milhouse the informer to Bart, "Cape Feare"

[cheerfully] All right, this is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with the message, "I am coming to kill you slowly _and_ painfully."

— Marty, the wacky radio DJ, "Cape Feare"

[Scene shows Marge in the kitchen] Marge: [threateningly] Bart, I am going to _get_ you...[brandishes some scissors] Bart: [gasps] Marge: [cheerfully] ...some ice cream at the store, since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola! [holds up a coupon] [Scene switches to Flanders outside] Flanders: [threateningly] Say your prayers, Simpson...[brandishes a glove with knives on the fingers] Bart: [gasps] Flanders: [cheerfully] ...because the schools can't force you like they should! [clips the hedge] Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church. [Scene switches to Bart's classroom] Edna: [threateningly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart... Bart: [gasps] Edna: [sweetly] ...in our school production of "Lizzie Borden", starring Martin Prince as Lizzie. [Shot of Martin in drag] Martin: [with an axe] Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart!

— They're all out to get you, "Cape Feare"

Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters. Marge: [indignantly] I'm pretty sure there is. Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle -- Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief. [shows him "Springfield Law"] Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's _also_ illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. [Shot of Eddie the cop with squirrels running around in his pants, and a bunch of cops watching and laughing] Boys, knock it off!

— The perks of being a man in blue, "Cape Feare"

Lisa: Bart, I figured it out! Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years? Bart: Linda Lavin? Lisa: No, someone who _didn't_ deserve it.

— As long as it's cheaper than 555-CORY, "Cape Feare"

Bob: [narrating aloud] Dear "Life in these United States", a funny thing happened to me...uh...[faints] Snake: Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.

— The pen is mightier than the sword -- except when it runs out of blood, "Cape Feare"

Bob: Take care, Snake. May the next time we meet be under more... _felicitous_ circumstances. Snake: [not understanding] Guh? Bob: Take care. Snake: Buh.

— Never made it to grade 10, "Cape Feare"

Wiggum: [miffed] Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me "Chief Piggum!" [everyone laughs] Heh, now I get it. That's good.

— Guess you _didn't_ have to be there, "Cape Feare"

Lawyer: Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson? Bob: [barely in control] Bart Simpson? Ha! The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and [maliciously] sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole? Officer: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole" when you could have said, "peepee-soaked heckhole". Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.

— We aim to please, "Cape Feare"

Lawyer: But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die Bart, Die?" Bob: [conciliatorily] No, that's German for "The Bart, The." [The spectators laugh, understanding] Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.

— Remember World War II?, "Cape Feare"

Bart+Lisa: Aah! Sideshow Bob! Bart: _You_ wrote me those letters. Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son. Bob: Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. [evilly] Stay away...forever! Homer: [quaking] No! Bob: Wait a minute, that's no good. [Starts to walk away, then runs back] Wait! I've got a good one now. Marge, say, "Stay away from my son," again. Marge: [angrily] No! Bob: [groaning] Oh...

— I hate it when that happens, "Cape Feare"

Wiggum: Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without _me_ knowing. And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal. Homer: [nefariously] Is that so? [calls out window] Oh, Flanders! Won't you join me in my kitchen? Heh, heh, heh... Wiggum: Er, it doesn't work if you invite him. Flanders: [effusively] Heidily hey! Homer: [truculently] Go home! Flanders: [congenially] Toodily doo!

— Coulda worked, though, "Cape Feare"

Man: Now don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, _very_ persuasive. [reloads his gun] [Scene change to a bar] Man: [whining] C'mon, leave town! Bob: No. Man: I'll be your friend? Bob: No. Man: Aw, you're mean!

— How to Win Arguments and Influence People, "Cape Feare"

Bart: I'll be Gus, the lovable chimney-sweep. Clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle, best in all Westminster. Yeah! Homer: Shut up, boy.

— So much for _that_ new identity, "Cape Feare"

Agent: We have places your family can hide in peace and security: Cape Fear, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville -- Homer: [enthusiastically] Ooh, Ice Creamville! Agent: Er, no, Screamville. Homer: [scared] Aah!

— A fertile imagination, "Cape Feare"

Agent: Tell you what, sir. From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practise a bit, hmm? When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi." Homer: Check. Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson. Homer: [stares blankly] Agent: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson. Homer: I gotcha. Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson. Homer: [stares blankly] [A long time later] Agent: [sighs in frustration] Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod. Homer: No problem. Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson! [stomps on Homer's foot a few times] Homer: [stares blankly] [to other agent] I think he's talking to _you_.

— Some things just won't stick, "Cape Feare"

Homer: Hey kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? Bart: Yeah! Lisa: Yeah! Bob: [disguising his voice from under the car] No! Homer: Well, two against one!

— That's democracy, "Cape Feare"

Marge: [ruefully] We've left it all behind. How can you make a clean break with your life? Homer: Relax, Marge, I tied up all the loose ends before we left. [Scene change to Simpsons' old house] Abe: [knocking] Hello-o? Hello-o! You have my pills! Hello-o? [meekly] I'm cold, and there are wolves after me. [Howling is heard in the distance]

— All the loose ends except one, "Cape Feare"

Homer: [cracks a beer] Ahh! Bart: Mom, Dad, I saw Sideshow Bob and he threatened to kill me! Homer: Bart, don't interrupt! Marge: Homer, this is serious! Homer: Oh, it is not.

— "Cape Feare"

[dictating while writing] Roman numeral three: surprise boy in bed... [sips his tea] ...and, er, disembowel him! No, I don't like that "bowel" in there. [erases it] Gut him! Ah, le mot juste.

— Sideshow Bob plots his revenge, "Cape Feare"

Bob: Well, Bart...any last requests? Bart: Well, there is one, but...nah. Bob: [curious] No, go on. Bart: Well, you have such a beautiful voice. Bob: [arrogantly] Guilty as charged. Bart: Uh huh. Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of the "H.M.S. Pinafore". Bob: Very well, Bart. I shall send you to heaven before I send you to hell.

— "Cape Feare"

Bob: And now [draws his sword] the final curtain...[walks towards Bart] [The boat hits a rock and Bob is sent flying] [Chief Wiggum and other policemen are on shore in their bathrobes] Wiggum: [cocks his gun] Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest. Bob: By Lucifer's beard! Wiggum: Uh, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.

— Depends on who you ask, "Cape Feare"

Bart: I knew I had to buy some time. So I asked him to sing the score from the "H.M.S. Pinafore". Homer: Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its in-tric-asies.

— Homer, literary scholar, "Cape Feare"

Bart: Take him away, boys. Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys. Lou: What'd you say, chief? Wiggum: [quietly] Do what the kid says.

— Yeah, what he said, "Cape Feare"