Movie Trivia

Marley: You mind if I say a few words? Burns: Oh, me-me-me, "I want all the attention because it's <my> party", eh?

— Will the honored guest please shut up, "Marge Gets a Job"

: Marge Simpson : Resume : : Homemaker: 1980 to present \>

— It's my job, and I'll apply if I want to, "Marge Gets a Job"

Smithers: This r\'esum\'e is very impressive. Let me be the first to say "Abibu gazini". Marge: What? Smithers: "Welcome aboard". I guess my Swahili's not as good as yours.

— What's Swahili for "Good idea, boss"? "Marge Gets a Job"

Last week, some Jeohvah's Witnesses came to the door, and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when I went into the kitchen to get more lemonade.

— Marge, "Marge Gets a Job"

Lisa: You'll be just like Marie and Pierre Curie. Homer: What'd they do? Lisa: They discovered radium! Then they both died of radiation poisoning.

— "Marge Gets a Job"

Now, Marge, just remember. If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English. Ah, Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt?

— Homer's rules for success in the workplace, "Marge Gets a Job"

Marge: What do I do? Smithers: Heh, heh, heh. Marge, please! According to your r\'esum\'e you <invented> this machine.

— I can't believe I invented it! "Marge Gets a Job"

Mrs. K: Bart, have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"? Bart: I'm halfway through it, I swear!

— That's the one with Little Red Riding Hood and the three pigs, right? "Marge Gets a Job"

Grampa: Good news, boy! I found a pharmacy that carries leeches! Well it wasn't exactly a pharmacy... more of a bait shop.

— "Marge Gets a Job"

Oral thermometer, my eye!

— Grampa, "Marge Gets a Job"

Burns: I must have her! Smithers, zoom in. Closer! Closer! Closer, dammit! [the camera hits Marge in the forehead] Marge: Ow! Burns: Too close.

— "Marge Gets a Job"

I am the Angel of Death. The Time of Purification is at hand.

— "Marge Gets a Job"

Mrs. K: Well, then, you're ready for your make-up test. Bart: Ohhhhhh! My ovaries.

— He's in more trouble than he thinks, "Marge Gets a Job"

Grampa: Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"? Bart: I glanced at it. Boy cries wolf, has a few laughs... I forget how it ends.

— Selective recall, "Marge Gets a Job"

Homer: Ohhhhh... Marge: What? Homer: I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me. Friends, co-workers, Tibor... I never thought it'd be my own wife. Marge: Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder. Homer: Are you kidding? I work like a Japanese beaver! Marge: Oh, really? I came to see you three times today. Twice you were sleeping, and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around! Homer: Well! I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. I'm going to go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba... [gets into bed] Eh, good-night.

— Know when to say when, "Marge Gets a Job"

Burns: I want you to arrange a party for two at my estate: Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al Jolson? Smithers: Ah, do you remember we did that once before?

— "Marge Gets a Job"

Bart, to avoid this test, you've had smallpox, the bends, and that unfortunate bout of Tourette's syndrome.

— Mrs. Krabappel, "Marge Gets a Job"

Joan: She must think you're after her eggs. Krusty: I only ate one!

— "Marge Gets a Job"

Ivanhoe is a story about a Russian farmer and his tool.

— Bart Simpson, "Marge Gets a Job"

Burns: I want you to show this woman the time of her life. Homer: Gotcha. Marge, we're getting some drive-thru, then we're doing it twice!

— "Marge Gets a Job"

Marge: That medicine's not for you! Homer: [emptying assorted bottles of medicine] C'mon, Marge! Maybe I'm not getting enough... [reads the label] estrogen.

— Can't get enough, uh huh, "The New Kid on the Block"

Homer: Marge, we're going to that restaurant. Marge: But I think I'm allergic to seafood. The last time I ate shrimp, my throat closed up, and I went into convulsions. Homer: Mmm... shrimp...

— Mmm... convulsions... "The New Kid on the Block"

Wife: Now, I don't know much about haggling or bargaining, so let's just pay whatever the Winfields want. Agent: That could work.

— Flexibility is our middle name, "The New Kid on the Block"

Laura: Are you all right? Bart's brain: She's beautiful. Say something clever. Bart's mouth: [meekly] I fell on my bottom. Bart's brain: D'oh!

— Thinking fast on one's bottom, "The New Kid on the Block"

Woman: I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield, especially after that TIME cover story, "America's Worst City". Marge: [proudly] You could see our house in that photo!

— Was Homer in the window without any pants on? "The New Kid on the Block"

Woman: They're so sweet when you marry them, but soon it's just career, career, career. Homer: [outside, scolding SLH] <My> hammock. Do you understand? Mine! ... Don't look at me that way!

— The exception that proves the rule, "The New Kid on the Block"

Homer: I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Woman: Sorry, this isn't Abby; this is her sister. I look after her now. Abigail: [rocking but otherwise motionless in her rocking chair] [speaking to no one in particular] No, Bart. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

— And come out with your hands up, "The New Kid on the Block"

Homer: Uh, and there was something else... Something I was supposed to tiptoe around... Laura's mother: My divorce. Homer: <That's> it! Woo-hoo! I'm glad <one> of us remembered. <That> could've been embarrassing.

— A close call, "The New Kid on the Block"

Laura's mother: Well, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes. I want to be fixed up with one of your friends as soon as you can arrange it. After all, Homer, I do have the normal ... appetites. Homer: [knowingly] Heh, heh, heh. I know what you mean. [just checking] Just let me make sure we're not talking about food. Laura's mother: I'm not. Homer: [as if he knew it all along] Right! Me neither. [just checking] We're talking about sex, right? Laura's mother: Right. Homer: I hear you loud and clear!

— But does he understand? "The New Kid on the Block"

Hey, sometimes a guy just likes his skin to look its yellowest.

— Bart takes a bath, "The New Kid on the Block"

Waiter: I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it. Marge: Mmm, what about the bread? Does that have much fish in it? Waiter: Yes.

— One slice of bread with not so much fish in it later... "The New Kid on the Block"

Can't talk. Eating.

— Homer, "The New Kid on the Block"

Homer: This is my quest. I'm like that guy. That Spanish guy. You know, he fought the windmill... Marge: Don Quixote? Homer: No, that's not it. What's-his-name, the Man of La Mancha. Marge: Don Quixote. Homer: No! Marge: I really think that was the character's name. Don Quixote. Homer: Fine! I'll look it up! [heads off and consults a reference] Marge: [annoyed] Well, who was it? Homer: [quietly fuming] Nevermind.

— "The New Kid on the Block"

Homer: All you can eat. Ha! Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fradulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".

— "The New Kid on the Block"

Homer: So, do you think I have a case? Hutz: I don't use the word hero very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history. Homer: Woo-hoo!

— I'm sorry, did I say `hero'? I meant `zero'. "The New Kid on the Block"

Son, a woman is a lot like a... [looks around] a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother to get one! [downs the beer] But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! [gets another woman out of the woman]

— Homer teaches Bart about the birds and the beers, "The New Kid on the Block"

Bart: How can you like that guy? Laura: I dunno. Maybe because he's an outlaw. You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house? Bart: Jimbo killed him? Laura: No. [dramatically] But he poked him with a stick.

— "The New Kid on the Block"

Bart: I'll show <them> who's "just a kid"! Marge: [calling] Bart, bedtime! I laid out your jammy-jams!

— "The New Kid on the Block"

Lisa: Good luck in your trumped-up lawsuit, Dad. Homer: [hugs her] Thanks. That means a lot to me.

— "The New Kid on the Block"

Bart: What do you like about him? He's just a good-looking rebel who plays by his own rules. Lisa+Laura: [wistful sigh]

— "The New Kid on the Block"

Aide: Eighteen thousand letters, all addressed to Santa Claus. Attorney: You want the People of Springfield versus Kris Kringle. That's next door.

— "The New Kid on the Block"

Is it true that your husband consumed a ten-pound bag of flour when no other food was available?

— The defense attorney cross-examines Marge, "The New Kid on the Block"

Moe: [answers the phone] Yeah, just a sec; I'll check. [calls] Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm lookin' fer Amanda Hugginkiss. Where can I find Amanda Hugginkiss? [bar denizens laugh] Barney: Maybe your standards are too high! Moe: [to phone] You little S.O.B. Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!

— "The New Kid on the Block"

Moe: Hey, don't steal any beer while I'm gone. Barney: What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for? Gasp! Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray! [drinks it]

— "The New Kid on the Block"

As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way.

— Bart, "The New Kid on the Block"

Laura: [on the phone] Hello, I'd like to speak to Ms. Tinkle? First name... Bart: [whispers] Laura: [continues] Ivana? Moe: [on the phone] Ivana Tinkle, just a sec. [calls] Ivana Tinkle! Ivana Tinkle! Hey, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle!

— "The New Kid on the Block"

Live, from beautiful Malaki Island ("We're not just for lepers any more"), it's "Carnival of the Stars"!

— Troy McClure hosts another stupid television show, "Mr. Plow"

I'm your host, Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules" and "Dial M for Murderousness"!

— Troy McClure hosts another stupid television show, "Mr. Plow"

Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place "Moe's" you left just before the accident. This is a business of some kind? Homer: [thinks] Don't tell him you were at a bar! Gasp! But what else is open at night? [aloud] It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography. [thinks] Heh heh heh. I would'a never thought of that.

— How not to throw an insurance agent off the scent, "Mr. Plow"

She'll go 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene.

— Crazy Vlaclav tries to sell Homer a car, "Mr. Plow"

Kids! If we buy a new car, we get our parking validated for free!

— Homer takes the kids to a car show, "Mr. Plow"

Homer: Gasp! Adam West! [calling] Kids! Batman! Lisa: Dad, that's not the real Batman. Adam West: Of <course> I'm the real Batman. [shows a glossy] Here's a picture of me with Robin. Bart: Who the hell is Robin?

— Kid today, "Mr. Plow"

Michelle Pfeiffer? Ha! The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, or Eartha Kitt.

— Adam West muses, "Mr. Plow"

Homer, I've got to sneak these valuable artworks out of the White House, but I can't get out of the driveway because of these protesters!

— President George Bush moves out of the White House, "Mr. Plow"

Homer: Well, I really should discuss this with my wife. Salesman: [scoffs] Your wife? [cracks an imaginary whip] Homer: What, you think I'm going to buy a $20,000 truck just because you make that noise? Salesman: [does it again] [and again] [and again] Homer: [on his knees] I'll take it!

— "Mr. Plow"

Marge: I can't believe you bought that plow. We can't afford it! Homer: If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things! Marge: Good! Homer: Fine! I'll never, ever, ever do another stupid thing. Good night! [angrily turns to leave and walks face-first into the side of the truck] Marge: [concerned] Oh, Homey. Didn't that hurt? Homer: [quietly] No.

— I meant to do that, "Mr. Plow"

It may be on a lousy channel, but The Simpsons are on TV!

— Homer proudly introduces his television debut, "Mr. Plow"

Homer: [narrating a TV commercial] Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snowblowers? And the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow? Bart+Lisa: Uh-huh!

— Homer's TV commercial as... "Mr. Plow"

Commercial-Homer: Call now and receive a free T-shirt! Homer: [watching at home, raises a "Stockdale for VP" T-shirt] He could still surprise ya!

— but can he hear ya? "Mr. Plow"

My prices are so low, you'll think I suffered brain damage!

— Truth in advertising, in Homer's TV commercial as... "Mr. Plow"

Mr. Plow, for making it possible for people to get where they're going without resorting to public transportation <or> car-pooling, I give you the keys to the city.

— Diamond Joe Quimby, "Mr. Plow"

Moe: Linda Ronstadt! How'd ya get <her>? Barney: Oh, we've been looking for a project to do together for a while.

— "Mr. Plow"

I've got two words for you: Mellow out, man.

— Homer Simpson, "Mr. Plow"

Yeah, they were gay.

— Homer pretends to be Tony Plow, from "Leave It to Beaver", "Mr. Plow"

Kent: Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pie is on the scene. Arnie: [live remote, in a helicopter] Everything's snowed in! All I can see is white! Kent: [impatiently] Arnie, please. The ski conditions. Arnie: [now upside-down] Mayday! Mayday! I think I'm flying into a mountain! Tell my wife I lo... [picture fuzzes out] Kent: [chuckles] That's great, Arnie.

— Weather report, "Mr. Plow"

Homer: [on the phone, disguising his voice] There's a $10,000 bill in it for you. Barney: Oh yeah? Which president's on it? Homer: Uh... All of them. They're having a party. Jimmy Carter's passed out on the couch. Barney: Wow!

— Don't ask where Jack Kennedy is, "Mr. Plow"

Woman: Could you make sure not to scrape my asphalt? Homer: [sotto voce] Kiss <my> asphalt.

— "Mr. Plow"

Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded "Greenhouse Effect"? Well, if 70-degree days in the middle of winter are the `price' of car pollution, you'll forgive me if I keep my old Pontiac.

— Kent Brockman's Two Cents, "Mr. Plow"

Marge: [Holding bottle] Maggie, can you say ba-ba? Can you say mama? Bart: Can you say get bent? Marge: Bart! Bart: Mister Rogers says it all the time! Marge: He does not. Homer: Maggie, can you say daddy? Daddy? Marge: Kitty. Kitty. Lisa: Be-bop. Be-bop. Bart: Shove it. Shove it. Maggie: [burp] Homer: Did you hear that? She said "burlap"!

— Too much chicken for Liz, "Lisa's First Word"

Marge: Oh Maggie, when are you going to talk? Lisa: Well, don't push her. Remember, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt. Homer's brain: What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid. Homer: Takes one to know one. Homer's brain: Swish!

— Homer, non sequitur master, "Lisa's First Word"

Marge: According to Fretful Mother Magazine, if Maggie doesn't talk at age one, we should consider a corrective tongue extender.

— And then she can be the world's youngest Gene Simmons, "Lisa's First Word"

Marge: The story of Lisa's first word is very cute. Bart+Lisa: Tell it, Mom! Tell it, Mom! Tell it! Homer: Yeah. Tell it, Mom!

— Homer, caught up in the moment, "Lisa's First Word"

Bart: Homer! Homer: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Homer's what grownups call me. Call me daddy. Bart: Homer. Homer: Daddy. Bart: Homer. Homer: [increasingly irate] Daddy. Bart: Da...da...da... Homer: Yes? Bart: D'omer! Hah, hah, hah... Homer: Why you little...[chokes Bart]

— Homer practices tongue extension on Bart, "Lisa's First Word"

Marge: Then the prince and the princess...[yawn] got married and lived happily ever after. Bart: Then what happened? Marge: Uh...they had thirty sons and thirty daughters. Bart: What were their names? Marge: Hmm...Dennis...Brad...Mavis...Brad...[asleep]

— They must have been Catholic, "Lisa's First Word"

Homer: Got your nose! Heh heh heh. Bart: Got your wallet! [flushes down toilet]

— Precocious, ain't he, "Lisa's First Word"

Marge: There's going to be twice as much love in this house as there is now! Homer: We're going to start doing it in the morning?!

— Slow on the uptake, "Lisa's First Word"

Marge: I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger house. Homer: No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart'll sleep with us until he's 21. Marge: Won't that warp him? Homer: My cousin Frank did it. Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank. Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think her name is Mother Shabubu now.

— Recipe for a pervert, "Lisa's First Word"

Marge: Once we get the cats out of the way, it won't be too bad Agent: Actually, according to the will, the cats own the house. You'd be their tenants!

— "Lisa's First Word"

Lisa: I wish we lived in the kitty house. Bart: I could've trained them to be my unholy army of the night. Go, my pretties! Kill! Kill!

— The Wicked Bart of the West, "Lisa's First Word"

Homer: Dad, I have a problem. Abe: Why did you come to me? I don't know nothin'. I used to get by on my looks. Now they're gone...withered away like an old piece of fruit...[cries] Homer: Are you done?

— Homer, sympathy king, "Lisa's First Word"

Homer: I need $15,000 to buy a home. Grampa: Oh, well. All I own is this house that I built with my own two hands. Homer: You didn't build this house. You won it on a crooked 50's game show. Grampa: I ratted on everybody and got off scott free! Hah-hah! [They exchange high-fives]

— The $15,000 Question, "Lisa's First Word"

Grampa: All right, son, I'll sell this dump and write you a check. Homer: Dad, first you gave me life, now you've given me a home for my family, I'd be honored if you came to live with us. Grampa: Thank you! Bart: [in the present] So how long before you shipped Grampa off to the old-folks home? Homer: About three weeks. [everyone laughs]

— "Lisa's First Word"

Lisa: When do we get to my first word? Homer: Your what what? Lisa: [indignant] My first words! Homer: Nah, you don't want to hear that story. I know. I'll tell you about the time I got locked in the bank vault with Mr. Mooney. It was another one of my harebrained schemes. Lisa: Dad! Homer: Wait a minute. That was the Lucy show.

— TV that gives so much, "Lisa's First Word"

Homer: Okay, where were we? Bart: Mom was preggers and Dad threw all our money down a sink hole. Homer: Ah yes.

— Homer narrates the story of Bart's childhood, "Lisa's First Word"

Ned: Buenos Dias, neighboritos! The handle is Flanders, but my friends call me Ned. Homer: [sullen] Hi, Flanders.

— Setting the tone for years to come, "Lisa's First Word"

Ned: If you need anything just give a whistle. Homer: I could use a TV tray. Ned: Well, gee... Homer: What? Ned: Uh, I just this minute bought it at the hardware... Homer: You said "anything". Ned: Heh, sure, you can borrow it for...a little while. Homer: [in the present] And that little while is now eight years and counting. Heh, heh, heh.

— "Lisa's First Word"

Bart: I am so great! I am so great! Everybody loves me, I am so great! Marge: Honey, honey, honey, honey, honey. Could you please be quiet? Bart: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quie -- Marge: Bart, get out!

— Those terrible two's, "Lisa's First Word"

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

— Back when Homer wasn't in a bind, "Lisa's First Word"

Bart: Krusty funny! Homer: Duh.

— Homer watches TV with Little Bart, "Lisa's First Word"

Krusty: Blech! [spits the burger out] Oh, I almost swallowed some of the juice. [drinks from his flask] Uhh, I'll be tasting that for weeks. Accountant: Great spot, K. C. Krusty: Put a sock in it, preppy. How much are these free burgers gonna cost me? Accountant: Not to worry, Mr. K. We've rigged the cards: they're all in events that Communists never lose. Krusty: I like, I like. Woman: This just came over the wires, Big K. Krusty: [reads] Uh-huh. Soviet boycott. U.S. unopposed in most events. How does this affect our giveaway? Accountant: Let's see. [calculates] You personally stand to lose $44 million.

— As long as he never bets against the Globetrotters, "Lisa's First Word"

Bart: Can't sleep, clown'll eat me...Can't sleep, clown'll eat me...

— Bart laughs himself to sleep, "Lisa's First Word"

Announcer: And we're seconds away from the 100-meter butterfly. While the East German, heh heh, "women", are shaving their backs three thousand miles away, the Americans are heavy favorites.

— The 1984 Olympics butterfly competition, "Lisa's First Word"

Marge: Homer, I think the baby is coming. Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life? TV: Next up, an hour-long episode of "Mama's Family". Homer: Yess!

— The day he skips church is eight years away, "Lisa's First Word"

Ned: We'll take good care of your boy, Simpson. Enjoy the miracle of creation! Homer: Shut up, Flanders. [drives off] Ned: So, what d'you kids wanna play? Rod+Todd: "Good Samaritan!"

— Gotta start 'em young, "Lisa's First Word"

Todd: I get to clothe the leper. Rod: Lucky! Ned: Supper time, boys! Todd: Oh boy: liver! Rod: Iron helps us play.

— "Good Samaritan" and dinner at the Flanderses, "Lisa's First Word"

Marge: According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her [Lisa]. Homer: Well, Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt.

— Mmm...hairy yellow, "Lisa's First Word"

Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born. Lisa: "Mondale to Hart: [confused] Where's the beef?" Bart: "Where's the beef?" What the hell that's supposed to mean? Homer: Heh heh heh heh heh. "Where's the beef"...No wonder he won Minnesota.

— Homer, savvy politico, "Lisa's First Word"

Patty: Isn't that cute. She's coughing.

— Wait 'til she spits up, "Lisa's First Word"

Patty: The older they get, the cuter they ain't.

— The universal truth as told by a Bouvier spinster, "Lisa's First Word"

Announcer: In a moment, we'll look at the courageous Korean gymnast, Kim Huyang, who made a perfect dismount and which was later revealed to be...a broken leg! Huyang: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghh! Announcer: [cheerfully] Ho ho ho ho hoo. Ouch!

— Watching sports, "Lisa's First Word"

Hibbert: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. She has the relexes of a young Mary Lou Retton. Have a wowwipop. [gives Lisa one] Bart: Can _I_ have a lollipop? Hibbert: Oh Bart, I'm afraid that was the last one. But I've got something even better for you: a rubella innoculation! [holds up a giant needle]

— Ten-braided Hibbert and his medicine, "Lisa's First Word"

Bart: I wanna hold the baby. I wanna hold the baby. Marge: I'm sorry, Bart, you're too little. Homer: Here, Bart, you can hold my beer.

— "Lisa's First Word"

Bart: You wrecked everything. I'm leaving. Goodbye. Lisa: Bart. Bart: [amazed] What did you say? Say it again! Lisa: Bart. Bart: Sufferin' Succotash! You can talk! Lisa: Goo.

— Lisa's first word, "Lisa's First Word"

Bart: Can you say David Hasselhoff? Lisa: Davah Hassa-hoff.

— Lisa learns to talk, "Lisa's First Word"

Homer: Can you say Daddy? Lisa: Homer. Homer: No, sweetie. Daddy. Lisa: [pause] Homer. Homer: D'oh!

— Like son, like daughter?, "Lisa's First Word"

Bart: I was sitting there! Lisa: I don't see your name on it! Bart: It's right there! Marge: Bart, don't write on the rug.

— Lisa wasn't looking hard enough, "Lisa's First Word"

Homer: The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. [tucks Maggie in] I hope you never say a word. [shuts the door] Maggie: [taking her pacifier out] Daddy.

— Maggie's first word, "Lisa's First Word"

Bad cops, bad cops...Bad cops, bad cops Springfield cops are on the take But what do you expect for the money we make? Whether in a car or on a horse We don't mind using excessive force Bad cops, bad cops...Bad cops, bad cops

— Theme music for "Cops in Springfield", "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Lovejoy: What in God's name is going on here? Wiggum: Isn't this 742 Evergreen Terrace? Lovejoy: No, that's next door. [next door, Snake drives out of a garage] Snake: Close but no doughnut, cops. [drives off]

— Snake, cattle rustler, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

— Snake makes his escape, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Homer: I can't wait 'till they throw his hatless butt in jail. Marge: Homer, you shouldn't eat so much food. It's bad for your heart. Homer: Oh, my heart is just fi-- aagh! [gags] Marge: Homey, what's wrong? Homer: [strained] Just-- working-- the turkey through...[pause] [normal] There it goes.

— A little beer will put out that fire, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Bart: Hey, Lis, I heard that there was a train wreck last night. Wanna see the victims? Lisa: Sure. [Bart opens his mouth, showing "see-food"] Bart, that's gross! Bart: You're right. Let's bury them at sea. [scoops his goop into Lisa's cereal]

— Bart and Lisa eat breakfast, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Bart: What's wrong, Dad? Homer: [strained] You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I'm having that right now...[normal] Ooh, bacon!

— Bacon will put out that fire too, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Marge: Homer, I've made a special surprise just for you! Homer: It can only be one thing. [imagines a roast pig suggesting Homer eat his rump] Marge: [hands Homer oatmeal] Here you go. Homer: What the hell is this? Marge: Nice, healthy oatmeal. Homer: [sarcastic] Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it. [dumps the oatmeal in the sink] Marge: No there isn't. Homer: Trust me. [starts eating bacon] Bart: Dad, there's a bug on that. Homer: Naah. [keeps on eating]

— Selective vision, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

[at the gas station] Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise. Attendant: It's your heart. And I think it's on it's last thump. Homer: Oh, I thought it was my transmission. [drives away happily] Kid: Where's he going? Attendant: You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix? Kid: We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?! Attendant: You're a dull boy, Billy.

— Missing the point, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers? Smithers: Err...no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.

— Damn their oily hides, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

[a "window" shows Homer's heart, beating fast] Burns: Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello... Homer: Whew...[heart slows down] Burns: ...and goodbye! You're fired! Homer: [gags] [heart speeds up] Burns: But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You _are_ highly skilled... Homer: Whew...[heart slows down] Burns: ...at goofing off! Homer: Aaargh! [heart beats faster] Burns: Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig... Homer: Whew...[heart slows down] Burns: ...a grave for! Homer: Aaargh! [heart beats faster than anything] Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious! Homer: [stares blankly] [heart beats normally] Burns: That means, you're terrible! Homer: Aarrggghh! [heart goes crazy] [collapses]

— The straw that broke the heart's back, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

[Homer's astral body rises from Homer's physical body] Smithers: [examines Homer's dead body] Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. Burns: Oh dear. Send a ham to his widow. Homer's astral body: Mmm...ham...[returns to Homer's body] Smithers: No, wait. He's alive. Burns: Oh good. Cancel the ham. Homer: D'oh!

— Gypped out of the ham of consolation, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Buy three tubes of Mister Blister, get one free.

— Patty reads a discount coupon, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Marge: [answers the phone] Hello...Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! [leaves] Patty: Oh my God. Selma: What? Patty: Five cents off wax paper. Selma: [slaps her cheek in amazement]

— I can't believe they reduced it, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

I'm out of the woods now, right? I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger!

— Homer recovers from a heart attack, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Remember your Hippopotamus oath!

— Homer to Dr. Hibbert, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Marge: Can't you do something for him? Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is. Homer: What an age we live in!

— Modern technology, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

[Homer stands behind an X-ray machine] Hibbert: Now what you see here is the radioactive dye flowing through your husband's circulatory system. Nurse: But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet! Hibbert: Good Lord!

— Real lead in the radiation shields, my butt, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Hibbert: Now I'm going to do a fat analysis test. I'll start your jiggling and measure how long it takes to stop. [starts it jiggling] [jiggles for five seconds] Homer: Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly! Hibbert: Yes. [to intercom] Nurse, cancel my 1:00.

— Homer takes a fat analysis test, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation. Homer: Say it in English, Doc. Hibbert: You're going to need open heart surgery. Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker. Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?

— "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Marge: Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homey well. Hibbert: Good. I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards to $30,000. Homer: Aaarrrggh! [collapses] Hibbert: I'm afraid it's now $40,000.

— Escalating medical costs, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Marge: Don't you have a health plan at work? Homer: We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge. Marge: D'oh!

— Heart attack? Not while I'm playing Pinbot, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Homer: Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

— But you _can_ get eyelash implants legally there, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Clerk: Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions. Homer: Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- [realizes] I mean ask away. Clerk: Now, under "heart attacks", you crossed out three and wrote zero. Homer: Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages". Clerk: All right. Here's your policy. Homer: Now let me tell _you_ something, Mr. Sucker. I just-- Clerk: Wait, you haven't signed it yet. Homer: [takes pen] Oh, yeah, I-- [gags] ...must...sign...policy! Clerk: [pulling policy] I'm sorry, sir, we can't insure you! Homer: I made an H! Clerk: That doesn't count! Homer: Looks like an X. [the clerk manages to pull it away] Clerk: We better get you to a hospital. Homer: Can I have a free calendar? Clerk: OK.

— Homer's attempt to get health insurance, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Oh Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pyjamas sticking pitchforks in my butt!

— Homer recovers from a heart attack, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, you must get that operation as soon as possible. Homer: But I don't have $40,000! Maybe I'll just get one of these machines. [the fribillator] [buzzes himself once more] Oh, yeah.

— No household is complete without one, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

[with Reverend Lovejoy] Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000? [Lovejoy's eyes widen]

— Homer seeks help from the Christian Church, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

[with Rabbi Krustofsky] Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I have rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyhoo, can I have $50,000? Krustofsky: Hmm?

— Homer seeks help from a synagogue, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Bart: Any luck, Dad? Homer: No, but the rabbi gave me this. [spins a dreidel] Bart: What is that? Homer: Son, it's called a droodel.

— Droodel, droodel, droodel, I made you out of clay, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Nick: I'll perform any operation for $129.95! Come in for brain surgery and receive a free Chinese finger trap! [escorts away a lobotomy patient with hands stuck in said device] All right, Fred. You've tried the best, now try the rest! Call 1-600-DOCTORB ["doct-orb"]. The B is for Bargain!

— Nick Riviera's commercial, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Oh, it could be worse. Some dog could do the operation.

— Homer can't afford a coronary bypass, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation. Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows. Homer: Really? What's it like? Lisa: Ehh. [shrugs]

— "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Homer: I'm going to tell the truth and I'm _not_ gonna sugar-coat it. [later, does a puppet show] And so the tiny aorta fairies will take Mr. Leg Vein on a long trip to marry to Ms. Left Ventricle.

— Homer breaks the news to the kids, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad-- for awhile.

— Bart realizes Homer needs a coronary bypass, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln? Homer: He sold poison milk to school children.

— Thinking on his feet, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Homer: What are you in here for? Ned: I'm having a kidney and a lung removed. Homer: Who are you donating them to? Ned: First come, first served.

— Altruism at the hospital, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Homer: I got a bad heart. Ned: Homer, if I could give you my heart, I would. Homer: Shut up, Flanders.

— The heart of Flanders? God forbid, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Nick: Hi everybody! I'm Dr. Nick Riviera. PA: Doctor Riviera, Doctor Nick Riviera. Please report to the coroner immediately! Nick: The coroner. I'm so sick of that guy! Well, see you in the operating place! [opens the door to be greeted by a reporting mob] Shutton: Where are the bodies? [Nick shuts the door] Nick: Such a beautiful day. I think I'll go out the window. [does so]

— A real confidence-builder, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and Sweating to the Oldies volumes One, Two and Four.

— Ned Flanders prays, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

...and that's why God causes train wrecks.

— Bart's Sunday School Teacher, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Lisa: My dad is very sick. What's going to happen if he dies? Albright: Well, if he's been good, he'll go to heaven. In heaven, you get to do whatever you like best all the time. [Lisa imagines Homer in a cloud with a remote control] Homer: Cloud goes up, cloud goes down...

— Sunday School advice, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Krusty: Hey, hey! Hoo-huh-huh-ha-ha! Homer: [gags] Krusty: What's the matter. Oh, yeah, my grotesque appearance! [laughs goofily] Homer: Well, I could use some laughter right about now. Krusty: Well, there's nothing funny about what you're gonna go through. I should know, I'm in the zipper club myself. [bares his chest a little to show a scar] [smokes a cigarrette] Homer: You seem okay. Krusty: Yeah? Well, I got news for you. [points at his head] This ain't makeup!

— Krusty, you and your stories, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Abe: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it!

— Optimism in old age, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Lenny: All of us guys pitched in and made you a "Get Well" card. Homer: Thanks, guys. [we see the back, it reads "EMERGENCY PROCEDURE - DO NOT REMOVE"] Carl: We had a hell of a time replacing you. [back at the plant, a brick hangs off a switch in Homer's workstation]

— Quality bricks are hard to find, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Barney: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it! Homer: Barney, I'm not getting a sex change! Barney: Huh? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini!

— Send it to Norway, maybe?, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Moe: Hey, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake? Homer: Thanks, Moe. [drinks it] Moe: You know, Homer, that beer ain't free.

— All right, andale, andale, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Homer: Now Marge, if the unthinkable should happen, you're going to be lonely. Marge: Oh Homer, I could never remarry. Homer: Darn right. And to make sure, I want to be stuffed and put on the couch as a constant reminder of our marital oath.

— With glass eyeballs, I bet, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Homer: Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens. Let's see...er...Oh, I'm no good at this. Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear] Homer: Bart, the saddest thing about this is I'm not going to see you grow up...Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear] Homer: ...because I know you gonna turn out well, with or without your old man. Bart: Thanks, Dad. Homer: And Lisa... Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear] Homer: I guess this is the time to tell you... Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear] Homer: ...that you're adopted and I don't like you. [realizes] Bart! Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear] Homer: But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you. Lisa: Oh, Dad. [hugs him]

— Final words, maybe, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Doctor: [on TV] ...and then, you make the incision below the collarbone. [splurt] Nick: Oh, no. Blood!

— They didn't tell me about this in medical school, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Oh, no, someone taped over the end of this!

— Dr. Nick Riviera's poignant observation, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Pumpkinhead: All we ask for is a little dignity and a little respect. Host: [sly] And a new candle every now and then? Pumpkinhead: Yes, and a new -- [realizes] no! [the audience laughs]

— A cheesy talk show, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

This is fascinating, Mom. Did you know they're going to stop Dad's heart for six whole minutes?

— Lisa describes Homer's operation, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Nick: Hi, everybody! Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick! Nick: If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved! One hand washes the other. Oh, that reminds me! [washes his hands] [puts on operating gloves] These gloves came free with my toilet brush!

— The operation begins, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Patty: Marge, this is Andre. Andre: [with attempted sexiness] Hello. Selma: I think you two would make a perfect couple. Marge: My husband is alive! Patty: Oh, so sorry. Hope he pulls through. Andre: Not me.

— Marge waits during Homer's operation, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson. [short silence] Barney: How long has it been? Moe: Six seconds. Barney: Do we have to start over? Moe: Hell no.

— Six, sixty -- what's the difference?, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health? Customer: I need some jerky. Apu: Would you like some vodka with that? Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure.

— Short-lived guilt, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Nick: Calm down, Nick. Just think back to medical school. [a college dorm filled with hippies and junkies] Nick: [younger, to a pretty lady] Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want!

— "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Nick: I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? [removes surgical mask] And where? Lisa: [from the amphitheatre] Hey! The incision should be made _below_ the blockage! Below! Nick: Thanks, little girl!

— Treat children as equals, they're smarter than you think, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

The knee bone's connected to the something, The something is connected to the red thing, The red thing is connected to my wrist watch -- Uh oh.

— Dr. Nick reminds himself how to do medicine, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Nick: Good news! The operation was a complete success! [the ceiling shines]

— And God smiled, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Lisa: All right, Dad! Bart: You rule intensive care!

— "Homer's Triple Bypass"

Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the! Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree!

— Homer sings to himself, "Marge vs. the Monorail"

TOXIC WASTE -- DO NOT EAT.

— Warning labels save lives, "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Smithers: Well, sir, where should we dump <this> batch [of nuclear waste]? Playground? Burns: No. All those bald children are arousing suspicion.

— Monty's kids, "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Heh heh heh. Oh, Andy Capp. You wife-beating drunk. Heh heh heh.

— Homer reads the funnies, "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Quimby: We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the two million dollars. Lisa: Don't you mean <three> million dollars? Quimby: [looks around nervously, adjusts his tie] Of course. <Three> million dollars.

— "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Apu: I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight this year. As a result, I almost missed work. Wiggum: [to himself] Cry-baby.

— "Marge vs. the Monorail"

We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea, and we'll vote for it!

— Mayor Quimby, "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Marge: I still think we ought to spend the money to fix Main Street. Homer: Well, you should've written a song like that guy.

— Another song-and-dance, "Marge vs. the Monorail"

You there, eating the paste.

— Lyle Lanley calls on a student in Lisa's class, "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Lanley: Before we begin, is anyone here an investigative reporter? Man: I am. And she is.

— Why they're still writing for the Springfield Shopper, "Marge vs. the Monorail"

True or false? You can get mono from riding the monorail.

— A difficult question on the MCATs (Monorail Conductors Aptitude Test), "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Homer: Do you want to change your name to Homer, Junior? The kids can call you Ho-Ju! Bart: [appropriate pause] I'll get back to you.

— Not to be confused with Ho-Ho's, "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Marge: According to this book, the monorail goes over 150 miles an hour! What if something goes wrong? Homer: "What if." What if I stepped in the shower and slipped on a bar of soap? ... Oh, my God! I'd get killed!

— "Marge vs. the Monorail"

MONO = ONE RAIL = RAIL

— Lesson at the Lanley Institute of Monorail Conducting, "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Quimby: And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy. Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp Five. [appreciative laughter from the crowd] Quimby: And let me say, "May the Force Be With You!" Nimoy: [annoyed] Do you even know who I am? Quimby: [indignant] I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

— "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Marge: We're too late! Cobb: I <shouldn't> have stopped for that haircut. Sorry.

— Cut, too, the quick, "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Quimby: Watch it, you walking tub of donut batter! Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby. Quimby: You don't scare me. That could be <anyone's> ass!

— "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Homer: Are we gonna die, son? Bart: Yeah, but at least we're going to take a lot of innocent people.

— "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Donuts. Is there anything they <can't> do?

— Homer, "Marge vs. the Monorail"

Announcer: Hey, Lance Murdock, you just jumped sixteen blazing school buses. What are you going to do now? Lance: [groaning] I'm going to... Duff... Gardens!

— Disneyland would be my second choice, "Selma's Choice"

Bart, warm up the car. We're going to Duff Gardens!

— Homer, "Selma's Choice"

Homer: Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth? Bart+Lisa: We're under six. Homer: And I'm a college student! Heh heh heh.

— Sneaky theme park tricks, "Selma's Choice"

Marge: Kids, I have some bad news. I'm afraid your great-aunt Gladys has... passed on. Bart: Gladys, Gladys... big puffy hair, about yea high, big dent in forehead? Marge: No... Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty. Bart: [thinks for a moment] [shudders] Oh yeah, there she is.

— "Selma's Choice"

Marge: The funeral's in Littleneck Falls. I'm afraid we'll have to go to Duff Gardens some other time. Lisa: We understand. Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change. Homer: [pouting] But I want to go to Duff Gardens. Right now! Marge: Homer, quit pouting. Homer: [still pouting] I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

— The trip to Duff Gardens is cancelled, "Selma's Choice"

I'm not pouting. I'm mourning.

— Homer, "Selma's Choice"

Homer: Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. [hugs them] Selma: He's hugging us. What do we do? Patty: Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.

— Homer meets his sisters-in-law, "Selma's Choice"

Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone. Selma: Her legend will live forever. Homer: [imagining] Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman. Homer: [laughs hysterically] Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good! Marge: HOMER! Homer: Wha--? D'oh!

— Talk about a mindslip, "Selma's Choice"

Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep...

— Selma, "Selma's Choice"

He was a caring man, he was a kind man. He gave to his community and asked little in return. He-- [A man whispers something in his ear.] [surprised] That's a _woman_? Oh, dear God!

— The priest delivers his eulogy, "Selma's Choice"

Homer: [thinking] Oh, I thought this thing was going to be catered. Boy, am I hungry. I mean, I'm really, really, hungry. [out loud] It's just not fair, dammit!

— Homer really cared, "Selma's Choice"

Lisa: Good-bye, Aunt Gladys. I wish I had taken some time to get to know you better. Bart: [from behind the coffin] [raspy] Don't worry about it. [Lisa screams and runs away from the coffin] Hahahaha!

— I told you they had eerie powers, "Selma's Choice"

Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?

— Lionel Hutz, "Selma's Choice"

Gladys: I would like to begin by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and...--" [the tape fast-forwards. Homer did the deed.] Marge: Homer! Homer: All in favor of skipping the poem? [everyone but Marge raises their hands] Homer: Thank you. [continues fast-forwarding]

— A boring poem recital, "Selma's Choice"