Movie Trivia

Good evening. Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese? Putting together that excess blubber would fill the Grand Canyon two fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind it is a very big canyon.

— Kent Brockman's report, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

I wish they had never invented fried cheese!

— Marge cries at Homer's funeral (in Lisa's dream), "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich, creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger.

— Homer watches a television advertisement, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk you're running.

— Bart, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

We start with pure milk chocolate... Add a layer of farm-fresh honey... Then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar... And dip it in rich, creamery butter...

— The candy bar from hell, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Lisa: Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight without dieting or lifting a finger? Homer: I'd say you're a lying scumbag!

— You did ask, after all, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Lisa: They'll send you tapes you listen to while you sleep. As you hear New Age music, a powerful message goes to your brain telling you to eat less. Homer: Lose weight <and> listen to New Age music? Wow!

— "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite? Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic repacity knows no satieties.

— Marge buys vocabulary building subliminal tapes by mistake, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Bart: All they do is kiss. Marge: How cute! [turns to leave, then catches herself] They don't open their mouths, do they? Bart: No. Marge: How cute!

— Both feet on the ground, please. "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me since I successfully lobbied to have the school day extended by twenty minutes!

— Martin, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Wow, that really took my mind off those awful transforming space mutants.

— Man to woman in bed, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Mr.Stanky: Samantha, you're my little girl, and sometimes my imagination runs away with me. Just, just tell me what happened. Samantha: Well, Milhouse and I... Mr.Stanky: That's enough!

— Guilt by association, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.

— Milhouse, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Lisa: Hey, Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years, man will have another finger. [shows an artist's conception of a five-fingered hand] Bart: Five fingers? Ewwww! Freak show!

— Only for some, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Homer: Marge, where's that... metal deely... you use to... dig... food... Marge: You mean, a spoon? Homer: Yeah, yeah!

— It was on the tip of my tongue, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Bart: How are we going to find her? Milhouse: She said she'd be wearing a plaid jumper.

— Paying a visit to Saint Sebastian's School for Wicked Girls, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Bart: Hey, Samantha, I'm sorry about getting you thrown in the penguin house. Samantha: That's all right, Bart. I love Saint Sebastian [School]. It's run by a group of French-Canadian nuns. They're very nice, except they never let me ewt.

— "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

One size fits all my butt!

— Homer, "Homer the Heretic"

Bart: Hey, where's Homer? Marge: Your father's ... resting. Bart: Resting hung over? Resting got fired? Help me out, here.

— The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back, "Homer the Heretic"

I'm wizzing with the door open, and I love it!

— Homer Alone, "Homer the Heretic"

Radio: I hope you're somplace warm. Homer: You bet your sweet... [looks around to make sure nobody's around] <ASS!>

— Can I say that on this network? "Homer the Heretic"

Oooooh... Waffle runoff...

— Homer helps himself to leftover waffle batter, "Homer the Heretic"

Mmmm... Fattening...

— Homer enjoys a patented out-of-this-world space-age Moon Waffle, "Homer the Heretic"

Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.

— Bart tells Lisa to stop praying in church, "Homer the Heretic"

Card table for sale, top badly damaged, leg missing, otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer.

— Advertisement in the church bulletin, "Homer the Heretic"

Moe is their leader.

— Homer's analysis of The Three Stooges, "Homer the Heretic"

We interrupt this public affairs program in order to bring you a football game.

— "Homer the Heretic"

Oh, Doctor! A 98-yard triple-reverse ties the score at 63--63! We have seen nothing but razzle-dazzle here today, three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit, and the surprising return of Jim Brown!

— Keith Jackson calls the football game, "Homer the Heretic"

Could this be the best day of my life? [thought balloon: Homer weds Marge] [thought balloon: Homer dances as an overturned beer truck sprays its contents like a fountain] a new champion!

— Homer, "Homer the Heretic"

I, on the other hand, have been having a wonderful day, and I owe it all to skipping church!

— Homer, "Homer the Heretic"

Marge: Are you actually giving up your faith? Homer: [backpedaling] No! No-no-no-no-no no! [pause] Well, yes.

— "Homer the Heretic"

And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week, we're just making God madder and madder!

— Homer, "Homer the Heretic"

God: Thou hast forsaken My Church! Homer: [in fear] Uh, kind-of... b-but... God: But what! Homer: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell? God: [pause] Hmm... You've got a point there.

— "Homer the Heretic"

You know, sometimes even <I'd> rather be watching football...

— God chats with Homer about missing church on Sunday, "Homer the Heretic"

God: Does Saint Louis still have a team? Homer: Naw, they moved to Phoenix. God: Oh. Right.

— God and Homer talk about the important things in life, "Homer the Heretic"

That Reverend Lovejoy <really> displeases Me. I think I'll give him a canker sore.

— God, "Homer the Heretic"

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico.

— God takes his leave, "Homer the Heretic"

Lisa: Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy? Homer: Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed.

— Always have a backup plan, "Homer the Heretic"

Marge: Reverend Lovejoy, I had a bit of an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner. Rev. Lovejoy: [surprised and angry] What!?

— "Homer the Heretic"

Homer: God Himself told me I should seek a new path. Rev. Lovejoy: [suspicious] Oh, really... Homer: Yeah. He appeared before me in a dream, and I knew that was special because I usually dream about naked... [off Marge's glare] Marge.

— "Homer the Heretic"

Perfect teeth. Nice smell. A class act, all the way.

— Homer describes God, "Homer the Heretic"

Rev. Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "A foolish man who who built his house on sand." Homer: And <you> remember... Matthew ... 21:17! Rev. Lovejoy: "And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there"? Homer: Yeah... [regains his nerve] Think about it!

— Dueling scriptures with an unloaded gun, "Homer the Heretic"

Dad, the heathen's getting away!

— Todd Flanders, "Homer the Heretic"

Kids, let me tell you about another so-called [makes quotation marks with fingers] "wicked" guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas. He didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... I forget that, too. Marge, you know what I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car?

— Homer's parable of the guy in the blue car, "Homer the Heretic"

Marge: Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win. Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...

— They're all against me, "Homer the Heretic"

"Our unabashed dictionary defines IUD as `love springs internal'." Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! ... I don't get it.

— Homer reads "Playdude" magazine, "Homer the Heretic"

Homer: Wait a minute, is this a religious thing? Krusty: A religious <clown> think, yes.

— Krusty collects for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns, "Homer the Heretic"

Please do not offer my god a peanut.

— Apu, "Homer the Heretic"

[angrily] Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and [brightly] come again!

— Apu, "Homer the Heretic"

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

— Homer Simpson, "Homer the Heretic"

Aaaaaugh! [finds himself in the middle of a fire] What do I do? What do I do? [cough cough] Oh, the song. The song. [sings] When the fire starts to burn, There's a lesson you must learn. Something something, then you'll see: You'll avoid catastrophe! [realizes] D'oh!

— Homer's lesson for the day, "Homer the Heretic"

Homer: Flanders, you saved me! Why? Ned: Heck! You'd'a done the same for me. Homer: [thought balloon: Ned screams for help, trapped in his house. Homer lounges in his hammock chuckling.] That's right, old friend.

— "Homer the Heretic"

Our magazines and roach traps... Gone! All gone!

— Homer remains in a state of shock after the house fire, "Homer the Heretic"

Insurance agent: Any valuables in the house? Homer: Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars... Insurance agent: Sorry, this policy only covers actualy losses, not made-up stuff. Homer: [miffed] Well that's just great!

— "Homer the Heretic"

Brockman: Fire, Man's Oldest Foe. Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable. Wiggum: Hey, it's out! [cheers] Brockman: [brightly] Coming up next: Which work better? Spring clothespins or the other kind?

— "Homer the Heretic"

The Lord is veangeful. [falls to his knees] Oh Spiteful One, Show me who to smite, and he shall be smoten!

— Homer, "Homer the Heretic"

Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire. Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He <was> working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ... miscellaneous. Apu: Hindu! There <are> 700 million of us. Rev. Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.

— "Homer the Heretic"

Homer: I was rude to every one of you, and you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am. Marge: Aw, Homer, I'm so glad to hear you say that.

— "Homer the Heretic"

Don't worry, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year.

— God, "Homer the Heretic"

Homer: What's the meaning of life? God: Homer, I can't tell you that. You'll find out when you die. Homer: I can't wait that long! God: You can't wait six months?

— "Homer the Heretic"

One size fits all my butt!

— Homer, "Homer the Heretic"

Bart: Hey, where's Homer? Marge: Your father's ... resting. Bart: Resting hung over? Resting got fired? Help me out, here.

— The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back, "Homer the Heretic"

I'm wizzing with the door open, and I love it!

— Homer Alone, "Homer the Heretic"

Radio: I hope you're somplace warm. Homer: You bet your sweet... [looks around to make sure nobody's around] <ASS!>

— Can I say that on this network? "Homer the Heretic"

Oooooh... Waffle runoff...

— Homer helps himself to leftover waffle batter, "Homer the Heretic"

Mmmm... Fattening...

— Homer enjoys a patented out-of-this-world space-age Moon Waffle, "Homer the Heretic"

Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.

— Bart tells Lisa to stop praying in church, "Homer the Heretic"

Card table for sale, top badly damaged, leg missing, otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer.

— Advertisement in the church bulletin, "Homer the Heretic"

Moe is their leader.

— Homer's analysis of The Three Stooges, "Homer the Heretic"

We interrupt this public affairs program in order to bring you a football game.

— "Homer the Heretic"

Oh, Doctor! A 98-yard triple-reverse ties the score at 63--63! We have seen nothing but razzle-dazzle here today, three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit, and the surprising return of Jim Brown!

— Keith Jackson calls the football game, "Homer the Heretic"

Could this be the best day of my life? [thought balloon: Homer weds Marge] [thought balloon: Homer dances as an overturned beer truck sprays its contents like a fountain] a new champion!

— Homer, "Homer the Heretic"

I, on the other hand, have been having a wonderful day, and I owe it all to skipping church!

— Homer, "Homer the Heretic"

Marge: Are you actually giving up your faith? Homer: [backpedaling] No! No-no-no-no-no no! [pause] Well, yes.

— "Homer the Heretic"

And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week, we're just making God madder and madder!

— Homer, "Homer the Heretic"

God: Thou hast forsaken My Church! Homer: [in fear] Uh, kind-of... b-but... God: But what! Homer: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell? God: [pause] Hmm... You've got a point there.

— "Homer the Heretic"

You know, sometimes even <I'd> rather be watching football...

— God chats with Homer about missing church on Sunday, "Homer the Heretic"

God: Does Saint Louis still have a team? Homer: Naw, they moved to Phoenix. God: Oh. Right.

— God and Homer talk about the important things in life, "Homer the Heretic"

That Reverend Lovejoy <really> displeases Me. I think I'll give him a canker sore.

— God, "Homer the Heretic"

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico.

— God takes his leave, "Homer the Heretic"

Lisa: Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy? Homer: Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed.

— Always have a backup plan, "Homer the Heretic"

Marge: Reverend Lovejoy, I had a bit of an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner. Rev. Lovejoy: [surprised and angry] What!?

— "Homer the Heretic"

Homer: God Himself told me I should seek a new path. Rev. Lovejoy: [suspicious] Oh, really... Homer: Yeah. He appeared before me in a dream, and I knew that was special because I usually dream about naked... [off Marge's glare] Marge.

— "Homer the Heretic"

Perfect teeth. Nice smell. A class act, all the way.

— Homer describes God, "Homer the Heretic"

Rev. Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "A foolish man who who built his house on sand." Homer: And <you> remember... Matthew ... 21:17! Rev. Lovejoy: "And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there"? Homer: Yeah... [regains his nerve] Think about it!

— Dueling scriptures with an unloaded gun, "Homer the Heretic"

Dad, the heathen's getting away!

— Todd Flanders, "Homer the Heretic"

Kids, let me tell you about another so-called [makes quotation marks with fingers] "wicked" guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas. He didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... I forget that, too. Marge, you know what I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car?

— Homer's parable of the guy in the blue car, "Homer the Heretic"

Marge: Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win. Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...

— They're all against me, "Homer the Heretic"

"Our unabashed dictionary defines IUD as `love springs internal'." Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! ... I don't get it.

— Homer reads "Playdude" magazine, "Homer the Heretic"

Homer: Wait a minute, is this a religious thing? Krusty: A religious <clown> think, yes.

— Krusty collects for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns, "Homer the Heretic"

Please do not offer my god a peanut.

— Apu, "Homer the Heretic"

[angrily] Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and [brightly] come again!

— Apu, "Homer the Heretic"

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

— Homer Simpson, "Homer the Heretic"

Aaaaaugh! [finds himself in the middle of a fire] What do I do? What do I do? [cough cough] Oh, the song. The song. [sings] When the fire starts to burn, There's a lesson you must learn. Something something, then you'll see: You'll avoid catastrophe! [realizes] D'oh!

— Homer's lesson for the day, "Homer the Heretic"

Homer: Flanders, you saved me! Why? Ned: Heck! You'd'a done the same for me. Homer: [thought balloon: Ned screams for help, trapped in his house. Homer lounges in his hammock chuckling.] That's right, old friend.

— "Homer the Heretic"

Our magazines and roach traps... Gone! All gone!

— Homer remains in a state of shock after the house fire, "Homer the Heretic"

Insurance agent: Any valuables in the house? Homer: Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars... Insurance agent: Sorry, this policy only covers actualy losses, not made-up stuff. Homer: [miffed] Well that's just great!

— "Homer the Heretic"

Brockman: Fire, Man's Oldest Foe. Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable. Wiggum: Hey, it's out! [cheers] Brockman: [brightly] Coming up next: Which work better? Spring clothespins or the other kind?

— "Homer the Heretic"

The Lord is veangeful. [falls to his knees] Oh Spiteful One, Show me who to smite, and he shall be smoten!

— Homer, "Homer the Heretic"

Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire. Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He <was> working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ... miscellaneous. Apu: Hindu! There <are> 700 million of us. Rev. Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.

— "Homer the Heretic"

Homer: I was rude to every one of you, and you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am. Marge: Aw, Homer, I'm so glad to hear you say that.

— "Homer the Heretic"

Don't worry, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year.

— God, "Homer the Heretic"

Homer: What's the meaning of life? God: Homer, I can't tell you that. You'll find out when you die. Homer: I can't wait that long! God: You can't wait six months?

— "Homer the Heretic"

Captain's Log, Stardate 6051: Had trouble sleeping last night; my hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain, but nobody listens.

— "Star Trek XII: So Very Tired", "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Sulu: Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow. Kirk: [covering his face in annoyance] Again with the Klingons...

— "Star Trek XII: So Very Tired", "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Movies! What a rip-off! I don't have to stand here and take this. I... [zzzzzzz]

— Grampa Simpson, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner. Lisa: What are we gonna have? Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison. Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad? Bart: Poison pizza. Homer: Oh, no! I'm not making two stops!

— "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Homer: I'm thinking of a number between one and fifty. Marge: Is it 37? Homer: D'oh! ... I mean.... No.

— A numbers racket, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities: Synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots. Replacing my birth-control pills with Tic-Tacs.

— Mrs. Krabappel reads the charges, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's. Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide.

— Homer Simpson's guide to raising children, The Movie"

"My child is on the honor roll at Springfield Elementary". You know, I thought I'd never find a replacement for my `Where's the Beef?' bumper sticker.

— Homer, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

I will try to raise a better child.

— Marge's blackboard punishment, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

He's the boy you love to hate!

— Homer on Bart, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Ms. Krabappel: I believe that with persistent discipline, even the poorest student can end up becoming, oh, say, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Homer: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What great men he would join. John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Burgher... Mmmmmmm... Burgher...

— Don't forget Justice Frankfurter, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Boy, time really flies when you're reading... [sees what he's holding] The Bible!? Ewww....

— Bart, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home. Grampa: You already put me in a home. Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on Sixty Minutes! Grampa: [meekly] I'll be good.

— "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours.

— Homer's punishment for Bart, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Homer: Boy, you're gonna have to be punished for this. Bart: Dad, you <could> punish me, but that means you have to think of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it... Homer: [whining] Aw... Bart: Or... you could let me go play with Milhouse, while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sit-coms. [turns on the TV. Bumble-Bee Man is on] Homer: Hee hee hee. Run along, you little scamp.

— The art of persuasion, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

— Homer's tips on getting out of jury duty, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

We got beets!

— Lisa, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Marge: Do you want your son to become become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper! Homer: <Now> who's being na"{\i}ve?

— "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Kent: Tonight on "Eye on Springfield", we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years! Man: [hic!] Kill me! [hic] Kill me!

— "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

I'm here, live in Korea, to give you a first-hand look at how American cartoons are made!

— Kent Brockman, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Homer: Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie? Bart: Sounds like something you'd say...

— "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Oh no! Beta!

— Snake inspects his haul, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son. Bart: Not bloody likely.

— "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage. Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story? Homer: [cheerily] I like stories.

— "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

TV sucks.

— Bart, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

You wouldn't believe the celebrities who did cameos! Dustin Hoffman, Michael Jackson. Of course, they didn't use their real names, but you could tell it was them.

— Lisa watches... "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Marge: Homer, I'd like to talk to you. Homer: But then I won't be watching TV!

— "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Lisa: He has the demented melancholy of a Tennessee Williams heroine! Homer: Don't you think I know that?

— Well, honestly... No, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

One senior citizen and one Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

— Justice Bart Simpson buys movie tickets, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Mmm... Soylent Green.

— Homer, "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie"

Good Eeevening. I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some *crybabies* out there, religious types mostly, who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now.

— Homer Simpson, "Treehouse of Horror III"

Marge: Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"? Homer: Noooo. I swear on this Bible! Marge: That's not a Bible; that's a book of carpet samples! Homer: Ooooh... Fuzzy.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Homer: Behold mighty Caesar! [sheet catches on a nail] In all his glory! [kids laugh at the Emperor's new clothes] D'oh!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Martin: I am Calliope, the muse of heroic poetry! Nelson: No kiddin'! [kidney-punches Martin]

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Bart: [English accent] Stupid party, wish we were trick or treat'n. Marge: Now Bart, you can find just as much horror around the house.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Bart: Yo, Mom! We haven't got the eyeballs yet. Marge: [aims the flashlight at Homer, who is eating the ghoulish snacks] Homer, you're ruining it! Homer: Yeah, well... It was an evil game.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Homer: That's not so scary. Lisa: A doll... From *Hell*! Homer: [cowardly] I'm gonna go to the store... Lisa: [laughs evilly]

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

The Government. I didn't earn it; I don't need it; but if they miss one payment, I'll raise HELL!

— Grampa Simpson's money source, "Treehouse of Horror III"

Bart: Hey Homer, where's your present? Homer: D'oh! I mean... D`oh-n't worry son, I forgot to get you a present. But I swear on my father's grave-- Abe: Hey!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call "Frogurt"!

— Proprietor of the 'House of Evil', "Treehouse of Horror III"

Owner: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse! Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad. Owner: But it comes with a free Frogurt! Homer: [relieved] That's good. Owner: The Frogurt is also cursed. Homer: [worried] That's bad. Owner: But you get your choice of topping! Homer: [relieved] That's good. Owner: The toppings contains Potassium Benzoate. Homer: [stares] Owner: That's bad.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Abe: [shouting] That doll is *Evil*, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeeeviillll!!! Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents. Abe: [whines] I just want attention.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

...and in environmental news, scientists have announced that Springfield's air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.

— Kent Brockman, "Treehouse of Horror III"

Doll: I'm Krusty the Klown and I don't like you. Homer: Heh heh heh heh. Doll: I'm Krusty the Klown and I'm going to *kill* you! Homer: Hee hee hee. Didn't even pull the string that time. Doll: I said I was going to kill you! [points finger] YOU! Homer Simpson!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Marge: Homer, what's wrong? Homer: [pointing to the harmless doll] That doll tried to kill me! Bart: I'd say the pressure has finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R. My baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R...

— Homer Simpson in the bath, "Treehouse of Horror III"

There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

— Patty upon seeing Homer naked, "Treehouse of Horror III"

Hey baby! Get comfortable. Relaaax. It's a little hot for that cheerleader outfit, don't you think?

— The Evil Krusty Doll to Malibu Stacey, "Treehouse of Horror III"

You think your dirty socks can stop me?! Well, they *are* making me... dizzy. Ooooohhh..

— The Evil Krusty Doll trapped in a laundry bag, "Treehouse of Horror III"

Man: I was a fool to think that anyone would want nude photos of Whoopi Goldberg. [pit rejects the photos] What the--?

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Doll: Guess who, Fat boy!! Homer: [blinded, bumping around, with the doll strapped to his head] Marge! Marge! Look! Marge: [from the kitchen] Oh, my God! Homer: [staggering into the kitchen] The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughin' at me!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Your doll is trying to kill my husband! [pause] Yes, I'll hold.

— Marge calls the hotline, "Treehouse of Horror III"

[pointing to a Good/Evil switch on the back of the doll] Yup, here's your problem. Someone set this thing to "Evil".

— Krusty Co. repairman, "Treehouse of Horror III"

Doll: Here you go, buddy. Homer: Did you walk the dog? Doll: Yeah, he buried me a couple of times. Homer: Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk. Doll: [grumbles, sotto voce] Yeah, you stupid idiot.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Oooh, what a day. Homer made me give him a sponge bath [shudders] But coming home to you makes it all worthwhile.

— Krusty Doll to Malibu Stacey, "Treehouse of Horror III"

Homer: ...and his _wife_ comes through the door! Bart: [bored] So? Homer: Did I mention that she was dead? Lisa: No. Homer: Well, she was. Aaaand she hit him in the head with a *golf-club*! Bart: And? Homer: Don't you remember? He went golfing all the time and it really bugged her. Lisa: You said he went bowling! Abe: Homer! I've coughed up scarier stuff than that!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Bart: Grandpa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life. Abe: [resentfully] That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a *lot* of movies...

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Marge: My name is Marge Bouvier. I'm here about your ad [in the newspaper she is holding]: "Single white female wanted for mysterious expedition. Must like monkeys. Non-smoker preferred." Burns: Well, you'd be a welcome change of pace from the rest of these crude and uncouth sailors.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Burns: What do you think, Smithers? Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix. Burns: We *know* what you think!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Karl: Hey, I heard we're goin' to Ape Island. Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. Karl: I wished we were going to Candy Apple Island. Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there? Karl: Apes. But they're not so big.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Otto: Hey, who's this "Homer" dude? Burns: He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape, or a tourist trap concocted by the Ape Island Jaycees. Either way, we're going ashore. Marge: [walks into scene] Am I going too? Burns: Of course. We wouldn't think of going without the bait-- uhh, that is, the bait-thing beauty. The bathing beauty! [to himself] Heh heh. I covered that up pretty well.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Chief: Mosi Tatupu! Mosi Tatupu! (translation: The Blue-haired woman will make a good sacrifice.) Marge: What's he saying? Burns: He's saying "We wouldn't *dream* of sacrificing the blue-haired woman."

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Smithers, this is a golden opportunity! If we can get him alive, we can put him on Broadway! Dead, we'll sell monkey stew to the Army!

— Monty Burns on 'King Homer', "Treehouse of Horror III"

Reporter: What kind of show you got for us, Mr. Burns? Burns: Well, the Ape's going to stand around for three hours or so. Then we'll close with the ethnic comedy of Duggan and Dirschwitz. Reporter: Sen-sational!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Burns: Ladies and gentlemen! In his native land he was a King! But he comes before you in chains for your own amusement! Presenting Homer! The Eighth Wonder of the World!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Marge: I think you're making him angry... Reporter: [derisively] C'mon, what's he gonna do? Run amok in downtown Springfield?

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Y'know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people...

— Marge Simpson to 'King Homer', "Treehouse of Horror III"

Marge: [feeling for Homer's breath with her hand] He's not dead! Burns: No, but his career is. I remember when Al Jolson ran amok at the Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler building. Homer: [moans] Marge: Don't worry, Homey. I'll take care of you.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Man: Awwwwwwooo Ooooooogh! kids: [all screaming] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Ned: Hi kids! Did I scaredly-dare you? Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders. But I've got a story so scary you'll wet your pants! Abe: Too late. [kids shift away]

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Bart: From A-Apple to Z-Zebra, Baby's First Pop-up book is 26 pages of alphabetic adventure! Mrs.K: Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers? Bart: Well, most of it.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Book: [Title: "The Time Life Book of Magic and Spells, Vol.II" Bart opens the book and four apparitions appear from the pages] Evil!...EVIL!...MADNESS!...Beware!...BEWARE! Bart: Cool! [slams book shut] Book: Oww!...OWWW!...oww!...OWWW!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Bart: Chapter 8; Let's talk zombies. If a zombie bites you, you'll become a zombie. You must walk the earth, feeding on the brains of the living until the spell is broken. Lisa: [annoyed] Bart, please. Don't you remember that Snowball 1 died four years ago tonight? Run over by the Mayor's beer-swilling brother, Clovis. Bart: Hey, maybe there's a spell in here that will bring her back from the dead? [Lisa stares as Bart flips through the pages] Let's see what we got. How to get your skeletons their whitest. Selling your soul in a buyers' market. Ahh, here we are: How to raise the dead. [laughs insanely; lightning flashes add to the effect]

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Bart: [raising a hand in air] Collin..Rayburn..Nars..Trebek! [lightning] [raising both hands] Zabars..Kresge..Caldor..Walmart!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Lisa: [staring at SB1's grave-marker] It's not working. [sighs] [notices zombies] Bart! You cast the wrong spell -- ZOMBIES! Bart: Please Lis, they preferred to be called the `Living Impaired'.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Ned: Well how'd strangers, what can I do you for? Zombies: BRAINS! BRAINS! BRAINS! Ned: Well Sue Dolkes, you rascal. [chuckle] I thought you were dead.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: [eating pork rinds, frowns] Did you wreck the car? Bart: Nooo! Homer: [frowns] Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yesss! Homer: [more frowns] But the car's okay? Keds: Uh-huh. Homer: [relieved] All right then.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Zombie Skinner: Martin Prince, report to my office at once... [turns around, revealing ghastly features] and bring that big juicy chess club brain of yours... [licking his lips] Mmmmm!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Zombie Krusty: To enter, send me your parents' brains. Or write "Parents' brains" on a three by five card, and send it to...

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Marge: [interrupting] Homer, did you barricade the door? Homer: Why? Oh, the Zombies.. No. [the back door collapses inward] Family: [seeing the zombies] Aaaaaaaagggggggh!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Bart: I thought dabbling in the Black Arts would be good for a chuckle, how wrong I was. I should have never read that book. Lisa: Bart, maybe the library has another book that will reverse the spell? Marge: It's our only hope! Homer: [cocking a shotgun] To the book depository!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Zombie Flanders: Hey Simpson! I'm feeling a mite peckish. [sinisterly] Mind if I chew your EAR?

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders! Homer: He was a Zombie!?

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

KZMB, All Zombie Radio. Grrrrrrrrrr!

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Alien1: The zombies have the Earthlings on the run. Alien2: Soon the human race will wither and fold. Like the Earth plums we've seen on the Observe-a-scope.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Homer: [shocked] Barney, not you too?! Barney: I'm not a Zombie, but hey, when in Rome...

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Homer: Take that, Washington! Eat lead, Einstein! Show's over, Shakespeare! Will: [collapsing dramatically] Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Bart: Kolchak..Mannix..Banacek..Dano! [-poof- Lisa turns into a snail] Lisa: What's wrong? Bart: I never realized what a beautiful young woman you've become. Lisa: Ahh. [blushes]

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Zombie1: See you in hell. Zombie2: Still pushing that boulder? Zombie1: Uh huh.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Quimby: The, aw, Zombies that plagued our town are now just corpses rotting in our streets. Crowd: [cheers]

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Marge: Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies. Bart: [zombie-like] Shhhhh... T V. Homer: [zombie-like] MAN..FALL..DOWN.....FUNNY! Family: [zombie-like] MMMMMM.

— "Treehouse of Horror III"

Oakley-Doakley-Do!

— Ned Flanders, "Marge Gets a Job"

Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as "Mothballing Your Battleship" and "Dig Your Own Grave, And Save!"

— "Marge Gets a Job"

Now, over the next six hours, I'll be going over the Do's and Do-Not-Do's of foundation repair.

— Troy McClure's instructional video, "Marge Gets a Job"

Troy: Now, do you hav extruded poly-vinyl foam insulation? Homer: No. Troy: Good.

— Homer improvement, "Marge Gets a Job"

... leaving the Vice President in charge.

— Kent Brockman's news report, "Marge Gets a Job"

Marge, it'll cost eighty-five hundred dollars! We only have five hundred in the bank, and that leaves... eighty-hundred we need.

— Carry the ten, "Marge Gets a Job"

March 15th. I wish I brought a TV. Oh God, how I miss TV!

— Homer's journal of life in the woods, "Marge Gets a Job"