Movie Trivia

I'll bet they get all kinds of girls!

— Nelson is awed by a yo-yo demonstration, "Bart the Lover"

Homer: Can you believe it!? Pretty soon, I'll be able to quit my job and live off the boy! Marge: What? Name me one person who's gotten rich by doing yo-yo tricks! Homer: [thinks] Donald Trump? ... No. Arnold Palmer? ... No. Bill Cosby! ... No. [out loud] D'oh!

— "Bart the Lover"

Ms.K: [reading] After two months at sea, the Pilgrims were running out of food and water. [Nelson raises his hand] Yes, Nelson Nelson: Did they have any have yo-yo's? Ms.K: [exasperated] No, they did not have yo-yo's. [continues reading] When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the friendly Wampanog Indians. Milhouse: [raises his hand] Did the Indians have yo-yo's? Ms.K: [snaps] No, they did not have yo-yo's! [slams book closed] That's it! [slams book onto her desk] I am getting sick and tired of talking about yo-yo's. From now on, I will not accept any book reports, science projects, dioramas, or anything else on yo-yo's or yo-yo-related topics. Am I making myself clear? Bart: Yo!

— Yo, mama. "Bart the Lover"

Milhouse: Hey Bart, got any new tricks for us today? Bart: Just one. A little something I call "Plucking the Pickle".

— "Bart the Lover"

I didn't do it.

— Bart, caught red-handed, "Bart the Lover"

Willy: Don't you worry about your wee fish, lass. They're goin' to a better place. [takes them out of the room] [a toilet flushes]

— To that big fishtank in the sky, "Bart the Lover"

Ms.K: Bart, if I were you and you were me, would you give back the yo-yo? Bart: [imagines himself, yo-yo in hand. Ms. Krabappel is inches tall] Here ya go. Ms.K: [jumps] Bart: [pulls it out if reach] Just kidding. [drops the yo-yo] Here ya go. Ms.K: [jumps] Bart: [pulls it out if reach] Just kidding. Ha-ha-ha. [end of dream] Ms.K: Well, would you? Bart: Absolutely!

— "Bart the Lover"

Ms.H: Edna, Happy Hour in the teachers' lounge. Ms.K: Just a sec! [scribbles `B' atop all the essays]

— There's a time for quality and a time for quantity, "Bart the Lover"

1 + 1 = 2? Recently divorced 4th grade teacher wishes to meet man age: 18-60 Object: SAVE ME Write: Edna K Box 402

— Ms. Krabappel's personal ad, "Bart the Lover"

Marge: I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50. Homer: [sigh] Marge, you're a tool of doghouse makers. Marge: I am not! Homer: Yes, you are. You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse commercials on TV.

— That's a load of rich creamery butter... "Bart the Lover"

Homer: I'll build him a doghouse. [starts sketching] Marge: Oh, I don't know... Homer: Don't worry, I just drew up a little blueprint. Let me walk you through it. [shows his sketch, quality rivaling that of a 4-year-old] This is the door. He goes through that. ... This is the roof. ... This happy character here is the sun. He shines down on the house, see?

— The best-laid plans, "Bart the Lover"

How was detention today, dear?

— Marge's motherly concern, "Bart the Lover"

I'm starting to get the hang of the floor-waxer.

— Bart returns from another day of detention, "Bart the Lover"

You've got a date with the Xeros machine!

— Bart receives a sexy photo of Ms. Krabappel, "Bart the Lover"

A fella came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar? Well, sir, I gave him three quarters by mistake. Took me the whole afternoon to track him down!

— Ned Flanders, "Bart the Lover"

Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables? Todd: Hell, no! Ned+Maude+Rod: [gasp!] Maude: What did you say? Todd: I said I didn't want any damn vegetables. Ned: All right, that's it, young man. No Bible stories for you tonight! Todd: [leaves, crying] Maude: [to Ned] Weren't you a little hard on him? Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

— Dinner at the Flanders' house, "Bart the Lover"

Rev.L: [reluctantly, to phone] Hello, Ned. Ned: Sorry to bother you, Rev. Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables. Rev.L: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus? Ned: No, no, Reverend, the point is, he said a `bad word'! Rev.L: [realizes] Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from <someplace>. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible. Ned: <Where> in the Bible? Rev.L: Uh... Page 900. [quickly hangs up] Ned: But Rever--- [click] Rev.L: [looks down at his dessert, which has melted] Damn Flanders.

— "Bart the Lover"

Bart: Hey, Lis. A moment of your time. Lisa: [stops playing her sax] Yeah? Bart: Suppose I was writing my <second> letter to a girl, and I already used up my A-material. What should I say? Lisa: [teasing] Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? [puts down he sax, bats her eyelashes coyly] Bart: Oh, please. Lisa: Is it Sherri? Bart: No. Lisa: Is it Terri? Bart: No! Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy eyepatch? Bart: No! Lisa: Is it that exchange student, M!pa? Bart: No!! It's <not> for me. It's... homework. Lisa: Sure it is. Hey Bart, [teasing, makes goo-goo eyes] let's do some homework! [puckers up] Bart: [finally fed up, pushes Lisa aside]

— "Bart the Lover"

Todd: [watches `Gomer Pyle' on television] Ned: Is this <all> he watches? Maude: Well, he used to watch `Davey and Goliath', but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.

— The House of the Lord, "Bart the Lover"

[sloppily scrawled] Maybe it's the beer talking Marge but you got a butt that won't quit. they got those big chewy pretzels here merJanthfgrr five dollars??!!!? get outta here [scrawl]

— Homer's single love letter (postcard) to Marge, "Bart the Lover"

Dear Edna, Your photo took my breath away. Truly yours is a butt that won't quit. Yesterday morning, I put your picture up in my garage to inspire me while I gapped my spark plugs.

— Bart's second letter to Ms. Krabappel, "Bart the Lover"

Rod: At last we built the mission. Todd: Finally, the villagers have a place to pray. Rod: [sings] Bringing in the sheaves! Todd: [sings] Bringing in the sheaves! Rod+Todd: We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves!

— "Bart the Lover"

Ned: Homer, I'm afriad I've got a bone to pick with you. Homer: Look, if it's about the camcorder, I <lost> it, okay?

— "Bart the Lover"

Ned: I'm talking about your, heh heh, potty-mouth. Homer: What the hell are you talking about?

— "Bart the Lover"

All of us pull a few `boners' now and then, go off `half-cocked', make `asses' of ourselves. I don't want to be `hard on' you...

— Ned Flanders talks to Homer about his foul language, "Bart the Lover"

Ned: I just wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boy. Homer: Oh, come on, Flanders. I don't complain about your... ... moustache! Ned: What's wrong with my moustache? Homer: Makes it look like you got something to hide. Ned: What!? Homer: [privately] People are talking... Lots of people.

— "Bart the Lover"

Homer: Hey, Marge. You wanna hear something funny? Flanders thinks I swear too much! Hee-hee! ... Marge, you're not laughing. Marge: Well, you know, maybe he's right. Homer: Well, what a surprise! Marge sticks up for Flanders! Can we have <one> conversation where you don't bring up your hero, Ned Flanders? Marge: Actually, Homer, <you> brought up Ned Flan--- Homer: Look, we're past that.

— "Bart the Lover"

When my father got out of the Navy, he cursed a blue streak. It nearly cost him his job as a baby photographer.

— Marge talks to Homer about his swearing, "Bart the Lover"

Ms.K: [writing] When I read your letters, I feel as if you are right here watching me. [looks up, Bart is watching her]

— "Bart the Lover"

I can't help but feel partly responsible.

— Bart, completely responsible, "Bart the Lover"

Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life. And that's so depressing, I think I'm going to cry. [she cries]

— Ms. Krabappel, dumped again, "Bart the Lover"

Gasp! Beer! How did you know!

— Homer receives a surprise gift, "Bart the Lover"

This is your teacher!? I should start going to Parents' Night. [growls]

— Homer sees Bart's photo of a sexy Ms. Krabappel, "Bart the Lover"

Homer: Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth! Marge: No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her! Homer: Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!

— The secret to a long-lasting marriage, "Bart the Lover"

Step aside! Sensitive love letters are my specialty!

— Homer offers to help Bart write a love letter, "Bart the Lover"

Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpville. Population---You.

— Homer helps Bart write a letter, "Bart the Lover"

Bart: How about, "Crocodiles bit off my face." Marge: That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman lives a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodiles bit off his face. Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.

— "Bart the Lover"

Three simple words: I am gay.

— Homer helps Bart write a letter, "Bart the Lover"

Employee: I don't need your crummy job, Mr. Employer! I've won the lottery! Employer: Well, who needs employees? I won the lottery, too! [two window washers descend on a scaffold, each with a huge bag of cash (money overflowing) at his feet] Window washers: We both won the lottery! All: [to camera] Why don't you win the lottery, too! Announcer: The state lottery, where everybody wins! (actual odds of winning, one in 380,000,000.)

— Truth in advertising, "Dog of Death"

Bleah. The state lottery. Exploiter of the poor and ignorant. [turns on his neon sign: BEER IS THE ANSWER]

— Moe scoffs at a lottery advertisement, "Dog of Death"

[on the phone] Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast! How old are you? ... [jots it down] Uh huh. And what's your birthday? ... [jots it down] No kidding. And what's Lisa's birthday? ... What? You don't know your sister's birthday?? What kind of brother are you!

— Homer catches lottery fever, "Dog of Death"

Apu: Snap on your bulletproof vest, Sanjay, it's time for another bank run. Sanjay: All right. But if I don't make it, promise you won't sleep with my wife. Apu: I promise nothing.

— Read my lips, no lewd lapses, "Dog of Death"

Homer: You'll never guess what happened, Marge. Are you ready? I have a feeling that we may win... the lottery!! Marge: But we never, ever... Homer: I know you're excited, but calm down and listen to me carefully...

— Brimming with excitement, "Dog of Death"

Marge: Homer, we're on a tight budget, here. Promise me you won't get carried away. Homer: Yes, money. ... I mean, honey.

— Homer catches lottery fever, "Dog of Death"

Kent: But there's already one big winner: Our state school system, which gets fully half the profits from the library. Skinner: [talking with his teachers] Just think what we can buy with that money... History books that know how the Korean War came out. Math books that don't have that base six crap in them! And a state-of-the-art detention hall [holds up a scale model] where children are held in place with magnets. Teacher: [to no one in particular] Magnets. Always with the magnets...

— "Dog of Death"

Kent: We now take you to the [lottery] drawing, live. I hope you've got <your> tickets. I've got mine. [at the police station, everyone's watching. The phone rings.] Eddie: They're about to start, Chief. Wiggum: [answers the phone] No, you got the wrong number. This is nine-one....two.

— Lottery fever, "Dog of Death"

If you were seventeen, we'd be rich! But nooooooooooo... You had to be ten.

— Homer scolds Bart, whose age he used to select his losing lottery numbers, "Dog of Death"

I'm tired of this conversation. Let's talk about something else. I'm going home.

— Grampa Simpson, "Dog of Death"

I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie heaven. In doggie heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt!

— Homer talks to Bart when SLH falls ill, "Dog of Death"

Bart: Is there a doggie hell? Homer: Well... Of course, there couldn't be a heaven if there weren't a hell. Bart: Who's in there? Homer: Oh, uh... Hitler's dog... and that dog Nixon had, what's his name, um, Chester... Lisa: [annoyed] Checkers. Homer: Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one! The one that mauled Jimmy!

— Are there pirates in doggie hell? "Dog of Death"

Marge: Honey, $750 is a lot of money. We really can't afford this operation. Bart: You're gonna just let him [SLH] die? Marge: I know you're upset... Bart: Darn right, I'm upset! Marge: Bart, watch your language! ... Oh, you did. Sorry.

— Save it for later, "Dog of Death"

Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns. Burns: Nonsense. Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say? Smithers: ... If <you> did it, sir?

— A tough question, "Dog of Death"

Marge: I found a way to stretch the food budget. Fried chicken night will now be organ meat night. Ham night will be Spam night. And pork chop night... Homer: [whining, fearing the worst] Oh... Marge: ... will now be chub night. Homer: Chub!? I don't even know what that is!

— Neither do I, "Dog of Death"

Marge, I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats!

— Homer's budget-saving plan, "Dog of Death"

It's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of dental school.

— Veterinarian, "Dog of Death"

Homer: Hey, how come he [SLH] gets meat and we don't? Marge: You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly just snouts and entrails. Homer: Mmmmmm... snouts...

— "Dog of Death"

Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy. Marge: What's that? Homer: [thinks] A dinosaur!

— "Dog of Death"

Why here's a fellow. Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me...

— Monty Burns selects a new attack dog (SLH), "Dog of Death"

If that were a real girl scout, I'd have been bothered by now!

— Burns scolds SLH, his new attack dog, "Dog of Death"

I know how you feel. I lost my dog, too. He's in here somewhere... [a muffled whimper emerges from somewhere in his apartment]

— Barney can't help find SLH, "Dog of Death"

That was his dish... And that was his leash... And that's where he took a wizz on the rug... [sobs]

— Homer looks back on the days with Santa's Little Helper, "Dog of Death"

Marge: Homer, get a hold of yourself. Even if he [SLH] <has> passed on, there's no reason to cry. Remember, doggie heaven? Homer: Oh, Marge, there is no such place! Marge: Ahem. Homer: [spots the kids] Or... To put it another way... There <is>...

— Yes and no, "Dog of Death"

Bart: I'm not giving up. I don't care if I have to knock on every door in this two-bit town. I'm going to find my dog! Homer: And I'll be right here watching TV.

— He'll be with you in spirit, maybe, "Dog of Death"

Kent: [answering the door] Hello, I'm Kent Brockman. Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I lost my dog. Kent: Mm hm. And I suppose you want me to buy you a new one, mm? You know, ever since I won the lottery, everybody wants a piece of Kent Brockman. Homeless this and hungry that...

— "Dog of Death"

Smithers: Um, I hate to interrupt your longevity treatment, sir, but there's a sweet little boy at the door. Burns: Release the hounds.

— "Dog of Death"

NO DOGS WERE HARMED IN THE FILMING OF THIS EPISODE. A CAT GOT SICK AND SOMEBODY SHOT A DUCK, BUT THAT'S IT.

— Watching cartoons is also dolphin-safe, "Dog of Death"

Live from beautiful Laughlin, Nevada, it's the Miss American Girl Pageant! Brought to you my Meryl Streep's Versatility: Smell like Streep for Cheep! I'm your host, Troy McClure!

— Another slily beauty pageant, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

If you ask me, they're all winners! We'll be cutting our first 40 contestants right after this.

— Troy McClure hosts the Miss American Girl Pageant, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Marge: I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults. Homer: [eyes fixed on the television set] Sounds interesting. Marge: You know, I spend all day home with Maggie. Sometimes it's like I don't even exist. Homer: [eyes fixed on the television set] Sounds interesting.

— Sounds interesting, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Tonight, my reign as Miss American Girl comes to an end, and I'd like to apologize one last time for my unfortunate remarks at the United Nations.

— Debra Jo Smallwood, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

I have directed three plays in my career, and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I'm planning a fourth.

— Llewelyn Sinclair, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Marge: Maybe I should've a nice calligraphy class. Wiggum: Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic!

— "A Streetcar Named Marge"

I am not an easy man to work for. While directing "Hats off to Channukah", I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review [holds up a school newspaper] "Play enjoyed by all" speaks for itself.

— Llewelyn Sinclair, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Wow! My mother the actress. I feel like Lucy Arnaz-[something].

— Lisa, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Bart: Are there any jive-talking robots in this play? Marge: Mm, I don't think so. Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions. [to Marge] Is there any frontal nudity?

— How about nude jive-talking robots? "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!

— Conflict of interest? "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Mrs. Simpson, I don't like to toot my own horn, but we're the only day-care in town that is not currently under investigation by the state

— Ms. Sinclair, administrator of the Ayn Rand School for Tots, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

I just don't see why Blanche should shove a broken bottle in Stanley's face. Couldn't she just take his abuse with gentle good humor?

— Marge Simpson has difficulty getting into character, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Salt me.

— Homer, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Homer: What about dessert? Marge: For God's sakes, you can pull the lid off your own can of pudding! Homer: Fine! I will!

— That'll show 'er, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Marge: I'm sure you won't enjoy it. There's nothing about bowling in the play. Oh wait, there is. Homer: Probably not much of it.

— Enough to placate the special interests, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Marge: Why can't you be more supportive? Homer: Because I don't care.

— Ask a question, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Homer: I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects. Marge: What kooky projects? Homer: You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.

— "A Streetcar Named Marge"

If I break, buy a new one!

— The talking Krusty doll, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Cool, she can fly!

— Bart, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Hey, look at me! I'm Blanche DuBois!

— Bart, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Homer: It really got to me how that lady, uh... You know which one I mean. You played her. Marge: Blanche! Homer: Yeah.

— Interactive Cliff's Notes, "A Streetcar Named Marge"

Bart: If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it. Lisa: [covering her eyes] Please tell me when the scary part's over. Bart: [pause] It's over. Lisa: [uncovers her eyes] [the movie theater is bathed in red as we hear blood spurting] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

— Watching `Space Mutant IV', "(Lurleen on Me)"

Man 1: Hey you, let's fight. Man 2: Them's fightin' words!

— Say what you mean, "(Lurleen on Me)"

Okay, Fudd me.

— Homer orders a beer, "(Lurleen on Me)"

Lurleen: So what's your name, stranger? Homer: Homer J. Simpson. Lurleen: My name's Lurleen Lumpkin. Homer: That's a pretty name. Lurleen: Oh, you think so? Homer: Maybe. I'm not sure. I forgot it.

— Persistence of memory, "(Lurleen on Me)"

[in the operating room, the power flickers] Nurse: Doctor, you weren't supposed to remove his gall bladder. Doctor: Put it back! Put it back!

— It was like that when I got here! "(Lurleen on Me)"

Lurleen, I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since Funky Town!

— Homer, "(Lurleen on Me)"

Moe: [listening to a song on the radio] For the next half hour, beer is on the house. Barney: [bursts out of the men's room] What'd you say, Moe? [pull back to see that the bar is otherwise empty] Moe: Nuthin'.

— Trees falling in the forest, "(Lurleen on Me)"

Krusty: [slapping Sideshow Mel] I thought I told you to stay away from my sister!! [a song comes on the radio] [softens] Oh, here's 50 bucks. Take her to the Copa.

— Calms the savage breast, "(Lurleen on Me)"

I can feel her sweet country soul in every digitally-encoded bit.

— Lisa, "(Lurleen on Me)"

Country music sucks. All it does is take precious air space away from shock DJ's, whose cruelty and profanity amuse us all.

— Bart the Critic, "(Lurleen on Me)"

Marge: Who is this woman? Homer: Well, right now, she's an out-of-work cocktail waitress, but she's going to be a country music superstar like... uh... that jerk in the cowboy hat... and that dead lady.

— "(Lurleen on Me)"

Marge, you make it sound so seamy. All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer watching her try on some outfits.

— Homer tries to reassure Marge, "(Lurleen on Me)"

Lurleen: Homer, no man has ever been this nice to me without... you know... wantin' sum'in' in return. Homer: Well, now, I was going to ask you for a glass of water, but now I feel kinda guilty about it.

— Ask and you shall receive, "(Lurleen on Me)"

Lurleen: [chuckles] Oh Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar. Homer: Hey! [thinks on it] You <did> say sugar, right?

— "(Lurleen on Me)"

Lurleen: Homer, I want you to be my manager. Homer: Really?! Well, I should warn you, I'm not great with figures. Lurleen: That's okay. Homer: I make a lot of stupid decisions. Lurleen: Nobody's perfect. Homer: I did bad in school. Lurleen: I didn't even go. Homer: My personal hygeine has been described as...

— Is that a fair recital of my deficiencies? "(Lurleen on Me)"

Now this is made from a space-age fabric specially designed for Elvis. Sweat actually cleans this suit!

— Clerk at the Corpulent Cowboy, "(Lurleen on Me)"

Homer: Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of managing a beautiful country singer! Marge: Your boyhood dream is to eat the world's biggest hoagie! And you did it at the county fair last year, remember!?

— "(Lurleen on Me)"

Marge: Homer, how much did you just give that man!? Homer: Calm down, Marge, it's just our life savings. I'm not going into hock for this.

— "(Lurleen on Me)"

Marge: Hm... I thought you said she was overweight. Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

— Tangoing optional, "(Lurleen on Me)"

Homer: Guess what, Lurleen. I got you a gig on TV! Lurleen: [squeals with delight] Oh, Homer! You're as smart as you are handsome! Homer: [angry] Hey! [softens] Oh, you meant that as a compliment.

— "(Lurleen on Me)"

Marge: All our money's tied up in this woman. If she fails, we're broke. If she succeeds, I have no husband. I don't know what to root for. Patty: You don't?

— "(Lurleen on Me)"

Much as I hate that man right now, you gotta love that suit.

— Bart on Homer, "(Lurleen on Me)"

I'm from Rebel Yell Records, a division of the Tokasagi Corporation.

— "(Lurleen on Me)"

Now before we negotiate, I have to tell you I'm desperate to unload Lurleen, and I'll take any offer.

— Homer Simpson, Master Bargainer, "(Lurleen on Me)"

Dad Dinosaur: Would you turn off that rock-and-rock music? Boy Dinosaur: Hey, don't have a stegasaurus, man!

— Television on television, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

These talking dinosaurs are more real than most <real> families on TV.

— Lisa watches `Dinosaurs', "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

It's like they saw our lives and put it right up on screen!

— Bart watches `Dinosaurs', "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Patty: Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone. So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird. Bart: Coooool! He can teach us how to kill a man with a lunchtray!

— "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Homer: Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent <me> to prison, the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives, and... [vigorously mimes with his steak knife] tear him a new belly button! Ungh! Ungh! Lousy snitch! Yaargh! Bart: [laughs nervously, loosens his collar]

— Don't give him any ideas, dear. "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Sideshow Bob: Ah, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha. Homer: I am not!

— "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!

— Krusty's bitter remarks towards an imprisoned Sideshow Bob upon the latter's winning of a Daytime Emmy, "The Return of S

Now for the highlight of the evening, Best Film-to-Video Transfer.

— Krusty hosts the Daytime Emmys, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Sideshow Bob: [menacingly] Bart, if I wanted to kill you, I'd have choked you like a chicken the moment I walked in that door. Family: Gasp! Sideshow Bob: [cheerily] But then, what kind of guest would I have been? Family: [chuckle, except for Bart]

— On the other hand, if he'd brought a gift first... "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Sideshow Bob: You can't take my Emmy! Prison Guard: Hey, you know the rules. Awards for excellence in entertainment are contraband. No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe.

— "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Dear No 24601... I need a man, and I cannot find one among the law-abiding. I have a steady job and a lucrative hobby filing nuisance lawsuits. I share an apartment with my twin sister. Enclosed is a photo of us on a tandem bike. I forget which one I am.

— Selma's letter to Sideshow Bob, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

You're living proof that our revolving door prison system works.

— Lisa to Sideshow Bob, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Sideshow Bob: Selma, would you mind if I did something bold and shocking in front of your family? Selma: All right. But no tongues. [removes her cigarette and puckers up] Sideshow Bob: Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray, that's not what I had in mind.

— "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray.

— Sideshow Bob to his new love Selma, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Sideshow Bob: Selma, will you marry me? Bart: Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma! That man is scum! Selma: Then call me Mrs. Scum!

— "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

We now return to the 27th Annual Krusty the Clown Telethon for Motion Sickness.

— "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

I love you people! I love my kids! [indicates] Poor little guys. So tragic. So nauseous. You should see the bus they came to the studio in!

— Krusty hosts his Telethon for Motion Sickness, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Sideshow Bob: Krusty, can you ever forgive me for framing you and putting you in jail? Krusty: Hey, if they ever open the books on this telethon, I'm right back in there!

— Telethon for Motion Sickness, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Marge: Now, about your wedding dress. Mmm, I'm not sure how to put this... Selma: White! Marge: [writing] White.

— "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Homer: You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies! They taste as good as they look, and they come with this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup. It tastes like ketchup. But brother, it ain't ketchup! Sideshow Bob: Well, Selma, he makes a good case.

— Catering the wedding, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

This wedding is spinning out of control. Can we really afford it? I've already run through eight of the ten dollars they gave me when I left prison.

— Sideshow Bob, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Hey, relax. I told you, I got money. I bought stock in a mace company just before society crumbled.

— Selma, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

I just hope people don't think I'm marrying you for your money. Instead of your... less tangible qualities.

— Sideshow Bob to Selma, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Selma: Driver, here's a fin. Get me home and don't spare the whip! Barney: [the carriage driver] Whatever you say, Mum! [belch]

— For that added romantic touch, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Man: Thank you, Senor McGyver. You've saved our village. McGyver: Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull.

— Watching television, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Selma: That McGyver's a genius. Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius. He's an actor. And second, he's not <much> of an actor. Selma: [refusing to believe] You're lying! You're lying! Sideshow Bob: No, Selma. <This> is lying. [puts on an absurd smile] That was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never made me want to retch.

— Telling it like it is, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Sideshow Bob: Selma, I don't know what to say... Selma: Just tell me you like McGyver. Sideshow Bob: Very well, I... I... [breaks down] I can't do it! Even that car chase seemed tacked-on!

— A critical eye, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Homer: I hate all the programs Marge likes, but it's no big deal. You know why? Selma: No. Sideshow Bob: Go on. Homer: Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for looooove. [puts his hand on Marge's lap] Marge: [smiles, takes his hand]

— Meeting halfway, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Bart no like. Bad medicine.

— Bart expresses his disapproval, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Lisa: [bitterly] <I> could've been the flower girl. And I wouldn't keep falling down, either. Bart: Hey, they chose Maggie, okay? Lisa: Yeah, well, if you want to go for cutesiness instead of competence, fine.

— Selma's wedding, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Marge: [wielding a camcorder at Selma's wedding reception] Ooh, there's Krusty the Clown. Krusty, Krusty, say something funny! Krusty: Oh, gee, a joke. Um... Um... Uh, funny, uh, okay. Uh, this guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a twelve-inch pianist. Oh hoho, no, wait! I can't tell <that> one!

— "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Ah, fire! Scourge of Prometheus! Toaster of marshmallows! [evilly] Eradicator of deadwood...

— Sideshow Bob lights the fireplace, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Sideshow Bob: [rubbing Selma's feet] [quietly] Soon I will kill you... Selma: What? Sideshow Bob: Son pied sont il beau. [?] French for "Her foot smells lovely." Selma: [calms down] Oh... Sideshow Bob: [quietly] Prepare to be murdered... Selma: Huh? Sideshow Bob: /eh pah dee meh moo-doo/. That's Sanskrit for "Your toes are like perfume." Selma: [calms down] Oh... Sideshow Bob: [quietly] /voia matara/ usted. Selma: Wha? Sideshow Bob: That's Spanish for... [quietly] I'm going to kill you...

— "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

You tried to kill me. I want a separation.

— Selma to her husband of nary a few days Sideshow Bob, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

My best-laid plans have gang agley!

— Sideshow Bob, poetic to the end, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Bart: Chief Wiggum, think you have room in your jail for a two-time loser? Wiggum: Well, no, frankly. But that never stopped us before.

— Sideshow Bob, foiled again, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Sideshow Bob: Bart, I must know. How did you untangle my web? Chief Wiggum: Yeah, Bart, pull us in! Bart: Well, I'd hate to tell the number one cop in town how to do his job... Chief Wiggum: No no, please. It's the only way I'll learn.

— "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father.

— Bart the Hero, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

To the Simpson-Mobile!

— Homer, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the street! With all of my criminal buddies! Ba-ha-ha-ha-ha!!

— Sideshow Bob, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

There was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.

— Marge, on Bart's unraveling of Sideshow Bob's murderous plan, "The Return of Sideshow Bob"

Bart: Hey, Milhouse, cool jacket! Milhouse: It cost me 50,000 Bazooka Joe comics!

— "Otto Show"

Homer: Now just meet me back here after the show. Bart: Thanks, Dad. Sure you're not going to be bored? Homer: [chuckles] Boy, some of the best times I've ever had were in the back seat of a car! Heh, heh, heh, heh... [flashback. Inspiration Point. Homer in the back seat, his car springing up and down] Young Homer: [lustfully] Ohhhhhhh.... Oh, baby... [Young Homer eats pizza, hot dogs, chips...]

— "Otto Show"

Check it out, Spinal Tap kicking Mohammar Qadaffi in the butt. A timeless classic. Now two for a dollar.

— Hawking t-shirts, "Otto Show"

Fellas, I'm going to hit you with a phrase that has dogged you throughout your career. "Washed-up."

— Interviewing Spinal Tap, "Otto Show"

Here you are, among the top one hundred and five concert acts today. What's your secret, guys?

— Interviewing Spinal Tap, "Otto Show"

We're very big in Bulgaria. And what-his-name, the other -garia...

— Spinal Tap speaks, "Otto Show"

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... Duff Beer, in association with Laramie Cigarettes, is proud to welcome... Spinal Tap!

— Rock concert, "Otto Show"

Tonight, the city weeps, as for the first time ever, a hockey arena becomes then scene of violence.

— Kent Brockman reports on a concert riot, "Otto Show"

Of course, it would be wrong to suggest this sort of mayhem began with rock-and-roll. After all, there were riots at the premiere of Mozart's "The Magic Flute". So, what's the answer? Ban all music? In this reporters opinion, the answer, sadly, is `yes'.

— Kent Brockman's two cents, "Otto Show"

Homer: Now, boy, we spent a lot of money, so you'd better get real good real fast, or <POW>! Marge: Homer! Homer: Hey, I thought I was supposed to encourage him.

— Feedback of all types, "Otto Show"

I'd loik to play me latest chart-toppah. It's called, "Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs".

— Bart the heavy-metal rock star, "Otto Show"

Bart: I didn't know you played the guitar, Otto-Man! Otto: Hey, that's all I <did> in high school!

— "Otto Show"

My old man said I was wasting my time, and I'd never amount to anything. He-hah-hah-hah! He-hah-hah-hah-heh-heh! [realizes] Oh...

— Otto, "Otto Show"

Otto: Uh-oh. Better fasten your seat belts, little dudes! Lisa: We don't have seat belts. Otto: Well, then, uh... Just try to go limp.

— "Otto Show"

I stand on my record. Fifteen crashes and not a single fatality.

— Otto, "Otto Show"

Well, that tears it. Until you get a [drivers] license and wear your own underwear, mister, you are suspended without pay!

— Principal Skinner to Otto, "Otto Show"

Patty: [laughs spontaneously] Selma: What's so funny? Patty: I was just thinking about the time Homer got his nose caught in the toaster. Selma: We'll watch the tape tonight.

— "Otto Show"

You failed every segment, and misspelled `bus' on your application.

— Patty administers Otto's driving test, "Otto Show"

Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door, and put on an eviction notice!

— Otto, "Otto Show"

Otto: Can I at least get my stuff? Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old `Psycho' magazines. Otto: Wow! I have mustard?

— Otto gets evicted, "Otto Show"

Bart: Otto-Man? You're living in a dumpster? Otto: Ho, man, I wish. Dumpster-brand trash bins are top-of-the-line. This is just a Trash-Co waste disposal unit.

— His summer home is the aluminum recycle bin down the street, "Otto Show"

Marge: What's going on? Bart: Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it. Marge: What conversation? Bart: [turns on a tape recorder] Tape: [Bart] "Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants?" [bad imitation of Marge] "He sure can!" Homer: Marge, what were you thinking! Marge: That's not my voice! Homer: Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.

— "Otto Show"

Otto: Please let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go! Homer: Forget it! That lie didn't work for my dad, and it's not going to work for you!

— "Otto Show"

Marge: Doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me"? Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say "Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut"?

— "Otto Show"

Bart: Please, Dad? If you let Otto stay, he'll help around the house and chip in a few bucks whenever he can. Homer: All right, he can stay. But I get to treat him like garbage. Otto: Wow! What's the catch?

— The catch is, you have to stay with the Simpsons, "Otto Show"

Homer: Will you knock it off, I can't hear myself think! [the music stops] [thinks] I want some peanuts. [aloud] That's better!

— "Otto Show"

Homer: Hey, how come you never play your guitar any more? Bart: I'll tell ya the truth, Dad. I wasn't goot at it right away, so I quit. I hope you're not mad. Homer: [sweetly] Son, come here! Heh heh heh... [Bart sits on Homer's knee] Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing! You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle, and we'll go inside and watch TV.

— "Otto Show"

Bart: What are you going to do, Otto? Otto: Oh, don't worry. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who knows how to fake his own death.

— "Otto Show"

I can't pass that thing. I got a zero last time. This time, I'm hung over!

— Otto dreads his driving test, "Otto Show"

Bart: You can do it, Otto! You're the coolest adult I ever met! Otto: Wow! I've never been called an adult before. ... I've been tried as one, but...

— "Otto Show"

"Alcohol imcreases your ability to drive." [looks up the answer] "False"!? Oh, man!

— Otto studies for his driving test, "Otto Show"

Bart: Cool! An oversized novelty billiard ball! Milhouse: Yeah, you shake it up and it tells the future! Bart: Really? Milhouse: Uh huh. Bart: [takes it] Will I pass my English test? [shakes it] [reads] "Outlook not so good". Wow, it <does> work!

— Ask me no questions, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Samantha, I've always been suspicious of transfer students. Other principals try to unload problem cases that way. Lord knows <I> do...

— Principal Skinner welcomes a new student, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Ms.K: I'm sure this is a little scary for you, dear. Samantha: Uh huh. Ms.K: So, why don't you stand in front of the class and tell us about yourself. I'll be grading you on grammar and poise.

— Introducing a new student, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Class, in order to explain why your hormones will soon make you an easy target for [turning bitter] every smooth-talking Lothario with his own car and tight jeans... [calms down] I will now show a short sex-education film.

— Ms. Krabappel, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Ezekiel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parents' wishes, you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls.

— Ms. Krabappel shows a sex education film, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as "Lead Paint, Delicious But Deadly" and "Here Comes the Metric System!"

— "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner. And now, here's... "Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What"...

— Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago, he noticed his voice was changing, he had terrible acne, and had fur where there was no fur before.

— Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

She's faking it.

— Ms. Krabappel shows the class a sex education film, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Nine months later, Fluffy gave birth to fourteen beautiful little bunnies. Eight survived.

— Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

And now that you know how it's done... Don't do it.

— Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Samantha: How do we know when we fall in love? Ms.K: Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and marry out of fear of dying alone. [chuckles]

— "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature? Ms.K: I'm sorry, that would be playing God. Bart: God shmod! I want my monkey-man!

— "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Milhouse: Uh... That's a nice dress. Samantha: My Dad makes me wear it. I hate it. Milhouse: Uh, I hate it, too!

— Flexibility in crisis, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Everybody on! No shoving! Hee, just kidding. You can shove all you want!

— Otto, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

My girlfriend's dancing topless at the airport bar. 4:15 to 4:20!

— Otto, "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"

Samantha: Hi. Bart: Hey, what's with the skirt? Milhouse: I've brought friends to this treehouse before. Bart: Yeah, but never a girl. What if I want to strut around nude?

— "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"