Movie Trivia

[Outside] Kearney: Shh, quiet! You'll wake up old man Simpson. Jimbo: Hey, no more trampoline. Kearney: Let's jump on the car instead!

— Appetite for destruction, "Bart's Inner Child"

Homer: OK, the trampoline was a bad idea. But you know what? At least I'm out there trying new things. If it were up to you, all we'd ever do is work and go to church. Marge: That's not true. Homer: Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun. Marge: I can name ten things! Uh...I made sloppy Joes! Homer: That's not fun.

— The importance of being fun, "Bart's Inner Child"

Marge: Hmm...I didn't realize people saw me that way. Lisa: Are you mad? Marge: No, I'm fine. I'm going to my sisters' now. [She runs out and drives away] Flanders: [cheerily] Careful there, Marge, you almost nicked me!

— Marge deals with being a nag, "Bart's Inner Child"

Patty: Your blood pressure is off the chart. Selma: And I don't like this urine sample one bit.

— The sisters inspect Marge, "Bart's Inner Child"

Thank you, Martha Quinn. [Audience applauds] There you have it: unrehearsed testimonies from important celebrities. She's one of my favorites. I loved her in the thing I saw her in.

— Brad Goodman on his infomercial, "Bart's Inner Child"

Goodman: You know, my course can help you with every personality disorder in the "Feel Bad Rainbow." Let's look at the rainbow; what's in there? [reads list] Depression, insomnia, motor- mouth, darting eyes, indecisiveness, decisiveness, bossiness, uncontrollable falling down, geriatric profanity disorder (or GPD), and chronic nagging...nagging...nagging... [Close up shot of Marge] Selma: Sorry, it does that sometimes. [hits the TV]

— Nine things in the seven-colored rainbow, "Bart's Inner Child"

Oh, hi! I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Confident, Stupid". Well, now I'm here to tell you about the only real path to mental health. That's right, it's the Brad Goodman [squints at cue cards] something-or- other...

— Troy McClure introduces "Adjusting Your Self-O-Stat", "Bart's Inner Child"

{A few weeks ago, I was a washed-up actor with a drinking problem. Then Brad Goodman came along and gave me this job and a can of fortified wine! [drinks from a can] Ah...sweet liquor eases the pain.}

— Troy McClure describes how self-help aided him, "Bart's Inner Child"

Troy: And now I'd like to introduce the man who will put the "you" in "impr-you-vement"...Brad Goodman! Brad: {Thank you so much, Troy. And by the way...I'm not happy you're still drinking. But at least you're down to one from more than fifty.}

— "Bart's Inner Child"

Brad: Folks, I'm often asked about my qualifications. Well, I may not have a lot of "credentials" or "training", but I tell you one thing: I'm a Ph.D. in pain. Now let me show you how you can change your life. [Steps to a blackboard] Troy, this circle is you. [draws one] Troy: My God, it's like you've known me all my life!

— Accurate characterizations, "Bart's Inner Child"

Marge: That video really opened my eyes. I can see that I'm just a passive-aggressive co-culprit. By nagging you when you do foolish things, I just enable your life script. Homer: And that sends me into a shame spiral. Marge: Exactly!

— Following their bliss, "Bart's Inner Child"

Marge: Homer, did you eat my whole pan of brownies? Bart: Uh oh. You're in for it now, Dad. Homer: Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now. Marge: I'm hearing that you feel a lot of shame. Homer: And I feel that you hear my shame. Marge: I'm feeling annoyance and frustration, but also tolerance. Homer: I feel validated by that. Marge: Good! I'm glad we had this talk. Homer: Me too. [walks off whistling]

— The new problem-tackling paradigm, "Bart's Inner Child"

Wow, for free! Surplus drums of mayonnaise from operation Desert Storm!

— Homer finds more good free stuff, "Bart's Inner Child"

Homer: Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture. Lisa: We know, Dad. Homer: I just thought I'd remind everybody. After all, we did agree to attend this self-help seminar. Bart: What an odd thing to say...

— Homer's new directness approach, "Bart's Inner Child"

Brad: Thank you. OK, folks. Let me hear what's troubling you. Don't be shy, yell it out. Everybody, go! Quimby: I, er, can't commit to a relationship. Burns: I'm too nice! Apu: I have problems with -- Lenny: I'm always interrupting people!

— The "Inner Child Workshop", "Bart's Inner Child"

Right now, I want each of you to try something interesting. There's no trick to it -- it's just a simple trick!

— Brad Goodman at the "Inner Child Workshop", "Bart's Inner Child"

Brad: Now, close your eyes for a moment and really listen to that inner voice inside, your inner child. Listen! What's he saying? Ned: [inside] Stay the course, big Ned. You're doing super! Homer: [inside] Food goes in here! [spoken] It sure does. Moe: [inside] Hey, Moe, what's-a-matter? You no talka with you accent no more. [spoken] Mama mia!

— The inner children speak, "Bart's Inner Child"

Brad: Principal Skinner, let's try some rage work. I want you to pretend this dummy right here is your mother. Skinner: OK, I'll try. Brad: Tell this dummy mother exactly how you feel right now. Skinner: I'm annoyed with you, Mother. Not just annoyed -- angry! I'm a grown man now [yelling] and I can run my own life! [Tears at the dummy with his teeth] Brad: Calm down, calm down. Oh, _moving_. You can sit down now. Skinner: [sitting next to his mother] We're still going antiquing on Saturday, right, Mother?

— Open aggression, "Bart's Inner Child"

Brad: You see, folks, we're all trying to please someone else. And as soon as you're not a human be-ing, you're a human do-ing. Then what comes next? Bart: A human go-ing! [gets up to leave]

— Bart's syllogism of humanity, "Bart's Inner Child"

Brad: People, this young man here _is_ the inner child I've been talking about! Lisa: [incredulous] What?

— Lisa's slow acceptance, "Bart's Inner Child"

Brad: Son, you've never read any of my books, have you? Bart: [snorts] Earth to boring guy. [Audience howls with laughter] Brad: [laughs] That means "no", huh? I'm not so old-fashioned.

— Grace under pressure, "Bart's Inner Child"

Brad: This is really remarkable. Here we have a man with an obvious eating disorder, and a woman with a bizarre hairstyle, I'm sure worn only for shock value -- Marge: Erm -- Brad: -- and yet, they've managed to raise an emotionally healthy son. That's fantastic. Marge: Oh, thank you.

— Insurmountable odds, "Bart's Inner Child"

Brad: We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this, this -- Bart: Rudiger. Brad: -- Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger -- Marge: His name is Bart. Brad: [snaps] His name isn't important! What's important here is that this lad has fully developed ego integrity with well-defined boundaries. Bart: [snoring noises] [Audience laughs]

— Bart, everyone's obnoxious inner child, "Bart's Inner Child"

Brad: People, I am excited. I can sense a change in the air tonight. You are all going to start _living_, really _living_. Audience: Yay! [chanting] Living! Living! Brad: Be like the boy! Audience: Be like boy! Be like boy! Brad: Just the ladies. Ladies: Be like boy! Be like boy! Brad: Now, the seniors in the back. Seniors: We like Roy! We like Roy!

— Not Roy Cohn, surely?, "Bart's Inner Child"

Lisa: This is madness. He's just peddling a bunch of easy answers. Carl: [enthusiastically] And how!

— Lisa sees through Brad Goodman, "Bart's Inner Child"

The winds of change are in the air in Springfield, and it's about as refreshing as a pre-moistened towlette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and really communicating, with no holding back, and this reporter thinks it's about [bleep]ing time. Of course, all these good vibes can be traced to one feisty little scamp [picture of Bart appears] who taught us that if it feels good, do it!

— Kent Brockman's two cents, "Bart's Inner Child"

Bart: Lis, today I am a god. Lisa: Is that why you're sitting on an ice cream sandwich? Bart: Eww!

— Blessed by the holy bottom, "Bart's Inner Child"

Now instead of my boring old sermon, I'm going to take a page from the Book of Bart to do something I've always wanted to do. [Walks over to the organ] Take five, Mrs. Feesh. [Begins playing "The Entertainer" badly] Wait, wait, I can do this... [Starts over, playing more wrong notes] Wait, wait, hold on...

— Reverend Lovejoy does what he feels like, "Bart's Inner Child"

Edna: [reading] "The wireless was an invention by Guglielmo Marconi." Who can tell me what his first message was? Bart: Uh -- Milhouse: I want-a change-a my name-a! [Everyone laughs] Edna: [chuckling] Oh, good one, Milhouse. Anyone else? The first message by wireless? Bart: It was -- Martin: Our tenth caller will receive tickets to Supertramp! [Everyone laughs]

— Everyone lives like Bart, "Bart's Inner Child"

Bart: Lis, everyone in town is acting like me. So why does it suck? Lisa: It's simple, Bart: you've defined yourself as a rebel, and in the absence of a repressive milieu your societal nature's been co- opted. Bart: [pause] I see.

— Said the blind man, "Bart's Inner Child"

Lisa: Ever since that self-help guy came to town, you've lost your identity. You've fallen through the cracks of our quick-fix, one- hour photo, instant oatmeal society. Bart: What's the answer? Lisa: Well, this is your chance to develop a new and better identity. May I suggest...good-natured doormat? Bart: Sounds good, sis. Just tell me what to do.

— Lisa consoles Bart, "Bart's Inner Child"

Springfield will have its first annual "Do What You Feel" Festival this Saturday, whenever you feel like showing up! It'll be a welcome change from our annual, "Do As We Say" Festival started by German settlers in 1946.

— Kent Brockman's residual bitterness, "Bart's Inner Child"

Willy: If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of you and burn your town to cinders. Workman: [whispering] The mike's on. Willy: I know it's on!

— Don't delay, vote today, "Bart's Inner Child"

Burns: I feel like such a free spirit, and I'm really enjoying this so-called..._iced_ cream. Smithers: Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, I'd just like to say that...[clears throat]...I...love you. Burns: Hmm? Smithers: [hastily] In those colors! [aside] Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time!

— Plagued by doubt and regrets, "Bart's Inner Child"

Skinner: My God, they're naked! Patty: Double your pleasure, Springfield. Selma: I'm sweating...let's ride through the car wash. Everyone: Ew! McAllister: [snapping a photo of them] Arr! This picture will serve me well on those lonely nights at sea.

— Their biggest fan, "Bart's Inner Child"

Homer: This is great...I can finally look like I want, and not get hassled by the man! [Apu and Jamshed ride around the family on skateboards] Apu: Cowabunga! Bart: Skateboards? You copycat wannabes!

— The "Do What You Feel" Festival, "Bart's Inner Child"

Good afternoon and welcome to the "Do What You Feel" festival. By the way, this young lady is not my wife, but I _am_ sleeping with her. I'm telling you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing.

— Quimby, the Master of Ceremonies, "Bart's Inner Child"

Quimby: And now to usher in this new era of feeling good is the godfather of soul, James Brown. Brown: Ow! [singing] I feel good, huh! I knew that I would, now. How! I feel good, good God! I knew that I would. Hah! So good! So good! I got a-you. Wow! [The bandstand collapses, and everyone gasps] Hey, wait a minute. Hold on here -- this bandstand wasn't double-bolted. Huh. Worker: I didn't feel like it. Homer: Hey, I hear you, buddy.

— James Brown, closet carpenter, "Bart's Inner Child"

Marge: Er, I don't want to judge the rightness of your ego orientation, but my inner critic says you should have done your job! Ned: Hey, now, Marge, let's not "should" this fellow to death.

— New-age arguments, "Bart's Inner Child"

Quimby: In the spirit of the occasion, I must tell you what I think. You two screwed up royal! Worker: Ya know, I really don't feel like being blamed. Skinner: I feel that you should shut up! Moe: You know, you really irritate me, Skinner, what with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture. Hot- dog boy: Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice! Moe: Oh, really? [pushes him] Hibbert: Oh, now, now: there's no need to resort to violence. Moe: Oh, sure there is! [punches the boy]

— So much for owning their okayness, "Bart's Inner Child"

Marge: I knew it. If only I had nagged more! Lovejoy: God is angry: we've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman. [Two women in togas hold onto a giant gold statue of Goodman]

— And the Lord said..., "Bart's Inner Child"

Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away! Moe: They're heading for the old mill! Homer: No we're not. Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!

— Short attention spans, "Bart's Inner Child"

Homer: Aw, boy: if only Bart had been a better role model for everyone. Marge: That's not fair. The lesson here is that self-improvement is better left to people who live in big cities. Lisa: No! Self-improvement can be achieved, but not with a quick fix: it's a long, arduous journey of personal and spiritual discovery. Homer: That's what I've been saying! We're all fine the way we are!

— Homer, master paraphraser, "Bart's Inner Child"

Homer: Ooh! It's that new show about the policeman who solves crimes in his spare time. Bart: Crank it, Homer! Chief: You busted up that crack house pretty bad, McGonigle. Did you really have to break so much furniture? McGonigle: You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind your desk. Homer: Ah, McGonigle: eases the pain. Chief: You're off the case, McGonigle! McGonigle: You're off _your_ case, Chief! Chief: What does that mean exactly? Homer: [yelling] It means he gets results, you stupid chief! Lisa: Dad, siddown. Homer: Oh, I'm sorry.

— More award-winning TV shows, "Bart's Inner Child"

Video Man: Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the inexpressible? Martin: [entranced] Tell me more!

— Martin plays "My Dinner with Andre", "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart: Be cool, Simpson...but be _in_ the game, not _of_ the game. Man: Bwaa! No es bueno...Bwaa! [He gets shot and falls off the building] [George Bush walks on the screen and kicks the corpse] Bush: [robotically] Winners don't use drugs.

— Bart plays "Panamanian Strongman", "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart: Aw, I'm out of money. Milhouse: Don't say that out loud! [Security men watch a bank of TV screens] Man 1: Caucasian males out of money in sector four. Go to code red.

— Bart and Milhouse at the arcade, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart: Oh, man, how are we supposed to kill the rest of the afternoon? Bum: You mustn't kill time, boys, you must cherish it. Seize the day!...Can I have some change to go get loaded?

— Bart and Milhouse get ejected from the arcade, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Ah, finally a little quiet time to read some of my old favorites... [Looks at books, picks up peanut jar] Honey-roasted peanuts. Ingredients: "Salt, artificial honey-roasting agents, [excited] pressed peanut sweepings..." Mmm.

— Homer reads a literary masterpiece, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Ah, the last peanut -- overflowing with the oil and salt of its departed brothers.

— Homer with an almost empty jar of peanuts, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

[Homer searches under the couch for a peanut] Homer: Hmm...ow, pointy! Eww, slimy. Oh, moving! Ah-ha! [looks, then says remorsefully] Oh, twenty dollars...I wanted a peanut! Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts! Homer: Explain how. Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for good and services.

— The voice of reason, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart: OK, we're young, rich, and full of sugar. What do we do? Milhouse: [yelling] Let's go crazy, Broadway style! [singing together] Springfield, Springfield, it's a hell of a town: the schoolyard's up and the shopping mall's down. The stray dogs go to the animal pound, Bart: Springfield, Springfield! Milhouse: Springfield, Springfield! Sailor: New York, New York! Bart: New York is that-a-way, man! Sailor: Thanks, kid! Together: [singing] It's a hell of a...toooown!

— Painting the town green, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

I don't know where you magic pixies came from...but I like your pixie drink! [drinks some squishy]

— Barney to Milhouse and Bart, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart: [groans] Oh, my head. Lisa: Tsk, tsk, tsk, the remorse of the sugar junkie. Bart: Ohh...I don't remember anything. Lisa: Really? Not even...this? [pulls back the covers] [Bart is dressed as in a uniform] Bart: Aah! Oh, no! I must have joined the Junior Campers. Lisa: The few, the proud, the geeky. [laughs unsympathetically] Bart: Boy, a man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things.

— Bart considers a membership in Squishyholics Anonymous, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart: OK, look: I made a terrible mistake. I wandered into a Junior Camper recruitment center, but what's done is done: I've made my bed, and ow I've got to weasel out of it. Marge: I know you think the Junior Campers are square and "uncool", but they also do a lot of neat things, like sing-alongs and flag ceremonies. Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... except the weasels.

— The morning after the Squishy bender, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart: All I've got to do is take this uniform back after school. Milhouse: You're lucky. You only joined the Junior Campers; _I_ got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head. Skinner: [gasps] What is it with you kids and that word? I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right: it's a privilege!

— The curse of the toupee, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Nelson: What's in the bag, wuss? [grabs it from Bart] Oh, look: [contemptuously] Campers' Pampers. Heh. [Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney appear, and the four bullies start to play "Keepaway!"] Bart: Yeah, whatever. [walks away] Jimbo: [blocking his path] You better pretend you want your uniform back, twerp! Bart: [gulps] [The bullies begin to play Keepaway again] Bart: [half-hearted] Oh, no. Woe is me. My precious uniform.

— Oozing sincerity, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Edna: Guess what, class? Martin: Time for a surprise quiz? Edna: Well, that's not what I was going to say, but it's a good idea. Hah!

— Thank you, Mr. Prince, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Edna: Take out a sheet of paper, books under your desk. Warren: [whining] I'm supposed to -- I've got -- I'm supposed to -- Edna: Oh, Warren, I nearly forgot. All Junior Campers are excused to attend their patrol meeting. Bart: [hastily putting on the uniform] Um, Mrs. Krabappel, I-I'd love to stay, but this uniform carries certain responsibilities. Nelson: Hey, look: sergeant Dork! Ha-ha! Bart: [slyly] Enjoy your test. Nelson: Ha-h -- [realizing] Aw!

— Saved by the skin of his teeth, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart: Hello, alternative to testing! [Opens the door, sees Ned Flanders] Ohh... Ned: Well, it's Bart Simpson...come on in! You're just in time for "Sponge Bath the Old Folks" Day! Jasper: Help yourself...but stay above the equator!

— Frightening introductory activities, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Ned: Well sir, just apply a smidgen of peanut butter to an ordinary pinecone and you've got yourself a makeshift bird feeder, sir! Bart: I'm outta here, man. [starts to leave] Ned: OK, now everybody take out your Junior Campers' pocket-knives. Bart: Huh? [excited] You guys get to play with knives? [grabs one of the other kids' knives] Aw, cool: a spork! Kid: Don't hurt me!

— Bart at a Junior Campers meeting, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Moe: {When I say, "Put your beer on a coaster," I mean it!} Hans: {You call that a knife? This is a knife! [pulls a huge blade from his cane] [It's too heavy for him to hold up] [weakly] Ooh, down I go.}

— Crocodile Moleman, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

"Don't do what Donny Don't does"...[sighs] They could have made this clearer.

— Bart reads a knife safety book, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Homer: [scoffing] Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons. Marge: Homer, you should be more supportive. Homer: You're right, Marge. Good work, boy. [ruffles his hair] [Marge leaves] [singing] Egghead likes his booky-books! Marge: Homer! Homer: Just tucking him in.

— Homer, master of tolerance, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Here you go: your rubber training knife. You've attained the rank of "pussy willow"!

— Ned to Bart the Junior Camper after Bart passes a knife safety test, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Ned: {Howdely-hey, Camper Bart. Ready for today's meeting?} Bart: {You knowdely-know it, Neddy.} Ned: {Okily dokily.}

— Bart learns Nedspeak, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Ned: Our annual father-son rafting trip is next weekend. Bart: [thinking] Oh no, me bring Homer on a rafting trip? [In Bart's imagination, Homer wears a paper sailor hat and faces the wrong way in the raft] Homer: Duh, I'm the captain. My son is Bart. [splashes everyone with his oar] Father 1: What an oaf! Father 2: How embarrassing. Camper: Glad he's not _my_ father.

— Nightmare rafting trips, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Ned: Oh, Warren, I know your dad is in prison, but don't you fret! A special celebrity dad has been arranged for you. Warren: But -- my older brother would like -- Ned: [cheerfully] Sorry, but I'm afraid Ernest Borgnine has already been confirmed. [Ernest Borgnine walks in laughing] Ernest: Hiya! I'm sure you kids know me best as Sergeant Fatso Judson in "From Here to Eternity". [The kids except for Bart and Warren cheer]

— Or not, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice. Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip. Homer: Heh heh, you don't have a son.

— People unclear on the concept, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart: [to himself] Look, Homer won't want to go, so just ask him and he'll say "No." Then it'll be his fault. Homer: [to himself] I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say, "Yes!" Homer's brain: Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works? Homer: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip! Bart: [through clenched teeth] Dad, I really want you to come on this trip with me. Homer: [through clenched teeth] Bart, I'd be delighted to go on your trip with you. Bart & Homer: D'oh!

— The rafting trip showdown, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

McAllister: Arr, here be a fine vessel -- the yarest river-going boat there be. Homer: I'll take it! [The raft sinks] McAllister: [sadly] Arr, I don't know what I'm doing.

— The truth comes out, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Ned: Okey dokey, every dad find a partner. Two dads to a raft. [All dads except Homer shake hands and smile at one another] Homer: Please not Flanders, please not Flanders, please not Flanders -- Ned: Well, Homer, looks like we're boat-buddies, huh? Want me to zinc your sniffer?

— A fate worse than death, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Ned: Well, I guess now we know why they call them "rapids" and not "slowpids", huh? Bart: [appreciative] Ha, ha! Homer: You are not my son!

— Bart gets disowned in the raft, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Ned: Now, what happened to that gosh-darn map I brought? [said map is on Homer's head as a sailor's hat. It blows off] Homer: Um, I dunno...but lucky for you _somebody_ here is responsible. [pulls out a "Krusty Burger Fun Map"] Hey, there's a _New_ Mexico.

— Useful geography trivia, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

[Homer dances on a beach with ice cream cones and lollipops] Homer: [singing] Sugar, do-do-do do, do do, Oh, honey honey, do-do-do do, do do, You are my candy girl... [batteries in walkman run down] Lousy piece of junk! [throws it into the water] Todd: Hey...I got that for my birthday! Homer: Now I have to face stupid reality again.

— Homer's escapism, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Homer: Flanders! My socks feel dirty. Give me some water to wash them. Flanders: Again? Homer, we have to ration the water carefully. It's our only hope! Homer: Oh, pardon me, Mr. "Let's ration everything", but what d'you think we're floating on? Don't you know the poem? "Water, water, everywhere, so let's all have a drink."

— The Rime of the Modern Homer, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Homer: Oh, what does it matter, we're doomed! [a seagull flies into view] Flanders: Wrong, we're saved! Seagulls always stay near land. They only go out to sea to die! [it squawks and spirals into the ocean] Homer: [triumphant] Woo-hoo! See that, boy? Your old man was right, not Flanders. We _are_ doomed! In your face, Flanders!

— Extreme grudge-holding, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart: A rescue plane! Get the flare gun! [Flanders does so, but Homer grabs it] Homer: This ain't one of your church picnic flare-gun firings, Flanders! This is the real thing! [He discharges the gun, and the flare hits the plane and explodes] D'oh!

— Homer, Church of Armaments member, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Ned: {Oh, we're done for, we're done for, we're done diddely done for, we're done diddely doodily, done diddely doodily, done diddely doodily, done diddely doodily --} Homer: {[grabs him and slaps him] Flanders! Snap out of it! [slap!]} Ned: {Thank you, Homer...I don't know what got -- [slap! slap! slap!]} Bart: {[grabbing Homer's arm] Dad, I think he's OK --} Homer: {[slap! slap! slap slap!] It's better [slap!] to be [slap!] safe [slap!] than [slap!] sorry! [slap! slap! slap!] [apologizing] Sorry.} Flanders: {Diddely -- [slap!]}

— Violence solves everything, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Homer: Son, there was something I was going to give you at the end of this trip, but since we may not survive, I want you to have it now. Bart: [gasps] A real Swiss Army knife! Cool! Homer: I stole it from that Borgnine guy. [Scene switch to a ferocious bear] Ernest: Don't worry, kids! I'll take care of him with my trusty... [searches for his knife]...er, er, um, er, uh, hmm.

— Who needed it more?, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Dad, I know I've been a little hard on you the last couple of days. If I had the strength to lift my arms, I'd give you a hug.

— Bart to Homer as they near death, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

The foul stench of death is upon us! [sniffs] Mmm, hamburgers.

— Homer's famous nearly-last words, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Homer: According to this map, there's a Krusty Burger on an offshore oil rig. Flanders: That's what you're smelling, Homer! Oh, if it weren't for this blasted fog, we'd be saved. Homer: Never mind the fog! [sniffs] That way! Steer, there isn't much time!

— The nose knows, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Krusty: Oh, I'm taking a bath on this. Man: We tried to tell you, these are _unmanned_ oil rigs. Krusty: Aw, close the damn thing down. No one's ever going to come. Homer: [runs in] Give me seven hundred Krusty burgers! Kid: You want fries with that?

— Just in the nick of time, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart: The beauty of it is, each parking space is a mere one foot narrower -- indistinguishable to the naked eye! But therein lies the game. Milhouse: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away.

— Milhouse, Prince of Denmark, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Skinner: Blast it, woman! You parked too close. Move your car! Edna: I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your Mama. Skinner: Oh, don't worry: she'll hear about this.

— Sparkling repartie in the school parking lot, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Edna: Class, I know there's no way to prove who actually did this, and in our American democracy, everyone is innocent until proven guilty. Bart: God bless America. Edna: But _my_ classroom is not a democracy. Hah! For the rest of the year, Bart Simpson will be the first student called on for _every_ question.

— Life in Springfield Socialist Elementary, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Martin: It's "photosynthesis"! [angrily] Damn your feeble brain. Bart: [plaintive] Oh, I couldn't read it. The letters are all blurry. Edna: [mistrustful] Is it possible all your misbehavior and miserable grades have been caused by a simple vision disorder? Bart: [with a cockney accent] Ya mean it ain't me noggin, it's me peepers? Well, that's just loverly.

— Bart explained, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Lenny: Uh oh...he's done for! Carl: Ehh, don't worry. The safety glass will protect us. [Gas leaks through the glass] Lenny: Run! We'll hide at my house. [They run towards the door but crash into the wall] Charlie: Hey! This emergency exit is painted on!

— Proper safety measures, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Charlie: Well, sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a _real_ emergency exit! Burns: Why, that's a _fabulous_ idea! Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe?

— Is it an either/or?, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Smithers: Sir, we'll need a new dangerous emissions supervisor. Burns: Yes, well find someone cheap! It's been a very lean year for us...[glances at Smithers and smiles] Together: Money fight! [They throw stacks of cash at one another, grunting and giggling]

— Well, not _that_ lean, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Zutroy: [reaches slowly for a button in front of him, then changes his mind at the last minute and pushes a different one] Burns: Excellent, Zutroy! Work hard, and each day you'll get a shiny penny.

— Hard work for fifty cents a year, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Man: Agent Wesson, Department of Labor. This man is an illegal alien! Burns: That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie. Zutroy: Tocnikrabda, mistah Boons.

— English is his second language, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Woman: This plant violates every labor law in the book. We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core! Burns: That plane crashed on _my_ property.

— Inalienable right of ownership, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Man: Look, Mr. Burns: we want to see some changes. For starters, you can reverse your sexist employment policies, and hire at least one woman. Burns: All right...I'll bring in a woman. But I still stand by my hiring policies. [A quacking duck in a hardhat pulls a wagon in] Get back to work, Stuart!

— Sub-minimum wage, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Optometrist: Your son has a temporary condition called "Lazy Eye" where one eye is weaker than the other. You'll have to wear these for two weeks. [places horn-rimmed glasses on Bart] Bart: Ohh... Optometrist: Menachem Begin wore a pair just like them!

— Oh, well, that's OK then, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Rub a palmful of this medicated salve into your scalp every half an hour. Keep him away from open flames and pregnant women.

— The dermatologist deals with Bart's dry scalp, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Lenny: Aw, if they hire a woman we won't be able to spit on the floor. Carl: And we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot. Homer: And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain... [Lenny and Carl look at each other suspiciously] Er, I mean, not...you know, if we wanted to...not that I... ever...did --

— And you'll have to leave the seat down, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Smithers: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your new co-worker, Mindy Simmons. I think she has a degree in Engineering or something. Mindy: Hi...how's it going? Lenny: Oh, pleased to meet you. Carl: [bored] Yeah, ditto.

— Carl, the life of the party, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.

— Homer tries to explain away a sexy vision, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Sherri+Terri: Nice glasses, four-eyes! Tee hee hee. Nelson: Yeah, nice shoes, uh...two-feet. Yeah. Martin: Your appearance is comical to me.

— Bart walks into class with new glasses and shoes, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Yep...another day, another box of stolen pens.

— Homer leaves work for the day, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: [hesitant] So...what do you guys think of Mindy? Carl: Seems OK. Anybody see the game last night? Homer: [dreamy] Yeah...that Mindy seems real nice. Lenny: Homer, what's with you? You're talking during a coffee break. Carl: Yeah. You usually just take the box of donuts into the bathroom. Homer: [pause] Mindy has a motorcycle.

— Ah, middle-aged love, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: Moe, I need your advice. Moe: [bored] Yeah. Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo...Junior...Shabadoo -- Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard. [A man leaves, weeping] Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!

— You'd think he'd be used to that by now, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: I'm attracted to another woman! What am I going to do? Barney: Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman, and you'll realize you have nothing in common. Homer: [amazed] Barney, that is so insightful. How did you come up with that? Barney: It was on one of these bar napkins.

— You can read?, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: [awkwardly] Uh...so, let's have a conversation. Um...I think we'll find we have very little in common. Mindy: Can't talk -- eating. Homer: [gasps] Hey, my favorite -- raspberry swirl with a double glaze. Mindy: [drooling] Double glaze... Homer: [whimpers] D'oh! OK, so we have one thing in common. But you know what I hate? [craftily] Drinking beer and watching TV... Mindy: [blissful] Oh, not me. That's my idea of heaven. Homer: [weakly] D'oh! Me too. Mindy: Really? I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. [whispers] I wanna sneak in a quick nap before lunch. [She walks off, and Homer can barely contain himself] Homer: Foul temptress. I'll bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy too!

— Commonality of deadly sins, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: Whew! I made it the whole day without seeing her again. [The elevator arrives and Homer gets in. The door closes and he notices he's crammed in with Mindy] Aah! I mean, hello! Mindy: [awkward] Heh...I guess we'll be going down together -- I mean, getting off togeth -- I mean -- Homer: That's OK. I'll just push the button for the stimulator -- I mean, elevator.

— Blast that infernal double entendre, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: Ah, home to my loving family. What more could a man ask for? [Marge appears in her nightie, blowing her nose] Marge: Hi Hober. Don't kiss be, I'b all stuffed ub. Homer: Eww! Bart: Hi Dad. Homer: Hi, son! How ya -- [pats Bart's goop-slicked hair] Eww! Lisa: Dad, look: I made fishsticks. They're burned on the outside but they're frozen on the inside so it balances out. Homer: Yeah...good. Abe: [chasing SLH] That raccoon stole my lamb chop!

— What more, indeed?, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: Hey, we haven't watched TV in a while! [turns it on] Kent: Tonight, "Eye On Springfield" takes a look at the secret affairs of Kennedy, Eisenhower, Bush, and Clinton. Did fooling around on their wives make them great? We'll find out next, when we play "Hail to the Cheat." Homer: [whimpers, changes channels] Man: {The Burmese Melon Fly has over a thousand sex partners, and suffers virtually no guilt --} Homer: {[whimpers, changes channels] [A bunch of scantily clad women work out on weight machines]} Woman: [seductive] Just do it! Homer: Aah! [runs out] Woman: {[seductive] Examine your scalp for ringworm. [Caption: "National Ringworm Association (The Other N.R.A.)"]}

— Homer tries to avoid thinking about Mindy, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: Hello, hotline? I'm very tempted by another woman. Ned: Homer Simpson? That's a dilly of a pickle. Let's conference you with Marge, huh?

— So much for anonymity, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: Who are you? Newton: Homer, I'm your guardian angel. I've assumed the form of someone you'd recognize and revere: Sir Isaac Newton. Homer: Sir Isa-who? Newton: Oh, very well. [transforms himself] Homer: [gasps] Colonel Klink! Did you ever get my letters? Klink: I'm not actually Colonel Klink, I'm just assuming his form. Homer: Hee hee hee! Did you know Hogan had tunnels all over your camp?

— The chance of a lifetime, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Klink: My job is to show you how miserable life would be if you married Mindy instead of Marge. [He takes Homer's hand, and they fly into the air] Homer: Ooh! I would live in a big mansion? [Homer and Mindy play tennis while Jeeves looks on] Mindy: I'm so happy, darling. Homer: I, as well. Are you happy, Jeeves? Jeeves: M'yes sir, quite. Homer: Then we're all happy! Klink: Let's get out of here...

— Spirit Homer is shown the problem with cheating, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Klink: Sure, life is good for you. But what about Marge? [They fly over the White House] Homer: [gasps] Marge lives here? Man: Madam President, your approval rating is soaring. Marge: Hmm...

— Alternate destinies shown to Spirit Homer, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Bart: What is this place? Nerd 1: The refuge of the damned. Martin: [gleeful] A place where we can work on our extra-credit assignments without fear of reprisal. Nerd 2: Come! You must be tired from the chase. Oliver! [claps] Bring our friend a hard-boiled egg and some prune juice. Martin: Finally, Bart's one of us! Everyone: Excelsior!

— Bart joins the nerd club, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: [singing] Oh Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking, But I sent you Ben Gay. Oh Andy, you kissed me and stopped me from something, And I -- [sees Lisa watching] Uh oh. Lisa: Dad, why are you singing? Homer: [thinking] Tell a lie, tell a lie. [spoken] Um, because I have a small role in a broadway musical. It's not much, but it's a start. [thinking] Bravo. [sarcastic clapping]

— Homer under pressure, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Lisa: Are you hiding something from me? Homer: Like what? Lisa: Judging from your song, you're infatuated with a woman named Mindy. [despondent] Or a man named Andy. Homer: [making things up] Lisa, look out behind you! Lisa: [jovial] Dad, I'm not gonna fall for that. Homer: No, Lisa, I swear to you: I'm 100\% completely serious! You've got to turn around right now before it's too late! Lisa: [turns] Huh? Homer: [running away] Sucker!

— No trick too childish, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: [reads writing on his palm] "Mindy, because of our uncontrollable attraction, I think we should avoid each other from now on." Lenny: [reads writing on his own palm] "Max, what I did, I did because of alcohol and anger." Man 2: [reads writing on his own large palm] "I am tired of these jokes about my giant hand. The first such incidents occurred in 1956 when..."

— Useful memory aids, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Mindy: Hi Homer... Homer: Mindy! [clears throat, glances at prepared speech on his hand which is now smeared] Oh no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert. [reads] "Muh...Murphy: Use...you are a elf...uncontrollably...I think ...a we nom yo ho renge kyo."

— Homer the inadvertent Buddhist, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

[Homer talks to Mindy on a monitor] Burns: Look at those two inseparable chums, Smithers. That's exactly the teamwork we'd like to showcase at this year's energy convention. Smithers: Are you sure? Burns: Well, no one else seems to share the same spirit of... camaraderie. [Monitor one shows people fighting with chairs] [Monitor two shows people strangling each other] [Monitor three shows a dead man with Stuart the duck pecking his eye]

— Serious communication problems, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Smithers: Simpson, Simmons: you two have been chosen to represent us at the national energy convention. Congratulations! You'll be spending two nights together in glamorous Capital City. Mindy: Wow, Capital City! The Windy Apple! Smithers: Come on, I'll get you the tickets. Homer: Oh, this is the worst crisis my marriage has ever faced! Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me? [Klink materializes] Klink: What is it? You have a question? Homer: Heh heh. Did you know Kinch had a radio in the coffee pot? Klink: [suspicious] He did?

— "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Bellhop: TV's there...bathroom's there...and there's your king-size bed for...[wolf-whistles, makes a cat noise, imitates a bed squeaking, purrs, pants, barks, howls, twiddles his lips] Hubba hubba! Homer: Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort.

— The best of intentions, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Mindy: Wow. If it weren't for this wall, we'd be sleeping in the same bed. Homer: Yeah. Uh, walls are a necessity in today's society, heh.

— Homer waxes philosophical, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Mindy: Homer? [whispers] I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a _lot_ of trouble. Homer: Oh, Mindy...we have to fight our temptation. Mindy: [seductive] No, Homer, let's do it. [joyous] Let's call room service! Homer: Oh...

— Not what he had in mind, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

{[a buzzer sounds in Mr. Burns' office]} Smithers: {Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.} Burns: {Well, we'll just see about that. [Walks over to a cage full of monkeys with wings] Fly, my pretties, fly! [They walk to the window and plummet to their deaths] [sighs] Continue the research.}

— Genetic engineering at SNPP, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

[Grunting and slurping noises] Mindy: [mouth full] I can't believe we ordered so much! Homer: Oh, something's missing...ooh! One of the turkeys fell behind the bed! Together: Mmm...foot-long chili dog.

— A match made in heaven, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Marge: Good news, honey: two weeks are up. You don't have to wear your glasses any more! And your scalp and posture seem fine. Bart: [triumphant] Yes! [kicks shoes off] {[They fly through the air and smash through Flanders' window]} Ned: {Kids, did anyone pray for giant shoes?} Rod: {I did!} Ned: {Okily dokily.}

— The Lord giveth..., "The Last Temptation of Homer"

We've been doing a lot of upper body work on Bart. Today, let's pound his kidneys.

— Nelson's bullying acumen, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Man 1: Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard! Mindy: Get bent! Man 2: No more Chernobyl! Homer: Go to hell!

— Homer and Mindy run the Nuclear Energy display, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: You know, I was a little worried about coming to this convention with you. But I think as long as we're not alone together -- Man: [over loudspeaker] And now, the moment you've been waiting for. This years King and Queen of Energy are Homer Simpson and Mindy Simmons! Homer: Huh? [Everyone applauds as the two are given crowns] Man: Homer, Mindy, you've just won a romantic dinner alone at Madam Chao's, the sexiest Chinese restaurant in Capital City. Homer: Is there any way to get out of this? Man: [stern] No!

— Accolades fit for a resume', "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Mindy: [sighs] What a perfect evening. It sure was nice of them to make us cheeseburgers. Homer: Uh, yeah.

— At a Chinese restaurant, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: [reading his fortune] "You will find happiness with a new love." [out loud] Aw, even the Chinese are against me. [sigh] What's the point? I can't fight fate. [In the kitchen...] Man 1: Hey, we're out of these "New Love" cookies. Man 2: Well, open up the "Stick With Your Wife" barrel.

— Controversial fortune cookies, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: [unhappy] Well, I guess you'll want to come in. Mindy: [bright] OK. Homer: [mocking] "OK!" [They sit on the bed] Mindy: This was a really nice night, Homer. Homer: Yeah, yeah.

— Homer, appreciative date, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Mindy: What's wrong? Homer: Oh, yeah, like you don't know. [weeping] We're gonna have sex! Mindy: Oh...well, we don't have to. Homer: [sad] Yes we do! The cookie told me so. Mindy: Well...desserts aren't always right. Homer: But they're so sweet!

— Homer and Mindy alone in the hotel, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Mindy: Homer...you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Homer: Well, maybe I want to...but then I think about Marge and the kids...well, not the boy: he drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to --

— Wandering train of thought, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer: Oh, baby. Marge: This was a _wonderful_ idea, Homey. [kisses him] Hey, there's a turkey behind the bed! Homer: Mmm, Marge. Marge: [laughs girlishly, turns out the light] Homer: [sings] Oh Margie, you came and you found me a turkey On my vacation away from worky...

— Homer, incurable romantic, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

The News On Parade Corporation presents "News On Parade Corporation News".

— A newsreel's introduction, "$pringfield"

Springfield: City On the Grow. It's a proud day as Springfield is declared one of America's four hundred fastest-growing cities. And why not? Business is booming! Half the country wears Springfield galoshes. And say hello to the state's first Aqua-Car factory. Keep 'em coming, boys! The city's even in the celebrity business. Everyone knows Professor Rubbermouth hails from Springfield. Everybody's chipping in; even this fellow [a dog with pulling a wagon with a sign, "I'll pull for Springfield"] has Springfield's can-do spirit. So watch out, Utica: Springfield is a City On the...Grow!

— Shameless newsreel tourism plugs, "$pringfield"

Abe: Hah! The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold. Jasper: They are.

— Logical conclusions, "$pringfield"

Bum: Got any spare change, man? Abe: Yes! And you ain't gettin' it. Everybody wants something for nothing. [Abe walks into the social security building] I'm old: gimme gimme gimme!

— Everybody indeed, "$pringfield"

Hey! _There's_ something you don't see in a toilet every day.

— Homer at the power plant, "$pringfield"

Homer: Anyone lose their glasses? [no one answers] Last chance! [still no one answers] Woo-hoo! [Homer fishes the glasses out of the toilet. He puts them on] The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Man: That's a _right_ triangle, you idiot! Homer: D'oh!

— Reverting to Homercles the Greek, "$pringfield"

Burns: Thank you so much for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger. Henry: It was fun. Smithers: We'll let you know if your glasses turn up. Henry: Er, yes, well, I'm sure I left them in the car. [sotto voce] No one must know I dropped them in the toilet; not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accord.

— Material for the National Enquirer, "$pringfield"

Smithers: Sir, bad news from accounting: the economy's hit us pretty hard. Burns: Heh, tough times, huh? I've lived through twelve recessions, eight panics, and five years of McKinleynomics. I'll survive this. Smithers: Even so, sir, we _could_ stand to lay off a few employees. Burns: [enthusiastic] Oh, very well! [points at some monitors] Lay off him, him, him, him -- [sees Homer wearing Kissinger's glasses] Hmm...better keep the egghead. He just might come in handy.

— An effective disguise, "$pringfield"

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you. Homer: [to Bart] Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do. Bart: I'm Bart. Lisa: [snatching them] Gimme those! Scott: And finally, Henry Kissinger was hospitalized today after walking into a wall.

— Cause and effect, "$pringfield"

Scott: And now over to Kent Brockman for some grim economic news. Kent: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. _Useful_ people are starting to feel the pinch. Barney: I haven't been able to find a job in six years. Kent: Hmph. And what training do you have? Barney: Five years of modern dance, six years of tap.

— Have you considered Broadway?, "$pringfield"

The economic slump began last spring when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries. [Shot shows prostitutes holding signs] Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame squarely on you, the viewers!

— Kent Brockman editorializes, "$pringfield"

Quimby: I propose that I use what's left of the town treasury to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. And, er, once elected, I will send for the rest of you. Audience: Boo! Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Mayor -- Quimby: The chair recognizes the little chick with the gleam of hope in her eyes. Lisa: This piggy bank contains fifteen dollars I've saved from my allowance. It isn't much, but I would like to help. Quimby: Aw, just what I need to tip the skycaps.

— The Mayor distinguishes himself, "$pringfield"

I'll tell you what made this town great! Good old-fashioned gumption. there's nothing here a little elbow-grease won't fix. So let's roll up our sleeves and -- [falls asleep standing up]

— Abe's pep rally, ruined by narcolepsy, "$pringfield"

Quimby: People, people: let's be a little more realistic. Skinner: Now, I, uh, hesitate to bring this up, but a number of cities have rejuvenated their economies with, er, legalized gambling. [Everyone talks excitedly] There _is_ an added bonus: some of the revenue can go to help our underfunded public schools. [Everyone stares stonily] Patty: {Well, I liked the part about the gambling.}

— Principal Skinner: one for two, "$pringfield"

Ned: What do you think, reverend? Lovejoy: Once something has been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral. Audience: Yay! Burns: By building a casino, I could tighten my stranglehold on this dismal town! Audience: Yay! Barney: {[burps]} Audience: {Yay!}

— No one fickle here, "$pringfield"

Quimby: Well now, are there any objections? [Everyone grumbles, "Marge Simpson..."] Marge: Actually, I think it might really help our economy. [Everyone sounds surprised] Quimby: Very well, then: instead of fleeing this town, I'll sit back and grow fat off kickbacks and slush funds. Audience: Yay!

— And everyone is happy!, "$pringfield"

Marge: This could be a whole new beginning for Springfield. Homer: And you know what the best part is? We've really done something for the children.

— Advantages of legalized gambling, "$pringfield"

Quimby: We're thrilled you've decided to build your casino on our waterfront. Burns: Oh, I'll never forget my carefree boyhood days on this old boardwalk. [flashback to Mr. Burns driving a bumper car -- straight into the legs of a workman] Workman: Why you -- oh! Master Burns. I mean, carry on! [Young Burns smashes him repeatedly] Ah! Oh! Ow! Oh, me leg's gone gimpy. Who will provide for me little ones?

— Burns the sadist, "$pringfield"

Smithers: Sir, the designers are here with some prototypes for your casino. Brit: Gentlemen, I give you Brittania! Gambling with all the glitz and glamour of the British Isles. Best of all, the waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits -- fresh from the streets of Sussex, they are. Woman: Freshen your drink, Guv'ner? Burns: Get out. Hippy: OK, all right, wait, now -- now dig this, man -- Burns: Get out. Hippy: Ho ho, wow, oh, let me just get my head together. Burns: Now! McAllister: I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail 'round the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen. Burns: We're building a casino! McAllister: Arr...can you give me five minutes?

— One bad design after another, "$pringfield"

Lisa: Mom, we're having a geography pageant at school, and I don't know which state to go as. Marge: In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada? Lisa: No: Nevada makes my butt look big.

— Texas would be worse, "$pringfield"

Marge: Then how about going as Florida? You enjoy orange juice, old people like you -- Lisa: Dad, what do _you_ think? Homer: Shh! I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble. Marge: Why? Homer: I got a job at Burns' casino. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer. Marge: Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on "The Gong Show", and you did it in 1977, remember? [Flashback to Homer and Barney playing a giant harmonica, wearing a pair of two-man large overalls, getting gonged and booed] Homer: We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.

— Something to be proud of, "$pringfield"

Gerry: Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns' Casino! If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please: just let me know. Otto: Er, great. See ya! Gerry: Uh, don't forget to apply for our V.I.P. Platinum Club for special discounts on -- Otto: Hey! I said, bug off! [Otto punches him in the jaw, and he collapses]

— That glass jaw again, "$pringfield"

Homer: Uh, let's see: eighteen, twenty-seven, thirty-five...Dealer busts! Looks like you all win again. Texan: Yee-haw! Homer, I want you to have my lucky hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it always brings me good luck. Homer: Why thanks, Senator! Oh -- looks like my shift is over. Everyone: Uh oh. [they all leave]

— Taking a break, gentlemen?, "$pringfield"

Abe: {Come on, lucky seven! Poppa needs a new pair of spats. I want some of that sweet, sweet Do Re Mi. Fat city, here I come!} Apu: {Please throw the dice now, please, now.} Abe: {Don't rush me! I have arthritis.} Man: {Would the gentleman please roll the dice?} Abe: {All right, all right, smart guy. Oh, for crying out loud, I dropped one. Oh, now it's in my shoe. Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!...}

— No free drinks for _him_, "$pringfield"

Bart: Woo-hoo! Jackpot. Kid: Wait a minute: are you over 21? Bart: Are you? Kid: I'm not authorized to answer that.

— Crafty questioning, "$pringfield"

Bart: By the way, your martinis suck! Kid: Oh yeah? What are you going to do? Start your own casino in your treehouse and get all your little friends to come? I'd like to see that. Ah ha ha ha... [Kids pile into Bart's new casino in his treehouse] Bart: Hi, yeah, welcome. Have a lucky day. Mm hmm. Kid: Well, he certainly showed me.

— Retributive justice at its finest, "$pringfield"

Blofeld: 20. Your move, Mr. Bond. Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer gives him a card] Joker! You were supposed to take those out of the deck. Homer: Oh, sorry. Here's another one. Bond: What's this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"? Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond. [Odd Job and Jaws grab Bond and drag him out] Bond: But...but it's Homer's fault! I didn't lose. I never lose! Well, at least tell me the details of your plot for world domination. Blofeld: Ho ho ho, I'm not going to fall for _that_ one again. [as they all leave, Marge comes in, holding Maggie]

— "$pringfield"

Hey, how's it going? Hey: good to see you. Hey, friends: looking lucky. Hey, what's happenin'? Love the jacket.

— Bart the Emcee at his own casino, "$pringfield"

Homer: {Twenty-one? Do that card counting thing again. Come on: do it again.} Raymond: {Definitely have to leave the table.} Homer: {No! Please, please, please, please, please?} Raymond: {Gotta watch Wapner. Leave the table. Yeah, leave the table.} Homer: {No! [grabs his arm]} Raymond: {Aah! [screams repeatedly, hits his head with his palm]} Homer: {Aah! [screams repeatedly, hits his head with his palm]}

— Autism is contagious, "$pringfield"

Smithers: Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago. Burns: Yeah, well, I've discovered the perfect business: people swarm in, empty their pockets, and scuttle off. Nothing can stop me now -- [paranoid] except microscopic germs. But we won't let that happen, will we, Smithers? Smithers: Uh, no sir.

— Good thing they're not in Iraq, "$pringfield"

Man: A baby on the table! That's good luck! Everyone: Yay! [The man throws the dice, and they come up double one] Croupier: Snake-eyes. Sorry. Everyone: Boo!

— Blast those 35:1 odds, "$pringfield"

Hillbilly: Gawrsh: it must be excitin' to live in the cuh-see-no. Gunter: Ja. Ernst: You know, we're having a party tonight... [Maggie pulls on Anastasia's whiskers playfully] [She roars and tries to bite Maggie, but Barney saves her] Barney: Marge, you gotta watch out. Your little boy, Bart, could have been eaten by that pony!

— Saved in the nick of time, "$pringfield"

[Barney watches Marge gamble] Barney: Man, that's classic compulsive behavior. [Sees a waitress holding a tray with three cups on it] Wow, free beer! [He chugs all three] Man: Buddy, those are my quarters! [Barney burps up some quarters] Woman: This guy's paying off!

— How to win friends, "$pringfield"

Krusty: {I don't want to hit a sore spot, but can we talk about herpes? Herpes herpes, bo-berpes, banana, fana fo-ferpes -- her-pes. Ow! Hey: that spot on Gorbachev's head -- herpes, trust me! Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh? [No one answers] You people are the worst audience I've ever seen.} Man: {You're the worst comedian we've ever seen!} Krusty: {Oh, great! Well, we'll just sit here silently for the next ninety minutes.} Man: {Fine with us.} Krusty: {[groans and sits]}

— Comedic lead balloons, "$pringfield"

Burns: [spraying the monitors with disinfectant] They're all covered with filthy germs, aren't they Smithers? Smithers: Why, what do you mean, sir? [The germs on Smithers' face grow in size before Burns' eyes] Germs: Freemasons run the country! Burns: Ew!

— Germ back-masking, "$pringfield"

Homer: Marge! You waited for me. Marge: Er -- Homer: OK, Marge, let's go. Marge: I'll catch up to you. Homer: Marge, I'm taking the car. Marge: I'll walk. Homer: This late? Through the bad neighborhood? Marge: Yeah. Homer: Marge -- Marge: Go home! You're bad luck. Homer: Wait! I see what's happening here. You're just mad because everyone in this town loves gambling except for you. Well that's just sad.

— Homer Perot, "$pringfield"

Smithers: Er -- Marge: [annoyed] What? Smithers: Excuse me, ma'am: don't you think you've gambled enough? Marge: No! Smithers: OK. We're required by law to ask every 75 hours. Get her another free drink.

— Just doin' my job, "$pringfield"

Lisa: Do you get the feeling this family is disintegrating? I mean, we haven't had a meal with Mom all week. And she hasn't even started my costume for the geography pageant. Bart: Pipe down, sister. I gotta book a new act for tonight. Turns out that Liza Minnelli impersonator was really Liza Minnelli. [shudders]

— Wouldn't want to book her, "$pringfield"

Lisa: There's nothing to eat for breakfast. Homer: You gotta improvise, Lisa: cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust -- Lisa: Maybe mom just doesn't realize we missed her. We could go down to the casino and let her know... Homer: Oh, come on, Lisa, there's no reason to -- [takes a bite] -- let's go see Mom.

— Maybe there _was_ a reason, "$pringfield"

Homer: Marge, we need to talk. You're spending too much time at the casino and I think you may have a problem. Marge: I won sixty dollars last night! Homer: Woo-hoo! Problem solved.

— Elegant solutions, "$pringfield"

[Mr. Burns hold a model airplane] Burns: Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the "Spruce Moose", and it will carry two hundred passengers from New York's Idyllwild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen minutes! Smithers: That's quite a nice model, sir. Burns: Model?

— Burns' brain, slowly pickling, "$pringfield"

Lisa: Mom! Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up? Lisa: I just had a bad dream! Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it. Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding under -- Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!

— So much for parental guidance, "$pringfield"

Marge: What happened here? Homer: Oh, nothing, Marge. Just a little incident involving the bogeyman! [He tosses the shotgun aside and it discharges] Of course, none of this would have happened if you had been here to keep me from acting stupid.

— Aware of his own limitations, "$pringfield"

Marge: I'm sorry. I _have_ been spending too much time at the casino. I'll be around more from now on. Lisa: Does this mean you'll help me with my costume? Marge: Sure, honey. I promise. Lisa: Thanks, Mom. [Marge hugs her] Homer: Aw, just like on TV. [Homer trips on an ottoman. A laugh-track is heard]

— Meta-humor, "$pringfield"

Goulet: Hi. You from the casino? Bart: I'm from _a_ casino. Goulet: Good enough. Let's go.

— A Machiavellian ploy, "$pringfield"

Smithers: I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir. Burns: Hmm. Very well; begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

— Thank God for cryogenic Gomer, "$pringfield"

Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager. Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up! Goulet: _Vera_ said that? Hmph. {[struggles to climb the ladder up to the treehouse]}

— You ought to know her well, "$pringfield"

Lisa: Dad, Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume and she's not, and the geography pageant is tonight! Homer: Lisa, your mom still loves you. It's just that she has a career now. She's a slot-jockey. Lisa: But Dad, if I don't show up in a rubber suit shaped like the state of Florida, I'll be the laughing-stock of the whole school! Homer: [disgusted] Oh, it's always _something_, isn't it? First I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital so she can give birth to you. And now this.

— From bad to worse, "$pringfield"

Homer: Hello, Florida! [tapes an orange to her, but it falls off] Lisa: [gasps] I'm not a state, I'm a monster! [sobs] Homer: [wipes a tear away] No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

— A man of action, "$pringfield"

Burns: Smithers, I don't want that unpredictable lunatic working in my casino. Smithers: Fine, we'll transfer him to the nuclear plant, sir. Burns: Aw, my beloved plant. How I miss her -- bah! To hell with this. Get my razors! Draw a bath! Get these kleenex boxes off my feet. Smithers: Certainly, sir. And, uh, the jars of urine? Burns: Oh, we'll hang onto those. Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose. [picks up the model] Hop in! Smithers: But, sir -- Burns: [pointing a gun] I said, hop in.

— Inexorable logic, "$pringfield"

Homer: [grabbing Marge] Yer gotta redda kid forrad yarrar! Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down! Homer: [slowly] J'yer gedda ferda redderarrar. Marge: Think before you say each word. Homer: You broke a promise to your child. Marge: What? Homer: You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed -- she's such a little trooper.

— Maggie the Brave, "$pringfield"

Homer: Marge, I want you to admit you have a gambling problem. Marge: You know, you're right, Homer. Maybe I should get some professional help. Homer: No, no, that's too expensive. Just don't do it any more.

— "$pringfield"

[singing] Jingle Bells, Batman Smells Robin laid an egg Batmobile lost its wheel The Joker got away, hey! [spoken] Thank you, thank you very much. [hits Milhouse in the face with the microphone] Oh, I'm sorry, kid...

— Robert Goulet performs for Bart and his friends, "$pringfield"

Skinner: And special awards go to the two students who obviously had no help from their parents: Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum. Ralph: I'm Idaho! Skinner: Yes, of course you are.

— Ralph and his "Idaho" sign, "$pringfield"

Homer: You know, Marge, for the first time in our marriage I can finally look down my nose at you. _You_ have a gambling problem! Marge: That's true. Will you forgive me? Homer: Oh, sure. Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? Marge: Hmm. Homer: Well, that's nothing, because _you_ have a gambling problem! And remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house 'cause he was dressed like Santa Claus? Marge: Hmm. Homer: Well _you_ have a gambling problem! Marge: Homer, when you forgive someone, you can't throw it back at them like that. Homer: Aw, what a gyp. [They kiss] Homer: Remember when I -- Marge: Homer! Homer: Oh, yeah; I forgot already.

— Forgive, and...forget, "$pringfield"

Bart: Dad...we've been robbed! Lisa: Wake up, Dad, wake up! There was a burglar and he took my saxophone! Homer: Woo-hoo! Bart: And our portable TV! Homer: D'oh! Marge: And my necklace! Homer: Ehh, that's no big loss. Marge: Homer, that necklace was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom. Homer: Oh, you've probably got a whole drawer full of 'em. Marge: Well, yes I do. But they're all heirlooms too.

— The morning after the burglar's visit, "Homer the Vigilante"

Bart: [upset] The burglar even took my stamp collection. Lisa: _You_ had a stamp collection? [Homer, Marge, and Lisa laugh their heads off] [The phone rings; Bart answers it] Nelson: Stamp collection? Ha ha!

— News travels fast, "Homer the Vigilante"

Lisa: Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't. That saxophone was my one creative outlet. It was the only way I could truly express myself. Homer: Shh, quiet, Lisa.

— "Homer the Vigilante"

Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighborinos! Homer: Can't talk. Robbed. Go hell. Flanders: Heh. You folks got robbed too? The burglar took my Shroud of Turin beach towels. Bart: Wow, it's a crime wave!

— Misplaced adoration, "Homer the Vigilante"

Lisa: {We _are_ insured, aren't we, Mom?} Marge: {Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance.} Homer: {Curse you, magic beans!} Marge: {Oh, stop blaming the beans.}

— "Homer the Vigilante"

Homer: Hello, Police? Are you sitting down? Good! I wish to report a robbery. Wiggum: [bored] A robbery, right. Thanks for the report. [hangs up] That's _another_ one, Lou...723 Evergreen Terrace. [Looks at a map with the robbery locations marked on it] Well, there doesn't seem to be any pattern yet, but if I take this one and move it here...and I move these over here...hello! It _almost_ looks like an arrow! Lou: Hey, look, Chief: it's pointing right at this police station. Wiggum: Let's get out of here!

— Deduction at its finest, "Homer the Vigilante"

Kent: When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be. So, professor: would you say it's time for everyone to panic? Professor: Yes I would, Kent.

— Reasoned judgement, "Homer the Vigilante"

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen -- please. We have a major break in the case. We recovered the burglar's hankerchief from one of the crime scenes. Now, one sniff of this baby, and our tracking dog will be hot on his trail. Gosh, look at me, I'm...sweating like a pig here. [wipes himself] Oh... aw man...that's better. All right, get the scent, boy. [dog sniffs it] Come on, get the scent. Now kill! [Dog jumps at his throat] Oh! Ow! Hey! Oh, my jugular, argh! Ooh! Any questions?

— Chief Wiggum at the press conference, "Homer the Vigilante"

{[a laser hits Jasper in the eyes] Jasper: Oh!...my cataracts are gone. I can see again! All the beauty of na -- [Another laser hits him in the eyes] I'm blind. Oh well: easy come, easy go.}

— Jasper's nonchalance over sight, "Homer the Vigilante"

Abe: Oh! It's the Cat Burglar. Please don't kill me! Malloy: Abe, can I borrow your ointment? Abe: Oh, it's you, Malloy. All right -- but this time, clean off the applicator!

— A close call, "Homer the Vigilante"