Movie Trivia

Joe Frazier: Keep those pig legs coming, Moe. Moe: You cleaned me out, Smokin' Joe.

— "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Homer, I know how you feel. You lost the couch. I lost the heavyweight championship.

— Smokin' Joe Frazier, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Heavyweight championship? There's like three of those.

— Homer, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

All right, a peanut! [eats it]

— Barney, trashcanned, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb: All a man needs is an idea. Bum: Then how come you're still a bum?

— Good point, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

A man needs two things: an idea, and money to get it off the ground.

— Herb Powell, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

I feel so empty, so alone, so... couchless.

— Homer laments the fate of his couch, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends.

— Homer discovers his new couch, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Ned: [answering the door] Yes? Herb: Oh, I'm sorry, I must have the wrong house. Ned: Oh, that's where you're wrong, friend.

— Herb pays a visit, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Todd: Dad, can I anoint the sores on [Herb's] feet? Ned: No, I think it's Mom's turn, son. Todd: Aw, no fair.

— Goody two-shoes family, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

If you ever want to sleep over, Maude and I can sleep on card tables.

— Ned Flanders, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Oh, they're singing again. Lousy neighbors, wish I was deaf.

— Homer, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

[at the door] Herb: What am I going to say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions, how to express them? [Homer answers the door.] Homer: Herb? [Herb punches him out]

— There's a good way, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb: Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face! Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt? Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.

— "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Marge: Herb! How have you been? Herb: Well, I've been living in a cardboard box, sleeping on grates, eating out of dumpsters. You? Marge: Hmm, can't complain.

— "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Bart: Unckie Herb, what advice would you give to a young boy who would most likely become a bum like yourself? Herb: Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese.

— "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Lisa: Why didn't you write, Unckie Herb? Herb: Hey, if I wrote to you, what was I supposed to say? "Dear Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow, thanks to your pop?"

— "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb: [rolls a 3] Ventnor Avenue. Lisa: And while on Ventnor Avenue, you'll be staying at the fabulous Hotel Lisa. A valet will be around shortly to park your thimble. Of course, there is the unpleasant matter of the bill. Herb: Get to the point. Lisa: 1150 bones.

— "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Why are we playing games when we got two grand in the bank? Remember when Homer won the Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Acheivement in the Field of Excellence?

— Bart (whuzzuh)?, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

I think we should get a machine gun. We can use it to hunt game, spell out things, or ring in the New Year!

— Bart, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb: How would you like to spend $2,000 to give a broken man a second chance? Homer: Nah.

— Brotherly love, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

It measures the pitch, the frequency, and the urgency of a baby's cry, and then tells whoever's around, in plain English, exactly what the baby's trying to say! Everything from "Change me" to "Turn off that damn Raffi record!"

— Herb explains his baby translator, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Homer: All right, Herb. I'll give you the money, but first you have to forgive me and treat me like a brother. Herb: Nope. Homer: All right, then just give me the drinking bird.

— Homer and the bird, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb: Now I bet you're all wondering what lies under this sheet. Bart: Not really. We snuck a peek while you were in the john.

— "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Homer: I can't believe we spent $2,000 on this when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks. Herb: Homer, would you stop thinking about your ass?! Homer: I try, but I can't...

— An ass-obsessed man, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Lavish attention on me, and entertain me.

— Maggie's first "words", "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Lisa: Maggie? Maggie? [covers her eyes] Maggie: [babbles] Translator: [monotone] Where did you go? Lisa: Peekaboo! [uncovers eyes] Maggie: [laughs] Translator: [monotone] Oh, there you are. Very amusing.

— The side-effects of the translator, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

People are afraid of new things. You should have just taken an existing product and put a clock on it or something.

— Homer, on the baby translator, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

I gave Herb all the money I had in the world, and he still treats me like something he pulled out of his ear.

— Homer laments his fate, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

I'm rich again! U-S-A! U-S-A!

— Herb's success with the translator, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

I bet you don't have a vibrating chair in that bag for me.

— Homer to Herb about his lack of present, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb: Give me a hug, brother. Homer: All right, but I never really hugged a man before.

— "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Homer: [receives a sweepstakes junk mail with a `You may have already won' check] One million dollars! I'm rich! [rushes to the bank] Teller: Mr. Simpson, I can assure you, this check of yours is non-negotiable. Homer: Oh yeah? Well, what makes you so damn sure? Teller: See where it says, "VOID VOID VOID" and "This is not a check", "Cash value one twentieth of a cent", "Mr. Banker, do not honor"... Homer: Shut up.

— "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Homer: I had a feeling it was too good to be true. Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal. Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points.

— Homer may have already won $1 million, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Marge: Well, at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest. Homer: Marge, I never read a magazine in my life, and I'm not going to start now.

— "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Homer: [reading `Reading Digest'] Hey, a cartoon! [a woman tries to explain a pile of metal that used to be a car] "Well, dear, you always wanted a compact..." [laughs] Ain't it the truth! Marge: No, it's not the truth, Homer. It's well-documented that women are safer drivers than men. Homer: Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh. [gets up, revealing rear cleavage]

— "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Len: Hey Einstein, put down your reading. It's lunchtime! Homer: Ah, you go ahead. Len: Hey, you don't want to eat? What did you do, get one of those stomach staples? Homer: As Tolstoi said in Quotable Notables, "Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread."

— "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Burns: Who is that bookworm, Smithers? Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. Burns: Simpson, eh? How very strange. His job description clearly specifies an illiterate!

— Why is Homer reading on the job? "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Announcer: We now return to Troy McClure and Dolores Montenegro in "Preacher with a Shovel". Man's voice: But irrigation can <save> your people, Chief Smiling Bear!

— The wonders of the American cinema, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Marge: You've certainly taking a shying to that magazine. Homer: It's not just <one> magazine, Marge; they take <hundreds> of magazines, filter out the crap, and leave you with something that fits right in your front pocket. [struggles to shove it into his front pocket, tearing the seams in the process]

— Reading is fundamental, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Homer: [reading] Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers dread... the pitiless bark of the sea lion! [gasp] He'll be killed! Marge: Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article. Homer: Don't be so... [flips ahead] Oh, you're right.

— Book at bedtime, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Homer: [reads] Seven ways to spice up your marriage. [ahem] [reads woodenly] Marge, you have a nice body. And if you'd like to see me in a costume, you have only to ask. Marge: Why, thank you, Homey.

— Book at bedtime, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Homer: Wow, `Win a trip to Washington, DC. All expenses paid, VIP tour'... Oh, it's for kids. [throws into trash] Lisa: Wait, Dad. [fishes out of trash] Mm, an essay contest. Children under twelve, three hundred words, fiercely pro-American. Sounds interesting.

— "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

[as tranquil music plays in the background, Lisa writes her essay] What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today? He'd say... [tranquil music abruptly stops] [erasing] Oh, think of a better opening.

— After all, Ben Franklin was an editor, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Lisa: Thanks for driving me to the contest, Dad. Homer: Sweetheart, there's nothing I wouldn't do for that magazine.

— "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

We the purple? What the hell was that?

— Father to son on his essay topic, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Who would have guessed reading and writing would pay off!

— Homer, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Steward: Yes, sir, can I get you something? Homer: Playing cards, note pad, aspirin, sewing kit, pilot's wing pin, propeller-shaped swizzle stick, sleeping mask, and anything else I've got coming to me. Steward: I'll see what I can do.

— Flying to Washington, DC, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Pilot: And this control stick is like the handlebars on your tricycle. Now, would you like to see where we hang our coats? Bart: No thank you. I'd rather push this button. [leans over and pushes a button] Pilot: No! [in the main cabin, oxygen masks descend from the overhead compartments] Homer: Aagh! We're all going to die! [screams from the passengers]

— Are you breathing naturally? "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

[at the airport, sees a chauffeur holding a sign that reads, `SIMPSON'] Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do!

— Homer, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Wow! A shoe horn! Just like in the movies!

— Homer is amazed at what comes with the hotel room, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Ooh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to increase your word power'. That thing is really, really.. really.... good.

— Homer, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Faith: Lisa, I'd like you to meet some of the other finalists. This is Trong Van Din and Maria Diminguez. Maria and Trong: Hello. Faith: Maria is the national spelling bee champion, and Trong has won both the Westinghouse Talent Search and the NFL Punt, Pass and Kick competition. Lisa: Have either of you ever run into any problems because of your superior ability? Maria: Mm. Trong: Sure, I guess. Lisa: Oh! Me, too! [embraces them]

— The plight of the superior, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Faith: These are special VIP badges. They'll get you into places other tourists never see. Homer: Miss, what does the `I' stand for? Faith: Important. Homer: Ooh. How about the `V'? Faith: Very. Homer: Oh. And Miss, just one more question. Faith: Person. Homer: Ah... What does the `I' stand for again?

— Short term um, what's that called... "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Bart: [reading a sign] On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled back-to-back 300 games. Homer: Yeah, right.

— Would he lie to you? "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Marge: Wow, the President's bathroom... Lisa: [opens a curtain, revealing our First Lady in the tub soaking] Babs: [gasp] Do you mind! Lisa: Barbara Bush! Babs: Ugh, you have those damn badges. Okay... [playing tour guide] This tub was installed in 1894...

— The VIP tour, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Tour guide: Folks, we print more than 18 million bills a day. Oh, and in case you were wondering, no, we don't give out free samples. [tour group chuckles] Homer: Lousy cheap country...

— "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Homer: Bart! Get out of the Spirit of St. Louis!

— Or is it Looey? "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Marge: [admiring the Washington Monument] [chuckles] Homer: Hey, what's so funny? Marge: [whispers] Homer: Oh, Marge, grow up.

— Did he say, `up'? "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Well, Jerry, you're a whale of a lobbyist, and I'd like to give you a logging permit, I would. But this isn't like burying toxic waste. People are going to notice those trees are gone.

— The quandaries of a Congressman, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Arnold: You must be Lisa Simpson. Lisa: Hello, sir. Arnold: Lisa, you're a doer. And who knows, maybe someday you'll be a congressman or a senator. We have quite a few women senators, you know. Lisa: Only two. I checked. Arnold: [chuckles] You're a sharp one.

— Congressman Arnold has met his match? "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Moe: [seeing a photo of Congressman Arnold and Lisa in the paper] Aw, isn't that nice. Now <there> is a politician who cares. Barney: If I ever vote, it'll be for him! [belch]

— Portrait of a Nonvoter, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Lisa: I'm too excited to sleep. Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial? Homer: [half asleep] Who's that? Lisa: An early crusader for women's rights. She led the Floor Mop Rebellion of 1910. Later, she appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece.

— "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

"I will iron your sheets when you iron out the inequities in your labor laws." Amen, sister.

— Lisa reads the inscription on the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Lisa: [over the strains of the Battle Hymn of the Republic] [sees the Lincoln Memorial in the reflecting pool] Honest Abe, he'll show me the way. [goes to the memorial] Mr. Lincoln? Man: Mr. Lincoln, I need your advice. What can I do to make this a better country? Woman: Is this a good time to buy a house? Woman: I can't get my boy to brush proper. Man: Would I look good with a mustache? Old man: [takes of his hat, revealing his bald pate] So I tried some turpentine but that just made it worse. Lisa: [trying to make herself heard over the din] Mr. Lincoln? My name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem.

— "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Lisa: Mr. Jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem. Jefferson: I know your problem. The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded. Lisa: Sorry, sir. It's just... Jefferson: No one ever comes to see me. I don't blame them. I never did anything important. Just the Declaration of Independence, the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter... Lisa: Uh, maybe I should be going. I've caught you at a bad time... [leaves] Jefferson: Wait! Please don't go. I get so lonely...

— Talking heads, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Page: Senator, there's a problem at the essay contest. Senator: Please, son, I'm very busy. Page: A little girl is losing faith in democracy! Senator: Good Lord!

— "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Speaker: We now vote on House bill 1022, the expulsion of Bob Arnold. Representative: Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but shouldn't we tack on a pay raise for ourselves? All: No!

— Heed my quips... "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

When my family arrived in this country four months ago, we spoke no English and had no money in our pockets. Today, we own a nationwide chain of wheel-balancing centers. Where else but in America, or possible Canada, could our family find such opportunity? That's why, whenever I see the Stars and Stripes, I will always be reminded of that wonderful word: flag!

— Trong's award-winning speech, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Imprisoned Congressman Becomes Born-Again Christian

— If it's in the paper, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Faith: Will the winning essay be... Bubble On, O Melting Pot, Lift High Your Lamp, Green Lady, USA A-OK, or Cesspool on the Potomac? Bart: Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool!

— Awards ceremony, "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"

Ahem. Hello, everyone. Before last year's Hallowe'en show, I warned you not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Mm. Well, this year's episode is even worse. It's scarier, more violent, and I think they snuck in some bad language, too. So please, tuck in your children and... [sighs] Well, if you didn't listen to me last time, you're not going to now. Enjoy the show.

— Marge's second disclaimer, "Treehouse of Horror II"

And to conclude this Hallowe'en newscast on a scary note... Remember, the Presidential primaries are only a few months away. [chuckles]

— Kent Brockman, "Treehouse of Horror II"

Marge: If you eat too much, you'll have nightmares. Bart: [mouth full of candy] [sarcasm] Oh yeah, everybody in the family is going to have bad nightmares tonight, ha! Lisa: [more sarcasm] Oh yeah, three bad nightmares. Homer: [yet more sarcasm] I'd like to see that! Heh heh heh!

— Little do they know... "Treehouse of Horror II"

Homer: What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this? Lisa: [annoyed] Dad, that's Monaco.

— A visit to Morocco, `The Monkey's Paw' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Vendor: Sir, I must strongly advise you: Do not purchase this. Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune. I, myself, was once president of Algeria. Homer: Come on, pal, I don't want to hear your life story. Paw me!

— A visit to Morocco, `The Monkey's Paw' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Marge: Ew, Homer, where did you get that ugly thing? Homer: Why, at that little shop right over... there? [all that's left is a gust of wind] [gasp!] Oh, no, wait, it was over there. [points at the shop]

— Sleight of hand, `The Monkey's Paw' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Marge: Homer, maybe fame and fortune aren't as bad as they say. Woman 1: If I hear one more thing about the Simpsons, I swear, I'm going to scream. Woman 2: At first they were cute and funny, but now they are just annoying.

— Dame Fortune frowns, `The Monkey's Paw' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Come to think of it, the guy that sold me this thing did say the wishes would bring grave misfortune. I thought he was just being colorful.

— Homer, `The Monkey's Paw' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Lisa: [takes the paw] I wish for world peace. [the second finger on the paw closes] Homer: Lisa, that was very selfish of you!

— `The Monkey's Paw' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

British ambassador: Eh, sorry about the Falklands, old boy. Argentine ambassador: Oh, forget it. We kind of knew they were yours.

— The peace dividend, `The Monkey's Paw' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

People of earth! We come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace!

— The green aliens, `The Monkey's Paw' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!

— The green aliens, `The Monkey's Paw' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Len: They're conking us with a club! Man: Wish we'd saved an A-bomb or two...

— Green aliens invade, `The Monkey's Paw' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, <and> I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it? [the monkey's paw closes its finger in understanding] [a turkey sandwich materializes] [Homer takes it] Hey! [digs in] Not bad. Nice, hot mustard. Good bread. The turkey's a little dry. [in realization] The turkey's a little dry! Oh, foe, the cursed teeth! [huh?] What demon from the depths of hell created thee!

— Homer deals with... `The Monkey's Paw' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Okily dokily!

— Ned Flanders, `The Monkey's Paw' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Alien 1: It seems the earthlings won. Alien 2: Did they? That board with a nail in it may have defeated us. But the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails, and soon, they will make a board with a nail so big, it will destroy them all! [both aliens laugh evilly, for quite some time]

— `The Monkey's Paw' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Presented for your consideration: Springfield. An average little town, with a not-so-average monster. [townsfolk wander around with nervous smiles, saying, `Happy happy!'] The people of Springfield have to make sure they think happy thoughts and say happy things. Because this particular monster can read minds. and if displeased, can turn people into grotesque walking terrors.

— Welcome to... `The Bart Zone' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

And did I mention to you that the monster is a ten-year-old boy? [zoom in on Bart] Quite a twist, huh? Bet you didn't see that one coming.

— Welcome to... `The Bart Zone' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Bart: [sees Snowball 2] Every day, same old cat. I'll make it more interesting. [furrows his brow, turning the cat into a multi-colored fire-breathing whatever] Snowball: Meow. [fire breath singes the breakfast table. The cereal box is on fire] Bart: Ah, there. That's better. Marge: Much better. Oh, good! The curtains are on fire. Homer: [nervously] It's good that you made that.. awful thing, Bart. It's real good. [Marge hoses down the fire with the fire extinguisher]

— `The Bart Zone' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on <my> side.

— Homer to Marge, on Bart's impish powers, `The Bart Zone' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Well, class the history of our country has been changed again, to correspond with Bart's answers on yesterday's test. [groans from the class] America was now discovered in 1942 by ... [consults] `Some Guy'. And our country isn't called America any more. It's Bonerland.

— Ms. Krabappel, `The Bart Zone' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Moe: [answers the phone] Moe's Tavern. ... Hold on, I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt. All: [laugh] Barney: Ho ho, that's a good one. Moe: Wait a minute... [picks up the receiver] Bart: [hangs up and laughs] Ms.K: [holding the phone, forces a laugh]

— `The Bart Zone' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

The kick is up! It's looking good! The ball is turning into a fat bald guy! [Homer sails through the air (`Aaaaaaaaagh!') and collides with the goal post. (Twanggggg!)] And it's no good! And you know what we say every time something strange happens! It's good that Bart did that! It's <very> good!

— Football announcer, `The Bart Zone' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

[laughs sickly] Well, we're still on. Three hundred and forty-six consecutive hours, and all because of one little boy who... who WON'T LET ME STOP!!! [delirious] Anyway, now let's go over and see if Sideshow Mel has any more of those legal over-the-counter wake-up drugs of his!

— Krusty's marathon, `The Bart Zone' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Marge: Goodness, what's wrong? Bart: We both had nightmares. Lisa: Can we sleep with you? Homer: You both toilet trained? Bart and Lisa: [indignantly] Yes!

— "Treehouse of Horror II"

Smithers: [over P.A.] Attention Homer Simpson. Attention Homer Simpson. Homer: [still dozing at his post] Smithers: Wake up, Homer. Homer: [startles awake] Smithers: You're fired. Homer: For what? Smithers: For sleeping on the job. Homer: How'd you know I was sleeping? Smithers: We've been watching you on the surveillance camera. Homer: Camera? [spots the camera] D'oh!

— `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Behold! The greatest breakthrough in labor relations since the cat o' nine tails! [unveils his Frankenstein monster]

— `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Lisa: [reading the classifieds] Hey, here's a good job, Dad! Oh, wait, you have to know how to operate an ultrasonic lithotriptor. Homer: How hard can it be? Bart: Hey Dad, here's one! $28/hr, plenty of fresh air, and you get to meet lots of interesting people. Homer: Ooh, what job is that? Bart: Grave digger. [laughs evilly]

— `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Smithers, get him out quickly. The stench is overpowering.

— Burns finds Homer's "dead" body, `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Smithers: That's Homer Simpson. He wasn't exactly a model employee. Burns: Well, who <is> a model [sees Smithers sans skull, just brain] employee.... Smithers: [panicking] Uh, Simpson will do just fine, sir.

— `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Smithers: You hear that, sir? Burns: No, I didn't. Who is it? Frankenstein? The Booooger Man?

— Me and my shadow, `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Smithers: It's the man in the bag, sir. I think he's alive. Burns: Oh. [walks over to it, and thwacks it with a shovel] Bad corpse. [thwack] Bad corpse. [thwack] Stop [thwack] scaring [thwack] Smithers! [thwack]

— `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Burns: [saws off the top of Homer's head. No blood, very clean. The top of Homer's head rolls away.] Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop. Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?! Burns: Dammit, Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!

— `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

It's alive! Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad. Well, who's mad now! [laughs diabolically]

— Mad Scientist Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Johnny Carson: [as Karnak] Geraldo Rivera, Madonna, and a diseased yak. Ed McMahon: Ho ho ho ho.

— Watching TV, `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Lisa: Mom, what's wrong? Marge: It's your father. He's missing. Bart: Dad's missing? Get outta here. Marge: He's been gone for two days. Lisa: Whaddya know. She's right.

— Familial concern, `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with. Now take out that brain and flush it down the toilet.

— Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Smithers: You know what this means? He <is> alive! Burns: Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke.

— `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophany of colligenous cog and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it]

— Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Every bone ... shattered, organs ... leaking vital fluids ... a slight headache ... loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.

— Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in "Treehouse of Horror II"

Homer: [wakes up and screams] Marge: Did you have a nightmare, Homey? Homer: No, Bart bit me. Bart: Hey, man, you were crushing me. I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.

— "Treehouse of Horror II"

Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well, my body was crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame. Homer: [trying to stay calm] I can wake up. It's all a dream. It's just a dream. Burns: Oh, that's right. It's all a dream... Or is it? [laughs diabolically] [Executive Producer credit appears] Announcer: Next week, on `The Simpsons'... [the breakfast table] Lisa: [puts down the newspaper] Don't forget, Dad, tonight my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner. Homer: Mmm... Spaghetti. Burns: [his head attached to Homer's shoulder] But Homer, tonight's our reception for Queen Beatrix of The Netherlands! Homer: Oh, I hate having two heads.

— "Treehouse of Horror II"

Bart: Looks like I've got me a genuine glow-in-the-dark police badge! [hunts through the box of cereal] Hey, it's not in here. You stole it! Lisa: No one wants your stupid police badge, Bart. Homer: [coming in] Hey, look what I got! A genuine official police badge! "Calling all cars! Come out with your hands up!" Heh heh heh. Bart: Hey, that's my badge, Homer. Homer: That's <Officer> Homer! Hee hee hee hee.

— "Bart the Murderer"

You ate my homework!? I didn't know dogs <really> did that...

— Bart to Santa's Little Helper, "Bart the Murderer"

Ms.K: Bart Simpson, you're late. Go fill out a tardy slip. Bart: But I'm only five... [looks at the clock] ten, twenty... Forty minutes! That's pretty damn late!

— "Bart the Murderer"

Lisa: I'm going to eat eight pieces of chocolate! Wendell?: I'm going to each chocolate 'til I barf!

— Field trip to the chocolate factory, "Bart the Murderer"

Principal Skinner: Here's a whole box of unsealed envelopes for the PTA! Bart: You're making me lick envelopes? P.S.: Oh, licking envelopes can be fun! All you have to do is make a game of it. Bart: What kind of game? P.S.: Well, for example, you could see how many you could lick in an hour, then try to break that record. Bart: Sounds like a pretty crappy game to me. P.S.: Yes, well... Get started.

— "Bart the Murderer"

I think this is something Bart would really have enjoyed. But it's the only way he'll learn...

— Lisa, "Bart the Murderer"

Welcome to the Chocolate Factory. I'm Troy McClure! You probably remember me from such films as `The Revenge of Abe Lincoln', and `The Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West'.

— "Bart the Murderer"

[haunting native American music plays, scene changes to an Aztec pyramid] The history of chocolate begins with the ancient Aztecs. [see a hand holding an `Ah Fudge' candy bar] In those days, instead of being wrapped in a hygienic package, chocolate was wrapped in a tobacco leaf. [candy bar changes to a coiled tobacco leaf] And instead of being pure chocolate, like we have today, it was mixed with shredded tobacco. [pull back to see a smiling Aztec fellow holding the cigar-shaped tobacco leaf] And they didn't eat it, they smoked it! [Aztec lights it, takes a puff, and smiles broadly]

— Educational film at the chocolate factory, "Bart the Murderer"

Tony: Pick a horse, kid. We're putting two dollars on the third race. Make it a good one. Bart: Eat my shorts! Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the <third> race! Bart: Don't have a cow! Tony: Mm.. [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him.

— "Bart the Murderer"

As they come out of the turn, it's Sufferin' Succotash by a neck over Yabba-Dabba-Doo, two lengths back Ain't I a Stinker and That's All Folks. I Yam What I Yam can see them all, but here comes Don't Have a Cow flying on the outside, and coming down to the wire, it's all Don't Have a Cow!

— The third race, "Bart the Murderer"

Homer: How much does it pay? Bart: Thirty bucks a week! Homer: Pfft! I make more than that.

— Bart gets a part-time job, "Bart the Murderer"

It's funny because it's true.

— Fat Tony, "Bart the Murderer"

Fat Tony: Chief Wiggum! You honor us with your presence. Chief Wiggum: Baloney! I'm not going to rest until one of us is behind bars. You! You wouldn't happen to know anything about a cigarette truck that got hijacked on Route 401? Fat Tony: What's a truck? Chief Wiggum: Don't play dumb with me!

— "Bart the Murderer"

Wiggum: Let me assure all you smokers out there that there is <no> shortage of cigarettes. Reporter: [shouts] How do we know that? Wiggum: Um, let me refer that question back to Jack Larson, Laramie Tobacco Products. Jack? Jack: Thank you, Chief. Folks, I'm pleased to announce that a new truckload of Laramie's, with their smoooooth good taste of fresh tobacco flavor is already heading towards Springfield. The driver <has> been instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks. [all cheer]

— Press conference, "Bart the Murderer"

Lisa: [somewhat shocked] Bart, is your boss a crook? Bart: I don't think so. Although it would explain an awful lot.

— "Bart the Murderer"

Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks? Tony: Bart, um, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family? Bart: No. Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them? Bart: Uh uh. Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes? Bart: I guess that's okay. Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart? Bart: Hell, no! Tony: Enjoy your gift.

— What if he puts jelly on it? "Bart the Murderer"

Give me three fingers of milk, Ma.

— Bart, "Bart the Murderer"

Marge: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals. Homer: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.

— Guilt by association? "Bart the Murderer"

Marge: That pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks. [looking at a pizza delivery truck conspicuously equipped with a satellite dish] [inside the truck, loaded with electronic snooping equipment] Marge's voice: How long does it take to deliver a pizza? Man 1: Looks like our cover's blown. Man 2: Let's roll. [the truck speeds off] [back in the bedroom] Homer: See? It was all your imagination. [another truck pulls into the spot that was vacated. The sign painted on the side? Flowers By Irene]

— "Bart the Murderer"

Homer: [playing poker] Heh heh! Read 'em and weep, boys. Another pair of sixes! Tony: [folding with four aces] Beats me. Man: I was... bluffing.

— "Bart the Murderer"

Tony: I am thrilled you decided to let your boy continue to work here. Homer: You know, if you need a hat-check girl, I've got a daughter. Tony: Homer, you're a helluva father.

— "Bart the Murderer"

Secretary: Some large men to see you, sir. Skinner: Um, I don't have any appointment with any large men. [Fat Tony and two heavies come in] Fat Tony: You Skinner? Skinner: <Principal> Skinner, yes. And how, may I ask, did you get past the hall monitors?

— "Bart the Murderer"

I can assure you that we're using the most advanced scientific techniques in the field of... [searching for the word] body-finding.

— Police Chief Wiggum's briefing, "Bart the Murderer"

Gypsy: [roaming her hands over a picture of Skinner] I see wedding bells for Vanna White and Teddy Kennedy. Wiggum: Please, Princess Opal, if we could just stick to Principal Skinner. Gypsy: Chief Wiggum, I am merely a conduit for the spirits. [gasp] Willie Nelson will astound his fans by swimming the English Channel. Wiggum: Really? Willie Nelson?

— Would she lie to you? "Bart the Murderer"

Lewis: [covered in leaves] Hey, look at me. I'm Skinner's body! Bart: That is not funny, Lewis. Milhouse: Well, I heard Skinner's buried under his parking spot. Student: Well, I heard he was ground up into hamburger and served to us at lunch. Nelson: I heard Bart had Skinner killed by gangsters. Bart: That's not true! It's just a rumor. You're engaged in speculation. I know the law, you can't prove anything.

— He was like that when I got there. "Bart the Murderer"

Bart: Reverend Lovejoy! You've come to comfort me? Rev.: Yes, Bart. [pats Bart] [emotionlessly] There there. [pats some more] There there.

— An enormous help, "Bart the Murderer"

Bart: Did you kill my principal? Tony: Uh, Chinese guy with a moustache?

— "Bart the Murderer"

Oh Bart, why couldn't you have gotten a paper route like other boys?

— Marge, when Bart is arrested for murder, "Bart the Murderer"

Bart: What's that guy doing here? Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you against charges of... [reads the deposition] Murder One! Wow! Even if I <lose>, I'll be famous!

— Inherit the Windbag, "Bart the Murderer"

Smithers: That Simpsons boy is looking at 180 years. Burns: Thank God we live in a country so hysterical over crime that a ten-year-old child can be tried as an adult.

— "Bart the Murderer"

Tony: I didn't order this Skinner guy killed... D.A.: But aren't you the head of this gang? Tony: No. I just stop by the club occasionally to read the complimentary newspaper. D.A.: Then who is the kingpin, the [jargon I can't make out] Tony: That's the guy! [fingers Bart] All: [gasp] Bart: Hey! Tony: Forgive me, Don Bartholomew.

— Is... "Bart the Murderer"

Hutz: Mr. Simpson, you've been the boy's father for ten years. Do you really think he could be the leader of a murderous criminal syndicate? Homer: Well, not the leader, I mean... [cries] Oh, it's true, it's true! All the pieces fit! [bawls]

— Is... "Bart the Murderer"

Now, in light of the damning testimony from your fellow gangsters, your father, your teachers, and the seemingly endless parade of emotionally shattered babysitters...

— The Judge's summing-up, "Bart the Murderer"

Wiggum: Find anything this time, boys? Cop: Uh, no sign of him, Chief. Wiggum: Princess Opal? Opal: I see nothing here, but I'm afraid it's splitsville for Delta Burke and Major Dad. Wiggum: But they seem so happy!

— "Bart the Murderer"

Judge: Case dismissed! Hutz: Your honor... Do I still get paid?

— Pro bono pocketo, "Bart the Murderer"

Tony: Hey Bart, I hope there are no hard feelings. Bart: Get bent. Tony: I deserved that.

— "Bart the Murderer"

Tony: Me and the boys, we still think you got a big future in racketeering and extortion. Bart: Sorry, Fat Tony. I used to think your gang was cool. But now I learned that crime doesn't pay. Tony: Yeah, you're right. [leaves in his expensive limo, complete with pretty woman]

— Do as I say... "Bart the Murderer"

Announcer: Blood on the Blackboard! The Bart Simpson story! Starring Richard Chamberlain as Principal Skinner, Joe Montegna as Fat Tony, Jane Seymour as the woman he loved, and TV's Doogie Howser, Neil Patrick Harris, as Bart Simpson! `Tony': Bart, I'm scared. Let's get out of here. `Bart': Shut up! Where do you want it, Skinner? `Skinner': [spits on him] `Bart': Not smart. [pumps him full of lead] Bart: Cool! Homer: Hey, when do we get the check for this? Marge: Well, they said they changed it just enough so they don't have to pay us. Homer: Oh, you know who the <real> crooks are? Those sleazy Hollywood producers!

— "Bart the Murderer"

Homer: Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate! Lisa: Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King. Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth, that everything is just fine.

— Reading US of A TODAY, "Homer Defined"

Bart: [inscribing a card] "To me bestest bud, Milhouse. Happy Birthday. Bart." Lisa: Bart, that's so sweet. May I see the card? [reads] "Hey there, ten-year-old! I couldn't afford to get you a new drum..." [opens the card, revealing a picture of a well-endowed woman] [reading with lost enthusiasm] "So how about a nice pair of bongos"? Ewww...

— Amen, sister, "Homer Defined"

They're official Krusty the Clown walkie-talkies! I'll keep one and you keep one. Now, whenever you want to talk to me, just call me on the phone and tell me to turn on my walkie-talkie.

— Bart, explaining his gift to Milhouse, "Homer Defined"

Martin: Milhouse, I'd like to express my appreciation for Saturday. Jelly bean basket, personalized noisemakers. But the little touches are what made it enduring! Bart: What's he talking about? Milhouse: Uh... Hey! Look at that dog! Isn't that something! Bart: [sees a rather plain dog] Wow, brown!

— How to change the subject, method 3. "Homer Defined"

Whoa, Springfield Elementary, last stop! Oh, and by the way, I'd like to say Thanks, and applose[?] applause to birthday boy Milhouse for his totally bitchin' party on Saturday! Oh, and Milhouse, I think I left my pants on your roof.

— Otto's announcement (emergencies only), "Homer Defined"

Bye, little dudes! Don't learn anything I wouldn't learn!

— Otto drops the kids off at school, "Homer Defined"

Burns: So, what did you do this weekend, Smithers? Smithers: Well, I caught up on my laundry, wrote a letter to my mother, oh, here a kicker, and I took Hercules out to be clipped. Burns: Who the devil is Hercules? Smithers: Oh, he's my Yorkshire terrier, sir. He's kind of tiny, so you know, it's a joke. Here's a picture of Herky. [shows a wallet photo] Burns: Ugh. Well, Smithers, don't you know how to paint the town red!

— Hercules and the Lion? "Homer Defined"

Burns: I took in a movie. An appalling little piece of filth. Its leading lady was a blonde harlot who spent half the film strolling around naked as a jaybird! Smithers: [gasp] Burns: No, just give the Great Unwashed a pair of oversized breasts and a happy ending, and they'll oink for more every time. [Homer talking with his coworkers] Homer: What a movie! And that blonde cutie! Does she have assets! [oinks]

— Wallowing in filth, "Homer Defined"

[poking at each jelly donut in turn] [poke] Igh, lemon. [poke] Ugh, cherry. [poke] Ooh, custard. [poke] Mmmmm.... purple...

— Homer, enjoying the finer things in life, "Homer Defined"

Apu: Otto, do you know there's a small child inside your bus? Otto: [sees Bart] Ooh, good thing you warned me. I was on my way to Mexico!

— Tijuana Schoolbus, "Homer Defined"

Voice: Warning... Problem in Sector 7-G. Burns: 7-G? Good God, who's the safety inspector there? Smithers: [calls up a video file photo of a hairful Homer] Homer Simpson, sir. Burns: Simpson, eh? Good man? Intelligent? Smithers: [reluctantly] Actually, sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap. Burns: [sarcastically] Thank you, President Ford.

— Quality is Job One, "Homer Defined"

Homer: [waking up to the sound of loud rhythmic buzzing] Huh? ... Noise! ... Bad noise! Voice: [calmly] Five minutes before critical mass... Homer: Critical what!? [trying to calm down] Okay, okay, don't panic, whosever problem this is, I'm sure they know how to handle it... [the jelly covering the dial pops off] Huh? Aaagh!! It's <my> problem!!! We're doomed!!!! Voice: [as steel doors seal off the safety control room] [calmly] Sector 7-G is now being isolated...

— It has been our pleasure to serve you, "Homer Defined"

You know, once, my old lady ran off and married my brother. Well, it hurt, but here it is a month later, and I'm sleeping on their couch!

— Otto-Man, "Homer Defined"

Announcer: We interrupt `Search for the Sun' for this special news bulletin. Meltdown Crisis: The First Couple of Minutes. Brockman: [surrounded by comb and hair dryer] Forget the hair, just give me the blush! [realizes the cameras are on him] Oh, we're on.

— Ready for anything, "Homer Defined"

Kent: On the line with us now is plant owner C. Montgomery Burns. Mr. Burns? Burns: Oh, hello, Kent. [as loud rhythmic buzzing continues in the background] Right now, skilled nuclear energy technicians are calmly correcting a minor, piffling malfunction. [rapid-fire shots of havoc in the plant] But I can assure you and the public that there is absolutely no danger whatsoever. [air raid siren wails] Things couldn't be more ship-shape. [cut to Burns' office, where he is busy donning a radiation suit] Smithers: Sir, where is <my> radiation suit? Burns: How the hell should I know? [covers the name `Smithers' on the suit he is wearing] Kent: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown. Burns: [laughs] Oh, meltdown. It's one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

— Obfuscatory sesquipedalianism, "Homer Defined"

Homer: [panicking, as warning sirens wail] Gotta think, gotta think... Okay, somewhere there's a thingie that tells you how to work this stuff. The uh, the uh, the manual! The manual! Right! [hunts under the console] [finds it] Agh! It's as fat as a phone book! [opens to first page] [reads] `Congratulations on your purchase of a Fissionator 1952 Slow-Fission Reactor'... D'oh! Get to the point, man! [finds an insert] Ooh, what's this? [unfolds it, it's a giant schematic] D'oh! Who'd have thought a nuclear reactor would be so complicated!

— Everything is under control, sort of, "Homer Defined"

Voice: [cheerfully] Ninety seconds to core meltdown. Smithers: Sir, there may be never be another time to say... I love you, sir. Burn: [disgusted] Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moment on earth socially awkward.

— The moment of truth, "Homer Defined"

Moe: Looks like this is the end... Barney: Oh, that's all right. I couldn'ta led a richer life.

— Core meltdown is imminent, "Homer Defined"

Kent: After the meltdown, we can expect roving bands of... Abe: Ah, I don't like this program. Jasper: Change the channel. [woman does so] TV: Wheel! Of! Fortune!!

— Dame Fortune smiles, "Homer Defined"

Marge: [praying] Dear Lord. If you spare this town from becoming a smoking hole in the ground, I'll try to be a better Christian. I don't know what I can do... Mm... Oh, the next time there's a canned food drive, I'll give the poor something they'd actually like, instead of old lima beans and pumpkin mix.

— Throw in a coupla Hail Mary's and we might have a deal, "Homer Defined"

Homer: Okay okay, think back to your training... [begin flashback] Trainer: Now, Homer, this may very well save your life one day. This... Homer? Homer: [playing with a Rubik's cube] Yeah? Trainer: Please pay attention. This button here controls the emergency override circuit. In the event of a meltdown, push this button and only this button. Homer: [completing a side of the cube] Ooh, a side! Trainer: Simpson! Homer: What? Trainer: You see which button I'm pushing? Homer: [not looking] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Push the button. Got it. [end flashback] This is all your fault! [throws Rubik's cube away]

— Well, at least he remembered the general idea, "Homer Defined"

Voice: [pleasantly] Thirty seconds to core meltdown. Burns: Oh, Smithers, I guess there's nothing left but to kiss my sorry ass good-bye. Smithers: May I, sir? Burns: Ugh.

— Just asking, "Homer Defined"

Prof. John Fink: [indicating on a map] These unfortunate people here will be instantly killed. [indicating] This circle, which I am sad to say we are in, will experience a slower, considerably more painful death. Kent: Good Lord!

— Analyzed to death? "Homer Defined"

Skinner: They called me old-fashioned for teaching the duck-and-cover method, but who's laughing now!

— "Homer Defined"

Voice: All systems returning to normal. Danger in 7-G neutralized. Have a nice day.

— It's been a pleasure serving you, "Homer Defined"

Man: [emerges from closet, fixing his tie] Woman: Will I ever see you again? Man: Sure, baby. Next meltdown.

— "Homer Defined"

TV: I'd like to solve the puzzle. `Three Loins in the Fountain'. [buzz]

— Wheel of Misfortune, "Homer Defined"

Burns: [voice only] Yes, we've isolated the problem. Wouldn't you know, false alarm. Marge: Phew! Burns: It seems a single wayward crow flew into our warning system. Kent: Very good. Well, sir, your point about nuclear hysteria is well-taken. This reporter promises to be more trusting and less vigilant in the future. Burns: [in his office, still wearing his radiation suit] Excellent. Well, ta!

— Hardly a post-apocalyptic war zone, "Homer Defined"

Milhouse: Bart, my mom won't let me be your friend any more. That's why you couldn't come to the party. Bart: What's she got against me? Milhouse: She says you're a bad influence. Bart: [slams his hand on the table] Bad influence, my ass! How many times have I told you? Never listen to your mother!

— What he said, "Homer Defined"

Karl: Hey, way to save our lives! Len: Yeah, we owe you one! Homer: Yeah, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

— "Homer Defined"

Burns: Oh, and what's this? A congratulatory phone call from Earvin `Magic' Johnson? Homer: [gasps] Magic Johnson!? [picks up the phone] Yello? Magic: [calling from the arena] Is this really Homer Simpson? Homer: Yeah. Magic: Wow. Homer, I just used our last time-out to call and congratulate you on averting that nuclear holocaust.

— On his way to Disneyland, "Homer Defined"

Lisa: [laughing at an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon] Bart, you're not laughing. Too subtle?

— "Homer Defined"

Marge: [reading the plaque] For heroic competence, for narrowly averting a meltdown, and proving without question that nuclear power is completely safe. Employee of the Month!

— "Homer Defined"

A role model in my very own home. How convenient!

— Lisa, "Homer Defined"

Homer: Look, I get enough admiration and respect at work! I don't need it here at home!

— No argument from Bart, "Homer Defined"

Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey? Homer: Tastes so bitter, it's like ashes in my mouth... Marge: Hm. It's actually more of a honey glaze. Lisa: Maybe you ate a clove.

— Marge and Lisa uncharacteristically miss a metaphor, "Homer Defined"

Homer: [angrily] What's <your> problem, boy? Bart: I had a fight with Milhouse. Homer: That four-eyes with a big nose? You don't need friends like that. Lisa: How Zen...

— Dinner conversation, "Homer Defined"

Homer: What is it? What are you doing? Lisa: Looking at you with quiet awe. Homer: Well, as long as it's quiet.

— "Homer Defined"

Burns: Ah, Simpson, here's someone I want you to meet. Aristotle Amodopoulos, owner of the Shelbyville Nuclear Power Facility. It seems Ari's been having terrible worker problems at Shelbyville. Ari: They've lost their zest for work. You must help them find their ine-haratu-nadzu-leri [or whatever]. Homer: Their ine-aratu-zoola-what? Ari: Yes!

— Just checking, "Homer Defined"

We want you to give them a pep talk that turns them from a bunch of donut-eating goof-offs into a pack of Homer Simpsons!

— Burns seems to have missed the point, "Homer Defined'

Maggie: [playing Monopoly with Bart] [removes her pacifier, coughs up a hotel] Marge: Bart, don't feed your sister hotels. Bart: [holding up the box] Don't worry, Mom. There's tons of these things.

— "Homer Defined"

Marge: Why don't you go play with Milhouse? Bart: I don't want to play with Milhouse. Marge: You mean you still haven't made up with him? Bart: It's his mom. She says I'm a bad influence. [takes Maggie's hand] Come on, Maggie, let's go throw rocks at that hornet's nest. Marge: Mmm...

— "Homer Defined"

Marge: Mrs. Van Houten? I'm Bart's mother. We met in the emergency room when the boys drank paint? Mrs.V: I remember.

— "Homer Defined"

Marge: I know Bart can be a handful, but I also know what he's like inside. He's got a spark. It's not a bad thing. ... Of course, it makes him <do> bad things... Mrs.V: Well, Marge, the other day, Milhouse told me my meatloaf `sucks'. He must've gotten that from your little boy, because they certainly <don't> say that on TV.

— Of course, "Homer Defined"

Barney: So next time somebody tells you carney folk are good, honest people, you can spit in their faces for me! Lisa: I will, Mr. Gumbel, but if you'll excuse me, I'm profiling my dad for the school paper. I thought it would be neat to follow him around for a day to see what makes him tick. Barney: Aw, that's sweet. I used to follow my dad to a lot of bars, too. [belch]

— "Homer Defined"

Moe: Here you go, one beer [sets it in front of Lisa]. One chocolate milk. [sets it in front of Homer] Lisa: Uh, excuse me, <I> had the chocolate milk. Moe: Oh.

— They're so hard to tell apart, "Homer Defined"

What's the matter, Homer? The depressing effects of alcohol usually don't kick in 'til closing time.

— Moe, "Homer Defined"

Lisa: He's just a little nervous. He has to give a speech tomorrow on how to keep cool in a crisis. Homer: [shaking Lisa in a panic] What am I going to do!? What am I going to do!?

— You could see that gag coming, couldn't you? "Homer Defined"

Barney: I had to give a speech once. I was pretty nervous, so I used a little trick. I picture everyone in their underwear. The judge, the jury, my lawyer, everybody. Homer: Did it work? Barney: I'm a free man, ain't I?

— A mixed blessing, "Homer Defined"