Movie Trivia

Milhouse: [on the walkie talkie] Milhouse to Bart. Do you want to come over and play? Bart: Really? We can be friends again? Did your mom die? Milhouse: Um, I don't think so. Bart: Well, who cares.

— Would you like to check? "Homer Defined"

As I look out into this sea of smiling faces, I am filled with a sense of [suddenly turns nasty] loathing and revulsion! You are not workers! You are a pack of mangy, cud-chewing, ugly goats!

— Aristotle Amodopoulos gives his employees a pep talk, "Homer Defined"

Homer: [nervously reading a speech] Grace under pressure is no... Voice: [sirens wail] Three minutes to meltdown. [the auditorium empties in a panic] Homer: Phew! Saved by the bell.

— Ask not for whom the bell tolls, "Homer Defined"

Crisis has been averted. Everything is super.

— Computer announcement, "Homer Defined"

Eenie meenie miney moe. Is Homer a hero? The answer is, `No'. I'm Kent Brockman, and that was `My Two Cents'.

— A brief editorial, "Homer Defined"

Bart: Okay, Milhouse, how many Krusty autographs should I put you down for? Milhouse: A hundred! Bart: Consider it done.

— "Like Father, Like Clown"

Dear Krusty: This is Bart Simpson, Krusty Buddy #16302, respectfully returning his badge. I always suspected that nothing in life mattered. Now I know for sure. Get bent! -- Bart Simpson

— "Like Father, Like Clown"

Krusty: [dials 1-900-SEX-CHAT] Voice: You've reached the Party Line! In a moment, you'll be connected to a hot party, with some of the world's most beautiful women! Now, let's join the party! [five-way split screen, showing five men] Krusty: Hello? Man 1: Hello? Man 2: Hello? Apu: Are there any women here? Krusty: Hello!? Apu: Are you a beautiful woman? Krusty: [angrily] Do I sound like a beautiful woman? Apu: This is not as hot a party as I anticipated.

— "Like Father, Like Clown"

Marge: [gently reminding] Bart, wipe your feet. Bart: Why bother? They'll just get dirty again.

— A different point of view, "Like Father, Like Clown"

[a rap at the door in the `Shave and a Haircut' rhythm, with horn honks and Krusty's laugh in place of `Two Bits'.] Homer: You think it's him?

— Waiting for Krusty, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Krusty: [entertaining the family by riding a unicycle while balancing a plant on his nose] Bart: Krusty, you don't have to be `on' tonight. Homer: What are you talking about! Of course he does! Lisa: No Dad, Krusty is our guest. Your pratfalls and Punchinello antics aren't necessary here. Krusty: Really? Bart: Yeah, just relax and be yourself. Krusty: Oh, that's a relief. [gets down from unicycle, removes plant from nose (revealing that it was attached via suction cup), and releasing a chimp on roller skates] Go wait in the car. [the chimp skates away] Homer: Aw, we could have seen the monkey!

— To complement the baboon, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Marge: Who wants to say Grace? Lisa: Why don't we let our guest do it? Milhouse: Bless us O Lord... Bart: [whaps Milhouse] Milhouse: Hey! [rubs his ample nose]

— My Dinner with Krusty, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Krusty: [saying a pre-meal blessing] Baruch atah adonai, eloheinu, melech ha'olam, hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz. Homer: Hee hee hee hee hee! He's talking funny-talk! Lisa: No Dad, that's Hebrew! Krusty must be Jewish. Homer: A Jewish entertainer? Get out of here! Lisa: Dad, there are many prominent Jewish entertainers, including Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner, and Mel Brooks. Homer: Mel Brooks is Jewish!?!

— Who would've known? "Like Father, Like Clown"

Bart: Krusty, are you all right? Krusty: Yes, it's just that saying the bracha brings back a lot of painful memories, the old days, my... my father... [bawls] Homer: Hey, Krusty, you going to finish that meatloaf or what?

— "Like Father, Like Clown"

Poor Krusty. He's like a black velvet painting come to life.

— Lisa, "Like Father, Like Clown"

My name isn't Krusty the Klown. It's Herschel Krustofsky. My father was a rabbi. <His> father was a rabbi. His father's fath--- Well, you get the idea.

— Big shoes to fill with small feet (like all good-hearted people), "Like Father, Like Clown"

Man 1: Should I finish college? Rabbi K: Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge. Woman: [babe in arms] Rabbi, should I have another child? Rabbi K: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house. Man 2: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler? Rabbi K: Eh, couldn't you rephrase that as a, as an ethical question? Man 2: Um... Is it right to buy a Chrysler? Rabbi K: Oh, yes! [chuckles] For great is the car with power steering and dynaflow suspension!

— It is written... "Like Father, Like Clown"

Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you. Homer: Why you little! [strangles Bart]

— "Like Father, Like Clown"

Rabbi K: You know that my son Herschel was first in his yeshiva class? As a matter of fact, he was voted `The most likely to hear God'. Rabbi 2: Oh, go on, Hyman, you're exaggerating again, you're so proud of your son. Rabbi K: A rabbi would never exaggerate! A rabbi composes. He creates thoughts. He tells stories that may never have happened. But he does not exaggerate!

— "Like Father, Like Clown"

Oy vey's mir! You have brought shame on our family! Oh, if you were a musician or a jazz singer, this I could forgive.

— Rabbi Krustofsky to his son the clown, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Bart: Krusty, do you think about your father a lot? Krusty: All the time. Except when I'm at the track. Then it's all business.

— Keeping those emotions in check, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Krusty: So, uh, Milhouse, know any knock-knock jokes? Milhouse: [crying] I want to go home!

— The clown who came to dinner, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Announcer: Academy Award Playhouse now returns you to... Hercules vs. the Martians! Martian: Welcome to our spaceship, mighty Hercules. Hahahaha.

— "Like Father, Like Clown"

Rabbi K: [answering the phone] Hello. Hello? Anybody there? What's this, I hear the phone ring, and suddenly there's nothing. I'm listening and there's no talking. Hello, mister, who are you? Why would they call if they don't want to talk to you? [hangs up]

— "Like Father, Like Clown"

Didn't Itchy Junior look happy playing with his father? And didn't Scratchy Junior look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by a thresher?

— Krusty asks the kids, "Like Father, Like Clown"

A man who envies our family is a man who needs help.

— Lisa Simpson on Krusty the Klown, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Bart: Reverend Lovejoy, we need you to help us find a rabbi. Rev.L: [flustered] Well, um, before you make any rash decisions, let me just remind you that the church is changing to meet the needs of today's young Christians!

— Church Chat, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Lisa: We just want to find a Rabbi Krustofsky. Rev.L: Rabbi Krustofsky? Well, I do a radio call-in show with him every Sunday night! Bart: Really? Lisa: I didn't know that. Rev.L: Gee, uh, I mention it in my sermon every week. Bart: [false realization] Oh, oh, <that> radio show! Lisa: [playing along] Oh yeah! It's all the kids talk about on Monday at school.

— Church Chat, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Bart: Can you give us the rabbi's address? Rev.L: Oh, sure thing. Let me just check my non-Christian rolodex...

— "Like Father, Like Clown"

Lisa: Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofsky? Rabbi K: Oh, what can I do for you, my young friend? Bart: We came to talk to you about your son. Rabbi K: I have no son! [slams the door] Bart: Oh great, we came all this way and it's the wrong guy. Rabbi K: [opens the door] I didn't mean that literally! [slams the door]

— "Like Father, Like Clown"

And, in order to keep our broadcasting licence, we devote Sunday night dead time to public service shows of limited appeal.

— It's funny 'cause it's true, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Gabbin' about God, sponsored by Ace Religious Supply, where they say, "If we don't got it, it ain't holy."

— Or kosher, as appropriate, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Announcer: And our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights. Caller: Yes, hi. With all the suffering and injustice in the world, do you ever wonder if God really exists? Rev. L: No. Msgr. D: [Irish accent] Not for a second. Rabbi K: Not at all. Announcer: Great, good conversation there. Our next call...

— Gabbing about God, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Rabbi K: Hello? Anybody there? I hear breathing but I don't hear talking. What's going on here? Hello, mister? Hello, hello? Krusty: [sighs, hangs up] Rabbi K: Some people got nothing to do but call people and hang up. There's all kinds of mishegoyim in the world.

— Gabbing about God, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Bart: Hello, my name's Dmitri. I'm a first-time caller, long-time listener. My question is, if a son defies his father and chooses a career that makes millions of children happy, shouldn't the father forgive the son? Rev. L: I think so. Msgr. D: Yes, of course. Rabbi K: No way! Absolutely not! Never, never! Who screens these calls? Who's in charge here? There's nobody in charge? They leave a building without people watching it, and anybody who wants can...

— Gabbing about God, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Bart: Oy! This guy's tough. Lisa: Bart, we're going to have to outsmart him. Bart: I dunno, he's pretty sharp. He saw right through this disguise.

— "Like Father, Like Clown"

Rabbi K: [answers phone] What? Saul Bellow? The Nobel-prize-winning Jewish novelist? He wants to have lunch with me? Ha ha! It's a date! Izzy's Deli, one o'clock, I'll be there! Krusty: [on the phone] The French government wants to give <me> the Legion of Honor? Where do I receive this prestigious award? [writes] Izzy's Deli. One o'clock. [puts pencil down] Thank you, Monsieur President! Bart: [holding his nose] Au revoir!

— Heeding the call, or, Many are called... "Like Father, Like Clown"

Waitress: And for you, sir? Rabbi K: Ah, let's see. I want a nice sandwich. But the Joey Bishop, eh, too fatty. the Jackie Mason? I dunno, sauerkraut makes me gas. Bruce Willis? I don't even like his work! What is this? Krusty the Klown? Waitress: That's ham, sausage, and bacon, with a smidge of mayo. Rabbi K: What!? Waitress: On white bread.

— Izzy's Deli, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Krusty: [humming the Marseillaise] Um, could you direct me to President Francois Mitterand's table? Waitress: You think you're funny? Krusty: Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong!

— You wanna bet? "Like Father, Like Clown"

Lisa: Bart, we've been going about this all wrong. What's the one thing rabbis prize above everything else? Bart: Those stupid hats?

— "Like Father, Like Clown"

We're going to hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica.

— Lisa Simpson on Rabbi Krustofsky, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Agugugug. Glug glug glug. `Oh, Noah, Noah! Save us! Save us!' `No!'

— Bart plays with a biblical pop-up book, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Bart: At all times, let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid as a cedar. Others: Ah, mm. [general murmers of appreciation] Rabbi K: But, my short learned friend, the book of Joshua says, "You shall medidate on the torah all day and all night." Others: Ah, mm. [general murmers of appreciation] Man: All night?

— Dueling scriptures, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Lisa: [tired] Here you go, Bart. It's a longshot, but that's all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew. Bart: [stares at her] Lisa: Bart! I am <not> going to learn ancient Hebrew!!

— But you already know pig Latin, how much different can it be? "Like Father, Like Clown"

Moe: [moved to tears] I got something in my eye... Barney: Here, take my hankie. Moe: [sees Barney's filthy handkerchief] Agh!

— It's the thought that counts, "Like Father, Like Clown"

Lisa: [on the phone] Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one. Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at? Lisa: I called her; she's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement. Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.

— My one and only, "Lisa's Pony"

Well, you're in for a whale of a show tonight. Uh, I'd like to point out that the doors are now locked, so you parents can't sneak out of the show after your own child as performed. Oh, and let me caution the people in the first five rows: You <will> get wet.

— Principal Skinner opens the school talent contest, "Lisa's Pony"

Homer: [sees sign: Open 10 - 7, checks his watch. It's 6:55] Whew! Just in the nick of [spots Moe's Tavern next door] Mmmmmm. Beeeeer.

— Your attention, please, "Lisa's Pony"

Homer: Hurry, Moe, hurry, I've only got five minutes 'til the music store closes. Moe: Well, why don't you go there first? Homer: Hey! Do I tell you how to do <your> job? Moe: Sorry, Homer. [draws a mug of beer] Homer: You know, if you tip the glass, there won't be so much foam on top. Moe: Sorry, Homer.

— "Lisa's Pony"

Jerry: What's the matter, buddy? Homer: The moron next door closed early! Jerry: I happen to be that moron. Homer: Oh... Me and my trenchant mouth!

— For whom the bold tells, "Lisa's Pony"

Pr. Skinner: [watchs Milhouse's pathetic act] Oh terrible, just terrible. You know, they seem to get worse every year. [comes out on stage] Wonderful! You know, I think this is the best pageant we've ever had. I really do!

— "Lisa's Pony"

Homer: Okay, okay, but I want you to see a picture of the little girl you're disappointing. [looks through his wallet] Well, I don't have one.

— Use your imagination, "Lisa's Pony"

Moe: Come on, Jer, open up, be a pal. Remember when I pulled you and your wife out of that burning car? Jerry: Well, okay, okay. But now we're even.

— Begging Jerry to open his music shop, "Lisa's Pony"

Jerry: What instrument does she play? Homer: ... [whining] I don't know...

— Buying a replacement reed for Lisa, "Lisa's Pony"

Lisa: Mom, where is he? If I don't get that reed, I'll sound terrible! Marge: Don't worry, honey, I'm sure your father is... [imagines Homer fixing a flat tire] Maybe. [imagines Homer chased up a tree by a bear] No. [imagines Homer abducted by aliens] That's a long shot. [imagines Homer at Moe's Tavern] Bingo.

— Whatever remains, however improbable... "Lisa's Pony"

Jerry: Clarinet? Homer: No. Jerry: Oboe? Homer: No. Jerry: Saxophone? Homer: No. Wait a minute, what was that last one again? Jerry: Saxophone! Homer: [recalls] Lisa, stop playing that stupid... saxophone! Yes, that's it! Jerry: Alto or tenor? Homer: D'oh!

— Buying a replacement reed for Lisa, "Lisa's Pony"

[singing] My ding-a-ling. My ding-a-ling. I want you to play with my ding-a-ling...

— Student's entry in the school talent contest, "Lisa's Pony"

Let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of Stormy Leather, uh, Weather.

— Principal Skinner's reduction, er, introduction, "Lisa's Pony"

Homer: Look, I let you down, and I apologize. I know that doesn't make it right, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me Lisa: [not convincingly] I forgive you. Homer: D'oh! You didn't mean that! Lisa: No, I didn't.

— Some things are not lost on Homer, "Lisa's Pony"

Lisa: [as a baby, taking her first steps] Marge: [o.s.] Look, Homer! Lisa's taking her first steps! Homer: [engrossed in watching TV] You taping it? Marge: Yes. Homer: I'll watch it later.

— Let's go to the videotape, "Lisa's Pony"

Tattoo: De plane! De plane! Mr. R: No, my freakish little friend. That's a seagull.

— Watching TV, "Lisa's Pony"

Lisa: [as a baby, in her high chair] Dada? Dada? Marge: [o.s.] Did you hear that, Homer? [pan over to Homer strangling Bart] Homer: Marge, please, I'm busy!

— Lisa's first words, "Lisa's Pony"

Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh start with Maggie.

— Homer, "Lisa's Pony"

Marge: Homey, you've got to stop looking for the quick fix. If you keep spending time with Lisa, she'll forgive you. Homer: Marge, if I spend any more time doing these girl things, I'm going to, you know, go fruity. No, you were right the first time with that quick fix idea.

— "Lisa's Pony"

Homer: I'll buy her that pony she's always bugging me for. Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony. Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford <not> to buy a pony.

— "Lisa's Pony"

Marge: You sound like you're going to buy a pony. Promise me you won't. Homer: Mm. Marge: What was that? Was that a yes or a no? Homer: Buh! Marge: Those aren't even words! Homer: Snuh! Marge: Mmmmm. [turns off the light] Homer: [huge grin]

— "Lisa's Pony"

Oh my! What is that smell! [sees Homer] Oh, it's you.

— Pet shop owner, "Lisa's Pony"

Homer: Excuse me, do you sell ponies? Owner: Uh, sure, pal. Right here. [points at a cage] Homer: [reads the sign] Scottish deer hound. [$259] Hey! This is a dog! Owner: Oh, my friend, you're smarter than I gave you credit for!

— "Lisa's Pony"

Homer: Now lady, I'm buying a pony for my little girl, and I don't care what it costs. Lady: Very good. That stunning creature over there is half a million dollars. Homer: Half a million dollars!? Lady: He was sired by Seattle Slew, and his mother won the Kentucky Derby. Homer: Wow. Lady: His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania.

— Shopping around for "Lisa's Pony"

Isn't there a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home?

— Homer shops for "Lisa's Pony"

Burns: [appears behind the employee credit union desk] Hello. Homer: Ack! Burns: [reads the loan application] Simpson, eh?

— Paying for "Lisa's Pony"

Burns: Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws? Homer: [slowly] Usury? Burns: Oh, silly me! I must've just made up a word that doesn't exist.

— Approving Homer's loan to pay for "Lisa's Pony"

Smithers: You have any collateral? Burns: Oh, Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral.

— Approving Homer's loan to pay for "Lisa's Pony"

Burns: Just sign this form, and the money will be yours. Muhahahahaha.... Ahem. Sorry, I was just um, eh, um, thinking of something funny Smithers did today. Smithers: I didn't do anything funny today. Burns: [hand over mouth] Shut! up!

— Approving Homer's loan to pay for "Lisa's Pony"

Lady: Mr. Simpson, are you quite sure you know how to take care of a pony? Homer: [shoving the pony into the back seat] Of course!

— Buying "Lisa's Pony"

Marge: Mmm... I am <very> upset with you. Homer: Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own!

— Homer just purchased "Lisa's Pony"

Bart: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony? Homer: Because she stopped loving me. Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped. Homer: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee.

— The squeaky wheel gets the squat, "Lisa's Pony"

Marge: Homer, just where were you planning to keep this horse? Homer: I got it all figured out. By day, it'll roam free around the neighborhood, and at night, it'll nestle snugly between the cars in our garage. Lisa: Dad, no! Marge: That's illegal! Homer: That's for the courts to decide!

— "Lisa's Pony"

This is what love costs a month?

— Homer sees the $530/month bill for stable fees to house "Lisa's Pony"

Lady: I'm teaching your daughter riding, grooming, and at no extra charge, pronunciation. Lisa: [atop Princess, in riding gear] Fahther, you've made me the happiest gahl who ever lived!

— "Lisa's Pony"

Grampa: [fumbling with the joystick] What do I do? Bart: Grampa, do you want to go to the right? Grampa: Yes? Bart: Move the joystick to the left. Grampa: Yes, move the... What's a joystick! You didn't tell me... Bart: Ooh, ahh, ooh, ooh, here comes a Xylon Cruiser! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Grampa: A Xylon Cruiser!? Bart: Go into hyperspace! Ready? Hit it! Grampa: Wha? WHERE'S THE HYPERSPACE! Bart: Grampa, you're the spaceship, not the... Grampa: I'm the what!? I thought I was <this> guy. [the ship explodes] Ohhhhh! Bart: Game's over, Grampa. Grampa: I got down on the floor for this!?

— Playing video games, "Lisa's Pony"

Lisa: Wait Dad, I've got something for you. [kisses him] Homer: Oh, I was hoping it'd be money.

— How to pay for "Lisa's Pony"

Marge: We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries. Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have!

— "Lisa's Pony"

First you didn't want me to get the pony. Now you want me to take it back! Make up your mind!

— Homer argues with Marge over "Lisa's Pony"

Homer: There's plenty of money out there for a guy who's willing to work for it! Do you have any jewelry you don't need any more? Marge: Mmmmmmm.....

— Paying for "Lisa's Pony"

Homer: Oh, I need money. Apu: Well, if you need money, you should have at least jammed a gun in my ribs, or better yet, you could inquire about my help-wanted sign. Homer: You're looking for help? Apu: Yes, we need someone for the demanding yet high-profile midnight to 8am shift. Homer: I'm your man! Apu: You're hired. Oh, how I dreamed the day would come when one of <you> would be working for <me>.

— Must've been the jam, "Lisa's Pony"

Chuck: She certainly tamed that horse. Student 2: Yes, but what man can tame her?

— Watching Lisa and "Lisa's Pony"

Apu: I won't lie to you. On this job, you <will> be shot at. [reveals his chest] Each of these bullet wounds is a badge of honor. Homer: [taking notes] Badge of honor. Apu: Here's a pointer. Try to take it in the shoulder.

— Working at the Kwik-E-Mart, "Lisa's Pony"

Apu: Now, these hot dogs have been here for three years. They are strictly ornamental. There is only one bozo who comes in and buys them. Homer: But I eat... Oh.

— Working at the Kwik-E-Mart, "Lisa's Pony"

Homer: Marge, could we go in the other room? I did something last night I'm not proud of, and I don't want the kids to hear it. Bart: Busted! Homer: [in the other room, explaining] I'll work from midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love, then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy. Bart: [at the breakfast table, hears a thud] Oh my God, she killed him! [rushes into the living room; Homer has passed out, asleep]

— Death of a Kwik-E-Mart Salesman, "Lisa's Pony"

Homer, you are asleep at your post! Now go change the expiration dates on the dairy products!

— Apu, "Lisa's Pony"

Marge: Homer, how long do you plan to do this? Homer: I don't know. How long do horses live? Marge: Thirty years. Homer: D'oh!

— "Lisa's Pony"

Johnny Carson: I just heard Milli Vanilli was arrested for impersonating a McNugget. Ed McMahon: Ho ho ho ho! Bart: Well, it's still fun to be up late.

— Watching TV, "Lisa's Pony"

All the years I've lobbied to be treated like an adult have blown up in my face.

— Lisa has to decide the fate of "Lisa's Pony"

Oh, the young man you replaced is rolling over in his grave.

— Apu, "Lisa's Pony"

Lisa: I gave up the pony. Homer: You did? Lisa: Mm hm. There's a big, dumb animal I love even more than that horse. Homer: Oh no! What is it, a hippopotamus?

— "Lisa's Pony"

Apu, you can take this job and restaff it!

— Homer quits his job at the Kwik-E-Mart, "Lisa's Pony"

He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever had.

— Apu on Homer, "Lisa's Pony"

I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as "Buck Henderson, Union Buster" and "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory".

— I Can't Believe They Invented It! "Saturdays of Thunder"

Troy: I'm here to tell you about `Spiffy!', the twenty-first-century stain remover. Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera. Nick: Thank you, Troy! Hi, everybody! All: Hi, Dr. Nick!

— I Can't Believe They Invented It! "Saturdays of Thunder"

Nick: Troy, I brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul Edgar Allen Poe! [exhibits a grimy tombstone] Troy: One of our best writers. Nick: Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turn this tombstone into a depressing eyesore. Troy: So what? I guess we're going to have to throw it away. Nick: Not so fast, Troy! With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the body's still warm! [applies some Spiffy, removes all the grime] All: Ooooooh! Ahhhhhhhh! [The name `POE' twinkles (add visual and sound effects).] Troy: Quoth the raven, "What a shine!" Homer: [watching the show] Ooooh! That's one clean tombstone!

— For all your tombstone-cleaning needs, I Can't Believe They Invented It! "Saturdays of Thunder"

Nick: I'm offering three bottles, enough to clean one thousand tombstones, for only $39.95! All: Booo! [a chair is heaved on stage] Troy: I'm afraid you're going to have to do better, doctor. Homer: [watching the show] Yeah, give us a break, doctor!

— I Can't Believe They Invented It! "Saturdays of Thunder"

Bart: Hey Homer, I can't find the safety goggles for the power saw. Homer: If stuff starts flying, just turn your head! Bart: Oh. Check.

— "Saturdays of Thunder"

Okay, I'll throw in a <fourth> bottle, the applicator glove, and a state of Kansas jell-o mold. $29.95! [crowd goes wild]

— Dr. Nick Riviera hawks `Spiffy' on I Can't Believe They Invented It! "Saturdays of Thunder"

Homer: Patty! Selma! What a pleasant surprise! Patty: [grunt] Whaddya know, he's wearing pants. Selma: I owe you a lunch.

— "Saturdays of Thunder"

Expiration date? June nineteen eighty ni--uh.... 2012, yeah...

— Homer orders junk off the TV again, "Saturdays of Thunder"

Marge: Maybe you should do something with the kids while I'm gone. Homer: [sugary-sweet] Oh, sure, great idea. I've love to. [sees Lisa] D'oh!! Did you hear that? Lisa: Yes. Homer: How much? Lisa: Everything. Homer: What's the quickest, cheapest, easiest way to do something with you? Lisa: Uh.... Take us to the video store? Homer: Anything for my little girl.

— "Saturdays of Thunder"

[Bart wields an acetylene torch, his safety goggles neatly perched atop his head (not over his eyes).] Homer: Bart! You can't weld with such a little flame. (Stupid kid.)

— Safety last, "Saturdays of Thunder"

Skowie: [pumped full of lead by a passing motorcyclist, lying in a pool of his own blood] Damn, damn damn. McBain? McBain: Yes? Skowie: I'm not going to make it. McBain: Oh, stop talking crazy!

— "Saturdays of Thunder"

Homer: [watches a scene from McBain on the video store monitors] Clerk: You want to rent it, sir? Homer: Why? I just saw the best part! Heh heh heh heh.

— At the VHS Village, "Saturdays of Thunder"

The compound fracture, truly one of football's greatest injuries.

— Watching `Football's Greatest Injuries', "Saturdays of Thunder"

Marge: Homer, could you turn off the TV? There's a little test I want you to take. TV: [crunch] Augh! Homer; Oh, great, you made me miss Joe Theismann!

— Watching `Football's Greatest Injuries', "Saturdays of Thunder"

Bart: [hammering away] Homer: Bart, you don't have any hobbies, do you, boy? Bart: No, not really. Homer: Well, that what I... Wait a minute, what are you doing? Bart: Building a soap box derby racer. Homer: Ohhhhhhh! That's a hobby! Bart: Hey, so it is!

— "Saturdays of Thunder"

Homer: I don't know jack about my boy. I'm a bad father! [bawls] Selma: You're also fat. Homer: I'm also fat! [bawls more]

— "Saturdays of Thunder"

Mr. Simpson, we'll send a wood-paneled station wagon over for you immediately.

— Dave from the National Fatherhood Institute, "Saturdays of Thunder"

Dave: Mr. Simpson, if you want to be a good father, you have to spend time with your son. Homer: Well, that's easy for you to say, you .. preachy .. egg-headed .. institute guy! How much do you see <your> son? Dave: Why don't you ask him yourself? Homer, meet Dave, Jr. Homer: [stunned] Huh? Dave: How's your research, coming, son? Dave, Jr: I think we're near a breakthrough. Dave: Good work. Dave, Jr: [leaving] Thanks, Dad. Homer: Oh, how I envy you. Dave: Homer, that easy back-and-forth you just witnessed didn't happen overnight. It took years of effort.

— The National Fatherhood Institute, "Saturdays of Thunder"

Homer: Bart, I'm gonna help you build that racer. Bart: Thanks, but I'm almost done. Why don't you go back on the couch and watch TV. Homer: Okay. [catches himself] Urgh. No!

— "Saturdays of Thunder"

Homer: [reading] Cosby's First Law of Inter-generational Perversity: No matter what you tell your child to do, he will always do the opposite. Huh? [inner voice] Don't you get it!? You gotta use reverse psychology! [out loud] Well, that sounds too complicated. [inner voice] Okay, <don't> use reverse psychology. [out loud] All right, I will!

— His own worst enemy, "Saturdays of Thunder"

Thank you, Bill Cosby. You've saved The Simpsons!

— Homer thanks the author of `Fatherhood', "Saturdays of Thunder"

Judge: Hey, you're not supposed to smoke in the pit area. Nelson: Fine! [extinguishes his cigarette on his tongue]

— At the soap box derby race, "Saturdays of Thunder"

Nelson: Hey, [Bart] Simpson, where's your loser-mobile? Homer: Loser-mobile, heh heh heh... wait a minute!

— At the soap box derby race, "Saturdays of Thunder"

It hurts! It hurts! Owie owie owie ow!

— Martin is wheeled into the hospital, "Saturdays of Thunder"

Hey man, cool crash! Way to cheat death.

— Bart visits Martin in the hospital, "Saturdays of Thunder"

Oh, I don't know if I should do that. My dad and I build our car together, and if I drove somebody else's it'd kill him! On the other hand... I'll do it!

— Bart's dilemma, "Saturdays of Thunder"

Okay Bart, we've got a lot of work to do on the car, so I'm going to pull you out of school for the next couple of weeks...

— Homer sets to work on the soap box racer, "Saturdays of Thunder"

Bart: Dad, I love you, but, you taught me to win. Homer: When did I ever teach you that? Bart: Well, I picked it up somewhere.

— "Saturdays of Thunder"

Lisa: Dad, can you take me to Dr. Hibbert's office? Homer: Why? What's wrong? Lisa: Oh, nothing. I just scheduled a tetanus booster. Maybe I'm being a little anal, but barefoot season is coming up and there's a world of rusty nails out there! Homer: Oh, sure, I'll take you, wait with you, worry about you, and then you'll ride home with someone who has a faster car. This is how you get your kicks, isn't it, Lisa! Lisa: Mm...

— "Saturdays of Thunder"

Bart: Dad, aren't you coming? Homer: No! Marge: Now, don't pout. Homer: I'm not pouting. <You> are!

— "Saturdays of Thunder"

Barney: My friend [Moe] and I have a bet. Are you Mary Tyler Moore? Patty: [maces him] Barney: Waugh! [belch] Ooh, wow! It really <is> you!

— "Saturdays of Thunder"

Martin: Bart, if she breaks up on you, steer away from the grandstands or else you might kill hundreds of innocent spectators. [notices Bart isn't paying attention] Bart, what did I just tell you? Bart: Kill spectators.

— "Saturdays of Thunder"

Martin: What is the matter with you! Bart: It's my dad. Lying there on the couch, drinking a beer, staring at the TV... I've never seen him like that.

— A change of environment, "Saturdays of Thunder"

To everyone participating today, I salute your vigor. [aside] Check out the rack on the blonde in the fourth row!

— `Diamond' Joe Quimby takes a cue from the Kennedys, "Saturdays of Thunder"

The world has not seen the likes of this since the French carried Lucky Lindy off on their shoulders from Le Bourget Field.

— Soap box derby announcer, "Saturdays of Thunder"

Wow! Info-tainment!

— Homer watches `Eye on Springfield', "Flaming Moe's"

Tonight, we salute the silver anniversary of the Great Springfield Tire Yard Fire. Twenty-five years, and still burning strong!

— Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', "Flaming Moe's"

Kent: We'll watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man. [caption reads, "Opposites attract?"] Homer: He's not so fat.

— Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', "Flaming Moe's"

Kent: And we visit with heavyweight champion Dreaderick Tatum, who reminisces about growing up in Springfield. Tatum: That town is a dump. If you ever see me back there, you'll know I really [bleep]ed up bad.

— A candid interview, "Flaming Moe's"

But first! Part seven of our eye-opening look at the bikini!

— Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', "Flaming Moe's"

Whoa! T and A!

— Bart catches a glimpse of `Eye on Springfield's story on bikinis, "Flaming Moe's"

Janey: Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what your husband's job will be. Wanda: [disappointed] It's a mop. My husband will be a janitor. Lisa: That looks like an Olympic torch to me. Your husband could be an Olympic athlete who will go on to have a great acting career! Wanda: [lets another drop of wax fall] It's a dustpan. Lisa: The wax never lies...

— Lisa's slumber party, "Flaming Moe's"

Coming up next: An elephant who never forgets... to brush!

— Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', "Flaming Moe's"

Homer: What is it, boy? Bart: Mmph. Mmph. Mmph. Homer: Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man. Bart: [takes a pad and writes, `Say my name'.] Homer: Say your name? Why should I do that, my lad? Bart: Because I'm jinxed, dammit! Homer: [punches Bart in the arm] Bart: Ow! What was that for!? Homer: You spoke while you were jinxed, so I get to punch you in the arm! Sorry, it's the law! Heh heh.

— A kid at heart, "Flaming Moe's"

Homer: What's the matter, Moe? Moe: Oh, business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.

— "Flaming Moe's"

Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself.

— Moe, "Flaming Moe's"

Gin and... tonic? [in disbelief] Do they mix?

— Moe dusts off his chart of drink recipes, "Flaming Moe's"

Selma: [showing slides] And this is Patty trying to plug her leg razor into one of those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets. [next slide, of a hairy-legged Patty] As you can see, we never did get the hang of it. Bart: Aye, carumba!

— "Flaming Moe's"

I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle. In my haste, I had grabbed a bottle of the kid's cough syrup. [mixes them in the blender, pours a glass, gulps it down] [waves his hand in front of his face] It passed the first test: I didn't go blind.

— Homer creates a new drink, "Flaming Moe's"

I don't know the scientific explanation, but FIRE MADE IT GOOD.

— Homer creates a new drink, "Flaming Moe's"

Wow, Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everybody's invited!

— Moe tastes a Flaming Homer, "Flaming Moe's"

Hey, this drink is delicious. And my phlegm feels looser!

— Snake oil not included, "Flaming Moe's"

Barney: [discovers the salad bar] Hey, what's this? Moe: A sneeze guard. Barney: [sneezes, spewing snot all over the sneeze guard] Wow, it really works!

— An ounce of prevention, "Flaming Moe's"

Moe, I haven't seen the place this crowded since the government cracked down on you for accepting food stamps.

— Homer, "Flaming Moe's"

The Flaming Moe is not for sale. Do you know how much of my blood and sweat are in this drink? [everybody in the bar spits out their drink] Uh, figure of speech.

— Moe refuses to sell out, "Flaming Moe's"

Martin: So the next time you use a gas chromatograph, remember to thank Mr. A. J. P. Martin. Ms. K: [applauding] Oh, brilliant, Martin, brilliant! Once again, you've wrecked the grading curve. Oh, I pity the poor student who has to follow you. [consults her sheet] Bart Simpson, you're next.

— "Inventors We Admire" day, "Flaming Moe's"

The Inventor I Admire, by Bart Simpson. The inventor I admire is not a rich man or a famous man or even a smart man. He's my father, Homer Simpson.

— "Flaming Moe's"

Bart: My father invented that drink, and if you'll allow me to demonstrate... [pulls out of brown paper bag a blender and bottles of liquor] Ms.K: Bart, are those liquor bottles? Bart: [as if this excused it] I brought enough for everybody. Ms.K: Take those to the teachers' lounge! You can have what's left at the end of the day.

— "Inventors We Admire" day, "Flaming Moe's"

Quimby: Henceforth, this date shall forever be known as Flaming Moe's Day! Advisor: Uh, sir, this is already Veterans' Day. Quimby: It can be two things!

— Serving one's country, "Flaming Moe's"

Moe: How about a warm Flaming Moe's welcome for... Aerosmith! Aerosmith: Nah, I don't think so Moe, we're just hanging out, etc. Moe: C'mon guys, free pickled eggs! Aerosmith: Awright! Yeah! [head onstage]

— The price of fame? "Flaming Moe's"

Ms.K: [heavy make-up, in a tube top] Hiya, scrumptious. Do you want to ignite my drink? Homer: You're my kid's teacher! Ms.K: Single parent, are we? Homer: No! Ms.K: [lasciviously] Well, let's pretend you are...

— Ms. Krabappel lets it all hang out at... "Flaming Moe's"

If there was any justice, <my> face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise.

— Homer gripes about Moe's phenomenal success, "Flaming Moe's"

Moe: [answering the phone] Flaming Moe's. Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name Hugh. Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. [calling] Hugh Jass! Somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass! Hugh: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass. Moe: Telephone. [hands over the receiver] Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass. Bart: [surprised] Uh, hi. Hugh: Who's this? Bart: Bart Simpson. Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart? Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, Mister. This is a crank call that sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now. Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. [hangs up] What a nice young man.

— Nobody's perfect, "Flaming Moe's"

When the weight of the world has got you down and you want to end your life. Bills to pay, a dead-end job, and problems with the wife. But don't throw in the tow'l, 'cuz there's a place right down the block... Where you can drink your misery away... At Flaming Moe's.... (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...) When liquor in a mug (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...) can warm you like a hug. (Flaming Moe's...) And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away... Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...

— Cheers to ... "Flaming Moe's"

Barney: [comes into Flaming Moe's] All: Barney! Bartender: How's the world treating you, Mr. Gumbel? Barney: [belch]

— Cheers to ... "Flaming Moe's"

Brace yourselves, gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... Love!? Who's been screwing with this thing!

— Prof. John Fink's attempt to discover the recipe for a Flaming Moe, "Flaming Moe's"

Kent: Next on `Eye on Springfield', a toast to Moe! the Wizard of Walnut Street. Moe: The Flaming Moe dates back to my forefathers who were bartenders to the czar.

— Continuing the tradition of rewriting history, "Flaming Moe's"

Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case? Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink. Homer: [whines] Oh! Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!

— The Great Hutzby, "Flaming Moe's"

Homer: [grumbles] Stupid Moe, non-inventing, recipe-stealing, pug-nosed... Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can get some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy. Homer: [sickly sweet] Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! [leaves the room, slamming the door] [pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. [closes the door] Marge: Well, DUH!

— "Flaming Moe's"

Now <that's> what I call a Happy Hour.

— Moe in bed with the waitress, "Flaming Moe's"

Woman: Morris, something troubles me. Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another 20 minutes.

— Moe and the waitress in bed, "Flaming Moe's"

Homer: [mumbling] Moe... Moe... Moe... Marge: Bart, are you going to mow the lawn today? Bart: Okay, but you promised me mo' money. Marge: I mo, I mo. Homer: [mumbling] Moe... Moe... Moe... Lisa: When Bart's done, can we mo to the moe-vies? There's a moe-tinee. Marge: Of course! All work and mo play makes Moe a moe moe. Bart: Moe moe moe moe moe? Marge: Moe moe moe. Lisa: Moe moe-moe-moe-moe moe. Bart: Moe-moe-moe moe. Maggie: [removes her pacifier] Moe.

— Moe Better Blues (or... Persistence of Moe-mory), "Flaming Moe's"

Joey: Mrs. Krabappel, I really need my drumsticks. Ms.K: [lasciviously playing with the drumsticks] Come and get 'em...

— "Flaming Moe's"

Homer: Where's that waitress of yours? Moe: Oh, she left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she was better off here.

— "Flaming Moe's"

Broker: Your stock in the power plant just went up for the first time in ten years. Homer: I own stock? Broker: Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain Constitutional rights.

— A fair exchange, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

For your information, I just made a cool $25 playing the market. Buy low, sell high, that's my motto. I may just quit my job at the power plant and become a full-time stock... market guy.

— Homer makes a killing on the stock market, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Homer: Hey, you guys aren't from around here, are you? Man 1: Ach, nein. We are from Chermany. He is from ze East. I am from ze Vest. Man 2: I hat a big company, and he hat a big company, and now we have a very big company. Man 1: We are interested in buying the power plant. Do you think the owner will ever sell it? Homer: Well, I happen to know that he won't sell it for less than $100 million! Man 2: 100 million? Man 1: [opens a briefcase of cash, counts] Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fuenf... Oh, don't vorry, we still enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns.

— Buy one, get one free, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

We'll have a savings account! We've never had one.

— Marge decides what to do with a stock market windfall, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Man 1: [hands Burns an offer of $100,000,000] Burns: Woo hoo! [dances about a bit] Ahem. I grudgingly accept.

— Driving a hard bargain, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Len: Those lousy Germans can't fire me. I'm the only one knows how to unjam the rod bottom dissociator. Karl: Well, they can't fire me. I'm the only one certified to run the gaseous contaminant particular [sic] fire. Homer: Well, they can't fire me! Len and Karl: Why? Homer: Because... [long silence]

— Reason enough, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Horst: Guten Morgen. I am Horst. The new owners have elected me to speak with you because I am the most non-threatening. Perhaps I remind you of the loveable Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes. All: Oh yeah, yeah he does.

— Familiarity breeds familiarity, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Horst: Do we have any alcoholics among us? [hands slowly go up] Man 1: Uh, me? Man 2: Right here. Man 3: I'm drunk right now!

— Getting to know you, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Horst: You will be given a six-week treatment at our drying-out facility in Hawaii, after which you will return at full pay. Len: Oh, great! [general agreement from other employees] Man 1: Hey, maybe I'll marry Elizabeth Taylor!

— "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Horst: We plan to have some frank discussions with your safety inspector. Homer: Hee hee. Yeah. Sock it to him, Horst! Len: Psst, Homer. Aren't <you> the safety inspector? Homer: [sees his nametag, "SAFETY INSPECTOR"] D'oh!

— "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

"You look sharp today, sir." "You looken sharpen todayen, mein Herr."

— Smithers studies Sycophantic German, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Homer: Lisa, your father needs your help. Do you know anything about Germany? Lisa: Well, it's a country in Europe. Homer: Good, good, I'm learning.

— Teaching an old dog, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Marge, it's not the money. My job is my identity. If I'm not a safety whatchamajigger, I'm nothing!

— Homer fears the loss of his job, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Hey you, stop being... so unsafe! Smitty! Safen up!

— Homer tries to look busy, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Horst: Homer, could ve have a word with you? Homer: No. Horst: I must have phrased that badly. My English is, how you say, inelegant. I meant to say, may we have a brief friendly chat. Homer: No. Horst: Once again, I have failed. [consults phrasebook] We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange of ideas. Homer: [runs away in panic]

— Homer fears for his job, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Man 1: You have been safety inspector for two years. What initiatives have you spearheaded in that time? Homer: Uh... All of them? Man 1: I see. ... Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well? Homer: I sure do! Man 1: [waits for a follow-up, which doesn't come]

— Homer tries to justify his job, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Karl: Yeah, you know, those Germans aren't so bad. Len: Sure they made mistakes in the past, but aah, that's why pencils have erasers!

— The power plant is under new management, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order: Simpson, Homer. That is all.

— The power plant is under new management, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Lisa: I made a new bar of soap by squeezing all our little soap slivers together! [holds up a multi-colored ball of soap slivers] Marge: That's very clever. Bart: And today, instead of buying comic books, I just read 'em and left 'em in the store. Marge: Mmm... You shouldn't do that. Lisa: My jumprope broke, but I just tied it back together. Marge: That's good, Lisa. Bart: I didn't take a bath today, and I may not take one tomorrow. Marge: I want you to take baths, Bart.

— The family try to scrape by, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

That's right. Gather the nectar, my little drones. And make the honey. Honey for your children... Fools! [laughs evilly]

— Burns watches his bee colony, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking. Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem? First name, Bea. Moe: Uh, yeah, just a minute, I'll check. [calls] Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem! Come on guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here? Barney: You sure do! [bar denizens laugh] Moe: Oh... [to phone] It's you, isn't it! Bart: [laughs] Moe: Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!

— "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Burns: Smithers, who is this saucy fellow? Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. Sector sieben-Grueber, I mean, sector 7-G.

— "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

— Burns learns the moral of the story, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Burns: [begging] Please sell me my plant back. I'll pay anything. Horst: Isn't this a happy coincidence! You are desperate to buy, and we are desperate to sell. Burns: [calculatingly] Desperate, eh? ... Advantage: Burns!

— Reversal of fortune, "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Horst: [threatingly] We Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine. Burns: [recoils in mock horror] Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! [hiding behind Smithers] Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me! Horst: Stop it! Man 2: Stop, sir. Burns: Don't let the Germans come after me. Oh no, the Germans are coming after me. Man 2: Please stop the `pretending you are scared' game, please. Horst: Stop it! Stop it! Burns: [brief pause, then resumes] No! They're so big and strong! Man 2: Stop it. Horst: Stop it, Mr. Burns. Man 2: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now. Burns: Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans... Horst: Burns, STOP IT!

— "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

Marge: Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand? Homer: But Marge, this one came with a corn-cob pipe!

— And smoke it, "I Married Marge"

Ahoy, Maties! If the water turns blue, a baby for you! If purple ye see, no baby thar be! If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail!

— Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test, "I Married Marge"

Homer: Do you really think you're pregnant? Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with the other kids. Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating I always did.

— Simple Simpsons symptoms, "I Married Marge"