Movie Trivia

Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing! Just a big scary rock. Bart: Hey, man, don't bad-mouth the head. Marge: Homer, it's the thought that counts. The moral of the story is a good deed is its own reward. Bart: Hey, we <got> a reward. The head is cool. Marge: Then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded. Homer: Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't've gotten anything. Marge: Well... Then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story. Homer: Exactly! Just a bunch of stuff that happened. Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days. Homer: Amen to that! [laughter all around]

— We don't need no steenkin' morals, "Blood Feud"

Ned: Come on over and strap on the feed bag. We're going to fire up ol' Propane Elaine and put the heat to the meat! Nummy-nummy-num! [hands Homer an invitation] Homer: I'll be there! [sotto voce] Notty-notty-not.

— "When Flanders Failed"

The Flanders' are having a beef-a-thon. Incredible Ned-ibles. Maude-acious vittles.

— Lisa reads Ned's barbecue invitation, "When Flanders Failed"

Stupid Flanders. Go ahead, Marge. Have a ball. What if they came back and I was dead from not eating. They'd cry their eyes out. [mock crying] "We should have never gone to the Flanders'. Oh, why did we go to the Flanders' house and leave Homer alone with no food?" And I'll be laughing, laughing from my grave, ha ha ha.

— Homer really knows how to show 'em, "When Flanders Failed"

Hmm, let's see... [dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT DECLARES WORLD PEACE] Naah... [dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT SIMPSON DECLARES WORLD PEACE] Mmm... [dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT SIMPSON WINS SUPER BOWL] Hey!

— Homer makes a wish, "When Flanders Failed"

Come on, Homer. I've got an ambition to do some wishin'!

— Ned Flanders, "When Flanders Failed"

[dreams of a penniless Ned] Ooh! [dreams of Ned shutting down his "Flanders' Stupid Left-Handed Shop" with a `Going out of business' sign] Heh heh heh heh. [dreams of a grave with the tombstone, "RIP Ned Flanders'] Eh, too far. [dreams of Ned shutting down his "Flanders' Stupid Left-Handed Shop" with a `Going out of business' sign] Mm! Okay, ready.

— Homer makes a wish, "When Flanders Failed"

Marge: Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV? Bart: Six. Seven if there's something good on.

— "When Flanders Failed"

Marge, TV gives so much and asks so little. It's a boy's best friend.

— Homer explains, "When Flanders Failed"

Akira: Hello, I am Akira. Ha! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead] That didn't hurt very much, because I know the ancient art of karate. [lying on his back with a giant rock on his chest, as two men pound the rock with sledgehammers] Karate focuses the mind and gives you self-confidence. People from all walks of life... Doctors... Man: Hai-ya! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead, in the process, breaking his glasses, which he forgot to take off] Akira: Home makers... Woman: Hoi-ya! [breaks a cinder block with her forehead] Akira: Landscape architects... Woman: Haiiiii-ya! [breaks a cinder block with her forehead] Akira: Choreographers... Man: Hoa! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead] Akira: High karate, at low, low prices. George Washington: I cannot tell a lie. This is a great deal! [smashes a wooden board with his head] [TV caption: Washington's Birthday Sale, $10 a lesson]

— TV advertisement, "When Flanders Failed"

Absotively posilutely!

— Ned Flanders' way of saying, `yes', "When Flanders Failed"

Akira: We learn karate, so that we need never use it. Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I already know how not to hit a guy. Can we break out the nunchucks? Akira: Ah yes, the impetuousness of youth. For now, let us read... Bart: Akira, my good man, when do we break block of ice with our heads? Akira: First, you must fill you head with wisdom, then you can hit ice with it. Bart: Yo, sensei. Can I go to the bathroom? Akira: You can if you believe you can. Bart: [leaving] Pay money to read books, pffft. The hell with this!

— Karate school, "When Flanders Failed"

Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is? Homer: No, I do not know what shaden-frawde is. [sarcasm] Please tell me, because I'm dying to know. Lisa: It's a German term for `shameful joy', taking pleasure in the suffering of others. Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt! [getting mad] He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel... What's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours? Lisa: [nastily] Sour grapes. Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!

— Selbstverstaendlich! "When Flanders Failed"

Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.

— Marge, "When Flanders Failed"

Homer: Hey, boy! How was class? Bart: Today, we learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him before he dies! Homer: Ooh. That'll learn him.

— Karate school, "When Flanders Failed"

Ned: I think word of mouth is starting to spread. Man: Hey, I hear you validate parking tickets without purchase. Ned: Oh, right as rain! Or, as we say around here, `left as rain', heh heh. Man: Just stamp the ticket. Ned: Oh, okay.

— "When Flanders Failed"

Burns: And what's your name? Homer: Homer Simpson, sir. Burns: Simpson, eh? I'm Monty Burns.

— Pleased to meet you, again, "When Flanders Failed"

Burns: [reads an entry in the suggestion box] `Keep that handsome owner out of sight, he's distracting the female employees'. Oh, Smithers... Smithers: You got me, sir.

— "When Flanders Failed"

Burns: Damned infernal gizmo. My kingdom for a left-handed can opener! Homer: Um, Mr. Burns? ... [dreams of Ned's Leftorium store] Ned: [in Homer's dream] Come on, Homer, tell him about the store! I'm dying out here! Homer: Sorry, Flanders. [leaves]

— "When Flanders Failed"

Ned: See anything you like? [at Ned's lawn sale] Homer: Oh, I get it! It's not good enough for you, but it's good enough for me! Well, I wouldn't be caught dead buying this... Hello!

— Homer espies Ned's gas grill, "When Flanders Failed"

Homer: Hey, Bartly-boobly, care for a steak-a-rooney? Bart: Sounds crumptly-uptious, dear old duddly-doodly! Homer: Heh heh, duddly-doodly.

— Talking like Ned Flanderoosky, "When Flanders Failed"

I'm sure <you> did nothing to discourage this, you scavenger of human misery.

— Lisa, "When Flanders Failed"

Chuck: Good afternoon, sir. I'm Chuck Ellis, from the Springfield Collection Agency, and I'm here to ask you why you don't think you need to pay your bills. Homer: Oh, I know I need to pay them, but there's just so many! Chuck: Does it make you feel good about yourself to owe people money? We've been very patient with you, Mr. Flanders. Homer: I know, but... Wait a minute, I'm Homer Simpson. Ned Flanders lives over there. Flanders is in debt? Are you sure? Chuck: Ha. We don't make mistakes.

— "When Flanders Failed"

Ned: At times like these, I used to turn to the Bible and find solace, but even the Good Book can't help me now. Homer: Why not? Ned: I sold it to you for seven cents. Homer: Oh.

— "When Flanders Failed"

Homer: Listen, Flanders, you still have that store? Ned: For two more days. [sniff] It becomes Libertarian Party headquarters. I hope they have better luck than I did.

— Fat chance, "When Flanders Failed"

`Kiss me, I'm left-handed"? [laughs] Oh, that's a classic! [laughs] Whoa! [falls off the table]

— Barney, bastion of balance, "When Flanders Failed"

It's all here, and it's all backwards!

— Homer hypes Ned's Leftorium, "When Flanders Failed"

Burns: [talking to a tin can] Ah, the worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you, you were once so proud. Feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns! Moe: My life begins today! Barney: [wearing a `Kiss me, I'm left-handed' shirt] Wow, what an icebreaker! [two pretty girls kiss him] Chuck: Left-handed ledgers! Now I can write all the way to the edge! Akira: Ha ha ha. Left-handed nunchucks!

— Shopping at the Leftorium, "When Flanders Failed"

Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us friends.

— Ned, "When Flanders Failed"

Hey, we're like the Waltons. We're praying for the end of the Depression, too.

— Bart reacts to President Bush's 1992 State of the Union Address

Lisa: [wakes up Bart] Bart: Lisa! It's 6am! Something's wrong. Dad died! Lisa: No no, he's fine! Bart: Well, whaddya know, I'm relieved.

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Lisa: Bart, in two days, I'm going to be eight years old. It's a big number, almost double digits. Bart: Well, enjoy it while you can. Everything changes when you hit the big one-oh. Your legs start to go, candy doesn't taste as good any more... Lisa: Bart, will you please let me pour my little heart out? Bart: Sorry, this old-timer does ramble on sometimes, don't he.

— Pre-life crisis? "Stark Raving Dad"

Hi, kids! You've reached the Krusty Hot-Line! If you haven't asked your parent's permission, naughty-naughty! But Krusty forgives you. ($2 for the first minute, 50 cents for each additional minute.) [laughs and laughs and laughs] Thanks for calling, kids! A new message every day!

— 1-909-O-U-KLOWN, "Stark Raving Dad"

Marge: Bart, I asked you to watch your sister [Maggie]. Bart: I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me!

— A likely story, "Stark Raving Dad"

Aagh! Pink? Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different...

— Homer finds all his shirts are pinko, "Stark Raving Dad"

Burns: Why is that man in pink! Smithers: Oh, that's Homer Simpson, sir. He's one of your boobs from Sector 7-G. Burns: Simpson, eh?

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Burns: Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of free-thinking anarchist. Smithers: I'll call security, sir. Burns: Excellent. Yes, these color monitors have already paid for themselves...

— Homer wears a pink shirt to work, "Stark Raving Dad"

Burns: Doctor, what should we do about our freewheeling fop over here? Monroe: Well, Monty, it used to be that establishing a patient's sanity took months. That's all changed, thanks to the Marvin Monroe take-home personality test. Twenty simple questions that will determine exactly how crazy or [makes quotation sign with fingers] `meshuggeneh' someone is. [hands it to Homer] Homer: [reading] Print name? [moans] Oh...

— In triplicate, please... "Stark Raving Dad"

Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me? Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote. Homer: D'oh!! Oh, okay. Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight, by Lisa Simpson. [reads] I had a cat named Snowball -- She died! She died! Mom said she was sleeping -- She lied! She lied! Why oh why is my cat dead? Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? [next verse] I had a hamster named Snuffy -- He died... Homer: [takes his form] No deal.

— Death and Transfiguration, "Stark Raving Dad"

Bart: Dad, maybe you should do this. Homer: Son, it's no different than the time I let you vote for me. Remember that absentee ballot?

— On filling out a psychiatric evaluation form, "Stark Raving Dad"

Announcer: Our $50,000 home video finalists are... Man Breaking Hip. [sound of bowling pins, followed by a scream] Homer: [chuckles] Announcer: [chuckles] Dog On Fire. [doing a doggy voice] Ruff, anybody order a hot dog? Homer: [laughs uproariously] Oh, look at him! Announcer: And finally, Baby With a Nail Gun. [kachunk] Homer: Aww.... Announcer: Cast your votes now! Homer: Dog On Fire! Dog On Fire!

— America's Stupidest Home Videos, "Stark Raving Dad"

Bart: Hey, Dad, do you hear voices? Homer: [angrily] Yes, I'm hearing one right now while I'm trying to watch TV... Bart: [checks] Yes. Are you quick to anger? Homer: Bart! Shut up or I'll shut you up! Bart: [checks] Yes. Do you wet your pants? Well, even the best of us has an occasional accident. [checks the remainder of the form `Yes' all the way down]

— Filling out a psychiatric evaluation form, "Stark Raving Dad"

Careful, men. He wets his pants.

— Smithers' instructions to security, "Stark Raving Dad"

Doctor: [shows Homer an inkblot] Homer: Eh, the devil with his fly open. Doctor: Right. [shows another] Homer: Uh, that's a spill on the floor with bugs going after it. Uh, they're going to eat it. Doctor: Good. [shows another, which looks like Bart] Homer: THE BOY!!!!!! [restrained by two orderlies]

— I'm perfectly normal, really... "Stark Raving Dad"

Homer: This isn't fair! How can you tell who's sane and who's insane? Doctor: Well, we have a very simple method. [stamps his hand, `INSANE'] Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.

— Does that mean he can come back for free? "Stark Raving Dad"

Homer: Who are you? Man: Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, from The Jacksons. Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from The Simpsons...

— Homer meets his cell-mate at the asylum, "Stark Raving Dad" [A little meta-humor for your enjoyment.]

Man: I can't believe you never heard of me. I'm a very popular entertainer. Homer: Oh, of <course> I've heard of you! I mean, you'd have to be living under a rock not to know... What'd you say your name was? Man: Michael Jackson. Homer: Doesn't ring a bell.

— I own a mansion and a yacht... "Stark Raving Dad"

Man: Well, have you heard of MTV? Homer: No. Man: Motown. Homer: No. Man: Beat It. Homer: <You> beat it! Man: Thriller. Homer: What was that last one? Man: Thriller. Homer: Nope. Man: Well, how about this... [sings Billy Jean, complete with wild gyrations, crotch grab, and moonwalk] Homer: Wow! How do you do that thing with your feet? Man: The moonwalk? Homer: No, that thing with your feet! Man: Here, look. Just raise your heel a bit, put a little pressure on the ball of your foot. [demonstrates] Homer: [tries to imitate, but ends up going forwards] D'oh!

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Man: You seem like a nice guy. Why'd they put you in here? Homer: 'Cause I wore a pink shirt. Man: I understand. People thought I was crazy for the way I dressed... Homer: What'd you wear? Man: One white glove, covered with rhinestones. Homer: [crosses his eyes and does that `bebebebebebe' thing with his lips]

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Lisa: Bart, in the split second before he died, I bet Scratchy appreciated his birthday present. Do you see how this relates to us? Bart: Hey, you want that once-a-year empty gesture? You got it, Sis. - Lisa fishes for a birthday gift, "Stark Raving Dad"

Man: Homer, this is Floyd. He's an idiot savant. Give him any two numbers, and he can multiply them in his head, just like that. Homer: Okay. Five times nine. Floyd: Forty-five. Homer: Wow!

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Homer: I gotta call my family. Oh, this is so embarrassing, calling them from a nuthouse. I mean, they think I'm a god! Man: I could call them for you. Homer: Oh great. And uh, try to put a good face on it. Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight.

— HS, Phone Home... "Stark Raving Dad"

Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.

— Bart answers the phone, "Stark Raving Dad"

Man: Hello? Who's this? Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? Man: I'm Michael Jackson.

— Bart answers the phone, "Stark Raving Dad"

Man: I'm Michael Jackson. Bart: <The> Michael Jackson? [makes scoffing sound] No way! Man: It's true. I'm with your father in a mental institution. Bart: Uh huh. And is Elvis with you? Man: Could be. It's a big hospital.

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Man: Your father really needs your help. You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you? Bart: Hm... lobotomy... [begin dream] [Bart is playing in the house and breaks a lamp] Homer: [stitches on forehead still visible, wearing his pink shirt] [zombie-like] That's all right, son... [end dream] Bart: Well, there's probably a down side I don't see.

— "Stark Raving Dad"

[Bart jots down a message] Uh huh. New Bedlam Asylum. Loves us. Needs us. Fears he may never see us again. Got it. [hangs up] Michael Jackson, woo hoo! I love you, man!

— A difference of priorities, "Stark Raving Dad"

Bart: Hey, Mom! Dad's in a mental institution! Marge: Oh, my God... Mother was right!

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Man: Don't you worry. Your family's going to be here before you know it. Patient: Forget it, pal. There's only one way out of here, and it ain't pretty. Homer: What's that? Patient: Dating a nurse. Homer: [whining] Oh!

— Escape from New Bedlam, "Stark Raving Dad"

Marge: I told you kids you were going to send your father to the crazy house! Bart: No, Mom, you said poor house. Marge: I said crazy house. Bart: Poor house. Marge: Crazy house. Bart: Poor house. Marge: Crazy house!

— Den of iniquity? "Stark Raving Dad"

Hello, you have reached the New Bedlam "Wrongly Committed" Hot-line. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stand by. [Muzak is `Crazy', Patsy Cline's biggest hit (written by Willie Nelson).]

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Homer: [talking in his sleep] pancakes... football... boobies... pork rinds... waffles... Man: [to his stuffed animal] Bubbles, it's going to be a long night.

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Dave: So I was working in an insurance company, right? Youngest VP in the history of the firm, okay? The job was my life. Then one Monday morning, I got up. I got up, I couldn't leave the house. I just couldn't. Homer: Was the door locked? Dave: No, I just couldn't face what was out there. Homer: Was it raining? Nurse: No, Homer, Dave suffers from agoraphobia, a fear of open areas and crowds. Please, Dave, go on. Dave: Thank you. Anyway, that day I just knew I just couldn't make that long drive to work. Homer: Were you out of gas? Nurse: [glares at Homer] Homer: Pffft. Baby...

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia, and bladder hostility. Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is. Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart?! Good Lord!

— Springing Homer from the New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting, "Stark Raving Dad"

Doctor: Mr. Simpson, after talking to your wife, we believe you're no threat to yourself or others. Homer: That's the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me. Can I have it in writing, please? Doctor: Of course. [hands Homer a certificate: This certifies HOMER SIMPSON not insane.]

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Homer: If you ever find your marbles, come visit us. Man: Well, how about today? I'm only here voluntarily. Homer: You are!? Why? Man: Well, back in 1979, I got real depressed when my `Off the Wall' album just got one lousy Grammy nomination.

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.

— Bart answers the phone, "Stark Raving Dad"

Homer: [on the phone with Bart] I'm bringing Michael Jackson home to stay with us for a few days. [aside] Isn't that cute, he's heard of you. [to phone] Now make sure we have plenty of cold cuts, and put some beer on ice... Man: Um, Homer, I'm a vegetarian, and I don't drink. Homer: Are you <sure> you're here voluntarily?

— Checking out of the New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting, "Stark Raving Dad"

Bart: [on the phone] Yes, Dad, I solemnly swear I will not tell another living soul. ... No, not even Millhouse. [hangs up] [intense, but brief, mental struggle] [dials phone] Hello, Millhouse? Can you keep a secret? Millhouse: No. Bart: Oh, well, who cares.

— I've got a secret, "Stark Raving Dad"

This is the uh most exciting thing to happen to our uh fair town since the Dalai Lama visited in 1952. And so, I hereby declare that Route 401, currently known as the Dalai Lama Expressway, will be henceforth be known as the Michael Jackson Expressway.

— Mayor `Diamond' Joe Quimby, "Stark Raving Dad"

Lisa: Bart, the entire town is howling for your blood, and before I join them, I have one question. Today is my birthday. You promised to get me something and... and... I'm afraid to ask... Bart: You know, maybe you should trust that instinct and not ask.

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Dear Bart, I am using the stationery Mom and Dad gave me <for my birthday> to inform you that we are now brother and sister in name only. Perhaps if a professional so advises, I will give you a hug at some far-distant family reunion. But rest assured, it will be purely for show. [sobs]

— Lisa writes a letter to Bart, "Stark Raving Dad"

Bart: I can't write a song, I'm only ten. Man: Only ten? When I was your age, I had six gold records!

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Bart: Looney Toons, this is what Michael Jackson looks like. [shows an album] You're nothing but a big fat mental patient. Man: You'd be amazed how often I hear that.

— "Stark Raving Dad"

[to the tune of the Colonel Bogey March] Lisa, her teeth are big and green. Lisa, she smells like gasoline. Lisa, da da da Disa. She is my sister, her birthday, I missed-a.

— Bart's birthday song for Lisa, "Stark Raving Dad"

Man: Oh, she looks sad. Bart: That's 'cause she knows you're looking at her. Lisa: [turns] Although I'm aware you're looking at me, I would look exactly the same even if you weren't.

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Man: Bart, think. What happens to you when you turn eight? Bart: Well, your training wheels come off your bike... Man: Good. That's good. [plays and sings] Your training wheels come off your bike, You start to notice boy you like. Hee hee hee! Bart: You're just putting that in because it's commercial. Man: [chuckles]

— Bart's birthday song for Lisa, "Stark Raving Dad"

Man: [in his normal voice] Well, my work is done here. Bart: Hey, Michael, what happened to your voice? Man: This is my real voice. My name is Leon Kompowski, and I'm a bricklayer from Paterson, New Jersey. All my life, I was very angry. Until one day, I just [Michael Jackson voice] talked like this. [in his normal voice] All of a sudden, everyone was smiling at me, and I was only doing good on this earth. So I kept on doing it. To make a tired point, which one of us is truly crazy? Homer: Not me, I've got this! [shows his certificate]

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Marge: Bye-bye, Leon. Lisa: You're a credit to dementia!

— "Stark Raving Dad"

Bad news, drivers. There's an overturned melon truck on the interstate. Oh, it's a mess. There's lots of rubber-necking and melon wrestling going on, folks...

— Bill Pie "in the Sky", KBBL traffic report, "Some Enchanted Evening"

This is KBBL talk radio, K-Babble. All talk, 24 hours a day. If you'd like to share your embarrassing problem with our listening audience, we invite you to call our therapist of the airwaves, Dr. Marvin Monroe. The number is 555-PAIN. [Marge drums her fingers and casts nervous glances at the phone] Don't be afraid, call now! [Marge dashes for the phone]

— "Some Enchanted Evening"

Dr.MM: Next we have Marge. She's 34 and trapped in a loveless sham of a marriage. Homer: Hey, turn it up! I love hearing those wackos!

— The SNPP workers listen to a radio call-in show, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Dr.MM: [radio talk show therapist] Tell me about your husband, Marge. Marge: [on the phone] When we were dating, he was sweeter... and more romantic! ... [beginning to sob] And forty pounds thinner, and he had hair... [burbling barely coherently] And he ate with utensils! [breaks down crying]

— Marge calls KBBL, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Dr.MM: Your husband sees you as nothing. Marge: [pause] Oh, okay. Well, thank you. [about to hang up] Dr.MM: No no no, don't hang up!

— Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Dr.MM: The pig has made you into his mother. You are not the hot love object you deserve to be! Marge: Really? Dr.MM: I'm as sure of it as I'm sure my voice is annoying. Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got to tell him you're fed up, and if he doesn't start loving you, you will be leaving. Marge: Leave Homer!? Dr.MM: Please! Don't use his real name! Marge: Leave Pedro!?

— Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again! Bart: [dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor. Moe: Moe's Tavern. Bart: Hello, is Al there? Moe: Al? Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic. Moe: Lemme check... [calls] Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. Is there an Al Coholic here? [bar denizens laugh] Wait a minute... [to phone] Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!

— "Some Enchanted Evening"

Homer: Hey, Barney, am I a pig? Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am! [huge belch]

— From someone who should know, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Moe: Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the town. Candles, tablecloth, the whole nine yards.

— Gee, I didn't mean to put you to so much trouble, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Homer: [unsure of himself] Uh, I'd like some flowers. Florist: What kind of flowers? Homer: Uh, you know, pretty ones, not dead. Florist: Well, we've have some beautiful long-stemmed roses. They're $55 a dozen. Homer: [thinks] One, please.

— Think small, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Bart: [dialing the phone] A little pre-dinner entertainment. Moe: [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern. Bart: Is Oliver there? Moe: Who? Bart: Oliver Clothesoff. Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff! Bart+Lisa: [laugh]

— "Some Enchanted Evening"

Homer: And, I made reservations at Chez [pron. /chez/] Paree! Marge: Oh, but Homer, that's expensive! Homer: It matters not, mon frere!

— A night on the town with the boys? "Some Enchanted Evening"

Clerk: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service! Homer: Hello, this is Mr... Sam-son. Clerk: Did your wife just call a second ago? Homer: No, I said Samson, not Simpson.

— Just checking, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.

— Homer pretends to be Mr. Samson, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Aye-aye, Mambo-Man!

— Bart, "Some Enchanted Evening"

[moaning] Oh! The Elves! The Elves!

— Quasi-Bart-o, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Bart: [watching a Happy Little Elves tape] Oh, man, I can't take it any more! Lisa: But I want to see what happens. Bart: You <know> what happens. They find Captain Quick's treasure. All the elves dance around like little green idiots. I puke. The End. Lisa: Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.

— "Some Enchanted Evening"

The Cue-ball Killer should be considered extremely armed and dangerous. If you think you've seen him, call 1-800-U-SQUEAL.

— "Some Enchanged Evening"

The defenseless youngsters were tied up and gagged in the living room, while the bandit roamed the house at will, [TV pans over an empty house] stealing the valuable objects it took the family a lifetime to shop for!

— Watching `America's Most Armed and Dangerous', "Some Enchanted Evening"

Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this.

— Bart to The Babysitter Bandit, after a failed capture attempt, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Bart: We know who you are, Ms. Botz. Or should I say, Ms. Botzcowski. You're the Babysitter Bandit. Ms.B: You're a smart young man, Bart. I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut. Lisa: He isn't.

— A little knowledge, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Operator: Hello, vigilant viewer. How may we help you? Lisa: We caught her! We caught the Babysitter Bandit! She's tied up at our house right now! Bart: Ask if there's a reward. Lisa: Is there a reward? ... [to Bart] If she's convicted, we get T-shirts. Bart: Yeah!

— Calling America's Most Armed and Dangerous, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Ms.Botz: Mr. Samson, can I give you a bit of advice? Homer: Sure. Ms.Botz: Don't turn your back on that boy for a second.

— Words of warning from the Babysitter Bandit, "Some Enchanted Evening"

Homer: Lord help me, I'm just not that bright. Marge: Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, you raised three children who could knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing <something> right.

— "Some Enchanted Evening"

Lisa: `Id', triple-word score! Homer: No abbreviations. Lisa; Not I.D., Dad, `id'. It's a word! Bart: As in "This game is stoop-id".

— Playing Scrabble, "Bart the Genius"

Bart: Here we go. Kwyjibo. [places his tiles] K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here. [gets up] Homer: [grabs Bart with his left hand, holding a banana in his right] Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is. Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh... a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin. Marge: And a short temper. Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [leaps for Bart] Bart: [making his escape] Uh oh. Kwyjibo on the loose!

— Playing Scrabble, "Bart the Genius"

Pr.Sk: Whoever did this is in very deep trouble. Martin: And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of `wiener' is W-I-E-N-E-R, althoug E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant. Pr.Sk: Good point.

— Either way, he's still a weiner. "Bart the Genius"

Now I don't want you to worry, class. These test will have no effect on your grade. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. [looks at Bart] If any.

— Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, "Bart the Genius"

Remember to visualize the complex problem. And relaaaaax. The test will start... [looks around calmly] [yells] Now!

— Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, "Bart the Genius"

Bart: [reading a test question] The 7:30am express train travelling at 60 miles an hour leaves Santa Fe bound for Phoenix, [chews on his pencil] 520 miles away. Ms.K: Shhh! [points to her head] Visualize it, Bart! Bart: [visualizing in black-and-white] At the same time, the local train travelling 30 miles an hour and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix bound for Santa Fe. It is eight cars long and always carries the same number of passengers in each car. [Bart counts five passengers on the train car (the number hovering over each passenger's head) and visualizes 40 / 8 = 5. The train travels through a numerical landscape.] An hour later, a number of passengers equal to half the number of minutes past the hour get off, and three times as many plus six get on. [Bart and his equation are trampled by the passengers.] At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice as many get on as got on at the first stop. [Trampled again. Bart spits out a number.] Train conductor: Ticket, please. Bart: I don't have a ticket! Train conductor: Come with me, boy. [drags Bart off. Numbers circle Bart's head] We've got a stowaway, sir. Bart: I'll pay! How much? [the train engineer is... Martin! Shoveling numbers into the engine.] Martin: Twice the fare from Tuscon to Flagstaff minus two thirds of the fare Albuquerque to El Paso! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!

— Math is Hell, "Bart the Genius"

What are you looking at, Bart! Are those naughty dogs back again?

— Ms. Krabappel catches Bart staring out the window, "Bart the Genius"

Pr.Sk: I caught your son defacing school property this morning. We estimate the damage is $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill. Homer: Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you going to do? Marge: [whispers to Homer] Homer: Oh no. He can't mean that. [to Principal Skinner] My wife thinks you want <me> to pay for it. Pr.Sk: That <was> the idea. Homer: Oh.

— "Bart the Genius"

What do <we> need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

— Homer, "Bart the Genius"

Dr.J: The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but as you can see, it's beyond the range of any doubt. [hands Homer a slip of paper] Homer: Nine hundred and twelve!!?!? Dr.J: Uh, no. You have it upside-down. It's two hundred and sixteen. Homer: [disappointed] Oh.

— "Bart the Genius"

Dr.J: [measuring Bart's head with calipers] Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school? Bart: Oh, you bet. Dr.J: Mm hm. Do you ever feel a little frustrated? Bart: All the time, sir. Dr.J: Uh huh. And do you ever dream of leaving class to pursue your own intellectual development on an independent basis? Bart: Oh, like you're reading my mind, man.

— Great minds think alike, "Bart the Genius"

Pr.Sk: I think we should re-test him. Dr.J: No, I think we should move him to another school. Pr.Sk: Even better!

— "Bart the Genius"

Homer: My son, a genius!? How does it happen? Dr.J: Well, genius, like intelligence, is usually the result of heredity and environment. Homer: [stares blankly] Dr.J: Although in some cases, it's a total mystery.

— "Bart the Genius"

Marge: It's a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious. Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes is what got him where he is today! [looks at the box] It must be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart... Lisa? Lisa: [looks up from her granola] Homer: Maybe you should try some of this. Marge: Homer! Homer: I'm just saying, why not have <two> geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up.

— First day of genius school, "Bart the Genius"

Bart: Oh no, ties! Homer: Don't worry, son, you can have mine. Here, let me show you how to put on a tie. [takes off his clip-on] The hook goes over the top, and these things go in there.

— "Bart the Genius"

Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!

— Homer drops Bart off at the Enriched Learning Center for Gifted Children, "Bart the Genius"

Ms.M: Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives? Bart: [looks around nervously; all stare at him] Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.

— "Bart the Genius"

Marge: Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without... mmm... mmm... What's that word where you encourage something to grow? Bart+Homer: [stare blankly and hum "I dunno"] Lisa: [brightly] Nurturing. Marge: ... nurturing your brilliant brain.

— "Bart the Genius"

Marge: I got tickets to the opera tonight. Hurry up, get dressed, it starts at eight. Bart: [whining] Oh, Mom, not tonight... Homer: Come on, Bart. Your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead and enjoy the show. Marge: Homer, you're going, too. Homer: But I'm not a genius! Why should <I> suffer!?

— "Bart the Genius"

Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor. Please use the cuspador. That's what it's for.

— Bart at the opera, "Bart the Genius"

Marge: Bart, stop fooling around! Homer, stop encouraging him. Homer: Don't stifle the boy, Marge. We're <supposed> to encourage him.

— At the opera, "Bart the Genius"

Homer: Who's the lard-butt? Lisa: He's the bullfighter. Bart: No way the bull's going to miss a target that big!

— At the opera, "Bart the Genius"

Ms.M: So y = r^3/3. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Class: [chuckles] Ms.M: Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative dy = 3 r^2 / 3, or r^2 dr, or r dr r. Har-de-har-har, get it? Bart: [not amused] Oh, yeah. [forced laugh]

— Making math fun, "Bart the Genius"

It doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong.

— Dr. J. Loren Pryor, "Bart the Genius"

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

— Homer, "Bart the Genius"

Ms.K: [blows whistle] Now class, I don't want this field trip to be a repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison. So I want you all to be on your best behavior. Especially you, Bart Simpson. Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door!

— It was like that when I got there! "Homer's Odyssey"

Oooh, sorry little dudes. Party hearty equals tardy.

— Otto, "Homer's Odyssey"

Bart: Hey Otto! Hey Otto-man! Otto: Hey Bart-dude! Bart: Any new tattoos, Otto? Otto: Ho! Funny you should ask, man. This morning I woke up with this one. [lifts his sleeve] Bart: Cooool! I want one! Otto: Not till your fourteen, my little friend. Bart: [forlorn look]

— Good things come to those who wait, "Homer's Odyssey"

Please try not to shake the seat like that.

— Wendell rides on the school bus, "Homer's Odyssey"

Ms.K: Now class, remember, do not stick any part of your body out the window. We all know the tragic story of the young man who stuck his arm out the window and had it ripped off by a big truck coming in the other direction. Bart: [arm tucked inside his shirt] And I was that fool!

— "Homer's Odyssey"

Lewis: Look, there's our school again! Ms. K: Otto, are you sure you... Otto: It's a shortcut Mrs. K, trust me!

— Field trip, "Homer's Odyssey"

Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, Mrs. Krabappel! Mrs K: Bart! Not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the humiliation of making you sing in front of the class. Bart: Can I pick the song? Mrs K: No! The song will be `John Henry Was a Steel Driving Man'. Bart: [moans] Oh no. [zips his mouth shut] Sherry: We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson. Terry: Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing. [they consult privately, giggle, then both lean over the bus seat and kiss Bart] Bart: Waaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh! Ms.K: That's it Bart! Oh, why can't you be more like... uh... uh... uh... S+T: [raising their hands] Us, Mrs. Krabappel? Otto: Yeah... Sherry and Terry, they know how to behave. S+T: [halos appear over their heads as they sit angelically on the bus]

— "Homer's Odyssey"

Bart: Da-da, da da-da, DA, Whoa! They took Bart Simpson to the graveyard. [ungh] And buried him in the sand. (oh yeah) And every locomotive that came rollin' by Ms.K: Bart! Bart: said There lies a steel-driving man, Ms.K: Bart! Bart: (lord lord, ooh) There lies a steel... Ms.K: Okay, Bart, that's enough!

— Bart sings as punishment, "Homer's Odyssey"

Narrator: When most people think of nuclear energy, they think of this... A-Bomb: BOOM! [the kids cheer wildly]

— Nuclear Energy, our misunderstood friend, "Homer's Odyssey"

Uh-oh. Looks like there's a little left-over nuclear waste. [pulls out a hand broom] No problem! I'll just put them where nobody will find them for a million years! [sweeps the wasties under a throw rug and stomps them down]

— Smilin' Joe Fission, "Homer's Odyssey"

Sherry: Hey Bart! Our dad says your dad is incompetent. Bart: What does incompetent mean? Terry: It means he spends more time yacking and scarfing down donuts than doing his job. Bart: Oh, okay. I though you where putting me down.

— "Homer's Odyssey"

Ya know, I defy anyone to tell the difference between these donuts and ones baked today!

— Homer enjoys some donuts, "Homer's Odyssey"

Supervisor: All right, who's responsible for this? [everyone points at Homer] Homer: [meekly raises his hand] Supervisor: I might have known it was you, Simpson. Homer: But sir, I... Supervisor: I don't want to hear about it Simpson, your fired! [looks up to catwalk] Oh, hi, girls! Sherry+Terry: [waving] Hi, Daddy!

— "Homer's Odyssey"

Lisa: Here's a good job at the fireworks factory. Homer: Those perfectionists, forget it. Lisa: How about this, a supervising technician at the toxic waste dump. Homer: I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.

— "Homer's Odyssey"

There there, Homer. You'll find a job. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents, and you've always bounced back.

— Marge, "Homer's Odyssey"

I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much.

— Homer bemoans his lost job, "Homer's Odyssey"

Bart: Is Mister Freely there? Moe: Who? Bart: Freely, first initials I. P. Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey everybody, I. P. Freely! [the customers laugh] Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, your dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.

— "Homer's Odyssey"

Marge: Are you all right, Homer? Homer: I'm fine, I'm just thinking. Marge: I've been thinking, too. You know Homer, you've always been such a good provider... but when we got married, even Mr. Burger promised I could come back to my old job any time I wanted. Homer: You think you can still do that line of work? Marge: Sure, you never forget. It's just like riding a bicycle. [at a drive-in restaurant] Otto: Hey Momma, where's my fries already! [Marge skates in, somewhat annoyed]

— "Homer's Odyssey"

Lisa: Dad! Eat something! [holds up a sandwich] It's got mustard on it. [Homer's eye view of the ceiling] [Bart leans in and waves his hand. Lisa also leans in.] Bart: All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale. Lisa: I don't know what else to do. Maggie: [pokes Homer in the eye. The picture fuzzes.] Bart: There's only one thing we can do... take advantage of the old guy. You've gotta sign my report card, Dad. [Bart takes Homer's hand and scrawls his name]

— "Homer's Odyssey"

TV Announcer: Loaf-time, the cable network for the unemployed, will be back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this. Duff Beer commercial: Unemployed? Out of work? Sober? You sat around the house all day, but now it's Duff time! Duff, the beer that makes the days fly by! Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

— "Homer's Odyssey"

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

— Homer, "Homer's Odyssey"

[smashes open Bart's piggy bank with a hammer] Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... [counts] not even close.

— Homer, "Homer's Odyssey"

Mrs. Winfield: Looks like young Simpson is going to kill himself. Mr. Winfield: Oh, maybe not. Maybe he's just taking his boulder for a walk.

— Homer walks down the street with a rock tied to his waist, "Homer's Odyssey"

Homer: Boy! This intersection is dangerous. Someone oughta put a stop sign here. [a beam of sunlight graces Homer's face] Marge: Oh, Homer, how could think of killing yourself? We love you. Lisa: Yeah, Dad, we love you. Bart: Yeah! [during Homer's speech, the sun rises slowly in the distance] Homer: Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!

— "Homer's Odyssey"

Chief Wiggum: Well it's no secret. Our city is under siege by a graffiti vandal know as El Barto. Police artists have a composite sketch of the culprit. If anyone has any information, please contact us immediately. Bart: [looking at the `Wanted' poster that shares only a slight resemblance] Cool man!

— "Homer's Odyssey"

Homer: Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen, boys and girls, retired people with nothing better to do. Danger comes in many, many forms, from the dinosaurs that tormented our caveman ancestors, to the... Esteemed Councilman: Simpson! Get to the point. Homer: I think we should put a stop sign on D Street and Twelfth. The other... Councilman: All in favor [unanimously with the other councilmen] Aye. Approved, Meeting adjourned.

— "Homer's Odyssey"

If they think I'm going stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!

— Homer becomes safety-conscious, "Homer's Odyssey"

Homer: But come on, we all know this is small potatoes. There's a danger in this town that is bigger than all the Dips put together. Lisa: What, Dad? Homer: I'm talking about <that>! [points at the SNPP] Marge: You mean your going to pick on your old bosses? Lisa: Wow! Bart: Gee, Dad's a hero. Homer: Whadja say, son? Bart: Nuthin'. Homer: That's ok, I'll just assume you said what I though I heard you say.

— "Homer's Odyssey"

He also brought you the speed bump [cheer!] The dip sign [cheer!] The fifteen mile per hour speed limit on Main Street [boo!] I give you the man who's very name is synonymous with safety, Homer Simpson!

— Demonstration in front of SNPP, "Homer's Odyssey"

Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.

— Homer, "Homer's Odyssey"

Burns: Look at that man, he has the crowd in the palm of his hand. I haven't seen anything like it since Jolson. [to Smithers] Who is he? Smithers: That's Homer Simpson, sir. He used to work here in the plant, but we fired him for gross incompetence. Burns: Ah, so that's his little game. Get this Simpson character up here right now. Smithers: But Mr. Burns! Burns: I said do it, now DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!

— "Homer's Odyssey"

Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!

— Homer leads a demonstration at the SNPP, "Homer's Odyssey"

Smithers: Hey, Simpson, Burns wants to talk to you privately. Homer: [still speaking through the megaphone] Privately?

— Homer leads a demonstration at the SNPP, "Homer's Odyssey"

Ah, Homer Simpson, at last we meet.

— Monty Burns' famous words, "Homer's Odyssey"

Burns: Hear me out Simpson! I don't want you to come back as a technical supervisor, or supervising technician, or whatever the hell you used to be. I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant. Homer: Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee, [leaning forward] including a few doozies no one every found out about.

— "Homer's Odyssey"

Homer: [thinking to himself] Me in charge of safety? This place could blow sky-high. Naah, I'll concentrate on my work now. Hey, this guy's desk sure is big. I can't let Marge support the family! This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen. What should I... Burns: Simpson! Time's up. Homer: What the hay, I'll take the job.

— A carefully-thought-out decision, "Homer's Odyssey"

Burns: You mean you're willing to give up a good job and a raise, just for your principles? Homer: Hmmmm, you put it that way it does sound a little far-fetched, but that's the lug your looking at... and I vow to continue spending every free minute I have crusading for safety. Of course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me the job. Burns: Your not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.

— "Homer's Odyssey"

Your not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.

— Monty Burns, "Homer's Odyssey"

Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog. So you won't scrape yourself, or stub your toes, or blow yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us, and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you is, I'm going to be leaving you... But don't worry, I've just been appointed the new Safety Inspector at this very plant, and a big fat raise!

— Homer's announcement, "Homer's Odyssey"

You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.

— Homer, "Homer's Odyssey"

Bart: You know, there are names for people like you. Lisa: No there aren't. Bart: Teacher's pet! Apple polisher! Butt-kisser! Homer: Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

— "Bart the General"

Bart: You sniveling toad! You little egg-sucker! Lisa: [holding secure her box of cupcakes] Tell me more! Bart; Back-scratcher! Boot-licker! Honor student! Lisa: [smirking] You'll never get one now, name-caller. Bart: All right, all right. Look, I'm sorry. I, I got upset. In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean. Lisa: [milking it] You weren't thinking, were you. Bart: No. Lisa: I'm <not> a sniveling toad, am I? Bart: Not really. Lisa: I'm <not> a little egg-sucker, am I? Bart: Of course not. Lisa: Then what am I? Bart: A beautiful human being. Lisa: [coyly] What do you like best about me? Bart: [staring at the cupcakes] Well, I'd have to say... Your generous nature, your spirit of giving. Lisa: Well... [thinks] Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will get a big surprise. Bart: [does so] Lisa: [gets up. The bus stops, and a cupcake falls out of the box. Lisa picks it up and shoves it into Bart's mouth, then leaves] Bart: [munching] Thanks, Lis. You're the best!

— "Bart the General"

It was an accident, man. A terrible, ghastly mistake.

— Bart tries to talk his way out of another jam, "Bart the General"

Nelson: [threateningly] I'll get you after school, man. Bart: But... Princ. Skinner: Oh no no no, he'll get you after school, son. Now hurry up, it's time for class. Bart: But... Princ. Skinner: [shooing] Scoot, young Simpson! There's learning to be done!

— "Bart the General"

Look, everybody. I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this. I'm not saying that I'm not a hero. I'm just saying that... I fear for my safety.

— Bart, "Bart the General"

Otto: [at Bart's wake] Good-bye, little dude. [to Principal Skinner] He looks so lifelike, man! Pr.S: Yes, the nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face after the fight. Good-bye, son. I guess you were right. All that homework <was> a waste of your time.

— Wake me when it's over, "Bart the General"

Thanks, Bart! We got the day off from school for this!

— Milhouse attends Bart's wake, "Bart the General"

Nelson: Put 'em up! [circles his fists] Bart: [raises his hands in surrender]

— "Bart the General"

Bart: Well, I had a run-in with a... bully. Marge: [bursts in] A bully!? Homer: [annoyed] Come on, Marge! I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa! Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this. Bart: I... guess I could do that. Homer: What!? And violate the code of the schoolyard!? I'd rather Bart die! Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer!? Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. [enumerates them on his fingers] Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else...

— Rule number four: Girls have cooties, "Bart the General"

Marge: This bully friend of yours. Is he a little on the chunky side? Bart: Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right. Marge: Mmm. And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either. Bart: No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.

— "Bart the General"

Homer: You didn't expect that, did you. And neither will he. Bart: You mean that I should fight dirty, Dad? Homer: Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own. Bart: Amen! Homer: So the next time this bully thinks you're going to throw a punch, you throw a glob of mud in his eye! And then you sock him [pounds fist into hand] when he staggers around blinded! Bart: [getting into it] Yeah! Homer: And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned. Bart: Gotcha. Homer: [quietly] And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels. That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations. [punches the punching bag down low] Bart: [cringes] Thanks, Pop.

— The rules of the schoolyard, Simpson style, "Bart the General"

Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa? Bart: What can <he> do? Lisa: He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive. Bart: He is? Lisa: Yeah, remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?

— "Bart the General"

Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: Bra. Number two: Horny. Number three: Family Jewels.

— Grampa Simpson, "Bart the General"

Herman: [whispers] What's the password? Grampa: Let me in, you idiot! Herman: Right you are. [opens the door]

— "Bart the General"

Bart: Uh, Mr. Herman? Herman: Yes? Bart: Did, did you lose your arm in the war? Herman: My arm? Well, let me put it this way: Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it! Bart: [nervously] Yes, sir. I will.

— "Bart the General"

Herman: How many men do you have? Bart: None. Herman: You'll need more.

— "Bart the General"

The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now <you> know it.

— Herman, "Bart the General"

First, you'll need a declaration of war. That way, everything you do will be nice and legal.

— Herman, giving Bart advice on dealing with a local bully, "Bart the General"

Bart: Pssst. Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts. Grampa: Oh yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. And this guy's completely out of his mind! We can't fail!!

— "Bart the General"

Bart: Okay, we all know why we're here, right? Milhouse: No, why? Bart: To fight Nelson, the bully. That guy has been tormenting all of us for years, and I for one am sick of it! I can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times. But the one thing I do know... [all the kids file out] Whoa! Whoa! I promise you victory! I promise you good times! [kids cheer]

— Give 'em what they want, "Bart the General"

Bart: I got a B in arithmetic. Army: I got a B in arithmetic. Bart: Would have got an A but I was sick. Army: Would have got an A but I was sick.

— "Bart the General"

Bart: We are rubber, you are glue. Army: We are rubber, you are glue. Bart: It bounces off of us and sticks to you. Army: It bounces off of us and sticks to you. Bart: Sound off. Army: One! Two! Bart: Sound off! Army: Three!! Four!!

— "Bart the General"

Bart: What's the matter with you, soldier! Boy: It's my nerves, sir. I just can't stand the barking any more. Bart: Your nerves! [slaps the kid] I won't have cowards in my army. Grampa: [whaps Bart] Sorry, Bart. You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock, but for some reason you can't slap them.

— "Bart the General"

Bart: In English class I did the best. Army: In English class I did the best. Bart: Because I cheated on the test. Army: Because I cheated on the test. Bart: Sound off. Army: One! Two! Bart: I can't hear you! Army: Three!! Four!!

— "Bart the General"

Bart: We are happy, we are merry. Army: We are happy, we are merry. Bart: We got a rhyming dictionary. Army: We got a rhyming dictionary. Bart: Sound off. Army: One! Two! Bart: One more time! Army: Three! Four! Bart: Bring it on home now! Army: One! Two! Three! Four! One! Two! .... Three-Four!

— "Bart the General"

Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons? Bart: [salutes] Two hundred rounds, sir. [holds a balloon] Is it okay if they say `Happy Birthday' on the side? Herman: Urgh. I'd rather they say `Death from Above', but I guess we're stuck.

— Saturation bombing with a smile, "Bart the General"

It's a classic Pincer's Movement. It can't fail against a ten-year-old!

— Herman lends Bart military advice, "Bart the General"

I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a man's eyes. Thank heaven for children!

— Grampa Simpson, "Bart the General"

Homer: All right, you kids! Keep it down! Am I making myself cl--[oomph] [Homer is hit by a water balloon] Grampa: [giggles] Heh heh, got him! Homer: You! Up in the tree! The tall grey-haired kid! You come down here right now! Grampa: [pegs Homer in the face with another balloon]

— "Bart the General"

Goon #1: Don't hurt us! Goon #2: We surrender! Goon #1: We were only following orders!

— A likely story, "Bart the General"

Article Four: Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger. Article Five: Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist. Article Six: Although Nelson shall have no official power, he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood.

— Terms of surrender, "Bart the General"

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.

— Bart's disclaimer, "Bart the General"