Movie Trivia

Hang up, call me back, and say the exact opposite of everything you just said.

— Herbert, to his advisor, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

I want a horn here, here, and here. You can never find a horn when you're mad. And they should all play `La Cucaracha'.

— Homer, designing a car, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

Advisor: What about a separate soundproof bubble-dome for the kids with optional restraints and muzzles? Homer: Bullseye!

— designing a car, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

Lisa: The mouse is named Itchy and the cat is named Scratchy. Bart: They hate each other. Lisa: And they're not shy about expressing it.

— "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

To think I wasted my life in boardrooms, and stockholders meetings, when I could've been watching cartoons!

— Herbert Powell, watching `Itchy and Scratchy' "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

Hello there. Do you miss the Antarctic?

— Lisa, talking to a penguin at the zoo, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed stockholders, members of the press, Your Holiness...

— Herbert Powell, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way. Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it.

— Homer, describing his car, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

Homer: Gee Herb, because of me you lost your business, your home, and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life. Herbert: Maybe I would have been better off? MAYBE! Why you sponge-head. Of COURSE I'd have been better off. As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother! Marge: Mm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.

— Herbert leaving forever, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

His life was an unbridled success until he found out... he was a Simpson.

— Lisa, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

Bart: Dad? Homer: What is it, boy? Bart: I thought your car was really cool. Homer: Thanks boy! I was waiting for someone to say that.

— driving home, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

Marge: You know, <we'll> be old someday. Homer: Gasp! My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you? Bart: [considering the idea] Well... Homer: Aaah!

— After another miserable Sunday with Grampa, "Old Money"

Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!

— Grampa asks Bea Simmons out, "Old Money"

Yo, active wear? Need a price check on a wool shoal.

— Clerk at `Grandma's World', "Old Money"

Do not feed the animals. Do not allow animals inside the car. Do not make eye contact with animals.

— Lisa reads the instruction pamphlet for Discount Lion Safari, "Old Money"

Mr. Simpson, I presume.

— Very British `Discount Lion Safari' guide, "Old Money"

You know, Jasper, they may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart.

— Grampa mourns Bea's passing, "Old Money"

You can tell she really cared for me. She didn't make me a pallbearer.

— Grampa watches the pallbearers struggle with the casket, "Old Money"

Homer: I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad. Grampa: Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything. Homer: Oh no! Dad's lost his hearing!

— Grampa disowns Homer, "Old Money"

Hutz: There is one catch... You must spend one night in... a haunted house! Grampa: [gasp!] Hutz: Just kidding.

— Grampa inherits $106,000, "Old Money"

Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it. It looks just like a cigar. Isn't that something!

— Lionel Hutz leaves a calling card, "Old Money"

Grampa: Has it ever occurred to you that old folks deserve to be treated like human beings! whether they have money or not? Director: Yes, but it passes.

— The retirement home director tries to get his hands on... "Old Money"

Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas.

— Bea's ghost appears, "Old Money"

Hiya. You have reached Doctor Marvin Monroe's anxiety line. If you have a sullen teenager, press `1'.. NOW! If you are estranged from your spouse, press `2'... NOW! If you have trouble maintaining an...

— "Old Money"

Monroe: It's a special isolation chamber. The subject pulls levers to receive food and water. The floor can become electrified, and showers of icy water randomly fall on the subject. I call it... The Monroe Box! Grampa: Uh huh. Sounds interesting. How much will it cost to build? Monroe: Oh, that's the beauty part! It's already built! I need the money to buy a baby to raise in the box until the age of thirty Grampa: What are you trying to prove? Monroe: Well, my theory is that the subject will be socially maladjusted and will harbor a deep resentment towards me. Grampa: Mm. Interesting.

— Everybody wants to get their hands on... "Old Money"

Man: With proper funding, I'm confident this little baby could destroy an area the size of New York City. Grampa: But I want to help people, not kill them! Man: Oh. Well, to be honest, the ray only has <evil> applications...

— Everybody wants to get their hands on... "Old Money"

Lisa: The people who deserve it are on the streets, and they're in the slums. They're little children who need more library books, and they're families who can't make ends meet. Of course, if you really wanted to, you could buy me a pony. Grampa: You're right! Lisa: I'll name her Princess, and I'll ride her every day!

— Lisa suggests how Grampa could spend his... "Old Money"

Homer: A double cheeseburger, onion rings, large strawberry shake, and for God's sakes, hurry! Voice: [unintelligible, thanks to the poor-quality microphone]

— The drive-through window of a Krusty Burger, "Old Money"

Grampa: I think Rudyard Kipling said it best: If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss, and lose, and start again at your beginnings, and never breathe a word about your loss, yours is the earth is everything that is in it, and, which is more, you'll be a man, my son. Homer: You'll be a bonehead!

— Trying to stop Grampa from risking it all at the casino, "Old Money"

Grampa: Put it all on 41. [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number. Roulette man: The wheel only goes to 36. Grampa: Okay, put it all on 36. [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number.

— Grampa at the casino, "Old Money"

Krusty: Okay kids, it's time to... Kids: Kroon Along With Krusty! Yeah! [singing] I want to go to Mt. Splashmore, Take me, take me, take me, take me now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Mt. Splashmore, take me there right now! Yay!

— "A rather shameless promotion", "Brush with Greatness"

Homer: [asleep on the couch, drool dripping out of his mouth] Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: No. Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: No. Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: No! [following Homer walking down the hallway] Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: No. Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: No. Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: No. [at the dinner table] Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: No. Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: No! [as Homer watches television with a beer in his hand] Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: No. Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: No. [as Homer takes a shower] Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: No!! Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: NO!!!! [as Homer tries to get some sleep] Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: NO!!!!!! Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: NO!!!!!!!! Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: NOOO!! Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: NOOOOO!!! [Marge pulls her pillow over her head] If I take you will you two SHUT UP AND QUIT BUGGING ME! Bart: Yeah! Lisa: Of course! Bart: Well? Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Homer: Yes! Bart+Lisa Thanks, dad!

— The persistence of memory? "Brush with Greatness"

Everybody stick together. We don't want to get separ... [turns around, everybody is gone] D'oh!

— Homer's instructions to the family at Mt. Splashmore, "Brush with Greatness"

Challenge the raging water of DEATH. Dare to discover what water is really made of! H2WHOA!

— Mt. Splashmore announcer, "Brush with Greatness"

Bart: Okay, Lis. Turn on the water works, babe. Lisa: [crying] Mommy! I want my mommy! [sob sob]

— How to get to the front of the line for a ride at Mt. Splashmore, "Brush with Greatness"

Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight at somewhere between four and five hundred pounds.

— Newscaster on Homer's getting stuck in the water slide, "Brush with Greatness"

Krusty: [surrounded by reporters] No, this slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated incident. Kent Brockman: I understand that Krusty... [lost in the reporters' yelling] Krusty! Was that exactly what you said just before the recall of tainted `Krusty Brand Mayonnaise'? Krusty: Now kids, you know that question is out of bounds. This interview is over.

— "Brush with Greatness"

Homer: All right, family. I want the truth. Don't pull any punches. [sweetly] Am I just a little bit overweight? [silence] [angrily] Well, am I? Lisa: Forgive us, Dad, but it takes time to properly sugar-coat a response.

— Ooh, and a split infinitive, too, "Brush with Greatness"

Oh! Four hundred and thirty-seven... Fifty pounds? Oh my God! Three hundred and... A hundred and fifty? OH! Ooh. OH! Ooh. Oh my God! It's two hundred and sixty pounds! I'm a big fat pig!

— The ups and downs of dieting with a shaky scale, "Brush with Greatness"

Marge: You do have big bones. Homer: Marge, no one gains thirty pounds of bones!

— Homer finds he weighs 260 pounds, "Brush with Greatness"

I am going on a diet. From this day forward, I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent! No donut too tasty! No pizza too laden with delicious toppings to prevent me from reaching my scientifically-determined ideal weight! As God as my witness, I'll always be hungry again!!

— Homer, upon realizing he needs to lose weight, "Brush with Greatness"

Bart: Hey, Homer, I found your weights. Homer: [admiring] Oh, the Glutemus Maximizer...

— Up in the attic, "Brush with Greatness"

Marge: Oh Homer, don't be jealous. I was a schoolgirl. The Beatles were very popular, and I had a crush on him. Homer: A likely story...

— Marge explains her collection of Ringo Starr paintings, "Brush with Greatness"

Oh, why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night?

— Homer, setting out on his diet, "Brush with Greatness"

Hey, I've been setting my drinks on these things!

— Homer admires a rice cake, "Brush with Greatness"

Hello! Hello! Hello, taste? Where are you?

— Homer bites into a rice cake, "Brush with Greatness"

Hey Mom, these paintings are good. While I know first-hand how fragile young talent is, I'd love to hear the particulars of how <your> gift was squashed.

— Lisa asking Marge to explain her schoolgirl painting talent, "Brush with Greatness"

Lisa: Maybe you could take a class at Springfield Community College. Marge: I think it's a very nice idea. Don't you, Homer? Homer: Do I have to do anything? Marge: No. Homer: Great! Fine! Go nuts!

— A loving, supportive husband, "Brush with Greatness"

I've just enrolled in the screenwriting class. I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu, pushed too far by convenience store bandits. I call it `Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey'.

— Apu, at Springfield Community College, "Brush with Greatness"

Marvelous!

— Prof. Lombardo sees a handyman paint the handrail, "Brush with Greatness"

Now, using the Lombardo method, you learn to see everyday objects as a simple grrouping of geometrical shapes. Heah, we see how two concentric circles, various trapezoids, ellipses, and yes! even a rrhombus! can create an adorable little bunny-rabbit. It's just that easy!

— Professor Lombardo's art lecture, "Brush with Greatness"

Bravo! Walk away from it. Now it belongs to the ages. [to next student] You! Not another stroke! Oh well, maybe one more, that's it! Perfect!

— Professor Lombardo's art lecture, "Brush with Greatness"

Marge, please, I don't take praise very well! [sees a sign painter] Oh! Another triumph!

— Prof. Lombardo, "Brush with Greatness"

Damnation, Smithers. This idea of yours to immortalize me in a portrait was as half-baked as your idea about me having children!

— Burns chews out Smithers, "Brush with Greatness"

Smithers: Mrs. Homer Simpson. Burns: Who? Smithers: She won first prize in the Springfield Art Fair, and she's the wife of an employee, she'll be easily intimidated. Burns: Excellent.

— Searching for an artist to do Burns' portrait, "Brush with Greatness"

Burns: Somebody up there likes me, Smithers. Smithers: Somebody down here likes you, too, sir. Burns: Shut up.

— Too much of a good thing? "Brush with Greatness"

Marge: That's wonderful, isn't it kids? Lisa: [to Bart] Pass the moo juice. Marge: Kids, remember what I told you about showing a little support? Lisa: Way to go, Dad! Bart: You look mahvelous! Maggie: [toasts Homer with her bottle of formula]

— Homer reaches his weight goal, "Brush with Greatness"

Donut man: Hey, what gives? These donuts are piling up. Worker: Heh. Yeah, Homer Simpson went on a diet. Donut man: Oh my God. And I just bought a boat! [slaps forehead]

— Homer's diet depresses the local economy, "Brush with Greatness"

Smithers: Have you ever painted the rich and powerful? Marge: Well, no. Just Ringo Starr. Burns: Ring-Go? Smithers: He was the drummer for a rock-and-roll combo called the Beatles, sir. Burns: Beatles, eh? Oh, yes. I seem to remember their off-key caterwauling on the old Sullivan show. What <was> Ed thinking?

— Burns commissions Marge to paint his portrait, "Brush with Greatness"

Smithers: Ah, sir. At least the world will see you as I always have. Burns: [trying to get him to shut up] Yes, yes, yes.

— Preparing for a portrait, "Brush with Greatness"

Marge: What were you like as a boy, Mr. Burns? Did you have a dog that you loved? Burns: Well... Daah! There's something on my leg. [waves his leg] Get it off! Get it off! [Maggie is clutching his leg] Ugh! Marge: [takes Maggie, holds her up] Mr. Burns, she's just a baby. Maggie: [suck suck suck] Burns: [still scared] Ooh!

— Trying to find Mr. Burns' `inner beauty', "Brush with Greatness"

Homer: All right, all right. Who took the funny pages? Smithers: [reading to Burns] So Ziggy goes to the repair shop, there's a sign on the doorbell reading `out of order'. Burns: Heh heh. Ah, Ziggy. Will you ever win?

— "Brush with Greatness"

Bart: Hey Mom, did he have those spots all over his body? Burns: [opens the door] I heard that.

— Marge accidentally bursts in on Burns (naked) in the bathroom, "Brush with Greatness"

Smithers: Would you feel more comfortable if I left, too, sir? Burns: Of course not, Smithers. You're. You're like a doctor.

— Marge catches Burns naked in the bathroom, "Brush with Greatness"

Burns: [off camera] Smithers! I want my tea! Marge: Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that? Smithers: Oh ho ho. Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, til I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss. He's my best friend, too. Burns: [sipping the tea] Bah! Too hot! [spills it on Smithers] Smithers: Right, sir. It's scalding me as we speak.

— "Brush with Greatness"

Dear Sally. In response to you letter of December the 12th 1966, me favourite colour is blue, and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot. You're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.

— Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, "Brush with Greatness"

Look! I'm using the original notches that came with my belt!

— Homer is proud of his weight loss, "Brush with Greatness"

If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator. [leaves, crying] --Homer reacts to Burns' insulting his weight, "Brush with Greatness"

Dear Marge. Thanks for the fab painting of Yours Truly. I hung it on me wall. You're quite an artist. In answer to your question, yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England. But we call French fries `chips'. Love, Ringo. PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.

— Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, "Brush with Greatness"

Friends, art lovers, security personnel...

— Burns begins his speech on the opening of the Burns wing of the art museum, "Brush with Greatness"

He's bad, but he'll die. So I like it.

— Art critic, on Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, "Brush with Greatness"

You know, I'm no art critic, but I know what I hate.

— Burns to Marge on her portrait of him, "Brush with Greatness"

Burns: Thanks for not making fun of my genitalia. Marge: [sotto voce] I thought I did.

— On Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, "Brush with Greatness"

1: Did you hear about Miss Hoover? She drank a bottle of drain cleaner by mistake. 2: Oh, I heard she fell down a well. [Principal Skinner comes in with Miss Hoover, who is crying] Lisa: My God, she's been dumped again...

— "Lisa's Substitute"

Miss Hoover: [shakily] Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives. Ralph: What's lyme disease? Pr. Skinner: I'll field that one. [goes to blackboard] Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called `ticks'. [writes `TICKS' on blackboard] When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood... Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh... Pr. Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain. Miss Hoover: The brain!? Oh, dear God... Class: Wow!

— "Lisa's Substitute"

[a scream is heard from the room above] Skinner: Bart Simpson! I know it's you!

— Principal Skinner fills in for Miss Hoover, "Lisa's Substitute"

Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in!

— Bart shows a videotape of kittens being born, "Lisa's Substitute"

Bergstrom: [enters the classroom, guns ablazin'] Skinner: Are you the substitute? Bergstrom: Yessir, yes I aim. Skinner: Are you insane?

— Principal Skinner doesn't quite get Bergstrom's unorthodox teaching technique, "Lisa's Substitute"

And, for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen. Big guys who were great shots and spent money freely.

— Mr. Bergstrom's lesson on the American West, "Lisa's Substitute"

Martin: As your president, I would demand a science-fiction library, featuring an ABC of the over[something] genre. Asimov, Bester, Clarke! Student: What abouy Ray Bradbury? Martin: [dismissing] I'm aware of his work... [orating] Thank you, and... Keep watching the skies...

— Martin's campaign speech for class president, "Lisa's Substitute"

Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it. Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.

— "Lisa's Substitute"

Martin: [campaign speech] In a sample taken in this very classroom, a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos! Bart: That's not enough! We demand MORE asbestos! [leads the class in a chant of `MORE ASBESTOS']

— Martin and Bart run for class president, "Lisa's Substitute"

Homer: Wow! You made the front page! Bart: Aw, Dad, it's just a popularity contest? Homer: JUST a popularity contest? Excuse me. What's more important than popularity?

— Bart runs for class president, "Lisa's Substitute"

I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.

— Homer is pleased that Bart's running for class president, "Lisa's Substitute"

He says there aren't any easy answers. I say, he's not looking hard enough!

— Bart's campaign speech against Martin, "Lisa's Substitute"

Martin's Poster: A Vote for Bart is a Vote for Anarchy! Bart's Poster: A Vote for Bart is a Vote for Anarchy! [scrawled]

— The campaign for class president, "Lisa's Substitute"

You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator.

— Lisa comments on Bart's campaign antics, "Lisa's Substitute"

Marge: Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow, and I think you should take her. Homer: Museum? Tomorrow? Oh, oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning on... [thinks to himself] Sleeping? Eating a big sandwich? Watching TV? Spending time with the boy! [speaks up] Spending time with the boy! The boy needs attention, Marge. Marge: Homer, I've been talking to Lisa, and I'm concerned about your relationship with her. Bart: Me too, Mom. I think you're drifting apart. Homer: Shut up, boy. Marge: Homer, please. Homer: Marge, you don't understand. I can't do it because... [thinking to himself] You're trapped. If you were smarter, you might think of something. But you're not, so you just might as well... [speaks up] All right, all right, I'll take her. [sotto voce] Lousy brain.

— "Lisa's Substitute"

Homer: Eh, what do you mean by `suggested donation'? Clerk: Pay any amount you wish, sir. Homer: And uh, what if I wish to pay ... zero? Clerk: That is up to you. Homer: Ooh, so it's up to me, is it? Clerk: Yes. Homer: I see. And you think that people are going to pay you $4.50 even though they don't have to? Just out of the goodness of their... [laughs] Well, anything you say! Good luck, lady, you're gonna need it!

— Homer sees the sign `Suggested donation: $4.50' at the museum entrance, "Lisa's Substitute"

Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man.

— Homer admires the mummy at the museum, "Lisa's Substitute"

She looks around and sees everybody else's dad with a good education, youthful looks, and a clean credit record, and thinks, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this fat old piece of..." [cries]

— Homer talks to Mr. Bergstrom on Lisa's need for a strong male role model, "Lisa's Substitute"

Mr. B: There is a wonderful girl's future at stake. Homer: Well, if she's so wonderful, give her an A! Mr. B: I <am> giving her an A. Homer: Great, but don't tell her it was a favor to me. Tell her she earned it. Mr. B: Mr. Simpson, she <did> earn it. Homer: You are smooth, I'll give you that.

— On Lisa's education, "Lisa's Substitute"

Marge: Why don't we invite Mr. Bergstrom to dinner? Lisa: Oh, Mom! That's wonderful! Can I find out his favorite dish and help you make it? Marge: Sure. Lisa: Can I wear your jewelry? Marge: Sure. Lisa: Can I get my ears pierced? Marge: No. Lisa: Can I dye my shoes pink? Marge: Yes. Lisa: Can I paint my nails? Marge: No. Lisa: Can we have wine? Marge: Yes. Lisa: Can I have wine? Marge: No. Lisa: Does Bart have to be there? Marge: Yes. Lisa: Can we do it this week?

— Setting the ground rules, "Lisa's Substitute"

Miss Hoover: You see, class, my lyme disease turned out to be [spells it on the board] psychosomatic. Ralph: Does that mean you're crazy? Student 2: No, that means she was faking it. Miss Hoover: No, actually, it was a little of both.

— Miss Hoover returns to teaching, "Lisa's Substitute"

Bart: I demand a recount! Ms. K: [counts the votes] One for Martin. Two for Martin. Would you like another recount? Bart: [realizing he's beat] No. Ms. K: [enjoying it] Well, I just want to make sure. One for Martin. Two for Martin. [chuckles]

— The Apathy Party loses again, "Lisa's Substitute"

That's the problem with being middle-class. Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more.

— Mr. Bergstrom's parting remarks, "Lisa's Substitute"

Bart didn't get one vote? Oh, this is the worst thing that could ever happen to us!

— Homer, on Bart failing to be elected class president, "Lisa's Substitute"

Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

— Homer tries to understand Lisa, "Lisa's Substitute"

Lisa: You, sir, are a baboon! Homer: [gasp] Me? Lisa: Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! Homer: I don't think you realize what you're saying... Lisa: BABOON! [leaves in tears] Bart: Whoa. Somebody was bound to say it someday, I just can't believe it was her.

— "Lisa's Substitute"

Mmm... Horse doovers...

— Homer helps himself to the party snacks, "War of the Simpsons"

Marge: [slaps Homer's hand] Homer! You promised. Homer: I promised I wouldn't eat? Never! You lie!

— Homer helps himself to the party snacks, "War of the Simpsons"

Homer: Never thrown a party? What about that big bash we had with all the champagne and musicians and holy men and everything? Marge: That was our wedding! Homer: Oh.

— pre-party discussion, "War of the Simpsons"

Marge: Oh, they're here. How does everything look? Homer: Yeah, how do I look? Marge: Do we have enough glasses? Homer: Do we have enough gag ice cubes? Marge: Homer, Homer, put a record on. Homer: What are all our friends' names again?

— pre-party panic, "War of the Simpsons"

And the house! You've done... [looks at the living room; nothing spectacular] Whatever!

— Ned tries to compliment the Simpsons, "War of the Simpsons"

Homer: Hey, Flanders, next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it! Ned: Au contraire, Simpson. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon, and just a little daberilla of creme de cassis for flavor. Homer: Really? Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being, and I sheem to be slurring my speech. You're right! Gimme another.

— Flanders demonstrates his mixological skills, "War of the Simpsons"

Marge: Homer, go easy on the alkyhol. Remember last year at the Winfields' party when you threw up in the laundry hamper? Homer: No. Marge: Mm.

— Homer starts getting tipsy, "War of the Simpsons"

Hey! You're Homer's sister-in-law, right? I remember you. But I don't remember you being so beau[burp]tiful. [she maces him] Oh, ow, hey, [burp] [cough] Is that a new kind of mace? It's really painful.

— Barney talks to Patty (or is it Selma?), "War of the Simpsons"

Dr. Hibert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach. Marge: Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibert. Thanks for coming. Dr. Hibert: Remember, I said `if'.

— The party's over, "War of the Simpsons" [And notice that she didn't roll him over! -- Chuck Anderson]

Bart: They're fighting in the car again. Lisa: That music always sends a chill down my spine.

— The kids watch Marge and Homer talk in the car, "War of the Simpsons"

I like to think that I am a patient, tolerant woman, and that there was no line you could cross that would make me stop loving you. But last night, you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it!

— Marge, "War of the Simpsons"

Marge: You are going to stay here and explain to Bart why you scarred him for life. Homer: No, I didn't! I ... Oh, you mean inside, don't you.

— "War of the Simpsons"

Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why. Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.

— Damage control, "War of the Simpsons"

Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me. Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will. Homer: Awww.... [pats Bart's head]

— Damage control, "War of the Simpsons"

We have some new pamphlets available in our church newsrack, including `Bible Bafflers', `Satan's Boners', `Good Grief: More Satan's Boners' and for the teens, `It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell'.

— Rev. Lovejoy, "War of the Simpsons"

Marge: Grampa, could you do something? Grampa: I can dress myself.

— Asking Grampa to babysit the kids, "War of the Simpsons"

Bart: Grampa, Mom was in such a hurry, she forgot to give you this. It's a list of the things Lisa and I can and can't do. Grampa: [reads] Eh heh. Uh huh. You're allowed to smoke cigars?

— Marge leaves the kids in Grampa's care, "War of the Simpsons"

Bart: After the supermarket, we'll go to the video store, grab a Krusty Burger, and head for the arcade. Lisa: Bart, Grampa's a kindly old man. He trusts us. Are you sure it's right to take advantage of him? Bart: Lis, in these crazy topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or wrong? But right now, my gut's telling me, "Bleed Gramps dry.

— Grampa babysits the kids, "War of the Simpsons"

A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours, Homer. It takes a whole weekend to do that!

— Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, "War of the Simpsons"

Rev.: We must bait our hooks with honesty. That way, a happy marriage, heh heh, won't be the one that got away. Homer: I see. [sotto voce] He also understands bowling expressions.

— Rev. Lovejoy welcomes Homer to his marriage encounter retreat, "War of the Simpsons"

Ah, three couples. Our best turnout yet!

— Rev. Lovejoy opens the marriage counseling retreat, "War of the Simpsons"

Ned: Sometimes Maude (God bless her), she underlines passages in <my> Bible because she can't find hers. Homer: [mutters] Oh. Lucky they don't keep guns in the house.

— At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, "War of the Simpsons"

Rev.: Marge is going to tell us about your faults, why don't you tell us about hers? Homer: Oh, she's perfect. Rev.: Come on, Homer, what are her faults? Homer: Well, sometimes it can be annoying.

— At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, "War of the Simpsons"

Marge: He chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes. Homer: [covers his face] Oh, it's all true! Rev.: Homer, don't interrupt. Homer: Sorry.

— At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, "War of the Simpsons"

Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate. Bart: Check. Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge. Bart: Check. Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chip. Bart: Yep. Grampa: Did your mom really write that shopping list? Lisa: Grampa, what a question!

— Shopping for groceries, "War of the Simpsons"

It's no use kidding myself. I'm having an ethical crisis.

— Lisa is concerned about how she and Bart are taking advantage of Grampa, "War of the Simpsons"

Grampa: [pours Lisa a cup of coffee] Sugar? Lisa: Yes, ten please. Bart: [shaking] Hey Grampa, top me off. Grampa: Are you sure your Ma let you kids drink coffee? Bart: [snaps] For the last time, yes!

— My breakfast with Grampa, "War of the Simpsons"

Helen: Now, this is a trust exercise. You fall backwards and rely on your spouse to catch you. Marge: Do I have to do this? Rev.: No. Even if your husband <were> here, I wouldn't recommend it.

— Marriage counseling retreat, "War of the Simpsons"

Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where I've ever told one partner that they were 100\% right. It's all his fault. I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame.

— Rev. Lovejoy, "War of the Simpsons"

Catching you will make me the most famous fisherman there is. Right up there with, the... uh... that bald guy on the cable fishing show.

— Homer plans to catch `General Sherman', "War of the Simpsons"

Holy mackerel!

— Homer lands a catfish, "War of the Simpsons"

Otto: Any chicks over eight? Bart: Not yet, but the afternoon is young.

— Bart throws a wild party, "War of the Simpsons"

Bart: Lisa, what's wrong? Lisa: Isn't it obvious? We've degraded ourselves and set back the children's rights movement for decades to come. Bart: You're great at a party, Lis. Really great.

— Lisa observes the wild party Bart is throwing, "War of the Simpsons"

Bart: Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before. Lisa: It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepresible youth.

— Is it contagious? "War of the Simpsons"

I gave up fame and breakfast for our marriage.

— Homer, after tossing `General Sherman' back into the lake, "War of the Simpsons"

I'll never trust another old person...

— Bart realizes Grampa duped him, "War of the Simpsons"

Clerk: Yep, `General Sherman'. They say he's five hundred pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me (and most people do), he's hundred years if he's a day. Customer: And uh no one's ever caught him? Clerk: Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel, cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red like the fires of Hell.

— The making of a legend, "War of the Simpsons"

Lisa: If we don't get to the convention soon, all the good comics will be gone! Bart: Ah, what do you care about good comics? All you every buy is Casper the Wimpy Ghost. Lisa: I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity. Bart: Well, you know what I think? I think Casper is the ghost of Richie Rich. [shows comics of Casper and Richie Rich] Lisa: Hey, they do look alike! Bart: Wonder how Richie died. Lisa: Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money really is and took his own life. Marge: Kids, could you lighten up a little?

— driving to the comics convention, "Three Men and Comic Book"

Too bad you didn't come dressed as a popular cartoon character.

— Lisa to Bart at the comics convention, "Three Men and a Comic Book" [a little meta-humor for your enjoyment]

Bart: Oooh, what's that? Otto: My very own idea for a comic book, little man. [unveils his conception of Busman, which bears a distinct resemblance to Otto despite some anatomically awesome features] It's about a dude who drives a school bus by day, but by night, fights vampires in a post-apocalyptic war zone! Bart: Cool!

— A Heroic Ideal, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Radioactive Man: Ah, these Laramie cigarettes give me the steady nerves that I need to combat evil. Fallout Boy: Gee willikers, Radioactive Man. Wished I was old enough to smoke Laramies. Radioactive Man: Sorry, Fallout Boy, not until you're sixteen.

— "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Do you think the ghost of Dirk Richter haunts the bordello where his bullet-riddled body was found?

— Bart asks a pointed question at a Q&A session at the comic convention, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Bart: Wow, Radioactive Man #1! I bet it's worth a million bucks! Dealer: It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for a hundred, because you remind me of me.

— A deal that's hard to beat, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Until this moment, I never knew why God put me on this earth, but now I know: To buy that comic book!

— Bart, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Bart: I need a hundred dollars for a comic book. Homer: A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew it, Michael Milangelo?

— "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Bart: I want this more than anything in the world. Homer: Well, T.S.!

— Bart wants $100 to buy a comic book, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Bart: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Bart: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Bart: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Bart: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Bart: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Bart: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Bart: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Bart: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Bart: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Bart: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Bart: Please, Dad. Homer: No! Now look, son, we all know that usually when you bug me like this, I give in, so I'm not mad at you for trying. (It shows you've been paying attention.) But we all know I'm not gonna give you a hundred dollars. Now, are you going to stop bugging me? Bart: No. Homer: Are you? Bart: No. Homer: Are you? Bart: No. Homer: Are you? Bart: No. Homer: Are you? Bart: No. Homer: Are you? Bart: No. Homer: Are you? Bart: No. Homer: Are you? Bart: No. Homer: Are you? Bart: No. Homer: Are you? Bart: No. Homer: Are you? Bart: OKAY!!!! Homer: Hoo hoo! I win! In your face! Yeah, how do you like them apples?

— "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Young Selma: We'll give you half our allowance. Young Patty: Uh huh. But you have to be our slave. Young Marge: Oh, okay. Young Selma: This gives us a lot more free time. Young Patty: Uh huh. Let's take up smoking.

— Marge wants to buy a light-bulb toy oven, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer. Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. Your already taking care of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful. Lisa: She means <you> should get a job, stupid!

— Bart needs $100 to buy a comic book, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Bart: [Daniel Stern's voice, a la Wonder Years] Me? Get a job? Were they serious? I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away, forever. Homer: Bart! What are you staring at? Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we... Homer: Bart! Stop it! Bart: Sorry.

— "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Bart: Ching-ching-ching! [smashes a souvenir coin collection he received from Patty and Selma] [goes to the bank] Americanize this, my good man. Clerk: Okay. Bart: All those coins were only worth three lousy cents? Clerk: Let the good times roll!

— Bart is desperate for money, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Bart: There you go, Apu. Apu: Ah, very good. Would you like the deposit defrayed from the cost of a jumbo cherry squishy? Bart: No, not today, I need the dime. Apu: Oh, it is good to see you are learning a trade.

— Young entrepeneurship, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Barney: Hey, Bart, can you give me one on credit? I'm a little short this week. Bart: Beat it.

— No harm in trying, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Cop: Hey, uh, do you have liquor license here, young fella? Bart: Uh, my dog ate it.

— Bart's one-time lemonade stand is now a beer stand, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Dried apricots? Almond paste? Sauerkraut candy!

— Mrs. Quick offers Bart some sweets, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

[Asa pulls the pin, ready to throw the grenade] This one's for you, Kaiser Bill. Special delivery from Uncle Sam and all the boys in D company. Yeah... Johnny, Harris, Brooklyn Bob. And Reggie. Yeah, even Reggie. He ain't so stuck up once you get to know hi... [*** KABOOM ***]

— And the rest is history, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Woman: Jack, please, I'm married. Jack: [embraces her] Ha. Must be what's turning me on. [hot stuff ensues] Mrs.Q: Filthy! But genuinely arousing.

— Mrs. Quick watches a smarmy soap, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms.

— Bart, Romancing the Comic, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

No, no, not the iodine. Burn the germs off with a torch. Amputate my arm, but not the .... AAAAAAAAAAAAA!

— Bart is treated by Mrs. Quick, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Mrs. Quick: Bart! You didn't say `Thank you'. Bart: Listen Lady, I can leave without screaming, and I can leave without saying a bad word, but there is no way that I am saying `Thank you'. Mrs. Quick: You're welcome!

— Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Homer: Hey, when I was your age, fifty cents was a lot of money. Bart: Really? Homer: Naah.

— Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps. Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was <twice> your age before I figured that out.

— Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Martin: Can you let me have it for forty dollars? Dealer: Forty bucks? You made me get off my stool for that? Martin: It's all I got. I sold seeds. I visited my aunt in the nursing home. I fished a dime out of the sewer, for God's sake! Dealer: No way. [notices Bart] What do you want? Bart: Can I have it for thirty-five?

— Unsuccessful haggling, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Bart: Look pal, we got a hundred bucks and we'd like to buy Radioactive Man #1. So why don't you just waddle over there and get it? Dealer: Yes, sir.

— Bart in charge, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Martin: I would've thought that being hit by an atomic bomb would've killed him. Bart: Now you know better.

— The gang read the original `Radioactive Man' comic, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Martin: How about this, guys? Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays, Millhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays, and yours truly will take it Wednesdays and Saturdays. Bart: Perfect! Millhouse: Wait a minute! What about Sundays? Bart: [suspiciously] Yeah, what <about> Sundays? Martin: Well, Sunday possession will be determined by a random number generator. I will take the digits 1 through 3, Millhouse will have 4 through 6, and Bart will have 7 through 9. Bart: Perfect! Millhouse: Wait a minute! What about 0? Bart: [suspiciously] Yeah, what <about> 0? Millhouse: Yeah. Martin: Well, in the unlikely event of a 0, possession will be determined by Rock Scissors Paper competition, best 3 out of 5. How's that? Bart and : Oh, okay. Millhouse: Yeah, all right.

— An Equitable Split, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Bart: Hey, Martin, tell him what we do with squealers. Martin: I don't know. Is it worse than what you do with people who have to go to the bathroom?

— Crime and Punishment, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

I've got some cocoa on the stove. Who wants imitation marshmallows?

— Marge, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Bart: We worked so hard, and now it's all gone. We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share. Millhouse: What's your point? Bart: Nothing. Just kind of ticks me off.

— The moral of the story, "Three Men and a Comic Book"

Diamond Joe Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do! [sign lights up, "Relax. Everything is fine."] Crowd: Aah. [applause] [sign lights up, "Minor leak. Roll up window."] Crowd: Ooh. [mild applause] [sign lights up, "Meltdown. Flee city."] Crowd: [scattered applause] [sign lights up, "Core explosion. Repent sins."] Crowd: [stunned silence] Homer: Hee hee. Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any power to light that sign!

— Homer jokes with his coworkers about the Nuclear Disaster Warning Sign, "Blood Feud"

No quack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me. As long as there's an ounce of strength left in me, I... [passes out]

— Monty Burns collapses from hypohemia, "Blood Feud"

Smithers, don't feel so bad. After all, that kidney you donated to me really hit the spot.

— Burns, consoling Smithers, who is unable to give the blood necessary to save his life, "Blood Feud"

I can't believe you guys. There's a human being out there with millions of dollars who needs our help. And you don't want to cash in?

— Homer tries to take the moral high ground when none of his coworkers wants to donate blood to save Mr. Burns, "Blood Feu

[showing Maggie flashcards] Maggie, look! What's that? Lemur. [slowly] Le-mur. [next card] Zebu. [slowly] Ze-bu.

— Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, "Blood Feud"

Marge: [watching Lisa show Maggie flashcards] What's a zebu? Lisa: It's like an ox, only it has a hump and a dewlap. [indicating to Maggie] [sweetly] Hump, and a dewlap! Hump and dewlap!

— Lisa shows Maggie animal flashcards, "Blood Feud"

Homer: Don't you know the story of Hercules and the lion? Bart: Is it a Bible story? Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the village people tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough! So, they got Hercules. And Hercules used his mighty strength, and Bingo! Anyway, the moral is, the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches. Bart: How did a lion get rich? Homer: It was the olden days! Bart: Oh.

— "Blood Feud"

Burns: [weakly] Smithers, I'm not going to make it. I want to dictate my epitaph. Smithers: [choked with tears] Go ahead. Burns: Charles Montgomery Burns. ... American... Patriot... American... Patriot... [gaining energy] Master of the atom. ... Scourge of the despot! [really on a roll] Oh, tyrant! Hear his mighty name, and quake! [gets up] Smithers, I'm back!

— Burns receives a badly-needed transfusion, "Blood Feud"

Burns: Oh, top of the morning to ye! Why, look who's here! It's ... good old... You! Man: Hi, Mr. Burns. Burns: Oh, hey there, Mr. uh... Brown-Shoes! How about that .. local sports team!

— Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, "Blood Feud"

Smithers, I'm back in the pink! Full of pith and vinegar!

— Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, "Blood Feud"

You know, it's funny, Smithers. I tried every tincture and poultice and tonic and patent medicine there is, and all I really needed was the blood of a young boy.

— Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, "Blood Feud"

Burns: By the way, what was the lad's name? Smithers: Uh, Bart Simpson, sir. Burns: Who? Smithers: He's the son of Homer Simpson, sir. One of your stiffs in sector 7-G.

— Burns leans who donated the blood to save his life, `Blood Feud"

Bill. [tosses into wastebasket] Bill. [tosses into wastebasket] Summons. [tosses into wastebasket] Bill. [tosses into wastebasket]

— Homer goes through the daily mail, "Blood Feud"

Homer: Marge, Lisa, Maggie, let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors can see. Lisa, dim the lights. No, turn on more lights. Oh, do something! Lisa: Yes, Dad. [turns on the sprinkler]

— Homer prepares to open the letter from Mr. Burns, "Blood Feud"

Some way to show your gratitude! No gold, no diamonds, no rubies, not even a lousy card! Wait a minute... there <was> a card...

— Homer is mad at Mr. Burns, whose only expression of gratitude was a thank-you card, "Blood Feud"

Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded. You do them because a fellow human being needs a helping hand. Homer: Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but [condescendingly] you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats. Bart: Yeah, Mom, we got hosed.

— When Bart saves Mr. Burns' life with his donated blood, "Blood Feud"

Homer: Bart! Take a letter! Dear Mr. Burns... [heavy sarcasm] I'm so `glad' you enjoyed my son's blood. And your `card' was `just great'. In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You.. Stink! Could you read that last part back to me? Bart: `You stink!' Homer: Heh heh heh. Good. `You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy, with bony girl-arms, and you smell like...' Bart: An elephant's butt? Homer: Hee hee. `An elephant's butt.'

— Homer writes a nasty letter to his boss, "Blood Feud"

I'm with you, Homer! Fight the Power!

— Barney provides encouragement as Homer kicks the mailbox, "Blood Feud"

Homer: I'll get our letter so wet, the ink will run and no one will be able to read it! Bart: Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there? Homer: So a few people won't get a few letters, boo hoo! You know the kind of letters people write. "Dear somebody you've never heard of, How is so-and-so? Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. Yours truly, some bozo." Big loss.

— On watering the mail to prevent a letter from being mailed, "Blood Feud"

Homer: I guess it wouldn't do any good to run 'cause you're a mail-lady and you know my name and address and everything, huh? Postal Worker: That's right. Homer: Well.. I'm still going to run. [runs away]

— Homer is caught tampering with a mailbox, "Blood Feud"

Mr. Roman: First question. Have you slept with anyone famous? Burns: Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I... [catches himself] What in blazes!

— Burns hires a ghost writer, "Blood Feud"

Homer: [trying to disguise his voice] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name? Homer: [brief pause] I don't know. [outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.

— Trying to intercept a letter, "Blood Feud"

Lisa: Ooh, look, Maggie! What is that? Dodecahedron! Dodecahedron! Homer: Lisa, I don't know what you're doing, but it's very strange, and your father is trying to worry.

— Lisa shows Maggie some very peculiar flashcards, "Blood Feud"

Burns: Who are you? Homer: [thinks] Don't tell him. Give him a fake name. [aloud] Homer Simpson. [thinks] D'oh!

— Thinking fast on your feet, "Blood Feud"

I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.

— Burns plans his next move, "Blood Feud"

Bart: You always told me I was going to destroy the family. But I never believed it. Lisa: That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it. We were just trying to scare you.

— Bart destroys the family, "Blood Feud"

In closing, gentle reader, I'd like to thank you. `What's that?' you say? Me thanking you? No, it's not a misprint, for you see, I enjoyed writing this book as much as you enjoyed reading it. The End.

— Burns finishes his book, "Blood Feud"

Moe: [answers the phone] Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink. Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch. Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? [snickers from the patrons] [to phone] Listen, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick.

— Another phone prank, "Blood Feud"

Moe: What's the matter, Homer? You're not your normal effervescent self. Homer: I got my problems, Moe. Give me another one. Moe: Homer, hey. You should not drink to forget your problems. Barney: Yeah. You should only drink to enhance your social skills. [belch]

— But does it work? "Blood Feud"

We'll get the Simpsons a present. An extravagant present. A mad, unthinkable, utterly impossible present! A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous present!

— Monty Burns meets Dr. Seuss? "Blood Feud"

Burns: Hello, young fellow. I haven't forgotten you. Here. Bart: Wow, a crowbar! Lisa: It's to open the crate, stupid.

— Burns gives the Simpsons a gift, "Blood Feud"

Maggie: [holds up an `Aztec' flashcard] Lisa: No, Maggie. Not Aztec, Olmec. [slowly] Ol-mec. Maggie: [falls down]

— Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, "Blood Feud"