Movie Trivia

Dr. H: This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman. This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward. Marge: Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence. Dr. H: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment. Homer: Amen!

— Dr. Hibert shows Bart the injury ward, "Bart the Daredevil"

Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever find it.

— Otto, on Springfield Gorge, "Bart the Daredevil"

Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard. Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something? Bart: What? Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!!

— "Bart the Daredevil"

Otto: [humming into the bus microphone] Bart: Hey, Otto, can I use that microphone? Otto: Sorry, Bart-dude, it's for emergencies only.

— on the bus, "Bart the Daredevil"

Murdoch: [tries to give a thumbs-up sign] Doc, I heard a snap. Dr. Hibert: Hm. I'm afraid the bone is broken. Well, that's all of them!

— in the hospital, "Bart the Daredevil"

Now let me start by saying... Good for you son! It's always good to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy, and maybe they're right. But the fact of the matter is: Bones heal. Chicks dig scars. And the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!

— Captain Lance Murdoch, upon hearing that Bart wants to do a dangerous stunt, "Bart the Daredevil"

I'm sorry Bart. But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra attention I'd receive, I'd miss you.

— Lisa, "Bart the Daredevil"

Homer: He's done it, Marge; there's nothing we can do. He's as good as dead! [bawls] Marge: You're his father, you've got to try and reason with him. Homer: Oh, that never works. He's a goner!

— Bart wants to jump Springfield Gorge on a skateboard, "Bart the Daredevil"

Homer: You were on your way to jump the gorge, weren't you! Bart: Maybe.

— Bart and the 9th commandment? "Bart the Daredevil"

Bart, this isn't one of those phony-baloney promises I don't expect you to keep!

— Homer, having a heart-to-heart with Bart, "Bart the Daredevil"

Why that little liar! I should have... And I was going to play pickle with him.

— Homer, finding Bart's room empty, "Bart the Daredevil" (You need three people to play `pickle'.)

I tried ordering you, I tried punishing you, and God help me, I even tried reasoning with you.

— Homer, "Bart the Daredevil"

You know boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right...

— Homer, slipping away on a skateboard, "Bart the Daredevil"

You think you've got guts. Try raising my kids.

— Homer to Murdoch, "Bart the Daredevil"

Lisa: Mmph. [as Bart muffles her with a cushion] Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister! Bart: She took my glue! Lisa: It's not yours, Bart. This is family glue! Homer: Stop it, you two. This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then <no one> will have any glue to glue with.

— "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it. Bart: Oh yeah? Prove it. Lisa: [hands him the glue] Here. Bart: Hey man, I don't want your stupid glue.

— "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Announcer 1: Uh oh, here comes our friend, Bullwinkle J. Moose. Homer: Heh heh heh, Bullwinkle's antler sprung a leak. Announcer 1: Uh oh, looks like ol' Bullwinkle's kinda gotten a taste of his own medicine. Ha ha. Announcer 2: He certainly does, Bill. Announcer 1: Ha ha. Wait, what did... Did what I say make sense? Announcer 2: Well, no, not really Bill. Announcer 1: Boy, now I know how the pilgrims felt. Announcer 2: What are you talking about, Bill?

— Watching the Thanksgiving Day parade, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Son, this is a tradition. If they start building a balloon for every flash-in-the-pan cartoon character, you'll turn the parade into a FARCE. [the Bart Simpson balloon floats past]

— Homer watches the Thanksgiving Day parade with Bart, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving" [a little meta-humor for your enjoyment]

It's broken, Mom. ... Mom, it's broken. ... [sings] Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en....

— Bart `helps out' in the kitchen, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

See Maggie, those silver-and-blue guys are the Dallas Cowboys. They're Daddy's favorite team. And he wants them to lose by less than five and a half points. Understand?

— Homer, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Looks like they'll be feeding him Thanksgiving dinner through a tube.

— Sportscaster on the quarterback's recent injury, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Announcer: And now, get set for our fabulous halftime show, featuring the well-groomed young go-getters of `Hooray for Everything! Homer: Oh, I love those kids. They've got such a great attitude! Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, `Hooray for Everything' invites you to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth, the Western Hemisphere! The dancingest hemisphere of all!

— Football halftime show, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Now, before we sit down to our delicious turkey puree, I have some, uh, happy news. The following people have relatives who wished they could be here today...

— At the rest home, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

I have laryngitis. It hurts to talk. So I'll just say one thing... You never do anything right.

— Mrs. Bouvier, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Thank you! You're super! Be good to each other!

— `Hoorary for Everything' entertains during the football halftime show, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

In the Silverdome, now ablaze with flashbulbs, as `Hooray for Everything' leaves the field! Of course, a stadium is much too big for flash pictures to work, but nobody seems to care!

— Announcer for the halftime show, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Holy moley! That's the biggest... one of those I ever saw!

— Homer appreciates Lisa's Thanksgiving dinner table centerpiece, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Homer: All right Bart, that's it! Go to your room! Now! Bart: Okay, I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go, and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes.

— "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family has experienced. Well, not today, but... You saw what happened! Oh, Lord, be honest! Are we the most pathetic family in the universe or what!

— Homer says grace at Thanksgiving dinner, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Lisa: Mom, I poured my heart into that centerpiece! [which Bart destroyed] Things like that <always> happen in this family. Marge: I noticed that, too.

— "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

I saw the best meals of my generation destroyed by the madness of my brother. My soul carved in slices by spikey-haired demons.

— `Howl of the Unappreciated' by Lisa Simpson, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Cool! The wrong side of the tracks!

— Bart crosses the railroad tracks, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Twelve bucks! Hey, I can bleed!

— Bart observes he can make $12 by giving blood, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Nurse: Hey, you've gotta be eighteen to sell your blood. Let's see some ID. Bart: Here ya go, doll-face. Nurse: Okay, Homer, just relax. Bart: Ow!

— Bart gives blood to make some money, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing: I'm sorry I came.

— Mrs. Bouvier makes a rare comment, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Grampa: Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over anything. It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer? Homer: [sycophantically] Yes, Dad.

— "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Twelve bucks and a free cookie! What a country! [passes out]

— Bart gives blood, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

All right! Twelve big ones and free grub to boot. Viva Skid Row!

— Bart learns about life on the wrong side of the tracks, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Kent: Oh, we have lots of names for these people. Bums, deadbeats, losers, scums of the earth. We'd like to sweep these people into the gutter, or if they're already in the gutter, to some other out-of-the-way place. Oh, we have our reasons. They're depressing, they wear ragged clothes, they're [makes quotation sign with fingers] "crazy", they smell bad. Guy: Hey, listen, man. Kent: [whispers] Wait, I'm going somewhere with this.

— Kent Brockman's Emmy-winning news report from a soup kitchen, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Marge: Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she's written. Grampa: Sounds interesting. Homer: Oh, okay. Lisa: Ahem. `Howl of the Unappreciated'. By Lisa Simpson. Ahem. `I saw the best meals...' [Bart appears on television] Grampa: Gasp. It's Bart! Homer: What show is <this>?

— Bart manages to upstage Lisa from miles away, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Kent: And how long have you been on the streets? Bart: Going on five years, Kent. Kent: Ah. Son, your family might be watching. Is there anything you'd like to say to them? Bart: Yes there is, Kent. Ha ha! I didn't apologize!

— Bart is interviewed for a television documentary, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one!

— Homer, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

If I'm not back at the home by nine they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance!

— Grampa rushes back to the rest home, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Marge: Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened, but we can't blame ourselves. Homer: We can and will! Marge: Children need discipline. You can ask any syndicated advice columnist.

— Worrying about Bart, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Marge: Now we can blame him for everything! Homer: It's your fault I'm bald! Bart: [meekly] I'm sorry. Grampa: It's your fault I'm old! Bart: I'm sorry! Maggie: It's your fault I can't talk! Bart: I'm sorry! Uncle Sam: It's your fault America has lost its way! Bart: I'm sorry! All: It's all your fault! It's all your fault! It's all your fault!

— Bart's dream, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Whoa! My whiffle balls! My frisbees! My water rockets! I've hit the jackpot!

— Bart climbs to the roof, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Dear Log: My brother is still missing, and maybe it's my fault because I failed to take his abuse with good humor. I miss him so much already that I don't... know... [sobs]

— Lisa writes in her diary, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Lisa: Bart, what are you doing up here? Everybody's worried! Bart: Really? Did they cry? Lisa: Yes. Bart: Whoa! Bulls-eye!

— Lisa joins Bart on the roof after his brief career as a runaway, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

I don't know! I don't know why I did it! I don't know why I enjoyed it! And I don't know why I'll do it again!

— Bart doesn't apologize to Lisa, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

You know, Marge? We're great parents!

— Homer watches Bart apologize to Lisa on the roof, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

Homer: Oh Lord, on this blessed day, we thank Thee for giving our family one more crack at togetherness. All: Amen.

— Homer says grace at the second Thanksgiving dinner, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"

One o'clock. Still just a potato.

— Bart's science project, "Dead Putting Society"

There's nothing wrong with crabgrass. It just has a bad name, that's all. Everyone would love it if it had a cute name like, eh, `elfgrass'.

— Homer defending crabgrass against Flanders, "Dead Putting Society"

Homer: Marge, Where's the Duff!?! Marge: Ohh, uh, we're all out, Homer. Homer: D'oh! Marge: Would you like some fruit juice? Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!!

— Homer needs refreshment while mowing the lawn, "Dead Putting Society"

Ned: Here's a tasty little lager that came all the way from Holland. Homer: Well, buggers can't be choosy.

— "Dead Putting Society"

Homer: All right, knock it off! Ned: Knock what off, Simpson? Homer: You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from <farther> away, than my beer, you and your son like each other, and your wife's <butt>... Ned: [gasp!] Homed: ... is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick! Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand. Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet! [finishes his beer, then leaves] [returns] One for the road. [takes a club sandwich and leaves]

— a friendly visit to the Flanders rumpus room, "Dead Putting Society"

Homer: Lousy bragging know-it-all showoff... Marge: What exactly did he say? Homer: Get this. He said, uh, he said... Well, it wasn't so much what he said; it was how he said it. Marge: Well, how did he say it? Homer: Well, he... Marge: Was he angry? Homer: No. Marge: Was he rude? Homer: Okay, okay, it wasn't how he said it, either.

— It's the thought that counts, "Dead Putting Society"

I drag him over here, have a few beers... You can't blame him for erupting.

— Ned Flanders, "Dead Putting Society"

Mrs. Lovejoy: Honey, wake up. Honey, it sounds like Ned Flanders is having some sort of crisis. Rev. Lovejoy: Oh. Probably stepped on a worm...

— Flanders calls in the middle of the night, "Dead Putting Society"

Ned: I feel like I violated Matthew 19:19. Rev.L: Huh? Ned: Love thy neighbor. Rev.L: Oh, Matthew <nineteen> nineteen, yeah, right, right.

— "Dead Putting Society"

Homer: [reading Ned's letter] "You are my brother." Homer+Lisa+Bart: [giggle] Homer: "I love you." Homer+Lisa+Bart: [laugh] Homer: "And yet, I feel a great sadness..." [tries to stifle a giggle] "... in my bosom." Homer+Lisa+Bart: [finally lose it and laugh uproariously]

— Reading Ned's letter of apology, "Dead Putting Society"

Read the `bosom' part again, Dad!

— Lisa, "Dead Putting Society"

Bosom.

— Bart, "Dead Putting Society"

Mm. I <was> going to wash my hair...

— Marge, after Homer suggests the family go miniature golfing, "Dead Putting Society"

Lisa: And I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll bring home a brand new protractor. Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.

— Homer suggests the family go miniature golfing, "Dead Putting Society"

Play it where it lays, Homer.

— Bart after Homer botches a putt, "Dead Putting Society"

Give up homeboy, there's a six stroke limit.

— Bart after Homer botches a putt, "Dead Putting Society"

Todd: Hi Bart! Bart: Get bent.

— friendly greetings at the miniature golf course, "Dead Putting Society"

Ned: Oh say, you look like you were having a little trouble there. Homer: That shot's impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!

— at the miniature golf course, "Dead Putting Society"

Bart: Final score. Bart, forty-one. Homer... let's see... six plus six plus six plus six plus six plus... Homer: Never mind!

— leaving the miniature golf course, "Dead Putting Society"

Todd: Wow! First prize fifty dollars! Bart: Wow! Free balloons for everyone who enters!

— A matter of perspective, "Dead Putting Society"

Ned: So, my little Bartly, thinking of entering the tournament? Homer: Yeah, he's entering. And what's more, he's going to win, aren't you, boy? Bart: I guess it's possible... Ned: Hey hey, I like that confidence.

— "Dead Putting Society"

Oh yeah? Well I think the fruit of my loins can beat the fruit of your loins any day of the week! C'mon boy!

— Homer tells off Flanders, "Dead Putting Society"

Bart: But Dad! I've never won anything in my life! Homer: Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is <not> okay to lose!

— The ghost of Vince Lombardi? "Dead Putting Society"

Keep your head down, follow through. [Bart putts and misses] Okay, that didn't work. This time, move your head and don't follow through.

— Homer giving putting advice, "Dead Putting Society"

Homer: What are you doing! That putter is to you what a baseball bat is to a baseball player! What a violin is... to the... the guy that... the violin guy! Now c'mon! Give your putter a name. Bart: What? Homer: C'mon, give it a name. Bart: Mister Putter. Homer: D'oh.. You wanna try a little harder son? C'mon give it a girl's name. Bart: Mom. Homer: Your putter's name is Charlene! Bart: Why? Homer: It just is, that's why! Now this, is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders. Every day, I want you to spend fifteen minutes staring at it. And concentrating on how much you hate him, and how glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him! Bart: Who's Charlene? Homer: [raises the putter, about to wallop Bart with it] I'll show you who Charlene is! Now start hating! Bart: Grrrrrrrr... rrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! [loses enthusiasm]

— a pep talk, "Dead Putting Society"

Marge: Homer, I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind. Homer: And?

— "Dead Putting Society"

Marge: I'm worried that you're making too big a deal of this silly little kiddie golf tournament. Homer: But Marge, but this is our big chance to show up the Flandereses. [sic] Marge: Well, I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that? Homer: Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

— Marge concerned over Homer's tactics, "Dead Putting Society"

Bart: Hey Lis, whaddya call those guys in chess that don't matter. Lisa: Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're referring to a pawn. Bart: Right. I am a pawn. Lisa: Hmm... I know. It's times like this that I'm thankful Dad has little to no interest in almost everything I do. Bart, I think I can help you.

— Lisa offers some sisterly advice, "Dead Putting Society"

Golf... `Anecdotes'... `Eisenhower and'... `fishing'... `humor'... `Japanese obsession with'... Ah, here it is... `Putting'.

— Lisa, looking through card catalog under `Golf', "Dead Putting Society"

Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books! Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them. Bart: Oh... heh, heh... gotcha! [wink]

— in the library, "Dead Putting Society"

Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind. Bart: Okay. Lisa: Embrace nothingness. Bart: You got it. Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone. Bart: Done. Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm saying! Bart: True. Lisa: Well, it's very annoying! Bart: I'll bet.

— "Dead Putting Society"

Lisa: What is the sound of one hand clapping? Bart: Piece of cake. [claps with one hand] Lisa: No, Bart, it's a 3000-year-old riddle with no anwer. It's supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought. Bart: No answer? Lisa, listen up! [claps with one hand]

— Solving unsolved problems, "Dead Putting Society"

Lisa: If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a sound? Bart: Absolutely! [makes the sound of a tree falling] Lisa: But Bart, how can sound exist if there's no one there to hear it. Bart: Wooooooo... Lisa: [hands Bart his putter] It is time.

— Bart finally gets it, "Dead Putting Society"

Lisa: The basis of this game seems to be simple geometry. All you have to do is hit the ball... here. [Tap] [Clunk-clunk] [Clunk-clunk] [Duh-dunk] Bart: I can't believe it. You actually found a practical use for geometry!

— at the miniature golf course, "Dead Putting Society"

Ned: May the best man win. Homer: "May the best man win." The mating call of the loser!

— From one who should know, "Dead Putting Society"

Simpson, you're starting to annoy me.

— Ned Flanders, "Dead Putting Society"

Homer: Keep your left arm straight, Bart! Rotate your shoulders! Lisa+Bart: Daaaad! Homer: Look son, all I'm asking is that you try. Bart: Ok, I'll try. Homer: D'oh! Anybody can try! I want you to <win>!

— "Dead Putting Society"

Heh heh heh. That crazy Marmaduke.

— Homer reads the morning paper, "Dead Putting Society"

Lisa: Eighth hole. Bart: Aim for the octopus, third tentacle. Lisa: Twelfth hole. Bart: Bank it off the pink tombstone. Lisa: Nirvanha. Bart: A state of bliss obtained through the extinction of the self.

— pre-game drills, "Dead Putting Society"

Lisa: Oats are what a champion thoroughbred eats before he or she wins the Kentucky Derby. Homer: Newsflash, Lisa, Bart is not a horse!

— the breakfast table the day of the contest, "Dead Putting Society"

Hello everybody, and welcome to the finale of what has already been a stirring afternoon of miniature golf. The cream has risen. The wheat has bid farewell to the chaff. And now, we approach the championship match where but two warriors remain: The heretofore unknown Bart Simpson and Todd Flanders, one of the most skilled ten-year-olds to ever take back the blade.

— K.B.B.L. announcer, "Dead Putting Society"

Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound. Here goes. I believe in you. Bart: Thanks, man.

— pre-game pep talk, "Dead Putting Society"

Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't <both> win.

— Homer, "Dead Putting Society"

Homer: This time tomorrow, you'll be wearing high heels! Ned: Nope, <you> will. Homer: 'Fraid not. Ned: 'Fraid so! Homer: 'Fraid not. Ned: 'Fraid so! Homer: 'Fraid not infinity! Ned: 'Fraid so infinity plus one! Homer: D'oh!

— "Dead Putting Society"

If one looks up courage in the Oxford English Dictionary, one might very well come upon a photo of these two gladiators. They approach the final hole in the shadow of the Great Emancipator, deadlocked at eight strokes on the happy side of par. Soon, one man will emerge triumphant; he will drink naught but champagne, while his opponent tastes bitter defeat in this oft cruel game.

— "Dead Putting Society"

Homer: Remember what Vince Lombardi said: If you lose you're out of the family! Marge: Homer! [slap] Homer: Ow.

— words of encouragement during the golf match, "Dead Putting Society"

Bart: This is pretty tense, isn't it, Todd. Todd: Yeah, my knees are shaking, I got butterflies in my stomach... But I guess this builds character. Bart: Who wants to build character? Let's quit! Todd: Okay.

— "Dead Putting Society"

This is the most stirring display of gallantry and sportsmanship since Mountbatten gave India back to the Punjabs.

— Tearful announcer, "Dead Putting Society"

Mm. My best dress...

— Marge watches Homer mow the lawn in her Sunday dress, "Dead Putting Society"

Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?

— Lisa watching Homer mow the lawn in Marge's dress, "Dead Putting Society"

Marge: [making pork chops] A dash of rosemary, a smidgen of thyme, a pinch of marjoram... Homer: You know, Marge, you make the best pork chops in the whole world. Marge: Oh, Homer, they're nothing special. The extra ingredient is care. [continues her work] A sprinkle of chervil, a teaspoon of tumeric, and a whisper of MSG.

— How much care am I supposed to add? "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Homer: Marge, I'm going to build you a spice rack. Marge: Oh, you don't have to go to all that trouble just for me. Homer: It's no trouble! I got a whole <garage> of tools I never use!

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Ah, here it is. The complete handyman's bookshelf. Volume 1: Spice racks.

— Homer sets to work to build a spice rack, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Bart: Hey Dad, can you move your head? Homer: No, I can't. It's broken...

— Is it in a cast? "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Maggie: [picks up a pencil] [wacko `Psycho' music plays] Homer: Aaaaaaaaagh! Marge: [picks up Maggie] No, Maggie, bad baby! Homer: Keep her away from me, Marge! She's got that crazy look in her eyes again!

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Marge: You won't be watching these cartoons any more. Ever. Lisa: But Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots. Bart: Really? What kind of robots?

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ... I told you! My baby beat me up! ... No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. ... [sotto voce] Wise guy.

— Homer phones in sick after, well, you know, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Marge: What kind of warped human being would find that funny? Homer: [laughs] Marge: Mm...

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Dear purveyors of senseless violence: I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way. Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson.

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Myers: Take a letter, Miss White. Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy and Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection. In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big a screwball she is, so let me close by saying... Marge: [reading the letter] And the horse I rode in on? I'll show them what one screwball can do!

— A letter from the CEO, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Marge: [through a megaphone] How many of you were hit on the heads with mallets last week? [crowd murmurs] [man with head bandaged raises his hand] [another man with head bandaged raises his hand] [and a whole bunch more]

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Homer: There's peas in my fruit cobbler! Lisa: There's peas <everywhere>!

— The infamous TV dinners, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

D'oh! Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.

— Homer, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Krusty: Hi Kids! [laughs] Guess what, Sideshow Mel! Mel: [slide whistle three times] Krusty: It's time for Itchy and Scratchy! Kids: [really, parents] Boo! Krusty: Hey, hey, settle down boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend, Corporal Punishment, again.

— Krusty faces Kancellation, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Marge: What do we want? Crowd: Less and less violence in children's programming! Marge: When do we want it? Crowd: Now!

— We're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it any more, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Meyers: That screwball Marge Simpson, we've got to stop her. But how? Man #1: Drop an anvil on her? Man #2: Hit her on the head with a piano. Woman: Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run? Meyers: All your fancy degrees and that's the best you can do? You make me sick! All: [agree meekly]

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.

— Homer watches Itchy and Scratchy, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of `Smartline'. Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, "No, of course not, what kind of stupid question is that?"

— The value of objectivity in reporting, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Joining us live, via satellite from Vienna, home of Sigmund Freud, the world's greatest psychiatrist, to give us an insight into the human mind, Dr. Marvin Monroe.

— `Smartline', "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge" [Does that make Freud or Monroe the world's greatest psychologist?]

Meyers: I did a little research and I discovered a startling thing... There was violence in the past, long before cartoons were invented. Kent: I see. Fascinating. Meyers: Yeah, and know something, Karl? The Crusades, for instance. Tremendous violence, many people killed, the darned thing went on for thirty years. Kent: And this was before cartoons were invented? Meyers: That's right, Kent.

— `Smartline', "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Well, Kent, to me, the hijinks of a few comic characters absolutely pales in comparison to the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into every day. I'm referring to women who love too much, fear of winning, sexaholism, stuff like that.

— Dr. Marvin Monroe on `Smartline', "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Kent: For another opinion... Krusty: [laughs] Hi, kids! [laughs] Kent: Krusty, please. We're giving you the opportunity to participate in a serious discussion, here. Krusty: Oh, I'm sorry Kent. Just that when the camera gets on me, I just... Hey! [throws a custard pie in his own face] [honks horn] Kent: Krusty! Krusty: [honks horn] [cowers]

— `Smartline', "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Meyers: [explaining on the phone] Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice cream cone, and... Animator: Oh, make it a pie. Pies are easier to draw. Meyers: [to animator] Okay, a pie! [to Marge] Anyway, Scratchy is understandable upset. Marge: Uh huh. Meyers: So we figured he could just, you know, grab Itchy and toss him into a bucket of acid.

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Marge: Couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy? Then they would <both> have pie! Meyers: [walks to storyboard, considers, steps back] It's different, I'll give you that...

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Announcer: It's a tool that every home handyman needs! It's a jigsaw! It's a power drill! It's a wood-turning lathe! It's an asphalt spreader! It's 67 tools in one! How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this? Homer: One thousand dollars! Announcer: Oh, don't answer yet... Homer: Oh, sorry. Announcer: Because you also get...

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

They love! They share! They share and love and share! Love, love, love! Share, share, share! The Itchy and Scratchy Show!

— A kinder, gentler cartoon, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Lisa: Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge... Marge: Well, I think it conveys a very nice message about sharing. Bart: I think it sucks.

— A kinder, gentler cartoon, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Marge: Aren't you going to watch the rest of your cute cartoons? Bart: Naah. Come on, Li. Lisa: Maybe there's something else to do on this planet...

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Krusty: Hi, kids! [laughs] [sees empty studio] Huh? Is it Saturday?

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Artist: This will be the art event of the century. The greatest masterpiece of the Italian renaissance, Michelangelo's David, on a coast-to-coast tour of United States. Reporter: Uh, sir, which cities will be included on your itinerary? Artist: Eh, New York, Springfield, and if we have time, Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles.

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Helen: You've got to lead our protest against this abomination! [shows newspaper article] Marge: Mm, but that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece. Helen: [gasp] It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, practical as they may be, are evil. Marge: But I like that statue. Helen: [gasp] I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity! Come on, girls...

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Is it a masterpiece or just some guy with his pants down? That's our topic tonight on Smartline...

— Kent Brockman, on the coming of Michelangelo's David to Springfield, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Kent: Aren't you Marge Simpson the wacko? Marge: Mm... Yes and no.

— "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

I guess one person <can> make a difference, but most of the time, they probably shouldn't.

— Marge, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight. Join us tomorrow, when our topic will be, "Religion: Which is the one true faith?"

— Kent Brockman on `Smartline', "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Well, there he is. Michelangelo's `Dave'.

— Homer admires Renaissance art, "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Homer: Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is going to come and see this thing. Marge: Really? Why? Homer: They're forcing 'em! [laughs]

— On Michelangelo's `David', "Itchy and Scratchy and Marge"

Smithers: I think the boy is hurt. Burns: Oh for crying out loud, just give him a nickel and let's get going.

— after... "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Hey, cool, I'm dead.

— Bart realizes he's dead, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Please hold onto the handrail. Do not spit over the side. [and repeated in Spanish]

— Heavenly voice, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?

— Bart introduces himself to Satan, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

According to this, you're not due to arrive until the Yankees wins the pennant. That's nearly a century from now.

— The Devil, on Bart's premature visit to Hell, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Boy is my face red.

— Satan after realizing Bart isn't due to arrive yet, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Bart: Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here? Satan: Oh, sure, yeah. But, eh, you wouldn't like it. Bart: Oh, okay! See you later, then.

— Bart leaves Hell, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Satan: Remember: Lie, cheat, steal, and listen to heavy metal music! Bart: Yes, sir!

— Some parting advice, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water. Homer: Ooh, classy.

— "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Homer: The doctor says it's just a bump on the head and a broken toe, nothing serious. Hutz: Pfft. Doctors. Doctors are idiots!

— "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster? Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?

— Lisa suspects Lionel Hutz isn't on the level, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. What's that, a broken neck? Great!

— Chasing a gurney down the corridor, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Marge: Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably, doctor? Hibert: Mm, better let him rest up a while first.

— "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Homer: If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and... Smithers: Simpson! Homer: Aah! Smithers: Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!

— "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Ah, Simpson. At last we meet.

— Mr. Burns, calling Homer in regarding Bart's accident, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Burns: Throw him out, Smithers! Homer: You don't have to do that, Mr. Burns. I can throw <myself> out.

— Burns tells Homer he isn't going to get a cent, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

The Supreme Court called again. They need your help on some freedom thing.

— Della, Lionel Hutz' secretary, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Yes, Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, The Sorbonne, the Louvre [pron. Loove-rah].

— Lionel Hutz, attorney at law, listing his degrees, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.

— Lionel Hutz, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace, a $99 value, as our gift to you.

— "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Just look at the X-rays! You see that dark spot there? Whiplash. And this smudge here, that looks like my fingerprint? No, that's trauma!

— `Doctor' Nick Riviera, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson, you're not a doctor, the boy's not a doctor, the only person who even comes CLOSE is this man [Nick Riviera].

— Lionel Hutz responding to Marge's skepticism, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Hutz: Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma in the facial area? Riviera: Oh yeah, tons of it! [wrapping Bart's head] Just say when!

— Bart is in the care of trained professionals, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!

— In court, Mr. Burns justifies his actions, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Judge: Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt. Burns: You wouldn't dare! Judge: Well, no, um, I guess I wouldn't.

— "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Judge: Hello, Bart. Now, you do understand the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you son? Bart: Maybe. Judge: Uh huh. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart? Homer and Hutz: [prompting, whispering] No! No! Bart: No.

— Bart takes the witness stand, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Defenseless child at three o'clock.

— Smithers spying a helpless Bart in the street, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Marge and Lisa: Mmm...

— Reactings to Bart's "Believable testimony", "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Oh, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys...

— Mr. Burns' view of events, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

NOOOOOOOO!! TAKE ME!! I'M OLD!!

— Mr. Burns' view of events, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, underbrained glorified notary publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off with a banana or two!

— Mr. Burns bawling out his attorneys, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Burns: And that ugly customer was the last Indonesian rhino on earth. Marge: Hm, I didn't know you liked animals. Burn: Oh, I don't like everything about them. Just their heads.

— Invited to the Burns mansion, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Homer: Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk? Burns: Yes.

— A brief moment of honesty from Monty Burns, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Sorry, offer's expired, I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide, twelve good men and true, Smithers release the hounds.

— Mr. Burns realizes that Bart made up his story, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? Marge: Mmm... Yes, I do. Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

— "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair. [draws a giant zero] Hutz: I think we should take it.

— "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Homer: [thinks] A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars. Marge: Homer? Would you like some more macaroni and cheese? Homer: [thinks] Yeah, a million dollars' worth, you treacherous snake-woman! [out loud] No, thank you. Marge: Some string beans? Homer: [thinks] No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing back-stabbing... Uh oh, better answer. [out loud] No, thank you. Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it? Homer: [thinks] Just mouth polite nothings. [out loud] No, thank you.

— "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Moe: Oh, you're better off. Rich people aren't happy. From the day they're born to the day they die, they <think> they're happy, but trust me. They ain't. Homer: [thinks] Moe. Wish he'd shut up.

— Homer drowns his sorrows in beer after losing a $1 million court case, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing.

— Marge, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Homer: [thinks to himself] She's been your wife for ten years, you've had three children together, it's time to be honest with her. [out loud] I'm not sure I love you any more. Marge: Gasp! Homer: But, don't worry. Uh, I'll never let on. I'll still do all the bed stuff. Maybe it won't be so bad.

— "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

All right, all right. Look at her if it'll shut her up. Start with the feet. Still angry. Good! Good, Homer, good!

— Homer's love for Marge is shaken, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for <you> will never die.

— Homer's love for Marge is shaken, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Okay everybody, for the next fifteen minutes, one third off on every pitcher. One per customer, domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing.

— Moe, "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"

Homer: Is it done yet? Is it done yet? Marge: Your meatloaf will be ready in eight seconds, Homer. Homer: D'oh! Isn't there anything faster than a microwave?

— Homer watches dinner cook, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Four... three... two... one... Bing! We have meatloaf!

— Homer watches dinner cook in the microwave, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

I've got a dried-out end piece with your name on it, Lisa!

— Homer serves dinner, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Hm. Thursday. Meatloaf night. As it was, is now, and ever shall be.

— Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Homer: What are you getting at? Lisa: Well, you're always trying to teach me to be open-minded, try new things, live life to the... Homer: What are you talking about? Nobody's trying to teach you that!

— Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Marge: Tomorrow night, it might be nice to go out for dinner. Homer: Tomorrow night? Friday? Pork chop night? Marge! We haven't missed pork chop night since the great pig scare in '87!

— Marge suggests a change of pace, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Hm. Friday night. Pork chops. From cradle to grave, etched in stone and God's library somewhere in heaven...

— Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Homer: Okay, okay, where do <you> want to go? Lisa: Anywhere but hamburgers, pizza, or fried chicken! Homer: Fine! We'll go to Mars!

— Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Marge: Mm, there's that new sushi restaurant on Elm Street... Bart: Sushi? Hey, maybe this is just one of those things you hear on the playground, but isn't that raw fish? Lisa: As usual, the playground has the facts right, but missed the point entirely.

— Marge suggests the family go to a Japanese restaurant, `One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Marge: Please, Homer, can't we try it? [going to a sushi bar] Homer: No. Lisa: Please, Dad, this argument humiliates us both. Homer: If I said `no' the first time, what makes you think I'm going to say `yes' the second time? Lisa: Nothing, but you may say `yes' the ninety-ninth time. Homer: Oh? Try me. Lisa: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Lisa: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Lisa: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Lisa: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Lisa: Please, Dad. Homer: No. Lisa: Please, Dad. Homer: Oh, okay, okay.

— If at first you don't succeed, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

This is our karaoke bar. Now it is empty, but soon it will be hopping with drunken Japanese businessmen.

— Restaurant hostess, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Bart: Akira, my good man, I'd like two sharks, an octopus and an eel. Akira: Very good. Bart: Do you have any giant squid? The kind that drags men to their deaths? Akira: Not today.

— At the Japanese restaurant, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Come on, pal! Fugu me!

— Homer snaps at Akira the waiter, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Apprentice: But master, we need your skilled hands. Master chef: My skilled hands are busy!

— The master chef making the pretzel with Mrs. Krabappel, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Fan-fugu-tastic!

— Homer eats some fugu, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

No need to panic. There is a map to the hospital on the back of the menu.

— Apprentice chef at the Japanese restaurant, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Dr. H: You have twenty-four hours to live. Homer: Twenty-four hours! Dr. H: Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long.

— Homer learns he's going to die, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Well, if there's one consolation, it's that you will feel no pain at all until some time tomorrow evening, when your heart suddenly explodes.

— Dr. Hibbert explains the consequences of eating tainted fugu, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"

Dr. H: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial. Homer: No way! Because I'm not dying! [hugs Marge] Dr. H: The second is anger. Homer: Why you little! [steps towards Dr. H] Dr. H: After that comes fear. Homer: What's after fear? What's after fear? [cringes] Dr. H: Bargaining. Homer: Doc, you gotta get me out of this! I'll make it worth your while! Dr. H: Finally, acceptance. Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime. Dr. H: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

— Homer learns he's going to die, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"