Movie Trivia

Marge: Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead? Homer: I appreciate that, honey, but we need one hundred an fifty dollars here!

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: [presenting TV] Would you pay $150 for this <lovely> Motorola? Clerk: Is it cable-ready? Homer: As ready as she'll ever be.

— Pawn shop, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Marge: [despairingly] Homer, you raided the college fund, the TV... Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you. Homer: Hey! No pain, no gain!

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Receptionist: Will you be paying by cash or check? Homer: Cash of course! I've got two hundred and fifty dollars right here with me. I'm holding it right now. Here it is, look... check it out. [Homer realizes he could be making a big mistake.] Two hundred and fifty big ones. Bart: You really want to impress her, show her the big empty space where our TV used to be.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Monroe: Hello, I'm Doctor Marvin Monroe, no doubt you recognize me from TV. Lisa: We would if we had one.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Whoa! Okay, so you want to kill each other. That's good, that's healthy. There's nothing necessarily wrong with hostile conflict.

— Doctor Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: Wait a minute, these mallet things are padded with foam rubber. What's the point? Bart: They work much better without the padding, Doc.

— At Doctor Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Monroe: Everyone comfy? Hmmph, good. Now don't touch any of those buttons in front of you for a very important reason. I.e., You are wired in to the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock---(*buzzzzzz* Homer: Waaaaaaugh! Bart: Just testing.

— At Doctor Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Monroe: This is what's known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you emotionally, you will hurt them physically, and gradually you will learn not to hurt each other at all! And won't that be wonderful Homer? Homer: Oh yes, doctor! [zaps Bart] Bart: Oh! [presses button] Lisa: Owwww! Marge: [scornfully] Bart! How could you shock you little sister? Bart: My finger slipped. [zapped] Whaaaaagh! Lisa: So did mine! [zapped by Bart] Aigh! [she retaliates] Bart: Arggh! [zaps Lisa again] Marge: Bart! Lisa! Stop that! [zaps both]

— At Doctor Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Smithers: Boy, someone's really gobbling up the juice, sir. Burns: Excellent! Excellent! [walking over to a power meter] Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as the dodo.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Marge: So how was the office birthday party? Homer: Oh, it was de-lightful! The frosting on the cake was this thick! [about an inch] And Eugene Fisk (my poor sucker of an assistant) didn't know the fruit punch was spiked, and he really made an ass of himself putting the moves on a new girl in valve maintenance. Ha ha ha.. Marge: Does this girl like him? Homer: Pffft. I have to warn you Marge, I think the poor young thing has the hots for Yours Truly! Marge: Homer! Homer: Just keepin' you on your toes, babe.

— "Homer's Night Out"

AAGGGHHH! TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY NINE POUNDS!!! Ohh, I'm a blimp. Why are the good things so tasty?

— Homer weighs himself, "Homer's Night Out"

Oh no! Two hundred and thirty nine pounds! I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats?

— Homer weighs himself, "Homer's Night Out"

Homer: Well, from now on, exercise every morning Homer! [does stretching exercises in front of the bathroom mirror] Marge: Ooh, don't strain yourself, dear. Homer: Good idea Marge. [stops]

— "Homer's Night Out"

Marge: Mmmhmmm. Eugene Fisk, isn't he your assistant? Homer: No! My... supervisor. Marge: Didn't he used to be your assistant? Homer: Hey, what is this! The Spanish Exposition? Marge: Sorry, Homer...

— "Homer's Night Out"

Bart: [doorbell rings] Oh-ho! It's the fe-mail-man! Lisa: Fe-mail-carrier, Bart.

— "Homer's Night Out"

: \name Bart |\name The Fe-mail-man : Lady, where's my spy camera. | : Where's my spy camera? |Where's my spy camera. : Where's my spy camera, lady? |Every day for the last six months, : Where is my spy camera? |"Where is my spy camera?" : Where's my spy camera?! |"Where's my spy camera?!" : <Where's my spy camera!> |"<Where's my spy camera!>" : |\sc Here's your stupid spy camera!! : |[thrusts a parcel at Bart] : Whoa, thanks, man! \>

— "Homer's Night Out"

Bart: [snaps Homer's picture] Homer: Bart! Whaddaya doing! Bart: Sorry Dad, the answer to that is top secret.

— "Homer's Night Out"

Lisa: Ewwww, gross. Momm! Bart was taking a picture of his butt! Bart: [hastily pulls up his pants] Oh sure, like I'm really gonna take a picture of my butt.

— "Homer's Night Out"

Waiter: Ahoy! I spy the children's menu! Bart: Ahoy! This place bites! Marge: Bart!

— A visit to the Rusty Barnacle, "Homer's Night Out"

Waiter: So what's it going to be, me little buck-o? Bart: A-huh-ha-hmm, let's see... [examines the menu] This evening I shall go for the... Squid platter... Lisa: [disgusted] Ewwwww! Bart: ... with extra tentacles, please.

— A visit to the Rusty Barnacle, "Homer's Night Out"

Waiter: [fried shrimp for Lisa] Here you go... \\ [pork chop \'a la // Hawaiian] There you are... \\ [a smaller serving of fried shrimp] For the baby... \\ [to Bart] And one squid platter, <extra> tentacles. Bart: Heh heh... Urrggghh... [turns green and drops below the table] Marge: Bart, quit fooling around and eat your dinner! Lisa: [taunting] Yeah, eat it Bart. Bart: [from beneath the table] May I please be excused for a minute? Marge: Well okay, but don't dawdle. Your food will get cold. Bart: Urgh. [leaves the table]

— A visit to the Rusty Barnacle, "Homer's Night Out"

Martin: My goodness! Quite exciting! Girl: Extremely sensual. Boy: The subtle greytones recall the work of Helmut Newton... Martin: Who's the sexy lady, Bart? Bart: [hanging up the photo to dry] Beats me, but the guy dancing with her s'my Pop. All: Wow! Boy: [making a closer inspection of the photo] He brings to mind the later work of Diane Arbus.

— "Homer's Night Out"

Milhouse: Come on Bart. You're gonna make me a print aren't you? Bart: Will you swear not to let another living soul get a copy of this photo? Milhouse: Ok. Bart: Cross your heart and hope to die? Milhouse: Yup. Bart: Stick a needle in your eye? Milhouse: Yup. Bart: Jam a dagger in your thigh? Milhouse: Yup. Bart: Eat a horse-manure pie? Milhouse: [gulps] Yup. Bart: Well, okay.

— "Homer's Night Out"

Burns: His name? Smithers: [holding a copy of the incriminating photo] Homer Simpson sir, a low-level employee in sector 7G. Burns: Simpson, eh?

— "Homer's Night Out"

Apu: You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something? Homer: Sorry buddy, you've got me confused with Fred Flintstone.

— "Homer's Night Out"

Marge: [thrusting a copy of the photograph in his face] What is the <meaning> of this! Homer: Whyarreeuumpht... Meaningless! Marge... Don't even attempt to find meaning in it. There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir! Marge: Princess <who>? Bart: [wanders by] Hey, my photo! Homer+Marge: <Your photo!> Bart: Uh-oh. Homer: Why you little... [steps towards Bart] Marge: [grabs Homer's neck] Why you big... Bart! Go to your room! Bart: I'm outta here...

— "Homer's Night Out"

Homer: Look, Marge... Honey... Baby... Doll... Marge: [turning her back, folding her arms] Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. Homer: What are you saying, honey? [Marge points him outside] But where will I sleep? Marge: [shaking angrily] My suggestion is you sleep in the filth you created! Homer: Will a motel be okay? [Marge slams the front door in his face]

— Shall I take that as a yes? "Homer's Night Out"

Moe: Whatsamatta, Homer? It's the hottest ladies night in months and you're not even checking out the action. Homer: Oh Moe, my wife gave me the ol' heave-ho because of some lousy picture. Moe: [pointing to a copy behind him] What, this one? Homer: D'oh!

— "Homer's Night Out"

If you get hungry in the middle of the night, there's a open beer in the fridge.

— Barney Gumbel, your gracious host, "Homer's Night Out"

Homer: Look Barney, see the row of tiny lights up there? The middle one is my house. Someone must've left the porch light on. Barney: Hey, that's rough pal. [using the phone] Hello, Marge? You left your damned porch light on! Homer isn't made of money you know!

— "Homer's Night Out"

There's a party down the hall. You know this apartment complex really caters to up-scale singles like me. [belch]

— Barney Gumbel, your gracious host, "Homer's Night Out"

Burns: What in blue-blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson? Homer: What do you mean, sir? Burns: [showing Homer the photo] I mean this! [Homer gasps] A plant employee carrying on like a over-sexed orangutan in heat! This is a <family> nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over fifty percent of our power is used by <women>.

— Read my lips: No rude faxes! "Homer's Night Out"

Burns: [sadly] Simpson, I am by most measures a successful man. I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk. And yet, I've led a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to me. You seem to have a way with women, [gets up and stares out his window] a certain, how should I put it... Animal magneteasmuh [sic]. [begging] Help me Simpson, tell me your secret. Homer: Uh, Mister Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no loverboy. Burns: [pleasantly] Simpson, I'm asking you nicely... Homer: I don't really know, sir. Burns: <Simpson!> Homer: Well oh, wine 'em... Dine 'em... Burns: [listens attentively] Homer: Bring them flowers.. Write them love poetry... sir. Burns: Of course! It's simplicity itself! I won't forget this Simpson. [angrily] Now return to your work!... and tell no one of what transpired here.

— It'll be our little secret, "Homer's Night Out"

Homer: Hello Marge? It's me, Homer. Are you still mad? Marge: [continues scowling] Homer: You <are> still mad. Don't need to say it, I'm your loving husband, I can read you like a book. [goes to the fridge] I'll just have some milk. [using a glass] Look! I'm not drinking out of the carton! [breaks down] Come on Marge! Please forgive me! [goes down on his knees] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry... Marge: [with contempt] Homer, you don't even know why you're apologizing. Homer: Yes, I do. Because I'm hungry, my clothes are smelly, and I'm tired.

— "Homer's Night Out"

Marge: You taught Bart a very bad lesson. Your boy idolizes you. Homer: Oh, he does not.

— "Homer's Night Out"

Homer: Hey Princess! It's me! The guy from the snap shot! Kashmir: [not very enthusiastically] Oh, hi. Homer: Look, I'm here because I want to apologize for treating you like an object. Kashmir: Uh-huh. Homer: I also want my boy to find out that you're more than just a belly. I want to meet the woman behind all the spangles and glitter, and find out that she has thought and feelings too. Kashmir: Uh, oh, okay, but can we make it quick? Bart: Nice to meet you ma'am. [waves] Homer: Could you tell him a little about yourself? Kashmir: Well, um, my real name is Shauna Tifton, my pet peeve is rude people, and my turn-ons include silk sheets and a warm fireplace.

— "Homer's Night Out"

Burns: How does he do it, Smithers? Smithers: He's a love machine, sir.

— "Homer's Night Out"

I have something to say to all the sons out there. To all the boys, to all the men, to all of us. It's about women, and how they are not mere objects with curves that make us crazy. No, they are our wives, they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our nieces and nephews---well, not our nephews.

— Homer, "Homer's Night Out"

All right folks, the show's over! No more to see, folks, come on. Only sick people want to see my folks kiss!

— Bart, "Homer's Night Out"

Lisa: This is going to be the best birthday breakfast Mom ever had! Bart: [looking to plate of 42 pancakes] Hey Lis, you think that's enough for her? Lisa: Maybe one more.

— "Jacques to be Wild"

Lisa: I hope she likes the presents we got her. Bart: [produces a 10-litre jug labelled `French Perfume' (in English)] Well, I know she'll like mine. Who wouldn't like a bottle of real French perfume? All the way from gay Pari! Foooouuur bucks (plus tax).

— "Jacques to be Wild"

Bart: I get to lick the beaters! Lisa: [hands him the electric mixer] Bart: Whago, agh agh aghh! Weetha! Mugh humgb ipht paht im dapt beiter, Mugh humgb!

— "Jacques to be Wild"

Bart+Lisa: HAP-PY BIRTH-DAY! Homer: [alarmed] Aaggh! Whaa... What! Lisa: Here's your birthday breakfast! Marge: [delighted] Ooh! Well isn't this nice! Homer: My birthday? Lisa: No! Homer: It's my birthday! What did I get? I <love> birthdays! Marge: [angrily] No Homer, it's mine! Bart: You don't even know your own wife's birthday? Homer: Well, of, ... of course I know! Sure! [nudges Marge with his elbow] You really thought I'd forgot, didn't you? [gets out of bed] Bart: Oh, right. What did you get her Dad? Lisa: Yeah, whadja get? Homer: [getting dressed] A very... thoughtful gift... But it's a surprise! [stretches his arms] You know it's such a beautiful morning, I think I'll take a little stroll around the block. [leaves the room. We hear the pit-pat of feet accelerating down the stairs and into the car, followed by the squeal of car tyres.]

— "Jacques to be Wild"

Marge: Patty, he's out buying me something right now. Patty: Oh Marge, he never gets you anything <you> want. He always gets something for himself. Selma: [mumbles] The tackle box... Patty: Remember when he got you the tackle box? Selma: [mumbles] ... and the Chung calendar. Patty: And when he `surprised' you with the Connie Chung calendar?

— "Jacques to be Wild"

Lisa: I think she likes my present better. \< Bart: Does not! Lisa: |Does too! Bart: | |Does not! Lisa: | | |Does too! Bart: | | | |Does not! \> Lisa: Then how come she's not putting on any of your perfume? Bart: [worried] Yeah... Hey Mom, how come you're not putting on any of my perfume? Marge: [diplomatically] Well I'm saving it... for a special occasion. Bart: What the hell are you talking about? There's gallons of it! Homer: [barks] Bart! Marge: [eyes darting] But this occasion is already so special, if we make it any <more> special, we might end up making it <less> special. Bart: Gotcha! [to Lisa] I told you she liked mine better. Lisa: Oh, brother.

— "Jacques to be Wild"

Homer: Don't worry, this frosting will come right off. [looking to the ball] Beauty, isn't she? Marge: Well it's hard for me to judge, SINCE I'VE NEVER BOWLED IN MY LIFE! Homer: Well if you don't want it, I know someone how does...

— "Jacques to be Wild"

Marge: Excuse me, where do I throw this? Attendant: Over there. Marge: Thank you. [heads off] Attendant: Hey---wait a minute! You're going need a lane! Marge: No thanks, I'm just here out of spite. Attendant: [pointing to sign reading...] Can't bowl without a lane. Marge: Well, all right. Attendant: [hands her a scoresheet] Here you go... you keep score on this. What sized shoes you wear? Marge: Never you mind! Attendant: [pointing to another sign] Can't wear street shows on the lane. You gotta wear bowling shoes. What size please? Marge: [grudgingly] Hmhmm... Thirteen double A. Attendant: Thirteen double A!!! [whistles in amazement] The closest I've got is a nine and a fifteen.

— "Jacques to be Wild"

They're a little warm and moist.

— Marge puts on (rented) bowling shoes, "Jacques to be Wild"

Marge: I'm awfully sorry! Bowler: Entirely my fault. It's nice to meet you... [looks at her bowling ball] Homer. Marge: No no. Homer is my... ball's name.

— "Jacques to be Wild"

Bowler: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter, more delicate. Here, use my ball. Marge: No, no thank you Mister... [looking at his bowling ball] Brunswick.

— "Jacques to be Wild"

Many people have senseless attachments to heavy clumsy things such as this Homer of yours.

— Jacques, "Jacques to be Wild"

Marge: You're a very good teacher! Jacques: Yes I am a very good teacher and I can teach you everything. I can tell you what the little arrows on the wood floor mean. Which frame is the beer frame.

— "Jacques to be Wild"

Marge: What do you charge for lessons? Jacques: Twenty-five dollars. Marge: [shocked] Twenty five dollars! Jacques: [leaning forward] A forty-dollars value!

— "Jacques to be Wild"

Hot pizza, the food of kings!

— Homer serves dinner, "Jacques to be Wild"

Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish. Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it? Marge: Oh, very smooth. \< Jacques: Smooth? Marge: |Yes, very. Jacques: | |Yes? Marge: | | |Yes. Jacques: | | | |Yes. Marge: | | | | |Smooth. Jacques: | | | | | |Smooth. Marge: | | | | | | |Yes. Jacques: | | | | | | | |Yes. : You could eat off of it. \> Marge: Hmmmm... Jacques: You hungry? Marge: Yes. Jacques: [yelling] Four Onion rings! Back at the house,, Lisa: [finishing her pizza] Hummm! Deliciouso! Bart: My compliments to the delivery boy. Homer: Ok, we've eaten and eaten well. Now what else do we have to do? Well, let's check the list your Mom left us... Eat, huhmmmm,, [ticks with a pencil] Oh, clean up! Now don't worry everybody, this will be a breeze if we all pitch in. [they form a human chain to the bin] Allright! We're clean! Now we'll... [looks to Maggie] Put Maggie to bed. In Maggie's bedroom. Homer, Bart and Lisa stand beside Maggie's cot. Homer,Bart and Lisa: Lullaby, and goodnight, come to bed and sleep tight. Close your eyes, start to yawn. Pleasant dreams until the dawn. Homer is exhausted. Later that night Marge enters the bedroom dressed in her sleeping gown. Marge: Homer,, Homer? Homer: Huh? Wah? Oh,, How was bowling? Marge: It's a very challenging hobby. Homer: Heh heh,, It's a sport dear. It's a sport you silly thing. Marge: But I think I'll do much better tomorrow night. Homer: [shocked/surprised] Oh! You're going back? Marge: Oh sure, if you don't mind taking care of the kids again. Homer: [confused] Oh, no,, I don't mind. They say goodnight to each other. At Marge's next bowling lesson, Jacques gives her a bowling glove. Marge: Jacques! It fits, you got it in my size and it has my name on it. It's really for me! Jacques: [thrusts himself upon her] Seventeen fifty, enjoy it my darling. Marge bowls and leaves only a single pin standing, then looks to Jacques pleased with her improvement. Jacques massages her hands over a steam vent, and they look into each others' eyes. He fits Marge out with a new pair of bowling shoes (nb: four toes),, teaches her to hold a ball correctly,, assists marking the scoresheet,, helps her to dip a onion ring,, more gazing into each others' eyes,, the final bowling pin topples... Jacques gives Marge a lift home. Marge: You didn't have to drop me off. Jacques: But I wanted to. [grasps her hand] Marge, do you know how beautiful you look in the moonlight? Marge: Errrr, Jacques! I'm a married woman! Jacques: I know, I know. My mind says stop, but my heart, and my hips, cry for sin. [Marge reacts accordingly] Marge darling, I - I want to see you tomorrow. Not at Barney's Bowlorama,, away from the thunderous folly of clattering pins. Meet me tomorrow for Brunch. Marge: What's Brunch? Jacques: You'd love it,, It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal! Marge: I don't think so. Jacques: Marge, darling. There are ten pins in my heart, you've knocked over eight. Won't you please pick up that spare? Marge: [hesitantly] Mmmm, mmmmm... All right! Marge returns to bed. Homer feels something has changed between them, but isn't able to express it. They fall asleep isolated from each other. The next morning,, Otto pulls up in front of the house. Bart: O-ho! School bus! Marge: [holding two grocery bags full of goodies] Here you go kids,, Special lunches! Lots of good things for growing bodies, [Bart and Lisa look to each other bewildered] and some treats just for fun. Bart: Aye Curumba! Lisa: Are you going bowling again tonight Mom? Marge: Yes I am, as a matter of fact. [tops up their lunches, to Bart's delight, but Lisa is worried] Here's more treats. But don't worry, your Dad will take care of dinner. Bart: [delighted] Hmmm, Wednesday. Hoagie night! Marge: [kisses Lisa] Goodbye Lisa, my darling little Lisa. [kisses Bart] Goodbye Bart, my special little guy. Bart and Lisa are sitting next to each other on the bus. Bart has already started lunch. Bart: Hmm,, Great lunches, hey Lis? Lisa: Oh Bart, don't you see? This is what psychologists call Over- compensation,, Mom is racked with guilt because their marriage is failing. Bart: Hey, don't rock the boat Man. Whatever it is, we're making out like bandits. Lisa: Bart, I've read about what happens to kids who's parents no longer love and cherish each other. They go through eight separate stages. Right now I'm in stage three, Fear. You're in stage two, Denial. Bart: [whines] No I'm not. Lisa: Yes you are. Bart: [angrily] No I'm not! Lisa: Yes you are! Bart: Am not! Am not! Am not! Lisa: I stand corrected,, Jacques inspects the brunch menu at a Cajun restaurant, while Marge nervously wrings a napkin in her hands. Jacques: Mimosa? Marge: I'm a married woman, please don't call me that. Jacques: [laughs] Nononono. Mimosa is the name of the drink. It's orange juice and champagne. [laughs] You're so wonderful that you thought it was something offensive. Marge: [accepting the compliment] Oooo, well thank you. Helen Lovejoy, the gossipy wife of the Minister recognizes Marge (who tries to hide behind a menu.) Helen: [at 78rpm] I had just finished eating and was about to leave, when I looked over this way and said to myself, Huh! Isn't that Marge Simpson over there, having brunch with a man who isn't her husband? [Jacques is annoyed, Marge forces a smile]. Ha ha,, and I just had to come over and say Hello! Marge: We're.. um.. Helen: Oh, don't squirm on my account. Jacques: I am giving her a bowling lesson, thank you. Now Marge, [using the salt shakers] The pins on the 3-7-10 split would be here. We'll make this little piece of food here the ball, the ball's bigger, you know that. [Helen suspects something] but for food, this is a good ball. Helen: Ahem, well, byebye. [to Marge] See you in church on Sunday, Marge. Marge: [cheerlessly] Good-bye Helen. Jacques: Goodbye Helen. You have a lovely friend there,, [Marge "Hmmm's" unhappily] Let's hope something runs over her. [Marge sniggers] Your laughter is like music to me,, but if you laugh at what I say next, I will die. For I am about to say something very serious, perhaps shocking. Marge my darling, I want you to meet with me, again. Marge: That doesn't shock me. Jacques: [reaching across the table] Away from prying eyes, away from the Helen's of the world. At my apartment,, the Fiesta Terrace. Marge faints. She dreams,, (with a definite bowling motif and a light grey and pink scheme.) Dressed in a apricot ballroom gown, she rings a doorbell and Jacques (dressed in a tuxedo) answers the door. ("I've been waiting for you. Come in my captivating one.") Curtains rise revealing the interior to his (lavishly furnished) apartment. The two of them dance, and during a (whatever they call that dance movement) Marge notices a trophy case filled with awards. Marge: You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. Jacques: Ha ha, [whispered] I like you so much. They're not for bowling Marge. You're so naive,, They're for lovemaking! Marge: Really? After a most stylish sequence of them dancing together, Marge rests at a cocktail bar and Jacques offers her a Champagne. They sip with their arms entwined, then toss the glasses over their shoulders and resume dancing. Jacques: What cosmic force brought us together Marge? Marge: Destiny! Jacques: Yes. Some divine pin-spotter, must have placed us, side-by-side. Marge: Like two fragile bowling pins. Jacques: Standing bravely. Marge: Until inevitably,, Jacques: We must topple. Marge's fantasy concludes. Jacques is trying to revive her has she lies on the restaurant floor. Jacques: Marge! Marge! Speak to me! Marge: Is Thursday ok? Jacques: It's ok indeed. Homer changes from his shirt in the bedroom and notices a photograph on the dressing table of him and Marge together. He discovers the bowling glove in the dresser ("For... Marge?"), and sadly realizes that Marge must be seeing someone else. He places the glove back in drawer and sits cheerlessly on the end of the bed. Bart trots in with a baseball glove. Bart: Hey Dad! Whatawe say we toss the old apple around, huh? Sound like fun? Homer: Son, I don't know if I can lift my head, let alone a ball. Bart: Come on Dad, get the lead out. Bart drags Homer out of the bedroom by the arm. Homer stands listlessly at the far end of the backyard wearing a baseball glove. Bart: [practicing his baseball] Simpson checks the runner on first, he's cool(?) on sign. Here's the windup, and Heerree's the pitch,, [beaning Homer on the forehead. Homer slumps to the ground and Bart runs to him] Dad, you didn't even say `Ouch!' Homer: Oh... Sorry... Ouch. Worried, Bart runs to Lisa (sitting underneath the porch light with Maggie). Bart: Lisa, Lisa,, I think you're right about Dad. There's something very very wrong here. Lisa: Bart, welcome to stage three,, Fear. Bart: [urgently] Well come on! We've got to do something man! Lisa: Sorry Bart, I would love to help you but I am mired in stage five, Self-pity. Bart runs back to Homer. Bart: Look Dad, I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me some advice that might help. Homer: I gave you advice? Get outta here. Bart: Yeah, you did. You told me when something's bothering you, and you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth shut. At least that way you won't make things worse. Homer: Hmmm, good advice. Marge is in the kitchen making sandwiches. Homer enters and almost reaches for his wife's hand, but pauses to pick up his lunch box instead. As he is about to leave through the back door, he turns around and looks to Marge. Homer: Marge, may I.. speak to you? Marge: Sure. Homer: You know, I've been thinking. Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips out over the sides and the guy's hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it. You've just got a gift I guess, and I've always thought so,, I've just never mentioned it. But it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. [pause] Goodbye my wife. Marge: ...Goodbye Homer. In his apartment at the Fiesta Terrace, Jacques prepares himself in front of the bathroom mirror. Jacques: To the most beautiful moment in life,, Better than a deed, better than a memory, the moment... of anticipation! Jacques: Oh Jacques, you handsome devil. Look at you,, You're really going to STRIKE OUT TONIGHT! The SNPP during lunch-time. Homer sits staring forlornly at his sandwich. Lenny: Ain't you hungry Homer? Homer: Starving. Lenny: Then why aren't you eating your sandwich? Homer: How can I eat it? She made it,, It's all I have left. Homer packs up his sandwich and walks away. The technician recognizes a "Domestic Situation". Marge is driving through Springfield on her way to see Jacques. Stopping at the traffic lights she sees a wedding, and averts her eyes to the other direction only to see a young couple wheeling a pram. The lights turn green and she speeds off. At the next stop sign Marge uneasily watches a family at a picnic, and the elderly couple walking down the path at the next stop drives the point further, with the help of two gravestones side-by-side and two skeletons (costumes) holding hands. At the turnoff to the SNPP and the Fiesta Terrace, Marge initially heads towards the Fiesta, but skids to a halt and reverses to the SNPP. She returns to the intersection and sits staring at the turnoff sign. bb ## b 332_ 4444 1325 74__ .... . Marge enters the Power plant, to the surprise of all the workers clad in their radiation suits. She marches down the main corridor, attracting the attention of everyone including Mr Burns. Her silhouette passes a doorway, and finds Homer working unhappily at a waste separator. [Taps him on the shoulder] Homer: Marge! What a lovely surprise! You're hear to see me, right? Marge: Of course! [cuddles and kisses him on the cheek] Homer picks her up and carries her past his cheering co-workers. ("Way to go Homer, Way to Go!") Worker: Hey, what will I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! Continued applause and cheering from the other employees. Marge wears Homer's Safety helmet as he carries her outside into the sunset. Episode summary artist: Chris J. Baird,, <[email protected]> Also Starring,, - Albert Brooks (as Jacques) - Maggie Roswell (as Helen Lovejoy)

TV host: Okay, the capital of North Dakota was named for what German ruler? Homer: Hitler! Marge: [coming in with food] Hitler, North Dakota?

— watching `Grade School Challenge', "Simpson and Delilah"

TV host: The colors of the Italian flag are red, white, and what? [all four simultaneously] Bart: Blue! Orange! Red! Purple! Patty: [bored] Green. Selma: [bored] Green. Homer: Yellow! Red! White! Black! Green! Contestant: [pause] Green. Homer: I was right!

— watching `Grade School Challenge', "Simpson and Delilah"

Dimoxinil can help me grow as much, or as little, hair as I want to.

— advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, "Simpson and Delilah"

For your free brochure send five dollars to Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza, Hair City, Utah.

— advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, "Simpson and Delilah"

Marge, weren't you listening? This is a miracle breakthrough! Not one of these cheapo sucker deals! [tosses a cheapo sucker hair restoration product in the trash]

— Hope springs eternal in Homer, "Simpson and Delilah"

We do have a product that is more in your price range. However, I must assure you that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental.

— "Dr. H", "Simpson and Delilah"

Homer: [breaks down in tears] Of all the rip-off, screw job, chip joint... [gets up] Forget you pal... [sobbing] thanks for nothing. [leaves, crying] nuclear plant] Homer: So I say, [angrily] Forget you, pal! Thanks for nothing! And I storm right out of there.

— A matter of perpective, "Simpson and Delilah"

Dry fish-sticks! This sucks!

— Homer complains about cafeteria fare, "Simpson and Delilah"

Worker: Quit complaining, chrome-dome. Homer: D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!

— "Simpson and Delilah"

Why should you get nothing, while some guy who loses a finger hits the jackpot?

— One of Homer's coworkers cajoles him into filing a false medical insurance form, "Simpson and Delilah"

Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen.

— Homer's hairful prayer, "Simpson and Delilah"

Homer: Good morning, Moe's Tavern! Barney: Hey, it's the president!

— Homer gets hair, "Simpson and Delilah"

Marge: Just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years! Patty: [grunt] I don't want to think about it. Homer: [from offscreen] Daddy's home, sugar! Marge: [goes offscreen to greet him] Homer: Come here, you.. heh heh heh. Marge: Oh, Ooh!

— "Simpson and Delilah"

Patty: This is Homer? Oh, my! Selma: [grunt] Patty, stop drooling. Patty: Look who's talking.

— Homer gets hair, "Simpson and Delilah"

Burns: None of these cretins deserves a promotion! Smithers: It's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year. Burns: [indicating the security monitor] Wait, who's that young go-getter? Smither: Well, it sort of looks like [chuckle] Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful. Burns: Simpson, eh?

— "Simpson and Delilah"

Attention Homer Simpson. You have been promoted. You are now an executive. Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friend and report to room 503 for reassignment to a better life.

— Smither's PA announcement, "Simpson and Delilah"

Well, your resume [pronounced ree-zoom] seems good enough...

— Homer interviews for a secretary, "Simpson and Delilah"

Karl: You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony, and it's only a matter of time until they find you out. Homer: Gasp! Who told you? Karl: You did. You told with me with the way you slump your shoulders, the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain-basement lime-green polyester.

— Homer hires a secretary, "Simpson and Delilah"

Smithers: Our first issue, sir, is our low productivity and record high worker accident rate. Burns: [expels breath] Any suggestions? Advisor1: A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots. Advisor2: We could put caffeine in the water cooler.

— "Simpson and Delilah"

Burns: How would you improve the worker situation? Homer: Well, sir, for one thing, we have a problem every Tuesday when the cafeteria would serve fish sticks... Burns: Fish sticks!? What in blazes are you talking about? Homer: Well, sir, they cut the head off the fish, then chop up the rest of the sticks [sic]. Then they put seasoned breadcrumbs on it..

— Haven't I heard this joke before? "Simpson and Delilah"

Let them have their tar-tar sauce!

— Burns implements Homer's plan, "Simpson and Delilah"

You know, sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself is known or suspected to have caused last month. And our output level is just as high as during Simpson's last vacation.

— Smithers, on Homer's promotion, "Simpson and Delilah"

Oh, hey ho, men. You know, I was watching the Dumont last night, when I happened to catch a fascinating documentary on Rommel, the Desert Fox...

— Mr. Burns emerges from a bathroom stall, "Simpson and Delilah"

Hm... $1000? Dimoxinil? "To keep brain from freezing"?

— Smithers finds Homer's phony medical insurance form, "Simpson and Delilah"

Homer: [kindly] And what does my little girl want? Lisa: An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life. Homer: Uh... How about a pony? Lisa: Okay!

— "Simpson and Delilah"

Smithers: One of your executives has bilked the company insurance plan out of $1000. Burns: What!? Blast his hide to Hades! [thunder roars outside] And I was going to buy that ivory back-scratcher...

— "Simpson and Delilah"

Homer: [strangles Bart] Boy must die! Bart: I love you, Dad! Homer: D'oh! [lets him go] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary! Bart: It is!?

— Bart spills the Dimoxinil, "Simpson and Delilah"

Dad is taking this in less than a heroic fashion.

— Lisa observes Homer, reduced to blubbering when he realizes he's doomed, "Simpson and Delilah"

Homer: [picks up a note] Karl's voice: Dear Mr. Simpson, I've taken the liberty of preparing your speech on the enclosed 3x5 cards. All the big words are spelled phonetically Homer: Phonanetically. Karl's voice: God bless you. You are one of Springfield's very special creatures. [camera pulls back to reveal Karl is standing there] Your obedient servant, Karl. ... Good luck, sir. Homer: [startles] Karl, so that <wasn't> just a sweet voice I heard inside my head.

— "Simpson and Delilah"

Homer: I'm just a big fool. Karl: Oh no, you're not. Homer: How do you know? Karl: Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool! [smack] Homer: [somewhat surprised] Karl! Karl: Now go get 'em, tiger! Homer: [roar!] Karl: [pats Homer's behind as he leaves]

— "Simpson and Delilah"

Homer: [ahem] A lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this. [burns a dollar bill] Burns: He's crazy!

— Homer gives a speech, "Simpson and Delilah"

Some nerve, telling us how to run the plant. He doesn't even have hair!

— Executive watches Homer's presentation, "Simpson and Delilah"

[card #56 reads: "And the long-term benefits more than offset the one-time costs, for a net savings of $526,000." Homer: And the long-term benefits more than offset the one-time costs, for a net savings of... fuh, five thousand, two eh hundred and... lots of money...

— Homer's failed speech, "Simpson and Delilah"

Burns: Simpson, how old do you think I am? Homer: I dunno. A hundred and two? Burns: [sadly] I'm only eighty-one...

— Missed it by that much, "Simpson and Delilah"

Burns: I'm giving you your old job back. Homer: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Burns: Now get out of here before I reconsider. Homer: Oh. Better hurry up.

— "Simpson and Delilah"

Fellow students, prepare to be dazzled! [walks to the front of the room] Well, as Mrs. Krabappel already mentioned, the name of the book that I read is <Treasure Island>. It's about these... [describing the book jacket] pirates... with patches over their eyes... and... shiny gold teeth... and green birds on their shoulders... [pause] Did I mention this book was written by a guy named Robert Lewis Stevenson? And published by the good people at McGraw Hill. So, in conclusion, on the Simpson scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, one being the lowest, and five being average, I give this book... a nine. Any questions? [hands go up] Nope? Then I'll just sit down.

— Bart's book report, "Bart Gets an F"

Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt?

— Bart takes offence when Mrs.K accuses him of not reading the book he is doing a report on, "Bart Gets an F"

I will not fake my way through life.

— Bart's blackboard punishment, "Bart Gets an F"

Ms.K: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that? Bart: Yes, ma'am. Ms.K: Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America? Bart: Yes, ma'am. Ms.K: Blah blah, blah-blah. Blah blah blah blah blah? Bart: Yes, ma'am. Ms.K: Blah blah. Blah-blah blah, blah blah blah. Bart: Yes, ma'am. Ms.K: Bart! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you. Bart: Yes, ma'am. Ms.K: Well, then what did I say? Bart: Uhhhhhh... Straighten up and fly right? Ms.K: Pah! That was a lucky guess.

— Yes, ma'am, "Bart Gets an F"

Homer: Marge, could you get me another beer, please. Marge: Just a second, Homer. Lisa has some good news. Lisa: He doesn't care, Mom. Homer: Sure I do! I just want to have a beer while I'm caring.

— It's like walking and chewing gum, "Bart Gets an F"

Homer: Pssst. Marge, come take a look at this. [Bart has fallen asleep at his desk] Marge: Oh... the little tiger tries so hard. Why does he keep failing? Homer: Just a little dim, I guess.

— Like father, like son, "Bart Gets an F"

Bart: [reading his history book while boarding the bus] Otto: Hey, Bart-dude! Whoa, you little freaked! [?] Bart: Hey, Otto. I got a big test today I am <not> ready for. Could you please crash the bus or something? Otto: Oh, ho, sorry, little buddy. Can't do it on purpose. But, hey! Maybe you'll get lucky!

— "Bart Gets an F"

Bart: Good morning, girls! Sherry+Terry: Good morning, Bart! Bart: Say... Who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat? Sherry: The Spirit of St. Louis. Bart: [taking notes] And where'd they land? Terry: Sunny Acapulco. Bart: And why'd they leave England? Sherry: Giant rats. Bart: Cool! History's coming alive!

— "Bart Gets an F"

Ms.K: All right, class, take one and pass the rest back. [hands out exams] Bart: [to himself] Think, Simpson, think. Crisis brings out the best in you. [convulses and collapses on the floor, moaning] Ms.K: Ugh. What is it, Bart. Bart: [climbing back to his seat] Nothing... Must... take... test... [falls back to the floor]

— Bart the Thespian, "Bart Gets an F"

Nurse: [concerned] What's the matter, son? Bart: [clutching his stomach] Sharp, stabbing pains... in my stomach. Nurse: Oh dear, I've heard of this... [consults a medical reference book, opens to the page "Amoria Phlebitis"] Do you feel a shooting pain in your arm? Bart: [waving his arms] Both of them. Nurse: Temporary loss of vision? Bart: [blindly] Huh? Who said that? Come closer...

— Live from the Improv, "Bart Gets an F"

I wish <I> had Amoria Phlebitis...

— Homer, "Bart Gets an F"

Mrs.K: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I think you know our district psychiatrist Dr. J. Loren Pryor. Homer: Hey, Dr. J. Dr.J.: [ahem] I think we have on our hands here a classic case of what laymen refer to as fear of failure. As a result Bart is an underachiever and yet he seems to be... How shall I put this... proud of it? Homer: Hmmm. Dr.J.: One of his problems may be his short attention span which can lead to blah blah blah blah... Homer: Uh-huh. Dr.J.: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah... Homer: Mmmm...

— Bart is close to failing fourth grade, "Bart Gets an F"

Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear?

— Bart learns he might be held back a grade, "Bart Gets an F"

As God as my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!

— Bart, "Bart Gets an F"

Otto: Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes! Bart: Otto, you know I respect you. I mean, you always let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns. Otto: Heh, damn thing nevers goes over, does it? [unintelligible `ga-hah' noise] So what's in your head little man? Bart: Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently. Otto: Yeah huh... Bart: And, now they're talking about holding me back in the fourth grade if I don't shape up. Otto: That's it? Hey, relax, man! It could end up being the best thing that ever happened to ya. I got held back in the fourth grade myself, twice! Look at me, man! Now I <drive> the school bus!

— "Bart Gets an F"

Bart: I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you so much. Martin: They... laugh at me? I've always considered myself rather popular. Bart: You're not. Watch. [pushes Martin down, crowd laughs] Martin: But... but my speed with numbers... [Bart helps Martin to his feet] my years of service as a hall monitor, my prize-winning dioramas? These things mean nothing to them? Bart: Perhaps another demonstration. [pushes him down again, more laughs]

— "Bart Gets an F"

No study area is complete without adequate plant life.

— Martin, "Bart Gets an F"

Martin: [takes a seat at the front of the bus] Bart: No! Martin: No? Bart: Only geeks sit in the front seat. From now on, you sit in the back row. And that's <not> just on the bus, it goes for school and church, too. Martin: Why? Bart [mezzo voce] So no one can see what you're doing! Martin: Ooooh.. I think I understand... [grabs pencil, starts writing] the potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity to the authority figure! [Shows his equation to Bart: M \propto 1/P] Bart: Well, yeah, but don't say it like that...

— Bart helps Martin shed his poindexter image, "Bart Gets an F"

Pretty soon, you will be able to try it with a <real> book!

— Martin watches Bart with a highlighter pen and a `book', "Bart Gets an F"

Who would have ever thought that pushing a boy into the girl's lavatory could be such a thrill! The screams! The humiliation! The fact that it wasn't me!

— Martin joins Bart and friends, "Bart Gets an F"

Bart: [praying] Well, old timer, I guess this is the end of the road. I know I haven't always been a good kid, but, if I have to go to school tomorrow, I'll fail the test and be held back. I just need one more day to study, Lord. I need Your help! Lisa: [watching] Prayer... the last refuge of a scoundrel. Bart: A teachers strike, a power failure, a blizzard... Anything that'll cancel school tomorrow. I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, You can! Thanking You in advance, Your pal, Bart Simpson.

— "Bart Gets an F"

Bart: [running towards door with sled; goggles on head] Cowabunga! Marge: Remember to take a break if your arms go numb! Bart: [rushes for the front door. Lisa's ominous shadow blocks the way] Hey! Lisa: I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your prayers have been answered. I'm no theologian; I don't know who or what God is exactly, all I know is He's a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together, and you owe Him big. [shuts the door] Bart: You're right. [removes goggles, hands them to Lisa] I asked for a miracle, and I got it. I gotta study, man! [goes upstairs to his room] I'm not missing anything... frozen earlobes, trudging up that stupid sledhill over and over again... How good could it be? [looks out window...]

— "Bart Gets an F"

Burns: I was never one to back away from a snowball fight! Smithers, you may fire at will! Smithers: Certainly, sir.

— Snow Day, "Bart Gets an F"

I hereby declare this day to be Snow Day, the funnest day in the history of Springfield!

— Diamond Joe Quimby, "Bart Gets an F"

Th. Jefferson: We hold these truths to be self-evident... Bart: [to himself] We hold these truths to be self-evident... We hold these truths to be self-evident... Th. Jefferson: That all men are created equal. Bart: [to himself] That all men are created equal... Th. Jefferson: And from that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable... Delegate: [glances out the window, points] Hey, look, everybody! It's snowing! Delegate: In the middle of July? Al. Hamilton: It's a miracle! Ben Franklin: [comes in, shakes snow off his wig] I've invented something fun! The sled! [all the delegates (except Bart) rush outside to play] Delegate: [o.s.] Hey, look everybody! John Hancock's writing his name in the snow!

— Trying to study during a snow day, "Bart Gets an F"

You wanna be held back a grade? Concentrate, man!

— Bart, slapping himself, trying to study, "Bart Gets an F"

Bart: I... passed? Ms.K: Just barely! Bart: Gasp! I passed! I got a D-! I passed! [crying tears of joy] All right! [kisses Ms. Krabappel and dances out of the classroom] I passed, I passed, I passed, I passed! I got a D-! I passed! [showing off his exam to anyone and everyone] I got a D-! I passed! I got a D-! I passed! I passed! I... ... ... kissed the teacher! Yuck! Ptuu! Ick!

— Bart rejoices when he passes his test, "Bart Gets an F"

Homer: We're proud of you, boy! Bart: Thanks Dad. But part of this D minus belongs to God...

— Posting Bart's test on the refrigerator, "Bart Gets an F"

Hello everyone. You know, Hallowe'en is a very strange holiday. Personally, I don't understand it. Mm mm... Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be devils. Oooh, things on TV that are <completely> inappropriate for younger viewers. Things like the following half hour. Nothing seems to bother <my> kids. But tonight's show, which I totally wash my hands of, is really scary. So if you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them into bed early tonight instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for your attention.

— Marge's disclaimer, "Treehouse of Terror"

Ooh, what a haul this year. I <love> Hallowe'en!

— Homer returns from a night of trick-or-treating, "Treehouse of Terror"

Prime location, eighteen bedrooms, moat...

— Marge admires the family's new mansion, "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Horror"

House: Geeettt ooouuuttt... Marge: What on earth was that? Homer: Probably just the house settling.

— The Simpsons buy a haunted house, "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Horror"

Mm... This kitchen <certainly> could use a woman's touch.

— Marge discovers a blood-covered kitchen in their new home, "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Horror"

Lisa: It looks like a vortex. A gateway into another dimension. Homer: Oooh, a vortex. [takes an orange and tosses it in] Catch! [the orange disappears with a pop] Heeeeey! Pretty slick! [a crumpled-up piece of paper comes back] Lisa: [reads the message] "Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension."

— "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Horror"

Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension.

— A message from the beyond, "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Horror"

Lisa: I can feel an evil presence in this house. Marge: Evil!? Homer: Quiet, Lisa. You're scaring your mother.

— First things first, "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Horror"

It's only natural there be <some> things wrong with an old house like this. It's a fixer-upper!

— Homer explains the family's new (haunted) house, "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Horror"

House: They are all against you, Bart... You must kill them all... They all must die... Bart: Are you my conscience? House: I... [pause] ... Yes, I am.

— A conversation with the... "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Terror"

This family's had its differences, and we've squabbled, but we never had knife fights before.

— Marge, after the infamous knife scene, "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Horror"

Lisa: It's an ancient Indian burial ground... Bart: Man, this place has got everything!

— "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Horror"

Mr. Bloot? Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS BUILT ON AN INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! ... NO YOU DIDN'T! ... Well, that's not <my> recollection. ... Yeah? Well, all right, goodbye! [angrily hangs up] He said he mentioned it five or six times.

— Homer, "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Horror"

You will diiiiieeeee. You will die slowwwwwwwly. Your stomach will swelllllllll, your intestines will wriiiithe and booooil. Your eeeeeyes will buuuuurn. And some horrible stuuuuuuuff, possibly your braiiiiin, will start coming out through your noooooooose

— A house that knows how to get its point across, "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Horror"

Bart: Do it again! House: What? Bart: Make the walls bleed. House: No! Bart: Hey, man, we own you. Let's see some blood! House: I don't have to entertain <you>. Bart: Come on, man, do it. Do the blood thing. Come on, do it. Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it!

— Bart talks to the ... "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Hm... Life with the Simpsons. What choice do I have? [self-destructs]

— The House, "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Bitchin'!

— Bart watches the house self-destruct, "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Terror"

It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us. One can't help but feel a little rejected.

— Lisa, "Bad Dream House" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Alien: Greetings. I am Kang. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm. Marge: You, you speak English. Alien: I am actually speaking Rigelian. By an astonishing coincidence, both of our languages are exactly the same.

— The Simpsons are abducted by aliens, "Hungry Are the Damned" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Look, I know that to you, we Simpsons are a lower order of life. We face that prejudice every day of our lives...

— Lisa pleads for mercy from the aliens, "Hungry Are the Damned" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Radish rosettes! These are hard to make. They're a very advanced race.

— Marge admires the aliens' food, "Hungry Are the Damned" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Alien: [drooling] Your wife is quite a... dish. Homer: Oooh, thanks.

— "Hungry Are the Damned" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Alien: On this cable system, we receive over one million channels from the furthest reaches of the galaxy. Bart: Do you get HBO? Alien: No, that would cost extra.

— Showing the flying saucer's entertainment center, "Hungry Are the Damned" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Alien 1: Anyone from a species that has mastered intergalactic travel raise your hand. [raises his tentacle] Alien 2: [raises his tentacle] Bart: [raises his hand] Homer: [slaps Bart's hand] Alien 1: All right, then. Marge: I'm sorry. Your game is very nice.

— After the Simpsons chuckle at the `Pong' video game on the UFO, "Hungry Are the Damned" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Nobody, but NOBODY eats the Simpsons!

— Homer, "Hungry Are the Damned" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Alien: We offered you paradise. You would have experienced emotions a hundred times greater than what you call love. And a thousand times greater than what you call fun. You would have been treated like gods and lived forever in beauty. But, now, because of your distrustful nature, that can never be. Marge: [aside] Mmmm. For a superior race, they really rub it in.

— "Hungry Are the Damned" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Lisa, see what we mean when we say you're too smart for your own good?

— Marge, after Lisa ruins things yet again, "Hungry Are the Damned" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Narrator: While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. Homer: 'Tis some visiter, Narrator: I muttered, Homer: tapping at my chamber door--- Only this and nothing more. Bart: Are we scared yet?

— Lisa reads "The Raven" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Narrator: Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer, Homer: Sir, Narrator: said I, Homer: or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, That I scarce was sure I heard you Narrator: ---here I opened wide the door;--- Homer: [throws open the door and covers his eyes] Bart: [impatiently] This better be good. Homer: [peeks through his fingers] Narrator: Darkness there and nothing more. Homer: Huh?

— "The Raven" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Homer: Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou, Narrator: I said, Homer: art sure no craven, Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore--- Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore! Narrator: Quoth the Raven Bart/Raven: Eat my shorts!

— "The Raven" in "Treehouse of Terror"

Bart: Lisa, that wasn't scary. Not even for a poem. Lisa: Well it was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to scare back then. Bart: Oh, yeah. Like when you look at "Friday the Thirteenth, Part 1". Pretty tame by today's standards.

— Lisa reads "The Raven", "Treehouse of Terror"

Homer: There's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of how he became a loser, and I never want that to happen to me. Barney: Please, Homer? Moe: Yeah, come on, Homer. Homer: Well, okay.

— Homer becomes one of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of how he became a loser, "Dancin' Homer"

[police sirens wail in the distance] Heh, I think we lost 'em. Hey, and we're at the ballpark! Awright! Two birds with one stone!

— Otto drives the bus to the ballpark, "Dancin' Homer"

Homer: You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight may make it to the big leagues someday. Bart: What? Aren't we going to see any washed-up major-leaguers? Homer: Sure! We get a nice mix here.

— At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, "Dancin' Homer"

Marge: Last year you got a little rambunction and mooned the poor umpire. Homer: Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it also gives me the right, no, the duty! to make a complete ass of myself. Marge: Mph.

— At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, "Dancin' Homer"

Burns: Ah, the Gammels. Good to see you. Mr.G.: You're an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir. Burns: Well, take your mind off contaminants for one night and have a hot dog! [laughs]

— Out of the frying pan... "Dancin' Homer"

Burns: Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps! Homer: Uh, it's Simp-son, sir. Burns: Eh? [refers to the index card] Oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and uh, `expecting'.

— At Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night "Dancin' Homer"

Marge: Here you go, Bart. Bart: [reads the inscription] Springfield Kozy Kourt Motel, Room 26, How about it? -- Flash. Homer: Wow! Flash Baylor came onto my wife! You've still got the magic, Marge.

— Marge gets a baseball autographed, "Dancin' Homer"

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight's first ball, the man whose name is synonymous with our nation's safest and cleanest energy source, Mr. Montgomery Burns! [isolated smatterings of applause] Smithers: Oh, they love you, sir.

— At the ballpark, "Dancin' Homer"

Ah, sitting with the employees. I guess this proves I'm their friend. Tsk, get me something on an aisle, Smithers, I don't want to be <surrounded> by them...

— Monty Burns joins his employees at the ball game, "Dancin' Homer"

Wait a minute, we're not having a drug test tomorrow, are we?

— Homer suspects a trap when Burns buys him a beer at the ball game, "Dancin' Homer"

Big Bill McCloskey coming up. As soon as he pops out, we'll go right to the post-game show.

— Dan Horde calls the game between the 'Topes and Shelbyville, "Dancin' Homer"

And I got up in front of them. I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle!

— Homer narrates his story, "Dancin' Homer"

Our lives have taken an odd turn.

— Lisa comments on Homer's goofy costume as... "Dancin' Homer"

Homer: Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for your nachos! Lisa+Bart: All right! Marge: [disapprovingly] Mmm.

— Homer takes the kids to the ballpark dressed as... "Dancin' Homer"

For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me, they were laughing <towards> me!

— Homer narrates his story, "Dancin' Homer"

A Simpson on a T-shirt. I never thought I'd see the day...

— Marge reacts disapprovingly to Homer's likeness on a T-shirt, "Dancin' Homer"

S! P! R! I! N! G! F! E! E! L! D!! Springfield!!!!!

— Homer spells out the town name while dressed as... "Dancin' Homer"

Tex: Why don't you talk it over with your family? Homer: Because they might say no.

— Homer learns he's being promoted to work for the Capital City team, "Dancin' Homer"

This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced. I should've listened to the kids instead of my big, dumb wife. Oh, I shouldn't have called her that. Bite my tongue. Bite my tongue. Mmph. Ow!

— Homer narrates his story, "Dancin' Homer"

Lisa: I can't leave Springfield! I was born here and I thought I would die here! Homer: It won't be so bad. You'll die someplace else.

— On moving to Capital City, "Dancin' Homer"

We're simple people with simple values. Capital City is too big and too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us.

— Lisa lists some reasons not to move to Capital City, "Dancin' Homer"

Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger!

— Lisa gives in and agrees to move to Capital City, "Dancin' Homer" [paraphrasing Nietzsche]

Sure, what would you like? Four years? Five years.

— Homer's supervisor grants him a leave of absence, "Dancin' Homer"

Ned: I don't know how to say this, but uh... Homer: Oh, knock it off, Flanders; don't start blubbering on me. I'll miss you too.... [aside] not.

— Homer prepares to move to Capital City, "Dancin' Homer"

Lisa: I can't help but fell that if we had gotten to know each other better, my leaving would actually have meant something. Friends: Yeah.

— Lisa bids farewell to her classmates, "Dancin' Homer"

Kids, look! Street crime!

— Homer drives the family through Capital City, "Dancin' Homer"

Bart was strangely quiet. Later, he explained he was confused by feelings of respect for me. It wouldn't last.

— Homer narrates his story, "Dancin' Homer"

Goof: What exactly do you have planned for us? Homer: Well, I get up and dance, and I spell out the name of the city, all to the tune of `Baby Elephant Walk'. Goof: Ah, Mancini. The mascot's best friend.

— Homer and the Capital City Goofball plan their strategy, "Dancin' Homer"

Well, hello again, everybody. Dave Glass talking at ya. We've got great weather here tonight, under the dome...

— Calling the baseball game, "Dancin' Homer"

Homer: [narrating] I was too tense to enjoy the game. Every ounce of concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand. Vendor: Red hots! Getcher red hots here! Homer: Ooh, red hots!

— "Dancin' Homer"

Oh, what a family. My wife and kids stood by me. On the way home, I realized how little that helped...

— Homer narrates his story, "Dancin' Homer"

Live, from the Springfield Center for the Performing Arts, the wrestling match of the century!

— Announcer, "Bart the Daredevil"

Announcer: Rasputin, the friendly Russian! Millhouse: Didn't he use to be the Mad Russian? Lisa: Yes, but I'm afraid the forces of history have changed wrestling, perhaps forever.

— "Bart the Daredevil"

[in the Simpsons' living room, watching a wrestling match] Bart: If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match. Lisa: Oh, Bart, I hope you're not taking this seriously. Even a 5-year-old knows that this is as choreographed as any ballet! [in Moe's tavern] Homer: Eh, Rasputin's got the reach, but on the other hand, the Professor's got his patented coma lock. If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match.

— Great minds think alike, "Bart the Daredevil"

Rasputin is spinning the professor like an autogyro. That's <got> to be disorienting...

— Announcer for wrestling match, "Bart the Daredevil"

If you miss this, you'd better be dead... or in jail... And if you're in jail, break out!

— Announcer for "Truck-a-Saurus", "Bart the Daredevil"

Homer: I have an announcement to make. As a family growth thing, Bart and I think we should all go to the monster truck rally this Saturday. Lisa: Aren't you forgetting something? Homer: Uh... Monster truck rally... Growth thing. No, I don't think so.

— at the dinner table, "Bart the Daredevil"

I'll be playing my first solo! If you miss it on Saturday, I'd advise you to start looking for a child therapist on Sunday.

— Lisa, "Bart the Daredevil"

Oh cruel Fate! Why do you mock me?

— Homer, "Bart the Daredevil"

Skinner: Tonight, Sherberts, oops, heh heh, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Homer: Oh good, unfinished. This shouldn't take long. Marge: Mmmmm.

— music recital, "Bart the Daredevil"

Flanders: [weeping at his son's solo] My son! My son! Homer: Come on Flanders, he's not <that> bad.

— music recital, "Bart the Daredevil"

I reached him!

— Lisa, on Homer humming the 1812 Overture while driving recklessly, "Bart the Daredevil"

Let the destruction begin!

— Homer, at the Monster Truck Rally, "Bart the Daredevil"

The world's greatest daredevil, the man who's no stranger to danger, if he's not in action, he's in traction... Captain Lance Murdoch!

— Announcer at Monster Truck Rally, "Bart the Daredevil"

Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children. I'm glad you're all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death. Tonight, my most dangerous stunt. I will death-defy both nature and gravity by leaping over this tank of water, filled with man-eating great white sharks, deadly electric eels, ravenous piranha, bone-crushing alligators, and perhaps most frightening of all, the king of the jungle, one ferocious lion! [a lion is added to the pool] Heh heh heh. I almost forgot. To add a real element of danger, one drop of human blood. [pricks his finger, one drop of blood falls in, the pool bubbles furiously] And in case I don't survive, let me just say, seat belts save lives, so buckle up!

— Captain Lance Murdoch, at the Monster Truck Rally, "Bart the Daredevil"

Ladies and gentlemen, the ten-year old who's brave and bold, when he's not in class, he's risking his ass, the world's greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson!

— Announcer in Bart's dream, "Bart the Daredevil"

Bart: Dad, I want to be a daredevil. Homer: Heh heh heh. Kids say such stupid things.

— "Bart the Daredevil"

Lewis: Oh no, he's hurt. ?: Bad. Millhouse: Let's get out of here!

— kids after Bart hurts himself doing a stunt, "Bart the Daredevil"

Marge: Are you all right? Bart: Better than all right. I got stitches! [lifts the bandage] Homer+Lisa: Ewwwww.

— in the hospital, "Bart the Daredevil"

Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt by imitating stunts they saw on television, movies, and the legitimate stage.

— Dr. Hibert, "Bart the Daredevil"