Movie Trivia

Marge: [sits upright, holding the covers to her neck] Oh, my goodness! Kids! Homer! We're late for church. [drops covers, revealing her church clothes] I'm glad I dressed last night. Homer: Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed. Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week. Homer: Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God. Marge: Mmmm.

— "In Marge We Trust"

Marge: Hey, calm down. You're wrinkling your church clothes. Homer: Who cares? This is the best part of the week. Lisa: It's the longest possible time before more church! Marge: Church shouldn't be a chore; it should help you in your daily life. Homer: It should but it doesn't. Now, who's going with Daddy to the dump? Bart + Lisa: Me! Me! Marge: The dump? Homer: We're going to get rid of the Christmas tree. It's starting to turn brown. [pan to the tree, which is now a brown, dry pile of needles and kindling] Wanna come with? Marge: No, no, I don't feel like going to a trash pile today. Homer: It's your life. We'll bring you back something nice. [Homer and Bart carry out the remains of the tree]

— "In Marge We Trust"

Lovejoy: Can you believe it? They give you five "Q"s and only two "U"s. What a world. Marge: That's crazy. Lovejoy: So, what's on your mind, Marge? [cut to Lovejoy's office] Marge: Sermons about constancy and provicitude [?] are all very well and good, but the church could be doing so much more to reach out to people. Lovejoy: Oh, I don't see you volunteering to make things better. Marge: Well, okay, I will volunteer. Lovejoy: I wasn't prepared for that.

— Be careful what you ask for, "In Marge We Trust"

Homer: Okay, who's up for some scrounging? [begins to scrounge, coming up with a basketball, deflated into a bowl-like shape] Hey, here's a perfectly good basketball hat. Lisa: I found a Malibu Stacey with no head. [a rat pops up from Stacey's torso] Aah! [drops Stacey] Homer: [laughs. A raccoon emerges from the "basketball hat" and attacks Homer] Aah! Oh, my God! Help me Lisa!

— When Animals Attack, "In Marge We Trust"

Lisa: What the heck is that? Bart: Maybe it's a box from the future. Lisa: It looks Japanese. Homer: What's going on? Wha -- why am I on a Japanese box? [babbles worriedly]

— Bart uncovers a mystery, "In Marge We Trust"

Marge: All done. I swept the aisles and put all the collection plates in the dishwasher. Oh -- and you wouldn't believe how many dead pigeons there were in the organ. Lovejoy: Marge, you are a real timesaver. Do you know, thanks to you, that I discovered a form of shame that's gone unused for 700 years? Marge: [impressed] Wow. [phone rings, and Lovejoy answers on speakerphone] Lovejoy: Lovejoy here. Skinner: [on phone] Reverend, this is Principal Skinner. I'm facing a crisis, and I didn't know to whom to turn. Lovejoy: All right. Skinner: Mother's gone too far -- she's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented "Man Without a Face" -- I didn't even know we had a problem! What should I do? Lovejoy: Well, maybe you should read your Bible. Skinner: Um, any particular passage? Lovejoy: Oh, it's all good.

— Timeless advice, "In Marge We Trust"

Flanders: Reverend, I'm, uh, I'm afraid something terrible has happened. Lovejoy: Well, sit down and rap with me brother, that's what I'm here for. Flanders: [sits] I was talked into doing a dance called "The Bump," but my hip slipped and my ... my buttocks came into contact with the ... buttocks of another young man. Lovejoy: [pause] I ... see. [voice-over] Then the calls began. [dissolve to shot of the Reverend at the dinner table, on the phone with Flanders] Flanders: Well, I, I think I may be coveting my own wife. [cut to shot of Reverend playing with a small train set] I'm meek but, I could probably stand to be meeker. [cut to shot of the Lovejoys in Paris] I, I ... I think I may have swallowed a toothpick. Lovejoy: Finally, I just stopped caring. Luckily, by then it was the Eighties, and no one noticed.

— Reverend Lovejoy's cautionary tale, "In Marge We Trust"

Marge: But you can't let a few bad experiences sour you on helping people. Lovejoy: Oh, sure I can. [the phone rings] [shudders] You handle it. [leaves] Marge: Me? But I, I, wait I can't, I ... [picks up phone] Hello? [the screen splits to reveal that Moe is on the other end] Moe: Yeah, hi, I'm calling for Reverend Lovejoy. Who is this? Marge: Oh, well, this is um, the uh ... The Listen Lady. Moe: Yeah, well listen, lady, I got so many problems I, I don't even know where to begin here. Marge: Okay ... um, why don't you start from the top? Moe: All righty. Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live. Marge: Aw, that's ridiculous Moe. You've got lots to live for. Moe: Really? That's not what Reverend Lovejoy's been telling me. Wow, you're good, thanks. [hangs up] [the phone rings. Moe has called back] Moe: Hi, it's me again. I've got another problem. Uh, this one's about my cat. [a cat yowls in the background] Yeah, shut up, I'm asking her!

— "In Marge We Trust"

Marge: Homer! Will you get that crazy box of off the dinner table? It came from the dump. Homer: But Marge, I'm obsessed with it. Where did it come from? What is it a box of? How'd my face get on it? Bart: Hey, if they got a picture of you, that means they can *see* you. They're probably watching us right now. Marge: That's ridiculous. Nobody is watching us right now. [family stares nervously at the camera for a few seconds]

— Nobody but the Neilsens, "In Marge We Trust"

Akira: [on phone] Hai ... Hai ... Hai ... Bye. [hangs up and turns to Homer, Bart, Lisa] Hi. Homer: Akira, can you read this for me? [hands Akira the box] Akira: [reading] Ah, yes. This is a product called, "Mr. Sparkle." Very popular dish detergent. Hey, [points to box illustration] he looks like you. Ah! Ah - ha! Ah! Ah! Lisa: What's he saying? Akira: He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts. Lisa: Wow. Akira: Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forests of Hokkaido, renowned for its countless soap factories. Homer: [thoughtfully] Hokkaido, eh?

— Yes, the land of sparkly clean forests, "In Marge We Trust"

Lenny: See, all along I've been telling Carl I'm married to a beauty queen. Now, he's coming over for dinner. Marge: Oh, Lenny, I'm sure he'll like your wife no matter what she looks like. Lenny: No, no, no, no, no, it's worse than that. I don't even have a wife. I just said I did to, you know, be a big shot. Marge: Oh. Well, it's time to start telling the truth. Now, when I have to tell my husband the truth, I cook him a big, delicious dinner. By the time he's done eating, he's too full and tired to care what I have to say. Lenny: Wow, that's great! When Carl comes over, I'll stuff him 'till he don't know what's what. [Lenny leaves the office. The camera tracks him to the hall, where we see that quite a line of advice-seekers has formed] Agnes: Seymour, I'm getting tired. Tell them we're going next. Skinner: Well, I'm not principal of the line, mother. Agnes: [accusingly] And you never will be.

— Marge has her work cut out for her, "In Marge We Trust"

Lovejoy: Hmmm. I'm a shepherd without a flock. [looks heavenward] What have I done to lose them? St. Eleutherius:[comes to life in a stained glass window, surrounded by a bright light] The real question is: What have you done to keep them? Lovejoy: [gasps] St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia! St. Eleutherius:That's my name, don't wear it out. St. Bartholomew:To inspire men, you must be brave. I introduced Christianity to Mongolia. It didn't take, but it was worth a try. St. Lucian: Tell us, good Reverend, what great deeds have you done to inspire the hearts of men? Lovejoy: Well, I had the vestibule recarpeted. St. Donickus: I've appeared in over eight thousand visions, and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard. Lovejoy: Oh, now please, I, I thought saints were supposed to be friendly. St. Donickus: You ... you're just lucky God isn't here. [the light fades, and the saints return to their repose on the windows]

— A disturbing vision, "In Marge We Trust"

"Attention, HO-scale passengers. The dining car is closed. Root beer is still available, but the cost is now six-fifty. If the passengers will look to their right, you will see a sad man. That is all."

— Reverend Lovejoy, "In Marge We Trust"

Lisa: Look, we got a package from the Mr. Sparkle company in Japan. Homer: Ooh! [opens package, but only Styrofoam packing peanuts spill out. He holds the package up to his eye. A videotape tumbles out and bonks Homer in the face] Ow! Lisa: It's a videotape. Homer: Put it in! Put it in! [Lisa does so. The video opens with a shot of a heavyset man lounging in a sunken bathtub, the kind often seen in Japan. He puts down the cigar long enough to address the camera] Man: [heavily accented] Oh, hello, American investor. I see you are interested in distributing Mr. Sparkle in you home prefecture. You have chosen wisely. But please -- don't believe me. Observe this commercial. [begin commercial. A Japanese housewife wearing semi- futuristic (in the "Jetsons" mode) clothing loads a dishwasher. She pulls out a whistle, which summons Mr. Sparkle. His head jumps off the Mr. Sparkle box, and floats in mid-air. True to his name, bright sparkles fill the air] Mr. Sparkle: [in Japanese; subtitled] I'm disrespectful to dirt. Can you see that I am serious? [having no arms or legs, Mr. Sparkle scrubs the dishes clean by rubbing up and down with his head. The housewife is delighted with her clean dinnerware. Mr. Sparkle flies into the next room, where a baby is playing with a toy xylophone. He amuses the child by bouncing on a few keys, and then flies off. In the next scene, he appears deep beneath the ocean, where a trio of dancing women hang out (where else?) on the sea floor.] Mr. Sparkle: Out of my way, all of you. This is no place for loafers! Join me or die! Can you do any less? Women: What a brave corporate logo! I accept the challenge of Mr. Sparkle. Woman #1: Awesome power! [an inset box appears in the upper left corner of the screen, showing a windup monkey toy banging a drum. Mr. Sparkle demonstrates his awesome power by blowing up a strong wind of heart-shaped symbols. The wind transforms the dancing women into Sumo wrestlers. (I am not convinced this is an improvement.) Mr. Sparkle flies over a cow pasture. A reporter is interviewing a two-headed cow.] Reporter: What are your plans for summer vacation? [the cow spots Mr. Sparkle floating overhead, and is so surprised she shatters. Her four eyes hover in mid-air for a second, then fall to the ground and blink. Cut to a screen where Japanese slogans spiral to a vanishing point at the center of the screen. Mr. Sparkle appears at the center and heads toward the camera, rotating in the opposite direction.] Announcer: For lucky best wash, use Mr. Sparkle. [Mr. Sparkle blinks. Homer, Bart, and Lisa don't quite know what to make of this] Bart: Bor-ring! Homer: That didn't explain anything. All I know is that they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo. There's no other explanation. Lisa: Wait, look! [cut to the TV screen again] Announcer: [in English] Mr. Sparkle. A joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks [a smiling fish appears on the left half of the screen] and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern [a light bulb appears on the right half of the screen. The two logos meld to form -- Mr. Sparkle!] Lisa: Hey! It was all a coincidence. Bart: Yep. There's your answer, fishbulb. Homer: Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home. Bart: We are home. Homer: That was fast.

— Mystery solved -- 100 per cent! "In Marge We Trust"

Lovejoy: [walks into the room] Yes, Marge? Marge: Reverend, I gave Ned Flanders some bad advice. Now he could be in real trouble. Lovejoy: [exasperated] What happened now? Did he swallow a paper clip? Marge: No, he's disappeared. Oh, I'm in way over my head. I mean, where do the helpers turn when they need help? [Lovejoy looks out the basement window. As if on cue, a bright light streams through the glass and an organ can be heard. The camera pulls back to reveal that Marge has accidentally backed into the keyboard] Marge: Eh? [stands up] Sorry.

— "In Marge We Trust"

Marge: Donny? Donny: What? Marge: Did you see a man being chased by some young hooligans? Donny: I see lots of stuff. Lisa: Did you see that? Donny: Yes. [points to the zoo across the street]

— Mr. Observant, "In Marge We Trust"

Jimbo: Muh. Looks like we lost him. Dolph: Yeah. Well, we proved our point. He'll think twice next time he tries to defend his business. Kearney: [yawns] I'm sleepy. Let's go to school. [the trio motors off] [camera pans to Flanders hiding in the bushes] Flanders: They're leaving. The ordeal is over. [a baboon jumps onto the bushes. Ned screams]

— Spoke too soon, Ned, "In Marge We Trust"

Flanders: Help, what do I do? Lisa: Play dead! Homer: No! Run around in circles! Bart: No, act like a lion! Marge: Swipe at the dominant male! Come on, Ned, knock that monkey down!

— Sure could use the Listen Lady at a time like this, "In Marge We Trust"

Marge: You've got to get him out of there. Zookeeper: Jeez, I'd like to, but if they don't kill the intruder, it's really bad for their society. Bart: They're going to kill him? Zookeeper: Eventually. First, they'll eat his skin. [the family gasps in horror] Homer: Ew.

— Stuff they don't show on "National Geographic" specials, "In Marge We Trust"

"Say your prayers, you heathen baboon!"

— Reverend Lovejoy, "In Marge We Trust"

Bart: Wow. Lisa: Oh, those poor monkeys. Marge: They started it.

— Putting the blame where it belongs, "In Marge We Trust"

Flanders: You saved me, Reverend. You really went above and beyond. Thank you. Lovejoy: Oh, don't thank me, thank Marge Simpson. She taught me that there's more to being a minister than not caring about people. Flanders: [chuckles] Amen.

— Yeah, there's also beating up monkeys, "In Marge We Trust"

Lovejoy: Baboons to the left of me. Baboons to the right. The speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of the great apes rose up at me but -- bam, bam! -- I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me ... [imitates hissing baboon] [quietly resolved] ... and that's when I got mad. Homer: Now, that's religion.

— Amen, "In Marge We Trust"

Brockman: ... means death for us all. And now, "Kent's People!" Tonight's inspiring story is about Frank Grimes, a thirty- five-year-old Springfieldite who has earned everything the hard way, but never let adversity get him down. [the footage shifts to grainy footage of Grimes as a boy] Abandoned by his parents at age four, Frank never got to go to school. [we see Frank through the rear window of a car. He recedes into the distance as the car drives off. A hand waves, "goodbye"] [cut to a still black-and-white photo of young Grimes in a delivery uniform] He spent his childhood years as a delivery boy, delivering toys to more fortunate children. [another picture, this one of Grimes handing a package to a boy. A tuxedo-wearing man stands in the doorway] Then, on his eighteenth birthday, he was blown up in a silo explosion. [cut to a far shot of a Grimed running into a silo, which goes ka-boom] [Grimes rests on a hospital bed, in traction and plastered from head to toe in bandages] During his long recuperation he taught himself to hear and feel pain again. [black-and-white shot of Grimes at his desk, surrounded by textbooks] As the years passed, he used his few leisure moments each day to study science by mail. And, last week, Frank Grimes, the man who had to struggle for everything he ever got, received his correspondence school diploma in nuclear physics -- with a minor in determination. [a postman hands Grimes his diploma. Grimes holds it triumphantly in the air, where an eagle tries to fly off with it. Grimes fights him off]

— Are you inspired yet? "Homer's Enemy"

Burns: Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television. He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car, then pushed a criminal in front of it. Find this dog. I want to make him my executive vice president. Smithers: Uh, yes sir. In the meantime, here's Frank Grimes. [Grimes offers his hand, but Burns just stares blankly] The, the self-made man? Burns: What? Oh, yes, that fellow. Mmmm, put him somewhere out of the way, and find that dog! Smithers: Yes sir. [leaves, taking Grimes with him]

— How quickly they forget, "Homer's Enemy"

Carl: You new? Grimes: Yes. My name is Frank Grimes. Lenny: I'm Lenny. This is Carl and Homer. I'm Lenny. Grimes: How do you do. Homer: [picks up one of Grimes' pencils, spilling the rest onto his desk] Wow, you've got pencils with your name on them -- just like a pencil company executive. I'd give anything for one of these. Grimes: [tugs the pencil back out of Homer's hand] Any office supply company can have them made up for you. Homer: Can I have this one? [tries to tug it back] Grimes: No. Homer: Can [thinks] Lenny have it? [tries it again] Grimes: No.

— Are you sure you want to work here? "Homer's Enemy"

Grimes: Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one. Lenny: Oh yeah, Carl and I each have a masters'. [chuckles] Of course, old Homer, he didn't need a degree. He just showed up the day they opened the plant. Homer: I didn't even know what a nuclear panner plant was. Grimes: Um, [forced laugh] yeah. Well, listen, I'm sure, you all have a lot of work to do. Lenny + Carl: [shrug] Eh. [the two leave] [Grimes turns around, and is startled to see that Homer is still there] Homer: Hey, you seem like a great guy, so I'll give you a little tip. If you turn that security camera around, you can sleep and no one will ever know. Grimes: eh, I don't think we're being paid to sleep. Homer: Oh yeah, they're always trying to screw ya. [leaves] Grimes: [shudders in amazement]

— The secret of my success, "Homer's Enemy"

Homer: [to Grimes, who's walking by] Hiya Stretch, what's the good word? Grimes: My name is "Grimes," uh, Simpson, Frank Grimes. I took the trouble to learn your name, so the least you could do is learn mine. Homer: Okay, Grimey.

— Should've quit while you were ahead, Grimey, "Homer's Enemy"

Homer: So, how's it going, Grimey? Grimes: I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my office, Simpson. Homer: [laughs] Wish I had a nickel every time I heard that. [walks around idly, making annoying sounds] [off key] Take me out to the ball-game, take me out to the ballll ... So, what's new, Grimey? [alarms blare and red lights go on at Homer's work station] Grimes: Simpson, you've got a 513. [Homer looks at his watch] Grimes: No, a 513. In your procedures manual -- a 513? {Homer looks at his watch again] Grimes: [points] Look at your control panel. Homer: [looks] Oh, a five THIR-teen. I'll handle it. [calmly walks next door, takes a bucket of water and pours it on the console. This shorts it out and silences the alarms] That got it. [Grimes looks through the window, aghast]

— "Homer's Enemy"

Bart: [leaning out the window] Hey, Milhouse! You want a job in my factory? Milhouse: You don't a have a factory. Bart: Hey, I'm a busy man. You want a job or not? Milhouse: Okay! [runs up to join Bart]

— "Homer's Enemy"

Grimes: God, he eats like a pig. Lenny: I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck. Grimes: Well, some kind of farm animal anyway. And earlier today, I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit. Can you imagine that he, he was hanging from a coat hook. Lenny: He had three beers at lunch. That would make anybody sleepy. Grimey: I've never seen him do any work around here ... what, what is his job? Lenny: Safety inspector. Grimes: That irresponsible oaf? A man who by all rights should have been killed dozens of times by now? Lenny: Three hundred and sixteen times by my count. Grimes: That's the man who's in charge of our safety. It, it boggles the mind. Carl: It's best not to think about it.

— Good advice, "Homer's Enemy"

Homer: Hi, Grimey old buddy. Grimes: I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you! Stay the hell away from me, because from now on, we're enemies! [turns to leave] Homer: Okay. Do I have to do anything?

— And that's how he became ... "Homer's Enemy"

Homer: Oh, I can't believe it, I got an enemy. Me the most beloved man in Springfield. Moe: Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither. Homer: No, I won't accept that. Moe: No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper] Barney: [takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Shore, Jack Anderson ... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours. Moe: Okay, gimmie that, gimmie it back. [takes list] [writes] Barney Gumble. Barney: Oh.

— "Moe's Enemy," uh, I mean, "Homer's Enemy"

Homer: Oh, what am I going to do? Moe: Uh, why don't you invite him over. Turn him from an enemy to a friend. Then when he's not expecting it -- bam! -- the ol' fork in the eye. Homer: Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye? Moe: There's always a first time.

— How to win friends and influence people, "Homer's Enemy"

Homer: Welcome to the Simpson residence or "casa de Simpson," as I call it. Grimes: Yeah, what did you want to see me about, Simpson? This better be important. Homer: It is, it is, but first, let me introduce you to my family, my perfect family. This is my wife Marge... Marge: Hello. Homer: ... and our beautiful baby ... Maggie: [sucks pacifier] Homer: ... my daughter Lisa, I. Q. 156 ... Lisa: [curtsies] Hi. Homer: See? And my son Bart; [Bart winks] he owns a factory downtown. Grimes: How do you do. Uh, look Homer, I'm, I'm late for my night job at the foundry so if you don't mind telling m-- [trails off as he looks around the casa de Simpson. The camera momentarily shifts to Grime's point of view and gives us a 360-degree look at the family's living room] Good Heavens! This is a palace! H-How can, how in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson? Homer: I dunno. Don't as me how the economy works. Grimes: Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I -- I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley. Homer: Wow. Grimes: [notices some pictures on the wall] I'm sorry, isn't that ... Homer: Yes, that's me, and the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. [gestures to other photos] And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. Grimes: You? Went into outer space? You? Homer: Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award? [holds up award] Grimes: No! I wouldn't! God, I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance? Homer: What? Grimes: Everything! A dream house! Two cars! A beautiful wife! A son who owns a factory! Fancy clothes and [sniffs air] lobsters for dinner. And do you deserve any of it? No! Homer: [gasps] What are you saying? Grimes: I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people like me. Heh, if you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago. Bart: He's got you there, dad. Grimes: You're a fraud. A total fraud. [leaves] [pokes his head in the door] [to Marge and the kids] It was nice meeting you. [leaves again, slamming the front door]

— A fork in the eye would have been an improvement, "Homer's Enemy"

Marge: Homer [knocks again] Homer, why aren't you at work? Homer: The car won't start. I don't feel very good today. I am at work. Marge: You're afraid to go to work because Frank Grimes will be there, aren't you? Homer: That's crazy talk. You're crazy, Marge. Get off the road! [honks horn] Marge: [gets in the car] You have to face him sometime, and when you do I'm sure he'll be just as anxious to make up as you are. Homer: No he won't, he hates me. Marge: He doesn't hate you. He just feels insecure because you're getting through life so easily, and it's been so difficult for him. Homer: Yeah, yeah, that's his problem, he's a nut! It's not about me being lazy, it's about him being a crazy nut. Marge: Well ... maybe. But I bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more, mmm, professional in your work. Homer: [gasps] Marge: Just a little more. Then he won't have any reason to resent you. Homer: I'll do it! [produces a bottle of that wonderful Duff] To professionalism! [drinks up]

— "Homer's Enemy"

Grimes: Can you believe that guy? He's in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional. Carl: Hey, what do you got against Homer, anyway? Grimes: Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease where you can't see that he's an idiot? Look here. [points out a chart tacked to the bulletin board] Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector, and, and meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no. Lenny: Eh, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils. Carl: Yeah, Homer's okay. Give him a break. Grimes: No! Homer is not okay. And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old. Lenny: [to Carl] So, how are you doing? [annoyed, Grimes leaves]

— Be careful what you wish for, "Homer's Enemy"

Lisa: Can I go downstairs and see what Dad's doing? Marge: I wouldn't bother him, honey. He's making some sort of model for a contest. He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand. Homer: [opens basement door] Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles?

— He's right, I don't understand, "Homer's Enemy"

Bart: Just a minute, van Houten. Somebody needs to guard this place at night so it doesn't get trashed. [offers a cap and baton] How'd you like to be night watchman? Milhouse: I'm sleepy. Bart: Ah, no problemo. Here's a nickel for the coffee machine. [hands a nickel over and leaves] [Milhouse deposits the nickel in the machine. It dispenses a cup, then a rat, then some coffee] Milhouse: [sips from the cup] So this is my life. At least I've done better than Dad.

— The scary part is, he's right, "Homer's Enemy"

Bart: Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman. Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.

— "Homer's Enemy"

... and the bold new ideas these tiny tykes unveil for us today could make thousands of jobs like yours -- obsolete!

— Mr. Burns, "Homer's Enemy"

Martin: Behold, the power plant of the future, today! Burns: Yuchh. Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart? Martin: But it really generates power. It, it's lighting this room right now. [turns a knob, dimming the auditorium lights] Burns: You lose -- get off my property.

— A hard man to impress, "Homer's Enemy"

Burns: Could you explain your model, young man? Grimes: [from audience] What's to explain? He's an idiot! Lenny: [from audience] Pipe down! Homer: Well basically, I just copied the plant we have now. Burns: [impressed] Hmmm. Homer: Then, I added some fins to lower wind resistance. [points to a stripe on the cooling tower] And this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp. Burns: Agreed. First prize. [gives Homer a blue ribbon, and some money] [cut to audience shot] Grimes: [stands up] What? Carl: Way to go, Homer! Lenny: You're number one, Homer! Grimes: But it, it was contest for children! Lenny: Yeah. And Homer beat their brains out! [audience cheers wildly]

— Now that's sportsmanship, "Homer's Enemy"

Grimes: Oh, I, I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you! [snaps mentally] Daahh! Aaah! [runs out of the auditorium, and into an equipment room] I can be lazy too! [takes his tie off, and moons one of the technicians] Look at me, I am a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion! [walks into the break room, and grabs two donuts from the box] Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds! [eats in an exaggeratedly slobbish fashion] [heads into a bathroom] [from bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise! [emerges from the bathroom and waves his hands in Homer's face] Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands. But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson! [runs to Homer's work station and spins around in the chair] I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! [slaps forehead on each "D'oh!"] Homer: Hey, you okay, Grimey? Grimes: I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson. Homer: [chuckles] You wish. Grimes: [notices Burns has walked in] Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster. [walks up to some dangerous-looking wires] What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp-- [zap]

— The untimely demise of, "Homer's Enemy"

Lovejoy: Frank Grimes, or "Grimey," as he liked to be called, taught us that a man can triumph over adversity. And even though Frank's agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short, I'm sure he's looking down on this right now ... [Lovejoy's voice fades as the camera pans to a sleeping Homer] Homer: [in sleep] Change the channel, Marge. [the mourners laugh] Lenny: That's our Homer!

— Funeral for a friend, "Homer's Enemy"

McClure: "Spinoff!" Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul? Hi, I'm Troy McClure. [begins walking] You may remember me from such TV spinoffs as "Son of Sanford and Son" and "AfterMannix." [he hits a dead end, and does an about face] I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television with a real treat for "Simpsons" fans (if any) because tonight we present, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase!"

— Troy McClure kicks off ... "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

McClure: Thirty-five new shows to fill a few holes in their programming lineup. [presents a schedule chart that's actually more holes than lineup] That's a pretty daunting task -- and the producers weren't up to it. Instead, they churned out three "Simpsons" spinoffs, transplanting already popular characters into new locales and situations. First up, a gritty crime drama starring Springfield's beloved Police Chief Wiggum. Keep at least one eye open because his best friends, the Simpsons, just might pop in to wish him luck. Let's us wish him luck too. Good luck, Wiggum! [salutes]

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Ah, New Orleans. The Big Easy. Sweet Lady Gumbo. Old ... Swampy

— Chief Wiggum, settling into his new town, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Skinner: Looks like you got an enemy, Chief. You know, folks here don't much care for law and order types. Wiggum: [picks the skull up with a pencil] Is that right? Maybe they'll change their minds once I arrest them for throwing skulls all over my floor. [puts the skull on his desk, dumps two fistfuls of pencils in the eye sockets, and leans back to admire his decorating skills]

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Wiggum: Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls ... two I suppose. Ralph: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot. Wiggum: You wear 'em until you learn, son. [kisses him goodnight]

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Prudhomme: I guar-an-tee! Skinner: Will you stop saying that! Wiggum: So Skinner, who do you figure threw that skull through my window. What's the word on the streets? Skinner: Well, to be honest Chief, I haven't lived in New Orleans for forty-two years. Although according to an article I read in "Parade" magazine ... Wiggum: Uh-huh. Skinner: ... a criminal by the name of "Big Daddy" runs this town. Wiggum: "Big Daddy," eh? Well, he won't feel so big if he messes with Chief Wiggum, P. I. again. Which I sincerely doubt he will.

— Doubting Clancy, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Skinner: Lucky for you this is just a warning gator. Next one won't be corked. [points to the corks blunting the alligator's teeth] Wiggum: [shouting into the night] Listen up, Big Daddy! You don't scare me! I'm three steps ahead of you! Skinner: Oh, Chief? Your boy has been kidnapped. Wiggum: Oh, God!

— So far ahead, he's behind, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Skinner: Big Daddy's trademark calling card -- it's right here inside the skull. Wiggum: [shakes the card out of the skull] Looks like we got our first case ever, Skinny Boy. And this time, it's personal.

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

"Chief Wiggum, P. I." will return -- right now!

— Announcer, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Wiggum: [picking up the phone] Who is this? Skinner: It's me, chief. I'm on the other extension. Big Daddy: Now you listen up mon ami, and you listen good, hear? The name's Daddy, Charles Daddy. Wiggum: Big Daddy! What have you done with my boy, Daddy? Big Daddy: Ah, the boy is fine -- so far. I taught him to play the spoons. [Ralph blissfully tries to play the spoons with his nose] If you ever want to see that boy again, I suggest you leave town today, hear? [hangs up] Wiggum: [hangs up] Sounds like there was some kind of party going on in the background. Are there any parties today, Skinner.? Skinner: Eh. Not really a party town. Though if I remember correctly they occasionally a function called Marty's ... something.

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Wiggum: If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans? Bart: Mardi Gras, man. When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges. Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop. Wiggum: Well golly, I'd love to chat but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you. Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair. Homer: Over there. [points to the crowd, where Big Daddy and Ralph are] Ralph: Look, Big Daddy, it's regular daddy. Big Daddy: The Chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run. [fans himself with his hat] Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so fat.

— The Simpsons make a guest appearance, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Wiggum: [whistles] What do you suppose the rent is on a hideout like that? Skinner: Ahh, it's not rented, Chief -- it's stolen. That's the Louisiana Governor's mansion; it's been missing for eight months.

— That explains why the Governor has been living in the Astrodome, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Wiggum: You! Big Daddy: Welcome to my maison, Chief. I've been expecting you. Wiggum: Is that so, Big Daddy? Well expect this: [draws gun] The arrest of you, by me. Big Daddy: New Orleans is my town. Nobody going to mess with me. I got interests, and I ain't talking about stamp collecting, though I do find that extremely interesting. Skinner: Oh yeah? That makes two of us. Big Daddy: You know, boys, there's an old saying down on the bayou that, uh, blah! [throws Ralph at Wiggum and Skinner]

— They're mighty eloquent down on the bayou, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Skinner: He's gradually getting away, Chief. Wiggum: Ah, let him go. I have the feeling we'll meet again, each and every week. Always in more sexy and exciting ways. Ralph: Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you. Skinner: Better start eating, kid. Wiggum: Start eating! [laughs] Ralph: I didn't mean it that way. [laughs]

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

McClure: [noticing he's on the air again] Oh, hi! Welcome back to our spinoff showcase. Could "The Simpsons" ever have maintained its popularity without Moe the bartender? Let's hope so, because Moe's leaving to do his own sitcom. But don't panic, he's taking a familiar sidekick with him. And his best friend Homer might just stop by to wish him luck. Let's take a peek!

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Barney: [finishing up his beer] Well, I gotta go. I got a date with the lady in front of the drug store who's always yelling things. [leaves] Moe: She told me she was washing her hair tonight. [sighs] I'm so desperately lonely. [the laugh track does its thing] Grampa: [voice only] Ah, quit your bellyaching, you big loser. Moe: Who, who said that? Grampa: I did! It's me, Abe Simpson. Moe: But you're d-d-d-dead. Grampa: I died, but I've came back as your love-testing machine. I'm the love-matic Grampa. Moe: [screams -- with a great facial expression, by the way]

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Singers: While shopping for some cans, An old man passed away. [fetches a can of figs down from the top shelf. The rest of the cans tumble onto him, then the shelf itself tips over] He floated up toward Heaven, But got lost along the way. [spectral Grampa, with angel wings rises from the debris. Unfortunately, a jetliner clips his wings and he falls from grace, landing in the love tester] Now he's the love-matic Grampa. [the title, surrounded by flashing marquis lights, appears] The wise Socratic Grampa. He'll fill our hearts with looooooove. [Moe shoves aside the word "Grampa" so he can fit on the screen. A cherub flies on-screen, but Moe flicks it off]

— "Love-Matic Grampa" theme song, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Grampa: Don't be afraid, Moe. I'm here to help you with your romantic problems. Moe: Hey, I don't need no advice from no pinball machine. I'll have you know I wrote the book on love. Grampa: Yeah. "All Quiet on the Western Front." [laugh track "Oohs"] Moe: Ah, kiss my dishrag. [studio audience laughter] Grampa: See, that's your problem, you're a crab. Ladies like sweet- talking. Moe: Hey, I'm sweet. I'm sweeter than Jewish wine. Grampa: Then prove it. I want you to charm the next pretty young thing that walks through that door. Homer: [coming through that door] Gr-r-reetings! [wild studio applause]

— Okay, the second pretty young thing, then, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Grampa: Son, it's me! I floated up toward Heaven but got lost along the way. Homer: [gasps] Dad, is that really you? Grampa: Darn tootin' you lousy creep! You buried me naked and sold my suit to buy a ping-pong table. What kind of a son ... [Grampa's tirade is interrupted when Homer pulls the plug] Homer: [leaving] Call me when you get a karaoke machine. [studio applause] [Moe plugs Grampa back in] Grampa: That's the second time he's pulled the plug on me.

— Homer's guest appearance on ... "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Grampa: [mechanically] Lovelorn. You need man. Moe near now. Go near Moe. Betty: What? Moe: "Go near Moe." I'd say that's a pretty strong endorsement. So how about you and me go out sometime? You know, out back. Grampa: [flashing the international sign for "no" on his display panel] Eh-eh-eh. Moe: I mean, ah, out to dinner, at a fancy French restaurant? Grampa: [flashing a heart on the panel] Ding! Betty: Sounds great. And if this love tester's as accurate as it looks, maybe we'll be having breakfast, too. [leaves, to studio audience "woo"-ing] Moe: You did it, Grampa! You really are a love expert. Grampa: Dang right. Fact is, I invented kissing. It was during World War I, and they were looking for a new way to spread germs... Moe: [turns to camera and shrugs]

— There goes our wacky Grampa, "The Simpsns Spinoff Showcase"

Moe: Sorry, Grampa, but I gotta stash ya in the bathroom so Betty won't get wise to us. [sets Grampa up between two urinals, and plugs him in] Grampa: This is not the evening I envisioned. Moe: Oh, jeez, she just got here. Gimme some advice, quick! Grampa: What the...? You know, just be sweet, pour on the honey, you know... Moe: Yeah, yeah, yeah, romantic. Ain't sunshine pretty, ain't flowers stupid, I got you. [heads out to meet Betty] Grampa: [sighs] I've suffered so long, why can't I die?

— You? Think of how the audience suffered, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Moe: You know what's great about you, Betty, is you're letting your looks go gracefully. You're not all hung up on looking attractive and desirable. It's just so rare and refreshing. Betty: So Moe, tell me a little about yourself. Moe: Myself? Uh, uh, Geez. Um, I gotta go to the can again. Betty: Eh? Moe: I got the runs.

— Moe De Bergerac, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Moe: Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone! Kearney: It said I was gay! [Kearney and Dolph leave to studio laughter] Moe: [setting up Grampa, and re-plugging him in] You all right, Grampa? Grampa: [dazed] ... oh, Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do ... Moe: Will you quit your clowning? I need help, here. Grampa: [still dazed] Tell her her rump's as big as the Queen's, and twice as fragrant. Moe: [doubtful] Okay.

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Moe: You are absolutely, positively, the dumbest haunted love tester that I have ever met! [pounds on Grampa] Betty: [walks in] What is going on in here? Moe: Um, uh, oh, oh, I might as well come clean with you. I ain't too good at talking to women and I really wanted to do you, so I brought along the love tester to help me. As you may have guessed, it's inhabited by the ghost of my friend's dead father. Betty: [angry] Why, you conniving, devious, monstrous, despicable, [impressed] sweet little angel! Moe: But Betty, if you'd just give me a chance ... [realizes] What? Betty: I can't believe you went to all that trouble for me. [kisses Moe, as the audience whoops it up again] Grampa: [lights up the "Casanova" sign] Ding, ding, ding, ding! Moe + Betty: Thanks, Grampa. Grampa: Yeah, yeah, now how's about introducing me to that cute little pay phone out front? [studio laughter]

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Singers: He's the love-matic Grampa And he filled our hearts with looooove! [the closing credits come up]

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

McClure: Welcome back! I'm talking with the curator of the museum of TV and Television, Mr. John Winslow. [Winslow is about to say something, but McClure gets up and leaves] In our final spinoff tonight, the Simpson family finally gets the chance to show off the full range of their talents. Unfortunately, one family member didn't want that chance and refused to participate. But thanks to some creative casting, you won't even notice. Show us what you got, TV!

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Brockman: Live from Radio City Music Room in downtown Springfield, it's "The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour!" Featuring the Waylon Smithers dancers... [dancers dance onstage] ... and the Springfield Baggy-Pants Players ... [their photo spins onscreen] ... and now, a family that doesn't know the meaning of the word, "cancelled," the Simpsons!

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Family: [singing] Come along and bring the family, Come along and join the fun, Come along and join the family Join the family ... Simpson! Roll Call! Marge: Remember me, my name is Marge, [strokes hair] The TV mom whose hair is large! [holds up Maggie, who sucks her pacifier twice] Bart: Step back, mom, it's Bart's turn now! Eat my shorts, don't have a cow! "Lisa": I'm Lisa, peppy, blonde, and stunning! Sophomore prom queen five years running! Go-o-o-o, Lisa! [jumps and shakes her pom-poms, like a cheerleader]

— If only the real Lisa knew what she was missing, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Bart: Wait a minute, whoa, whoa. [whistles to call the orchestra's attention] Stop the music. [they do] Where's dad? [the Simpsons begin to look] "Lisa": Here he is! [points to the orchestra pit, where Homer is curled up] Homer: I'm hiding from the-the-the-the ghost! Marge: Ghost? What ghost? Homer: B-b-before the show you said we were having a special ghost tonight. Marge: I said we were having a special _guest_ tonight -- Mr. Tim Conway! Homer: What's a Tim Conway? Conway: [walks onstage] Oh, about 120 pounds.

— Ba-da-boom, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Family: [singing] It's the Simpsons Family Smile Time Variety Hooooour!

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Homer: Honey, I'm home! Marge: Hello, dear. How was work at the plant? Homer: It's not a plant, Marge, it's a tree, and I've nearly chewed through it. Now remember, my new boss is coming home for dinner tonight. Marge: I know, and I made your favorite -- stakes! [gestures toward a big plate of fence stakes. The audience (the one on TV, but probably the one at home, too) groans] Bart: Hey, could you two close the dam door? Marge: Bart! Bart: But that's where we live. A _dam_. Marge: [grumbles] "Lisa": [walks in] Look everybody, Maggie got her first tooth. [holds up Maggie, in a baby-beaver costume, complete with buck tooth. The audience laughs, then goes, "awwww"] Homer: Now, before my boss comes, there's something important you should know. [doorbell rings] Marge: In a minute, Homey, I have to get the door. [goes to greet the visitor] Homer: But, Marge! [not heeding, Marge opens the door. Tim Conway stands at the entrance, dressed as a skunk. The family faints] Conway: Oh, was it something I said?

— "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Marge: Inflation, trade deficits, horrible war atrocities ... how are we supposed to do our big musical number with so many problems in the world? Homer: Well, I know one thing in this world that's still pure and good. Marge: Christian love? Homer: No. Candy! [climbs on table] Sweet, sweet, candy! [the orchestra strikes up the "I Want Candy" tune] Homer: [singing] I want candy! Marge: But don't you want to end world famine? Bart: [hops out of the booth] I want candy! Marge: Or save the endangered Alaskan salmon? "Lisa": I want candy! Marge: Well if you won't think of society's ills ... H + B + L: [singing] I want candy! Marge: At least, think of our dentist bills. [happy dentists show up, bearing bills]

— They probably want candy, too, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Moleman: A poem, by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see, My cataracts are blinding me. [flower wilts] Conway: [still in skunk costume] And they thought I stunk.

— Hans' Poetry Corner, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Marge: Well, it's time to say goodnight. Homer: I wish our special guest Tim Conway didn't have to leave so soon. Conway: [pops up from under the covers] I'm still here. Fox wouldn't spring for a decent hotel room. Marge: [laughs] He's just kidding. We'd like to thank Fox and the good people at Budget Lodge. Homer: Well, that's all the time we have. So this is the Simpson family saying, as you walk down that road of life ... Bart: [interrupting] Hitchhike -- it's faster. All but Bart: Ba-a-r-rt! Bart: [laughs] Marge: We're like this all the time! All: Goodnight, everybody!

— Don't let the bedbugs bite, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

McClure: That's it for our spinoff showcase. But what about the show that started it all? How do you keep "The Simpsons" fresh and funny after eight long years? Well, here's what's on tap for season nine. [McClure pushes a button on the remote, and we see a still shot of Homer turning Lisa into a frog] [mock-spooky] Magic powers! [McClure cycles through three pictures of Selma marrying Apu, the Bee Guy, and Itchy] Wedding after wedding after wedding. [McClure pushes the button again, and we see Bart confronting two thinly disguised variations of himself] And did someone say, "long-lost triplets?" [cut to a shot of the Simpsons] So join America's favorite TV family, [an alien appears, floating above the family] and a tiny green space alien named Ozmodiar that only Homer can see, on Fox this fall. It'll be out of this world! Right, Ozmodiar? Ozmodiar: Damn straight, Troy my man! Troy + Oz: Goodnight, America!

— Troy McClure signs off, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

Boy, it's getting harder and harder to make it here by ten.

— Chief Wiggum with the early-morning blues, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Wiggum: We'll start the tour in a second. I just gotta check the answering machine. [does so; there are 75 messages] Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands? [deletes the messages]

— If you want it done right ... "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Wiggum: Now, what I am about to show you next may shock and educate you. Hold onto your values as we step through the looking glass into a hippie pot party. [flicks a switch, lighting a mannequin with a joint crudely stuck to his mouth] While Johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea. [lights up another mannequin, of a woman opening wide to eat a baby sandwich. (That's a sandwich with a baby in it, not a really tiny sandwich.) The crowd gasps] That's right, she's got the munchies for a California Cheeseburger.

— Would you like fries with that? "TSW"

So the next time you're walking on the beach, enjoying an hourglass, or making cheap, low-grade windshields, think where we'd be without sand!

— "Sand" movie narrator, "TSW"

Narrator: The moon. For several years, she has fascinated many. But will man ever walk on her fertile surface? [cut to a shot of Adlai Stevenson at some sort of press conference] Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so. Stevenson: I have no objection to man walking on the moon. [photographers snap several pictures] [cut back to the moon where a family plays on the moon's fertile surface] Narrator: By 1964, experts say man will have established twelve colonies on the moon, ideal for family vacations. [a man fishes a comely moon maiden out of a crater. She winks at the audience] [a chart shows the difference] Once there, you'll weigh only a small percentage of what you weigh on Earth. [cut to a shot of a chubby boy eating pie] Slow down, tubby! You're not on the moon yet! [cut to a shot of the moon, with an American flag superimposed on it. The camera pulls back to reveal some men in spacesuits] The moon belongs to America, and anxiously awaits the arrival of our astro-men. Will you be among them? [fini. The film runs off the reel] Ralph: Miss Hoover, the movie's over. Lisa: Where's Miss Hoover? Janey: [looks out the window] Hey, her car's gone. Ralph: Maybe she drove to the moon.

— "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Lisa: It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two filmstrips, and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged. Skinner: Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

— Damned if you do, and damned if you don't, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Homer: [yelling to be heard] You really did it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! Lisa: When do you expect the ringing will stop? Wiggum: In about ten to fifteen seconds. Marge: I certainly hope [the ringing stops] so. [realizes she's still yelling] Ooh! [puts her hand to her mouth] That's better. [Maggie removes to pacifiers she had been using as earplugs] Now about your punishment, young man. Bart: [gets up] I know, I'll go to my room to think about what I did. Homer: Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage. Bart: [leaves] You're the boss. Marge: I tell you, Chief, I just don't know what we're going to do with him. Wiggum: You know, you do have options. [Bart rides by the living room window on a lawn mower] For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know? Homer: Not very. Marge: No-o-o! No drugs! Bart just needs a little discipline. Wiggum: Uh, hey, what about military school? It set my brother straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave. Marge: You know, maybe Chief Wiggum is right. Military school is a good idea. [The family looks out the front window. Bart rides by in the opposite direction, followed by police cars with their lights flashing]

— "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Krabappel: [simultaneous with Skinner] Yay! Skinner: Hooray! Krabappel: You dream about this day for so long, then when it comes, you don't know what to say. Skinner: Edna, your tears say more than words ever could. [the two clink champagne glasses]

— When dreams come true, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Bart: Military school?! You lied to me! Homer: [chuckles] Well, I'm sorry if you heard, "Disneyland," but I distinctly said, "military school."

— Blasted homonyms, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Marge: Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester. Commandant: Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks. Bart: Freak-outs? Homer: If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester?

— "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Cadet: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir! Lisa: They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school. Teacher: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful? Marge: Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

— Imagine what they'd do to "The Waste Land", "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Bart: Please don't make me stay, dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes! Homer: Let go my leg. Bart: No! Homer: Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school. Lisa: And so am I. [everyone else gasps] This school has everything I ever wanted. Marge: Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children. Bart: No jail can hold me. [runs off, only to be returned by school M.P.s a few seconds later]

— Nice move, Houdini, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Commandant: Let's go over this one more time, just to make sure I understand the situation. [clears throat] You're a girl. Lisa: Yes. Commandant: Oh, gosh darn it, I just don't understand the situation. [clears throat again] You're a girl? Lisa: All I want is the chance to prove myself. Commandant: Hmm. In our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet. But that seems to be the way the wind is blowing these days. After all, we have female singers, female motorists ... Welcome aboard.

— He's a progressive guy, all right, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Marge: Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home, I'll be here in half a jiff. Bart: [poking his head into frame] I want to quit and come home. [cut to shot of family getting into car] I want to quit and come home. Marge: Aw, honey, I heard you the first time. [kisses him goodbye, gets in the car, and leaves]

— "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Commandant: Atten-hut! Gentlemen, we now have a girl cadet among our ranks, so we're going to have to make a few changes. First of all, Franklin, you are no longer the girliest cadet here. Franklin: [effeminate] Well, we'll see about that. Commandant: Second, this is now the girls' barracks, so pack your things, you're moving in with Company L. Cadet Leader: Company L? But they smell! Commandant: [quietly] Yes, we've all head the chant. [authoritative] Now, fall out! Lisa: [to cadets, as they file out the door] Sorry ... sorry ... I know we'll be friends ... Talk about getting off on the wrong foot. [laughs weakly]

— Winning friends and influencing people, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Leader: What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud? Lisa: Is there any answer that I can give that won't result in more push-ups? Cadet #2: [consults with platoon] No. Lisa: [collapses into the mud]

— A no-win situation, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Rangemaster: Well, since you attended public school I'm going to assume that you're already proficient with small arms, so we'll start you off with something a little more advanced. [hands Bart a fearsome-looking grenade launcher] Bart: [impressed] Whoa! [Bart shoots at the targets downrange, and hits four of them. His fifth projectile goes sailing off in the distance, however] Rangemaster: Four out of five, Simpson; impressive. But you missed your last target. Bart: Did I? [cut to Springfield Elementary parking lot. Skinner stands over a smoking crater where his car used to be] Nelson: [from school window] Ha, ha!

— Explain THAT to your insurance agent, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Maybe you should just learn to use this. [hands Lisa a whistle] If there's a war, just blow on it, and I'll come help you.

— Rangemaster at military school, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Nurse: [answers phone] Simpson. Grampa: Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news! Lisa: Oh, Grampa! You're not busy, are you? Grampa: Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges ... [later] ... and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain ... [much later] ... and, that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call. Lisa: Uh huh. So, anything else you want to talk about? Grampa: I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey. Uh, anyway, other people need to use the phone. [holds up receiver] Jasper: Uh, uh. I've already talked to her twenty damn minutes.

— Reach out and touch someone, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Bart: What is it? Lisa: Bart, I got a cassette from Mom and Dad. I thought we could listen to it together. Bart: Gee, Lis, I'd love to, but this really isn't a good time. Leader: [from inside barrack] Bart! Who are you talking to? Bart: Uh ... Lisa: Lisa! You're talking to Lisa. Bart: I'm talking to ... no one. [closes door]

— Ouch, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Marge: [on cassette] Don't worry, sweetie. It's very common to be homesick when you're so far away from the people who love you. Lisa: [pauses tape] Okay, I'm not going to give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known ... then went crazy as a loon. [forward the tape a bit, and then resumes playing] Marge: [singing] You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you; so don't take my sunshine away.

— "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Bart: Sorry I froze you out Lis, I, I just didn't want the guys to think I'd gone soft on the girl issue. Lisa: [sighs] I'm tired of being an issue, Bart. Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit. Bart: But if you quit, it'd be like an expert knot tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot. Lisa: Why'd you say that? Bart: I dunno, I was just looking at my shoelaces. But the point is, you're going to make it Lis, and I'm going to stick by you. Lisa: Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts? Bart: Then I'll just stick by you in secret. Like a sock maker secretly working on a top secret sock that ... Lisa: [interrupts] Will you stop looking at your feet?

— Some look to the heavens for inspiration, some don't, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Commandant: Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard developing academic skills and general killing skills. Bart: [aside to Lisa] My killing teacher says I'm a natural. Commandant: But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina. Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale. [the cadets gasp] That was prior to 1957, thank you very much state Supreme Court. Consequently now, no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this: [gestures to a field overgrown with thorny bushes. At either end of the field are two platforms mounted on high poles. A rope is strung between each platform] Meet the Eliminator. That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand crawl across a sixty-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of twelve. The rope is suspended a full forty feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes. [turns to cadets] Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country. Lisa: This wasn't in the brochure.

— And you thought finals were tough, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Lisa: [reading] Meet me at the Eliminator after lights out. P.S., The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you. Ohhh ... [holds her tray up just in time to deflect a fusillade of meatballs]

— "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Lisa: I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough. Bart: I thought you came here looking for a challenge. Lisa: Duh! A challenge I could do!

— Getting more than she bargained for, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Commandant: Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the state Supreme Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross the Eliminator is a barbaric and malicious practice. Lisa: Yes! Commandant: Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it.

— Don't get your hopes up too soon, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Good job, Simpson, although that's more cursing than I like to hear from a cadet in peacetime.

— Military school Commandant, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Commandant: Next up ... Simp-son, Lis-a. [the crowd falls silent. The cadet leader plays, "Taps." Lisa climbs the ladder to the first platform, as the crowd begins jeering] Lisa: Well, at least they're talking to me. [at the top of the platform, she looks at the ground, which appears to be 400 feet below her, rather than 40. Tentatively, she grasps the rope and starts to cross in hand-over-hand fashion] If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on ... oh, God, I'm delirious. [Lisa's hands slip, and she dangles from the rope by only her legs] Cadets: Drop! Drop! Drop! ... Bart: [steps forward from the crowd] You can make it, Lisa. I know you can! Come on, I know you can do it! Just get your hands back on the rope! Just a little further! [Lisa grabs the rope again and begins crawling] Come on, a little bit more, you're doing great! That's it, come on, just a little bit more! [the other cadets try to silence Bart, but he wriggles free of them] I know you can do it, I believe in you! [and she does it!] Lisa: Yes! [she gets to the next platform, and climbs back down to earth] [arms raised] You said I couldn't but I could I did and I could do it again let's do it again! Bart: Lisa, it's over, you made it. You can put your arms down. Lisa: I can't, they're stuck.

— Winning ... "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Cadet #2: We're going to make your life a living hell for the rest of the semester. Leader: But, graduation's in three hours. Anderson: We'd better go change!

— "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today remember always your duty is clear: To build and maintain those robots. Thank you.

— Military school Commandant's graduation address, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Homer: [nervously] Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns? Bart: Sir! Yes, Sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir! Marge: Well, he seems to have gotten more confidence. Homer: Uh, yeah, I've always said that the boy could use more confidence.

— "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Reporter: Ah. So, kids, caught anything? Lisa: Not yet, sir. Reporter: Uh huh. Uh, what are you using for bait? Lisa: My brother's using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing. Reporter: I see. And what's your name, son? Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? Reporter: Heh heh. I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders. Bart: Well, this is my day, and we do, sir. [catches something on the line, with appropriate `Hulp!' noises] All right! We eat tonight!

— "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Mutation Caught At Ol' Fishin' Hole \\ * Is Power Plant Responsible? \\ Boy Was Using Five Pound Test And Ordinary Worms \\ Sister Was Just There For The Tranquility

— The Springfield Shopper headlines, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole? \\ * Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap \\ Count The Eyes, Mr. Burns!

— The Springfield Shopper headlines, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Marge: Well, leave it to good ol' Mary Bailey to finally step in and do something about that hideous genetic mutation. Homer: [snort] Mary Bailey. Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find better things to do with my time. Marge: Like what? Homer: Like getting Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday back as separate paid holidays. `President's Day' [blows a raspberry] What a rip-off! I bust my butt day in and day out.. Marge: You're late for work, Homer. Homer: So? Someone'll punch in for me. Lisa: Try not to spill anything, Dad. Bart: Keep those mutants comin', Homer! Homer: [sotto voce] I'll mutant you...

— "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Hi, ho, faceless employees.

— Monty Burns greets his faceless employees, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Hold me, Smithers.

— Monty Burns, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Okay, men. Geiger counters on. [Geiger counters go crazy]

— The nuclear power plant inspection, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.

— The nuclear power plant inspection, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Plutonium rod used as paperweight.

— The nuclear power plant inspection, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Homer: [wakes with a start] Aa! [twiddling levers wildly] Uh, just resting my eyes! Burns: Ah, well-done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee.

— The nuclear power plant inspection, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Inspector: Mr. Burns, in twenty years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable... Burns: Oh, look! Some ... careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars just lying here on my ... coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone. [leaves, waits, then returns] Ooh. Look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here. Inspector: Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to bribe me. Burns: Is there some confusion about this? [thrusting the money into the inspector's pockets] Take it! Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!

— The nuclear power plant fails inspection, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Burns: How much could it possibly cost to fix this place up? Smithers: Approximately fifty-six million dollars, sir. Burns: Fifty-six million! Smithers: [cowering] Don't hit me, sir.

— The nuclear power plant fails inspection, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Ooh! Cushy!

— Homer sits in Monty Burns' car, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Burns: Do you realize how much it costs to run for office? More than any honest many could afford! Homer: I bet <you> could afford it, though.

— "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Marge: Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family. Homer: Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.

— "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Ooh, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!

— Lisa, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Now, here's the problem as I see it. While Governor Bailey is belov\'ed by all, ninety-eight percent of the voters rate you as despicable or worse.

— Monty Burns' political advisor, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Advisor: Their job is to turn this Mr. Burns... [shows standard portrait of Monty Burns] ... into this one. [shows `artist's conception'.] Burns: Why are my teeth showing like that? Advisor: Because you're smiling! Burns: Ah, excellent! Yeah, this is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for.

— Monty Burns runs for office, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Thank you for watching `Movie for a Dreary Afternoon'.

— "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

An election!? That's one of those deals where they close the bars, isn't it?

— Barney, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Marge: I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish. Homer: Oh, Marge. What's the big deal? I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion, you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.

— Watching Burns' campaign advertisement, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Advisor: Now remember to smile. Burns: [back to camera] I <am> smiling. Advisor: You'll have to do better than that. Burns: [grunt, grunt] How's this? Advisor: There you go! Burns [front view, showing very slight grimace] Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow!

— Preparing for his campaign advertisement, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

By the time this paid political announcement is done, every Johnny Lunchpail in this whole stupid state will be eating out of my hands. [realizes the camera is on] Oh, hello, friends.

— Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

But don't take <my> word for it. Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what <he> thinks.

— Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

So you're saying this fish may have an advantage over other fish. It may be, in fact, a kind of `Super-Fish'!

— Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

This fish is a miracle of nature. With a taste that can't be beat. [rubs his tummy] Mmm-mm!

— Monty Burns neutralizes the fish story, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

"Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote for Monty Burns."

— Monty Burns' campaign song, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Wow! Super-Fish!

— Barney, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

That Burns is just what this state needs: Young blood!

— Abe, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Homer: I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey. Marge: Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster. Homer: Oh, yeah? Well, <I'm> a Burns Booster. [pins on a Burns campaign button] Ow!

— Watching Burns' campaign advertisement, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Advisor: Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the latest polls show you are up six points. Burns: Ah, giving me a total of... Advisor: Six.

— Burns runs for governor, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Mary Bailey: My worthy opponent thinks that the voters of this state are gullible fools. I, however, prefer to rely on their intelligence and good judgement. Reporter: Interesting strategy.

— The gubernatorial campaign, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Marge's sign: An Independent Voter for Bailey Lisa's T-shirt: I wish I were old enough to vote for Bailey. Bart's T-shirt: My dad told me to vote for Burns. Homer's sign: I'm a fool for Burns.

— The family takes sides in the gubernatorial campaign, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Burns: Have you, uh, found any dirt on Mary Bailey? Advisor 1: Well, we've gone through her garbage. Advisor 2: We talked to her maid. Advisor 1: And so far, the only negative thing we have found is from some guy who dated her when she was 16. Burns: Ah. And? Advisor 2: He, uh, he felt her up. Burns: Bah! Not good enough!

— "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Bart: Is your boss governor yet? Homer: Not yet, son, not yet.

— "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Advisor: The voters now see you as imperial and god-like. Burns: Hot dog! Advisor: But there's a down-side to it. The latest polls indicate you're in danger of losing touch with the common man. Burns: Oh, dear! Heaven forfend!

— Burns runs for governor, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Homer: Oh! Great toast, Marge! Oh, by the way, the night before the election, Mr. Burns is coming over for dinner. Marge: What!? Homer: Oh, and some reporters and a camera crew, but you don't have to feed them. Bart: Cool, man! A media circus! Marge: Absolutely not! Homer: Come on, Marge! Marge: Mm mm. I'm going to be ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night. Homer: D'oh! Kids, pleases leave the room. I don't want you to see this. Bart: Uh-oh. [Bart, Lisa, and Maggie zip away] Homer: [on his knees] Please please please please please please please please please please...

— The power of persuasion, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Advisor: Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime tomorrow? Lisa: "Mr. Burns: your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?" Advisor: Very good. Lisa: Mm. Well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one day render it uninhabitable? Advisor: No, dear. The card question'll be fine. Marge: Well, I think the non-card question is a valid... Homer: Marge! ... Don't worry. My daughter's very bright, and I'm sure she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow.

— Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Mr. Burns wants you to appear veeeery affectionate towards him. But we must remind you, he hates being touched.

— Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Homer: Marge, get back in bed. Marge: [on the floor] No, I'm just fine right here. Homer: What's wrong? I just want to snuggle. Marge: I don't feel like snuggling. Homer: What's that got to do with it?

— Apparently, not much, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Bad dog! Bad... neighbor dog!

— Homer, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Dear God: We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

— Bart says Grace, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Lisa, you're learning many valuable lessons tonight. and one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.

— Marge, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS!

— "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Burns: [smashes some pictures] [tries to overturn a table, but can't] Smithers, turn over this table for me. Smithers: Yes, sir. [does so]

— A friend in need, "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you. Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

— "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Homer: Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled? Oh, no! I don't like the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing to hope for. Marge, make it better please, can't you make it better, huh? Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on dessert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in til noon on weekends, no one man can destroy them. Homer: Hey, you did it! [big smooch] [snuggling occurs and credits go up]

— "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Bart: Yeah?| |Oh yeah?| |Yeah?| |Oh <yeah>?| Lisa: |Yeah!| |Yeah!| |Yeah!| |Yeah! \> Homer: [runs into the room, picks both kids up by the collar] Hey! What's the problem here? Lisa: We were fighting over which one of us loves you more. Homer: [touched] You were? [sniff] Aww... Well, go ahead. [releases the kids] \< Bart: You love him more.| |No I don't!| |<No I don't!> Lisa: |No, <you> do!| |Yes you <do>!| \>

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Mmmmm.... marshmallows...

— Homer admires Marge's gelatinous dessert, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: Are you sure that's enough? You know how the boss loves your delicious gelatin desserts! Marge: Oh Homer, Mr. Burns just said he liked it... [indicates with her finger] Once. Homer: Marge, that's the only time he's ever spoke to me without using the word... [dejectedly] Bonehead.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect. Lisa: Tough choice. Bart: I'm picking respect.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Burns: Oh please please, don't fight. Just go out back and have a good time. [to Smithers] Fire that man Smithers, I don't want him, or his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic. Smithers: He'll be gone by the tug-of-war sir. Burns: Excellent.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: Ah, afternoon Mr. Burns! Burns: Hello there... uh... uh... Homer: [whispers to Smithers] Simpson, Homer. Smithers: [hands an index card to Burns] Here you go, sir. Burns: Ah! Oh yes... [reads the card] Oh, and this must be your lovely wife... Marge. Marge: [smiles] Burns: Ho ho, look at little... uh... [consults the card] Lisa! Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be... uh, Brat! Brat: [unimpressed] Bart. Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat!

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Oh, for the love of Peter!

— Monty Burns utters a frustrated expletive, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Burns: Make yourselves at home. Bart: Hear that Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself. Homer: [angrily, he goes to strangle Bart] Now you listen to me! Burns: Trouble, Simpson? Homer: [one hand around Bart's neck] No, heh heh heh. Just congratulating the son on a fine joke about his old man. [nervously pats Bart's head]

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: Now, remember! As far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family. Lisa: Hey Bart! Last one in the fountain's a rotten egg! Homer: D'oh! [chasing after the two] Be normal! Be normal!

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Marge: Do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised? Mother: You're right. [turns on the TV]

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: Bart! Lisa! [swans stampede Homer] Willya... D'oh... Where are are you kids! [Bart beans Homer with a rock] Ow! Bart: Oops. [Homer grabs Bart] Whoa, careful Dad. Blow a gasket, and you lose you job.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

NOW HEAR THIS, THE FATHER-SON SACK RACE WILL BEGIN IN FIVE MINUTES ON THE NORTH LAWN. PARTICIPATION IS MANDATORY, REPEAT MANDATORY. THAT IS ALL.

— Picnic announcement, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: You remember the rules from last year? Bart: Yeah, shut my mouth and let your boss win.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Mother: I don't know who to love more... My son Joshua who's captain of the football team, or my daughter Amber who got the lead in the school play. Usually, I use their grades as a tie-breaker, but they both got straight A's this term, so what's a mother to do? Marge: [helping herself to ample amounts of the punch] Umm-hmm. Well I sense greatness in my family. Mother: <Your> family? Marge: Well, it's a greatness that others can't see... but it's there, and if it's not <true> greatness we have, we're at <least> average.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

I don't want to alarm anyone, [woozily] but I think there's a little al-key-hol in this punch. [scoops another cupful]

— Marge enjoys some liquid refreshment at the company picnic, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Smithers: Mr. Burns, are you ready? Burns: Yes. Smithers: Are you set? Burns: Yes. Smithers: [whispers] Go, Mr. Burns! Burns: [feebly hops away] Smithers: [after Burns gets a healthy lead, fires the starter's pistol] (*bang*)

— The Father-Son sack race at the company picnic, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Marge: Here we sit, enjoying the shade. Wives: Hey, Marge, and pour the wine! Marge: Drink the drink that I have made. Wives: Hey, Marge, and pour the wine! Marge: He's here with me, my one and only. Homer: [runs past chasing the kids, sees Marge] Huh? Marge: Drink, my friends and don't be lonely. Homer: [slaps his forehead] Oh! Wives: Hey Marge, and pour the wine!

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: Snap out of it Marge! You've gotta come with me, the boss is going to make a toast. Marge: Whoa, oh, I'm not much of a drinker. [collapses] Homer: You picked a perfect time to start, you... [Marge gazes at him]

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Burns: Musicians, cease that infernal tootling! [they do] Smithers: [hands Burns a card] Burns: Thank you all. Smithers: [hands another card] Burns: Ah... For coming.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Now it's time to say goodbye. Please get off my property until next year. I suggest you don't dawdle, the hounds will be released in ten minutes.

— Burns closes the company picnic, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: Quick Bart, give me a kiss. Bart: Kiss you? But Dad, I'm your kid!

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Burns: Ugh, I've never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor. Smithers: Fabulous observation sir, just fabulous.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Marge: Homey! Get in the car! Lisa: This is where you belong! Bart: Yeah Homer, room for one more! Marge+Lisa+Bart: [chanting] One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us!

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.

— Bart says Grace, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! [kids bewildered] Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family? Marge and the kids: Amen!

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town. Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

D'oh!

— Homer, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Don't have a cow, Dad.

— Bart, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

The sad truth is, all families are like us.

— Lisa, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: Look at that, kids! No fighting, no yelling. Bart: No belching. Lisa: Their dad has a shirt on! Marge: Look! Napkins! Bart: These people are obviously freaks.

— Homer takes the family to see what `normal' families are like, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Bart: Whoa! Look at this place, what a dump! Homer: It's worst than you think, heh heh heh. I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed. Marge: Ho-mer, this is <our> house.

— Homer takes the family to see what `normal' families are like, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

I want to be alone with my thought.

— Homer, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Moe: Eddie! Would you like some pretzels? Eddie: No thanks, we're on duty. A couple of beers would be nice though.

— The two cops pay a visit to Moe's Tavern, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, "Homer, you're a big disappointment", and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

— Homer, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Barney: Don't blame yourself Homer. You've got yourself a bad hand. You've got crummy little kids that nobody can control. Homer: You can't talk way about my kids! Or at least two of them.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

TV: All-star Boxing was brought to you by "Doctor Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center". [Dr. Marvin Monroe waves.] Wife: Honey, aren't you going to work today? Husband: No-o-o... I don't think so. Wife: Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better until you admit it. Husband: I admit this... You better shut your big yap! Wife: Oh you shut up. Husband: No, you shut up! Wife: No <you> shut up! Husband: Oh shut up! Wife: Shut up! Husband: Shut up! [little kid enters the bedroom] Kid: Why don't you <both shut up!> Dr. Monroe: Hi, friends, I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. Does this scene look familiar? If so, I can help. No gimmicks, no pills, no fad diets. Just family bliss, or double your money back! So call today! [dial 1-800-555-HUGS]

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

— Homer, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: All right, time for a family meeting. [shuts off the TV] Lisa: Why can't we have a meeting when <you're> watching TV?

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: Now look... You know and I know this family needs help, professional help. So I've made us an appointment with Dr. Marvin Monroe. Bart: The fat guy on TV? Lisa: You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro-wrestling? Homer: Boxing, Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference.

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Honey, I've given this matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials I saw, his was the best.

— Homer suggests the family see Dr. Marvin Monroe, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Oh come on Marge... Why skimp now on the off-chance that they'll actually get in someplace.

— Homer asks Marge to fetch the children's college fund, "There's No Disgrace Like Home"

Homer: To save this family we're gonna have to make the <supreme> sacrifice. Lisa: No Dad! Please don't pawn the TV! Bart: Aw come on, Dad, anything but that!

— "There's No Disgrace Like Home"