Movie Trivia

Father: [sigh] Oh well. At least we still have his little brother George. George: [singing] Bwa bwa bwa bwa, Oh the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky Home, Bwa bwa bwa bwa... [spoken] Trust me, it'll be funny when I'm an old man.

— Timeless classics, "Rosebud"

Burns: Oh, it's you. The bedpan's under my pillow. Smithers: [hesitantly] Who's Bobo, sir? Burns: Bobo? Er, um, I meant...Lobo! Er, Sheriff Lobo, they never should have cancelled that show.

— What were they thinking?, "Rosebud"

Burns: That man who's getting all those laughs, Smithers...who is he? Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir, one of the carbon blobs from sector 7-G, but I don't think -- Burns: I want this Simpson fellow to perform comedy at my party. I must harness his fractured take on modern life. Smithers: Fine, sir. I'll get him started on some snappy Sinbad-esque material.

— Better than Diceman, anyway, "Rosebud"

Marge: What are you doing? Homer: I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday party. Is "poopoo" one word or two?

— Better grab a dictionary, "Rosebud"

Marge: I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his birthday. Lisa: Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns' foibles if done with the greatest of care could earn Dad a special place in the old man's heart. Homer: Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. [laughs] I paint a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants!

— Going for the subtle approach, "Rosebud"

Homer: "Now I'm not saying Mr. Burns is incontinent" -- Bart: Incontinent. [laughs] Too rich! Lisa: Does either of you know what "incontinent" means? Homer: Lisa, don't spoil our fun.

— "Rosebud"

Marge: Come on, everybody, it's time to go. Homer: OK, stupid. Marge: Homer, you've got to stop insulting everyone, especially your boss! Homer: Marge, the comedy roast is an American tradition. It's what gives us the freedom to criticize our social betters. [Outside, Flanders clips the hedge] Hey Flanders! You smell like manure. Flanders: Uh oh. Better cancel that dinner party tonight. Thanks for the nose-news, neighbor!

— Just practising my invective, "Rosebud"

Guard: {Hey!} {[President Bush grunts]} {No one-termers. [tosses him out]} Carter: {You too, huh? Hey, I know a good yogurt place.} Bush: {Get away from me, loser.}

— One-term Republicans are bigger losers, "Rosebud"

Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones! Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves. Ramone 1: I'd just like to say this gig sucks! Ramone 2: Hey, up yours, Springfield. Ramone 1: One, two, three, four! [Abrasive guitar music begins] Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) Happy Birthday, Burnsey, Happy Birthday to you! Ramone 3: Go to hell, you old bastard. [The curtain falls] Ramone 4: Hey, I think they liked us!

— Silence gives consent, "Rosebud"

Burns: [toward the Ramones] Have the Rolling Stones killed. Smithers: Sir, those aren't -- Burns: Do as I say!

— The perils of being Smithers, "Rosebud"

Smithers: Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a satellite hookup on that monitor if you'll just turn your head slightly. Burns: Bah, no time. Next!

— O hallowed gratitude, "Rosebud"

I have some sad news to report: a small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was just run over in the parking lot. [Audience gasps] And now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson!

— Smithers warms up the audience, "Rosebud"

Homer: [exaggeratedly loud] Are you ready to laugh? Man: Poor dog. Homer: I said, are you ready to laugh? Woman: Quiet, you awful man.

— Homer starts his comedy routine, "Rosebud"

Homer: You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap -- Burns: What? Homer: I mean, you know, Mr. Burns is so old -- Burns: How dare you! Homer: Woo hoo, tough crowd.

— The comedy routine, "Rosebud"

Homer: Oh, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again. Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

— Hope springs eternal, "Rosebud"

Bart: Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please don't deny the world your fat can. Homer: Don't worry, boy, he'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday. Lisa: I knew it.

— So much for _that_ promise, "Rosebud"

Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir: King Arthur's "Excalibur". The only existing nude photo of Mark Twain. And that rare first draft of the constitution with the word "suckers" in it.

— Smithers, "Rosebud"

Smithers: [dressed in a bear suit] Here's something that should cheer you up, sir. It's me, sir: Bobo! Hug me! Squeeze me! [suggestively] Tug at my fur... Burns: [pushing him aside] Enough! Stop this grotesque charade. Now find my teddy! And oh, er, leave the costume.

— Uh, Hallowe'en is next week, "Rosebud"

Kent: The Burns bear, perhaps the most valuable widdle bear in the world, could be anywhere. It could be in your house... You could be looking at it right now. It could be right in front of your face as I'm saying this, waggling back and forth, perhaps being held up by a loved one. Homer: Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that moldy old bear down! [realizing] Moldy? Old? I'm gonna get something to eat!

— Right on the tip of his tongue, "Rosebud"

Lisa: Bobo: it's Mr. Burns' bear all right. Homer: Well, Burns isn't getting _this_ back cheap, I can tell you that. {He's gonna have to give me...my own recording studio!} {[In a studio, Homer sings]} {Two all-beef patties special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun. [drools]} Man: {Homer, you're drooling on the mike again.}

— Fifth one today, "Rosebud"

Marge: Mmm...I'll sew that eye back on. Bart: No! Let's send Burns the eye in the mail; he'll pay more money if he thinks the bear's in danger. Homer: [in a trance] Yes, we'll send the eye.

— "Rosebud"

Marge: I'm sure he'll offer a fair reward. [as an afterthought] And then we'll make him double it. Family: Huh? Marge: [defensive] Well why can't I be greedy once in a while?

— Because you're the nicest?, "Rosebud"

[tenderly] Bobo, my beautiful Bobo. I promise I'll never leave you behind again. [to Homer] Ahem. Ah, yes. Er, naturally I can't pay you much of a reward because I'm strapped for cash. [The ceiling caves in, spilling gold and jewels on him] As you can see, this old place is falling apart...

— It's all cubic zirconium anyway, "Rosebud"

Burns: I'm sure we can come to an understanding. Homer: Yes, sir. [thinking] Reject the first offer. Reject the first offer. Burns: May I offer you a drink? Homer: Sorry, Burns, no deal.

— A tough bargainer, "Rosebud"

Homer: I knew you'd come crawling back. Burns: How much do you want? Homer: A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands. Good ones, not the leper one! Burns: Done!

— Plus an option to pick up the leper one later, "Rosebud"

Homer: Aw, big deal. Who needs his money? We're gettin' by OK. [Abe drives through the wall into the living room] Abe: Son! You gotta help me. I hit three people on the way over here and I don't have any insurance! [congenially] So how's by you?

— You should have asked ten seconds ago, "Rosebud"

Homer: Mmm...sixty four slices of American cheese. [Takes the stack to the table and sits down] Sixty four...[eats it] Sixty three...[eats it] [Next morning] Two...[eats it really slowly] One...[eats it] [Marge walks in] Marge: [incredulous] Have you been up all night eating cheese? Homer: [slurred] I think I'm blind...

— All that lactose, "Rosebud"

Man 1: Excuse me, we wanted to see the geek who valued the happiness of his children more than money. Homer: [unenthused] Right here. Man 2: Aw, you said his head was the size of a baseball. Homer: Oh, my life can't get any worse. Smithers: [over the intercom] Homer Simpson, report for much worse duty. Homer: D'oh!

— Homer, meet Mr. Murphy, "Rosebud"

Marge: Mmm, I think we need a new hair dryer. Homer: Marge, you must hate me for not taking Mr. Burns' money. Marge: I don't hate you, I'm proud of you! You came through for your daughter when she needed you the most. Homer: Aw, thanks, Marge. But it'll take a lot more than that to comfort _this_ tortured soul. [He reaches for the box and puts it on his head] Hee hee hee, boxey! Marge: [indignant] Gimme that!

— Simple pleasures, "Rosebud"

Barney: [the dinosaur, that is] [singing] Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four... Homer: Heh heh heh, I can see why _this_ is so popular!

— Homer learns addition, "Rosebud"

Burns: As you can see, Simpson, I've taken over all 78 channels. And you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in. Otto: Woo, that bites. Patty: Holy crap!

— Taking over MacGyver is a fate worse than death, "Rosebud"

Burns: What's that you say? You can live without television so long as you have _beer_? Homer: [defiantly] That's right. Burns: [ominously] Wrong. All beer trucks heading towards Springfield have been diverted...this town will be as dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube-jockeys out there have a problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson. [The doorbell rings, and Homer answers it] Barney: [brandishing a gun] Homer, give him what he wants!

— You don't know how far he'll go, "Rosebud"

Nelson: My old man can't get a beer because his old man [points at Jimbo] won't give a beer to another old man. Let's get him! Jimbo: Wait! Why are we gettin' him? [Martin walks by] Martin: Look, gentlemen. The first snapdragon of the season! Nelson: Never mind. Let's just get _him_! [points at Martin]

— Bad timing, "Rosebud"

{[A dumb sitcom is shown on TV]} Burns: {Smithers, I'm home! [canned laughter]} Smithers: {What, already? [canned chuckle]} Burns: {Yes. [loud canned laughter]} Lisa: {[watching] Is it my imagination or is TV getting worse?} Homer: {Ehh, it's about the same. Uh oh! Look out, Smithers!} {[sound of breaking glass]} {Heh heh, I love this show.}

— Homer, discerning TV viewer, "Rosebud"

Burns: Well, Maggie, I've given this a lot of though. I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement -- [Starts trying to pull the bear away, but he's too weak] Beaten by an infant...what could be more humiliating? Reporter: [taking a photo] What a scoop!

— You had to ask, "Rosebud"

[Maggie offers him the bear] Burns: For me? Bobo? Smithers, I'm so happy. Something amazing has happened, I'm actually happy. Take a note! [resolute] From now on, I'm only going to be good and kind to everyone. Smithers: I'm sorry sir, I don't have a pencil. Burns: Ehh, don't worry, I'm sure I'll remember it.

— "Rosebud"

Well...we didn't get any money, but Mr. Burns got what he wanted. Marge, I'm confused! Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?

— Homer the prescriptivist, "Rosebud"

Agent 1: [presses the buzzer] Burns: [awakening, over the intercom] Mmm...hmm...what? How dare you disturb me during nap time. Agent 1: We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence. Burns: There must be some mistake. We, er, we make cookies here: Mr. Burns' Olde-Fashioned Good-Time Extra-Chewy -- Agent 2: [to Agent 3] Get the axe.

— We've done this before, "Homer Goes to College"

Burns: The watchdog of public safety...is there any lower form of life? Smithers: Don't worry sir, I rounded up our less gifted employees and led them into the basement. [Shot of the basement with Homer and two other guys] Bernie: Duh, Homer, why are we down here? Homer: Aw, geez. I told you, Bernie: to guard the bee! Man: [whining] But why? Homer: Aw, you guys are pathetic. No wonder Smithers made me head bee-guy. [Homer kicks the jar accidentally, smashing it, and the bee escapes] Bernie: Duh, he's gettin' away. Man: Oh, we did bad!

— No recess for you, "Homer Goes to College"

Agent 2: Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station. Homer: [moans] Agent 2: Now we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight. Homer: What the hell are you talking about?

— This won't look good on a resume, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: What do I do? What do I do? In the name of God you've got to tell me! [sobbing] Agent 2: Relax, it's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong. Homer: [sotto voce] Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go.

— It's worked before, "Homer Goes to College"

Agent 2: I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck! Burns: Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.

— I can't decide, Monty, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: [answers the door, sees Burns with his lawyers] Aah! Burns: Hello, Simpson. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by. Marge: [nervously] Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares? [The lawyers discuss it quietly amongst themselves] Lawyer: Yes, he would.

— Executive decision, "Homer Goes to College"

Burns: Remember, your job and the future of your family hinges on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing: [ominously] you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon. Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey; it was in your glove compartment. Burns: And the road maps? And ice scraper? Smithers: They were in there too, sir. Burns: Ex-cellent! It's all falling into place.

— Now as long as there are no meddling kids..., "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: [growls in frustration] Lisa: Dad, don't let these application essays throw you. Let's see: "List your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life." Homer: Is "TV Guide" a book? Lisa: No. Homer: "Son of Sniglet"? Lisa: No. Homer: Katherine Hepburn's "Me"? Lisa: No! Homer: Oh, I suck.

— "Reading Digest" counts, though, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: [writing] "...It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever." Bart: You the man, Homer! Homer: Thanks, boy!

— What it is, "Homer Goes to College"

Bart: I dunno, Dad: don't you have a better picture? Homer: Relax. A photo can't make any difference. [A man and a woman review applications, and they come across Homer's] Man: [looking at the photo] He looks crazy. Woman: Agreed. Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds.

— Next!, "Homer Goes to College"

Finally! The great taste of Worcestershire Sauce in a soft drink. Ah..."Steakie"!

— A TV commercial, "Homer Goes to College"

Prez: [on TV] Dean Bitterman, I hope nothing unsavory happens during my visit. As you know, I _am_ the President of the United States. Dean: Oh, don't worry. I've expelled those rowdy members of Chugalug house. Homer: [watching] Ohh, I hate that lousy Dean! Corey: [on TV] Your Bra Bomb better work, Nerdlinger! Nerd: Hey! [Corey presses the plunger; an explosion occurs in the background] [Many colors of bras rain down on the Dean and the President] Dean: Corey?! Don't worry, Mr. President, I -- [looks over, sees the President dancing and enjoying himself] Mr. President! Prez: Lighten up, Bitterman...that youngster will make a perfect addition to my cabinet. Secretary of Partying Down! Dean: [growls; a bra falls on his head] Homer: [triumphant] Yes! Take _that_, Bitterman.

— College is _just_ like that, "Homer Goes to College"

Bart: Well, Pop, what are you going to do? Homer: [resolutely] Something I should have done a _long_ time ago. [long pause] Marge: You don't know, do you? Homer: [meekly] No, ma'am.

— Homer's empty life, "Homer Goes to College"

Man: I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but I must object. This Simpson is not qualified! [There are nods of agreement] Burns: I see. Well, you know, fellows, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you? [Everyone assents] Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork, [Smithers hands him a baseball bat] not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules! [Burns starts hitting the man in the head with almost no force] Man: [noticing] Er, excuse me, what are you doing? Burns: I'm giving you the [grunt] beating of your life! Man: Look, if -- stop that! -- you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so? Burns: [collapses from exertion] Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.

— "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! [sets fire to it and starts singing] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T...

— You were saying?, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: My first day of college. I wish my father was alive to see this. Abe: [springing up from the back seat] Hey! Homer: How long have you been back there? Abe: [meekly] Three days!

— That explains the smell, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: [yelling at a student] Neeeerd! Marge: Homer, that isn't very nice. Homer: Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time. [A "jock" walks by] Hey pal! Did you get a load of the nerd? Jock: [not understanding] Pardon me?

— The times, they are a-changin', "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: [spiking the punch] Heh heh, I'll be a campus hero. [Another student tastes the punch and spits it out] Student: Attention, everyone: the punch has been spiked. [Everyone gasps] Don't worry. Your parents have been called and will be here to pick you up shortly! [Everyone cheers]

— Let's try plan two, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: Marge, someone squeezed all the life out of these kids. And unless movies and TV have lied to me, it's a crusty, bitter old Dean! Dean: Hi there! Hello, I'm Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby. I just want you to know if you ever feel stressed out from studying or whatever, I'm always up for some hackey sack. Or, hey! If you just want to come by and jam, I used to be the bass player for the Pretenders. [plays a riff] Homer: [bitterly] Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt.

— Character evaluation problems, "Homer Goes to College"

Prof: {Now if anyone would like to stay, I'm going to hold a comprehensive review session after every class.} Homer: {[waving] Do we have to?} Prof: {No --} Homer: {Then kiss my curvy butt goood-bye!}

— "Homer Goes to College"

Marge: {Homer, we have a perfectly good bookcase.} Homer: {Yeah, but this is what they're doing on campus. Besides, it isn't costing us: I swiped the cinderblocks from a construction site. [At the site, a worker walks forlorn up to his boss]} Worker: {Sir, six cinderblocks are missing.} Boss: {There'll be no hospital, then. I'll tell the children.}

— "Homer Goes to College"

Prof: This proton accelerator destabilizes the atom in this chamber here, then propels it -- Homer: Uh, excuse me, Professor Brainiac, but I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years, and, uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works. Prof: Well, please, come down and show us. Homer: All right, I will. [Everyone abandons the glowing green building] [Homer walks out, glowing green himself] Homer: [to meltdown men] In there, guys. Men: Thanks, Homer.

— If I didn't know better, I _might_ think you'd met him before, "Homer Goes to College"

Dean: Homer, no one blames you for the accident, we simply feel you might benefit from outside tutoring. I researched these names myself. [hands him a list] Homer: [to himself] Yeah, you've won this round, Dean...but the war isn't over. [exits] [Dean's phone rings] Dean: Hello? Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, Dean! You're a stupid-head. Dean: Homer, is that you? [looks out his window] Homer: [looks up, sees the Dean looking at him] Aah!

— Thank God for Call Display, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor. Nerd 1: Well, you've come to the right place then. If there's one thing we know, it is science. Nerd 2: And math. Nerd 3: And the words to every Monty Python routine. Nerds: [in unison] We are the Knights Who Say...Ni! Ni! [laughter] Homer: Heh heh...Ni.

— Homer's quest for a shrubbery, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf. Bart: Listen to yourself, man: you're hangin' with nerds. Homer: You take that back! Marge: Homer, please! These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds. Homer: Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy! Lisa: Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact, they've done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include...popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne, and supreme court justice David Souter. Homer: [gasp] Oh, not Souter! Oh, no!

— Mmm, Burgher, "Homer Goes to College"

Nerd 1: Come on, Mr. Simpson, you'll never pass this course if you don't know the periodic table. Homer: Ehh, I'll write it on my hand. Nerd 1: Ho! Including all known lanthanides and actinides? Ha, ha! Good luck.

— Cerium, praseodymium, neodymium..., "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: Come on, guys. Look at yourselves! All you do is study. I'm going to show you the true meaning of college: we're gonna go out and par-ty! Nerd 2: Wait a minute, I'll put on my snow pants. Nerd 1: Me too. Nerd 3: Me too.

— Don't forget the Cougar boots, "Homer Goes to College"

Ah, the college road-trip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?

— Homer, "Homer Goes to College"

Marge: If you're going for a ride, I'd like you to take Bart and Lisa. Homer: [plaintively] But Marge, we're college guys and we're up to no good. Nerd 1: Mr. Simpson, Gary spilled his ear medicine.

— Does it stain naugahyde?, "Homer Goes to College"

Nerd 2: I need to go to the bathroom! Lisa: We stopped five minutes ago! Nerd 2: Yeah, but someone knocked on the door and I couldn't go.

— Tension and urination just don't mix, "Homer Goes to College"

Nerd 1: Hey, the pig's acting kind of funny. Nerd 2: He and Mr. Simpson split a case of malt liquor. Nerd 3: Guys, he's really sick. [The pig collapses] Dean: [outside] Hell-oo...that sounds like a pig fainting!

— Good ear on you, "Homer Goes to College"

Dean: I'm sorry, boys, I've -- I've never expelled anyone before, but...that pig had some powerful friends. Nixon: [bitterly] Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay!

— They are not a crook, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: Guys, believe me, I didn't mean to get you expelled. Nerd 3: Oh, don't worry, Mr. Simpson, we can take care of ourselves. [Snake appears, holding out his hand] Snake: Uh, wallet inspector. Nerd 1: Oh, here ya go. [All three give him their wallets] I believe that's all in order. Snake: Huh ho! I can't _believe_ that worked. Homer: [realization dawning] Heyy...that's not the wallet inspector!

— Coulda been, though, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: Marge! They don't have anywhere to stay. And they're geniuses. they'll solve all our problems. They'll elevate us to the status of kings on earth! Nerd 3: Mr. Simpson? We all have nosebleeds.

— Genii non-savants, "Homer Goes to College"

Marge: [hearing modem noises] Ooh, what's wrong with this phone? it's making crazy noises. Nerd 2: [contemptuously] Those "crazy noises" are computer signals. Nerd 3: Yeah. Some guys at MIT are sending us reasons why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk. Nerd 1: Hah! They're outta their minds.

— The Great Debate continues, "Homer Goes to College"

Bart: [sharpening knives] Dad, start diggin' some nerd holes! Lisa: [plaintively] It's bad enough that they put their retainers in the dishwasher; can't we do something? Homer: Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony, right, Marge? Marge: No, I want those geeks outta my house!

— Who can argue with that?, "Homer Goes to College"

Nerd 2: OK, guys: push him out of the way in exactly three seconds. Nerd 1: Should we correct for wind resistance? Nerd 3: Hmm, possibly. What do _you_ think? [Homer hits the Dean with his car, and the Dean goes flying] Nerd 1: Oh, my.

— I hope he's insured, "Homer Goes to College"

Nerd 2: What are you going to do, Mr. Simpson? Homer: Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out. Nerd 2: [determined] Or, with our help, you can cram like you've never crammed before! Homer: Whatever. Either way is good.

— I'm not picky, "Homer Goes to College"

Nerd 2: Oh, man, I can't believe you failed. Homer: [whining] Oh, I'm going to lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified! Nerd 2: Mr. Simpson, there is a way. We could -- well, use a computer to change your grade. Homer: [surprised] Computers can do that? Nerd 2: Well, yes...the only problem is the moral dilemma it raises, which requires -- [Homer kisses one of the computers] Homer: Oh, I love -- moral whuzzah?

— You know, ethical crisis, "Homer Goes to College"

Marge: An A+! How did you do it? Homer: Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box. Marge: You changed your grade with a computer? Homer: D'oh!

— How'd she figure that out?, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college. Nerd 2: No we didn't. Homer: Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study, and work hard. Lisa: No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong. Homer: Hmm...true.

— The need for Debating 101, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: Well, I guess it's back to college for me. And that means it's time to -- what did I teach you guys? Nerds: [timidly] Par - ty - down? Homer: Yess!

— Woo hoo!, "Homer Goes to College"

Man: [quietly] Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger Falls...where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked, and the children are pink-cheeked and robust. [Audience laughs loudly] Homer: What the hell's so funny? Man: At the Apple Biscuit cafe, where the smiles are free, don't you know, Sven Inqvist studied the menu, and finally he ordered the same thing he has every day. [Audience laughs and applauds] Bart: Maybe it's the TV. Homer: Stupid TV. [Hits it] Be more funny!

— TV: object of aggression, "Marge on the Lam"

Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as "Out With Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House." Folks, do you realize without your support, public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as "Edward the Penitent"? [Cut to clip] Edward: [kissing the papal ring] I'm really, really, _really_ sorry -- Pope: I'm afraid "sorry" doesn't cut it with this pope!

— Eleven "Tony"-winning shows, "Marge on the Lam"

Troy: What the hell -- Oh! We got a call. Homer: Ha ha! Some idiot actually called in. Troy: Hello? What's your name? Marge: Marge Simpson. Homer: Aah!

— My wife's an idiot!, "Marge on the Lam"

Marge, it's public TV! They never have anything good. Where are the Geraldos? Where are the Ewbankses-es?

— Homer objects to Marge pledging money, "Marge on the Lam"

Marge: [of public TV] They need our support! Besides, they gave me two tickets to the ballet. Homer: [jubilant] Ballet? Woo-hoo! Marge: [incredulous] You like ballet? Homer: Marjorie, _please_. I enjoy _all_ the meats of our cultural stew.

— Particularly the snouts and entrails, "Marge on the Lam"

Homer: _That's_ what ballet is? [whining] Oh -- Marge: You promised! You can't back out like when you volunteered for that Army experiment to avoid dinner at my sisters'. [Flashback] Doctor: Mr. Simpson, you _do_ realize this may result in hair loss, giddiness, and the loss of equilibrium? Homer: Yeah, yeah, just give me the serum. [Doctor injects him] [Back to the present] Homer: Heh heh, it was worth it. [Homer falls out of his chair] [giddily] Tee hee hee! Hee hee hee hee --

— A tangled web, "Marge on the Lam"

Carl: Hey Homer, you wanna get a beer on the way home? Homer: [sneering] I can't. I gotta take my wife to the ballet. Lenny: Heh. You're gonna go see the bear in the little car, huh?

— People unclear on the concept, "Marge on the Lam"

[Homer reaches inside a pop machine, grunting] Homer: Just...a little more...argh...got it! [realizing] Aah! I'm stuck. Help me! Carl: He's done for! Lenny: Let's get out of here! [They run off screaming] Homer: [dragging the machine behind him] Must...get to ballet... promised...Marge!

— A man with a mission, "Marge on the Lam"

Hello? Can I get some help? Snack-related mishap!

— Homer with his arm stuck in a vending machine, "Marge on the Lam"

Thanks, Marge. When my husband left, he took all our power tools along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind.

— Ruth Powers on divorce, "Marge on the Lam"

Ruth: Vayachipa's loins ought to be outlawed. Marge: [snickers] Burns: Bah! Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing! Smithers: A little mincing would be nice...

— At the ballet, "Marge on the Lam"

Marge: Well, thank you for a lovely time. Ruth: You're not going home already, are you? Marge: Well, it's almost 9:30.

— Lights out by 10:00, "Marge on the Lam"

Man: Homer, this...this is never easy to say. I'm going to have to saw your arms off. [brandishes a buzzsaw] Homer: [plaintive] They'll grow back, right? Man: Oh, er, yeah. Homer: Whew!

— He failed anatomy, I guess, "Marge on the Lam"

Ruth: [sighs] I envy you and Homer. Marge: Thank you. [realizing] Why? Ruth: If you ever met my ex-husband, you'd understand. All he ever did was eat, sleep, and drink beer. Marge: Your point being?

— "Marge on the Lam"

Ruth: [about her ex-husband] To top it off, he's been stiffing me on child support for the last four months. Marge: Hmm. Well, you _were_ unlucky. But there _are_ a lot of good men out there. Barney: Hey! [to waiter] Can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy somethin' --

— "Marge on the Lam"

Homer: Marge, I know you didn't believe me about the vending machines. That's why I had the firemen write me a note. Marge: [reads] "Mrs. Simpson, while we were rescuing your husband, a lumberyard burned down." Homer: D'oh! [sadly] Lumber has a million uses.

— Even worse, "Marge on the Lam"

Marge: I'm disappointed in you. But it turns out I had a wonderful time with Ruth Powers. In fact, we're going out again tomorrow night. Homer: Marge, that's twice. I think you're spending entirely too much time with this woman. Marge: Homer, please. You know it's hard for me to make friends. {[Flashback to Marge and three women drinking coffee in the living room]} Woman: {Heh heh. Oh, Marge, we should do this every Thursday. [Homer walks in wearing a "No Fat Chicks" T-shirt and Hawaiian shorts]} Homer: {Marge, I got sprayed by this skunk. Oh, look! It's doing it again.}

— Respect thy wife, "Marge on the Lam"

Homer: Marge, you can't go out on Saturday! That's our special night. Marge: What's so special about it? Homer: What's so -- [sarcastic] Oh, I don't know. A little show called "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman"?

— Starring Vanna White, "Marge on the Lam"

Homer: Where are you going? Marge: I don't know. Homer: When will you be home? Marge: I'm not sure. Homer: Where are you going? Marge: You already asked me that.

— The long-term effects of TV-watching, "Marge on the Lam"

Homer: How can you do this, Marge? How can you desert your children? Lisa: Have a blast, Mom. Bart: Rock the Casbah! Homer: [sneering at Bart] "Man's best friend," indeed.

— "Marge on the Lam"

Marge: You look...nice. Ruth: Tonight has nothing to do with "nice". Tonight's all about -- [She puts in a tape: "Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows" --] Oh, sorry Marge. Wrong tape. ["Welcome to the jungle! We got fun and games..."]

— The jungle that is...Springfield, "Marge on the Lam"

Homer: I can't believe your mother went out to have fun without me. Bart: Don't worry. You'll feel better once we put your hair up in curlers and give you a makeover, [slyly] Homina. Homer: [falsetto] Oh, that would be delightful -- [realizing] Quiet, boy!

— "Marge on the Lam"

Homer: There's nothing to feel ashamed of here. Women have a right to a night out, right, Lisa? Lisa: Sure, dad. [makes a whipping sound]

— Ball and chain, "Marge on the Lam"

Homer: That's it! I'm calling my buddies. Marge is not the only one who can have a girls' night out. [dials the phone] Lenny: Oh, no can do, Homer. I'm watching the game. [Shaves a woman's legs] Woman: Shave up, not down, you idiot! Burns: Ooh, sounds delish! Let me just toss some jeans on and -- wait a minute! Who is this? Flanders: Howdily-doodily-do! [Homer hangs up] Hello? Y'ello! Hellodily-odily!

— Maybe some other night, "Marge on the Lam"

Homer: Fine. I can have a great time all by myself. Lisa: Hey Dad, I think state and federal laws require us to have a babysitter. Homer: Oh, Lisa. Haven't you seen "Home Alone"? If some burglars come, it'll be a very humorous and entertaining situation. Bart: You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter! Homer: [suspicious] Wait a second... [Pulls a paper from his pocket: "Always do the opposite of what Bart says"] Hmm...you kids _do_ need a babysitter! Bart: Blast that infernal card! [to Homer] _Don't_ give that card to me. Homer: Here you g -- [pulls back] No!

— Just before Homer leaves, "Marge on the Lam"

Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour. Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer. Hutz: Three. Homer: Two. Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage. Homer: Done! Hutz: [proudly] Still got it.

— "Marge on the Lam"

Cowboy: Hey, baby! Feel like gettin' lucky? Marge: I _am_ lucky. I have a husband and three wonderful children. Thank you very much. Cowboy: {[threatening] Listen, baby, I _always_ get what I want.} Marge: {[indignant] I said no!} Cowboy: {Oh, did you? Oh, I completely misunderstood. Please accept our apologies.}

— A true redneck gentleman, "Marge on the Lam"

Homer: Sometimes, you gotta go where everybody knows your name. [walks into Moe's] Hey guys! [No one answers; the fan squeaks] Moe, get the darts. I want to play. Moe: No. We're phasing out the games; people drink less when they're having fun.

— Cause and effect, "Marge on the Lam"

{Oh, sure, like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Look at him! He's wearing a belt. [wistfully] That's Hollywood for ya.}

— Lionel Hutz on "LA Law", "Marge on the Lam"

Otto: {Hey, Mrs. Simpson! You should try one of these "Smart Drinks." [laughs and drinks it] Ooh, wow...I've wasted my life!}

— Otto, realization dawning, "Marge on the Lam"

Quimby: {Would you, er, like to dance?} Marge: {Mayor Quimby! What are you doing here!} Quimby: {I'm, er, here with my nephews.}

— Remind you of anyone?, "Marge on the Lam"

Marge: What was it you wanted to show me? Ruth: This. [pulls a gun] Marge: [gasps] You're not going to hunt me for sport, are you?

— No, for meat, "Marge on the Lam"

Marge: Beautiful, huh? Homer and I used to come up here on dates. [Flashback to said date, where Homer brandishes a thick stick] Homer, stop that! It's just a weather station. Homer: Come on, Marge! It's fun to smash things. [hits it] Heh heh, I smashed it good! [laughs some more] [to Marge] You got real purty hair...

— A hopeless romantic, "Marge on the Lam"

Ruth: [pointing] Look, you can see our houses. Marge: Hmm. There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney. Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers? Hutz: As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!

— Lawyers can change legal names easily, "Marge on the Lam"

Marge: Maybe we should call it a night. Ruth: OK. I _should_ get home to my daughter before that naked talk show comes on.

— The one with bacon on the beach?, "Marge on the Lam"

Homer: The old make-out place. Hey, a new weather station! I'll bash it good! [sighs] Oh, it's just no fun without Marge. Wiggum: Ah, there's nothing like moonshine from your own still. [notices Homer] Oh, Simpson! [tosses the moonshine] What are you doing here? Homer: [bitter] My wife is having a girls' night out. Wiggum: Aw, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's a woman, though, because one time I...heh.

— Another story not suitable for children, "Marge on the Lam"

Marge: Ruth, is there something you want to tell me? Ruth: Remember when I said my ex-husband was behind on his child support? Marge: Uh huh. Ruth: Well, to even things up, I kind of stole his car. Marge: Didn't you realize all you had to do was report him to the police? Ruth: Marge, you're the level-headed friend I never had.

— Small consolation, "Marge on the Lam"

Wiggum: We're in pursuit of two female suspects. One is wearing a green dress, pearls, and has a lot of blue hair. Homer: A lot of blue hair? Hee hee -- what a freak!

— A freak that _you_ found her, "Marge on the Lam"

Homer: ...it's Marge! She's become a crazed criminal just because I didn't take her to the ballet. Wiggum: That's _exactly_ how Dillinger got started. Homer: [interested] Really?

— You learn something new every day, "Marge on the Lam"

Marge: I don't want to be a wet blanket, but maybe you should give yourself up. Ruth: Marge, it's a matter of principle. I just can't let that deadbeat win again. You're with me, aren'tcha? Marge: [thinking] I should say something reassuring and noncommittal. [spoken] Hmm.

— Reassuring..._and_ noncommittal, "Marge on the Lam"

Ruth: Look, Marge, there's no reason for you to get dragged into this. Once we lose the cops, I'll let you out. Marge: Well, I don't think they'll be that easy to lose. These are professional lawmen, and -- [Ruth turns the car's lights off] Wiggum: Oh my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost-car! [slams on the brakes] There are ghost-cars all over these highways, you know. Homer: [timid] Hold me. Wiggum: [conciliatory] Only if you hold me.

— You first, "Marge on the Lam"

Marge: [uncertain] Well, goodbye. Ruth: I'm...sorry about all this. But you gotta admit, we _did_ have some fun. Marge: Yeah...everything before the high-speed chase was just lovely.

— "Marge on the Lam"

Woman 1: [to Woman 2] This cross-country flight from the law would be hell if we didn't stick together. Woman 2: Hey: friends _stick_ together. Woman 3: [to Woman 4] It's amazing how through all this adversity, we managed to stick together. Woman 4: If there's _one thing_ decent folk do, it's stick together. Waitress: I hate it when the waffles stick together. Cook: Stickin' together is what good waffles do.

— Philsophy in a truck stop, "Marge on the Lam"

Wiggum: Mmm, engine-block eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be sitting pretty. [Marge and Ruth whiz by] Homer: That's them! Wiggum: Quiet! I can't hear the eggs.

— Wiggum the epicure, "Marge on the Lam"

Bart: Hey, it's morning and Mom and Dad aren't home yet. Lisa: Don't worry, Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us. [taps him] Hutz: [wakes up, clears his throat] Don't touch my stuff! [holds a knife] Hey, this isn't the YMCA...

— Survival of the fittest, "Marge on the Lam"

Wiggum: Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum, back in pursuit of the rebelling women. Dispatch: All right, your current location? Wiggum: Oh, uh, I'm, er, I'm on a road. Uh, looks to be asphalt...oh, geez, trees, shrubs...er, I'm directly under the earth's sun...now!

— No need for GPS satellites, "Marge on the Lam"

Kent: We've just received word of a high-speed desert chase. The suspects have been identified as Ruth Powers and Marge Simpson of Springfield. Bart: Cool! Lisa: I always knew someday Mom would violently rise up and cast off the shackles of our male oppressors. Bart: Ehh, shut your yap.

— Bart Simpson, Male Oppressor, "Marge on the Lam"

At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. [Pause] It's in "Revelations", people!

— Kent Brockman thumps the bible, "Marge on the Lam"

Ruth: I give up. A single mother can't win in a man's world. Marge: Ruth, that's a lot of hooey. It's not over 'till it's over. [Grabs the steering wheel, making the car veer off the road] I'm sorry, I should have asked first.

— Always considerate, "Marge on the Lam"

Wiggum: Oh, no! They're headed right for the Grand Chasm! Homer: Oh my God! They're going to drive right into it just to teach us men a lesson. And it's all my fault!

— A heavy burden, "Marge on the Lam"

Homer: [into bullhorn] Marge, Marge! Marge: Homer? Homer: Look Marge, I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband. I'm sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub. I'm sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car. And I'm sorry -- oh well, let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this point. Marge: [to Ruth] You're right: I _am_ lucky to have him.

— Stand by your man, "Marge on the Lam"

Wiggum: Hah! And to think those idiot environmentalists were protesting this landfill! Homer: It's solid waste...I could kiss you! [kisses it] Ew... [kisses it] Ooh... [kisses it] Argh! [kisses it] Ooh...I think _this_ was pizza.

— With bile topping, perhaps, "Marge on the Lam"

Narrator: Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court. The judge dismissed her ex-husband's auto theft charges and forced him to pay all back child support. Mr. Powers blamed the outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz. Lionel Hutz, AKA Miguel Sanchez, AKA Dr. Nguyen Van Falk, was paid eight dollars for his thirty-two hours of babysitting. He was glad to get it. Marge Simpson was charged with a violation of penal code section 618A: Wanton Destruction of Precious Antique Cans. She was ordered to pay fifty cents to replace the cans, and $2000 in punitive damages and mental anguish. Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of the United States Army Neurochemical Research Center at Fort Meade, Maryland, for extensive testing. Homer: Woo-hoo!

— The fates of the principal characters, "Marge on the Lam"

Bart: Paintings: lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that -- Marge: Bart! You should warn people this episode is very frightening. And maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds" broadcast on NPR, hmm? Bart: Yes, mother.

— There's a good boy, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

The subject of our first painting tonight is the most foul, evil, vicious, diabolical beast to stalk the earth. Of course I refer to... [Maggie stuffs her pacifier in Bart's mouth] ...mm mm-mmm! [Bart spits it out] ...the devil!

— Bart, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Lenny: Sorry, Homer. While you were daydreaming we ate all the donuts. Carl: Well, there were a few left, but we chucked them at an old man for kicks. [Shot of Abe running with a donut stuck to his head] Abe: Damn buzzards! I ain't dead yet.

— Knockin' on heaven's door, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

"Dear Homer, I. O. U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

— Homer, not realizing his own foresight, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Homer: [ruefully] I'd sell my soul for a donut. [The devil appears, looking like Flanders] Flanders: Heh heh, that can be arranged. Homer: What -- Flanders! You're the devil? Flanders: Ho ho, it's always the one you least suspect.

— All those wasted years of church, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Flanders: Many people offer to sell their souls without reflecting on the grave ramifications -- Homer: [impatiently] _Do_ you have a donut or not? Flanders: Comin' up. Just sign here. Careful, hot pen!

— Desperation calls for drastic measures, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Burns: Hmm...who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib. Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.

— The next installment on the billion, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for -- Homer: [through a full mouth] Hey, wait: if I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you? Flanders: Well, technically, no, but -- Homer: [gloating] I'm smarter than the devil!

— I know you are but what am I?, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Lisa: Wait! Doesn't my father have the right to a fair trial? Flanders: Oh, you Americans with your due process and fair trials. This is always so much easier in Mexico.

— Only until NAFTA comes in, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Marge: [looking at phone book] Lawyers, lawyers, lawyers...oh! Lionel Hutz. "Cases won in 30 minutes or your pizza's free." Hmm. Bart: I'd sell my soul for a formula one racing car. [Satan Ned appears with a race car] Ned: Heh heh heh, that can be arranged. Bart: Changed my mind. Sorry. [Ned vanishes] Cool! Marge: Bart! Stop pestering Satan.

— "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Marge: Homer! Are you all right? Homer: [meekly] No. Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

— He learns fast, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Hear Ye, Hear Ye. The Court of Infernal Affairs is now in session.

— The Grim Reaper speaks, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Hutz: First some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half-hour. Flanders: Agreed. Number two, the jury will be chosen by me. Hutz: Agreed. [realizing] No, wait -- Flanders: Silence!

— You've been told, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Flanders: I give you the Jury of the Damned! Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon -- Nixon: But I'm not dead yet! In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook. Flanders: Hey, listen: I did a favor for you! Nixon: [humbly] Yes, master.

— Evil Republicans!, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers!

— Satan introduces the jury, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Marge: [next to the high chair] I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs, and this is the last one. Blackbeard: Arr! This chair be high, says I.

— A tautology, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

I hold here a contract between myself and one Homer Simpson pledging me his soul for a donut -- which I delivered! And it was scrump-diddley- umptious!

— The Satan/Flanders beast, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Flanders: I simply ask for what is mine! [He sits down smugly] Hutz: [cocky] That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." [emphasizing] Which is unbreakable! [The jury look at him] Excuse me, I must use the restroom.

— An expert law-talking guy, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Blackbeard: {[looking at the photo] Arr, 'tis some kind of treasure map!} Arnold: {You idiot! You can't read.} Blackbeard: {Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'!}

— No brain cells left, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Hutz: [walking around a corner] Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza. Marge: But we _did_ win! Hutz: That's OK: the box is empty.

— His end of the deal, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Flanders: All right, Simpson. You get your soul back. [threateningly] But let that ill-gotten donut be forever on your head! [Next day at breakfast] Homer: [pulling pastry from his head and eating it] Marge: Homer, stop picking at it! Homer: Oh, but I'm so sweet and tasty.

— And covered with sprinkles, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Homer: Well, time to go to work. Lisa: Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. [Chief Wiggum and a lot of cops stand on the street outside] Wiggum: Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there some time.

— Patience is a virtue, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Bart: The next exhibit in out ghoulish gallery is entitled..."The School Bus"? [realizing] Oh, they must mean "The Ghoooul Bus." Lisa: [reads the painting] Nope, says right there: "School Bus". Bart: [with mock enthusiasm] Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school. Ha ha! [groans]

— Lame introductions, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Milhouse: Hey Bart, look. Krusty trading cards. The long-awaited "Eight Series". Bart: [reading the cards] "Krusty visits relatives in Annapolis, Maryland. Krusty poses for trading card photo." Milhouse: Hmm...he seems to be running a little low on ideas. Bart: Well, at least you got the gum. Milhouse: [biting it] Ow! I cut my cheek.

— Only $1.49 a pack, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Lisa: Bart, what's wrong? Bart: [in a monotone] I just had a vision of my own horrible fiery death. Lisa: [expectantly] And?

— That's it?, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.

— Seymour "Norman" Skinner, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Lisa: Excuse me. Bart's a little upset this morning, so could everyone please be extra-nice to him? [Everyone laughs] Jimbo: Hey, where's your diaper, baby? [pulls down Bart's pants] Martin: Thank goodness he's drawn attention away from my shirt. ["Wang Computers"]

— Small mercies, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Bart: Milhouse...Milhouse, wake up, quick! Look out the window. Milhouse: No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear-admiral!

— Covering his ass, so to speak, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Jimbo: Hey, there's no monster. Ralph: You're deceptive. Otto: I don't see anything. Milhouse: Hey! Who's driving the bus? Otto: Ooh, una momento, por favor.

— Spanish 101, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Skinner: Now I've gotten word that a child is using his imagination... and I've come to put a stop to it! Bart: [desperate] No, no, it's true, there's a monster on the bus! Skinner: The only monster on this bus is a lack of proper respect for the rules.

— Seymour's adages, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Me mule wouldn't work in the mud. [mournfully] So I had to put seventeen bullets in 'er!

— Willy, problem-solver, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Bart: [with forced happiness] You believe me, don't you? You're my friend who believes me: sweet, trustworthy Milhouse. Milhouse: Actually, Bart, you're kinda creeping me out. Uh, I think I'm gonna go sit with that foreign exchange student. [He does so] Uter: Ah, guten tag! Would you care for a bite of my Vengelerstrasse bar? I also have a bag of marzipan Joy Joys.

— Joy Joys Mit Iodine, even, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Bart: The gremlin's taking off the wheel. Stop the bus or we're all gonna die! [Seymour grabs him in a headlock] Willy: Take me bridle and lash his hands to the seat.

— A just punishment, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Skinner: Pull, Willy, pull! Willy: I'm doing all the pulling, you blouse-wearing poodle walker!

— Fitting epithets, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Bart: Look at the bus. I was right, I tell you, I was right! Skinner: [sternly] Right or wrong, your behavior was still disruptive, young man! Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a madhouse will teach you some manners. Nelson: Ha, ha!

— No punishment is too severe, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Bart: We come now to the final and most terrifying painting of the evening. To even gaze upon it is [dramatically] to go mad. Homer: [looking at it] Aah! They're dogs...and they're playing poker!

— At least they're not playing pool, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

We had a story to go with this painting, but it was far too intense. So we just threw something together with vampires. Enjoy!

— Bart, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead -- drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. [Cape has "DRACULA" written on it] Police are baffled. Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield museum destroyed.

— Taking no chances, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Lisa: No, no, they're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead! Nosferatu! Das Wampyr! [Family looks blankly] [exasperated] A vampire! Homer: Heh, heh. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

— That's "inuit" to you, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Brockman: In a completely unrelated story, Montgomery Burns has just closed a deal to buy the Springfield Blood Bank. Burns: [blood on his cheek] Ooh, I'm very excited about this deal. We -- [notices the blood, wipes it off and eats it] Oh, precious blood. Homer: Mmm, business deal.

— Homer the CEO, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Homer: It sure was nice of Mr. Burns to invite us to a midnight dinner at his country house in... Pennsylvania! Lisa: Aw, there's something fishy about this whole setup. Marge: Lisa, stop being so suspicious. Did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked?

— To clean off the bubonic plague, no doubt, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Burns: [over the intercom] Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead -- Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of that button. Burns: Well, son of a bitch --

— Vampires and technology don't mix, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Burns: Well, if it isn't my good friends, the, er -- Smithers: Simpson family, master. Burns: Simpson, eh? Excellent.

— The running gag continueth, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Lisa: [sotto voce] Dad, do you notice anything strange? Homer: [sotto voce] Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer -- Burns: I heard that! Homer: [defensively] It was the boy!

— Bart the scapegoat, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Homer: Ooh, punch! Lisa: [sniffs it] Ew! Dad, this is blood! Homer: Correction -- _free_ blood.

— Always lookin' for ways to save, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Lisa: [motioning to the coffins] Satisfied? Bart: Big deal. It's no different from the basement in Grandpa's rest home.

— _Those_ coffins are empty, though, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Bart: [strangled] Shee, ba-ba-ba-ba -- Lisa: Please, Bart, I've seen your stupid Shemp. Bart: Gna-gna-gna-gna -- Lisa: Yeah, I've seen your Curly too!

— Bart tries to warn Lisa of the walking undead, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Lisa: [breathlessly] Mom, Dad: Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart! Burns: Why, Bart is right here. Bart: [droning] Hello, Mother. Hello, Father. I missed you during my uneventful absence. Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that...building...thingy, where our beds and TV...is.

— The king of eloquence, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Bart: Come join us, Lisa. It's so cool: you get to stay up all night drinking blood. Milhouse: And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies.

— No "cons" to vampirehood, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Homer: Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis -- [gasps] Wait a minute! You _are_ a vampire! Abe: Quick! We have to kill the boy! [holds a stake and mallet] Marge: How do you know he's a vampire? Abe: He's a vampire? Aah! [runs away]

— A true test of mettle, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Homer, we've got to do something. Today, he's drinking people's blood. Tomorrow, he could be smoking!

— Marge, concerned about Vampire Bart, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Lisa: The only way to get Bart back is to kill the head vampire: Mr. Burns! Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream?

— Ethical dilemmas, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

{This is dangerous. I wish we could have found a sitter for Maggie...}

— Marge, on a quest to kill Vampire Burns, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

I'm a vampire, and I've come to suck your blood! [His false fangs fall out and he crashes into the refrigerator] Oh! [weakly] This cape is giving me a rash.

— Fearsome Vampire Abe, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Lisa: Grandpa's a vampire? Bart: We're all vampires! Lisa: But, no! We killed Mr. Burns -- Homer: You have to kill the _head_ vampire. Lisa: [points at Homer] _You're_ the head vampire? Marge: No, _I'm_ the head vampire. [laughs ghoulishly] Lisa: Mom?! Marge: I _do_ have a life outside this house, you know.

— Lucrative moonlighting, "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Ooh! The Springfield Men's Shelter is giving away sixty soiled mattresses!

— Homer reads the "FOR FREE" section of the paper, "Bart's Inner Child"

Homer: Oh my God! Lisa: What is it? Homer: Tramapoline! Trampopoline! [runs out] Bart: He said what now? Marge: Please, don't bring home any more old crutches!

— Homer gets excited over a free trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"

Krusty: You here for the trampoline? Homer: Yeah. What's the deal? Krusty: Well, I used to do a lot of tumbling in my act, but I'm phasing it out for more dirty limericks: "There once was a man named Enis..."

— Krusty gives away a trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"

Dad, this one gesture almost makes up for years of shaky fathering!

— Lisa, after Homer gets a trampoline for the family, "Bart's Inner Child"

Bart: I will _never_ get tired of this! Lisa: I'm going to have my wedding here!

— The children play on the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"

Marge: I don't know if this is a good idea. Homer: Marge, it's the perfect exercise! It'll double the value of our house, and it was free! Free!

— Why trampolines are good, "Bart's Inner Child"

Bart: Otto, are you OK? Otto: Yeah. Just pop my shoulder back in. [Bart does so] Thanks, little buddy!

— Otto injures himself on the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"

Todd: Each leap brings us closer to God. Rod: Catch me, Lord, catch me! [They collide and fall onto the ground] What have we done to make God angry? Todd: _You_ did it!

— The Flanders children jump on the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"

Milhouse: Stop jumping on me! I'm hurt. Homer: Kids, kids: once you get hurt, move aside and let other people jump.

— Homer lays down the trampoline rules, "Bart's Inner Child"

Homer: Hey, Krusty: I'm bringing back the -- Krusty: [points a shotgun at Homer] You just keep right on driving.

— Homer tries to return the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"

Homer: That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone. [a shadow grows above Homer] [the trampoline bounces repeatedly off Homer's head, driving his feet into the ground] {If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now.}

— Physics according to "Road Runner", "Bart's Inner Child"

{All right, all right...you win for now. But someday you'll _rust_!}

— Homer vs. the trampoline., "Bart's Inner Child"

Bart: {Dad, you really want to get rid of this trampoline?} Homer: {Uh huh.} Bart: {Observe: a bike lock. [je locks the trampoline to a post] Now just turn around, and count to three: one, two, three -- [they turn around to see Snake with a pair of wire cutters] Uh, better make it five.} Snake: {All right! I got me a bed.}

— 1,001 uses, "Bart's Inner Child"