Movie Trivia

Itchy: Look, Scratchy, it's our new friend, Poochie. Scratchy: What's that name again? I forgot.

— Rub it into the audience's heads, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Scratchy: Ooh, Poochie is one outrageous dude. Itchy: He's totally in my face.

— "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

When are they going to get to the fireworks factory? [starts sobbing]

— Milhouse, just like after a long division, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Moe: Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on? Midge, help me out here. Homer: Quiet! You're missing the jokes!

— I certainly am, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Poochie: [hands out his hand to Scratchy for a high-five] Catch you on the flip side, dudemeisters. [Scratchy extends his arm -- Poochie withdraws his] NOT! Hey, kids, always recycle... [screams] to the extreme! Bust it! [he drives away in the sunset, past the fireworks factory]

— And thus endeth the cartoon, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Ned: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of "Impy & Chimpy" I've ever seen! Carl: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer, you, uh... got a beautiful home here.

— High praise for... "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Homer: So, it was pretty okay, huh? Bart: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner? Marge: Yes we can. [they rush upstairs, quickly followed by three bangs of slammed doors]

— Family support, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Homer: Well, at least _I_ liked it. Didn't I? Brain: Oh, you don't want to know what _I_ really think. Now look sad and say "D'oh". Homer: [sadly] D'oh...

— The harshest critic, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Lisa: You can't be cool just by spouting off a bunch of worn-out buzzwords. Bart: Don't have a cow, Lis! Marge: Bart's right. Let's none of us have a cow.

— "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

CBG: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the _worst_ episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

— He _must_ be an AOLoser, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Bart: Hey, I know it was great, but what right do you have to complain? CBG: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me. Bart: What? They're giving you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe _you_? If anything, _you_ owe _them_. CBG: [pauses] Worst episode ever.

— "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Far be it from me to gloat at another's downfall, but I have a feeling that no children are gonna be crying when _this_ puppy is put to sleep. [laughs]

— Kent Brockman's `My Two Cents', "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Krusty: What the hell happened?! Lady: I'd attribute the product failure to fundamental shifts in our key demographic, coupled with the overall crumminess of Poochie.

— Executive answers, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Homer: One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Poochie's not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking "Where's Poochie"? Three... Myers: Great, great. Just leave them right there on the floor on your way out.

— Maybe the blingwads idea wasn't so bad after all, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Homer: Then they said they were going to kill Poochie off! Bart: [joyful] Really?! [faking sadness] Oh, how terrible. Lisa: Yes. Terrible.

— "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

It's not your fault, Homer. It's those lousy writers. They make me madder than a... um... yak in heat!

— Marge, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Homer: I won't let them treat Poochie like dirt anymore just because he's the new guy. Roy: Right on, Mr. S! Homer: Put a sock in it, Roy.

— "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

June: [in Itchy's voice] Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you? Homer: [Poochie voice] Yes, I certainly do! [normal voice] Hello there, Itchy. I know there's a lot of people who don't like me and wish I would go away. I think we got off on the wrong foot. I know I can come off a little proactive, and for that I'm sorry. But if everyone could find a place in their hearts for the little dog that nobody wanted, I know we can make them laugh and cry until we grow old together.

— "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Now kids, I know you loved the old Poochie, but the new one is going to be better than ten Super Bowls! I don't want to oversell it, judge for yourselves.

— Homer, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Itchy: Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you? Poochie: Yes, I certainly do! [Roger Myers' voice] I have to go now. My planet needs me. [the cel with Poochie on it is crudely moved upwards] [some crudely-scrawled titles move up, stating "Note: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet"] Bart: Wow, Poochie came from another planet? Lisa: Uh, I guess...

— "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Krusty: Poochie's dead! [laughs] [children in the audience cheer loudly] Well kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit the Poochie will never, ever, _ever_ return! Lawyer: This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes. [kids cheer]

— Never feer Poochie: The Next Generation, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Bart: Tough break, Dad. I guess people just weren't ready for Poochie. Maybe in a few years. Roy: Good news, everybody. I'm moving into my own apartment with two sexy ladies. Marge: Oh, then I guess this is good-bye, Roy. Maybe we'll see you in a few years.

— Until he gets his own show on Fo-ox!, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Well, I guess I learned my lesson. The thing is, I lost creative control of the project. And I forgot to ask for any money. Well, live and learn.

— Homer, no longer the money-driven workaholic he once was, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Bart: It's back to the basics, classic "Itchy & Scratchy." Lisa: We should thank our lucky stars that they're still putting on a program of this caliber after so many years. [they both stare at the tube for a while] Bart: What else is on? [Lisa changes the channel, screen goes to static]

— Switching to `3rd Rock'?, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Marge: Ooh, that sounds fabulous, Homer. Stores throw the best parties. Homer: You like parties, huh? Well, I just remembered they're having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend. Marge: You didn't remember that. You just saw it on TV. Homer: The important thing is I didn't imagine it.

— "My Sister, My Sitter"

Janey: I can't get enough of "The Baby Sitter Twins." They arrested the counterfeiters, rescued the President, _and_ made _four_ dollars. Lisa: I love everything about the world of babysitting. The responsibility, the obligations, the pressure... Janey: And full refrigerator privileges! Lisa: That's a trust, Janey. A sacred trust. Janey: Geez. Lighten up, Lisa.

— "My Sister, My Sitter"

Lovejoy: Friday, you will have the chance to [waving hands] _party down_ in the church basement to the Jesus rock stylings of Testaments. That's on Friday, 6 p.m. sharp. Bart: [scoffs] All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.

— Just ask Amy Grant, "My Sister, My Sitter"

But I'm _very_ mature for my age. People often mistake me for nine!

— Lisa, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Todd's been pinching everyone lately.

— Ned, explaining how rambunctious and wild his kids can be, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Lisa: Where are the dice? Todd: Daddy says dice are wicked. Rod: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.

They're gonna get eaten alive in Middle School.

— Lisa comments on Rod and Todd's panic over a moth, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Lisa: [tucking in Rod] Once there was a robot named Todd. Todd: Did he have a brother? Lisa: Yes, he had a brother named Rod, who was two space years older than him. Todd: [frightened, pulling up his blanket] I don't like this story!

— The horror tales of two robotic brothers, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Bart: You made all that money for sitting around and watching TV and eating food?? Lisa: There's a lot more to it than that, Bart. I don't just babysit. I sell peace of mind for a dollar an hour. Two dollars after nine o'clock.

— Lisa Simpson, humanitarian and businesswoman, "My Sister, My Sitter"

You could be Abe Lincoln's father's boss!

— Bart compliments Homer on his classy attire, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Take it like a man, boy, and do everything your sister says.

— Homer, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Lisa: Bart, I know you're not wild about having me for a babysitter, but I'm not some ogre. I think you will find me fair and fun. Bart: You're dead. Lisa: You should wash up for dinner. To make it fun, you can use the Mr. Bubbles. It'll be like giving your fingers a bubble bath. Bart: You are so dead.

— Breaking the ice, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Bart: May I have some more lima beans, please? Lisa: Certainly. [gives him a few] Bart: More than that. Lisa: Certainly. [gives him more] Bart: More. [gives him more] More. [gives him more; Bart has a small pile of lima beans on his plate] More. Lisa: Uh, maybe you should eat the ones you have. Bart: I didn't say I was gonna eat them. I just want to look at them because they're so gross. [pushes plate away]

— "My Sitter, My Sister"

Lisa: Bart, if you don't want to have a babysitter, maybe you should stop being such a baby. Bart: Oh, I'm a baby, huh? Well then I'll act like a baby. [takes a huge bite of his chocolate ice cream] [it spills onto his shirt] [Bart fills his cheeks with ice cream, his lips covered in chocolate] Ga-ga goo-goo! Lisa: Even babies know how to open and close their mouths. You need a bib. [straps a bib on Bart] Bart: Oh baby hate bib! Waah! Waah! [starts banging his spoon on Lisa's plate] [Maggie starts bawling] Lisa: Oh, look, Bart! Now you got Maggie all upset! Bart: Relax, I'll give her some ice cream. [feeds all his ice cream to Maggie] [Maggie's eye pupil shrink] Lisa: Bart, that's coffee ice cream. It has caffeine in it!! [Maggie starts twitching her head and body around hyperactively] Bart: Welp, at least that'll make things more interesting for you, now won't it?

— Bart, putting the "baby" in babysit, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Marge: Ooh, it's so beautiful! This is what I imagine Paris must be like. Homer: You've never been? Marge: I'm so honored that Springfield has been chosen to host to all these upscale chain stores. I guess that makes us yuppies, huh, Homie? Homer: Ehh. I'm really more of a slacker.

— Yuppies, slackers, same difference, "My Sister, My Sitter"

It's true! The entire menu was personally approved by my secretary.

— Rainer Wolfcastle at the opening of Springfield's "Planet Hype," "My Sister, My Sitter"

Tourist: Hey, this isn't faux dive. This is a dive. Moe: You're a long way from home, yuppie boy. I'll start a tab.

— Moe's latest desperate attempt to boost business, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Lisa: If you come down, I'll give you some more coffee! Lots more coffee! Are you getting ready for bed, Bart? [Bart yells "I am!" from downstairs] Bart: [on the phone in the TV room] That's right. I want the twenty five foot Italian party sub. And don't skimp on the vinegar. [hangs up] It's time Lisa learned what babysitting Bart Simpson is all about. [dials someone else] Um, yes, I'd like to host an AA meeting? Tonight, if possible.

— Don't skimp on the psychopathic drunkards, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Lisa: [dragging Bart back to the stairs] Why do you have to make this so hard?! Bart: I'm using non-violent resistance.

— So that makes it okay to be a pain in the butt, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Man: I'm here to pick up the Ambassador from Ghana. Lisa: Well he's not here! Nobody's here! And none of you should be here!! You've all been tricked! Man: Why would the Ambassador do such a thing?

— Because he couldn't get a sisterectomy? "My Sister, My Sitter"

Lisa: I thought I told you to go to bed! Bart: Yeah right, bread. You said: go to bread. Lisa: [clenching her teeth] I said, go to bed! Bart: Yeah. Go to bread. Lisa: B-E-D! BED! Bart: Ohhhhh, bed! Ohh! Anything you say, sis! Lisa: [growls] [twitches her eye]

Bart: You didn't say which bed! Lisa: Go to _your_ bed! Bart: Make me. Lisa: I'll make you! [lunges after him; Bart leaps off the bed] Bart: If you want me, you gotta catch me!

— Bart's Rules to Taking Advantage, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Don't laugh at me! I was once like you!

— Homer pleads for his dignity after getting stuck on a fountain floor, "My Sister, My Sitter"

The boy was studying quietly, when the girl, drunk on her own sense of power, beat him silly with a block of frozen lima beans.

— Chief Wiggum's analysis of the incident, as imagined by Lisa, "My Sister, My Sitter"

I'm sure he's as good as Dr. Hibbert. It says so in this ad.

— Lisa finds an ad for Dr. Nick Riviera's walk-in clinic, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Lisa: Don't worry, Bart. Everything's gonna be just fine. I'm gonna get you to a doctor, [puts Maggie in the barrow] he will fix you up, and by this time tomorrow, we'll all be a happy family. [nervously] Happy, happy, happy family. [Maggie is restless and playing around with Bart's face] Maaaggie!! [Lisa looks around and eyes the cat carrier]

Lisa: [weakly] Please, Maggie... Please... Go to sleep!!

— What to do when your baby sister is hyper, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Yo, um, I must've, like, fell on a bullet, and it, like, drove itself into my gut.

— Snake at Dr. Nick Riviera's walk-in clinic, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Hey don't worry. You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court!

— Dr. Nick Riviera to Snake in his walk-in clinic, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Wiggum: Hold it right there. [gets out his car] Well, if it isn't Springfield's finest little babysitter, Lisa Simpson! Lisa: Hi! How are you?? Wiggum: Um, I'm fine. Now, Lisa, when you're walking down the side of the road, always wanna be sure to go _with_ traffic, okay? Well... is that with traffic, or against traffic? No, it's with traffic. With traffic. Anyway, good night. Lisa: Whew. Wiggum: Uh, hold on a minute! Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please. Lisa: Okay. [Lisa looks up at Wiggum, feeling the jig is up] Wiggum: Just as I thought! It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow. Well, I gotta run.

— Nothing gets past him, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Quimby: Citizens of Springfield, I officially declare this... what the hell is that?! Skinner: Why, it's Lisa Simpson! And look what she's doing!?

— "My Sister, My Sitter"

Maude: She's murdered her brother! Lenny: And she's trying to dump the body in the harbor! Otto: Well, duh! Mel: And, as a grim finale, she intends to drown that poor caged baby!

— And her butt sticks out, too! "My Sister, My Sitter"

Lisa: [shielding her eyes from the light; wobbly] What's happening? Where am I?? Helen: And she's on drugs!

— Thank you, Nancy Reagan, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Lisa: Hey, Bart. How's your arm? Bart: It's all right. I was hoping they'd give me one of those steel claws, but what are you gonna do... Lisa: Mm. Bart: I'm -- sorry I was such a jerk last night. Guess I sorta ruined your babysitting business. Lisa: Yeah, well, that's okay. I can always sell seeds. You want some seeds? Bart: No thanks. Lisa: [depressed] Ohh. [the phone rings; Lisa picks up] Hello. World's worst babysitter speaking. Hibbert: Lisa! I'm glad I reached you. Are you available to babysit tonight? Lisa: Aren't you afraid I might take drugs and injure your children? Hibbert: Yes, that is a concern, but it's so hard to find a sitter, and I've got judo tonight! Lisa: Um, okay, I'm sorry, can you hold on, please? [takes another call] Hello? Ned: Lisa, Ned Flanders. You available, tonight? Lisa: Didn't you hear I almost killed my brother? Ned: You did? Just a minute. [long pause] What time can you come over?

— Hey, nobody's perfect, "My Sister, My Sitter"

Krusty: I slugged some jerk in Tahoe. They gave me one to three. My high-priced lawyer sprung me On a technicality. I'm just visiting Springfield Prison, I get to sleep at home tonight.

— Springfield Prison Blues? "The Brother From Another Series"

I kid, 'cause I love. I'm telling you the best folk in the world are prison folk.

— Krusty sucks up, "The Brother From Another Series"

Bart: Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy. Lisa: And vice-versa.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Krusty: What have you been doing with yourself, Bob? Bob: Well, Krusty, as you may remember, after I tried to frame you for armed robbery, I tried to murder Selma Bouvier. Let's see...I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you. Krusty: Oh, yeah. Bob: And, whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson.

— Thank you, exposition boy! "The Brother From Another Series"

Marge: Oh, you have _nothing_ to worry about, honey. Homer: Your mother's right, Bart. Sure, you're the one who _ruined_ all of Sideshow Bob's criminal schemes... Marge: We're _very_ proud of you, by the way. Homer: ...and sure, he's probably so insane with rage that he'd butcher you horribly if he could. Marge: But, he's safely locked away. Homer: In a medium-security prison. Marge: For life! Homer: Unless he gets out somehow. Marge: Which is impossible. Homer: Or so you'd think! Except he's done it _so_ many times before.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Lovejoy: Oh, that was lovely, Robert. You other cons could benefit from his example. [Inmates mutter angrily] Bob: Really, Reverend, your praise is going to get me beaten up.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: It's been ten years! We haven't spoken since the... unpleasantness. Cecil: You mean Arthur Fiedler's wake? Bob: No, no, no, I mean our falling out.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: You do know I used to have a...problem with trying to kill people. Cecil: Goodness! I had no idea! For you see, I have been on Mars for the past decade, in a cave with my eyes shut, and my fingers in my ears. Bob: Touche, Cecil.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

You don't have to worry about me, brother. I'm all murdered out.

— Sideshow Bob, "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: Isn't our system of justice based on the idea that a man can change? Wiggum: Uh, have the boys check into that. Bob: I know I don't deserve a second chance, but this _is_ America, and as an American, aren't I entitled to one? Man: Probably!

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: I hope they still make that shampoo I like.

— That evil criminal genius! "The Brother From Another Series"

Cecil: I have the '82 Chateau Latour and a rather indifferent Rausan- Segle. Bob: I've been in prison, Cecil. I'll be happy just as long it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator. Cecil: That would be the Latour, then.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Bart: And God bless Mom and Dad and Lisa and Maggie. And please, God, kill Sideshow Bob. [Homer and Marge react with alarm] Marge: Bart, no! Bart: It's him or me, O Lord. [Marge struggles to unclasp Bart's hands] Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone. Homer: Yeah. You do your own dirty work.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: Well, I suppose I should ask you what you do if I'm to be working with you. Cecil: _For_ me, Bob. _For_ me. I am Springfield's chief hydrological and hydrodynamical engineer. Bob: Hydrological and hydrodynamical? Talk about running the gamut. Cecil: Snigger all you like, Bob. Bob: Thank you. I believe I shall.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college. Cecil: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Krusty: Number 73, you're next. Make with the laugh-laugh. Cecil: [clears throat] [meekly] Hey, children. Meet me, Sideshow Cecil. Krusty: [makes buzzer noise] Next! Cecil: Uh, I have prepared a pie-in-the-face take. Krusty: [groans] All right, knock yourself out, kid. Hal? Cecil: [the pie plasters him] Ooh. [he grins half-heartedly]

— "The Brother From Another Series"

That guy's a genius! He's gonna change the way we think about getting hit by pies.

— Krusty on Sideshow Bob, "The Brother From Another Series"

Cecil: When that pie hit your face, I saw my dreams explode in a burst of cream and crust. But I suppose I should thank you. After all, it lead me to my true calling. Bob: Cecil, no civilization in history has ever considered chief hydrological engineer a calling. [Cecil clears his throat meaningfully] Yes, yes, the Cappadocians, fine.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Cecil: There it is, the future site of the Springfield hydroelectric dam. Bob: Just the thought of all that raw power makes me wonder why the hell I should care. Cecil: Because _you'll_ be supervising the construction crew. Bob: Oh, great. I supposed that when a woman passes by, it will be my job to lead in the hooting. `Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam. Capital knockers!'

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Bart: He's planning something evil, I know it. It must have something to do with the town's water supply. Milhouse: Maybe he's gonna pee in the river! Bart: Mmm, nah, that's not his style.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: Who is that? Why, it's Bart Simpson! [calling] Hello, Bart! [Bart ducks] He's just a little shy because I've tried to kill him so many times. Cecil: Ah.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Edna: It's so exciting to be dating a killer. Bob: To be fair, I never successfully killed anyone. Edna: [disappointed] Oh, I see. [at another table, we see Bart spying on the pair] Bob: I did once try to kill the world's greatest lover, [slyly] but then I realized that there are laws against suicide. [Edna chuckles playfully] You get my drift? [they move towards each other, ready to kiss] Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, no! That's Sideshow Bob! Edna: Ah, well that's the last time I announce my dinner plans in class. [leaves angrily]

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: _That_ was Edna Krabappel. You only get one chance with Edna Krabappel, I hope you're happy. Bart: I won't be happy until I find out what you're up to. Wherever you go and whatever you do, I'll be there watching and waiting. Wiggum: He says that, but I bet he gives up pretty quickly.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Cecil: Hello, brother. All's well, I trust? Bob: It most certainly is _not_. The workmen you've given me don't know their asses from the hole in the ground they blew up yesterday. Cecil: Come now, you speak as if they were nothing but a gaggle of slack-jawed yokels. Cletus: Mister Terwillidjer, come quick. There's trouble down to the See-Ment mixer, sir!

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Cletus: See, cousin Merl and me, we were playing with Geech. That's our old smell-hound. And... [said dog has become one big cement dog statue] Merl: Geech gone to heaven, Mister Terwillidjer. Bob: Oh, cousin Merl, really! Cecil: Temper, temper. You know cousin Merl `ain't been quite right' lately.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Lisa: Hey, you said we were going to Dairy Queen. Bart: I lied. Now help me rummage through Bob's trash for clues. Then I promise we'll go to the waterslide. Lisa: Okay. [she hops in]

— Gullible Lisa, "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: [Angrily] You again! Well, that's it. [ominously] I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago. [at the Simpson home, there is a knock at the door. Marge opens it to reveal Bob]. Madam, your children are no more... [pause] ...than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers. Homer: Lisa too? Bob: _Especially_ Lisa. But, _especially_ Bart.

— Isn't that especial? "The Brother From Another Series"

Well, I hope Bob fed you, cause I ate your dinners.

— Homer the caregiver, "The Brother From Another Series"

Bart: He's more the same than ever. And I know where the evidence is. There's only one place where it could possibly be. Lisa: Bob's trailer at the construction site? Bart: [pause] That's even better! Let's go there. [both walk off] Lisa: What were you thinking? Bart: The haunted mine.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: Who left the lights on. Who's in here? Cletus? Cousin Merl? Big Hungry Joe? [behind the watercooler, he sees Bart's distinctive hairline] Bart: [muffled] I think he may have spotted us.

— No kidding, "The Brother From Another Series"

Be careful! There's hydroelectricity in there!

— Sideshow Bob, "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: I've never seen that money before in my life! Lisa: Then you must have had your eyes closed when you embezzled it.

— Lisa's specious reasoning, "The Brother From Another Series"

Cecil: I'm framing you and I'm doing a really excellent job, too. Bob: Wait a minute. This is all because I got to be Krusty's sidekick instead of you, isn't it? Cecil: Off the record, yes. But officially, I did it for the money!

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Cecil: I forgot to mention, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside. Bob: Well, obviously.

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Lisa: Oh, it's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless. Bob: Oh, I see. When it's one of _my_ evil schemes, you can't foil it fast enough, but when _Cecil_ tries to kill you, it's [imitating her] hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless.

— Fraternal resentment, "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: Bart, for once, I'm not trying to kill you. I know it's an awkward situation, and I don't like it any more than you do, but you've got to trust me. Bart: Ah, what the hell.

— That's the spirit, "The Brother From Another Series"

Bart: Let's go again, let's go again! Lisa: No!

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Lisa: Um, do you know what you're doing? Bob: Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a few things about dynamite.

— Or icepicks, "The Brother From Another Series"

Bart: [holding Cecil's eyes closed from behind] Guess who? Cecil: Maris?

— Metahumor, "The Brother From Another Series"

Cecil: At last I'm going to do what Bob never could. Kill Bart Simpson! Bart: Throwing me off a dam? Isn't that a little crude for a genius like you. Cecil: Ooh, I suppose it is. Eh, if anyone asks, I'll lie. [throws him off]

— "The Brother From Another Series"

And now, to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.

— Cecil, "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: You...you saved my life. Bart: Yeah. I guess that means you can't ever try to kill me again! Bob: [sinister music] Oh, I don't know about that. [music stops] Joking, joking!

— "The Brother From Another Series"

You've brought shame to this family, Cecil. Oh, I don't relish having to write the Christmas letter this year.

— Sideshow Bob, "The Brother From Another Series"

Lou: Here's your man, chief. Wiggum: Cecil? I think not. This looks like the work of crazy old Sideshow Bob. Lisa: No, Chief, Bob's innocent, it's the truth! Wiggum: Truth, hah? That sounds like the testimony of crazy old Lisa Simpson. Lou: Cecil just voluntarily confessed, Chief. Wiggum: That's some good work, Lou. You'll make sergeant for this. Lou: Uh, I already am sergeant, Chief.

— The flabby arm of the law, "The Brother From Another Series"

I think I wet my bed.

— Ralph, "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: You can't do this! I saved the children's lives, I'm a hero! Cecil: [craftily] Tell them they'll live to regret this. Bob: You'll live to regret this! [realizing] Oh, thanks a lot, now I look crazy. [Cecil smiles smugly]

— "The Brother From Another Series"

Bob: I, I'm older, I get the top bunk. Cecil: Oh, poppycock, I called it at the arraignment. [Bob is victorious.] [Cecil brushes himself off] So, when do they bring us the menus?

— Sharp learning curve ahead, "The Brother From Another Series"

Moe: Listen up, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? [two men raise their hands] Beat it! I got no room for cheap skates.

— Moe, celebrating St. Patrick's Day, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Top of the morning to ye on this gray, grizzly afternoon. Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street, where today everyone is a little bit Irish, except, of course, for the gays and the Italians.

— Kent Brockman, celebrating St. Patrick's Day, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Parades just bring out so many emotions in me! Joy, excitement, looking...

— Marge, letting herself go at a St. Patrick's Day parade, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?

— Kent Brockman, surveying drunks fighting in his announcer booth, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Brockman: "What are _you_ looking at?"--the innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll _tell_ you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad. A town whose very conscious was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit.

— Commentary on the anarchy abounds at the St. Patrick's Day parade, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Marge: No! No more drinking! I'm tired of looking like the world's worst mother. Homer: Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?

— You look pretty good next to her, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism. Helen Lovejoy: Ohh!! [sobs] Won't somebody _please_ think of the children??

— Give it a rest, Helen, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Narrator: Dateline: Springfield. With prohibition back in force, sobriety's peaceful slogan was shattered by its noisy neighbor, the Speakeasy.

— "The Untouchables" meets "The Simpsons, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Quimby: Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town. You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies! Assistant: [sotto voce] Uh, election in November. Election in November... Quimby: What?? Again?? This stupid country.

— Just a little reminder of who put you in that nice comfy chair, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Narrator: With rum-running hoodlums in the catbird seat, Springfield sent for the one man who could clean up the town and shoot the gangsters: Rex Banner.

— Or is that shoot up the town and clean the gangsters?, "Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment"

Banner: Well, what are you waiting for? Somebody to kiss you goodbye? Wiggum: Well... no, no, no... I guess not.

— Can I at least have my invisible typewriter? "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Fat Tony: How do you know you don't like bribes if you've never taken one? Here. [puts some cash into Rex's hand] Banner: [feeling the cash] Hey...this is nice! [returning to reality] No! No bribes! Fat Tony: Okay. You win. From now on, we'll stick to smuggling heroine. Banner: See that you do!

— Thinner, tougher, but as dumb as Chief Wiggum, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

At first, I thought prohibition was a good thing. People were drinking more and having a lot more fun. Without beer, prohibition doesn't work!

— Homer, missing the point in the word "prohibition, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Brockman: Kent Brockman, at the now-closed Duff bottling plant, where a mysterious person in black keeps a solitary vigil. [Barney, the mysterious person, lays a flower down beside the plant and belches]

— "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Homer: We're going out, Marge! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths! [sets off, carrying Bart by the leg] Marge: [from inside the kitchen] All right!

— Concerned parent, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Bart: Dad! Knocking over gravestones is bad luck! Homer: Really? I heard good.

— "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Marge: What happened to you Homer? And what have you done to the car? Homer: Nothing. Marge: I don't think it had broken axles before. Homer: Before, before! You're living in the past, Marge! Quit living in the past!

— Repair money out of your pocket is the future, however, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Gone bowling. Not back, avenge death.

— Homer to Marge, short and sweet, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Bart: [sneakishly insincere] Another gutter ball. Gee, Homer, you sure do suck tonight! Homer: Yeah. Suck like a fox! [laughs with Bart] [exchanges high fours]

— "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Banner: Listen, rummy, I'm gonna say it plain and simple. Where'd you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side? Barney: [confused] Yes...?

— "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Banner: Pet shop, eh? Well, I just have one question. What kind of pet shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1 am? Moe: Um... doh... Duh best damn pet shop in town! [everyone shouts "Yeah!" and toasts their glasses behind Rex's back]

— "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Banner: You're out there somewhere, beer baron! And I'll find you. Homer: [distant, barely audible] No you won't! Banner: Yes, I will! Homer: Won't!

— "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Banner: Are you the beer baron?? Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt- diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged! Banner: He's not the baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in. [Lou and Eddie arrest Ned]

— A bit too sunny for his own good, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Banner: Are you the beer baron? Comic Book Guy:Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major Metropolitan newspaper. Banner: Don't crack wise with me, tubby! Comic Book Guy:Tubby? Oh yes, tubby.

— Sarcasm doesn't fly with Rex Banner, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Marge: What on Earth happened down there?? Bart: One of the stills b... [Homer puts his hand over Bart's mouth] Homer: Nothing, Marge. I think it must have been that bean I had for dinner.

— Enough internal gas to start a forest fire, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

I've thought about what you've said, honey, and I've decided to quit.

— Homer, ending the "beer baron" charade after it literally blows up in his face, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

The idea that someone like that could operate under my very nose is _laughable_. [starts a sickly laughter that sounds like a spasm] Well, you all know what laughter sounds like, don't you??

— Rex Banner, after winning the war against alcohol and the Beer Baron, "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

Narrator: And so, one town's brief flirtation with prohibition ended in a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor. Congratulations, Springfield! We wish you the very best!

— "Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment"

Bart: Wow! My own credit card! [kisses SLH] Thanks, Santos! [SLH coughs up a quarter] A quarter? Well, you're just the dog who keeps on giving, aren't ya?

— This dog's paying off! "The Canine Mutiny"

Now make like my pants -- and split!

— Comic Book Guy tosses out Bart after he tries to purchase items with a fraudulent credit card, "The Canine Mutiny"

Lisa: You can't afford this. How can you afford this? Bart: Ahh you've been all edgy and suspicious ever since I gave you those Pep Pills. Lisa: [peppy and speedy] What are you talking about-I don't need pep pills to be suspicious-If I wanna comment on it, I'll comment on it-Who's gonna stop me-You, Pep Pill Boy?-Pep boys- pills-Beverly Sills-Oh boy ah boy-Uh oh-uh oh... [walks out of Bart's room and off-screen] Uh oh. I gotta stop taking those pills...

— Lisa uses Bart's pep pills present pretty early, "The Canine Mutiny"

Twelve hundred bucks?? I better just get one.

— Bart orders "quite possibly the World's Best Dog, "The Canine Mutiny"

Homer: Hi, Marge. Hi, Santa's Little Helper. Hi, kids. HEY! That's not Santa's Little Helper! Marge: That's Laddie! Bart says he won him at a church carnival two towns over. Lisa: ...in a truth-telling contest, right, Bart? Bart: Ah, to the best of my recollection. Yes.

— Covering his butt legally, "The Canine Mutiny"

Lisa: Hey, this says we should feed him lots of eggs and olive oil to ensure a glossy coat. Homer: Oh yeah. A dog like this you have to feed everyday.

— Bart gets a new wonder-dog, "The Canine Mutiny"

Bart: He's trained to do all sorts of stuff. He can herd sheep and perform CPR. Marge: [reads from the manual] Some call it the dog that never sleeps, though it actually does -- while jogging! Homer: Gee, that dog has more education than I do!

— Laddie's real S-M-R-T, I mean, S-M-A-R-T, "The Canine Mutiny"

Bart: Hello? Creditor: Hello, Mr. Halper. I'm calling from MoneyBank Credit Services Department. I was wondering if you had a chance to read the threatening letter we sent you. Bart: Daaah...? Creditor: [condescendingly] Because you sound like a mature, responsible person, who wouldn't want an unpaid credit card bill to spoil all his hopes and dreams for the future. Dreams such as home ownership, boat ownership and event- attendance! Now, when can I tell my supervisor, Mr. Robinson, to expect payment? [Laddie takes the phone into his mouth and hangs it up] Bart: [nervously relieved] Good dog.

— The inevitable consequences associated with credit card fraud, committed by Bart, "The Canine Mutiny"

Okay, so I committed a little mail-fraud! Haven't I been punished enough?

— Bart, after Lisa finds out about his credit card fraud, "The Canine Mutiny"

Marge: Homer, are you wearing a tie to impress Laddie? Homer: Do you think he noticed? Marge: [rolls eyes] [sneakishly puts on lipstick to impress Laddie]

— A family not fit for a dog, "The Canine Mutiny"

Well, we wrecked the first dog. We've gotta treat this one right.

— Marge, after Bart attains Laddie the Wonder Dog, "The Canine Mutiny"

Kent: Hey, that is one fine looking animal you got there. Homer: Wow. TV's Kent Brockman! [shakes Kent's hand] Kent: Ha ha! Hey, this fellow's not available to stud, is he? Homer: You want some puppies, eh, Mr. Brockman? Kent: No, no. Jessica's been fixed. She just needs a little [tsk tsk] attention.

— Two Dozen and One Collies, "The Canine Mutiny"

Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

— Milhouse, "The Canine Mutiny"

Homer: Laddie! [whistles] Come'ere, boy! [invitingly] Who wants to lick a messy baby?

— How Homer cleans up Maggie, "The Canine Mutiny"

Marge: What's the matter, Bart? Weren't you happy with him? Bart: No, he just wasn't the right dog for me. I'm sure he'll be happy as a police dog. Homer: [angrily] He better know how to keep his mouth shut.

— Bart gives Laddie the wonderdog away, "The Canine Mutiny"

You gave BOTH dogs away?? You know how I feel about giving!

— Homer, "The Canine Mutiny"

Homer: Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back -- or you can go out there and find your dog. Bart: You're right! I'll do it. [Bart runs out the kitchen] Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food!

— Homer encourages Bart to retrieve Santa's Little Helper, "The Canine Mutiny"

Bart: I'm going to get the dog back! Homer: [off-camera, distant] The good dog or the bad dog? Bart: The bad dog. Homer: Ah good.

— Bad dogs, bad dogs, whatcha gonna do..., "The Canine Mutiny"

Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt. And I 'ate him! [raises a huge bone of meat] [Bart gasps] [tears meat off the bone] I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barkin'! [tosses a bone behind him] So, I gave him to the church. Bart: [relieved] Ohh, I see. You _hate_ him, so you gave him to the church. Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug! [Bart turns around, stares at Willy] Ya heard me!

— I don't wanna know, "The Canine Mutiny"

He unholied the holy water!

— Agnes describes what Santa's Little Helper did at church to Bart, "The Canine Mutiny"

Mr. Mitchell: Hi there. How can I help you? Bart: _You're_ the guy who owns the dog? Mr. Mitchell: Yep. His name is Sprinkles. Bart: Sprinkles?! Mr. Mitchell: Yeah, he's my best buddy, eh. 'specially since my parrot decided to stop talking. [the parrot in question is now a dead skeleton in a cage] Polly? Polly, wanna say hi to my guest? Eh? Fine, be that way.

— Bart's dog's new owner turns out to be blind, "The Canine Mutiny"

[busts down the door, rings the doorbell] Hello! Police! Aw man, if this one's not the right house, I quit!

— Chief Wiggum answers blind Mr. Mitchell's call for burglary, "The Canine Mutiny"

Without it, I could, uh... go even blinder! ... Right?

— Mr. Mitchell, after the cops find his marijuana, "The Canine Mutiny"

And now the thrilling conclusion of "Colonel Dracula Joins the Navy."

— Quality late-night movies, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Marge: [yawn] Lisa, what in the heck are you doing? Lisa: Oh, it's for my Junior Achievers Club. We're trying to earn money by recycling. Bart: Oh, recycling is useless, Lis. Once the sun burns out, this planet is doomed. You're just making sure we spend our last days using inferior products.

— Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

[Marge puts a six-pack ring in a wastebasket] Lisa: Mom, Mom! You're mixing polyapolane with polyurethane Homer: Marge! Marge: [in a "so sue me" way] Well, I'm sorry! Lisa: And, you have to cut these up first. Otherwise, animals get caught in them. Bart: Only the stupid ones.

— Lisa tries to earn money recycling, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Dad, you're not supposed to have fun recycling. This is serious!

— Lisa, saying recycling isn't FUN-damental, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.

— Mr. Burns, guest speaking for Springfield Elementary's Junior Achievers, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: Questions? [somewhat long pause, finally Skinner raises his hand] Skinner: Well, uh, I might take advantage of this rare opportunity even if you children aren't interested. Ah, which do you think is more important? Hard work, or stay-tunededness? Burns: Are there any _real_ questions?

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Mr. Burns: I've called you all here because I need some honest answers. What is my current financial situation? Yes-man #1: Great! Lawyer: Great! Smithers: I hear great.

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash! Smithers: Um, well... sir, it happened twenty five years before I was born. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything!

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Skinner: A half-ton of newspaper and all we get is seventy five cents? That won't even cover the gas I used to go to the store to buy the twine to tie up the bundles. Man: It sounds like _you're_ working for your car-r-r. Simplify-y, ma-an!

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: I see it all, now. You're just a bunch of yes-men. I was making the wrong moves and you were too gutless to tell me! Isn't that right?? Yes-men: Oh, yes, sure, etc. Smithers: Right on, sir.

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Real Estate Agent: And, I'm sure a pro-wrestler such as yourself will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman. Bret: [sniffs] Eww. This place has got old-man stink! Burns: [feeling insecure] Ooh. Smithers: Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.

— Twenty five years of service can warp one's smelling, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: Uh, would it be all right if I kept this portrait? To remind me of better times? Bret: Why would I want a picture of a pitiful pencil-neck GEEK?! Burns: Yeah. Why indeed.

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Marge: Homer, you didn't tell me Mr. Burns went broke and lost the nuclear power plant! Homer: Now I can't remember every little thing that happens in my day. Marge: You told me about that candy bar you found three times. Bart: You found a candy bar? Homer: Oh yes. Gather around, my son, and I shall tell you a tale.

— A tale of a faithful Mars bar, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

[through the intercom] Attention, everybody... um... oh... uh... Work harder, bye!

— Lenny inherits the job as head honcho of the Power Plant, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Well, sir, I have to get to work. Lenny's a real bear on tardiness.

— Smithers begins working for Lenny, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: [to Barney] I'm riding on the bus! Barney: Hey, aren't you that guy everybody hates? Burns: Oh, my, no! I'm Monty Burns.

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

[pushing a cart] [to a woman] I'm shopping!

— Mr. Burns, not losing the common touch, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: Uh, oh, excuse me, could you tell me where I might find the "Burns-Os"? Krusty: Sorry, pops. They don't put nobodies on cereal boxes.

— Silly Burnsie, cereals are for somebodies, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

[notices a box of "Count Chocula" cereal with a cartoon of a vampire on it] Hmm. I suppose this one looks a _bit_ like me.

— Mr. Burns goes shopping, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: Oh, thank you, shopee. I ventured in to search for milk when the door snapped shut behind me! Man: Yeah, those dairy cases are death traps.

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Grocer: He's, uh, talking to the ketchup, now. Burns is sure acting nutty. Supervisor: Maybe going broke and losing his plant destroyed his brain. [they go to Mr. Burns] [Mr. Burns shakes and listens to the "Catsup" and "Ketchup" bottles] Could you come along with us, sir? Burns: Are you here to solve my ketchup problem? Grocer: Yess, that's right.

— Those bottles won't hurt you ANYmore, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: But, where are you taking me? What's happening? Wiggum: Relax. You've gone off your nut, so we're stuffing you into an old folks' home. Those, uh, store guys signed the commitment papers. Burns: [confused] But I'm shopping!

— Not anymore, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Homer: [wobbly] Here you go, honey. [drops a can of Duff into a bag] That's about all the recycling *hic* I can handle today. Lisa: Dad, if you just drink one more I'll have a full bag. Homer: Oh, but Daddy doesn't feel so good. Lisa: Hm. There's gotta be more trash around here somewhere. Homer: Hey, why don't you try the old folks' home? They practically live in their own filth! Lisa: Thanks, Dad! Homer: You're welcome, honey ... [passes out]

— Giving his all for the cause, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Abe: That's the activity room. We're not allowed in there. That's the library. Not allowed in there either. And don't even think about going into the game room. Burns: Egad, man! How are we supposed to pass the time? Abe: Best bet is to stake yourself out a good spot at the staring window. [three decrepit old people stare outside a window, where there's nothing but a bare tree with one leaf, standing on grass] Burns: [shudder]

— Mr. Burns winds up at the Retirement Castle, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Sorry. We're not allowed to read newspapers. They angry up the blood.

— Grampa explains another Retirement Castle restriction to Lisa, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: You! That troublemaking girl! Lisa: My name is Lisa, Mr. Burns. Lisa Simpson. Burns: It doesn't matter what your name is, you idiot! What I want to know is, will you help me get my money back? Lisa: Hah! I'd never help you. You're the worst man in the world.

— Putting it bluntly, "The Old Man in the Lisa"

Sir! I'm so sorry my grocer committed you. We'll never shop there again!

— Smithers, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: Sir, we've never met before, but my name is Mr. Burns and I want your daughter to help make me rich again. Homer: You mean Maggie? [Maggie stares at Mr. Burns and gestures her hand like a gun aimed at him] Burns: Ahh -- the baby who shot me -- no, I was referring to your other daughter.

— The girl who would like to shoot him, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Lisa: If I did agree to help you, you could only earn money by doing good, socially responsible things. Nothing evil. Burns: Nothing evil. That's exactly the kind of radical thinking I need!

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Homer: See that, boy? Why aren't you making any business deals? Bart: [whiney] I'll do it this afternoon!

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage? Lisa: Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel. Burns: Ooh don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel. [Lisa looks unimpressed] With enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds. Lisa: There's a can.

— Worse than a "back in my day..." tale, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: Well, Lisa, as my adviser, you're entitled to ten percent. Lisa: Oh, I'm not doing this for the money. I'm just happy knowing that future generations will enjoy unspoiled median strips and pristine highway embankments. Burns: There's a can.

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Kent: And from our "It's Funny When It Happens to Them" file, remember millionaire C. Montgomery Burns? The man who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy and stole Christmas from 1981 to 1985? Well guess who's flat broke, and picking up trash for a living? Homer: Please be Flanders, Please be Flanders, Please be Flanders!

— Bill the Boom Mic Operator? "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Kent: Excuse me, Mr. Burns, now that you're completely ruined, how do you feel? Burns: Excellent. I'm on my way back to the top! I've turned these cans into can-dos! Kent: Weell, you smell terrible -- Good luck to you, sir.

— Is this going to be like the annual holiday-shelter interview? "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Marge: Wow. He went from stinking rich to just plain stinking! [laughs] [Homer and Bart start laughing with her] Bart: Good one, Mom! Homer: Oh, you're so bad, honey! Lisa: You guys shouldn't laugh at him. Mr. Burns has changed. He's different now. Marge: Yeah, he's broke! [everyone but Lisa resumes laughing] Homer: [congratulatory] Two in a row! [Lisa frowns disappointedly]

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: People, if we meet this week's quota, I'll take you to the most duck-filled pond you ever sat by! Grampa: Oh, hot-diggity! That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche!

— And here Sideshow Bob is building "Matlock" expressways to get votes, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Lisa: Wow, even _I_ didn't know he was so committed to recycling. See? I told you Mr. Burns was changed. See? Marge: Lisa, nobody likes a gloater, right, Homie? Homer: Uh huh. Marge: See?

— Neener neener, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Aww, ain't that cute? Makes Li'l Debbie look like a pile of puke!

— Moe, at the unveiling of the Li'l Lisa Recycling Plant, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns: The whole plant is environmentally sound. It's powered by old newspapers, machinery is made entirely of used cans, and the windows are from the old liquor bottles we collected. [he notices a shadow of Barney outside the liquor bottle windows] [opens the window] Hey! I thought I told you to stop licking my windows! Barney: I know you told me. But when I woke up this morning, I said, "Barney, you're not gonna lick that..." -- [Burns slams the window in Barney's face]

— Save it for your AA sponsor, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Lisa: Stop! Don't recycle! It's murder! You're helping Mr. Burns! Woman: [robotically] But you told us to recycle. Man: [robotically] You convinced us it was good.

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Lisa: [wiping her dress] Oh, I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. I was a fool to help that horrible old man! Homer: I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Smithers: Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work? Homer: I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV.

— Better than a spanking, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Lis, have I told you lately that I love you?

— Bart, after Lisa is offered $12 Million from Mr. Burns, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Hibbert: Well, that's the first case I've ever seen of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks. Lisa: I'm sorry, Dad. Homer: It's all right. I understand. But we really could've used that twelve thousand dollars. Lisa: [nervously] Um, Dad, ten percent of a hundred and twenty million dollars isn't twelve thousand dollars. It's ... [outside the room, a blue-alert goes off] Woman: [over intercom] Code blue! Code Blue!

— "The Old Man and the Lisa"