Movie Trivia

Hostess: Let's hear it for the newest members of the Fleet-A-Pita franchise! [Patti LaBelle's "New Attitude" plays, as the members walk through a Fleet-A-Pita paper wall] Maude! Helen! Agnes! Luanne! Edna! Bart! Bart: Whoo! We're number one! We're number one! [a guard grabs his collar and drags him along] Bart: Hey, what's going on? [protesting] Wait, wait, hey...

— Bart gets dragged away from a club he doesn't belong in, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Frank: Congratulations, and welcome to the dynamic world of mobile pretzel retailing. Marge: When can I start? Where's my territory? Frank: Your... territory. Well, lemme tell ya. Wherever a young mother is ignorant of what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there. Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you will be there. Marge: Don't forget fat people. They can't stop eating! Homer: [passing by the stand] Hey, pretzels!

— "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Hello. I'm Frank Ormand, and if you're watching me, that means you've got pretzel fever -- and not the kind that attacked my intestinal lining some years back. [starts a sickening laughter] So let's get your franchise up and running.

— America's funniest pretzel videos, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Welcome back, space girl! [wipes a tear]

— Chief Wiggum's emotional cry, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Frank: Now you're ready to make pretzels. Open your bag of ingredients... [does so, to find bugs inside] Urgh. Check for -- millipedes. Erghh.

— Less millipedes and your intestinal lining might've remained okay, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Homer: Hey, what's all that commotion outside? Why, it's one of those pretzel wagons the movie stars are always talking about. Lenny: [gasps] Here? Our plant? Homer: That's right, Lenny. Let's all give in to deliciousness -- the Pretzel Wagon way! [everybody cheers] Homer: [among the commotion] Yeah! Homer's right!

— The perfect setup, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Marge: Welcome to Pretzel Wagon. May I take your order? Lenny: [hesitating] Uh, let's see. I'll have... one, uh... Carl: Hey, hurry up. I wanna get my pretzel. Lenny: One pretzel. Marge: Thank you. Carl: [now in front of the line] Uh, let's see, um... I will have one of your, uh... Burns: Come on, come on, while we're young.

— We are?!, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Lenny: Wow, check out that van! It looks like it doesn't even _need_ out business. Carl: Hey, let's go!

— Looks like your average customer to me, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Marge: *Excuse* me. I had this spot first. Edna: Sorry dear, just business. Ha! Marge: Well, I guess Macy's and Gimbels learned to live side by side. Agnes: Gimbels is gone, Marge, long gone. You're Gimbels.

— "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Cletus: [waving] Hey slow down! I wants to talk to you! [Homer stops the car] Cletus: Give us three hundred pretzels. Marge: [to Homer] You see? A little persistence and patience paid off! [to Cletus] That'll be three hundred dollars. Cletus: Hey I don't think so. I got me three hundred coupons. [Cletus hands an armful of coupons to Marge] Marge: [growls] I should've said "Limit: one per customer." Cletus: Should'a but didn't so hand 'em over. Hey! Kids! We're eatin' dinner tonight!

— Learning business the hard way, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Marge: [reading the poster] "Hang in there, baby!" You said it, kitty. [looking more closely] "Copryright 1968." Hmm, determined or not, that cat must be long dead. That's kind of a downer.

— That's one depressing way of looking at a citations dictionary, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Marge: Here you go! Free Pretzel Wagon pretzels for everyone. One bite and you'll be hooked! Skinner: [takes one] Thank you! Pedro: [takes one] Gracias! Homer: [whispering] That means "thank you," Marge!

— Your own pocket dictionary, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Announcer #1: And here come the pretzels! Marge: Oh, no! No, don't do that! You're suppose to be _tasting_ them! Announcer #2: Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field pleading with the crowd for... for some kind of sanity. Announcer #1: Uh-oh, and a barrage of pretzels now knocking Whitey unconscious. Announcer #2: Wow. This is uh... This is a black day for baseball.

— Remembered throughout history, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Bart: Cheer up, Mom. You can't buy publicity like that. Thousands and thousands of people saw _your_ pretzels injuring Whitey Ford! Homer: You could call them Whitey-Whackers.

— Buy one and get a chance to knock Whitey yourself!, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Marge needs help... and God knows I'm not the man to provide it. But I know who can.

— Ah, that's close enough, Homer, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Homer: I'm here to see Mr. Ormand. Woman: Of course. Right this way. [in the living room is held Ormand's funerals] Homer: Oh, I guess I should speak to the executor of his estate. Woman: [whispering] He's right over there. [points to another coffin] They were in the same car.

— "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Homer: I've never reached to you before but my wife is in her hour of need. Your help could make all the difference in the world. Tony: Okay. Louie: See boss? I told you that as in the church bulletin would pay off.

— "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Marge: No. Pretzel Wagon's no longer... 300 pretzels?! Wait! Wait! Let me get this down. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Meat Packer's Union Hall, Batavia, New York. I'll send them right out!

— Don't you smell a fish?, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Marge: Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels? Skinner: [robotic tone] Yes, I am sure. Sure as sure can be. [uses his injured right hand to give Marge her money] Marge: Oh my god. What happened to your fingers? Thug: [from inside the room] Boating accident... Skinner: I believe it was a boking accident. [from behind, a targeting beam aims for his head] I have to go now.

— Can't get enough of those *gulp* yummy pretzels, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Helen: I don't understand why they won't unload our falafel fixings. Lou: Ship's impounded, Ma'am. Wiggum: Yeah, we, uh, found a couple of barnacles on the hull; that and, uh, the deck was, uh, wet.

— Fear from the wet decks!, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Helen: That's crazy! And _what_ are those men doing under my van? [the men flee the van] Wiggum: Look, lady, if I was you, I would just leap into the air as I am preparing to do. [they both leap and the van explodes]

— Pretzel Wagon's business is, uh, exploding, "The Twisted Tales of Marge Simpson"

Tony: [clearing his throat] Greetings, Homer. Homer: Hey! Fat Tony! You still with the mafia? [walks away] Tony: Uh... Uh, yes, I am. [holds him back] Thank you for asking. Now, Homer, as you no doubt recall, you were done a favor by our, uh, how shall I say -- Mafia Crime Syndicate. Homer: Oh, yeah... Tony: Now the time has come for you to do _us_ a favor. Homer: [shocked] You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony! I will say good day to you, sir! [folds his arms in disgust]

— What's the world coming to?, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Well, here I am -- 11905 Dead Weasel Road. I don't see any apartment building.

— You SURE you don't smell a fish, Marge?, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Marge: Hey! Wh-what's going on?! [Fat Tony walks to the car, and tries to take the keys -- but they won't come off] Tony: Is, uh, there a button or a release for these keys? Marge: Oh. Oh, you have to push in as you turn. Tony: Ah. [does so] Marge: Yeah, that's it.

— Cooperative key tips, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

You have 24 hours to give us our money. And to show you we're serious... you have 12 hours.

— Mafia practices, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Marge: Homer! Did you tell the mafia they could eliminate my competitors with savage beatings and attempted murder? Homer: [swallowing beer] In those words? ... Yes.

— "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

I saw your pouring your heart and soul into this business and getting nowhere. I saw you desperately trying to cram one more salty treat into America's already bloated snack hole. So I did what I could. I did what any loving husband would do! I reached out to some violent mobsters.

— Loving husbands like Homer, unite!, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Grampa: [in boxers] I had that dream again... Homer: Oh, thank God, it's only Grampa. [slams door]

— "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Tony: Sorry we're late. Could we have the money now? Marge: The answer -- is no. Tony: I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife, she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies. "Where's the money?" "When are you going to get the money?" "Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on.

— Kind of like a broken record of the Macarena, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Edna: Well, well, if it isn't Marge Simpson and her gangland cronies. Maude: Your goon squads certainly gave you the edge in the mobile snack business. But I'm afraid we've outdone you once again. Hiroshi, Yukio... [steps aside to reveal a group of armed Japanese] Perhaps you've heard of the Yakuza -- the Poison Fists of the Pacific Rim -- the Japanese mafia. Agnes: They'll kill ya five times before you hit the ground!

— "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Marge: Homie, maybe we should go inside. Homer: But, Marge, that little guy hasn't done anything yet. Look at him. [the man in white suit stands still amidst the fight] He's going to do something and you know it's going to be good. [Marge pulls him back into the house and shuts the door] [inside, a loud ninja yell can be heard, followed by a thump] Homer: Aw...

— Your very own Jackie Chan, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Lisa: [yawning] What's going on outside? Marge: Oh it's just a mob war. Go back to sleep, honey. [the "little guy" is tossed through the kitchen window] Man: [wiping glass from his suit and bowing] Forgive-a-ness, please! [runs out the backdoor to return to the fight]

— Bless that Yakuza, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Skinner: [over intercom] Finally, the bake sale to raise money for the car wash has been cancelled due to confusion. Well, that concludes this morning's announcements; I'm Seymour Skinner and stand by to resume learning in five, four, three, two, one... Krabappel: Ugh, it's hard enough to keep the kids awake without you, Seymour.

— "Grade School Confidential"

Martin: [raises hand] Mrs. Krabappel, I also have an announcement to make. Krabappel: Can't it wait until I retire? Martin: [clears throat and gets up] I want one and all to join me in celebrating the anniversary of my portentous birth. [begins to pass out invitations] [gives one to Nelson] Here you are, Nelson. Nelson: A birthday party? [makes raspberry noise, and shoves the invitation to the floor] Martin: [picks it up, and puts it back on the desk] Here you are, Nelson. [Nelson, again with the appropriate sound effect, knocks it back to the floor] [picks it up, and puts it back on the desk] Here you are, Nelson. Nelson: I said, [raspberry]

— Book smart, socially stupid, "Grade School Confidential"

Homer: All right, men, get ready to blast off. [Slowly begins to drive forward] Whooo! We're in orbit now! What's that? A call from the President? Hello? [Switches to Nixon voice] Uh, yes. Let me just say this, about that. [Homer voice] Okay, Mr. President ... Milhouse: Bart, this is boring. [Bart and Milhouse get out of the wagon] Homer: ... There's some dangerous crabgrass over here ... Bart: I guess we could go to Martin's party. Milhouse: I don't know. If we're seen there, it will definitely take our social standing down a notch. Bart: We're what now, three? Milhouse: Three and a half. We get beat up, but we get an explanation.

— Social climbers, "Grade School Confidential"

Krabappel: Hi, Bart. Bart: [startled, he drops his glass] Uh, Mrs. K! Hey, it's Saturday; you're powers are useless against me. Krabappel: Relax. I'm just here to have fun like everybody else, so don't think of me as your teacher. Bart: Okay ... so ... Krabappel: Mmm-hmm. [Krabappel sips some punch, and she and Bart laugh awkwardly] Bart: Excuse me. [Walks off about twenty yards, and just stands there] Krabappel: [sighs]

— Easier said than done, Mrs. Krabappel, "Grade School Confidential"

Lisa: But seven goes into twenty-eight four times. Mathemagician: Uh, this is a -magic- seven!

— "Grade School Confidential"

Skinner: Edna! Krabappel: Seymour. Skinner: Mind if I sit down? Krabappel: It's a free country. Skinner: I, I don't follow you. Krabappel: Oh ... just sit down, Seymour. [he does] It might be nice to talk to a grown-up for a change, heh. Skinner: Well this party is certainly a break in my routine. You know, normally I spend my Saturdays carefully laying out my clothes for the following week, then I stroll down to the car wash to see if Gus is there. Krabappel: Oh, yeah, you gotta keep busy. I collect matchbooks from glamorous nightclubs. It's amazing -- if you just write to them and ask them nicely... [trails off] Skinner: Is this how you imagined your life, Edna? Krabappel: Well yes, but then I was a very depressed child. Skinner: To poor decisions. [they clink glasses] Krabappel: Hear, hear. [they drink up]

— "Grade School Confidential"

Mrs. Skinner: Seymour! I told you not to play in the neighbor's yard. Skinner: It's a party, mother. I was invited. Mrs. Skinner: Well ... then I must have been invited too! [jumps down, and runs around to join the party]

— It's only logical, "Grade School Confidential"

Martin's Dad: [to wife] I told you we should have served cake instead of oysters! Martin: I'm ruined! Nelson: [punches Martin in the gut] Ha-ha, ohh... [collapses]

— That'll drop your social standing a notch or two, "Grade School Confidential"

Lisa: Bart, how come you're not sick? Bart: Eh, I gave my oysters to the cat. [points to an ill-feeling cat] Hey, why'd you eat 'em? I thought you were a vegetarian. Lisa: I didn't. I just wanted to leave.

— Making a graceful exit, "Grade School Confidential"

Skinner: More tea, Edna? Krabappel: What kind of little boy has a tea set? Skinner: [pours tea] I think we both know the answer to that ... a lucky boy. Krabappel: [chuckles] You know, Seymour, you have an innocence about you that can be quite charming. Skinner: Oh? Well, I've always admired your tart honesty and ability to be personally offended by broad social trends. Krabappel: Oh, really? Skinner: Very much. And your laugh. Krabappel: You mean, "Ha!" Skinner: Mmm-Hmm. That's the one that makes me feel ... [Krabappel holds his hand] Oh, boy. Do you have a, uh, breath mint that I could borrow? Krabappel: I have some menthol cigarettes. Skinner: Oh, the heck with it. [they kiss passionately]

— This could be the start of something ... well not beautiful, exactly, "Grade School Confidential"

Bart: You are never going to guess what I saw at Martin's party after you guys left. You know that playhouse? Well, I... Skinner: [overhearing] Good gravy! Worker: Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water.

— "Grade School Confidential"

Skinner: Now, Bart, son. I don't know what you think you saw ... but, uh ... let me assure you... Krabappel: What Seymour's, oh, what Principal Skinner means to say, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him. Bart: That's the best you can do? You could have at least said that you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play. Skinner: Is it too late to say that? Bart: [nods] Mmm-hmm. Krabappel: We're just a little concerned, that if people were to find out that a principal were dating a teacher, they might see it as a conflict of interest. Skinner: And there are those who might try to use it against us for their own advantage. Bart: Like me, for one. Skinner: Like you ... for ... Bart, if life has taught me one lesson repeatedly, it's to know when I'm beaten. Let's talk deal.

— "Grade School Confidential"

Krabappel: As you know, Bart, your permanent record will one day disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs. Skinner: What do you say, son? You keep our secret and some other student can inherit your gloomy, windblown future. [holds up Milhouse's noticeably thinner file] Bart: [pauses to think] Deal! Skinner: [pastes Milhouse's name label onto Bart's file] This is a great day for forbidden love.

— A Faustian bargain, "Grade School Confidential"

Skinner: Mmmm. This dessert is exquisite. What do you call it? Krabappel: Applesauce. Skinner: [chuckles] Oh, of course. I'm sorry, I, I don't get out to restaurants much. Krabappel: That's okay. I don't entertain much. Usually it's just soup for one, salad for one, wine for three. Skinner: [laughs] You know, I always thought I'd fall for a woman just like mother, even though I didn't want to. And now that I haven't, I've discovered what true happiness can be, Edna. Krabappel: Seymour, [gets up] swallow that applesauce and kiss me. Skinner: I'm afraid I already swallowed it while you were talking. [Skinner and Krabappel embrace, roll down to the floor.]

— Educators in love, "Grade School Confidential"

Krabappel: Do you think anyone saw us? Skinner: No, it went just as we planned -- except they confiscated my thermos of cola at the door. Krabappel: Aw. Chalmers: [waking up] Skinner! Krabappel! What are you two doing here? Krabappel: Superintendent Chalmers! Skinner: Uh, why we're, here on a um, a, a, what do you c-- a field trip Krabappel: With a student. Skinner: Yes, he's ah... Krabappel: Uh, he's purchasing refreshments in the lobby. Skinner: I'm uh, uh, I'll go get him right now. [sotto voce to Krabappel] Car keys, car keys, car keys. Krabappel: [hands him the keys]

— A close call, "Grade School Confidential"

Skinner: Mother doesn't approve of me dating so I need you to keep her busy for a few hours while Edna and I sneak out. [sneaks out] Bart: Oh, I can't take much more of this. Mrs. Skinner: I collect pictures of cakes that I clip out of the magazines. It all started in 1941 when "Good Housekeeping" featured a photo of a lovely cake. [opens album] Bart: You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here, would you? Mrs. Skinner: Oh, my, no. I don't care for cake, too sweet. Now, this is called a Lady Baltimore cake. [points to a picture] At my age, I don't have much saliva left, so you'll have to lick my thumb before I can turn the page. [gives Bart the thumbs-up] Bart: Oh, can't I just turn the page for you? [reaches for the page] Mrs. Skinner: [slaps Bart's hand away] No! But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you. Bart: Okay ... that one. [points] Mrs. Skinner: [slaps Bart's hand away] No! You can't have that one! That's a coconut cake!

— Now who would want to sneak away from this woman? "Grade School Confidential"

Skinner: Mrs. Krabappel, Bart has something he wants to say to you. Bart: I won't say it! Skinner: Bart! Bart: Oh ... [shudders] I love you, Edna Krabappel. [winces as the entire class laughs at him] Sherri and Terri: [sing-song] Bart's going to marry the teacher. Nelson: Where are you registered, Simpson? Bart: Oh ... Krabappel: Thank you Bart, that was very sweet. You may sit down now. Bart: [under breath] You're not going to get away with this. Krabappel: [standing up] Class, I'm going to step out for a few minutes. Martin, you're in charge. [leaves] Martin: Now Bart [mock cough] You must promise not to fall in love with me. [class laughs again] Bart: Oh, now, Martin's scoring off me. Oh, that is it. [gets up on chair] Listen up, everybody! Follow me! [leads the students out of the classroom]

— So what's your social rating now, Bart, "Grade School Confidential"

Bart: Okay, crew, set your faces to stunned. [opens the door, revealing a stunning sight, indeed: Skinner and Krabappel in lip-lock. They both look up, horrified. Edna tries gamely to tug her skirt back down her leg, but it scoots back up] Skinner: Um, uh, school dismissed!

— Now on to the extracurricular activities, "Grade School Confidential"

... and Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel were kissing -- and swearing!

— Milhouse, "Grade School Confidential"

Father! Uncle Apu! A teacher was in the closet with the principal and he had as many arms as Vishnu and they were all very busy.

— Pahusacheta Nahasapeemapetilon, "Grade School Confidential"

Lisa: I was in the library at the time, but Janey told me that Principal Skinner and Bart's teacher, Mrs. -- what's her name? Marge: Krabappel? Lisa: Yeah, Krabappel. They were naked in the closet together. Marge: [gasps] Oh, my goodness! Homer: Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself! [runs out of the room]

— Right conclusion, wrong reason, "Grade School Confidential"

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. Wiggum: The baby looked at you? [picks up phone] Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers. [Mrs. Wiggum dials the number] Thank you, Sarah. [Mrs. Wiggum smiles knowingly]

— "Grade School Confidential"

Chalmers: Skinner! Skinner: [startled] Superintendent Chalmers. Chalmers: The whole town's in an uproar about your sleazy shenanigans. Now, I'm going to give you a choice: You can either give up this tawdry, fulfilling relationship, or you two will be out of here so fast your mortarboards will spin. And where is your mortarboard, anyway? Skinner: Uh, right here, sir. [retrieves it and puts it on, sending a cloud of dust flying] Chalmers: So, what'll it be, Seymour? Skinner: Well, I'm sorry but uh, I can't give up the woman I love. Chalmers: Well, then I'm afraid you leave me no choice. I want you out of the building by three o'clock. You're fired. Edna, too. Skinner: [gasps]

— Guess what, honey! I got us both canned, "Grade School Confidential"

Krabappel: Well, it's going to be hard to say goodbye to all of you. We've had a lot of fun together. [walks through the rows of students] Nelson, Nelson, Nelson. How many kids have you beaten up this year? Nelson: [shrugs] I dunno; fifty. Krabappel: Ah, fifty. Where does the time go?

— Goodbye, Mrs. Chips -er- Krabappel, "Grade School Confidential"

We're not going anywhere. I'm going to do what Bart should have told me to do a long time ago.

— Principal Skinner, "Grade School Confidential"

Willie hears ya. Willie don't care.

— Groundskeeper Willie, "Grade School Confidential"

So, once again, I've been had. But an even more interesting story has developed high atop this two-story school -- a love story.

— Kent Brockman, "Grade School Confidential"

Chalmers: [through bullhorn] Skinner, get off of my school. Skinner: No, you get off of my school. Marge: Homer, Bart's up there! Homer: [taking bullhorn from Chalmers] Gimmie that. [through bullhorn] Bart, this is your father. Do you know where the remote is? I looked all over the house. Bart: Did you check your pockets? Homer: [checks, and find that the remote was in his back pocket all along] [through the bullhorn to Marge] It was ... [lowers bullhorn] ... it was in my pocket.

— Marge should've gotten him the hostage negotiation tape, after all, "Grade School Confidential"

Skinner: [casually] I'll get it. [picks up receiver] Talk to me. Chalmers: You have got to end this thing, Seymour. Skinner: We're not coming down until our jobs are reinstated and you acknowledge and celebrate our love. Chalmers: No one would like to celebrate your love more than I, but I'm a public servant, and not permitted to use my own judgement in any way. Krabappel: [taking phone] Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople. Chalmers: Oh, yeah, that'll be -real- productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The, the guy with a bumblebee suit, or the one with a bone through his hair? Mel: My opinions are as valid as the next man's! Chalmers: Yeah, all right. Just come on down.

— "Grade School Confidential"

Krabappel: Just speak from the heart, Seymour. Tell them how we brought a little happiness into each others' lives. Ask them why they're forcing two dedicated people to choose between their careers and their hearts. Mrs. Flanders: Excuse me Edna, I don't think were talking about love here. We're talking about S-E-X. In front of the C-H-I- L-D-R-E-N. Krusty: Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down.

— Keep up those spelling lessons, Krusty, "Grade School Confidential"

Skinner: This is absurd! I did not have relations in that closet and the fact is I haven't ... [hesitates] um ... Chalmers: Yes? Krabappel: Seymour, I think you'd better tell them. It's the only way to clear our names. Skinner: Well, everyone, the fact is, I haven't ever had relations. I am a virgin. [the crowd is stunned] Nelson: Ha - ha! Homer: Hey, does this mean that Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin, too? Krabappel: [offscreen] Ha!

— Let's not push it, "Grade School Confidential"

Chalmers: Well, it's clear you've been falsely accused. Because no one, anywhere, ever, would pretend to be a 44-year-old virgin. [the crowd walks off] Krusty: Oh, that's for sure. Hibbert: I'm, uh, I'm inclined to agree. Willie: Ach! I'll never look at him the same again. Lenny: That was more than I wanted to know. Chalmers: [clears throat] Okay, well um, Edna, Seymour, in light of these uh, uh, revelations, I uh, suppose we uh, overreacted. Krabappel: Do we have our jobs back? Chalmers: What? Oh yes, yes, sure. Just uh, you know, keep the lewdness to a minimum. [hurries off]

— Uncompromising standards, "Grade School Confidential"

Bart: I'm outta here. Skinny, Krabby, catch ya later. Skinner: Uh, hold on, Bart. May we have a word with you? Krabappel: We want to thank you for helping us through a difficult period. Bart: Oh, no problemo. So I guess now you'll be getting married or something, huh? Krabappel: Well, actually, Seymour and I have decided to break up. Bart: Huh? Skinner: Mm. We can't continue on like this, trying to build a private relationship in public, the whole town watching our every move with a fine-toothed comb. Krabappel: Mmm-hmm. I'm used to humiliation but not in front of a crowd that size. Bart: Aw, but you seemed like such a good couple. Krabappel: Bart. When you get a little older you're going to learn that sometimes romances don't turn out exactly the way you'd like them to. Bart: [sighs and trudges out of the building] Skinner: That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

— "Grade School Confidential"

Smithers: Good morning, sir. Care for some coffee? Burns: [joyful] No, the promise of a new day is more than enough exhilaration for me. [time passes, and Burns gradually loses his energy] [at 11:30, his head bangs on his desk] Burns: [exhausted] Smithers... coffee.

— "Mountain of Madness"

Burns: We need some excitement around here! Smithers: Chinese checkers or domestic, sir? Burns: No, no. Something _fun_. Something the men will enjoy... like a safety drill! But what kind?

— That sounds like a lot of fun indeed, "Mountain of Madness"

Burns: Meltdown alert? Mad dog drill? Blimp attack? Ah... I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today. [alarm goes off; most people just stare, intrigued] Carl: All right, popcorn's ready! [takes the bag out of the microwave and pours kernels in a bowl] Homer: Hey... that's the fire alarm. Carl: We gotta get out of here. Lenny: Wait for me! [filling a cup at the cocoa machine] Come on, come on, come on!

— Why save your life when there's cocoa?, "Mountain of Madness"

Burns: Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant? Smithers: Forty five seconds. Burns: And what's our time so far? Smithers: I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes. Burns: Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me? [Homer runs out the door]

— Does that answer your question?, "Mountain of Madness"

Homer: I think I won, Mr. Burns. Burns: Yes. [hauntingly] You won, all right. You won more than you bargained for. Homer: Woo-hoo!

— "Mountain of Madness"

Homer: So, Mr. Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about _teamwork_. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here. Bart: Teamwork is overrated. Homer: Huh? Bart: Think about it. I mean, what _team_ was Babe Ruth on? Who knows. Lisa+Marge: Yankees. Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

— Bartweek Monthly, "Mountain of Madness"

Marge: Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun! Ranger: Oh, I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining. [long pause] Well, uh, see ya.

— And that's just a sample, "Mountain of Madness"

Smithers: Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain. The routes are trecherous, so use your maps. Homer: [raising hand] Uhh, I lost my map. Smithers: You haven't been issued a map, yet.

— Better safe than sorry, "Mountain of Madness"

Smithers: When you arrive at the cabin, there will be a congratulatory party with sandwiches and moderately-priced champagne. [the crowd applauds] Burns: Now, as an added incentive, the second-to-last team to arrive at the cabin will receive an hilarious "world's first employee trophy." Homer: Hey, this sounds like fun! Burns: And the last team to arrive will be fired. Homer: [chuckles] [realizing] Uh-oh.

— "Mountain of Madness"

And to show that I'm not playing favorites, both Smithers and I will be participating. Who knows? _I_ might be the unlucky one who gets fired. [sotto voce] Not bloody likely.

— Mr. Burns' confidence, "Mountain of Madness"

Smithers: I've placed all your names in this hat. Homer: Ooh! Smithers: Thank you.

— "Mountain of Madness"

Smithers: Now pair off as I draw your names. Lenny and... Carl. Carl: Aw nuts! I mean, um... Aw nuts.

— "Mountain of Madness"

Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates. Burns: Yes, well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill lately. Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?

— Perhaps the boathouse was indeed the time, "Mountain of Madness"

Well, there's only one name left. Whoever it is will be paired with me. And that person is -- Waylon Smithers. Perfect. That's just perfect.

— Smithers, "Mountain of Madness"

Smokey: Only _who_ can prevent forest fires? [Bart chooses the "You" button over the "Me"] You pressed "you," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is "you". Bart: [kicks the robot] Mom, can Lisa and I play outside -- away from the bear?

— "Mountain of Madness"

Smithers: How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns? After all I've done for you. Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your boney old behind! ["boney old behind" echoes] Burns: Why, thank you, Simpson! I have been watching my figure.

— Gotta keep that healthy skeletal look, "Mountain of Madness"

Lisa: Hi, Mr. Smithers. Smithers: Oh great. It's the Bobsey Twins. Well take your prying eyes elsewhere.

— Careful, you might need 'em one day to get out of jail, "Mountain of Madness"

Lisa: We'll help you. Bart: I have a watch with a minute hand. Smithers: [sighs] All right, you can come. What time is it? Bart: 12:80. No wait. Wait. Wh-what comes after 12? Smithers: One. Bart: No, _after_ twelve! Smithers: [groan]

— Smithers and the kids, a new sitcom idea, "Mountain of Madness"

Burns: Tell me, Simpson. If an opportunity arose for taking a small shortcut, you wouldn't be adverse to taking it, would you? Homer: Uhh, not as such. Burns: Neither would I. I've always felt that there's far too much hysteria these days about so-called cheating. Homer: Yes, a lot of -- hysteria. [worried look] Burns: Mm-hmm. If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift or the jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well, I say cheating is the gift man gives himself! Homer: Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat. Burns: Excellent.

— "Mountain of Madness"

Homer: Wow, you sure know how to cheat, Mr. Burns. Burns: Yes, well, I'm older than you. Burns: You know, Simpson, you're not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met. Homer: No, sir, I am not.

— The right answer, "Mountain of Madness"

Narrator: The story of our national parks begins in 1872. Perhaps we should let John Muir tell the tale. Muir: [as if drunk] Oh, yeah, I remember... [followed by incomprehensible mumbling] [Marge stares]

— "Mountain of Madness"

Marge: Excuse me, sir? I can't find my children. Ranger: Have you checked the woods? Marge: No. Ranger: Hmm. Follow me. We'll take the chair lift. It'll give us an eagle-eye view of the area directly beneath the chair lift.

— "Mountain of Madness"

Ranger: I won't lie to you. Our chances of finding your children are slim to nil. Lisa: [from below] Hi mom! [Smithers and the kids are waving at Marge] Marge: There they are! Let me down here. Ranger: Sorry. There's no way off till we get to the top, and even then it's sort of tricky. Marge: [grunts] [yelling] All right, kids, we'll meet you at the top! Just be careful! Ranger: Uh, actually, I'm a little more concerned about us. [one of the two rails holding the chair snaps] Um, do you know how to weld?

— Up the creek without a paddle, "Mountain of Madness"

Burns: We have several hours before the others arrive, let's say we get comfy. [turns on the fusebox] Now we have electricity. [turns on the gas] This propane tank will supply us with heat. And this doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin. Homer: No going through the window for us!

— Simple luxuries, "Mountain of Madness"

Bart: Is there maple syrup in this one? Smithers: There isn't any food in any of these trees. Please, Bart, we've got to hurry! I can't be the last one to reach the cabin. Bart: Hey, *I*'m not gonna get fired. Is there any gold in this mountain? Smithers: [sputtering] It doesn't matter! Bart: I'll check. [draws a knife, and starts digging] Lisa: [running] Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! I found another hurt shrew. I think this one has a twisted ankle. Smithers: [sighs] Twisted ank... [sputters] Aren't there _any_ healthy animals in this forest?

— I can hear God laughing at you, "Mountain of Madness"

Homer: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny. Burns: Oh yes. But I'd trade it all for a little more.

— "Mountain of Madness"

Homer: Oh, these sure are comfortable chairs. Burns: Oh, yes, sitting. The great leveler. From the mightiest Pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn't enjoy a good sit? Homer: Oh, man, you are so right. Did you ever sit like this? [lazily slides down, resting more of his legs on the table] Burns: Yes, yes, that's it. Oh, I could go for one of those right now. [does as Homer did] The only hard part is getting up. Homer: [chuckles] Why get up? Here's a little move I've been tinkering with. Say I want that bowl of dip. [said bowl is at the other end of the table] Burns: Why, you'd have to get up. Homer: Oh? [bangs his foot on the table] [at each hit, the bowl bounces closer to him] [gives the final blow] Dip! [the bowl jumps in his palm] Burns: [admiring] Sir, I am in your debt. Homer: Use it wisely, my friend.

— Homer Wan Kenobi, "Mountain of Madness"

Lenny: Hey, did you hear something? Carl: No. Lenny: Hmm. Did I? Carl: [exhasperated] I don't know.

— Teamwork at work, "Mountain of Madness"

Carl: According to the map, the cabin should be right here. Lenny: Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them metaphorical things. Carl: Oh yeah, yeah... Like maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us, created by our goodwill and teamwork. Lenny: [in a flash of insight] Ohhh! Nah, they said there would be sandwiches.

— Confucianism and sandwiches, "Mountain of Madness"

Burns: Simpson, I have a confession. I'm not quite the tunnel-digger I made myself out to be. Homer: You can supervise me. Burns: All right, good! Let's dig! That's right! Dig some more! Oh, we make quite a duo -- Burns and associate. No, no, what am I thinking? Burns and teammate.

— Such recognition..., "Mountain of Madness"

Burns: What happened? [snow rumbles] Homer: I think when we yelled we caused another avalanche. [rumble] Burns: [whispering] We should... be... careful... not... to speak... unless... it's... absolutely... pos-i-tively... necessary. [violent rumbling] Homer: Shh. [rumble] You're... causing... more... avalanches. [rumble] I [rumble] think [rumble] they've [rumble] stopped. [violent rumble] Burns: Let's go. [violent rumble]

— Rumble rumble rumble rake scene rumble rumble, "Mountain of Madness"

Burns: Those last three avalanches were your fault, Simpson. Homer: So what? Burns: Sew buttons! [narrow eyes at each other]

— "Mountain of Madness"

Lenny: Well, we made it here first. All thanks to teamwork. Carl: Yeah, *my* teamwork.

— "Mountain of Madness"

Hmm. No books, no radio, no boardgames. Ah! A "Bazooka Joe" comic! Ugh, I read that one seventy five years ago!

— Believe me Monty, they haven't inproved since, "Mountain of Madness"

Homer: We could build snowmen. Burns: No, I have a better idea! We could build real men, out of snow! Homer: Oh. Okay...

— A new generation of Frosty the Snowmans, "Mountain of Madness"

Lisa: Mr. Smithers, Mr. Smithers! That moose is on fire! Smithers: Fine, good. I don't care anymore.

— "Mountain of Madness"

Burns: Ah, 206 bones, 50 miles of small intestine, full pouting lips. Why, this fellow is less a snowman... than a god. [pan to a snowman identical to Homer's]

— And what a god, "Mountain of Madness"

Burns: Look at them. Smug and secure in their finery. Mocking us. Homer: Uh, they're just snowmen, Mr. Burns. Burns: Ah, snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch. To watch for a moment of weakness and then BAFF comes the knock in the head and we're down! Homer: [worriedly] What do we do?? Burns: Oh...wouldn't you like to know.

— "Mountain of Madness"

Ranger: Hey, what is going on here? Who are you people? This is a lookout post. Where is Ranger McFadden? Drunk: [slurred] I was just happy to see some of the nice people! Ranger: Quiet, you drunk. Where's ranger McFadden? McFadden: Right here, sir. Right behind the drunk.

— "Mountain of Madness"

McFadden: [whistles] Look at all these avalanches. Do you think _they_ could have buried the cabin? Ranger: Well, I'll tell you one thing: they didn't come here for the mountain music festival. March 14th to 18th.

— Good luck when the tuba starts playing, "Mountain of Madness"

Hmm. Look at his eyes. He's trying to hypnotize me, but not in the good Las Vegas way.

— Homer, "Mountain of Madness"

Burns: I'll kill you, you bloated museum of trechery! Homer: You and what army? [imagines Nazi snowmen behind Burns] [gasps and shakes] Stand back! I have powers! [threateningly] Political powers! Burns: [imagines dead world leaders behind Homer] Uuh!

— Slightly revised history with Gandhi playing kick-boxing, "Mountain of Madness"

Ranger: Okay, search party, before we set out, let's take a moment to humor the children. [to Bart and Lisa] Kids, your father's gonna be just fine! Okay, everybody, put on your corpse-handling gloves, we've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain. Bart: Did you hear that, Lis'? Dad's gonna be _just_ fine.

— Uh, yeah, I suppose..., "Mountain of Madness"

Oh Lord, protect this rockethouse and all who dwell within the rockethouse.

— Homer, "Mountain of Madness"

Smithers: It's them, all right. Marge: We're over here, Homie! Lenny: Oh, something's wrong with its breaks! Gangway!

— They ain't makin' rockethouses like in the good ol' days, "Mountain of Madness"

Burns: So, how did we do? Smithers: [looking at his stopwatch] It's a new record, sir. Burns: Outstanding. Well, perhaps all of this _has_ been worthwhile. Did you all learned about teamwork? Everyone: [unenthusiastically] Yes.

— "Mountain of Madness"

That old goat can't fire me! I'm gonna give him a piece of my mi... [falls in a hole, screaming] [thud] Aw nuts!

— Lenny's answer to every problem, "Mountain of Madness"

Burns: Well, Simpson, I must say, once you've been through something like that with a person, you never want to see that person again. Homer: You said it, you weirdo! [Burns and Homer laugh, then narrow their eyes at each other] [continue to laugh ad nauseam] [narrow their eyes at each other again]

— "Mountain of Madness"

Come on, cantaloup!

— Milhouse, the unknown gambler, "Homer's Phobia"

No refunds, force majeure, read the back of your tickets.

— Bart, "Homer's Phobia"

[to the hole] Hello? [echo] China? A little help?

— Homer, "Homer's Phobia"

Marge: Well I never thought it would come to this, but I guess we'll have to sell Grandma's Civil War doll. Lisa: Oh Mom, are you sure you want to sell a family heirloom to pay _the gas_ bill? I mean, what would your Grandma say? Marge: I'm sure she'd be proud that her descendants had piping hot tap water and plenty of warm, dry underwear. Homer: That is so true.

— Dry underwears: this century's greatest achievement, "Homer's Phobia"

Skinner: Hmm. These campaign buttons are all partisan. Don't you have any neutral ones? "May the better man win?" "Let's have a good, clean election?" That sort of thing? Lady: Uh, no, but we do have some old shirt buttons. They're kinda kooky and fun! Skinner: Missy, you just talked yourself right out of a sale.

— Skinner, the more vocal consumer, "Homer's Phobia"

Bart: [walking on pogo stilts] Hey, Lis, check it out: pogo stilts. These were banned in all 50 states. [Bart's foot slips; one pogo springs into the air and hits something] Homer: [off screen] Ow!! Ohh! What happened?

— Helpless victims of freak accidents, "Homer's Phobia"

Lisa: Wow! An actual robot from the movie "Clank Clank! You're Dead!" Ooh, think of how awful it would be for the poor midget inside. Bart: Aw, boo hoo. That's what they get paid for. [they walk away; the door opens, revealing a skeleton]

— Correction: what they *got* paid for, "Homer's Phobia"

Marge: [gasps] Oh, Homer, look! Look, a TV Guide owned by Jackie O. John: Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle. She thought that Mindy lived with "Mark." Homer: Give her a break! Her husband was killed!

— "Homer's Phobia"

Marge: I have something that I'd like to sell. John: Please tell me it's your hair. Marge: [flattered, giggles] No. It's an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me. A very rare, old figurine from the Civil War. Lisa: Please don't construe our ownership of this as an endorsement of slavery. John: [eyes the doll] Hmm. Well see, here's the thing on this. It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s, one of the J & R Whiskey "Liquor Lads." Two books of green stamps, if I'm not mistaken. Marge: Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. It's a very, very old figurine. John: No, it's a liquor bottle. [untwists a cap from the bottle] See? [pours himself some whiskey and drinks it] That'll make your bull run. Marge: Well... I guess it'll always be a monument to Grandma's secret drinking problem.

— "Homer's Phobia"

Fifty bucks for a toy? No kid is worth that!

— Homer's value of children, "Homer's Phobia"

John: But this is the Rex Mars Atomic Discombobulator. Don't you just love the graphics on this box? Homer: No. How can you love a box, or a toy or graphics? You're a grown man. John: It's camp! [Homer stares nonplussed] The tragically ludicrous? The ludicrously tragic? Homer: Oh, yeah. Like when a clown dies. John: Well, sort of. But I mean more like inflatable furniture or "Last Supper" TV trays, or even this bowling shirt. [John is wearing Homer's "Pin Pals" t-shirt] Can you believe somebody gave this to goodwill? [Marge sneaks away]

— Just because it's got your name and picture on it doesn't mean..., "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: And that kinda stuff is worth money? John: Boy howdy! Homer: Man, you should come over to our place. It's full of valuable worthless crap. John: Well, if you're inviting me over... Homer: I practically insist! Shall we say five o'clock? The snacking hour? John: My heart is palpatating! Hoo hoo!

— He is wearing your shirt, anyway, "Homer's Phobia"

John: Oh man, you weren't kidding about this place! Well, I just love it! [takes pictures] Homer: Do I know you?

— Short term memory, "Homer's Phobia"

John: Oh, the color scheme and the rabbit ears! And the two point three children, I mean, where's the Hi-C? Lisa: [walking in, holding a tray] Hi-C and fluffernutters! John: Oh! And pearls on a little girl! It's a fairy tale!

— If you say so, "Homer's Phobia"

John: Oh, I've got the exact same curtains, only in my bathroom. Didn't you just die when you found these? Marge: Not really. They just had corn on them. Kitchen... Corn... John: Oh! [slaps Marge on the arm in an "Oh You!" manner] [Marge snickers and taps John back] [Bart tries and imitate them, more-or-less punching Homer] Homer: Oww! Why you little...! [strangles Bart] Bart: Aaah! Dad! Dad! Company! Company! Homer: [stops] Oh. I'll just be another minute, John. Have a seat. [resumes strangling]

— Company rules, "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: That John is the greatest guy in the world. We've gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime. Marge: Hmm, I don't think he's married, Homer. Homer: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there's lots of foxy ladies out there. Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a little... festive to you? Homer: Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam. Marge: [insisting] He prefers the company of men! Homer: Who doesn't? Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a ho - mo... Homer: Right. Marge: ... sexual. Homer: [pause] Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

— "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod! Oh my god! I danced with a gay! Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. [shaking Lisa] Promise me!! Marge: You're being ridiculous. Homer: Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values. Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house.

— "Homer's Phobia"

Marge: I'm very sorry you feel that way, because John invited us all out for a drive today, and we're going. Homer: Woah-ho-ho, not me! And not because John's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should at least have the good taste to mince around and let everyone know that he's... that way. Marge: What on Earth are you talking about? Homer: You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals fa-laming.

— "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: I'm not setting foot outside this house until _that_ man is gone! Bart: Oh, Dad! You are the living end! [Homer narrows his eyes at Bart]

— The first signs are always subtle, "Homer's Phobia"

Bart: Hey, where'd that cool creepy Santa come from? John: Japan. Except over there they call him "Annual Gift Man" and he lives on the moon.

— "Homer's Phobia"

John: And that's where Kent Brockman was caught cheating in the Springfield marathon. All: Ooh... [passing in front of a plumbing supplies store] John: And there's where Lupe Velez bought the toilet she drowned in. All: Ohhhh!

— So many commonly ignored sights, "Homer's Phobia"

Bart: That was a killer tour, man! Lisa: I never realized how many celebrities humuliated themselves right in our backyard.

— "Homer's Phobia"

Smithers: John! John: Uhh, oh, Waylon! I'd like you to meet the Simpsons! Smithers: I know the Simpsons. [sotto voce] So this is your sick mother? John: Don't do this to me, Waylon.

— "Homer's Phobia"

Bart: Hey Dad, look what I got! [points the gun to him] Zzap! Zzap! [Homer looks worriedly at Bart] Zzap! Zzap!

— The clues are adding up, "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: Baart! Where'd you get that shirt? Bart: I dunno. Came out of the closet. Homer: Uhhh... huh.

— When one's mind plays tricks..., "Homer's Phobia"

I hope you all saved room, because I made your favorite dessert. Store-bought snack cakes -- both kinds.

— Marge's secret family recipe finally unveiled, "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: Marge, the boy was wearing a hawaiian shirt. Marge: So? Homer: There's only two kind of guys who wear those shirts: gay guys and big, fat party animals. [sad] And Bart doesn't look like a big, fat party animal to me... Marge: So, if you wore a Hawaiian shirt, it wouldn't be gay? Homer: Right. Thank you.

— "Homer's Phobia"

Do you have to be so effeminate around the boy?

— Homer to Marge, "Homer's Phobia"

John: ...and Helen Lovejoy, sure, she looks blonde, but I've heard cuffs and collar don't match, if you get my drift. Marge: I don't, but I loved hearing it!

— Old gossip ain't what it used to be, "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: [to John] Yyyou! I should've known! John: Well, good morning, sunshine. Marge: Homer! John brought us cactus candy! Homer: Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all, just stay the hell away from my family. John: Well, now you don't get any candy. [pauses] Naw, that's cruel. Take a teensy piece.

— "Homer's Phobia"

John: Homer, what have you got against gays? Homer: You know! It's not... usual. If there was a law, it'd be against it! Marge: Oh Homer, please! You're embarrassing yourself. Homer: No I'm not, Marge! They're embarrasing me. They're embarrassing America. They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh... John: Queer? Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent _you_ people using that word. That's _our_ word for making fun of you! We need it!! Well I'm taking back our word, and I'm taking back my son!

— "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: Don't worry, boy. We're gonna set you straight. By tomorrow morning, you'll be a regular Burt Reynolds. Bart: What are you talking about, Homer? Where are we going? Homer: Just a couple of good old-fashioned manly places. [puts his arm around Bart] Father and son! Brain: [thinking] You're leaving the arm there too long! You wanna make it worse? [Homer quickly yanks his arm off Bart's shoulder] Brain: No, no! He'll know you're on to him! Quick, shake his hand! [Homer does as his brain told him] Homer: Just remember, son, no matter what happens, I'll always love you. Brain: As?? As?? Homer: [yanking hand away] As a father! A father! Regular father.

— "Homer's Phobia"

Bart: What am I supposed to do here? Homer: Nothing. Just sit. I'll be back. [walks away, revealing a giant "Laramie Slims" billboard, featuring a girl in lingerie having a pillow fight with another girl in a skimpy shirt and panties] [time passess...] Homer: Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel? Bart: I dunno. I kinda want a cigarette. Homer: That's a good start. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand? Bart: Anything slim! Homer: [grunts] [to himself] Okay, that didn't work.

— All good plans have cracks, "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: Bart, I want you to shake hands with -- what's your name, fella? Roscoe: Roscoe. Homer: Roscoe here runs this mill. He's gonna show us around to let you get a first-hand look at real all-American Joes doing what they do best. Bart: Why the hell would I wanna see that? Homer: [sotto voce] You'll thank me on your wedding night.

— Not if he divorces twice, he won't, "Homer's Phobia"

Roscoe: [to all] Hey! Listen up! I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons. All: [waving in a cliche, sissy-like attitude] Hello-o. Homer: [gasps] Has the whole world gone insane?! Worker: [sissy-like] Stand still, there's a spark in your hair! Worker: Get it! Get it! Homer: [whimpers] [another guy walks past Homer holding a vat of hot steel in hot pants] Worker: Hot stuff, comin' through! Homer: [screams] Bart: Dad, why'd you bring me to a gay steel mill? Homer: [frightened] I don't know! This is a NIGHTMARE! YOU'RE ALL SICK! Worker: [waving his hand] Oh be nice! Homer: Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! [a whistle goes off] Oh my god! What's happening now? Roscoe: We work hard. We play hard. [pulls a chain] ["Everybody Dance Now" starts playing]

— Oh, that ain't good news, "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: ... and the entire steel mill was gay. Moe: Where you been, Homer? The entire steel *industry* is gay. Eh, aerospace, too, and the railroads. And you know what else? Broadway.

— The world today, "Homer's Phobia"

Barney: I always hoped Bart would grow up just like us. What happened? Moe: Aw, it ain't no mystery. The whole modern world's got a swishifying effect on kids today. And their MTVs and their diet sodas ain't gonna set 'em straight, neither. You gotta do it yourself, Homer, and you gotta do it fast. Homer: But what would turn Bart into a man fast? You have to think for me! Moe: Well, let's see now, uh, time was you sent a boy off to war. Shooting a man'd fix 'em right up. But there's not even any wars no more, thank you very much, Warren Christopher! Barney: Hey, better yet, Bart could shoot a deer! That's like shooting a beautiful man. Moe: Hey, he's right, Homer. After the boy bags a deer, all the diet sodas in the world won't turn him back. And you just sit right back and watch the grandchildren roll in.

— Easy solutions to life-threatening problems, "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: Stand aside, Marge, I'm taking the boy deer hunting. He's going to grow up _straight_ for once! Marge: What?! You never went hunting before, and you're perfectly straight. Homer: Oh yeah? How long since you've had a baby? Lisa: But Dad, it's barbaric. How does killing a deer make you more of a man? Homer: It just does. Name me one gay Indian.

— "Homer's Phobia"

John: Uh oh. Something's gonna die. Homer: Butt out, Buttinsky. What would _you_ know about hunting? John: I know this much. I wouldn't wear that hideous hat. Here, take this one. It was worn by Yale Summers in Daktari. Homer: Hang on to it, Toy-Boy! You might need it when it starts raining naked ladies!

— "Homer's Phobia"

Barney: Today, you're gonna be a man, Bart. Bart: You guys going to teach me to drive? Moe: [to Barney] Oh, yeah, let a twinkle-toes drive Betsy. Right. Homer: [chuckling nervously] No, boy. You can't drive. You're only ten. You're going hunting. Moe: You ever been hunting before, there, Barty? Bart: Nope. Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods... seems kinda gay. [awkward silence] Homer: That is a *very* immature attitude, young man.

— You tell him, Homer, "Homer's Phobia"

Remember, guys, the truck only holds six carcasses, so don't shoot nothing but trophy bucks, huh?

— Moe, "Homer's Phobia"

Barney: Aw, we should've just stayed at the bar and shot some rats. Moe: Hey, those ain't your rats, Barn.

— "Homer's Phobia"

Moe: Come on, don't take this so hard, Homer. You still got that other kid, uh... Lisa. Let's, uh, take her out hunting tomorrow; make *her* into a man. Homer: Aw, she'd never go. She's a vegetarian. Moe: Oh, geez! Homer, geez! You and Marge ain't cousins, are you?

— As least the tots have four fingers, "Homer's Phobia"

John: Did he say where they were going? Lisa: No. They were just going to find a deer and make Bart shoot it. John: Deer? Ha! Not around here. They all migrated north when the state park converted to Astroturf.

— "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: Hey, boy, wake up. Your old man found some deer. Bart: Huh? You did? Bart: Hey, wait, man. Those are reindeer! Homer: Yep. And it's your shot, son. [hands Bart the gun] Bart: What? I'm not gonna shoot a reindeer in a pen. [Moe nudges Homer] Homer: Come on, boy. Be a sport and kill Blitzen, okay? Bart: [pleading] Dad! [starts whimpering] Moe: Oh criminy. Here come the waterworks. Homer: Bart, I'm gonna turn my back, and when I turn around, I wanna see a whole PILE of dead reindeer!

— "Homer's Phobia"

Hey, they're going nuts, like in those nature films!

— Barney, National Geographic subscriber for life, "Homer's Phobia"

Bart: No, don't! You have to protect yourself! Homer: Son, there comes a time in every father's life when he must... [a reindeer rushes him] Argh! [a reindeer from the other side of Homer rushes him too] Urgh! Bart: Dad, are you hurt? Homer: Just... my bones... and organs.

— And whatever's left inbetween, "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: Look, Bart! It's Santa Claus! [robot fires two missiles, which makes reindeer back-up] Bart: Woah, it's Santa all right. And he is kicking ass!

— "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: It's a miracle! John: [holding the Santa remote] No, ultrasuede is a miracle. This is just good timing. Marge: Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're safe. [hugs him] Hmm, you feel softer than before. Homer: [in pain] I've been tenderized.

— "Homer's Phobia"

Bart: How'd you know that thing would work? John: Well the sound is just _brutal_, and I figured reindeer would naturally be afraid of their cruel master Santa Claus. I mean, wouldn't you be? Ha! Barney: Is it okay to come out now, Mr. Gay Man? Sir? Moe: I'll do anything you say! *Anything*!

— "Homer's Phobia"

Barney: Aw, Moe, we were saved by a sissy. Moe: Yeah, yeah, we'll never live it down. Oh, boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me. Homer: Hey! We owe this guy, and I don't want you calling him a sissy. This guy's a fruit, and a... no, wait, wait, wait: queer, queer queer! That's what you like to be called, right? John: Well, that or John. Lisa: This is about as tolerant as Dad gets so you should be flattered.

— "Homer's Phobia"

Well, Homer, I won your respect, and all I had to do was save your life. Now, if every gay man could just do the same, you'd be set.

— John sums up the situation, "Homer's Phobia"

Homer: You know, Bart, maybe it's the concussion talking, but any way you choose to live your life is okay with me. Bart; Huh? Lisa: [whispering] He thinks you're gay. Bart: He thinks I'm gay?! ["Everybody Dance Now" plays on-screen]

— So do some people on a.t.s., it seems, "Homer's Phobia"

I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids!

— Krusty learns to deal with cutbacks, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Marge: You're missing the Itchy & Scratchy Show. Don't you like it anymore? Lisa: [reading the back of a Frosty Krusty Flakes cereal box] Sure, we love it. But how can we watch T.V. when it's so beautiful out?

— Nature and its 12 essential elements, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Bart: Well, yeah, Mom. I mean, we love you and Dad too, but God knows we don't need to see you every day. Marge: An occasional hug is all I ask. [hugs him] Bart: [protesting] Mom! You can hug me when I'm asleep. Marge: I do! Bart: [screams]

— Bart gets weirded out, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Myers: Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached? Krusty: Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... [wakes up] Hey, shut up! You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings. Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show. [Krusty's finger follows the ratings graph, which suddenly plummets at 4:20] Myers: What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter? Krusty: See, that's what I thought at first, but then... [snaps] Hey, shut up!

— "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Myers: But "Itchy & Scratchy" is critically acclaimed! Krusty: Acclaimed!? [spits] I oughta replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where the robots that turn into... blingwads!

— Ooh, I smell a success story there, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Krusty: Get out! Don't come back 'til you fix "Itchy & Scratchy"! [Myers walks out, slamming Krusty's office door so hard that it comes of the hinges, shattering the window.] Woman: Okay, Mel, you can go in now. [Sideshow Mel enters, holding a tin can] Mel: Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'N Roll museum, and... [Krusty stares at him] uh... I'll come back later.

— Good thinking, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Marge: I need to purchase a brassiere. You kids wait over here in the credit department. Bart: Oh, can't we just wander around and meet you back here later? Marge: Mmm...okay, just be careful. [Bart and Lisa run away happily. Before long, they encounter a creepy-looking guy who speaks to them] Man: Would you kids like to come with me? Bart: [simultaneously with Lisa] Sounds good to me! Let's go! Lisa: [simultaneously with Bart] Okay! Guess so.

— Bart and Lisa follow parental advice, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Man: We want you to tell us what you think. And, be honest, because no one from the show is here spying on you. [chuckles] [a sneezing sound comes from a huge mirror set along a wall of the room; the mirror shakes] Lisa: Why is that mirror sneezing? Man: Ah, look, it's just an old, creaky mirror, y'know, sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing, or coughing, or talking softly. Lisa: [suspiciously] Hmm... [the focus group guy surreptitiously gives a thumbs-up to the mirror]

— Yeah, right, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Man: You each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left. Ralph: [knob in mouth] My knob tastes funny. Man: Please refrain from tasting the knob.

— `17/ of all children dislike the taste of knobs', "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

[a musclebound man in bikini trunks flexes in front of the camera] [Nelson slyly turns Milhouse's knob to the right] Milhouse: Hey, quit it! Myers: [supervising the results behind the mirror] They like Itchy, they like Scratchy, one kid seems to _love_ the Speedo man... what more do they want?

— More Speedo men!, more Speedo men!, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Back with the focus group... Man: How many of you kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real-life problems, like the ones you face every day? Kids: [clamoring] Oh, yeah! I would! Great idea! Yeah, that's it! Man: And who would like to see them do just the opposite -- getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers? Kids: [clamoring] Me! Yeah! Oh, cool! Yeah, that's what I want! Man: So, you want a realistic, down-to-earth show... that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots? Kids: [all agreeing, quieter this time] That's right. Oh yeah, good. Milhouse: And also, you should win things by watching.

— Conflicting results, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Myers: You kids don't know what you want! That's why you're still kids; 'cause you're stupid! [sticks his face to the window, difforming his nose] Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show! [turns the lights out] Ralph: [starts crying, turns the knob left] Mommy!

— "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Myers: That's it. That's it, little girl! You've saved "Itchy & Scratchy"! Lawyer: Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save "Itchy & Scratchy".

— Taking no chances, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Myers: I have figured out how to rejuvenate the show. It's so simple, you egghead writers would've never thought of it! What we need is... a new character! One that today's kids can relate to! [writers look at each other, uncertain] Oakley: Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad. Krusty: Hey, this ain't art -- it's business!

— That's the spirit!, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Krusty: Whaddya got in mind? Sexy broad? Gangster octopus? Myers: No, no. The animal chain of command goes mouse, cat, dog. [to the writers] D-O-G. Weinstein: Uh, a dog? Isn't that a tad predictable? Lady: In your dreams. We're talking the original dog from hell. Oakley: You mean Cerberus?

— Does he drive a `Persephone'? "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Lady: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy, he's "in your face." You've heard the expression "let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and thoroughly. Krusty: So he's proactive, huh? Lady: Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm. Meyer: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? [backpedaling] Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. [pause] I'm fired, aren't I? Myers: Oh, yes.

— Is that what happened to Jon Vitti?, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Meyer: The rest of you start writers thinking up a name for this funky dog; I dunno, something along the line of say... Poochie, only more proactive. Krusty: Yeah! [Myers, Krusty and the lady leave] Oakley: So, Poochie okay with everybody? All: [reclining in their chairs] Yeah...

— And thus a dog was born, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

[Silverman draws a standard dog] Myers: No, no, no! He was supposed to have _attitude_. Silverman: Um... wh-what do you mean, exactly? Myers: Oh, you know, attitude, _attitude_! Uh... sunglasses! Lady: Could we put him in more of a "hip-hop" context? Krusty: Forget context, he's gotta be a surfer. Give me a nice shmear of surfer. Lady: I feel we should Rasta-fy him by... 10 percent or so. [the resulting dog is rather... proactive] [all stare at it w/o any expression] Myers: Hmm... I think he needs a _little_ more attitude. [Silverman blackens in Poochie's sunglasses] All Three: [variously] Oh, yeah, bingo. Yeah, that's it! There it is, right there! I love it!

— Another cartoon character created in less than 15 minutes, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Bart: Hey, Lis, look! They're adding a new character to Itchy & Scratchy! [reads] Poochie the dog?! Lisa: [unfooled] Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings. Roy: Yo, yo! How's it hangin' everybody! Marge: Morning, Roy! Homer: Yeah, hi, Roy.

— Rim shot, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Bart: Haven't you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder? Homer: I prefer to listen to Cheap Trick.

— Or Grand Funk Railroad, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

I don't sound like _that_, do I? Oh... I don't like having such a hilarious voice.

— Homer, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Otto: [deridingly] Whoa-ho! A talking dog! [chuckles] What were you guys smokin' when you came up with that? Cohen: [peeved] We were eating rotisserie chicken.

— "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Otto: [in his traditional fashion] Ruff, ruff. I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog! Myers: You're perfect! In fact, you're better than perfect! Next to you, perfection is crap! Troy: Ruff, ruff! I'm Poochie, the rocking dog! Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such cartoons as "Christmas Ape" and "Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp". Myers: You're even better than this guy! [to Otto] Take a hike, you bum. Otto: [moans]

— Easy come, easy go, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Homer: [clears throat] Ruff, ruff! I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog! Myers: Now, that's just bad. You've got no attitude, you're barely outrageous, and I don't know what you're in, but it's not *my* face. Next! Homer: [angry] Oh, no attitude, eh? Not in your face, huh? Well, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly! Myers: That's it! That's the Poochie attitude, do that again! Homer: Huh? I can't, I don't remember what I did. Myers: Then you don't get the job. Next! Homer: [sarcastically] Oh, I don't get the job, do I? We-ell boo-hoo! I don't get to be a cartoon dog! Myers: That's it, you've got the job! Homer: [still sarcastic] Oh, now I've got the job, huh? [quietly] Oh, thank you.

— Homer's audition, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

She smells sheep smells by the sheet shtore.

— Homer's voice check, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Homer: How'd you get to be so good? June: Oh, just experience I suppose. I started out as Roadrunner. [as Roadrunner] Meep! Homer: You mean "meep-meep"? June: No, they only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it up on the soundtrack. [to herself] Cheap bastards.

— "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Homer: Is this cartoon going on the air live? June: No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live, it's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.

— Fighting cartoon urban legends, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Doug: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a [the three nerds chuckle] magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. June: Uh, well, uh... Homer: I'll field that one. Let me ask _you_ a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show? Doug: [embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar]

— First William Shatner, now Homer Simpson..., "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Database: On the "Itchy & Scratchy" CD-ROM, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key? Homer: What the hell are you talking about? June: You're a lifesaver, Homer, I can't deal with these hardcore fans!

— If you can't stand the heat, stay out of a.t.s, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

CBG: [clears throat] Your attention, please. Fan: Uh, in episode... CBG: Your attention, please!

— Will we ever shut up?, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

CBG: Mr. Simpson will now be autographing 8x10 glossies of Poochie, ONE per customer. Please form a line. There will be no cutting. I'm talking to you, Mr. Cutter. [later...] CBG: [cutting through] Pardon me, look out, pardon me, excuse me, hot soup... Hi. Kindly make one out to me, and three out to my friend of the same name.

— Some of life's greatest mysteries, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

You know, Poochie's based on me...

— Barney Gumble, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Jasper: Is this seat taken, little girl? Bart: I'm not a girl! Are you blind? Jasper: Yes.

— Touche! "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

Krusty: Once in a great while, we are privileged to experience a television event so extraordinary, it becomes part of our shared heritage. [picture of astronaut on the moon, against American flag] 1969: Man walks on the moon. [picture of astronaut about to swing on the moon] 1971: Man walks on the moon... again. [pictures stop] Then, for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight.

— Slow century, indeed, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"