Movie Trivia

Luanne: Okay, Kirk, I'll tell a story. It's about a man whose father- in-law gave him a sweet job as manager of a cracker factory. Homer: Bo-ring. Luanne: A man whose complete lack of business sense and managerial impotence... Homer: Ooh, here we go! Luanne: ...sent the number one cracker factory in town into a tie for sixth with "TableTime" and "Allied Biscuit." [Marge furtively hides a box of "Allied Biscuit"]

— The Van Houtens fight at the Simpsons, "A Milhouse Divided"

Kirk: You want to hear a secret, everybody? Luanne loves it, _loves_ it when I fail. Luanne: Oh yes, Kirk. I _love_ having to borrow money from my sister. I _love_ having to steal clothes from the church donation box. Lovejoy: [quietly] Oh, sweet Jesus.

— Knowing a little too much, "A Milhouse Divided"

Marge: Lisa, why don't you come sing for us? Lisa: [marching and singing] You're a grand old flag... Kirk: Oh, great, you got the kid singing. I hope you're happy now.

— Another unappreciated talent, "A Milhouse Divided"

Luanne: I want a divorce! [everyone gasps] Kirk: [surprised] I... I... a divorce? [resolute] Sure. Divorce. Hey, you got it toots! And here's a picture even _you_ can figure out! [draws a circle in a rectangle] It's a door! Use it! Homer: That's a door?

— This wouldn't have happened if they had played "Jenga", "A Milhouse Divided"

Bart: [deep voice] Hello, I'm Doctor Hibbert. I'm afraid I'm going to have to amputate... your butt. [chuckles] Milhouse: [falsetto] All right, if you think you must. [kids laugh] Luanne: Come on, Milhouse, we're going. Milhouse: Aw, can't I come home later? Luanne: There's not going to _be_ a home later. Milhouse: Oh. Okay. [falsetto] Ta-ta! I'm off to the beauty salon!

— Playing doctor, after a fasion, "A Milhouse Divided"

Homer: Well, I think that went pretty well. [outside, Luanne speeds away, leaving Kirk behind] Kirk: [to staring Homer and Marge] What?

— Nah, happens to everybody, "A Milhouse Divided"

Marge: I feel terrible. The Van Houtens split up at our party. Homer: Marge, please, that was twenty minutes ago. Marge: I shouldn't have served those North Korean fortune cookies. They were so insulting: "You are a coward." No one likes to hear that after a nice meal. Homer: You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

— The supportive husband, "A Milhouse Divided"

Kearney: Ah, you'll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid, but he got over it. [sits back to reveal a miniature doppelganger] Kid: I sleep in a drawer!

— And his cat's name is "Mittens", "A Milhouse Divided"

Luanne: From now on, forget everything you thought you knew about Luanne Van Houten. Marge: Actually, Luanne, I don't really know anything about you... Luanne: Forget it! She's gone. Prest-o change-o! Kaboom! Sweet Fanny Adams! Bye-bye!

— Whatever they're giving her, cut the dose, "A Milhouse Divided"

Kirk: Singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom. Homer: The one down the hall. Kirk: Yeah! And another great thing, you get your own bed. I sleep in a racing car, do you? Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife. Kirk: Oh. Yeah.

— Bringing up painful memories, "A Milhouse Divided"

Man: Hey, there, Kirk... Kirk: [excited] Oh, boy, what's going on? Patio party? Man: No, a possum drowned in the pool. You have any garbage bags?

— Single life at its best, "A Milhouse Divided"

Kirk: That's Jerry. He's a major player down at the sewing store. Homer: [mocking] Well, thanks for introducing me. Kirk: Oh, don't worry, Homer. You know _me_, and I'm a superstar at the cracker factory.

— Ooh, so many influential people, "A Milhouse Divided"

Kirk: You're letting me go?! Boss: Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without. Kirk: So that's it, after twenty years: "So long, good luck"? Boss: I don't recall saying "good luck."

— Rim shot, "A Milhouse Divided"

Milhouse: [makes racing noises] And the winner of the Milhouse 500 is... Milhouse! Luanne: [from another room] Milhouse, are you sure you want to drive that inside? Milhouse: Yes! Luanne: Okay! Be careful, sweet, sweet treasure!

— The joys of being a child from a broken home, "A Milhouse Divided"

Homer: OW! Ow! Gee... Ow! What the hell is wrong with you?! Bart: Geez, _sor-ry_. It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

— Did you get smashed by a chair today?, "A Milhouse Divided"

Marge: You said you'd do it as a favor to me. Homer: That doesn't sound like something I'd say. Marge: Fine. I'll go without you. Homer: Okay. Love ya.

— Stable relationship, "A Milhouse Divided"

Krik: Oh, my demo tape! Homer: [Homer examines the tape] "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" [laughing] "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" [continues laughing] That's your picture on the front... [still laughing] Kirk: [peeved] Go ahead, Homer, laugh at me. Homer: I already did.

— And how! "A Milhouse Divided"

Homer: Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna happen to me. Kirk: Well, how do you know? What makes you so special? Homer: 'Cause Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken: a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.

— Secret of a successful marriage II, "A Milhouse Divided"

Homer: [calling out] Marge, I'm home! Where are you? Are you okay? I don't smell dinner. [he finds a note and reads it aloud] "Dear Homer." Aww. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I left you hot dogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink." [dramatic music plays with close-up on the dogs] Homer: [screams]

— The hot dogs never lie, "A Milhouse Divided"

Homer: I know you're only eight years old, and I don't want to put a lot of pressure on you, but you've got to save my marriage! Lisa: Oh. Okay. Can I stay up? Homer: [thinks] All right.

— Cheap advice, "A Milhouse Divided"

Lisa: You've done a lot of crazy stuff over the years and she stood by you. Why would she leave you now? Homer: [frantic] Cause there's lots of stuff she doesn't know about! Lisa: You mean, like your poker shack out in the swamp? Homer: Uh-huh. Lisa: She knows.

— No Cuban cigars, I hope, "A Milhouse Divided"

Homer: See? You don't need to spend a lot of money to have a first- class wedding reception. [open a box, revealing a whale-shaped cake reading "To a Whale of a Wife"] Marge: [sighs] It's getting less and less likely you're going to yell "surprise" and have all my friends jump out. [Homer is fascinated by a Levi's truck passing by] Homer: "Levi's." Hey, you think that truck is full of jeans?

— This wouldn't have happened if she'd married Ted Bessell, "A Milhouse Divided"

Lisa: You're very lucky to have Mom. [walks away] Homer: [pause, dejected] That's your advice? Go to bed!

— You get what you pay for, "A Milhouse Divided"

Homer: You know, Marge, I was thinking about how much I enjoy your interest. So I wandered over to that theater you went to last night and I bought tickets to their entire season. Look, "Mostly Madrigals"... [faking interest] Yeah, that might be good. Ooh, ooh, "An Evening with Philip Glass." [overacting] Just an evening? "Voices of the Elderly Poor." Hmmm...

— You can throw away your sleeping pills, "A Milhouse Divided"

Marge: Homey, I appreciate this, but I'd really like to get some sleep. Homer: Oh, of course, my sweet. I'll just make some soothing ocean sounds for you. [blows, imitating waves] [imitates foghorn] [squawks loudly, upsetting Marge] [blows again] [Long John Silver] Arr, matey!

— I hate the sea and everything in it, "A Milhouse Divided"

Homer: I'd like to file for... divorce. Clerk: These things happen. Eight dollars.

— I wonder when she lost her passion for this work, "A Milhouse Divided"

Only three cavities, Bart, your best checkup ever! I'm going to make you my specialty, butterscotch chicken.

— Yum, Marge, "A Milhouse Divided"

Homer: Marge, will you marry me? Marge: Why? Am I pregnant?

— The best reason of all, "A Milhouse Divided"

Homer: It's a second wedding, honey. Our first one was so crummy, I had to make it up to you. I really love you. Marge: Oh, Homey. I know you love me. We don't need to get married again. Homer: Yes, we do, I got us a divorce this afternoon. Marge: What? Homer: I didn't want a hokey second wedding like those ones on TV.

— A little meta-humor for your enjoyment, "A Milhouse Divided"

Lovejoy: Dearly beloved... Homer: Wait! I want one last chance to enjoy single life. [scratches his butt and belches] Okay, ready.

— And his single life is different from his married life in what way?, "A Milhouse Divided"

I will now read these special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion. "Do you, Marge, take Homer, in richness and in poorness" -- poorness is underlined -- "in impotence and in potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey- navigated"... [consults the notecards] ... and it goes on like this.

— Rev. Lovejoy officiates the Simpson's wedding, "A Milhouse Divided"

Kirk: How about it, Luanne? Will you marry me... again? Luanne: Ooh, no! Kirk: [moans] Well... Uh, can I have my shirts back, at least? Chase: Okay, you heard the lady. Why don't you take it outside, all right? Kirk: Uh, I'll be back. [door closes] Kirk: [through door] Pro-probably.

— No Schwartzenegger for ya, "A Milhouse Divided"

Lisa: What a perfect outing for a beautiful autumn day. Marge: I feel sorry for everyone who's cooped up inside watching the seventh game of the World Series. Homer: [mocking] Yeah, they won't learn anything about apples today.

— Their loss, I guess, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Ranger: ... and the cider mill operated continuously until 1941, when its workers left to fight in the second World War. When they returned, the old girl was just as they'd left her, only now she was infested with thousands, upon thousands of rats. [Everyone "Eww"s and "Yuck"s] Ranger: Right. And if you listen real carefully, you can still hear them gnawing away at the apples and splashing around in the toilets. And that concludes this portion of the tour. [eagerly extends a tip can]

— "Burns, Baby Burns"

Ned: Well, if God didn't make little green apples, it's Homer Simpson! How long have you been here? Homer: Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life. Ned: Ho ho ho, suckin' down the cider, uh? Hey, word to the wise -- [shows Homer a card] season pass! It pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. Now here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella', you've got juice there, fella! If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here... [Homer's brain gets bored] Brain: [moans] You can stay, but I'm leaving. [brain floats away; Homer is now staring blankly] Ned: ... can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped. [Homer collapses] Ned: Oh, my! I'd better get you some cider.

— Old-cider Ned, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Marge: Next to Spring and Winter, Fall is my absolute favorite season. Just look at all this beautiful foilage. Lisa: It's not "foilage," mom, it's "foliage." Foo-liage. Marge: That's what I said, foilage. It doesn't take a nucular scientist to pronounce foilage. Lisa: [growls]

— Does Homer qualify?, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Burns: Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why Harvard even bothers to show up. They barely even won. Smithers: Their cheating was even more rampant than last year, sir.

— "Burns, Baby Burns"

Burns: Well, I say let Harvard have its football and academics. Yale will always be first in gentlemanly club life. Why, every friend I have, I've made right here. [an old Yalie walks up to Mr. Burns' car window] Dink: Hello, Burnsie! It's your old roomie, Dink! Burns: [groans] [pulls down the window shade]

— "Burns, Baby Burns"

Burns: Oh this might take a while, Smithers. Why don't you get drunk and stumble around comically for my amusement? Smithers: [taking bottle of booze] I'll be a one-man conga line.

— There's nothing he won't do for Mr. Burns, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Hey, how're ya doing? Welcome to Scenic Waynesport, and remember your visit with a googly-eyed walnut. [holds up walnut toy] How about a googly-eyed rock? Some nice local squash candy? A stretched-out Pepsi bottle? [holds up a weirdly-shaped Pepsi bottle] Come on. If this stuff is too nice for ya, I've got some crap!

— Larry tries to sell some quality-impaired souvenirs, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Larry: [running] Hey, Casey Jones, where's this train headed? Conductor: Springfield. Larry: Yeah, yeah. What state? [the reply is muffled by the whistle]

— Ahh, some of life's greatest mysteries, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Marge: I can honestly say that was the most fun I've ever had. The mill, the history, all that gorgeous... foliage. [Lisa smiles] I can't excape Lisa, our little walking libary. [Lisa makes a desperated look]

— Better give up and bet on Maggie, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Can't they get a pole for that sign?

— Homer seeing a hitchhiker, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Homer: Ooh! Let's pick him up! Marge: No! What if he's crazy? Homer: And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots. Marge: We're not picking him up. Homer: Oh, yes, we are. Marge: There's not enough room. Homer: Yes, there is... [time passes] Marge: I just don't think it's a good idea. Homer: And I think it's the best idea I've ever had. We're picking up the weirdo, and that's final. [pulls back from their driveway]

— Never heard of too little, too late, eh Homer? "Burns, Baby Burns"

Hey, you folks are all right. Man, it was rough getting a ride out there. The only car that stopped was a hearse that thought I fell out. It was rough, I tell ya.

— OFF picks up Larry, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Marge: Careful of the apple pie on the seat. Abe: Uh-oh! Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie? Abe: I sure hope so.

— "Burns, Baby Burns"

Larry: Hey, I'm looking for this guy. [shows an old picture of Burns] Anyone know who he is? Bart: Yeah, sure, we know him. That's Mr. Burns. Lisa: He tried to kill our puppies. Marge: He sexually harassed me. Abe: He stole my fiancee. Homer: He made fun of my weight. [pause] Larry: Okay, so there's been a little friction. Know his address?

— "Burns, Baby Burns"

Ho, this guy's got more bread than a prison meat loaf. He's rich, I tell ya. I never seen a place with a walk-in mailbox. [realizing] Hey, who am I talking to?

— Larry comments on Burns' mansion, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Smithers: [eyeing Larry] Yes? Larry: [sweating] Yeah, uh... Hi, my-my name is Larry. I'm here to see Mr. Burns. Smithers: Well, I hate to break it to you, Larry, but if Mr. Burns ever wants to see a stranger, he will observe him through a powerful telescope.

— Hasn't lost the common touch, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Larry: Well, uh... sheesh... uh... I'm a little nervous here. What I'm trying to say is, I'm... Burns: You're what? Selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it! Larry: Well, Mr. Burns, I'm your son. [Burns is shocked] Larry: Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. You got a paper towel?

— "Burns, Baby Burns"

Larry: Ah, Pop, don't get me wrong; it's great to be here. But how's a guy like you wind up with a son like me? Burns: Ah, Larry, my lad, I've gone over this story in my mind a million times. It was 1941, the... No, '39...

— Two million times wouldn't have hurt, "Burns, Baby Burns"

I took Lily to the local cinematorium, where our passions were inflamed by Clark Gable's reckless use of the word "Damn". [Young Burns and Lily leave the theater, Burns covered in kisses] We sneaked into the nearby Peabody Museum. There, under the smiling eyes of four stuffed Eskimos, we expressed our love physically, as was the style at the time. [a janitor inside the eskimo exhibit watches the two make love on the floor with glee]

— Burns narrates love at the time, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Larry: Well, how do ya like that? I have been in a museum. So, what happened with you and Ma? Burns: Oh, there was a terrible scandal. Lily's family forced her to give you up, and bundled her off to a convent in the South Seas. I never heard from her again. But I prattle on. Tell me everything about your life. Larry: Oh, what's to tell? I was at the orphanage till I was 18, then I got my job at a souvenir stand. Oh, and once I saw a blimp.

— Uh-huh, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Actor: ...you can't just eat the orange and throw the peel away! A man's not a piece of fruit! Burns: This show was supposed to close last week! Close this show! Close it, I say! [Burns slams the door shut] [Larry comes back] Larry: Hey, don't worry about it. You're all right.

— He probably saw the play as cartoon strips, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Larry: Ah, relax. I don't wanna work. I'm so lazy, I took lessons on a player piano. Homer: Wow, that's really lazy. Larry: Lazy? You're not kiddin'. Why, I'm like a rug on Valium, I'm talkin' lazy. Homer: Soo lazy. [later, eating with his family] Homer: ...and Larry and I have so much in common, Marge, way more than you and me. If I could be stranded on an island with anyone, it would definitely be Larry.

— But I still prefer you for snuggling, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Marge: [bored] I think we've heard enough about Larry Burns for one evening. Homer: Why? It's not like anything interesting happened to anyone else today. [pan to the kids] [Bart is examining a diamond] [Lisa's left arm is in a cast] [Maggie is wearing a "Cutest Baby" contest sash]

— Three future episodes, maybe?, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Hey, Skipper, [slaps him in the back] good to meet ya. Hoo, where'd you start out, on the Merrimack? Hey, I should talk. I hope I look that good when I'm 200.

— Larry's charms at work, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Woman: Oh, Monty, this must be the son I've heard so much about. Larry, you must meet our daughter, the debutante. [reveals a short, chunky girl in glasses with a huge nose] She came out last spring. Larry: Whoa! Put her back in! She's not done yet! Woman: [through her glasses] Hmmph!

— Tactless, yet rude, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Burns: Well, did you meet Larry? Man: Oh, yes. He made light of my weight problem, then suggested my motto be "semper fudge." At that point, he told me to [making quotes with fingers] relax. Burns: How were his test scores? Woman: Let's just say this: he spelled "Yale" with a six.

— Y0u mu5t 6e k1dd1ng!, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Burns: I see. Well, I -- ooh, you know, I just remembered, it's time for my annual donation. [brings out checkbook and pen] I wonder how much I should give. Man: Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's would call for a very generous contribution. [opens book] For example, a score of 400 would require a donation of new football uniforms, 300, a new dormitory, and in Larry's case, we would need an international airport. Woman: Yale could use an international airport, Mr. Burns.

— Then maybe a stock exchange market, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Larry: Everybody go nuts! I'm buying! [to Moe] Hey, Handsome, send the bill to my dad. Moe: Okay, but the last guy who charged a drink to Burns turned up in a landfill. Barnet: [covered with garbage] Yeah, but it was worth it. [belches out a fish skeleton]

— Already exhausted your life supply?, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Burns: You, Foodbag. Do you have a son? Homer: Yes, sir, I do. Burns: And is he a constant disappointment? Does he bring home nitwits and make you talk to them? Homer: Oh, all the time! Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? He's a little wiener... Burns: Fascinating. Good night.

— Milhouse? Fascinating?, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Larry: Dad, what's with you tonight? I mean, I'm getting frostbite over here. Burns: I'll tell you what's with me! The humiliation of having a coarse, boorish ignoramus for a son! Homer: [quietly] Uh, I should go. [gets up slowly from his chair, about to go] [returns to the table, pigs up more food for the way home]

— Keep fighting, I'll keep eating, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Larry: Sheesh, Dad and I, we started out great. But now it's falling apart like a Chinese motorcycle. Homer: It's so unfair. You're everything a dad could hope for. Larry: Yeah, I tell ya, I don't get no regard. No regard at all. No esteem, either.

— Larry Dangerfield, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Homer: Larry, there's only one sure way to make him realize how much he loves you. And that is a phony kidnapping. Larry: Yeah, right. I don't know. Maybe I should just leave town. Homer: [singing persuasively] Phony kidnapping... Larry: Nah... I know what I gotta do. I gotta clean up my act. No more joking around all the time. No more slacking off at work. And most important, no more booze! [throws down glass of alcohol] I know I can do it. [later...] Burns: [reading a letter] "Your son has been kidnapped."

— Well, almost, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Wiggum: All right, Mr. B. When the kidnappers call with the ransom demand, you tell them you'll leave the money under the big net in the park. Lou: And then down comes the net, right, Chief? Wiggum: Heyyy, I like it! I like it a lot!

— "Burns, Baby Burns"

Marge: What are you doing in the basement? It's like you're hiding out down here. Homer: Hiding out?? Pfft. Marge, you've been reading too many hideout books. Marge: And what's that hitchhiker doing here? Is every drifter we meet going to move in with us? Homer: Of course not. We'll decide that on a drifter-by-drifter basis.

— Practical Homer, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Bart: He's great at pointing out everyone's foibles. Larry: Hey, how're ya doing. Ooh! Look at your hair! What happened? You saw yourself in the mirror? Bart: He's kiddin', Mom. But seriously, I'd love to have hair like yours. I just can't get the zoning permits. Lisa: Hey, that reminds me, Mom; Buckingham Palace called. They want their hat back. [Marge growls] Larry: Hey kids, how about a hand for your Mom? She's all right. [everyone applauds and cheers for Marge] Marge: [more shy than annoyed] Oh, yeah, thank you.

— Open mike night at the Simpsons, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Burns: Ahoy-hoy? Homer: [speaking through a kazoo] Hello, Mr. Burns. This is the kidnapper. Do you miss your son? Burns: Yes, I'm missing one son. Return it immediately! Homer: If you really love Larry, prove it, and you can have him back today. Burns: Oh, how much proof do you need? 5,000? 6,000? I swear, that's all I've got. Homer: Don't you care about your son? This is more important than money. Burns: More important than money? Who is this? Homer: Uh... [panics, loses control of the phone] Just a second. [hangs up]

— Still better than giving out your name, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Wiggum: Beautiful. Eddie, did you trace the phone number? Eddie: Sure did, Chief. Wiggum: [reading paper] 5-5-5... Aw, geez, that's gotta be phony. [discards the number into a fire]

— "Burns, Baby Burns"

Lisa: Hey, I think I got a Pai Gow. Bart: [groans] I hate Pai Gow. Can't we just play Quang Jong?

— Those games they play, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Marge: I want you to take Larry back to Mr. Burns right now, before you get in a lot of trouble. Homer: But the.. wh.. Marge! It's broad daylight and there's cops everywhere! Marge: No excuses. Just do it. [Homer reluctantly obeys and takes Larry upstairs] [they walk out the house, to be spotted by Kent's air newsteam] Kent: Of course, we'll bring you updates just as soon as they... Oh! Wait a minute! There they are! [Homer shreaks and both he and Larry break for Homer's car and drive off] Kent: Appearing in broad daylight with police everywhere, ladies and gentlemen, there's only one word for that: idiocy. Marge: [groans]

— Still not tired of being wrong all the time?, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Larry: We've gotta find someplace to hide. Homer: [gasps] The abandoned warehouse! [they enter a dilapidated warehouse] [inside, people are busily working] Homer: D'oh! Stupid economic recovery!

— "Burns, Baby Burns"

Bo Derek: [v.o.] Drive faster, Grandma! Grandma's gaining on us!

— Homer and Larry watch "Too Many Grandmas," "Burns, Baby Burns"

Homer: [chuckles] They'll never look for us here. Larry: Yeah. This place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet. Moleman: [behind them] Shh! Some people are trying to watch the movie. Homer: You don't like it, call the cops. [throws popcorn at him]

— Professional hiding-out, "Burns, Baby Burns"

This is Kent Brockman, live from the Aztec theater, where police have learned that kidnapper Homer Simpson and hostage Larry Burns are inside, talking loudly.

— "Burns, Baby Burns"

Marge: Oh, give yourself up, Homie! Bart: No, Dad! Shoot your way out! Marge: [grunts at Bart] [On TV, Homer barges through some doors in the theater, and is shot quite graphically through various parts of the body.] All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Kent: A bloody end for Homer Simpson... is just one of several possible outcomes according to our computer simulation. Now, here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs. Lisa: We've gotta go down there and help Dad! [they walk out] [Only heard on TV, Homer is pelted with a barrage of baseballs] Homer: Ouch! Oooch! Eeech! Ouch! Oooch! [whining] Oh, stop it!

— More delightful excerpts from the minds of Channel 6 news, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Wiggum: Don't be a fool, Simpson! Let the kid go! Burns: [through amplifier] The negotiations have failed. Shoot him!

— Hostage negociation subliminal tapes at work, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Burns: I should've known you were the only one stupid enough to kidnap you! Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. [away from amplifier] Smithers, take off my belt. Smithers: [giddily] With pleasure, sir!

— Don't give out too much clues, now, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Homer: Maybe we did fake a kidnapping, but is that really such a crime? All your son wanted was a little attention, a little love. I'm a father myself, sir. And sure, sometimes my kids can be obnoxious [Bart glares], or boring [Lisa glares], or stinky [Maggie glares], but they can always count on one thing: their father's unconditional love.

— Lover of all obnoxious boring stinky creatures on Earth, "Burns, Baby Burns"

Larry: Well, how 'bout it, Pop? I know it's tough, but can you love me for what I am? [cops a smirk] Burns: Uh... well... uh... [hugs Larry] There there, sonny boy. I suppose I have been a bit... Oh, no, I can't do it. It's just not me. I'm sorry, Larry. I can't be the family that you need. Larry: Aw, that's okay. I got a wife and kids. Oh, that reminds me. They're probably wondering where I went. I told 'em I'm going for coffee. That was a week ago.

— "Burns, Baby Burns"

Burns: Well, son, delighted to have met you. It's good to know that... there's another kidney out there for me. Larry: You got it, Pop. Just let me run a few pints through it first.

— "Burns, Baby Burns"

Lisa: Who's playing that music? Marge: And where's all that liquor coming from? Homer: It's a party, Marge. Doesn't have to make sense. [a Hawaiian lei falls from out of the sky onto Homer's neck] [Homer's handed a drink] Homer: Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, yeah!

— "Burns, Baby Burns"

TV: ... and fight and fight and fight... [screen goes blank] Bart & Lisa: [screaming] Dad! V-chip, v-chip! Homer: Sorry, sorry, my fault.

— Is "Itchy & Scratchy" TV-14? "Bart After Dark"

Announcer: We interrupt this cartoon for a special report. Homer: [gasps] Someone found my keys!

— Prioritizing the news, "Bart After Dark"

Brockman: Kent Brockman at the Action News desk. A massive tanker has run aground on the central coastline, spilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach. Lisa: [gasps] Oh, no! Homer: It'll be okay, honey. There's lots more oil where that came from.

— Environmentalist at heart, "Bart After Dark"

Brockman: A clean-up effort is already underway, and as always, the first to pitch in are those unsung heroes, Hollywood movie stars. [cut to Baby Seal Beach, where Rainier Wolfcastle is cleaning off a baby seal] Rainier: This isn't about publicity. This is about cleaning off gunk. Starlet: [holding a bird egg] As a Golden Globe nominee, I just think it's our duty to make the real globe a little more golden. [egg hatches]

— Steering clear of more fashionable causes, "Bart After Dark"

Lisa: We'd be doing our part for the environment! Plus, we'd get to clean up all those cute animals. Marge: Honey, we don't need to drive 400 miles to clean animals. You can stay right here and give the dog a bath. Or trim the cat's nails. [Snowball II walks by on nails that raise her several inches off the ground] --

Lisa: Oh, Mom, please? You can make this my birthday *and* Christmas presents. Marge: You already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you. And you hardly ever play with that anymore. Lisa: Yes, I do. Sure, I do. Look! [runs out and frolics unconvincingly by the tree] [singing] Here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom. Marge: [fed up] Oh, all right, we'll go. --

Marge: Now the cat needs his medication... Homer: [assenting, simultaneously] No problem... Marge: ... every morning and the furnace has been putting off... Homer: Can do. Right. Uh-huh. Marge: ... a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open. Homer: Gotcha. Cat in the furnace. Marge: Ah, you know, I think we'll take Maggie with us.

— Wise decision,

And if anything happens, just use your best judgemmmm... just do what I would do.

— Marge and the dangers of leaving Homer alone, "Bart After Dark"

Homer: A whole week of just father and son. See you at dinner. [both walk off whistling] Bart: What time? Homer: You know? I don't know. Bart: Shall we say... ten? Homer: All right, just wake me up.

— "Bart After Dark"

Homer: [mouth full of food] You know, Bart, I saw this one. Bart: [mumbles incoherently] Announcer: Live, from the Grand Ballroom of the Hapsburg Imperial Palace, it's the World Series of Bumper Cars.

— Homer and Bart "batching" it, "Bart After Dark"

Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth? Homer: No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda. [Bart opens a can and gargles with it]

— Only three cavities? Best checkup ever! "Bart After Dark"

Lisa: [enthusiastic] I'm gonna rescue a baby seal, and then I'm gonna save an otter! Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, but all the animals have already been reserved for celebrities. [Rainer Wolfcastle carries up a huge sack] Rainer: There. That's 104 pounds of sandpipers. Lisa: You mean there's nothing left to clean? Man: Well, there are rocks. Thousands and thousands of rocks. [smiles] [later that day, Marge and Lisa are scrubbing rocks] Marge: I've got rocks that need washing at home

— This is not as fun as I had anticipated, "Bart After Dark"

Homer: Geez, look at this place. We gotta do something. Bart: Hmm. Garbage angels? [they throw themselves from the sofa and make garbage angels, laughing]

— Family quality clean-up time, "Bart After Dark"

Bart: Dad? I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park? Homer: Do I have to sit up? Bart: No. Homer: Knock yourself out.

— "Bart After Dark"

Bart: Milhouse, this is boring. Make it crash or something. Milhouse: [smugly] Perfectly level flying is the supreme challenge of the scale model pilot.

— Milhouse the RC nerd, "Bart After Dark"

Martin: Ah! It's gaining on us! Ralph: I'm pedaling backwards!

— Ralph the Viking, "Bart After Dark"

I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children.

— Monty Burns, "Bart After Dark"

Milhouse: Thanks a lot. Now it's stuck on that haunted house. Nelson: I heard a witch lives there. Ralph: I heard a Frankenstein lives there. Milhouse: You guys are way off. It's a secret lab where they take the brains out of zombies and put them in the heads of other zombies to create a race of super-zombies. Nelson: *That*'s the house?!

— Are reverse vampires involved? "Bart After Dark"

S-U-C-C-E-E-S! That's the way you spell succe...

— Bart follows the steps of his S-M-R-T father,

[lauging] No, no. H-help, h-help. I'm gonna die.

— Very perceptive, "Bart After Dark"

Milhouse: Oh, no! The witch has Bart! Martin: We've got to hurry! [The boys run off screaming in terror.]

— A good solution to any crisis, "Bart After Dark"

Homer: Just a minute! [sounds of grunting and paper tearing] Hello? Belle: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and... are you wearing a grocery bag? Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

— "Bart After Dark"

Homer: Aw, I don't know how to punish you. What does Marge usually do? Bart: She makes me taste beer. Homer: Come on, boy, give your old man a little credit. [the bag bursts, sending a load of groceries to the floor]

— The perils of improvised clothing, "Bart After Dark"

Homer: Now you're gonna do chores for that lady until you work off the damage you did. It's called "responsibility." [drives forward, and crushes the mailbox] [screams, backs off and drives away]

— Do as I say... "Bart After Dark"

Bart: I can't believe I've gotta spend all my free time dusting doilies in a smelly run-down dump for a creepy old witch. [pulls a curtain, behind which we see a number of scantily-clad girls dancing can-can and people gambling] Lady, I gotta tell ya, I have been grossly misinformed about witches.

— That's `wiccans' to you, "Bart After Dark"

Bart: Wow, man, what _is_ this place? Belle: I prefer not to be called "man." My name is Belle, and this is the Maison Derriere. That means the, uh, "Back House." --

Belle: Normally, we don't allow children in here, but your father was so insistent. Bart: He's tough but fair. I'll start sorting these bras. Belle: That's a bit advanced for you, but I know a stopped-up sink that needs some attention. Bart: Just glad to be on the team.

— "Bart After Dark"

Belle: When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers. Bart: Ah, the ol' greet'n'toss. No problemo. Belle: How did I ever get along without you?

— Bart finds his niche, "Bart After Dark"

Grampa: [whistles, hangs his hat] [seeing Bart] Oop. [whistles again, turns around, picks up his hat and leaves] [sticking his head in] Is your name "Bart"? Bart: [nodding] Mm-hmm. Grampa: What the... Does your father know you're working here? Bart: It was his idea. Grampa: In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.

— Taking it in stride, "Bart After Dark"

Lisa: Oh, there's something unsatisfying about scrubbing these rocks and I think I know what it is. [a wave washes a new coat of oil on the once-clean rocks] Marge: Lisa, I know it's frustrating, but we made a commitment, and we have to see it through, no matter how unpleasant. [the cleanup guy drives up] Man: Quitting time. Okay. Scrub up and head for the communal tarp. We're having kelpburgers, and we're going to watch a tape of Johnny Arvik, he's the Eskimo comedian. [Marge and Lisa stare at him for a moment] [the next thing you know, they're driving away] Lisa: Faster, Mom, faster!

— "Bart After Dark"

Belle: Oh, that was our emcee, Mel Zetz. He got out of bed too fast and broke his hip. Bart: So who's gonna warm up the crowd tonight? Belle: Well, whoever fits Mel's tuxedo. [Size: extra small] Bart: Eep. Belle: The jokes are in the breast pocket. If you get in trouble, there's a switch that makes the bow tie spin. [the tie spins while making an amusing noise]

— "Bart After Dark"

Bart: Heh, nudist colonies are everywhere these days. I'd love to go, but I... [stares at the card] can't get the wrinkles out of my birthday suit. [rim shot, heavy laughs] [Bart looks at the card again in disbelief] But, I gotta tell you, Adam and Eve must have been the first bookkeepers. They invented the "loose-leaf" system. [rim shot, more laughs] If there's a bad bookkeeping joke, I haven't heard it.

— Bart does stand-up in the Maison Derriere, "Bart After Dark"

Announcer: It's eleven o'clock. Do you know where your children are? Homer: I told you last night, no! --

Where is Bart anyway? His dinner is getting all cold and eaten. [picks at Bart's dinner]

— Homer, "Bart After Dark"

Bart, where are you? Come on! I have to be up at 6am to swipe Flanders' newspaper.

— Homer,

"President Eisenhower celebrates 40th wedding anniversary. Not pictured, Mrs. Eisenhower." --

Belle: I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Bart was filling in for... Homer: I don't care if he was filling in for Mel Zetz, he's my son, and I don't want him working... [in the next room, Homer sees a sexy chorus girl doing a fan dance] ...so...late....that... Belle: Oh, I agree, kids need rules and boundaries. Homer: [trancelike] Yes, everyone loves rules. Belle: It's so tough to be a parent these days, what with all the gangs and the drugs. Homer: Oh yeah, drugs, you gotta have drugs. [Homer goes in to see the fan dancer] Bart: Hey, he didn't pay the cover. Belle: Oh, Bart, he's your father. We'll comp him tonight, start a tab tomorrow.

— "Bart After Dark"

Skinner: Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show. Bart: Nope. Skinner: Is Roxanne back? Bart: Yep. Skinner: Did she, uh, get my flowers? Bart: She did. Skinner: [Finally noticing his fourth-grade nemesis] Hello, Bart. Bart: Hello, Principal Skinner. Skinner: This _is_ the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?

— Nice try, Seymour, "Bart After Dark"

Homer: Uh, this isn't going to be about Jesus, is it? Lovejoy: All things are about Jesus, Homer, except this.

— "Bart After Dark"

Lovejoy: Your son has been working in a burlesque house. Helen: Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes. Skinner: [appearing from being Rev. Lovejoy] That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.

— Suuuuuuure, "Bart After Dark"

Ned: Homer? I'm as permissive as the next parent, I mean, just yesterday I let Todd buy some red-hots with a cartoon devil on the box, but you can't possibly think it's appropriate for your ten-year-old son to work in a burlesque house! Homer: Oh, no? Well, if Homer Simpson wants his ten-year-old son working in a burlesque house, then Homer Simpson's ten-year-old son is going to work in a burlesque house! That... [his visitors walk away, revealing Marge] Ha-ha-ha... Hi! Now, Marge, you're gonna hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house...

— Backpedaling, "Bart After Dark"

Marge: Homer, did you know it was a burlesque house when you sent Bart to work there? Homer: No, I only learned that four days ago.

— And he's been working there five days, right?,

Marge: What were you thinking, sending Bart to such an awful place? Homer: I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. [sly] So in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm going to clean it up.

— He's got her with his legal mumbo-jumbo, "Bart After Dark"

Marge: Springfield doesn't want places like this. Belle: I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar. Marge: Oh? I've lived in this town for thirty-seven years. Belle: I've lived here fifty-two years. Marge: I'm third generation. Belle: Sixth. Marge: [pause] Get outta my town!

— If you can't beat 'em through argument, use invective, "Bart After Dark"

We're just as much a part of Springfield as the church, the library or the crazy house.

— Belle illustrates the diversity of Springfield,

Sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial.

— The world according to Marge,

Quimby: ...and after visiting the area for, uh, the past two months, I have determined it is not feasible to construct a supertrain between Springfield and Aruba. [removes his sunglasses] [audience groans] [with a tan] Next on the agenda is, uh, the Citizens' Committee on Moral Hygiene. [audience groans]

— This isn't as fun a meeting as I had anticipated, "Bart After Dark"

Marge: I'm here to share my moral outrage. But this time it's not about that giant inflatable "Dos Equis" bottle. It's about a certain house in our town. Moe: Yeah, well what's wrong with this house? Is it the plumbing? Marge: No. It's a house of ill fame. A house of loose ethics. Brockman: Is there a building code violation? A drainage issue? A surveying error? Marge: [annoyed] The house is perfectly fine! Wiggum: Well, then quite bad-mouthing the house! Otto: Yeah, leave the house alone!

— The perils of speaking figuratively, "Bart After Dark"

Quimby: People, this is an issue that we as a town are strong enough to ignore. Let us give no more scrutiny to this bawdy house and its small clientele of loyal perverts. Lovejoy: Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty. [said perverts chuckle uncomfortably]

— I'll bet they're with AOL, "Bart After Dark"

[slide of Dr. Hibbert] Mrs. Hibbert: Julius! [slide or Chief Wiggum] Mrs. Wiggum: Clancy! [slide of Skinner] Chalmers: Skinner? Agnes: Seymour! Seymour: Mother... [slide of Patty] Selma: [off-screen] Patty? [slide of Cletus] Brandine: Cletus! [slide of Barney, to which nobody reacts] Moe: ... Oh, uh... [forced] Barney. [slide of Chief Wiggum] Mrs. Wiggum: Clancy! Chief Wiggum: Hey, come on, you did me twice. [slide of... Smithers?!] Burns: Smithers? Smithers: My... my parents _insisted_ I give it a try, sir. [slide of Quimby, wearing a "Mayor" sash] Luanne Van Houten: Mayor Quimby! Quimby: Uh, well, that could be any mayor. --

Er, uh, well... eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.

— Mayor "Diamond Joe" Quimby, "Bart After Dark"

Jasper: [whispering] Are they talking about the bordello? Abe: No! The burlesque house. So just keep your mouth shut.

— Some ill-fame will remain, "Bart After Dark"

Skinner: Oh, there's no justice like angry-mob justice. Lenny: I'm gonna burn all the historic memorabilia Moe: I'm gonna take me home a toilet. Willy: Well, there'd better be two.

— Pre-mob-demolition talk,

Belle: [through intercom] Who is it? Ned: Uh, it's an angry mob, ma'am. Could you step outside for a twinkle while we knock down your house? Belle: Just a minute.

— Make yourselves at home,

Homer: My friends! Stop! [the mob stops, intrigued] Hans: [stretching a bow and flaming arrow] Please, hurry... Homer: Sure. We could tear this house down... [mob cheers and resumes smashing] Homer: No! My friends! Stop! Let me finish. --

Ned: Well, I'm convinced. The house stays. Lovejoy: This house is a very, very, very fine house.

— In the middle of the street? "Bart After Dark"

Homer: What are you doing, Marge? Didn't you hear the song? Marge: No, I had to go rent the bulldozer. Ned: Well, we all changed our minds. Wiggum: Yeah, now we love the house. Marge: What about the sleaze and the depravity? Helen: It was a very convincing song, Marge! Skinner: Mm-hm, there were kicks and everything. Marge: Oh. Can you sing it again? Ned: I'm sorry, it really was one of those spur-of-the-moment type things.

— Did they lie to you through song? "Bart After Dark"

Marge: Well, I also have a song to sing. [flaming arrow pass by her head] Don't make up your mind until you hear both songs. [clears throat, coughs] [singing off key] Morals and ethics and carnal forbearance...

— Marge's lame attempt at follow-up, "Bart After Dark"

Marge: Uh... sorry. Lovejoy: Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house. Belle: I _do_ love it when you drop by, Marge. Next time, why don't we get together at _your_ house.

Marge: So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband, Woody, just had a baby. What did you name him? "Twiggy": Chip. [Rim shot. No laughs.] Homer: Take it off! Bart: [as a bouncer] All right, Dad, you've been warned, let's go.

— Hall monitor experience put to good use, "Bart After Dark"

Lisa: Hmm. Pressure dropping, humidity rising over eighty percent, increasing wind? [consults "How, Why, and Huh? Book of Weather"] Here we are -- chapter two: "So Your Pressure Is Dropping."

— "Hurricane Neddy"

Homer: Oh Lisa! There's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield. Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the Hall of Records was mysteriously blown away.

— "Hurricane Neddy"

What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?

— Homer reveals mankind's greatest threats,

Kent: ...and the weather service has warned us to brace ourselves for the onslaught of Hurricane Barbara. And if you think naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist, you obviously have never seen the gals grabbing for items at a clearance sale. Marge: [growls] That's true... but he shouldn't say it.

— "Hurricane Neddy"

Apu: Stand behind the flaming garbage cans. We'll be letting you into the store, seventy people at a time. Kirk: Oh, let's just beat him up and take his stuff! Apu: No no no, do not listen to that man. Remain calm. You will all have a chance to be gouged. [the crowd murmurs in approval]

— Hurricanes make for excellent extortion opportunities, "Hurricane Neddy"

Lisa: Mom, let's just grab what we can and get out of here! This storm is making people crazy. [two old hands feel around Lisa's spikey hair] Mrs. Glick: The last pineapple! And plenty ripe, too! [picks up Lisa and puts her in a cart] Lisa: But I'm not fruit! I'm a kid! Mrs. Glick: That's what the pumpkin said. Ralph: Hi, Lisa. We're going to be in a pie!

— The legend of Hansel and Gretel lives on, "Hurricane Neddy"

Evacuator: Sir, for your own safety, we do advise you to evacuate. Grampa: I ain't leaving! I was born in this nursing home, and I'll die in this nursing home. Evacuator: Is there any chance of you changing your mind? Grampa: Sure, let's go.

— "Hurricane Neddy"

Ned: Need some help there? You know, maybe you folks should come over and punker in our bunker. [Ned's house is covered with tints] Oh, it'll be fun! We're gonna go through our old cancelled checks and receipts and give ourselves an audit. Make sure we don't owe anything extra.

— Who needs the IRS when we have Ned Flanders?, "Hurricane Neddy"

Homer: Oh, I'm sure I'd be a third wheel. Ned: Ho ho, no sir-ee, we'd be happy as heads to ha... Homer: [sternly] _I_ would make it my _business_ to be a third wheel. Ned: Okily dokily. Oooh, I better go take down the Manger scene. If baby Jesus got loose, it could really do some damage.

— Simple hazards for the Flanderses, "Hurricane Neddy"

Marge: Why don't we do something to take our minds off the storm? [looks through a box] Oooh, a Rubik's Cube! Let's all work it together. Lisa: Okay, start with diagonal colors. [Marge turns the cube] Homer: Use your main finger on the yellow side and your other finger on the orange side and turn it. Marge: My main finger? [the family begins to start all talking at the same time] Bart: [simultaneously] Orange to orange!... Lisa: [simultaneously] Now you have to turn it back, Mom... Homer: [simultaneously] You gotta start backwards! Bart: [simultaneously] Mom, Mom! Lisa: [simultaneously] No, not so fast! No, ignore the red! Bart: [simultaneously] No, no, no! Homer: [simultaneously] Alternate corners! Marge: One at a time! Bart: Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise! Marge: Now I remember why I put this down here in the first place!

— Hurricanes bring loving family togetherness, "Hurricane Neddy"

Hmm. I don't remember a bowling alley being th...

— The unspoken warning of disasters, "Hurricane Neddy"

Marge: Dear God, this is Marge Simpson. If you stop this hurricane and save our family, we will be forever grateful -- and recommend you to all our friends! So, if you could find it in your infinite wisdom to... Lisa: Wait! Listen, everybody. [sunlight shines and birds chip] Lisa: The hurricane's over. Homer: He fell for it! Way to go, Marge!

— Don't think God didn't hear that, Homer, "Hurricane Neddy"

Ned: Maude? Rod? Todd? Todd: [upside down; lying on the rubble] I'm right here, Daddy. Maude: Oh Neddy, it was terrifying. I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise.

— And this is a bad thing?, "Hurricane Neddy"

Todd: Oh my gosh! Look at Rod! Rod: [stuck horizontally inside a tree] I have a headache. [Ned pulls him out] Ned: Well, sir, everyone's alive. Guess that's something to be thankful for. Homer: Now, that kind of attitude's not gonna get your house back.

— Yes, only wallowing in self-pity can attain that, "Hurricane Neddy"

Marge: I'm sure your insurance will cover the house. Maude: Uh, well, no. Neddy doesn't believe in insurance. He considers it a form of gambling. Ned: You know it's kind of funny. The only thing that survived the storm were the family tombstones. [said tombstones are named Ned, Maude, Rod and Todd] They're all we have left. Homer: Welp, call us if you need anything!

— Like a house..., "Hurricane Neddy"

Todd: We got new clothes from the donation bin! [wearing a Butthole Surfers shirt] I'm a surfer! [Rod wears a t-shirt with "I'm With Stupid" on it and a pointed finger] Rod: Look, Daddy, Todd is stupid and I'm with him. [walks to Maude] And now Mommy's stupid! [chuckles]

— T-shirts help us play!, "Hurricane Neddy"

Maude: Neddy, I know this has been a terrible day. But, by golly, first thing tomorrow morning, we're going to open up the Leftorium, and before you know it, we'll be back on our feet. Kent: [on TV] Down here at Springfield Mall, a storm-[?] crowd appeared to have turned its rage... on the Leftorium. Surprisingly, people are grabbing things with both hands, suggesting it's not just south-paws in this rampaging mob. [Ned sighs] Kent: [to looter] Try looking in the back.

— Kent Brockman's ever-so-important little tidbits, "Hurricane Neddy"

Kent: Meantime, Springfield bowlers will be happy to hear that the Bowl-a-rama is back in business at its new location teetering over the Carter-Nixon tunnel. [a strike is bowled in the Bowl-a-Rama]

— At least Barney still has a job, "Hurricane Neddy"

Ned: Rev. Lovejoy, with all that's happened to us today, I kinda feel like Job. Lovejoy: Well, aren't you being a tad melodramatic, uh, Ned? Also, I believe Job was right-handed. Ned: But Reverend, I need to know, is God punishing me? Lovejoy: Shooh, short answer: "Yes" with an "If," long answer: "No" -- with a "But." Uh, if you need additional solace, by the way, I've got a copy of something or other by Art Linkletter in my office.

— Jesus' 13th disciple: Art Linkletter, "Hurricane Neddy"

Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept Kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff.

— The sounds of Ned's shaken faith, "Hurricane Neddy"

Marge: Ned, Maude! You've got to go back to your house. Something incredible has happened. Ned: Oh what happened now? Did the rubble burn down?

— Pessimism becomes you, Ned, "Hurricane Neddy"

Homer: [in hard-hat and toolbelt] Hope you like it, neighbor. We didn't have the best tools or all the know-how, but we did have a wheel-barrel full of love! Apu: And a cement-mixer full of hope and some cement.

— Yeah, that'd do it, "Hurricane Neddy"

Ned: I don't know how I can possibly repay you! But if any of you ever need a favor, just look for the happiest man in Springfield! [pan over to a spunky man with a perpetual smile on his face in suspenders and a red bowtie] Guy: No no! Not me, friends. He's talking about himself. But _thanks_ for looking!

— "Hurricane Neddy"

Ned: [gets sweater caught in a nail] Ooh, looks like a loose nail. Homer: Yeah, one out of twenty five ain't bad! [hammers in a nail]

— "Hurricane Neddy"

Ned: Was that, uh, was that toilet always next to the refrigerator? Wiggum: Uh, Ned, you ever try lugging a toilet up a flight of stairs?

— Toilets and Refrigerators, together at last, "Hurricane Neddy"

Rod: [taking down poster] I don't like this clown! Bart: Ah, I wouldn't take it down if I were you. It's a load-bearing poster. [a crack ripples through the upper wall and up to the ceiling]

— "Hurricane Neddy"

Apu: This is the room with electricity. But it has too much electricity. So, I don't know, you might want to wear a hat. Ned: Uh-huh. [walks further down the hallway] Floor feels a little gritty here. Moe: Yeah we ran out of floorboards there, so we painted the dirt. Pretty clever!

— Fallback plans from the "Half-Assed Approach to House Erection," "Hurricane Neddy"

Ned: Oh, something is definitely wrong with this hallway. [opens a 4-inch-tall door] Barney: Come on in! It's your master bedroom! [Ned shuts the dollhouse-sized door] Ow! My nose! Ned: Well, I've seen about enough.

— "Hurricane Neddy"

Ned: Calm down, Neddly diddily diddily diddily, doodily. They did their best shodaiddily iddily iddily diddily diddily. Gotta be nice, hostidididildilidilly ah HELL diddily ding dong crap! Can't you morons do anything RIGHT!? [shocked gasps] Marge: Ned! We meant well, and everyone here tried their best. Ned: Well my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have gooooooooood intentions! Bart: Hey! Back off, man! Ned: Ooh okay, duuuuude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, maaaan! Here's a catch-phrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, Buddy, got a quarter?" [everyone gasps] Bart: I am shocked and appalled. Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything. Ned: Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson! Springfield's answer to a question NO ONE ASKED! [Wiggum laughs] What do we have here? The long, flabby arm of the law! The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of mallowmars!! Krusty: [writing it down] Mallowmars, oh that's going in the act! Ned: Oh, yeah. The clown, the only one of you buffoons who _doesn't_ make me laugh! [to Lenny] And as for you, I don't know you but I'm sure you're a jerk! Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes! What's going on? Ned: [to Moe] You ugly, hate-filled man! Moe: Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... um, what was the third thing you said? [everyone backs away as Ned marches after Homer lastly] Ned: Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met. Homer: Hey, I got off pretty easy.

— "Hurricane Neddy"

Ned: I just attacked all my friends and neighbors just for trying to help me. I'd like to commit myself. Nurse: Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer to be dragged off kicking and screaming? Ned: Ooh, kicking and screaming, please. Nurse: As you wish. [two men in white grab hold of him and drag him away] Ned: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

— "Hurricane Neddy"

Dr. Foster: Yes, Dr. Foster here. ... Ned Flanders? You're sure? ... No, no, no, I'll come right over. And may God have mercy on us all. [hangs up] Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital, uh, where are my shoes? Mrs. Foster: [sleepily] I think they're in the den. Dr. Foster: The den? May God have mercy on us all.

— "Hurricane Neddy"

Dr. Foster: Well, how are you feeling this evening? Ned: Uh, actually, I'm a little chilly. Can I have another strait jacket?

— "Hurricane Neddy"

Little Ned: [barging in] Whee! I'm Dick Tracy! [hitting the other kids] Bang! Take that Pruneface! Now I'm Pruneface, take that Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy, take that Dick... Dr. Foster: Hey! Stop it at once!

— "Hurricane Neddy"

Get down from that bookshelf, please. Most of those books haven't been discredited yet!

— Dr. Foster, "Hurricane Neddy"

Dr. Foster: Would you please tell your son to stop? Ned's Dad: We can't do it, man! That's discipline! That's like tellin' Gene Krupa not to go [starts banging on the desk] "boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom boom bam ba ba ba ba, da boo boo *tss!*"

— "Hurricane Neddy"

Ned's Dad: We don't believe in rules, like, we gave them up when we started livin' like freaky beatniks! Dr. Foster: You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger. Ned's Mom: Yeah. You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin' and we're all out of ideas.

— Oh the pain and suffering from doing nothing, "Hurricane Neddy"

Homer: Yello? ... Yes? ... Mental hospital? ... Well I don't know any Ned Flanders. Marge: The man who lived next door until his house blew down? Homer: Oh, him!

— How soon we forget, "Hurricane Neddy"

You folks are free to roam the grounds. Uh, just remember, one of our patients is a cannibal. Try to guess which one! I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

— What do we win if we get eaten?, "Hurricane Neddy"

Jay Sherman: [to Doctor] It stinks! It stinks! It stinks! Doctor: Yes, Mr. Sherman. Everything stinks.

— One too many Pauly Shore movies for one man to take, "Hurricane Neddy"

Homer: Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish to the eyes of others. Ned: Well howdy, Homer! [partition slides up] Ooh, thanks for dropping by! Foster: Hmm. He's not responding. [into microphone] Proceed to level 2 antagonism. [slides down partition] Homer: Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent. Ned: Oh, well, I'll just have to try harder. Heh heh. [partition slides up] Ooh! Thanks for dropping by! Foster: Ah, he's still repressing. [into microphone] Maximum hostility factor. [slide down partition] Homer: I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other. Now _that's_ psychiatry! Eh? Eh?

— Freud would be proud, "Hurricane Neddy"

Homer: [directly towards mirror] Aw that's it, you just can't insult this guy. You call him a moron and he just sits there, grinning moronly. Ned: [to mirror] Hi, neighbor! Homer: You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human. Ned: Ho ho, now why would I be afraid of that? Homer: Because humans are obnoxious, sometimes. Humans _hate_ things. Ned: Well, maybe a few of them do... back East. Foster: I can't find what Homer's saying. Did you write that? Doctor: Um, did you like it?

— At least this is more effective, "Hurricane Neddy"

Homer: Come on, Flanders, there's gotta be _something_ you hate. What about mosquito bites? Ned: Mmm mmm! Sure are fun to scratch! Mmm! Satisfying! Homer: What about, uhhhhh, florescent lights? Ned: Oooh, they hum like angels! You're never lonely if you've got a florescent light!

— Oh, I give up, "Hurricane Neddy"

Ned: I don't like the service at the post office. You know, it's all "rush rush! get'cha in, get'cha out!" Then they've got those machines in the lobby, they're even faster, no help there. You might even say, I _hate_ the post office. That, and my parents. Lousy beatniks. [sudden breakthrough sound] Hey! That felt good. Foster: He just said he hates his parents! Do you know what that means? Doctor: Um, what do you think? Foster: It means he's cured. Doctor: That's what I said.

— The Nick Riviera method works again, "Hurricane Neddy"

Ned: Thanks, everyone! I'm all better now. No more storing up the anger till I explode. If any of you does something I don't like, yo-ou're gonna hear about it! [crowd cheers] Foster: Yes, that's very healthy, Ned. Ned: [omnious] And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car. [clapping dies down dramatically and everyone looks worried] Homer: Heh heh! Ned, you so craz-ay! [Ned winks]

— You're not just whistling Dixie, Homer, "Hurricane Neddy"

They say the pancakes here stink.

— Agnes Skinner at the Municipal House of Pancakes, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Edna: Oh! Oh! How about Oklasoft? It's Oklahoma's fastest-growing software company. Maude: Um, cushions? Everybody likes to sit on cushions. Agnes: Children are _so_ fat today. [pounds her fist on the table] Isn't there some way we could make money off that?

— "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

I'm not wild about these high-risk ventures. They sound a little risky.

— Marge's views on business, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Helen: All in favor of expelling Marge from the Investorettes? All: [raising hands] Aye! Marge: [gets up] All right, Helen. If I'm not wanted I'll leave. Helen: You'll get your pancakes in the mail.

— Better not invest in mayo then, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Marge: [sighs] ...and then they gave me back my $500 investment and kicked me out of the club. Homer: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Back up a bit now. When are the pancakes coming in the mail? Marge: Well, maybe it's all for the best. Homer: What do you need to make money for, anyway? As long as I have my earning power, this family's got nothing to worry about. [stabs his eye with a hot dog] Oww! Ohh! Call work and tell 'em I won't be in tomorrow.

— "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Robot: Greetings, humans. I am Investo the robot, from the planet Opportuniac. My superior brain advises you to enter the Franchise Fair. Marge: Well, we're trying to but you're blocking our way. Robot: Danger! Danger! Don't forget to pick up pamphlets. Bart: I'll handle this. [pours his cola into the robot's vents] [the robot writhes and collapses on the floor] [Bart whistles and walks around it, followed by the family] Robot: [in a distorted voice] Help. Help. Help. Security code 30.

— That'll teach all of ya robots, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Royce: That's the miracle of the franchise. You get all the equipment and know-how you need, plus a familiar brand-name people trust. You'll be on a rocket-ride to the moon! And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice, green moon money for me -- Royce McCutcheon! Homer: No deal, McCutcheon, that moon money is mine!

— Make moon money fast!, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Host: Now, folks, I don't wanna alarm ya, but scientists say forty percent of America's pictures... are hanging crooked. [the audience gasp in shock] Yep, it's true. And I hear you asking: "Well, who's gonna straighten out all these artistic abominations?" Your friends? A neighbor? Those fat cats at Washington? [chuckles] Good luck. Hey, you know, maybe no one'll notice! Maybe the problem with ju-u-u-st fix itself. Marge: Now _you're_ the one who's being naive. Man: Okay. Fair enough. But _you_ sound like you're ready to become your own boss in the _exciting_ world of frame-nudging! Yes, for a minimal franchise fee, you'll receive a pair of straightening gloves, a cannister of wall lubricant and a booklet of the most commonly asked questions you will hear, including: "Who are you?" and "What are you doing here?"

— Wow... frame-nudging!, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Marge: Hello, Helen. Helen: Marge. Marge: Edna. Edna: Marge. Marge: Uh... [Agnes glares] Hmm... Agnes: [irritated] Oh, my name is Agnes and you know it's Agnes! It means lamb -- lamb of God. Marge: I'm sorry, Agnes. Agnes: Marge. [the Investorettes walk away]

— The greatest confrontation ever seen, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Disco Stu: [making indescribable body motions] Did you know that disco record sales were up 400/ for the year ending 1976? If these trends continue... A-y-y-y! [kicks his feet up on his desk wearing see-through platforms with water and fish inside] Homer: Uh, your fish are dead. Disco Stu: Yeah, I know. I... can't get them out of there.

— See you in the last decade, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Helen: Hmm, Pita. Well, I don't know about food from the Middle East. Isn't that whole area a little iffy? Hostess: [laughs] Hey, I'm no geographer. You and I -- why don't we call it pocket bread, huh? Maude: [reading the ingredients list] Umm, what's tahini? Hostess: Flavor sauce. Edna: And falafel? Hostess: Crunch patties. Helen: So, we'd be selling foreign... Hostess: *Specialty* foods. Here, try a Ben Franklin. Helen: [takes a bite] Mmm, that *is* good. What's in it? Chef: [poking his head out of a window, looking of Indian origin] Tabbouleh and rezmi-kabob. Hostess: [trying to cover-up] Uh, th-that's our chef... Christopher. Chef: [mutters, and closes the window, cursing in Hindi]

— You guys aren't from around here, are you?, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Look at them! They've jumped on the one franchise I might possibly have considered thinking about becoming interested in.

— Oh, that's a downer, Marge, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Marge: Hmm! It's not bad! Frank: It's not only not bad -- it's not bread. "Knot bread", you get it? [chuckles] See? Marge: [laughing] I do! [they both laugh] Marge: Knot bread!

— The usual pretzel-people jokes, "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"