Movie Trivia

Kearney: Extra, extra! Ripper strikes in White chapel! Skinner: Boy for sale! Boy for sale! Jimbo: Is this legal, man? Skinner: Only here, and in Mississippi.

— "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Burns: Bah, humbug. Shary: Oh, Mr. Burns, I think you'll find all life's problems just float away when you're flying a kite. [gives him one] Burns: Balderdash. This is the silliest load of... [watches his kite] ...oh, look at it fly! Whee-hee-hee-hee-hee! Look at me, Smithers. [dark clouds gather ominously] I feel practically Superduperfragicalicexpiala-d'oh! [lightning strikes the kite and shocks Mr. Burns, knocking him on the ground] What's this strange sensation in my chest? Smithers: I think your heart's beating again. Burns: Oh, that takes me back. God bless you, Shary Bobbins.

— Always a silver lining, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Marge: That Shary Bobbins is a miracle worker. The kids love her, the house is spotless, and my hair's grown back. It's so full and thick it can support a beach umbrella. [sticks a beach umbrella in the top of her hair] [it unfolds] Homer: Come to bed, Marge! Marge: [amorously] Wooo. [starts to remove the umbrella] Homer: No, no. Leave it in. [they giggle and go upstairs]

— Kinky!, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Shary: It's 8:00, children. Time for bed. Lisa: But we're not sleepy. Bart: Sing us a song, Shary Bobbins. Lisa: Yes, sing us a song. Shary: I've been singing you songs all day. I'm not a bloody jukebox!

— Close to the breaking point, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Homer: Ooh, I can't get enough of this blood pudding. Bart: The secret ingredient is blood. Homer: Blood? Ugh! I'll just stick to the brain and kidney pie, thank you.

— Ignorance is bliss, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Shary: [with bags] I believe my work here is done. Marge: Thank you for everything Bart+Lisa: We'll miss you, Shary Bobbins. Homer: You've changed me as well. I'm no longer the money-driven workaholic I once was.

— Selective memory, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Grampa: [flying out the door] I think we got our umbrellas switched! [in the air] Whee! I never felt so alive! [snores] Shary: [slaps her hand on her forehead]

— Abe takes Shary's magic umbrella, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Announcer: Welcome back to "Before They Were Famous." We all know Rainier Wolfcastle as the star of the blockbuster "McBain" movies, but here's his first appearance in a commercial in his native Austria. Wolfcastle: Mein bratwurst has a first name, it's F-R-I-T-Z. Mein bratwurst has a second name, it's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F- F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N... [voice trails off]

— At least it wasn't the Donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaft, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Homer: Shary Bobbins, I want another beer. Shary: Well, you know, Homer [musical intro, Shary starts singing] If there's a job that must be done, You'll find it's much more fun... Homer: [interrupting] You'll find it's even _more_ fun if _you_ get it for _me_! Shary: [continuing] But the beer will taste more sweet If you get up off your seat... Bart: Lady, the man asked for a beer, not a song. Shary: [walks away] [sotto voce] D'oh-re-mi-fa-so...

— The perils of being a Simpson domestic, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Announcer: Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show" Barney: Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. Bronson: I shot him. Barney: Well that's... what?! Bronson: And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop. [cocks gun] To fix Emmett. ["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays]

— And now, Clint Eastwood on `Dick Van Dyke', "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Shary: Bart Simpson, this room is a frightful mess. Bart: I'll get right on it. [hurls a cupcake on the wall] Shary: Bart, don't you remember? Cleaning up can be a game. Bart: I got a better game. It's called "whipping cupcakes." [hurls another]

— Yesterday's nanny, er, news, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Tarantino: What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society, you know, it's like even in breakfast cereals, man. [Itchy jumps up and cuts off his head with a razor. Scratchy gives him a high-five and the two dance to "Miserlou."]

— ...and _that_ was for "Four Rooms", "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Shary: Lisa, don't sit in front of that telly like a fly stuck on a toffee. It's a great big world out there. Lisa: Been there, done it. Shary: I know, we could have a tea party on the ceiling. Lisa: Shh. TV!

— Jaded youth, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Shary: [singing, obviously drunk] Wasted away again in Margaritaville. Barney: Searching for my lost shaker of salt. [spoken] Oh, here it is. [shakes salt into his mouth.]

— The inevitable result of working for Homer, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Homer: Ah, that poor woman. Lisa: We've crushed her gentle spirit. Bart: You people should be ashamed of yourselves. [whips another cupcake]

— She has the demented melancholia of a Tennessee Williams heroine, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Marge: [sits down] Shary, you did the best you could. But you can't change this family. And neither can I. From now on, I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the ride. Shary: But haven't I taught you people anything? Homer: Nope. Lisa: Nope. Bart: Nope. Marge: Nope. Maggie: [shakes her head]

— Definite answers, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Bart+Lisa: Good-bye, Shary Bobbins! Marge: Thanks for everything! Barney: So long, Superman!

— Um, almost, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Lisa: Do you think we'll ever see her again? Homer: I'm sure we will, honey. [Shary is sucked into a passing plane's jet engine] I'm sure we will.

— Wanna bet? "Simp oncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Chalmers: Skinner!! Skinner: [gasps] Uh, Superintendant Chalmers! [nervously pants] What's wrong? Chalmers: [calmly] Nothing, I just bought myself a car. Skinner: Oh. Oh good. This'll sound crazy, but at first I, I thought I'd enraged you again. Chalmers: SKINNER!! Skinner: What? What!? Chalmers: Ah, you're getting paranoid.

— Just keeping you on your toes, "Lisa's Date With Density"

You know, I used to think a car was just a way of getting from point A to point B -- and on weekends, point C. But that was the old me. That man died the moment I laid eyes on a 1979 Honda Accord.

— Chalmers, practical and emotional, "Lisa's Date With Density"

I've always admired car owners and I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.

— Skinner's growing relationship, "Lisa's Date With Density"

What's the point in having a Honda if you can't show it off?

— Perhaps it's best for everybody this way, "Lisa's Date With Density"

A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A twizzler is not a sprinkle. A Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-La they are, but not in here.

— Worldwide Kwik-E-Mart regulations, "Lisa's Date With Density"

He's gonna rot in the slammer for the next twenty years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards _whomping_ your ass round the clock, and the only way out is suicide.

— Chief Wiggum, "Lisa's Date with Density"

Skinner: I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendant Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl. [everybody laugh] [chuckles] I guess it is a little funny.

— "Lisa's Date With Density"

Damn! Dang! Darn!

— Skinner, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Skinner: [gasps] A principal's ransom in stolen goods! Well, sir, who's "Ha-ha"-ing now? Nelson: I dunno. But he's got lethal tuna breath. Kids: Oooooooh! Lisa: Who does Nelson think he's impressing, anyway, acting so _coool_ all the time? Milhouse: [trying to look impressive] Not me!

— As cool as a cooler, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Skinner: All right, Mr. Smartenheimer, that does it. First, you're going to give back everything you've stolen. Then, I'm sentencing you to one week of the lowest, most degrading work known to man -- janitorial work. Willy: Ah, geez. I'm standing right here, sir. Skinner: Ah, yes. Uh... Take a good look at him, Nelson, 'cause that's where you're headed.

— "Lisa's Date With Density"

Nelson: [to a kid] Bite me. [to Janey] Cram it. [to Ralph] You're dead. [to Mrs. Krabappel] Get bent, Ma'am.

— Ensuring good grades, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Lisa: Why do you have to be such a pain all the time? Don't you realize you're getting a bad reputation? Nelson: Don't you realize your butt sticks out?

— "Lisa's Date With Density"

Marge: An automatic dialer? Is that legal? I don't want you getting arrested, Homer. Homer: I won't. Marge: Or swindling our neighbors. Homer: [pause]

— Can I choose?, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So, use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay, eternal happiness is just a dollar away.

— Homer's take at telemarketing scam, "Lisa's Date With Density"

One dollar for eternal happiness. Mmmm... I'd be happier _with_ the dollar.

— Burns as we know him, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Homer: Now we just sit by the mailbox and watch the money roll in. Marge: But you're going to annoy thousands of people just to make a few measly dollars. It's nothing but panhandling. Homer: Tele-panhandling.

— So that makes you tele-annoying, "Lisa's Date With Density"

...and should there be requests for an encore, we will reprise "Pop Goes the Weasel." Otherwise, we will file out quietly.

— Mr. Largo sums up the concert, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Willy: And that's how Willy waters. Now, you take the hoose. Nelson: The moose? Willy: The HOOSE! The HOOSE! [Willy gives the hose to Nelson] Nelson: Is this right? [sprays him] Willy: Aaugh! Turn off the noozle! Nelson: The noodles? What noodles? Willy: The noozle at the end of the hoose!

— "Lisa's Date With Density"

Miss Simpson? Do you find something funny about the word tromboner?

— Mr. Largo, losing our PG rating, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Sherri: She was looking at Nelson! Kids: [taunting] Lisa likes Nelson! Milhouse: She does not! Kids: [taunting] Milhouse likes Lisa! Janey: He does not! Kids: [taunting] Janey likes Milhouse! Uter: She does not! Kids: [taunting] Uter likes Milhouse! Mr. Largo: Nobody likes Milhouse!

— Well put, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Oooh. How does Bart do this every week?

— Lisa writing on the blackboard, "Lisa's Date With Density"

He's not like anybody I've ever met. He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest. He sure is ugly, though.

— Lisa thinks about Nelson, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Lisa: Milhouse, I've never told anyone this kind of thing before, but I've never felt this way before. I think I have a crush... Milhouse: [gasps] Oh! Oh, _really_? [suavely drinks from his milk carton] Lisa: ... on Nelson Muntz. [Milhouse gags, then spits his milk back into the straw, causing the carton to expolde and spill milk all over him] Nelson: Way to drink, poindexter!

— "Lisa's Date With Density"

Milhouse: You like Nelson?! But he's a creep and he chipped one of my permanent teeth! Lisa: But I bet underneath he's a sweet, sensitive person... like you. [Milhouse makes an unflattered glare] Lisa: I guess you could say I'm wanna bring out the Milhouse in Nelson. Milhouse: But _I'm_ all Milhouse! Plus, my mom says I'm the handsomest guy in school.

— Ahem, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Lisa: I like you too, Milhouse, but not in that way. You're like a big sister. Milhouse: No, I'm not! Why does everybody keep saying that? Lisa: Would you do me a favor? When you get back to class, just give him this note. Milhouse: [groans] Lisa: [insistent] Please? Milhouse: [thinking] When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's _bound_ to respect you. [aloud] Sure! What's a big sister for? [walks off] [to himself] Oh... I shouldn't have said that.

— "Lisa's Date With Density"

Nelson: [reading] "Guess who likes you." [turns around] [Milhouse wiggles his fingers at him]

— That won't help, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Lisa: Milhouse, I'm so sorry! Paramedic: He can't hear you now. We had to pack his ears with gauze.

— "Lisa's Date With Density"

Lisa: Nelson! Um... that note Milhouse gave you? It wasn't from him. It was from... me. Nelson: You?! Why would _you_ like me? No girls like me. [pause] Are you wearing a wire? Lisa: I don't know why I like you, I just do. So... what do you think? Nelson: It's okay... I guess. Do I have to do anything? Lisa: Well, would you like to come over to my house after school? Nelson: Okay. But if anybody sees us, I'm just there to steal your bike.

— Nelson's views on dating, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Homer: Woo-hoo! Two dollars! It's working! [at the Springfield Retirement Castle] Grampa: I don't feel any happier. How about you? Jasper: Mmm... A little.

— If you ever want to spell "pathetic", "Lisa's Date With Density"

Bart: Hey, Lis, Mom said you had the toenail clippers and... Woah! Lisa, look out! Nelson's in our house! Lisa: It's okay. I invited him over. Nelson's my new... friend. Bart: Are you _nuts_? I'll probably never say this to you again, but... you can do better! Lisa: Please don't ruin this for me, Bart. I think he's starting to like me. Bart: Milhouse likes you. Lisa: Oh please! Milhouse like Vaseline on toast! Bart: Hmm.

— Culinary curiosities, "Lisa's Date With Density"

No, pawns can't move that way, you stupid arm.

— Frink plays chess agains his robotic arm, "Lisa's Date With Density"

You're the first person I've had over to the house since my Dad went nuts.

— Nelson brings Lisa over, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Lisa: [reading] "Nuke the whales?" You don't really believe that, do you? Nelson: I dunno. Gotta nuke something. Lisa: Touche.

— Tough argumentation, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Joy to the world the teacher's dead! They barbecued her head! What happened to her body? We flushed it down the potty And 'round and 'round it goes And 'round and 'round it... goes...

— Nelson's guitar talent, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Marge: When I first met your father, he was loud, crude and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now, he's a whole new person. Lisa: Mom...? Marge: He's a _whole_ _new_ _person_, Lisa. Lisa: Oh, I know.

— You noticed?, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Lisa: Isn't it nice up here? What are you thinking, Nelson? Nelson: Am I thinking about what? Lisa: About anything. Nelson: Nothin'. Lisa: [growls] How do you feel? What's inside you right now? Nelson: Guts... and black stuff... and about fifty Slim Jims. Lisa: Come on, Nelson! You must think and feel things. I mean, look at where we are: a rolling, green hillside, the stars coming out like God is lighting a million tiny candles, the moon looking down on us as if to say... [Lisa turns to Nelson, who suddenly kisses her] Lisa: [thinking] My first kiss! I always wondered what it would be like! Nelson: This oughtta shut her up.

— By any means necessary, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Dolph: Oh, man! You kissed a girl! Jimbo: That is so gay! Lisa: Listen, you thugs. Stop making fun of him or you'll be sorry. All three: [sarcastically] Woaaah!! Lisa: You'll be so sorry when you realize how you've hurt the feelings of a sweet young man.

— That'll show them, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Jimbo: Come raid Skinner's house with us. Kearney: We found a bunch of rancid coleslaw in the dumpster behind Krusty Burger. Dolph: Yeah, and we're gonna go heave it at his house!

— Elementary school pranks, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Ned: [sleepy] Howdily-diddely. Phone: Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look... Ned: [hangs up] Oh, it's that darn recording again. Maude: Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone. [Ned turns out the light -- the phone rings again] Ned: Howdily-di... Phone: Greetings, friends... [Ned hangs up] Ned: Dang! Maude: I told you to unplug the phone. Ned: But it could be my mother! [the phone rings] Howdy... Phone: Greetings, friends... Ned: [hangs up] Shoot! Maude: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Homer: [outside his window] Will you two shut up?! People are trying to sleep!

— "Lisa's Date With Density"

Great barrier reef! We're under attack!

— Skinner, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Skinner: Who's out there? Give me your names so I can tell the police. Agnes: [from upstairs] Seymour, what's going on? What's that odor? Skinner: Go back to bed, mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb bums, if you think I'm impressed, I am not. [they fan their bare behinds in front of his window] Skinner: Ohm brandishing your buttocks is only making me angrier! Agnes: I wanna see what's going on! Skinner: No, mother! Don't look out the window! Agnes: [screams]

— Never saw a bare butt before, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Nelson: Lisa, cops are chasing me! I need a place to hide! [Homer opens his window] Homer: Lisa's window is the next one.

— Caring as always, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Ned: Howd... Phone: Greetings, friends... Maude: Ned, did you plug that phone back in? Homer: Shut _up_!

— When you shut up first,"Lisa's Date With Density"

Wiggum: A-ha! I had a feeling we'd find you here! [shoots] Lou: Chief, no! Eddie: What'd you do that for? Wiggum: Well, that thing's been driving the whole town nuts. Got me out of the bath seven times. Seven! Homer: [running down stairs] Hey, who shot the auto-dialer? [sees police] ... Marge's auto-dialer. Wiggum: See you in court, Simpson. Oh, and uh, bring that evidence with you. Otherwise, I got no case, and you go scot-free, you know.

— "Lisa's Date With Density"

Lou: Uh, Chief, what about those coleslaw punks? Wiggum: Well, I... I can't be everywhere at once, Lou, now can I? You know, in most cities, the Chief of Police doesn't even go out on calls like these. Eddie: Yeah, yeah, we know, Chief. Lou: We appreciate it, Chief. Eddie: Count our blessings everyday. Lou: Yeah we're very appreciative.

— Did they teach guilt trips at the academy too?, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Lisa: I think they're giving up. Nelson: Thanks for helping me out. You're a stand-up babe.

— This means good, right?, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Nelson: Check it out. Skinner's mopping the goo off his house! Wait till he finds what I left in his birdbath. Skinner: Nooooooooooooooooo!

— Even worse than all you suffered in 'Nam?, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Milhouse: Hi, Lisa. Could I talk to you, or would that just make Nelson whale on me again? Lisa: Don't worry. Nelson and I don't like each other anymore. Milhouse: [gasps] Really? You got anybody in mind for your next crush? Lisa: Well, I'm really not thinking about that now. [walking away] I suppose it could be almost anybody. Milhouse: [jumps into the air] YES!

— Way to go, you're on the maybe list, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Hello, this is Homer Simpson, a.k.a. Happy Dude. The court has ordered me to call every person in town to apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.

— Anti-scamming the Homer way, "Lisa's Date With Density"

Lisa: Did you hear that, Bart? Bart: Maybe it was just the cat. Lisa: No, she's sleeping with me. [Snowball II shows up, wearing a baby bonnet and booties]

— Like child like cat, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Bart: Did you guys hear something moving around in the attic last night? Homer: Attic? Oh, that's silly. [laughs] Seriously though, don't ever go up there.

— What a frank attitude, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Marge: Homer, isn't it about time for the... you know? Homer: Yeah, yeah, I'll go feed it. [goes to the fridge, where he picks up a bucket of fish heads] [singing] Fish heads, fish heads, doo doo doo doo doo...

— Nothing suspicious there, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Lisa: What's up there? Bart: Is it a monster? Lisa: We have to know. Bart: Tell us what's the secret. Homer: No more questions. I work my butt off to feed you four kids and all you do is... [Marge is staring at him] What? Marge: *Three*. We have _three_ kids, Homer. Homer: Yeah, three _nosy_ kids. And you know what happens to nosy kids who ask too many questions? Kids: [quickly] No, what? Does something happen? Does something happen to nosy kids who ask questions? What happens?

— Never mind, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

[view of 3 vases, matching the kids' height] Lisa: [muffled] Bart, do you think it's safe? Bart: [muffled] I don't care -- I can't breathe in here! [the kids rush out of a nearby closet, gasping for air]

— They still remember Tracey Ullman, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

See, Marge, who needs a car-wash when you can just drive around in the rain?

— Homer, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Bart+Lisa: [quickly] Mom! Dad! We saw something in the attic! We saw something in the attic! Marge: You went into the attic? [gasps] I'm very disappointed and terrified.

— Thanks for calming my fears, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Marge: Yes, doctor. It's what we've always feared: it's loose. Hugo is loose. See you soon!

— Casual phonecalls, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Bart: Who or what is Hugo? Marge: Hmm. I'm afraid we haven't been entirely honest with you, Bart. You see... you have a brother. Lisa: So I have _two_ brothers? Homer: Lisa, please. [pushes her aside]

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Hibbert: Yes, I remember Bart's birth well. You don't forget a thing like... [dramatic] Siamese twins! Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins". Hibbert: And Hillbillies prefer to be called "sons of the soil". But it ain't gonna happen.

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

[Hibbert shows Bart-Hugo to Marge] [one of them starts gnawing the other ferociously] Marge: I think I'll bottle-feed that one.

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Hibbert: The routine soul smear confirmed the presence of pure evil. It was then I knew the only option was to separate you two immediately. [chops a paper cutter] [hands forms to Marge and Homer] You'll both need to sign these. [chuckles]

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Hibbert: But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. So, we did the only humane thing. Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week. Marge: It's saved our marriage.

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Homer: We'll search out every place a sick twisted solitary misfit might run to. Lisa: I'll start with Radio Shack.

— Hey, I used to hang out there!, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Bart, you stay home and tape the hockey game.

— Homer, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Hugo: I went mad after they tore us apart, but I'll be sane... once I sew us back together. Bart: But you'll *kill* both of us. Hugo: No, it's easy. Look, I've been practicing: I made a pigeon-rat. [said pigeon-rat flies into a wall, falls back, and tries to enter a mouse hole]

— Natural evolution, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Well, let's get started: you want to be on the right or the left?

— Hugo, about to sew himself to Bart, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Hibbert: There, there, Hugo. I understand. All those years caged up in here, why, you've probably never ever seen your own face in the mirror, have you? Here. [Hibbert hands up a frame between him and Hugo] Hugo: Mmm? [stares into the frame, which reveals Hibbert's face] [Hibbert punches him through the (empty) frame]

— No need for violence, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

We think we saw Hugo at the airport; he was boarding a plane to Switzerland and... [sees Hugo] Oh.

— Homer, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Hibbert: You know, isn't it interesting how the left -- or sinister -- twin is invariably the evil one. I had this theory that... Wait a minute. Hugo's scar is on the wrong side. He couldn't have been the evil left twin. That means the evil twin is, and always has been... Bart! Bart: Oh, don't look so shocked. Hibbert: Well, chalk this one up to carelessness on my part.

— Pobody's Nerfect, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Hibbert: Care for a drumstick, Hugo? [Hugo noisily eats his drumstick in 3 seconds, wipes his mouth, then starts eating the napkin] Lisa: Mom, Hugo's eating his napkin. [laughter] Bart: [from the air ducts] Hey, can I have some turkey? Marge: No, you finish your fish heads. Then we'll talk. [closes the vent]

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Lisa: This tooth will be perfect for my science project. [sets up her exhibit: "Will cola dissolve a tooth?"] Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol and chinese food, but I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!

— A lifetime mission, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Bart: Hey, Lis. Check out _my_ science project. [rubs a balloon over his head, then touches Lisa with a spark of static electricity] Lisa: Ow! What's _that's_ supposed to prove? Bart: That nerds conduct electricity. [touches her again] Lisa: Ow!

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Oh boy, mold! That's science fair pay dirt.

— I can't hold my excitement, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Lisa: [gasps] Tiny little people! My God! I've created life! Marge: Lisa! Breakfast! We're having waffles! Lisa: Ooh! Waffles! [runs down]

— The meal of choice of Darwin, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Wait, one of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral. [gasps] I've created Lutherans!

— Lisa, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Bart: Your micro-jerks attacked me! Lisa: Well, you practically destroyed their whole world. Bart: You can't protect them every second. Sooner or later, you'll let your guard down, and then flush: it's toilet time for Tinytown.

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

It worked! The de-bigulator world!

— Tiny Frink, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Leader: Welcome to our world, most gracious Lisa. Lisa: Your world is incredible. _And_ you speak English. Leader: We have listened to you speak since the dawn of time, O Creator. And we have learned to imatoot you exarktly.

— Close enough, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Lisa: Listen, I can take care of everything. All you have to do is unshrink me. Frink: Unshrink you? Well, that would require some sort of a *re*-bigulator, which is a concept so ridiculous is makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle, and... [Lisa looks at him] uh... but not at you, O holiest of gods, with the wrathfulness and the vengeance and the blood rain and the hey-hey-hey-it-hurts-me...

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

First-rate work, Bart. This universe you've created is even more impressive than Martin's milk-carton ukulele.

— Principal Skinner, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Principal Skinner, wait! *I* created the universe! Give _me_ the gift certificate!

— Lisa, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Lisa: Oh, great. I'm stuck in this lousy tub for the rest of my life. [people stare at her] Shouldn't you people be grovelling? [they do] And bring me some shoes. Nice ones. Man: She'll want socks, too. I'll get socks.

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Homer: Ah... The old fishin' hole. So peaceful and relaxing, doesn't even matter if I catch a single fish. [yawns] [pauses, then abruptly springs forward] Come on, you stupid fish! Take the bait! Don't make me come down there!

— The pleasures of fishing, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Oh, my God. Space aliens. Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!

— Homer faces alien abduction, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Kang: Silence! We are travellers from a certain nearby ringed planet whose name we'd prefer not to mention. My name is Kang, and this is my sister Kodos. Kodos: [masculine voice] Hello.

— Charmed, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Homer: [gulps] I suppose you want to probe me. Well, might as well get it over with. [unzips his pants] Kang: [disgusted] Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.

— And what a passionating subject, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Homer: I guess you mean President Clinton. He usually hangs around Washington, D.C. Kang: President Clin-Ton? Excellent. Homer: Except, um... there's this election next week, so after that, it might not be him anymore. It might be what's-his-name, uh... Mumbly Joe, uh... I saw him on TV the other... uh... Bob Dole!

— The well-informed American voter, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Ugh, Bob Dole doesn't need this.

— Bob Dole being abducted by aliens, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Wha-wha-wha what's happening? Is it noon already?

— Bill Clinton being abducted by aliens, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

What the hell is this, some kind of tube?

— Bob Dole, in some kind of tube, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Oh, no! Aliens, bio-duplication, nude conspiracies... Oh my God! Lyndon LaRouche was right!

— Homer, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Kodos: What? Are you still here? I'm afraid we'll have to dispose of you... [pushes a button] [out of somewhere comes a cannon, which reveals a smaller cannon, which reveals an even smaller one, from which emerges a tube, spraying Homer] Homer: What are you spraying me with? Kang: Rum. So no one will believe your story. [Kodos kicks Homer off the saucer] Kodos: And don't come back.

— That should take care of him, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Kent: Kent Brockman here, with Campaign '96: America Flips A Coin. At an appearance this morning, Bill Clinton made some rather cryptic remarks, which aides attributed to an overly tight necktie. Kodos: I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. [crosses arms] End communication. Marge: Hmm, that's Slick Willie for you, always with the smooth talk.

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Marge! Marge! There I was, I had just caught the largest fish you'd ever seen, when I was abducted by a flying saucer!

— Homer, catching up the fisherman profile, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Kent: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton? Kang: It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed. DOOMED! Kent: Well, a refreshingly frank response there from senator Bob Dole.

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

These candidates make me wanna vomit in terror!

— Homer speaks out loud what we think, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, 73-year-old candidate, Bob Dole. Kang: Abortions for all. [crowd boos] Very well, no abortions for anyone. [crowd boos] Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others. [crowd cheers and waves miniature flags]

— American politics in its simplicity, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Kang: Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected. Kodos: Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss.

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

George: Uh, Mr. President, Sir. People are becoming a bit... confused by the way your and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands. Kang: We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

— Kodos gives a speech, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Homer: Stop! Those candidates are phonies! [crowd murmurs] You heard me! They're alien replicons from beyond the moon! [crowd laughs at him]

— You just said the "A" word, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Why won't anyone believe my crazy story?

— Homer, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Clinton: Oh, no, am I still here? I don't wanna serve out my term naked in a tube... Dole: I am so mad at the Secret Service right now.

— Clinton and Dole wake up, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Clinton: You know, Senator, being in suspended animation gave me time to think. Partisan politics are tearing our country apart. Dole: You got a point there, Bill. If you and I are gonna whup these one-eyed space fellas, we're gonna have to set aside our differences. Clinton: Together, we can lead America into a new Golden Age. Dole: Friend, you got a deal.

— But enough with the fairy tales, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Oh, no. What have I done? What am I doing? What will I do?

— That is the question, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Kang: The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again. Tomorrow, when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me, Senator Ka... Bob Dole. [applause] Kodos: I am looking forward to an orderly election tomorrow, which will eliminate the need for a violent blood bath. [applause]

— Pre-electoral speeches, "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Homer: America, take a good look at your beloved candidates. They're nothing but hideous space reptiles. [unmasks them] [audience gasps in terror] Kodos: It's true, we _are_ aliens. But what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system; you have to vote for one of us. [murmurs] Man1: He's right, this is a two-party system. Man2: Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Kang: Go ahead, throw your vote away. [Kang and Kodos laugh out loud] [Ross Perot smashes his "Perot 96" hat]

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Marge: I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of. Homer: Don't blame me, *I* voted for Kodos.

— "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Indian #1: Thank you. I just wish Ben and Hoss and Little Joe and Hop Sing and Sheriff Roy and all your favorites could be alive today to see this wonderful turnout. Indian #2: You know, on the series, we were always trying to kill the Cartwrights. [audience boos] But it looks like Father Time took care of that for us, right? [pause] Am I right, folks? [the audience doesn't respond, so the two Indians motion for the theme song to play again, which they dance to] Bart: Oh, this sucks. Marge: Weren't there _three_ Indians last year?

— "The Homer They Fall"

Homer: Look, Marge! They opened a new high-tech gadget store! You love high-tech gadgets. Marge: No, I don't. Homer: Like bull you don't. Come on. [leadingly grabs Marge's arm] Marge: Homer, please! You're hurting my arm. Homer: [obliviously] No I'm not.

— "The Homer They Fall"

Bart: Hey, Lis! Check out this space-age toothbrush. [uses it] Lisa: That's an electric nostril groomer. Bart: [spits and coughs]

— "The Homer They Fall"

Marge: Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a soviet sub? A suede briefcase case? [growls] Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems. Homer: [gasping] Marge, look! "The world's best jacket." If I had this, it would show everybody! [angrily] Show everybody!

— The insecurity jacket, "The Homer They Fall"

CBG: Yes, finally! I would like to return your quote, unquote Ultimate Belt. Salesman: I see. Do you have a receipt, quote, unquote, sir? CBG: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek Convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a _medium_-sized belt. Salesman: Whoa! Whoa! A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies. [sarcastic wink] CBG: Hey, I... [sighs] That... Oh... Salesman: Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but, uh, no receipt, no return. [walks away] Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it. CBG: [sighs, then sells him the belt] Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

— A taste of his own medicine, "The Homer They Fall"

Wow! I bet if God wore pants, he'd have a belt like that!

— Milhouse admires Bart's belt, "The Homer They Fall"

Bart enumerates all the features of his "Tactical Pants-Retaining System": compass, matches, whistle, saw, panic button, squirrel snare, radon/lie detector, sphygmomanometer and cute turn signals. He turns around to show left and right arrows on the backside of the belt, which wows his peers, but they flee when Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney walk up to Bart. Jimbo: Hey Simpson, wanna trade belts? Bart: Well, not really, 'cause yours is just a piece of extension cord. [close-in of a cord wrapped around Jimbo's pants] Kearney: Hey, dude, he's ragging on your cord. Jimbo: Get him!

— Never joke about the cord, "The Homer They Fall"

Bart: I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but... you guys asked for it. [pushes the "Emergency Use Only" button] [a small parachute emerges, carrying a "Call police" sign] Can't you read?! Call the police! [the bullies beat him]

— "The Homer They Fall"

Bart: [all bruised up] Hey, dad. Homer: Looking good, son. [stops Bart] Hey! What happened to your belt?

— The caringest father in the world, "The Homer They Fall"

Homer: Son, there's only one thing punks like that understand: squealing. You've got to squeal to every teacher and every grown-up you can find. Coming to me was a good start. Bart: But then they'll just beat me up even worse! Homer: Yes, they are a clever bunch. I know. I'll squeal for ya... to their parents! [later that day...] Jimbo's dad: [punches him in the face] That's for telling me how to raise my lousy kid! Dolph's dad: [punches him in the gut] This is for the crummy life I've had to live!

— Oh, this is a good idea, "The Homer They Fall"

Fun's over, fellas! If you're gonna beat up _my_ friend in _my_ bar, there's a two-drink minimum.

— Moe's most sacred rule, "The Homer They Fall"

Moe: Geez, Homer. I never seen a guy stand up to that kind of punishment. I mean, you took a three-man pounding and didn't even fall down. Homer: Big deal. I didn't even get my kid's belt back. The only thing a loser like me is good for is taking beatings. Moe: There you go! That's the spirit! Homer, I've seen prizefighters couldn't take a punch half as good as you. You know, boxing might be right up your alley. Homer: Really? Moe: Oh please! It's the good life, Homer. Some of these boxers, they eat steak _and_ lobster _and_ salad bar all in a single meal. Homer: [gasps] Dressing...? Moe: Their choice.

— "The Homer They Fall"

Moe: Are you man enough to test every one of your limits? Homer: Yes. Moe: And are you man enough to throw a punch should the opportunity arise? Homer: Yes! Moe: And are you man enough to give me a sixty percent cut? Homer: YES! Moe: I'll take it. Homer: Woo-hoo! [a boxing bell rings]

— Let the games begin, "The Homer They Fall"

[End of Act One. Time: 5:14]

Wow, I've never been in here before.

— Homer steps into the ladies' room, "The Homer They Fall"

Homer: You used to be a boxer just like me? Moe: Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And finally, Kid Moe. Homer: [raising dirty pail] Hey, what's this? Moe: Ah, that, that's my old spit bucket. Yeah, I've been meaning to empty that out.

— "The Homer They Fall"

Homer: [gasps] You know Lucius Sweet?! He's one of the biggest names in boxing! He's exactly as rich and as famous as Don King, and he looks just like him, too! Moe: Yeah, he was my manager. Back when I was Gorgeous, everybody wanted a piece of me. But somehow, I just never made it to the big time. Homer: Why not? Moe: 'Cause I got knocked out forty times in a row. That, plus politics. You know, it's all politics. Homer: [glaring] Lousy democrats.

— "The Homer They Fall"

Homer, of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle.

— Marge comments on Homer's new boxing carreer, "The Homer They Fall"

Marge: Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor. Homer: No problemo. [pecks Marge on the cheek and walks off] Marge: A _competant_ doctor! Homer: [off-screen] D'oh!

— She knows the trick, "The Homer They Fall"

Hibbert: Well, sir, you more than meet every one of this state's requirements to box, wrestle or be shot out of a cannon. Marge: [growls] That's what we get for living in a state founded by circus freaks.

— At least he doesn't wrestle bears, "The Homer They Fall"

Hibbert: You have an absolutely unique genetic condition known as "Homer Simpson syndrome". Homer: [moaning] Oh, why me?

— "The Homer They Fall"

Hibbert: Why, I could wallop you all day with this surgical two-by-four without ever knocking you down. [brandishes stick, then checks his watch] But... I have other appointments.

— To wallop people with Homer Simpson syndrome perhaps?, "The Homer They Fall"

Moe: All right, Homer. Let's see the left. [a fly stops on Moe's right cushion] [Homer punches it, yet it flies away intact] Moe: O-kay... Let's see the right.

— Don't hold your breath, "The Homer They Fall"

Moe: Okay, punching isn't your thing. But that's okay. You're not that kind of fighter. What you're gonna do is stand there while your opponent gets exhausted from over-punching. Homer: Then I can just push him over. Moe: That's right, and if the ref's not looking, you can kick him a couple of times.

— Homer's always been master at dirty fighting, "The Homer They Fall"

Moe: Who's gonna knock you down? Homer: No one! Moe: When do you gonna fight back? Homer: Never! Moe: What are you gonna do? Homer: Nothin'! Moe: That's my boy!

— "The Homer They Fall"

Barney: Man, you'd never get me into a ring. Boxing causes brain damage. [drinks varnish]

— "The Homer They Fall"

Moe: Okay, you're fighting a guy named Boxcar Bob. Homer: Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he? Moe: Uh, no, not yet, he still lives at the trainyard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fighting for a sandwich.

— The glory of boxing, "The Homer They Fall"

Moe: Homer, I want you to have my lucky mits. I hope you do better with them than I did. Homer: [donning them] Gee, thanks, Moe. What's this? Moe: Ah, that's the barbed wire. We, uh, we called that the stinger. They, they don't let you use that no more.

— But they did then?, "The Homer They Fall"

Now, no matter how much he hits you, you don't do nothing, okay? You don't wanna get drawn into a boxing match, here.

— Moe's idea of managing a boxer, "The Homer They Fall"

Lenny: Man, that tramp's got the energy of a hobo. Carl: Yeah, he never stops punching -- except to check out his bindle. [Bob indeed checks it after every couple of punches]

— "The Homer They Fall"

Moe: Lucius! Hey! What's a glitteradi like you doing in my dump? I thought you were managing the champ. Lucius: Yes, managing Drederick has been my highest priority, even though he is temporarily incarcerated for pushing his mother down the stairs. But with his inpending release, I've been strategizing for his glorious return to the shores of Fistiana. Moe: Uh, what? Lucius: His comeback fight. You know, boxing?

— "The Homer They Fall"

Moe: I gotta be honest with you, Homer. I didn't bring you up here to show you my new tar paper. Homer: You didn't? Moe: No. Homer, how would you like to be heavyweight champion of the world? Homer: Oh, sure.

— Casual talk, "The Homer They Fall"

Moe: All you gotta do is fight Drederick Tatum. It's this Saturday. Here's your parking pass. Homer: [reading the pass] Ooh, "general."

— All the privileges, "The Homer They Fall"

Man #1: Champ, do you feel remorse for your crime? Tatum: Oh, yes. Believe me, my god, if I could turn back the clock on my mother's stair-pushing, I would certainly... reconsider it. Man #2: Drederick, ah, what do you think of Homer Simpson? Tatum: I think he's a good man. I like him. I got nothing against him, but I'm definately gonna make orphans of his children. Man #3: Uh, you know, they _do_ have a mother, Champ. Tatum: Yes, but I would imagine that she would die of grief. [interviewers continue to battle to get their questions in] Lucius: Thank you, thank you. But the champ has no time for further queries. This parole hearing is over. [audience/hearers groan] Man #4: I wanted to know what it was like in prison...

— The law meets the National Enquirer, "The Homer They Fall"

Marge: Homer, why are they saying you're going to fight Drederick Tatum? Homer: [gulps] Uh, well, uh, I was gonna surprise you, but... happy anniversary, baby!

— "The Homer They Fall"

Homer: I'll make a fortune for one night's work! We can have all the things we always dreamed of: a snooty butler, carpeted carports, those blue cupcakes they sell sometimes... Marge: But you'll get killed! Homer: Marge! Will you let me finish? Plug-In room deodorizers, front _and_ rear spoilers for the car.

— And just enough for the coffin, "The Homer They Fall"

Lisa: Mom's right, Dad. The odds against you winning are a thousand to one. Homer: Whoa, I don't think it's _that_ unlikely. Lisa: Those are the odds they're giving in Vegas. Homer: All right, I think we've heard just about enough from Mr. Newspaper today. [tosses the newspaper outside]

— "The Homer They Fall"

[on TV, a monstrously strong Drederick Tatum exits a jail cell threateningly] Announcer: Society put away Drederick Tatum for his brutal crime. But he's paid his debt, and now, he's going to get revenge... on Homer Simpson. [a shot of Homer, staring blankly, and getting powerfully punched in the face by Tatum's boxing glove; Homer's head explodes and morphs into the words "Tatum vs. Simpson: PAYBACK"] Abe & Bart: Yay! Bart: Woo hoo! Abe: [to Maggie] That's your daddy.

— Correction: former daddy, "The Homer They Fall"

You'll be okay, Dad. Just make sure he hits you an _even_ number of times, so you don't end up with amnesia.

— Bart tips his father, "The Homer They Fall"

Marge: Moe, I'm so glad I found you. Please, promise me you won't let Homer get hurt. Moe: Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the villain here, okay? If Homer gets killed in the ring tonight, it'll be because of your negative attitude -- there, I said it.

— And let's not forget all those feminine undergarments..., "The Homer They Fall"

Buffer: Celebrities at ringside tonight: Star of the McBain action films, and feature player in the Hollywood prostitution scandal: Rainer-r-r Wolfcastle! [applause] TV anchorman and Springfield institution, Mr. Kent Brockman! [Kent waves, and the audience boos and throws litter at him] Kent: [sarcastic laugh] This just in, go to hell! Buffer: From the world of organized crime, say hello to Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico! [applause]

— Typical ringside, "The Homer They Fall"

The ruiner of events worldwide -- title fights, the Super Bowl, and the Nixon funeral; ladies and gentlemen, the Fan Man!

— Book him for your own funerals right now, "The Homer They Fall"

Moe: All right, Homer, I'm not gonna lie to you. There's a good chance you can beat Tatum. But you gotta visualize how you're gonna win, okay? Homer: Gotcha. [dreams on about his victory] Announcer: A congenital heart defect has apparently felled Tatum moments before he could step into the ring.

— You wish, Homer, "The Homer They Fall"

To challenge the irresistable force of Tatum, we have the immoveable object; he's been called the Brickhead House and is also known as the Southern Dandy, Homer-r-r Simpson!

— Who's gonna bleep me now?, "The Homer They Fall"

Lucius: Your boy looks a little soft, Moe. You do remember our arrangement? Moe: Yeah, don't worry, you'll get your three rounds. Lucius: Stupendous. Because if he goes down before that bell rings, your future's going with him. Moe: Okey-doke. Future's down the crapper. Gotcha.

— What difference will it make?, "The Homer They Fall"

Due to popular demand, we will forgo our national anthem.

— Micheal Buffer starts the fight, "The Homer They Fall"

Homer: Okay, Homer, nothing to be worried about. Just... [gets punched] OOF! [way back in Row ZZ, Bart and Lisa watch] Bart: Wow! I've never seen Dad hit somebody like _that_ before! Lisa: What are you talking about? Bart: Isn't Dad the one in the black trunks? Lisa: No! Bart: Uh-oh. Marge: [from behind the pillar with Maggie] What? What? What am I missing? What?

— "The Homer They Fall"

Marge: [through Homer's fuzzy vision] Homer! Homer, he's not going to get tired. You've got to hit him back. Hit him back! Homer: That cactus is right.

— "The Homer They Fall"

Moe: Hang in there, Homer! Only four hundred and forty more seconds. [to Abe] He's getting his second win. Abe: No! He's getting killed!

— Bah, either way is good, "The Homer They Fall"

Marge: Somebody stop the fight! Where's the doctor?! [guess who's the fight doctor?] Dr. Riviera: Kill him! Kill him!

— Where's that competent doctor when you need him?, "The Homer They Fall"

Oh my god! Simpson's manager has flown into the ring and is airlifting him out! Ladies and gentlemen, whatever dignity remained in boxing is literally flying out the window.

— "The Homer They Fall"

Homer: [slurred] Are you an angel? Moe: Yes, Homer. I'm an angel. All us angels wear farah slacks. Homer: But you stopped the fight. Won't everyone be mad at you? Moe: Eh, let 'em be mad. The only thing that matters to me is you're safe. [bumps Homer's head up a steel beam] Homer: D'oh! Moe: Sorry.

— Angelic goofs, "The Homer They Fall"

Tatum: Homer, your manager obviously loves you very much. Lucius, would you do that for me? Lucius: Absolutely, I would. [chuckles] Now get in the van.

— "The Homer They Fall"

Lucius: You couldn't even give me one lousy round, Moe. You will always be a loser. Now take your check for a hundred thousand dollars and get out of my sight. Moe: I don't need your stinking money! [carefully folds the check and puts it in his pocket]

— "The Homer They Fall"

Marge: Oh, Homie! Are you okay? Homer: [in pain and sorrow] I can't remember where we parked. Marge: That's all right. We'll just wait till everyone else leaves. Bart: I got your tooth, Dad. [tries to fit it in his mouth] Homer: Uh, not mine. [tosses tooth aside]

— "The Homer They Fall"

Marge, can't we get some clear plates? I can't see the TV!

— Practical Homer, "A Milhouse Divided"

Bart: If you really wanted us to be neater, you'd serve us out of one long bowl. Marge: You're talking about a _trough_. We're not going to eat from a trough. And another thing, it's only 5:15. Why are you in your underwear? Bart: Hey, this ain't the Ritz.

— New tenets of the Bart philosophy, "A Milhouse Divided"

Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. [she walks off] Marge: [off-screen] Hello, Marge. How's the family? [in a different tone] I don't want to talk about it. Mind your own business. Homer: Keep it down in there, everybody!

— "A Milhouse Divided"

Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life? Homer: Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

— "A Milhouse Divided"

Marge: Homer, I want to throw a dinner party. Homer: [whining] Oh, I hate having parties. The toilet always gets backed up. Marge: I don't care if the sink shoots sludge. We're having a party.

— Are there enough gag ice-cubes? "A Milhouse Divided"

Man, that is flagrant false advertising!

— Otto leaving "Stoner's Pot Palace", "A Milhouse Divided"

It's just not a dinner party without a melon baller. And we'll need a citrus zester, a ravioli crimper... Ooh, an oyster mallet! Made in USA? Oh, no, thank you.

— Patriotic Marge, "A Milhouse Divided"

Marge: Ooh! A punchbowl like that just screams good taste. Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party. Homer: Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor? Marge: Well, maybe we could use it once, and then return it. Homer: Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here.

— How about the one that Flanders threw away? "A Milhouse Divided"

Marge: Bart, company's coming, go put doilies under the coasters, hurry, hurry! [the dishwasher dings] [Marge opens it to reveal four toilet seats inside] Marge: Lisa, quick, screw these back on! Lisa: Mom, calm down, the party's not for another three hours! Marge: Oh, good! That will give me time to add another coat of glaze to the ham. [she opens the oven to reveal said meat glowing almost radioactively]

— The conscientious party-giver, "A Milhouse Divided"

Marge: Homer! Homer: What?! Marge: Are you ready? Homer: Just gotta put my shoes on! [Homer is in his underwear, playing with slot-cars] Marge: The only thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes, and you didn't do it.

— Knowing his limitations, "A Milhouse Divided"

Bart: Mom, Reverend Lovejoy doesn't have a coat. Should I let him in? Lovejoy: My coat was stolen at last week's interfaith banquet. So I helped myself to a few of the better umbrellas.

— Turning the other cheek, "A Milhouse Divided"

Well, as you can see, we don't believe fur is murder. But paying for it sure is!

— Julius Hibbert, no friend of PETA, "A Milhouse Divided"

Kirk: Uh, sorry we're late, but Luanne had to put on her face. She doesn't want anyone to know she's got no eyebrows. [Luanne looks at her husband under bizarrely-slanted brows] What? You don't!

— Sight gags of the world, unite! "A Milhouse Divided"

Marge: Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie? Ned: You know, I like his films except for that nervous fellow that's always in them.

— "A Milhouse Divided"

Luanne: If you want to talk nervous, you should've seen Kirk deal with the high-school kids who egged our Bonneville. Kirk: Ha. Should've asked them to hurl some bacon. Then maybe I could have had a decent breakfast for once. [long pause, everyone is uneasy] Homer: You know what you two need? A little comic strip called "Love Is..." It's about two naked eight-year-olds who are married. [even longer pause]

— Not Lisa and Ralph, I hope, "A Milhouse Divided"

Ned: Oh, that's a noodle-scratcher. [starts drawing a few random dots] Maude: [gasps] Cornstarch! Ned: Oh, righty-o! [both laugh] It's good for keepin' down the urges!

— I thought that's what saltpeter was for... "A Milhouse Divided"

Kirk: Ah, come on Luanne, you know what this is. Luanne: Kirk, I don't know what it is. Kirk: [sighs] It could not be more simple, Luanne. You want me to show this to the cat, and have the cat tell you what it is? 'Cause the cat's going to get it. Luanne: I'm sorry, I'm not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College. [timer dings] Kirk: It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it? Luanne: Kirk, you're spitting. Kirk: Okay, genius, why don't _you_ draw dignity. [she does so] [everyone gasps in recognition -- we can't see it, however] Hibbert: Worthy of Webster's.

— Next, she'll show us where Springfield is on a map, "A Milhouse Divided"

Lovejoy: Now, Kirk, it's only a game. Sometimes, we... Kirk: Aw, cram it, churchy!

— Should've kept that one for Sunday's sermon, "A Milhouse Divided"

Kirk: Why don't you tell them one of your little bedtime stories, huh? Like the one about how rotten it is to be married to a loser. Or how about the one about how I carry a change purse? Yeah, a purse! Homer: Shut up and let the woman talk.

— Aw, we were getting to the good stuff now, "A Milhouse Divided"