Movie Trivia

My apologies, sir, but the sale of fireworks is prohibited in this state and is punishable by a f... [the last customer leaves] Follow me.

— Moral values up high, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Any red-blooded, flag-fearing American would love the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.

— "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Marge: Didn't you buy any meat? Homer: [stroking a firecracker] This baby's sure to kill something.

— "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Marge: Let Lisa be alone with her new friends. Bart: They're _my_ friends rightfully. She only got them by copying me. Lisa: [calling out] Don't have a cow, man! Bart: See? That's my expression. Marge: Oh, you haven't said that in four years. Let Lisa have it. Bart: It's the principle. She's got to learn! Marge: NO! Now, park your keister, meister. [Bart sulks while Marge walks away] Lisa: [in distance] Aye Carumba!

— A little meta-humor for your enjoyment, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

I'm dizzy... I'm nauseous... but I'm popular!

— Lisa Simpson, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

You taught us about cool things like nature, and why we shouldn't drink sea water.

— Ben, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Lisa: This is the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever-- Homer: Sweet merciful crap! My _car_!

— Homer's car gets decorated, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Sitting in my car outside your house Remember when you spilled Coke all over your blouse T-Shirts, cut-offs and a pair of thongs We've been having fun all summer long. (instrumental continues for ~10 seconds) Won't be long till summertime is through Every now and then we hear our song...

[to the tune of "Hooray for Hollywood"] I work for Monty Burns, Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh Monty Burns.

— What keeps Waylon Smithers alive, "You Only Move Twice"

What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?

— Smithers' view of America, "You Only Move Twice"

Marge: You took a new job in a strange town without discussing it with your family? Homer: Of course not. I wouldn't do that! [pause] Why not? Marge: We have roots here, Homer. We have friends and family and library cards... Bart's lawyer is here.

— All the essential commodities, "You Only Move Twice"

Homer: But, Marge, this is a chance for me to fulfil my lifelong dream. Marge: *What* lifelong dream?

— Just pick one from the list, "You Only Move Twice"

Homer: Promise not to laugh? I always wanted to own the Dallas Cowboys. [Bart and Lisa laugh] Lisa: I'm sorry, Dad. I just find that very cute.

— "You Only Move Twice"

Marge: I've dug myself into a happy little rut here and I'm not about to hoist myself out of it. Homer: Just bring the rut with ya, Honey.

— "You Only Move Twice"

TV: "Cypress Creek: The Tale of One City". Homer: Uh, let's watch something else. Marge: Homer, you're trying to talk us into moving to this place. Homer: Oh, yeah, that's right. Let's watch this.

— The power of conviction, "You Only Move Twice"

Announcer #1: Cypress Creek: where dreams come true. Announcer #2: [quickly] Your dreams may vary from those of Globex Corporation, its subsidiaries and shareholders.

— A fair warning, "You Only Move Twice"

Homer: Well, what do you think of me and Cypress Creek now, Marge? Marge: It does seem nicer than Springfield. Lisa: Yeah, did you notice how the people weren't shoving or knocking each other down? I've never been to a place like that before. Bart: [shoves her aside] Me neither.

— "You Only Move Twice"

Oh, wow! Windows!

— Otto takes a look at the house, "You Only Move Twice"

Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels! [runs off] Homer: Thank you. Come again.

— Getting things off his chest, "You Only Move Twice"

Marge: Even if we sell the house, we still don't come close to paying off the mortgage. [pause] Homer+Marge: [getting a flash] Hey... [Homer nails an "Abandoned" sign to the door]

— The answer to all your mortgage problems, "You Only Move Twice"

Ned: Uh, huh-huh... Homer, ah... About those things you borrowed from me over the years, you know, the TV trays, the power sander, the downstairs bathtub... You gonna be... needing those things in Cypress Creek? Homer: Yes. Ned: Oh. Uh... Homer: [reciting] Okily dokily... Ned: Okily dokily!

— 8 years of Ned-handling, "You Only Move Twice"

Homer: I'm gonna miss Springfield. This town's been awfully good to us. Bart: No, it hasn't, Dad. That's why we're leaving. Homer: Oh, yeah. [pokes his head out the window] So long, Stinktown!

— And thus it ends, "You Only Move Twice"

It says here, one of these giant redwood trees can provide enough sawdust to cover an entire day's worth of vomit at Disneyland.

— Lisa reads the Cypress Creek brochure, "You Only Move Twice"

Homer: Wow, my boss. Hank: Don't call me that word. I don't like things that elevate me about the other people. I'm just like you. Oh, sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations, but I don't like the word "boss".

— Though I like its income, "You Only Move Twice"

Hank: Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there's a pair for you. Don't like them? Then neither do I! [throws them out] Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say good-bye to a shoe? Homer: [chuckles] Yeah, it's fun!

— "You Only Move Twice"

Marge: Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush. Hank: We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush; they'd be allowed to go at their own pace.

— The spirit of Cypress Creek, "You Only Move Twice"

Marge: Okay, the oven is cleaning itself, the autovac's on dirt patrol, and Maggie's enjoying her Swing-A-Majig. [said Maggie tries desperately to reach the "off" switch] I can't believe it. I've done all my housework, and it's only 9:30. [looses her smile] Well, better go upstairs and make sure the beds are still made.

— Some tough competition, "You Only Move Twice"

Hank: You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here. Homer: Yes, sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion.

— Preaching by the example, "You Only Move Twice"

Hank: Would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall, please? Homer: Mm-hmm. [taking his coat] Hmm, uh, let's see... [the floor is one big room, with windows all around] Um, uh, well, uh... Hank: [laughs] Relax, Homer. At Globex, we don't believe in walls. Matter of fact, I didn't even give you my coat. Homer: Mmm? [his hands are indeed empty] [Hank is now wearing his coat] Wow.

— Better than Houdini and Copperfield put together, "You Only Move Twice"

These gentlemen here will be your eyes and your ears, and should the need arise, they'll fill in for any other part of your body.

— Which one's the beer belly?, "You Only Move Twice"

Hank: Your job will be to manage and motivate them. Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience. Homer: Don't worry, that won't take long.

— About two minutes and a half, "You Only Move Twice"

Hank: The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean. I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready? Homer: Right. Hank: Three... Two... [phone rings] One second... [Hank answers the phone and Homer falls to the ground] Oh, my God, the guy's on the floor. Uh, that was a phone call; don't chalk that up to mistrust, now.

— "You Only Move Twice"

Hank: I'm gonna leave everything to you. We're on a tight schedule. You keep them motivated. [he leaves] [his staff is busily working] Homer: [to staff] Are you guys working? Man 1: Yes, sir, Mr. Simpson. Homer: Could you, um... work any harder than this? Man 2: Sure thing, boss. [they do] Homer: Hey, call me Homer.

— You too can learn my secrets to successful mananagement, "You Only Move Twice"

Kid 1: You got a fresh sound. It'll play well at this school. Kid 2: [looking a lot like Milhouse] Hey, Bart, do you have a best friend yet? 'Cause I've been looking for someone to boss me around.

— That's hard to find around here, "You Only Move Twice"

Teacher: So, you never learned cursive? Bart: Um, well, I know hell and damn and bit...

— Saved by the bleep, "You Only Move Twice"

Bart: So, what are you in for? Gordy: [slowly and strangely sounding] I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh? Dot: I fell off the jungle gym and when I woke up I was in here. Warren: I start fires.

— Dead Leg-Up Society, "You Only Move Twice"

Teacher: Okay. Now, everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper. This week, I hope we can finish our work on the letter "A". Bart: Let me get this straight. We're behind the rest of our class and we're going to catch up to them by going slower than they are? [making "crazy" gesture] Cuckoo. Kids: [imitating him] Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Teacher: Stop it! Stop it! Warren! Melvin! Gary! Dot! Gordy!

— My new menagerie, "You Only Move Twice"

Bart: Listen lady, I'm s'pose to be in the fourth grade. Teacher: Seems to me that someone's got a case of the "s'pose'das". Bart: [moans] [Warren pats him on the back thrice, but on the fourth time, he just smacks him] Teacher: Warren!

— "You Only Move Twice"

Lisa: [to a nearby chipmunk] Hello, Mr. Chipmunk. You're a northern reticulated chipmunk. Yes, you are. [pokes its nose] You are so reticulated. [to an owl] Hi, Mrs. Owl. You're out kind of early. [walks off merrily] La-la-la, la-la... [as soon as she's out, the owl grabs the chipmunk]

— Better than Time Life, "You Only Move Twice"

Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up two percent, and it's all because of _my_ motivational techniques. Like, donuts. And a possibility of more donuts to come.

— Homer's second secret to successful management, "You Only Move Twice"

Wow, a baseball made out of Secretariat!

— Bart gazes upon the Spend Zone, "You Only Move Twice"

Homer: [gasps] Tom Landry's hat, and it's autographed. "To Berman's Dry Cleaning. Best wishes, Tom Landry." Bart: Why don't you buy it? Homer: I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. [gasps] Guys like me! I'm a guy like me!

— He's getting it, "You Only Move Twice"

Hank: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you? Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks. Hank: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third. Homer: Uh-huh. Hank: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There? Homer: Mm-Hmm. Hank: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third. Homer: Oh, the hammock district. Hank: That's right.

— "You Only Move Twice"

Hank: Uh, Homer, one second. I gotta take care of this. Very important. Be right back. Homer: Fine. [Hank's map of the world reveals a giant viewscreen, on which appears the UN staff] Hank: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the Doomsday Device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you'll face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this. [activates a remote] [an explosion occurs near the UN building] Man 1: Oh, my God, the 59th Street bridge! Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own. Man 1: We can't take that chance. Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance. Hank: Collapsed on its own? You, sh... You have 72 hours. See ya. [to Homer] Back to the hammocks, my friend. You know, there's a little place called Mary Ann's Hammocks. The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you. [laughs] I'm just kidding. Homer: Oh. Hank: You know who invented the hammock, Homer? Homer: No. Hank: That's something for you to do. Find that out.

— Hammocks and world domination, "You Only Move Twice"

Hank: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country: Italy or France? Homer: France. Hank: [chuckles] Nobody ever says Italy. [sets the coordinates of a giant laser gun]

— Casual discussion, "You Only Move Twice"

Homer: Uh... you have any sugar around here? Hank: Sugar? Sure. [fumbles in his pockets, takes out a few handfuls of sugar] There you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream? Homer: Uh... I... no.

— That's the right answer, "You Only Move Twice"

Kids: [singing to the tune] I like me I like me I'm as good as I can be With a smile and a wave and a happy melody I'm as good as... [slowing as they see the teacher reaching for the record player] I... [slowly taking places] Teacher: Hooray! Everyone's a winner! Bart: [groans]

— And that's how we help them catch up, "You Only Move Twice"

Hank: Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bont? Bont: Scorpio, you're totally mad. Hank: Heh, I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk. Bont: So, do you expect me to talk? Hank: I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. [leaves] You're gonna die, now.

— Not unless my contract says so, "You Only Move Twice"

Hank: Stop him! He's supposed to die! [Homer jumps on Bont who was running past him] Nice work, Homer! Am I proud of you. Homer: [shy] Well... Hank: When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house. [they both walk off] Thank you. [guards shoot Bont off-screen]

— Just doing my job, "You Only Move Twice"

Lisa: I'b allergic to everythig here. By nose is so stuffed ub, I can't eben taste Mob's delicious boiled celery. Marge: I've been so bored since we moved here, I found myself drinking a glass of wine every day. I know doctors say you should drink a glass and a half but I just can't drink that much. Homer: Well, the Simpson men are doing fine, right Bart? You haven't even gotten in trouble at school. Bart: I _can't_ get in trouble at school, they put me in the remedial class. I'm surrounded by arsonists and kids with mittens pinned to their jackets all year 'round.

— "You Only Move Twice"

We've got it great, here. And for the first time in my life, I'm actually good at my job. My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions.

— Homer, "You Only Move Twice"

Homer: Say, what's going on? Hank: I'm having a little trouble with the government. Homer: Oh, those jerks always walking over the small businessman. Don't get me started about the government.

— "You Only Move Twice"

Hank: Let them go. You'll stay here with me, we'll go bowling. [a burning man runs by] What's bothering them? [troops are shooting at each other] Homer: Nothing big. It's just a lot of little things. Hank: Well, you can't argue with the little things. It's the little things that make up life. [throws a grenade]

— "You Only Move Twice"

P.A.: T minus 14 seconds. Hank: If you need anything, you call me. Homer: All right. What's the number? Hank: I've never had to call my own company. Someone will tell you upstairs. But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help a lot. [goes off to use a flamethrower on the troops]

— Anything for you, "You Only Move Twice"

Let me just get my girlfriend, and I'll go. Hey, Crystal, wake up!

— Otto leaves OFF's house, "You Only Move Twice"

Homer: [reading] "Project Arcturus couldn't have succeeded without you. This will get you a little closer to that dream of yours. It's not the Dallas Cowboys, but it's a start. Drop me a line if you're on the East Coast, Hank Scorpio." [a whole football team is on his lawn] [disappointed] Aw, the Denver Broncos! Marge: I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good. [a player tries to catch the ball, but falls] Homer: Yeah, yeah. Marge: Well, explain to me why it isn't. [another player tries to catch, but hits the ball with his head] Homer: [sighs] You just don't understand football, Marge.

— "You Only Move Twice"

Oh, why do they have to put all of this crud in my newspaper. [tosses sections aside] "World." "The Arts." "Religion." Ah-ha! Here it is: "Kickin' Back."

— Homer's vision of a newspaper, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: Hey, who cut something out of my paper? [Homer stares suspiciously through the newspaper hole at his wife and children] Lisa: Not me. Bart: Not me. I'm more of a mail-tamperer. Marge: Don't look at me. Just because I'm holding a pair of scissors. [Homer frowns] Scissors which I need to, uh, to... gussy up these curtains. [she half-heartedly trims the curtains, grinning sheepishly at her husband.]

— "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: Yello? Oh, hi, Lenny. [Marge reacts with alarm] No, why would I need a ride this afternoon? [Marge begins to vacuum next to Homer. He is forced to yell.] Where? To the big annual what? [Marge pounds at the telephone plug with the vacuum. Finally the plug comes out of the wall] Lenny? Aw, well, if it was big and annual, I'm sure they'd have mentioned it in the newspaper.

— Homer's specious reasoning, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Yeah, it's a lazy dog-dangling afternoon...

— Attica, Attica, Attica! "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Well, I just fell like filling the house with the rich satisfying smell of tobacco.

— Marge, our new spokeperson, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: What's wrong with you? What are you trying to hide from me... [Homer opens the door and sniffs] What's that smell? Onions... chili powder... cumin... juicy ground chuck? It's chili! Oh, my god, I'm missing the chili cook-off! [whining, fidgeting] I'm missing the cook-off, it's going on right now, and I'm missing it. Marge: All right, I *was* trying to keep it from you, but I had a good reason. Every time you go to that cook-off you get drunk as a poet on payday.

— As drunk as James Dickey? "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: Well of course, everything looks bad if you remember it. Now where are my chili boots? [finds them in the closet] Ah!

— Somehow I'm not reassured, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Marge: Okay, we'll go to the chili cook-off, but I want you to promise that you won't have any beer. Homer: [trying to pull his boots on] Okay, quit nagging me, I won't have any beer. Sheesh, why don't you have a cigarette or something? Marge: Mm, I suppose I could.

— You've come a long way, baby, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Lisa: I'm gonna go get some vegetarian chili before they get desperate and add meat. Bart: I'm gonna go claim some valuables at the lost-and-found.

— "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Marge: Oh, look at that adorable spice rack! Eight spices? Some *must* be doubles. Ore-GAH-no? What the hell? Homer: Marge, we're missing the chili. Less artsy, more fartsy. Marge: Homer, I happen to like handicrafts much more than stuffing my face. Homer: Fine, I'll come find you when I'm ready to stop having fun. Marge: Remember your promise: no drinking. [they walk apart] Homer: [sotto voce] Stupor-pooper...

— "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Helen: Howdy howdy, Marge and Home... oh, my mistake. Homer's not even *with* you. Probably just knocking back a few "refreshments." [chuckles] Marge: Thank you for your concern, Helen. Homer isn't drinking today. Helen: Oh! I think it's lovely that he said that. And that you believed him. Lovejoy: Now, Helen, let us not glory in Homer's binge-drinking. There but for the grace of God goes Marge herself.

— "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

They say he carved it himself... from a bigger spoon.

— Lenny narrates the spoon legend, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: Five-alarm chili, eh? Ned: Uh-huh. Homer: [eats some] One, two... hey, what's the big idea? Ned: Oh, I admit it. It's only two-alarm, two-and-a-half, tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids. Todd: Daddy? Are you going to jail? Ned: We'll see, son. We'll see.

— "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Smithers: Evenin', little lady. You reckon a square could get a dance? Marge: [sighs] It looks so complicated. Do you know how? Smithers: Ma'am, I wouldn't honk the honk if I couldn't tonk the tonk.

— Whatever that means for his reputation, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

That Simpson, he thinks he's the pope of chili town.

— Wiggum, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Wiggum: Afternoon, Homer. Care for some chili? I've added an extra ingredient just for you. [dramatic] The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango! [exhibits a glowing pepper] [crowd gasps] Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum. [drops the pepper back in the pot] [crowds observes in silence] Homer: Uh, Wiggy? My chili's getting cold.

— A fistful of chilis, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Ralph: Wait, mister, you're drinking a candle. You don't want to get wax in your mouth, do you? Homer: [slyly] Maybe I do, son. Maybe I do. [Homer chugs the candle, and spits out a stream of wax, which solidifies on the spot] Outstanding!

— A man, a plan, a candle, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Wiggum: Hey, everybody, look who's back. It's the biiig baby. [childlike] Oh, dis porridge is too hot! Oh, wah-wah-wah! [crowd laughs, but Homer hands his spoon in silence] Want some more, do you? Well, sure! Heck, it's not my job to talk people out of killing themselves.

— Bad cops, bad cops, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Quimby: Good lord, this can't be happening! Hibbert: By all medical logic, steam should be shooting out of his ears. Krusty: His ears, if we're lucky.

— Chili as seen on Road Runner, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Well, Chief, don't quit your day job... Whatever that is.

— Homer, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Flanders: Well, sure, buddy, I'd be happy to help out. What can I [Ned's visage begins changing as Homer hallucinates] do- diddily-doodily-diddly-hobbily-hibbily-gobbily-gobbily- gobble-gabba-gabba-hey. [Homer screams and falls. He then sees everyone else as caricatures of their normal selves] Jasper: Goo Goo Ga-Joob? Nelson: [parrot-like] Ha-HAW! Ha-HAW! Krabappel: [muted trumpet sounds] Barney: [incredible belch]

— And so it begins, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Ralph: Hey, Mister, do you need some help? Otto: Let him go, Ralph. He knows what he's doing. [Homer screams bewilderedly]

— I wouldn't bet on it, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Okay, retrace your steps. Woke up, fought with Marge, ate Guatemalan insanity peppers, then I... Oh...

— Homer's daily regimen, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn't brain my damage.

— Who would notice? "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Note to self: stop doing anything.

— Good advice, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Marge: Has anyone seen Homer? Helen: Marge, better you should hear it from me than from some gossipy neighbor. Homer made a total jackass of himself. Lovejoy: Helen, that's enough. Call off your dogs. Helen: But someone had to tell her. [sulking] And I got here first!

— Gossip used for good, not evil?, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Hey, buddy! Get back there with the other rocks!

— Homer's attempt to domesticate rocks, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: [reading] "Follow the..." [gasps] This must be why I'm here! Follow the what? Follow the what? Hurry up! [the message reads: "Follow the tortoise"] D'oh! [that words forms in clouds of dust]

— Yet, better than a snail, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: Oh, you want me to climb that, huh? No problemo. [before Homer can climb it, the ground rumbles and the pyramid grows to several times its original size] [groans] This is 'cause I kicked you, isn't it? [the tortoise nods in assent]

— Stupid poetic justice, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Bart: Lis, check it out. Time for chili. Lisa: [bored] I saw it, Bart. Bart: You're just mad 'cause there's no clock in your hat. Lisa: What hat? Bart: Pff. Ah, this baby's wasted on an idiot like you.

— "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Bart: Where's Homer? Marge: [through clenched teeth] Your father decided he'd rather come home in a taxi. [to herself] Or a police car.

— "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide. Homer: [warily] Hiya. Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn. Homer: If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of you.

— That's more than he usually learns, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Coyote: I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away with a thousand thoughts at once. Homer: Yeah, that's me all right. [Homer has a glazed look in his eyes as the wind blows his two hair strands.]

— Yeah, right, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Coyote: Clarity is the path to inner peace. Homer: Well, what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions? Coyote: [snorts] Are you kidding? If anything, you should get more possessions. You don't even have a computer.

— Inner peace through silicon circuitry, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: You know, I have been meaning to take a spiritual journey, and I would... [the coyote is chewing his pant leg] Hey! Knock it off! [kicks him] Coyote: [sheepishly] Sorry. I _am_ a coyote.

— "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Look, just give me some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with you.

— Homer bargains a cheap price to his inner peace, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: Huh? Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap. Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop. [the pro shop is on top of a giant pyramid, as well] And that talking coyote was really just a talking dog. Dog: Hi, Homer. Find your soulmate. Homer: Hey, wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talking dog! Dog: [barks] Homer: Damn straight!

— Couldn't be more convincing myself, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Bart: ...so then I says to Mabel, I says... [Homer walks in] Homer: Hi, kids! Bart: I'll finish this later. Hi, Dad. Homer: Where's your mother? Lisa: Out back. [Homer walks out] Bart: So anyway, I says to Mabel, I says...

— "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: Oh-ho. I guess you're cranky 'cause I didn't come home last night. Marge: I'm "cranky" because my husband got drunk and humiliated me in front of the entire town. You broke your promise, Homer. Homer: Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world.

— Probably prepared his argument with Lionel Hutz, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: We don't have anything in common. [opens the record cabinet, with "Marge" and "Homer" sections] Look at these records: Jim Nabors, Glen Campbell, the Doodletown Pipers. Now look at _her_ records! They stink!

— Compared to...?, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: I always just figured my wife was my soulmate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking? Man: This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir. Now if you don't want the sofa, I'll have to ask you to leave.

— "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish you any specific harm.

— Moe, on his relationship to Homer, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Hello? Is this... [reads his paper] GBM? Uh, yeah. I read in the personals that you were seeking a soulmate. Well, I also like rainy days and movies. Uh-huh... [apprehensively] Uh, no, I don't like that... Or that... No, it's not that I'm afraid. [very quickly] I'm going to hang up now, bye-bye.

— Homer, unfamiliar with personals, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: Oh, I give up. Coyote: [voiceover] Find your soulmate, Homer. Find your soulmate. Homer: Where? Where? Coyote: This is just your memory. I can't give you any new information.

— Thank you for calling, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: A machine?! Earl's a machine?! [sarcastic] Oh, that's just perfect! Homer's desperate search for a soulmate has yielded a lighthouse-keeping robot. Oh, wow.

— Bad luck, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Bart: Hey look! Is that dad? Lisa: Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.

— You mean he looks like Adam West? "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun.

— Copernicus still has some followers, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

McAllister: Arr, matey. Nary a warning light to be seen. 'Tis clear sailing ahead for our precious cargo. Sailor: Uh, would that be the hot pants, sir? McAllister: Aye, the hot pants.

— Precious to whom, I wonder, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: But how did you find me? Marge: Well, I was sure you'd be on foot, because you always say public transportation is for losers. And I was sure you'd head west, because Springfield slopes down that way. And then, I saw the lighthouse, and I remembered how you love blinking lights. Like the one on the waffle iron. Homer: Or that little guy on the "Don't Walk" sign.

— Nothing like bright, shiny things, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: Wow, Marge, you really do understand me. See, I thought we weren't soulmates because... Marge: ...we had a fight? Homer: Right, and we don't like the same things. It's like you're from Venus... Marge: ...and you're from Mars. Homer: [resentfully] Oh, sure, give me the one with all the monsters.

— Venus Attacks! "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Homer: Oh, Marge! [chanting] We're number one! We're number one! In your face, space coyote! Marge: [sotto voce] Space coyote?

— "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

McAllister: Jonathan Livingston Seagull! We're on a collision course! Hard a-starboard! Sailor: [just checking] Uh, port? McAllister: [quietly] Aye, port.

— "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Wiggum: Look at all them hot pants. Lenny: Hey, who likes short shorts? Crowd: [chanting] We like short shorts!

— Just checking, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer"

Troy: "The Simpsons" began as the brainchild of cartoonist Matt Groening, [screen shows a bald man with an eyepatch saluting in front of a US flag and looking menacing] the already-famous creator of such comics as "Damnation", "Johnny Reb", and "True Murder Stories". [screen shows each] In 1987, Groening teamed up with award-winning producers James L. Brooks [shot of 8F01-esque rich man surrounded by bags of money] and Sam Simon. [shot of Howard Hughes-esque naked man typing in bed] And what better place to premiere their creation than on "The Tracy Ullman Show", the nation's showcase for psychiatrist jokes and musical comedy numbers? On April 19th, 1987, America first met "The Simpsons".

— From humble beginnings, "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Troy: Maybe the drawings were a little crude, but all the characters were there: Itchy & Scratchy, [shot of Itchy showing Scratchy a female cat] Grampa Simpson, [shot of a very crude crayon drawing of Abe] and Krusty the Klown. [shot of another very crude drawing of Krusty] When we return, more classic moments, and, for the first time ever on TV, our private reel of "Simpsons" outtakes, including the alternate endings to "Who Shot Mr. Burns?" [the audience claps as Troy walks offstage] [once there, he sighs and lights a cigarette]

— "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Announcer: In the opening credits, what does the cash register say when Maggie is scanned? The cash register says, "NRA4EVER", just one of the hundreds of radical right-wing messages inserted into every show by creator Matt Groening. Troy: Over the six years "The Simpsons" has been on the air, we've received dozens of letters from fans wanting to know more about the show. Tonight, we'll answer some of your questions. Professor Lawrence Pierce of the University of Chicago writes, "I think Homer gets stupider every year." That's not a question, Professor, but we'll let the viewers judge for themselves.

— No jury in the world would convict him, "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

[screen: "Second season"] Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. Employee: OK, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name? Homer: [pause] I don't know.

— 0:11 from 7F22 ("Blood Feud"): is Home getting stupider?, "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

[screen: "Third season"] Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy. Homer: [sarcastic] Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! [walks out, slams door] [sticks head back in] Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic [slams door] Marge: Well, _duh_.

— 0:22 from 8F08 ("Flaming Moe's"): is Homer getting stupider?, "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

[screen: "Fourth season"] [the theme from "The Flintstones" plays] [a man looks at his watch, and pulls a cord on a whistle] Homer: Yabba dabba doo! [slides down pipe, crashes through window into car] [singing] Simpson, Homer Simpson, He's the greatest guy in history! From the town of Springfield, He's about to hit a chestnut tree. Aah! [smash!]

— 0:29 from 9F10 ("Marge vs. the Monorail"): is Homer getting stupider?, "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

[screen: "Fifth season"] Homer: Hey, guys! Look what I smuggled aboard! [shows a bag of chips] Buzz: Homer, no! [he opens the bag; the chips fly everywhere] Race: They'll clog the instruments! Buzz: [shielding eyes] Careful! They're ruffled! Homer: I'll take care of this... [as the "Blue Danube" plays, Homer floats about, eating chips] [his head approaches the ant colony] Aah! Ants! Ant 1: Protect the queen! Ant 2: Which one's the queen? Ant 3: I'm the queen! Ant 1: No you're not! Homer: Nooo! [his head smashed the colony, and the ants float free] Ant 1: Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom!

— 0:53 from 1F13 ("Deep Space Homer"): is Homer getting stupider?, "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

[screen: "Sixth season"] Homer: "No TV and No Beer Make Homer" something something. Marge: [timid] "Go Crazy"? Homer: Don't mind if I do! [makes lots of silly noises, then chases Marge]

— 0:18 from 2F03 ("Treehouse of Horror V"): is Homer getting stupider?, "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Troy: Dr. Linus Irving of the Sloan-Ketterling Memorial Institute writes, "How does Matt Groening find the time to write and draw an entire `Simpsons' episode every week?" For the answer to this, we went straight to the source. [through a window, a shot of Matt at a desk] Matt: [seeing the camera] Get out of my off --! [picks up a gun, shoots at the camera] Troy: Of course, what Matt _meant_ to say, according to his attorneys, is that he couldn't possibly do it alone. And he insisted that we make time to acknowledge the hard work of everyone who makes "The Simpsons" possible. [very quick shot of lots of names]

— Hey, they took the time, "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Troy: Ambassador Henry Mwabwetumba of the Ivory Coast writes, "What is the real deal with Mr. Burns' assistant Smithers? You know what I'm talking about." Ha ha ha, of course we do. [0:13 from 1F01 ("Rosebud")] Smithers: The preparations for your birthday have begun. Burns: I won't get what I really want. Smithers: No one does... [imagines Mr. Burns, naked, popping out of a cake singing, "Happy Birthday, Mr. Smithers] [0:14 from 8F17 ("Dog of Death")] Smithers: People _like_ dogs, Mr. Burns. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if _I_ came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say? Smithers: [pause] If _you_ did it, Sir? [0:13 from 1F12 ("Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy")] Smithers: Here, I'll print you out a copy. Lisa: Thanks! [Smithers turns on his computer; a bitmapped Mr. Burns appears] Burns: [halting cadence] Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on. Smithers: Um...you probably should ignore that. [0:19 from 9F05 ("Marge Gets a Job")] Burns: [sighs] I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers. You know that dream when you're in bed and they fly in through the window? [Smithers imagines Burns doing just that] Troy: [voiceover] As you can see, the real deal with Waylon Smithers is that he's Mr. Burns' assistant. He's in his early 40s, is unmarried, and currently resides in Springfield. Thanks for writing! We'll be right back.

— "Skirting" the issue, "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Announcer: Which popular "Simpsons" characters have died in the past year? If you said Bleeding Gums Murphy and Dr. Marvin Monroe, you are wrong: they were never popular. Troy: Right about now, you're probably saying, "Troy, I've seen _every_ `Simpsons' episode. You can't show me anything new." [menacing] Well, you got some attitude, Mister. Besides, you're wrong! Because sometimes, episodes run long, and certain scenes never get aired. So fire up your VCR, because here, for the first time ever, are the cut-out classics.

— "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Troy: [voiceover] When Krusty the clown got canceled, he tried everything to stay on the air. Here's what you didn't see. Krusty: Watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me in a variety of sexually explicit positions. [men drag him off] What? Hey! It's not really me: I used a stunt butt! [later, Krusty looks dejected as three men walk up] Man 1: Krusty, we're from the network. Uh, we have some bad news: I'm afraid your show's been canceled. Krusty: Oh, I thought this would happen. I just hope you replace me with something as educational and uplifting as I tried to be. Man 2: Actually, it's a hemorrhoid infomercial starring Claude Akins. Krusty: Can I play hemorrhoid sufferer number one? Ooh! Oh, that hurts! Ow! Oh, is there no relief? Man 1: I don't think so. [they start to walk off] Krusty: How about one of the "after" guys? Aah. Ohh, that's better. I can ride a bike again! Man 1: Sorry.

— Some new footage in 9F19 ("Krusty Gets Kancelled"), "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Troy: [voiceover] When Springfield legalized gambling, Homer became a blackjack dealer -- and comedy was in the cards. Blofeld: 20. Your move, Mr. Bond. Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer gives him a card] Joker! You were supposed to take those out of the deck. Homer: Oh, sorry. Here's another one. Bond: What's this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"? Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond. [Odd Job and Jaws grab Bond and drag him out] Bond: But...but it's Homer's fault! I didn't lose. I never lose! Well, at least tell me the details of your plot for world domination. Blofeld: Ho ho ho, I'm not going to fall for _that_ one again.

— Some new footage in 1F08 ("$pringfield"), "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Troy: [voiceover] Earlier this year, Homer's long-lost mother returned. And so did a long-lost care package. [shot of Homer eating food from old care packages] Homer: Mmm. Mother: Homer, please: you don't have to wolf down that 25- year-old candy just to make me happy. Homer: [pause] But it won't make you unhappy, right? [bites] Hey! Space food sticks! Oh, I wish I had _these_ on my space adventure. Did you know I was blasted into space two years ago, Mom? Mother: Well, sure. I read all about it. It _was_ national news. [fearfully] Do you _still_ work for NASA? Homer: No, I work at the nuclear power plant. Mother: Oh, Homer. Homer: Well, you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard. [quietly] Actually, I'm bringing the plant down from the inside [taps nose secretively]

— Some new footage in 3F06 ("Mother Simpson"), "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Troy: [voiceover] When Homer sold his soul for a donut, he found Hell isn't all it's cracked up to be in these never-before broadcast scenes. [a demon selects Homer's head from several and grips it] [he rolls it down an alley as Homer's head screams] [it hits the spiked pins and breaks open, revealing a note: "IOU one brain, signed God"] [at home, Marge reads the phone book] Marge: Lawyers, lawyers, lawyers...oh! Lionel Hutz. "Cases won in 30 minutes or your pizza's free." Hmm. Bart: I'd sell my soul for a formula one racing car. [Satan Ned appears with a race car] Ned: Heh heh heh, that can be arranged. Bart: Changed my mind. Sorry. [Ned vanishes] Cool! Marge: Bart! Stop pestering Satan. [after the trial] Lizzie: Your Honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul is legally the property of Marge Simpson and not of the devil. Ned: [disappointed] Oh. Kids: Yay! [the legions of Hell disappear] Hutz: [walking around a corner] Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza. Marge: But we _did_ win! Hutz: That's OK: the box is empty.

— Some new footage in 1F04 ("Treehouse of Horror IV"), "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Troy: Apu living with the Simpsons?! It happened. And here's a scene you didn't see. Apu: I'm hoping you enjoy this movie. It made every Indian critic's top 400 list. Woman: [singing] Love love love love love! I'm in love with lovely Johnny. [an Indian man breaks through a window and curses in Hindi at three sitting men] [they all start dancing] Bart: This movie you rented sucks. Homer: No it doesn't, it's funny! Their clothes are different from my clothes. [laughs] Look at what they're wearing! [laughs more]

— Some new footage in 1F10 ("Homer and Apu"), "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Troy: [voiceover] A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr. Burns. In this very special outtake, Homer attempts a reconciliation with his estranged son. Watch. Homer: Bart, you're coming home. Bart: I want to stay here with Mr. Burns. Burns: I suggest you leave immediately. Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead. Do your worst. Burns: "Do my worst", eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons. [a door open and said robot walks out] Simmons: Come on, big boy! Shake that butter off those buns. [a speaker pops out of its head and plays "Shake Your Booty"] Homer: Aah! [runs away] Simmons: Come on, come on, girls! Shake, shake, shake! Burns: Smithers, it's out of control. Smithers: I'll take him out, Sir! [cocks shotgun, blasts it in the head] [the hole closes up a la T2 and the dancing resumes] Simmons: [slowing down] Shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake, shake... Smithers: His ass is going to blow! [they all run in the house] [the robot explodes, its head landing far away]

— Some new footage from 1F16 ("Burns' Heir"), "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Troy: This past summer, all of America was trying to solve the mystery of who shot Mr. Burns. [pause] Then they found out it was the baby. [long pause; coughs] To keep this bombshell secret, the producers animated several solutions that were never intended to air. [scene shows Barney, Tito Puente, Moe, Apu, and SLH each shooting Mr. Burns next to the Simpson car] And to keep the show's animators, editors, staff, and hangers-on from leaking the solution, two completely different endings were produced: one real, one phony. Here's the ending you were never meant to see.

— The rumors laid to rest, "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Burns: The one who shot me was...[camera pans to Smithers] Aah! Aah! Waylon Smithers! Smithers: [pained] Noo! Wait a minute: yes. Burns: With the sun blocker in place and the town aghast, I was on top of the world. So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth. [walks toward parking lot] I feel like celebrating. [sees Maggie] Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about? [she smiles, holding up a lollipop] [gasps] I see. [voiceover] Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby. But with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence. Or so I thought -- but at the last moment, Smithers, drunk as a lemur, lurched out of the darkness and fired. Smithers: [remembering] That's right. Right before I shot Jasper. Hmm, I was busy that night. Burns: [voiceover] Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid, but finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I gave up and collapsed on the sundial. Lisa: Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S: "Waylon Smithers". Marge: Well, I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and that you've recovered and that we can all get back to normal. Burns: Not exactly. Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a 5\% pay cut. Smithers: [howling] Ohh. Troy: But of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence. [laughs] And that would be downright nutty.

— The alternate ending to 2F20 ("Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two"), "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Troy: Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hardcore nudity!

— The credits roll, "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"

Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

— What was the question again?, "The Springfield Files"

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to _speed_ around the city, keeping its _speed_ over fifty. And if its _speed_ dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called... "The bus that couldn't slow down."

— So close, yet so far, Homer, "The Springfield Files"

Mr. Burns: So, another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing, Smithers? Something _gay_, no doubt! Smithers: Wha...? What?! Mr. Burns: You know. Light-hearted, fancy-free. "Mothers, lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town!" [chuckles a bit] Smithers: Exactly, sir! [laughs nervously]

— Gotta be more careful there, Waylon, "The Springfield Files"

Jasper: Thank God it's Wednesday. [eats pills] Mrs. Glick: It's Friday. [eats pills] Japser: Uh-oh, wrong pills. [hair grows all over his body] Uh... Little help?

— God bless today's medicine, "The Springfield Files"

Milhouse: [feeding quarters] 38... 39... 40 quarters. This better be good. [presses start, walks two steps] Game: Game Over. Please deposit 40 quarters. Milhouse: What a rip! [hesitates a second, then deposits more quarters]

— I bet he's seen the movie 32 times, "The Springfield Files"

Marge: [sees SLH chewing on a chair] Bad dog! [sees Snowball scratching up the couch] Bad cat! [sees a fawn licking something] Bad fawn! [looks puzzled]

— Bad moose, and squirrel, and elephant and three-toed sloth..., "The Springfield Files"

Lisa: All right! It's time for ABC's "TGIF" lineup! Bart: Lis, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday is just another day between NBC's "Must See Thursday" and CBS' " Saturday night craporama."

— And Fox Sunday nights fit in where?, "The Springfield Files"

Homer: Hmm... Bold, refreshing, and something I can't quite put my finger on. [at the Red Tick Beer brewery, dogs are swimming in the tank] Man: [takes a sip] Hmm... Needs more dog.

— Homer tries Red Tick Beer, "The Springfield Files"

Well, it's 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

— Homer sets the new standard for family togetherness, "The Springfield Files"

Grampa: Oh son, I'm glad to see you! I went for the morning paper and I got lost! And... Homer: No time for you, old man! [pushes Grampa aside]

— Don't interrupt a man in the middle of a cowardice panic, "The Springfield Files"

Homer: Please! Don't hurt me! Alien: [gentle voice] Don't be afraid. Homer: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! [begins running through the field of grass, creating a handwritten writing of "Yahhh!" in the grass]

— Your typical alien encounter, "The Springfield Files"

Marge: Homer, it's 2 am. What happened? Homer: It was an alien, Marge! It appeared in front of me and said "Don't be Afraid." Marge: [waving her hand in front her nose] Have you been drinking? Homer: No! Well, ten beers.

— Ticks'll do that to you, "The Springfield Files"

Homer: I'm telling you, I saw a creature from another planet. Lisa: Maybe you just dreamed it. Homer: Oh yeah? Well, when I came to, I was covered with a sticky, translucent goo. Explain that! Marge: [serves him] More sausage? [Homer starts drooling]

— Occam's Razor to its gruesomest, "The Springfield Files"

Lisa: Dad, according to "Junior Skeptic Magazine," the chances are 175 million to one of another form of life actually coming in contact with ours. Homer: So? Lisa: It's just that the people who claim they've seen aliens are always pathetic low-lifes with boring jobs. Oh, and you, Dad. [nervous laugh]

— Once a skeptic, always a skeptic, "The Springfield Files"

Homer: [gasps, then realizes] Oh, it's Bart. I can't believe it. I'm being mocked. By my own children. On my birthday. Bart: It's your birthday? Homer: Yes! Remember, it's the same day as the dog's. Lisa: Santa's Little Helper, it's your birthday? Ooh! We've gotta get you a present. [cuddling him] Yes we do! Yes we do! Bart: [cuddling him] We love you boy. Marge: [cuddling him] Good doggie. Good doggie. [Maggie joins in, leaving Homer alone at the table] Homer: Lousy loveable dog.

— Yet with an untwistable stomach, "The Springfield Files"

Oh, it was awful! They set me on a cold, metal table. Then prodded me with humiliating probes, and then... Oh wait, that was my physical.

— From `The X Files' to `General Hospital', "The Springfield Files"

Homer: The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice... like Urkel! And he appears every Friday night... like Urkel! Wiggum: Well, your story is _very_ compelling, Mr. Jackass, I mean, uh, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter! [Wiggum raises his arms and starts typing on air in sarcasm] [starts humming] Homer: You don't have to humiliate me. [Homer walks off, and another man walks in, wearing slightly burned clothes and playing compulsively with a lighter] Man: I just torched a building downtown, and I'm afraid I'll do it again! Wiggum: Oh, yeah, right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter! [goes through the same sarcastic routine] Fruitcake!

— Why _do_ you wear that badge, anyway? "The Springfield Files"

Mulder: There's been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the Heartland of America. We've gotta get there right away. Scully: Well... gee, Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight. Mulder: [scoffs] I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.

— That's for overpaid, obese policemen with invisible typewriters, "The Springfield Files"

Oh, this makes me very angry!

— Marvin, the clicheic, Martian, "The Springfield Files"

Scully: Now, we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand? Homer: Yes. [the polygraph explodes]

— It worked, all right, "The Springfield Files"

Mulder: Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test? Scully: No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight. Mulder: His jiggling is almost hypnotic. Scully: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

— "The Springfield Files"

Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien. Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the F.B.I. Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?

— "The Springfield Files"

_You_ are one fine looking woman, lady. If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like _that_! [hits his bottle on the bar; beer bubbles and spills out the bottle] I am _so_ sorry! Whatever you do, don't tell Marge! God, I love her! I... hey! A penny! [leaps into the floor]

— Homer recreates his every move (and bottle), "The Springfield Files"

So, I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.

— Homer's answers to life's greatest mysteries, "The Springfield Files"

Grampa: For the love of god, help me! I've been here for four days and that turtle's got all of my teeth! [looking down] There he is! [the turtle walks away, holding the oversized denture] Grampa: [running as slowly as the turtle] Come back here, you! Slow down! I'll get you! Scully: This is the worst assignment we've ever had. Mulder: Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus? Grampa: [gets bitten by the turtle] Oww! It bit me with my own teeth! Scully: No, this is much more irritating.

— "The Springfield Files"

But somewhere out there, something is watching us. There are alien forces acting in ways we can't perceive. Are we alone in the universe? Impossible. When you consider the wonders that exist all around us... [it's nighttime now, and everyone's left Mulder alone in the park] ...voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia, the unsolved mysteries of -- "Unsolved Mysteries." The truth is out there.

— Mulder, as skeptic as we know him, "The Springfield Files"

Oh, who thought a whale could be so heavy?! [sees Mulder] Cheese it! The feds!

— Moe, "The Springfield Files"

Homer: Oh Marge, I never felt so alone. No one believes me. [pause] Uh, this is the part where you're suppose to say "I Believe You, Homer"? Marge: I don't believe you, Homer. Homer: You do?? Oh, Marge, you've made me so happy! Marge: Hmm, you're not listening. You're only hearing what you wanna hear. Homer: Thanks! I'd love an omelette right about now.

— "The Springfield Files"

Marge: I try to be supportive, but this has gone too far! Please, just let it be? Homer: No, I can't. This is my cause. I'm like the man who singlehandedly built the rocket and went to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?

— How long before he cries `Adrienne!', "The Springfield Files"

Bart: Hey, Dad. What's the word with Planet Crackpot? Homer: Oh, I suppose _you're_ going to mock me, too! Bart: Well, actually, Dad... I believe you. Homer: You do? Bart: Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure. Homer: Thank you, son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing? Bart: Hell yes. Homer: That's my boy.

— Darn right, "The Springfield Files"

Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien! Bart: What if we don't? Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network. Bart: [chuckles] They'll buy _anything_. Homer: Now, son, they do a lot of quality programming, too. [the two bust up laughing] I kill me.

— Make sure there's no wristwatch this time, "The Springfield Files"

Bart: Hey, Dad, can I have a sip of your beer? Homer: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.

— "The Springfield Files"

Alien: I bring you peace. Homer: As a representative of the planet Earth, let me just say [gets his foot in the camp fire] Baaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaagh! [tries to beat out the fire] Oww!! Oww!!

— And we really mean it, "The Springfield Files"

Nimoy: And so, from this simple man came the proof that we are not alone in the universe. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night. Teenager: [off-camera] Uh, Mr. Nimoy, we have ten minutes left. Nimoy: Oh. Uh, fine. Let me, uh, just get something out of my car. [runs off] [starts his car and drives off] Teenager: I don't think he's coming back.

— You're quick, "The Springfield Files"

Kent: Tonight, on Eyewitness News: a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up. Man: Do Sonny and Cher still have that _stupid_ show? Kent: No, uh, she won an Oscar, and he's a Congressman. Man: Good night! [turns over and dies]

— The right choice, "The Springfield Files"

But first, E.T., phone Homer -- Simpson, that is. Local man, Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost, has given us this videotape.

— Those damn file photos..., "The Springfield Files"

The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture the past two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 news team will be there, except for Bill, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow. [boom mic falls and hits Kent in the head] Very unprofessional, Bill.

— The sorrows of the underappreciated boom mic operator, "The Springfield Files"

Hibbert: Is the alien carbon-based, or silicone-based? Homer: Uhhh... the second one. Zillifone. Next question? Barney: [drunk] Is the alien Santa Claus? Homer: Uh... yes! Ned: Uh, where you on my roof last night stealing my weather vane? Homer: This interview is over! [goes in, slams the door] [said weather vane falls on the "Welcome" mat]

— And your tabletray, and camping equipment and camcorder..., "The Springfield Files"

I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. He came in peace, and then died, only to come back to life. And his name was... E.T., the extraterrestrial. [sniffs] I love that little guy.

— Lovejoy reads from Spielberg's bible, "The Springfield Files"

Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here? Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near. Bart: [flippantly] Uh-huh. Man: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog? Nimoy: Surprise me. [the hot dog man hesitates, then puts a whole batch of what appears to be lettuce on top]

— The surprise is what comes after you eat the hot dog, "The Springfield Files"

Homer: Marge, how could you?? Marge: These shirts are a hundred percent cotton. And look at the fine stitching on "dope". Homer: I'll take two.

— Proving the shirts' point, "The Springfield Files"

Alien: I bring you love! Hibbert: [smoking a cigar] Is that the love between a man and a woman or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar? [chuckles] Alien: Uh... I bring you love! Lenny: It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Carl: Break its legs!

— Love, the harbinger of destruction, "The Springfield Files"

Burns: Hello, children! I bring you love! Willy: Aah! It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it! Smithers: It's not a monster! It's Mr. Burns! WIlly: [tender] Aw, it's Mr. Burns. [raging] Kill it! Kill it!

— What's the difference?, "The Springfield Files"

Don't worry. You won't feel a thing. [exhibiting a swirling mechanical device] Till I jam this down your throat!

— Nick Riviera, "The Springfield Files"

The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.

— Nick Riviera, "The Springfield Files"

Bart: But, what's with the glowing? Burns: Um, I'll field that question. A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow. [to himself] And left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love. I bring you fear, famine, pestilence and... Nick: [shooting Burns with a needle of painkiller] Time for a booster! [Burns reverts back to his alien-like state] Burns: [singing] Good morning, starshine. The Earth says hello.

And so concludes our tale. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night, and keep watching the skis. Uh, skies.

— Our favorite pimple-faced teenager of all, "The Springfield Files"

Announcer: It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic! Krusty: Hey, hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater, and... [notices the letters behind him] K-K-K? That's not good...

— "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Now I'd like to introduce a new feature never before seen on T.V. -- Dumb Pet Tricks!

— Krusty steals another bit, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Krusty: Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball. [throws the ball] [the dog, of course, goes for Krusty's clown nose] Ow! Somebody shoot it! Somebody shoot it!

— "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Grampa: [dials the remote] Hello?? Hello?? Stupid cordless phone! I'll try the old fashioned model. [speaks into an iron] Ahh, that's better. How ya doin', Gertie?

— Any faxes on the waffle iron?, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Krusty: And now, our parody of "Mad About You" entitled "Mad About _Shoe_." [Krusty lies in a bed with a giant piece of footwear] Give me a kiss, baby. No tongue! [audience members boo and throw things] Urgh. You're not going to like our "NYPD Shoe" sketch. It's pretty much the same thing.

— Except we see him nude, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Bart: Ma, could you get me some milk? Marge: [feeding Maggie] Can't you get it yourself? Bart: No, that's okay. I'll just go without liquid. [acts as if he desperately needs something to drink] Marge: Oh, all right, all right! I'll get your milk. [goes into the kitchen] Bart: Thank you. Marge: [from the kitchen] Does anyone else want anything while I'm up? All: No. [Marge returns with Bart's glass of milk] Homer: Marge, get me a beer. Marge: Oooh!

— Now who didn't see _that_ coming?, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Lisa: Uh, Mom? Marge: [annoyed] What?! Lisa: Um, there's a hair in my soup. But I'll just eat around it. Marge: What kind of hair? Lisa: Well, it's blue. [produces it] Six feet long. Homer+Bart: Eww!

— I wonder whose it is?, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her -- during the commercial.

— Homer, always the supportive husband, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Krusty: Now, let's hear it for a great American. Former President Gerald Ford. Ford: Thank you, Krusty, for inviting me. Krusty: Well, all the good presidents turned us down. Ford: Oh. Well, I'd like to talk about a subject that is very important to me. [Krusty makes faces in the background as Ford continues speaking] The Boy Scouts of America have molded men for over a hundred years and... [Ford notices Krusty's antics] What are you... Krusty: Uh, how's your wife, Nancy? Ford: Betty. Krusty: Who cares?

— The Nancy Ford Clinic?, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Oh, Marge, I just had a couple of beers.

— From Romeo to Homer, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Homer: Marge, I was just watching women's volleyball on ESPN. [Marge murmurs appreciatively] Come on, there's no need for that Babamabushka.

— "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Homer: Now, sweetie, don't worry about a thing. I'll teach you to comb it over so no one can tell. Just like my hair! [Marge imagines herself with a Homer-esque comb-over, and breaks into sobs]

— A fate worse than death?, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Hibbert: Mrs. Simpson, there's no physical reason why your hair should be falling out. This thing has me buffaloed. [chuckles] Nurse: Phone call, Mrs. Simpson. Lines one and two. Bart: [line one] Ma, I need a glass of milk. Lisa: [line two] Me, too. [as Marge grunts, a bit of her hair falls out] Hibbert: I think the problem may be stress.

— Well, duh, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Lisa: I'll stop buying Malibu Stacey clothing. Bart: And I'll take up smoking and give that up. Homer: Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar. [gives a dollar bill to Bart] Lisa: But he didn't do anything! Homer: Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he?

— "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Homer: All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War re-creation society I love so much. [at Moe's, everyone, including Moe, is dressed like 1800s military generals] Moe: [hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside. Barney: [dressed like Lincoln] But I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson. [Apu emerges from the Men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] Apu: The south shall [brightly] come again!

— At least they aren't using monkeys, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Pennyfeather: Hello, I'm Mrs. Pennyfeather. I understand you are looking for a nanny. Marge: Pleased to meet you. Homer: Wait a minute, Marge. I saw "Mrs. Doubtfire." This is a man in drag! [starts pulling at her hair as if it were a wig] You're phony! Fakey, phony broad! [runs after her] Gimme those! Marge: Homer, if you're going to do that to every applicant, we're never going to find one. Homer: Sorry. Periwinkle: Hello, I'm Mrs. Periwinkle. [Homer growls and jumps after her]

— NARW: Nannies Against Robin Williams, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Kearney: I'm here about the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids and if they get out of line [smacks fist in palm] -- Pow! Homer: I like him. Kearney: Thanks. Hey, where do you keep the liquor? Homer: I hide a bottle of schnapps in the baby's crib. Marge: I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for. Kearney: [sotto voce] You're tellin' me, you blue-haired witch. Marge: I heard that!

— "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Marge: I guess we're not going to find anyone. Lisa: We have our own suggestions for the new nanny. Would you like to hear them? Homer: You have my undivided attention. [Meanwhile, in Homer's brain, goofy animals dance to "Turkey in the Straw."]

— "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Shary: Hello, I'm Shary Bobbins. Homer: Did you say Mary Po... Shary: No, I definitely did not. I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse, or Monald Muck.

— Trademarks of the Diz-Nee corporation, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Shary: Now, as your nanny, I'll do everything from telling stories to changing diapers. Grampa: Put me down for one of each.

— Eww, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Homer: Question two. Who was your last employer? Shary: Lord and Lady Huffington of Sussex. Homer: [whispering] Marge, do we know them? Marge: No. Homer: Come on! Isn't he the guy I bowl with? The black guy. Marge: That's Carl. Homer: Oh yeah! [back to Shary] So! You worked for Carl, eh?

— "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Bart: Pop quiz, hotshot. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but you find me upstairs reading a Playdude. What do you do? What DO you do? Shary: I make you read every article in that magazine, including Norman Mailer's latest clap-trap about his waning libido. Homer: Ooh. She is tough.

— "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Marge: My, she seems too good to be true. Homer: I'll say. Her butt waxed the banister. Marge: Ooh, I can see myself!

— Now that's shiny!, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"

Shary: Hello, Willie. Lisa: You know her? Willie: Aye. Shary Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her Shary: It's good to see you, Willie. Willie: [angry] That's not what you said the first time you saw me!

— It was more along the lines of "Oh my god!", "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious"