Movie Trivia

Burns: [looking up from his magazine] Smithers, what's the meaning of this slacking off? Smithers: Uh, there's a bee in my eye, sir. Burns: And? Smithers: I, I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. Burns: But we're running out of forward momentum. Smithers: Uh, perhaps you could pedal for just a little while, sir? Burns: Quite impossible. I could try to bat him off if you like. [tries, feebly] Smithers: Uh, really, that's o-- [the bee stings Smithers, who slumps over the handlebars] Burns: Holy cats, man! We're starting to wobble. Smithers: [heavily slurred] Get ... me ... to ... a ... hospital ... you ... have ... to ... pedal. Burns: Oh, Tuttle's Sunday trousers. Fear not, I'll get you to a hospital -- the only way I know how. Smithers, you infernal ninny, stick your left hoof on that flange, now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad! Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!

— Burns and Smithers bikercise, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Smithers: [collapsed] Help... me. Riviera: Holy smokes, you need booze. [tosses him change]

— Don't worry, he'll be back, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Riviera: Hi, everybody! Board: [unenthused] Hi, Dr. Nick.

— At a malpractice board hearing, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. [reads from clipboard] Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant. Riviera: But I cleaned them with my napkin. Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers. Riviera: I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.

— "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Moe: Say, Barn, uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab? Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah, you had a good laugh, Moe. Moe: The results came back today.

— At Moe's Tavern, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Moe: [reading a printout] You owe me seventy billion dollars. Barney: Huh? Moe: No, wait, wait, wait, that's for the Voyager spacecraft.

— Moe got NASA to calculate Barney's tab, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Chalmers: Seymour! Skinner: Superintendent; I was just, uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me? Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Skinner: Uh, oh, that isn't smoke, it's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. [rubs stomach] Mmm -- steamed clams.

— Skinner and the Superintendent, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers. Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams. Skinner: Oh, no, I said, "steamed hams." That's what I call hamburgers. Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams. Skinner: Yes, it's a regional dialect. Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region? Skinner: Uh, upstate New York. Chalmers: Really. Well, I'm from Utica and I never heard anyone use the phrase, "steamed hams." Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no; it's an Albany expression. Chalmers: I see.

— Skinner and the Superintendent, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones the have at Krusty Burger. Skinner: [laughs] Oh, no, patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe. Chalmers: For steamed hams. Skinner: Yes. Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled. [shows Skinner the grill marks] Skinner: Uh ... you know ... one thing I sh-- ... 'scuse me for one second. Chalmers: Of course.

— Skinner and the Superintendent, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Skinner: [faking a yawn] Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped. Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- [notes entire kitchen is on fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there? Skinner: Aurora Borealis? Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? A this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen? Skinner: Yes. Chalmers: May I see it? Skinner: Oh, erm... No.

— Skinner and Superintendent, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Agnes: [offscreen] Seymour! The house is on fire! Skinner: No, mother. It's just the Northern Lights. Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. [Chalmers walks off. He looks back at Skinner, who flashes him the "thumbs-up" sign] Agnes: Help! Help!

— Skinner and the Superintendent, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Lou: You know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday night -- Wiggum: [interrupting] The McWhat? Lou: Uh, the McDonald's. I, I never heard of it either, but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Eddie: Must've sprung up overnight.

— Ignorance is bliss, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Lou: You know, the funniest thing though; it's the little differences. Wiggum: Example. Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Wiggum: Get out! Well, what do they call it? Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese. Wiggum: Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh, do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages? Lou: Mm-hm. They call 'em, "shakes." Eddie: Huh, shakes. You don't know what you're gettin'.

— Don't think you want to know, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Ay, que dia miserable a trabajo.

— Pedro the Bumblebee Man, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Pedro: Ah, tiempo para relaxar en paz y quieto. [opens a cabinet full of oranges which wallop his head] !Ay, naranjas en la cabeza! [flails about in his home until he finds himself stuck on a chandelier] !Ay, una candelabra precariosa! [the chandelier is pulled free of the ceiling; bringing the ceiling down with it] Emma: [walking down and seeing the disaster] !Ay! Mira que cosa tan terrible, yo no puedo entender algo como esto, como puedo vivir con un hombre tan irresponsible. !No, no, no, no no! [walks off, handing Pedro a divorce paper]

— "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Ay, ?donde esta mi tequila?

— Pedro the Bumblebee Man, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Hey, hey, wait up! We gotta swap insurance info!

— Chief Wiggum after a car crash, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Lovejoy: C'mon boy, this is the spot, right here. That's a good boy, do your dirty sinful business. Ned: Well, howdy, Reverend Lovejoy. Nice to see you there ... on my lawn ... with your dog. Lovejoy: Oh, oh, ooh, bad dog! Look at that, right on Ned's lawn. Now how could you do such a thing? [quietly to the dog] Good boy, don't stop now. Bad dog, I condemn you to Hell. Ned: Better get the old snow shovel back from Homer, eh? [leaves] Lovejoy: [to dog] Good boy, don't stop the music.

— Revenge is a dish best served... um, hot, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Ned: [notes Marge squeezing a grapefruit] Marge Simpson! Still making juice the old-fashioned way? [actually, Marge is squeezing it on Lisa's hair] Lisa: No, I've got gum in my hair. Marge: Oh, we've tried everything: olive oil, lemon juice, tartar sauce, chocolate syrup, gravy, bacon fat, hummus and baba ganoush. Lisa: My scalp hurts from horsefly bites. Ned: Why don't you freeze it with an ice cube, and hit it with a hammer? Works for me when I get bubbly-gum in the old push- broom.

— The Eternal Question of Gum in One's Hair, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Hey, what's going on on this side?

— Cletus pokes his head through a TV cue card, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Cletus: Hey, Brandine! You might could wear these to your job interview. Brandine: And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? Naw, you best bring 'em back from where you got 'em.

— Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

[on top of a telephone pole] Cletus: Hey you know what? I could call my ma while I'm up here. [yelling] Hey, maw! Get off the dang roof!

— Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

I finally look like a real person!

— Lisa, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield" (meta-humor alert)

Wadlow: [lifts Nelson out of the sewer by his head] Do you find something comical about my appearance when I'm driving my automobile? Nelson: Yeah. Wadlow: Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall. [turns Nelson to face the car] This was the largest auto that I could afford. Am I therefore to be made the subject of fun? Nelson: I guess so.

— Nelson, unclear on the concept, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Wadlow: Hey, everybody! Look at this -- it's that boy who laughs at everyone. [Nelson] Let's laugh at him! Crowd: HA-ha!

— Stupid poetic justice, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Abe: [spits] Bart: Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home, but I have to work with these people. Abe: Oh, jabberjack. Schoolhouse don't put up spittoons, I ain't responsible. [spits]

— A serious lack in our educational system, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

All right, seniors, we'd all love to share in your wisdom, experience, yadda yadda yadda.

— Mrs. Krabappel shows her deepest interest, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Mrs.K: Let's start with Milhouse's grandfather. Van Houten: Uh, how many of you have a house? [children raise their hands] Van Houten: All right, now how many of you drove your house to school today? [children raise their hands again, then wake up] Children: Huh? Van Houten: Well, I did. [chuckles] No, I'm not Superman; I just own an RV. Me and the new wife travel the country searching for adventure. Last fall, we won a chili cook-off in Beaumont, Texas. Children: Wow!

— More excitement than any videogame, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Muntz: [chuckles] No, I'm not Superman; I'm a judge. Why, just this morning I sentenced my 46th man to death. Oh... no, 47th. Nelson: Wow, 47! I love you Grandpa.

— I reached him, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Yeah... well, I may not have a fancy black bathrobe and a hammer like Snooty, but I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon. Look!

— Abe vs. Judge Muntz, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" 'cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles... [children laughing] Martin: "Dickety"? Highly dubious! Abe: What're you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem! [children laughing] Abe: Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet. Mrs.K: "Terlet"? Hah! [children laughing] Abe: Stop your snickerin'! I spent three years on that terlet!

— Well, duh, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Bart: And then, he claimed he was the one who turned cats and dogs against each other. Why is he always making up those crazy stories? Homer: Maybe it's time we put Grampa in a home. Lisa: You already put him in a home. Bart: Maybe it's time we put him in one where he can't get out.

— What about cryogenics?, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Lisa: Old people deserve our respect. Look at Jacques Cousteau and Goldie Hawn; you wouldn't shut them away like second-class citizens. Homer: Pftt... second class? What about social security, bus discounts, Medic-Alert jewelry, Gold Bond powder, pants all the way up to your armpits, and all those other senior perks? Oh, if you ask me, old folks have it pretty sweet.

— "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

"Consider burial at... Sea World!"

— "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Eh, this junk was hardly worth getting up for. Maybe if I go back to sleep for a few days some <good> mail will build up.

— "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Asa Phelps spent his entire life in Springfield, except for four years' service in WWII and one high school day-trip. He worked at the United Strut and Bracing Works as a molder's boy, until he was replaced by a Molder-Matic, and died.

— Eulogy of Asa Phelps as spoken by Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Burns: There, Simpson: seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine. Abe: Over my dead body, it will!

— Unclear on the concept, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Burns: Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself? [Abe's pants go down with a "boing"] Abe: How long was that?

— About three seconds, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Let's see... Mesmerists, Dowsers, Luddites, Alienists, Zoroastrians, Alphabetizers... A-ha! Assassins...

— Monty Burns' Rolodex, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Vidal: Hola? Burns: Fernando, it's M.B. Vidal: Ah, Marion Barry. Is it time for another shipment already?

— Old friends die hard, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

[Abe's poison teeth lie on the floor as he runs with a clock in his mouth] Vidal: Ah, he's more clever than he looks...

— Or sound, or our best testing indicates, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Nurse: Abraham Simpson, your family is here to visit you. Abe: Hot diggity, my family's come to visit me! [runs down the hall] Wait a minute... My family never comes to vi... Whoa! [a knife flies at his head] Vidal: [disguised as Homer] D'oh! Not again! Burns: [disguised as Marge] I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery. Smithers: [disguised as Bart] I'll be in the car, dudes.

— Just like the real thing, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Vidal: There is one more way to kill a man, but it is as intricate and precise as a well-played game of chess. [bursts into Retirement Castle with a machine gun and shoots away]

— Versus Lloyd Christmas, maybe, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Was that me or was that you?

— Jasper after someone shoots a gun, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me! Nurse: Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication.

— That will help a bit, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

[Vidal comes in, shoots everywhere] Nurse: [loads shotgun] [shoots] Our residents [shoots] are trying [shoots] to nap! [shoots]

— Should've phoned ahead, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: [pounding on the door] Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet merciful McGillicuddy, you gotta open the door! Homer: Who is it? Marge: It's Grampa. And it sounds like he's gotten into the horseradish again.

— Mmm... horseradish, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: And then, a knife flew at my head. And [points to Homer] you were there, and [points to Homer] <you> were there... Lisa: Uh, Grampa, maybe I should moisten your washcloth. Abe: It's plenty moist!

— Perhaps medication <was> the answer, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Marge: Where are we going to put him? Homer: Bart's room. Lisa: Bart's room. Marge: Bart's room. Bart: Dumpster.

— I'll go with the family, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: Sorry to crowd you boy, but I'll let you in on a secret. Burns is after me 'cause he wants the Hellfish bonanza. Bart: Look, if you're gonna stay in my room, could you at least stop making up gibberish? Abe: Gibberish, eh? Then, what's <this>? [lifts his sleeve, revealing a tattoo] Bart: Wrinkly gibberish?

— He's got an answer for everything, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

I got this in the second World War II...

— Abe shows off his Hellfish tattoo, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Back then, I was known as Sgt. Simpson, and I commanded the Flying Hellfish, the fightingest squad in the fightingest company in the third-fightingest battalion in the army.

— Abe starts his story, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Duh, hey! You said you was dead!

— Ox carries Burns out on a litter, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Bart: Mm-hmm. You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town. How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private? Abe: Well... he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover. We got stuck with him.

— That's an onion in the ointment, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Heh heh heh. Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler.

— Sergeant Simpson about to change history, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Boom! Boom, it went! Boom! Just like that! They took a photo of my keister for Stars and Stripes. At least they told me it was for Stars and Stripes.

— Abraham J. Simpson, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Sgt.: Just leave [the paintings], Burnsie. Burns: Leave them for whom, the Germans, the folks who shoot at us all day? Let's just take them. We'll all be rich, rich as Nazis.

— Wow, Nazis, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Etch: Think of what a guy could get himself with that kind of scratch! Skinner: Yeah, I could buy chicken dinners three times a day! Wiggum: I could buy a brand-new studebaker, one with a fan on the dashboard! Gumble: I could pay my way into high- [belches] society! Sgt.: Well, I don't feel right about it, but I could use a nest egg for retirement. I'd hate to wind up in one of them old folks homes...

— WWII paintings are found, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Burns: Then it's agreed. Of course, we can't sell the paintings now, we'd be caught. How many of you are familiar with the concept of a "tontine"? [all stare at him, until Ox raises his hand] Burns: All right, Ox. Why don't you take us through it? Ox: Duh, essentially, we all enter into a contract whereby the last surviving participant becomes the sole possessor of all them purty pictures. Burns: Well put, Oxford.

— His name comes with a dual meaning, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: So, we sealed up the paintings knowing only one of us would ever look upon them again. Ox was the first to go; he got a hernia carrying the crate out of the castle. Five more men died in the Veteran's Day float disaster of '79. Now, with Asa gone, it's down to me and Burns. Bart: Great story Grampa, could've used a vampire though. 'Night.

— Some captivated audience, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: [yells] Don't kill me! Burns: I've tried to meet you halfway on this, Simpson, but you had to be little Johnny Live-a-lot. Now, give me your key to the Hellfish bonanza. Bart: Oh, wow! There really <is> a treasure! Whatever you do, don't give him the key, Grampa. Abe: Here's the key. Bart: Aw... figures.

— "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Bart: Hey, Mr. Burns! Can I go with you to get the treasure? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong. Burns: Oh, you're a good boy, but the child labor people have been watching me like a hawk.

— Even though they crashed on my property, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Burns: Well, I'm off to get paintings; as they say, time is "Monets". As you were, Sergeant. [laughs] [pushes the wrong button on his crane, and ends up through another wall] Burns: Oh, terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl. Lisa: Santa?

— Or was it Maggie now, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: Ah, I guess Burns is finally gonna be rich. Bart: Not without the keys, he isn't! [shows Abe the two keys] [long pause] Abe: Hey, you got the keys!

— Delayed reaction, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Bart: Now we can get the treasure! Abe: Oh, what's the use. Burns would still find some way to take it from me. Bart: I can't believe you, Grampa. The sergeant in that story you told would never be scared of a dork like Burns. You gotta get that treasure, you gotta do it for Ox, and Asa, and Griff, and Burnsie... Well, not so much Burnsie.

— What about the children?, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: You really think I can do it? Bart: [unconvincing] Uh, yes...

— I'm so glad you believe in me, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Homer: Where are you two going at this hour? Bart: On a treasure hunt. Homer: Oh! Can I come? Abe: Only if you're ready to stare danger in the face, put your manhood to the ultimate test, and take... Homer: Pass.

— I'll miss Sherrif Lobo, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Bart: Hey, Grampa, do you think that dead bodies get up and walk around at night? Abe: If they're anything like me, they have to get up twice.

— "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

I know I'm bending the rules tonight, but I also know none of you wants that skunk Burns to take our treasure. And I want you to know that when I die, you're all welcome to visit me in rich men's heaven.

— Grampa, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: Boy, you borrow us some diving equipment while I borrow this boat. [starts sawing the anchor] Ned: [on the boat] Well, howdy-doodily, stranger! Couldn't help but notice you're stealing my boat. Abe: I'll bring it back. Ned: You ever operated a powerboat? Abe: No. Ned: Know anything about water safety? Abe: No! Ned: What do you need it for? Abe: It's a secret. Ned: Hoo-hoo, sounds spine-tingling-dingling! Just promise you'll have a good time. [hands him the keys] Ned: Maude, boys, come on up! We're gonna have a little camp out in the dingy! Maude & Kids: Yay!

— Stealing ain't like it used to be anymore, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: Now, remember the plan, boy. If you run out of air, tug on the rope... Bart: 64 times, no more, no less. Got it. Abe: No no! <63> times if you're out of air; <64> is if you found the treasure!

— It's all by the numbers, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Bart: Hey, Grampa, do you thing I could've been a Flying Hellfish? Abe: You're a gutsy daredevil with a give-em-hell attitude and a fourth-grade education. You could've made sergeant.

— "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: 61... 62... 63... Oh no! 63! He's out of air! I've sent my only grandson to a watery gra... 64! He's found the treasure! I'm rich!

— A wide range of emotions, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Bart: You coward! You're an embarrassment to the name Hellfish. Burns: Oh, am I? [aims his gun at Bart] Abe: No! Look, take the art if you want, just don't hurt the boy. Burns: Hmm... I'd rather do both. [kicks Bart in the crate, which tilts over and falls in the sea] Burns: So long, Sarge. See you at the reunion in November.

— A one-man party, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Bart: I'm sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa. Abe: Oh, the fortune doesn't matter, boy; the important thing is you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!

— One-track mind, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Smithers: They're gaining on us, sir. We'll have to jettison something. [Burns stares at him] It's been an honor to serve you, sir. [jumps off]

— "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Burns: Don't kill me... Abe: I ain't gonna kill ya, that'd be cowardly; Monty Burns cowardly. I just want to watch you squirm. Burns: Yes sir. [squirms] Is this to your liking?

— That's a good boy, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Now, Burnsie, there's one thing we don't stand for in the Hellfish, and that's trying to kill your commanding officer.

— The fundamental rule of any squad, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Agent: Baron von Wortzenberger, on behalf of the American people, I apologize for... Baron: Ja ja ja, mach schnell mit der art things, huh? I must get back to Dancecentrum in Struttgart in time to see Kraftwerk. [the agent is storing the paintings in the trunk] Baron: Hey, und dummkopf! Watch out for the CD-changer in my trunk, eh? Idiot. [hops in the car, turns on the radio and drives away] Abe: I guess he deserves it more than I do.

— "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: Well, at least I got to show you I wasn't always a pathetic old kook... Bart: You never were, Grampa. Abe: Oh... I'd hug ya, but I know you'd just get embarrassed. Bart: I won't get embarrassed; I don't care who knows I love my Grampa. [both hug] Baron: Hey, fun boys, get a room!

— A baron could hold sway, "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

This is Kent Brockman with a special report from the Channel 6 News Copter. A large, bear-like animal, most likely a bear, has wandered down from the hill in search of food or perhaps employment.

— Perhaps on `Gentle Ben', "Much Apu About Nothing"

Homer: Let's all calm down. Everyone's going to be just fine, as long as I have enough beer. [opens the refrigerator only to find boxes of baking soda] [screams] All right, that does it. If I'm going to be trapped in the house, I gotta go out and get some beer.

— Bear problems in Springfield, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Book 'em Lou. One count of being a bear. And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.

— Chief Wiggum arrests a bear and Barney, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Maude: Oh, Marge... it was horrible! We were trapped in the house all afternoon... and, well... we had to drink _toilet_ water! [sobs] Marge: Well, things were bad everywhere. Homer: I'm sick of these constant bear attacks. It's like a frickin' country bear jambaroo around here!

— Or jamboree even, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Homer: We're here, we're queer, we don't want anymore bears. Crowd: We're here, we're queer, we don't want anymore bears. Lenny: Hey, that's a pretty catchy chant. Where did you hear it? Homer: Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year.

— "Much Apu About Nothing"

Assistant: Sir, there's an unruly mob here to see you. Quimby: Does it have an appointment? Assistant: [consults clipboard] Yes, it does. Skinner: I phoned ahead!

— Never can be too prepared, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Homer: Mr. Mayor, I hate to break it to you, but this town is infested by bears. Moe: Yeah, and these ones are smarter than the average bear. They swiped my pic-a-nic basket. Helen: [frantic] Think of the children! Quimby: All right, I promise to take swift and decisive action against these hibernating hucksters. [crowd cheers and leaves] [Quimby pulls out a picnic basket] Heh heh heh... [eats a sandwich]

— Diamond Joe Yogi?, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm. Lisa: That's spacious reasoning, Dad. Homer: Thank you, dear. Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away. Homer: Oh, how does it work? Lisa: It doesn't work. Homer: Uh-huh. Lisa: It's just a stupid rock. Homer: Uh-huh. Lisa: But I don't see any tigers around, do you? [Homer thinks of this, then pulls out some money] Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock. [Lisa refuses at first, then takes the exchange]

— Maybe he wants it as a pet, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Homer: Woo-hoo! A perfect day. Zero bears and one big fat hairy paycheck. [opens it up] Hey! How come my pay is so low? ... Bear patrol tax! This is an outrage! It's the biggest tax increase in history! Lisa: Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history. Homer: Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax. Lisa: That's home-_owner_ tax. Homer: Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.

— And with good cause, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Quimby: Are those morons getting dumber or just louder? Assistant: [checks his clipboard] Dumber, sir.

— Dumb and dumber, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Immigants! I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them.

— Moe Szyslak, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Nelson: Hey, German boy. Go back to Germania! [everyone laughs] Uter: I do not deserve this. I have come here legally as an exchange student! Skinner: Young man, the only thing we exchanged for you is our national dignity. [everyone laughs]

— And a trouble student, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Willie: [threatens children] You want to pick on immigrants? Then pick on Willie! Skinner: Willie, please. The students want to pick on someone their own size.

— Ach, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Lisa: I don't see how you can support Proposition 24, Dad. Homer: Open your eyes, Lisa! Our schools are so jam-packed with immigrants, people like Bart have lost the will to learn! Bart: There's no denying it, Sis.

— More spacious reasoning, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Abe: [narrating] The story of the Simpson family began in the Old Country. I forget which one exactly. My dad would drone on and on about America. He thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread, sliced bread having been invented the previous winter. Abe's dad: [holds up an America pamphlet] See that, son? That's where we're going to live. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. Abe: Later that day, we set sail for America. Abe's dad: [points at the Statue of Liberty] See that, son? That's our new home. [later, the family has moved in... to the Statue] Young Abe: [playing on Statue's arm] Yay! I love America! Abe's mom: Abe! Supper's on! [back to reality] Abe: We had to move out once we filled the entire head with garbage.

— The story of the Simpson family, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Apu: Sir, it may surprise you to know that _I_ am an immigrant. Homer: You? Pfft, get out.

— Well, duh, "Much Apu About Nothing"

I wish I could have stayed one more year or two. There was so much I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me.

— Apu Nahassapeemapetilan, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Moe: You know what really aggravazes me? It's them immigants. They wants all the benefits of living in Springfield, but they ain't even bother to learn themselves the language. Homer: Hey, those are exactly my sentimonies. Barney: [babbles] Moe: Yeah, you said it Barn.

— Said what?, "Much Apu About Nothing"

[in the late '70s] [Frink stands in front of a huge mainframe] Frink: Well, sure, the Frinkiac-7 looks impressive [to student] Don't touch it! [back to class] But I predict that within 100 years computers will be twice as powerful, 10,000 times larger, and so expensive that only the five richest kings in Europe will own them. Apu: Could it be used for dating? Frink: Well, technically, yes, but the computer matches would be so perfect as to eliminate the thrill of romantic conquest. Ha-ho- ha-hey-hoo.

— Nostradamus he ain't, "Much Apu About Nothing"

What you're saying is so understandable. And really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.

— Marge to Apu, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Marge: You know what? I'm going to vote No on 24. Lisa: Mom, you're the greatest! ... Can I have this licorice? [grins]

— Not the best suckup in town, "Much Apu About Nothing"

What do you say we take a relaxed attitude towards work and watch the baseball game? The nye [New York] Mets are my favorite squadron.

— Apu acts American, "Much Apu About Nothing"

This passport is a cheap forgery! A cheap $2,000 forgery!

— Apu Nahassapeemapetilan, "Much Apu About Nothing"

You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.

— Homer to Apu, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Homer: Darn it, Apu, I'm not gonna let them kick you out! [pulls a "Yes on 24" button off his shirt] I never should have bought this button. Can I have my three dollars back? Apu: Store credit only.

— Business-minded even in grief, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Lisa: All right! Now you have all the Simpsons behind you. Apu: That's nice, although three of you are below voting age. Homer: And I'm not registered.

— Proposition 24 furor, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Homer: [on phone] Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you? ... Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported? Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love. ... Mmm, possibly once more for money.

— Like the black widow, but not deadly, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Apu: Oh, it's hopeless. Oh, poor Apu. Abe: Hey! The government can't control the sky. What if you lived in a balloon? Lisa: That's it! Bart: Hear that? Hear that, mom? She's as dumb as me. Lisa: No, not what he said. What he is. Grandfather, as in grandfather clause. Apu, how long ago did you visa expire? Apu: Seven years, but I don't-- Lisa: There's an amnesty that was declared for people who've lived here as long as you. You can take the citizenship test! Marge: But the vote on Proposition 24 is on Tuesday. You'll have to pass the exam before then. Apu: Oh, that is not nearly enough time to learn over 200 years of American history. Homer: Oh, it can't be that many. Come on, Apu. I'll be your tutor. [everyone looks worried]

— And that means party down, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Apu: Ohh, I fell asleep! I have forgotten everything that Mr. Homer taught me! Lisa: Perfect. Let's roll.

— Apu takes the citizenship test, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Proctor: All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War? Apu: Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, there were economic factors, both domestic and inter-- Proctor: Wait, wait... just say slavery. Apu: Slavery it is, sir.

— "Much Apu About Nothing"

Apu: Today, I am no longer an Indian living in America. I am an Indian-American. Lisa: You know, in a way, all Americans are immigrants. Except, of course Native Americans. Homer: Yeah, Native Americans like us. Lisa: No, I mean American Indians. Apu: Like me.

— Blame Columbus, "Much Apu About Nothing"

If I could just say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker.

— Homer J. Simpson, "Much Apu About Nothing"

When are people going to learn? ... Democracy doesn't work!

— Homer J. Simpson, free-thinking anarchist, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Ach... ingrates.

— Groundskeeper Willie is deported, "Much Apu About Nothing"

Wow. You know, most of my life I've... I've had to live with the shame of being a screw-up. But now, as I stand here with the award for the district's safest bus driver... well, it... it's like a dream come true.

— The fantasies of a bus driver, "Homerpalooza"

So, um... who's good at keeping secrets?

— Otto, about to design a cover-up, "Homerpalooza"

Dear parents. Due to yesterday's unscheduled field trip to the auto wrecking yard, the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. By reading this letter out loud, you have waived any legal responsability on our part in perpetuity throughout the universe.

— Marge reads the school's letter, "Homerpalooza"

Homer: Well, we'll have to organize a car pool. Hey! Every day will be like a road trip... with your dad... to school! Kids: [groans]

— This almost sounds exciting, "Homerpalooza"

Homer: So... how about those rainbow suspenders, huh? Bart: Dad...? Homer: Pretty cool way to keep your pants up, eh? Bart: Dad! Homer: I see these kids now with "Jive" printed on their shirts. Pftt... Now, I can teach you how you're supposed to say "jive". Lisa: Dad... Please just drive the car, dad. Homer: I'm watching the road, sweetie. You <jive> turkey. See? You got to <sass> it. Quit <jivin'> me, turkey. You got to sass it. A "turkey" is a bad person.

— On the verge of beating Grampa, "Homerpalooza"

KFSL -- Fossil 103. Classic hits from Abba to Zeppelin, comma, Led.

— Never thought I'd miss KBBL, "Homerpalooza"

For more information on Grand Funk, consult your school library!

— Homer's word of wisdom, "Homerpalooza"

Bart: Dad, please, you're embarrassing us. Homer: No, I'm not.

— What an argument, "Homerpalooza"

Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for Jefferson airplane, which cleared the way for Jefferson starship. The stage was now set for the Alan Parsons project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft.

— Homer, who else, "Homerpalooza"

Bart: Dad! No one cares about any of your stupid dinosaur bands! You have the worst, lamest taste in music ever. [turns off the radio] Homer: I'm just trying to party with you guys. Bart: Homer, first of all, it's "par-tay", and second, we wouldn't "par-tay" with you if you were the last dad on Earth.

— "Homerpalooza"

Homer: Now, here are some of your no-name bands. Sonic Youth? Nine Inch Nails? Hullabalooza? Clerk: Hullabalooza is a music festival; the greatest music festival of all time. Homer: There can only be one truly great festival a lifetime and it's the "Us Festival". Clerk: The <what> festival? Homer: The "Us Festival"! Geez! It was sponsored by the guy from Apple Computers. Clerk: <What> computers?

— You know, the guy with the suit, "Homerpalooza"

Why do you need new bands? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.

— Homer, "Homerpalooza"

I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

— "Homerpalooza"

Marge: What's wrong, Homie? Homer: [sighs] I went to the record store today and they were playing all that music I've never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy. Marge: Hmm. Record stores have always seemed crazy to me, but it doesn't upset me. Music is none of my business.

— "Homerpalooza"

I've gotta get out of this rut, and back into the groove.

— Homer, "Homerpalooza"

Bart: Dear Lord, if you keep Homer from embarrassing us today, we promise to build several churches in your honor. Lisa: Bart, no!

— The price to pay, "Homerpalooza"

Hey, wait! I'm okay today! My mom bought me deodorant!

— Milhouse, "Homerpalooza"

Lisa: Dad, you forgot to pick up Milhouse. Homer: [exagerated] I <did>? I must be getting forgetful in my old age. Open the glove compartment and fetch me my brain medicine.

— This stuff doesn't seem to be working at all, "Homerpalooza"

Homer: Well? What have we here? Looks like your uncool dad scored tickets to Hullabalooza! Lisa: [gasps] Bart... these look real... Bart: Check the authenticator spot [Lisa removes a sticker, which reveals a microchip] Chip: This is an authentic Hullabalooza ticket. For authentic refreshment, eat Clark bars. And for totally outrageous class rings, it's Josten's. Go, Josten's!

— "Homerpalooza"

You're not going to school today. Today your classroom will be the Capitol City amphitheater; your teacher, four dozen rock bands. So, get ready for some well-supervised craziness while you rock out with your father!

— Homer, "Homerpalooza"

Wow! It's like Woodstock, only with advertisements everywhere and tons of security guards.

— Lisa reflects on Hullabalooza, "Homerpalooza"

Lisa: Generation X may be shallow but at least they have tolerance and respect for all people. Homer: Hey: a freak show!

— To a certain extent, "Homerpalooza"

Before we start, we have a lost child here. If she's not claimed within the next hour, she will become property of Blockbuster Entertainment.

— A warning from Cypress Hill, "Homerpalooza"

Bart: [sniffing] What is that smell? Lisa: It smells like Otto's jacket...

— Which can only mean one thing... "Homerpalooza"

Clerk: Dude, karma. Homer: What? Clerk: [pointing at the hat] Karma, <karma>. [pause] Homer: [neuter] Oh, I get it. [walks away]

— But I don't, "Homerpalooza"

Bart: Dad, you cannot wear that! That's a rastafarian hat. Homer: Pft. Hey, I've been safariing since before you were born. Lisa: Wearing a Jamaican hat makes a bold statement about your connection to reggae music. Homer: Well, <excuse> me. [sticks a "Too cool for this planet" sticker to his hat] Bart: You know what, dad? Maybe we'll go exploring on our own for a while. [the kids run away]

— Run boy, run for your life!, "Homerpalooza"

Homer: Good concert, am I right? Teen1: Yeah, nice try, narc. Teen2: Where's a narc? Teen3: Who? Teen1: That fat Jamaican guy. Homer: What did I say? What's going on? Teen4: Hey, we're just trying to have a good time, narc. Why do you want to destroy us? Teen5: Don't commit your hate crimes here. [yelling] HATE CRIME!

— All I did was say "Gimme four more justices", "Homerpalooza"

Lisa: It may be bleak, but this music is really getting to the crowd. Bart: Eh, making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel.

— "Homerpalooza"

Oh... Makes no sense. I haven't changed since high school and suddenly I'm uncool.

— Hand Homer a mirror, "Homerpalooza"

Tech: Aw, man. There goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off. Frampton: You're damn right I'm going to be pissed off; I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale!

— Oink oink, "Homerpalooza"

Sir, I run Hullabalooza's pageant of the transmundane --the freak show, and I've been looking for a big fatso to shoot with a cannon. I'd like very much for you to be that fatso.

— Hullabalooza's manager wants to hire Homer, "Homerpalooza"

Marge: So... you want to go on tour with a traveling freak show. Homer: I don't think I have a choice, Marge. Marge: Of course you have a choice. Homer: How do you figure? Marge: You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along. Homer: You know, Marge, in some ways, you and I are very different people.

— After all these years, he finds out, "Homerpalooza"

[in a shy, nervous tone] Hi everybody. Is everybody... good?

— Homer is about to begin his number, "Homerpalooza"

Corgan: Hey cannonball, I like your statement: when life takes a cheap shot at you, you stand your ground. Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins. Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

— That's not a band!, "Homerpalooza"

Homer: You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide. Corgan: Well, we try to make a difference.

— Positive differences, check with Barry Manilow, "Homerpalooza"

Teen1: Oh, here comes that cannonball guy. He's cool. Teen2: Are you being sarcastic, dude? Teen1: I don't even know anymore.

— Well, duh, "Homerpalooza"

Thank you! And remember, don't trust anyone over 30! And now, Peter Frampton!

— Homer, after his number, "Homerpalooza"

Corgan: Hey, Homer, looks like our next stop is your hometown, Springfield. D'Arcy: Is it true that we have to bring our own water? Homer: We got a little rule back home: if it's brown, drink it down; if it's black, send it back.

— Springfield, still a national proudness, "Homerpalooza"

Chamberlin: The hometown show's the big one, Homer. Iha: Yeah, people who called you a weirdo in high school get to see what a successful freak you've become. [points to D'Arcy] D'Arcy: Hey, I wasn't a weirdo. I was in the audio-visual club. Homer: Really? Me too! But I got kicked out 'cause of my views of Vietnam. Also, I was stealing projectors.

— Also because I didn't know what I was doing, "Homerpalooza"

Homer, nothing's more important to me than the health and well-being of my freaks. I'm sending you to a vet.

— Hullabalooza manager, "Homerpalooza"

Homer: Pftt... Rules. I'm a rocker, I don't care for rules. Vet: Mr. Simpson, this is serious. If you take one more cannonball to the gut, you will die. Homer: Die? Well, you don't scare me, doc, 'cause dying would be a stone groove. Got any messages for Jimi Hendrix? Vet: Yes: "Pick up your puppy." [pan to Rover Hendrix]

— And play better shuffleboard, "Homerpalooza"

Bart: So, what's it like being famous, dad? Homer: People know your name, but you don't know theirs. It's great.

— Basic mantra of the prestigious, "Homerpalooza"

Bart: Do you wear boxers or briefs? Homer: [checking] Nope. Bart: What religion are you? Homer: You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uh... Christianity.

— "Homerpalooza"

Guard: Clear the way, clear the way! Performer coming through. Marge: This is so exciting. Last time I got to go backstage was when Bart ripped his pants at the Christmas play. Bart: Mom... DJ: [pointing to Bart] Ha-ha!

— Cypress Hill takes a cue from Muntz, "Homerpalooza"

Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on people, somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra... posssibly while high.

— Backstage at Hullabalooza, "Homerpalooza"

DJ: Uh, do you know "Insane in the Brain"? Violinist: [British accent] We mostly know classical... but we could give it a shot. [hip-hop music, gradually accompanied by the orchestra] "Put the water on the flame, boiling temper" "Just toss that ham in the frying pan like spam..."

— Mmm... spam, "Homerpalooza"

Jimbo: Man, that guy's guitar is talking. Otto: Hey, my shoes are talking too! Left Shoe: Don't worry. We won't hurt you. Right Shoe: We only want to have some fun.

— "Homerpalooza"

Burns: [chuckles] And to think, Smithers: you laughed when I bought TicketMaster. "Nobody's going to pay a 100\% service charge." Smithers: Well, it's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir.

— Burns attends Hullabalooza, "Homerpalooza"

Frampton: God. Homer Simpson wrecks my pig, Cypress Hill steals my orchestra, and Sonic Youth's in my cooler! Get out of there, you kids! Moore: Aw, come on, Mr. Frampton. You're not gonna eat <all> that watermelon. Frampton: Please, I'm trying to perform! Shelley: Go ahead. We'll stay here and guard your cooler. [they all dig in]

— "Homerpalooza"

And now, Springfield, this is the moment that you've been waiting for, the man who embodies everything about Rock 'N' Roll, except the music.

— Introduction, "Homerpalooza"

Oh, this is heavy. Okay Homer, don't fear the reaper.

— "Homerpalooza"

Marge: Cannons are designed to hurt. They're <designed> to <hurt>. Lisa: Shh! Mom, dad needs our support. Marge: [smiles to Homer] Bart: You're the coolest dad alive!

— He won't stay both for very long, "Homerpalooza"

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

— Homer, after "wussing out", "Homerpalooza"

Homer: Oh, Marge. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwitch. Marge: There might be one in this cooler. [digs in Frampton's cooler] Oh, here you go. Frampton: Ohh!

— "Homerpalooza"

Oh, man. Homer wussed out. I'm so disillusioned.

— Lee Ranaldo, "Homerpalooza"

Hullabalooza isn't about freaks; it's about music, and advertisement, and youth-oriented product positioning.

— Kim Gordon, "Homerpalooza"

Gordon: Hey, Hullabalooza isn't about freaks; it's about music, and advertisement, and youth-oriented product positioning. Sen-Dog: That, and getting toasted. Nicely toasted.

— "Homerpalooza"

Manager: Homer, I'm sorry. There's nothing worse than a yellow-bellied freak... unless that's his act. I expect your letter of resignation on my desk. Homer: You have a desk? Manager: I mean, the hood of my car.

— "Homerpalooza"

Homer: I'll miss you, Pumpkins, but I just can't share your bleak world view. I've got too much to live for. Corgan: We envy you, Homer. All we have is our music, our legions of fans, our million of dollars and our youth. [pause] Woo-Hoo! Iha: Let's all go out and buy fur coats! Chamberlin: I want a walk-in humidor.

— So much for _that_ plan, "Homerpalooza"

Homer: So, I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool. Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool. Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square". Lisa: That song is so lame. Homer: So lame that it's... cool? Bart+Lisa: No. Marge: Am I cool, kids? Bart+Lisa: No. Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool, not caring, right? Bart+Lisa: No. Marge: Well, how the hell do you <be> cool? I feel like we've tried everything here. Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't <need> to be told you're cool. Bart: Well, sure you do. Lisa: How else would you know?

— "Homerpalooza"

[bell rings] Milhouse: School's out! Up yours, Krabappel! [runs out, while other students sit] Krabappel: Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered that summer vacation starts at the end of the day, not the beginning.

— Milhouse suffers heat stroke, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Lou: Here you go, ma'am. [escorts Milhouse back into the classroom] Krabappel: Mmm. Quick work. How'd you know he was gonna run? Lou: We got someone on the inside. [everyone glares at Martin who laughs sheepishly]

— Tell them what we do with squealers, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Hoover: And so, as Abraham Lincoln sat in Ford's theatre that night, John Wilkes Booth entered, drew his gun, and... [the bell rings] Well, that's it. Have a nice summer, everyone. [everyone leaves except for Chuck and Ralph] Chuck: But what happened in Ford's theatre? Ralph: Was President Lincoln okay? Hoover: He was fine. [Chuck leaves] Go home, Ralph.

— Revisionist history, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Lisa: In the beginning of the school year, each of you received a colored ticket. I hope everyone still has theirs. Crowd: Not me. Uh uh. I don't have it... Nelson: Who died and made you boss? Lisa: Mr. Estes, the publications advisor. I edited the whole thing. Nelson: If you hadn't done it, some other loser would have. So quit milking it!

— Nelson puts things into the proper perspective, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Milhouse: This is Becky. She's in the second grade. Bart: Hi, Becky, thanks for coming out. [signs her yearbook] Becky: [reading] "See 'ya." He writes the way people talk!

— Incoherently, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Bart: Your daughter is named Seymour? Skinner: Well, I... uh... ye... uh... I lied. It's for me.

— A memento of gray hair and short tempers, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

I don't get it. Straight A's, perfect attendance, bathroom timer. I should be the most popular girl in school.

— Lisa, unclear on the concept, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Marge: And you're sure the Flanderses won't be there? Well, it sounds great.

— The Simpsons borrow the Flanders' beach house, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Marge: Bart, you can invite Milhouse. Lisa, you can bring a friend too. Lisa: [chuckling nervously] Hey. Great... a friend... heh, heh... or companion... or... I'unno, stuffed animal?

— Don't knock teddy bears, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Marge: So, did you call any of your friends?0 Lisa: Friend? [scoffs] These are my only friends. [holds up a book] Grownup nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will. Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

— Marge's homophobia shows through, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Marge: I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself. [walks away] Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked.

— All those brains and you just figured it out, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Homer: [holds Lisa's suitcase] Somebody's travelling light. Lisa: Meh. Maybe you're just getting stronger. Homer: Well, I have been eating more.

— And how, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Bart: When the hell are we getting to... where the hell are we going? Marge: Mmm. It's called Little Pwagmattasquarmesettport. It's known as America's scrod basket. Bart: I thought Springfield was America's scrod basket. Marge: No, Springfield is America's crud bucket. At least according to Newsweek.

— You can see our house in that photo!, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

"Wel-diddly-elcome, Simpsons." Oh, jeez, he actually wrote "diddly".

— Homer reads a letter from Ned, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Marge: [reads note on freezer] "Put food in me." Homer: I'll take that. [sticks it on his belly]

— It sure does, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Marge: [removing an ice cube tray filled with notes reading "Fill Me"] Well, duh. With what, Ned? [removes note, revealing another note reading "With Water"] Mmm...

— No detail has been overlooked, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Marge: Isn't this fun, honey? Lisa: [sarcastic] It must be exciting to make a different set of beds. Marge: I know you're joking, but it is! Say, why don't you put on your swimsuit and head for the beach? Lisa: You know, it's kinda funny. With all the craziness and confusion and mishegoss of packing, I forgot to pack! Marge: Lisa, that's not at all like you. Lisa: Exactly. Marge: Mmm... Homer: [wearing "Welcome" mat across his groin] I forgot my swimsuit too, but I improvised. [goes outside] Hello! [police sirens blare]

— Now the doorknob falls of..., "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Lisa: A library! ... No, I can't... that's the old, nerdy Lisa. [Pippi Longstockings appears] Pippi: Lisa, read about my adventures in the South Seas, and make me live again! [New Yorker's "Eustace B. Tilley" appears] Eustace: We've got periodicals on microfiche... [Alice (of Wonderland) and the Mad Hatter appear] Alice: [nervously] Won't you join our tea party? It would be ever so... [Mad Hatter pulls a gun and grabs Alice] Don't do it, Lisa. It's a trap! Run! Run! [Lisa does so]

— Lisa encounters old friends, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Boy: So he's all, like, pffhhhtt... Girl: Pft, I can totally hear him going that. Lisa: [listening in] Only kids are that incoherent!

— "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

It's not your fault... you don't control the birds. Someday you will, but not now.

— Lisa consoles herself, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Erin: Hey, I like your hat. Lisa: A compliment! [thinking] Scanning for sarcasm... it's clean! Go!

— Lisa's brain, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Lisa: I usually hang out in front. Erin: You like to hang out too? Lisa: Well, it beats doing stuff. Erin: Yeah. Stuff sucks.

— But stuff is cool too, right?, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

The whole thing smacks of effort, man.

— Ben, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Marge: Come on, Homer. Open the door for your mystery date. Homer: [does so] Ooh, the captain of the football team. He's a dreamboat. Don't wait up, Marge.

— The family play "Mystery Date", "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Lisa: A gift from my favorite crustacean. Rick: Hey... did you learn that word from a teacher for something? Lisa: Nooo... I heard it on Baywatch. [murmurs of consent]

— So much educational value, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

Hi... ummm... let me have some of those porno magazines... large box of condoms... a couple of those panty shields [quickly] and some illegal fireworks [back to normal] and one of those disposable enemas. Ehhh... make it two.

— Homer shops for illegal fireworks, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"