Movie Trivia

Announcer: Coming up next, our feature race: the Nuclear Power Plant Championship. Plant plant! Burns: Ah, at last. Smithers, fetch the bi-oculars. [watches the 2-second race] Burns: Oh, damnation, tell them to go slower! Smithers: Yes sir. [meets the drivers] Hi guys. Uh, can we keep it in first gear for a couple laps? [they take off again, at an awfully low speed] Burns: [excited] Go! Go! [mean] Slow down. [the two drivers reluctantly look at each other, but do so] [after crossing the line, they release their parachutes, which don't even open] Burns: Excellent.

— After all, I paid for this, "Homer the Smithers"

Lenny: [drunk] Eh, Burnsie. This was some swell shindig. Thank you very much! Burns: [frightened] Smithers, what's happening? Lenny: [even drunker] I had a great time. I just want to shake your hand. [Terrorized, Burns rolls up the window] [his face stuck on the window] You're the greatest! Burns: Smithers, help!

— The dangers of holding employees nights, "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: You should've seen the murderous glint in his eyes, Smithers. And his breath reeked of beer and pretzeled bread. Smithers: I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns. This was all my fault. Burns: Don't concern yourself. If things had turned ugly, I always had my mace. Smithers: Don't let me off the hook that easily, sir. I failed you and I'll never forgive myself. [bangs his head on the steering wheel] Never, never, never... [Burns rolls up the window between himself and Smithers] [muffled] Never, never, never... [phone ringing] [on phone] Never, never, never!

— Loyal and persistent, "Homer the Smithers"

Smithers: Good morning, sir! To make up for my failure last night, I alphabetized your breakfast; you can start with the waffles and work your way up to the zwieback. And, to prevent newsprint from rubbing off on your hands, I've laminated today's newspaper. Burns: I appreciate the thought, but my pen won't write on this. How am I supposed to do the Junior Jumble? Smithers: Oh, I can't even grovel properly! I'm a buffoon! I don't deserve to live on your planet anymore!

— By all means necessary, "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: Pull yourself together, man. I daresay you're in need of a long vacation. Smithers: No! Don't make me take a vacation! Without you I'll wither and die! Burns: That's a risk I'm willing to take.

— Nothing can stop him, "Homer the Smithers"

Smithers: But what would you do without me, sir? Burns: Thuh! I'm not a baby who needs a nursemaid to burp me. [burps] You see?

— You made your point, "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: Now, I insist that you take a vacation, just as soon as a temporary substitute can be found. [leads Smithers to the door and closes it] [from behind the door] Sheesh.

— Smithers is overworked, "Homer the Smithers"

Smithers: I've got to find a replacement that won't outshine me. Perhaps if I searched the employee evaluations for the word [types] "Incompetent"... [computer reports: 714 matches found] 714 names? Better be more specific. [keeps typing] "lazy", "clumsy", "dim-witted", "monstrously ugly" [computer searches, then reports: 714 matches found] Oh, nuts to this! I'll just go get Homer Simpson.

— His reputation precedes him, "Homer the Smithers"

I think Smithers picked _me_ because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

— Homer, Employee of the month, "Homer the Smithers"

Lisa: You know Dad, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm. Marge: [comes in, holding a bowl] You know Homer, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm. Lisa: Mom, I just said that. Marge: [sarcastically] Soooorry! Next time get your own darn corn.

— Broken Record time, "Homer the Smithers"

Homer: Um, is this the chair I'll be sitting on? Smithers: Yeah. [Homer plays with the chair] Now, I realize caring for Mr. Burns seems like a big job, but... actually it's just 2,800 small jobs. Homer: Uh huh. But this _is_ the chair, right? Smithers: Your new duties will include: answering Mr. Burns' phone, preparing his tax return, moistening his eyeballs, assisting with his chewing and swallowing, lying to Congress, and some light typing.

— Typing? My whole plan down the--, "Homer the Smithers"

Smithers: [answering] Montgomery Burns' office. Oh, hello Mrs. Burns. I'll see if your son is available. Homer: Mr. Burns has a mother? She must a hundred million years old! Smithers: She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell.

— Does she watch `Matlock'?, "Homer the Smithers"

Smithers: I'm sorry, Monty can't come to the phone right now. He's in a very important meeting and can't be disturbed. [shot of Burns trying to avoid falling asleep]

— A rested plant owner is a vigilant plant owner, "Homer the Smithers"

Smithers: Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with president Taft. Homer: [chuckles] Taft, you old dog.

— "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: [spits] Really Smithers, I'll be fine. I'm sure your replacement will be able to handle everything. Who is he, anyway? Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. One of your organ banks from sector 7-G. All the recent events of your life have revolved around him in some way. Burns: Simpson, eh?

— Rings a bell?, "Homer the Smithers"

Homer: [yelling from his window] Uh, Mr. Smithers? I don't understand 2,700 of my new duties. Smithers: Well, the van's leaving; which one duty is giving you the most trouble? Homer: Um... what do I do in case of fire? Smithers: [muffled from inside the van] Sorry, can't hear you. Bye! [the van leaves] Homer: [sits, then looks at Mr. Burns' office burning down] Aw, just my luck.

— When the fire starts to burn..., "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: [gasps at his sight] Good Lord, Smithers, you look atrocious. I thought I told you to take a vacation. Homer: Uh, Smithers already left, sir. I'm his replacement, Homer Simpson. Burns: Ah yes, Simpson.

— Well, they both have four fingers, "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: I'll have my lunch now. A single pillow of Shredded Wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg. Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct... Burns: Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills. Homer: [taking notes] Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the... things. Uh... the things? [Burns looks at him meanly]

— Efficiency at its best, "Homer the Smithers"

Lousy two-legged pants.

— Homer's deep reflexions at 4:30, "Homer the Smithers"

Marge: Homie, it's 4:30 in the morning. Little Rascals isn't until 6. Homer: I know, I'm taping it. I want to get to Burns' house bright and early to make his breakfast. Marge: Hmm, poor Homie. Poor, poor... [snores]

— How compassionate, "Homer the Smithers"

Doughnuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food!

— Mr. Burns, commenting on Homer's breakfast, "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: Here, tell me how my stocks did yesterday. Homer: Uh... they all won. Burns: What about my options? Homer: Well, you can either get up or go back to sleep. Burns: I believe I'll get up.

— Still needs to study `Advanced Marketing', "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: Scrub harder. Got to get that layer of dead skin off. Homer: [groans]

— Burns' personal hygiene, "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: [from his office] Simpson? Simpson? [walks into Smithers' office] Did you get that report on the accounting department? Homer: Yes sir, I did. [reads] "The accounting department is located on the 3rd floor. Its hours are 9am to 5pm. The head of this department is a Mr. Johnson or Johnstone."

— `My report', by Homer Simpson, "Homer the Smithers"

Homer: Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car", "You have 10 minutes", "Your car has been impounded", "Your car has been crushed into a cube", "You have 30 minutes to move your cube". [phone ringing] Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office. Burns: Is it about my cube?

— More of a Frinkahedron, "Homer the Smithers"

Homer: It's Mr. Smithers, he's calling for you. Smithers: [on a beach] How's everything going there, sir? Well, I have a lot of... free time on my hands. If you FedEx me your mail I'd be happy to open it and return it to you. Burns: Everything's fine, Smithers. But this Simpson fellow seems to be getting dumber by the minute, I've never seen anything quite like it. Anywho, you just enjoy your vacation. Homer: [moans]

— Nothing like being appreciated at work, "Homer the Smithers"

Homer: [snores] Bart: Look alive, Simpson, I'm not paying you to goldbrick. Homer: [wakes up] Uh... Yes sir. Bart: Now get cracking on my long division, and don't forget to show your work, Simpson. Homer: I'll have it on your desk tomorrow morning, sir. Lisa: Bart, leave Simpson alone! [whispering to Homer] Simpson, I need a ride to the library. Homer: Yes sir. Marge: Kids, stop exploiting your father. Homie, why don't you lie down and relax? Homer: No time, Marge. I thing Mr. Burns wants me to do some long division. Marge: [authoritatively] Simpson, lie down! [Homer does so] Sorry, but you need a good night's rest.

— More obedient than the dog, "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: The telephone has been ringing for some time. [severely] Answer it. Homer: [answers] Yello. [to Burns] It's for you. Smithers: [on a public phone] Mr. Burns, 48 rings, are you all right? What did Simpson do to you? Burns: Nothing other than drive me to distraction with his incompetent boobery. Terrible at everything, a complete moron! [Homer is still holding the phone] But I'm not really free to talk right now. Look, stop calling me and enjoy your vacation. And remember, I want to see lots of pictures when you get back. Smithers: [obviously calling from a "men only" bar] Uh, actually sir, picture-taking is not allowed at this... particular resort. [a conga line of men forms behind him] Oop, I gotta go now, there's a line forming behind me. [joins in]

— Nah, it can't be what it seems, "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: [throws his glass at Homer] You call this Postum? [bashes a 5-feet high pile of paper] Burns: You call this a tax return? [bangs a CRAY with his cane] Burns: You call this a supercomputer?

— Our referee in the Win 95 vs. OS/2 struggle, "Homer the Smithers"

Marge: Is there something wrong, Homie? Homer: No. Marge: Except? Homer: Except... I killed Mr. Burns!

— Just asking, "Homer the Smithers"

Lisa: What happened, Dad? Homer: I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face. Lisa: Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really really hurt him. Marge: Okay, maybe everything's all right, maybe if you go apologize he won't even fire you. If he's alive.

— That's what the `better hospitals' are for, "Homer the Smithers"

Homer: I'm really sorry I hit you Mr. Burns. Here, let me put some salt on that eye. Burns: [frightened] No, please, I can't bear another trashing. Just leave me be! Homer: Yes sir... [walks away] Burns: Must call Smithers, he'll protect me from this beast. [looks at his phone] I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times. Doesn't seem to be any trick to it. Let's see, Smithers... S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. Success, it's ringing! Moe: Moe's tavern. Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon. Moe: Oh... So you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes, and shove 'em down your pants, so you can watch kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

— The hunter has become the hunted, "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: Praise God. I think the thug has finally gone home for the day. Now, I can make my escape... Homer: [shows into the mirror] Hi, Mr. Burns! You want your coffee now? Burns: Uh, no. I'm making it myself! [takes a coffeepot, rattles it] Hear that? The percolations are imminent. No need to come in. Uh... cease your ingress!

— Whatever that means it ain't good, "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: Stay back Homer, approach no further, coffee's already made. I stomped the beans myself. Homer: Uh, well, can I at least drive you home, Mr. Burns? It's 5:00. Burns: No! I thought, uh, I thought I'd chauffeur myself this evening. Yes, that's what I thought. How difficult could it be? I'm sure the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and which the deceleratrix, hmm?

— Yeah, somewhere on the back, "Homer the Smithers"

Homer: Would you like me to shred those environmental reports for you, sir? Burns: Already taken care of. [shreds the reports and throw them out the window] Burns: [chuckles] Capucino, Simpson? [phone ringing] [answers] Ahoy-hoy? No, you have the wrong number. This is 4-2-*4*-6. I suspect you need more practice working your telephone machine. Not at all. Ahoy! Homer: Uh, Mr. Burns, is there anything at all I can do for you? Burns: No, Homer, you've already done more for me than any man. Your brutal attack forced me to fend for myself. I realize now that being waited on hand and foot is OK for your average Joe, but it's not for me.

— But at least you can afford it, "Homer the Smithers"

Smithers: Oh my God! I knew I shouldn't have left... Burns: Ah, welcome back Smithers. Say, do you know Homer Simpson, he pitched in around the office while you were away. Bang-up job, Simpson, but I guess it's back to your trusty post in sector 7-G. Smithers: [sighs in relief] You heard the man, Simpson. Burns: Ah, and my dear dear Smithers. You're no longer needed at all. You're fired. Ta! Homer: [to Smithers] *You* shouldn't have gone away in vacation.

— Then who'll release the hounds?, "Homer the Smithers"

Marge: Cheer up, Homie. Homer: I just feel terrible about getting Mr. Smithers fired. That job was all he had. Imagine how _you'd_ feel Marge if you got fired from the... those... things that... you do. Bart: Quick Mom, whip up a cake before Dad fires ya!

— She can still take back her job at Mr. Burger, "Homer the Smithers"

Smithers: [on mike] Get ready for exciting quarter-mile action at the Springfield Dragway. It'll be motorized mayhem mayhem mayhem. [softly] Do we need all those "mayhems"? We do. All right, fair enough. I suppose you know your business. [loud] Get ready for fun, fun, fun! [soft] I... The people are already here, we don't... need to keep hustling them like this, do we? [angrily] Let go of me... Where are you throwing me? [trash noises]

— You're fired, fired, fired!, "Homer the Smithers"

Smithers: Uh, hello. You got a "Help Wanted" sign on the window? Moe: Yeah, I need someone to help me with the midnight beer delivery. Your job is to distract Barney until it's safely off the truck. Smithers: I'll just... wait out back until then. Barney: I look forward to working with you!

— Does it takes credentials?, "Homer the Smithers"

Mrs. Burns: [on phone] Whot? Smithers: Hello, Mrs. Burns? This is Waylon Smithers. I have your son Montgomery on the line... Mrs. Burns: That improvident lackwit? Always too busy stridin' about his atom mill to call his own mother. I'll give him what-fors 'till he cries brassafrax!

— We finally know where he gets it from, "Homer the Smithers"

Smithers: [chuckles] Perfect. When I give the signal, you transfer the call to Mr. Burns. After she tears into him I'll rush in and save the day. Homer: Got it. [pushes Speaker] I'm transfering a call in to you, Mr. Burns. Burns: [on intercom] No problemo! Homer: [hesitating between the four buttons] Uh... Ooh... Uh... [pushes Disconnect] [hearing the dial tone] Oh oh. Burns: [from his office] Ahoy-hoy? Hoy? Homer: [in falsetto] Hello Mr. Burns? This is your mother. Smithers: [whispering] No... Burns: Urg... Oh, hello mater. Um... sorry about pulling the plug on you and all, uh... who could've known you'll pull through and... live... for another 5 decades? Ohh, is my face red! Smithers: [to Homer] Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more dessicated. And she doesn't call her son "Mr. Burns"! Homer: [cracking falsetto] Son, this is Mrs. Burns. I just called to say I don't love you. You are a bad son Montel... Burns: [behind him] So... Homer: [screams] Burns: Impersonate my mother, will you? And you Smithers, you must have put him up to it. I'm glad I fired you. Homer: Ya really blew it this time, Smithers.

— I didn't do it, "Homer the Smithers"

Smithers: [feeding him] Here comes the endangered condor into the power lines... I've got Bobo hot from the dryer. Careful not to burn yourself on his eye. Burns: I don't need you to do any of this. I'm totally self-reliant now. What I would like though is a Spanish peanut. [Smithers hands him one] Skin? [Smithers skins it and puts it in Burns' mouth] Burns: [chewing] It's a remarkable thing, in the short time you were gone, I learned to be completely self-reli... [Smithers feeds him another peanut] ...ant. Oh, and as for that brutish fellow who knocked me out the window, see that he gets what's coming to him. Smithers: I already have, sir. [Homer and his family enjoy a huge "Thank You" basket] Bart: What did you get that for? Homer: For knocking Mr. Burns out of a 3rd story window. Bart: Makes sense to me. Lisa: Did he die? Homer: What am I, a doctor?

— Looks like it's back to our wacky adventures, "Homer the Smithers"

TV: "Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame" now returns to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure, and the Muppets in the 1977 film: "The Muppets Go Medieval". Troy: Oh Princess Fair, wilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage? Piggy: Oh, Sir Lies-A-Lot, I will! [they kiss each other] Troy: [purrs] Kermit: [in armor, wielding a sword] Unhand the swine, you swain! Come, Piggy. back to Hamelot. Piggy: Heck no, frog. Me and Iron Pants are just getting acquinted.

— "A Fish Called Selma"

Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet? Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs] So to answer your question I don't know.

— No deep thoughts yet, I see, "A Fish Called Selma"

Bart: Why'd they make that one muppet out of leather? Marge: That's not a leather muppet, that's Troy McClure. Mmm, back in the '70s he was quite a teen heartthrob. Homer: Yeah, who'd have thought he'd turn out to be such a weirdo? Marge: What are you talking about? Homer: You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why I heard... Marge: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that type of thing with _fish_!

— He may hold you to that, "A Fish Called Selma"

Troy McClure's a perfect gentleman, like Bing Crosby or JFK.

— Now who's being naive, Marge?, "A Fish Called Selma"

Wiggum: All right, Captain Rush-Rush, out of the car! [Troy slams the DeLorean's door in his face] Ow, I'm seeing stars here! Troy: No, just one! Hi, I'm Troy McClure; you may remember me from such films as "The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed", and "They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall".

— "A Fish Called Selma"

Wiggum: License please? [Troy hands his license] Says here you need corrective lenses. Put those glasses on, Mister. Troy: You wouldn't ask a handsome man like me to wear glasses? It'd be a crime against nature! [groans, then puts his glasses on, which are powerful magnifiers] Wiggum: [surprised] Gaa! Well, they do kinda make you look like a nerd... Tell you what, just go down to the DMV tomorrow, try to pass that eye test. I'll tear up this ticket but I'm uh... still gonna have to ask you for a bribe.

— Professional as always, "A Fish Called Selma"

Grampa: [to Selma] Hello Marge. [to Patty] Hello Marge. Selma: [groans] How come no Chippendales dancers ever come in to renew their licenses? Patty: They carpool, that's the problem. [stamps Grampa's license] Grampa: Hey! I came here to get this revoked!

— The passionate life of a DMV employee, "A Fish Called Selma"

Hibbert: Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after that scandal at the aquarium. Louie: Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead. Tony: No, what I said was: "He sleeps with the fishes". You see... Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo...

— And it doesn't look pretty on the way out, "A Fish Called Selma"

Troy: [surprised in disgust] Uh... Hello, beautiful! John Law tells me I might need to wear these glasses. Selma: You? [giggle] Nonsense! You're Troy McClure! I remember you from such films as "Meet Joe Blow" and "Give My Remains to Broadway". Stars like you don't need glasses. [Troy smiles suggestively at Selma, who smiles back at him] Patty: Yech!

— That's still some improvement over Barney, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: Now, Mr. McClure, would you like to take off those glasses, and read the top line? [points to an eye chart] Troy: Err... W... 7... star... pound... uh... Look, Ms... [looks at Selma's name plate] Bouvier, as an actor I depend on my remarkable looks. [Selma smiles silently] If you could find in your heart to pass me, I'm sure I could find some way to repay you. Selma: [gulps] Mubble. Troy: Say, by buying you dinner? [Selma smiles with joy and stamps his license several times] Troy: That took a lot of class.

— His charms are still working, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: All these celebrities on the walls; I'm just know a big star like you is up there somewhere. Troy: Uh, yes, I'm over there... [vaguely points somewhere] Selma: [as she browses the walls] Hmm... Uh... Huh-uh. Hmm? [finally finds Troy's picture on the pet door] Oh!

— "Cats", anyone?, "A Fish Called Selma"

Troy: So, working at the DMV must be very interesting. Selma: Well, uh... I think I'm getting Repetitive Stress Disorder from scratching my butt all day. [clears throat] Being a huge movie star must be good too. What are you working on now? Troy: I've been reading a lot of scripts lately. You know, it's a lot cheaper than _going_ to the movies.

— But it's just not the same, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: Well, thanks for holding up your end of the bargain. I had a pretty good time. Troy: [sounding tired] Yeah, me too. You need a ride, somewhere... Reporter: Hey, get a load of this: Troy McClure and what looks like a date! [many reporters gather and take pictures] Troy: Here you go, boys: a little something for page one. [kisses Selma on the cheek]

— "A Fish Called Selma"

Lenny: Hey, Homer, isn't this your sister-in-law on a date with Troy McClure? Homer: Pft... Troy McClure. He's a washed-up movie star, he could be dating washed-up supermodels. Lenny: Ho, I don't know. Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish weren't true after all. Carl: Ah, this changes everything; I'd pay to see him in a movie now. If only that were possible.

— "A Fish Called Selma"

Parker: Troy, my man, it's MacArthur Parker. Troy: MacArthur Parker the agent? MacArthur Parker _my_ agent? Parker: Heh heh, just checking in, my friend. So how's my favorite client? Troy: We haven't spoken in eight years... Parker: Yes... So I saw the papers today Troy, looking good, that wholesome stuff really helps when I'm trying to find you work. Troy: You haven't found me work in _twelve_ years! Parker: [chuckles] Oh you, Jury duty is work.

— The duty or the movie?, "A Fish Called Selma"

Parker: And listen, you keep getting seen in public with human females, and I can get you work in the _entertainment_ industry. Troy: Hmm... [looks at the article] Hey... [dials] Hello, Selma Bouvier? It's Troy McClure. You may remember me from such dates as last night's dinner.

— The running gag continueth, "A Fish Called Selma"

Troy: That's right boys, Troy's back from the gutter, and he's brought someone with him!

— That's flattering, "A Fish Called Selma"

Troy: [laughing] That's too funny! I can't remember when I've heard a funnier anecdote. [laughing] All right, now you tell one. Selma: Well, not much happens to me. But I once had dinner with a movie star, and it was the most wonderful night of my life. Troy: Really? Who was it, George Segal? I hear he plays the banjo.

— Watched him in "The Babysitter", too, "A Fish Called Selma"

Man: Excuse me, I ordered a Zima, not emphysema... Server: Please, don't smoke in our restaurant; we don't serve contemporary Californian cuisine in your lungs...

— He's got a point, "A Fish Called Selma"

You know, smoke actually smells good when it's coming out of you.

— Selma on a date, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: You know, smoke actually smells good when it's coming out of you... Oh, I'm all out. Troy: Here, try one of my cigars. Selma: [does so] My God! It's like five cigarettes at once! Oh, my head is swimming! Troy: That's not cigars, baby: that's love. [in echo with the movie dialogue] No longer canst I conceal my love, my wimpled turtledove. Piggy: Whoa... Selma: Whoa... Troy: Oh Princess fair, wilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage? [shows Selma a wedding ring] Piggy: Oh, Sir Lies-A-Lot, I will! Selma: Oh, Troy, I will! [Troy slips the ring to her finger, then they kiss] Troy: Just a second baby. [sprays breath freshener in her mouth, then resumes kissing]

— "A Fish Called Selma"

ET Man: '70s leading man Troy McClure has finally met the woman of his dreams. We may rememb... woman? Huh, okay! We may remember Troy from such films as "The Verdict Was Mail Fraud", and "Leper in the Backfield". [clip of Troy as a football player] [he catches the ball, backs up, and then his arm breaks off] Lori: [laughs, then stops brutally] With his high-profile romance, Troy's managed to shake the rumors that have dogged his carrer. And with news of his upcoming wedding, rumor has it he's up for some very choice roles. ET Man: Looks like you were wrong when you called him a washed-up deviant, eh Lori? [chuckles] All right...

— Entertainment Tonight, no worse than usual, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: Make sure my iguana's okay. Troy: Selma, Jub-Jub is fantastic. He's everywhere you wanna be. [shows Selma her room] Welcome to your new home baby, it's fantastic. Garbage collection is Monday; if you want to throw out a box, you have to cut it up.

— Damn P.C. recycling thugs, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: It's so modern... it's ultra-modern, like living in a not-to-distant future. Troy: Now you make yourself at home here, I'll be sleeping downstairs in the visitors center. Selma: Oh... okay. Troy: I'll see you in the morning. And get ready for tennis; it comes on at 10. [winks]

— But I wanna watch MacGuyver, "A Fish Called Selma"

[phone rings] Parker: Troy! Mac Parker. Ever hear of... Planet of the Apes? Troy: Uh... the movie or the planet? Parker: The brand-new multimillion dollar musical. And _you_ are starring... as the human. Troy: It's the part I was born to play, baby!

— He does look like a human, too, "A Fish Called Selma"

Bart: [in admiration] This play has everything! Homer: Oh, I love legitimate theater.

— They're butchering the classics!, "A Fish Called Selma"

Troy: Thank you, it's great to be back. I just want to say, I wouldn't be here without the support of a very special lady; my always outrageous fiancee Selma. Take a bow, sugar beet! Selma: [shy] Oh... well... oh... Homer: Down in front!

— You with the hair, "A Fish Called Selma"

Troy: My good looks paid for that pool, and my talent filled it with water. Hi, I'm Troy McClure, your future uncle. Lisa: Hi. I remember you from such filmstrips as Locker Room Towel Fight: the Blinding of Larry Driscoll. Troy: You know, I was one of the first to speak out against horseplay. Lisa: Uh-huh...

— The fascinating story of Troy McClure, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us. [Marge looks disappointed] Oh, come on! Guess which one. Homer: I know, I know; it's Selma, right?

— He knows his flaws, "A Fish Called Selma"

Troy: [drunk] Yeah, it's a good idea, Homer, but they've already made some movies about WW II. Homer: Ah, hell... Well, what about Dracula? Troy: Homer, I'm really touched you invited me out on the town. You're gonna be a four-star brother-in-law. Homer: Troy buddy, I gotta know. What's a great guy like you wanna marry a guy like Selma?

— Has she gone through sex change yet?, "A Fish Called Selma"

Rev.: And do you, Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Bouvier, take the fabulous Troy McClure to be your lawful wedded husband? Selma: I already told you, yes. Rev.: If anyone here knows why this couple should not be wed in holy matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace. [zoom in on Homer's head] Brain: [singing to himself "Rock 'N Roll Part Two"] Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! Dah-dah, dah-dah! Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! Dah-dah!

— And that's only 10\% of his brain capacity, "A Fish Called Selma"

Rev.: I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now kiss... each other. [as Troy turns himself to smile to the cameras, Selma ends up kissing him on the cheek] Selma: This is the best day of my life. Troy: It's a good day for me too, baby. Now smile, we're gonna be on every newstand in the country!

— That's what I meant too, "A Fish Called Selma"

Homer: Hey, look what I snagged, Marge: the candy bride and groom from the wedding cake! [swallows them painfully, as they seem to be made in metal] [he finally succeeds, as we hear a little splash] Mmm... pointy.

— Mmm... ulcer, "A Fish Called Selma"

Marge: What? Oh my God! [Homer turns off the light] [we can still see Marge's eyes in the dark -- as in any cartoon] Homer: Marge, could you close your eyes? I'm trying to sleep. [Marge does so] There.

— Meta-humor at its best, "A Fish Called Selma"

This better be important, it's my wedding night. I'm trying to sleep!

— Troy's views on wedding nights, "A Fish Called Selma"

Parker: Hey sleep is for has-beens, my friend, and you're about to have a very crowded schedule. This marriage scam is paying off big time. Bartender: Phone for you. Troy: T.McC. Selma: Troy, darling, come to bed. I wanna the Troy McClure I remember from such films as "Make-Out King of Montana" and "The Electric Gigolo". [chuckles]

— Urgh..., "A Fish Called Selma"

Troy: Yeah, in a minute... darling. [hangs up] Well, she may be helping my career, but she's starting to cramp my style. Parker: Oh, who cares, the offers are rolling in. Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant. Troy: Those sick freaks?

— Look who's talking, "A Fish Called Selma"

Parker: Okay, then get this: I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in... brace yourself, the new McBain movie! Troy: McBain's sidekick? Hot damn! I'm going to Sea world!

— More shameless promotion, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: [menacing] Is this a sham marriage? Troy: Sure baby, is that a problemo?

— Fair enough, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: You _married_ me just to help you carreer? Troy: You make it sound so sordid, look: don't we have a good time together? Selma: Yes, but... Troy: Don't you have everything you ever wanted here? Money, security, a big hot flat rock for Jub Jub?

— Just what everyone would want, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: But... don't you love me? Troy: Sure I do! Like I love Fresca. Isn't that enough? The only difference between our marriage and any one else's is: we know ours is a sham.

— When you look at it this way..., "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: Are you gay? Troy: Gay? I wish! If I were gay they'd be no problem! No, what I have is a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all cost. You see... Selma: Stop!

— Aw, we were just about to hear it all, "A Fish Called Selma"

Troy: Sure, you'll be a sham wife, but you'll be the envy of every other sham wife in town!

— Wow, what a bargain!, "A Fish Called Selma"

Troy: One day, my lady Selma's gonna have a star right next to mine, so watch out... Laszlo Panaflex.

— That's some tough competition, "A Fish Called Selma"

ET Man: Tonight, all Hollywood's wondering who'll be chosen to co-star in the big new McBain pic, Mc Bain IV: Fatal Discharge. [phone rings] Parker: Oh, you're watching? Troy: Mac, you gotta get me that part! Parker: I will, but you gotta do something for me; problem is the big parts these days are all going to family men. Troy: But I already got married! Parker: Yeah, for a role like this, you gotta pour it on. You and your, er, wife have gotta have a baby. Troy: A baby, eh? What do I do? Parker: I'll send you over a pamphlet. Listen, you can't buy that kind of P.R., but you can get it for nothing by having a baby, which, by the way, your insurance will cover, except for the deductible which I'll reimburse you for if you get the part which you will if you have a baby. Troy: C'est Troi Bien! Parker: Okay. Now listen, let's talk baby names. You can't use Montana, Dakota or Florida, they're taken... Troy: Hmm... Oregon? Parker: Oh, Pacific North-West, very hot.

— "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: Having a child? That's a big step. Troy: You bet it is, think what it'll mean! Not just the McBain movie, but maybe my own fragrance: Smellin' of Troy.

— Troy's illusions of grandeur, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: Hmm... It is probably my last chance to be a mommy. Waiter: Cigarette, Mrs. McClure? Troy: You bet! From now on, she's smoking for two!

— "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: Er... come here, tiger! Troy: [growls, but doesn't know what to do next] Selma: Mmm... would you like some wine? Troy: Yes! [comes and drinks both his and Selma's glasses] [goes back to the door] [growls] Selma: Er... why don't you come over here, and make yourself more comfortable? Troy: No... why don't _you_ come over here and make _yourself_ comfortable?

— He _does_ need to learn the basics, "A Fish Called Selma"

Troy: I'm sorry, this whole concept's foreign to me. Who knew a baby would be so much work? Selma: Having a baby isn't supposed to be work, it's supposed to be an expression of the feelings we're supposed to have for each other. Troy: Oh. Like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad, remember how alive with pleasure they said we were?

— He's supposed to get it someday, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: Hmmm... Look, I'm sorry. A loveless marriage is one thing, we're not hurting anybody. But bringing a child into a loveless family is something I just can't do. Troy: [relieved] Great, we'll adopt! I'll call my agent, he'll find some kid who wants in on the deal.

— Macaulay Culkin or Tiffany perhaps, "A Fish Called Selma"

Come on Jub Jub. Let's go home and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.

— The perfect evening in perspective, "A Fish Called Selma"

In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders, newly-divorced comeback-kid Troy McClure has turned down the supporting lead in McBain IV to direct and star in his own pet project: The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel. Will the gambit pay off? 20th Century Fox is betting... it will. [20th Century Fox theme plays]

— Entertainment Tonight covers Troy's dumb project, "A Fish Called Selma"

Bart: Lisa, if I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me. Lisa: Will do.

— Let someone who still loves it do it, "The Day the Violence Died"

Tonight, a stowaway bear is terrorizing space shuttle astronauts. But first, a sneak peak at tomorrow's Itchy & Scratchy parade.

— Important news first, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart & Lisa: Bye Mom! Bye Dad! Homer: Bye Kids! On your way back, pick up a six-pack of beer.

— Homer J. Simpson cares for his family, "The Day the Violence Died"

Marge: Bart, Lisa, it's 11:00 at night. Where do you think you're going? Bart: Downtown. Lisa: We gotta get seats for the Itchy & Scratchy parade. Marge: I won't have my children sitting alone on a cold, dangerous street all night. Homer, you go too. Homer: Ohh... Why can't they just take the gun?

— Because they won't hire an assistant, "The Day the Violence Died"

Lisa: Hey, the comic book store is still open. Bart: Save our seats. Homer: Will do. [a couple takes their place] Man: Hello. Homer: [moans]

— Better luck in 25 years, "The Day the Violence Died"

Hey, my threads, baby!

— Scratchy in I&S Meets Fritz the Cat, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: How come I've never seen that Itchy & Scratchy before? Comic Book Guy: Perhaps because you are prepubescent ignoramus. This is a bootleg copy of "Itchy & Scratchy Meets Fritz the Cat". Because of its frank depiction of sex and narcotic consumption, it is not for infantile intellects such as yours. Now toodle-oo.

— Bart finally learns something about I&S, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: Cool! I'll give you ten bucks for that. Comic Book Guy: Are you the creator of Hi and Lois, because you are making me laugh. That drawing's worth exactly 750 dollars American. Bart: It's valuable, huh? Comic Book Guy: Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! go! for the good of the city! Bart: Loser.

— Sarcasm 101, "The Day the Violence Died"

Homer: Which one's Itchy? The car? Bart: The mouse. Homer: Oh. I guess it's not him then.

— If only they wore name tags, "The Day the Violence Died"

Dave: [in a wooden voice] Represented on this next float is Roger Myers Sr., who founded his company in 1921, and struck it big when he teamed up a mouse named Itchy with a cat named Scratchy. Here we see him creating the two comical characters out of thoughts he plucks from his head. Susan: [excited] And that man waving from the front of the float is his son, Roger Myers Jr! Oh, isn't this just the most fun you've ever had in your life, Dave? Dave: Yes Susan. It is.

— I hear ya loud and clear, "The Day the Violence Died"

Susan: Oh, now the parade has entered Bumtown! Oh, it's all just so exciting Dave! Dave: This certainly seems to be a poorly planned parade route.

— Quimby probably worked on it, "The Day the Violence Died"

Get out of Bumtown, you bum!

— A bum, "The Day the Violence Died"

Chester: He didn't create Itchy: I did. Bart: Huh? Chester: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.

— Yipes!, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: You invented Itchy? The _Itchy & Scratchy_ Itchy? Chester: Sure. In fact, I invented the whole concept of cartoon violence. Before I came along, all cartoon animals did was play the ukulele. I changed all that. Bart: Well, I'm not calling you a liar but... but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.

— Isn't that nice, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: I can't believe it. That was Itchy all right, you _did_ invent him. When people see this you'll be rich and famous! [turns over to the film, to see it burn in the projector] D'oh.

— The least I can say, "The Day the Violence Died"

Chester: That was a nice film I had once. Last time I try to impress a four-year-old.

— You were... the age Bart was... several years ago, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: You can't just go back to the gutter. You created Itchy, you should be a millionaire. Chester: Ah, Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the '20s. Why would he give me anything now? Bart: You asked Roger Myers _Sr._ for money. Roget Myers Jr. is in charge of the studio now. He's a good man; every Christmas he goes down to the pound and rescues one cat and one mouse and gives them to a hungry family.

— The compassion of Roger Myers Jr., "The Day the Violence Died"

The studio's closed until Tuesday; animators have A.A. on Monday.

— Chester's inside comment on cartoon animation, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: There's a box you can sleep in. Chester: Thanks. Bart: Just move that cot out of the way. Chester: Okay. Bart: Do you know what radon is? Chester: No. Bart: Good night.

— Pleasant dreams, "The Day the Violence Died"

Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement and Dad's upstairs!

— Lisa warns her mother, "The Day the Violence Died"

Homer: Oh, it's just Bart and a mysterious stranger.

— No need to worry, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: He's not a regular bum, Mom; he's a genius bum. He created Itchy _and_ he's the father of cartoon violence. [Snowball II runs away in fear]

— "The Day the Violence Died"

Myers: So let's review. You two screwballs have just strolled in here fresh from the sewer and given me a bunch of bulldink about creating Itchy with no proof at all, and you expect me to give you... how much? Chester: 800 billion dollars.

— A fair answer, "The Day the Violence Died"

Hutz: All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a thousand-dollar retainer. Bart: A thousand dollars? But your ad says "No money down". [shows his paper ad: "Works on contingency basis. No money down."] Hutz: Oh! They got this all screwed up... [makes a few corrections: "Works on contingency basis? No, money down!"] Bart: So you _don't_ work on a contingency basis? Hutz: No, money down! Oops, it shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either.

— Rewriting the laws by himself, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: Hey Dad, can I have a thousand dollars? Homer: All right... [gets his wallet] Wait a minute! For what? Bart: To pay for a lawyer, for my bum. Homer: Forget it!

— "The Day the Violence Died"

Grampa: I thought I recognized you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it. Chester: Those corn muffins were lousy. Grampa: Paint my chicken coop! Chester: Make me! [Abe jumps on him, and they fight on the floor]

— "The Day the Violence Died"

Marge: That does it! One of them has to go. Homer: Okay, Grampa. Marge: No, the B-U-M. Homer: [moans]

— The love of Homer for his father shows up yet again, "The Day the Violence Died"

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's an easy way to get rid of Chester without the guilt of sending him back to the gutter. And all it'll cost you is a thousand dollars.

— Bart pledges for Chester, "The Day the Violence Died"

You will also notice Mr. Myers' name and copyright notice on the original drawings of the other members of the Itchy & Scratchy family: Brown-Nose Bear, Disgruntled Goat, Flatulent Fox, Rich Uncle Skeleton and Dinner Dog.

— The Itchy & Scratchy family as it was born, "The Day the Violence Died"

Hutz: My client's film predates all of those things your Honor. Lawyer: Oh _yes_! I've forgotten! Your famous film, the one you destroyed before the trial and haven't been able to find another copy of! Oh yes, _that_ film. Hutz: Yes. You don't have a copy, do you?

— The first lesson of Law 101: Bring your _own_ evidence, "The Day the Violence Died"

Lawyer: Krusty, have you _ever_ seen this so-called animation genius before? Krusty: Yes I have. Lawyer: [surprised] You have? Krusty: I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Chester: Those blintzes were terrible. Krusty: Paint my fence! Chester: Make me! Krusty: [jumping on him] You give me back those blintzes! Judge: Order, order. We don't care about your blintzes.

— "The Day the Violence Died"

Hutz: Now, Mr. Lampwick, when Mr. Myers stole your character... Lawyer: Objection. Judge: Sustained. Hutz: Urgh! If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time today, I think I'm going to scream! Lawyer: Objection. Judge: Sustained. Hutz: [screams]

— He gave his word, "The Day the Violence Died"

The only characters Myers could ever come up with were pathetic stick figures with the words "Sarcastic Horse" and "Manic Mailman" printed on them. And they stank.

— Chester comments on Myers' talent, "The Day the Violence Died"

Hutz: Are you saying, _under oath_ Mr. Myers, that your father didn't steal any of the characters associated with your studio? Myers: Well, I don't think I _am_ under oath, but... yes, my father created them all. Except for Flatulent Fox, that was based on a true story.

— The inspiration of a cartoonist, "The Day the Violence Died"

Judge: Mr. Hutz, we've been in here for four hours. Do you have any evidence at all? Hutz: Well, your Honor, we've got plenty of hearsay and conjecture, those are _kinds_ of evidence.

— The eternal question: where did he get his diploma?, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: Keep the trial going, I'll be right back. Hutz: Your Honor, I'd like to call all of my surprise witnesses again. Audience: [moans]

— The usual, proven good ol' methods, "The Day the Violence Died"

To Roger Myers, keep drawing, your moxie more than makes up for your lack of talent. Your pal, Chester J. Lampwick, September 3, 1919

— Chester's word of encouragement to Myers, "The Day the Violence Died"

Myers: Okay, maybe my dad did steal Itchy, but so what? Animation is built on plagiarism! [lawyer slaps his forehead] If it weren't for someone plagiarizing the Honeymooners, we wouldn't have the Flintstones. If someone hadn't ripped off Sgt. Bilko, they'd be no Top Cat. Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum, Yogi Bear? Hah! Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney.

— Er, don't forget Yogi Berra, "The Day the Violence Died"

Myers: Your honor, you take away our right to steal ideas, where are they gonna come from? Her? [points at Marge] Marge: Uh... Hmm... How about... Ghostmutt?

— I see your point, "The Day the Violence Died"

The court rules in favor of Mr. Lampwick. Itchy & Scratchy Studios will pay a restitution of 800 billion dollars... though that amount will probably come down a bit on appeal.

— The judge delivers the verdict, "The Day the Violence Died"

Myers: I hope you're happy, kid; the studio's bankrupt. You just killed Itchy & Scratchy. [closes the studio's gate, bearing a "Out of business" sign] Bart: We killed Itchy & Scratchy? Chester: Good riddance. Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions. [smacks his lips]

— Can liver and onions be as funny as Itchy & Scratchy?, "The Day the Violence Died"

Well, Itchy & Scratchy are gone, but here's a cartoon that tries to make learning fun! [tries to laugh, then moans] Sorry about this kids, but stay tuned; we've got some real good toy commercials coming right up, I swear.

— Krusty (At least he's not showing Worker & Parasite), "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: What the hell is this? Lisa: It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation Xers. Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.

— "The Day the Violence Died"

Lisa: So it's true: some cartoons _do_ encourage violence. [punches Bart] Bart: Ow! We gotta get Itchy & Scratchy back. Lisa: And soon! [punches Bart] Bart: Ow! Lisa: [chuckles]

— And how, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: You've got to make more Itchy & Scratchy cartoons. Lisa: The judge says it's okay as long as you pay Mr. Lampwick royalties. Myers: Royalties! Hah! I don't have the money to _produce_ the cartoons. I lost everything. I can't even keep my dad's head in the freakin' cryogenics center anymore. [shot of a thawing icebox, which starts shaking] [sarcasticly] You're comfortable in there, daddy?

— So where's the rest of his body?, "The Day the Violence Died"

Chester: [as Kent Brockman walks in front of his gold house] Shoeshine, sir? Comb your hair for ya? Sir? [Kents walks away in contempt] Sir? Sir? Sir? Okay, catch you on the way back.

— After all, he only won $130 million, "The Day the Violence Died"

I don't need any more money, I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health, and my millions of dollars and my gold house and my rocket car, I don't need anything else.

— Chester, a simple man, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: Dad, can we have $183,000? Homer: [Gets his wallet] What for? Bart: Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons. Homer: Oh. Forget it!

— "The Day the Violence Died"

Lisa: [moans] I give up, there's nothing we can do. Bart: Yeah, I agree. You wanna start on trying to get Apu out of jail? Lisa: Okay. [they pull out "Public Nudity: Codes and Statutes"]

— A side of him we didn't know, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: What a perfect plan. Now, Roger Myers will tell as just... Myers: [announcing the studio's re-opening] And so when no one could think of a plan to resurect Itchy & Scratchy, a young boy, a wonderful irrepressible young boy, took it on his own to solve the problem. He discovered that the postal service's Mr. Zip. was just a rip-off of my father's stick figure character Manic Mailman. [crowd murmors] So the government gave me a _huge_ cash settlement, and Itchy & Scratchy Studios is back in business. [engines start up again] Thanks to you, Lester. [a Tracey-Ullman-era Bart comes on stage] Bart: What the hell is going on? Lisa: I don't know, but it looks like you might have a little competition all of a sudden. Lester: Thanks everybody, but I couldn't have done all this without the help of my brainy sister Eliza. [a Tracey-Ullman-era Lisa joins him] Lisa: [gasps]

— Bart and Lisa meet their alter egos, "The Day the Violence Died"

I do owe many thanks to Lester and Eliza. This is a great vindication for anybody who has ever taken a bath, went to get the paper, fell down, and the door slam behind them and the doorknow break off.

— A day in the life of Apu, "The Day the Violence Died"

Krusty: And I'd like to thank Lester for reuniting me with my estranged wife. [applause] Bart: I never even heard about that.

— They probably lost the script, "The Day the Violence Died"

Bart: I guess you don't need it now, but, we had a plan too. Myers: Hey, great, listen, write it down and mail it to last week, when I might've cared. I've got cartoons to make, kids.

— That's his way of saying "Thank you", "The Day the Violence Died"

Ah, Spring Break in Hong Kong; custom-made suits at slave labor prices.

— Principal Skinner, "Bart on the Road"

Bart: [reading from a handout] Go To Work With Your Parents Day? Skinner: [over the P.A.] Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day. Tomorrow you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations.

— Well, with the computers and all, "Bart on the Road"

Lisa: I still don't understand why you get to stay home and watch mom work. Bart: Because I've always been an advocate of women in the workplace, Lis. I can't help it if my mom's workplace contains our TV.

— All the benefits you need, "Bart on the Road"

Marge: Lisa, you'll have a fine time at the plant with dad. You've been interested in nuclear power for years. Lisa: I signed numerous petitions to shut down that plant. Marge: Well, there you go.

— "Bart on the Road"

Bart: Mom, you're blocking the TV. If you need something to do, you can fill out my form -- here. [hands Marge the form] Marge: [reading] Parent's occupation ... please note, homemaker is not allowed, as it is not real work, that's why you don't get paid for it ... ohhh.

— Nothing like being appreciated at work, "Bart on the Road"

Patty: Some days, we don't let the line move at all. Selma: We call those weekdays. [the gruesome twosome laugh] Patty: Good one.

— In the weekends we're closed, "Bart on the Road"

Homer: Donut? Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit? Homer: [offers some of the donut he's eating] This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

— Mmm, purple, "Bart on the Road"

Homer: Oh! This is a map of nuclear sites around the country. As a safety inspector, I'm responsible for changing most of these light bulbs. Lisa: Why are there so many burnt-out ones? Homer: 'Cause they won't hire me an assistant.

— I'm already overworked as the safety whatchamajigger, "Bart on the Road"

I guess watching me isn't any more exciting than being me.

— Homer (a little metahumor for y'all), "Bart on the Road"

Lisa: Maybe we can make your job more fun. [points to two radiation suits hanging on the wall] What are those? Homer: I dunno.

— How the devil should I know, I just work here, "Bart on the Road"

Boy, this is a lot more fun with a second person.

— Homer J. Simpson at work, "Bart on the Road"

I just gotta go laminate your license; you'll get it in two to three weeks.

— Quick service at the DMV, "Bart on the Road"

Milhouse: Twenty-five years old? You're not twenty-five years old. This ID is completely fake! Bart: Yes, you're right Milhouse. [takes ID back] It is a fake, which makes it a fake ID. Milhouse: A fake ID? Cool!

— Well, duh, "Bart on the Road"

I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

— Nelson after watching "Naked Lunch", "Bart on the Road"

Milhouse: [yells] Spring breeeak! Yeah! [pause, then quiet] Well, when _are_ we going to get rowdy? Bart: Maybe when we find something decent to do with this ID. Nelson: We could go rent a carpet shampooer.

— Bart and his fake ID, "Bart on the Road"

Martin: [to his flipping dog] Oh boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. [Nelson grabs Martin and tosses Flipsy out the window] [Flipsy gets run over by a car] Nelson: HA-ha!

— Well, maybe just I, then, "Bart on the Road"

Bart: [handing out envelopes] Gentlemen, for our road trip I have taken the liberty of preparing an airtight and utterly plausible alibi for use on our parents. [Milhouse at home...] Milhouse: I have been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada. [Martin at home...] Martin: I've been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada. [Nelson at home...] Nelson: [leaving his house] I'm goin' away for a week. See ya!

— Well, not plausible for Nelson, "Bart on the Road"

Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait; I wish I _was_ going. Is that right, Bart? Bart: I dunno. Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition? Bart: Maybe because you are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus." Lisa: That's not Latin. [to Marge] Mom, Bart's faking it. Marge: Lisa, you've had your glory. Now it's Bart's turn.

— Bart's alibi for the road trip, "Bart on the Road"

[Milhouse fiddles with knobs before getting a whap in the head from Nelson] Milhouse: Ow! Bart, Nelson hit me. Bart: He sure did.

— And it was a good one at that, "Bart on the Road"

A cup holder! Bart, we've got to stop and get a cup!

— Milhouse discovers the glove compartment, "Bart on the Road"

Marge: [answering phone] Hello? Oh, Homey, hello! I can't remember the last time you called me from wor-- oh, you want to speak with Lisa. [Lisa picks up the phone] Homer: Hi Lisa, how's your spring break going? Lisa: I'm learning about owls. Homer: Oh, owls, eh? So you probably wouldn't want to spend another day at work with me. Lisa: Sure I would. I can always learn about owls this summer at bird camp.

— Unless they break out and go mad, "Bart on the Road"

Martin: [wakes up and looks out the window] Oh! We've arrived in the vast cornfields of Canada. How much further to the grammar rodeo? Nelson: Grammar rodeo? We're going to a grammar rodeo? Bart: We're not going to a grammar rodeo. That was just an alibi, Milton. Milhouse: [whispers] Martin. Bart: Martin.

— Whoopsy-doodle, "Bart on the Road"

Well, I realize it's trite, but we could tour the bridges of Madison County.

— Martin's road trip plans, "Bart on the Road"

Hey, who has better vacation ideas than AAA? [reading a guidebook] According to the publisher of this AAA guidebook, no one.

— Milhouse's road trip plans, "Bart on the Road"

I've always wanted to see Macon, Georgia.

— Nelson's road trip plans, "Bart on the Road"

Milhouse: Wait! How about a fair? Not just a county fair, not just a Europe fair, but a World's fair -- the World's Fair in Knoxville, Tennessee. Bart: Keep reading. Milhouse: The Hungarians have built a giant motorized Rubik's cube, and the fair's symbol is the SunSphere, which sits atop a 266- foot tall steel shaft. Bart: What's inside? Milhouse: An information desk. B+N+M: Cooool!

— After all, we do live in the information age, "Bart on the Road"

Homer: You made it! You have any trouble getting past the security guards? Lisa: Security guards?

— At the nuclear power plant, "Bart on the Road"

The way I figure it, if the candy stays in the machine for more than a year, it's up for grabs.

— Homer and his rules, "Bart on the Road"

Smithers: [walks up] Simpson! What in God's name are you-- Lisa: [offers Smithers some candy] Zagnut bar, Mr. Smithers? Razzles? Skittles? Whachamacallit? Twizzlers? Homer: They all have hilarious names and are delicious. Smithers: Well I am partial to Jolly Ranchers. [takes one and eats it] Good work, Simpson. [walks a few steps, then looks back] Simpsons. [walks off]

— The hilariouser the name, the deliciouser the candy, "Bart on the Road"

Martin: Bart, can we stop for ice cream? Bart: Yes. [a little later, the boys all have cones] Nelson: Bart, can we weigh the car at that weigh station? Bart: Yeah. [a little later] Milhouse: Bart, can we pick up that hitchhiker? Bart: I don't see why not. [a little later, a disheveled hitchhiker rides between Martin and Nelson] Hitchhiker: Bart, can we stop for ice cream? Bart: Yes. [a little later, they all have cones again] Hitchhiker: Well, I don't think I was rehabilitated, but I guess they needed the extra bed.

— No orange shoes, I hope, "Bart on the Road"

Marge: With Bart gone and now you with your father, I'm not going to have anyone to -- Lisa: [75 RPM] Thanks mom, bye! [runs out the door] Marge: -- talk to.

— Marge the empty-nester, "Bart on the Road"

Nelson: What is this place? Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas -- if it were run by Ned Flanders. Nelson: [sees a sign extolling the virtues of an Andy Williams concert] Andy Williams! Bart: Aw, we don't need to stop here. Nelson: Yes we do. [punches Bart in the back of the head]

— Point well taken, "Bart on the Road"

Andy Williams: [singing off-camera] ...my huckleberry friend Moon river, and me. [audience applauds] Nelson: I didn't think he'd do "Moon River," but then -- bam! -- second encore!

— Nelson and Williams - who knew?, "Bart on the Road"

Lisa: Okay, time for truth or dare. You go first. Homer: Ehh, truth. Ask me anything. Lisa: Who do you love most: me, Bart, or Maggie? Homer: D'oh! All right, dare.

— Didn't we settle this at the hockey game?, "Bart on the Road"

Homer: Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura. Moe: Ura Snotball? Homer: What? How dare you? If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran. [hangs up]

— The shoe is on the other foot, eh?, "Bart on the Road"

Homer: ... Your turn. Lisa: Hmm, truth. Homer: Uh, do you have a crush on anyone? Lisa: Dad! Homer: I , oh, I won't tell anybody. Lisa: Dad, you tell everybody everything. Even Moe knew when I threw up on the dentist.

— Way to get Marge pregnant, "Bart on the Road"

Lisa: Okay. I like... Langdon Alger. Homer: I have no idea who that is.

— Homer and Lisa play `Truth or Dare', "Bart on the Road"

... and with my patented seminar, you will learn to corner the real estate market through hypnosis. Why waste your hypnotic powers on neighbors and coworkers when...

— I Can't Believe They Hypnotized Me, "Bart on the Road"

Bart: We got no car! Martin: We got no money! Milhouse: And no one knows we're here! B+Ma+Mi: We're stranded! Nelson: But on the plus side, I knocked over the SunSphere. [camera cuts back to wider angle] HA-ha.

— ...and crushed a new car, too! "Bart on the Road"

[at a pawn shop, Nelson grabs Milhouse's glasses] Milhouse: Hey! I need those to see. Pawnbroker: Ah, these lenses are perfect! Now I can re-bottom those antique Coke bottles. [opens the cash register, and begins counting out some money] Three hundred, four hundred, five hundred, six hundred... Milhouse: Hey! Come back! hey! [crashes into the pyramid of Coke bottles] Ow. Pawnbroker: [putting money back] ...five hundred, four hundred, three hundred, two hundred, one hundred, zero.

— Stranded in Tennessee with no money or glasses, "Bart on the Road"

[on phone with Bart] Lisa: Hmmm -- you could travel for free if you were a stewardess. [pause] Well, how badly do you want to get home? All right, all right, how about a courier, they travel for free, too. [pause] No, that's a terrier. They're dogs.

— Ruff ruff, anyone order a Bart dog?, "Bart on the Road"

Well, you sure don't look 25, but your unlaminated, out-of-state driver's license is proof enough for me.

— Dispatcher at a courier service to Bart, "Bart on the Road"

Homer: What's wrong, honey? Lisa: There's something troubling me, dad, but I don't think I can tell you because it's a secret. Homer: Ah, you don't have to tell me, but I thought we trusted each other with our secrets now. I mean, I haven't told a soul about your boyfriend. Lisa: Langdon Alger? Oh, I don't like him anymore.

— I was frustrated by his puzzledom, "Bart on the Road"

Lisa: Okay, but you gotta promise you won't get mad or tell anyone, especially Bart. Homer: I promise. Lisa: [Jenna von Oy-esque] Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson to a week out in Knoxville and their car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong! Homer: [face reddens, then returns to normal] Yes, that's a real pickle. Could you excuse me for a moment? [puts on the radiation suit hood, which muffles his voice] [yells his head off as the faceplate fogs up]

— I promised I _would_ get mad, "Bart on the Road"

Homer: All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him. Lisa: No, no! Then he'll know I told.

— Someone took a bite out of the Rice Krispie square, "Bart on the Road"

Marge: [answering] Hello? Oh hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. Good night. [hangs up] [the phone rings again] [answering] Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville. I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that. [hangs up] [the phone rings again] [answering] Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam. [Homer, who has dived under the covers, snorts] Homer, are you laughing at me?

— Postscript to "Bart on the Road"

Bart: Milhouse, do you ever think about the people in those cars? Milhouse: I try not to. It makes it harder to spit on 'em.

— Spit victims are people too, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

C'mon, it's eleven o'clock -- I need some sugar.

— Bart, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Sanjay: I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment. Apu: Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me. [Bart pays for his gum] Thank you, come again. You see? Most enjoyable. Sanjay: Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions. You will be there or kindly be square. Apu: Well, I don't like to leave the store... [dusts off a "back in 5 minutes" sign] ...but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for 19.99.

— The Proprietor Formerly Known as Apu, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Apu: [grabs a tofu dog off the grill] Quick, quick, no time to cook them -- they will plump in my stomach. [quickly eats the hot dog] [drinks some beer quickly and burps] [spots a pretty woman] Hello, beautiful. No ring, I see. So you are only arranged to be married. ["Freakazoid" plays on the stereo] Ooh, ooh, ooh, I love this song. Let us boogie. [grabs the girl, and sings along] I am a Freak-a-zoid, come on and wind me up... Ooh, I am hot. Let us get out of here. [Apu and the woman retire to a changing house] [Apu leaves, clothes askew and smoking] Don't worry, I'll tell everybody you were untouchable! [backs into the pool, dragging the other guests along with him in a domino fashion] Oh Sanjay, never have I partied so hearty. Same time next year, no? [gives Sanjay a high-five] A+S: Yeah!

— Apu Nahasapeemapetilan, party machine, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

"Swing Serenade" is brought to you by Gorman's Ear Guards. GUARD YOUR EARS! -- with Gorman's.

— A radio ad, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Lisa: Mom, someone threw gum in my hair. Marge: Are you sure? Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out.

— I doubt it, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Wait, if I remember my Heloise, the trick to getting out gum... is peanut butter.

— Marge, a little rusty on her mothering, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"