General Wisdom

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

— John G. Pollard

Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.

Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

— Olivier

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

— F. P. Jones

Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Expert, n.: Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.

F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!

f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

F: When into a room I plunge, I Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. Then I linger, darkly brooding On the poison they're exuding.

— The Roguelet's ABC

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.

Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.

Faith, n: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.

Fakir, n: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.

Familiarity breeds attempt

Families, when a child is born Want it to be intelligent. I, through intelligence, Having wrecked my whole life, Only hope the baby will prove Ignorant and stupid. Then he will crown a tranquil life By becoming a Cabinet Minister

— Su Tung-p'o

Famous last words:

Famous last words: (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." (2) "You and what army?" (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."

Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.

— Ambrose Bierce

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ...

— Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

— Oscar Wilde

Fats Loves Madelyn

Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...

Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.

Fifty flippant frogs Walked by on flippered feet And with their slime they made the time Unnaturally fleet.

FIGHTING WORDS Say my love is easy had, Say I'm bitten raw with pride, Say I am too often sad -- Still behold me at your side. Say I'm neither brave nor young, Say I woo and coddle care, Say the devil touched my tongue -- Still you have my heart to wear. But say my verses do not scan, And I get me another man!

— Dorothy Parker

Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.

Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake Corollaries: (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock.

— New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981

Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.

Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

Fine's Corollary: Functionality breeds Contempt.

Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: P.O. Box 35 Baffled Greek, Michigan

First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: Machines that piss people off get murdered.

— Pat Taber

First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).

First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.

"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"

— The Doctor, "Doctor Who"

First, a few words about tools. Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.

— Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.

— Robert Firth

FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....

Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!" "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper." Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium. "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...

— Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"

flowchart, n. & v.: [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.

— Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"

Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

Flying saucers on occasion Show themselves to human eyes. Aliens fume, put off invasion While they brand these tales as lies.

Fog Lamps, n.: Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".

Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.

— Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"

For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...

For a good time, call (415) 642-9483

For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.

"For an adequate time call 555-3321"

For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.

— H. L. Mencken

For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.

— R. Clopton

"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." "Whose?" "MINE! HA-HA!"

For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.

For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot ("part of this complete breakfast").

— Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"

For perfect happiness, remember two things: (1) Be content with what you've got. (2) Be sure you've got plenty.

For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.

— Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.

For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.

"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with computers altogether?"

— Jehan Shuman

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.

— Abraham Lincoln

"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."

— Johnny Carson

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.

— Justin Richardson.

For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!

Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.

fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. "Hey you, get off my plate"

— Roger Midnight

Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): Don't Write On Walls! (and underneath) You want I should type?

Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.

Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is that female oysters through their living habits cast out large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of fertilization ... HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many teenagers who read The Congressional Record.

FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: Q: Are you married? A: No, I'm divorced. Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ...

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A: I will be three months November 8th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A: No. Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? A: Picking them up in the air. Q: Where was the dog at this time? A: Attached to the ears.

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: Q: What is your name? A: Ernestine McDowell. Q: And what is your marital status? A: Fair.

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? A: No.

Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Oh, and have a nice day!

— Bryce Nesbitt '84

Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.

Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.

— David Ellis

Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.

Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.

Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck.

Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.

Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.

[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology Association, in Rome]: The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social schizophrenia in mass genocide.

From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

— Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"

[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made in Japan]: The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.

From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new experience in sound: 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading sound is normal for this type of connector.

From too much love of living, From hope and fear set free, We thank with brief thanksgiving, Whatever gods may be, That no life lives forever, That dead men rise up never, That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.

— Swinburne

Fuch's Warning: If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.

— Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

— H. H. Williams

Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.

G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And that's your chance, my boy."

Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!

— Adventures of Asterix.

Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't it? Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed individuals and then grow ... Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I think not, my friend, I think not.

— Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an extracurricular activity except you." "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" "Only to ten, Mudhead."

— Firesign Theater

"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.

GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.

Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).

— Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

— Elbert Hubbard

Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".

George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.

— Chicago Reader 10/15/82

George Orwell was an optimist.

George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.

— Ashley Cooper

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. (3) The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!

Gimmie That Old Time Religion We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! (chorus) (chorus) In the church of Aphrodite, The priestess wears a see-through nightie, She's a mighty righteous sightie, And she's good enough for me! (chorus) CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, 'Cause it's good enough for me!

Ginsberg's Theorem: (1) You can't win. (2) You can't break even. (3) You can't even quit the game. Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.

"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."

— Napolean

Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!

Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

— Eric Clapton

Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.

— Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982

Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Gnagloot, n.: A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to impress people.

— Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Go 'way! You're bothering me!

Go climb a gravity well!

Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof.

— National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"

//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH

God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter.

God doesn't play dice.

— Albert Einstein

"God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why would he lie about a thing like that?

— Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!

— Rev. Henry Ward Beecher

God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.

God is a polytheist.

God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's

God is real, unless declared integer.

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

— Pablo Picasso

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

— Alfred Jarry

God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.

God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board

— Mark Twain

God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.

— Kronecker

God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.

God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.

— Albert Einstein

God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.

God rest ye CS students now, Let nothing you dismay. The VAX is down and won't be up, Until the first of May. The program that was due this morn, Won't be postponed, they say. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, Comfort and joy, Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. The bearings on the drum are gone, The disk is wobbling, too. We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol Can't tell false from true. And now we find that we can't get At Berkeley's 4.2. (chorus)

Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.

Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.

— Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

Goldenstern's Rules: (1) Always hire a rich attorney (2) Never buy from a rich salesman.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

— La Rouchefoucauld

Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.

Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.

Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.

Good day to let down old friends who need help.

Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.

Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.

"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."

— George Saunders' dying words

Gordon's first law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.

"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time travel, you never can tell."

— Dr. Who

Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with time travel, you never can tell."

— Doctor Who "Androids of Tara"

Got Mole problems? Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23

Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.

— Ray Simard

Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.

— John Updike, "Couples"

Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.

Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much.

— Will Rogers

Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture.

Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Great minds run in great circles.

Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.

Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

"Grub first, then ethics."

— Bertolt Brecht

Gurmlish, n.: The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.

— Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"

Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.

— Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary

H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.

— Maxwell Bodenheim

H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, Slice him up before he slays you. Nothing makes you look a slob Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).

— The Roguelet's ABC

Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.

Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.

... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.