General Wisdom

Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism.

— Walter Lippmann

Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.

— P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan

Court, n.: A place where they dispense with justice.

— Arthur Train

Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.

— Wernher von Braun

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

— A. E. Newman

Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Croll's Query: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?

cursor address, n: "Hello, cursor!"

— Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"

"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

— Johnny Hart

"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

— Johnny Hart

Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.

Dare to be naive.

— R. Buckminster Fuller

Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.

Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."

Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.

\%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears

Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.

Dear Miss Manners: My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between courses, is all right. Which is correct? Gentle Reader: For the purpose of answering examinations in your home economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.

Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. Gentle Reader: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face ...

Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a dead bat? Answer: Yes.

— Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.

— Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

— R. Geis

Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.

"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'".

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down

Death is only a state of mind. Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.

Death to all fanatics!

Decision maker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped.

Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).

— Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.

Deck Us All With Boston Charlie Deck us all with Boston Charlie, Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! Nora's freezin' on the trolley, Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! Don't we know archaic barrel, Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. Trolley Molly don't love Harold, Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!

— Walt Kelly

"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.

— Randy Davis

default, n.: [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.

— Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"

DELETE A FORTUNE! Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it gets expunged.

Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."

Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland.

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

— George Bernard Shaw

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

— Senator Soaper

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

— G. B. Shaw

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

— H. L. Mencken

Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.

— Jawaharlal Nehru

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

— E. B. White

Democracy, n.: A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.

— U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), since withdrawn.

Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.

Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Despising machines to a man, The Luddites joined up with the Klan, And ride out by night In a sheeting of white To lynch all the robots they can.

— C. M. and G. A. Maxson

Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table.

— The Anarchist Cookbook

DETERIORATA Go placidly amid the noise and waste, And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss -- and when. Remember that two wrongs never make a right, But that three do. Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, And despite the changing fortunes of time, There is always a big future in computer maintenance. You are a fluke of the universe ... You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, the universe Is laughing behind your back.

— National Lampoon

DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.

Did I say 2? I lied.

Did you know ... That no-one ever reads these things?

Did you know that clones never use mirrors?

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?

Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and squirrel."

— ihuxw!tommyo

Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly.

— Elbert Hubbard

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

— John Barrymore's dying words

Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.

Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be yours too."

— Dave Haynie

Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Distinctive, adj.: A different color or shape than our competitors.

Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any damage inflicted on the vehicle.

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?

Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon.

Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.

"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup."

Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))

Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.

Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each day as it comes.

— Donald Kaul

Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.

Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.

Do you have lysdexia?

Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" "I've never done anything illegal before." "I thought you said you were an accountant!"

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.

— Dick Brandon

Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.

Don't be humble ... you're not that great.

— Golda Meir

Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.

Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!

— Joe Cointment

"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, sincerely, extremely dangerously. They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.

— Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"

Don't feed the bats tonight.

Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.

— Dave Storer

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

— Mark Twain

Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.

Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.

Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.

Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.

Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.

Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.

"Don't say yes until I finish talking."

— Darryl F. Zanuck

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

— Ambrose Bierce

Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!

— "Brazil"

Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.

— Walt Kelly

Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

— The Old Farmer's Almanac

"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."

— Howard Aiken

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

— Charles Schultz

Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.

Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?

Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she pretty? W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. W. C.: It's almost impossible.

— W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"

Double Bucky (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") Double bucky, you're the one! You make my keyboard lots of fun Double bucky, an additional bit or two: (Vo-vo-de-o!) Control and Meta side by side, Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! Double bucky, left and right OR'd together, outta sight! Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!

— (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.

Double-Blind Experiment, n.: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a belief in the tooth fairy.

Down with categorical imperative!

"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."

Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!

Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together ...

— Carl Zwanzig

Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued.

Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.

Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been discontinued.

During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there."

"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it."

— W. Somerset Maugham

E Pluribus Unix

Eagleson's Law: Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)

/earth is 98\% full ... please delete anyone you can.

Earth is a beta site.

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

— Jeff Berner

Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.

— Steve Rubenstein

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.

"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.

— John Kenneth Galbraith

Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith ...

— Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.

— Robert Orben

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.

— Edgar R. Fiedler

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

— Fred Allen

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

— Irsin Edman

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

— Bullwinkle Moose

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

— Adlai Stevenson

Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in season, eggs...

Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.

— Bellamy Brooks

Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Ehrman's Commentary: (1) Things will get worse before they get better. (2) Who said things would get better?

Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.

— Ronald Reagan, famous movie star

Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows why it would want to. The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.

— Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.

Elevators smell different to midgets

Emerson's Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.

— Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.

— Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.

— Jerome Lettvin

Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

Equal bytes for women.

Error in operator: add beer

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

— Woody Allen

Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."

— Mike Kellen

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

— Clarence Darrow

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."

— Will Rogers

"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."

— Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are.

Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available. No. How about ..."

— Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"

Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.

Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.

Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.

"Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two highly-motivated, caustic twits."

— Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.

— Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953

Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same color"], that does not exist.

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.

— Frank Moore Colby

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.

— Don Vonada

"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."

Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.

— Miguel de Cervantes

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

— Robert Orben

Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. It makes sense, when you don't think about it.

Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.

"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

— Beckett

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

— Dykstra

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.

Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.

Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being that a belch is more satisfying.

— Ingmar Bergman

Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.

Everything you know is wrong!

Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines.

— R. Buckminster Fuller

Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.

— Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"

Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.

Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

Excellent time to become a missing person.

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.

— W. Somerset Maugham

Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.