I always wake up at the crack of ice.
I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
I drink to forget I drink.
I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.
It pays to get drunk with the best people.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.
You only live once -- but if you work it right, once is enough.
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.
It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor -- as long as you've got money.
There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.
I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.
Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.
Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.