Lazarus Long

There's no saint like a reformed sinner.

There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.

Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.

— Machiavelli

They also serve who only stand and wait.

— John Milton

They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea.

— Francis Bacon

"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"

They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!

"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to like."

— Avon

Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.

— Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"

This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. We have emotional moving vans.

— Bruce Feirstein

This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.

— Lazarus Long

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.

Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.

— W.S. Krabill

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

— George Santayana

Those who don't know, talk. Those who don't talk, know.

Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.

To any truly impartial person, it would be obvious that I am always right.

To be great is to be misunderstood.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

To be is to be related.

— C.J. Keyser.

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.

To be who one is, is not to be someone else.

To be wise, the only thing you really need to know is when to say "I don't know."

To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent.

To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.

— Norman Douglas

To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.

To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.

To make an enemy, do someone a favor.

To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.

To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.

— Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"

To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.

Too clever is dumb.

— Ogden Nash

Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.

Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.

— Henrik Tikkanen

Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.

Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.

Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.

— Alan Watts

Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.

— Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"

Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.

— e.e. cummings

Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."

Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.

— Tom Robbins

Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- only the willingness to make it when necessary.

— Frederick Dunn

Virtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors.

— Confucius

Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.

— La Rochefoucauld

Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.

— Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"

Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.

Walk softly and carry a BFG-9000.

Walk softly and carry a big stick.

— Theodore Roosevelt

Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.

We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.

We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.

We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.

— Dr. Konrad Adenauer

We are all born mad. Some remain so.

— Samuel Beckett

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

— Oscar Wilde

We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.

— A. Schweitzer

We are anthill men upon an anthill world.

— Ray Bradbury

We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.

— Whole Earth Catalog

We are not loved by our friends for what we are; rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.

— Victor Hugo

We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.

— Jonathan Swift

We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine the substance that cast them.

We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.

— La Rochefoucauld

We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked.

We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.

— Eric Hoffer

We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement.

We only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we are free from great ones.

— La Rouchefoucauld

We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has forgotten its source.

— Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"

We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all.

We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.

We read to say that we have read.

We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.

We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.

— Thucydides

We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.

— Jean de la Bruyere

We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: EUPHEMISM REALITY ------------------- ------------------------- Excited about life's journey No concept of reality Spiritually evolved Oversensitive Moody Manic-depressive Soulful Quiet manic-depressive Poet Boring manic-depressive Sultry/Sensual Easy Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills Very human Quasimodo's best friend Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained Flexible Desperate Aging child Self-centered adult Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television

Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.

— James Thurber

Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide a grin.

— F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"

What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.

What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?

— Ashleigh Brilliant

What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice and they remain permanent influences on your life. Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".

— Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"

What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that is the first law of nature.

— Voltaire

What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.

What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way?

— H.G. Wells

What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no longer believe you.

— Nietzsche

What we see depends on mainly what we look for.

— John Lubbock

What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do with as you will.

— Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"

What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong with every one of us -- and that's "selfishness."

— The Best of Will Rogers

What's this stuff about people being "released on their own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on our own recognizance?

What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.

— Christopher Fry

Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like other people.

— James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"

Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.

When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.

— Samuel Johnson

When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a liar who has broken his promises.

— Franklin Adams

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

When among apes, one must play the ape.

When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.

When in doubt, do it. It's much easier to apologize than to get permission.

— Grace Murray Hopper

When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.

When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.

When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.

— H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"

When you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own.

When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

— Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"

When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.

When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the impression you will make.

WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something.

— Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

— Oscar Wilde

Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.

... whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.

— Richard Shelton

While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.

While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.

While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does.

While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.

— Dean Rusk

While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know that it's still there.

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.

Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?

Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?

Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they are another's.

— Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681

Why was I born with such contemporaries?

— Oscar Wilde

Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow.

— Rabelais

Will your long-winded speeches never end? What ails you that you keep on arguing?

— Job 16:3

Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.

With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I try to be a fraud and a half.

— Otto von Bismark

With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.

Words must be weighed, not counted.

Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.

— Anonymous

Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God I'm not respectable.

— Ruthven Campbell Todd

Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.

Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.

— Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.

You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.

— Philip Whalen

You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.

— Sherlock Holmes

You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.

You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.

You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.

— Katharine Fullerton Gerould

You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.

— Janis Joplin

You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.

You can't cheat an honest man. Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.

— W.C. Fields

You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.

You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.

— Peter Frampton

You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.

— Ayn Rand

You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.

— Booker T. Washington

You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.

— W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"

You can't play your friends like marks, kid.

— Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"

You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.

— Lauren Bacall

"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't."

— Dagwood Bumstead

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.

— Indira Gandhi

You cannot use your friends and have them too.

You don't have to be nice to people on the way up if you're not planning on coming back down.

— Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"

You don't have to explain something you never said.

— Calvin Coolidge

You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.

— Goethe

You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

— Yogi Berra

You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.

— John Viscount Morley

You humans are all alike.

You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!

— Dylan Thomas

You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.

— Maharbal

You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.

— Dean Webber

You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.

— Garfield

You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language is revenge.

— Peter Beard

You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.

— E.A. Gilliam

You know you're in trouble when... (1) You wake up face down on the pavement. (2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. (3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city. (4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday. (5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then remember that you don't have a waterbed. (6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.

You know you're in trouble when... (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your skirt is caught in your pantyhose. Especially if you're a man. (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. (3) Your income tax check bounces. (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye. (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day after you bought a waterbed. (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your spouse.

You know you're in trouble when... (1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. (2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any. (3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. (4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. (5) You wake up and your braces are locked together. (6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.

You know you're in trouble when... (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business. (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.

You know your apartment is small... when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. you have to go outside to change your mind. you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.

You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.

— Sydney Harris

You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him.

— Ed Howe

You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.

— Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"

You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties are merely deputies of that one.

— Nero Wolfe

You never gain something but that you lose something.

— Thoreau

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

You never go anywhere without your soul.

You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.

— William Blake

You never learn anything by doing it right.

You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

— Olin Miller.

"You say there are two types of people?" "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that don't." "Wrong. There are three groups: Those who separate people into three groups. Those who don't separate people into groups. Those who can't decide." "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into two groups?" "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" "Yeah." "So then there's a fifth group, right?" "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their minds."

You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"

— George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" [No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy. Ed.]

You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.

— Joseph Conrad

You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.

You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except incest and folk-dancing.

— A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"

You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put your feet in it and swish them around a little.

— Guindon

You want to know why I kept getting promoted? Because my mouth knows more than my brain.

— W.G.

You won't skid if you stay in a rut.

— Frank Hubbard

You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.

— From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell

You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.

— Smile, "Was (Not Was)"

You're always thinking you're gonna be the one that makes 'em act different.

— Woody Allen, "Manhattan"

You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.

— Eldridge Cleaver

You're never too old to become younger.

— Mae West

You've always made the mistake of being yourself.

— Eugene Ionesco

You've been telling me to relax all the way here, and now you're telling me just to be myself?

— The Return of the Secaucus Seven

Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct the defects of both.

— Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"

Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.

— George Chapman

Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young.

— Augustus Caesar

Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts ...Here's How You Can Tell Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They listed 10 signs to watch for: (3) Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. (6) Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. (8) Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." (10) Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.

— National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984. [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]

Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it.

Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.

— Richard Bach, "Illusions"