Lazarus Long

Scenery is here, wish you were beautiful.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.

"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."

Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.

— Graham Greene

Serenity through viciousness.

Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?

— J.M. Barrie

Shame is an improper emotion invented by pietists to oppress the human race.

— Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"

She often gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it).

— Lewis Carroll

Short people get rained on last.

Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.

Sin boldly.

— Martin Luther

Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.

Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).

— Lazarus Long

Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive.

— John Sloan

Since we're all here, we must not be all there.

— Bob "Mountain" Beck

Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.

So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.

— T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire

So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.

— Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"

Some men are discovered; others are found out.

Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.

— Samuel Butler

Some of the things that live the longest in peoples' memories never really happened.

Some people around here wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.

Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."

Some people have parts that are so private they themselves have no knowledge of them.

Some people's mouths work faster than their brains. They say things they haven't even thought of yet.

Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.

Someone will try to honk your nose today.

Something better... 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger. Like ... Wyoming. 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen minutes late. 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your own ear. 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. It's what's in it that matters. 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and it's goodbye, Seattle. 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps changing tempo. 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."

— Steve Martin, "Roxanne"

Something better... 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides? 16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone. 17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? 18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave. 19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. 20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He. 21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair? 22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine! 23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee ... in Brazil. 24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth capped. 25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?

— Steve Martin, "Roxanne"

Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.

— Benjamin Disraeli

Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the world.

— Robert Stone

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

— Lily Tomlin

Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

— David Letterman

Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.

Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.

— Dave Millman

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

— W.C. Fields

Start the day with a smile. After that you can be your nasty old self again.

Stay together, drag each other down.

Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth. Say, do you have a map to the next joint?

Stupidity is its own reward.

Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Success is a journey, not a destination.

Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

Success is in the minds of Fools.

— William Wrenshaw, 1578

Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.

— T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"

Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.

Such a fine first dream! But they laughed at me; they said I had made it up.

Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.

Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.

— Donald Kaul

Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!

Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.

Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.

— Jean Cocteau

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Take a lesson from the whale; the only time he gets speared is when he raises to spout.

Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

— Euripides

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.

— B. Franklin

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Tell me what to think!!!

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?

— A. Hope

"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"

— Foghorn Leghorn

That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.

— Moliere

That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.

That's always the way when you discover something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.

— Evelyn E. Smith

The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.

— Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that he is already degraded.

— George Orwell

The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.

— Albertano of Brescia

The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just terrible.

— Jean Kerr

The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.

— Blair

The best portion of a good man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.

— Wordsworth

The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom.

— Clarence Darrow

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.

The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.

The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing and humiliating reality.

— Oscar Wilde

The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.

— Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.

The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia is thinking that they're conspiring.

— J. Kegler

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.

— Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"

The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.

The distinction between true and false appears to become increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.

— Arne Tiselius

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons rests on mutual help.

— Laukikanyay.

The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend of both parties tactfully interferes.

— G.K. Chesterton

The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is your move.

— Frank Crane

The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.

— Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"

The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have answered themselves.

— Arthur Binstead

The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.

The greatest remedy for anger is delay.

The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.

The hatred of relatives is the most violent.

— Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)

... the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.

The help people need most urgently is help in admitting that they need help.

The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of adventurous youth.

— Benjamin Cardozo

The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein -- it rejects it.

— P. Medawar

The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.

— David Gerrold

The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.

— Quintus Ennius

The important thing is not to stop questioning.

The kind of danger people most enjoy is the kind they can watch from a safe place.

The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable.

— Irving Howe

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.

— Fred Allen

The Least Successful Defrosting Device The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips got stuck fast." While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away. "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of... muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer. He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot Lips".

— Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"

The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes so many of them.

— Abraham Lincoln

The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

The major advances in civilization are processes that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.

— A.N. Whitehead

The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.

— H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

— Carl Jung

The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.

The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same being who produces the impressions.

— Marquis D.A.F. de Sade

The more I know men the more I like my horse.

The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.

— Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696

The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.

The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does not approach what your best friends say behind your back.

— Alfred De Musset

The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

— Lucille S. Harper

The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

— H.L. Mencken

The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

— Oscar Wilde

The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.

The only rose without thorns is friendship.

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.

— Oscar Wilde

The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge and guilt.

— Elvis Costello

The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

— Oscar Wilde

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

— Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"

The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".

The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.

The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are. In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the person you have always wanted to be.

— Nancy Friday

The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later.

... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in charity we can only call "inhuman."

— R. A. Lafferty

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

— Elizabeth Taylor

The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper thoughts about their neighbours.

— F.H. Bradley

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

— George Bernard Shaw

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.

"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"

The second best policy is dishonesty.

The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.

The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.

— Marcus Tullius Cicero

The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.

The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition -- that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live by the values he wills.

— Nietzsche

The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have yet to learn -- only the savage fears what he does not understand.

— The Silver Surfer

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

— Nietzsche

The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.

The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?

— Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

— Sid Caesar

The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.

— Andre Malraux

The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.

— Miguel de Cervantes

The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.

— Nathaniel Howe

The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.

The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.

The wise man seeks everything in himself; the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.

The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.

The wonderful thing about a dancing bear is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

— E.B. White

The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.

The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.

— G.B. Shaw

The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."

— King Lear

The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.

— Bette Midler

The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.

— G.B. Shaw

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.

— William Butler Yeats

The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.

— David Viscott

Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of his real problems. The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can stand to live with.

— R. Geis

There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so.

There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably avoiding a great deal of pain.

There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.

— Eugene Ionesco

There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.

There are no great men, buster. There are only men.

— Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"

There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.

— Admiral William Halsey

There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.

— Helen Rowland

There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.

— Josh Billings

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

— Woody Allen

There comes a time to stop being angry.

— A Small Circle of Friends

There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. --Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles

There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

There is brutality and there is honesty. There is no such thing as brutal honesty.

There is no delight the equal of dread. As long as it is somebody else's. --Clive Barker

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.

There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.

— Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"

There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.

— Gaius Valerius Catullus

There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who comes to visit.

There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, and that word is blackmail.

— Colm Brogan

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.

— Robert Benchley

There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.

There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.