Calvin and Hobbes

That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

— Calvin

The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!

— Calvin

Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you? Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius.

— Calvin

Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.

— Calvin

Calvin: Can you make a living playing silly games? His Dad: Actually, you can be among the most overpaid people on the planet.

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.

— Calvin

The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.

— Calvin

Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!

— Calvin

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

— Calvin

It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.

— Calvin

The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.

— Calvin

Calvin: Know what I pray for? Hobbes: What? Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference.

— Calvin

I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

— Calvin

But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!

— Calvin

It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.

— Calvin

Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?

— Calvin

Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe? Calvin: The Horrendous Space Kablooie!

If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.

— Calvin

Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?!

— Calvin

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night.

— Calvin

This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ...

— Hobbes

You can present the material, but you can't make me care.

— Calvin

YAAH! DEATH TO OATMEAL!

— Calvin

From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way.

— Calvin

I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life ... Procrastinating and rationalizing.

— Calvin

Reality continues to ruin my life.

— Calvin

Calvin: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice.

I liked things better when I didn't understand them.

— Calvin

Is it a right to remain ignorant?

— Calvin

I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.

— Calvin

Miss Wormwood: What state do you live in? Calvin: Denial. Miss Wormwood: I don't suppose I can argue with that...

What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?

— Calvin

My life needs a rewind/erase button.

— Calvin

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

— Calvin

You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.

— Calvin

I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it.

— Calvin

Susie: You'd get a good grade without doing any work. Calvin: So? Susie: It's wrong to get rewards you haven't earned. Calvin: I've never heard of anyone who couldn't live with that.

If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to make some!

— Calvin

"MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?" "No, Calvin." "CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?" "No, Calvin." "Then can I have a cookie?" "No, Calvin." ("She's on to me.")

I like to say "quark"! Quark, quark, quark, quark!

— Calvin

I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.

— Calvin

For your information, I'm staying like this, and everyone else can just get used to it! If people don't like me the way I am, well TOUGH BEANS! It's a free country! I don't need anyone's permission to be the way I want! This is how I am - Take it or leave it!

— Calvin

Know what I pray for? The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't and the incapacity to tell the difference.

— Calvin

As usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight.

— Calvin

If we don't all watch the same TV, what will keep our culture homogeneous?

— Calvin

My behaviour is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic co-dependency. I need holistic healing and wellness before I'll accept any responsibility for my actions.

— Calvin

My family is dysfunctional and my parents won't empower me. Consequently I'm not self actualized.

— Calvin

Nothing I do is my fault.

— Calvin

Why should I have to work for everything? It's like saying that I don't deserve it.

— Calvin

Why do we drink cow's milk? Who was the first guy who first looked at a cow and said "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"?

— Calvin

Hobbes : What if the public doesn't like your work? Calvin : They are not supposed to like it. This is avant-garde stuff! I'm criticizing the low brows who can't appreciate great art like this!

I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.

— Calvin

The dame was hysterical. Dames Usually are.

— Calvin as Tracer Bullet

Thank you. before I begin, I'd like everyone to notice that my report is in a professional, clear plastic binder...When a report looks this good, you know it'll get an A. That's a tip kids. Write it down.

— Calvin

Calvin : I think we have got enough information now, don't you? Hobbes : All we have is one "fact" that you made up. Calvin : That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few illustrations and a conclusion, it'll look like a graduate thesis.

Wormwood : Calvin, how about you? Calvin : Hard to say ma'am. I think my cerebellum just fused.

If you want to stay dad you've got to polish your image. I think the image we need to create for you is "repentant but learning".

— Calvin

"Dad buried in landslide! Jubilant throngs fill streets! Stunned father inconsolable - demands recount!"

— Calvin

Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made. But it is too late to change anything.

— Calvin

Sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. We are so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take the time to enjoy where we are.

— Calvin

Hobbes : Well, you still have afternoons and weekends Calvin : That's when I watch TV.

Hobbes : Shouldn't we read the instructions? Calvin : Do I look like a sissy?

You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude. Yeah, you can't be cool if you don't have an attitude.

— Calvin

Why can't I ever build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere?

— Calvin

Sometimes one should just look at things and think about things without doing things.

— Calvin

What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with lassie? A melon-collie baby! Get it?? HA HA HA OH OH HA HA!

— Calvin

Hobbes : How is the diorama coming along? Calvin : I'm almost finished. Hobbes : I don't see the roadrunner. Weren't you going to put one in? Calvin : See the cotton balls I glued down? Hobbes : Yeah? Calvin : The roadrunner just ran out of the scene leaving behind clouds of dust!

It must be awful to be a girl. I'm sure it's frustrating knowing that men are bigger, stronger and better at abstract thought than women. Really, if you are a girl, what would make you go on living? -

— Calvin, Dictator-For-Life, of GROSS (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS)

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

— Calvin

Golly, I'd hate to have a kid like me!

— Calvin

This is so cool I've to go to the bathroom.

— Calvin

I imagine girls and bugs have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it.

— Calvin

Dad are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all the opportunities you botched ?

— Calvin

If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you don't care nothing matters so you are never upset.

— Calvin

Life is full of surprises but never when you need one.

— Calvin

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

— Calvin

"The dynamics of inter-being and mono logical imperatives in Dick and Jane : A study in psychic transrelational gender modes". Academia, here I come.

— Calvin

Miss Wormwood : Calvin where was the Byzantine empire? Calvin : I'll take "outer planets" for $100.

How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored?

— Calvin

I thrive on change... I thrive on making other people change.

— Calvin

Be careful or be road-kill.

— Calvin

A good compromise leaves everyone mad.

— Calvin

Given that sooner or later we're all just going to die, what's the point of learning about integers?

— Calvin

Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a little circle and have a little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders since it is less wasteful.

— Calvin

The only skills I have patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.

— Calvin

"You don't get to be mom if you can't fix everything just right."

— Calvin

"If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it."

— Hobbes

"Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth."

— Calvin

"If we wanted more leisure, we'd invent machines that do things less efficiently."

— Calvin's dad

"To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible."

— Calvin

"When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade." -Susie "I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!"

— Calvin

"If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?"

— Hobbes

"But the important thing is persistence."

— Calvin trying to juggle eggs

"I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment."

— Calvin

"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless."

— Calvin

"It's hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you're asleep."

— Calvin

"Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers."

— Hobbes being sarcastic

"Someday I'll write my own philosophy book."

— Calvin

"Some things don't need the thought people give them."

— Hobbes

"Mom knows EVERYTHING"

— Calvin

"I'm a simple man with complex tastes."

— Calvin

"Endorsing products is the American way of expressing individuality."

— Calvin

"One of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and therefore more intense."

— Calvin sniffing mustard

"It's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas."

— Calvin

"That's the problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder."

— Calvin

"All this modern technology just makes people try to do everything at once."

— Hobbes

"I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life."

— Hobbes

"I don't understand this! Not a single part of my horoscope came true! ... The paper should print Mom's daily predictions. Those sure come true."

— Calvin

"I don't know which is worse, ...that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low."

— Calvin

"I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside."

— Calvin

It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things.

— Calvin

"That's the problem with nature, something's always stinging you or oozing mucous all over you. Let's go and watch TV."

— Calvin

As a math atheist, I think I should be excused from this.

— Calvin, to Hobbes

This game lends itself to certain abuses.

— Calvin

I'm just very selective about the reality I choose to accept.

— Calvin

I have plenty of common sense, I just choose to ignore it.

— Calvin

A voice crackles in Calvin's radio: "Enemy fighters at two o'clock!" "Roger. What should I do until then?"

I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello...?

— Calvin

"My ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral release phantasmatron! I'm a genius!"

— Calvin

"That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder."

— Calvin

"Until you stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone." --- Hobbes

"The inside of my head was exploding with fireworks. Fortunately, my last thought turned out the lights when it left."

— Calvin

"Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it."

— Calvin

Verbing weirds language.

— Calvin.

"The intrepid Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet! ..our hero ruefully acknowledges that this happens fairly frequently.."

— Calvin and Hobbes