The Simpsons

As far as anyone knows we're a nice, normal family.

— Homer Simpson, There's No Disgrace Like Home

It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

— Homer Simpson, Simpson's Roasting on an Open Fire

Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star. Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

— The Call of the Simpsons

Yeah. Wait a minute. It's the guy from TV. My kid's hero...Cruddy...Crummy...Krusty the Clown!

— Homer Simpson, Krusty Gets Busted

Uh, so. Let's have a conversation. Uh, I think we'll find that we have very little in common.

— Homer Simpson, The Last Temptation of Homer

Don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love.

— Homer Simpson, Lisa on Ice

I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with a muumuu.

— Homer Simpson, King-Size Homer

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them.

— Homer Simpson, Treehouse of Horror VII

Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.

— Homer Simpson, Lisa the Vegetarian

You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and, God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

— Homer Simpson, There's No Disgrace Like Home

Lisa: So gambling makes a good thing even better? Homer: That's right. My God, it's like there's some kind of bond between us.

— Lisa the Greek

Jeez. No beer ... no opera dogs ...

— Homer Simpson, Bart the Genius

You're everywhere. You're omnivorous.

— Homer Simpson, to God. There's No Disgrace Like Home

I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who rollerskate and smoke cigars?

— Homer Simpson, on Heaven. The Telltale Head

You know something, folks, as ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string.

— Homer Simpson. Homer's Night Out

Could this be the best day of my life?

— Homer Simpson. Homer the Heretic

Kirk: One day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day you're thawin'a hot dog in a gas station sink. Homer: Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna happen to me.

— A Milhouse Divided

See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled. Now, how's that for freedom of choice.

— Homer Simpson. The Crepes of Wrath

The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters -- or as I call them, `the gruesome twosome.'

— Homer Simpson. Krusty Gets Busted

I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

— Homer Simpson. Homer the Heretic

Mmm...incapacitating.

— Homer Simpson. The Springfield Connection

Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.

— Homer Simpson. Homer Goes to College

Listen, you big, stupid space-creature. Nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons!

— Homer Simpson. Treehouse of Horror

I wore my extra loose pants for nothing. Nothing!

— Homer Simpson. New Kid on the Block

You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!

— Homer Simpson. Dead Putting Society

Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose.

— Homer Simpson. Dead Putting Society

As I got up in front of them, I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle.

— Homer Simpson. Dancin' Homer

Homer: What?! Flanders! You're the Devil? Devil Flanders: Ho-oh, it's always the one you least suspect.

— Treehouse of Horror IV

D'oh! English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's smoke.

— Homer Simpson, talking Barney into cutting class. The Way We Was

They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.

— Homer Simpson. Colonel Homer

I want to share something with you -- the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, `Cover for me.' Number two, `Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, `It was like that when I got here.'

— Homer Simpson. One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Bluefish

Always remember that you're representing our country. I guess what I'm saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.

— Homer Simpson. The Crepes of Wrath

I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

— Homer Simpson. The Front

Barney: Boy, you never stop eating and you don't gain a pound. Homer: It's my metaba-ma-lism. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.

— The Way We Was

Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of makebelieve. With flowers and bells and leprechauns. And magic frogs with funny little hats...

— Homer Simpson. Blood Feud

Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

— Homer Simpson. Lisa's Substitute

Holy Moly! The bastard's rich!

— Homer Simpson. Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

Love isn't hopeless. Look, maybe I'm no expert on the subject, but there was one time I got it right.

— Homer Simpson. Another Simpson's Clip Show

First Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun of the way I talk -- probably -- now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that's it!

— Homer Simpson. Two Bad Neighbors

If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise!

— Homer Simpson. Flaming Moe's

Keep brain from freezing.

— Homer Simpson. Simpson and Delilah

Lurleen, I can't get your song outta my mind. I haven't felt this way since `Funky Town.'

— Homer Simpson. Colonel Homer

Marge: Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead? Homer: Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need one hundred and fifty dollars here.

— There's No Disgrace Like Home

Marge: Homer, you're his father. You've got to reason with him. Homer: Oh, that never works. He's a goner!

— Bart the Daredevil

I thought there was chocolate inside ... Well, why was it wrapped in foil?

— Homer Simpson. Mr. Plow

I don't care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk -- end of story.

— Homer Simpson. When Flanders Failed

Well, you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

— Homer Simpson. Homer Defined

Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you. Homer: Why you little -- !

— Like Father Like Clown

I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard. And -- and I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises -- you got it?

— Homer Simpson. Treehouse of Horror II

Homer: I'm a bad father! Selma: You're also fat! Homer: I'm also fat!

— Saturdays of Thunder

Foul temptress. I'll bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy, too!

— Homer Simpson. The Last Temptation of Homer

Homer: No TV and No Beer Make Homer ... something something. Marge: Go crazy? Homer: Don't mind if I do!

— Treehouse of Horror V

It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the eighties. Those were idealistic days: the candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of Supertramp. It was an exciting time to be young.

— Homer Simpson. I Married Marge

Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.

— Homer Simpson. Burns, Baby Burns

Homer: I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt. Bart: We've seen it, Dad.

— Homer at the Bat

Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right -- no, the duty -- to make a complete ass of myself.

— Homer Simpson. Dancin' Homer

Herb: I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there! And I want to pay you two hundred thousand dollars a year! Homer: And I want to let you!

— Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

Homer: There couldn't be heaven if there weren't a hell. Bart: Who's in there? Homer: Oh, uh ... Hitler's dog. And that dog Nixon had, whassisname, um, Chester ... Lisa: Checkers. Homer: Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one -- the one that mauled Jimmy.

— Dog of Death

Losers! Losers! Kiss my big Springfield behind, Shelbyville!

— Homer Simpson. Homer Loves Flanders

The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me.

— Homer Simpson. Treehouse of Horror III

Karl: You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony and it's only a matter of time until they find you out. Homer: (gasps) Who told you?

— Simpson and Delilah

Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus? Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.

— Homer's Barbershop Quartet

Kirk: What makes you guys so special? Homer: Because Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken: a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.

— A Milhouse Divided

Ah, sweet pity: where would my love life have been without it?

— Homer Simpson. I Love Lisa

Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world.

— Homer Simpson. El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro Jomer

Bart: So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better? Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?

— The Telltale Head

I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress 'em up, and make 'em reenact the Civil War! Heh, heh, heh!

— Homer Simpson. Homer the Great

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

— Homer Simpson. Boy-Scoutz n the Hood

Homer: Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away. Bart and Lisa: Noooooo! Homer: Mainly your mother.

— Two Dozen and One Greyhounds

Homer: Okay, okay, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders! Homer's Brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater everyday, and -- Homer: The Springfield River!

— Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily

It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever.

— Homer Simpson. Homer Goes To College

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?

— Homer Simpson. Marge Be Not Proud

Stealing?! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name?

— Homer Simpson. Marge Be Not Proud

Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

— Homer Simpson. Homer the Vigilante

Homer: Little baby batter, Can't control his bladder! Burns: Mmm...Crude, but I like it. What do you say we freshen up out little drinkie poos? Homer: Don't mind if I do.

— Dancin' Homer

Homer: Hey, Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win. Flanders: Actually, Simpson, we were praying that no one gets hurt.

— Dead Putting Society

Asleep at the switch! I wasn't asleep! I was drunk!

— Homer Simpson. Homer the Vigilante

Hey! Let's do that 2,000-pound man thing. I'll be that Carl Reiner guy, and you be what's-his-face.

— Homer Simpson. Homer vs. Patty and Selma

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

— Homer Simpson. Bart the Fink

Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere?

— Homer Simpson. Homer the Heretic

And anyone can be tooted?

— Homer Simpson, on tutoring. The Way We Was

Flanders: Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us friends. Homer: To Ned Flanders, the richest left-handed man in town.

— When Flanders Failed

There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service. But those were all dead ends. I think this chair is the answer.

— Homer Simpson. Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?

Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders! Homer: He was a zombie?

— Treehouse of Horror III

If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

— Homer Simpson. Homer and Apu

See you in hell, candy boys!!

— Homer Simpson. Homer Badman

All right. His story checks out.

— Homer Simpson, checking in the encyclopedia under "Bush, George". Two Bad Neighbors

I didn't want a hokey second wedding like those ones on TV! This one's for real!

— Homer Simpson. A Milhouse Divided

Hmmm, look at those eyes. He's trying to hypnotize me, but not in the good Las Vegas way.

— Homer Simpson. Mountain of Madness

Marge! I'm two-thirty-nine, and I'm feeling fine!

— Homer Simpson. Brush With Greatness

I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kinda mad too ... I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong and that'll be that.

— Homer Simpson. Brother from the Same Planet

Well if it isn't the leader of the weiner patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons!

— Homer Simpson. Boy-Scoutz n the Hood

Yeah. Maybe I do have the right ... What's that stuff?

— Homer Simpson. Deep Space Homer

And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.

— Homer Simpson. Bart vs. Thanksgiving

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman -- and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

— Homer Simpson. The Springfield Connection

Hello? Yes? Oh! Heh, heh, uh ... if you're looking for that big donut of yours ... um, Flanders has it. Just smash open his house. (Closing the door.) He came to life. Good for him.

— Homer Simpson. Treehouse of Horror VI

He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.

— Moe Syzlak. Flaming Moe's

Wh ... what's going on? Wh ... wha ... why am I on a Japanese box?

— Homer Simpson. In Marge We Trust

Wait a minute, Marge. I saw "Mrs. Doubtfire." This is a man in drag!

— Homer Simpson. Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious

Abe: I used to be `with it.' But then they changed what `it' was. Now what I'm `with' isn't `it' and what's `it' seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you. Homer: No way, man. We're gonna keep on rockin' forever!

— Homerpalooza.

Yes! Oh, yes! Read it and weep! In your face -- I got more chicken bone!

— Homer Simpson. When Flanders Failed

Must destroy mankind! (His watch alarm goes off) Ooh, lunchtime!

— Homer Simpson. Homer Goes To College

Okay, Marge, as long as we're traumatizing the kids, I have a scandalous story of my own.

— Homer Simpson. Another Simpsons Clip Show

Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life? Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

— A Milhouse Divided

Out at five, catch General Sherman at five-thirty, clean him at six, eat him at six-thirty, back in bed by seven with no incriminating evidence. Heh heh heh. The perfect crime.

— Homer Simpson. The War of the Simpsons

Pfft. Now you tell me.

— Homer Simpson, finding out that working at a nuclear plant can make one sterile. I Married Marge

I'll work from midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love, then I'm off to the power plant fresh as a daisy.

— Homer Simpson. Lisa's Pony

Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit that referee with a whiskey bottle. 'Member that?

— Homer Simpson. Whacking Day

Come here, you little raven!

— Homer Simpson. Treehouse of Horror

Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her -- during the commercial.

— Homer Simpson. Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious

Homer: The secret ingredient is -- Moe: Homer, no! Homer: Cough syrup! Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter children's cough syrup!

— Flaming Moe's

Hee, hee! I can be a jerk and no one can stop me!

— Homer Simpson. Itchy & Scratchy Land

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the lightbulb.

— Homer Simpson. Bart the Genius

It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this.

— Homer Simpson. Bart the Genius

Dammit, I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. It's too late to teach this old dog new tricks.

— Homer Simpson. Homer's Odyssey

That shot is impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!

— Homer Simpson. Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield

Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise. Pump Jockey: It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump. Homer: Whew, I was afraid it was my transmission.

— Homer's Triple Bypass

Rock 'n' Roll had become stagnant. `Achy Breaky Heart' was seven years away. Something had to fill the void, and that something was barbershop.

— Homer Simpson. Homer's Barbershop Quartet

Flanders! My socks feel dirty! Gimme some water to wash 'em!

— Homer Simpson. Boy-Scoutz n the Hood

Kent: Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing? Homer: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.

— Homer the Vigilante

Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all of those things go away, we'll have sex.

— Homer Simpson. Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy

It works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi ... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!

— Homer Simpson. Two Bad Neighbors

Um, it's like, uh ... did anyone see the movie `Tron'?

— Homer Simpson. Treehouse of Horror VI

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills.

— Homer Simpson. Homer the Smithers

You can't depend on me all your lives. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.

— Homer Simpson. Homer Defined

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!

— Homer Simpson. There's No Disgrace Like Home

Homer: This place is depressing. Grampa: Hey! I live here. Homer: Oh, well, I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it.

— Homer Simpson. Bart vs. Thanksgiving

Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious. Homer: Well, thank you, honey.

— Homer Simpson. Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment

Selma: It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine. Homer: Take it to the hoop, Selma!

— Homer Simpson. Principal Charming

Burns: Good Lord, Smithers! You look atrocious. I thought I told you to take a vacation. Homer: Uh, Smithers already left, sir. I'm his replacement, Homer Simpson.

— Homer the Smithers

Bart: Oh, cheer up, Mom. You can't buy publicity like that. Thousands and thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford. Homer: You can call them Whitey-whackers!

— Homer Simpson. The Twisted World of Marge Simpson

Oh, `no attitude,' eh? Not `in your face,' huh? Well, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly!

— Homer Simpson. The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show

Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town. Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

— There's No Disgrace Like Home

Two-hundred-thirty-nine pounds?! I'm a blimp! Why are all the good things so tasty?

— Homer Simpson. Brush With Greatness

And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which is yet to cause a single proven fatality, at least in this country.

— Homer Simpson. Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

— Homer Simpson. Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

Bart: I had a fight with Milhouse. Homer: That four-eyes with the big nose? You don't need friends like that. Lisa: How Zen.

— Homer Simpson. Homer Defined

Homer: Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI. Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Ya happy?

— The Springfield Files

Flanders: They're not perfect, but the Lord says love they neighbor -- Homer: Shut up, Flanders. Flanders: Okely-dokely-do.

— Hurricane Neddy

Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it's be fun and exciting, like the movie `Spaceballs.' But instead, it's been painful and disturbing, like the movie `Police Academy.'

— Homer Simpson. The Springfield Connection

Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel? Homer: Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.

— Homer Simpson. Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily

That's fine for you, Marge. But I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of this rut and back into the groove!

— Homer Simpson. Homerpalooza

Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later, during the designated break periods. Sincerely, Homer Simpson.

— Homer Simpson. Homer's Enemy

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

— Homer Simpson. Lisa the Greek

Apu: You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something? Homer: Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone.

— Homer's Night Out

Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddys, and kids with fake IDs.

— Homer Simpson. The Springfield Files

Marge: Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six servings a week? Homer: Marge, I'm only human.

— Principal Charming

Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from Happyland in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

— Homer Simpson. Flaming Moe's

I may just quit my job at the plant to become a full-time stock market guy.

— Homer Simpson. Burns Verkaufen Der Kraftwerke

Why did this have to happen now, during prime time, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine?

— Homer Simpson. Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?

Oh my God, someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait, it's for Bart.

— Homer Simpson. Cape Feare

It all happened during the magical summer of 1985. A maturing Joe Piscopo left `Saturday Night Live' to conquer Hollywood; People Express introduced a generation of hicks to plane travel; and I was in a barbershop quartet.

— Homer Simpson. Homer's Barbershop Quartet

Burns: I can't understand a word you're saying. Homer: My name is Homer Simpson! Burns: You're just babbling incoherently... Homer: Oh, you're a dead man, Burns. Oh, you're dead! You're dead, Burns!

— Who Shot Mr. Burns (Part 1)

Burns: Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club! A sand wedge! Homer: Mmm ... open-faced club sandwich.

— Scenes From the Class Struggle in Springfield

Woman: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and -- Are you wearing a grocery bag? Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

— Bart After Dark

Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family's experienced ... well, not today. You saw what happened. Oh, Lord, be honest. Are we the most pathetic family in the universe, or what?

— Homer Simpson. Bart vs. Thanksgiving

This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world! Wooo, wooo! Wooo, wooo!

— Homer Simpson. Bart the Daredevil

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

— Homer Simpson. The PTA Disbands

Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to Increase Your Word Power.' That thing is really, really, really ... good.

— Homer Simpson. Mr. Lisa Goes To Washington

One day you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations. You may outsmart someone.

— Homer Simpson. Bart the Genius

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

— Homer Simpson. Bart the General

Homer: Ooh, look at this one! The Hammer of Thor! (Reading) "It will send your pins to ... Valhalla?" Lisa? Lisa: Valhalla is where vikings go when they die. Homer: Ooh, that's some ball.

— The Telltale Head

Marge: Name one of your child's friends. Homer: Uh, let's see, Bart's friends ... Well, there's the fat kid with the thing; uh, the little wiener whose always got his hands in his pockets.

— Saturdays of Thunder

Smithers: Next. There's a problem with the reactor -- what do you do? Homer: There's a problem with the reactor?? We're all going to die!!

— I Married Marge

Hey, if you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!

— Homer Simpson. Mr. Plow

I'm tired of being a wanna-be league bowler, I wanna be a league bowler!

— Homer Simpson. Team Homer

Marge: I know we didn't ask for this, Homer, but doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me...?" Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take moochers into thy hut?"

— The Otto Show

Homer: All right, Herb. I'll lend you the 2,000 bucks. But you have to forgive me and treat me like a brother. Herb: Nope. Homer: All right, then, just give me the drinking bird.

— Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?

Burns: Well, Simpson, I must say, once you're been through something like that with a person, you never want to see that person again. Homer: You said it, you weirdo.

— Mountain Madness

Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

— Homer Simpson. Lady Bouvier's Lover

Marge: Maybe it'll turn out that he was innocent all along. Homer: Earth to Marge. Earth to Marge. I was there ... the clown's G-I-L-L-T-Y.

— Krusty Gets Busted

Oh, cruel fate. Why do you mock me?

— Homer Simpson. Bart the Daredevil

Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh start with Maggie.

— Homer Simpson. Lisa's Pony

Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison, the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives, and tear him a new belly button.

— Homer Simpson. Cape Feare

Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.

— Homer Simpson. Selma's Choice

You mean, I'm on my own? I've never been on my own. Oh no! On own! On own! I need help. Oh, God help me! Help me, God!

— Homer Simpson. Homer Badman

Homer: Is this episode going on the air live? June Bellamy: No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live -- it's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.

— Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show

Homer: Hey, Burns! Eat my shorts! Burns: Who the Sam Hill was that?

— One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish

Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.

— Homer Simpson. I Love Lisa

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

— Homer Simpson. Marge vs. the Monorail

Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

— Homer Simpson. Last Exit to Springfield

Homer: You like parties, huh? Well, I just remembered they're having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend. Marge: You didn't remember that. You just saw it on TV.

— My Sister, My Sitter

Even the Chinese are against me.

— Homer Simpson. The Last Temptation of Homer

Homer: Here's your magazines. How many of these guys are named Corey? Lisa: Eight. Thanks, Dad.

— Bart's Dog Gets An F

No, I do not know what the Schadenfreude is. Please tell me, because I'm dying to know.

— Homer Simpson. When Flanders Failed

I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats.

— Homer Simpson. Dog of Death

Marge, let's end this feudin' and a-fussin' and get down to some lovin'.

— Homer Simpson. Colonel Homer

It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

— Homer Simpson. Colonel Homer

When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters, always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get back plenty in return.

— Homer Simpson. Lisa the Beauty Queen

I'm sick of eating hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?

— Homer Simpson. Fear of Flying

The weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities.

— Homer Simpson. Bart vs. Australia

Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.

— Homer Simpson. Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part 2)

Marge: We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries. Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.

— Lisa's Pony

Thank you, Bill Cosby, you saved the Simpsons!

— Homer Simpson. Saturdays of Thunder

TV Announcer: The following is a public service announcement: Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum. Homer: Mmm ... beer.

— So It's Come To This: A Simpsons Clip Show

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. `Bart is a vampire.' `Beer kills brain cells.' Now, let's go back to that ... building ... thingee ... where our beds and TV ... is.

— Homer Simpson. Treehouse of Horror IV

I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me -- friends, co-workers, Tibor. I never thought it'd be my own wife.

— Homer Simpson. Marge Gets A Job

You are not my son!

— Homer Simpson. Boy-Scoutz n the Hood

De-fault! The two sweetest words in the English language.

— Homer Simpson. Deep Space Homer

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, this is really low. Homer: Not as low as my low, low prices!

— Mr. Plow

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

— Homer Simpson. Bart Gets An Elephant

You don't know what it's like -- I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order!

— Homer Simpson. Secrets of a Successful Marriage

Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!

— Homer Simpson. Secrets of a Successful Marriage

I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!

— Homer Simpson. Lisa's Rival

Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called `City Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about `What's to be done with this Homer Simpson"'

— Homer Simpson. Lisa's Rival

It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

— Homer Simpson. Lisa's Rival

Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?

— Homer Simpson. Fear of Flying

You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!

— Homer Simpson. Secrets of a Successful Marriage

Read your town charter, boy. `If food stuffs should touch the ground, said food stuffs shall be turned over to the village idiot.' Since I don't see him around, start shoveling!

— Homer Simpson. Lisa's Rival

Homer: You can let him down gently, but over the next couple of months, I want you to break it off. Marge: Um, okay, Homer. Homer: Whoof! That was a close one, kids.

— Another Simpsons Clip Show

Homer: Aw, Marge, kids, I miss my club. Marge: Oh, Homey. You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club. Homer: The Black Panthers?

— Homer the Great

If the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

— Homer Simpson. Lisa on Ice

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

— Homer Simpson. Homer vs. Patty and Selma

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called `The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'

— Homer Simpson. The Springfield Files

Man: You must be stupider than you look. Homer: Stupider like a fix!

— Lemon of Troy

Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay. Pfft. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity. Homer: Stupidity, eh?

— King-Size Homer

Bart: I'll take up smoking and give that up. Homer: Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.

— Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious

Marge: I would love you if you weighed 1,000 pounds but ... Homer: Beautiful. G'night.

— King-Size Homer

Oh, I always wanted to be a teamster. So lazy and surly.

— Homer Simpson. Radioactive Man

This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield. If anybody wants me I'll be in the shower.

— Homer Simpson. Lemon of Troy

All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.

— Homer Simpson. Bart on the Road

Second class? What about Social Security, bus discounts, Medic-Alert jewelery, Gold Bond powder, pants all the way up to your armpits, and all those other senior perks? Oh, if you ask me, old folks have it pretty sweet.

— Homer Simpson, Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Hey, if you want wild bears eatin' your children and scarin' your salmon, that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me?

— Homer Simpson. Much Apu About Nothing

Marge: You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along. Homer: You know, Marge, in some ways you and I are very different people.

— Homerpalooza

Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week. Marge: It saved out marriage!

— Treehouse of Horror VII

Bart: Can I be a boozehound? Homer: Not till you're 15.

— Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious

Flanders: Y'know, Simpson, I feel kinda silly, but, uh, you know, what the hey, you know ... kinda reminds me of my good ole fraternity days. Homer: D'oh! Oh my God! He's enjoying it!

— Dead Putting Society

Look, just gimme some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with ya!

— Homer Simpson. El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer

Marge, look at me! We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman. In another few hours, I'll be dead. I can't afford to lose your trust again.

— Homer Simpson. Secrets of a Successful Marriage

I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.

— Homer Simpson. Bart the Genius

I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store, could I?

— Homer Simpson. Life on the Fast Lane

You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.

— Homer Simpson. Itchy & Scratchy & Marge

Herb: All born in wedlock? Homer: Yeah, though the boy was a close call.

— Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

Oooh ... maca-ma-damia nuts.

— Homer Simpson. Bart's Dog Gets an F

Boy, those Germans have a word for everything.

— Homer Simpson. When Flanders Failed

I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.

— Homer Simpson. Homer the Great

He's taking funny talk.

— Homer Simpson. Like Father, Like Clown

Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony. Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony.

— Lisa's Pony

I've heard 'em all. `I like you as a friend.' `I think we should see other people.' `I no speak English.' `I'm married to the sea.' `I don't want to kill you, but I will ...'

— Homer Simpson. I Love Lisa

They said the same thing about Urkle; that little snot. Boy I'd like to smack that kid.

— Homer Simpson. Bart Gets Famous

Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.

— Homer Simpson. Bart the Lover

Marge: Homie, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life? Homer: Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life.

— Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy

Laser effects, mirrored balls -- John Williams must be rolling around in his grave.

— Homer Simpson. The Springfield Connection

Well, I acquired it legally, you can be sure of that.

— Homer Simpson. Treehouse of Horror VI

You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging! Not in your childish vandalism.

— Homer Simpson. Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment

Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.

— Homer Simpson. El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer

Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

— Homer Simpson. Team Homer

Come on, honey. You work yourself stupid for this family. If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you.

— Homer Simpson. Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily

Marge: What if he's crazy? Homer: And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.

— Burns Baby Burns

Woman: I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to punish him. Homer: 'Preciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that. And I gotta live with him. Bart: You're the man, Homer.

— Bart After Dark

It's a fixer-upper. What's the problem? We get a bunch of priests in here ...

— Homer Simpson. Treehouse of Horror

It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.

— Homer Simpson. Lisa on Ice

It's wonderful, it's magical. Oh boy, here it comes. Another mouth.

— Homer Simpson. And Maggie Makes Three

I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky, too, because it's spanking season, and I got a hankering for some spankering!

— Homer Simpson. Two Dozen and One Greyhounds

Aw, being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.

— Homer Simpson. Homie the Clown

Ah, so that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.

— Homer Simpson. Two Dozen and One Greyhounds

Who spread garbage all over Flanders's yard before I got a chance to?

— Homer Simpson. Two Dozen and One Greyhounds

Homer: I suppose you want to probe me. Well, you might as well get it over with. Kang: Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.

— Treehouse of Horror VII

You see, there are some crybabies out there -- religious types mostly -- who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. C'mon, I dare you. Bock-bock-bock-bock-bock! Chicken!

— Homer Simpson. Treehouse of Horror III

He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on my side.

— Homer Simpson. Treehouse of Horror II

Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?

— Homer Simpson. Homer the Great

So if we don't all vote the same way, we'll be deadlocked and have to be sequestered in the Springfield Palace Hotel ...

— Homer Simpson. The Boy Who Knew Too Much

Woo Hoo! Good news everybody! Because I endangered lives, we can fly anywhere we want!

— Homer Simpson. Fear of Flying

What's everyone so worked up about? So there's a comet. Big deal. It'll burn up in out atmosphere, and whatever's left will be no bigger than a chihuahua's head.

— Homer Simpson. Bart's Comet

Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.

— Homer Simpson. The Front

There are perfectly good answers to those questions, but they'll have to wait for another night.

— Homer Simpson. Homers Barbershop Quartet

Homer: Look at that. I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time. Mr. Peabody: Correction, Homer, you're the second. Sherman: That's right, Mr. Peabody! Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you.

— Treehouse of Horror V

Homer: But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson. Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of out club? Homer: Uh ... actually my name is Barney. Yeah. Barney Gumble.

— Homie the Clown

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? No. Lumber Lung? No. Jugglers despair? No. Achy-Breaky Pelvis? No. Oh, I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy! Hey wait -- Hyper-Obesity. If you weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.

— Homer Simpson. King-Size Homer

Homer/Apu/Moe: You can do it, Otto! You can do it, Otto! Apu: Make this spare, I'll give you free gelato! Moe: Then go back to my place where I will get you blotto! Homer: Domo arigato, Mister Roboto!

— Team Homer

Marge: It was a beautiful wedding. I've never seen Selma happier. Homer: That reminds me -- Troy said something interesting last night at the bar. Apparently he doesn't really love Selma and the marriage is just a sham to help his career.

— A Fish Called Selma

Homer: Dig him up!!! Dig up that corpse! If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong! Dig up his grave! Pull out his tongue! Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

— Lisa the Iconoclast

Alone! I'm alone! I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!

— Homer Simpson. El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer

Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I've worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again and I say this stinks.

— Homer Simpson. Homer's Odyssey

Around the house, I never lift a finger As a husband and father I'm sub-par I'd rather drink a beer than win Father of the Year I'm happy with things the way they are

— Homer Simpson. Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious

Bart: You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet. Lisa: Nuh-uh, he smells more like a photo lab. Homer: Stop it, both of you! Grampa smells like a regular old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.

— Old Money

That's weird. It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

— Homer Simpson. Treehouse of Horror VI

Well, you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard. Actually, I'm bringing the plant down from the inside.

— Homer Simpson. The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular

Bart: What religion are you? Homer: You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity.

— Homerpalooza

To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!

— Homer Simpson. Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment

Oh, the guys are work are going to have a field day with this.

— Homer Simpson. The Call of the Simpsons

Where is Bart, anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.

— Homer Simpson. Bart After Dark

Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good? Marge: We have three kids, Homer.

— Separate Vacations

Look, Marge, I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband, I'm sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub, I'm sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car, and I'm sorry -- oh well, let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this point.

— Homer Simpson. Marge on the Lam

Television -- teacher, mother, secret lover!

— Homer Simpson. Treehouse of Horror V

It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before, and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye -- aha. What I mean to say is: We'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie. I promise.

— Homer Simpson. Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy

This is even more painful than it looks.

— Homer Simpson. Brother from the Same Planet

The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes ... Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty -- that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

— Homer Simpson. Deep Space Homer

Michael: Hi. I'm Michael Jackson, from The Jacksons. Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons.

— Stark Raving Dad

Homer: I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders ... my friend! Lenny: What'd he say? Carl: I dunno. Somethin' about being gay.

— Homer Loves Flanders

I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are.

— Homer Simpson. Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy

Oh everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained us in the backyard is cruel. Pulling his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel.

— Homer Simpson. Bart Gets An Elephant

Well let's call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, `Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'

— Homer Simpson. Secrets of a Successful Marriage

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.

— Homer Simpson. Lisa's First Word

Homer: You know what? Grampa: What? Homer: We're both screw-ups.

— Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy

Homer: Marge, it's 3 a.m. and I worked all day! Marge: It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool.

— Another Simpsons Clip Show

Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2\% and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.

— Homer Simpson. You Only Move Twice

Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas. Homer: Yeah. If you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.

— Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire

Merchant: Sir, I must strongly advise you, do not purchase this. Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune. I, myself, was one president of Algeria. Homer: C'mon, pal, I don't want to hear your life story! Paw me.

— Treehouse of Horror II

Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope.

— Homer Simpson. Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment

Ohh, my son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world has gone gay!

— Homer Simpson. Homer's Phobia

Marge: This is the best gift of all, Homer. Homer: It is? Marge: Yes, something to share our love. And frighten prowlers.

— Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire

I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no eggnog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.

— Homer Simpson. Marge Be Not Proud

Homer: I'm just a big fool. Karl: Oh no, you're not! Homer: How do you know? Karl: Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool!

— Simpson and Delilah

Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.

— Homer Simpson. Homer's Odyssey

Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide. Homer: Hiya. Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn. Homer: If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of ya.

— El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer

Dasher, Dancer ... Prancer ... Nixon, Comet, Cupid ... Donna Dixon.

— Homer Simpson. Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire

Bart: Hey, Santa, what's shaking? Homer: What's your name, Bart ... ner? -- er, little partner? Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

— Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire

But let me tell you, the slim lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo.

— Homer Simpson. King-Size Homer

So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free.

— Homer Simpson. Bart vs. Australia

And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don't like it.

— Homer Simpson. The Call of the Simpsons

You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week ... I told you. My baby beat me up ... Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.

— Homer Simpson. Itchy & Scratchy & Marge

Time to fertilize the lawn. A couple of 500-pound bags should do it!

— Homer Simpson. Homer vs. Patty and Selma