General Wisdom

It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...

— James Dent

"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable man a lifetime."

— Thomas Aldrich

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks.

— The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"

It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.

It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.

It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples.

— Charles Dickens

It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat.

— Robert Fuoss

It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.

— Andrew Jackson

"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear."

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

— Steven Wright

"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

— Rocky and Bullwinkle

It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.

"It's bad luck to be superstitious."

— Andrew W. Mathis

It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.

— Marty Winch

"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done".

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.

"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!"

— Macy's

It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

— Oxford University Press, Edpress News

It's just a jump to the left And then a step to the right. Put your hands on your hips And pull your knees in tight. It's the pelvic thrust That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

— Rocky Horror Picture Show

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

— Walt Disney

"It's Like This" Even the samurai have teddy bears, and even the teddy bears get drunk.

It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.

"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."

It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.

— Sam Goldwyn

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

— George Burns

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

— Phil White

"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."

— Kevin White, mayor of Boston

It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.

— Alexander Korda

"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."

— Cal Keegan

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

— Daniel B. Luten

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

— Woody Allen

It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.

— Garfield

It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.

— Sydney J. Harris

It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...

It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.

It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the Devil when he is the only explanation of it.

It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.

— Franklin P. Jones

It's the thought, if any, that counts!

JACK AND THE BEANSTACK by Mark Isaak Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it to him. So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, he met the traveling salesman. "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman in high-level language. "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips and Apples," commented Jack. "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she started thrashing. "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the window ...

Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.

— Tom Stoppard

Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.

Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, But only Buddha pays Dividends.

Job Placement, n.: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.

Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!

Johnson's First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.

Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.

Join the march to save individuality!

Jone's Law: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac (and nobody cares about it).

— Bill Joy 6/21/85

Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the whole truth.

— Stephen R. Schwambach

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

— Irene Peter

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.

"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets"

— The Brigader, "Dr. Who"

"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"

— Patricia O Tuama

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, As he landed his crew with care; Supporting each man on the top of the tide By a finger entwined in his hair. 'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: That alone should encourage the crew. Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: What I tell you three times is true.'

Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!!!

Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!

— Michael J. Wagner

Justice is incidental to law and order.

— J. Edgar Hoover

Justice, n.: A decision in your favor.

K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; Cobol's wordy and confining; KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.

— The Roguelet's ABC

Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights.

Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.

Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze - Hellman's Mayonnaise

Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.

Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck"). (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!"

Keep you Eye on the Ball, Your Shoulder to the Wheel, Your Nose to the Grindstone, Your Feet on the Ground, Your Head on your Shoulders. Now ... try to get something DONE!

Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong."

Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty.

Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood

Kinkler's First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority. Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved.

Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets.

Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

Kiss your keyboard goodbye!

Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.

Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

— Henry N. Camp

Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.

— Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Lackland's Laws: (1) Never be first. (2) Never be last. (3) Never volunteer for anything

Lactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.

— Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Ladybug, ladybug, Look to your stern! Your house is on fire, Your children will burn! So jump ye and sing, for The very first time The four lines above Have been put into rhyme.

— Walt Kelly

Laetrile is the pits

Langsam's Laws: (1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes.

Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false.

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the applications for.

— Dave Barry

"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"

— Steven Wright

"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor."

Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."

— Victor Borge

Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.

Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Laws of Serendipity: (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something. (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.

Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.

— Alan J. Perlis

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the fun?

Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can."

Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.

Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.

"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number."

— James Estes

Let us live!!! Let us love!!! Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! You first.

Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."

— Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls in there". * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious cretin like yourself. * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you a large cash settlement anyway.

— Dave Barry

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money.

— Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) Dear Sir, I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. Yours faithfully, Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. Sevenoaks

Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.

Liar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.

— Harry Emerson Fosdick

LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal disease.

Lie, n.: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.

Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.

"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to eat it nevertheless."

— Flaubert

"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."

Life is like a simile.

Life is like an analogy

Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.

"Life is too important to take seriously."

— Corky Siegel

"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"

— a Mary Chung's fortune cookie

"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it weren't for other people"

— Blore

Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.

"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."

— Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.

— Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.

— Alan McKay

Limericks are art forms complex, Their topics run chiefly to sex. They usually have virgins, And masculine urgin's, And other erotic effects.

Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.

Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today. Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get better.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

— Candice Bergen

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these interest rates, we don't need it."

Lobster: Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, too.

— "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies"

Lockwood's Long Shot: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.

... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... impeccable!

Logicians have but ill defined As rational the human kind. Logic, they say, belongs to man, But let them prove it if they can.

— Oliver Goldsmith

Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us to pay income taxes, too?

— Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox

Loose bits sink chips.

Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"

Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.

Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas.

Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.

Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.

Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.

Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.

— Sigmund Freud

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."

— Matt Groening

Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art.

— Ogden Nash

"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished."

— Goethe

Love is sentimental measles.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

— H. L. Mencken

Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.

Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.

— Louise Beal

Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.

Love's Drug My love is like an iron wand That conks me on the head, My love is like the valium That I take before my bed, My love is like the pint of scotch That I drink when I be dry; And I shall love thee still, my dear, Until my wife is wise.

LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.

Lunatic Asylum, n.: The place where optimism most flourishes.

Lysistrata had a good idea.

"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts."

— Winston Churchill

Machine-Independent, adj.: Does not run on any existing machine.

Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, and play games -- but not with pleasure.

— Leo Rosten

Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

— W. C. Fields

MAFIA, n: [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and entire nodal aggravations.

— Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"

Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.

— Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"

Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Maier's Law: If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries: (1) The bigger the theory, the better. (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50\% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory.

Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.

Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.

Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!

Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.

— System V.2 administrator's guide

Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

— Lily Tomlin

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

— Oscar Wilde

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

— Wernher von Braun

Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.

— Mark Twain

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.

— Samuel Butler

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.

— Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy.

— Albert Einstein

Man, n.: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His hief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which, however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?"

— Dr. Who