General Wisdom

"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one."

— James Gordon Bennett

"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter."

— Blaise Pascal

"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."

— Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."

— Oscar Wilde

"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.

— Steven Wright

"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

— Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435

"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."

— Steven Wright

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

— Poul Anderson

"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."

I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!

"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."

— Bill Hoest

I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

— Albert Einstein

"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."

— Charles Schulz

"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me."

— Art Leo

I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it.

— Dwight D. Eisenhower

"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."

"I like your game but we have to change the rules."

"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."

— Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson

"I love to eat them Smurfies Smurfies what I love to eat Bite they ugly heads off, Nibble on they bluish feet."

"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the speed of light."

— Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk

"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."

— Ashleigh Brilliant

"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up."

— Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"

"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away."

"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

— G. B. Shaw

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

— Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)

"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease."

— Dave Barry, "The Snake"

I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!

"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob."

— William F. Buckley

"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'"

— Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"

I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber. But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about, such as nose-picking.

— Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout"

I really hate this damned machine I wish that they would sell it. It never does quite what I want But only what I tell it.

"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."

I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.

— Will Rogers

I sent a letter to the fish, I told them, "This is what I wish." The little fishes of the sea, They sent an answer back to me. The little fishes' answer was "We cannot do it, sir, because ..." I sent a letter back to say It would be better to obey. But someone came to me and said "The little fishes are in bed." I said to him, and I said it plain "Then you must wake them up again." I said it very loud and clear, I went and shouted in his ear. But he was very stiff and proud, He said "You needn't shout so loud." And he was very proud and stiff, He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." I took a kettle from the shelf, I went to wake them up myself. But when I found the door was locked I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, And when I found the door was shut, I tried to turn the handle, But ... "Is that all?" asked Alice. "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."

— Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"

"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."

— Graffito in Los Angeles

"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."

— Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning Points in l'Amour"

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

— Steven Wright

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."

— Shirley Temple

I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face is up.

— Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."

I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.

— Monty Python

I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall I'll never see a tree at all.

— Ogden Nash

I think that I shall never see A thing as lovely as a tree. But as you see the trees have gone They went this morning with the dawn. A logging firm from out of town Came and chopped the trees all down. But I will trick those dirty skunks And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.

"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."

— Pat Robertson, The 700 Club

I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous conversation ...

— Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"

"I thought you were trying to get into shape." "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."

" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"

— Winston Churchill

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

— Woody Allen

I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.

"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."

— Emo Phillips

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

— Steven Wright

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.

— Brendan Behan

"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE HAW"!!'"

— Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"

I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.

— Will Rogers

"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to get off my driveway."

— Steven Wright

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know."

— Mark Twain

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

— Emile Henry Gauvreay

"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

— Steven Wright

"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific".

— Steven Wright

I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where it would not run at all.

— George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"

"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then.

— Steven Wright

"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

— Steven Wright

"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."

— Steven Wright

I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that it took seven others to beat him!

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."

— Gallagher

"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me."

— Hunter S. Thompson

"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'"

"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant."

"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."

"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."

"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back."

"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned."

"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about."

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."

— Hawkeye, M*A*S*H

I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd listen to it!

— Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire

I'll grant thee random access to my heart, Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part.

— Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"

"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."

— Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]

"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man."

"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister."

I'm changing my name to Chrysler I'm going down to Washington, D.C. I'll tell some power broker What they did for Iacocca Will be perfectly acceptable to me! I'm changing my name to Chrysler, I'm heading for that great receiving line. When they hand a million grand out, I'll be standing with my hand out, Yessir, I'll get mine!

— Tom Paxton

I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.

"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."

"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in."

— George McGovern

I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.

— Fred Allen

I'm going to live forever, or die trying!

— Spider Robinson

... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a KOSHER DELI!!

"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"

— Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate

i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

— e. e. cummings

I'm N-ary the tree, I am, N-ary the tree, I am, I am. I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, She's traversed me seven times before. And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. N-ary the tree I am, I am, N-ary the tree I am.

"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."

"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life."

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is -- I could be just as proud for half the money.

— Arthur Godfrey

I'm rated PG-34!!

"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."

— English Professor, Providence College

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

— Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"

"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives"

I've built a better model than the one at Data General For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

— Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", by Gilbert & Sulliva

I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.

I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was this little hole in the bottom ...

— John Croll

I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

— Groucho Marx

"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."

"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"

— Senator Claghorn

I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more.

— Shakespeare

IBM had a PL/I, Its syntax worse than JOSS; And everywhere this language went, It was a total loss.

Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

— Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second.

— Grishman, Assembly Language Programming

If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.

— Roy Santoro

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

— Paul White

If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast is a camel's behind.

— Edgar R. Fiedler

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

— Joseph C. Goulden

If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.

If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.

If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.

— Donald A. Metz

"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?"

— Sparky Anderson

If all be true that I do think, There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; Good friends, good wine, or being dry, Or lest we should be by-and-by, Or any other reason why.

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

— John Kenneth Galbraith

If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

— Paul Beatty

If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a conclusion.

— William Baumol

If an S and an I and an O and a U With an X at the end spell Su; And an E and a Y and an E spell I, Pray what is a speller to do? Then, if also an S and an I and a G And an HED spell side, There's nothing much left for a speller to do But to go commit siouxeyesighed.

— Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"

If anything can go wrong, it will.

If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"

If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?

If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster.

— The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"

If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.

... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...

— Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can.

If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.

If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.

If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.

If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.

If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.

If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.

If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.

If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.

If God is dead, who will save the Queen?

If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?

"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."

— Yiddish saying

If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?

— Marvin Kitman

"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

— Samuel Goldwyn

If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn.

— Dorothy Parker

If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.

If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home.

— Eugene P. Gallagher

If I had any humility I would be perfect.

— Ted Turner

"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."

— Albert Einstein

If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction. The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly. The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.

— Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other end.

— Bert Whitney

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.

— Thomas Carlyle

"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ..."

— Leith (Casey) Leedom

If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.

— Tom Robbins

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

— Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.

If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

— Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)

If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.

— A. Einstein.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

— Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.

If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.

If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.

If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.

— Vannevar Bush

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.

— Pope John Paul I

"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."

— C. Durance, Computer Science 234

If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it.

— Stanley Garn

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

— Norm Schryer

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!"

— "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)

If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.

If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations.

— Reverend Chichester

If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

— Art Hoppe

If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.

— Muhammad Ali

If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.