General Wisdom

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language.

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours." The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist.

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier. Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message: "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can you find the time to try it again?"

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

— Woody Allen

The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.

— Henry Kissinger

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them."

— Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"

The makers may make and the users may use, but the fixers must fix with but minimal clues

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.

— Alan Ashley-Pitt

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.

— Mark Twain.

The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.

"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."

— Dave Barry

The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"

The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.

— Lew Mammel, Jr.

The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power.

— Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems Thinking."

The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.

— Laurence J. Peter

The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.

— Nicol Williamson

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.

"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the lower the mailing cost."

— Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

— Lao Tsu

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

— Andy Warhol

"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."

— Theodore H. White

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."

— Isaac Asimov

The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.

... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!

"... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested. "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged Aged Man.'" "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" Alice corrected herself. "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered. "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."

— Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"

"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60\% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."

— D. Letterman

The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: Support your right to bare arms!

The net of law is spread so wide, No sinner from its sweep may hide. Its meshes are so fine and strong, They take in every child of wrong. O wondrous web of mystery! Big fish alone escape from thee!

— James Jeffrey Roche

The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again.

The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.

— Matthew 5:37

"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country ..."

— Robert J Woodhead

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.

— Andrew S. Tanenbaum

The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card.

— Dennis M. Ritchie

The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their function is to serve as checks upon the state.

— Alan Barth

The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct.

— Ralph Hartley

The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.

The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning."

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

— H. L. Mencken

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.

— Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart

The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social sciences' is: some do, some don't.

— Ernest Rutherford

The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest.

"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."

— Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over"

The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

— Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.

— Oscar Wilde

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

— Oscar Wilde

The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 p.m.

The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

— Bohr

The optimum committee has no members.

— Norman Augustine

The optimum committee has no members.

— Norman Augustine

"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost went back in time."

— Steven Wright

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

— Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

— H. L. Mencken

The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator sport. The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service.

— Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig.

— Ogden Nash

The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.

— Dizzy Dean

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

— David Lardner

The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing true distaste.

— Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"

"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often."

The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, Were each of them once a kiddie. A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. Do I want one? God Forbiddie!

— Ogden Nash

The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.

— Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter

The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us.

— Mario Cuomo

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

— Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.

— FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers

The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough voters to win the next election.

The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in charity we can only call "inhuman."

— R. A. Lafferty

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer.

— Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

— Glaser and Way

The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

— Elizabeth Taylor

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.

— Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

"The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"

— Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"

The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: "My brain is paged out to my liver"

The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?

— Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"

The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella.

The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed.

The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.

The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.

— Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

— George Bernard Shaw

The revolution will not be televised.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

— Emerson

The rhino is a homely beast, For human eyes he's not a feast. Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, I'll stare at something less prepoceros.

— Ogden Nash

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.

"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts."

— Sheridan

The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.

— Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas

"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights you have and what rights you have not got."

— J. Parnell Thomas

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with sloppy analysis!

The Roman Rule The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't take it too seriously.

— Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.

— Jane Bryant Quinn

"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"

The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed that all had these things in common: (1) They all had moderate appetites. (2) They all came from middle class homes (3) All but two of them were dead.

The scum also rises.

— Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

— George Bernard Shaw

The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." "How?" demanded Fafhrd. Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."

— Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"

The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

— Noelie Alito

The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long way.)

— Dan Roddick

"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."

"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money."

— Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"

"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

— Nicolaides

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.

The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from the Russians.

— Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973

The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.

The steady state of disks is full.

— Ken Thompson

THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt ...

— Rico Tudor

The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe.

— Mayor Frank Rizzo

"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever."

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The sum of the Universe is zero.

The sun was shining on the sea, Shining with all his might: He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright -- And this was very odd, because it was The middle of the night.

— Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"

The superfluous is very necessary.

— Voltaire

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.

— Mark Twain

The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.

The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.

The Three Major Kind of Tools * Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, bludgeons, and truncheons.) * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)

— Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat

— Ogden Nash.

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

— Franklin P. Jones

The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.

— Ken Kesey

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

— Lenny Bruce

The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa.

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile.

— Ogden Nash

"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

— Oscar Wilde

The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are "100 percent American"...

— U. S. Army (1945)

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.

— Jim Samuels

The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the combination is locked up in the safe.

— Peter DeVries

The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the world put together.

— Sir Peter Medawar

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

— E. W. Dijkstra

The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes the worst cigars.

— H. L. Mencken

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

— Mark Twain

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.

— Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"

"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."

"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, it's just a tired feeling:"

The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.

"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood."

— Alexander Haig

"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune."

The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, Like Jaspar wine and sugar, It must have blown through someone's feet, Like those of Caspar Weinberger.

— P. Opus

THE WOMBAT The wombat lives across the seas, Among the far Antipodes. He may exist on nuts and berries, Or then again, on missionaries; His distant habitat precludes Conclusive knowledge of his moods. But I would not engage the wombat In any form of mortal combat.

The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!

The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

The world's as ugly as sin, And almost as delightful

— Frederick Locker-Lampson

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.

— Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

Then here's to the City of Boston, The town of the cries and the groans. Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.

— Franklin Pierce Adams

THEORY Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head?

— Dorothy Parker

There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy ...

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats.

There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis are chosen correctly.

There are no games on this system.

There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.

— Richard Davisson

There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.

There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.

— Gloria Steinem

"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all?"

"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence."

— The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.

— Disraeli

"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.

— Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior

"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain."

— Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800

There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.

There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I can't remember.

— Italo Svevo

There are three ways to get something done: (1) Do it yourself. (2) Hire someone to do it for you. (3) Forbid your kids to do it.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is one of them.

There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.

— Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

— Woody Allen

"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies."

— C. A. R. Hoare

"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope."

— Oscar Wilde

There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.

— R. W. Gerard

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

— Henry Kissinger

There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.

— Steele's Law

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion.

— Anatole France

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.

There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.

There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs tied during the month of April.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

— Walt Disney

"There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the Fatherland."

— Adolf Hitler

There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly inexplicable." There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."

— Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

— Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"