Cocktail Recipes

1/2 oz. gin 1/2 oz. vodka 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) 3/4 oz. tequilla 1/2 oz. triple sec 1/2 oz. orange juice 3/4 oz. sour mix 1/2 oz. cola shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. Long Island Iced Tea

6 oz. orange juice 1 oz. vodka 1/2 oz. Galliano Harvey Wallbangers

A beer delayed is a beer denied.

A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good. [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]

A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with -- even if he drank.

— H.L. Mencken

Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

— George Bernard Shaw

Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surest poison is time.

— Emerson, "Society and Solitude"

Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.

Always store beer in a dark place.

— Lazarus Long

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

— Dylan Thomas

And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, because the bars close every time you're thirsty...

... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.

— J. B. White

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.

— Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

Because the wine remembers.

Beggar to well-dressed businessman: "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"

Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our victuals being spent and especially our beer."

— Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.

— Charles Lamb

But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!

Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it? Jaka: Ugh! Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?

— Cerebus #6, "The Secret"

Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero ... must drink brandy.

— Samuel Johnson

Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" "Well, yes, I am." "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse, me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, please?" it asked the bartender. The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Come quickly, I am tasting stars!

— Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.

Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.

— John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2

Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.

Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for instant motor skills.

— Marc Price

Drinking is not a spectator sport.

— Jim Brosnan

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.

— Robert Benchley

Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a lot a poker.

— Karyl Roosevelt

Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in season, eggs...

Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.

Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler.

Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.

— Jimmy Cannon

Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." Juliet, this bud's for you.

FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 Christmas Rum Cake 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until poothtick comes out crean.

FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.

Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): fifth of dry red wine fifth of Aquavit 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon 10 cardamom seeds 1 cup raisins 4 dried figs 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds a few pieces of dried orange peel 5 cloves 1/2 lb. sugar cubes Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish extraction.

Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.

Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do with all that pep and vitality.

Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.

He knew the tavernes well in every toun.

— Geoffrey Chaucer

He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.

"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"

— W. C. Fields

I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.

— Phil Harris

I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.

— Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"

I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.

— K. Coates

I drink to make other people interesting.

— George Jean Nathan

I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record.

— Dylan Thomas, his last words

I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.

— Richard Burton

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since.

— Arturo Toscanini

I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.

— Alexander Woolcott

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.

I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.

I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.

I used to have a drinking problem. Now I love the stuff.

I will not drink! But if I do... I will not get drunk! But if I do... I will not in public! But if I do... I will not fall down! But if I do... I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.

I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.

I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

— Fred Allen [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I've always made it a solemn practice to never drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.

— R. Nesson

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

— George Gobel

If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.

If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.

If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.

— Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant

If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.

— Edward E. Hippensteel [What brand of ink? Ed.]

If you don't drink it, someone else will.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.

In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.

In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.

In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's taste and in a sports car it's impossible.

In vino veritas. [In wine there is truth.]

— Pliny

It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends and getting people under the influence.

— Jeremy Tunstall

It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back and party!

— Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"

It's gonna be alright, It's almost midnight, And I've got two more bottles of wine.

It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... boy gets another beer.

— Cheers

It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're madly in love, drunk, or running for office.

Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.

Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.

Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.

Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"

Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.

— Al Capone

Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.

— Don Reed

Look at it this way: Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?

Look at it this way: Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to forget $26,000 of college education. And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?

Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?" "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've named a drink Fred?"

"Mind if I smoke?" "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"

"Mind if I smoke?" "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"

My mother drinks to forget she drinks.

— Crazy Jimmy

My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.

— George Gobel

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

No, I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!

Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we aren't poets.

NOTICE: Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will be summarily put out.

Now is the time for drinking; now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.

— Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble in alcohol...

— Crazy Nigel

Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

— W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"

One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.

One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has been havin' all these years." Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

— Alex Levine

PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.

Police: Good evening, are you the host? Host: No. Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. Host: About the drugs? Police: No. Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? Police: No, the noise. Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors? Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down? Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down.

Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!

Riffle West Virginia is so small that the Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.

Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to become necessary.

— Edgar Friedenberg

Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I got started one night when George came home and found one burning in the ashtray."

Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.

Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.

— W.C. Fields

SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be filed 30 days in advance.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

— Fletcher Knebel

Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.

— Fran Lebowitz

Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.

So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as large as it needs to be?

Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.

Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.

Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters Half 1/2 bottle Bottle 750 milliliters Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters Jeroboam 4 bottles Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US Methuselah 8 bottles Salmanazar 12 bottles Balthazar 16 bottles Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars to produce and they only made 8 of them. Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. Problem: Glass empty. Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

— Bar Troubleshooting

Symptom: Everything has gone dark. Fault: The Bar is closing. Action Required: Panic. Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see the bathroom light. Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

— Bar Troubleshooting

Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Improper bladder control. Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

— Bar Troubleshooting

Symptom: Floor blurred. Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. Symptom: Floor moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

— Bar Troubleshooting

Symptom: Floor swaying. Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. Fault: You have fallen forward. Action Required: See above. Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several flourescent light strips. Fault: You have fallen over backward. Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.

— Bar Troubleshooting

Take me drunk, I'm home again!

The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.

— Maurice Baring

The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to smoke is a right worth dying for.

The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.

The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.

— Russian Proverb

The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.

— W.C. Fields

The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, "Whaddaya want?" "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."

The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.

— Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"

The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings of civilization.

— T.K.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

— Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"

The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes the worst cigars.

— H. L. Mencken

The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."

The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it.

— Winston Churchill

"The whole world is about three drinks behind."

— Humphrey Bogart

The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he should.

— W.C. Fields

There are more old drunkards than old doctors.

There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.

There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.

There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and together we'll face the world.

— Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"

There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a lift home from the office.

These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.

They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura bitters. Shake.

— F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.

Too ripped. Gotta go.

Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure knows when to stop."

Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.

— E.F. Benson

We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.

— Walter Summers

What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

— J.D. Farley

When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter knob.

— MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual

When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks. As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto the bar, "*everybody* pays!"

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

— Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"

When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.

— Al Capone

When the cup is full, carry it level.

When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.

While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if you burn, madam."

Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?

Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a fresh one for a quarter of the price?

Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. I shall be sober in the morning.

Wonderful day. Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

— Mike Romanoff

You can't fall off the floor.

You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

— Dean Martin