Magazine Quotes

mixed emotions: Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. With five empty seats.

mixed emotions: Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... in your brand new Mercedes.

modem, adj.: Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An unfortunate byproduct of kerning. [That's sic!]

modesty, n.: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.

Modesty: The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.

— Oliver Herford

Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion ...

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.

momentum, n.: What you give a person when they are going away.

Moon, n.: 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).

Moore's Constant: Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.

mophobia, n.: Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.

Morton's Law: If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.

Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.

Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

mummy, n.: An Egyptian who was pressed for time.

Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Murphy's Laws: (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.

Murray's Rule: Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.

Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project.

— Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"

My father taught me three things: (1) Never mix whiskey with anything but water. (2) Never try to draw to an inside straight. (3) Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.

Nachman's Rule: When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.

— Gerald Nachman

narcolepulacyi, n.: The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn.

— "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

nerd pack, n.: Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling in his pack.

neutron bomb, n.: An explosive device of limited military value because, as it only destroys people without destroying property, it must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.

new, adj.: Different color from previous model.

Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Newman's Discovery: Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.

Newton's Law of Gravitation: What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down where you can find it. Murphy's Law applies to Newton's.

Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Nick the Greek's Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.

Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

no brainer: A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.

no maintenance: Impossible to fix.

nolo contendere: A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do it again."

nominal egg: New Yorkerese for expensive.

Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

Nouvelle cuisine, n.: French for "not enough food". Continental breakfast, n.: English for "not enough food". Tapas, n.: Spanish for "not enough food". Dim Sum, n.: Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.

November, n.: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

Nusbaum's Rule: The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)

O'Brian's Law: Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible

O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Occam's eraser: The philosophical principle that even the simplest solution is bound to have something wrong with it.

Office Automation: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.

Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Old timer, n.: One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.

Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Olmstead's Law: After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

omnibiblious, adj.: Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious."

On ability: A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.

— Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD

On the subject of C program indentation: "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."

— Blair P. Houghton

On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.

Once, adv.: Enough.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

One Page Principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood.

— Mark Ardis

"One size fits all": Doesn't fit anyone.

One-Shot Case Study, n.: The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.

optimist, n.: A proponent of the belief that black is white. A pessimist asked God for relief. "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that would justify them." "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked something -- the mortality of the optimist."

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

optimist, n: A bagpiper with a beeper.

Oregano, n.: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.

Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.

Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.

pain, n.: One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

— Ambrose Bierce

Pandora's Rule: Never open a box you didn't close.

Paprika Measure: 2 dashes == 1smidgen 2 smidgens == 1 pinch 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 2 soupcons == 2 much paprika

paranoia, n.: A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.

Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Everything else causes cancer in rats.

Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.

Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.

party, n.: A gathering where you meet people who drink so much you can't even remember their names.

Pascal Users: The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. Please modify your programs accordingly.

Pascal Users: To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.

Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

— Datamation, January 15, 1984

Patageometry, n.: The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant under brain transplants.

patent: A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.

Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

paycheck: The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.

Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Pecor's Health-Food Principle: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it.

Pedaeration, n.: The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.

— Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

pediddel: A car with only one working headlight.

— "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Peers's Law: The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.

Penguin Trivia #46: Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.

— Chicago Reader 10/15/82

pension: A federally insured chain letter.

People's Action Rules: (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. (2) Some people who should, won't. (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.

perfect guest: One who makes his host feel at home.

Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.

pessimist: A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the wolf from the door. optimist: A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of his pants. opportunist: A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.

Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. Peter's Principle of Success: Get up one time more than you're knocked down.

Peterson's Rules: (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something sticky. (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.

petribar: Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long.

— Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Phases of a Project: (1) Exultation. (2) Disenchantment. (3) Confusion. (4) Search for the Guilty. (5) Punishment for the Innocent. (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.

philosophy: The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.

philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.

phosflink: To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that will bring it back to life).

— "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Pickle's Law: If Congress must do a painful thing, the thing must be done in an odd-number year.

pixel, n.: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.

Please take note:

Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.

poisoned coffee, n.: Grounds for divorce.

politics, n.: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

— Ambrose Bierce

Pollyanna's Educational Constant: The hyperactive child is never absent.

polygon: Dead parrot.

Poorman's Rule: When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open.

Portable, adj.: Survives system reboot.

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

poverty, n.: An unfortunate state that persists as long as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.

Power, n.: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.

prairies, n.: Vast plains covered by treeless forests.

Prejudice: A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

— Ambrose Bierce

Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.

Priority: A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.

problem drinker, n.: A man who never buys.

program, n.: A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

program, n.: Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation always justifies hiring at least three more people.

Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.

progress, n.: Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons invading the body and taking possession of it. Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.

prototype, n.: First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work.

Pryor's Observation: How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead.

Pudder's Law: Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)

purpitation, n.: To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don't want it, and then put it in another section.

— "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.

QOTD: "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."

QOTD: "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."

QOTD: "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."

QOTD: "Do you smell something burning or is it me?"

— Joan of Arc

QOTD: "East is east... and let's keep it that way."

QOTD: "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."

QOTD: "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, I go to work."

QOTD: "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now to late to punish."

QOTD: "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."

QOTD: "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different ticket."

QOTD: "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."

QOTD: "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."

QOTD: "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."

QOTD: "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."

QOTD: "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."

QOTD: "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."

QOTD: "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."

QOTD: "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

QOTD: "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it didn't work."

QOTD: "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a horse with one of the horns broken off."

QOTD: "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."

QOTD: "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."

QOTD: "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with the lost."

QOTD: "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."

QOTD: "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."

QOTD: "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."

QOTD: "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the dog for dinner."

QOTD: "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"

QOTD: "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."

QOTD: "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."

QOTD: "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."

QOTD: "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on strike. To make less money."

QOTD: "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back all of my stuff."

QOTD: "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

QOTD: "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."

QOTD: "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the cologne, now would I?"

QOTD: "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."

QOTD: "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."

QOTD: "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."

QOTD: "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many stations anymore."

QOTD: "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets."

QOTD: "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."

QOTD: "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."

QOTD: "It's been Monday all week today."

QOTD: "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."

QOTD: "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether."

QOTD: "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."

QOTD: "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"

QOTD: "Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency on my part."

QOTD: "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."

QOTD: "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"

QOTD: "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."

QOTD: "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?"

QOTD: "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."

QOTD: "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."

QOTD: "Our parents were never our age."

QOTD: "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."

QOTD: "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis shoes on you and run you into the wall?"

QOTD: "She's about as smart as bait."

QOTD: "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."

QOTD: "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its neck to get the dog to play with it."

QOTD: "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

QOTD: "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."

QOTD: "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the left."

QOTD: "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."

QOTD: "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you think he was broken!"

QOTD: "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I mess things up."

QOTD: "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call "baring your neck."

QOTD: "When she hauled ass, it took three trips."

QOTD: "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."

QOTD: "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"

QOTD: "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? How... tribal."

QOTD: "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."

QOTD: All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.

QOTD: All I want is more than my fair share.

QOTD: Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to save the earth!