Magazine Quotes

Compliment, n.: When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.

compuberty, n: The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and a sun4 is put online sharing files.

Computer science: (1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter. (2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. (3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. (4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. (5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. (6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.

Computer, n.: An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.

Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.

Conference, n.: A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what he's already decided to do.

Confidant, confidante, n: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Confirmed bachelor: A man who goes through life without a hitch.

Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. Mathematician's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all odd numbers are prime. Physicist's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... Engineer's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... Computer Scientists's Proof: 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...

Connector Conspiracy, n: [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive interface devices.

Consent decree: A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it never admitted to in the first place.

Consultant, n.: (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have Calculator, Will Travel.

Consultant, n.: [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase and heavy wallet.

Consultant, n.: An ordinary man a long way from home.

consultant, n.: Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.

Consultant, n.: Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.

Consultation, n.: Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."

Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Copying machine, n.: A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't interested in reading them.

Coronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Correspondence Corollary: An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.

Corry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

court, n.: A place where they dispense with justice.

— Arthur Train

Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Creditor, n.: A man who has a better memory than a debtor.

Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties.

critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Croll's Query: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?

Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversly with the time spent in the office.

Cruickshank's Law of Committees: If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so much work has already been done on it.

cursor address, n: "Hello, cursor!"

— Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"

Cursor, n.: One whose program will not run.

— Robb Russon

curtation, n.: The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field environment. The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still with us. MOZ DONG n. Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.

— Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"

Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.

Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Cynic, n.: Experienced.

Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.

Data, n.: An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.

Data, n.: Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.

Davis' Law of Traffic Density: The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.

Davis's Dictum: Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.

Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Deadwood, n.: Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.

Death wish, n.: The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.

Decision maker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped.

default, n.: [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.

— Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"

Default, n.: The hardware's, of course.

Deja vu: French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time. Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time.

Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Denver, n.: A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.

design, v.: What you regret not doing later on.

DeVries' Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.

Dibble's First Law of Sociology: Some do, some don't.

Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly.

— Elbert Hubbard

Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 1 carton milk

diplomacy, n: Lying in state.

Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: (1) Get elected. (2) Get re-elected. (3) Don't get mad, get even.

— Sen. Everett Dirksen

disbar, n: As distinguished from some other bar.

Distinctive, adj.: A different color or shape than our competitors.

Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

divorce, n: A change of wife.

Documentation: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons.

double-blind experiment, n: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.

Dow's Law: In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.

Drakenberg's Discovery: If you can't seem to find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

drug, n: A substance that, injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.

Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

Duty, n: What one expects from others.

— Oscar Wilde

Eagleson's Law: Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)

economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.

— Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

Economies of scale: The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all those limitations.

economist, n: Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough personality to become an accountant.

Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. Egotist, n: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Ehrman's Commentary: (1) Things will get worse before they get better. (2) Who said things would get better?

Elbonics, n.: The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre.

— "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.

Elephant, n.: A mouse built to government specifications.

Eleventh Law of Acoustics: In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.

Emacs, n.: A slow-moving parody of a text editor.

Emerson's Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.

— Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

Endless Loop, n.: see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless, n.: see Endless Loop.

— Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

Engram, n.: 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that time.]

— New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.

enhance, v.: To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.

Entreprenuer, n.: A high-rolling risk taker who would rather be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.

Envy, n.: Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to try and acquire one.

Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."

— Mike Kellen

Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the lemma ["All horses are the same color"], that does not exist.

Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.

Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps.

Experience, n.: Something you don't get until just after you need it.

— Olivier

Expert, n.: Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.

Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.

Fakir, n: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.

falsie salesman, n: Fuller bust man.

Famous last words:

Famous last words: (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." (2) "You and what army?" (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."

Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

feature, n: A surprising property of a program. Occasionaly documented. To call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.

fenderberg, n.: The large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders during snowstorms.

— "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Ferguson's Precept: A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."

Fidelity, n.: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.

File cabinet: A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.

filibuster, n.: Throwing your wait around.

Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's Eighth Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. Finagle's Ninth Law: No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it. Finagle's Tenth Law: No matter what the result someone is always eager to misinterpret it. Finagle's Eleventh Law: No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory.

Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.

Finagle's Seventh Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake Corollaries: (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Fine's Corollary: Functionality breeds Contempt.

Finster's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

First law of debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline). Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.

First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.

Fishbowl, n.: A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly promoted managers are kept for observation.

Five rules for eternal misery: (1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. (2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to treat these assumptions as though they are reality. (3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. (4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with how much better things might have been or how much worse things might become). (5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to follow the first four rules.

flannister, n.: The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.

— "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

flowchart, n. & v.: [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.

— Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"

Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

Fog Lamps, n.: Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".

Foolproof Operation: No provision for adjustment.

Forecast, n.: A prediction of the future, based on the past, for which the forecaster demands payment in the present.

Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 skilled oral communicator: Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. Argues with self. Loses these arguments. skilled written communicator: Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. growth potential: With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training, the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. key company figure: Serves as the perfect counter example.

FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 consistent: Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. an excellent sounding board: Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. a planner and organizer: Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the animal tags on his clothing.

FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 has management potential: Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department pencil monitor. inspirational: A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, go I.") adapts to stress: Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the situation. goal oriented: Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails to meet them.

Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo. 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. 3: When replying to one of your own memos.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.

Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.

— David Ellis

Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.

Fried's 1st Rule: Increased automation of clerical function invariably results in increased operational costs.

Friends, n.: People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. People who know you well, but like you anyway.

Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob." See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.

Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.

Fuch's Warning: If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Fun experiments: Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.

Fun Facts, #63: The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in 1510.

furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.

— Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.

Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).

— Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

genealogy, n.: An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.

— Ambrose Bierce

Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright."

genius, n.: Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying all the right things to all the right people.

genlock, n.: Why he stays in the bottle.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. (3) The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. Corollary: Following the rules will not get the job done.

Gilbert's Discovery: Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.

Ginsberg's Theorem: (1) You can't win. (2) You can't break even. (3) You can't even quit the game. Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Ginsburg's Law: At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.

gleemites, n.: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.

— "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Gnagloot, n.: A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to impress people.

— Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Godwin's Law (prov. [Usenet]): As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one." There is a tradition in many groups that, once this occurs, that thread is over, and whoever mentioned the Nazis has automatically lost whatever argument was in progress. Godwin's Law thus guarantees the existence of an upper bound on thread length in those groups.

Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.

— Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

Goldenstern's Rules: (1) Always hire a rich attorney (2) Never buy from a rich salesman.

Gomme's Laws: (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. (2) Time accelerates. (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.

Gordon's first law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.

Gordon's Law: If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.

gossip, n.: Hearing something you like about someone you don't.

— Earl Wilson

Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.

— Ray Simard

Government's Law: There is an exception to all laws.

Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]

grasshopotomaus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.

Gravity: What you get when you eat too much and too fast.

Great American Axiom: Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.

Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.

Guillotine, n.: A French chopping center.

Gumperson's Law: The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.

Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft will encounter turbulence. (2) The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.

gurmlish, n.: The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.

— Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

guru, n.: A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the phone call you are about to receive from your boss.

guru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual.

gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.

— Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary

Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.

Hacker's Quicky #313: Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips Microwave Egg Roll Chocolate Milk

hacker, n.: A master byter.

hacker, n.: Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'. In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: Hacker's Fight Song He's a Hack! He's a Hack! He's a guy with the happy knack! Never bungles, never shirks, Always gets his stuff to work! All take a drink (important!)

Hale Mail Rule, The: When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least one of the following: (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. (b) Stationery. (c) Postage stamp. (d) The letter you are answering.

half-done, n.: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the difference between life and death. You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?

— Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

handshaking protocol, n: A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.

Hangover, n.: The burden of proof.

hangover, n.: The wrath of grapes.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.