Movie Trivia

Homer: Hey Flanders! All Flanders: Hidely-ho, neighborino! Homer: Shut up! All Flanders: Okily-dokily! Homer: Ned! You're having a family reunion and you didn't invite me!? Ned: Oh, gosh Homer. This is strictly a Flanders affair. I've got family here from around the globe. [Points out one relative.] Here's Jose Flanders. Jose: Buenos Ding dong didlyos, senor. Ned: And this is Lord Thistlewick Flanders. Thistlewick: Charmed. [Ned nudges him in the back.] Eh, a googily... doogily. Homer: I can't believe you didn't invite me. [Squints eyes.] After I painted those cool stripes all over your car. [Snaps fingers.] I know! I'll throw my own barbeque. The greatest barbeque this town has ever seen, and I'll only invite who I want. That'll show you. Ned: Can I come? Homer: Sure. [Turns away.] D'oh!

— Mouth before brain, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Homer: This barbeque will be hard, thankless work. But I'm sure you're up to it, Marge. Marge: Well, it could be a good chance to get to know our neighbors outside of a courtroom setting. Homer: You know what you should serve Marge? More of these lamb chops. These are the best ever. Marge: Why, thank you Homey! You might say the secret ingredient is... salt.

— As opposed to love or cough syrup, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Lamb: [In a baaa-ful voice...] Please Lisa, I thought you loved me, loved me. Marge: What's wrong, Lisa? Didn't you get enough lamb chops? [Places more on her plate.] Lisa: I can't eat this. I can't eat a poor little lamb. [Pushes her plate away.] Homer: Lisa, get a hold of yourself. This is lamb, not _a_ lamb. Lisa: What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed me? Bart: This one spent two hours in the broiler. [Takes a big chomp.] Marge: Bart! Sensible bites! All right, Lisa, if you don't want lamb chops, there are lots of other things I can make. Chicken breast. Rump roast. Hot dogs.

— Meat, wonderful meat, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Lisa: No I can't! I can't eat any of them! Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you saying you're *never* going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No. Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal! Homer: [Chuckles] Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

— Of species porcine, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Lisa: Ohhh, my family just doesn't understand my new found vegetarianism. Compared to them the public schools are a haven of enlightenment. Hoover: Okay class, time to dissect our worms. [Class cheers. Miss Hoover places a worm in a pan before Lisa.] First pin them down so they don't fly up and hit you in the eye. Ralph: Umm, Miss Hoover? Hoover: Yes Ralph, what is it? Ralph: My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it...can I have another one? Hoover: No Ralph, there aren't any more...[shaking her head] just try to sleep while the other children are learning. Ralph: Oh boy...sleep! That's where I'm a viking!

— Erik the Ralph, almost, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Worm: Leeesaaaa, Whaaat did I ever do to yoooooou? Lisa: Why does it talk like a lamb?

— Lamb, worm...they kind of rhyme, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Lisa: Uhh, Miss Hoover? I don't think I can dissect an animal. I think it's wrong. Hoover: Okay Lisa, I respect your moral objection. [Presses the "Independent Thought Alarm" button under her desk.]

— Respect, but not condone, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Lisa: Uhh, excuse me? Isn't there anything here that doesn't have meat in it? Doris: Possibly the meat loaf. Lisa: Well, I believe you're required to provide a vegetarian alternative. Doris: [Picks up a hot dog in a bun, shakes the weiner out, and slaps the bun down on Lisa's tray.] Yum. It's rich in bunly goodness. Lisa: [Drolly.] Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work?

— Some time before the Alamo, methinks, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Skinner: Oh oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie! Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms. Willie: I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya?! That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!

— "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Lisa: I never realized before, but some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons send the message that violence against animals is funny. Bart: They what? Cartoons don't have messages, Lisa. [Moves toward door.] They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff you know, like people getting hurt and stuff, stuff like that. [gets slammed behind the door by Homer]

— Why I oughta --, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers. Lisa: [Reading the invitation.] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB." Bart: What's that extra B for? Homer: It's a typo. Lisa: Dad! Can't you have some other type of party, one where you don't serve meat? Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

— Homer coins a catch phrase., "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Bart: [Musically.] You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! [Homer, {and then Marge, join in.}] Lisa: {Mom!} Marge: {I don't mean to take sides, I just got caught up in the rhythm.}

— The island rhythm, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Skinner: Good morning class. A certain...agitator...for privacy's sake let's call her...Lisa S. No, that's too obvious...uuuh, let's say L. Simpson -- [Lisa slaps her forehead in a slient D'oh!] has raised questions about certain school policies. So, in the interest in creating an open dialogue, sit silently and watch this film.

— Instructions in obfuscation, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Troy: Nothing beats a stroll in cattle country. Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as "Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun" and "Firecrackers: The Silent Killer". Jimmy: Mr. McClure? Troy: Oh! Hello Bobby. Jimmy: Jimmy. I'm curious as to how meat gets from the ranch to my stomach. Troy: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down Jimmy. You just asked a mouthful. It all starts here, in the high density feed lot. Then, when the cattle are just right [swipes his finger along the top of a cow and licks it] Yum...it's time for them to graduate from Bovine University.

— Summa cum laude, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Troy: Come on Jimmy, let's take a peek at the killing floor. Jimmy: Ohhh! Troy: Don't let the name throw you Jimmy. It's not really a floor, it's more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.

— Troy nearly got in at Hendon, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Troy: Gettin hungry Jimmy? Jimmy: Uhh, Mr. McClure? I have a crazy friend who says its wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy? Troy: Nooo, just ignorant. You see your crazy friend never heard of "The Food Chain". [Flash to a picture of "Food Chain", with all animals and arrows pointing to a silhouette of a human.] Just ask this scientician. Scientician: [Looking up from a microscope.] Uhhh... Troy: He'll tell you that, in nature, one creature invariably eats another creature to survive. [Images of various wild carnivores attacking and eating others appear.] Don't kid yourself Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about! [Image of a cow quietly chewing cud.] Jimmy: Wow, Mr. McClure. I was a grade A moron to ever question eating meat. Troy: [Laughs.] Yes you were Jimmy, yes you were. [Briskly rubs his hand on Jimmy's head.] Jimmy: [Timid] Uhh...you're hurting me.

— Troy McClure, the silent hurter, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Lisa: They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe. Skinner: Now as a special treat courtesy of our friends at the Meat Council, please help yourself to this tripe. [Class cheers and runs to table loaded with tripe.] Lisa: Stop it Stop IT! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda? Janie: Hmmph, apparently my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain. Uter: Yeah, Lisa's a grade A moron! Ralph: When I grow up, I'm going to go to Bovine University.

— In Idaho, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Barney: Hi Homer! Thanks for inviting me to your barbeque. Homer: Ohh, Barney! You brought a whole beer keg! Barney: Yeah. Where can I fill it up?

— Toddle down to Moe's, perhaps?, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Lisa: Wait Dad! Good news, everyone! You don't have to eat meat! I've got enough gazpacho for everyone. [Crowd murmurs.] It's tomato soup, served ice cold! [Crowd laughs out loud.] Barney: Go back to Russia!

— At least Lisa's mother's not from Norway, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Hibbert: Aaah. Diagnosis -- delicious. Homer: I've got the presciption for you, another hot beef injection! Wiggum: Uuuh, Homer? Bring me another one of those...uuh. burgers would ya? I can't quite seem to...stand up under my own power anymore. Homer: One whopper for the Copper. Bart: Another burger, Dad? Homer: Here you go! [Flips the burger into the air.] Lisa: It's bad enough they're all eating meat. They don't have to rub it in my face. [The flipped burger lands on her face.] [Lisa growls]

— Ah, glorious fat, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Homer: Okay everybody! It's the moment you've all been waiting for! The piggs de resistance! [Uncovers a rotissory pig with an apple in its mouth.] Crowd: Ooohhh! Aaaahhh. Chief Wiggum: [Chuckling] ha hah haah hah...look at its nose! Ned: [Rises with a glass in hand.] Congratulations, Homer. Your 'Q is a huge success. Hey, a toast to the host who can boast the most roast! Homer: Thanks Flanders. I have to agree that everything certainly ...[Lisa rolls behind homer with a lawn tractor, pushing the pig grill ahead of her.] huh? [Crowd gasps.] Marge: Bart, Nooooo! Bart: [Standing beside her.] What?! Marge: Sorry, force of habit. Lisa, nooooo!

— Mouth before brain, take two, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Homer: It's just a little dirty. It's still good, it's still good! [Passes traffic, jumps a bridge and lands in the water.] It's just a little slimy, it's still good, it's still good! [It gets caught in a dam spillway, and when the pressure builds, it shoots into the sky.] It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good! Bart: [Crestfallen.] It's gone. Homer: I know.

— Courting disaster, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Burns: You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage...when pigs fly! [They laugh. The pig sails across the sky before them.] Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, Sir? Burns: Nooo, I'd still prefer not.

— Going back on his word, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Bart: Give it up Dad. Piggy ain't coming back. Homer: Lisa! You ruined my barbeque! I demand you apologize this second! Lisa: I'm never ever apologizing because I was standing up for a just cause and you were wrong wrong wrong! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to my room! Homer: That's it! Go to your room!

— Mouth before brain, take three, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup? Marge: [Wearily] Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product. Bart: [To Homer] You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy? Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out. Marge: Homer, you're not, not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said. Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case! Bart: Uhhh, Dad. Lisa's the one you're not talking to. Homer: Bart! Go to your room. Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad! Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbeque wrecking, no-nothing know-it-all! Lisa: That's IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore. I'm out of here! [Leaves and slams the door.] Homer: That's it! Go to your room!

— Mouth before -- oh, forget it, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Sheri/Terri: Look at Missus Potato Head! She has a head made out of lettuce. [Giggles.] Ralph: I can't believe I used to go out with you. Janie: Are you going to marry a carrot, Lisa? Lisa: [Rolling her eyes.] Yes, I'm going to marry a carrot. Sherri/Terri: Ohh! She admitted it. She's going to marry a carrot!

— So much for sarcasm, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Lisa: The whole world wants me to eat meat. I can't fight it anymore. [She musters her resolve and bites into a hot dog. Yells.] There! Is everybody happy now? Apu: I take it from your yelling that you like my tofu dogs? Lisa: Tofu? Apu: Oh yes. No meat whatsoever. And only thrice the fat of a normal hot dog. I made the switch and nobody noticed. Lisa: But why, Apu? Apu: Of course I am a vegetarian. Haven't you ever seen my tee-shirt? [Holds up a tee-shirt that depicts a cow with slash over it and the words "Don't Have A Cow, Man!"] Lisa: Heh heh heh, that's cute. Apu: Here. Let me show you something Lisa. [Walks to a cooler marked 'Non-Alcoholic Beer" and opens the door. A set of stairs leading upward is behind it.] Lisa: Wow, a secret staircase. But what do you do if someone wants a non-alcoholic beer? Apu: You know, it's never come up.

— Beer-swilling Springfield tube-jockeys, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Lisa: Ohhh, Apu! It's beautiful! Apu: Yes. This is where I come when I need some refuge from the modern world. Or, when I want to see drive-in movies for free. [Points out the drive-in theatre across the street.] I know it is not easy to be a vegetarian, Lisa. Lisa: That's why I ran away from home.

— The naked truth, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Paul: What? She's leaving home? Lisa: Wow! Paul McCartney! I read about you in history class. So where's your wife Linda? Linda: Right here Lisa. [Appears out of a bush.] Whenever we're in Springfield we like to hang out in Apu's garden in the shade. Paul: We met him in India years ago, during the Maharishi days. Apu: Back then I was known as the fifth Beatle. Paul: [Rolling his eyes.] Sure you were, Apu. Apu: You know what Lisa? Paul and Linda are vegetarians too. In fact, Linda has her own line of vegetarian entrees. Lisa: Apu, I'm sure the last thing they want to talk about is... Linda: We weren't satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market. You'd be surprised how often you find a big hunk of pork in them. Lisa: Euuuwww!

— And if you're a _Jewish_ vegetarian..., "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Paul: Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights. In fact, if you play "Maybe I'm Amazed" backwards, you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup. Lisa: When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese. Apu: Oh, cheese! Lisa: You don't eat cheese, Apu? Apu: No I don't eat any food that comes from an animal. Lisa: Ohh, then you must think I'm a monster! Apu: Yes indeed I do think that. But, I learned long ago Lisa to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know you can influence people without badgering them always. It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live". Paul: Actually, it was "Live and Let Die". Apu: Well, whatever, whatever. it had a good rhythm.

— "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Lisa: I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people. Especially my dad. Thank you guys. Paul: Lisa, before you go. Would you like to hear a song? Lisa: Wow, that would be great! Paul: OK, take it Apu.

— That's Apu de Beaumarchais to you, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Homer: Lisa! Lisa! Come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am. Lisa: Hi dad. Looking for me? Homer: I don't know. You looking for me? Lisa: I don't know. Homer: Ohhhh. Lisa. I was looking for you. I wanted to apologize. I don't know exactly what went wrong but it's always my fault. Lisa: Actually Dad, this time, I was wrong... Homer: Oooh! Lisa: ...too. Homer: Ohh. Lisa: While I was gone I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney. Homer: Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know?

— The eternal question, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Lisa: I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbeque. Homer: I understand honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid. Come on, I'll give you a piggyback...I mean a veggieback ride home.

— The new 90s vocab, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Homer: Ah, the miracle mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye. [spots "Lard Lad Donuts" and its tubby boy statue holding a donut over his head] There it is! The chain that put the "fat" in "fat Southern sheriffs". [walks in to the store] I want a colossal donut, just like the one on the sign. [gets handed a regular-sized donut] D'oh! Nuts. That's false advertising! Kid: Sorry, sir, no refunds. Homer: [menacing] I paid for a colossal donut, and I'm going to get a colossal donut! [walks out] Kid: You don't scare us!

— Homer threatens pastry revenge, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Announcer: Astronomers from Tacoma to Vladivostok have just reported an ionic disturbance in the vicinity of the Van Allen Belt. Scientists are recommending that necessary precautions be taken. Homer: [scoffs] Eggheads. What do they know?

— Homer denounces the familiae scientia, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Marge: [walking in] Homer! Where did you get that? Homer: [pause] Get what? Marge: That giant donut. Homer: Well, I acquired it legally. You can be sure of that.

— Found out, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Kent: Good morning, everybody. Panic is gripping Springfield as giant advertising mascots rampage through the city. Perhaps it's part of some daring new ad campaign, but what new product could justify such carnage? [behind him, a poster of himself comes to life] A cleanser? A fat-free fudge cake that doesn't let you down in the flavor department like so many others? Would -- [he gets grabbed by his giant doppelganger] D-ooh! Let me go -- no! Stop! No! ["Technical difficulties" sign appears]

— Newscaster Brockman has been eaten, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Wiggum: Aw, they're not so tough. Lou: Um...Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team. Wiggum: Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster. Yeah.

— Shoot first, make justifications later, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Homer: [answering door] Hello? Yes? Oh. [sees that it's Lard Lad] Heh heh. If you're looking for that big donut of yours, um... Flanders has it. Just smash open his house. [shut door; the sound of giant footsteps recedes] He came to life. Good for him! [Smash! Crumble! Tinkle!] [giant footsteps approach; the doorbell rings] [Homer opens the door] Ned: [running away] Help me, Lord! Homer: I told you! Flanders has it. Or Moe. Go kill Moe! Marge: [arriving home in the car] Homer, just give him the donut! Once he has it, that will be the end of all this horror. Homer: Well...OK. If it'll end horror.

— Cogent arguments, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Lisa: If your advertising agency created all those giant characters, you must know how to stop them. Man: Well sir, advertising is a funny thing. If people stop paying attention to it, pretty soon, it goes away. Lisa: Like that old woman who couldn't find the beef? Man: Exactly. If you stop paying attention to the monsters, they'll lose their powers. Lisa: But people can't help looking at them. They're wrecking the town. [out the window, the monsters wreck the town] Man: You know, maybe a jingle would help. [plays a piano arpeggio, sings] Don't watch the mon -- [plays another arpeggio] Don't watch the...monsters-s-s. [chuckles] Well, it'll sound a lot better coming out of Paul Anka.

— The medium is the message, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Lisa: Hey, Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of...Monster-itis? Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka! [Paul waves, begins playing a small synthesizer and singing] To stop those monsters, one-two-three, Here's a fresh new way that's trouble-free. It's got Paul Anka's guarantee...[winks] Lisa: [singing] Guarantee void in Tennessee. Together: [singing] Just don't look. Just don't look. [people turn away; the monsters turn to look] Just don't look. Just don't look. [more people turn away] Just don't look. Just don't look. [the monsters try to destroy things faster, but start collapsing]

— The power of music, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Lisa: [jubilant] It worked! They're all dead. Bart: Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there. [everyone turns and gasps] [Lard Lad tempts Homer with the giant donut] Homer: Mmm...sprinkles. Marge: Homer! Stop looking. Lisa: Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad. [they drag him away] Homer: [groaning] Oh! [Lard Lad collapses]

— The demise of the pudgy one, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Kodos: Here comes something! Kang: Remember the story: we're newlyweds on our way to Earth Capital. [the donut rolls by as Kang smiles] Oh, Shazbot.

— Kang calling Orson?, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Kent: Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward _your_ town! Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family! Homer: [smarmy] We'll be right back.

— Cut to commercial, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Bart: OK, boy: catch the frisbee. [SLH does so] Good catch, boy! SLH: [taking the frisbee from his mouth] Thanks, Bart. [throws it at him; it hits Bart in the face] [Bart does a flip; "NO SALE" appears in his eyes and birds fly around his head] SLH: Oh, hard luck. [Bart shakes his head to clear it, then spots Willy dressed as Freddy Krueger, holding a rake] Bart: Aah! [his eyes bulge out] [Willy brandishes the rake; Bart holds up a "Help me!" sign] Willy: Glad to rake your acquaintance. [laughs evilly] [he swipes at Bart, who wakes up yelling] Bart: [sighs] Ohh...it was only a dream. [sees the scrapes on his stomach] Aah! Homer: [elsewhere, sounding worried] Bart! Is that you? Bart: Yes! Homer: Take out the garbage.

— All work and no play, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Bart: And then he raked me across the chest! And the weirdest thing was, it was that school janitor who mysteriously disappeared: Groundskeeper Willy! Lisa: [gasps] Oh my God! Bart, Groundskeeper Willy was in my nightmare too! [holds open hand] But he got me with hedge clippers. [her hair is missing two spikes] Nelson: [gleaming] He ran his floor buffer over me. Skinner: [walking up, chuckling] Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willy. Why, he -- simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.

— Exit Skinner, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Edna: Remember, class: the worse you do on this standardized test, the more funding the school gets. So don't knock yourselves out. You have three hours to -- Martin: [joyous] Finished! Edna: [grunts] Then put your head down on your desk and sit quietly. Martin: Ah, a duet of pleasures. [does so]

— Martin, musical, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Martin: I am the wondrous wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma. [spots a blackboard with verbs written all over it] Aha! "Morire": to die. "Morit": he, she, or it dies. [Willy morphs out of the blackboard; Martin gasps] Willy: "Moris": _you_ die. Martin: Aah! [runs off] Willy: [laughs] You've mastered a dead tongue, but can you handle a live one? [his tongue shoots out of his mouth, wraps around Martin, and squeezes him] [in class, Martin twists and screams, then collapses on the floor] Nelson: Ha ha!

— "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Skinner: Wheel him out quietly. It's best the children don't see. [Lunch Lady Doris starts wheeling out the trolley] [the sheet, stuck under Skinner's foot, comes off] Children: [seeing Martin's twisted features] Aah! Skinner: Oh, just get it out of here. Not into the kindergarten! [more screams from outside]

— Traumatizing the wee ones, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Lisa: Mom! Dad! Martin died at school today! Marge: Mmm! I don't see what that has to do with Groundskeeper Willy. Bart: [pause] Umm...we didn't mention Groundskeeper Willy, Mom. Marge: Mmm...kids, it's time we told you the true story and put your fears to rest. It's a story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave.

— Oh yeah, _real_ assuaging, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Marge: [voice over] It all started on the thirteenth hour, of the thirteenth day, of the thirteenth month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased. Homer: [shivering, looking at the calendar] Oh, lousy Smarch weather. [spies the thermostat with a note from Willy over it] [reads] "Do not touch Willy." Good advice! [cranks it]

— Punctuation and you, for Homer Simpson, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Skinner: Our next budget item: $12 for doorknob repair. Parents: Nay! [burning Willy tries to escape, but the doorknob falls off] Skinner: Recharge fire extinguishers? Now, this is a, uh, _free_ service of the fire department -- Parents: Nay! Homer: Nay. [burning Willy tries to use the fire extinguisher, but it's empty] [he breaks out of the furnace room and runs into the classroom] Willy: Help! Please help me! Skinner: [reproachful] Willy, please! Mr. Van Houten has the floor. Mr. VH: Er, I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day. [Willy explodes into flame and screams for a few seconds] [the parents turn to watch] Willy: [a mere skeleton] You'll pay for this...with your children's blood! Wiggum: Oh, right. How are you going to get them? Skeleton power? Willy: I'll strike where you canna protect them -- in their dreams!

— The smouldering skeleton speaks, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Lisa: Bart! Don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could [weakly] die! Abe: Ehh, welcome to my world! [falls asleep]

— Touche, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Announcer: There's a volcano waiting to erupt in the Pacific Rim. Its name: medium-term convertible debentures. Lisa: It's no use, Bart: we can't stay up forever. Bart: You're right. The only thing left to do is go into my dream and force Willy into a final showdown. You stay awake, and if it looks like I'm in trouble, wake me up. Lisa: OK. But promise you won't be grouchy.

— Conditional support, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Bart: Hey, Lawn Boy! You missed a spot! [motions to sandbox] Willy: When I'm done with you, they'll have to do a compost-mortem!

— Witty retorts, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Bart: [sighs with relief] Willy's gone for good. Now I can get back to my normal dreams: me and Krusty winning the Super Bowl! [Krusty, dressed in a football uniform, runs up as a crowd cheers] Krusty: Bart, there's two seconds left. Now listen up. It's your basic Statue of Liberty play with one twist: you throw it to me! Knute Rockne called it the forward pass. [behind Bart, a giant tartan spiderlike bagpipe with Willy's head on it rises from the sandbox] Now, the clock's still running, so it's important we start this play as quickly as possible. Bart: [getting grabbed] Aah! Krusty: Oh, boy. Don't dream about me no more, kid. [runs off]

— Some supportive clown _he_ is, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Bart: Help, Lisa! Help! Lisa: [running toward the sandbox] Bart, you're in trouble! Wake up! Bart: Wait a minute...if you're here, then you've fallen asleep too! Lisa: I'm not asleep, I'm justing resting my ey -- uh oh. Aah! [gets grabbed by Willy, who continues sinking into the sand] Goodbye, Bart. Bart: Goodbye, Lis. Hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes!

— Bart, closet Buddhist, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Lisa: I don't know, Bart. Something tells me Willy's still out there, and that he could come back at any time in any form and kill us in ways we can't even imagine! [a bus pulls up; Willy gets off] Willy: Boo! [laughs] [makes some faces and noises] [the bus leaves] Stop! I left my gun on the seat. Hey! [he starts chasing it, then turns back] Wait here, please. [he runs off, losing his shoe, while a saxophone plays the theme song]

— Rowdy Roddy Peeper, goofball, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Marge: Homer! Get ready! Patty and Selma will be here any minute. Homer: D'oh! Oh no...better ride this one out in the closet. [opens it to see Bart and Lisa standing there] Lisa: Sorry, Dad. This is our spot. Homer: Oh yeah? Well it's _my_ house, so it's _my_ spot. Bart: N'uh uh, because we called it. Homer: Did not! Lisa: Well, we're calling it now. Homer: [plaintive] You are? Bart: 'Fraid so. Homer: Ohh, they got me with their legal mumbo-jumbo.

— Which they learned from Matlock, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Marge: [hearing the doorbell] Just a second! Homer: D'oh! [whimpers] Huh? [spots a bookcase] I never looked behind this whatchamacallit case before. [chuckles; leans on wall, but his hand goes through it] Huh? [swirls his hand around] It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone. [Marge opens the door] Patty: How's it hanging, Marge? Selma: Ugh! I'm baking like a meatloaf under this wet wool. [opens coat closet, catches Bart and Lisa hiding there] Bart: Uh...[nervous smile] may I take your coat, Aunt Selma? Lisa: Um...I would also like to take your coat. Selma: Have we got a family activity for you: Patty: A pillowcase full of seashells from our trip to Sulfur Bay. Selma: You can help us clean and organize them. Patty: And pry out all the dead hermit crabs. Get a screwdriver.

— Fun? Wow, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Homer: I'll take my chances in the mystery wall! [goes into it] [steps out into 3D land, looks around] [thinking] Oh, glory of glories. Oh heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation. [out loud] Holy macaroni! Patty: [sucking on a hermit crab] Hey! You can just _suck_ 'em out! Homer: [disembodied] Hello? Can anybody hear me? Marge: Homer! Where are you? Homer: Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am. Marge: Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again. Homer: Just a second...no, it's a place I've never been before. Selma: Hmm. The shower. [laughs]

— Strike one, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Homer: I don't want to alarm you, Marge, but I seem to be trapped in here. Marge: Hmm. I better call Ned. He has a ladder! [in 3D land] Homer: What's going on here? I'm so bulgy. [taps his belly; it ripples for a while] My stomach sticks way out in front and my -- aah! [checks out his bulgy behind] [in the living room] Ned: [on top of his ladder] Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, I'm stumped. Selma: Hmm. It's like he just disappeared into fat air. [laughs] Homer: Hey! Shut up.

— Strike two, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Homer: Man, this place looks expensive. I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. [scratches and looks around] Well, better make the most of it. [burps]

— Homer in 3D land, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Lovejoy: Do you see a light, Homer? Homer: [disembodied] Yes... Lovejoy: Move into the light, my son. Homer: [a buzzing is heard] Aah! Hibbert: Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there? Homer: Uh...it's like...did anyone see the movie "Tron"? Hibbert: No. Lisa: No. Marge: No. Wiggum: No. Bart: No. Patty: No. Wiggum: No. Ned: No. Selma: No. Frink: No. Lovejoy: No. Wiggum: Yes. I mean -- um, I mean, no. No, heh.

— "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Lisa: Well, where's my Dad? Frink: Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, n'gee, that Homer Simpson has stumbled into...[the lights go off] the third dimension. Lisa: [turning the lights back on] Sorry. Frink: [drawing on a blackboard] Here is an ordinary square -- Wiggum: Whoa, whoa -- slow down, egghead! Frink: -- but suppose we exte-end the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe (along the hypothetical Z axis, there). Everyone: [gasps] Frink: This forms a three-dimensional object known as a "cube", or a "Frinkahedron" in honor of its discoverer, n'hey, n'hey. Homer: [disembodied] Help me! Are you helping me, or are you going on and on? Frink: Oh, right. And, of course, within, we find the doomed individual.

— The frightening conclusion, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Wiggum: Enough of your borax, poindexter! We need action -- [fires his gun six times through the wall] Take that, you lousy dimension! [the bullets fly toward Homer, but spiral around the widening hole and get sucked into it] Homer: Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I'd read that book by that wheelchair guy.

— Homer, Hawking ignoramus, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Abe: [wearing a diving suit] I'll save Homer! All I needs is four stout men to work the bellows. Frink: No, pops, it's too risky! For all we know, there could be cubes in there the size of gorillas and other large -- Homer: [disembodied] Help! I don't have much time. Bart: [tying a rope around his waist] That does it. I'm going in. Marge: Bart, no! [Bart goes in through the wall and looks around] Bart: Cool, man!

— Bart enters 3D land, "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Homer: [panicky] Oh my God, I'm going to be sucked into a black hole, I'm going to be sucked into oblivion, I'm going to be nothing, and what's going to be coming out the other side, I don't know! Bart: I'll save you, Dad! [climbs onto XYZ street sign] I can't get any closer...you'll have to jump! Homer: Piece of cake, son. [runs into hole, breaks into pieces] Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap -- [the world explodes in a flash as Bart gets pulled back] Marge: Bart! What happened? Bart: Well...we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic! Homer: [disembodied] Craaaap! Marge: Oh, Homey. Lovejoy: Be strong, Marge: I'm sure he's gone to a better place. [lightening fizzles; Homer appears in our world, screaming, and falls into a dumpster] Homer: D'oh! [gets out] Ew...this is the worst place yet.

— He's got that right., "Treehouse of Horror VI"

Smithers: Come on Simpson, open up! We know you're in there. [The goons break the door open.] [looking under stalls] Mmm...[points to stall] that one. [The goons bust it open.] Homer: [gasps] Someone's in here. [Homer whimpers and whines while being dragged off.] No...No! Oh! For the love of... Smithers: Boy, I've never seen a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.

— Homer, king of bad health, "King-Size Homer"

Burns: One, two, three, four. Up, down, three, four. [Homer sweats, gasps, and stammers.] Carl: This new exercise program is great. Lenny: Yeah, every muscle in my body is getting a workout, especially my big fat mouth. Homer: Yeah, especially your big fat...oh wait. Burns: Raise your right huck, aerate. Raise you left huck, aerate. I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!

— Burns waxes poetic, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: [struggling to complete a pushup] Two! Lenny: Actually Homer, that's just one. See, each pushup includes both an up part and a down part. Homer: D'oh! Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this? Carl: Uh, he's at home on disability. Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay. [scoffs] It's like a lottery that awards stupidity. Homer: Stupidity, eh?

— At that, Homer's a viking, "King-Size Homer"

Burns: Yes? Homer: [pause] Hello. Burns: May I help you? Homer: Uh...could you give me a little push in the opposite direction? Burns: [slowly] Okay. [Burns pushes Homer in the other direction using a long wooden pointer.] Homer: Thank you.

— Homer's self-injury attempt through oil fails, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: "Carpal tunnel syndrome"...no. "Lumber lung"...no. "Juggler's despair"...no. "Achy breaky pelvis"...no. Oh, I'm never going to be disabled! I'm sick of being so healthy. Hey, wait...hyper-obesity! "If you weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled."

— A fanfare plays, "King-Size Homer"

Pig: You can do it, old boy! Homer: Yes I can! [Runs up mountain, then turns and runs back to pig and takes a bite of his arm.] Pig: Yes...that's the spirit!

— Homer climbs the metaphorical mountain of weight gain, "King-Size Homer"

Bart: If you gain 61 pounds they'll let you work at home? Homer: Y'uh huh, that's the deal. No more exercise program, no more traffic, no more blood drives or charity walks. Bart: Dad, I know we don't do a lot together but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of. [Lisa swings here chair around, unexpectedly appearing.] Lisa: Dad! Homer: [frightened] Aah! Lisa: I must protest. You're abusing a program intended to help the unfortunate. Homer: Hee hee hee, I'm not saying it isn't sleazy, honey, but try to see it my way: all my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body. Lisa: Have you told Mom about this? Homer: No, it would only worry her. If you want to add to her worries, go ahead. I guess _I'm_ just a little more grateful for all the things she's done for us.

— Backwards rationalizing, "King-Size Homer"

Lisa: [annoyed] Dad! Homer: Yes, sweetheart? Lisa: Obesity is really unhealthy; any doctor will tell you that. Homer: Oh yeah? Well we'll just see about that little miss smart guy! [Cut to Dr. Hibbert's office.] Dr. Hibbert: [gasps] My God, that's monstrous. I've never heard of anything so negligen -- I'll have no part of it! [Turns his back on Homer.] Homer: Can you recommend a doctor who will? Hibbert: [turns around again] Yes.

— And that doctor is..., "King-Size Homer"

Dr. Nick: Hi everybody! Homer+Bart: Hi Doctor Nick! Nick: Now there are many options available for dangerously underweighted individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology. Homer: [pensive] Of course. Nick: [points to a chart] You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic! Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor? Nick: Well...be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use poptarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon, heh... Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes! Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain. Bye bye, everybody!

— Bye, Dr. -- oh, forget it, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: Oh, it's a dream come true, boy. I can -- nay I must -- eat everything I've always wanted. Now come on, every second I'm out of bed I'm burning precious calories. Now get grabbing!

— Shopping becomes fun, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: [stuffing himself] Ahhh! Bart: Eat around the banana, Dad. It's just empty vitamins.

— The secret to eating a banana split, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: [whines] Ohh...225! That means I lost weight! Bart: Ahem...Homer, you're, uh, on the towel rack. [Homer moves his stomach blubber. Scale shows 296.] Homer: Woo hoo! Four more pounds and my dream comes true: working at home.

— So close, "King-Size Homer"

Marge: Here's your lemonade, and here's your beer. Ooh, you're such a vigorous young go-getter. When's your next coffee break? Homer: [lascivious] Any time I want...[growls] [They giggle.]

— Homer's dream world, part one, "King-Size Homer"

Flanders: [moaning] Ohh... Homer: Hey, Flanders. Bad day at the rat races? Flanders: Yeah, a crazy guy shot a bunch of people and the subway ran over my hat.

— Homer's dream world, part two, "King-Size Homer"

Marge: [getting thrown on top of Homer] Whoa! Homer: Oh! Hello, honey. Marge: Hi. Erm, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. Did you put on a little weight this week? Homer: I was going to surprise you, but what the heck: honey, I'm purposely gaining 61 pounds to get on disability! Marge: [gasps] Have you lost your mind? Have you thought about your health...or your appearance? Homer: Oh. So that's it, isn't it, Marge? Looks. I didn't know you were so shallow. Marge: Oh, please. I would love you if you weighed 1000 pounds, but -- Homer: Beautiful. Good night. [Quickly turns off light.]

— Better not hear the end of that sentence, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: Oh, I've got 15 minutes to gain a pound or I have to face another day at work! Bart: Bad news, Dad. We're out of food. We're even out of the basic elements of food. You ate all the tarragon and you drank all the soy sauce. Homer: I need a miracle. [Maggie squeezes off some Play-Doh and shapes it into a donut, handing it to Homer.] Homer: Aw, honey, that looks just like a real donut. Bart: [goading] Dad...its says its non-toxic. Homer: [eating it] Well, that's a plus. [Eats it and weighs himself again. Just over 300 lbs.] Woo woohoohahoo!, I did it! Bart: Uh, Dad, towel rack. [Homer removes his blubber from it. Scale reads 315.] Homer: [gurgles with delight] oh my.

— With room to spare, "King-Size Homer"

Burns: [clears throat] I'm pleased to dedicate this remote work terminal; it will allow our safety inspector here to perform his duties from home. And so excelsior to you, Mr...[to Smithers] What's the name of this gastropod? Smithers: Simpson, Sir. One of your chair moisteners from Sector 7G. Burns: Yes...Simpson! [Everyone claps.] Homer: [teary] Thank you for your pity. Lisa: Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this? Marge: Normally your father's crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon as he finds something good on TV. But this season...[shudders]

— The wonder of self-reference, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: I'm looking for something loose and billowy, something comfortable for my first day of work. Salesman: Work, huh? Let me guess. Computer programmer, computer magazine columnist, something with computers? Homer: Well, I use a computer. Salesman: [quietly, to self] Yeah, what's the connection? Must be the non-stop sitting and snacking. [more audibly] Well, sir, many of our clients find pants confining, so we offer a range of alternatives for the ample gentleman: ponchos, muumuus, capes, jumpsuits, unisheets, muslim body rolls, academic and judicial robes -- Homer: I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with a muumuu.

— Homer, inconspicuous, "King-Size Homer"

Arnie: Arnie Pie in the sky with the morning commute. Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets. Due to a fire at the Army testing lab, a bunch of escaped infected monkeys are roaming the expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable. Homer: Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas break honk. Gas break honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas. [Walks to terminal.] 8:58, first time I've ever been early for work. Except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers.

— Without whom, new obese Homer wouldn't exist, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: [reading screen] "To Start Press Any Key". Where's the ANY key? I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"], and Pig-Up ["PGUP"]. There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB. [presses TAB key] Awp...no time for that now, the computer's starting. [reading screen slowly] "Check core temperature, yes slash no." [types] Yes. "Core temperature normal." Hmph. Not too shabby. "Vent radioactive gas." [types] NO. "Venting prevents explosi-on." Heeheee...whoa, this is hard. Where's my Tab? Okay, then, [types] YES, vent the stupid gas. [Cut to a farmer tending his corn. The gas release blows away part of the crop.] Farmer: Oh, no! The corn. Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.

— Curse you, popcorn manufacturers, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: [taunting] Bart and Lisa have to go to school, while I get to stay at home, naah naah nah naah naah. Lisa: I like school. Homer: Well, why don't you live at it, then? Lisa: [drolly] I would if I could. Bart: Not me, sister. When I grow up I want to be a lardo on workman's comp, just like Dad. [Imagines an older, superfat Bart lying on a bed with media people all around him.] [Southern accent] I wash myself with a rag on a stick. [The media applauds.]

— Love those sponge baths, "King-Size Homer"

Lisa: Ew! Mom, this whole thing is really creepy. Are you sure you won't talk to Dad? Marge: Mmm, I'd like to, honey, but I'm not sure how. Your father can be surprisingly sensitive. {Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked for a week and then closed his detective agency.} Lisa: Well, maybe you'll have to hurt his feelings. The longer he lives likes this, the harder it'll be to go back. Marge: [realizes] You're right. Maybe if I use my least nagging tone of voice...[tries] Homer? [tries again] Homer! [tries again] Homer...that's it. That's the one. All right, send him on in.

— Marge finds her center, "King-Size Homer"

Lisa: Dad? Homer: Yes, honey? Lisa: Um...Mom just baked a cake. Homer: Ooh! [walks into kitchen] Huh? Marge: Homer, we need to have a serious talk. Homer: You dragged me all the way from work for that? Marge: Let's quietly and calmly discuss the pros and cons of your controversial plan, shall we? Homer: I -- Marge: Con! You're endangering your health. Homer: Pro: I'm drought-and famine-resistant. Marge: Con! You're setting a bad example for the children. Homer: Pro: I, er, don't have to go to work. Marge: Con! You're running the air conditioner non-stop. It's freezing in here. Homer: Pro. Uh...uh.. I love you? Marge: Con: I'm finding myself less attracted to you physically. Homer: Marge, this is everything I've ever dreamed of right here and nobody's gonna take it away from me. You never had faith in me before, but let me tell you, the slim lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo! And where's that cake? Marge: There's no cake. Homer: [sulking] Oh.

— The cake was the cheese, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: "Vent radioactive gas?" [types] Y E S. "Sound alertness horn?" Y E S. [it sounds in the distance] "Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, give me a Y, give me a...Hey! All I have to type is Y. [to Marge] Hey, Miss Doesn't-find-me- attractive-sexually-anymore: I just tripled my productivity! Marge: Good. Good for you. Homer: Y. Y. Let's see, so many letters to choose from. I'll pick Y! Y. Y. [sees SLH] Wha -- what the heck are you doing over there? [Pushes SLH down to the floor.] There, you found the floor. SLH: Arf! Homer: Y, Y, Y. Y. Y. Marge: I'm going out, I run errands during the day. Homer: Could you pick me up a lemonade and a beer? [The door slams.]

— Not in this fat lifetime, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: {[excited] The mail, the mail is here! [Reading.] Oooh, an urgent plea from Edward James Olmos. "Lisa Simpson - can you afford to miss another issue of the Utne Reader?" Heh heh heh, kids. Huh? "Free sample of fabric softener"...woo hoo!}

— Filling his idle time, "King-Size Homer"

{[his hat tumble-dries to a stop]} Homer: {[putting it on] Mmm, I _can_ feel three kinds of softness. } Lisa: {Dad, what are you doing down there?} Homer: {Washing my fat guy hat, honey.}

— I didn't know there was such a thing..., "King-Size Homer"

Announcer: We now return to "Search for the Son". Woman: According to Daddy's will, _I_ inherit the entire plantation. Man: I'll see to it you don't get apricot one!

— Homer watches daytime TV, "King-Size Homer"

Milhouse: Uh...what's your dad's job again? Bart: He's a nuclear safety technician. Nelson: What's he doing with that broom? Bart: [sheepish] Uh...what isn't he doing? Jimbo: I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman. [laughs, gives Nelson a high five] Lisa: Hey, leave my dad alone. Just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad: he's a sweet man and he has real feelings. Homer: [inside] Hey, what are you kids looking at? Milhouse: Hey, look he's trying to get up and yell at us! Homer: Don't make me close that shade! [pokes window with broom, then loses interest]

— Idle threats -- literally, "King-Size Homer"

Bart: Hey, Homer, you promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside. Homer: Nuts to that. I'm going to the movies. Lisa: Shouldn't you be working? Homer: I've got someone to cover for me. [Camera shows drinking bird repeatedly pressing 'Y' on the keyboard.]

— That's using its head, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: One for "Honk", please. Ticketeer: Oh. Gee, uh, just a minute. I have to check with the manager. [to manager] That overweight guy wants to see the movie. Manager: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs. Homer: What are you talking about? Manager: What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage couldn't possibly fit in our seats. Homer: I can sit in the aisle. Manager: I'm afraid that would violate the fire code. Bystander: Hey, Fatty! I've got a movie for ya: "A Fridge Too Far"! [HA]

— Low fat-jokes, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity! I just came here to see "Honk If You're Horny" in peace. Manager: Sir, if you'd just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn. Homer: This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes! The overweight individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and hard working as everybody else. And they're going to make their voices heard! All they need is a leader. [doffs his cape and struts off] Hmph...I'll work harder than ever before and show the world that overweight people are not undisciplined, lazy and irresponsible. [gets home, sees bird on its side] What happened to my bird? [Screen is flashing "Situation critical, explosion imminent".] [moans] Oh! Marge? Lisa? Flanders?

— He'll find a scapegoat somewhere, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: "Explosion imminent?" [scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented] Oh my God! The plant's going to explode! [shot of Lenny and Carl walking past the rumbling tank] Carl: Hey, that thing's going kaka cuckoo. Lenny: Who cares? It's Homer's problem.

— Abrogation of duty, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: Wait, I know: [types] vent gas. [reads screen] "Pressure too high?" "Tank must be shut down manually?" [to drinking bird] Oh, stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge! [strangles it a bit] Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault! [the bird nods] I've got to call the plant and warn them! [grabs phone, but his fingers are too fat to dial one key at a time] Operator: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. Homer: [screams] Aah!

— Clever diagnostic messages, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: I'm going to have to shut it down myself. Fat, don't fail me now! [jumps in car; tires blow out] D'oh! [jumps on skateboard; it snaps in half] [moaning] Oh. [tries hitchhiking with a sign "Give me a ride or everybody dies] [a car pulls over] [quickly] Hey, buddy, you gotta slow your car down and let me in, because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere! Because there could be some poison gas, I I mean there's really going to be poison gas, and everybody's going to be dead, Especially me! [car drives away] D'oh!

— So much for plan A, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: Hey, buddy, you got to let me in your car -- Vendor: [frightened] Take anything you want, man! Take it all!

— Homer vs. Big Chief Krazy Kone, "King-Size Homer"

Ralph: I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant. Lisa: Hey, my dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Homer: [driving past the bus, stuffing his face] Oh, that's raspberry!

— Well, not usually, anyway, "King-Size Homer"

Burns: Workers, please! There will be time for the frozen pudding wagon later. You still owe me ten more Iroquois Twists! [The crowd obeys.] Ten Hi Ya Ya... [shout] and Nine Hi Ya Ya...

— Aerobatic devotion, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: Get away, damn it! Run for your lives! Worker #1: I'll take a rocket pop! Worker #2: What can I get for thirty cents!? Homer: Let go, I've got to get to the tank! [the truck crashes and tips on its side; Homer runs out] Worker #3: Heck, I can't decide without the pictures.

— "King-Size Homer"

Burns: Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo! [Places an award around Homer's neck.] Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death. Bart: And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas -- Marge: Bart! Burns: [to Homer] We'll have you out of there as soon as our tech boys get you decontaminated. Homer: Thank you Mr. Burns -- [giggles as the technicians hose off his lower half] It was pretty scary up there -- [laughs] -- for a while I feared for my life -- [laughs more] Burns: Now Homer, if there's anything else I can do for you...please don't hesitate to ask. Homer: [gazing at Marge before answering] Mr. Burns, can you make me thin again? Burns: I guarantee it.

— Give him a week..., "King-Size Homer"

Burns: One...ONE....ONE! [Homer struggles to do one situp.] Bah, I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction! Homer: Woo hoo!

— The easy way out, "King-Size Homer"

Burns: Here's your caption, boys: "Local hero shuns spotlight and pitches in!" Smithers: What an angle! [reporters take photos of Burns] [he throws the hardhat down with a grunt and walks away] Lenny: I can't believe I'm spending half my Saturday picking up garbage. I mean, half these bottles aren't even mine! Burns: Ahem. Let's have less _con_versation and more _san_itation.

— Shuns spotlight in photos only, "Mother Simpson"

Carl: Hey, where's Homer? How'd he get out of this? Homer: [from the top of a cliff] Hey, everybody! Up here! Smithers: Simpson, stop frolicking and get to work! Homer: Right away, Mr. Smithers. I'll just walk across these slippery rocks -- aah! [falls]

— When frolicking goes awry, "Mother Simpson"

Carl: Oh no! He's going over the falls! Lenny: Oh good. He snagged that tree branch. Carl: Oh no! The branch broke off! Lenny: Oh good. He can grab onto them pointy rocks. Carl: Oh no! Them rocks broke his arms and legs. Lenny: Oh good. Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him. Carl: Oh no! They're biting him, and stealing his pants. [Homer rushes toward a dam with a giant turbine] Smithers: Good Lord...he'll be sucked into the turbine! [Homer swirls around then gets sucked in] [the workers gasp, then bow their heads] Burns: [rolling down window] Smithers, who was that corpse? Smithers: Homer Simpson, Sir. [sniffs] One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace sector 7G. [sobs] [in a normal voice] I'll cross him off the list. [at the top of the falls, Bart and Homer chuckle] Bart: That dummy worked like a charm, Dad. Homer: Best 600 bucks I ever spent. Come on, boy: we've earned this Saturday, now let's make the most of it!

— Pure genius, "Mother Simpson"

Lovejoy: Marge, we can't tell you how sorry we are. Ned: You have our deepest condol-diddely-olences. [stammering] I'm sorry, I'm just nervous: I didn't mean any disrespect. Marge: What are you talking about? Ned: You know...Homer's passing. [Marge looks blankly] Away. [Marge looks blankly] Into death. Marge: What?! [looks at paper] That's ridiculous! Homer's not dead. He's right out back in the hammock. [they all go out back; the hammock is now empty] Ned: Oh, Marge, of course Homer's alive: he's alive in all our hearts. Maude: Yes, Marge -- I can see him. Lisa: [skipping by] Hi everybody! Lovejoy: Marge, I'm going to give you the card of our juvenile counselor.

— Tim, always helpful, "Mother Simpson"

Marge: A tombstone?! Patty: It came with the burial plot, but that's not important: the important thing is, Homer's dead. Selma: We've been saving for this since your wedding day. Marge: Get out of here, you ghouls! [shuts door] Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi. [the power goes off] Huh? [Marge goes to window, sees a man cutting the lines] Uh, excuse me! Sir? I think there's been a mistake. Workman: Oh, no, no mistake. Your electricity's in the name of Homer J. Simpson, deceased. The juice stays off until you get a job or a generator. Oh, and, uh, my deepest sympathies. [Marge shuts the window and grunts] Marge: Homer? Homer: [walking in] That's my name. Marge: When I asked you if that dummy was to fake your own death, you told me no. You go downtown first thing in the morning and straighten this out. Lisa: {Mom! Dad! Bart ran into a doorframe and bit his tongue.} Bart: {[lisping] What the hell's going on heah?}

— It's just Homer faking his own death again, "Mother Simpson"

Homer: Listen here: my name is Homer J. Simpson. You guys think I'm dead, but I'm not. Now I want you to straighten this out without a lot of your bureaucratic red tape and mumbo- jumbo! Bureaucrat: [typing] OK, Mr. Simpson, I'll just make the change here... and you're all set. Homer: I don't like your attitude, you water-cooler dictator. What do you have in that secret government file anyway? I have a right to read it. Bureaucrat: [spinning monitor around] You sure do. Homer: [reading] "Wife: Marjorie. Children: Bartholomew, Lisa" -- aha! See? This thing is all screwed up! Who the heck is Margaret Simpson? Bureaucrat: Uh, your youngest daughter. Homer: [mocking] "Uh, your youngest daughter". Well how about this? This thing says my mother's still alive; she died when I was a kid! [goes to window] See that stone angel up there? That's my mother's grave. My dad points it out every time we drive by. Bureaucrat: Mr. Simpson, uh...maybe you should actually go up there.

— A new idea, "Mother Simpson"

Grandma: Homer, you grew up so handsome. Homer: Some people say I look like Dan Aykroyd. I can't believe you're here! Dad always told me you died while I was at the movies. Grandma: Oh, my poor baby. You must have been so upset. But I suppose Abe has his reasons. Homer: {Yeah.} Well, where have you been all this time? Grandma: It's...a very complicated story. Let's just enjoy this moment. Homer: Ma, there's something you should know about me: I almost always spoil the moment. [a pelican lands on his head and spits a fish into his pants] I'm sorry. Grandma: That's OK, darling: it wasn't your fault.

— The first meeting in 27 years, "Mother Simpson"

Homer: Hey, everybody! I've got a big surprise for you! Presenting...my mother! [everyone drops their food and talks incredulously] Grandma: [awkward] Hello. Lisa: This is so weird. It's like something out of Dickens...or "Melrose Place". Bart: Where have you been, Granny? Did they freeze you or something? Grandma: Oh, my, such clever grandchildren. So full of questions and bright, shiny eyes. Marge: I don't know what to say: I finally have a mother-in-law. [laughs nervously] No more living vicariously through my girlfriends. [laughs more, then coughs] Bart: Hey, since you were a no-show at all the big moments of my life, you owe me years of back presents: Christmases, birthdays, Easters, Kwanzas, good report cards -- [grabbing a calculator] Hmm, 75 bucks a pop plus interest and penalties...you owe me $22,000 Homer: I'll Kwanza you! [strangles Bart] Grandma: Homer, don't be so hard on little -- [whispering] what is his name?

— "Mother Simpson"

Homer: This is my room, and this is my dresser. It's where I keep my shirts when I'm not wearing them. Grandma: Oh, yes, right in the drawers. [they both laugh] Homer: [sighing] You remembered. Oh, I've missed moments like this... Mom.

— Homer says an unfamiliar word, "Mother Simpson"

Grandma: I saw all your awards, Lisa. They're mighty impressive. Lisa: Aw, I just keep them out to bug Bart, heh. Grandma: [reproachful] Don't be bashful. When I was your age, kids made fun of me because I read at the ninth-grade level. Lisa: Me too! Homer: [walking on his hands] Hey, Mom! Look at me! Look at what I can do! Grandma: I see you, Homer. That's _very_ nice. [to Lisa] Although I hardly consider "A Separate Peace" the ninth-grade level. Lisa: Shyeah, more like preschool. Grandma: I hate John Knowles. Lisa: Me too. [they both laugh, then sigh] Homer: Mom! You're not looking! Grandma: You know, Lisa, I feel like I have an instant rapport with you. Lisa: [gasps] You didn't dumb it down! You said "rapport".

— Lisa shares a touching moment, "Mother Simpson"

Lisa: [turning on dryer] There, now no one should be able to hear us. Bart: What? Lisa: [turning off dryer] All right, we don't need the dryer. Bart: What? Lisa: Just shut up and listen! There's something fishy about Grandma: whenever we ask her where she's been all this time, she changes the subject. And just now, when a police car drove by, she ran into the house. Bart: Yeah, I don't trust her either. When I was going through her purse, look what I found! [hands Lisa some driver's licenses] Lisa: [reading] Mona Simpson...Mona Stevens...Martha Stewart...Penelope Olsen...Muddy Mae Suggins? These are the calling cards of a con artist.

— The truth comes out, "Mother Simpson"

Homer: Woo hoo! I'm so glad to have my mom back. I never realized how much I missed her! Marge: [pause] She's nice. Homer: But...? Marge: I just don't think you should get too excited about the woman who abandoned you for 25 years. You could get hurt again. Homer: First, it wasn't 25 years -- it was 27 years. And second, she had a very good reason. Marge: Which was...? Homer: [pause] I dunno. I guess I was just a horrible son and no mother would want me. Marge: Oh, Homey, come on. You're a sweet, kind, loving man. I'm sure you were a wonderful son! Homer: [unhappy] Then why did she leave me? Marge: Let's find out.

— Yes, let's, "Mother Simpson"

Marge: Mother Simpson, we'd like to ask you a few questions about your past. Grandma: Can't reminisce, sleeping. [snores] Bart: Spill it, Muddy Mae, or we're calling the cops! Grandma: Please don't. Lisa: All right, then we'll call your husband Grampa! Grandma: No! I'll talk. I'll tell you everything -- I've wanted to tell you.

— Good old-fashioned interrogations, "Mother Simpson"

Grandma: It all started in the 60s... [flash to young Homer playing "Operation"] Homer: "Take out wrenched ankle." [getting electrocuted] Mom! Mom! Mooom! Grandma: [running in] Oh, my little Homey bear. [kisses him] Time for bed. Homer: [getting in] Sing me my bedtime song, Mom. Grandma: [singing] Ooey, gooey, rich and chewy inside, Golden flaky, tender caky outside, Wrap the inside in the outside, is it good? Homer: Darn tootin'. Grandma: Doing the [with Homer] big fig newton! Here's the tricky part. [Homer falls asleep]

— A novel idea for a lullaby, "Mother Simpson"

Grandma: Abe, isn't Homer cute? Abe: Probably. I'm trying to watch the Super Bowl. If people don't support this thing, it might not make it. Cosell: [on TV] Joe Willy Namath, swaggering off the field, his sideburns an apogee of sculpted sartorium -- the foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside, Appomattox 1865. ["Sunshine of Your Love" starts playing] Grandma: [voice over] His wild, untamed facial hair revealed a new world of rebellion -- of change. A world where doors were open for women like me. [music stops] But Abe was stuck in his button-down plastic-fantastic Madison Avenue scene. Abe: Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Johnny Unitas -- there's a haircut you could set your watch to.

— Madison Avenue indeed, "Mother Simpson"

Marge: So Mother Simpson, where did your newfound sense of irresponsibility take you? Grandma: I soon found people who shared my views at the state college. [shot of hippies demonstrating] Crowd: [chanting] Anthrax, gangrene, swimmer's ear! Get your germ lab out of here! [Grandma joins the crowd in their chant] Grandma: [voice over] How could I _not_ become a radical when we were fighting a force of pure evil? Crowd: Hey, hey, Mr. Burns! Enough already with the germs! Burns: [in a window above] Ho, their flower power is no match for my glower power! [glowers] [the crowd disperses] Wiggum: [below, guarding the doors] Well that's some nice glowering, Mr. B.

— Some things never change, "Mother Simpson"

Wiggum: [gasping, panting] No...no! Wait a minute -- [tries breathing] Bronchial tubes clearing...asthma disappearing! Acne remains, but...asthma disappearing. [an alarm bell goes off] Burns: [running toward the building] My germs, my precious germs! They never harmed a soul. They never even had a chance! Whoever did this will never get past me -- [the crowd of hippies runs out the door and tramples him] Grandma: [going back] You poor man...let me help you up. [she does so; Burns sees her and smiles] Burns: _You_ just made a very big mistake. You'll spend the rest of your life in pri -- [Wiggum slams the door open and crushes Burns behind it] Wiggum: My asthma's gone! Listen to me breathe -- [snorts] Waaah! [snorts] Waaah!

— We'd rather not, thanks, "Mother Simpson"

[Grandma runs from Mr. Burns and Wiggum] Grandma: [voice over] From that moment on, my life as I knew it was over. Kent: [on TV] Only one member of the Springfield Seven was identified. She's been described as a woman in her early 30s, yellow complexion, and may be extremely helpful. For Channel Six News, I'm Kenny Brockelstein. [she walks into young Homer's room and looks at him sleeping] Grandma: Homer...[kisses him, weeps] I'm sorry. [walks out] Homer: [in the present] I thought I dreamed that kiss. Marge: I'm so sorry I misjudged you, Mom. You had to leave to protect your family! Lisa: {How did you survive?} Grandma: {Oh, I had help from my friends in the underground. Jerry Reuben gave me a job marketing his line of health shakes, I proofread Bobby Seale's cookbook, and I ran credit checks at Tom Hayden's Porsche dealership.}

— Lucrative underground business dealings, "Mother Simpson"

Homer: {Wait a minute...} there's one thing I don't understand. In all those years, why didn't you ever try to contact me? Grandma: But I did! I sent you a care package every week. Homer: Aw, come on, Mom, we use that same line on the kids when they're at camp. Grandma: But I did, I really did! I'll prove it to you. [they go to the post office] Homer: Any undelivered mail for Homer J. Simpson? Man: No. Oh wait, this. [lifts huge sack of parcels] That's what happens when you don't tip your letter carrier at Christmas.

— A valuable life lesson, "Mother Simpson"

Burns: Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro? Kid: Uh, I better look in the manual. Burns: [groans] Oh, the ignorance. [sees Homer and Grandma walking out] Wait a minute, I know that woman. But from when? And in what capacity? [spies "Wanted" posted with Grandma's young picture on it] [gasps] It's her. At last! Kid: This book must be out of date: I don't see "Prussia", "Siam", or "autogyro". Burns: Well, keep looking! [he turns back, and she's gone]

— So close, "Mother Simpson"

Friday: Are you sure this is the woman you saw in the post office? Burns: Absolutely! Who could forget such a monstrous visage? She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal. Smithers: Uh, Sir? Phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago. Burns: Of course you'd say that...you have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter! Gannon: At any rate, the FBI will track down this mystery woman and put her behind bars. [he and Friday walk out] {How does it happen, Joe?} Friday: {How does what happen?} Gannon: {How does a sweet young lady mortgage her future for a bunch of scraggly ideals and greasy-haired promises?} Friday: {Maybe she thought the war in southeast Asia was so immoral, her end justified the means.} Gannon: {Gee, Joe, you haven't been the same since your son went crazy in Vietnam.} Friday: {It's a pain that never ends.}

— The "Dragnet" theme plays, "Mother Simpson"

Grandma: [singing] How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? Homer: Seven! Lisa: No, Dad, it's a rhetorical question. Homer: Rhetorical, eh? Eight! Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means? Homer: [incredulous] Do I know what "rhetorical" means?!

— Apparently, "Mother Simpson"

[the doorbell rings] Bart: [gasps] Quick, Grandma, hide! [Marge closes the curtains] [someone pounds on the door, then manages to open it] Abe: No door is going to keep me from my meddling! Stand up straight, Bart. Grandma: [tentative] Abe? Abe: [in shock] What the -- [stammers] Now here's a piece of bad news. Grandma: Oh, Abe, you've aged _terribly_. Abe: What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own! Grandma: I _had_ to leave! But you didn't have to tell Homer I was dead! Abe: It was either that, or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal! You were a rotten wife, and I never, _ever_ forgive you! [pause] Can we have sex? Please? Grandma: [disgusted] Oh, Abe. Abe: Well, I tried! What's for supper?

— Cutting his losses, "Mother Simpson"

Cabbie: Yeah, I might have seen her. Gannon: [typing] Well, according to our computer aging program, she should look about... [turns screen around; it has a giant "25" on it] 25 years older. Cabbie: Yeah, I seen her! That is to say, I saw her.

— Correcting his grammar, "Mother Simpson"

Bart: Look at me, Grandma: I'm a hippy! Peace man, groovy! Bomb Vietnam! Four more years! Up with people! [runs off] Lisa: You know, Grandma, I used to think that I was adopted. I couldn't understand how I fit into this family. Now that I met you, I suddenly make a lot of sense. [hugs her] Grandma: I'm so glad to see the spirit of the 60s is still alive in you kids. [camera shows Maggie dancing to the "Laugh-In" theme with a "Ban the bottle" slogan painted on her stomach]

— "Mother Simpson"

Gravedigger: Yep, I saw her. That is to say, I seen her. She seemed like a nice lady. Burns: Well, that nice lady set the cause of biological warfare back thirty years! Smithers: We're only now finally caught up.

— Boo hoo, "Mother Simpson"

Gravedigger: Two more ladies come by earlier that day. One was real pretty, t'other, sort of plain. [the FBI guys, Burns, and Smithers go to the Bouvier sisters' house] Friday: Ma'am, we're going to need your assistance in locating this individual. Selma: [giggling] Oh, I'm fresh. Don't you want to play "Good cop, bad cop"? Friday: Ma'am, we're all good cops. Selma: I had no intention of playing the good cops. Burns: Ew. Look, we know you bought the tombstone, we know the fugitive visited that tombstone. Whose tombstone was it? Patty: Just lift up your coffee cups and see. [they see Homer's tombstone] Smithers: Good Lord! Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown. Friday: That's "Homer J. Simpson", Chief. You're reading it upside down. Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, giros. Friday: Uh, Chief? You're talking into your wallet.

— Joe Friday's sharp eye, "Mother Simpson"

Lisa: Grandma, have you ever thought about moving back to Springfield? Homer: You could live with Grampa again. [everyone, including Abe, laughs] Abe: Oh, I'm a living joke. Grandma: You know, Lisa, [phone rings] it might be nice to rest for a while. [Homer answers it, then leans into the doorway] Homer: Mom? There's nothing to be alarmed about, but...could you take one last look at the family and join me in the kitchen? [outside, a tank and a police car pull up] Burns: [in the tank] I've been waiting 25 years for this moment. [puts on a tape of "Ride of the Valkyries"] [it turns into "Waterloo" by ABBA] Smithers: I'm sorry, Sir, I must have taped over that.

— A minor oversight, "Mother Simpson"

Friday: Freeze. FBI: the jig is up. Abe: All right, I admit it: I am the Lindbergh baby. Waah! Waah! Goo goo. I miss my fly-fly dada. Friday: Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile? Abe: A little from column A, a little from column B. Smithers: [panting] Sir! She's gone. [Burns groans] [in a remote location in the Springfield badlands] Grandma: We made it, Homer! Homer: It's all thanks to our anonymous tipster. [into the phone] But who are you? And why did you tip us off? Wiggum: [on phone] Well, it's 'cause of your old lady that I got rid of my asthma that was keeping me out of the academy. Homer: Thanks. Wiggum: Sure. Just think of me as an anonymous friend who rose through the ranks of the Springfield police to become Chief Clancy Wig -- Homer: [hanging up] Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

— Impatience is a virtue, "Mother Simpson"

Grandma: Well, there's my ride. The underground awaits. Homer: [sniffles] At least this time, I'm awake for your goodbye. Grandma: [sniffles] Oh. Remember, whatever happens, you have a mother, and she's truly proud of you. [they hug] Hippie: Oh! Hurry up, man. This electric van only has twenty minutes of juice left! [Grandma walks into the van] Homer: Don't forget me! Grandma: Don't worry, Homer: you'll always be a part of me. [hits her head on doorframe] D'oh!

— And how!, "Mother Simpson"

Announcer: It's a Krusty Kinda Khristmas, brought to you by ILG: selling your body's chemicals after you die. And by Li'l Sweetheart Cupcakes -- a subsidiary of ILG. Krusty: [walking in with a turkey] Oh, hi! I didn't hear you come in. Welcome to my home. [outside the "window", Kent Brockman prepares for a newscast] Ho, ho. [closing the blind] Say, did I hear some carolers? [walks over to door, opens it] Carolers: Come, they told me... Krusty: Hey! It's respected private citizen Tom Landry! And South American sensation Xoxchisha -- Xoxchoshe -- Xox -- oh, boy. [walks away] Announcer: Now, stay tuned for a video Christmas card from Tupac Shapur.

— We wish you a gangsta Christmas, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Lisa: Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish. Bart: Christmas is a time when people of _all_ religions come together to worship Jesus Christ. [on TV, a commercial for a really violent video game plays] [a Liu Kang-like character fights against a tank, and dies] Kids: [yawn] Bor-ing! [the house starts to shake; a hip "Santa" crashes through the wall] [the reindeer growl and rear at the kids] Kids: Heelp! Santa: You want excitement?! Shove _this_ up your stocking! [uses a bazooka to shoot a cartridge into the video game console] Bart: [happily] Whoa! [on TV, the kids play a ridiculously violent fighting video game] Lisa: [nonplussed] Hmm, that looks entertaining. Bart: [drooling] Oh, yeah. Santa: So tell your folks, "Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell!"

— The power of advertising, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell! Marge: Bart! Homer: Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please". Bart: It's the coolest video game ever! Marge: I'm sorry, honey, but those games cost up to and including $70. And they're violent, and they distract you from your schoolwork. Bart: Those are all good points, but the problem is they don't result in me getting the game. Homer: I know how you feel, Bart. When I was your age, I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world. And my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. [pause] Well, good night. [walks out]

— Homer inadvertently forgets the point, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: Ohh, I'll never get that game. Marge: [walking in] Tuck-in time! [singing] All aboard the sleepy train To visit Mother Goose. Barty's stop is Snoozyland To rest his sweet caboose. Bart: Mom, I'm not a little kid any more! Tuck-in time is lame. Marge: Well, if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame. Bart: Mom, it's lame to be proud of being lame. Marge: Well, life is like a box of chocolates -- Bart: Mom -- no! Mom -- Marge: You never know -- [Bart puts a pail on his head and starts banging it] [he stops for a second and looks out from it] Marge: -- what you're going to get -- [Bart resumes the pounding]

— "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: [dumps money on counter] I want to buy a copy of Bonestorm. Here's 99 cents. Comic guy: [sighs] Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction: you wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents. Net profit to me, negative $59. [opens cash register] Oh, oh please, take my $59. I don't want it. It's yours. [Bart reaches as if to do so] Eh, eh, eh -- it seems we are unfamiliar with sarcasm. I shall close the register at this point [does so] and state that 99 cents is the rental price. Bart: Oh, then may I please rent it? Please? Comic guy: No you may not. I am all out. Though I do have a surprising abundance of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge. Bart: [moaning] Ohh...

— With Goro as your caddy, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: Milhouse has Bonestorm! [inside, Milhouse's hair is being blown back from the TV] Milhouse: This is great...and all I've done is enter my name! "Thrillhouse". [screen shows "WELCOME THRILLHO"] Bart: [walking in] Say, cool dude, can I play too? Milhouse: [scrambling] Uh, uh, it's only a one player game. Bart: Then how come it says "Second player score"? Milhouse: [pause] Mom! Bart's swearing!

— Sure-fire ejection techniques, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: Hmm. Maybe if I stand next to the games looking sad, someone will feel sorry for me and buy me one. [goes inside, puts hand through hole in display case window and holds a copy of Bonestorm] [his arm gets crushed by an employee opening the case] Woman: Gavin, don't you already have this game? Gavin: No, Mom, you idiot! I have Bloodstorm, and Bone Squad, and Bloodstorm II, stupid. Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. We'll take a Bonestorm. Gavin: Get two. I'm not sharing with Kaitlin! [employee does so] Bart: [dreamy] That must be the happiest kid in the world.

— Bart's keen eye for detail, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Jimbo: Psst. Hey, Simpson: check this out. [lifts hat to reveal football concealed underneath] Nelson: Look what I got! [pulls back jean vest to reveal a new one underneath] It's the kind I like. Bart: Are you guys shoplifting? Jimbo: Four-finger discount, dude. Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark. [they walk off laughing]

— Yeah, the only victim is Moe, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Luigi: Go ahead-a, Bart, take-a the Bonestorm. Mario: The store, she's so rich. She'll-a never notice. Donkey Kong: Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much. Lee Carvallo: Don't do it, son. How's that game going to help your putting? Sonic: Just take it! Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it. Take it!

— The voices of video game conscience, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: I'm outside. I got away with it. I'm free! [a hand falls on his shoulder] Brodka: Son, would you open your coat, please? Bart: Uh...I don't think this is the kind of coat that opens. Brodka: Please step back in the store, Son. Woman: That boy's parents must have made some terrible mistakes. Gavin: Shut up, Mom.

— "Marge Be Not Proud"

Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as "Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds" and "Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness". I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain with the good people at "Foot Locker" of Beverly Hills. [scene switch] Shoplifting began here, in ancient Phonecia. Thieves would literally lift the corner of a shop in order to snatch the sweet, sweet olives within. [a man does so] Oh, Shakazaramesh, will you ever learn? Flash forward to ancient Babylonia --

— Troy McClure, public service guy, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Brodka: [pounding the TV off] All right, show's over. Bart: Er, excuse me? Brodka: You think you're pretty smart, don't you? Bart: No. Brodka: Don't smart off to me, smart guy! Bart: [stammering] I could pay for the game. I'll pay for it! Brodka: You know, that kind of mush might fly at Lamps Plus, but don't peddle it here. [Bart laughs nervously] Brodka: That's it, Mr. Comedian. I'm calling your parents!

— Bart, misunderstood, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Brodka: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson? This is detective Don Brodka from Try-N-Save security. That's right, Don Brodka. Your son Bart has been caught shoplifting. Uh huh. Yeah, it's a shame, I know, but...well, _try_ and have a merry Christmas. [hangs up] They weren't home, uh huh. But I left a message on their answering machine, that's right. Bart: Um, OK. I've really, really, _really_ learned my lesson. Can I please go now? Brodka: Yeah, get out of my sight. [Bart starts to run away] Hey, kid: one more thing. If you _ever_ set foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall. Capisce? [Bart looks blank] Well, do you understand? Bart: Everything except "capisce".

— He's weak in the romance languages, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Homer: [pushing "Play"] Hmm, we didn't have a message when we left. How very odd. Machine: [singing] Hello, Muddah, hello, Faddah. Here I am at Camp Granada. Homer: Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada? Bart: [chuckles, holding real answering machine tape] Now to put this tape where no one will ever listen to it. [puts it in an Allan Sherman case]

— No Sherman fans in Springfield, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Marge: Homer, didn't you get any milk? All I see is egg nog. Homer: 'Tis the season, Marge! We only get thirty sweet noggy days. Then the government takes it away again. [pours some on his cereal] Lisa: [chokes on her cereal] I think I'm having chest pains. [Bart walks in, whistling] Marge: Bart, get your suit on. Bart: What for? Marge: We're getting our Christmas picture taken. Bart: Ehh, you lucked out, Marge, my man, 'cause I'm in a smiling mood today. Marge: [laughs] Well, good! So get ready, and before you know it, we'll be at the Try-N-Save. Bart: [pauses] Try-N-Save? [steam appears to blow from his ears] Marge: Ah, my teapots are ready.

— When smiles turn to frowns, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Guard: Stand behind the yellow line! You will now receive your Christmas presents donated by the Port Authority lost and found office. [the bullies move forward one at a time to a laundry slot] Pass your chit to Santa to receive your gift. If you do not have a chit, you will not receive a gift. Jimbo: Wow! The March 8th newspaper. Nelson: Cool! A book of carpet samples. Bart: [crosses fingers] Come on, new bike! [drops chit in slot] [groans] Ohh, a soiled wig. Santa: [through a speaker] Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

— Bart's juvenile hall fantasy, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Marge: [calling out] Bart, what's taking so long? If you're having that problem with your zipper, I can send your father up. Homer: Oh, no I'm not. [Bart runs downstairs] Marge: What's the matter with your face? Is that a fake nose? Are you wearing chin putty? Bart: I don't have to listen to these wild allegations! [knocks his nose off by accident; SLH eats it] Marge: Please, Bart, no more pranks. It would mean so much to me if we could have just one nice family photo. [shot of family photo with crosseyed Bart] [shot of family photo with Bart wearing a mustache] [shot of family photo with Bart holding an "I stink!" speech balloon next to Homer] Homer: Hey, I don't remember saying that!

— Homer, unclear on the concept, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Marge: Uh oh, almost forgot to lock the doors. [the locks slam down like a jail cell door closing] Bart: [groaning] Ohh... [the seat back turns into Brodka] Brodka: I hope you're going to the Valley Vista Try-N-Save, kid, 'cause you don't want to come to my store. Catfische? [seat-back Brodka puts his cigarette out in the ashtray]

— At least Bart's fantasies are sanitary, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: [smiling nervously] So we're just going to do this photo and get out, right? Budda bing, budda boom. Lisa: I want to look at the pets, and write things on the typewriters, and see if the new dictionaries are in! Marge: OK. Homer: I want to price some flip flops, and smell the new tires, and consult the pharmacist for some free medical advice! Marge: Sure! We're going to have a great day. Budda bing, budda boom, right, Bart? Bart? What's wrong, honey? [Bart stands far back, looking around] Homer: Uh oh...somebody's got tired little legs! [grabs Bart, puts him on his shoulders]

— Approaching the doors of death, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Marge: Oh, Homey, look at that watch. I've always wanted a watch like that. Homer: [sly] Well, maybe someone will give you one for Christmas. Marge: Mmm. Homer: [thinking] Now she'll _really_ be surprised when she opens that ironing board cover!

— The spirit of giving, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: [looking into the distance] [gasps] The store detective! [to photographer] Hey, Ansel Adams, let's go. Take the photo! Marge: Oh, wait! Wait, I don't want Maggie's face hidden behind that pacifier. [she takes it out; Maggie starts to cry] Photog: Don't worry, momma: I can put a smile on baby's face. [grabs a balloon] OK, sugarplum, it's time to meet Mr. Funny Voice. [breathes from the balloon] Hello, I -- oh, it's just air.

— So much for _that_ impression, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Brodka: I thought I told you, don't return for busted merchandise! Homer: What are you doing to my son? Brodka: I'm afraid your son broke the eleventh commandment: Thou shalt not steal. Marge: That's crazy. Bart's not a shoplifter: he's just a little boy. Brodka: Oh, sure, _now_ he's just a little boy stealing little toys. But some day, he'll be a grown man stealing stadiums and -- and quarries. Marge: My son may not be perfect, but I know in my heart he's not a shoplifter. [Brodka puts in the videotape and starts playing it] Marge: Fine, play the tape. Then everyone can see you've got the wrong boy. [surveillance camera shows Bart standing in front of video games] Bart: [blocking the TV] Wait! Mom, I don't want you to see this. [behind him, the tape plays on the wall of TVs for sale] I did it. [the camera repeatedly shows him stealing the game; the crowd murmurs] Marge: Oh, Bart.

— Caught in the act, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Homer: How _could_ you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you?! Except at that guy who made sound effects. [Homer makes some and laughs to himself] Where was I? Oh yeah: stay out of my booze. Bart: [pained] Mom, I'm _really_ sorry. Marge: [emotionless] I know you are. Bart: Is there anything I can do? Marge: I don't know. [pause] Why don't you go to bed? Bart: [hesitant] OK...

— The real punishment begins, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: Man, I thought Mom was going to scream me stupid. She didn't even raise her voice. Lisa: I admit I haven't known Mom as long as you have, but I know when she's really upset. Her heart won't just wipe clean like this bathroom countertop: it absorbs everything that touches it, like this bathroom rug. Bart: [looks at rug] Really? You think _this_ might be one of those forever-type things? Lisa: [with her mouth full] I don't know.

— The bathroom: the metaphor for life, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Marge: [in Lisa's room] Lisa's on a Sleepy Train To rest her weary head. Her ticket is a candy cane Made out of gingerbread. Lisa: [giggles] Good night, Mom. Marge: Good night, sweetheart. [footsteps] Bart: Oh, great. The Tuck-In Express is right on time. Marge: [standing in doorway] Good night. [shuts door]

— The Tuck-In TGV, more like it, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Homer: I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months. Marge: I always thought I understood my special little guy, but somewhere along the road, his hand slipped away from mine. [looks at a handprint of "Bart, age 4"] Homer: Ehh, what are you going to do? Marge: [pause] Mmm. He's not my little baby any more. Maybe I mother him too much.

— The coming of age, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: [hurt] Hey, Mom, you didn't wake me up. Marge: Here's your hot chocolate. Bart: [looking at other cups] You didn't put my marshmallow in. Marge: I think you're old enough to do it yourself now. Bart: OK, I can handle that. [puts a marshmallow in; it absorbs all the hot chocolate] [Bart dumps it out on a plate and uses a knife and fork on it] Abe: Hey! Give me a slice.

— A bold new flavor sensation, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: Milhouse...do you ever worry that your mom might stop loving you? Milhouse: What? I'm more worried about pirhanas. Did you see that movie where they send a nuclear submarine to fight the pirhanas, and one of them swims right down the periscope and bites the guy in the eye, and he goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah!", and that old lady told him it would happen? Bart: [unenthusiastic] Yeah, that was pretty good. Hey, how come you're not playing Bonestorm? Milhouse: Ehh, it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now. [starts playing with it] Whoa! Wow! [laughs] Man, you never know which way this crazy ball's going to go! [laughs] Bart: Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me because you don't want me playing with your video game. Milhouse: Here, go ahead. [gives him the cartridge] Bart: No. Let me try the cup and ball. Milhouse: [indignant] Get your own! Bart: Come on, don't be a cup and ball hog! Milhouse: Hey! Give it. That's mine! [they struggle for it, yelling at each other] Mom! Bart's smoking!

— Indoors, no less (worse than Hitler), "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: OK! I won't bug Milhouse. But...well...Mrs. Van Houten, this is going to sound kind of dumb, but...can I hang out with you while you do mom stuff? [Mrs. VH smiles] [in the kitchen, she puts Christmas cards in envelopes; Bart helps her by putting the stamps on] Bart: Who are Dan and Sherrie Adler? Mrs. VH: Just friends of ours. Bart: Oh. And, who is Warren Burke? Mrs. VH: Oh. He used to tune our piano before we got rid of it. He grew up in Mechanicsburg. Bart: [genuinely interested] Oh, really? Mrs. VH: Mmm. [realizes, looks quizzically at Bart] Bart: [pause] Tell me I'm good.

— Can't get enough of that wonderful mom stuff, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: Oh, hey! That's Mom. She's happy again! [runs to the yard] [perturbed] You guys made a snowman family? Homer: Check it out, boy: it's like looking into a living snow mirror. [snow Homer has hair and large muscles] Bart: Why didn't you wait for me? Marge: I didn't think you'd mind. I figured you were getting a little too old for this. But you can still make one: there's some snow left under the car. [said snow is all dirty and disgusting]

— Thanks a lot, Mom, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Bart: [muttering] Stupid family. Nelson: Hey, Simpson, look what I swiped from Try-N-Save: it's a replacement tire for a wheelbarrow. Bart: Huh? Nelson: I knew _you'd_ like it. [laughs, walks off]

— Irony, not lost on Nelson, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Lisa: [spraying the Christmas tree] Mom, this fake snow is making me dizzy. Marge: We're almost finished. There's just a little bit of green left. [Lisa drops the can and looks catatonic] [Bart walks in] Marge: There you are. You can help me spray the cookies! [Bart looks at her] Are you hiding something? What do you have under your jacket? Bart: Nothing! Marge: Oh, Bart, not again. Give it to me! Bart: I told you, I don't have anything! [runs off] Marge: You can't hide from me in this house, Bart. I spend 23 hours a day here. Homer: [blocking a door] Hee hee hee. Get 'im, Ma.

— Homer, country bumpkin, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Marge: There's no place left to run, Bart. Hand it over. [he gives her a picture in a frame] Oh, Bart: I can't believe you did this. [the picture is Bart smiling; a receipt says "Paid in full"] Bart: I wanted to surprise you for Christmas. Marge: Oh, sweetie, this is the best present a mother could get. [showers Bart with kisses] I love you so much, my little bitty Barty. Bart: [bashful] Mom...

— All's well, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Marge: Since I got my present early, I think you should get yours early too! Lisa: Bart got a present early? Then I should get a present early! I want a present. Marge: Lisa, you have to wait. Lisa: [mutters] This is the worst Christmas ever. Marge: Now I know you love video games, and I asked the clerk which is the one every boy wants -- Bart: [opening it] [gasps] You got me -- ["Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge"] [Bart sees Marge is smiling] [with forced enthusiasm] Oh, yeah! Thanks, Mom.

— Bart, accomplished actor, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Lee: Welcome to Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge. I am Carvallo. Now, choose a club. ["beep"] You have chosen a three wood. May I suggest a putter? ["beep"] Three wood. Now enter the force of your swing. I suggest feather touch. ["beep beep beep"] You have entered "power drive". Now, push seven eight seven to swing. ["beep beep beep"] [he swings; the ball bounces into the parking lot] Ball is in: parking lot. Would you like to play again? ["beep"] You have selected "no".

— Parameters outside normal range, "Marge Be Not Proud"

Krusty: I'd like to thank everybody who contributed to Krusty's canned food drive. Your generous donations have made this our slipperiest, slimiest slop-stacle course ever! [laughs] [in the background, Mel "goes" through the obstacle course] Our contestants will drop out of my nose, and blurp into a tub of refried beans. From there, they'll stumble down a sluice of rich, eggy bearnaise sauce. How can we afford it? It's rancid! Then, at the finish line, a scrumptious parfait of pudding, pickle brine and detergent where a writhing pile of kids will grope blindly for hot dogs. Mel: Krusty, please! It burns!

— Krusty, humanitarian, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Bart: Aw, just think, Lis: that's _our_ pickle brine burning Sideshow Mel. Homer: Pfft. That Sideshow Mel think's he's so big. Whatever happened to Sideshow Bob? Lisa: Don't you remember Dad? [flash to quick scenes of each] He framed Krusty, he tried to kill Aunt Selma, he rigged an election. Bart: And he tried to murder me. Homer: [in present] Oh yeah. But what I'll mainly remember is the laughter.

— Joy through selective memory, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Bob: Ahh, Westminster Abbey. Edward the Confessor himself could not have done better. Now to set the clocks to Greenwich Mean Time. [laughing erupts from the nearby room, disrupting Sideshow Bob and causing the model to crumble] [gasps] My dear abbey! [Bob runs to the next room where other prisoners are watching Krusty on TV and laughing uproariously] Krusty: [on TV] This is the way we mop the floor, mop the floor -- Bob: Oh, must you bray night and day at that infernal television? Prisoner #1: Oh, look who's talking. Prisoner #2: Yeah, Bob...You used to be on this show. Bob: Don't remind me. My foolish capering destroyed more young minds then syphilis and pinball combined. Ooh, how I loathe that box. As omnidirectional sludge pump droning and burping... Prisoner #3: [looking like Rupert Murdoch] Look here, that's enough now! I own 60\% of that network -- [Attempts to strangle Sideshow Bob.] Wiggum: All right, break it up, boys. It's time for work detail. [the prisoners file out for work] Prisoner #3: [to Bob] I suppose you don't like tabloid newspapers either!

— The corner of the trash market, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Bob: There. That's the last condom wrapper. [a jet flies by, blowing all the neatly piled trash away] Oh, I renew my objection to this pointless endeavor! Informally now and by affidavit later. Time permitting. Wiggum: Shut your word hole! We've got to get this place clean for the air show. Bob: Air show? Buzz-cut Alabamians spewing colored smoke from their whiz jets to the strains of "Rock You Like A Hurricane?" What kind of countrified rube is still impressed by that?

— Need he ask the question?, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

All but Marge: Yeah! Yes. All right! Marge: [drolly] Yeah. Lisa: I want to meet the first female Stealth Bomber pilot. During the Gulf War she destroyed seventy mosques and her name is Lisa too. Bart: I want to see some birds get sucked into the engines. Rare ones. Marge: This year I'm making ear plugs out of biscuit dough. [the oven bells sounds] They're ready!

— Better let them cool first, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Bob: Oh. I know that voice. TV's bottomless chum bucket has claimed Vanessa Redgrave!

— A bad Fox special in TV land, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Wiggum: Hey you! The state's not paying you five cents an hour to stand around. Now get busy! Bob: Oh, I'll get busy. I'll get very busy indeed. [laughs his signature laugh] Wiggum: [laughs nervously] You still got it, Bob. Heh.

— Humorous, even as a criminal, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Bart: Way to guard the parking lot, Top Gun. Guard: I have three medals for this.

— Heroism at its finest, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Wiggum: Hey, where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who, uh, eats people and takes their faces? Prisoner #4: I'm right here, chief! Wiggum: Oh. Then where's Sideshow Bob? Prisoner #5: Ehh, he ran off. Wiggum: Oh, great. Well, if anyone asks, uh...I beat him to death, OK? Lou: Right.

— The most likely explanation, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Tour guide: At this point in time, I would like to direct your attention to the particular air vehicle next to which I am currently standing. The Harrier Jet is one of our more dollar- intensive ordnance delivery vectors. Marge: Five tires!? Am I seeing things? Guide: And, although it looks complicated it is so well-designed, even a child could fly it. Lisa: Can I fly it? Guide: Of course you can not.

— Lisa tries to pull a fast one, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Homer: Free Duff!? Viva life!

— Homer at the Air Show, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Milhouse: [makes machine gun noises] Take that, Mom! [makes more noises] Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? [makes more noises] Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler! [pushes buttons] [gets ejected at high-speed]

— Milhouse at the controls of an F-15, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Hapablap: What in the world according to Garp -- ? Those are my dress towels. [tries the locked door] Who's in my private washroom? McGuckett, let me in. Bob: [effecting a cornpone accent] The door already is closed. Hapablap: What?! This is Colonel Leslie "Hap" Hapablap. If you don't open that door I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party! Bob: You say you're in the military? Hapablap: Sweet Enola Gay, Son! I'm going to come in there and corpse you up -- corpse you up and mail you to mama! [breaks the door open and rushes in] Well, where'd he go? Got my knuckles all lined up for nothing. [kisses his hand] Sorry, ladies.

— Bob spars verbally, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Bart: Look at that hunk of junk. Grampa: Oh, jeeh -- you're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane. At Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it fifteen miles on a thimbleful of corn oil. Singlehandedly won us the Civil War, it did. Bart: So how do you know so much about American history? Grampa: I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.

— Bart hisses a mystery lesson, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Guard: Authorization code? Bob: [sounding like Colonel Hapablap] Code? Son, this is Colonel Hapablap. That fool McGuckett sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura. Now get down there with the chamois triple time! Guard: But Colonel, I'm under strict orders... Bob: Sweet Enola Gay, son! Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a... [disdainful] ...snot party. Guard: Sir! Right away Sir!

— Bob's persona slips momentarily, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Homer: They didn't have any aspirin so I got you some cigarettes. [hands Marge a pack of Laramies] Marge: Mmm. Maybe my headache will go away once the show starts.

— Nicotine, the wonder drug, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Hapablap: Ahem, ladies and gentlemen! What a day for an air show. Not a cloud in the sky! [Bob leaves the hangar pushing a wheelbarrow holding a ten megaton nuclear weapon] Bob: Except perhaps...a mushroom cloud. [laughs his laugh, almost dropping the bomb in the process] [resumes laughing more quietly]

— "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Hapablap: To slip the surly bonds of earth, and touch the face of God. To fly -- the dream of man and flightless bird alike. And now, hold on tight, as we blast through the thrilling highlights of aviation history! Say, did somebody say "box kites"? ["Up, Up and Away" starts] Bart: No! [everyone groans as kids with box kites walk out] Martin: The common box kite was originally used as a means of drying wet string.

— The lame preamble to the air show, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Marge: Do they have to play that rock music? Every note is pounding into my skull! [the central part of the speaker shoots through her hair] Hapablap: Anybody out there feel the need for speed? Everyone: Yaya! Marge: [drolly] Yat. Hapablap: Then get ready for the pride of the United States Air Force: the British-made Harrier Jump Jet! [ets fly by to the tune of "Rock You Like A Hurricane"] Lisa: Dad! Why aren't you looking? Homer: Heh heh, why jerk my neck around like a goon when Tyrranno- vision decides what I should look at?

— Thank you, jumbo TV, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Bart: [gasps] Sideshow Bob! [everyone gasps and screams] Bob: [on TV] Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with? Moe: What?! Hibbert: [scoffs] Surely he's not talking about VH-1. Bob: Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation...and scrimshaw. Thus I submit to you we abolish television, permanently! Homer: Go back to Massachusetts, pinko! Bob: Oh, and one more thing. I've...stolen a nuclear weapon. If you do not rid this city of television within two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell.

— Bob's evil parting words, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Bob: By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it. So don't bother pointing that out.

— Bob, well-versed in language arts, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Marge: [panicking] Kids! Everything's gonna be OK! Don't panic! Just don't panic! Lisa: Mom. Mom! You're stepping on my heels and knocking my shoes off! Marge: We can always get more shoes! Move! Move! Move!

— Marge, sage counselor, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Guard: Stamp your hand for reentry. [the crowd runs past in a panic] Bart: Hey! Cool! I want to be around when those guns start going off.

— The mass exodus from the air show, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Marge: Wait! Wait, my children are in there! Guard: You must be very proud, Ma'am.

— Thick as a brick, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Quimby: Our city will _not_ negotiate with terrorists! Is there a city nearby that will? Hapablap: No need, sir. We'll find that headcase faster than Garfield finds lasagna. [Quimby looks at him] Oh. Sorry, my wife thought that was gangbusters.

— Army man's humor, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Grampa: This elevator only goes to the basement. And somebody made an awful mess down there.

— Grampa, stuck in the porta-potty, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

Lisa: Bart. Bart! What are you doing? We've got to get out of here. Bart: Target sighted. Launching air-to-nerd missile! [launches a missile model, hitting Lisa] Lisa: Owww! Come on, Mom and Dad are waiting! [drags Bart out]

— Bart fulfills a fantasy, "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"