Lazarus Long

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room.

— Blaise Pascal

I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them are trash.

— Sigmund Freud

I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.

— Edgar Allan Poe

I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.

— Kahlil Gibran

I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one.

— James Gordon Bennett

I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.

— Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better take one along that worked.

— Raymond Chandler

I love mankind ... It's people I hate.

— Schulz

I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me at present". When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc. I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right.

— Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the speed of light."

— Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk

I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.

— Mickey Cohen

I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.

— Alexandre Dumas, fils

I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.

— William F. Buckley

I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire to crudeness.

— William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"

"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."

— Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning Points in l'Amour"

I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

— Oscar Wilde

I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's paranoid and the other half's out to get him.

I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of the quest.

— Madeleine Gobeil

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

— Emo Phillips

I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.

I will follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it if I can help it.

— Michel Eyquem de Montaigne

I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd listen to it!

— Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire

I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.

— W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"

I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.

I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good.

— Amy Gorin

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.

I'm sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

I'm successful because I'm lucky. The harder I work, the luckier I get.

I've already told you more than I know.

I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was this little hole in the bottom ...

— John Croll

I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"

— Senator Claghorn

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.

— Thomas Wolfe

If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.

If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.

If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport.

— George Winters

If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.

If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.

If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?

— Marvin Kitman

If he should ever change his faith, it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.

If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?

— Jerry Muscha

If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.

— Mary Wilson Little

If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.

— A. Einstein.

If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.

— Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"

If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.

If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.

If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

— Albert Einstein

If people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.

If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations.

— Reverend Chichester

If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.

— Edward A. Murphy Jr.

If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.

If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.

"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."

If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us with alarm clocks.

If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?

— Ann Edwards-Duff

If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, your honesty is corrupt.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

— Alice Roosevelt Longworth

If you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.

— Edwim Schrodinger

If you continually give you will continually have.

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

If you didn't have most of your friends, you wouldn't have most of your problems.

If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.

— Carlyle

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

If you don't do it, you'll never know what would have happened if you had done it.

If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?

If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.

— Clarence Day

If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.

— Freeman Dyson

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!

If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.

— Calvin Coolidge

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.

If you float on instinct alone, how can you calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?

— Christopher Hodder-Williams

If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, so as not to disturb those around you.

If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

— A.J. Liebling, "The Press"

If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of rubbish into it.

— William Orton

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?

— Garrison Keillor

If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.

— Robert Pante, fashion consultant

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.

— Schmidt

If you notice that a person is deceiving you, they must not be deceiving you very well.

If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

— Thomas Szasz

If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

— Arthur Kasspe

If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.

If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.

If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.

If you would understand your own age, read the works of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.

If you're careful enough, nothing bad or good will ever happen to you.

If you're constantly being mistreated, you're cooperating with the treatment.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

— Henny Youngman

If you're happy, you're successful.

If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.

— Benjamin Disraeli

In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?

— Plato

In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current.

— Thomas Jefferson

In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.

In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.

— Alan Kay

In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not displeasing to us.

— La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"

In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.

In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

— Oscar Wilde

Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself.

— Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"

Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.

Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.

— Bernard Cooke

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

— Benjamin Disraeli

It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

— Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.

— Bertrand Russell

It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then.

— Richard Armour

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

— Jerome K. Jerome

It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.

It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

— Henry Allen

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.

— George Santayana

It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.

— Aeschylus

It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who is there, but speed him when he wishes.

— Homer, "The Odyssey" [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to scheduling.]

It is exactly because a man cannot do a thing that he is a proper judge of it.

— Oscar Wilde

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

— Miss Manners

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

— Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"

It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

It is indeed desirable to be well descended, but the glory belongs to our ancestors.

— Plutarch

It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.

— Benjamin Disraeli

It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.

— Rene Descartes

It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the management of them.

— La Rochefoucauld

It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.

— Proverbs 19:2

It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

— Grace Murray Hopper

It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.

— Cervantes

It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity.

It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.

— Havelock Ellis

It is the business of little minds to shrink.

— Carl Sandburg

It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.

— Francis Bacon

It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.

— Francis Bacon

It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.

It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

— Woody Allen, "Side Effects"

It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.

It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.

It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.

— Crazy Charlie

It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.

It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong.

— H.W. Longfellow

It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.

It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples.

— Charles Dickens

It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.

It's amazing how many people you could be friends with if only they'd make the first approach.

It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.

It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.

— Michael Arlen

It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, but why do the rats always have to win?

It's better to be quotable than to be honest.

— Tom Stoppard

It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.

— Marty Winch

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.

It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, even if most of them are bad.

It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.

It's hard to keep your shirt on when you're getting something off your chest.

It's interesting to think that many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.

It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.

— Roger Noe

It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for you.

It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.

Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.

Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't going to get hit.

— Joey

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.

"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"

— Patricia O Tuama

Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt of all the others, and then do what's best.

— Lovers and Other Strangers

Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!!

Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!

— Michael J. Wagner

Keep cool, but don't freeze.

— Hellman's Mayonnaise

Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; Open it and you remove all doubt.

Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.

Lack of money is the root of all evil.

— George Bernard Shaw

Largest Number of Driving Test Failures By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield, Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.

— Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"

Last guys don't finish nice.

— Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

— Victor Borge

Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.

Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.

— Publilius Syrus

Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.

— James Thurber

Let's do it.

— Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad

Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to change his bed.

— Charles Baudelaire

Life is a series of rude awakenings.

— R.V. Winkle

Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.

— Clarence Darrow

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.

"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it weren't for other people"

— Blore

Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their religions.

— Benjamin Spock

Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and smacked his lips with relish. "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's a-comin'."

Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.

— Charles D'Hericault

Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.

— Louise Beal