Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
Start off everyday with a simple smile and get it over with.
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.